#janet w hardy

[thecyancat]

look, i don't know who needs to be told this, but people are responsible for their own emotions.

if someone is upset with you for "leading them on," that's not on you, that's on them. you did not make them come to the wrong conclusion, they got there on their own. that isn't your fault. if they loved you and cared about you as much as they said they do, they would not let their projections and fantasies get in the way of respecting your autonomy as a person. autonomy which includes choosing not to be in what is generally defined as a "relationship" with them.

similarly, it is important to own your feelings. it is no one else's fault that you feel the way you do. yes, your feelings are largely involuntary, but it is important to take responsibility for them, rather than blame others for how you feel. taking responsibility for your feelings means you get to empower yourself to choose how you react to them.

[sacredfolly-blog]

Writing Prompt 207 - what if it is easy?

Prompt “Is there, we wonder, some virtue in being difficult?” – Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton On Writing Breathe the sentence in. Exhale the sentence. Inhale and exhale each word. Now inhale and exhale the sentence. Then, go! There is only one rule, keep your hand moving. Don’t worry about grammar, spelling, or punctuation. If you feel stuck, keep writing anyway. Try going back to the prompt…

[campgender]

Whenever a player safewords, this is an occasion for mutual support. We understand that nobody safewords from a happy place, and that all of our egos feel frail and kind of runty when we need to back out of a scene. It is completely unethical to respond with scorn or ridicule to a person who has safeworded: S/M is not a competition, we are not playing against each other.

As tops, we have noticed that if we are having a good time and our bottom safewords, our initial feelings may not be happy. Whaddaya mean you don't like that? I do all this work and you don't appreciate it? I'm hot for being in control and you want me to stop? We have felt real anger and felt challenged in our top role... and, on a deeper level, we have felt put down, hurt and rejected. It is okay to have these feelings. It is not okay to act on them. Take three deep breaths and everybody start taking care of each other.

Sometimes bottoms get so deeply engaged in a scene that they fail to safeword, or forget, or so profoundly believe in the fantasy that it doesn't occur to them: many of the techniques we play with, like interrogation, function in the real world to undermine volition. Dossie remembers a scene in which a top offered her a choice of something or other: "I felt very confused. Some distant part of me vaguely remembered having made choices, but the response from my state of consciousness at that time was, Choose? I am not a thing that chooses." So then what is the top's responsibility?

If a bottom does not safeword and you don't pick up on what's going on, and this will happen if you play long enough and well enough, there is no blame. However, it is still your responsibility to monitor for physical safety as best you can. As ethical tops we make a commitment to never knowingly harm our bottoms. To this end we check in regularly to make sure that things are going the way we think they are, and we constantly monitor the physical and emotional safety of our bottoms. If a bottom is beyond safewording, and you as the top feel unsure about how far you should go, it is your responsibility to slow down or stop the scene and get into communication with the bottom to make sure you have informed consent. If you have to bring the bottom back into reality to do this, please remember that you helped get them into that altered state in the first place, so presumably you can help get them back there again as soon as you are sure of what's going on.

And just because someone safeworded doesn't mean that the scene has to be over. There may be times when the problem that brought either of you to safeword is so overwhelming that carrying on doesn't feel like the right thing right now - but most often we find that after we've dealt with whatever the difficulty is, we're still terrifically turned on, with the added bonus of a shared intimacy.

from The New Topping Book (2003) by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

(note: the authors use ‘top’ & ‘bottom’ in the historical S/M sense, meaning ‘person performing the act’ & ‘person receiving the act’; the act in question is not necessarily penetration.)

[polyamzeal]

got any polyam book recs

How many time do I need to reccomend the Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedecker Winston! I feel like I never shut up about it and still people have never heard of it! I am just going to create a quick list of all the polyam books I have read. Because when I was first learning about polyamory it felt like you were required to read certain books before you could get your polyamory license yet so many other people haven't read any books! One day I might write out longer reviews for these.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy- This is one of the first ever books focused on polyamory. As such it is a bit dated. Despite that I think it is still a good book that people can get a lot out of. Just keep its age in mind.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert - When I started learning about polyamory this was the holy bible of polyamory that everyone insisted that everybody must read. I honestly liked The Ethical Slut better though. Since then though the book has been utterly condemned by the community and people are now very quick to scream how nobody should read this book because Franklin Veaux was revealed to be abusive in his relationships so now suddenly the book is a guide to teach people how to be abusive in relationships. I guess??? Eve Ricket has put out multiple statements about the book about if people should still read it or not but I am sure I will miss something if I dive into that. Like more The Ethical Slut, just keep in mind it might have some problematic aspects. But I personally think there is still some good stuff in it that people might find value in. It has been a while since I read it but I don't remember it being problematic, just a bit dry and boring.

