#jin ling deserves to cry a bit

[spoiler-alert-andabunchofnumbers]

Not to mention Jin Ling then trying to turn all of his hatred onto Wen Ning afterwards. He's a kid who's been reminded of his parents' deaths with every breath he takes, only having stories about them and being fed Jiang Cheng's unhinged hatred for all the love that was lost. If Wei Wuxian turned out to not be the monster he thought he was, then he...he has to hate someone else!

But then Wen Ning turns out to be even MORE gentle than Wei Wuxian, filled with guilt for what happened, flinging himself in front of Lan Sizhui and saying "I won't fight back, get your anger out on me if it'll put you at ease!"

That scene had me crying too yo. Everyone rallies behind Lan Sizhui and calls Jin Ling out for being too aggressive - no one takes his side, no one understands how much he's been affected by his life. Jiang Cheng's solution is to tell him to get angry, but now that's just turned all of his peers against him and calling him violent and unreasonable. So he just breaks down sobbing saying "Yes, I'm a horrible person!" even though NONE of what happened is his fault and he has a right to be angry and trying to find an outlet for his emotion. He just doesn't know HOW. No one ever taught him, everyone ridicules him for crying and distances themselves from his anger. People treat him delicately yet say he needs to toughen up.

I think the worst part is that Wei Wuxian's first scathing (accidental) comment, "Your mother never taught you any manners" is kinda really true. He never had a mother to teach him to express himself, to support him and be vulnerable with him. We joke about how many uncles Jin Ling has but I mean how many AUNTS does he have? How many mother figures does he have? Qin Su is basically traumatized by the death of Jin Rusong so is maybe not the motherly type. Nie Huisang, Lan Xichen, Jiang Cheng - unmarried, unmarried, unmarried.

Wei Wuxian is really the first one to A: tell Jin Ling to get over himself and doesn't treat him like some untouchable young master who no one has the right to lord over, B: openly admits when he's sorry and apologizes and teaches Jin Ling the concept of emotional vulnerability, C: stands by Jin Ling's side to teach him to be himself rather than scolding or threatening or guilting him to fit in better. The fact that Wei Wuxian is NOT a woman may even be better because Jin Ling is seeing that men don't have to fit into the unyielding mold of tough guys but can still have fun without being a pushover.

Jin Ling is such a tragedy because there really is no one left to blame. It's not that easy. Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning are responsible, but they're not maniacal villains laughing at the top of a mountain without a care in the world for the consequences. They cared, they had family who were lost, they suffered before and don't want anyone to suffer again - they hate themselves just as much for their part in what happened.

Even Jin Guangyao is such a complicated case for Jin Ling. It's the uncle who was always nice to him, who gave him his spirit dog, who was always putting on a smile. In comparison to Jiang Cheng, Jin Guangyao was a lifeline. And then Jin Guangyao turns out to be a villain who doesn't bat an eye at killing and threatening...but who also didn't WANT these bad things to be "necessary." He too was wronged by the world and lashed out at its unfairness.

This fifteen year old kid has gone through so much, simultaneously pampered into a spoiled brat and utterly isolated from his peers, filled with vengeance for his entire life but also trying to love and be loved. He learned from Jiang Cheng to pretend to be above it all, and he learned from Jin Guangyao to be kind and forgive, but all of it was lies and unhealthy coping. Jiang Cheng essentially taught him to argue with anyone who disagrees with him or looks down on him to assert his dominance, and Jin Guangyao taught him to suppress his desire to speak his mind and never start fights because of etiquette and self-preservation - to the point that he rejects who he is and wants to be.

At this age, Jin Ling's already having to learn the lesson that everyone's going to be throwing opinions around, no one is perfect, you can't easily sort people into categories. In the end, he can take advice from others, but it's up to him to make the choice of who he wants to be. And he's learned that unrelenting resentment makes for an easy path to walk in life, but it's not actually how life works. The cultivation world can turn on someone they worshipped unconditionally. That included Wei Wuxian, that included Jin Guangyao, and even to an extent Jin Ling himself.

He has to take over the Jin Clan after all these scandals and atrocities, but he's become the kind of kid who will answer an insignificant man's plea for help, who is making friends who won't judge him and will stand by him even when he makes mistakes, and by the end of the story he's matured, yet also finally learned to be a kid. Nothing's perfect, none of the tragedies of the past can be reversed (and Jiang Cheng's still gonna get into fights whenever he accidentally runs into Wen Ning), but at least now Jin Ling can choose how he decides to live, who he hates and who he forgives.

while reading the books, i remember wei wuxian’s relationship with jin ling hitting me especially hard. i was crying when the whole stabbing thing happened. but i truly adore what becomes of them and do you know why? because jin ling does something the others could never, something miraculous really––he actually unlearns the prejudice he’s been taught to hold against wei wuxian. he meets wwx, full of disdain, slowly learning about who wwx really is and it has nothing to do with wwx’s outward appearance. and when the truth is revealed, the internal warring for jin ling is plainly portrayed and even if he does give in to a hate intermingled with grief that he has internalised towards this one entity (wei wuxian was never a person in his mind, just the ‘killer’ of his parents, a phantom, before the events of the book happened), you can tell his heart has already turned, that it will keep turning and that’s what happens. you have jin ling, an orphaned child, who hated someone whom his mother loved dearly, because that man caused his parents’ death but it is such a commendable thing that wei wuxian was able to create a space in jin ling’s heart and jin ling was able to accept it. it’s the way both jin ling & jiang cheng blame the death of their parents on wwx but only the former was able to see wei wuxian clearly and actually forge a bond of love with him.

it’s the fact that if ANYONE in this story can actually rightfully hold a grudge against wei wuxian, it’s jin ling, but instead this teenager decides that wei wuxian is much too good and that having him as an uncle is lovely, after all.

[leatherbookmark]

ALSO a bit on that topic and partially inspired by lise’s essay from yesterday -- jl.

the quote:

The smile had been so kind, so genuine that Jin Ling couldn’t believe Jin Guangyao had faked it. All of a sudden, fresh tears fell from his eyes.

Jin Ling had always thought that crying was a sign of weakness, and had treated it with contempt. Yet, other than this flood of tears, there was no way to release all the pain and anger in his heart.

He didn’t know why, but he felt like he couldn’t hate or blame anyone. Wei Wuxian, Jin Guangyao, Wen Ning — Each of them was responsible in some way for the deaths of his parents, and each of them had given him a reason to loathe them. But it also seemed like each of them had left him unable to do so. But if he didn’t hate them, who could he hate? Had he deserved to lose his parents? Was he not only unable to seek revenge, but also unable to simply hate anyone?

He somehow didn’t want to let go. He felt wronged. He felt like he’d rather die together with them and end everything.

Watching him cry soundlessly as he stared at the coffin, Sect Leader Yao asked,

“Jin-gongzi, why are you crying? For Jin Guangyao?”

When Jin Ling said nothing, Sect Leader Yao spoke as a senior scolding a junior.

“What are you crying for? Hold back your tears. Someone like your uncle doesn’t deserve anyone’s tears. Jin-gongzi, I mean no offense, but you can’t be so weak! This sentimentality is more suitable to the fairer sex. You should know what’s right and what’s wrong, and straighten up your…”

(...)

Jin Ling had thousands of thoughts and feelings whirling inside him already. Hearing Sect Leader Yao’s remarks, a fire surged in his heart.

He shouted, “So what if I want to cry?! Who are you? What are you? You won’t leave me alone even when I’m crying?!”

(chapter 110, EXR)

what does this scene mean, and why is it here?

i, personally, love it. jl says (well, thinks) it himself -- he has all the reasons to hate wwx, wn and jgy and blame them for the deaths of his parents. note that this is after he finds out about jgy’s involvement! he could easily go “i used to hate wn and wwx as the villains who killed my parents and love jgy as the uncle who gave me fairy, but now i see i had it all wrong and i should love them and hate him instead”. he doesn’t do that though. he still groups them all together, still grapples with anger, pain and hatred, and still finds that he can’t hate any of them.

and he struggles with it! he really does, to the point of bursting into tears. this is not just jc’s fault, before anyone tries anything -- the entire world jianghu seems to be into the idea that every bad thing that happens has a Bad Person who caused it and needs to be punished and reviled. first it was wrh, then wwx, now jgy. and later probably someone else. but here, jl learns a (very painful) lesson -- sometimes things aren’t so easy as “X is 100% bad”, or even “X is 75% bad, but even that is enough to condemn them”, OR even “X is 67% bad, but being 1/3rd Good they should have known better and GROW BETTER”.

sometimes people are people.

so what does this scene tell us about jgy? well, sect leader yao hurries with an explanation: jl shouldn’t cry, jgy isn’t worth it, and in fact, crying is for pussies; real men know what’s right and what’s wrong, and-- wait, no? is that not what we’re supposed to think? why is jin ling shouting at this kind senior who kindly offers advice?

well, perhaps because sect leader yao isn’t the best source there is.

but really -- that’s the question: is jl wrong, and sly right? is jl wrong to see Nuance in people, to realize that life is not as easy as finding a villain to blame, avenging your family and basking in the glow of satisfaction? or is he a manipulated victim who can’t see how horrible their abuser was, even when faced with proof of it all?

this is perhaps the last scene “featuring” jgy, not counting the one with people talking in the inn in the last chapter. in the previous chapter, wwx lays it all out in front of lwj, lxc and nhs: the explanation of what jgy wanted to do in the temple, the possible reason why he organized the burial mounds party. that’s it, that’s the end, we don’t really need anything more. if anything, it could be jc to lead the narration pov, looking at jl with fairy and thinking about this man who gave his nephew a puppy and turned out to have been a monster all this time. this, again, doesn’t happen.

[rosethornewrites]

T & G reading since 2/26

Finished

Teen:

The Twin Blades of Yunmeng, by GhostySword, ofmindelans (18 chapters)

Then Jiang Cheng brings both blades around, two sword glares flashing, and—oh. Wei Wuxian knows the second sword’s red and silver glare better than any other. His brother is wielding Suibian, the first and last sword that had ever belonged to Wei Wuxian.

Jiang Cheng and the Jin sect took away different treasures after Wei Wuxian's death. When Wei Wuxian comes back from the dead, his brother has some theories, some feelings, and two swords strapped across his back. Now Wei Wuxian must solve a Chenqing-charged mystery while surviving a passive-aggressive custody battle between Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji.

you'd get your knuckles bloody for me, by Cataclysmic_Calamity

For once, someone says something that Wei Wuxian can’t laugh off when he’s at a party. Upon seeing this, Lan Wangji, who has never broken a rule in his life—or even raised his voice—does something about it.

to heal with the sunrise, by justdoityoufucker (orphan_account)

It’s almost eleven years after his death when the Yiling Laozu is revived.

Jin Ling does not hear of it until news comes from Lotus Pier—or, more accurately, news comes about Lotus Pier. In the midst of his shushu being exposed as the mastermind behind many recent horrors of the cultivation world, his jiujiu has met a horrific and unexplained end.

And Jin Ling cries—not for his jiujiu, no.

He cries for his best and only friend, who is now free of Jiang Wanyin.

-

Or, the one where Jiang Wanyin suffers as he deserves.

Retracing my steps (I found you), by Asphodel_Meadow (reread)

When Wei Wuxian activates the travel array, he doesn’t expect to be sent back in time, and certainly not to the lectures in Cloud Recesses.

General:

The White Jade Hairpin, by YilingSani

Happy Birthday, dear Hanguang-Jun!

Mulberry seeds, by OurLadyoftheRain (5 chapters)

Is there anything more bothersome than a little brother hellbent on not being the youngest of the family anymore?

Yes. A little brother being smug about having gotten exactly what he wanted.

Into the murk, by MissCellophane

Wei Wuxian is dead.

Lan Wangji wouldn't believe those words until he sees it for himself.

Unfinished

Teen:

What Remains After the War, by Swan_Song

There is a child in the burial mounds.

Looking at the face of a sobbing toddler, crying for the man he once called brother, Jiang Wanyin he can’t find it in him to care that the boy has Wen blood.

He takes the boy home

Something Warm and Safe, by Winxhelina

"Rich-gege!" A-Yuan exclaims happily.

"You can't call him that," Wei Wuxian admonishes gently. He puts an arm around Lan Wangji just as his knees give out, "Hey! I'm holding a child, you can't pass out on me like that. Oh. Oh, your back is covered in blood. Is that - is that your blood, Lan Zhan?!"

"Mn."

"Oh. Oh, you're bleeding a lot! Hold on! I'm putting A-Yuan down. A-Yuan, walk on your own for a bit. Can you also hold the basket for me? You're so mature and responsible! Okay, Lan Zhan, stay with me. I've got you."

"Is Rich-gege hurt?"

Lan Wangji doesn't hear the rest of that conversation.

In which Granny Wen manages to convince Wei Wuxian to take A-Yuan and hide away from the world. Lan Wangji manages to find them.

General:

Once upon a lifetime, by HuaisangsIntellect

The second he awakens, Wei Wuxian realises that he has been sent to the past, but at what cost? How will he prevent the Sunshot Campaign and make sure none of his loved ones die? And... why is Lan Wangji so different than what he remembered?

(Or: Wei Wuxian somehow finds himself back in the past and causes trouble along the way.)

Lies and Truth, by parodismal (🔒)

What happen if Lan Wangji decided to actually check Qiongqi Path after Wei Wuxian leave?

....

It leads to a domino effect towards a new Chief Cultivator

Is it a better?

Or worse?

[llycaons]

ep42 (2/3): aw yeah staircase confession time

love the expressions here. lwj sharp, combative. wwx resigned, despondent. yeah, he's about to say. he did. nobody would ever knowingly help me. nobody would ever stand with me publicly. he wasn't even expecting lwj to protect him when he resurrected. too used to being on his own, failed by almost every single person he thought he could rely on

the little smile here is so sad. he has a lot of these smiles - bitter, resigned, ready to fold. it's such a sad throughline for a character so fiercely committed to standing up for others. he does stand up for himself, he's just no longer expecting anyone to do the same for him

but oh! what's this! lwj joins him against a circle of swords?

and lwj isn't saying this to jgy or any other cultivator here. he's saying it to wwx! I knew who you were and I helped you anyway because I care about you and support you and you deserve it. LOVE this scene

and then everyone steps back and freaks out bc lwj just unsheathed bichen

'used to being in this kind of situation' buddy 😭

this scene is a bit flashback-heavy and it makes the entire flow stumble a bit, but this question IS significant

HIGH ROMANCE. do you all know what a state I was in when I first heard this

and this is such a big smile for him too

and I love wwx's response! more than the dialogue, it's the physical reaction that speaks to me - he's swallowing thickly, can barely speak. he's close to tears. that's one of my favorite things about cql wwx - how genuine expressions of care and love make him start to cry, and how he laughs to cover it up

this is correct

always thought this was kind of sexy ngl

UH OH. jc looks briefly shocked and then...does nothing. great! useless man

it's also really sad how blank wwx looks

okay I know this is a useful question bc wwx answers with "I'm okay to travel, let's go' but it sounds so dumb 😭 'oh my god you just got stabbed, how do you feel' idk maybe he feels like he got stabbed?

anyway they run off leaving poor jin ling questioning his entire life

NOT THE SWORD DROPPING 😭

ugh he was so hot in the flashback days

pretty cranes on the print behind him

ohhhh touching.....scandalous. I feel like a victorian maiden

this hurts :( bro

and I really like this effect. the blurriness of his face reflected in the blade - just like how long ago his past where he could use this was. does that make sense? I'm ascribing meaning okay

[bloody-bee-tea]

Beetober 2021 Day 31 - What shall never be

It's already the last day of October, can you even imagine? Thank you, to everyone who stuck through this month with me! Here's to hoping for many more mingcheng fics in the future!

“A-niang, a story?” Jiang Cheng asks and he tries to look as innocent and cute as he can.

She doesn’t always tell him a story when she brings him to bed; some days she snaps at him that he’s a big boy and that the heirs of Great Sects don’t need bedtime stories, which Jiang Cheng finds a little bit sad if he’s honest.

Everyone deserves a bedtime story and especially heirs, in his opinion. Their life is already too filled with lessons and duties.

Sometimes though, very rarely, when a-niang is in a good mood and Jiang Cheng has been a good boy, she indulges him with a story.

And it seems like today he was a good boy.

“Alright, my little lotus,” his a-niang sighs and sits down on his bed. “But you have to listen very carefully, do you hear me?”

Jiang Cheng nods, deciding to treat this as a lesson, and his a-niang nods approvingly.

“There is a curse on the Jiang family,” she starts and Jiang Cheng immediately frowns.

“What’s a curse?” he asks, because he doesn’t know that word and he fears that this whole story won’t make sense if he doesn’t know it.

“It means that someone wished harm and punishment onto the Jiang family,” she explains and just by her lack of anger at his question Jiang Cheng knows that this is important.

“Who would do something like that?” Jiang Cheng wants to know, because why would anyone wish harm to his family?

They are all good people, even a-die, who hasn’t so much as looked at Jiang Cheng since Wei Wuxian came home.

“The why and the who has been lost over time,” a-niang tells him. “There are some records that blame a water spirit, angered by the Jiang family, maybe even robbed of its own happiness. But no one is sure anymore.”

“What does the curse do?” Jiang Cheng asks next and it’s not so much a bedtime story anymore.

It’s more of a history lesson now, he understands that.

“No one belonging to the Jiang family can be happy, my little lotus. What shall never be is that a Jiang dies happy. And everyone related to the Jiangs seems to be afflicted as well.”

“Afflicted,” Jiang Cheng clumsily repeats to himself and his mother sighs.

“They all die unhappy, too,” she says and it almost makes Jiang Cheng cry.

“But that’s so sad! Why would someone do that! Are you going to die unhappy too? You and a-die?” Jiang Cheng cries out and crawls over to his mother, who allows him to hug her arm.

“Probably, even though it’s not like your father tried to be happy in the first place,” she says with a sigh and pushes his bangs out of his face. “And you will most likely die unhappy, too, my little lotus. And that is why it’s so important that you become fierce and strong. You need to protect those you love. You have to attempt the impossible and change your fate.”

“My fate?”

“So that the curse doesn’t make you suffer,” a-niang says and Jiang Cheng nods.

“Alright, I will become much stronger. And I will grow bigger soon!” he promises his mother. “So I can protect you and a-die, and a-jie and Wei Wuxian!”

“How noble of you,” a-niang says and then puts him to bed. “And now you’re finally going to sleep.”

Jiang Cheng curls up under his blanket, his mind full of evil beings, whishing his family pain and suffering, but beneath that is the goal to become stronger and make sure that everyone will be safe.

Jiang Cheng will surely accomplish that.

~*~*~

A-niang only told the story about the curse once, but it never left Jiang Cheng’s mind. His will to grow strong and protect those he loves his still there, but in the end, he fails.

Jiang Cheng does not manage to make a single person happy, or to protect anyone. His parents, his sister and Wei Wuxian all die in quick succession and Lotus Pier is nothing more than a burnt out husk.

Jiang Cheng alone prevails and he hopes with all his heart that Jin Ling will be exempt from the curse.

~*~*~

“I have to refuse this,” Jiang Cheng says and slides the letter back to Nie Mingjue.

“And why is that?” he asks, apparently unbothered by Jiang Cheng’s refusal.

“Why do I have to explain myself to you?” Jiang Cheng demands to know, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t seem to mind his rough tone.

“I know you’re in love with me. I thought we established that during the war. So why be difficult now?”

“I can’t let you court me,” Jiang Cheng admits, his mother’s words echoing in his mind louder than ever.

“Why not?” Nie Mingjue asks, softer now and he reaches out and takes Jiang Cheng’s hand in his. “Give me one good reason.”

“There’s—” Jiang Cheng hesitates.

He never told anyone about the curse that supposedly lies on the Jiang and he’s not sure if Nie Mingjue would mock him for believing it in the first place.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want,” Nie Mingjue says after a while with a small frown. “It’s alright, you don’t owe me an explanation.”

“No, it’s just that—my mother told me this story. About a curse that lies on the Jiang family. I did my own research and I found some scarce texts about it, so I guess it’s true, but—”

“What curse?”

“No member of the Jiang family is ever supposed to be happy. If we are, we die. And I know it sounds stupid, but look at my sister. She got ten months, give or take a few weeks? Wei Wuxian was happy enough in his life that demonic cultivation had to take him. I can’t—if I allow you to court me, you’ll suffer. And I will suffer, too, because you would make me happy.”

Nie Mingjue hums in contemplation and Jiang Cheng wants to yell at him to think faster, but Nie Mingjue deserves to think this through.

Jiang Cheng would love to be courted by him, because Nie Mingjue is not wrong; Jiang Cheng is in love with him and they already made declarations of that nature during the war, but still. A war fling is different than an actual courtship or a marriage.

And Jiang Cheng is not going to take Nie Mingjue down with him.

“Is that were your Sect’s motto stems from? Achieve the impossible in breaking a curse no one knows about anymore?” Nie Mingjue suddenly asks and Jiang Cheng stills.

“It’s—possible,” he hesitantly says, because he never thought of it like that. “It’s actually likely,” Jiang Cheng amends but then he shrugs. “Doesn’t change the fact that no one attempted the impossible yet.”

“Well, I’d say you’re on a good way to that,” Nie Mingjue shoots back. “I mean look at Lotus Pier; it’s already mostly repaired and I’m sure you’ll do great things with your Sect.”

“If I live long enough,” Jiang Cheng mutters. “That doesn’t change the fact that you could still die if we do this,” Jiang Cheng nods towards the letter.

“Well, here’s the thing; I’m going to die anyway,” Nie Mingjue says and then tells Jiang Cheng all about the curse of the sabre spirits.

It seems like Jiang Cheng’s family is not the only one with a curse, but this, at least, seems solvable to Jiang Cheng.

“The clarity bell could help,” Jiang Cheng tells Nie Mingjue once he’s done and now that he thinks about it, maybe the bell was made in an attempt to soothe the enraged spirit and make it take back the curse.

It’s definitely worth a try to use it on the sabre spirits.

“Could it now?” Nie Mingjue asks with a wicked smile and Jiang Cheng realizes that he’s basically brushing off Nie Mingjue’s reason as to why they shouldn’t court.

