#just been working on an original thing I’ll try to self publish

[existentialflirt]

Thinking about Buffyverse lore again. What if we just all agreed to throw out all that soul nonsense? Because we already have the whole vampires are just dead humans possessed by demons. Great, wonderful, love it, but then the whole soul thing makes it over complicated. Tbh, it reads like an agnostic version of the idea that you need religion to be able to do good things. Like, without the fear of damnation, human instinct is to be utterly depraved and monstrous. Anyway, if a vampire acting against their evil tendencies is a matter of a demon having a change of heart, isn’t that so much more meaningful?

[quinnyundertow]

Can I ask what got you into writing? I love your writing style and I'm so curious about your process as well.

This is such a sweet ask. I love it. This may be way more than what you were expecting haha. But I’m alone in the hospital and this feels cathartic.

I’ve always loved to write since I can remember. When I was in elementary school I remember getting yelled at and crying because I had to write a story about a thanksgiving turkeys adventure and mine was like twenty pages. They said it was too long and hurry up and I was frustrated because I wasn’t done!

I think what really solidified my love for writing is I needed fantasy to escape. In middle and early high school my parents divorced and I was bullied relentlessly. Gum put in my hair, things thrown at me, called fat at every opportunity. I had teachers that bullied me too for being fat. I was SA’d multiple times, depressed and started cutting. I’ve honestly tried to block most of it out.

The point is I had found anime and a few friends who loved it too. So any opportunity I had I begged friends to do writing journals with me. We’d make up a crack fic plots then write self insert and pass a notebook back and forth between classes every chapter for the next person to write. We wrote for Yugioh, Naruto, Dragonball Z, Fruits Basket popular ones at the time. I also wrote poetry, fanfics and original stories to try and escape anyway I could. Writing was the highlight of my teenage years. But other than that it was hell and you could never pay me enough money to repeat them.

I dropped out of Highschool from the bullying and my depression. But I studied and took a test for Highschool equivalency and then went to college and got straight As. College is nothing like Highschool. No one cares what you do. At least in my experience. I wanted to be a writer or manga artist but my father told me I wasn’t good enough and I wish I wouldn’t have taken it to heart and listened. I stopped writing for like ten years except for periodic ideas in notebooks until this last November.

Jujutsu Kaisen had become my comfort anime and then chapter 236 happened. I was so depressed I decided to try and read fanfics again. I’ve always read a lot of published books and was staggered to see a ton of fanfic writers were just as good if not better than published writers. After reading a ton of amazing works I decided I needed a fix it story that was ultimately happy for JJK and here we are.

Sorry if this was boring or too much. But if you take away something from this take this. Life is always changing. Tomorrow will not be the same as today. That much is guaranteed. If you have nothing left to live for then you have nothing to lose by trying something crazy or new. I was broken down to nothing by bullies, family issues, mental and physical health and I was incredibly suicidal. Somehow I found the will to try again. I got on depression and anxiety medication (still on to this day), worked for a higher education and took a shitty paying job to claw my way back up. My life is far from perfect but despite everything I worked hard to now have a boss babe high paying career and after restarting writing and meeting you all I’ve never been happier.

As far as a writing process I pretend I’m not going to post what I write and write it just for me. I ask myself what do I think would be the coolest thing to happen? What would I want to see next? Then I write it. Most of the time it sucks, or I don’t feel like writing it but I force it out. I make myself sit for 15 minutes and just write something. Then I rewrite it. Keep what parts I liked toss what feels off. Repeat. Eventually I’m having fun and loving the process.

When rewriting I’ll name them things like WICYG Chapter 12.2 for the second rewrite etc. I’ll screen shot my google doc so you can see the insanity haha. Sometimes I’ll rewrite four plus times. At the end of the day I want to love what I write and do it for me. Then when I find people that like it too it makes me over the moon happy. I hope one day to have the confidence to write my original stories in my head out. Writing fics for yall has definitely helped build my confidence as a writer.Thanks again for the ask anon sorry for the life story but I’ve never told people all that and it was healing to get out.

My messy google docs 🥹 Madhouse is Sanity Last Stop lol.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey I dunno if you’ve gotten this before but. Do you have anything on autism and DID/OSDD? Specifically resources or accounts and such (since I’ve seen the positivity post)

I struggle with emotional dysregulation, big memory issues (huge chunks of childhood and adolescence missing, forgetting things constantly, dissociating emotions from memories, etc,) frequent daydreaming/spacing out/dissociation, that type of thing (and a bit more that’s a little too complicated to explain in an ask lol)

I’ve always kind of figured it was just part of me being autistic (I’m professionally diagnosed and definitely very autistic regardless lol), but I’ve recently gone down a bit of a rabbit hole relating to plurality and now I’m wondering if it could be a symptom of DID/OSDD instead/as well (I was originally looking at something else and stumbled into the tags somehow. The original thing that led me here was foxes. I think. And then I had a bit of a panic as I realized how some of the symptoms were VERY close to some of my experiences. Especially the memories.) but i also can’t tell if it’s just some sort of brain fog(???? Is that the correct term?) / alexithymia / Unknown Autism Trait 3 that nobody ever talks about and is difficult to find any sort of explanation or resources for. And my brain protested and had the equivalent of being on the verge of a sobbing meltdown or mental overload of some sort when I tried to think about stuff relevant to the topic so I don’t think it’s going to be of much help to me right now.

obviously not asking for diagnosis or to self diagnose at all (since. I understand you cant really do either of those /lh /nm) but I’m curious if any of you know of any resources relating to this specific type of stuff? I feel like I’d go insane trying to find any info on it. (And also I don’t think my brain would want to cooperate if I asked it to because it basically shuts down, gives me a headache, and turns to a pathetic wet sobbing cat whenever I try to think about the possibility so I doubt I’ll be identifying as anything anytime soon but. I want some stuff to think over at least.)

hey, we also are autistic and have dissociative identity disorder. unfortunately, there isn’t really too much research on the overlap between autism and complex dissociative disorder diagnoses at this time, that we know of, but we do think that autistic people may have a higher likelihood of dissociating and developing a cdd than neurotypical people.

we really love mike lloyd’s work at the ctad clinic, and he has an insightful video on the intersection of autism and dissociation here:

here is an open access paper by katherine e. reuben and ayden parish on dissociation as a symptom in autism - it’s an interesting read and wasn’t too difficult for us to parse:

also, here are a couple life experience pieces by folks with both did and autism:

our own autism has contributed to our trauma history in how we were treated, formed attachment, and understood the world as a child. for our own system, our autism and our did are inextricably linked. we are certain that many other autistic systems feel the same.

if exploring this possibility for yourself is causing you great distress, it may be for the best to put this off to the side for now until you have reached a point with more stability or a greater support system in your life. please don’t overwhelm or cause yourself harm by looking into this possibility on your own, if it is unhealthy for you.

if you are in therapy or have a mental health professional in your life who you trust, this would be an excellent thing to bring up to them. though hopefully these resources can help you get started learning about this topic if you have the spoons/ability to do so.

we are no medical expert or research professional, but we are happy to talk more about our personal experience of being both autistic and a did system if anyone would be interested. best of luck to you, anon, with figuring this out. we know how confusing and challenging it can be!

[balrogballs]

Lord Balls First of Her Name, I am going to ask you a non feral question for once. I was so taken by your essay I had to re read it, I knew you’re a writer but that was Writing, and yeah. I see why. It made me bawl, Balls! I wanted to ask, if you can talk about something you find hard about writing, like anything you struggle with? I’ve always been curious if published authors still suffer Imposter syndrome, or if that goes away at any point

Don’t apologise at all, I love the question and it gave me a lot of food for thought! Also “it made me bawl, Balls” ended me LMAOOO

Answer under the cut so as to not flood anyone’s feed!

The main thing I struggle with is actually worldbuilding, and you can certainly see that across some of my works. As in, not as a weakness per se, but rather my tendency to use out-of-universe history or literary references as a crutch rather than purely as enhancement.

I actually only realised it recently when trying to think of a piece of imagery for The Sword Tree, from the POV of a character rather than a reader — I had reached out immediately to a crucifixion metaphor to serve as both a symbol of violence and the start of a new age, but then had to pause and think about why the fuck an in-universe character would think of that. Aka whilst Tolkien was a big fan of Biblical imagery and the readers would also recognise it, Maedhros would have no clue what the Bible was. In the end I went with another symbol, Gil-galad bursting into flame at the foot of Orodruin (which the re-embodied Maedhros didn’t see either, but would obviously have known of, living in Aman). But yeah my initial urge is always to reach for the real-world theological or literary.

Another is that I’m very unadventurous when it comes to style — I’ll happily write across genre and category, but I don’t really divulge from my general writing style, which is essentially that of an omniscient ‘oral storyteller’, sometimes breaking the fourth wall to directly address the reader etc, unadventurous because this is very similar to my irl writing style and is quite common in “world literature”.

I will say imo with the style aspect it works relatively well when writing for Tolkien fandom because the original text itself is told by a similarly conscious ‘storyteller’ so it tends to read okay in general! But it has NOT worked in some other fandoms I’ve written for, however — Naruto is one I can think of off the top of my head.

As in, it can sound like I’m rather up my own ass — I think quite a few of my earlier non-Tolkien works on FFnet (all scrubbed from internet) suffer from this. It’s okay in small doses for sure, but anything longer than a oneshot got grating to read.

However, this might be because I’m very, very self critical — another flaw I think! One that definitely comes from writing in the same style as I do IRL. I tend to beat myself up a ton over prose, tiny stylistic things, delete works in retrospect that I’m not happy with, and treat anything I write as something that should be of publishable standard — it’s genuinely a damaging habit both for myself as well as how fanfic should be viewed (there’s no need for fanfic to be of publishable standard!!! it’s not meant to be published!!! It’s for fun!!!). I don’t do this when I read, not at all, and I enjoy everything I read in the spirit of fanfic and love reading stuff others have written – but yeah when it comes to me, I can be a bit of a self flagellant.

Aka I was cool to admit the ass slapping Lindir smut to a publisher bc it was nicely written but if it was say my old Penny Dreadful fics I would just be like NEVER HEARD OF HER

It’s something I’m actively working on, and have been quite good with recently, in that I’ll only take something down with an actual good reason aka if I intend to make structural changes and repost, rather than “oh no this paragraph is not as great as it could be”.

