#just earn enough to live
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Been talking about writing a lot in therapy (because it's a special interest and since I'm autistic I'm gonna be autistic and do the Talking About It) and how it's been my biggest coping skill over the years. I literally started writing stories the moment I learned how to write, and even before that I already told stories. At the lowest points in my life, it has been what kept me from unaliving myself because I still had that one story to tell.
Been talking about the perfectionism that comes with it too. My therapist said that I must be aware I have a talent for it because of the sheer amount I write which I had never thought about before. But yeah, appareantly not everyone could write 100.000 words in a month lmao. By now I feel like I'm finally going somewhere with my writing. Like, when I look back at my old stuff (aka stuff from 2021-2022) I feel like it's so bad, but that only means that what I write now has much more skill and structure.
For my autism, being able to make a living as a writer would be the perfect job and ever since I was little, it has been my dream. 90% of the people I told this said I would never make it, but you know in which scenario I'll never make it? If I stop trying. So I might as well continue working on it. Because I already got so much better at it, and I still have time to learn.
#personal posts#writing tag#it's literally my number 1 reason to be alive#telling my silly little stories#i don't care if people laugh at me for my dreams#i'd regret it my whole life if i stopped trying#and I don't wanna get rich by writing books#just earn enough to live
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In the past, people in the Animal Crossing community would make fun of Tom Nook as a sleazy landlord. Since then, he's really rehabilitated his image as this 'heart of gold' businessman (he's the one who puts bells and furniture in trees for you to find! he adopted orphans! he donates to charity!), but New Horizons genuinely paints the most devious version of him.
He's successfully privatized settler colonialism: you pay HIM to move to a "deserted island" (which apparently the oceans in the AC world are just full of) and start a colony that he is directly invested in. At best he's running a weird vacation package scam (you arrive on the island with no money and in debt for "using his services"). At worst, he's using you to set up company towns. For god's sake, he literally has his own fake currency that he forces you to use to pay off your debt. But don't worry, he's repackaged it in a way that definitely doesn't sound like an MLM scam: the Nook Mileage Program!
You're no longer just his tenant or his temporary part-timer, you're his business lackey. The entire tutorial section of the game has you spending actual weeks running around completing tasks and doing hard labor to set up his colony. You're even tasked with preparing his properties and finding buyers for them. No, you aren't a tenant anymore. You work for the landlord. You are directly responsible for finding tenants for him. And he doesn't even fucking pay you. Not for setting up town hall and museum, or his nephew's shop –– which is the ONLY store on the entire island that sells necessities –– or bringing KK Slider to town, or helping populate his town. Not a single cent. No, actually, you have to pay HIM to BUY infrastructure like bridges and stairs and park benches. And all the while, he's telling you're the "resident representative"; you get to call the shots! That the reward is the community's progress. That what you're doing is in everyone's best interest (but most importantly, his).
Since NH's release, people have done a lot of legwork to say that Tom Nook isn't a capitalist while the game shows him at his very worst. He owns the only general store in town. You're forced to use a phone that he modified and branded as his own. Buy Nook-branded furniture and merchandise at the self-serve kiosk in the town hall, a governmental building! There's no conflict of interest here!
But hey, if you're tired of being the landlord/business mogul's goon, you can also find work as a deluxe resort home designer for a company that also pays you in their special company currency that can only be used to buy their products instead of a real salary! Because that's what the Animal Crossing franchise needs! More vacation homes!!!
#this is a really long winded way to say i really really really really hate new horizon's storyline and player role#i really hate that not only your house but the entire TOWN. the whole COMMUNITY you're a part of is owed to tom nook's business#i really hate the “vacation getaway package” angle because it shows just how commercialized the entire premise of nh is#and how lost the game is in its original core concept#animal crossing is about the experience of moving to a new town and becoming a part of that community#just to compare: all past ac games have a similar opening#you're on a bus or train or taxi to someplace new. a stranger strikes up a conversation and you get to know them before arriving#new horizons opens with you at customer service desk filling out an client application before a flight.#in prev games working for nook in the tutorial is meant to be demeaning. you want it to be over with so you can actually start living life#but in new horizons working for tom nook IS your life. and it's so rewarding! don't you feel rewarded?#you aren't a person. you aren't a new neighbor. you're tom nook's client. and then his unpaid employee. and the game insists it's fun to be#that's how void the game is#because it's bad enough that a rpg life sim got turned into a sandbox game where you have to build the town yourself#but the only reason why you're building it is because the landlord who you're in debt to TOLD you to build it.#everything is a rewards program! everything is a tour service! be sure to do your daily tasks to earn nook bucks to spend on nook merch!#that really sucks imo.#i mean. the entire game is based around the vacationing industry. of course it all feels fake and temporary. it's only a vacation.#long post#rant#not art#god the fact that your starter villagers can't even decide where to live you have to decide for them#i've never played a game that does the opposite of handholding#where instead it's the PLAYER who has to handhold the npcs through everything. and newsflash!! it's really exhausting and boring
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I'm rewatching Trollhunters in the background right now, and the disfunctional mother son relationship between Jim and his mom is making me crazy.