Just like Nie Mingjue brushed off Jiang Cheng’s reason.

“I say we try,” Nie Mingjue decides and raises their still clasped hands to press a kiss to the back of Jiang Cheng’s.

“Your death will not be on my hands,” Jiang Cheng warns him, but Nie Mingjue only smiles at him.

“If I die because I was happy with you—that’s a death I’ll gladly take,” Nie Mingjue tells him and Jiang Cheng can’t believe how sappy he already is.

He hopes that will wear off during their courtship.

~*~*~

Jiang Cheng cannot believe his luck. He managed to save Nie Mingjue by applying the clarity bells freely and often. So often in fact that Nie Mingjue is complaining about all the damn ringing more than once in a day, but Jiang Cheng doesn’t care.

As long as he can complain, he’s not dead and that’s the only thing Jiang Cheng really cares about right now.

Especially right now, when they have just adopted a tiny baby girl and brought her home.

Jiang Cheng is no longer terrified that something will happen to Nie Mingjue or her, because he thinks that maybe the happy life they have now is more important than any supposed death by a curse.

He long ago gave up on attempting the impossible, because it’s literally not doable if he doesn’t even know where to start. Jiang Cheng managed to do everything else he set out to do, but breaking the curse seems to be beyond his capabilities.

Still, he goes out to the lake almost every night, praying to the spirits that they won’t take this from him, that he’s sorry for any misgivings that happened in the past and he hopes he can make up for them through any other means than dying.

So far, he never received an answer.

This night he’s out for far longer than he usually is, but the arrival of his daughter in the Sect has left him a bit unsettled, old fears rearing their heads, and he needs to make sure that the spirit won’t come for her. If it even is the same spirit in the lake still.

Jiang Cheng sits, and prays, and offers what he thinks a spirit might like, but in the end, he can only hope for the best.

When it starts to be morning rather than night, Jiang Cheng goes back to his sleeping husband, and to his still fussy daughter and he slides under the blanket, welcomed by their warmth.

Nie Mingjue stirs in his sleep and immediately pulls him close, so that their daughter is safely cradled between them.

“Are you happy, my heart?” Nie Mingjue mutters and Jiang Cheng feels like crying when he realizes that he is.

He is absolutely and incandescently happy.

“I am, my soul. I am so, so happy,” he whispers back and leans over to press a kiss to Nie Mingjue’s brow.

He is happy and he is no longer afraid; because no matter what happens in the future, no one in this world can take this moment from him.

Jiang Cheng will always remember the time he thought he could die because of happiness.

Well done, little lotus, a voice whispers in the back of his mind and it sounds so unlike his mother that Jiang Cheng wonders if maybe he broke the curse without even trying.

He’ll contemplate that in the morning though, because right now sleeping with his family is more important than anything else.

Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!

[wangxianficrecs]

Follower Recs

There are nearly FORTY THOUSAND AO3 stories in the MDZS universe, and I am just a single person with limited time, so....  Here’s a bit of y’all doing my work for me!

~*~

Mojo, I know it'd probably be recced before, but I have to recommend stiltonbasket's Twelve Moons and a Fortnight. It has made me squee of cuteness, hold my breath with suspense, marvel over the worldbuilding and character interactions, and just awed me at how well every original piece of lore and HC ties back to canon. I cried over it, only to cry laughing the next chapter. it kept me going through an entire year of lockdown and is finally coming to an end, and the resolution was magnificent.

*[I’m subscribed to this and keep waiting for Part One to be completed, but instead later parts keep getting posted:  is it completed but not marked?  I am confused.  And eager to read!]*

Twelve Moons and a Fortnight

by stiltonbasket (G, 267k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  "Let me get this straight. You really want me to stand in for you while you help Jin Ling settle in at Koi Tower?"

"Who else do I have?" Jiang Cheng snaps, ears turning scarlet as Jin Ling tries to pretend he isn't listening. "Father trained you to serve as my deputy, didn't he? And don't say you don't remember, or I'll break your legs."

"Well, yes," Wei Wuxian manages. "Uh. I'll just let Lan Zhan know I'll be at Lotus Pier until you're back at home, then."

Or, the one where Wei Wuxian spends the year before his wedding as Yunmeng Jiang's acting sect leader, and the cultivation world's greatest love story finds its happy ending with the help of three juniors, a teenage romance, and one very involved (and exasperated) younger brother.

~*~

May I recommend fielty by milkpunch a sort of AU where lwj in order to save his sect from being destroyed by nine after wen rouhans assasination goes to work as a guard to Jin zixuan where he meets wwx the right hand of Jin guanguao... ~ @pastashouldbeeatenwithafork

Fealty

by milkpunch (E, 84k, wangxian)

Summary:  Before, there had been two reigning kingdoms. Both claimed to be blessed by the sun, but with vastly differing views. One, under the name of Wen, was washed red with blood and violence, its soldiers fierce and stoked with a fiery blaze. The other, under the name of Jin, was bathed in golden light and glory, its soldiers proud and heavy with coin and prestige. The two kingdoms went to war for the true honour of having the sun’s blessing, fighting for many long years with many lives lost.

Jin Guangshan, emperor of the Golden Sun Palace, found that the sun favoured him more.

To prevent his kingdom from being crushed, Lan Zhan, second heir to the Lan kingdom, exchanges his freedom for that of servitude to the Jin kingdom. He is appointed as Jin Zixuan's personal guard, but there's more on his plate than just keeping the Jin heir safe. The Golden Sun Palace is not all that it seems, and the dazzling lives of the royals are less perfect than they appear.

~*~

Hey, I was wondering if I could rec a fic to you. My bestie wrote it for the Lunar New Year Wangxian gift exchange and it definitely did not receive the attention it deserves. It's a really fun mermaid/arranged marriage au! ~ @leahlisabeth

More Than This Provincial Wife

by ApprenticedMagician (T, 6k, wangxian)

Summary:  The negotiations surrounding the Lan & Jiang alliance through marriage encountered a few snags in the beginning.

~*~

I love your blog! I saw a recent post where you listed some rec's from other people? [Thank you!  And yes, I always appreciate and am happy to share your recs!]  I just read the WIP A Corpse Called By Name jaemyun and LOVED it! It's a zombie apocolypse AU, where Wei Ying gets bitten by a zombie.... and I don't want to spoil anything from there, but it is amazing! No pressure to put it in your blog, but wanted to send a note just in case. Thanks for all you do!

A Corpse Called By Name

by jaemyun (not rated, 37k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  A continuation of zombie drabble!

She loses her brother in a hoard of the undead.

She finds a corpse wearing his face in a convenience store.

The corpse calls her name.

~*~

Hi! I was wondering if I could rec this short fic that I recently found and really liked! The narrative is an inner monologue and I think it captures lwj really well :)

binding me in spells (till my heart's devoured)

by gaysgaysgays (G, <1k, wangxian)

Summary:  His scars are a reminder of his hurt, a reminder that he had healed.

(or a study of lan zhan's scars)

~*~

I found a fic I had recently asked you about, so I thought I'd share it with you: Seasons of Falling Flowers by merakily (http://archiveofourown.org/works/28522326). I rediscovered it completely by accident after listening to spinifex's excellent podfic adaptation. This is the fic where Lan Qiren despises Wei Wuxian until Wei Wuxian catches a cold and Lan Qiren find out about his golden core. That part is about 3/4 of the way through. The fic is wonderful and shows a rigid but surprisingly introspective Lan Qiren. ~ @clmoryel [Oh!  I just read this one yesterday!  Here’s my bookmark.]

Seasons of Falling Flowers

by merakily (G, 40k, wangxian, lan qiren & wei wuxian, podfic)

Summary:  Like a parasite, Wei Wuxian has this way of growing on people when you least expect it.

Over the seasons, Lan Qiren slowly pieces back together his relationship with Wangji and learns to like Wei Wuxian in the process.

(“Will you rejoin your sect?” As soon as the words leave his mouth, Lan Qiren regrets his wording.

He is not surprised when Wangji’s eyes narrow, flashing with offence. “There is no need to rejoin what one has never left. I did not turn my back on my sect. My sect turned their backs on me.”)

~*~

Hi! Can I rec a fic? "bring you home" by Alasse_Irena on AO3 is a modern AU and is one of the most beautiful and atmospheric fics I have read. Thanks for you work running this blog! I have new Wangxian fics to read <3

bring you home

by Alasse_Irena (T, 28k, wangxian)

Summary:  Wei Ying rents a run-down cottage in a small town by the sea, looking for a quiet place to hide after the war.

Lan Zhan has always dreamed of the ocean. He returns to the town where he was born, and where his parents died, to find out why.

Instead, they find each other.

~*~

Good morning lady mojo, I hope you’re having a good day! I wanted to rec a fic, Breathing Firestorm by ladyshadowdrake. It’s 111k and great but barely has any love, which is unfair. You mentioned it in the last ‘in a mood for’ post but I think it should have more of a shoutout because it’s a lot of fun and I liked it a lot. Have a great day ♥️  [Oh!  I was subscribed to this one and saw it had been recently finished.  It’s def. on my list!]

Breathing Firestorm

by ladyshadowdrake (M, 111k, wangxian)

Summary:  After years of a mad quest, Wen Ruohan is finally given proof of a powerful creature living among mortals. He is delighted to find that it truly believes itself to be only a boy named “Wei Wuxian.”

While Wen Ruohan tries to unlock Wei Wuxian’s secret, the sects unite against him. If he can achieve his goal before they arrive, even the combined might of the cultivation world would not be enough to humble him. Meanwhile, Lan Wangji dreams of Wei Wuxian in the Cold Pond Cave, and works tirelessly to rescue him from Wen Ruohan’s clutches. No one is prepared for what awaits the allied sects in Nightless City at the conclusion of the war, and it very well might mean the end of the world as they know it.

~*~

Hi Mojo, firstly thank you for all the hard work you put into running this blog, I’ve found so many fics that I probably would have never come across if it wasn’t for your fic finders posts and your personal review posts.  [Aw, thank you!]

I don’t know if you’ve read this fic before or if it’s been mentioned before on your blog (I’ve done a quick search of your blog and couldn’t see it, so if I’ve missed it I apologise!) but if you’ve got a fic rec post coming up, I would suggest “The shapes a bright container can contain” by litbynosun.

It’s a case fic about 16k words long and set after canon. Whilst it’s not the main focus of the story it does delve slightly into chronic illness of wwx (the ailments of mxy’s body) and lwj (his continuous treatment of his scars) which might cover a few requests in the IITMF posts in future.

Thanks again for all the hard work you do! ~ @dulachodladh

the shapes a bright container can contain

by litbynosun

M, 17k, wangxian

Summary:  "Lan Zhan, look at this," Wei Wuxian calls. "They don't have organs, but they're all… fuzzy."

He gently strokes the corpse's arm -- it's covered in soft, pigmentless downy hair, like a rabbit. Lan Wangji crouches next to him and nods. "Lanugo," he says. Wei Wuxian raises one eyebrow. "They were malnourished for quite a while before death," Lan Wangji elaborates. Wei Wuxian scans the bodies again. Indeed, they both have sunken cheeks, and their abdomens are empty of both organs and fat padding. “That’s a question,” he says. “Did they starve to death, and have their bodies desecrated after they were already deceased? Or were they murdered, and simply starving at the same time?” "We should stay," Lan Wangji tells him. This is not an answer to his question. It is an offer to search for answers.

Or: Wei Wuxian and his family solve a ghost haunting. Wei Wuxain's old enemy, societal injustice, rears its head again.

[little-smartass]

Xuanli for the _canons!

Headcanon: Yanli has her unspecified chronic illness, which means that whilst most of the time she is able to perform the duties of a very involved mother and sect-leader-wife, she also has days where she can barely get out of bed due to pain/fatigue. these days make Zixuan super anxious at first, until it really clicks in his brain that Yanli has had to deal with this her entire life and it’s never really going to go away and you worrying about it isn’t going to change that, and then he makes it his absolute mission to figure out how best to help her on her bad days. do you want the doctor? or to be left alone? or to be held? or tea? or a hot bath? he’s not good at putting his emotions into words, but when he solemnly tells her that if she is always always looking after everyone else, that makes it his job to look after her, she does cry a bit.

Heartcanon: it’s Jin clan tradition that all “menfolk” are sent away as soon as the labour begins, but when Yanli has her first contraction with Jin Ling she grabs Zixuan’s hand, and even as Madam Jin tries to usher him away, she doesn’t let go - and, well, Zixuan’s entire life philosophy that that point essentially boils down to “A-Li gets what A-Li wants”, so for the first time ever he properly stands up to his mother and tells her in no uncertain times that tradition and propriety can get fucked, he will be staying at Yanli’s side until she tells him to go. he’s with her holding her hand for every single birth :) 

Gutcanon: for their kids, they are those very very embarrassing lovey-dovey parents who do disgusting things like treat each other with respect and hold hands on walks, like, kiss each other at breakfast. early on in their marriage Zixuan actually gets down on his knees and swears an oath that he will never, ever treat her the way his father has treated his mother - that even if they fall out of love, he will never be unfaithful to her, and will always give her the honour and respect that she deserves. he keeps that oath.

Junkcanon: ...do I even need to say? I think the entire fandom has entirely agreed that Yanli is in charge in bed. A-Li gets what A-Li wants, after all, and Zixuan is a-okay with that. (Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian are so incredibly fucking lucky that, due to dad-related-trauma, Zixuan prefers to keep his sex life completely private, because the POWER he holds over them... the psychic damage he could deal to them in, like, three words......)

Spleencanon: THEY LIVE LONG AND HAPPY LIVES AND HAVE A WHOLE ARMY OF SMALL CHILDREN THAT THEY GET TO SEE GROW AND FLOURISH AND WITH JGY’S TERRIFYING POLITICAL PROWESS (and undying loyalty, once he realises JGS is a piece of shit and not worth it) THEY COMPLETELY REFORM THE VIPER’S NEST OF JINLINTAI AND YANLI GETS TO SEE BOTH BROTHERS HAPPILY MARRIED AND ZIXUAN GETS TO FIGURE OUT HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH HIS SIBLINGS AND BE A GREAT DAD THE END

[not-rude-ginger]

Writing to let you know I am in love with your writing. Also in love. And also weeping. Also so happy. your power is unimaginable and magnificent. Lotus pier being invaded - inundated - part 2. Ahh. Jin ling and jiang cheng being reunited. Them running to hug each other. Ahhh. Confrontation w wen ning. Ahh. Wei wuxian picking jiang cheng first. Ahhh. Everyone finding out jiang cheng is pregnant. Jiang cheng sharing hes been hurt before to someone who admires him so so much. Lotus pier having a barrier ready and pulling jiang chengs core bit by bit. Literally crying every type of way this whole chapter thank you so much 😭😭😭

*holds out tissue box*

Thank you for the lovely message! I'm so nervous about the next chapter, I really hope everyone likes it.

And I will take any opportunity to get JL and JC to hug. JL deserves all the Jiujiu hugs in the world.

[mitiass]

“the untamed” acting ranking

I’ve been a “Mo dao zu shi” fan for a while now but only recently I’ve finished watching “The Untamed”. The show has brought me lots of fun and I genuinely enjoyed watching it. I tend to find the ‘asian style of acting’ more cringey at the times (like yk for example those Indian dramas...) but I was positively shocked with how good the acting is in “The Untamed” so I’ve decided to praise my favourites online.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language; I’m not a professional nor do I have any experience with acting (except for middle school theatre club but yeah...); the ranking contains spoilers; this is only my opinion and I’ll be more than happy to see you sharing your rankings!

1. Jin Guangyao played by Zhu Zanjin

I think that many people would agree with this one. He made it hard for others to beat him when it comes to acting. Not only did he have a hard role but also he managed to make a support role into one of the most eye-catching characters. He made an incredible job with all the facial expressions. Especially I loved the moments when he acted angry/sad but then immediately turned back into smiling (off topic but he has a gorgeous smile). The smile itself was also very special, it showed how much his character was rather mysterious and suspicious than genuine and kind. Many times I caught myself taken aback by all the gestures and movements that reflected Jin Guangyao’s personality perfectly. The last episodes when we got to know more about Mengyao’s intrigues and his past were more than a pleasure to watch. Basically Zhu Zanjin carried the show even though the character he played wasn’t the main one. (pls i can’t shut up about how good Zanjin’s acting was)

2. Wei Wuxian played by Xiao Zhan

He would’ve been on the first place if not for Zhu Zanjin. Of course he had been picked for a main role for a reason. He had lots of hard scenes to play. Some of them were more aggressive, some more moving, touching and some funny. He gave in all of those scenes his all and it shows. Although some of his scenes I found ‘cringey’ he did an amazing job capturing Wei Wuxian’s personality, style of being and facial expressions. I fell in love with his mischievous smiles, smirks and chuckles. Just as perfectly as he gave away Wei Wuxian’s funny side he also acted just on the point in more serious moments. I’m not the type to cry while watching movies, TV series or anime but some of the touching, moving moments made my vision go blur. The scene on Burial Mounds when he couldn’t do anything when Wen Qing, Wen Ning and the rest of still alive Wen sect were giving themselves away to other cultivators made me cry a lil’ bit. Xiao managed to make all the scenes move me deeply. Sometimes I felt heartbroken, sometimes pissed off, sometimes I laughed so hard i couldn’t catch a breath and sometimes his acting made me feel warm. Xiao Zhan really deserved the main role. Not only his amazing and helpful skills as an actor (like memorising his lines very fast) but also the fact that he managed to evoke so many emotions in me whitin those 50 episodes, are the cause why “The Untamed” is such a high quality TV series.

3. Xue Yang played by Wang Haoxuan

Wang Haoxuan played one of the darker characters and he did it perfectly. Xue Yang himself is also a very well-written character. After we get to know his backstory, even though we hate him for all the things he’s done we cannot decide whether to still despise him or pity him instead. He’s just that type of a villain. But now, about the acting, there’s the similar situation like with Jin Guangyao. I just fell in love with the facial expressions and body language. Xue Yang’s evil smirks, posture and gestures just scream ‘menace behaviour!’. I totally fell in love with Haoxuan’s acting during the ‘blind girl arc’, especially that one scene when Xue Yang cried after Xiao Xingchen’s death even though he was long-life enemies with Xingchen and Song Lan. It is quite common in many books, series, movies, etc. that villains are better written characters personality and backstory-wise than some of the main protagonists and “The Untamed” isn’t an exception (maybe except for wei wuxian:]]).

4. Jiang Cheng played by Wang Zhuocheng

Even though I found Zhuocheng’s acting rather awkward quite often I still placed him on the 4th place because he really deserves it. I think that Jiang Cheng is one of the hardest characters to play with all his strong facial expressions and bold, effective movements. Zhuocheng captured Wanyin’s temperament perfectly and countenance was mostly just on point although sometimes a little bit too much. Also Jiang Cheng had quite a lot emotional scenes with lots of crying involved and he did and amazing job going through them. For example one of my favourite scenes of all(!!) was this one when they were kind of held hostage by Jin Guangyao and Su She and they talked about Wei Wuxian giving his golden core to Jiang Cheng. I was entirely moved when Wuxian brushed away Jiang Cheng’s tears.

Special mention: Lan Wangji played by Wang Yibo

Of course I wouldn’t ignore Yibo’s acting, it’s just, I couldn’t place him anywhere in this ranking since his acting is quite special. He had to play more of a gentle and peaceful character while others had a lot of strong facial expressions and sudden movements. Wang Yibo had a hard job since he had to act more with some subtle body language. Also he had a lot of fighting scenes which are really difficult to act since battling with a blade is not so common these days. He did an amazing job and in my opinion he just fits perfectly to the role of our beloved Lan Zhan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So there are the actors who really moved my soul and mind while I was watching “The Untamed”. Of course all the actors did a great job and I don’t want to forget about my ladies Wen Qing and Jiang Yanli and also about other characters like Lan Xichen, Nie Huaisang, Jin Ling, Lan Sizhui or Jin Zixuan who also had their moments of glory. I would be able to talk about everyone’s acting skills for hours and hours but the post would be just too long to go through it in one go. I really had a great time enjoying mdzs content and I hope you had too! :]]

[ibijau]

How to woo a Lan pt2 / On AO3

Jin Ling takes a walk with his dog, reminisces on the past, and gets a brilliant idea

It took Jin Ling the better part of two weeks to remember the idea he had nearly had that night, after he’d accidentally insulted Lan Sizhui. He’d just been so busy that entire time, with more problems arising from that haunting they’d dealt with (Jin Ling had to write to Wei Wuxian, who in turn sent word to the person who had initially reached out to them). Then there had been councils, and bills for a change, and some trouble with a disciple who’d tried to take advantage of his position to harass some girls in town, and just about a billion more things that had kept Jin Ling impossibly busy.

Even that particular afternoon when the idea returned to him, Jin Ling was supposed to be working. He was trying to see if there was any way to reorganise the way Lanling Jin was run so certain people who had profited a little too much from Jin Guangyao’s less savoury decisions would be pushed aside, and that meant gathering a lot of proof of their suspected corruption (bills, mostly. It always came back to bills. Jin Ling was in hell). Jin Ling was trying his best, and he’d been very serious all morning, but by lunch time he had a raging headache and decided he deserved at least a little bit of fun.

The most fun Jin Ling could think of having on a bad day was to spend time with Fairy, so he went to get her. The poor old girl barked happily at him when he came near her pen, and ran around him for a few minutes when he freed her. The man in charge of Lanling Jin’s spiritual dogs wanted to order her to stop and behave, but dared not to so when Jin Ling himself was delighted by his dog’s happiness. So what if Fairy wasn’t always as serious as expected? She was a good girl who had more than proven she knew how to behave when it was really important. Other people might say she was spoiled, but they said the same about Jin Ling anyway, so at least they were well matched.

When Fairy had calmed down, Jin Ling went out into the gardens with her, figuring they could both use the chance to stretch their legs. While walking, he gave her orders in and there, just so he could say he was training her, should anyone bother him. But in all honesty, he just wanted to relax a little and have fun with the one friend he had who didn’t care that he always said the wrong thing.