Also re: imposter syndrome, I debuted at 25 with no creative writing qualifications or writing portfolio, so it is still unfortunately a burden I bear hahaha.

And thank you so much for the kind words about the essay — I always feel very at home writing creative non fiction, and sometimes prefer it to fiction (though not fanfic 🤪).

Hope this answers the questions, feel free to ask again if I didn’t!

[darlingpoppet]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤️

Thanks Jo and also to @onionjuggler for tagging me, sorry for answering so late </3 (wait since I got tagged twice should I go ahead and self-rec 5 more fics after this or is that too self-indulgent even for me??) Ah well :)

I’m not really sure what order to put these in, so I’ll just list them chronologically!

Pressed Flowers (Shingeki no Kyojin, Eruri, T)

This was the first fic I managed to get over the finish line after years of having no idea how to build a bridge to the creative writing island in my brain, and thanks to the momentum created by this one I’ve been publishing new fics regularly ever since. In a weird way this still feels like my best written fic because you know that phenomenon when you’re in the weeds developing a skill and at times you feel like you’re getting worse, in a “the more you learn, the less you know” kind of way? This was the fic where I felt the least self-conscious about my abilities so I was able to just express all the ideas I wanted to convey without thinking too hard about any of it, and idk sometimes that can be an asset to the final product (the word flow probably needs improvement though lol.) But also I’m just fond of the perfect, peaceful moment I was able to create for Eruri here.

Upon A Lazy Bed (TSOA, Patrochilles, M)

Whenever I get into a new piece of media or a new ship I really just like to stew in it for a few months, because in a way whatever you post first will be a treatise of sorts on how you view the thing… and yeah so anyway this is what I came up with after snorting pure uncut Patrochilles for the first six months of shipping it (even if Once More ending up beating it to the finish line so I guess that’s the real Patrochilles treatise, lol.) I like this one because I was able to try something new, especially because the narrative voice of TSOA was still in my head at the time so it was a fun challenge to replicate it to some degree (this is still my only 1st person pov fic to date.) I felt myself leveling up as a writer as I was working on it too, which is always a cool feeling.

Where The Dead Forget (Hades, Patrochilles, M-E)

This fic is still ongoing and even what I’ve published so far is just the iceberg tip belying all the effort and ink spilled for it for almost two years now, but I guess that’s why it’s my baby haha. Usually when I post a fic, a huge motivating factor for me is I want to hopefully add something new with my perspective and/or otherwise give myself everything I want in a story. With WTDF however my primary goal from the beginning has been taking a popular fandom trope and just simply trying to stretch my wings with long-form storytelling (because of course as expected, it has only gotten more complex and bigger in scope lol.) I think sometimes I undersell it by saying this story isn’t that original and doesn’t have any hot takes, but tbh as time has passed I’ve started to gain a perspective and an angle for it, and it has already helped launch a lot of really interesting conversations with other Patrochilles fans, so that in itself more than justifies its existence for me! The best part of a serial fic is having others going on the ride with you so I’ll always be extending the invitation to have more come along until of course I finally finish it in 2069 :)

Closest To My Heart (Hades, PZA, E)

There’s probably an undercurrent of melancholy running through a lot of my stories, considering the source materials I like working with, but this was probably the first time I got to make a story outright unsettling. I think I’ve often talked this one up as my favorite to write as well as my favorite as a finished piece so I’m almost not sure what else I can say about it but there’s just something about PZA that lights up my brain like a Christmas tree, it gives me so many wild ideas and makes me want to keep exploring these highly intense emotional states. And I love that this one was born out of those unhinged fandom group chat conversations where it’s just riffing on pure collective id until someone goes “fuck it, I’m writing this!” (And that someone in this case was me lol.)

See No ****, Hear No **** (Hades, Patrochilles, E)

I think I’m lucky that most of my own writing I personally like have also been crowd pleasers (or idk who knows maybe the reception is indeed a big factor in my estimation of quality because the in the end the “popular=good” drug is a hard habit to break, lol.) But this is definitely one I can point to and say the audience here is probably much more limited and I still think it rules :) I had a lot of fun with the concept of creating essentially two different stories out of the exact same scene because different sensory deprivations affected how each character experienced it. And also I wrote it as a gift, meaning there was that much extra love put into it! I may do a lot of serious academic reading & research about classical texts for Patrochilles but at the end of the day I was raised in the dark fandom, molded by it, and sometimes that means you just gotta turn your blorbos into holes no matter how many millennia of highfalutin academic tradition exists behind them uwu I will say though this fic probably has THE highest kudos to bookmark ratio of all my fics so I tend to think Squidward DOES like krabby patties but no worries, y’all keep your secrets ;)

Honorable Mention: I think I’m with @baejax-the-great who said your favorite story is always the one you’re currently working on, which for me means my upcoming modern au pza fic, Liminal Spaces (aka the pza dreamers au). But since it’s still unfinished and unpublished, I can’t properly recommend it, lol. Who knows how I’ll feel about it by the time it’s done but I’m having a lot of fun writing it so I hope y’all will enjoy it too <3

[that-salty-ghost]

One thing I noticed while rereading your fic from beginning to end... "dont be a dick" in end of chapter 19 and "what a dick" in chapter 28. And the descriptions in 28, like defined arms...FUCKIN' GOGGLES‼️‼️‼️, and salt and pepper hair just like cult leader Vik...or should I say FUCKIN' YN????? IDKKKKKK. Not to mention the pain of losing someone, GRIEVING FOR SOMEONE...and him act all detached towards little Vik....please dont make yn don't lose his viktor and vik lose his yn, idfc(you can do it, you probably will, you better...i will cry and still be reading your shit BUT if you're going to do it, please do it FULLY. I mean what I said absolutely🥹🥹let us cry our asses off together🙊🙉🙈) UHMM...HelloooOoO again! I was the last one to write to you anonymously on tumblr and I just opened an ao3 account just to comment on your fic, I haven't done it yet but anyway.. I'm so caught up in the idiocy of these two idiots that I'm just now realizing these details and... I'm like...like...omfg☠️☠️☠️☠️. the music dedicated to each chapter is just salt and pepper to my meal. This could just be the result of my obsession with this fic, but still I lost my mind over your fic, congratulations! YOU MADE IT🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

(Also forgot to mention in our previous conversation that I fuckin' LOVED Kass, so much.)

‼️A very important foil-embellished footnote below‼️

After Arcane, my eyelids dried up. jayvik shit aside, i mean literally. I expect the same performance from you(also i dont hopefully🥲), JUST GIVE ME A HAPPY ENDING PLEASE🫠 I want to see THAT ballsy effect of Yn on the timeline. I believed you had a DAY and you please believe me too. Lots lots lots of love to you and your boyfie again from me 💙💙💙👯🧎🏻🧎🏻🧎🏻

I know this is SUCH A LATE RESPONSE but I just wanted to say this ask brings me so much joy hahaha

I absolutely love what you’ve picked up on, I’ll keep dropping little tidbits and bread crumbs as we go. I won’t give too much away but I can say that the plot gets pieced into some little pockets more and more and I think it does play well with S2 except for Viktor being the mage, I can say it won’t go that direction, so there isn’t the Viktor/Jayce timelines story happening (although I might throw in some jokes about that somewhere for fun, Kass likes to break the fourth wall) Another crumb that I can share is the assistant Viktor is talking about will show up again. He has a name and a role/story, all that good stuff so he’s not just a one shot random occurrence.

I have a couple endings that I’ve been tinkering with but I still really like my original one. I’ll likely publish that first and if people absolutely hate it I’ll publish a second one and have a “choose your adventure” kind of option haha. I think if folks actually read this thing in its entirety they deserve an ending that works for them. That’s the least I can do.

Also welcome to ao3!! I know I have a couple comments still on there I need to get to so if you did leave one and I haven’t answered I’m hoping to get to the rest soon!

I’m so glad you like the mood music too! I’ll keep adding those as well, I had a reader ask for the playlists and I’m hoping to get those out in the next month or so. I’ve got one for the reader, one for Viktor, the assistant has one, Kass even has one lol (fun fact Kass was supposed to be a villain/was going to die and readers loved him so I rewrote part of the plot so he could stay 😭😂) he weaseled his way into my heart too, love that asshole lol

I’ll try to deliver! 🫡 it’s going to be a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions but if I do it right it should all build up into both a love story and a story about self-discovery and care (it’s just as much about the reader as it is Viktor)

Thank you again for all the love, me and the boyfie (he says hi!) are sending the very same your way🧡🧡

Hope the rest of your weekend goes well over there and thank you again for such an amazing ask. When I saw it come through I was kicking my feet—absolutely love what you dug into and cannot express enough how much I love how insightful and clever you and the folks reading this are with your comments and conversations. It seriously makes my day just agahdhshsh thank you :)

[duckprintspress]

Meet Aether Beyond the Binary Contributor Terra P. Waters

Another day, another AETHER BEYOND THE BINARY creator to shine the spotlight on!

Before we get to that, just a note: hi, I’m Nina Waters, the lead editor, the person running this campaign, and the one who writes all these blog posts. I’ll be traveling for the next four days (Friday, Jan 12 – Monday, Jan 15) to vend for Duck Prints Press at Arisia in Boston. As a result, I will be slower to answer messages, reply to comments, and post updates (I’m going to try to post one, but I’m not sure I’ll have time). I appreciate your patience while I’m less available. And if by some chance, you’re attending the con, make sure you come and say hi! I’ll be at table D14 in the dealer’s room.

Now, on to Terra…!

About Terra: Terra is a scientist by day who lives in the Pacific Northwest with her family. She has been writing fiction as long as she can remember, and has always told her partner of 17 years that if she wasn’t a scientist, she would be an author. During grad school, she discovered fanfiction and immediately began writing her own. After many years and several fandoms (including Teen Wolf, Hawaii Five-0, and Stranger Things), she returned to writing original fiction. To date, she has self-published two novellas in a 90s-nostalgia polyamory comedy series and has drafted two YA/NA sci-fi novels. When not doing science or writing, you can find Terra indulging her yarn addiction and knitting.

