#kink education

[certifiedsexed]

I feel as if I should mention: even if asking questions or asking for accommodations or safewording during sex did ruin the "mood", that only means you need to get comfortable with "ruining the mood".

You should not feel as if "ruining the mood" is worse than possibly hurting yourself or your partner(s), which is often what happens when you refuse to ask questions, request accommodations or safeword.

You should not feel as if "the vibe" is more important than y'all fully enjoying yourselves during sex. Because it is not and it never will be. Take care of yourselves and your partner(s)!

Fuck "the mood" and speak up. Anyone who gets upset at you for doing so is only showing you that they are not safe to be having sex with.

[angel-in-your-basement]

Here’s the thing that some people don’t seem to understand about sex & kink. You have to respect boundaries before you get to push them. You have to show people they’re safe before you get to make them feel scared. You have to respect people before you get to degrade them. You have to be normal with people before you get to be dirty with them. You can’t be skipping steps. Treating them like a person always comes before treating them like a toy.

[genderqueerdykes]

i'd generally say to take it with a grain of salt if someone is freaking the everloving fuck out over a kink being "Fetishizing". first of all: yea, most of the time, a kink's a fetish. like. duh?

but second of all, people on here hate kink and kinky people so much that cishet women who enjoy being spanked get told that they're enabling their husbands who just want to domestically abuse them. like one of the most common anti-kink arguments i see is that men who are into sadism aren't kinky they're just evil and looking for women to abuse, and that women who are into masochism are traumatized and scared and enabling their abusive husbands/partners.

what?

people are so wrapped up in their puritanical thinking. you gotta chase the catholic priest out of your head. if you freak out when people have anything other than vanilla biopenis in vagina sex, you have a lot of internalized sexual repression that needs working on. there's no good reason to jump to such wild conclusions when you find out that consenting adults have "weird" sex with each other.

[seapomelo]

I feel so alone most of the time and I'm slowly giving in to consuming content similar to what you post - I just wanted to know if you really believe the things you tell your girls

No, for me this is a kink. Due to various things I enjoy this stuff, but this is only my horny side. Outside of this, I am a proud feminist.

If you ever get the vibes that someone is saying that kind of stuff (or worse yet, doing it) for real, not just playing a misgonist/rapist/asshole, you better get the fuck out of that kind of situation. Better safe than sorry.

[thats-3vil-do-it-again]

How is your cheating kink "consentual" thats literally impossible

It is possible actually, because no one is actually cheating. I'm ✨️playing pretend✨️

Sort of like how when you're playing with a rape kink, no one is actually getting raped. Because everything has been consented to ahead of time

[certifiedsexed]

Not sure if this is your ballpark, but I do kinda need another perspective. Is it normal or okay for an asexual person to enjoy or be interested kinks and kink related activities? Most of my group immediately assumed I was being predatory with it because, and I quote "You don't benefit from it, so why would you ever want to be involved in it?" and I just?? I don't know

I mentioned wanting to look into self bondage because it seemed soothing as someone with chronic pain, to be able to take all the weight off certain parts of my body like that and was asking for general resources and now I don't really know what to do

Absolutely. Tons of asexual people engage in, enjoy and are generally interested in kink. There's nothing wrong or predatory with that.

There's so many different ways to be asexual and so many different ways to "benefit" or reasons to want to do kink, it's absolutely absurd to assume you'd be predatory for being interested in it.

And that's not even getting into the fact that you don't have to directly 'benefit' from something to want to try it or want to do it! Maybe you think it sounds kinda fun or maybe your partner is interested and you want to give it a shot, maybe you're just bored and want something to do, your reasons are your own business and just because you're not necessarily getting something like an orgasm out of it doesn't mean you're predatory for doing it.

What is predatory is coercing people into scenes, targeting people with far less experience than you so that you can take advantage of it, actual ignoring of boundaries and consent, not "I don't benefit from this (in an immediately recognizable way)".

I don't know what's going on with your group but that's an awful accusation, I'm sorry you had to deal with it. You shouldn't have to explain why you want to look into kink just because you're asexual!

What I'd recommend is to look into kink anyway and if people are assholes about it, tell them to mind their business. If they're your friends, tell them they're hurting your feelings making assumptions like that.

Here are some resources on safety with self-bondage if you're interested, by the way.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions, Anon! <3

[transsexualfiend]

Repeat after me: kink is not a "gateway" to committing a crime.