Like, he's taking care of the household and his mother for years as a teenager and before probably. She is sometimes giving half hearted comments about him not having to do so much, but very obviously she's not gonna make him stop do all the cooking and cleaning. Y'know. Both because they've been living like this for years, and because it's obviously also very comfortable to have someone do all the house work.
Then Strickler comes into the picture, and if we ignore the whole Troll and changeling side of the story, Barabara gets very offended cause Jim doesn't want her to meet him privately. Again, ignoring the whole magic and trolls stuff, STRICKLER IS JIMS TEACHER. If Jim hadn't figured out that Strickler was a changeling he probably wouldn't have a problem with it, but the fact that he does, no matter the reason, should be enough for Barbara to put a stop to the relationship. Her child is clearly uncomfortable with her seeing/dating that guy, for whatever reason, and even clearly vocalized it. But she doesn't care about, or rather, she tells Jim that she "wouldn't expect something like that" from him. Obviously not, cause she may see him like her child/teenager he is, BUT DOESN'T TREAT HIM LIKE ONE.
And then Jim, unknowingly to Barbara, becomes the Trollhunter, and his behavior changes. He's suddenly doing reckless stuff, sneaking out, getting bruises, landing in detention and even at the police station, barely avoiding a police report. What does she do? Asking him what's going on? If everything's alright at school? If he has any other problems? Maybe trying to lower his workload around the house, which again, he's doing most of that as a teenager and longer probably.
Nah. She doesn't do anything until he lands in the hospital. Except for again, dismissing him rather negatively at the one topic he's openly expressing any negative opinions about (Strickler). And after he lands in the hospital she now starts not asking questions, but demanding answers. Demanding answers from a teenager in a difficult situation who is also now acting much more like a teenager than he ever did before, from her point of view at least. Except she obviously doesn't know how to deal with a teenager, cause she has never had to raise or live with a teenager. She instead lived with a child pretending to be an adult for years, that was partly much more of an adult than she was, who did way to much work even before Jim became the Trollhunter. So she throws punishments at him and grounds him, but does he listen?
No. Cause why should he? Not only is he dealing with things much more important than being grounded, yknow, saving the world, he's trying to protect her from the sheer knowledge of the supernatural and physically protecting her from getting harmed. And again, for the majority of the time since his dad left he pretended to be an adult. He was and is the main adult in the household, dealing with important things she doesn't even know about.
The only one's treating Jim like a teenager are teachers, other children and Blinky and Aaargh sort of when they're not in the middle of Troll business. Strickler, in the first episodes where Jim doesn't know about his true identity, is much more of a parental figure to Jim (also after his redemption later on tbh) than his mother.
In summary: Barbara is treating her son like an adult, almost like a partner, instead of a child/teenager. And when that isn't possible anymore she doesn't know how to properly treat him. She also doesn't really care that her son is uncomfortable with her being around Strickler, or Strickler in general. And it takes Blinky telling her (when Jim is 16) that Jim might be affected by his father leaving when he was five years old.
Jim meanwhile is treating his mother more like a child/teenager instead of the adult and MOTHER that she is. Seeing her as his responsibility. Cooking for her. Cleaning for her. Telling her to rest and take breaks.
They obviously love each other other. And their relationship might not be toxic, but it's very much disfunctional. In a way that is mostly negative for Jim.