Although their walk didn’t have any particular aim, Jin Ling soon realised that they seemed to be heading toward the aviary. He hesitated for a moment, fearful Fairy might scare the birds, before deciding it would be excellent training. A good spiritual dog had to know how to ignore distractions… and Jin Ling liked the birds well enough, if only because he’d heard his father used to keep some, back in the days. Jin Zixuan, he’d heard some people whisper when they thought he couldn't hear, had been the sort of person more at ease with animals than people. Nobody would actually say it directly, but Jin Ling strongly suspected that he’d inherited his people’s skill from his father... though at least Jin Zixuan had been universally liked in spite of it, or so he'd been told. Jin Ling wasn't so lucky.

It was nice, in the aviary. A little noisy, sure, and the smell took some getting used to, but it was very quiet and there was rarely anyone there these days. Jin Guangyao hadn’t been very keen on animals, so he had kept only enough birds to show status, and the person in charge of those birds had other tasks to keep them busy, so the aviary was often empty of any humans. It had made it a good hiding place, when Jin Ling had been younger and slightly more temperamental than he currently was.

When Fairy started whining and growling at the birds, Jin Ling ordered her to stay put and continued walking alone among the cages.

He used to hide in that place a lot, back in the days. There were a few good spots, like between those two high cages… Jin Ling remembered getting in that little dark space when he wanted to avoid all adults, and sitting among the birds for a shichen or two until everybody was too worried over his disappearance to think of scolding him anymore. And he wasn’t the only one who had noticed what a good hiding place the aviary was, because one time…

Jin Ling gasped as the memory returned to him.

He’d been… ten, maybe eleven at most. Jin Ling couldn’t remember what trouble he’d caused that time, but Jin Guangyao had been particularly cross because they’d had guests, and Jin Ling had been his usual temperamental self, but in front of a whole bunch of sect leaders. Except Jin Ling hadn’t meant to cause a scene (he rarely did, even then) so he’d been upset at being scolded so harshly when he didn’t understand what the big deal had been… and he’d run away after shouting something awful about hating his uncle.

The aviary had been a good place to hide, as it so often was. Jin Ling had gotten into his nice little dark spot unseen, and prepared himself to wait however long it would take for everyone to calm down about what happened.

After a little while, two people had entered the aviary. Jin Ling hadn’t seen their faces right away, but cold sweat had run down his back when he’d recognised their voices.

“I really don’t think Jin Ling will have run here,” he’d heard Lan Xichen say in a very odd tone, quite different from the usual way he spoke.

“Really?” Nie Huaisang had replied, half laughing. “But I think it’s worth checking anyway, gege.”

Lan Xichen had laughed too. A real laugh, not just something polite.

It had been so odd to hear those two laugh, Jin Ling recalled. Back then, Lan Xichen had barely seemed like a real person to his childish mind. He was the mighty Zewu-Jun, practically an immortal already, aloof and always calm, and he didn’t just laugh like that. As for Nie Huaisang, he was always sad and pitiful, nothing at all like this laughing and teasing young man Jin Ling could hear but not quite see at that point.

Jin Ling had hesitated to leave his hiding spot to check if it really was them, or demons having taken their form… but if it was them he would have been punished, and if it was demons they’d have eaten him, so staying hidden had seemed more prudent.

He’d heard movement then, the rustling of fabric, and Lan Xichen gasping.

“Huaisang, not here,” Lan Xichen had said, trying and failing to sound scolding. “If someone were to come…”

“No one ever does,” Nie Huaisang had retorted. “I know, I used to come hide here when da-ge dragged me to conferences. It’s just us, gege, and I haven’t seen you in so long…”

“We’re meant to look for Jin Ling, A-Sang,” Lan Xichen had complained, sounding almost whiny.

Nie Huaisang had laughed again, and now he was coming into view for Jin Ling.

It might have been better to not see that, Jin Ling had thought at the time.

Because what he’d seen, then, was Nie Huaisang smiling widely, walking backward, pulling Lan Xichen by the collar. And Lan Xichen, who surely could have resisted if he hadn’t liked this, was following willingly, eagerly even, his eyes burning until he suddenly grabbed Nie Huaisang by the waist and he…

And they…

Jin Ling remembered crying out in surprise.

He hadn’t been used to adults kissing, or anyone at all really. His uncles had both taught him to be careful about showing affection, because of his status as sect heir, and they’d both made it clear to him that only married people should kiss.

Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang weren’t married, Jin Ling had known that. He hadn’t always paid enough attention to the lives of grown-ups around him, but Lan Xichen had been in Jinlin Tai all the time, and Jin Ling had heard both Jin Guangyao and Qin Su offer to help their friend find himself a suitable bride. They’d also offered the same to Nie Huaisang, and talked sometimes between them of how it might help lift the permanent gloominess of character that had taken over him since his brother’s death.

“Oh, shit,” he’d heard Nie Huaisang say, and somehow that had been the last drop for Jin Ling who had broken into tears.

It had taken Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang great effort to get him to calm down, and more still to convince him to get out of his hiding spot. But by that point they’d been back to their normal selves, Nie Huaisang a pitiful, panicky mess, Lan Xichen radiating calm to the point it became contagious.

“Jin Ling, will you do me a favour?” Lan Xichen had asked when the little boy had been standing in front of him. “What you saw just now… can you keep it a secret?”

Jin Ling had hesitated, still sniffling a little.

“It’s forbidden to do that,” Jin Ling had said, remembering his weird bastard uncle, the one they’d kicked out some years before. “Only married people can, and two boys won’t marry. Are you going to be punished if I tell on you?”

“Cut-sleeves aren’t allowed in Jinlin Tai?” Nie Huaisang had gasped, going from pitiful to angry until Lan Xichen motioned for him to calm down.

“There was an incident a while ago, that Mo Xuanyu boy,” Lan Xichen had explained to his friend, before looking back at Jin Ling. “But Mo Xuanyu wasn’t punished because he liked boys, it was for being forceful about it. You understand the difference, A-Ling, don’t you?” Jin Ling had nodded, more to please that kind man than out of real understanding. “You are a good boy. To answer your question… no, we wouldn’t be punished, not really. But it would make some people unhappy, and we need more time to prepare for that. You understand, right?”

“Like when I break something and I don’t want to admit it right away, but if I calm down then I can tell jiujiu or shushu?”

Lan Xichen had nodded, smiling so gently that Jin Ling had been a little flustered.

Come to think of it, he’d always been a little weak to that kind smile the reallygood Lan had. So weak that he had promised to keep Lan Xichen’s secret, and had done so for years now, never thinking much about it again, never catching any sign of these two being more than friends. Maybe it had just been a fling between them, and that was why they hadn’t wanted to go public about it.

Considering everything that had happened, Jin Ling hoped for them that it had never been serious.

Still, as he walked among birds and reminisced about that incident, Jin Ling finally remembered that idea he’d very nearly had two weeks before: if he wanted to seduce a Lan, he needed the help of someone who had done it before. This meant either Wei Wuxian, who was awful and unbearable and hadn’t realised Lan Wangji liked him until Jin Guangyao told him while holding him captive, or…

Or Nie Huaisang, who hadn’t seemed to be having any trouble figuring out on his own how to get a Lan to like him, judging by what had happened some years before.

With the beginning of a plan forming at last, Jin Ling returned to Fairy's side to give her all the petting she deserved. If his hunch was the right one, then he'd be even busier than before in the weeks to come, so better give his dog a lot of affection while he could.

[tangledinmdzs]

no tears left to cry, junior quartet hcs

juniors reacting to you crying over them

° 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ₒ 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ° ° 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ₒ 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ° ° 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ₒ 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 °

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　Lan Sizhui　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

when Sizhui sees the two big drops cascade down your cheeks, he wanted to jump out of bed right then and there

but he couldn’t, not with his arm in a cast

and his body feeling weak overall

but it physically pains him when he catches the way your breath hitches as your tears fall

and the fact that you were trying to hold it in

hide your tears from him

“y/n...” Sizhui beckons to you where he’s leaned on the headboard of his bed

you’re sat at his bedside, closer than he ever imagined but still out of hand’s reach

and you’re avoiding his eyes, looking at the floor as if that would hide the fact that you’re crying

“y/n, come here” he asks again and you wipe roughly at your tears before scooting a millimeter closer to him

but that small millimeter seems to be close enough for him to use his renewed strength and pull you into his chest

you fall unceremoniously into his open arms, and with the wetness of your tears on his chest, there’s no hiding it now

“i’m okay... i swear” Sizhui reassures you, bringing his other hand to hold the back of your head

at his voice you get a bit more strength to hold back your remaining tears, sniffling before sitting up a bit away from his chest

you don’t leave his arms though

“i was...really scared” you say, blinking away the blurriness of the water in your eyes

the rapid blink of your eye causes another stray tear to fall, but Sizhui catches it when his thumb goes up to hold your cheek

“shh, no more. i’m alright now, i’m here with you” Sizhui asserts, moving even his injured hand up to hold your face properly

you sniffle quietly, leaning gently onto his good hand

you bring your hand up to hold his wrists, looking to meet his eyes

“promise me, you won’t do something so reckless again...”

“please...” your voice is quiet as you ask,

and honestly you don’t know how you would feel if he denied his own safety-

“i promise... i won’t scare you like this again,” Sizhui promises, looking at you straight in the eyes

you take in a shaking breath, managing a small smile at his promise

and he smiles at you too

because your face makes him reminiscent of the sunlight after a rainfall

and he would always take your smile over your tears

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　Lan Jingyi　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

“you’re always thinking about other people! don’t you ever think about yourself for once?” you shout

Jingyi levels his stare at you, getting into your space as he shouts back

“it’s never been about me! we go on these missions to save people! it doesn’t matter what happens to me!’

“how could it not matter! do you really think that you’re that insignificant!” you scream, pushing at him

the tears are falling from your eyes before you can stop it

and you push at his chest again

because this mission that he’d gotten from his clan’s elder is said to be the most dangerous one yet

darker than a night hunt

longer than a simple travel

and even though he’s been gifted a strong team, going to be accompanied by his friends, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re scared for his safety

your breath hitches as you continue to cry, pushing heavily at his chest

he lets you push at him a few more times before he catches your wrists

the next time you make a push at him he pulls you into his arms, letting you hide your face there as you cry

“don’t cry like this for me... please y/n” Jingyi consoles when your cries soften

his voice is deeper, rumbling with your ear pressed to his chest

you shake your head, burying your face into his chest 

with you in his arms, he holds you tight, realizing that he might not be able to do this for a long time

“i swear, the moment i take care of the mission i’m coming back here, you just need to wait for me” Jingyi swears

the moonlight spills down on both of your forms

counting down the hours until his departure

“you better come back alive,” you murmur into his chest, and even though he hadn’t heard clearly he felt every single word

Jingyi takes a deep breath, wrapping you even tighter in his arms

a quiet response

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　Jin Ling 　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

“and what would YOU know? about anything? about all that i’ve done?”

the words hurt even though you know that Jin Ling doesn’t really ever mean every single thing that he says

but because you had been the person by his side for such a long time

in the middle of all the deceits he was roped in

in between death and survival and numerous near death encounters

you always thought that you knew him best

yet you never thought that his frustrations as sect leader would manifest itself into such painful words

sat in the back gardens of Lanling, you feel isolated for the first time in a place that you had always known

the small lotus pond that’s nearby provides little comfort

and your tears continue to fall, even though you don’t make a single sound

they blur your vision, and subdue a lot of your other senses

so you don’t notice the swish of long robes

or even the gentle thump of someone sat down besides you

you don’t even believe the soft puff of air that you hear alongside the slight breeze 

“i... i didn’t mean to say all that i said to you before...” Jin Ling’s rough voice begins

you take in a quiet breath, hiding your hands by clenching them under the long sleeves of your robes

“...there’s been so much going on around me, in my sect, with my uncles. and it always seems like everything is either not going to happen or happening all at once. and... i never have enough time for you either” Jin Ling admits and turns to gauge your reaction

you’re not looking at him

but he is speechless when he catches the single drop that falls from your face onto your hands in your lap

at your tears, Jin Ling abandons his cold front, immediately going to kneel in front of you, trying to catch your face

because he can’t believe that

he’d made you cry

Jin Ling holds your hands in his, even when you look adamantly anywhere but him

“i don’t deserve your forgiveness” Jin Ling begins, because he’s reeling at how much you had been hurt by what he said 

“but i’m so sorry, y/n” Jin Ling apologizes, clutches your hand

your tears make him want to cry himself

reminds him of his father’s reputation

because of course he’s heard the stories, passed by the wind from ear to ear

how much his father had made his mother cry

and he thought he’d be different

but alas

“don’t say such...mean things to me, because i care about you... don’t you know that?” 

Jin Ling looks up at your voice

you’re still not quite looking at him, but you’re speaking to him

Jin Ling squeezes your hand in his, nodding his head at you

“i love you, i’m so sorry” Jin Ling apologizes again, leaning his head on your knees

and even though he doesn’t hear a response

he knows he’s on his way to being forgiven when he feels the squeeze that you give his hand

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　Ouyang Zizhen　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

“Zizhen!” you shout, panicked as he drops the bow and arrow

you quickly grab his hand, ignoring the way that the game master is asking if he’s doing well, or ‘alright’

there’s a pretty ugly gash from where the arrow back had sliced in his palm, and the red of the blood stains the frays of your robe sleeves from where you’re holding his hand

you let your body run on auto-pilot, dragging the young sect leader to a more empty part of the street festival and sitting him down on a few free steps

you run off to find a bandage and some medicine to clean the cut without another word, Zizhen not even having time to process the pain before you’re back and taking care of his wound

sat on the open steps of some store, you’re gentle as you dab the, luckily, skin level injury with medicine, wrapping it up with a nice clean bandage

you don’t notice the wateriness and worry of your own eyes until a single salty drop lands on ZIzhen’s freshly bandaged palm

Zizhen’s surprised, immediately tilting your face up from where it’s staring at his small injury to meet your eyes

at your tears he offers a worried smile,

“why are you crying?” he asks you gently, and brushes away another tear when you suddenly cry again

you shrug, blinking to keep the tears at bay only for them to fall quickly from your action

he laughs at your reaction, helping you to wipe away the tears that fall 

you swipe at your own face and the tears pass

with a sigh you regain a bit of your composure

you hold his injured hand in yours, tracing your small fingers against the wrap that you made

“i just hate seeing you hurt” you admit, quietly, feeling a bit embarrassed at your overdramatic reaction

Zizhen just huffs a soft, cute chuckle at you, laying his other hand on top of yours

his thumb traces against your own palm, reassuringly

“i’m okay, you take such great care of me,” Zizhen tells you, honestly 

but with the way he usually is, you have a hard time telling if he’s teasing you or what

at your cute little eyebrow raise, he brings you into a side hug, laying his head on top of yours when you lean into him close enough

only you, would care about him this much

Zizhen realizes

only you, would he care for just as much, actually return tenfold

[llycaons]

ep41 (2/2): cleansing really is that beautiful

jgy is really good at turning his genuinely unfortunate circumstances into sympathy points to skirt around responsibility. I do feel bad for him, I do understand his position. but he's not the only person here without power, and he's certainly only looking out for his own skin

and like nmj says, he's doing all this - crying and lying and manipulating - because he wants to keep a high social position. no other reason. and he admits it!

I find this argument so funny. like in fairness it's similar to the one that wwx brings up later but wwx and wn actually died and in wwx's minds, paid for their crimes already. jgy never did, and hearing him whine 'oh my god, I just killed a few people, are you're STILL bringing it up now???' is pretty funny

good point, jgy! nmj isn't entirely a bastion of flawless justice himself, but 1. he actually tries because he cares about it and 2. this conversation is about your crimes and diverting will not save you from him

oh, so poetic! so dramatic! look at that face!

OH DAMN!!!!!! CRIMSON PEAK MASTER COMEBACK

oh this is a good scene. correct response to 'their lives aren't worth as much as mine!' and a perfect example for people who genuinely think jgy is some hero of the working class. sorry, guys. he's only in it for himself and he;ll step on as many poor and margnalized people as he needs to in the process

bad manners, nmj :(

this was so cunty of him

idk I feel like there could have been a better translation for this

POINTING AT JGY!!! wow so yeah jgy is murdering him for no reason other than 'he kicked me out of the clan for killing his commander and yelled at me a lot :(' you would crumble into dust if you encountered a quarter of the hardships of the wens

holding baxia like that....

oh my god he's so off the rails

ohhh it that suibian I see 👀

okay this looks stupid but but it's my firm belief that this is proof wwx has at least a shadow of a golde core in his new body otherwise HOW COULD BE DO THAT

hiii sexy

it's so cute how he pulls himself up each step like that. he's so tiny!

and then all tucked out and flopping onto lwj's hand <3

so full of personality was this paperman that I forgot wwx had a real body to return to and I jumped when he reappeared on the screen. muppet effect

shoutout to lxc for trusting and believing his brother for this. you know if the situations were reversed lwj would glare him down for daring to suggest wwx was untrustworthy. and he'd be right but it's nice that lxc is so supportive

jin ling isn't easily intimidated, which is funny bc he keeps asking these perfectly reasonable questions like 'why are you trying to get into my uncle's bedchambers at night' and 'what is going on' and ignoring him/glaring at him doesn't work at all

oh you douchebag

I think su she's villainy is a bit dumb and jealousy is a weak and judgemental trait for a villain to even have but this shot makes him look like such a tool idc

personal highlights: I'm tired and I don't care much for nmj and jgy's situationship so let's make this short and sweet

meng yao's water carriers

meng yao's very smooth glide into a standing bow

meng yao's beautiful silver and white robes

meng yao deflecting questions about his intentions with "I'm just glad I...met...you 🥺'

nmj's side-eye to jgy during their brotherhood swearing-in

jgy's blatant and purposeful flirting

"I only killed a few people, can you PLEASE stop bringing it up still 🙄'

nmj yelling ASSHOLE and kicking jgy down the steps for saying he's better and more deserving than other people

sexy sexy suibian ♥

paperman!wwx going WHEW and flopping down onto lwj's hand very cute

[trilliastra]

our hands reaching out

[Modern setting Xicheng, very Lan Xichen centric. I also posted on my AO3 if you prefer reading there]

-

Two weeks after Jiang Yanli dies, Jiang Cheng disappears. He takes Jin Ling and simply leaves his house, his friends and   family behind.

He did not say a word, not even a call, a message to anyone.

Jiang Fengmian and Madam Yu stop looking after a month, Wei Wuxian takes a while longer and Jin Guangshan even more. Lan Xichen is ashamed to admit he did not help them, simply trusted that Jiang Cheng needed some time alone, that he would come back to them once he was ready.

A year pass and then three, five, six , and nothing changes. And, just like that, Lan Xichen has to face the utmost truth – Jiang Cheng is gone for good , and Lan Xichen doesn't know him as well as he thought.

–

Lan Xichen doesn't drink. He doesn't have the same problem as his brother, but he doesn't particularly enjoy the taste, but it is said that drinking helps one forget and tonight he just wants to forget everything.

Seven years. At this point he spent more time without Jiang Cheng than with him. So why is it so hard to forget? Why is it so hard to move on?

He takes another sip of the whiskey, lets out a humorless laugh. He knows why, it is in his blood. When Lans fall in love, they love forever . Why would Lan Xichen be any different?

He throws caution to the wind, decides seven years is enough and he deserves to have this drink and the next one and perhaps that entire bottle of tequila the bartender offered when he arrived.

It all hurts too much, his head, his body, his heart . He just wants to forget.

–

When he wakes up, the first thing he notices is the sunlight through the curtains. Lan Xichen closes his eyes, pulls the covers over his face and groans.

He supposes he deserves this, he knew what he was getting into, after all. But then the nausea hits and he has to scramble towards the bathroom. And that's when he realizes he is not in his house.

–

“Take this.” Wei Wuxian says, placing a painkiller and a glass of water in front of him. “Trust me, it helps.” He smiles and Lan Xichen feels like covering his eyes, his smile is that blinding.

Wangji sits next to his husband, watching Lan Xichen the entire time. He said good morning when Lan Xichen walked down the stairs and nothing else, but his eyes are worried, Lan Xichen can see and feels guilt settling in his chest when he realizes he caused this.

“I'm sorry.” Lan Xichen says. He has no idea how he ended up at his brother's house, supposes someone must have recognized him and called Wangji – he's thankful they didn't call his uncle. “I'll leave you as soon as I'm feeling better.”

He watches as his brother and his husband trade a worried glance, feels uneasy when Wei Wuxian finally sighs and turns back to him, expression filled with guilt.

“Xichen-ge,” he says, “do you remember anything from last night?”

Lan Xichen arches an eyebrow and forces himself to think about the bar, the countless glasses of alcohol he consumed. He remembers bits and pieces, a glass falling to the ground, a confused yell, his brother's face, tears . His own?

“I –” he shakes his head, ashamed, “not much.”

Wei Wuxian nods in understanding, but is Wangji who talks first. “Brother called me last night.” He says. “Crying.”

Oh, no. Lan Xichen closes his eyes, runs a hand over his face. This is humiliating.

“I am truly sorry.” He reaches out for his brother's hand, feels his heart swelling with affection when Wangji accepts the touch easily. Wei Wuxian really changed him, Lan Xichen couldn't be prouder of how far his little brother has come.

Wangji nods. “Brother,” he adds, “you're in love with Jiang Wanyin.” He says, as upfront as always. Lan Xichen startles so badly, he pulls his hand back, a gasp escaping his lips.

“I –” it is clear they won't believe him if he tries to deny, and what good would that make? He can blame the high levels of alcohol in his blood, but in reality, this is a secret he was tired of keeping, “yes, I am. Still.” He admits, finally. If only he could have done that sooner.

This time it is Wei Wuxian who takes his hand. “I'm sorry, Xichen-ge. If only I knew .” There are tears in his eyes and he notices Wangji's hand on his back, supportive, loving .

“Wei Wuxian, there is nothing to be sorry for.” He tries his best to give him a reassuring smile. This is not his fault. “He left and –”

“No, it's not that!” Wei Wuxian shakes his head frantically, takes his phone and forces Lan Xichen to hold it. “Xichen-ge,” he points at the phone, “I know where he is.”

Baffled, Lan Xichen blinks down at the phone in his hands, almost drops it when he finally sees the photo.