[canonicallysoulmates]

There's been too many cases of abusive men using BDSM as a way to gaslight their victims and excuse their abuse and I think one of the reasons why they get away with this so often is because, from what I have seen, they target women who are either new to the community or have no knowledge, or an erroneous idea, of what BDSM is and what healthy dom/sub dynamics are like so when they're confronted with their abuse they throw the BDSM card and take advantage of that lack of knowledge to get away with what they do. Which is why I know there's at least one person out there who needs to hear the following:

BDSM always involves consent.

You should be encouraged to share what you are into, what you aren't into, and what you're willing to try and if any of those things change. You can have boundaries and limitations. These can change.

A big part of BDSM is communication. If the person you're with makes you feel bad about this, or like you can't say that you don't like or don't want to try something they are not a dom, they are abusive.

Safewords and signals are things that should be discussed and their use encouraged. If the person you are with makes you feel bad about using your safeword or pausing the scene, they are not a dom, they are abusive.

You could have spent hours/days/months eagerly planning a scene that involves doing the kinkiest, freakiest things if at any point you change your mind you can revoke your consent. If the person, or people, you are having sex with doesn't stop that is not BDSM. That is abuse, that is rape, that is assault.

BECAUSE BDSM ALWAYS INVOLVES CONSENT.

And if a man who claims to be into BDSM and that they're a "dom" tries to tell you any different run in the opposite direction. They are not dominant, they are abusive.

[angel-in-your-basement]

For the love of god, praise and reassure your Dom after sex. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve told a Dom they did a good job after sex and they’re like “???? Why are you saying that???” It’s INSANE. Aftercare goes both ways! Praise! Your! Dom! Tell them the specific things you liked! Tell them how hot they were! Tell them that you appreciate them taking control! It goes such a long way, trust me.

[kinkeducationstation]

Asking them questions during the scene is not only hot because you make them use their words it keeps you aware of their mental state btw~

[campgender]

Whenever a player safewords, this is an occasion for mutual support. We understand that nobody safewords from a happy place, and that all of our egos feel frail and kind of runty when we need to back out of a scene. It is completely unethical to respond with scorn or ridicule to a person who has safeworded: S/M is not a competition, we are not playing against each other.

As tops, we have noticed that if we are having a good time and our bottom safewords, our initial feelings may not be happy. Whaddaya mean you don't like that? I do all this work and you don't appreciate it? I'm hot for being in control and you want me to stop? We have felt real anger and felt challenged in our top role... and, on a deeper level, we have felt put down, hurt and rejected. It is okay to have these feelings. It is not okay to act on them. Take three deep breaths and everybody start taking care of each other.

Sometimes bottoms get so deeply engaged in a scene that they fail to safeword, or forget, or so profoundly believe in the fantasy that it doesn't occur to them: many of the techniques we play with, like interrogation, function in the real world to undermine volition. Dossie remembers a scene in which a top offered her a choice of something or other: "I felt very confused. Some distant part of me vaguely remembered having made choices, but the response from my state of consciousness at that time was, Choose? I am not a thing that chooses." So then what is the top's responsibility?

If a bottom does not safeword and you don't pick up on what's going on, and this will happen if you play long enough and well enough, there is no blame. However, it is still your responsibility to monitor for physical safety as best you can. As ethical tops we make a commitment to never knowingly harm our bottoms. To this end we check in regularly to make sure that things are going the way we think they are, and we constantly monitor the physical and emotional safety of our bottoms. If a bottom is beyond safewording, and you as the top feel unsure about how far you should go, it is your responsibility to slow down or stop the scene and get into communication with the bottom to make sure you have informed consent. If you have to bring the bottom back into reality to do this, please remember that you helped get them into that altered state in the first place, so presumably you can help get them back there again as soon as you are sure of what's going on.

And just because someone safeworded doesn't mean that the scene has to be over. There may be times when the problem that brought either of you to safeword is so overwhelming that carrying on doesn't feel like the right thing right now - but most often we find that after we've dealt with whatever the difficulty is, we're still terrifically turned on, with the added bonus of a shared intimacy.

from The New Topping Book (2003) by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

(note: the authors use ‘top’ & ‘bottom’ in the historical S/M sense, meaning ‘person performing the act’ & ‘person receiving the act’; the act in question is not necessarily penetration.)

[bloodless-blair]

Why Dark Fiction, Kink, and Taboo Stories Matter for Mental Health

A trauma-informed, psychology-backed defense

1. Writing and Creativity as Healing Tools

Writing, drawing, roleplay, and other forms of creative expression help people externalize their internal chaos.

“Expressive writing helps individuals process difficult emotions and traumatic experiences, contributing to improved mental and physical health.”

