#john mulaney assembly

[simptasticjoe]

A Cry for Help: John Mulaney Baby J

When AI technology copies the voice of John Mulaney, he will be out of work for good, because I can’t imagine a single studio taking a chance on him after seeing his new comedy special, Baby J. Let’s me give a little backstory first before I get into it. Mulaney is a standup comedian who went to rehab in 2021. He is reportedly “clean” now and decided to do a Netflix Special explaining his time…

[medusa1597]

bob odenkirk's verbally abusive polish uncle acting in the bear was insane im usually more of a verbally abusive north african uncle type but i was writing down notes like it was a paid masterclass

[revisitingstoneybrook]

#44 Dawn and the Big Sleepover: Chapter 7

The BSC are SO amazing, they can blow off school to speak to their adoring fans! And Mallory gets humiliated but what else is new.

Dawn's sitting in homeroom, while her teacher Mr. Blake (one of the 1,289 members of the Stoneybrook Middle School staff) takes attendance. She won't be there for long, because she has to go to SES and introduce her relief drive at an assembly! Because, you know, Ms. Besser or any of the other teachers can't do it. The whole freakin town is under the BSC's spell, because Ms. Besser got the SES principal to arrange the assembly and the BSC gets to blow off class for a bit so they can be there. And their teachers aren't making a stink about it! Wow, Kristy's mind control powers are really paying off.

And Dawn's nervous about speaking to a bunch of kids, the majority of which she knows well and babysits for. The ones who don't use the BSC, well Kristy will take care of that. Soon, all of Stoneybrook will be under her control! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh wait, yeah. Dawn's nervous about speaking in front of a group of kids. But I thought she was oh-so sure of herself because she's such a headstrong individual! I think Peter Lerangis got her personality mixed up with Mary Anne's.

Dawn's so lost in her thoughts, she doesn't realize Mr. Blake called her name, so Mary Anne nudges her and Ray Stuckey (Dawn says he's the class clown...what, was Alan Gray absent?) says, "Earth to Dawn! Earth to Dawn!" A real John Mulaney, that one. Mr. Blake goes back to taking the attendance until the principal, Mr. Taylor, interrupts with an announcement over the loudspeaker. He says that the Seven Chosen Ones will be dismissed at five minutes to ten. Ray Stuckey asks Dawn if he joins the BSC will he get to miss school too and then fades into BSC Obscurity, joining the Trip-Man and Sabrina Bouvier the Younger.

The time arrives, and the girls leave class to go, Mr. Blake wishing Dawn luck. And of course, that makes her task feel more important, making her more nervous and simultaneously inflating her ego to Kristy-size proportions. The school's secretary, Mrs. Downey, is volunteering to drive them to SES, so they climb into her station wagon. Mallory and Jessi end up in the back (not the backseat, the back), which is also metaphorical of how the BSC treats the junior officers in general. Sticking them in the trunk.

Also, going by the map of Stoneybrook in the Complete Guide, I'm pretty sure the elementary school and middle school are across the street from each other. If so, that's a pretty short car ride!

They get to SES, and Ms. Besser greets them, adding that Dawn looks like Jeff. They go inside, and Ms. Besser says she's sooo glad the BSC swooped in and came up with this wonderful, benevolent project. The BSC saves the day again! I still find it kind of weird that the school hadn't come up with a fundraiser, and they find the BSC to be geniuses for thinking it up instead. Dawn remarks that the elementary school cafeteria smells like boiled broccoli. Mine always smelled like paper towels and processed cheese pizza (Stacey wouldn't have been able to eat it).

The girls meet Ms. Reynolds, the SES principal, and Dawn describes her: She had red hair and a strong, kind face. I liked her right away. Geez, they always like the people they meet right away! If this was Mallory narrating, you know she would have thrown in that she wanted to be just like Ms. Reynolds when she grows up!

Ms. Reynolds tells Dawn this is a very smart idea - because why should the teachers organize a food/clothing drive, when the BSC can do all the work for them? Dawn is still crazy nervous and Mary Anne squeezes her hand for good luck.

The BSC walks onstage with the two teachers and sit down in some chairs arranged in a semicircle. Ms. Reynolds tells the kids that the girls are familiar to some of you. More like most of them; the BSC are like surrogate parents to the kids, considering how much the Stoneybrook parents dump them off on a babysitter! Dawn is brought up to the microphone to talk and while she mentally angsts about how crappy her voice sounds amplified, Haley Braddock happily calls out "Hi Dawn!" Kiss ass.

