#kink education

[certifiedsexed]

I feel as if I should mention: even if asking questions or asking for accommodations or safewording during sex did ruin the "mood", that only means you need to get comfortable with "ruining the mood".

You should not feel as if "ruining the mood" is worse than possibly hurting yourself or your partner(s), which is often what happens when you refuse to ask questions, request accommodations or safeword.

You should not feel as if "the vibe" is more important than y'all fully enjoying yourselves during sex. Because it is not and it never will be. Take care of yourselves and your partner(s)!

Fuck "the mood" and speak up. Anyone who gets upset at you for doing so is only showing you that they are not safe to be having sex with.

[angel-in-your-basement]

For the love of god, praise and reassure your Dom after sex. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve told a Dom they did a good job after sex and they’re like “???? Why are you saying that???” It’s INSANE. Aftercare goes both ways! Praise! Your! Dom! Tell them the specific things you liked! Tell them how hot they were! Tell them that you appreciate them taking control! It goes such a long way, trust me.

[transsexualfiend]

Repeat after me: kink is not a "gateway" to committing a crime.

[canonicallysoulmates]

There's been too many cases of abusive men using BDSM as a way to gaslight their victims and excuse their abuse and I think one of the reasons why they get away with this so often is because, from what I have seen, they target women who are either new to the community or have no knowledge, or an erroneous idea, of what BDSM is and what healthy dom/sub dynamics are like so when they're confronted with their abuse they throw the BDSM card and take advantage of that lack of knowledge to get away with what they do. Which is why I know there's at least one person out there who needs to hear the following:

BDSM always involves consent.

You should be encouraged to share what you are into, what you aren't into, and what you're willing to try and if any of those things change. You can have boundaries and limitations. These can change.

A big part of BDSM is communication. If the person you're with makes you feel bad about this, or like you can't say that you don't like or don't want to try something they are not a dom, they are abusive.

Safewords and signals are things that should be discussed and their use encouraged. If the person you are with makes you feel bad about using your safeword or pausing the scene, they are not a dom, they are abusive.

You could have spent hours/days/months eagerly planning a scene that involves doing the kinkiest, freakiest things if at any point you change your mind you can revoke your consent. If the person, or people, you are having sex with doesn't stop that is not BDSM. That is abuse, that is rape, that is assault.

BECAUSE BDSM ALWAYS INVOLVES CONSENT.

And if a man who claims to be into BDSM and that they're a "dom" tries to tell you any different run in the opposite direction. They are not dominant, they are abusive.

[seapomelo]

I feel so alone most of the time and I'm slowly giving in to consuming content similar to what you post - I just wanted to know if you really believe the things you tell your girls

No, for me this is a kink. Due to various things I enjoy this stuff, but this is only my horny side. Outside of this, I am a proud feminist.

If you ever get the vibes that someone is saying that kind of stuff (or worse yet, doing it) for real, not just playing a misgonist/rapist/asshole, you better get the fuck out of that kind of situation. Better safe than sorry.

[certifiedsexed]

What does 'asking for someone's color' mean?

If we're talking in reference to sex/kink, it's usually about the Stoplight System. It's used for checking in with your partner(s), especially during kink scenes.

You ask someone their color and there are responses you agree upon beforehand.

Usually, you have Red, for "stop right now". Yellow, usually for "pause/slow down" and Green, usually for "all good".

You can add others on as well, or slightly alter the meanings for each color as you and your partner(s) need. It's a fairly popular system in a lot of kink communities.

Hope this helps, lemme know if you have any other questions. <3

[angel-in-your-basement]

Here’s the thing that some people don’t seem to understand about sex & kink. You have to respect boundaries before you get to push them. You have to show people they’re safe before you get to make them feel scared. You have to respect people before you get to degrade them. You have to be normal with people before you get to be dirty with them. You can’t be skipping steps. Treating them like a person always comes before treating them like a toy.

[campgender]

Whenever a player safewords, this is an occasion for mutual support. We understand that nobody safewords from a happy place, and that all of our egos feel frail and kind of runty when we need to back out of a scene. It is completely unethical to respond with scorn or ridicule to a person who has safeworded: S/M is not a competition, we are not playing against each other.