Lan Xichen thought about him almost every day, dreamed about Jiang Cheng's smile, his beautiful eyes, but in his imagination, Jiang Cheng still looks the same as he did when he was eighteen. That same mischievous smile, the annoyed expression that Lan Xichen always found endearing.

This picture – this is the real Jiang Cheng. Older, hair longer, his smile isn't as big as it used to be, but he looks happy as he waves at the camera, holding a little boy that Lan Xichen assumes is Jin Ling.

Oh , gods. Lan Xichen collapses on the closest chair, holding the phone so tightly it could break. “How?”

Wei Wuxian sniffles audibly, sits on the chair next to him. “I'll tell you.”

–

“He wanted to leave, even before-” Wei Wuxian trails off. Lan Xichen nods, he's always known how hard it was for Jiang Cheng at his house, his relationship with his parents toeing the line between neglect and abuse. He never voiced his complaints but it was obvious to anyone who was close enough to see. Especially when they knew his siblings as well.

Jiang Yanli getting married, Wei Wuxian going to college and all but moving in with Lan Wangji only worsened Jiang Cheng's situation.

“And when jiejie died,” ha pauses, closing his eyes as more tears begin to fall, “he knew Jin Guangshan would try to take Jin Ling away. We all know he tried.” Lan Xichen nods, Jin Guangshan went insane when Jiang Cheng vanished, there are rumors about him cursing at his servants, throwing furniture around and then getting drunk for days. But there was nothing he could do, really. Jiang Cheng is Jin Ling's legal guardian, the police wouldn't accept his attempts at reporting the boy missing.

He says as much out loud and Wei Wuxian nods. “That's where Jin Guangyao walks in.” Lan Xichen frowns. “Jin Guangshan hired a private detective, one of the best, but he never actually met with him. It was always Jin Guangyao.”

That is the part that always confused him. Jiang Cheng isn't a spy or a master of disguise, a private detective could have found them, but nothing came back despite Jin Guangshan's many attempts.

“Without Jin Ling, Jin Guangshan had no heir, except for Jin Guangyao.” Wei Wuxian explains and Lan Xichen closes his eyes again. He was so stupid, how could he not have noticed it before? After Jin Guangshan died, Jin Guangyao did inherit most of his assets. He turned the company around, practically doubled their profits in a year and is living happily in his mansion.

He stopped looking for Jin Ling as soon as Jin Guangshan was cremated and they never talked about it. Lan Xichen still trying to mend his broken heart and Jin Guangyao, he had assumed, had given up after trying for all those years.

It all makes sense, except for – “so how do you –” he asks and watches as Wei Wuxian lowers his head. Lan Xichen has never seen him like this before.

“I've always known.” He admits finally, voice small and shy. Lan Xichen takes a deep breath, closes his eyes to try and calm himself. He feels the anger bubbling inside him, closes his fists so tight he feels his nails prickling the palms of his hands.

“Wei Wuxian –” he says, takes a look at his brother, feeling wronged, betrayed. Wangji looks as confused as he feels and Lan Xichen understands then, that he also didn't know. Seven years married and Wei Wuxian kept this a secret from him as well.

“I'm – I'm not sorry about lying.” Wei Wuxian says, raising his head and giving them a defying look. “I made a promise to my brother.” He points out, turning to Wangji. Lan Xichen knows from the look on Wangji's face that his brother has already forgiven him. And he also knows – deep inside his heart – that there is nothing to forgive in the end.

There is nothing he wouldn't do for his brother, after all.

“I am sorry for not noticing before.” Wei Wuxian insists. “If only I knew you are in love with him – Xichen-ge, if only I –”

“Brother hid it very well.” Wangji interrupts, taking Wei Wuxian's hand but keeping his eyes on Lan Xichen. He doesn't sound angry, never does. His eyes are soft, but there's sadness in them.

Wangji feels sorry for him. Gods, how pitiful.

“Wei Wuxian,” Lan Xichen says after a moment, suddenly feeling like he's aged twenty years in the span of an hour. He's so tired of running from his feelings, hiding them because he's afraid of facing rejection, of losing a friendship. It was his apparent disinterest that led Jiang Cheng to feel backed into a corner, without another option but to run away to protect his most treasured person. Alone, “where is he?”

–

Jin Ling is on the yard when Lan Xichen arrives at the farm. Well, animal sanctuary, he corrects himself. Jiang Cheng was studying to be a vet when Jiang Yanli died and to be able to raise Jin Ling without help, he had to drop out of school.

“He works at an animal sanctuary now.” Wei Wuxian had said, showing him more and more pictures of Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling and the animals he works with – foxes (Wei Wuxian did not save the pictures of the wolves, he admitted, pulling a face), deers.

Lan Xichen is glad that he's still doing something he loves, even if it's not what he always dreamed about.

He parks the car, takes a moment to watch Jin Ling. The boy has a puppy with him and he seems to be teaching it how to play fetch, throwing a purple ball for the puppy to catch. It seems to be going well and Jin Ling always makes sure to give the dog a treat when it brings the ball back.

Lan Xichen startles when a man steps outside the house, waving for Jin Ling to get inside. When the boy doesn't immediately obey, the man goes to him, picks him up and throws him over his shoulder. The boy shrieks with laughter and the puppy follows them, yapping happily.

He doesn't realize he started crying until he feels the tears running down his cheeks.

They look happy, like a real family. A family Jin Ling lost at such a young age, a family Jiang Cheng never really had.

He watches Jin Ling squirm and Jiang Cheng put him down, running a hand over his hair. Jin Ling throws the ball again and when the puppy brings it back he smiles up at his uncle, chest puffing out proudly. Jiang Cheng smiles at him and Lan Xichen can clearly see him mouthing the words 'good job' at his nephew who smiles even brighter and throws himself at him.

Jiang Cheng accepts the hug with ease and Lan Xichen feels his heart swell with love. Oh, how he wishes he could have been there to watch him grow as a parent, to watch this little boy break down all Jiang Cheng's walls and help him accept that affection is something good and not a weakness. That love should be given freely and not earned through excellent grades or good behavior.

Lan Xichen doesn't know how long he stays inside the car, drinking on the sight of Jiang Cheng after so many years. He's a man now, not a eighteen-year old, and all his features are the same but more defined by the years. Lan Xichen stares at his broad shoulders, admires the curve of his neck, the cut of his jaw, gazes up to his mouth and when he reaches his eyes, Lan Xichen finds them looking at him.

–

“Wei Wuxian told you?” It's the first thing Jiang Cheng asks, defensive, when Lan Xichen finally steps out of the car and walks towards him.

“Yes.” He answers, stops a few feet away from them. Jiang Cheng stands in front of Jin Ling protectively, and Lan Xichen feels his heart drop to his stomach. What was he expecting, anyway? “How are you?” He starts, friendly, looks down at Jin Ling and smiles. “Hello.”

“Jin Ling, inside.” Jiang Cheng orders and the boy all but scrambles to obey. Lan Xichen closes his eyes, almost brings a hand to cover his heart. He wasn't expecting to be welcomed with open arms, but he was not expecting this level of hostility either. “What do you –”

“I missed you.” Lan Xichen confesses and watches as Jiang Cheng takes a step back, surprised. “Gods, I missed you so much.” He can't help but reach out to take his hand, to make sure he is really there, so close.

He knows Jiang Cheng will not come back with him, will understand if the other man doesn't ever want to see him again after this, but he waited, hoped, to do this for so long, Lan Xichen cannot help himself.

“You disappeared. It was like you died, Jiang Cheng, I –” he closes his eyes again, when everything feels too much, “I miss you.”

“After all this time?” He hears Jiang Cheng ask, looks at him just to find Jiang Cheng's eyes filled with tears, a mirror of his own. “I never dared to hope you could –”

“Yes.” Lan Xichen answers immediately, steps closer. He doesn't dare pull him into a hug like he's been wanting to, but just this – the warmth of his body so close to Lan Xichen's – is enough. “I love you. I always did.” He lets out. “After all this time – I never stopped.”

Jiang Cheng throws his arms around Lan Xichen's shoulder and collapses against him with a soft sigh. “I missed you, too.” He confesses against Lan Xichen's neck.

All his senses are Jiang Cheng, his voice, his touch, his scent. It is overwhelming in the most perfect way, Lan Xichen never wants to let go. And he never will, he promises himself, makes a mental note to tell Jiang Cheng as much.

Now that he finally found him, he will make sure to keep him forever.

[offaeandcreation]

Metanoia

Summary: 

Metanoia: a transformative change of heart.Wen Ruohan wakes up in the body of a young man by the name of He Su within an ominous array. Two orders mark his arm with bloody gashes: destroy Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao. Xue Yang was easy. He was already dying, a simple stab to the neck while he was occupied did the trick. The latter though, slightly trickier.

Warning: Mild Gore 

Part of the MDZS/CQL Rarepairs Lightning Round: February 2021

For: @ehyde 

AO3

Rain pitter-pattered on the rice paper umbrella, dripping down in rivets off its edges. Lightning flashed in the sky, outlining the temple in jagged black lines. Wen Ruohan remained just outside the entrance, boots already soaked through and shivers raked at his spine.

Stupidly weak body.

Not for the first time such words echoed in his mind, nor the last. One moment he was in his throne room, a cry caught in his throat as Meng Yao sliced his neck, the next he lay in a pit wearing hemp rags, surrounded by an ominous array and a note. A sharp prick on his wrist forced his gaze downward. He freed his pinky of his busy hand to slowly peel back the grey hemp sleeve. Even in the dark, fragmented by the roar of heaven’s whip, the dark oozing gash contrasted with pale skin. Dried blood wrapped around his wrist like a shackle. The original gash, one of the two remaining. It had grown several cun since the last hour. And so to have its brothers.

Dammit.

Wen Ruohan sighed—it took several months just to track down the first name on the brief list left by the summoner, and he killed him. Sort of. And now the second name, the last on the list, awaited within the very temple before him. Recently, Yu Ziyuan’s brat came gallivanting with that purple Zidian of his. All said brat needed was a subtle gesture towards the temple and the requirement would consider the kill Wen Ruohan. Truly it would have been far better if the outcome ended how he hoped—the gashes would disappear and he wouldn’t have to raise a hand, risk this new weak body of his against every cultivator inside that damn temple. Now he had no choice. Just like the summoner commanded.

He waited a moment, or two, counted up and down from twenty, before approaching.

As he approached, Meng Yao’s–no Jin Guangyao’s soft, sorrowful voice emitted from the temple, spoke as if he tore every word out of his throat. So earnest, almost begging in every capacity.

How cute.

In Nightless City, Meng Yao never spoke in such a ridiculous tone. Softly yes, but even at their first meeting, when Meng Yao lay face-first on the floor in a deep kow-tow, Jin uniform caked in brown dried blood, his voice held strength, forged from steel itself. The memory wrapped its fingers around Wen Ruohan’s throat, pinching much like the metal string did before cutting his head clean off. Wen Ruohan bit his tongue.

“DON’T MOVE!” Jin Guangyao cried out. No. Commanded.

Ah, there it is.

If appropriate, Wen Ruohan would clap his hands with glee.

What a spectacular performance! Tone so tearful and regretful, almost as if you were really sorry!

Jiang Wanyin roared, receiving a curt reply that Jin Guangyao hid his weapon in his own body.  

Wen Ruohan grinned. Clever. Very, very clever. In Nightless City, he would reward such genius. Anything Meng Yao asked, as Sect Leader he would deliver. Personally.

His wrist throbbed.

It’s time.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

His shoes squished against the wet floors, oozing water. The noise proved to be enough for every member inside to look towards him. Well, at least it wouldn’t force him to come up with a stupid one liner. Jiang Wanyin glared in his direction, a red bloodstain on his chest more than enough to explain why he had failed. The Twin Jades, both with their blades out, stared at him with owlish eyes—only differentiated by the different headpieces. A few others stood in different parts of the room, an obvious Nie-robed child lying uselessly on one side and an unfamiliar man holding down one of Jin Guangyao’s “friends.” And the man himself, standing right in the center of the chaos, red string wrapped around the neck of his own nephew who stood a few paces to the side.

Wen Ruohan lifted his chin high, forcing his lips from so much as twitching. He would much prefer Jin Guangyao to be the one in red.

“Sect Leader He?” Jin Guangyao asked, one eyebrow rising, “You-?” he sighed, molten gold eyes glazed with fatigue, “The letter was your doing, I presume.”

The others gaped at him. Mixture of surprise and even wariness in their gazes.

Wen Ruohan ignored the comment, closing his umbrella before shaking extra droplets over the dark floors in its own miniature storm. Silence hung between them, silk strings pulled taut, ready for snapping by a sharp fingernail.

“So that’s the name of this body,” Wen Ruohan replied, keeping his voice light, “and a Sect Leader no less.”

He couldn’t help the snicker that bubbled in his chest as Jin Guangyao’s eyes widened. Almost comedic. Like a newborn goldfish, all eyes and nobody.

“Then who are you?” The man holding Jin Guangyao’s friend interrupted, “Your words just now signal Sect Leader He summoned you, like myself, and you’re focused on Jin Guangyao and not on anyone else. What ‘demon’ has Sect Leader He summoned to seek revenge?”

All eyes slid back on him. Quite a few tilted their heads as if trying to figure out who he was.

“What does it matter?” Wen Ruohan stiffened, glaring at the two men, “I am simply doing what he requested.”

The unknown man narrowed his eyes, but said nothing.

Wen Ruohan took a step forward.

Jin Guangyao’s hand on the gold thread twitched. The Jin child whined.

“Jin Ling!” Several cried out.

“Not another step.” Jin Guangyao warned, intricate muscles in his hand trembling under the light.

Wen Ruohan made the gesture to look at the child. Big watery eyes. Reaching out to Jiang Wanyin, but neither was in any position to close the distance. Poor thing.

His arm throbbed a warning. He grasped the hilt of his summoner’s sword.

“He means nothing to me. Your threat is useless.” Wen Ruohan replied, gazing back at Jin Guangyao.

Jin Guangyao’s mouth slacked before pinching it shut, “A-Ling means a lot to the surrounding people. Aren’t you concerned what they will do if you threaten his livelihood.”

Wen Ruohan bared his teeth, a growl deep in his throat, “So be it.” The moment he ended his sentence, he yanked out his blade, running at Jin Guangyao–

A powerful arm wrapped around his waist. He barely made one step.

DAMN THIS SLOW STUPID BODY-

“I will not allow you to endanger Young Master Jin Ling, no matter your purpose,” Lan Xichen pulled him back, body-blocking him from his target.

Flames licked the back of his neck. His entire face as if on fire. If he was in his old body- if he had even just a smidge of his old cultivation base, this pathetic excuse of a Lan wouldn’t have been able to blink before Jin Guangyao was a stain on the wall.  

Lan Xichen glared down at him, looking more like Lan Qiren than anything else, “Jin Guangyao will face trial for his crimes, and be judged accordingly.”

“If he doesn’t escape first,” Jiang Wanyin muttered.  

A roar tore itself out of Wen Ruohan’s throat, like a shattering sword. The edges of his vision turned red.

“He has you by the ropes. There is no way he is not escaping! And even if he somehow failed, what do you really know about Meng Yao to charge him? What can you say is true and false about him? About what he did? I bet you don’t know the extent of them!”

Lan Xichen had the gall to not even flinch, the only sign of any distress was the tightness around his eyes and the painful squeeze Wen Ruohan’s shoulders suffered, right against the ever-growing gashes no less.

“So you have some stones to throw then?” The unknown man replied.

Wen Ruohan’s throat burned like he drank liquid metal, “I never said I didn’t.”

“Regardless of your personal feelings, refer to Jin Guangyao with his proper name.” Lan Xichen cut in, voice stupidly steady and even, “he will be charged no more or less than deserved,” as if repeating that, Jin Guangyao somehow would fall into their hands even with their precious Jin Ling.

Wen Ruohan laughed. His voice cracked as if he ate sand, “Is that so?” He smiled, his cheeks throbbed from all the gnashing and bared teeth, “I have one question for you then. I heard Jin Guangyao kept…” Wen Ruohan trailed off, momentarily cutting himself out before accidentally directly revealing himself, “Wen Ruohan’s torture devices. Was there one metal instrument, eight teeth, with screws on each handle?”

“Er-Ge!” Jin Guangyao cried out, “Thats-!”

“Answer the question!” Wen Ruohan snarled at Lan Xichen, roaring over Jin Guangyao, “What did he tell you about it? How was it made?”

Lan Xichen’s face paled.

“It’s Wen Ruohan! He Su summoned Wen Ruohan!” Jin Guangyao shouted louder.

Several people cried out. Clatter of swords being unsheathed drummed in his ears. Wen Ruohan felt the tip of metal dig his neck.

“Let me guess,” Wen Ruohan continued, ignoring the prick of the sword’s point, “oh the terrible Wen Ruohan forced me. I had to complete the commission! It was the only way to get close!” He paused, staring at Lan Xichen, “sound about right?”

Not that his answer mattered. Not that Meng Yao didn’t complete commissions; that’s how he garnered Wen Ruohan’s attention.

Creative, pushing the human body to the limit in ways previously inconceivable.

This one, however…

They both had worked on it. Tinkering with the prototype. Leaning over the table so late in the night it might as well have been morning, under the light of a single candle, exchanging ideas, experiment notes, and kisses. Both of their geniuses birthed something so terribly beautiful.

How could Wen Ruohan forget the wide excited smile Meng Yao wore the day the glittered steel slotted perfectly between the prisoner’s rib cage? Even now, the smile wouldn’t leave him.  

“Well? Ask. Ask him to tell the story how that tool came to be. Right now.” Wen Ruohan hissed.

Lan Xichen turned slightly, facing Jin Guangyao. The man stared between his ‘Er-ge’ and Wen Ruohan, mouth opening before shutting, eyes slipping close.

“Is this what you chose?” Wen Ruohan glared at his former aide. Being forcibly held in place, there was little he could do but that.

Purple bags underlined Jin Guangyao’s eyes. Long lashes like staccatos of black against them.

“You chose someone who rejected you.”

How much weight did you carry all these years with Nie Mingjue breathing down your neck?

“and someone you never can show your full self?”

How much time did you spend hiding knives behind your back from your dear ‘er-ge’?

“You chose a father who already proved he would never love you?”

How much time did you spend slaving over thankless work? Talent unappreciated? Company insulted?

“Was it worth it?!”

You chose them over me?

His mouth promptly sealed. Any thoughts or comments cut off.

Lan Xichen’s brother, Lan Wangji if Wen Ruohan recalled, held his hand up as if just finishing the Silencing seal.

“Enough.” He said.

If the edges of Wen Ruohan’s vision watered, it was his own business.

“I’ll only ask this once.” Lan Xichen said, visibly angry, wrenching the blade out of Wen Ruohan’s hand, far stronger than the body he now lived in, “You will sit down and remain so until we finish with our business or we won’t hesitate to kill you.”

“Why not just kill the bastard now? Might as well.” Jiang Wanyin snarled. Jin Ling curled in his arms, eyes narrowed at him. It appears Wen Ruohan had distracted Jin Guangyao enough for the child to escape.

But in doing so, he himself failed.

The sword poking into his neck forced Wen Ruohan onto his knees. Everything throbbed. His sleeves and collar stained in blooming red Spider Lilies. Like little knives, the wounds borrowed into his skin. Much like the device they created together, tearing him from the inside without cracking a single bone.

What a sorry, deserving end. Would he keel over here, soul torn into pieces as He Su threatened?

Thunder shook at the entrance, shaking the entire foundation of the temple. The residents froze in place, all eyes landing to the front, the way which Wen Ruohan last entered through. The door bulged as more crashes followed.

Three.

Four.  

The wood shattered. A figure flew into the room, crashing into the floor. Lan Wangji and the unknown person ran to the figure.

“Wen Ning?!”

Wait, Wen Ning?

The thought stuttered to a stop as a dark silhouette loomed in the doorway.

“Brother!” the Nie child cried out.

Of course... Great timing…

The fierce corpse stepped in. The lantern light illuminated a scowling face, frozen in time.

Nie Mingjue.

All attention on him. Swords changing directions towards the fierce corpse.

Wen Ruohan’s eyes landed on Jin Guangyao. His face several shades lighter, figure trembling.

Great timing.

Nie Mingjue snarled, charging into the room. Wen Ruohan leaped, kicking Lan Xichen at the fierce corpse as he passed by.

“No-” Lan Xichen cried out, but forced to remain put to block an attack, sword barely stopping a hand from plunging into his chest.

Jin Guangyao turned to him, gold eyes recognizing, realizing-

“Too slow!” Wen Ruohan grabbed Jin Guangyao’s arm before he could wrap the damn string around his neck. His free hand flew to his neck.  

How it should end.

Wring his neck like how Jin Guangyao cut him.

An ironic and the only probable outcome between them-

His hand froze before so much as brushing Jin Guangyao’s skin.

Early morning teas shared over a text of ghost stories. Boring, filled with moralistic lessons meant for children. Except when Meng Yao told his own spin.

It wouldn’t move.

Private conversation over a single candle, paperwork stacked around them like a rice paper cage.

The gashes sting, claw like a loud buzz, demanding he finish the job-

The prisoner’s screams were only the drizzle. The tools Meng Yao gifted, or the ones they started making together, far more fun.

His hand doesn’t move. Twitch.

The thought of wrapping his hand around Meng Yao- Jin Guangyao’s delicate neck, pale skin changing to blue and purple...

His mind stuttered to a halt.

I love you.

A simple tap to the back of the head knocked Jin Guangyao out. The chaos brought upon by Nie Mingjue more than enough to easily sneak out. Wen Ruohan stumbled into the rain, soaked through instantly, and his gashes stung.

Tears poured down his cheeks.

A matter of time before he would return to nothingness again.

    This time for eternity.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

—————————————————————————

Jin Guangyao shivered in the cold. The rocky walls dug into his back. The hemp robes an almost nostalgic reminder of the fabric he wore in his youth. Back with his mother at the brothel, and after.