The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedecker Winston - I'm skipping right to this to say this is my favorite polyamory book! It is very unfortunate that that the title isn't great. And indeed it is written to be aimed at women but honestly I found very very little in the book to feel exclusive to women and not apply to me (a cis-male) just as much. I love this book so much that I re-typed up a passage from it, had it printed on a large poster, and framed.

Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha - This is another book that used to be worshipped in polyamory circles and wholehearted reccomended. I am so glad that it is now mostly forgotten. Why? BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A POLYAMORY BOOK! This is a very scientific anti-monogamy book. So I was waiting for all this set-up to talk about why polyamory fixes all these problems of monogamy it has taken so long to explain. Spoilers! Polyamory is only briefly mentioned in the epilogue of the book in a half-hearted, "Maybe this solution works for some people". Let's be clear, this is not a bad book. It is a very good book at using scientific evidence to point out flaws with monogamy and can lead to interesting discussion. But it is not a polyamroy book and shouldn't be recommended as such.

Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities by Kevin Patterson - Another great book that is highly underrated. But note this is not a Polyamory 101 book. I consider this a "next-level" polyamory book. And to be clear I am white/Caucasian and I learned so much from this book and really love it! It opened my eyes in so many ways.

The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families by Elisabeth Sheff - This isn't a bad book but I also didn't really find it to be a good book either. It feels neither pro-polyamory or anti-polyamory. Just a whole lot of stories and facts. I think it might be most interesting for a monogamous person to read.

Polyamory by Marissa Blake - Worst book I have ever listened to and I am pretty sure it is plagiarized. Been meaning to do a project where I research that claim but just haven't been interested in doing so. it is utter garbage.

The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival by Kathy Labriola - Another advanced level polyamory book. But I think an especially important one for everyone to read. When you date more people you have more breakups. And when "cheating" is far less of an issue it is becomes hard to understand when you should breakup.

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern - The new holy bible of polyamory that everybody in every polyamory group will recommend immediately. It is a good book but honestly I think it is overrated. I think it is aimed at a very certain kind of person struggling with polyamory but it didn't resonate a whole lot with me on a polyamory level. I thought Secure Attachment was very interesting but I felt the actual polyamory aspects of the book were a little lacking to me. I do recommend the book but maybe not as someone's first polyamroy book. I think there are better polyamory 101 books. To note I have not read Polywise yet, the authors sequel book that just came out. I think I have higher hopes for that one though.

Ready For Polyamory by Laura Boyle - Most recent book I read and I had wanted to write a full review but I forgot. This is a fairly good book. I feel like it doesn't stand out much from the other Polyamory 101 books but overall solid. The one place where I give it the most praise is it has the most up-to-date definitions of terms which over the years have evolved and changed over time. The spectrum of polyamory styles I think is especially important for people to read. Older books didn't mention this at all or it was only Parelle VS Kitchen Table. Now we have a much wider spectrum and I often see a common mistake for newbies is for 2 partners to be at different point of the spectrum and never acknowledging it.

Do you know of any polyamory books I missed that I should read? Please let me know!

[anarcho-smarmyism]

new poll forgot an option

50/50 chance I post selected quotes from the winner, or decide to read a different book if i hate the one yall choose

[duckprintspress]

National Non-Fiction Day: 31 Titles to Get Your Queer Learn On!

In the past year, we’ve posted a lot about our favorite queer fiction titles. We wanted to take Non-Fiction day to talk about the non-fiction titles that have impacted us! Whether self-help, memoirs, psychology, history, sociology, or a different non-fiction genre, these are books that have helped us learn, helped us teach, helped us improve, helped us see and be seen, and helped us be more informed. So join us as we introduce our thirty-one recommendations for National Non-Fiction Day!

Fine: A Comic About Gender by Rhea Ewing

Gender Born, Gender Made: Raising Healthy Gender-Nonconforming Children by Diane Ehrensaft

Dear Senthuran: A Black Spirit Memoir by Akwaeke Emezi

Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

Here For It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America by R. Eric Thomas

Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians by Austen Hartke

Bitch: On the Female of the Species by Lucy Cooke

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi

transister: Raising Twins in a Gender-Bending World by Kate Brookes

!Hola Papi!: How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot and Other Life Lessons by John Paul Brammer

Strangers: Homosexual Love in the Nineteenth Century by Graham Robb

London and the Culture of Homosexuality, 1885 – 1914 by Matt Cook

Queering Your Craft: Witchcraft from the Margins by Cassandra Snow

Female Husbands: A Trans History by Jen Manion

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Janet W. W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