Links: Archive of Our Own | Tumblr (pterawaters) | Tumblr (terrapwaters) | Instagram | Bluesky

Terra has previously published one short stories with Duck Prints Press, a Patreon-exclusive entitled The Wayward Timekeeper, and she also wanted to share a few of her works from AO3: 

Kope Kamekona (Hawaii Five-O, Steve McGarrett/Catherine Rollins/Danny Williams)

Forever’s gonna start tonight (Stranger Things, A/B/O, multiple ships and ot3s)

Other Delicacies (Our Flag Means Death, Ed Teach/Stede Bonnet) – this is the piece that Terra used to apply to Duck Prints Press, and several of us reviewers liked it so much that we sought it out and read the whole thing even though we aren’t in the fandom!

An Interview with Terra P. Waters

What motivates you to create?

My love for the ideas!

How did you pick the name you create under?

I’ve been using the name “pterawaters” since 2009, when I joined fanfiction.net. “Ptera” came from an old gaming character I had, “Ptera the Pterrible,” and “Waters” was a last name I really liked the sound of. For my original writing, I decided to go with a more conventional version of the name. I moved the P from the front of my name to the middle initial as an homage to my fannish writing name.

What do you consider to be your strengths as a creator?

My ability to brainstorm scenarios and know how to outline the plot from there. Longer-form works, where I get to dig into the character motivations and development. World building.

What do you consider to be your weaknesses as a creator?

Short stories, creating characters who serve the story I want to tell, adding enough description around the dialog and plot.

When and why did you begin creating?

I’ve been writing since I was a kid, and even took a lot of creative writing classes during college (aside from my science major). I get a lot of joy out of thinking “what if…” and then turning that idea into a story.

Are you a pantser, a planner, or a planster? What’s your process look like?

I’m most often a planner. I like to outline the story beats of any project before I write. Sometimes, I’ll be more of a plantser. I’ll write 1-2k words of an idea before I do the rest of the outline, so I can see if it’s an idea worth planning out further.

Which of your own creations is your favorite? Why?

I wrote a story called “Entanglement” that was part of a long Stranger Things fanwork series. It’s absolutely my favorite thing I’ve ever written, and I’m excited to get to the point where I can incorporate the rewritten version into my sci-fi series.

What are your favorite tropes?

Polyamory, First times/Getting together, Forced proximity (cuddling for warmth, only one bed), Soulmate AUs, Omegaverse, Fake relationship, Friends to Lovers

What are your favorite snacks and/or drinks to consume while creating?

I like herbal tea, candy, or a crunchy snack like popcorn. I’ve recently gotten into eating roasted lentils, which is a nice substitute for not being able to eat nuts anymore.

What is your “dream project” – the thing you’d see as the culmination of your work as a creator?

I want to finish a series of at least 4 novels and have them all in print.

When you look at your “career” as a creator, what  achievement would you most like to reach – what, if it happened or has  already happened, would/did make you go “now – now I’m a success!”?

I would like to have at least one full-length novel printed and for people to actually buy it!

Tell us about your pet(s).

I have two orange cats, Gadget (the chonk) and Gizmo (anxiety in animal form).

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

Finish the thing. My writing got so much better once I forced myself to finish fan works so I could put them up for other people to read. Practicing the first part of writing a story without practicing how to write the end leaves you never finishing anything.

Terra’s Contribution to Aether Beyond the Binary

Title: Ancient Hearts Unearthed

Tags: academia, alternate history, cancer, character illness (serious), f/nb, f/f (background), fat, first kiss, friends to lovers, getting together, hospital, modern with magic, mystery, non-binary, panic attacks, past tense, phobia (claustrophobia), pining, professor, scientist, third person limited pov

Excerpt:

Victoria turned and ran a hand over the runes again. “What bothers me is that these are early Age of Aether markings. You see the way they’re using archaic forms of our letters?”

Sasha leaned closer. “I’ll be damned. This doesn’t match the bronze-era artifacts in the rest of the cave, either.” They made a tiny humming noise. “Who else would have this much knowledge of ancient runes?”

As Victoria leaned as close as she could to the wall, she asked distractedly, “What do you mean?”

“Obviously, it’s a fake,” they said, mulling over the problem in their head. “Sanderson has wanted my place on the admissions committee since he joined the department.”

“What if it’s not a fake?” Victoria made a tiny, excited noise. “What if this is early Aether Age work? What if this is a secret that’s been buried for almost a thousand years?”

Sasha’s heart swooped at the thought. “We have to find out what that inscription says.”

You've read the interview! You've read the excerpt! Now go back the campaign!

[sabrinasfadingmoon]

I recently got back to my original book and have passed 100k words (currently at 112k). I’m very happy with myself. I was stuck at 90k words for so long I honestly was feeling really down about it. I know people really only care about my fanfic, and are probably annoyed I haven’t updated things but between working and hyperfixations im so happy that I finally found the motivation to write my book.

Like this is a love letter to witches and supernatural shit that I’ve been trying to write for what almost is three fucking years. Which is— insane, I was stuck on 90k words for most of the last year. But I did it! I’m writing chapter ten now and so thrilled I’m reaching/nearing everything I’ve wanted for this project.

It’s hard though, because I can’t get anyone I trust to read it. Which makes me feel like it isn’t good and I’m partly wasting time on a project nobody would love half as much as I do. I think I’m holding it to close to my heart in fear someone will crush me/steal it all away from me.

Also yes, I am kind of ranting. But I just wanted to share about my original book since it’s been awhile since I talked about it on here. I honestly recently thought about maybe sharing the first chapter on ao3 to get some criticism/opinions but I don’t know how that would work… or if I’d be able to get a publisher years after (I wanna try and find one whenever that day comes but if not I’ll self publish so you besties better be ready in three years or whatever. Idk how long it’ll take)

Fanfic to published author pipeline I am coming for you

[mousiecat]

♥ ♡ Intro Post! ♡ ♥

post update (10/17/23)

uhh okay so eventually this will be more about coding again but I've been too busy

but I'm just gonna reblog and talk about whatever

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Hi, I’m mousiecat 🐭🐱

I'm so excited to participate in the Codeblr community!

I'd love it if you checked out my Neocities!

If you're on Neocities, you can follow me here :)

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First, my main tags:

meow squeak - me! my own posts! includes asks

Reference - coding info to refer back to

Resources - useful tools and libraries

Learning Resources - tutorials, games, projects, or webinars for learning

Web Accessibility - learn to make things more accessible!

Goodies - yummy pixels and art that creators have shared for public use on your webbies ~ (always follow creators' crediting guidelines!)

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Read more for more about me!

Coding Origins

The golden age of Neopets! It was an HTML/CSS wonderland! You could catch my kid self building Sailor Moon guilds, spicing up my shop, and customizing my pet pages.

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Coding Rebirth

A bit ago, in a fit of nostalgia, I surfed Geocities archives and longed for the days the creative web still existed. Then I realized...HTML/CSS are still around, and people are still making cute, fun, independent sites with it. You don’t have to resort to uploading content to some billionaire’s website--you can still make your own!

So, I got on the Neocities train, and I've been really excited about the endless possibilities with coding! I especially love that, if you are able to access a consistent computer and internet connection, you can do everything else for FREE! Learning, creating, publishing, all of it. Kinda kickass.

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Currently Learning:

HTML/CSS, and soon JavaScript with FreeCodeCamp

Learning a bit of Python with Udemy (mostly to connect with a local lesbian coding group)

Attending random Meetup coding events until I find my groove~

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Goals:

My primary goals are fun and creativity! I especially wanna make cute lil games and activities for silly webpages :)

More and more, I also want to find ways to use coding for liberatory organizing, especially abolition, sex worker advocacy, and reproductive justice work. So far I've made a cute page for an event, and I've got some ideas for simple educational games :) I'd love to strategize beyond this ~~~~~

Down the line it could be really cool to get a paying gig, but it's not my central motive

I just want to keep learning more so I have a better sense of all the possibilities!!! Let's get this party STARTED!

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Codeblr Goals:

You know…I’ll post when I post and I won’t when I won’t! I have ADHD, so out of love for myself I don’t give myself assignments when I don’t have to. So, I’m not trying to post every day or anything. I just want a lil outlet for it when I’m feeling it! I love learning from everyone here, and it would be amazing to make connections!

[byericacameron]

Hi! I figure you have a ton of asks so I’ll try to keep this brief but I read Island of Exiles in fifth grade (a little young? maybe. but I had free rein of the library and inhaled books faster than my parents could keep track of), and it absolutely changed my life. Not only did I love it (and find out just how much I could ship a ship, that is, as much as a fifth grader can), but the existence of a third gender in your fictional society started the wheels turning in my own mind of just how much I wanted that, and honestly, I don’t think I would have figured out I was nonbinary if not for your book. It was a long and hard journey of identity and it would have been so much harder if my sheltered self hadn’t had anything or anyone to relate to at all. Not to mention how me and my twin incorporated your magic system and world into the stories we’d dream up for hours every night. A few years later, I went looking for the other books and ultimately gave up on reading the rest of the series because the third had been out of print at the time and I didn’t think I’d be able to handle another cliffhanger ending of the second if it was like the first, but this time, unresolved forever. But recently I started thinking about it again, did some googling, and saw they were re-released— and let’s just say that my day and maybe my year is made. I’m so unbelievably excited to fall in love with this universe and these characters all over again. From the bottom of both my heart and that of my eleven year old self, thank you for sharing your writing and, by extension, your soul with us all.

Okay, first off...

And possibly all of my 2023. Many readers assume that authors receive hundreds of emails and messages, but for a lot of authors who aren't New York Times bestsellers, that's not true. Messages like this are incredibly rare, and I deeply appreciate you taking the time to send this to me.

It means more than I can say that you identified so strongly with the way I described gender and society in The Ryogan Chronicles. A huge part of why I included a standard third gender and made bisexuality a more standard norm is that I wanted people to see how easily we could shape our society to be just as equal and inclusive. For readers who had never heard of intersex, trans, bi, or ace people, this was a chance to see them portrayed in a story where they could go on adventures and live in a world where they weren't judged for who they were but for what they did. I hoped this might help some readers understand those who were different from them. It's even better if the story somehow helped you figure something out about yourself.