As tops, we have noticed that if we are having a good time and our bottom safewords, our initial feelings may not be happy. Whaddaya mean you don't like that? I do all this work and you don't appreciate it? I'm hot for being in control and you want me to stop? We have felt real anger and felt challenged in our top role... and, on a deeper level, we have felt put down, hurt and rejected. It is okay to have these feelings. It is not okay to act on them. Take three deep breaths and everybody start taking care of each other.

Sometimes bottoms get so deeply engaged in a scene that they fail to safeword, or forget, or so profoundly believe in the fantasy that it doesn't occur to them: many of the techniques we play with, like interrogation, function in the real world to undermine volition. Dossie remembers a scene in which a top offered her a choice of something or other: "I felt very confused. Some distant part of me vaguely remembered having made choices, but the response from my state of consciousness at that time was, Choose? I am not a thing that chooses." So then what is the top's responsibility?

If a bottom does not safeword and you don't pick up on what's going on, and this will happen if you play long enough and well enough, there is no blame. However, it is still your responsibility to monitor for physical safety as best you can. As ethical tops we make a commitment to never knowingly harm our bottoms. To this end we check in regularly to make sure that things are going the way we think they are, and we constantly monitor the physical and emotional safety of our bottoms. If a bottom is beyond safewording, and you as the top feel unsure about how far you should go, it is your responsibility to slow down or stop the scene and get into communication with the bottom to make sure you have informed consent. If you have to bring the bottom back into reality to do this, please remember that you helped get them into that altered state in the first place, so presumably you can help get them back there again as soon as you are sure of what's going on.

And just because someone safeworded doesn't mean that the scene has to be over. There may be times when the problem that brought either of you to safeword is so overwhelming that carrying on doesn't feel like the right thing right now - but most often we find that after we've dealt with whatever the difficulty is, we're still terrifically turned on, with the added bonus of a shared intimacy.

from The New Topping Book (2003) by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

(note: the authors use ‘top’ & ‘bottom’ in the historical S/M sense, meaning ‘person performing the act’ & ‘person receiving the act’; the act in question is not necessarily penetration.)

[casualbystander98]

Kink Education Time - Consent

So, everyone knows that consent is incredibly important in kink. It's incredibly important everywhere, but especially when one wrong move means a consent violation. But kink often involves pretending to violate consent (CNC). So, how do you navigate consent in kink in the safest and most knowledgeable way possible? The answer lies in two things. First, safewords and other safety items. You probably know about safewords, but what about drop items, or other ways of communicating consent? The second category is less commonly-known: consent acronyms.

Safewords & Safety Items

Safewords are basically flags that you can raise that inform your partner(s) about your current state in the scene. The most obvious benefit to using safewords is that, plainly, a play partner can scream, "no, please, stop, leave me alone", without ending the scene. Meanwhile, they can just say, for example, "Pineapple!" to end the scene at any time. Usually, there are three categories: Green, Yellow, and Red.

Green safewords are meant to mean "everything is all good; please continue". This category isn't really used unless one partner wants to check in on the other partner. An example would be that, during a spanking scene, the giving partner notices that the receiving partner is crying. They may ask, "Are you okay?" They may also use a pre-negotiated term to check in, such as a code word. At which point, the receiving partner may respond with their green safeword if they're doing fine and want to proceed.

Yellow safewords are used to caution the other participant(s) in the scene. Their basic meaning is, "Hey, I'm doing mostly okay right now, but we're close to my limit. Please be careful." To some people, yellow means "do not do anything more than what you're doing right now". To others, yellow means "keep going, do what you wanted to, but I may need to use red soon". It can even mean "I'd like to talk to you about this, can we pause for a minute?" It is absolutely vital for both partners to know what yellow safewords mean before play begins.

Red safewords are the ultimate safeguard. Red means "stop". No questions, no exceptions. If you are doing a kind of play that can't be stopped right away (such as rope suspension), you must begin the process of stopping play. In some cases, that means taking drastic measures. In the case of rope suspension, that can even mean cutting the rope away from them immediately. Red safewords must be obeyed at all costs. Refusing to honor a red safeword is sexual assault. Always be mindful of your partner's red safewords in particular.

