#just kidding funny jokes from me

[worlds-largest-juice-container]

My new two sentence horror

"Hello, my name is fred"

unfortunately the rest of his name was d. fazbear

[inkskinned]

she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.

my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.

my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.

my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.

at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.

my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.

i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.

two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.

it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.

[rebloggingrexan]

[sunnibits]

“the kids chose protective mom izzy in the divorce” is literally my new favorite joke to come out of s2 so far I’m utterly obsessed

[hexxingcode]

doodles from the convention day 2 is entirely Mirage Ultrakill and the sidekicks. here goes their cooking stream

they did it. they made a cake

[my-name-is-apollo]

Broke: solar eclipse is Artemis yelling at Apollo in front of the whole world for doing something stupid

Woke: solar eclipse is Artemis T-posing in front of Apollo to assert dominance

[sickly-sapphic]

You can support pregnant teens btw. You can be kind towards teens that are pregnant, have been pregnant or lost their pregnancy.

You actually shouldn't insinuate that a miscarraige is a "lucky situation" directly to a teen that miscarried. You can save your jokes and quips about teen pregnancy until you're out of earshot.

It's not going to kill you to be kind to pregnant teens, nor will it lead to an uproar of teen pregnancies in the world.

[steamedlotusroot]

reminder that ao guang, dragon king of the east sea, has a son and a daughter named “third kid” and “dragon girl” respectively

[highfiveheroes]

the only thought on the episode i will say tonight is this: i’m really disappointed that i’m supposed to be rooting for a set of bullies.

say what you will about the bad kids, they’ve been nasty this season, with a few standouts here and there—notably fabian, who has gone out of his way to make amends and friendships with people outside of the bad kids. but hearing the way they talk about other characters? the way adaine and kristen and gorgug were straight up bullying the rat grinders in a lot of situations? not saying the rat grinders weren’t being antagonistic in their own right, and i fully understand this is a comedy show of people sitting around a table making jokes and rolling dice. but compared to how much connection i had with the bad kids in say, season one or two, when they were going out of their way to be nice to people more often than they were being straight up rude and egging people on…

idk man. something about the bad kids this season isn’t sitting right with me anymore. and i’m sad.

[ithacanradio]

the most gorgeous man I've ever known sent me a drunk voice message hurt that i left my job at the bar he goes to without telling him and adding that he saw me on tv speaking about palestine, which turned into me telling my ex boss to give him my number, and the sober voice message was much worse because this sweet guy just tells me that he's so proud of me and then i can feel him like talking with a constricted throat saying he understands that i left and closes with "from the river to the sea" and doesn't it just suck that some things have no hope of ever beginning and yet still end somehow

[everythingsinred]

trying to make teachers' (global) complaints abt kids theyre supposed to be teaching about "generational politics" and saying stuff like "people always complain about the young generation" is so dismissive and ridiculous. atp yall are being purposefully obtuse. these kids cant read. they cant write. they cant think critically. teachers GLOBALLY are begging parents to care, to no avail. kids dont respect their teachers, they dont respect their schoolwork, they dont respect their education, theyre severely behind across the board. to try and write that entire problem off as "complaining about the young generation" is so dismissive i have no words. obviously its the fault of the kids' parents but we are looking at an entire generation of people who are graduating high school with no skills. these people are joining society and dont know how to think. yall should be furious and instead youre trying to write it off as "hating on gen alpha". please get over yourselves

[transingthoseformers]

That would be fragging hilarious though if there was a situation where Scourge was a post war Megop kid but Optimus was the carrier because there's just this little shit that hates his ass and nobody knows why, and it's just like:

Optimus: "Scourge is being difficult today, again."

Starscream: "Whatever did you do to make that one hate you so much?"

Optimus: "I pushed him out of my valve and that was apparently a mortal sin in his optics."

[terreurs]

working at an art camp this summer and had a non-binary camper this week who obviously was raised by cool opinionated lesbian parents but also is prone to disrupting which was like this perfect combination of loudly interrupting the most mundane camp activities with facts about how capitalist overlords are killing the planet and it's always morally right to scam elon musk. and i was like no listen i agree with you but can we talk about it after we finish miming sea creatures with the 5 year olds. ok nice

[anotherpapercut]

I know several people who like LOVE seasons 5-7 (11th doctors run) and think the storylines and moffats writing are brilliant and I don't get it!!! what am I missing??? why does literally every single episode have the exact same stakes: Rory/Amy/the doctor is dead. forever. so dead. but wait!!! what if they aren't!!! why do so many of the explanations for why they're not actually dead feel so rushed like they were added at the last minute!! why does every single queer character act kind of weird and awkward about being queer!! why does the doctor casually say that women are inferior when no one's around!!! what the fuck!! hello!!!

[pkmnherpetology]

several years ago, an elderly paldean man who lived in a small town by a remote river was out doing his daily chores when he heard the sound of an infant crying downstream. concerned that a baby had been lost or abandoned, the man followed the sound to the source, which turned out to be a small clodsire that had been agitated by something. while the discovery was important, as clodsire is endangered and recovery efforts have been slow, the man reportedly told news stations that he was rather disappointed, as he had hoped to adopt the baby as his granddaughter if it turned out to be a baby girl.

[p4nishers]

can we actually take a moment and remember swan upon leda? can we actually shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and think about our lord and savior swan upon leda because i'm tired of doing it alone every single day guys