The guards would change shift about now. Silent. Forbidden to make conversation. Jin Guangyao blew into his hands. His golden core could keep him from freezing, but not much else. Perhaps when Er-ge–Lan Xichen returned, he would ask for blankets. Though Nie Huaisang might keep him busy, make the last living moments on this mortal plane as dreadful as possible. If he weren’t on the other end of Nie Huaisang’s revenge, he would have applauded. If still alive, Nie Mingjue wouldn’t have been pleased. Angry. Rightfully so. Why else would Huaisang need to go down this path if not against Jin Guangyao himself?

And Wen Ruohan. Summoned for revenge. The perfect opponent He Su could have possibly selected. Who but him would have the anger, the debt, to repay? And he almost did. Ran at Jin Guangyao with the full intention of snapping his neck. Then he stopped. Dark eyes, He Su’s, yet so his own in that broken expression of his. The same one he wore the moment Jin Guangyao pulled the string. Wide red eyes, brows pinched in shock.

The image creeps on him in quiet moments, when Jin Guangyao sleeps, when he works, a low gnaw and ache that never went away.

Wen Ruohan stopped.

Why?

A loud thunk echoed in the quiet chamber.

Jin Guangyao looked up. One guard shouted before going quiet.

Ah, so Huaisang sent an assassin then?

A figure approached the prison, footsteps clicking on the stone floor with the beat of an invisible drum. Jin Guangyao forced himself to his feet, knees trembling from disuse. If he died, he will die with some smidge of dignity.

The light from a sorry excuse of a window revealed the to-be assassin’s face.

Wen Ruohan.

“Are you here to finish me off?” Jin Guangyao couldn’t help the smile.

Wen Ruohan shoved a key into the door, the metal groaned as he yanked it open, “you would be dead already if I was planning on killing you.” No bite or venom. Just matter-of-fact.

Jin Guangyao blinked as Wen Ruohan shoved a robe at him.

“You can either come with me and leave this place behind, or stay and die,” Wen Ruohan said.  

He didn’t take the robe. “Why didn’t you kill me?”

Wen Ruohan snorted, “You won.”

Jin Guangyao narrowed his eyes, “Won?”

How in the world had I won?

Wen Ruohan’s expression the moment he reached for his neck. The anger. Or lack of it. So close to fulfilling He Su’s request. Yet, just when about to. He stopped. His eyes... not the same before he died. No. Too soft. Could it be…

Wen Ruohan smirked, eyes flashing with amusement, “So you figured it out?”

Oh.

But if the request remains incomplete, then-

Jin Guangyao tilted his head, “You intend to die after freeing me? I didn’t take you for a sentimental man, Wen Ruohan.”

Laughter. The same one that always burst out from him when it was just the two of them, deep in his chest. Unbridled and earnest. Wen Ruohan grabbed the edge of the wall to balance himself as he wheezed.

“Not quite,” He managed to say, “The requests were to destroy Jin Guangyao and Xue Yang,” Wen Ruohan recounted, “I killed one and you…” He closed his eyes. Lashes not as long as his old body’s, face not quite his, “I was ready to die and yet, after the temple, the marks disappeared,” He shrugged, “perhaps in all technicalities ‘Jin Guangyao’ is dead.”  

Interesting.

His eyes met Wen Ruohan’s. Already he missed how the red would change colors with different emotions: glinting with mirth, darkening with desire. These black eyes merely swallowed everything whole.

Looking over his shoulder into the dark hallway, Wen Ruohan warned, “We have little time. Someone is bound to notice the guards. Do me the favor and use that clever mind of yours to decide.” He held up the plain grey robe.

Jin Guangyao snorted, “Do you have a plan?”

“Does running count?”

So no plan. If they escape, they would both be fugitives. They may have a chance to run to Dongying. Leave the cultivation world. But it all was too quick. Would Wen Ruohan turn on him? He says he can’t hurt him now, but…?

“Do you still hate liars?”

Wen Ruohan snorted, smile glinting off the few rays of light that slipped through the hole above, “nothing I hate more.”

“Then?” Jin Guangyao offered.

“I’m willing to trust you.”

Jin Guangyao nearly stumbled back a step, jaw dropping, “Even after I-”

“Yes.” Wen Ruohan said. The mirth fell away; his expression neutral, that of Qishan Wen’s Sect Leader.

“Why?”

“You have nothing to hide nor to lose. Neither do I. I’ve seen you at your worst, and you’ve seen me.”

Not once had he lied.

“You aren’t under any obligation to stick with me once we leave,” Wen Ruohan continued, “If you feel safer going our separate ways, I will follow. If you want us to stay together…” A pause. His eyes fluttered close, throat visibly moving, “I would like that.”

Huh…

Wen Ruohan watched. Even with the occasional backward glances, he did not repeat his past warning. Hard to gauge his expression with the unfamiliar features. Perhaps it was a matter of getting to know him again.

“Dying was never my strong suit” Meng Yao accepted the robe with a flourish.

[bloody-bee-tea]

JC Love Month 2020 Day 6

Best Friend and Hope

Day 6 of JC Love Month brings some fake marriage for Mingcheng because otherwise JC might just lose JL. There also comes a confession of feelings with that fake marriage ;) 

Jiang Cheng is frozen. He knows he should move, knows he should stop Nie Mingjue from signing the document, but he can’t bring himself to do it.

Jiang Cheng knows that this is the worst thing he has ever done in his life—mostly because it’s going to affect Nie Mingjue’s life as well—but then Jin Ling gurgles into his shoulder and Jiang Cheng tears his eyes away from Nie Mingjue.

They have to do this. They have to do this, or Jiang Cheng is going to lose Jin Ling and he cannot bear for that to happen.

This is the only chance Jiang Cheng has.

“That’s it then?” Jin Guangyao suddenly asks and Jiang Cheng guesses Nie Mingjue is done signing the marriage license.

“Yes,” the officiant says, though he sounds as unhappy about it as Jiang Cheng feels. “Usually the couples kiss, though,” he then adds and Jiang Cheng goes cold.

Theirs is not a wedding out of love or even affection and Jiang Cheng really wishes that Nie Mingjue didn’t have to do all kinds of shit just so that Jiang Cheng gets to keep Jin Ling.

But Jin Guangyao is looking very expectantly at them as is Lan Xichen, though his look holds less of a challenge, and Jiang Cheng knows that they can’t talk their way around this.

“Of course,” Nie Mingjue says and then he turns towards Jiang Cheng, his face softer and more indulging than Jiang Cheng ever deserves, he’s sure of that.

“Come here,” Nie Mingjue mutters, before he tugs Jiang Cheng close. He frames his face with his hands—Jiang Cheng tries very hard not to think about how big they are and how perfectly they feel, cupping his cheeks like that—and then he pulls him close for a kiss.

Nie Mingjue is very mindful of Jin Ling, who is still blissfully sleeping through the whole event on Jiang Cheng’s arm, and then every thought flees Jiang Cheng’s mind, because Nie Mingjue brings their lips together.

It’s soft and almost fleeting, but it’s sweet enough that it brings tears to Jiang Cheng’s eyes.

This is everything he ever wanted and he got it all for the most horrible wrong reasons now and as soon as they are done Jiang Cheng turns away from Nie Mingjue.

“Oh,” Lan Xichen mutters and when Jiang Cheng looks at him—everything is safer than looking at Nie Mingjue right now—he sees a thoughtful look on his face. “I see,” Lan Xichen softly says and then tugs on Jin Guangyao’s sleeve. “Let’s go, A-Yao,” he says and while Jin Guangyao looks like he wants to rip Jin Ling right out of Jiang Cheng’s arms, he turns around and follows Lan Xichen out of the room.

“Well, that’s that then,” Nie Huaisang says, with much more cheer than this whole situation warrants in Jiang Cheng’s eyes, and he ushers them out of the room as well.

Jiang Cheng was very adamant that there would be no celebration—this is nothing to celebrate, in his eyes, and he is still in mourning after all—so he’s not sure what’s expecting them right now.

“Let’s go home,” Nie Mingjue says, one hand protectively at the small of Jiang Cheng’s back, and Jiang Cheng has to bite back some tears yet again.

He knows Nie Mingjue only agreed to this because Nie Huaisang is Jiang Cheng’s best friend, and Nie Mingjue never learned to say no to his little brother—even in life changing things. Jiang Cheng doesn’t know if he should be thankful for it or if he should hate it.

“I’ll leave you alone, so you can put him to sleep properly,” Nie Huaisang says, carefully stroking a finger down Jin Ling’s soft baby cheek and Jiang Cheng fights the instinct to snatch Jin Ling away from him.

Nie Huaisang is not going to take him from Jiang Cheng, he reminds himself. Nie Huaisang is the only reason Jiang Cheng gets to keep Jin Ling, after all.

Well, one of the reasons, because it’s only thanks to Nie Mingjue agreeing to his horrible plan that Jin Guangyao doesn’t get to be Jin Ling’s guardian.

“Thank you, Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue says when it becomes clear that Jiang Cheng is not going to find his voice any time soon and then Nie Huaisang is gone.

The ride home is a blur to Jiang Cheng, his mind going through all the consequences this decision will have for Nie Mingjue, and Jiang Cheng is very close to a panic attack by the time they reach their newly bought house.

Jiang Cheng didn’t want to live in the family home—it felt wrong, as the only remaining Jiang—so they sold it soon after the accident, and Nie Mingjue thought it would be better if they don’t subject Nie Huaisang to a wailing infant, so they bought a new house for them.

Jiang Cheng is sure he would like it, normally, but the circumstances make him hate it more than he can put into words.

Jin Ling makes an unhappy sound when Nie Mingjue stops the car, and before Jiang Cheng can react to that, Nie Mingjue is already there, taking Jin Ling out of his carrier. 

Jiang Cheng is too tired and still too full of grief to appreciate the sight of him carrying a small baby, but they are married now.

Jiang Cheng is sure he’ll get to see it again when he’s in a better headspace and then it’s bound to be as devastating a blow to Jiang Cheng’s feelings as it’s supposed to be.

“It’s okay, I can do it,” Jiang Cheng mutters, already reaching out to take Jin Ling from him, but Nie Mingjue pushes him towards the house with one hand, the other securely holding Jin Ling.

“It’s alright,” Nie Mingjue reassures him. “Let me do it for now.”

Jiang Cheng can’t find it in him to protest, but he vows to himself that it won’t be a regular occurrence. 

Nie Mingjue is already doing him a huge favour by marrying him; Jiang Cheng really shouldn’t unload even more duties on him than that.

“For now,” Jiang Cheng says and leads the way to Jin Ling’s room.

Nie Mingjue was the one who picked out most of the furniture in the house, since Jiang Cheng was too shocked by everything that happened to participate much. He likes what Nie Mingjue picked, but even if he didn’t, Jiang Cheng knows he would never tell Nie Mingjue. 

It’s his house, too. He should get to make some decisions, when he already couldn’t really choose who would live in it with him, or who he would marry.

Jiang Cheng can’t bear to watch Nie Mingjue put Jin Ling down, so he finally takes him out of his arms and then puts him into the crib himself, and Nie Mingjue lets him without commenting.

Jin Ling stays fast asleep, and the moment Jiang Cheng moves away from the crib he breaks down again.

“I’m so sorry,” he sobs out and immediately Nie Mingjue is there.

He pulls him into a hug, and simply lets him cry, like he did so many times in the past. Jiang Cheng has not been the most stable person lately.

“What are you sorry for?” Nie Mingjue asks when Jiang Cheng calmed down at least a little bit and Jiang Cheng is glad that his face is still hidden in Nie Mingjue’s chest.

“You can never divorce me,” Jiang Cheng says, because ever since Nie Mingjue put his signature on that damn slip of paper, he’s been thinking about it. “You can’t. If you do, they are going to take Jin Ling from me. You have to wait until he’s at least fifteen and gets a say in the whole matter or until Jin Guangyao dies.”

The last part startles a chuckle out of Nie Mingjue and he agrees easily. Too easily, considering the fact that Jiang Cheng is ruining his life.

“Alright. No divorce, then.”

Jiang Cheng’s mouth twists with how bitter he’s feeling, but there is nothing he can do to change it now.

If Jin Guangyao even suspects that they are not the happily married couple they pretend to be then he’s going to rain hell on Jiang Cheng and Jiang Cheng is not strong enough to stop him and his army of lawyers. 

If Nie Mingjue leaves him, then there’s nothing preventing Jin Guangyao from taking Jin Ling from him.

It was already a hard enough fight to get the court to agree to this; a stable family home with two married parents was the condition for Jiang Cheng to get custody of Jin Ling since he was admittedly a mess after he lost his entire family in less than a year.

He had barely started to cope with the death of his parents when Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan died in a more than suspicious car crash and Wei Wuxian disappeared that same night.

To say that it left Jiang Cheng reeling is the understatement of the year and the only reason he even somewhat pulled through is the fact that he had to care for Jin Ling and that Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang were there for him through it all.

And now they are forced to be there for him for the foreseeable future, if they want to or not. Jiang Cheng barely knows what to do with himself around Nie Mingjue, his crush on the other man nearly debilitating in its intensity, and every time Jiang Cheng reminds himself that Nie Mingjue only agreed to marry him to keep him from shattering completely it feels like he’s being sliced wide open.

But they are going to play a married couple now and they are going to do it well enough for Jin Guangyao to believe it because otherwise Jiang Cheng might just join his family if he loses Jin Ling as well.

“It will be fine,” Nie Mingjue says, and Jiang Cheng only somewhat belatedly realizes that he’s still pressed to Nie Mingjue’s chest.

He moves away, a telling flush rising on his cheeks, but Jiang Cheng scrubs a hand over his face and hopes Nie Mingjue will think it’s because of the tears.

He wants to keep his last shred of dignity, at least.

“I hope so,” Jiang Cheng whispers, his voice rough, and he turns back to the crib, where Jin Ling continues to slumber on.

Jiang Cheng only hopes he can protect his nephew.

~*~*~

Living with Nie Mingjue is a form of hell, specifically tailored to slowly drive Jiang Cheng insane.

Nie Mingjue is perfect.

He loves Jin Ling and dotes on him, but he’s also the only one in this house with any knowledge of child-rearing, so he takes the lead in a lot of things.

Jiang Cheng is eagerly soaking up every morsel of knowledge Nie Mingjue gives him and Jiang Cheng thinks he’s not half bad at caring for Jin Ling as well, even though he sometimes does burst into tears as well when Jin Ling is inconsolable.

Nie Mingjue never once held it against him and always very calmly consoles first Jin Ling and then Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng thinks it’s entirely unfair that he’s the only mess in this fake marriage but on the other hand he’s glad about it. If they were both messes no amount of fake marrying another could have prevented Jin Guangyao from taking Jin Ling away from Jiang Cheng.

But Jiang Cheng is very weak and very much in love and his heart can absolutely not take even one more single sweet gesture.

Jiang Cheng has to tell Nie Mingjue that he’s in love with him simply so he stops doing things Jiang Cheng is entirely unprepared to cope with and then he has to pray to all the gods Jiang Cheng knows that Nie Mingjue will still stay.

They don’t even have to share a room anymore; Jiang Cheng isn’t sure why they are doing it in the first place, but he was in no place to protest the first time it happened and then it simply kept happening, and Jiang Cheng thought the moment to bring this up had long passed.

But he keeps waking up with Nie Mingjue next to him, always curled towards him and on the very bad days he wakes up cuddled up to Nie Mingjue which is all kinds of bad.

It can’t go on.

“Wanyin, if you’re worried about something, put Jin Ling down, you can’t keep squishing him like that, he’s not a cat,” Nie Mingjue gently chastises him when he finds Jiang Cheng pacing in the baby room, Jin Ling in his arms and Jiang Cheng immediately gentles his hold.

“Am I hurting him?” he asks, frantically checking Jin Ling over, but he thinks that if Jin Ling was truly hurt or uncomfortable, he would be screaming his head off by now.

“No, but you can’t keep using your nephew as a prop,” Nie Mingjue says with a small smile and then simply takes Jin Ling from Jiang Cheng.

Who is left standing in the middle of the baby room, the love of his life cradling his infant nephew to his chest and Jiang Cheng has never felt more love than in that moment.

And it’s a problem.

“Please don’t divorce me when I’m done,” Jiang Cheng blurts out and effectively catches Nie Mingjue’s attention.

“I thought we already established that I wouldn’t?” he gives back and Jiang Cheng worries the hem of his shirt instead of answering him immediately. “Wanyin, what’s wrong?” Nie Mingjue asks, clearly picking up on the fact that this is not one of Jiang Cheng’s usual meltdowns.

“I know you did this as a favour to Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng starts and very deliberately doesn’t let his mind stray to the first and only time Nie Mingjue has kissed him, because that is so the wrong thing to think about at the moment.

“And I know we said this was for appearances only, so that I could keep Jin Ling,” Jiang Cheng goes on and he’s ashamed when he realizes that he’s shaking.

He has always been so weak.

“But?” Nie Mingjue prompts him when he doesn’t go on and Jiang Cheng takes one last deep breath.

“But I’m in love with you. I have been for a really long time, and I can’t do this anymore. I—you’re so attentive and sweet, and so good with Jin Ling and you allow me all kinds of liberties like sleeping next to you or holding me during a movie, but it’s not right. I shouldn’t be the one you give all of that to.”

Jiang Cheng is breathing hard, but he’s not yet done, even though he can’t meet Nie Mingjue’s eyes, not before he got it all out there.

“You can’t divorce me and we cannot take the chance of you taking a lover and Jin Guangyao finding out, so that really leaves you settled with me, and I am so sorry for it. I know you probably imagined your life differently than helping out your brother’s friend and losing all chances of a happy future for yourself, and I can never thank you enough for it, but it’s not fair to you at all, especially not because I never said a thing.”

“Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue says and his voice holds enough authority that Jiang Cheng’s eyes automatically snap up to him. “When I imagined marrying you, I always thought it would be because we’re in love,” Nie Mingjue tells him, and Jiang Cheng’s heart starts to race at those words.

The hope that blooms in his chest is a very dangerous thing, Jiang Cheng knows it, but he’s not strong enough to smother it completely.

“I thought you weren’t in love with me when you asked; you were desperate and grieving and it seemed like the only idea to you at the time. But I never agreed because you’re my brother’s friend. I agreed, because you’re Jiang Wanyin and I’m in love with you. I thought like this I would at least get to take care of you.”

“Oh,” Jiang Cheng whispers, blinking rapidly because Nie Mingjue’s words simply don’t compute.

“I love you,” Nie Mingjue says, softer this time, and Jiang Cheng sways forward.

It’s not a problem at all, because Nie Mingjue welcomes him readily, one arm already extended to him and Jiang Cheng melds against his body like he was made to fit there.

And suddenly a thought crosses his mind.

“Is that why Jin Guangyao hasn’t been pressing so hard anymore? Because Lan Xichen realized what you really felt when you kissed me that day?” he asks, because he remembers the little sound Lan Xichen had made and how he had tugged Jin Guangyao away.

“Yes,” Nie Mingjue says and presses a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s head.

“Why didn’t I realize?” Jiang Cheng mutters as he slings his arms around Nie Mingjue and he can feel Nie Mingjue chuckle.

“Because you were a little preoccupied with your kid and the loss of your family,” Nie Mingjue gives back.

“Our kid,” Jiang Cheng corrects him immediately and then prays for forgiveness from his sister.

“Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue whispers and Jiang Cheng reluctantly lifts his head to look at him.

It was a very comfortable spot to be in.

“All this time?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng nods.

“All this time,” he agrees. “Every time I woke up with you still in bed I thought I was dying. Every time you are just so amazing with Jin Ling I want to die on the spot because it’s the perfect picture. Every time you are more than good to me my heart hurts because I thought that was just how you are. But it’s not, is it?”

“No, that’s just for you,” Nie Mingjue nods and then he sighs. “I was trying to give you space,” he then admits. “I would have cuddled you more if I had known it was okay.”

“And kisses?” Jiang Cheng dares to ask, because by now he trusts this.

If Nie Mingjue says he loves him, then he does.

“All the kisses,” Nie Mingjue gives back and immediately leans down to kiss Jiang Cheng.

It’s just as soft as their first kiss, but it’s a lot sweeter, simply because Jiang Cheng knows that it’s mutual this time.

That Nie Mingjue really wants this, him. It’s a very good feeling.

“So, no divorce?” Jiang Cheng asks when they part again and he melts on the spot when he sees Nie Mingjue’s dimples as he smiles.

“Never,” he promises and Jiang Cheng believes him.

Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!

[spaceskam]

what are we made of but hunger and rage?

Summary: 5 times Jiang Cheng relied too heavily on Jin Ling + 1 time Wei Wuxian is there

Word Count: 14.1k

Warnings: questionable parenting, depression, grief, minor blood, mention of torture

ao3

I.

That first night, Jiang Cheng didn’t sleep.

It was almost funny. He’d assumed this round of grief would feel the same as the other, but it didn’t. This time, he felt numb from the start. The only thing that shook him from his haze was the faint cry of a baby who wanted it’s mother.

He wandered the paths of Koi Tower, the grounds feeling more complicated than he had words for. People were mourning and people were celebrating and people were sleeping and he couldn’t understand how they were managing to do it all. He could barely feel his feet. How did he get back here from Nightless City in the first place?

He stood outside the entrance to the room that was supposed to be tended to by servants. They were doing a shitty job. He would have them in the morning even though they weren’t his to fire.

Jiang Cheng pushed the door open and saw that it was all dark. He lit a few candles with the wave of his hand and the baby cried louder now that he knew someone was close by. He closed the door and took hesitant steps towards the bed.

He couldn’t tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing that the baby didn’t resemble his A-jie.

Carefully, with shaky hands, he picked up little A-Ling and held him to his chest. He probably held him a little too tight. Be gentle, A-Cheng, A-jie had said because no matter how old he was or how many battles he fought or how powerful he was, he was still young enough that he needed to be told to be gentle with a baby.

He held A-Ling a little tighter.

But A-Ling didn’t cry out or struggle or even act hurt. He seemed to clutch onto Jiang Cheng just as tight, his tiny hand wrapped around Jiang Cheng’s thumb with the same death grip he’d had the first time he’d held him. Maybe he knew, somehow. Maybe he needed it too.