It should also be noted that safewords are not just for the receiving partner. Everyone gets safewords, and everyone can use them at any time, for any reason. It's important to know what someone's safewords are before play begins, so you can recognize them when you hear them. However, a commonly-used set of safewords is the stoplight system ("red" for red, "yellow" for yellow, "green" for green). Usually, in most cases, using those safewords is absolutely fine, and no other words are needed.

Safety Items/Nonverbal Safewords

Safewords are all well and good. But what if the person is gagged? How do you safeword with a dildo gag shoved down your throat? These are important considerations for any play. You can have many different nonverbal safewords,as long as they're discussed with your partner beforehand. It could be a hand signal, or three claps, or a little red card in their hand. Another commonly-used solution is what's called a "drop item". The person is given something heavy to hold, like a book, that they can drop if they need a check-in. If you're doing a form of play that prevents someone from talking, ALWAYS have nonverbal safewords in place.

Consent Acronyms

This section is more about what consent can actually mean in kink. Typically, people subscribe to one of four "ideologies" when it comes to consent: SSC, PRICK, FRIES, or RACK. Other acronyms exist, but these are the most common. The basic idea behind any consent acronym is to get you to think about what actually goes into consent, and how someone can say "yes" to something WITHOUT actually consenting. Understanding these acronyms is a great way to prevent your own consent from being violated, as well as to prevent violating others' consent, even without your awareness. I'll be explaining each of those four acronyms below in brief detail, but I highly recommend that you research consent acronyms yourself.

SSC - Safe, Sane, and Consensual

SSC is the most common, and "basic" acronym. The guiding principle of this acronym is that, in order for something to be consensual, the act must be safe, sane, and consented to by both parties. This means that you must take all necessary precautions (such as safewords, safety shears, etc.), you must both be of sound minds, and you must both give express consent before play begins. Some complaints about this acronym are about the "safe" and "sane" portions, because kink inherently has risks (making it unsafe from the start), and some kinks could be considered "insane" (like flesh hooks or branding).

PRICK - Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink

Some people prefer PRICK for its acknowledgement that kink can be dangerous. The basic idea of PRICK is that everyone has a responsibility to learn how to go about their kink lives as safely as possible. This also includes educating yourself on consent, in all its aspects, and how to respect it at all times.

RACK - Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

RACK is similar to PRICK in that it emphasizes knowing the risks to all parties inherent in your play. This includes all mental, social, physical, psychological, and/or sexual risks. The idea behind this acronym is that, unless you're aware of all of the risks, no play is truly consensual.

FRIES - Freely-given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific

FRIES refers to the act of giving consent itself. This ideology argues that nothing is consensual unless it matches those 5 criteria. This acronym was pioneered by Planned Parenthood, and is a favorite amongst kinksters. The idea is that unless consent is 1) given freely (under no coercion or force), 2) reversible (able to be rescinded at any time for any reason), 3) informed (such as with RACK or PRICK), 4) enthusiastic (basically just not reluctant; you can also just do kink because you're fine with it, not because you're absolutely thrilled to do it), and 5) specific (as in you are made aware of all acts that could happen beforehand for you to specifically consent to).

You may notice that these ideologies can coexist. They should. A truly responsible and safe kinkster will consider all of these when playing. They all have very valuable messages that you should internalize and keep in mind during your play. If anyone has any other consent acronyms they'd like to share, please do so in the reblogs/replies!

[madamejadex]

Hi Miss Jade!

I was wondering, since you mentioned a contract in one of your responses, how does such contract look like? What needs to be included and what are some things that should or are good to include in such contract? Is it the whole extend of a talk you are supposed to have with your partner?

I hope you are doing good and have a lovely rest of the day! 🎔

-🦀

Hello, my sweet one. I absolutely adore that you wish to know more about D/s contracts.

So, let’s talk about contracts, shall we?

So what is a BDSM contract? Well a BDSM contract is simply a mutual agreement between partners that outlines the shape of your dynamic. It’s not about being cold or rigid, it’s about creating safety, clarity, and intention. Think of it as a gentle foundation for the power you want to share.

