polyamzeal

[polyamzeal]

[polyamzeal]

[polyamzeal]

I am so behind on updating the queue that I have honestly lost my place in my to-be posted folder. So I apologize if I accidentally repeat any posts.

[polyamzeal]

Always looking for more polyamorous representation which includes stand-up comedy! Enjoy this joke I clipped.

[polyamzeal]

Went to a Non-Monogamous Speed Dating event tonight!

The people that run it even run 2 types of non-monogamous speed dating events. One to meet individuals and one to meet couples. I actually went to the couples one by myself to reverse unicorn hunt 😁

I had a ton of fun! I am not really sure if I will end up dating anyone from it yet. But honestly I am just so happy that something like this exists. When I first heard of polyamory I don't think I would have even been able to fantasize about something like this existing! We have come so far and it is amazing! I am really grateful to the organizers and community for these kind of events.

Plus I at least met a lot of people to play Magic The Gathering with.

[polyamzeal]

Still so many asks to get through but I don't want to flood people's dashboards too much. Thank you for being way too patient with me.

[polyamzeal]

Hello a new anon🦊here^^ The ask you answered about getting a new crush while having already two partners, really helped me as well. Like, "poly-saturation limit" was a really good keyword for me to think about the situation I have at hand. One of my current partners is pretty stable most of the time and doesn't require much attention, whereas the other one needs more reassurance and affection, especially since all of us are long-distance. It is draining for me at times, (i'm the hinge part between the two but they are also friends), but I think it's worth it. Now I think that I don't have the energy to spend more time with the person I am developing a crush on, even tho it is nice to think about it. I also don't even know their stance on polyamory, so it might have been a fever dream to begin with. So, thank you for your answers and I'll go my merry way continue reading through your blog!

I am really glad I was able to help. Just keep in mind that needs can change. That can be blind-siding sometimes. But I hope you always have the flexibility to go with the flow. I wish you luck with all of your new crushes.

[polyamzeal]

I'm so tired. One (1) game includes a poly character and it feels like the whole fandom writes him off as just the kinky threesome guy. Someone literally said they wouldn't romance him because he talks about you and him both being free to do as you please in your relationship, then someone immediately comments about how he talks about feeling like he has a home for the first time with you and the op responds "oh so he can be made normal?" You can mono romance him, yes, but he also can be romanced alongside some other characters (albeit it's not very well implemented because basically the only scene that mentions it... Is an optional multiple partner sex scene. Sadly reinforcing the stereotype that poly relationships are all about sex) poly people almost never get represented in media and when we do people say shit like "can you make them normal?"

It is simply the flow of change. People aren't going to revise their long-held beliefs about relationships over night. It sadly take a long time. Characters like that in games are representation first for the people they represent. I would love to see more characters like that in the games I play. In time, hopefully others who don't see themselves in such characters will see appreciate such characters. But for the people who just don't "get" or "understand" the character let them drown in their swamp of ignorance for now. It just isn't time for them to open their eyes. Let their cries of complaints be crocket noises to us who do appreciate such representation.

[polyamzeal]

Hey, just wanted to say thanks for the ask about polyam breakups you answered recently. It really resonated with me, because I recently had my first serious breakup (both first for polyam and first in general) Accepting those different eras of my life and relationships has been... hard. It is hard to not to see it as a failure and to be bitter about it, even if it ended on pretty alright terms. But it really was a particular time in my life that's passed now, and something that I don't think could have ended any other way for the trajectory we were on. It feels like your answer opened my eyes and eased the bitter feelings a bit. So, yeah- thank you for the ramble opportunity and for the amazing blog! <3

I myself just went through a very difficult and painful breakup. I had to remind myself of much of the same advice I have given to others. I am really happy it was able to help both of us. I appreciate the compliments.

[polyamzeal]

how do I convince my gf to follow her poly dreams as it’s something she desires but is too shy to make happen? :(

Hmmm, feels hard to give any other advice other than "she will be ready when she is ready." But you seem like you are genuinely trying to help her and not manipulate her. So I would say just be very support and a good wing-person. If she finds someone she likes then play a little matchmaker and give a very gentle shove to encourage her to take a chance with them.

[polyamzeal]

Looking for useful queer poly information resources out there, but having trouble finding anything. Since I'd had good luck with friendly communities on reddit with some various transgender subreddits, I went and looked at r/polyamory, and... hooooly crap that's a terrifying pit of toxicity. Any advice on better places to look that aren't just like... compcishet with extra rules tacked on?