Jiang Cheng let out a shaky breath and let his back hit the wall before he slowly slid down. He landed on the ground and bowed his head over A-Ling, not caring if it gave him perfect access to pull his hair. If anyone came in, he wasn’t sure they’d be able to tell he had a baby in his arms. Good. They’d need to get through him first.

When Jin Ling was born, Jiang Cheng had already decided he was going to protect him with his life. Hell, he decided that long before he was born. The protective feeling that brewed in his gut, melding with the grief and making him feel ill, was hardly anything new. But now it seemed like a much more important job. It wasn’t just him being an uncle anymore.

Surely Jin Guangshan and Madam Jin would both want to have a say in what to do now that Jin Ling, their heir, was an orphan. Jiang Cheng wasn’t going to make it easy. He had never been a fan of the Jin Sect‒he wasn’t really a fan of most people, truly‒and he had no intention of letting them be the primary influence on A-Ling. A-jie, as kind as she was, wouldn’t want that.

And he had no intention to do anything she wouldn’t want. Not anymore.

Tears, more of them, pricked Jiang Cheng’s eyes as he stared at his nephew. He was trying so hard to keep it together. He was so tired of breaking down, of feeling weak, of flailing under the weight of pressure. He was a fucking Sect Leader. He needed to be strong.

Then A-Ling whined a bit more and squirmed in his arms, squeezing his thumb with all his might. Jiang Cheng did his best to cradle him closer, hold him like A-jie did so he would feel safe. But he wasn’t his sister and A-Ling was aware of that and he cried.

Fat tears rolled over his chubby little cheeks, fresh and so relentlessly sad for reasons that he didn’t have words for. Jiang Cheng couldn’t help it when his own tears raced down his face at a much faster pace, accumulating at his neck and around the fabric of his robes and making him feel gross. A few landed on A-Ling too and it seemed he was just feeding off of Jiang Cheng’s sadness.

Part of him was glad for it, though. If someone walked by, all they would hear was a baby crying. They’d be none the wiser about Jiang Cheng himself.

“I’m sorry,” he told A-Ling. The words didn’t quite fit into his mouth, but if there was anyone that deserved those words in that moment, it was A-Ling. “I’m sorry.”

He was sorry he didn’t protect A-jie. He was sorry he didn’t follow Jin Zixuan that day. He was sorry he wasn’t able to convince Wei Wuxian to just let things lie. He was sorry that every goddamn move he’d made, everything he’d failed to do, had led to this moment, had led to Jin Ling being without his mother or father to hold him when he cried.

It was easy to blame Wei Wuxian, but wasn’t he just as guilty? He’d failed to convince him to stop. Wasn’t that his only job as a brother? Wasn’t that what A-jie had died trying to do?

No. No, it was him. Wei Wuxian wasn’t his brother, he was a monster. He’d killed so many people. He deserved to die. Jiang Cheng was sure of it. And, well, whenever he wasn’t so sure, he just told himself that it was true over and over.

For minutes or maybe hours or maybe days Jin Ling cried until his little lungs were too tired to continue supporting that kind of screaming and he sniffled himself to sleep. Jiang Cheng held him close still and closed his eyes. Jin Ling had never let go of his thumb.

And Jiang Cheng had no intention of letting him go either.

II.

Jin Guangshan was dead, the direct heir was barely a year old, and the cultivation world was having a moment.

In the months between A-jie’s death and Jin Guangshan’s death, things had been tense and unsure. Every sect had suffered unimaginable losses into the triple digits and everyone was too fragile to really stir anything up. So they blamed Wei Wuxian for it and ignored everything else. The Lan Sect was quieter than normal, their Hangunag-Jun having gone into seclusion for reasons even though they still had lost nearly two-thirds of their clan in the last five years. The Nie Sect was back to training anyone and everyone who wanted to join their forces. The Jin Sect was acting like nothing had happened at all aside from the fact that Jin Guangyao had now begun to take on a larger acting role in the sect. And the Jiang Sect was doing… alright.

Jiang Cheng was still doing his best as Sect Leader, but he’d been spending a lot of his time in Lanling to watch Jin Ling. Within a week of A-jie’s death, they’d simply pawned Jin Ling off to a group of servants and caretakers, none of which were family. It had angered Jiang Cheng perhaps more than it should’ve, but A-jie wouldn’t have wanted that. She wanted Jin Ling to be raised by his parents like they never were. And since his parents weren’t there, Jiang Cheng was more than willing to fill in.

However, now that Jin Guangshan was dead, it posed a very important question. Who would take over as Chief Cultivator and leader of the Jin Sect?

Jiang Cheng tapped his fingers on the floor as he sat and listened to Jin Guangyao’s speech at their impromptu meeting of all the sects. He couldn’t help himself but be distracted. Jin Ling was getting a little more mobile and part of him expected him to crawl into the meeting and screech something incoherent. He liked to hear himself make noises and he wasn’t shy about choosing favorites. It was petty, but Jiang Cheng held a bit of pride in the fact that he would scream and cry if anyone other than his jiujiu picked him up.

By the end of the meeting, with the full support of the Lan Sect and the reluctant backing of the Nie Sect, Jin Guangyao was now acting Sect Leader and Chief Cultivator. Jiang Cheng didn’t mind. In fact, he was quite glad. It gave him the perfect excuse to do what he’d been planning on doing for months.

“Your Excellency, may I have a word with you?” Jiang Cheng asked as most of the attendants began to enjoy the banquet now that the difficult part had been settled. Jin Guangyao smiled timidly at Jiang Cheng and it gave him all the more reason to want to take Jin Ling back to Lotus Pier. He didn’t trust him to raise him.

“Yes, Jiang-zongzhu?” he asked, bowing respectfully. Jiang Cheng stood up straight and raised his chin.

“Concerning A-Ling,” he said, eyeing the other man just a bit, “Your father and I had planned to discuss the logistics once he had his first year, but, as you can see, that conversation never happened. So I’m bringing it to you. I would like to take A-Ling back to Lotus Pier.”

Jin Guangyao blinked and looked over his shoulder where Lan Xichen stood, kind enough to act like he wasn’t listening but not stupid enough to actually do so. Jiang Cheng didn’t waver and tried not to get angry at the sight of the stupid Lan robes and ribbon.

“For how long?”

“Permanently. Until he comes of age to begin taking on Sect duties‒upon which we’ll reconvene and discuss where to go from there,” Jiang Cheng said. He didn’t leave room for argument in his voice. Jin Guangyao’s eyes widened a bit and his lips parted before he smiled to cover up any shock. 

“W-With all due respect, Jiang-zongzhu, he’s the heir of LanlingJin. Shouldn’t he be raised here? Wouldn’t that be the proper thing to do?” Jin Guangyao said. Jiang Cheng eyed him again and lazily raised his eyebrow.

“You weren’t.”

Again, a little bit of shock and a big smile to cover it up. A coward. He didn’t want Jin Ling to be raised by him. As if he would be doing any of the raising in the first place.

“He will still visit here as much as he pleases, but I do think it would be best for him to be at Lotus Pier,” Jiang Cheng said.

“But‒”

“At Lotus Pier, he will be raised by family. I won’t be pawning him off the servants, he will be under my care at all times. Can you say the same?” Jiang Cheng asked, raising his voice just a little. It was perhaps too much and Lan Xichen looked over at him. But Jin Guangyao couldn’t say the same. “See it as a favor. While you adjust to your new leadership, I will take him off your hands. Are we clear?”

“I-I suppose that‒”

“Good.”

Jiang Cheng turned on his heel and made his trek out of the banquet. A memory of Wei Wuxian doing the same harassed his mind and he felt Zidian spark at his side at the idea. He didn’t want to have anything in common with him, he was already questioned enough. Too many eyes and too many people saying he was too young even if he was allegedly the one to give the fatal blow to the fearsome Yiling Laozu. He didn’t need them comparing him to Wei Wuxian in anything past that moment.

But he didn’t want to be there and maybe the only good thing Wei Wuxian ever did was take his leave when he knew staying somewhere would only get him in more trouble.

Jiang Cheng found the nursery easily considering he'd made the walk to it multiple times a day. He opened the door and the woman on duty stood up quickly to bow for him. He nodded her way and walked past her to where Jin Ling was playing. He crouched down in front of him.

“You’re dismissed,” he said to the woman without looking her way. She didn’t ask any questions, doing as she was told.

Jin Ling looked up at him, instantly starting to cry as he reached up to be held. He cried a lot, more often than not he was inconsolable. Jiang Cheng usually found it impossible to be bothered by it. At least he was making noise. At least he was here.

“Stop crying,” Jiang Cheng said anyway, “When we get to Lotus Pier, you can’t cry as much. It’ll be very distracting to the disciples when they’re practicing. Do you understand me?”

A-Ling obviously didn’t and he didn’t respond with anything other than a harsh little sniffle and more grabby hands. Jiang Cheng let A-Ling grab a hold on his fingers and he stood up, pulling A-Ling to his feet. They did this every day and A-Ling got a little more independent everyday. Today, however, they took a few shaky steps around the room before A-Ling’s little legs collapsed beneath him. Jiang Cheng had a feeling it was entirely because he wanted to be held.

“I won’t be able to hold you forever, you do understand that, don’t you?” he said, lifting him off the ground by his arm. Jin Ling molded into his chest, his thumb going into his mouth as he cuddled close without hesitation.

Jiang Cheng wanted to hate it, wanted to tell him to stop acting like he was cuddly. But he didn’t want to let go and he didn’t want the day to come when he couldn’t pick him up anymore. If they were alone, why did it matter? Besides, A-Ling was going to be different from him. He was going to be better. And if that meant holding him like A-jie would’ve held him, then he could do it. 

“Get your thumb out of your mouth,” Jiang Cheng grumbled quietly, pulling his hand away. A-Ling swatted at him in response and maybe he was supposed to discourage that, but he nodded. “Good, stand your ground.”

And A-Ling put his thumb back into his mouth.

III.

Apparently, raising a child without servants was much more work that Jiang Cheng had realized.

The first year in Lotus Pier, it was going suspiciously well. His disciples were very respectful and understanding and they only spared him a few concerning glances whenever he showed up to training sessions with a sleeping baby strapped to his back. Those glances stopped once they realized it didn’t hinder his ability to best any of them.

He couldn’t say for sure if it was the direct cause, but that was around the time the title of Sandu Shengshou began to circulate more.

He kept A-Ling with him most hours of the day and night, really only sparing him when he needed to eat and Jiang Cheng would pass him off to the wet nurse. (It was a rather awkward thing to acquire in the beginning and Jiang Cheng had admittedly found himself in a brothel in search of one before he realized that was very much not the place to go for a wet nurse. In the end, he’d caved and asked his healers to find one for him. He learned far too much about the lords in Yunmeng by venturing into a place like that.)

It was simple until it wasn’t. A-Ling was getting older and he wanted to run around with cultivators with swords. Jiang Cheng found it hard to deny him the exposure and had given him a wooden sword and let him trail him during training sessions. Any of the disciples that were nervous about A-Ling eventually learned not to be. Besides, forcing them to be even more aware of their surroundings by way of making sure they didn’t accidentally hurt the Jin heir wasn’t a bad thing.

But A-Ling would only stay interested for so long before running off. Jiang Cheng lost him three times–the last of which culminated in a fisherman saving him from the lake–before he hired a servant whose sole job was to make sure A-Ling didn’t run off. It helped a little, but Jiang Cheng’s paranoia didn’t decrease.

It wasn’t even just that, either. No matter how many years he reigned as Sect Leader, no matter how much he proved himself as competent, no matter how highly held he was as the Yiling Laozu’s executor, smaller Sects still saw him as too young and less than. They questioned him and badgered him and treated him like he was a child who had no idea what to do. It was infuriating.

Suddenly, years after A-jie and his brother and his parents were all dead, Jiang Cheng found himself craving their guidance and presence even more. He would try to push it away with anger, but, when he stayed still for too long, his demons would claw their way up his mind. They filled his sleep, repeated dreams of each and every one of them slipping out of his grasp. It became easier to not sleep. It was the worst when A-Ling was in Lanling for a weeks time and Jiang Cheng would find himself staring at the wall only to be shaken back to reality by a very concerned disciple who had brought him his food. It kept happening.

He didn’t cry, though. He wouldn’t let himself. If he did, it was a few tears in the privacy of his room in the middle of the night. That’s where it ended. He refused to let it consume him.

But, as A-Ling became a toddler, Jiang Cheng found himself far in over his head. He was loud and unruly and moody. He cried and he yelled and he was decidedly mean to everyone he encountered and it left Jiang Cheng wondering if he’d been a bad influence after all. And, when other Sect Leaders stopped by, it was clear they thought the same.

Today was a particularly bad day. Jiang Cheng was running on little sleep and Jin Ling had been screeching for hours it seemed, his throat and lungs powering him with the inhuman ability to torture everyone in the vacinity. It was driving Jiang Cheng insane.

“Alright! We’ll meet after a break!” Jiang Cheng snapped to his trainees, receiving thankful bows in response. He didn’t mind them as they quickly fled to get a moment of peace, stalking over to the toddler that was wailing and grabbed him by the arm.

Jiang Cheng hauled him inside the entrance hall and all but tossed him as he slammed the door shut. For a moment, he reminded himself of his mother. It froze him for a moment, but Jin Ling’s proud screeching kept him from feeling bad. 

“Stop screaming!” Jiang Cheng yelled. It wasn’t the first time he’d tried that method, but all it did was make Jin Ling take a deeper breath to scream louder or possibly earn a laugh. It was infuriating. “Shut up!” 

A-Ling paused just long enough to say, “No!” before screeching even higher. Zidian sparked at his side, but Jiang Cheng wasn’t going to use it on him. He wasn’t going to be his mother. He wasn’t going to have his nephew fear him, not like that. A-jie would never want that.

So telling him to stop didn’t work, ignoring him didn’t work, and even trying to punish him didn’t work–though that might be because he was always unsuccessful at punishing him. He was too little for any proper cultivator punishments, but his golden core was clearly well on its way to being better than his father’s. Which was saying something. Maybe Jin Zixuan would be proud of his son’s lung capacity.

Jiang Cheng stared at him for a moment and considered just locking him alone in this room to tire himself out and he could come back when the screaming stopped. Though, that was probably asking for a disaster. But Jiang Cheng was tired and he’d already spent his night staring at the wall and his breakfast feeling far too disoriented to be of use and he couldn’t take this.

So, he did the only thing he could think. He screamed back. Loud, incoherent screaming.

A-Ling paused for a moment, blinking twice before a shit-eating grin found his little face and he laughed. He looked like Wei Wuxian. He stole the smile of a man he never met. Jiang Cheng felt sick.

And he screamed more. And Jin Ling screamed back. And he screamed until he fell to his knees and he screamed until he couldn’t not scream. Maybe Jin Ling was onto something. Maybe he needed this.

Except then Jiang Cheng’s voice cracked and his hands hit the floor. His eyes burned and he was shaking and the screams weren’t really screams as much as they were sobs, a gruesome mix that physically hurt him. And suddenly he was on his hands and knees and crying in front of his nephew. What a big, bad Sect Leader he was.

But at least A-Ling stopped screaming.

Tiny hands pressed onto Jiang Cheng’s cheeks, unafraid of the way he was sobbing and breaking and how he couldn’t stop. 

“Don’t cry, Jiujiu,” A-Ling said, “A-Ling’s not scary.”

Laughter mixed in with his crying for just a moment before it was just crying again. A-Ling wrapped his arms around his neck and pet his hair with rough, uncoordinated hands. As pathetic as Jiang Cheng felt, he could at least find solace in the fact that this would be a memory A-Ling would more than likely forget. No one would really bear witness to his moment of stupid, stupid weakness.

But it felt good to let it out.

Eventually his tears subsided and he pulled away from A-Ling’s hug just a little. Jiang Cheng looked at his face, a concerned pout on his little face. He was so young. He didn’t understand and it was Jiang Cheng’s fault for not teaching him right. God, how did A-jie do it? How did she handle Jiang Cheng when he was a terror?

“No, A-Ling’s not scary,” Jiang Cheng sniffled, putting his hands on either side of his face, “But you will be. No one will boss you around or make you feel incompetant. They’ll all fear you. You’ll be stronger than them all.”

“Jiujiu,” A-Ling said. Jiang Cheng took a deep breath.

“No, you’ll be stronger than me too,” he said, brushing back his hair. A-Ling stared, not quite following what exactly he was saying. Jiang Cheng did that too often, spoke to him like he was grown. Maybe he should stop. “Are you bored, A-Ling? Why are you screaming so much? Are you lonely? Use your words. What do you want to do?”

“I wanna play like them,” A-Ling said, pointing outside as his other hands went to his mouth. 

“You’re too young,” Jiang Cheng said before he swallowed harshly, pulling A-Ling’s hand out of his mouth. A-Ling scowled and slapped his wrist, his fingers going back into his mouth. He nodded. “Then I’ll get you a practice sword.”

A-Ling was hardly four years old when Jiang Cheng gave him a specially crafted sword, extremely lightweight with blunt edges and dull spiritual energy, but something nonetheless. Jiang Sect disciples usually didn’t start training properly until they were eight or nine, even Jiang Cheng, the heir, didn’t start until he was nearly seven. But no one questioned him when he gave Jin Ling a sword and a bow and began training him alongside the youngest of shidis, all still twice his age.

It was then that Jiang Cheng really saw the boy’s father in him. He took to the sword like an extension of his arm and seemed to immediately understand the importance of treating it with respect. He didn’t fling it around or act like it was a toy, something that had to be punished out of many of the boys much older than him. He was a natural.

There was a bittersweet feeling that came with that undeniable fact. Jiang Cheng bounced between extreme pride and absolute horror. The last time he’d seen someone be such a natural with cultivation was… Well, A-Ling simply wasn’t going to turn out that way. Jiang Cheng wouldn't let him.

It wasn’t that A-Ling was really listening or becoming better behaved as much as it was that he found a new outlet to get attention through. Instead of screaming when A-Ling attended training sessions with the older disciples, he stood alongside them. He corrected men old enough to be his father on their stance and he scowled, mimicking Jiang Cheng perhaps a little too well with each passing day. Some of them found it endearing while others weren’t quite as fond of being outdone by a child. The other children found it particularly annoying.

But it was better. As much as it hurt to see him grow up, it was thrilling to see him be so strong and skilled so quickly. A-Ling was going to be better than his predecessors. He wasn’t going to make the same stupid mistakes Jiang Cheng did.

He was never going to be weak.

IV.

Jiang Cheng stared at the lifeless black-clad body on the ground.

He wasn’t Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng knew it the moment he begged for mercy, the moment he tried to tell him everything he wanted to hear. Wei Wuxian was a lot of things‒a coward was never one of them.

Jiang Cheng took a step back, letting the blind rage fade into something that simmered beneath the surface once more. It was then that he noticed just how much blood there was. Not just on the floor, but on Jiang Cheng himself. Maybe he got a bit carried away. But, then again, that was this man’s fault for practicing demonic cultivation in Yunmeng.

He wasn’t Wei Wuxian.

So why hadn’t Jiang Cheng stopped?

Before he really had the chance to let that question sink in, frantic knocking pounded on the door. Irritation rose in his system again and he went to the door, throwing it open and demanding an explanation when he’d told them not to bother him. Wang Xiaoli, his head disciple, stood there in clear desperation, but his mouth stayed shut and his eyes widened at the scene behind Jiang Cheng.

“What?” Jiang Cheng spat, causing him to look back at his eyes.

“Apologies, Jiang-zongzhu, but there has been an… incident involving Jin-xiao-gongzi,” Wang Xiaoli said, bowing abnormally low for him. Jiang Cheng felt a few different things hearing that, but they all culminated in anger and he balled his hands into fists so tight that he heard his knuckles crack.

“What kind of incident?”

“Jin-xiao-gongzi followed Liu Jingfei and a few shidis on the night hunt they were tasked with this evening. It wasn’t her fault‒Jin-xiao-gongzi stayed hidden until they came across a fierce corpse and, well…”

“Spit it out.”

“He killed it. It bled as if it was still alive. Jin-xiao-gongzi…” Wang Xiaoli hesitated and his eyes drifted to the demonic cultivator on the floor, “He isn’t taking it well.”

“Where is he now?”

“This disciple had him sent to his room.”

“What good are any of you if you can’t keep an eye on a child?!” Jiang Cheng snapped. There was no use. He and Wei Wuxian got into much more dangerous situations when they were A-Ling’s age. They never once followed a shixiong, that would simply mean being dragged home before they could do anything fun.

How times have changed.

“Apologies, Jiang-zongzhu, this disciple takes full responsibility for not watching Jin-xiao-gongzi while Jiang-zongzhu was… busy.”

Jiang Cheng let out a steady stream of air from his nose, his eyes narrowed at the top of Wang Xiaoli’s head. His mind was muddy with too many thoughts and he wanted to yell at everyone who had been careless enough to lose track of a nine year old boy. But Jiang Cheng was the most at fault for that, wasn’t he?

“Clean up this mess and have someone bring a bath to my room,” Jiang Cheng said instead of punishing Wang Xiaoli. He would just require a longer training session tomorrow.

“Yes, Jiang-zongzhu.”

“And find that damn dog because I know he put it somewhere so no one would know he followed them.”

“Of course, Jiang-zongzhu.”

Jiang Cheng tried to ignore any hint of worry in his mind as he left the room that laid beneath a newly-built watchtower. It was a perfect place to bring demonic cultivators, the perfect place to take anyone that claimed to be the Yiling Laozu and keep them away from Jin Ling.

But apparently he couldn’t keep Jin Ling away from things he shouldn’t be seeing.

Be gentle, A-Cheng, A-jie’s voice said in the back of his mind as he stalked across the grounds to find A-Ling. Any servants or disciples that he passed very quickly jumped out of his way, recognizing the look on his face and choosing not to get involved. His people were loyal and he did his best to give them a reason to be‒but they knew when to leave him alone. And yet a-jie’s voice didn’t.

It’d been long enough now that he couldn’t properly picture her face or hear her voice. And, truly, there wasn’t really anyone alive he could compare notes with. He just had to hope whatever he had in his mind was close enough. That alone was enough to piss him off even more than he already was.