And no, it’s not the only conversation you’ll have, far from it. But it’s a beautiful way to make sure you’re both being heard and held right from the start.

What should a BDSM contract include? It can be as short or as detailed as you both like, but here are some key areas you may want to cover:

1. Identities and roles

Names or scene names

Pronouns

Defined roles (Dominant, submissive, switch, pet, little, etc.)

2. Limits

Hard limits: acts or language that are completely off-limits

Soft limits: things that require caution, mood-based, or only in certain contexts

3. Safewords & Communication Tools

Agreed safewords (many use the stoplight system: green/yellow/red)

Non-verbal signals (especially for gagged or non-verbal play)

Check-in frequency or aftercare signals

4. Agreed Activities / Play Preferences

Kinks and fetishes you both enjoy

Specific things you’d like to explore or avoid

Frequency of scenes (if relevant)

5. Aftercare

What kind of care each person needs after a scene (touch, space, words, snacks, etc.)

Who provides what

How long aftercare typically lasts

6. Expectations Outside of Scenes

Is this a scene-only dynamic, or does the dynamic extend into daily life?

Will honorifics be used all the time, or only during scenes?

What does “Dominance” or “submission” look like in everyday interactions?

7. Review Terms & Consent Refreshers

How often will you revisit or revise this contract? (every month, 3 months, etc.)

Is it a time-limited contract, or open-ended with periodic check-ins?

A reminder that consent is ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time

8. Optional Sweet Details

Rituals (kneeling, greeting phrases, collaring, etc.)

Pet names or honorifics

Goals you’re working toward as a pair

A written statement of devotion, care, or intent (some like to include a little vow 💋)

Don't see a D/s contract as a finish line, see it as the beginning. It’s the first step toward something sacred. It says, “This is what I need to feel safe in your hands. And this is what I promise when I hold you in mine.”

And remember that D/s contracts can look very different and are living documents, shaped by the unique needs of a specific dynamic. And this is simply suggestions to help build a strong foundation. So if you have any more questions, sweetie, don’t hesitate to ask.

xo Miss Jade

[seapomelo]

ALWAYS ASK FOR CONSENT. NEVER VIOLATE BOUNDARIES. UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR PLAY PARTNERS WANT AND DON'T WANT.

This is my kink blog where I explore my fantasies. The things I post here are either my fantasies or exaggerated real life events.

I'm a leftist through and through, so if you are a rightoid, don't interact - I'll block you

IRL I try my best to not violate boundaries set up by my play partners. I always try to respect consent. I say try, because CNC and rape kink are founded on violence, physical or psychological, and in my experience even talking extensively beforehand about a scene can turn up with different understanding from both sides.

This is why safewords and signs are important. Always respect them! Aftercare is also very important, so that the bad feelings in your sub won't stick. Always talk about your scenes afterward. Not only so you can praise and be praised, but, most importantly, so that you know what went wrong and can be fixed!

Having that out of the way, a little bit about me.

My main kinks that I will be exploring here are:

Ownership

Degradation

Corruption

Misogyny

Petplay

Dumbification and bimbofication

I welcome any DMs or asks you send my way.

[angel-in-your-basement]

The best kink experiences I’ve had with people are the ones that are very fluid. Where you can flow easily between being silly/awkward and sexy/serious. I used to get so worried about “ruining the mood”, but all that did was put unnecessary pressure on everything. It’s so much better when you just get to be your whole self with people, and you feel comfortable to do so. When there isn’t the expectation to perform. Where you can just be a human being having a human experience. That’s the kind of sex I want to have.

[sharpth1ng]

not sure if this is a weird question but is it normal to actually want to be cut during sex? ngl debaser kind of awakened something in me LMAOO but im not sure if thats even a normal or safe thing to actually want irl or how thatd even come up in convo w my partner lol nd i just kinda feel like a weirdo 😭😭 would i be a terrible person for wanting that or wanting to do that to someone even with full consent? like i dont wna cause crazy trauma or something

Alright so when it comes to kink its worth asking what normal is. Is normal average? Because there's lots of kink activity thats not average or common, but that doesn't make it wrong to do with caution and consent.