Writing and reading have helped me figure things out about myself before, too, so I know a little bit of what you're feeling. For me, it was a lot later in my life that these realizations came because representation like I now include in my books didn't exist in any of the stories I read growing up. Maybe if stories had been more inclusive when I was in elementary and middle school, I would have walked a very different path in my teens and twenties.

Honestly, it's the rare messages like yours that kept me working toward re-publishing the Ryogan Chronicles series even after my original publisher pulled them from print. I knew it was unlikely that the series would suddenly explode in popularity or anything like that, but it was worth the work for the few people I knew would care about being able to finally reach the end of Khya's journey.

As a bonus, because I had complete control over everything that went into the new versions, I was able to include multiple maps and other special features to make the books even more special.

The whole series is finally available again on Amazon. I hope you enjoy the final book even half as much as you enjoyed the beginning of the series, and maybe one day you'll come up with your own wonderful world that can help the next generation figure something out about themselves. Keep reading and keep writing, even if it's just for yourself and your friends/family, and thank you again for letting me know you were out there. Readers like you are exactly why I wrote this series, and you're also why I made sure I eventually got these books back out into the world.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope you have a wonderful New Years full of new stories and wonderful new experiences!

[hbyrde36]

Self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 🖤

oh! so fun, thanks anon!

In no particular order because they are all precious to me:

Steve Harrington: Vampire Hunter

Vampire Eddie Munson, Vampire Hunter Steve Harrington, P.I. Robin Buckley, bad-ass gun toting Nancy Wheeler, VAMPIRE DUSTIN!, Stripper Chrissy Cunningham, and so much more.

My ‘steddie as Anita and Jean-Claude from the Anita Blake novels’ fic. I fucking love this thing. It’s SO FUN. The book series it’s pulled from start out in the 90’s (yes I’m old and I read them when they were originally published🙈) and as much as I love the idea of Vampire Hunter Steve having a beeper, I decided to bring things up to present day (along with quite a few other changes to make it my own, and to fit the steddie vibe). It’s weird and a little challenging writing a fic intermingling two different pieces of media, but I love weaving in and combing elements of each universe's lore, while still maintaining the main beats of the story. If nothing else, read this one for the dream sequences!

2. Caught in the Undertow

Post season 4, Canon Divergent – Eddie lives and Vecna has been defeated.

AKA the sad Eddie fic, or, as i used to call it in my head, 'the passively suicidal Eddie fic'. This was my first foray into the ‘giving my own issues to my blorbos’ thing, although it still seems to be in character for them, I think. Don’t worry, I spread it out between both Eddie and Steve, so they’re both a little fucked up. I loved and hated writing every word of this fic. It was so hard sometimes and I made myself cry more than once, but it was incredibly cathartic. This is the fic I go back to and read parts of more than anything else I’ve written.

3. Times Like These

Time loop, Eddie POV

TLT was my first brain worm, my first ever fanfic, and the first thing I’d written period in a very long time. I had no idea what I was doing, but I was so intrigued by the idea and there weren’t many (any?) Eddie POV time loops on ao3 at that point so it was definitely a little bit of a “fine I’ll do it myself” moment. I was just so curious how it would play out if Eddie, the new guy who knew so little about the upside down, who got thrown into the mix and died all within a single week, were to be the one stuck in a loop. What would he think was happening to him? Would he trust the party enough to tell them? What would he do or change to try and fix things? I think I’ve improved quite a bit as a writer since I finished this, just through sheer practice, but I’m still so very proud of my first baby and think about it often.

4. Life is a Game (and True Love is a Trophy)

Canon was just a crazy homebrew D&D game, sort of.

My second brain worm, this fic lived in my head for 8 months before I had written a single word of it. It all started with the idea that, 'what if all of the events from the show had just been a D&D game played by the boys in Mike’s basement?', and then I ran with it from there. It’s a work in progress and we have still have a ways to go (I’m not sure we’re even at the halfway point yet) but I love how it’s turning out. The response from readers, in comments on ao3 and tumblr, to this one has been very kind and encouraging. It makes it SO easy to work on knowing others love it as much as I do.

5. Thank God we didn’t peak in High School

Friends-with-Benefits to Lovers, Modern Au, life after high school au, no upside down

I wrote this series at the last minute for Steddie Week. Last minute, as in I didn’t even start until several days into the event. I’ve never put out so many words so fast. This fic is loosely based on my own marriage’s origin story, although our beginnings were even more dramatic than this (I felt like I had to tone it down to make it believable). This is the first project that made me realize how fun writing from prompts could be! It’s definitely not my best writing, but the story is fun and cute, a little dramatic and angsty, and as always the boys get their happy ending!

[my-manifesting-journal-online]

Update On My Life And Manifesting Journey

-I’ve been trying to get used to one thing before I jump to the next. For example, I’ve been trying to focus on getting used to my new group of Christian friends. One upsetting thing is that my main friend in that group, who’s kind of like my “safe person” in the group, will be moving away in a month, and I still feel a little awkward around the other people, like I don’t fit in. And I don’t fit in entirely, but I figure I can figure out how to blend in. I’ve gone to some of the Bible studies, and to two church services, and I’m trying to go to more. I’m sort of just taking what I can from the lessons, as I’m still a firm believer in the original way I was taught at my more progressive Christian high school, and this church is more traditional and strict.

-I’ve cleaned out my closet and found a ton of clothes to get rid of to make room for new clothes, and I’ve been keeping up with chores more.

-I’ve been making money working and applied to another position in the school district, so hopefully I’ll get an interview

-Finished my short story draft and sent it to someone who can help me edit it

So yeah, not much has happened

Plans for the rest of May/the summer

-Fill out a volunteer application for my sorority so I can start volunteering with the collegiate members and make new friends

-Publish my short story

-Take a trip to Salem for a mini vacation

-Go to an anime convention with friends, two cons if I’m lucky

-Continue manifesting until I’m my ideal self

[tonksiefea]

How I know You|| Original Fantasy Romance

So this is Chapter 1 of a story I've been working on. It's currently 17 Chapters and counting but I'm hitting that point in my process where I want to delete everything and never touch a computer again so I figured I'd got some reasonable people to tell me I'm right! LOL I kid! Thank you to @soinspiredbyyou Who kindly encouraged me to post it Summary: Raziel "Rae" Marsh is an anxious newly published author who moved to a mountain town to escape her loving but overbearing parents. Things get a little complicated when a Fantasy Writer meets a Forest Ranger who starts making her books seem a little more realistic than Fairy Stories ever should.

Chapter 1

“No. Mom, I'm fine. I promise, I’m doing great. You and dad do not need to come get me. I'm an adult. Yes, I’m eating, no I’m not dating anyone, yes the book tour went fine and the new house is beautiful. I even found a coffee shop to work in.” Raziel, who would not share her full name under penalty of death and instead preferred Rae, loved her mother. She really did. 

Rae got a lot of things from her mother. Her red hair, her green eyes, her freckles, her talent for language, and most of all her overwhelming anxiety and worry for the slightest change to her life. 

What she did not get from her mother was the woman’s constant insistence that she find a husband, settle down, and start pumping out children like she needed to single handedly re-populate the earth. That part she could do without. 

It was part of the reason Rae had taken the money from her first successful fantasy book, touted to be the next “Chronicles of Narnia”, and moved to a secluded mountain town in Colorado where the population fluctuated between triple and quadruple digits depending on the season. She much preferred the quiet town life to anything else and she was finally able to live her dream of a quiet secluded life as a hermit writer. 

“Mom, I gotta go! I’m walking into the cafe. I’ll call you when I get home. No, mom I’m going to write. I can't spend my whole time talking on the phone. Because, mother, it’s rude.” Rae rolled her eyes as her mother launched into another tangent that would take forever. “Goodbye Mom. I love you.” She sighed and hung up instantly feeling a surge of overwhelming guilt for hanging up. 

She knew her mom meant well and she loved talking to her but right now Rae just needed some quiet. She needed to delve into the world of her imagination and ignore reality for a good three hours or so with a mug of cinnamon coffee so big people would confuse it for a bowl. 

She took a deep breath of the silence and looked down the streets seeing the one or two off-season tourists that wandered through the town for hiking. Summer was about to end but kids were going back to school and this little town was nearly abandoned. Even most of the locals either lived off the land, or worked in larger cities just down the mountain. Somehow, without her mother’s voice in her ear, anxiety started to well up in her. Something else too. 

For the past year, any time she was alone, she got this feeling but any time she tried to pin it down it ran away. She was sick of trying to chase a ghost but she couldn’t quite bring herself to give up on it either. Something in her soul said this feeling was important and that she had to solve the puzzle. She was pretty sick of the urgent feeling in her stomach and right now was not the time. Anxiety she could handle, the other thing could wait. 

Rae walked into the door of the tiny, eclectic, coffee shop and looked around. She had found it the day before, relieved to find a place that wasn’t a chain. If anyone knew how anxious she always was they would have assumed she was the type to order everything on an app and use self checkout. Except there was a certain charm, in her opinion, about having the sort of social anonymity of having a place she was considered a quirky regular. A place where the barista knew her order and the check out guy knew how to bag her eggs just the way she liked. The sort of pseudo social bond that made it so someone would notice if you went missing but you were still a little bit of an enigma. It was part of why she'd picked such a small town. She wanted that place where everyone sort of knew each other.

Rae walked up to see the same woman from yesterday behind the counter wiping  it down and humming to herself. “Hey! Welcome back! So I guess the coffee wasn’t too bad then?” The woman greeted, warmly. She had a sort of spirit about her that Rae hadn’t found at the cafe near her parent’s house in the giant suburb where nothing really felt local, even the local shops. She loved Burbank, but she was thrilled to be rid of it.

“I loved it, actually. Had to come back and try another one.” Her tone was friendly and she was proud of herself for being able to sound confident even if she didn’t feel it with ehr stomach bubbling and twisting and her heart beating a bit too fast.

“You want the Honey Nut latte again then?” The woman asked, turning to the computer.

“Actually I was looking at the Cinnamon vanilla cappuccino.” She admitted. Rae had a huge soft spot for cinnamon. She loved the sweet and spicy mix. It felt sort of fantastical, like the sort of thing a fairy should drink.