Jiang Cheng heard A-Ling before he saw him, the familiar sound of him crying a steady beacon as it always had been. He got him in his line of sight and paused for a moment, staring at the pitiful image of his nephew covered in dirt and blood and dragging himself down the walkway in his misery. Part of his mind told him that he should just let him go, let him learn to cope on his own. That’s what being an adult was. If he thought he was old enough to go on night hunts, then he was old enough to deal with the aftermath.

He was about to do it, too, until he remembered his own first several night hunts. He had Wei Wuxian beside him, someone to make him want to act tough enough to the point he rarely cried after them, but every time they so much as grazed a knee, A-jie had taken care of them both. She praised them and cuddled them and cleaned them and she would’ve done the same for A-Ling. She should be doing the same for A-Ling.

“A-Ling,” Jiang Cheng called. His little body froze and he sniffled, trying to gather his composure before he turned to his uncle.

“Jiang-zongzhu,” A-Ling said. It was so very clearly meant to be strong and adult, but all Jiang Cheng heard was his broken nephew. And then his bottom lip quivered and more tears poured over his face. “Jiujiu, it breathed. I-I-I didn’t‒It was alive and I-I-I‒”

“This is what happens when you do things you shouldn’t, bad things happen,” Jiang Cheng said simply, “When you don’t listen, people die.”

A-Ling glared at him the best he could through his tears. “You should’ve let me go when I asked!”

“You clearly aren’t ready for it and none of the other disciples will take you seriously if you act this way. No one will want to be on your side if you do things like endanger everyone on a night hunt because you want to show off,” Jiang Cheng said, shaking his head, “I should make you do handstands or kneel for the rest of the night. Perhaps I’ll even break your legs so you won’t be able to cause anymore trouble.”

A-Ling glared harder and he opened his mouth to yell back, but Jiang Cheng was rudely reminded that he was just a child and had gone through something he wasn’t ready for when he just started sobbing all over again. Jiang Cheng knew a thing or two about being in over one’s head.

Once again, he considered leaving him there and sending him to his room. He even took a step back. Yes, a-jie had comforted them, but wasn’t that what had led to Wei Wuxian turning out the way he did? Wasn’t that what enabled him to become a monster? Wasn’t it the reason that he could count the number of men in his sect that were from before on one hand?

But, then again, he’d rejected so much of both her and Wei Wuxian’s affections and he still found himself in the disgraceful position of beating people to death because they were…

“A-Ling,” Jiang Cheng said again. Jin Ling looked up at him, waiting for whatever punishment he was going to give. He couldn’t bring himself to give him one.

Instead, he grabbed A-Ling by the bicep and hauled him off his feet and onto his hip. He was too big to be carried and he was sure people would have things to say if they dared, but A-Ling wrapped his arms around his neck and clung to him as his only source of comfort. Jiang Cheng closed his eyes for a moment to steady himself before he began the walk to his own quarters.

They made it about halfway there before Jin Ling noticed the blood on him.

“It’s not mine,” he said before Jin Ling could properly ask what happened.

There was a pause before he asked, “Then whose is it?”

“Mind your own business.”

A-Ling gave a little hmph, but he put his head back on Jiang Cheng’s shoulder and took in a shaky breath. By the time they walked into his quarters, the bath he’d requested was already there. He used a heating talisman to warm it up and carefully put Jin Ling down on the floor. 

“Clean up,” he said simply, using his thumb to wipe dirt and tears from A-Ling’s cheek. He nodded obediently. Jiang Cheng grabbed a cloth and dipped it in the bath before taking it behind a separate privacy screen.

He stripped slowly, his body aching for something that had nothing to do with that demonic cultivator. He was tense and angry and overwhelmed. More than anything, he was just tired. So ungodly tired. Then again, he couldn’t actually remember the last time he wasn’t tired. When he studied in the Cloud Recesses, maybe.

Jiang Cheng took out his hair piece to the sound of Jin Ling still crying as quietly as he could and the water sloshing around him. It’d been awhile since they’d shared a room like this. Sure, there were still a few nights A-Ling would crawl into his bed after a nightmare, but it’d been years since he allowed Jin Ling to sleep in his bed from the beginning of the night. Jiang Cheng had no intention of sending him back to his room.

He wiped himself clean of the demonic cultivator’s blood and soon enough found himself scowling down at the red-tinted cloth. He couldn’t pinpoint what about it was so infuriating, but it was. The longer he stared, the angrier he got. Eventually, he threw it to the ground and put on a night robe.

When he walked out of the shield of the privacy screen, he found A-Ling still in the tub and staring down at the water. His hair was still a mess, but he seemed in a completely different world and unable to do anything about it. Jiang Cheng too often saw Jin Zixuan in him, rarely did he see his A-jie. It was moments like these, however, when he saw himself.

And, god, he hated it.

Jiang Cheng walked closer and knelt by the tub. His hands went to A-Ling’s hair and freed it from it’s tie. It barely moved, hardened with blood and dirt and perpetual knots. He sighed and leaned over to grab a comb, carefully working out the knots.

“A-Ling,” he said, glancing at him to see if he actually captured his attention or not. He blinked a few times and flinched when he accidentally pulled his hair when the comb got stuck. Good enough. “This was the first person you’ve killed, but it won’t be the last. You’ll have to get used to it.”

His father never told him that. He was always so lenient. Jiang Cheng had been nearly 16 by the time he found himself killing something that resembled a human being, war taking over and forcing his hand. Jiang Cheng had never been warned and there was too much going on for him to ever understand what he’d done. Now he’d lost count of the lives that had been lost under his sword, under his Sect. It didn’t matter anymore.

“I thought it was a corpse,” A-Ling said softly, “But it breathed.”

“Have I ever told you about my first night hunt?” he asked. A-Ling looked at him a bit oddly.

“No,” he said, “You never tell me anything about anything because you want me to stay stupid.”

Jiang cheng narrowed his eyes at him. “I don’t‒Shut up. My first night hunt was a water ghost right outside Lotus Pier gates and they had planned to see a few cultivators to handle it the next morning, but my shixiong wanted to handle it that night. He dragged me out of bed and we went to go take care of it, but I was a little younger than you and we were untrained and unwatched. He got pulled under, nearly drowned.”

He didn’t say his name. The boy he grew up with wasn’t the man that died nine years ago and A-Ling didn’t need that much information. It would be too confusing for him to separate the two when Jiang Cheng could barely do it himself.

A-Ling sniffled, “That would’ve been embarrassing if he did. This is Lotus Pier.”

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes, pressing his hand to A-Ling’s forehead to dunk him under the water so his hair would be wet. When he came back up, he was turning red again and already had a scowl on his little face.

“You could’ve just said!”

“Shut up,” Jiang Cheng said, dunking him into the water once more. Jin Ling came back up, ready to yell and gripe and act older than he was. Jiang Cheng found himself smiling. “Do you feel better already?”

“I hate you,” A-Ling said, crossing his arms over his chest. Jiang Cheng ran his fingers through his hair and nodded. Fair enough. He got his hair as clean as he could before beginning to braid it. “Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Are you going to finish the story or not?” A-Ling asked. Jiang Cheng’s smile faded and his jaw clenched as he thought about what happened after that.

He’d cried, perhaps worse than A-Ling had tonight, in worry and fear. Wei Wuxian had comforted him despite being the one who was hoarse from coughing up water. When they snuck back into Lotus Pier, A-jie was already waiting for them in Jiang Cheng’s bedroom to check them over. She was the only one that caught them every single time without fail. It was her super power. Would she catch him now? Would she clean him free of the blood of every demonic cultivator he beat, or would she hate him for it?

He had to take a few breaths before he could speak again.

“We killed the damn thing and snuck back into Lotus Pier. We didn’t get caught,” Jiang Cheng said, “So don’t even try because I know every way there is to not get caught and I will catch you.”

“Was that the point of the story? Because I thought it was going to have a cool ending.”

“It wasn’t, you brat,” Jiang Cheng said, tying off the braid, “My… Your mother dried us off and stayed until we fell asleep. She coddled us too much, made us think it was okay to be vulnerable with people if you trusted them. That way of thinking got her killed.”

A-Ling stared at him, eyes clouding with a new layer of tears. Jiang Cheng stood up and grabbed a towel, handing it to the boy who was back to glaring down at the water with tears sliding over his cheeks. He half expected another ‘I hate you’, but A-Ling said nothing as he snatched the towel and climbed out of the tub. Jiang Cheng went over to his trunk of clothing and pulled out an extra night robe. It would swallow A-Ling whole, but it wouldn’t be the first time he’d been wrapped up in Jiang Cheng’s clothing.

“And your shixiong?” A-Ling asked, a bite to his voice that mimicked Jiang Cheng’s in a way that nearly made him flinch, “What got him killed?”

Me, Jiang Cheng thought immediately. He tossed the robe A-Ling’s way and sat on his bed, his body feeling too heavy to stand all of the sudden.

“His arrogance,” Jiang Cheng chose instead, “He was convinced he was right at all times, even if that meant abandoning everyone who cared for him. He was reckless and got people killed for no reason other than to be right.”

A-Ling climbed into bed. Jiang Cheng looked over at him and he’d already balled up with his knees to his chest. He looked so small and young despite how hard he tried to sound grown and angry. Or maybe he didn’t try to sound angry‒maybe he just was. What did it say about Jiang Cheng if he raised such an angry child?

But, if anyone had any reason to be angry, it was A-Ling. So he wouldn’t take that away from him.

“I don’t want to be that way,” A-Ling said softly, shaking his head, “I don’t want anyone to die.”

“They will, though,” Jiang Cheng said, looking at him seriously, “People die every day for no reason. They die at the hands of others, at the hands of themselves, and they die when you are not ready. It will never stop.”

A-Ling took a shaky breath and bowed his face into his knees, his shoulders shaking. Jiang Cheng reached over and put his hand on his cheek, making him meet his eyes again.

“Don’t let anyone see you cry this way ever again, do you understand me? All it does is make the people around you think you’re weak‒and, trust me, they go into every conversation with that thought in the back of their mind. Don’t prove them right. I don’t care how much you trust someone or think it’s safe to be vulnerable, don’t do it. It will always end badly.” 

“Except you.”

“No,” Jiang Cheng said firmly, “Even me. I won’t be here forever and I’ll do my best to keep in control while I’m here, but will never be able to predict when someone loses control and becomes someone they aren’t. You’ve heard the stories of Chifeng-zun and the Yiling Laozu‒two great men who lost control.”

“Shushu wouldn’t like that comparison,” A-Ling whispered, voice uncharacteristically soft. Or, maybe that’s how he was supposed to sound. Soft and sweet and Jiang Cheng had taught him something different. 

“I don’t give a damn, it’s the truth,” Jiang Cheng said simply, “It’s unpredictable, so you should allow no one your weaknesses, not even me. I am Sect Leader, I am your uncle, but, at the end, I am no different than any other man. Do not give me or anyone else anything to use against you, do you understand?”

A-Ling stayed silent and still for a long while. Jiang Cheng sighed, feeling too heavy to stay awake any longer. It’d been a long day, a long week, a long year, a long life. He was tired. Always tired.

Jiang Cheng extinguished the candles that lit the room and laid down with his back to A-Ling. He could hear soft sniffling as he tried to cry as quietly as possible. He would get better at it, Jiang Cheng thought, eventually. All it took was practice.

Before Jiang Cheng could fall asleep, though, his nephew curled up against his back, small hands clinging to his robes as if he was a toddler again. A-Ling pressed his face into his spine, seeking comfort from the person Jiang Cheng had just told him not to be vulnerable around. It would get him killed. Not that Jiang Cheng had any intention to be that person, but there was no telling who would use that information against him one day. That was the last thing he wanted.

But he couldn’t bring himself to push him away. He didn’t want to.

A few weeks later, Jiang Cheng would meet with His Excellency Jin Guangyao and agree that it was time for Jin Ling to start living in Lanling so he could take on sect duties and learn the proper Lanling fighting styles. Jiang Cheng had broken the news to him privately and Jin Ling had not taken it well. He kept his tears at bay for a while as he tried to argue, but eventually he’d sobbed and clung to Jiang Cheng and begged not to be left. It was one of the hardest things Jiang Cheng had to do in the last decade.

Out of spite, Jin Ling didn’t write to him for six months. When Jiang Cheng went to visit finally, he would glare and avoid him. Jiang Cheng would ask Jin Guangyao and his wife separately how Jin Ling was adjusting, getting tense answers from both of them that suggested he was doing decidedly awful but refusing to give Jiang Cheng any details about what was making it so awful.

Jiang Cheng had found himself lurking around corners, watching Jin Ling with the other disciples like he wasn’t a Sect Leader. They were all cruel to him, making fun of him for every single reason they could come up with. His dead mother, his dead father, his close relation to the Yiling Laozu, his dog, his uncles. Every time Jin Ling got angry, they would laugh at him. Jiang Cheng was left wondering why the hell he didn’t kick their asses when it should’ve been well known that Jin Ling was extremely skilled, but he found that probably wasn’t very becoming of someone of his status. Jiang Cheng didn’t step in even though he wanted to. It was best he learned to deal with people like that on his own.

When the fourth night of his stay rolled around and Jin Ling snuck into his bed and cried into his back, Jiang Cheng said nothing. He didn’t know if it was nightmares or if it was anger or if it was loneliness and he didn’t ask. Selfishly, Jiang Cheng had no desire to send him back to his room. He wanted to keep him there where he could see him and take care of him.

Leaving him that time had been harder than the first.

V.

Life at Lotus Pier without the little boy he’d raised at his heel was unfairly lonely.

It took Jiang Cheng a year to admit it was loneliness and not just him being ridiculous. His days seemed empty and quiet and his chest ached when he stayed still for too long. It was as if his body had decided he’d gone through another loss, as if A-Ling wasn’t still alive and, truthfully, not that far away. Still, amongst his dreams of A-jie being killed and Wei Wuxian telling him they weren’t brothers and his parents dying to save him, a dream of A-Ling on his knees and crying ‘don’t leave me, Jiujiu, I’ll be good, take me home,’ began to crop up. It was miserable.

He did his best to keep himself busy. It wasn’t a difficult feat, he was running a Sect, and yet it felt like it wasn’t enough. He began to train the younger disciples as well as the older ones, he went on night hunts with juniors, he kept everything nice. His disciples seemed to like him and the rest of the cultivation world seemed to approve of him, finally, and yet it wasn’t enough. He found himself feeling sick with nerves whenever meetings approached, checking himself in mirrors to make sure he looked the part. Would they be able to tell he hadn’t slept? 

They typically didn’t‒the word typically being very specifically reserved for Lan Xichen who always gave him a too-polite smile and a soft ‘Jiang-zongzhu, it would bring me great joy to play for you, would you allow it?’. He’d play something that would knock Jiang Cheng out for a dreamless, full night of sleep. Part of him always looked forward to it even if it pissed him off. 

It went on like that, every day bleeding into the next. He always listened for demonic cultivators and they were never Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng found himself both annoyed and relieved every time. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do if‒when‒Wei Wuxian appeared again. Would he kill him for real this time? He liked to think he would.

When he did finally find Wei Wuxian again, real and in the flesh, he didn’t kill him. In fact, he felt numb all over again.

A day or two or a thousand seemed to lapse with Jiang Cheng doing nothing but staring at the floor, trying to process the fact that Wei Wuxian was indeed back, this time with Lan Wangji as a guard dog. He was angry, he was hurt, he was confused, he was overwhelmed, he was…

“Jiujiu,” A-Ling said as he entered the room without knocking, “I’m going on a‒What happened to you?”

 Jiang Cheng looked up at him, blinking a few times and then looking around. He was in his guest room at Koi Tower, but he didn’t remember how he got there. It was light outside, but he was in night robes‒again, something he had no memory of. He’d lost time before, his mind checking out in favor of whatever happened when he wasn’t paying attention, but as he adjusted, he found himself far more disoriented than he would’ve liked. He clutched the bed sheets. Wasn’t he just in Lotus Pier? 

“Nothing,” Jiang Cheng snapped, looking up at Jin Ling. It was even more disorienting to see him standing there, decked out in Jin robes and gold pieces in his hair and looking so close to being a man. Wasn’t he just a little boy clinging to Jiang Cheng’s robes? Didn’t the one he was wearing have stains on it from when he was little? “Nothing, I’m fine, piss off.”

Jin Ling scowled. “I was just asking because you look like you got ran over.”

“Brat,” Jiang Cheng grumbled, still clutching the sheets. He took a few slow breaths and the door closed. Part of him was shocked when he realized Jin Ling was still there.

“What, did it happen again?” Jin Ling asked, the faintest trace of worry in his voice. So faint anyone that hadn’t raised him probably would’ve missed it.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You know, it,” he said, still harsh. Jiang Cheng shook his head, taking a deep breath.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t be mean to me because I’m right,” Jin Ling snapped, “It’s not my fault that I know more than you.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up! You’re the one that, that turns his head off when he doesn’t want it anymore!” Jin Ling snapped. Jiang Cheng furrowed his eyebrows, looking up at his nephew. He wanted to ask what he meant, wanted to ask if he could tell when Jiang Cheng was losing time and how he could tell. Was he the only one or did others notice? Was that why Lan Xichen played for him?

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, get out of my sight,” Jiang Cheng spat. 

Jin Ling was nearly shaking with anger, his breathing uneven and heavy. He stalked right up to Jiang Cheng, glaring in all of his teenage anger. Jiang Cheng almost wanted to pester him more, wanted him to yell and bitch and wake up his senses a little bit more so he could adjust to the fact that the Yiling Laozu was alive. Whatever that meant.

“What, you little brat? Spit it out,” Jiang Cheng pressed. But Jin Ling already had that sheen of tears brewing in his eyes. Jiang Cheng was close to mocking him for it, close to saying ‘what did I tell you about crying? I’ll give you something to cry about’.

He didn’t.

“What, A-Ling?” Jiang Cheng asked, voice a little bit kinder if only because he was too tired to keep on if he wasn’t going to be getting anything back.

“I don’t want you to die,” A-Ling said simply, sniffling. Jiang Cheng shook his head.

“I have no intention of dying any time soon.”

“But-but you keep… If you die, I’m going to kill you for it,” he threatened. Jiang Cheng huffed a dry laugh, shaking his head.

“Please do, that’d be a show.”

“Stop it! Why are you joking?! You don’t tell jokes! You-you only tell jokes when you’re like this!” A-Ling accused, “I don’t know what Qi Deviation looks like, but… But if you’re getting close to that, then stop it. I forbid it.”

“You forbid me?” Jiang Cheng repeated. Jin Ling nodded.

“You’re not allowed to die.”

Jiang Cheng closed his eyes, bombarded with how he’d felt the same way towards Wei Wuxian. He’d brother couldn’t die, he wouldn’t allow it. He’d protect him until he couldn’t and then… But that monster wasn’t his brother, right? Because his brother wouldn’t do that. Wouldn’t leave him, wouldn’t be the reason their sister died, wouldn’t be so destructive, wouldn’t leave him.

“Jiujiu!”

Jiang Cheng snapped his head up at the desperate call that seemed to be his only reason for getting out of bed most days and saw that distressed face that matched it.

“Stop it,” A-Ling begged. He dropped down beside Jiang Cheng, hugging him like he only did when they were alone and he wasn’t scared of being made fun of or looking like a baby. “Please don’t die.”

Jiang Cheng sat there for a moment and tried to figure out the best way to ask Jin Ling what exactly it was about him that made him think he was dying. He was losing time, yes, but how did he act that made it obvious? What about it made it seem like he was shutting his mind off? What about it made Jin Ling think it was something other than meditation?

“It’s like you go away,” Jin Ling said without him asking and, not for the first time, Jiang Cheng thought maybe he’d done a good job at making his nephew better than himself, “And it’s hard to get you back. It-It’s not like you wake up, it’s like you only come back in little pieces. Wang Xiaoli always said you just had many things to think about and sometimes you focused too hard, but I think he’s stupid.”

Jiang Cheng sighed softly, trying to find the right words. Which would be easier if he was anyone else. He even considered scolding him for calling Wang Xiaoli stupid, but that seemed like the wrong approach. Everything seemed like the wrong approach. Where was A-jie when he needed her?

“I’m not dying,” Jiang Cheng said simply, “So stop worrying.”

“Then what are you doing? It’s annoying,” Jin Ling grumbled into his shoulder.

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“I hate you,” Jin Ling spat, but his grip on him didn’t loosen.

Jiang Cheng took a deep breath and sighed. Then he spoke before he really understood what he planned to say.

“That man that Hanguang-Jun took to the Cloud Recesses‒do you know who he is?”

“Mo Xuanyu?” Jin Ling asked, confusion in his voice. 

Mo Xuanyu. Seemingly no one. A weak no one, extraordinarily weak if the way Zidian reacted to him said anything. And, yet, he wasn’t possessed. Or, at least, not in any way known to man. Leave it to Wei Wuxian to possess someone in a brand new way. Ah, wouldn’t A-die be proud.

“Stay away from him,” Jiang Cheng said. Jin Ling scoffed.

“Obviously. He’s insane, Jiujiu, really. I don’t want to go anywhere near him,” he said, though there was something in his voice that, again, one would only hear if they’d raised him. Jiang Cheng sighed.

“You already have, haven’t you?”

“I‒” Jing Ling said, letting go of Jiang Cheng and gearing up to defend himself. It was almost a welcome change of pace. “I didn’t do anything! He-he just appeared and was talking nonsense‒complete nonsense, Jiujiu. That’s all he does! He‒”

“I’m not mad at you,” Jiang Cheng said, “I’m simply saying to stay away from him. He’s bad news.”

Jin Ling was quiet for a moment. Jiang Cheng couldn’t tell what exactly he was waiting for. Perhaps to be yelled at.

“Why is Hanguang-Jun protecting him?” Jin Ling eventually settled on asking. Jiang Cheng sighed and stood up, making a good and successful effort at not seeming as uneasy on his feet as he felt.

“Because Hanguang-Jun is just as insane.”

Jin Ling left without much more of an argument and it took far too much of Jiang Cheng to let him leave.

He knew Wei Wuxian. There was no way Jin Ling would be able to stay away.

+I

Meditation was very important, Jiang Cheng discovered. It was the best way to keep him from doing something he’d eventually regret, whatever that something might be.