Dawn goes through the group to introduce them all, which is kind of pointless, considering the BSC spends all their free time with these kids, babysitting them and organizing carnivals/plays/festivals/pet shows/interpretive dance recitals/taffy pulls for them. Needless to say, the kids' response to each BSC member getting introduced is like Oprah showed up and announced she was doing her Favorite Things episode.

Dawn delves into explaining her project and midway through, she hears a kid yawn loudly in the audience and sees kids laughing as the perpetrator is pulled out of the auditorium by his teacher. Someone bored by a BSC project? BLASPHEMY!

She decides to wing it and look up from her notes, and that ends up working, because she's more convincing and passionate. By this point, she sees kids in the audience following her and nodding in agreement, so her confidence has been restored and she's happy they're interested. Well, it's that, or Kristy turned the mind control device on.

She gets to the part about there being a reward at the end, and the kids go nuts when they hear about the sleepover. Dawn asks if there's any questions, and Little Miss Butt Kisser Haley shoots her hand up right away and gushes about what a wonderful idea it is! Yes, keep feeding the egos. She also asks if they can tell their penpals about the project. Don't even think about it! It's going to be a surprise! Say one word, and the entire school gets a Look from Kristy. You got that?

A few more kids ask questions, including a girl named Valerie Namm, who Dawn describes as a friend of Charlotte's. A friend of Charlotte's who we've never heard from before and will probably never hear from again. That's what I call an incredibly peripheral character!

Then a kid named Rob Hines asks if he can blow off the "helping-people" crap and just go to the party, and his friends laugh. Wow, a kid acting like a kid! Dawn tells him no work, no play. And why mention this kid NOW? I think some foreshadowing just came into effect...

Finally, Jordan raises his hand and says "Hey, Mal, what's that thing crawling up the wall behind you?" Mallory spins around in horror, Jordan and his friends crack up, and Mallory gets humiliated in front of a large group of elementary school children. Just another day in Stoneybrook for Mallory!

With that, Ms. Besser steps in and says she'll answer any remaining questions (yeah, I'm shocked too). The BSC leaves the stage to more thunderous applause and cheering, and this boring chapter comes to a close.

[rays-of-gold]

school assemblies the hottest ticket in town

[one-time-i-dreamt]

A himbo was chasing me and some other random person wearing a weird mascot head, and when we opened the door to run out, we found ourselves in this white void and there stood Bob Ross painting and swaying to 'You Can Do Magic' by America playing in the background.

[2o2o-kit]

BBC Ghosts Chararcters as John Mulaney Quotes

Because I can’t think of anything else to post

Robin

Humphrey

Mary

Kitty

Thomas

Fanny

The Captain

Pat

Julian

Alison and Mike

Also, I’m sorry Fanny, he meant Edwardian

And we all knew what The Captain’s quote would be

[joepelling]

THE SEASON TWO TEACHERS + LAMP BC I FORGOT HIM

larry: regular teacher, yells at everyone who stays up during naptime

briefcase: the principal. encourages students to follow their dreams

coffin: also a regular teacher, easily the most normal, insistent on rules but when people aren’t following them he just pretends they are bc it’s easier than doing something about it

lily and todney: the creepy classmates that everyone spreads weird rumors about, many of which are based on truth

warren: gives an anti bullying seminar during an assembly and spreads nothing but misinformation, it’s very that one john mulaney bit about school assembly

electracy: electrician who shows up whenever there’s a blackout, which is more often then you’d think

THE SEASON ONE TEACHERS’ ROLES IN MY HUMAN AU ARE AS FOLLOWS

sketchbook: art teacher, obviously. arguably the most normal but somewhat strict when they disagree with a student

tony: one of the regular teachers, micromanages the students and is obsessed with staying on schedule, “the bell doesn’t dismiss you i do”

shrignold: also a regular teacher. very sweet and affectionate to the students but clearly a religious nut and keeps trying to recruit his coworkers to his pyramid scheme or talk them into attending church

colin: supervises the computer lab, a favorite of most of the students because of how friendly he is, if fairly strict with his own rules

steak, spinach can, bread boy, fridge, apple from family: lunch ladies and cooks. obviously

[girl-with-the-most-cake]

I know we are talking about horses leaving hospitals, but today’s event reminded me of another John Mulaney bit. I thought Biden’s speech had a Second Assembly tone. Like, “please refrain from being such assholes.” Like, “if you call each other bitches and sluts, that makes it okay for Russia and North Korea to say it” energy.