The New Queer Conscience by Adam Eli

Before We Were Trans: A New History of Gender by Kit Heyam

Testosterone Rex: Myths of Sex, Science, and Society by Cordelia Fine

Peculiar Places: A Queer Crip History of White Rural Nonconformity by Ryan Lee Cartwright

Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference by Cordelia Fine

Queer Budapest, 1873 – 1961 by Anita Kurimay

LGBTQ-Inclusive Hospice and Palliative Care by Kimberly D. Acquaviva

Queering Colonial Natal: Indigeneity and the Violence of Belonging in Southern Africa by T. J. Tallie

Handbook of LGBT Elders: An Interdisciplinary Approach to Principles, Practices, and Policies edited by Debra A. Harley and Pamela B. Teaster

LGBT Transnational Identity and the Media by Christopher Pullen

Gender Diversity: Crosscultural Variations by Serena Nanda

LGBTQ Cultures: What Healthcare Professionals Need to Know about Sexual and Gender Diversity by M. J. Eliason and P. L. Chinn

The Terrible We: Thinking with Trans Maladjustment by Cameron Awkward-Rich

Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource for the Transgender Community edited by Laura Erickson-Schroth

You can view this list as a shelf on Goodreads!

It can be so difficult to find good non-fiction resources on queer topics. Which titles to DO you recommend?

[whimperaudioconnoisseur]

from the new topping book by dossie easton and janet w. hardy

[thekinkyqueerarchive]

What is Risk Aware Consenual Kink (RACK)? a brief summary

( I couldn't find a post so um ... heres me trying to explain it - please feel free to add on)

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is a framework used within the Kink community to ensure that activities are carried out in a safe, consensual, and informed manner. Many (if not all) kinks have some level of risk attatched to them by nature.

Participants need to be fully aware of the risks involved in the activities they are engaging in. This means that they have a thorough understanding of the potential physical, emotional, and psychological consequences.

AND freely give their informed consent to the activities. Consent must be explicit, enthusiastic, and can be withdrawn at any time.

well then - How do you be Risk Aware? A) Education and Research:

Understand the Activities: Learn about the specific kinks or activities you are interested in. This includes understanding the physical, emotional, and psychological risks involved.

Resources: Use books, articles, workshops, and online forums to gather information. Reputable sources include BDSM community websites, educational materials from experienced practitioners, and classes or workshops offered by knowledgeable instructors. B) Communication:

Discuss with Your Partner(s): Have open and honest conversations with your partner(s) about the activities you want to engage in. Discuss boundaries, limits, and expectations.

Establish Safewords: Agree on a safewords or signals (in the case that a verbal safeword cannot be used) to pause or stop the activity if anyone feels uncomfortable or unsafe. heres a helpful execrpt from The New Topping Book (2003) by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy on what to do in the event of a safeword

C) Preparation and Planning:

Set Boundaries: Clearly define and respect each other’s limits and boundaries. Know what is off-limits and what is acceptable.

Have a Plan: Create a plan for the activities, including steps to take in case of an emergency. This might include having first aid supplies on hand or knowing the location of the nearest hospital. heres a post by @/houndmother // pansy-butch giving some excellent advice about planning and running a scene

D) Risk Assessment:

Identify Potential Risks: Consider the potential risks of the activities. This includes physical risks (e.g., injury), emotional risks (e.g., trauma), and social risks (e.g., privacy concerns). these will be diffrent for diffrent kinks.

Mitigation Strategies: Develop strategies to minimize these risks. This might involve using safe words, ensuring you have the necessary skills and equipment, and having a clear aftercare plan.

E) Skill Building:

Training and Practice: some kinks may need necessary skills to perform activities safely. This might involve practicing techniques, learning from experienced practitioners, and participating in training sessions or workshops.

Continuous Learning: Stay updated with new information and techniques. The BDSM community is continually evolving, and staying informed helps ensure safer practices.