#toa#toa trollhunters#trollhunters#jim lake jr#jim lake junior#barbara lake#walter strickler#trollhunters strickler#tales of arcadia#blinky#aarghhh#trollhunters blinky#Barabara; just because Steves mother has a relationship with one of his teachers and it working out between him and her son#Doesn't mean it's gonna work out for you#If you're a parent and your child is uncomfortable with a partner of yours#YOU BREAK IT UP#Especially if your child is still living with you#Seriously#Okay I know trainer Lawrence probably only became Steves stepdad later in the series#And they also had to work some things out first#But at least they didn't try to kill each other and trainer Lawrence was actively trying to be a good parent/friend to steve#And don't get me started on “A vespa costs so much”: YOU'RE A DOCTOR#Don't know much about new jersey or wherever the show takes place but doctors earn good money almost everywhere#Especially with how much nightshifts and over time hours she has#Not being sure about your 16 year old driving I understand#But don't try to excuse it with money when you're obviously not poor and he's been wanting it for so long that you could've easily saved up#The money till his 16th birthday#Okay I ranted about this long enough#Also the fandom is dead so nobody will read this probably#Byeee
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How do you headcanon regulus personality to be like? Do you feel as though James and regulus complement each other in some ways?
why yes of course! i fundamentally disagree w outwardly mean and evil regulus bc it makes no sense canonically. perhaps in an au where he separates himself from his parents and gets to be happy but regulus cares too much to be outwardly rude to people . it would impact his reputation and his families reputation like he isn’t hexing people in the hallways . he’s a professional faker (shit talks behind people’s back most definitely) and feels guilty and horrible everytime he’s plagued with an evil thought . i know many people view him as a selfish character but i think he’s fundamentally not . he puts everyone else’s wishes for him above his own . he doesn’t really exist as a person outside of his family . i do think , outside of this control, he would be sarcastic and have very dry humor , would love to read and would be very introverted but long for connection and friendship. a loner not by choice, he enjoys company but has no idea how to reach for it. i think he loves magic and magical creatures and genuinely holds a lot of love in his heart that his family disapproves of !! regulus soft black !!! not to say i think regulus doesn’t have an attitude and an edge …. i just think he has fundamentally good morals sorry! i’m a good person regulus black enjoyer i can’t help it …. of course he’s morally gray but most of the decisions he makes r caused by the life long abuse and trauma he is subject to . regulus black was suicidal as hell in those deatheater meetings the moment he turned 18 he killed himself LMFAO . i just know he was the most uncomfortable person in there at any given moment . i think vaguely threatening posh regulus is true but it is his exterior and the assumptions ppl make … and then they get to know him and realize he’s got like a little kid version of himself who holds the world with so much fascination . and it makes you sad when you realize he thinks it’s a flaw and wants to stomp it out
in this way i think he compliments james very well!! both people who really do value others and life but behave in very odd judgmental ways (regulus being a fake recluse who can’t function as a person w control over his life and opinions who is fake as hell and sarcastic whilst also having no understanding of social situations and desperate to be liked by people around him. number one peer pressure victim. 15,000 mental illnesses and a penchant for self harming behavior.) (james potter who is unfortunately consistently acting like a frat bro at any given moment : assumes everyone naturally loves him and is mostly right which does evil things for him as a person . would die for his friends but is also insufferable to be around (affectionate) . harshly judgmental to anyone who doesn’t fit into his box of what counts as a good person (which by the way regulus challenges in a way i think helps james as a character!) . looping back to the frat bro thing i think james is the type of person to throw a crazy party and convince everybody to drink and do unsafe things for the fun and when u realize u don’t have a ride home and can’t walk u are so fucking SCARED to ask to stay the night bc of his general vibes but then he ends up taking care of you and getting u pain killers and making like an awesome breakfast for the whole crew? should be the worst person you know but just beneath the surface is so much good it’s impossible to hate him.) you would never think these people would get along but then they both love quidditch and train for it like it’s their life and they are both academics with serious opinions on art and literature they would both die for even though they are often opposing . they are the first people they can have a conversation with and truly match eachothers freak on any given topic. the fundamentals of both of their characters is how much they care about life and the things inside of it . it manifests in different ways but i truly think the thesis of jegulus is that they are so much more similar than one might think outwardly , and it creates a soft intimacy between them . and also just james introducing the concept of silliness fun and happiness into regulus’ life lol!!