– [Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016]

This is why some trauma survivors turn to:

Dark fiction

Kink writing

Taboo themes

Horror, violence, or morally grey characters

It’s not about glorifying harm. It’s about creating a safe and controlled space to confront emotional pain, explore agency, and begin healing

2. Creativity Works Like Therapy

Much like art therapy, engaging in creative tasks (even ones with heavy or “inappropriate” themes) reduces symptoms of:

PTSD

Depression

Anxiety

“Creative activities often lead to a state of 'flow'… associated with mindfulness and relaxation. This can empower individuals to navigate trauma more effectively.”

– [Stuckey & Nobel, 2010]

Creating (or consuming) taboo fiction allows the person to:

Control the narrative

Feel seen in experiences that are often stigmatized

Build emotional resilience through storytelling and catharsis

While writing alone won’t heal trauma, psychologists recognize it as a valid coping tool. Expressive writing lets people process pain, explore emotions, and regain a sense of control—especially for those living with PTSD or deep emotional wounds.

3. Horror, Kink, and Taboo as Exposure Therapy

Trauma often involves fear, powerlessness, or shame—kinks and horror fiction let people safely reenact, challenge, or reclaim those dynamics.

“Horror media… taps into deep-seated fears and anxieties… [and] aligns with exposure therapy by letting individuals confront fear in a controlled setting.”

– [Foa & Kozak, 1986]

“This controlled exposure can help trauma survivors regain a sense of agency and control.”

– [Pittman & Karle, 2015]

This is why kinks like BDSM, powerplay, or even fetish content about fear or degradation can feel therapeutic when engaged consensually and responsibly.

4. Bibliotherapy: How Fiction Helps Us Cope

Reading about dark topics also helps. That’s called Bibliotherapy—and it works.

Bibliotherapy—the use of fiction and reading for emotional healing—has been recommended by mental health professionals for decades. It’s not just self-soothing; it’s structured, reflective, and evidence-based.

“Bibliotherapy has a reported success rate ranging from 68% to 84%, with some studies showing even 100% improvement.”

– [Shechtman, 2009]

Reading fiction (especially dark, challenging, or symbolic stories) gives people safe access to difficult feelings. Much like EMDR therapy creates “safe space” scenarios to revisit trauma, bibliotherapy lets readers explore pain indirectly, without immediate real-life stakes. This allows for desensitization, insight, and the development of personal agency—all crucial for healing.

Fiction doesn’t just distract—it builds inner resilience.

5. In Conclusion

Not every dark or explicit piece of media is “problematic.” For many, it’s survival. It’s where we:

Rehearse safety

Reclaim control

And explore trauma-driven feelings in a safe, harmless way

Shaming trauma-informed art, kink, or dark fiction does not protect victims—it isolates them.

sources undercut

[certifiedsexed]

Hi! So um. If somebody has a kink that clearly comes from their trauma, is it healthy to engage with that kink, or could it just make it worse? I’m not really sure how else to elaborate, but that’s my question yeah😅 Thanks, I hope you can help

Hello!

This entirely depends on the person. It helps for some people, it's unhelpful for others. It's perfectly fine to try, though, just be prepared it might be triggering!

Whether it's healthy or not is something that varies from person to person and even when they're doing it (for example, sometimes, depending on mental health, it could be more or less healthy), so I can't really say specifically one way or another.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions. <3

[angel-in-your-basement]

The best kink experiences I’ve had with people are the ones that are very fluid. Where you can flow easily between being silly/awkward and sexy/serious. I used to get so worried about “ruining the mood”, but all that did was put unnecessary pressure on everything. It’s so much better when you just get to be your whole self with people, and you feel comfortable to do so. When there isn’t the expectation to perform. Where you can just be a human being having a human experience. That’s the kind of sex I want to have.

[casualbystander98]

Kink Education Time - Consent

So, everyone knows that consent is incredibly important in kink. It's incredibly important everywhere, but especially when one wrong move means a consent violation. But kink often involves pretending to violate consent (CNC). So, how do you navigate consent in kink in the safest and most knowledgeable way possible? The answer lies in two things. First, safewords and other safety items. You probably know about safewords, but what about drop items, or other ways of communicating consent? The second category is less commonly-known: consent acronyms.

Safewords & Safety Items

Safewords are basically flags that you can raise that inform your partner(s) about your current state in the scene. The most obvious benefit to using safewords is that, plainly, a play partner can scream, "no, please, stop, leave me alone", without ending the scene. Meanwhile, they can just say, for example, "Pineapple!" to end the scene at any time. Usually, there are three categories: Green, Yellow, and Red.

Green safewords are meant to mean "everything is all good; please continue". This category isn't really used unless one partner wants to check in on the other partner. An example would be that, during a spanking scene, the giving partner notices that the receiving partner is crying. They may ask, "Are you okay?" They may also use a pre-negotiated term to check in, such as a code word. At which point, the receiving partner may respond with their green safeword if they're doing fine and want to proceed.