“Oh! Good choice! It’s one of my favorites. Biggest cup I can find?” the barista asked, quoting yesterday. Rae was surprised but she supposed in a small town like this new people always stuck out. Not to mention she was the crazy red head with the coffee addiction that spent half her day writing in the back corner and muttering to herself while she wobbled the table. That probably helped make her memorable.

“Please and thank you!” She said brightly as she pulled out her card to pay. The Barista was quick to process the purchase and say they’d call her name when it was ready and Rae nodded turning to the room to get to work when she was stopped short. 

She looked at her table. Her table, she had quickly decided, was perfect.It had a slight wobble to fidget with when thinking and just enough light that she could see but not too much in the sun as to need to take off her sweater and she could angle her computer just so in order to not get glare. Yes, her perfect little table was another part of the charm and allure of this place. Except right now, her table had a man sitting at it. 

There were plenty of other tables, that wasn’t the problem. The thing was Rae was a creature of habit if nothing else. She liked normal and same and comfortable. She didn’t just want any table she wanted her table. 

She was the kind of person that was one mental breakdown away from having the same outfit in 12 colors just because it was comfortable. Finding a new table once she picked one took time, it took effort. Yes, she’d only had that table once but it was her table! Now her choices were go find a new one: torture! Or talk to the man and ask if he could move: torture!

“Iced Cinnamon honey Latte for Liam!” was called next to her and the man stood up. She quickly averted her eyes to look at the menu pretending she was busy. As soon as he was engaged with the Barista she quickly slipped to the table into the same seat she had been in the day before, thankfully not the one the man had been in, and opened her computer.

“I suppose I don’t mind a little company.” A voice drawled over her. It was deep, and sounded like it was amused, and absolutely terrifying. She looked up to see warm chestnut eyes and a beard and shaggy brown hair and sun tanned skin. He was taller than her but not by much. Other than looking a bit ragged he was just a normal, average guy. So why did she get the instantaneous need to flee? Oh yeah, because she stole his table.

“Oh umm Sorry?” She asked, she tried her best to sound innocent and confused. Maybe if she could play it off well enough he’d just give up and move. It was her favorite table after all. 

Mistakes were clearly made when he sat down in the same seat he had left. “My table.” The statement was simple and plain and was accompanied with a rather self satisfied looking smirk.

“No one was here when I sat down so–” Rae started powering up her laptop and pulling out notebooks hoping it would be enough to stake her claim and scare him off. That was until the man pointed to a black bag resting on the seat next to his. “Oh. I must have missed that. Sorry I can–” She started to get up with tense shoulders and probably too perfect posture.

“There’s plenty of space. I mean the table is meant for like seven people.” It was an exaggeration, but not by much. The big, round table had been useful because she had been able to spread out her notebooks and books and still had about half a table left for cups and plates. “Besides, looks like I won’t be here half as long as you will.” He mused.

He gave a slow look over her bag of books and papers and pens and highlighters, it always looked near to bursting at the seams. His look had her blushing from embarrassment. Then his eyes slowly moving over her face like he was drinking in her appearance. His look had her flicking her eyes shyly down to her keyboard and suddenly feeling very warm in her comfy knit sweater. 

“Thank you. It’s just that this is the perfect table. It’s the right distance from the window to get light but not be too warm or reflect on my screen and it’s got a little wobble that I can play with when I’m thinking.” She explained in a rush. Why was she telling him this? Why did she want to tell this guy everything she’d ever thought? 

She fought the urge to look back up to the chocolate eyes of the man in front of her. She did not do relationships. She had knocked aside every single person who had even looked her way for as long as she could remember. This guy wasn’t even her type! Sure he was handsome in his own way, and he had a great voice but she wanted something else. She just wasn’t really sure what that was.

“Good to know I have good taste.” He said with a tone that had her looking up in panic. It sounded so weighty. Was he complimenting her? That was very daring. “In tables.” He clarified like he could read her mind.

“Right.” She said, nodding and trying to remind herself to breathe. There was no way she was letting this guy get to her. She was just a nervous person. So why was this guy so disarming? Why was he terrifying in a totally different way from every other human she’d ever met? Why did she want to know more about him? “You do. So umm… do you–”

“Cinnamon Vanilla Cappuccino for Rae!” The barista called. Rae nearly tipped her chair over when she shot up like a bottle rocket.

“That’s me!” She called. The Barista, thankfully, just smiled warmly and motioned to her with the coffee. Right she had to go over and get it. “Be right back. Can you watch my stuff?” She asked the mystery man as she, much more carefully, picked her way around her bag and towards the counter. 

She felt so stupid. Genuinely, she felt like an idiot. She had just made a total fool of herself and her anxiety was flaring like crazy. Her heart was pounding a thousand miles a second and her palms were sweating and her stomach was even a little nauseous. She took the coffee and the Barista smiled kindly.

“He’s the last new guy, moved in about a year ago. Nice guy but I’ve never seen him talk to the same person that long.” The barista commented. What was that supposed to mean? Was she special?

“Oh. Yeah well I tried to steal his table so...” Rae trailed off awkwardly. Maybe she should just go home and never leave her house again. She took a sip of her coffee and comfort washed over her body. “Wow.” She breathed for the first time in what seemed like forever. “This is great!” she complimented savoring the sweet and spicy flavor that made her feel magical.

“Told you! It’s my favorite. Enjoy.” The Barista turned in a way that clearly dismissed her.

Ok, so she couldn’t leave until she finished her coffee now. She looked around the empty cafe, empty except for her table that had the guy at it. She tried to pick another place to work but every single one just had too many glaring issues. That one really was her perfect table. So she just had to deal with the guy. Besides, something in her told her that if she moved the guy would just follow. A traitorous part of her loved the idea too.

She moved back to her seat and nodded a greeting to the guy sitting there. “Thanks.” She said putting her coffee down and moving to sit. 

“That’ll be 20 dollars.” the guy said with an impish smile that made her stomach flip uncomfortably and had her flopping into the seat she had just been trying to sit gracefully in.

She was a scared wreck 99% of the time but the other 1% of her personality was all redhead. Instantly her face flared red and rage boiled in her blood. “Excuse me?!” She asked, her chin cocked down and teeth clenched almost as tight as her fists.

Instantly his hands raised in surrender but his face was entirely covered in a smug smile. “Joking.” He assured with a wave of his hands to draw attention to his surrender. “Good to know you’re a fighter though.” He commented, taking a self satisfied sip of his own drink.

A fighter? She was not a fighter! She was a runner and a hider or a freezer at best. His words soothed her somehow though. It was like he was seeing someone completely different than who she was but for some reason she really wanted to be that person. “I just couldn’t believe you thought your services were worth 20 bucks.” She countered. “Maybe Five…cents” Was she teasing him? She was pretty sure she was teasing him. Where had she learned to tease random men in coffee shops?

“Ouch.” He said covering his heart like he’d been wounded but his smile was impossible to miss. It lit his face with an impossibly enchanting glow. She couldn’t take her eyes off the way his eyes crinkled in the corners or the way his laugh lines framed his lips. She ripped her eyes forcefully to her coffee and took a long drink of the soothing cinnamon. She hoped the drink would bring some much needed reality to her boggled mind. “I’d be happy to show you just what my services are worth.” He offered and she caught sight of him wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

A laugh caught Rae by the throat and she nearly choked on her coffee as she snorted. Coffee assaulted the back of her throat and splashed all over her computer screen from her coughing. Oh God she looked like an idiot. “Sorry.” She choked out as she put down her cup and desperately tried to get her breathing and hacking under control.

She looked up to see an empty seat where he had been. He was gone. She tried to insist to herself that she wasn’t sad or upset or anything even remotely like it. She was glad that she had her table to herself. The problem was that inexplicable feeling was instantly back. It was like an itch inside of her ear so deep there was no way to scratch it. She hadn’t realized but for those brief moments talking to this strange man, it had been gone. Now that he was missing it was back. She didn’t know what to make of that. It was like her skin was crawling, looking for something. Her eyes darted around the shop, without her permission, to see where he went.

“Don’t go dying on me, now.” His voice pulled her instantly to look next to her. “I know I’m funny but even I’m not that funny.” He joked offering her a napkin. She tried not to feel relieved seeing his face there smiling like he was hilarious. She reached up taking the napkin and wiped her face as he sauntered back to his seat and dropped himself haphazardly into it. 

“It just took me by surprise.” She insisted, not sure what to do with herself. Why was she so relaxed with this guy around? Why had it felt so cold when she had thought he left? 

All this was a lot to think about and she was supposed to be writing. She winced as soon as she looked at her screen and saw it covered in drips of coffee. That was going to be gross to write through all day. She wiped the screen but it just wiped streaks of cream and sugar across the surface.

“Everything ok there, kid?” His voice called for her attention again. Somehow the nickname, which should have been demeaning, didn’t set her anger ablaze again. It seemed so casual, almost natural. Not that the man in front of her could possibly be too much older than she was. She was in her mid thirties and would probably pin him at around forty, maybe younger.

She sighed in frustration at the streaks on her screen needing to be careful of the LCD screen but there was no amount of wiping that would fix this mess. “Fine it just– my screen is a mess now. So it looks like I won’t get any writing done. My publisher will love that.” She sighed, closing her screen probably a touch harder than she should have.

“Publisher?” He asked with a tilted head. He didn’t really look surprised, which surprised her. She could say he looked vaguely curious, but even that was too strong a word for the expression he was portraying.

“Yeah I um,I guess you could say I’m a writer. Or at least I wrote a book and it got published so, write.” She said instantly, self conscious. This was the part that always felt awkward and wrong. Plus it got two reactions, half the people were so excited they instantly wanted to be her best friend and get a free copy, the other half were patronizing and passed the words off as her  bragging. “Now I’m supposed to write the follow up.” She explained awkwardly. “It’s supposed to be a series.” She was babbling again. “About fairies.” She finished. 

God why couldn’t she have written about something so much cooler? Why wasn’t she writing about dragons or werewolves or even bigfoot! Why was it fairies? He would think she was twelve. Why the hell did she care what he thought?

“Fairies are cool.” His voice was so casual she couldn’t stop herself from looking up with what she was sure was a stupid, hopeful face. 