#they mean so much to me ….#jegulus you will always be famous!!#good regulus black YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS!!#marauders#marauders era#regulus black#rab#jegulus#james potter#snake in the lions den#ivy answers#i know many people think viewing regulus black as a good person is boring but i disagree#i see nothing boring about a good person who thinks their goodness is a personal flaw based on their grooming and trauma#and is trying very hard to act like the “bad person they are expected to be bc they think it will earn them affection from their groomers#just to realize it will not and everything they’d done has only made them miserable and ruined their relationships and dreams and hopes#you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing !!!!#if u don’t get it u don’t get it but something made regulus guilty enough to immediately decide to kill himself#when he very easily could have lived
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so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently
#ive been running on “two cakes. u aren't BOTHERING people by putting art on their feed they can scroll past it/if they dont they get ”cake“”#and we love “cake”#“cake” is picture on the internet in this case#like okay the contracts and transaction format is a me problem!! i need to get rid of the “utilitarian brain worms” bc they're boring#this is supposed to be a hobby and the “get a good grade in hobby” wolf in the brain is just crying bc that's how they understand the world#the “get a good grade in x” wolf has valid pain but needs to stop controlling my life because they don't need to earn “enough value to live”#ect ect ect#and the life of minmaxxed utility is a life of trying to appeal to a “correct” that doesn't exist yaddi yadda = boring#i love you wolf. also shut up. affectionate. concerned. you get it#ok so we remove tangible purpose from act of experience art because THAT'S not “the point”#because “the point” is the joy killer eccetera ecc#but then what? “here check out this labor of love. i drew this fucker 15 times. no there's no story* there it's just a guy”#*story in this case being an emotional engagement/a situation/a context in which to ponder/other#so it's just a Draw. no further analysis. what do others Get from that?#i know i deeply enjoy art because im a fan of the process of People Making Stuff. i love when there was nothing but now there's something!!!#THAT'S what's it all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!! right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so it stands to reason that creation is purpose enough?? to be experienced???? to be known????????#idk!!#this is a nothing burger of a thought people have always liked picture on the internet stfu maiora there doesn't need to be a reason#this is just the brainworms talking!!! because god forbid “something not have a purpose”??? blegh!!!!!!!!#sounds like unhealthy rationalizing instead of letting things be out of The Fear™!!sounds like depraving urself from joy bc of BRAINWORMS!!!#so like!!!!! picture on the internet doesn't NEED inherent value. creation is enough!! (plus there's the Attachment to Character. also.)#but then why are YOU *points at you* here? gen q!!#i made an image you like and now you are reading my word babble in some tags!!! what's THAT all about???????????#it's INTERESTING!! do you see what im trying to get at??#is it empathy??? person made something other saw something other made- other2other connection???? intrigue????????#.......all this is probably explained in some book or yt essay somewhere. oh well.#in the meantime thank you for your time! we can pretend we were stuck in an elevator together and then i started rambling#i hope you have a great rest of your day thanks for stopping by!! <3#maiora garrulates
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I don't love Alexsandr Kallus because he's some precious, perfect paragon of a man; that's not what he is. I love Alexsandr Kallus because he was absolutely horrible and he changed. He made amends. He uprooted literally his entire life out of remorse for what he'd done in the past and determination to do better in the future. He sacrificed everything he'd ever built because it was built on the pain and death of others and he didn't want that to be the sum of his life anymore. He went into a future where all he knew he could expect was to be hunted because he was once the hunter and he wanted to make up for it. He opened his damn eyes and he looked at what he'd done and he said this isn't right, I'm going to be different from now on if it kills me. I love Alexsandr Kallus because he changed.