Second consideration: is it safe? No. But a lot of kink play isn't safe, and neither is vanilla sex.

Choking as an example is a really risky kind of play. If you don't know how to position your hand you could easily damage the trachea, and you really dont want someone without oxygen for long because brain damage could occur. Someone should never be allowed to pass out from choking, thats an extreme risk.

There are safer ways of choking, like compressing the blood vessels in the side of the neck, but it's not risk free. The safest option is covering their mouth and nose but that's also not risk free.

Similarly, slapping in the face can cause injury to the neck if you dont brace their head, and it can bust an eardrum if your hand hits in the wrong place.

I think of most kink like bungee jumping or scuba diving. If you do it with knowledge and caution things shouldn't go wrong, but sometimes even with experience people doing everything right mistakes can happen. That's why you sign a consent waiver.

The approach I take is called RACK- Risk Aware Consensual Kink. It means you want to always be knowledgable about what risk could occur, you want to take all reasonable safety measures, and you want everyone involved to be freely consenting with full awareness of that risk.

In terms of knife or bloodplay specifically we're talking about something on the riskier side. Specifically you need to worry about blood-born illness and the possibility of infection from unclean equipment, you need to know exactly where and how deep to cut so you can avoid arteries or significant blood loss, and you need to be aware of the fact that just dropping or slipping with a knife could cause real injury.

Psychological Safety

Beyond that knives and being cut are things that cause real visceral reactions in people. Its really really hard to predict how you or someone else is going to react to that, and whenever you're doing kink of any kind you need to be ready for the possibility of a psychological response that means you have to stop and give or receive care.

That counts for both the cutter and the one being cut, sub and top drop are real things, so even if the scene itself goes well its really important to check in with each other and take care after it happens.

I personally have been hit with immense feelings of guilt after a scene that was fully consensual and went well. I had fun while i was doing it and so did my partner, but it's also a lot of adrenaline and when that wears off sometimes self-judgment creeps in.

As kinky people we're constantly fighting against societal perceptions of us as morally problematic, and sometimes that crashes in on you. Luckily I've had partners i could check in with, who would reassure me that they had fun and I'm not a monster.

The sub might also have feelings of guilt or self judgment after a scene, but also any cutting or blood loss carries the risk of shock, so it important to make sure you have something like juice on hand for them after, to make sure they can get their blood sugar up. It's also important to make sure cuts are properly cleaned and bandaged after.

In general you only want to do this with someone you trust deeply and feel comfortable speaking up to if something is wrong. Its extremely important to be able to communicate openly and honestly with anyone you're going to do kink with.

Physical Safety

In terms of physical safety, it's best to do this with someone you're fluid bonded to. Fluid bonding is mutual consent that your bodily fluids can be in contact with each other, often this means cum but it can mean blood too.

The reason this is important is because bodily fluids can carry STIs and other infections. You want to get fully tested (including hepatitis and HIV, which aren't always routinely tested for) before fluid bonding with someone. If you have multiple partners it's important to always get tested again between them. Always be aware of what you may be exposing yourself to, and know that even being as careful as possible doesn't completely eliminate risk.

If you or your partner is on blood thinners, has drank alcohol, or has something that causes excess bleeding or difficulty clotting its probably best to avoid this entirely.

Otherwise is also very important to be knowledgable and careful about where and how you're cutting. You want to be knowledgable and careful about your equipment too, because something like a little rust could cause tetanus.

Im going to say absolutely do not do knifeplay until you thoroughly read this resource: https://www.knifeplay.io/safety

Even if you dont buy the book, just scroll down. It's got extensive information about how to choose equipment, safety in terms of where you're cutting and how, as well as other risks to be aware of and what to do in an emergency.

I cant lie, it's a lot of information and you need to know it all. Knife-play is a fairly advanced kind of kink, and its one of those things that requires a lot of studying (in case you didnt know most kinksters are fucking nerds).

Its more information than I feel like I can reproduce here, and honestly that resource has it all written out really clearly.