F) Aftercare:

Plan for Aftercare: Aftercare is the process of attending to the physical and emotional needs of all participants after a scene. This might include providing comfort, discussing the experience, and ensuring everyone feels safe and supported. Aftercare is crucial and non optional. it may look diffrent in diffrent dynamics, and that is valid so long as everyone feels adequately supported and cared for

Check-Ins: Follow up with your partner(s) after the activity to discuss how they felt and address any issues that may have arisen. heres a great post on aftercare by @//babygirlbondage

[twinkubus]

✨top books of 2023✨

Father of Lies, Brian Evenson (psychological horror centering on a mormon religious leader. if you like books that make you feel gross and bad, this one’s for you)

Any Other City, Hazel Jane Plante (fictional memoir of a trans musician. the book is split between her life right before she comes out, and then decades later when she’s an established musician)

Try, Dennis Cooper (imagine if salo, or the 120 days of sodom was a high school romance. that's basically this book)

The Feminist and the Sex Offender, Judith Levine & Erica R. Meiners (fairly in-depth discussion of non-carceral responses to sexual violence. you can read an overview and my thoughts here)

Anything That Moves, Jamie Stewart (autobiography/memoir of xiu xiu founding member, mostly featuring wild sex anecdotes. i loved this)

Assata: An Autobiography, Assata Shakur (imo a must read if you're interested in prison abolition & the history of (black-led) resistance to police brutality in the US)

The New Topping Book, Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy (topping & dominance tips from the authors who brought you the ethical slut!! i wouldn't say there was anything *brand new* that i hadn't considered in this book before, but it phrased things and connected them in ways i wouldn't necessarily have thought of. have been reading various polyam-adj books and this one was probably my favorite)

Hit Parade of Tears, Izumi Suzuki (anthology of 70s sci-fi stories translated from Japanese and published for the first time in English this year. one in particularly was a stand-out for me, but they are all worth reading!!)

Mama Black Widow, Iceberg Slim (fictionalized memoir of a black drag queen who grew up in Chicago in the 40s and 50s. not sure how to talk about this one without trivializing the topic, so i'll say that it's pretty heavy, but if you're interested in gay and/or chicago history you should definitely check it out)

not sure who of my mutuals reads enough to do their own but if you wanna, please tag me so i can see your recommendations!! :33

[polyamorousmood]

👋 hey there! do you have any polyam literature/history i could read up on? trying to learn more about us.

I've been sitting on this ask for a few days now because I am currently working on ready some poly stuff, and want to give Good Recommendations. But. . . Reading is slow🐌. And I don't want to leave this sitting here for months on end. ❄️🌱☀️🍁🧓

So I will leave you with a solemn promise 🙋 that I will make a post eventually with my findings, but for now, take the recommendations I have seen repeated by multiple sources or "required reading" lists (but you know, with the disclaimer I can't personally vouch for them).

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy -- As it says in the name is more of a guide than a history

Polysecure by Jessica Fern -- by all accounts, what is says on the tin: how to cultivate secure polyamorous relationships

For Fiction, I recommend checking this post and especially the notes

I hope others can add things they've heard of or would recommend as well!

[bread-bird-writes]

I’m so excited for the threesome man

Bro I’M excited for it. This info is gonna go in the author’s note too but I wrote it because I was reading The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy and IMMEDIATELY got a hankering to write kink negotiation. It’s not gonna be up everybody’s alley, but like. I’m very very pleased with it. Got like eight emails of excited comments from my beta this morning. Really hyped to post it!

[campgender]

Hi, love your blog, no pressure do you have any sex sociology etc related books or movies you recommended? Sorry if silly question!

not a silly question at all!! i love to read about this stuff & am always happy to talk about it :) i am however not very experienced with film so other than Bound being on my to-watch list since forever i don’t have any recommendations in that area

all of these recs are definitely at different points along a spectrum of how much i ascribe to or agree with; i avoid language of “safe, sane, & consensual,” for example, because i disagree with the requirement for safety and the positioning of sanity as synonymous with not doing harm. a lot of kink writing falls into the habit of trying to justify itself to normative society through language of health, which i find both useless & offensive lol. as far as content notes it’s also worth mentioning that many if not all of these works discuss stigma & trauma, including hate crimes, rape, and incest.

i have a prior list on my disability blog with recs about sex & disability, i highly recommend checking out my favorites from there! Emma Sheppard’s work in particular was life-changing for me. many of these were accumulated through her sources as well as from @gatheringbones ‘s excerpts

in no particular order:

sociology

Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy by Staci Newmahr

Safe, Sane and Consensual: Contemporary Perspectives on Sadomasochism, edited Darren Langdridge & Meg Barker

Sex and Disability, edited Robert McRuer & Anna Mollow

The Sexual Politics of Disability: Untold Desires by Tom Shakespeare, Kath Gillespie-Sells, & Dominic Davies

Unbreaking Our Hearts: Cultures of Un/Desirability and the Transformative Potential of Queercrip Porn by Loree Erickson (dissertation)

Dungeon Intimacies: The Poetics of Transsexual Sadomasochism by Susan Stryker (article)

Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex by Pat (now Patrick) Califia

Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, edited Mark Thompson

The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure, edited Tristan Taormino, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, Constance Penley, and Mireille Miller-Young

Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent by Katherine Angel

practicality

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, edited Pat (now Patrick) Califia

Fucking Trans Women by Mira Bellwether (zine)

sex writing

S/HE by Minnie Bruce Pratt

Skin by Dorothy Allison

Lover by Bertha Harris

Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love, and Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary, edited Morty Diamond

Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink by Midori

[cometcrystal]

While you are totally entitled to be squicked out by how other people engage in kink, saying certain stuff "isn't kink" or "isn't leather" because you personally don't like it isn't a very informed take. Leather and kink has always included stuff that was taboo, that was part of what made it a subculture to begin with. Gay sex was taboo, playing with sadomasochism was taboo, dubious consent was taboo, these things have always been a part of kink. Already people in the notes of that post are saying "yes raceplay and incestplay is too gross to be considered kink, those and CNC, petplay, ageplay, dubcon" ect. POC engage in raceplay, people who have survived csa engage in incestplay and cnc. People have their own reasons for engaging in kink the way they do. And kink is very focused on making sure people are playing in an informed, safe, and consensual way. Any public play space I've been too has maintained the rule of "don't yuck someone else's yum", while also educating on when kink becomes abuse and what is and isn't safe behavior. It's a space where people can explore these things that are taboo or squicky in a way where they are safe and informed. Saying these things aren't kink doesn't stop people from engaging in these things, and policing what is or isn't kink goes against what kink is to begin with honestly. I recommend actually like, reading books about kink and informing yourself, I personally recommend

The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino

Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

The New Topping/Bottoming Book by Dassie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

The Dominance Playbook by Anton Fulmen

Also like, actually talk with people who engage in kink and try to learn a bit about their perspective. You don't have to like what they do or "get it", but you also don't get to gatekeep a community you aren't even in.

[batvillainz]

Currently reading in order of activity :

The Princess Bride by William Goldman [ re-reading aloud to my love yay 💚 ] : 10/10

Woman Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés [ birthday gift from my grandma, an old favorite of hers ] 3/10

Dark Money by Jane Mayer 7/10

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easten & Janet W. Hardy [Just finished! Completely inhaled this] 10/10

[evildilf2]

would you be ok to share the kink/sex resource list? id love to have a look!

Sure! It’s not super comprehensive, but here’s a handful of things I’ve been able to find online for free. (the links should work if copy pasted, let me know if you have any issues). Keep in mind that I am not a professional sex educator or a specialist in this subject, so some of these resources may be outdated or imperfect.

ZINES/PDFS

Cruising: trans guys guide to the gay sex scene https://jirosworld.com/transgender/TransGuys-cliniq-safers.pdf

Fucking Trans Women https://transreads.org/fucking-trans-women/

Queer Sex Ed zine archive https://www.queersexedcc.com/zine-archive

BOOKS

The New Bottoming Book (has incorrect cover for some reason) https://anarchistbooks.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/dossie-easton-and-janet-w-hardy-e28093-the-new-topping-book.pdf

The New Topping Book https://archive.org/details/newtoppingbook0000east/page/n6/mode/1up?view=theater

SM 101 https://archive.org/details/sm101realisticin0000wise

Leatherfolk https://archive.org/details/isbn_9781555831875

The Erotic Mind https://archive.org/details/eroticmindunlock00mori

DOCUMENTARIES

Folsom Forever https://link.tubi.tv/AdErL6ZCryb

Kink Crusaders https://link.tubi.tv/v6i3Vy9Eryb

YOUTUBE

https://youtube.com/@ sexplanations

https://youtube.com/@WattsTheSafeword

https://youtube.com/@EvieLupine

https://youtube.com/@ hannahwitton

https://youtube.com/@KatBlaque

WEBSITES

https://www.kinkacademy.com/category/access/free/

https://ohiv.org/free-condoms/ <= not an educational resource, but a resource where you can get free contraception if you live in Ohio.

[sandboxer]

thank you for the tag @desireedelitee !

last song: 18 by Anarbor

currently reading: The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

currently watching: Wild Wild Country, it’s a docuseries about a religious cult and pretty good! also rewatching Disenchantment which is fantastic and a huge rec to anyone who enjoys adult animation and having fun

current obsession: this is possibly my nerdiest interest and I’ve been into it forever but lately I’ve heavily gotten back into marble races…. I implore everyone to look at jelle’s marble runs on youtube they’re so much fun it’s just fake teams of marbles that race on different tracks and there is a very dedicated subreddit 😤 let’s go limers worst team in the league

tagging: anyone who hasn’t done this and would like to!