Yellow safewords are used to caution the other participant(s) in the scene. Their basic meaning is, "Hey, I'm doing mostly okay right now, but we're close to my limit. Please be careful." To some people, yellow means "do not do anything more than what you're doing right now". To others, yellow means "keep going, do what you wanted to, but I may need to use red soon". It can even mean "I'd like to talk to you about this, can we pause for a minute?" It is absolutely vital for both partners to know what yellow safewords mean before play begins.

Red safewords are the ultimate safeguard. Red means "stop". No questions, no exceptions. If you are doing a kind of play that can't be stopped right away (such as rope suspension), you must begin the process of stopping play. In some cases, that means taking drastic measures. In the case of rope suspension, that can even mean cutting the rope away from them immediately. Red safewords must be obeyed at all costs. Refusing to honor a red safeword is sexual assault. Always be mindful of your partner's red safewords in particular.

It should also be noted that safewords are not just for the receiving partner. Everyone gets safewords, and everyone can use them at any time, for any reason. It's important to know what someone's safewords are before play begins, so you can recognize them when you hear them. However, a commonly-used set of safewords is the stoplight system ("red" for red, "yellow" for yellow, "green" for green). Usually, in most cases, using those safewords is absolutely fine, and no other words are needed.

Safety Items/Nonverbal Safewords

Safewords are all well and good. But what if the person is gagged? How do you safeword with a dildo gag shoved down your throat? These are important considerations for any play. You can have many different nonverbal safewords,as long as they're discussed with your partner beforehand. It could be a hand signal, or three claps, or a little red card in their hand. Another commonly-used solution is what's called a "drop item". The person is given something heavy to hold, like a book, that they can drop if they need a check-in. If you're doing a form of play that prevents someone from talking, ALWAYS have nonverbal safewords in place.

Consent Acronyms

This section is more about what consent can actually mean in kink. Typically, people subscribe to one of four "ideologies" when it comes to consent: SSC, PRICK, FRIES, or RACK. Other acronyms exist, but these are the most common. The basic idea behind any consent acronym is to get you to think about what actually goes into consent, and how someone can say "yes" to something WITHOUT actually consenting. Understanding these acronyms is a great way to prevent your own consent from being violated, as well as to prevent violating others' consent, even without your awareness. I'll be explaining each of those four acronyms below in brief detail, but I highly recommend that you research consent acronyms yourself.

SSC - Safe, Sane, and Consensual

SSC is the most common, and "basic" acronym. The guiding principle of this acronym is that, in order for something to be consensual, the act must be safe, sane, and consented to by both parties. This means that you must take all necessary precautions (such as safewords, safety shears, etc.), you must both be of sound minds, and you must both give express consent before play begins. Some complaints about this acronym are about the "safe" and "sane" portions, because kink inherently has risks (making it unsafe from the start), and some kinks could be considered "insane" (like flesh hooks or branding).

PRICK - Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink

Some people prefer PRICK for its acknowledgement that kink can be dangerous. The basic idea of PRICK is that everyone has a responsibility to learn how to go about their kink lives as safely as possible. This also includes educating yourself on consent, in all its aspects, and how to respect it at all times.

RACK - Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

RACK is similar to PRICK in that it emphasizes knowing the risks to all parties inherent in your play. This includes all mental, social, physical, psychological, and/or sexual risks. The idea behind this acronym is that, unless you're aware of all of the risks, no play is truly consensual.

FRIES - Freely-given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific

FRIES refers to the act of giving consent itself. This ideology argues that nothing is consensual unless it matches those 5 criteria. This acronym was pioneered by Planned Parenthood, and is a favorite amongst kinksters. The idea is that unless consent is 1) given freely (under no coercion or force), 2) reversible (able to be rescinded at any time for any reason), 3) informed (such as with RACK or PRICK), 4) enthusiastic (basically just not reluctant; you can also just do kink because you're fine with it, not because you're absolutely thrilled to do it), and 5) specific (as in you are made aware of all acts that could happen beforehand for you to specifically consent to).

You may notice that these ideologies can coexist. They should. A truly responsible and safe kinkster will consider all of these when playing. They all have very valuable messages that you should internalize and keep in mind during your play. If anyone has any other consent acronyms they'd like to share, please do so in the reblogs/replies!

[otarope]

Steelex suffering through a multiple tenugui gag. Come to "Soft Silence" at Filthy Studios on April 17th to learn how to use tenuguis as gags and blindfolds in a shibari context. M: Steelex bit.ly/softsilence