General advice

This is already in that resource but I'm going to talk about it anyway: if you're going to do this, start slow. You don't know how you or your partner will react, so start with something that you cant really cut with. If you cover someone's eyes, a cold butterknife can feel like its cutting without actually doing so. Its never safe to put a real knife to someone's throat so this is how I get around that. Knife play is a kind of fear play so creating an illusion works well. Ill show my partner a real knife, cover their eyes, and switch it out for something safer.

Even if you aren't doing that kind of thing though, start out with something relatively hard to cut with. You can find wooden or acrylic knives like these:

https://www.chaotickink.com/knives

Which can break the skin with enough pressure but aren't as dangerous as something sharp and metal. You'll likely want to avoid actually cutting at first, try just running the knife over skin or scratching with it to get a sense of how it feels and how you react.

You also want to pick something small, light, and easy to control. The buck knife they use in debaser is what I would call an extremely risky option. It's heavy, large, and the curve of the blade makes it hard to control if you don't really know what you're doing.

If you get to the point of actually cutting its worth also going very slow and light, different peoples skin vary in thickness, some people slice more easily than others, different people bleed at different rates too, and you can always cut more but you can never cut less. It can also help to restrain the person being cut, minimizing any sudden movements that could knock a knife out of position.

Talking to you partner

So yeah, this part is important. Its always scary bringing up a new kink with a partner, and I think that goes double for stuff like this that might freak people out. Im lucky in having had some really kinky partners who were very into the idea, so it felt relatively safe to talk about.

It helps if you can explain why you want it, what you would get out of it. For me it's partly the fucked-upness and the fear reaction, as well as some knife and blood fetishism. But it's also the immense trust I'm being given when my partner lets me do this. Im not joking when I say it feels incredibly romantic to me, and I genuinely enjoy patching them up after.

Beyond that though, I think its important to recognize that consent is an ongoing practice. You never want to do something like this if both parties aren't fully in for it, and you always want to make sure you're doing it on a day you both feel healthy and ready for it. It's fine to put things off even if you made a plan, and you should always feel safe backing out even after giving consent.

To summarize:

You aren't fucked up for wanting this, and it doesn't need to be normal to be ok to want it. Trauma can happen when you're doing this, but trauma can happen during vanilla sex too. Whats important is being knowledgable, having clear and honest communication and mutual care. So yeah, go forth, be as safe as you can, but don't forget to have fun 🖤

[hedonistichideaway]

[ropesbypatricia]

Rope Techniques ~ Tying without a partner

Here are a couple of tactics I have utilized in practicing shibari when I'm not able to work with a partner

First: Here's how I added "elbows" to my plastic mannequin to enable her to be placed into a gote or box position

The arms of my mannequin disconnect at the shoulders, so I started by removing them and then sawed them apart at the elbow

Next, I stuffed both open ends of the plastic arm halves with foam pool noodles I had on hand

I connected the stuffed arms by running bent lengths of wire hangers into the pool foam to act as a semi-adjustable joint

Finally, I wrapped and secured both new joints with a length of ace bandage and some duct tape - I dress my mannequin in a body suit so the rope has something to grip; the plastic mannequin skin lacks the toothsomeness of human flesh

Second: a simpler and very similar effect can be achieved for gote/tk practice without a mannequin. You can throw a hoodie over a full-backed chair, such as a kitchen chair, and stuff a rolled towel inside the joined arms of the hoodie as pictured below:

Sometimes we cannot tie with a partner. These pictures were taken during the COVID lockdowns, for example.

And while these inanimate accommodations cannot take the place of partnered learning, they have helped me to advance my understanding of patterns and builds and rope handling along the way and I hope they may be of use to some of you too!

*This is the mannequin I modified above which was gifted to me by my SO*

[casualbystander98]

Kink Education Time - Etiquette

Alright, everyone, I'm gonna peel back the curtain a little bit and talk about some things I think you should know. I've been involved in kink for a very large part of my life, and, in that time, I've seen a marked decrease in people who know what proper "etiquette" is for kinksters. If that applies to you, it's not your fault. When I learned about kink, I was taught by long-time veteran kinksters who imparted this information to me. Learning about kink through a book, or a tiktoker, or some article doesn't give you the same education, and you can't be blamed for that. Even if you do think you already know this, maybe give it a read anyway? A good kinkster should always be willing to learn.