Yeah, r/polyamory is known for being a total garbage pile! My nesting partner who is addicted to Reddit has told me that a few other polyam sub-reddits are much better. I personally am in a lot of Facebook groups. Even Fetlife has a few helpful polyamory-friendly groups. Polyamory often goes hand-in-hand with queerness but you are also likely to run into a lot of hetero couples just looking for a "bi female third" that reeks heteronormative toxicity. So looks for groups that frown upon unicorn hunting and are more aggressively queer-friendly.

[polyamzeal]

why did you post a screenshot of someone else's tumblr post instead of reblogging it?

I get a lot of posts from Facebook or Twitter and sometimes I don't even realize it is originally from Tumblr. If this ever happens I highly recommend that people link the original in the replies. I am sorry for when I make this mistake.

[polyamzeal]

Hello, I’m new to this community and I’m honestly confused people say I’m too young to know that I’m polyamorous but I feel like I know even though I am 17 am I actually too young to know? I-sorry if I’m ranting I just need kind people to talk to, I feel safe here

Simple answer here. I believe you are absolutely polyamorous. People used to say that people were "too young" to know if they are gay or not. I don't think it is that complicated. And besides maybe it will change as you age but no reason to not validate your current identity.

[polyamzeal]

Hi. I saw you give advice before and I was hoping you could do the same for me. No pressure to though. Thank you for your blog by the way, I'm pretty new to this and it has been helping me a lot.

My partner and I opened our relationship up a few months ago and he started dating a friend he's known for a few years. I've met her before as his friend before they started dating, and also as sort of a branch of the friend group. But I would not call the two of us friends, just acquaintances.

I'm new to poly and I've done reading and research and I'm very aware of my position as the girlfriend who was part of the original couple. I've been trying my best to be a better person than I really am but I don't really know what to do. I want to make her comfortable and I want to make my partner happy but I feel like sometimes I end up overextended and hurt. But I don't know if thats just because I'm being selfish. I don't want to be controlling or demanding; I want to support their relationship. I just worry I'm not a good enough person to do so.

I will admit I have a lot of jealousy issues and insecurity issues, but I try not to bother my partner with it, and I refuse to even let my meta know about it. I always encourage my partner to spend time with her and not me whenever she's with us in a group setting (house parties, etc) because I live with my partner and we get to see each other any other time. I also avoid my partner and don't show affection to him when she is around because I don't want to make her uncomfortable by "staking a claim" or anything like that. So I end up ignoring him or pushing him away when he reaches out to hold my hand or hug me. He has told me he feels hurt by this but I've explained to him my reasoning.

The other day the three of us hung out. I was under the impression that she wanted to talk so I encouraged it but there was some miscommunication and it ended up turning out to just be a group hang out between me, my partner, and my meta. We went to grab lunch and he chose to sit with her instead of me and it hurt a little but it's literally something I would have told him to do so who am I to complain. But we didn't end up doing our usual ritual of sharing each others' food because I didn't want to make my meta uncomfortable and I didn't know how she would feel about cross contaminating spit because my food came last and they had already shared with each other. I felt kind of left out because I didn't get to do what I normally did with my partner while watching them do what I would normally do.

Afterwards we went to a bookstore to walk around but it was so crowded that moving as a group was pretty impossible so I split myself off from them. I was already feeling the third person on the sidewalk effect because I was the third person and I was feeling a bit lonely at this point. I figured it would be two birds one stone to just let them spend time together and I would get to nurse my hurt away from them by pretending I was going on an adventure by myself. At this point the idea of going out by myself sounded more appealing than hanging out as a group. And I continued to distance myself when we went to grab dessert. I saw her hugging and leaning her head against my partner's chest while we were waiting in line so I just physically turned away and determinedly scrolled my phone instead.

Long story short I felt like I was third wheeling their date but I don't know if it was because it was in my head: these were just friendly things they were doing in a friend group situation and I was reading too much into it. Or if it was because I was inflicting it upon myself: my policy of no affection and trying to make myself scarce when they could spend time together causing me to feel isolated. Or if it was because it really was the case that I was third wheeling them. Am I justified for being hurt here or am I just being jealous? This is a genuine question.

My partner's dream is to live in a big house with a group of friends. This would include me and my meta. This would also mean I would not show my partner affection unless we were in the privacy of our own room. Am I taking it too far? Would I be controlling or demanding to say I do not want my meta living with us? I don't want to be the "girlfriend that has veto power from the original relationship" I really don't. I want to support him but I think I would be miserable living in a house where I cannot be affectionate with my partner. Am I supposed to move out so they can live together instead?

I'm sorry for bothering you with all these questions. Again, no pressure to answer. I just don't know if I can do poly without having some sort of hierarchy where I am the primary of this relationship. I want to get married to my partner and that is a deal breaker for me. Does that make me bad at poly? I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's a resolution where everybody can be happy.