“Yeah. I mean, I’m not talking like two inches tall with butterfly wings or anything. They’re more like elemental forces. They’re mostly warriors and guardians. It’s not as dumb as it sounds, I swear.” She tried desperately to defend her book and let out an awkward laugh. She was trying not to give into the overwhelming shame and embarrassment she currently felt. 

She never talked about her novels to anyone that wasn’t her mother or her publisher. Even her dad hadn’t actually heard much about her book. She’d given him a copy of the first round of printing but it was still sitting untouched next to his armchair in California. This stranger actually looked interested though. Not even complimentary, not amused and mocking. He was just passively curious.

“What’s it called? I’d love to read it.” He said, taking a slow sip of his iced drink. Why was he drinking an iced coffee? It may not be fall yet but the colder weather had already stolen into the mountains enough that she needed a sweater.

“I have a spare copy at home. Maybe I could bring it to you tomorrow?” She offered.

“I can’t be here tomorrow.” Why was she disappointed by that? She nodded, refusing to let her face fall but either she wasn’t as good at hiding her emotions as she wanted to be, or he was more perceptive than average. “I work on call in the ranger outpost up in the national park. I’m on three days off two. But I’ll be here Friday? Maybe I can pick it up then?” he offered. “Buy you lunch to pay you back for it?” He looked hopeful. That was a surprise. The look in his eyes made it seem like he was holding his breath as much as she was.

“Sounds good. I’ll be here.” She agreed with a shy smile. Had she just agreed to a date? Three days from now she had agreed to a date! Maybe it wasn’t a date. Maybe he was just being nice.

“It’s a date.” He commented with a smirk. Ok so definitely a date.

“Yeah!” She shouldn’t be this excited. She was never this excited. She hated dating. Ever since she got dumped at her ninth grade ball for the class siren by the local captain of the jousting team. ‘Real life terms Raziel!’ she chastised herself. She wrote too much. It was the ninth grade semi-formal and the head cheerleader and the captain of the football team, whom she’d had no business dating anyway.

Her mom always warned her about getting too stuck in her stories. They were always telling her if she wasn’t careful she’d never come out. 

“You want me to see what I can do with that screen?” The man’s voice shocked her out of her self-reflection.

“Huh?” Rae shook her head blinking away the voices fighting behind her eyes and flashes of wings and gossamer. 

The man nodded his head to her closed computer. “Your computer screen. I might be able to clean it off.” He offered. “Can’t let you get behind because of my attempted murder.” He joked.

She laughed even though it wasn’t a good joke and nodded. “Sure.” she said, opening the lid. “All yours.” He took a napkin and pulled a bottle of water out of his satchel pouring a bit onto the end and ran it lightly over the screen. 

Rae watched in awe as the streaks cleared up and dried like he’d used one of her screen clothes instead of a napkin and water. “My hero!” She said with a smile looking over to see his brown eyes right next to her. He was close enough to her she could smell woods and smoke and see little lines decorating his face and disappearing into the thick hair of his beard. It was an alluring image to be sure. Almost made her forget to breathe.

“Liam.” His voice was deep and so sexy and horribly distracting. Clearly she was quiet long enough that he felt the need to clarify. “That's my name. Liam.” That woke her up.

“Right! Sorry! Rae.” She introduced in a rush. 

“Short for…?” He prompted. 

“Something horrible.” She informed flatly.

“It can't be that bad.” He insisted with a smile.

“It really is.”

“What Rachel? Rainbow? Ray of sunshine? Raymond?”

“Raziel.” She burst out if only to stop his insane guesses. She stopped short, her eyes going huge when she realized she had just said her most hated name to a total stranger.

“Hm interesting.” Was all he said. “See ya Friday, Raziel.” He said her name quietly with an impish smile. It was like he was keeping her name a little secret between them. Somehow it didn't sound quite so horrid coming from him which really was a magical thing for him to manage.

“See you Friday, Liam.” She couldn't fight the smile. Her phone started to buzz and she looked down seeing her mom's contact and huffed. Her mother could not know about this. That was not happening. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to stop thinking about it but just the image of her mother learning about the coffee shop forest ranger felt like a threat. A threat she didn’t have time to unpack right now. Those chocolate eyes and the feelings behind them would be unfolded at a later date. For now she had other beasts to battle.

“Hi mom!”

[lotusthewriter]

Papercut

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Steven & Lars; MINOR - Steven & The Cool Kids, Steven & Sadie, Lars/Sadie

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga, The Cool Kids, Sadie Miller; MENTIONED - The Crystal Gems, Connie Maheswaran

Summary: Steven has been feeling anxious and he realizes it gets worse when he's alone. So, he tries not to be.

Word count: 3.965

AO3

A/N: Originally published online last week, I just didn't get to post here. This is mainly me venting my anxiety attacks as of late.

I also personally see Steven having BPD, just throwing this here if anyone finds it relevant.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - anxiety and/or panic attacks, hallucination, emotional neglect, abandonment issues, self-hatred, and brief mention of suicidal thoughts.

DO NOT SHIP LARS AND STEVEN.

P/roship DNI.

--

“Anxiety”.

A word Connie has mentioned. It’s a medical term that she taught Steven after what happened to them as Stevonnie. Connie, with her mother’s knowledge, took Garnet’s advice to heart and she gets to manage her anxiety whenever it hits.

Two years later, Steven still hasn’t been able to feel better.

Flexibility, love, and trust.

Flexibility, love, and trust.

Flexibility,

Love,

And

TRUST.

Steven glows pink instead.

Thus, he goes to Garnet to ask for more tips, to know if she could try to help… but the gem tells Steven that he’s the only one who knows the answers. That he should seek them himself. Pearl and Amethyst, who wait for Garnet to head out to Little Homeschool for yet another fieldtrip, agreed indifferently.

Steven can’t even say anything before the three of them are gone in the light of the warp pad, so bright that he feels like it’s going to attack him.

Then, everything is empty.

He only stares at the void like he’s fourteen again.

Just that worsens the ache in his chest, his pink fists clutching his shirt.

Steven rushes back to his safe place, his room, before things get ugly and he goes ballistic, and he grabs his phone to do some research on anxiety. He finds quite a lot of resources.

Since then, he’s trying.

With the gems away to who knows where, and his father also out of town, Steven tries to get by on his own.

(As usual.)

…

But nothing works.

Steven does everything correctly. List five things you can sense. Distract yourself with things you like – watch a movie or a series or funny videos, read a book, listen to music or even podcasts. Breathe. Hug your pillow. Hang out with your friends–

Oh.

He… hasn’t done that in a while.

Steven can’t, though. Everyone is busy and it’s not like they should stop what they’re doing to be with him, right? Right.

Distract yourself.

Distract yourself.

Distract yourself…

Suddenly, a notification.

New texts… from Lars? How long has it been since they last talked? Maybe he needs help with something?

Anyway.

Lars: hey steven, it’s been a while right?

Lars: idk if your busy, but sadie and the cool kids are back in town and we thought of making a lil party

Lars: i know it’s kinda in the last hour so it’s ok if you can’t make it or if you don’t wanna go, but it’d be rlly cool if you came

Lars: but it’s your call of course

Steven looks at the above, wondering if this was predestined. It feels too perfect.

He hasn’t seen his friends in forever.

He types quickly:

Steven: omg I’d love to!!

Steven: I miss you guys sooo much

(Why does it feel like a lie, somehow?)

Lars: aw, we miss ya too buddy

Lars: i miss you coming to the BD to bug me every morning (followed by a pleading emoji)

Steven: Gee, Captain Lars, didn’t know you loved me that much (eyes emoji)

Lars: i was joking.

Steven: Were you really? :3

Lars: ok now your making me regret inviting you

Steven: Noooooo, come on!!

Lars: lmao

Lars: srsly now. 8 at my place, ok?

Steven: Perfect! I’ll see you there! ^^

Lars: (finger gun emojis)

Steven sighs, feeling so… light all of a sudden. Just this one interaction with Lars seems to have calmed him down a little.

The half-gem feels relieved. So relieved.

He can actually get out there and have fun with his friends, catch up with their lives, laugh together, share something tasty to eat…

(And he gets to distract himself from his rising dread.)

(To finally not be reminded how painfully alone he is.)

Well, it’s still 2 PM. From what Dad told him, Sadie and the Cool Kids are going to arrive at 6 PM… so Steven still needs to do something else to keep his mind busy. Maybe cook or bake something for the party. He doesn’t remember Lars mentioning a potluck, but Steven wants to do something nice for his friends nonetheless.

What is he going to cook or bake, then?

…

Or maybe…

--

“... don’t tell me I inspired you with my nostalgia.”

“You could say that,” Steven smirks at Lars’ statement, while holding two huge boxes of donuts with all the flavors he could remember his friends enjoying. As well as…

“You brought salad, too?” Sadie notices, almost wanting to laugh.

“Yeah, like Buck ordered once.”

“Heh, I appreciate your dedication, Steven.” Buck pats his back proudly.

“We miss our favorite roadie,” Sour Cream says, ruffling the younger boy’s curly hair.

Steven’s heart, instead of anguish, is filled with warmth.

“Awe, you guys are going to make me cry,” he jokes.

“Us too! This was so sweet of you, Steven,” Jenny compliments. “I’m glad you could make it!”

“I know every friend says this and it doesn’t always happen… but we should really hang out more,” Buck says, in his same stoic expression. “I love you guys.”

“Yeah, same,” Steven grins affectionately.

It’s a much more casual party this time, which is the best kind of party after such busy times. Lars’ backyard is lit by those small, spherical yellow lights, and everyone sits by the huge picnic table that replaces Lars’ trampoline. Besides the donuts, you can see Lars’ pastries, and apparently snacks that Sadie and the Cool Kids brought from their last tour.

They sing and play some songs together, they laugh at the stories from concerts, outer space, and Little Homeworld… Steven gets to hear more about their lives and how happy they are.

But most importantly, they’re very happy to share it with him.

Which is such an honor.

Steven is genuinely having a good time.

Perhaps the first time in so long…

He’s so happy to be a part of this.

…

The boy’s phone vibrates in his pocket.

He casually checks it, not bothered by it interrupting his immersion in the party. He’s not expecting much, when…

He sees that it’s the gems.