#alexsandr kallus#star wars#Star Wars rebels#agent kallus#his story just gets me alright?#he's living proof that even if you've done the wrong thing before you can still choose to do the right thing from now on#and he doesn't just defect and have done#he takes his sweet time thinking about his life and deciding what he wants to do#and THEN he's a spy for a long time#and he REFUSES to be extracted once because he wants to keep doing good#and THEN when there's absolutely nothing more he can do as a spy THEN he flees to join the rebellion on the ground#and he gives it his all#his imperial knowledge#and his fighting skill#and THEN he gets a happy ending#he didn't have to die to earn redemption#everything he did in his life was enough#I'm literally going to cry about him#you can never wipe your slate clean but you can start writing better things#and kallus is such a beautiful example of that#time for tears!!!!#he's just so real to me#he actually redeems himself#he actually cares about doing that not just about being accepted by the rebels#I love him ur honor#martianbugsbunny opines
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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#my stuff#i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash#nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul#i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends#i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch#i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care#i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside#these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life#it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day#it never feels like enough. it probly never will#i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends#as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again#i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now#i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD#i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside#i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp#perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair
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Run Boy Run
#the arcana#The Arcana Game#lucio morgasson#count lucio#julian devorak#ilya devorak#the fact that lucio had a crush on julian...#i find it hilarious and reeeeally really sad at the same time lol#i think lucio fell for anybody who paid him just a liiiiittle bit of attention#meanwhile julian is like#INTERNALLY SCREAMING#they dont pay me enough for this#just endure it boy you have to earn a living
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Awsten Knight Hair (Two different files)
I started with showing Red & Black first as it's the latest but I made 17 swatches. I think I covered every significant color, skipping most Greatest Hits hairs as those are a pain okay, I am but a single person with GIMP. I did do the scene hair but I would like to some day do it on another mesh. I sorted and organized all my pictures of Awsten, over 400 btw, by hair color, to help me figure out the best examples of each, and to figure out which ones were just faded versions of the others, a few swatches are 'faded' colors, and which looked distinct enough to make swatches for. Green seems most consistent, I have the most pics of blue. Greatest Hits tricolor and red & black are my favorites. The blue is the first color that shows up on the swatches so the thumbnail shows blue hair to make finding it easy. I tried to mimic that the two distinct reds were not exactly the same. I've gotten way too fucking good at telling when a picture came from even if the color is gone from it. None of these are what hair my Awsten Sim normally has tho.
This is. I made this a couple years ago and never changed it from most outfits as it just makes him stand out and it took hours to make, I wanted to get the most out of it. Just one swatch here. Both of these are base game mesh recolors, so nothing else is needed. Standalone files. Also I went out of my way to grab werewolfy poses and emotions because I think it's adorable, okay. He's the least intimidating werewolf, but still my favorite. Forgive Jack's face and body and everything being in frame a lot I am playing as him.
Hair 1
Hair 2
#sims 4#sims 4 cc#the sims 4#ts4 cc#the sims cc#ts4#sims 4 cas#ts4 cas#cas#awsten knight#waterparks#hair#sims 4 hair#I got sick of Alex so I swapped to play as Jack so I could use him for jewellery stuff as I felt that pack fits Spellcaster aesthetics#But his apartment has no room for that shit so I set it up at his parents' house and they are a pain but they are spellcasters too#Anyway finding rocks is harder than I thought but I made a lot of jewellery for Awsten because LUNAR hahaha werewolf#But when visiting Awsten the first time also hoping he'd bite Jack from a new mod I got#Jack is dumb and he kept playing with Awsten's pet rat instead and LONG STORY SHORT he got himself bit by the dumb rat#Got sick and had like no fucking money and no quick way to earn it so I kept pickpocketing random sims to get some#Just enough that he could get the antidote and NOT DIE he almost fucking died#I tried messing with his bitchy neighbor when he was contagious but yeah other stuff happened with her instead#Anyway he is now barred from playing with rats as he is too dumb to live#Yeah I made hair for Awsten but I have nothing to say about him as a Sim#He's a dog that's all there is to it#Okay that is his house tho i built it when the Werewolves pack was new and I got him moved away from an apartment into Moonwood Mill#And got him turned into a werewolf#He has 7 cats btw#I made green hair for him first way back when before all that but this is a new version of it#I'm not a big fan of the purple
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LOL don't call us "plagiarists". I'm gonna take all your art, put it through AI and sell it. Cry about it :)
:/
i honestly want to like go away until people learn like some kindness and ethics. like i honestly just want to sleep for like a year.
and what is it with thieves being upset upon being called thieves.
^op sells ai commissions btw so this is especially infuriating.