[princemannikin]

Captain America Memes

Whenever I see a meme, about Captain America, using the “So, you got detention” format or any format based on the school videos, all I can think about is that John Mulaney skit about assembly.

“And you ha-ha-ha, laugh it up. What was so funny, about when that man couldn’t fit his shields back into the trunk of his Dodge Neon, what was so funny?”

[pparkerpoetry]

help hELP HELP

my sister has met a boy named nunzio!! I cracked up, of course. She asked why, and i cant find that thread of john mulaney being some crackhead at his assembly being a guy named nunzio!!!!

hELP

(More context: "i been sober two days now. Well, week days, not weekends. Thats nunzio's time." Yknow that)

[daily-john-mulaney]

day seventy nine (79)

[vinyls-and-valentines]

Shotgun: exists

Cyanide, from the other side of the store: "THAT'S MY WIFE!"

[pre-successful]

Keen: Assistant Director Cooper came out to kick things off. He was like, Agent Keen, rather than continue to have you profile criminals, we have cleared your entire schedule for THIS RANDOM GUY.

[latenightace]

i forgot about when john mulaney says

teachers: you missed the importance of the speech about the danger of cliques

kid: what’s a clique

teachers: a group of kids

kid: you mean like having friends

teachers: no cause these people make fun of other people

kid: oh you mean like having friends

because whole mood all my friends do is make fun of people including each other and it’s GREAT

[stvrgrs-archive]

Steve Rogers through the ages: the John Mulaney edition

Pre-TFA

We put in $7 and selected 21 plays of what’s new pussycat (bc him and Bucky were lil shits)

We were little goblins. We were terrible

I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under

You kids have no upper body strength.” And we were like, “We know but, hey.”

A hundred drunk white children yelling fuck da police

Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30’s. As long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

I’m 35, but I’m still like, “Hey, when am I going to get big and strong?”

“Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home?”

CA:TFA

I’ll take your advice, friend I’ve never listened to before.

It was a lie… to get drugs

Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!

oh, so you’re telling me, that if you saw Hitler… walking down the street… you wouldn’t kill him?

“Just explain to me this. How are you better than a Nazi?”

My wife is a bitch and I like her so much

Avengers Assemble

I’m new in town and it gets worse

Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep

I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think

An then I got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit

Jesus Christ! What, were you two in the Eagles together? What is the animosity about?

I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and have walked and talked for 28 years. [shrugs] I think I was supposed to be gay.

Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable.

CA:TWS

Oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker. You have no idea. The Gestapo threw my printing press into a river.

So how’d you lose your arm?

And now there’s nazis again!

we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!

Thank you for clapping at my political gazebo material. I’m very brave.

A hero is any man who does his job

Avengers: AOU

when you stop drinking and you still go to parties where people are drinking, they will have no idea what to offer you

I don’t like robots… thinking of things.

Shut up! [We’re] all gonna die! Street Smarts!

You know, I’m Irish, and Irish people wont tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottled up you know? Like the thing with Irish people is: “I’ll just keep all my emotions right here(Points to heart) and then one day, I’ll die.”

CA:CW

When people get mad at me now, it’s my fault

Sometimes people would say “what do you think you’re doing.” But that just meant stop. They didn’t actually wanna know your thought processes

And I said no. You know, like a liar

“I’m either having a drink or I have to pee, you’re livin’ the golden years, kid, not me,”

“This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.”

“God, I guess they’re finally going to kill us all. All right. This is younger than I thought I would be but we are pretty big assholes.”

Thank you. No one will ever see me agin

Avengers IW

You know how I’m filled with rage?

I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet

Do not fuck with me

Avengers Endgame (so far)

Woah that tall child looks terrible. Get some rest tall child. You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends

Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I wil totally kill that guy for you

You just wanna die everyday

The less amount of time you live, the better…

Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or [gestures to the ground] do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?

[updated post endgame]

Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, aaand she’s a female person

[wiigsten]

Seth Meyers Lobby Baby is available now on Netflix and it is an hour of the most ‘chaotic good’ jokes ever, fully recommend