It sounds like there are a lot of assumptions being made here about the metamour. I would be very curious to know the metamour's experience with non-monogamy and just her overall thoughts on he relationship. She got into a relationship with your boyfriend knowing he already has a girlfriend. So unless if she is truly trying to cowgirl him and steal him away from you (it doesn't sound like she is) then I am sure she is making allowances too as to not step on your toes. So I think you have 2 options here.

1- You go full parallel polyamory. When he sees her, you don't see either of them. When you see him, she is not around. This style gets a bad reputation sometimes but it is a legit style that does work for some people and it might be what your needs want.

2- All three of you need to have an emotional conversation about what intimacy looks like when all together. Explain to your metamour that you want to be able to touch your boyfriend and not feel like you are trying to hurt her. That you want them to be cute with each other but sometimes it will make you a little jealous and how you can all cope with that. Definitely not saying you and your metamour need to be best friends that hang out together without your mutual partner but you are both on the same team so that will require a little more communication and just working together. That isn't going to happen if everybody is too scared to talk about jealousy or insecurities outloud.

One last thing. Don't be afraid to show your character faults, that is part of being in a relationship with someone. You should be telling your partner that you feel jealous or insecure. Do so when he is in a good headspace to talk about it and be clear that just because you are feeling those things that isn't a demand for him to change his behavior. Just let him know that it is happening and you are working through your feelings. It is very likely that you can both come up with fair compromises that keep everybody happy.

[polyamzeal]

I thought of myself as possibly poly in one of my last relationships. But afterward, I realized a lot of our relationship was toxic, and I was grasping for love wherever I could. I dated someone after them, and he seemingly "checked" the boxes. But I still felt like something was missing..

In a roundabout way this is me asking... how do you start being poly? I don't want to disappoint someone with my lack of experience or knowledge. And if poly isn't the answer for me I'm worried that if I find someone who is poly, I won't be enough for them by myself.

When I first learned about polyamory it resonated so much with me but I was scared of being a 'poser' basically if I said I was and then later decided I wasn't. So I put in a month of intensive research! Looked up all the books. Listened to all the podcasts. Found numerous web articles. Joined social media groups for it. Attended an in-personal meetup. After that month I felt confident saying that yes I am polyamorous.

Ever since i have met so many people how just decided they were polyamorous like it was no big deal. Everytime in my head I scream, "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT! YOU NEED TO PUT IN THE SAME WORK I DID!" LOL

So a lot of different approaches work. I'll remind you that it is not a simple binary, as simple as that would be. I have met a lot of people who are not 100% monogamous but they still wouldn't want a completely open relationship. Some people are swingers but don't want to be open to an emotional connection. Some people would be okay with a closed triad but not more freedom. So I would suggest working on figuring out what you want (or at least think you want). And then whoever you meet just talk and compare notes. You only need to be "poly enough" for the people that you are in a relationship in. So don't focus on disappointing others, focusing on finding the system that works for you and then from there find people compatible with you.

[polyamzeal]

@ WHAT YOU JUST POSTED OMG-

My first "poly" relationship only happened b/c I told my gf I was uncomfortable with sex stuff due to trauma. So she grabbed a random girl and went "Look it's a new person to the polycule!" and I blinked. B/c that did not match the boundaries we had.

The new polycule member was sweet with me, though, we weren't dating but she showed me how she makes bone jewelry that she would sell. And then later when I was in the ER the first gf complained to my brother about how I wasn't 'attending to her needs' by not wanting sex. And my brother just blinked at her (he was ace and I warned her a million times not to discuss sex around him). I broke up with her after I came home from the ER but like. The Audacity.

For the 100th time, I apologize for being so behind on answering questions. I tried to cross-reference the date to see what I had just posted but I am not sure I found the right post.

I am really sorry you had to go through that. A lot of people have a bad introduction to polyamory. A big reason why I want to be a resource to help people have a better time. I hope you have since gotten into better relationships.

[polyamzeal]

I'm not embarrassed, so I'll ask not on anon: what are your thoughts on The 100 Girlfriends Who Really, Really, Really, Really, REALLY Love You~?

As you can see I am a huge fan! I also cosplay the main character. One day I want to write extensive essays on it and even more so Girlfriend Girlfriend. But the short version is I think it is a very sweet wish-fulfillment fantasy story. You would expect the premise to be filled with toxicity or other controversies but surprisingly they are able to subvert most of that and make it very wholesome. Overall I would suggest Girlfriend Girlfriend over it as accurate polyamory representation in anime/manga. But it is a very close second. Especially if you want avoid drama and just want a purely happy story.