#fuck this#i... just want to earn enough to live#and not be exploited#but apparently that's too much to ask#or even too much for people to understand#anti ai#fuck ai#see you guys later maybe
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Ludinus Da’leth really just sat there and said with his whole chest that clerics were unfair because wizards have to earn their power. Wizards get their power from learning, and it’s a feudal system so there is no part of that learning that is free. If you want to be a wizard you either need to get really damn lucky and fall into a scholarship or your parents have a shitton of money to begin with, and judging by how he acts and how he treats people it was definitely the latter. He had all the barriers to magical power removed for him before he was even born and he thinks he deserves the world for the little work he did put in, and now he’s here to talk to us about how unfair it is that other people are on the same level as him? Compared to clerics, who can be picked from anywhere and any situation because the gods don’t discriminate?
Every class of magic user works for their power, one way or another. Every single one, including warlocks and clerics and whoever else he despises, and he can’t handle it because that would make him less special. So he’ll drown Exandria in blood to rise even higher from his already lofty position and then demand you thank him for the privilege. A true man of the people, there.
#critical role#ludinus da'leth#cr spoilers#self-important prick#i hope he lives just long enough to realize how fucking stupid he is before predathos uses him as a toothpick#oh fjord didn't 'earn' his magic bitch he shoved a fucking sword into his chest for his friends#the most you ever did was stick your arm in a death machine because you were too stupid to realize it was a death machine
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while the dinner with family yesterday was awful, I heard a story from my grandma that was genuinely chilling, and made me think of this sudden resurgence of 'stay at home girlfriend' or trad content that is being pushed online. basically, my grandma's male friend recently had a massive stroke, and is in a hospice essentially just waiting to pass away. this has really put his partner into dire straits - he never got married to his girlfriend of 30ish years, and now, she's living in (his) house that she has no legal right to occupy. she's been a stay-at-home partner, so she has no pension, no savings, no money whatsoever to move out. and the man's family (who *do* have a legal right to his house) are hovering like vultures ready to take possession. this woman is in her 70s, and has absolutely nothing in the world now that he's on his deathbed. i cannot imagine a scarier situation to find oneself in.
#'soft life' 'kept woman' 'stay-at-home girlfriend' UNTIL THE MAN SUPPORTING YOU DIES OR LEAVES YOU#and if you're not even married to him you have absolutely no legal right to any of the capital you might have helped him build !!#you'll be living in poverty with no home and no way to make a living and no pension#i'm BEGGING you. work enough to earn your own keep. keep a secret bank account to escape if you need to.#make sure you have a legal right to things you've help acquire just in case he decides he no longer wants you or something happens to him#be careful for the love of god !!!!
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everyday i wake up and have to repeat in the mirror "babe you're not cursed you're just in your twenties"
#twenties are not for the weak slash srs.#but i'm trying to escape the negative ass mindset i have and just stick to the#i am young and i am learning how to live#and my life is rapidly getting rid of things that aren't right for me and introducing things that are mindset#and that's something to be grateful for even if it does feel a bit like trial by fire#i mean life cant be as bad as my depression tells me it is#i have a wonderful girlfriend and cute cats and im going to get a job and i have enough money to get through the next few months before#i have to worry#and i know what i want my career path to be and it's going to be a climbing the ladder type sitch but i love that bc i want to earn the#position i end up in#life in your twenties is just scary and chaotic and a process of thinking you know what you want and having it be changed completely#and that is a-okie#my hope is returning fr fr...#valentina talks
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i keep anxiously swallowing air and hurting my stomach
#im almost finished the dissertation#just two weeks#two weeks of hard work left#and then i can progress to the next phase#work experience#driving license#and an extra class in data analysis#having long term goals is really grounding and it feels great to fulfill them#my plan is attainable but it requires hard work#and after the hard work i will have earned a comfortable and stable life#which is something rare and thought by many to be extinct#im very lucky to have this path#and im privileged to be able enough to do it#it all feels within reach#but that doesnt mean that it isnt extremely hard#and makes me feel ill#but at the end i will have a qualification which will make me in demand for a well paying career#whos pay scales are good enough that the starting salary will be enough to make it possible for me to own a place to live#a small one but still#and i have to keep thinking about that while its hard#while i have no time and no money#while im tired all the time#while i feel sick and swallow big gulps of air#because in five years from now i will be fully qualified and starting the career#and in eight years from now i will be able to work wherever i want in the country#and if i have to sacrifice all the other parts of my life to get there then itll be worth it#even if everything else suffers a little bit
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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