Steven and his family have countless groups for Little Homeschool, and then they have their own private group, just the four of them.

Pearl has sent him a rather quick and dry text informing him of their absence for the next…

Two months.

…

Two months.

Two.

Months.

And no, Steven can’t do anything to stop it.

Because he tries to text them. He sends a million desperate texts.

And his pleads are never answered. And they will never be, because the messages aren’t even sent .

He goes to all their private numbers, and nothing.

Steven calls them, to no avail. There’s not even the option for voicemail.

Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot are on their own separate fieldtrips as well, so it’s useless to try to call them.

No one is reachable.

No one.

No one.

“... Steven. Steven?”

The half-gem only gets a little startled at Lars standing next to him, and bearing the most concerned expression Steven has seen him with. He also realizes everyone else has stopped talking.

“O-Oh, sorry,” he laughs nervously, quickly putting away his phone. “It was nothing.”

“Is everything okay?” Jenny asks.

“You looked like someone died,” Sour Cream observes, also worried.

“No, no, nobody died.” Well, except Lars , Steven would’ve darkly added. “It’s– It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” Sadie questions.

“Yeah.” Steven’s dread returns to his chest, his hands beginning to shake. He hides them in his pockets, which doesn’t help since he feels his cell phone and it’s the thing that ruined everything. He’s doing everything not to turn pink. “I’m sure,” he mumbles.

Everyone looks at one another, unsure. Steven wants to scream.

“Hey,” Lars whispers, putting a hand on Steven’s back. “Do you want to go inside a bit?”

The latter hates that he likes the soothing touch, yet he’s also afraid the former is going to notice Steven is shaking, so he dodges it much to his own dismay.

“It’s okay, Lars,” Steven mumbles, wanting to cry.

He avoids everyone’s eyes, his hand almost crushing his phone into pieces inside his pocket. He’d love to throw this darned thing into the depths of the ocean.

“Sorry, I ruined the moment, didn’t I?” Steven laughs darkly.

“No, Steven, it’s okay,” Sadie reassures him. “You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to, okay?”

“Yeah, man, no worries,” Sour Cream agrees.

Despite that, the party does grow a little quieter. It feels like the emptiness of his house.

Of course. He screwed everything up. Again.

Now they don’t want anything to do with him.

(Like the gems. Like everyone else.)

Steven at least gets to resume his laugh and his smiles, because he’s always been so good at them.

Time goes by…

And they start leaving.

Because obviously, nothing lasts forever.

Jenny is the first one who leaves, and she gives Steven the biggest hug. It doesn’t smell like pizza anymore, instead it’s a sweet scent. It’s different but nice. But too quick.

Sour Cream and Buck leave together. The former sidehugs Steven, while the latter gently tells him to take care of himself, and to always count on them whenever he needs. Steven smiles and nods, without any honesty.

Lastly, Sadie, Lars, and Steven… the original trio. It’s been so long, Sadie and Lars are a lot more comfortable around each other nowadays, holding hands under the table. Steven would’ve fanboyed at another time when he sees Sadie casually kissing Lars’ cheek, causing her boyfriend to go pinkier than what should be possible.

Sadie’s hug, though, is longer than everyone else’s goodbyes.

“It was nice seeing you, Steven,” she grins with some melancholy. “Don’t forget we love you, okay?”

Steven doesn’t believe her, but he plasters a smile on his face just to please her.

“Okay,” he replies simply.

Sadie is convinced, and walks away.

Finally, it’s just him.

The only one left.

Lars is quiet.

Steven knows what he’s going to say.

And before Lars does, the sixteen-year-old puts his distraction in action.

“Oh, do you need help cleaning?” He asks.

“Uh, there’s… not a lot to do.”

“Yeah, but like, I could help with the trash.”

“Steven, it’s fine.”

“No, really, I–”

“Why don’t you go home and rest?” Lars isn’t even being rude, he’s genuinely suggesting it because he can tell Steven isn’t fine.

But going home is not going to help.

It’s the last thing Steven needs.

“Don’t worry, Lars, I can do this!” Steven grins widely and already moves to the table to take the remains of food and plastic, as well as the donut boxes.

He can hear Lars sighing in the back.

(Steven hates himself. Obviously Lars doesn’t want him here.)

(But Steven can’t go back.)

(He can’t go back.)

Indeed, there’s not a lot of work to do. Lars washes whatever dishes he needed for the baking part, while Steven takes care of the trash. There are huge trash bins in the yard, so he easily finishes the job.

… it’s over.

He does more.

Steven seeks out any trash he can find to fill the larger bin, both in the kitchen and the restroom.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Lars asks from afar.

“I’m helping!”

“But you’re done taking out the stuff from the party, aren’t you? Why are you taking out the trash from my house?”

“Because I want to help!”

Before Steven can go back outside, Lars stops him with a frowning face.

“Steven, you’re not okay,” the latter states seriously. “You need to go home.”

“No, I don’t.”

“I think you do. I don’t know what happened that you saw earlier, but you need to rest.”

“I don’t need rest.”

“Oh, you don’t?” Lars sounds sarcastic. “Like you’re not obsessively looking for stuff to do?”

“I’m not doing that!” Steven defends.

“Yeah, and I bet you’re not going to clean all the restrooms next. Or the windows. Or my entire bedroom–”

“Oh, haha , you are SO hilarious,” Steven rolls his eyes and tries to go outside again, only for Lars to step forward to make him go back. “Lars, let me go,” Steven warns.

“Will you at least tell me what’s going on?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Alright, then go home.”

“No.”

“Don’t make me throw you inside my head myself.”

Steven boils. “Just let me do this for you, Lars!”

“I’m telling you you don’t have to!” Lars raises his voice.

“But I want to!”

“And I want you to be okay!”

“But I AM OKAY!”

“You wouldn’t be YELLING at me if you were!”

Steven growls in frustration, “Just let me go outside!”

“NO!”

He has had it.

The half-gem pushes Lars aside harshly, to the point of knocking the latter over, and Steven is too distraught to apologize for it. He rushes outside in the peaceful night.

“STEVEN!” Lars yells from inside the kitchen.

He just needs to do this.

He needs to distract himself, distract, distract, distract–

Steven opens the bin–

Noise.

Light.

Too much.

A swarm of white butterflies comes out of the trash bin, flying so loudly and so close that Steven falls backwards.

No.

Not them.

Not them again.

No. No. NO. NO. NO.

He thought he had it under control. He thought he would be okay. He thought…

Steven hides.

That’s all he can do.

He’s alone, alone, alone, alone.

(And he deserves it.)

…

“... can you hear me? Steven! Steven !”

He’s panting furiously, violently.

“Make it go away!” Steven cries.

“Make what go away?”

“EVERYTHING!”

He half regrets yelling, but Steven knows the butterflies are there, and no one else does.

“Steven…”

“Too much,” Steven speaks in between gasps, “too much, it’s too much, I-I can’t take this anymore!”

At this point, he’s aware that he’s pink and he can’t repress it any longer. It’s consuming his every thought, every part of his body.

“I can’t… I can’t…” Steven heaves.

Whoever is there must have left, right?

Steven is helpless. Hopeless.

…

“Steven, can I touch you?”

Oh… they’re still there.

“Is that okay?” They ask.

Steven doesn’t want to look back. He doesn’t want to see it all.

But…

“... y-yeah,” he hiccups, “okay.”

“Okay. I’m just- gonna help you sit, alright? Are you hurt?”

Steven shakes his head, unsure if it was meant to answer the question.

Either way, he feels hands on him, at first trying to remind Steven that they’re real. The hands are gentle. Scarred, rough, but gentle and slow. Their long fingers are a history of cooking cuts. Steven doesn’t know how he can tell all these details, but he does.

“Easy…” the sixteen-year-old is gradually being moved to sit.

But he knows that he’ll be closer to the butterflies.

“WAIT!” Steven yells in panic.

“What?” The other person stops immediately, but still gets a hold on him.

“I-I don’t want… I don’t…” Steven can’t even say the right words, so they come out as, “I don’t wanna die…”

Well, they’re still kind of true.

“Hey, you’re not going to die.”

“I don’t want to…”

“You’re not. I’m here,” Lars – Lars Barriga, perhaps the best person to deal with someone in this situation – promises. “I’m here, Steven.”

You’ve got nothing to fear

I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.

…

Whimpering.

“I don’t wanna go home.”

He gets silence.

“I d-don’t wanna go h-home,” Steven cries like a little kid after a nightmare. “I-It’s so… empty… so…”

“Lonely?”

Steven nods painfully.

“You��re not going to be alone, okay? I won’t let that happen.”

Lars sounds so sure, and the way he’s rubbing Steven’s shoulders… it brings the latter shivers. The good kind of shivers.

And tears. So many of them. All the tears that he has swallowed and never released them.

Steven clings to his friend, who squeezes him in return, the hug as rough and tender as his mere touch.

“I’ve got you, buddy,” Lars reassures him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

It only makes Steven sob harder, purely out of relief. It’s so ironic, but so true.

He cries for a good couple of minutes or hours, smelling vanilla and butter in Lars’ clothes, not minding the dirty apron the baker is wearing at all. Steven wants to absorb that smell and make it his home, because it feels so safe that he doesn’t want it to go away. He doesn’t want the hands to let him go ever again.

And it feels like Lars wants to protect him from the world, from whatever horrible thing that made Steven like this. Even if he can’t see the butterflies, Lars still seems to shield Steven from them.

Just that has the half-gem finally face reality, finding the butterflies roaming there, endlessly coming out of the trash bin. As Steven expected.

However, with Lars holding him right now, Steven doesn’t feel so overwhelmed anymore.

So… this is what he needed.

He gets now.

Thus, the butterflies finally end and they fly to the sky above, replacing the stars. They will never disappear, as he already knew.

Steven relaxes significantly, like he’s going to pass out in the hug. He lets out a shaky breath while Lars hugs him tightly in response, knowing that it’s the perfect kind of tightness for Steven.

Lars also breathes in and out deeply, squeezing the boy some more.

“Come on,” he whispers, “let’s go inside.”

This time, Steven accepts it, glowing pink and everything.

--

“... I’m sorry,” he sniffs. “I’m sorry I snapped at you like that.”