However, it was becoming increasingly difficult to meditate with Wei Wuxian back at Lotus Pier. Every time he tried to focus, he’d hear laughter echoing through the space that seemed to absorb it like the walls themselves missed him. Because of course they would. 

“Jiang Cheng! Let me bother you for one moment, look, Shidi, look,” Wei Wuxian said. Jiang Cheng reluctantly opened his eyes to see a wide smile on his far-too-close face. He had to lean back before he scowled.

“You bother me at all moments,” Jiang Cheng said, shoving his shoulder. Wei Wuxian laughed harder and sprawled beside him, pointing out to whatever he was meaning to show him.

The young disciples Wei Wuxian had taken to like a mother hen seemed to notice their Sect Leader was watching and looked between each other. Wei Wuxian waved his hand to urge them on and they very reluctantly listened. In pairs of two, they’d jump onto the roof or glide across the courtyard or just show somehow that they’d gotten very good when it came to studying qinggong with their precious Wei-qianbei.

“Look at them go!” Wei Wuxian praised, laughing as he leaned back.

“If they fall, you’re the one handling it,” Jiang Cheng replied.

“Obviously.”

It hadn’t really been something they discussed. Wei Wuxian showed up a few months back, claiming to be traveling, and simply… hadn’t left. The first few weeks he seemed to be waiting for Jiang Cheng to throw him out as he slowly got more and more comfortable in the space, but Jiang Cheng had no intention to. For the first time since Jin Ling went to live in Lanling, Lotus Pier didn’t feel so empty.

Not that he’d ever say that.

He knew this wasn’t permanent, however, because one day Wei Wuxian would realize he wanted to go back to the Cloud Recesses and Jiang Cheng wouldn’t see him for months on end if not years. But, for now, he would let Wei Wuxian stay and he would act like he didn’t want him there and Wei Wuxian would get that it was an act and he would still never stop. It was easier that way. When he left, it wouldn’t hurt as much if he never let himself like having Wei Wuxian around.

“Their little determined faces are so cute, Jiang Cheng, I can’t handle it,” Wei Wuxian said dramatically, putting his hand on his chest as he leaned back. Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. “I want one.”

“What, a child? Didn’t you have one?” Jiang Cheng said, bitterness in his tone despite having no reason for it. Or, maybe there was a reason. Didn’t matter.

“Mm, sort of, but Sizhui is all grown and only so many years younger than my face, I feel silly acting like he isn’t. Ah, well, this will have to do,” Wei Wuxian said, brightening up as he pushed himself to his feet and made a show of his own qinggong as he all but flew down to meet them. Jiang Cheng closed his eyes again, trying to meditate.

Once the great Hanguang-Jun discovered Wei Wuxian had been staying in Lotus Pier, Jiang Cheng had received a thinly veiled threat disguised as a respectful letter. If something happened to his precious Wei Ying or if he was disrespected in any way while in Yunmeng, Hanguang-Jun wouldn’t hesitate to deliver the consequences. He’d rolled his eyes and burned it. If Jiang Cheng hadn’t killed him yet then he obviously wasn’t going to.

Besides, Wei Wuxian actually enjoyed teaching the little ones whereas Jiang Cheng had simply taken on the task to fill the empty spaces that Jin Ling had once taken up. They were learning well and actually enjoyed Wei Wuxian, so it simply felt cruel to take him away from them.

Evening meals were spent in the company of Wei Wuxian, something that Jiang Cheng had been reluctant to get accustomed to, but now find himself looking forward to it‒which, truly, pissed him off even more. They’d started out with small talk and gossip that wore at Jiang Cheng’s restraint, but, somehow, it turned into speaking of more useful topics like Sect decisions. Wei Wuxian gave honest input and was a helpful ear and it was too easy to think this was how it should’ve always been. The two of them, running things together, side-by-side, the Twin Heroes of Yunmeng. That pissed him off too.

Though, sometimes, if he had enough alcohol, he’d forget to be as angry.

“Aiya, Jiang Cheng, don’t you worry. I’ll hold things down while you go to that stupid discussion conference,” Wei Wuxian insisted, tilting his head back to drop a noodle into his mouth. Jiang Cheng cocked an eyebrow, pausing with his fifth or sixth cup of wine pressed to his bottom lip.

“You don’t want to come? Hanguang-Jun will be there, probably Lan Sizhui, as well, since you say he’s returned to the Cloud Recesses,” Jiang Cheng pointed out. Wei Wuxian hesitated before he shrugged.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to show my face just yet,” he said. Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and finished off his drink before putting the cup down to pour another.

“If anyone says anything, Hanguang-Jun will have their head. They’ll have to get used to you anyway as a high-ranking member and teacher within the Jiang Sect,” Jiang Cheng said firmly. He couldn’t imagine someone actively disrespecting him when he had that all going for him. Still, a small smile pulled at Wei Wuxian’s lips and his eyes looked a little far away as he nodded slowly.

“Okay,” he agreed, “I guess I’ll come.”

It took Jiang Cheng until the next day when he was sober to realize the error of his ways. He’d nearly broken the table in his room when he realized that there was no way Wei Wuxian would remain a high-ranking member and teacher within the Jiang Sect. He would see Hanguang-Jun, they’d speak in person after months of nothing but letters, and then he would be whisked back to the Cloud Recesses. This is what he gets for getting too comfortable.

The trip to Lanling for the discussion conference was far too long since they couldn’t fly with Mo Xuanyu’s core being equivalent to the little juniors Wei Wuxian was teaching. It was hours upon hours of Jiang Cheng glaring and ignoring Wei Wuxian as he bubbled with excitement. Lan Zhan, this, Sizhui, that. He was wearing YunmengJiang colors for possibly the second or third time in his life and it almost made it hurt worse that he wouldn’t be returning to Lotus Pier. And how dare he leave the responsibility to Jiang Cheng to tell all the youngest juniors that Wei Wuxian wasn’t coming back? The bastard.

“I’m going to pinch his cheeks so hard,” Wei Wuxian stated far too proudly, “His face will be red for the entire day.”

“Whose,” the man who was controlling the horses that pulled their cart asked, the only one who had been entertaining Wei Wuxian through the trip, “Hanguang-Jun’s or Lan-xiao-gongzi?”

“Hm,” Wei Wuxian hummed thoughtfully, tapping his finger against his nose. Jiang Cheng wasn’t entirely sure his teeth didn’t crack when he clenched his jaw in irritation. “Both, I think. Just so they won’t forget me.”

“As if anyone could,” Jiang Cheng spat. It was meant to be an insult and yet Wei Wuxian grinned somehow even wilder, shoving his shoulder. “Fuck off.”

Wei Wuxian shook his head and shoved his shoulder again. “Why are you so angry? Do you think Jin Ling is going to let this be that bad? He’s only doing this to prove himself, you know. He must’ve had a good teacher.”

Jiang Cheng had to repress the urge to throw himself off the cart.

His anger worsened even more when Wei Wuxian damn near launched himself at Jin Ling upon arrival. He was so happy and excited to see his precious Hanguang-Jun that he had to force hugs on Jin Ling. The brat himself scowled and lightly fought his embrace, but Jiang Cheng knew him well enough to know he very clearly didn’t hate it that much.

“Jiang-zongzhu,” Jin Ling said when he walked up closer, bowing. Jiang Cheng bowed back.

“Jin-zongzhu.”

“Aiyo, this is boring,” Wei Wuxian whined, earning glares from both of them. He smiled. “Give me a tour!”

“You’ve already had a tour, Wei-da-jiu,” Jin Ling said a bit harshly. Jiang Cheng felt his blood start to run cold. Wei-da-jiu. 

“Then give me another one. I need something to waste my time on, don’t I?” Wei Wuxian said, already strolling forward as if he owned the place. Jin Ling glared and all but ran to catch up with him. Jiang Cheng needed wine. 

Jiang Cheng trailed them on a fairly lackluster tour. Servants and Jin disciples were all bustling around Koi Tower in an attempt to get everything ready. The Jiang Sect had arrived early, but that was to be expected. The rest of the clans would be showing up this evening and they’d have a banquet and the real discussion would begin the next morning.

It was about superficial things, really. Little talks of which junior disciples might be shaping up to be powerful cultivators or discussions on any marriages between the sects. All of it civil and not at all tense. Hopefully. Jiang Cheng was ready to get it over with and go home.

He followed them with his thoughts elsewhere until he came across the Lotus garden he was certain hadn’t been taken care of with Jin Zixuan dead and no one in Lanling really being an expert on them. And yet it seemed to be flourishing with a small placard claiming it as a memorial garden for Jiang Yanli. When did that get there?

“Head Disciple Jin Yunru suggested we restore it,” Jin Ling said once he noticed Jiang Cheng staring. His voice was small and young, reminding him of that little boy who stuck by his side and he carried until he didn’t want to be carried any longer. “And since the anniversary is soon…”

Wei Wuxian made a small sound of realization and he looked over at them, eyes wide and eyebrows raised in surprise. Jiang Cheng had half a mind to throw him out of Koi Tower for that reaction alone.

“Wait, what day is it?” Wei Wuxian asked. Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling both scoffed in irritation.

“You don’t know what day it is?” Jiang Cheng pressed. Wei Wuxian all but pouted and then he turned to Jin Ling.

“It’s your birthday, isn’t it? Or, at least, it’s around this day,” Wei Wuxian stated. Jin Ling’s whole face seemed to turn bright red with irritation and he looked away. Jiang Cheng turned his eyes to the garden and tried to find solace in that. “Ah, why aren’t we having a party? A proper one, I mean, not a boring conference.”

“I don’t celebrate my birthday,” Jin Ling stated firmly, head held high. Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure if that was true because he chose not to celebrate his birthday or if it was because Jiang Cheng never gave him the option to.

“But your age is such an important one in every young man’s life, it should be celebrated!”

Jin Ling glared at him and sneered a simple, “Do you even know how old I am?”

Wei Wuxian opened his mouth to argue, but he paused and then simply shrugged as if that was enough.

“It doesn’t matter, we’ll celebrate. Ah, you should’ve said something, I could’ve gotten them to bring Lan Jingyi along. Oh well, Lan Sizhui and Ouyang Zizhen will both be here and Lan Zhan and do you think I have enough time to go into town? I’ll be back, I will, we’ll have a party after the banquet, just the people you care about, I promise,” Wei Wuxian rambled, all of that excitement from the ride here still bubbling out of him. Jiang Cheng was beginning to think it was nervousness.

“I don’t‒” Jin Ling started, his voice raised and looking completely overwhelmed with Wei Wuxian’s forced celebration, “I don’t care about any of them!”

“They care about you, though, so close enough,” Wei Wuxian smiled, reaching out to pat his cheek. Jin Ling slapped his hand away and Wei Wuxian laughed.

“I’ll be back!”

“Bring someone with you so you don’t get killed!” Jin Ling yelled after him. Wei Wuxian turned around, walking backwards as he made some exaggerated facial expression that was apparently meant to be translated to ‘I’ll survive, just watch’. Jiang Cheng felt a little sick that it was that easy to translate.

He needed to go home.

“How are you dealing with him?” Jin Ling grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest in annoyance. He couldn’t hide the fact that he was clearly very much excited for whatever sort of makeshift party Wei Wuxian was going to throw together. It was disappointing to say the least.

But, then again, once Wei Wuxian went back to the Cloud Recesses, he was much more likely to come visit Jin Ling than he was to visit Lotus Pier. Maybe Wei Wuxian wouldn’t disappoint his nephew. And, well, if he did, Jiang Cheng would just have to take care of it.

It had taken Jiang Cheng a while to get used to Wei Wuxian being alive again. Jiang Cheng spent a lot of time after Guangyin Temple being angry at the world, angry at himself and Wei Wuxian. His nights were full of sadness, nostalgia of youthful memories threatening to choke him every time he tried to close his eyes. He had worried Wang Xiaoli and Jin Ling. He hadn’t faltered in his duties as Sect Leader, but the weight of his anger and grief were a physical thing he couldn’t seem to shake. How exactly was he expected to cope with the fact that his entire perception of nearly the last twenty years had been a series of ever bigger lies? How was he supposed to handle having the Yiling Laozu alive after he’d spent so many years killing anyone who resembled him?

But these days, meditation helped him. He ended up excusing himself to go do so in the room he always stayed in until other guests began to arrive. Jin Ling, surprisingly, didn’t argue. Instead, he made a snide comment about how it was better than him exploding and stalked off to go take care of things and stuff. 

Meditation was helpful most days, yes, but today it only forced sadness into him in place of anger. Sadness over another birthday his A-jie was missing, over how many bad habits he’d instilled into A-Ling, over how Wei Wuxian would be gone again and he couldn’t say anything about it because why would he.

Years and years of watching A-Ling grow up lonely and it’d taken him until A-Ling’s 18th year to realize he’d learned it from Jiang Cheng himself.

“I’m trying my best, A-jie,” he whispered into the empty room. He was trying his best to stay put together, to be a better role model, to be a better Sect Leader, to be a better brother. And his best, most likely, was either not enough or would go completely unnoticed.

He tried to shake the sadness from him and sought the anger he knew was there somewhere. It was easy whenever he had to bow to brand new Chief Cultivator Hanguang-Jun and then had to watch Wei Wuxian act like a teenager around him all over again, hanging off him and teasing him as if there weren’t bystanders. Wei Wuxian pinched his cheek and whispered in his ear and gave him mischievous smiles. Jiang Cheng didn’t understand how he could be so shameless and oblivious at the same time.

“Jiang-zongzhu,” a voice said, tearing Jiang Cheng’s focus away from where his ridiculous brother was eating his dinner like it was a game on what he could do to make the Chief Cultivator cause a scene. When he looked up, he saw Lan Sizhui bowing before him.

The few times he’d met the kid, Jiang Cheng had been admittedly annoyed. Finding out he was the product of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s combined teachings really only pissed him off more. He was outwardly kind and warm, but he was also clever and strong. He couldn’t help but feel like A-jie would be far more proud of the work they did than the shoddy job he did raising A-Ling to be nothing but angry and alone.

“Lan-xiao-gongzi,” Jiang Cheng greeted. Lan Sizhui smiled in a way that probably would’ve caused him to pop a blood vessel had he not meditated earlier in the evening.

“This disciple wanted to thank Jiang-zongzhu for inviting him to Lotus Pier in two weeks' time,” he said. Jiang Cheng wasn’t able to hide his confusion. “Wei-qianbei wanted to formally show this disciple the beauty of Lotus Pier. Jiang-zongzhu’s kindness in opening his home is greatly appreciated.”

It took a few moments to realize the weight of what exactly that meant. So Wei Wuxian didn’t plan to leave. Or maybe he simply planned to come back. Jiang Cheng didn’t know which one was more likely to hope for. It was agonizing to try and figure it out.

“Wei Wuxian is a respected member of the Jiang Sect,” Jiang Cheng said slowly, clenching his fists so he didn’t do something stupid like yell across the banquet what the hell Wei Wuxian was planning to do with himself, “His family is welcome within Lotus Pier at all times.”

Lan Sizhui seemed to brighten up a bit even though it carried a bit of hesitant weight to it. He opened his mouth to say something, but he quickly closed it again and smiled. Jiang Cheng watched as he bowed again, waiting for him to ask whatever he clearly wanted to. It didn’t come that easily.

“Out with it,” Jiang Cheng said. Lan Sizhui looked a little startled. “Speak your mind, I’m sure you’ve been taught that by at least one of the people who raised you.”

Lan Sizhui blinked and smiled, standing up straight only to bow again.

“This disciple had considered asking Jiang-zongzhu’s permission to let Wen-qianbei visit Lotus Pier when he does,” he said softly, carefully. Calculated. All Lan Wangji. “But he understands that was an inappropriate question.”

“Why is it inappropriate?” Jiang Cheng asked, cocking an eyebrow, “Did I not just say Wei Wuxian’s family is welcome? Is he not family? Did I misinterpret something else along the way?”

Lan Sizhui stared at him for a long stretch of time before blinking out of it and nodding his head.

“Thank you, Jiang-zongzhu.”

Jin Ling walked up at that point, making a face at Jiang Cheng before he told Lan Sizhui he was needed elsewhere. As they walked away, he heard Jin Ling promising that Jiang Cheng being a bitch was simply because he liked him.

The banquet continued to be uneventful, yet dread still pooled in Jiang Cheng’s stomach with each passing moment. That only got worse as he was dragged into Wei Wuxian’s quarters after most of the attendees had gone to bed to see a poorly decorated room with a table full of wine and people who he was certain didn’t like him very much.

He stayed by the wall as Wei Wuxian doted on Jin Ling like he never really had a chance to, pestering him and laughing loudly at him. He watched as Wei Wuxian encouraged Jin Ling and the two juniors to drink with him, Hanguang-Jun turning his head when Lan Sizhui took his first sip to pretend he didn’t witness it which made Wei Wuxian laugh like it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard. He watched them enjoy each other while he stood to the side again. 

That’s how it was supposed to be, truly. Not them together, but Wei Wuxian with all the warmth in the world while Jiang Cheng stood to the side. That’s how it had always been. Wei Wuxian and A-jie or Diedie or everyone with little A-Cheng watching by himself. And when Jin Ling smiled bright like boys his age should, when he never had before, except maybe at his damn dog, his cheeks flushed red with alcohol and drunken giggles spilling from him, Jiang Cheng was even more aware that he’d never been as welcome. He was a poor placeholder. 

Jiang Cheng slipped outside, knowing his absence wouldn’t be noticed, and let himself take a breath as he looked towards the lotus garden. Tears pricked his eyes stupidly. So many years had passed, so much time had been wasted with him trying and failing, and he still found himself letting everyone down. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Jin Ling smile that way. What would A-jie say?

Nothing. She’d be disappointed and she would say nothing. And he still wanted her here. He still wanted her guidance, wanted her to promise him that she wasn’t angry for the way A-Ling had turned out. Maybe, if he was lucky, she’d pet his hair and hug him tight and make him feel less like he’d failed her. But, then again, when had he ever been a lucky man?

“There you are Shidi! You’re missing out on all the fun,” Wei Wuxian said as he joined him. Jiang Cheng looked down, wiping his face as quickly as he could. The tears didn’t really stop, though, and Wei Wuxian had never been that stupid.

He didn’t say anything, though, so at least he decided not to be cruel.

Wei Wuxian stepped up beside him, bumping his shoulder against Jiang Cheng’s softly. He wanted to snap at him, but he couldn’t find the energy. Because, stupidly, at his core, he just wanted him to keep standing beside him.

“You missed Jin Ling laughing so hard wine came out of his nose just because Sizhui called Lan Zhan ‘Baba’ before passing out on the table,” Wei Wuxian said. Jiang Cheng didn’t know how he was supposed to react to that. Should he laugh? Should he be jealous? Should he make a stupid comment about Lan Sizhui having a Baba? “He noticed you left, you know. The kid’s a Jiang Cheng whisperer‒he knows exactly what you’re feeling at all times. Said a funny little thing, too, about you being scared that I’m not going to return to Lotus Pier. I wonder where he got that from.”

Jiang Cheng huffed a laugh, “I assume Hanguang-Jun plans to steal you away into the Cloud Recesses now that he’s seen you again.”

“Do you think I haven’t seen him since I started staying in Lotus Pier? I’ve seen him,” Wei Wuxian said, a smug and teasing tone in his voice, “He wouldn’t drag me back unless I wanted to.”

“Don’t you want to?”

“When you’re older, you’ll understand better,” Wei Wuxian sighed. Jiang Cheng glared at him through wet eyes and elbowed him in the side, earning soft laughter as Wei Wuxian came closer. “I haven’t decided what I want to do yet. If you don’t plan on kicking me out of Lotus Pier, then I don’t want to leave yet.”

Yet.

“Ah, that kid,” Wei Wuxian said, quickly changing the subject and Jiang Cheng didn’t know whether to be thankful or annoyed. Part of him just wanted to kick Wei Wuxian out so he didn’t get used to the way things were just for him to leave. The whole thing had been a pipedream since they were little and yet… “Eighteen and such a good Sect Leader already. He’s got the best uncle in the world as his role model, so we shouldn’t be surprised. And, well, you’re there too.”

Wei Wuxian laughed like it was funny, but Jiang Cheng couldn’t find it in him to do anything but let his chin hit his chest. His fists clenched at his side. Eighteen years old and an angry boy who hadn’t smiled in years for anything other than his dog until a myth himself rose from the dead. He should hate Wei Wuxian for that alone. He wanted to hate him, it was easier. But he couldn’t. And A-jie wouldn’t want him to.

“She should be here,” Jiang Cheng said softly. Wei Wuxian breathed softly and moved a bit closer until he wrapped his arms around Jiang Cheng from behind in a hug. Instinct told him to push him off, but his arms wouldn’t move.

“She should,” Wei Wuxian agreed, “And I… I’m so sorry she’s not. I think if everyone had just listened to her, half of everything bad that happened to us wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Do you think we could’ve achieved world peace with her soup? I think we could’ve.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Jiang Cheng accused, but it came without any weight. Maybe he was right. She solved nearly every fight they had as long as they listened to her. 

“I know,” Wei Wuxian said, “I know and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I did.”

“It wasn’t…” 

They both fell silent, thinking too hard about regrets and lost time and lost everything. Wei Wuxian took a deep breath and sighed, giving Jiang Cheng a little squeeze. He had half a mind to hit him or elbow him in the stomach, but he wasn’t quite ready for him to let go.

“She would be proud of you,” Wei Wuxian said, “Jin Ling… He’s a little angry, but he’s good. He’s got a good heart, a good understanding of right and wrong. You taught him well.”

“I taught him to hate you.”

“Yeah, but he thought for himself and decided I wasn’t so bad, didn’t he? That’s how you know you did good, they’ll go against you if they feel it’s the right thing,” Wei Wuxian decided. Jiang Cheng closed his eyes.

“I made him lonely.”

“Mm, but that’s changing too. He’s got Zizhen and Sizhui and Jingyi‒they’re all good kids. They’re a little older and tease him, but they take care of each other. That’s all you can ask for, isn’t it? Someone to take care of you and tease you even when you’re a big, bad Sect Leader?” Wei Wuxian asked. Jiang Cheng huffed a laugh.

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

No, he really didn’t.