Part 1 - Titles

So, this is something I'm personally very lenient on. However, many, MANY kink veterans take massive offense to having people assume titles (such as "daddy", or "master", or even "sir" depending on the dominant). This doesn't just apply to dominants, of course; calling a random submissive "slut" or "toy" is, generally, unwelcome without a prior established dynamic.

A good rule of thumb when you're thinking about using a title on someone is simple: ASK. And, if they say no for WHATEVER reason, respect that. There is a concept in kink spaces of a "consent violation", and using a title on someone without asking counts as one. I will discuss those in a later part. For me, personally, I do not mind people using titles on me, other than the title "dad", which I've covered before.

Part 2 - Bratting and Dynamic Styles

Any d/s (dominant/submissive) dynamic involves, at its core, an exchange of power. No dominant has power over a submissive that the submissive didn't grant the dominant. Always remember that given power is LOANED, not permanently gifted, and any submissive can choose to take their power back at any time if they feel that they are not being treated well in their dynamic.

Bratting, therefore, is where a submissive temporarily steals some power back in such a way that the dominant will be enticed to punish them. At its simplest, bratting is a vehicle to deliver pain to a masochist. In my experience, bratting has become one of the most common submission styles in recent years. I believe that that is due to the fact that it's easier to give power to someone when you know that you can take some of it back on occasion. However, there are strict rules you need to follow to brat in a healthy way, especially online.

First, not every dominant wants a brat. That's not a moral failing on their part, or them not being able to "handle" a brat. Some people just don't have much interest in having to fight their submissive to get them to follow orders on a regular basis, and that's entirely valid. Respect when a dominant does not want to have a dynamic with a brat, and, likewise, if you're a brat and that's the kind of dynamic you want, do not attempt to engage in a dynamic with someone who doesn't want a brat. Every dynamic needs to be balanced, and both sides need to want the same "style" of a dynamic.

Second, bratting is not bratting if you do not follow through. In a physical dynamic, if a submissive acts bratty, a dominant can (if the dynamic allows) simply spank or paddle or otherwise punish their submissive for their misbehaving. In any long-distance or online-only dynamic, this is impossible. Think about it. At the absolute most, all an online dominant can do is video call you and look stern and disapproving. They can't do anything to force a stop to any bratty behavior without you holding up your end. The only ethical way to be a brat in an online dynamic is to follow these three rules:

1. Do not brat to someone who doesn't want a brat dynamic.

2. If you're given orders to follow, and you want to brat by not following the orders, you must give your dominant an easy way to find out that you didn't follow them. Or, better yet, tell them yourself that you didn't follow them.

3. If you're given a punishment, you MUST follow through with it. End of story.

Brats brat because they want to be punished. If you don't want to be punished, if you just want to "poke the bear", you don't want to be a brat. You want to be a pain in the ass. That's going to be pretty universally unwelcome. Also, as before, if you're unsure if someone wants to engage in bratting with you: ASK. Pushing someone into a dynamic style that they're uncomfortable with is, again, a consent violation.

Part 3 - Consent Violations

Kink is sometimes messy, when it comes to consent. The rules are far more complex. Everyone wants to think that they'd never do something without someone else's consent, but mistakes happen, and many folks don't realize just how easy it is to violate consent.

However, just because you did something without consent does not make you a rapist. This is INCREDIBLY important. Mistakes happen in kink, and it doesn't make the person who made the mistake an irredeemable abuser. Consent violations ARE NOT sexual assault, although sexual assault is an extreme kind of consent violation. All a consent violation is is just that: a time that you did something without someone's consent.

It is absolutely vital to have room for the concept of consent violations in kink. We need to be able to hold each other accountable without hurling weighty accusations around. No one is saying that we should call instances of rape or sexual abuse "consent violations" to reduce their impact or their weight. However, using the term "consent violation" allows you to 1) enforce your boundaries and limits, and 2) inform others that someone did not respect your boundaries and limits. Consent violation as a concept is a fantastic safety tool for any kinkster. Embrace it.

That's all I have for today. Thanks for allowing me to get up on a soap box. I may make another post like this in the future, if I feel that it's needed. Stay safe, everyone.