Lars sighs, but in regret. “I’m sorry, too. For being a jerk to you.”

Neither of them give excuses.

Steven contemplates the night sky from the skyscrapers, aware he can see the butterflies from there. In the meantime, Lars holds him as Steven has no energy left to cling.

“I hate feeling like this,” the younger teen vents, “it just keeps getting worse with time.”

“So you’ve had this before?”

Steven nods. “I-I’ve tried everything to make it better. Garnet taught me and Connie how to deal with our problems, and it worked for Connie… but not for me. And I asked Garnet for help, but instead she just gave me a life lesson and Pearl and Amethyst didn’t even care, and they LEFT ME without ANYTHING!” Steven snaps, only for him to cover his mouth and freeze, scared he might have startled Lars.

Lars, however, doesn’t look scared of him at all.

Instead, sad. Maybe angry, but not at Steven.

“So yeah, I’m expected to do everything on my own, I’m used to it!” Steven continues, more furious. “I looked it up online, since Connie told me about ‘anxiety’, and I did everything they taught me to manage it, but nothing soothes my chest, nothing calms me down… I think I only felt good when you invited me, and I got to see you guys again. I haven’t felt this happy in so long, a-and then OBVIOUSLY, something always has to RUIN it for me.”

He tears up again, his eyes burning pink and red.

“I-I… I got a text from the gems that they’re going to be gone for two months , a-and I couldn’t reach them. Because they’d already left. EVERYONE left. T-They all left me .”

Lars doesn’t say anything, choosing to hug Steven closer, nuzzling his black curls, doing everything to make sure Steven feels loved and cared for.

“Why does everyone leave me?” The half-gem asks.

Except Steven knows why.

He’s selfish. Useless. Clingy.

He doesn’t say any of these things, yet Lars pulls away just slightly with a stern look.

“Steven,” the older teen begins seriously, “listen to me, you don’t deserve to be abandoned, okay? No kid in the world deserves to be abandoned or neglected; they deserve to be reminded every single day that they’re loved in all the ways possible. You didn’t fail anyone by existing. I know everyone out there”– Lars gestures at the above –“made you believe that, but they’re WRONG.”

There’s some kind of ferocity in Lars’ words, the same one Steven heard back when the boys were abducted to Homeworld – firstly when Lars refused to leave the ship without Steven, and then when he convinced Steven to return home instead of sticking with Lars and the Off Colors.

A sense of protection, perhaps.

Steven feels warm inside, which he feels ashamed of for some reason, and at the same time it hurts. Which makes no sense, because it’s the good kind of hurt. What kind of hurt is good?

Still, the glowing boy’s eyes are only filled with more water.

Noticing that, Lars gently wipes some of it for him.

“You don’t have to be useful, Steve,” he says tenderly. “You don’t have to be self-sufficient, you don’t have to be strong all the time. You deserve to have someone, and you deserve to have someone when you feel the whole weight of the galaxy crushing you.”

Steven sniffs, contemplative.

Lars’ words are believable. Steven has always trusted him, and has always thought the world of him. Steven loved Lars from the beginning, embracing every little part of him, the weight that he also carried.

Still… one question keeps haunting Steven every single day, every single night.

“... do you think they would treat my mom like this if I weren’t here?”

Lars immediately tenses, immobile like a doll. Not a corpse, but a doll.

Steven, admittedly, asked that to himself. He knows Lars won’t have the answers. He can’t speak for the gems. It feels cruel to Lars, who’s just trying his best to help a friend in need.

The silence this time is not comforting. Steven fears he ruined everything again.

“Steven?” Lars suddenly sounds… fragile.

When the younger boy looks up, he sees a teary Lars already staring back.

“I love you,” the latter tells him.

The broken way he says it…

“Whenever you feel unloved, whenever you feel alone or whenever the gems fuck off to wherever they go without a trace,”– Steven’s eyes widen at the word choice –“I want you to remember that I love you, and that you’re always welcome here. There’s always food and life here, no emptiness at all. And you can always go see me at Spacetries and we can have a coffee and chat like the old days, or if we can’t see each other in person for any reason, you can call me. I can always teleport, too. I can do literally anything to help you, Steven, and I want to help you, because I love you , okay?”

Lars is cupping his cheeks like they’re precious, wiping Steven’s tears and crying his own. Like Lars is the one crying for him now, feeling his pain for him.

“I’m here for you. I’ll always be here, no matter how, no matter what,” he insists.

Steven is too speechless to react.

He realizes, though…

He stops glowing pink.

And he forgets everything else, with how genuine Lars’ love is.

Steven merely lies down against his friend, who covers him properly with his blanket. Lars caresses the boy’s black hair, in the same way that Steven has always craved for, even if it reminded him of bad memories.

It’s perfect just the way it is. Perfect in every way, just like you.

He doesn’t want Lars to ever stop.

He doesn’t want this to ever be gone.

But Lars won’t leave him. He will make sure Steven never feels anxious or useless on his own again.

And Steven…

“... I love you, too,” he whispers.

Lars tightens his arms around him, this time sniffing. If he cries on Steven’s head, neither of them talk about it.

It stays between them.

[tryslora]

Social Media platform usage, etc…

I’ve spent a bit of time thinking through how I use different social media platforms, especially as a creator. I’m trying to better grow my presence as a writer, and do more to put myself out there. It’s… overwhelming. I can recognize that and I can own that I haven’t done much.

To that end, I’ve made some decisions about how I’ll be using my different social media platforms, and what’s available where.

Information on supporting me, as well as blogs, newsletters, and Mastodon and Twitter behind the read more!

Paid Content

I am set up on Patreon for monthly support, and Ko-Fi for both monthly support and random one-time donations. Monthly supporters on both platforms will get unscheduled posts of snippets, behind-the-scenes sneak peeks as well as thoughts as I develop projects. This’ll be across all my original work, including the PHU ’verse, the new Seven Lakes ’verse, and short stories in development for tradpub, self-pub, or small press.

Monthly supporters on Patreon will also get previews of new chapters when Welcome to PHU starts posting again. Those previews are usually posted one posting cycle ahead of the chapter going live on Tumblr and Pillowfort.

Tumblr, Pillowfort, and Dreamwidth

The Welcome to PHU serial is currently available on both Pillowfort and Tumblr; I do not have plans to mirror it on Dreamwidth as well. There are seven full novels serialized, and 20ish stories. I do plan on continuing to post to those blogs; Nate, Dax, and Cass need to get moving on their roadtrip (PHU book #8: Run Together).

On my personal blogs on Tumblr, Pillowfort, and Dreamwidth, I will post random rambling blog posts on anything from how writing relates to knitting, trope inspections, my thoughts on craft (which are not lessons, just me deconstructing my own thoughts), to fandom flailing. I’ll mirror these posts on my professional site at TrisLawrence.com too, because at the heart of it, I’m a fan as well as a writer as well as someone who loves to knit, or listen to music, or… whatever. These posts are all free, and just for fun. Maybe instructional, if I’m lucky.

Mostly they are fun and no stress for me. I hope.

Newsletters

I’ve been doing a monthly newsletter on Patreon for subscribers. That will be mirrored on Ko-Fi, and on both sites it will be subscriber-only at first, then go public after a few days. I also plan on setting up a mailing list and mirroring on my professional site after the posts have been made public. So subscribing/following on any of those platforms should let you see that information.

Newsletters are a roundup of what I’ve been up to for the month, in terms of personal life, publishing life, writing life. What’s coming out, what’s been sold, where can you find my words… and if I’m not writing, why. You might even get cat pictures.

Mastodon and Twitter

I’m on Mastodon more than Twitter these days; it’s a lot lower stress for me. And those are just microbursts about writing, fandom, anime, knitting, whatever happens to percolate up in my mind. I’m interactive and chatty. I’m just me. Please, feel free to connect up. I’ll try to remember to announce blog and newsletter posts there as well.

Discord

Yes, I’ve created a Tris/PHU Discord as a thing that can be linked to Patreon/Ko-Fi and as something that folks can join without being patrons. Mostly just as a chatter space, and a way to flail about writing. Or sprint with me, if you want to. Because I focus well while sprinting. It will eventually get launched, and I will announce it then.

I think that covers everything. WOW social media is so spread out these days. If there’s a platform I haven’t mentioned, please feel free to ask about it. If you have questions, give a yell. I’m happy to try to answer.

[so-caffeinated]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that I’m so happy you’re writing new FiCon content, and am even happier to hear that you’re enjoying doing it! It’s so vital to hold on to the things that bring you joy.

Anyways, my Ameliam heart was very full after that 3 part series and I’m looking forward to reading whatever else you decide to write in this universe :)

Thank you so much, Anon!

A few years ago, I’d somehow turned writing into a source of stress for myself. I burned out hard, to be honest. I’m such a perfectionist and, frankly, between the lack of feedback that comes with original work (as compared to fanfic, anyhow) and the hard financial realities of trying to self publish, I was not in a great place. Therapy helped a lot. Time did too. I’ve learned a lot about being gentle with myself and done so much work to adjust my expectations of success. At this point, now that I’m finally not only able to write but finding joy in it, the writing itself is my goal. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the feedback and interaction. But the balance is different.

Ameliam has always pulled me in. I loved working with them again, and letting them have conversations that really dove into what she’s learned, how she saw their relationship’s foundations, and who Will was without his trauma weighing him down was just a joy. The next story is a Julex AU (around 6k), the one after that will be Elara. After THAT I’m doing a royalty AU which will be much longer and ensemble. I’ve had this concept for many years. Ameliam is central to it, but it also definitely has big storylines for BookQueen, Julex, and Elara. Multi chapter for sure, can’t even guess how long or how long it’ll take (and for once, that’s okay!! Thanks, therapy 😂). I’ll likely post as I go, though. I’m not committing to weekly updates but I’ve got it as a loose goal for myseld. I also have bits written for an Ameliam rock star AU (including one original song so far, which I wrote). That’s further out probably but it’s been hijacking my brain a lot. A LOT. Too much, possibly, but I can’t be sad about it because it’s sooooo fun.

Anyhow, it’s been ages since this universe started. I’m amazed and thrilled that there are people who still want to play in this sandbox with me. And I’m so glad it’s my happy place again.