#and sad that im losing time for internships and shit. but i think thats just the pressure thats not entirely realistic but like

[kulliare]

smad that i can only talk to basically 5 ppl rn

[elle-g]

Depression, Anxiety, mistakes and laziness

It has been a very long road this past few months. I started the year with losing the car I had worked for a year for. Then having to choose between seeing my dying grandmother and affording a place to live. I didnt really choose. I did both and dug myself a financial hole. I was really nervous that there was no other way to move on with my life so I did it. It was of course a mistake but I have a tough time seeing those types of things. Fast forward a few months of struggle and my grandmother is dead. My job feels like prison but I have the internship that will really help my career. Ive run out of medication for my depression and anxiety. I wake up everyday knowing that im better off dead but convince myself its the chemicals. Life will get better and I just have to keep pushing. I started pushing myself with alcohol and ended up crying and screaming that I hust am trying not to kill myself in a doctor's office. I was admitted into a psychiatric facilities(willingly).

The person that has been there through all of this is my Best Friend. She and her parents invited me to come live with them. I was scared but I didn't want to ignore this opportunity because of fear and anxiousness. I thought that by ciming here I would have a chance to just breathe. I feel like ive been holding my breath for so long. The only time my chest untightens is the moments I think its finally tome for me to end my life. When I got here it still felt like a heavy weight was sitting on my chest. I ignored it and started to research the area for somthing to do. When ever I felt like things were a bit much, I retired to my room. Even though I am back on my meds i don't feal better. I am running off of artificial energy. Me telling myself "you got this" i thought that it was ok for me too take my time to build myself back up. I was in the hospital because I unraveled. I have been sleeping alot. Infact I wish I was asleep right now. But it has come to the point that, in just two weeks, her image of me is that all I do is sleep and that I am useing my depression as a crutch.

I do not feel this way. But perhaps its because im on the inside and can not properly see myself. I acknowledge that it is extremely difficult for me to fall asleep and even more difficult to wake up. But I get up.

Everyday I have set a goal for myself. Dirst day make a list of things I can do to stimulate my brain and maje me money. None of the local comic book shops or book stores had posyings online so I moved on. I got up early in the morning called my old social services office for a transfer. Was rejected. Called my doctors office for a medication extention. And proceeded to call three diffrent offices for the proper channels go go through so I wouldn't have to be without health insurance. When we talked abouy this she decided that we should hust do a new application. I agreed to avoid anymore run around and confusion. This cancled my med refill but as soon as I got the go ahead from my social worker I would find another doctor. No biggie. I get a phone and worker the next day. I tell her that i will be in for my card and paperwork the day after the next day b/c my ride has something to do. Knowing that she was busy and needs.her space I took to the computer for applications the next day. Everything sounded very busy the next day but I knew that she was free friday so one day made no diffrence to me. That friday I went to the office and got the go ahead to get on with my doctor search. I called a few offices left my information and settled in for the weekend. She invited me to a pool party. We had just had a conversation about how I had been moapy all week so I decided not to go incase I was a bummer. Although being told I was a bummer made me sad so I watched some TV to get out of that rut. She had a good time so I solidly felt like I had made the right decision. Monday morning I got up made some calls the crashed again. When I got up she informed me I wouldn't be getting Starbucks if I didn't get up. I got the picture that I was sleeping to much and proceeded to put an alarm on my phone. My other friend wanted me to visit so I did. She supeised me by askinf me to go to a concert with her. I said yes. While there I made sure to pay my credit card bill and got an appointment from my calls the privious week. When I came back I took care of some more business. This time taking the bus with no fear. I applied to starbucks so that I could makw money while applying for better jobs. To me this stuff was some good progress. Ive even been teaching myself how to make a pitch book and putting my shit together and finished my script I've been putting off forever. Everyday I geel like shit but I'm still going and i tgought thats what mattered. She used to tell me progress over perfection. Now she asked me if I want a cookie or something for what I've done and that it seems like all I do is sleep. All the while my interactions with tge only person I've had supportive success with communicating with are always bad. I don't know if this is my anxiety creating a problem when there is none or if I just put myself in a situation to fail. Again this is all from my POV, so I could think I am doing more than I am.

[subjectsilver]

my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.

originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn

the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.

and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.

i feel like throwing up

i used “ex” up there and  makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.

i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help  me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt  

i keep listening to this song on repeat

https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind

but the real is back the ville is back

i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.

i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...

my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.

the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.

luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something  right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol) 

the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.

its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.

“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”

this man luke in onto something

its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.

having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems.  all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.

i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.

i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.

my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies 

i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was “does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”

 fuck wormy

usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.

and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.

to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective. 

idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.

i love you

fuck wormy

goodnight