#dossie easton

[meeghanreads]

All the books Isaac reads in Heartstopper — season three!!

Hello friends!! Heartstopper SEASON THREE is finally here!! Which means that today’s post is all the books that Isaac reads in Heartstopper — season three!! Before I begin, can I give a MASSIVE thanks to every person and their cat who has found their way to my little corner of the internet where I have been flabbergasted by the views this series of posts has garnered. For some unknown reason,…

[thecyancat]

look, i don't know who needs to be told this, but people are responsible for their own emotions.

if someone is upset with you for "leading them on," that's not on you, that's on them. you did not make them come to the wrong conclusion, they got there on their own. that isn't your fault. if they loved you and cared about you as much as they said they do, they would not let their projections and fantasies get in the way of respecting your autonomy as a person. autonomy which includes choosing not to be in what is generally defined as a "relationship" with them.

similarly, it is important to own your feelings. it is no one else's fault that you feel the way you do. yes, your feelings are largely involuntary, but it is important to take responsibility for them, rather than blame others for how you feel. taking responsibility for your feelings means you get to empower yourself to choose how you react to them.

[campgender]

Whenever a player safewords, this is an occasion for mutual support. We understand that nobody safewords from a happy place, and that all of our egos feel frail and kind of runty when we need to back out of a scene. It is completely unethical to respond with scorn or ridicule to a person who has safeworded: S/M is not a competition, we are not playing against each other.

As tops, we have noticed that if we are having a good time and our bottom safewords, our initial feelings may not be happy. Whaddaya mean you don't like that? I do all this work and you don't appreciate it? I'm hot for being in control and you want me to stop? We have felt real anger and felt challenged in our top role... and, on a deeper level, we have felt put down, hurt and rejected. It is okay to have these feelings. It is not okay to act on them. Take three deep breaths and everybody start taking care of each other.

Sometimes bottoms get so deeply engaged in a scene that they fail to safeword, or forget, or so profoundly believe in the fantasy that it doesn't occur to them: many of the techniques we play with, like interrogation, function in the real world to undermine volition. Dossie remembers a scene in which a top offered her a choice of something or other: "I felt very confused. Some distant part of me vaguely remembered having made choices, but the response from my state of consciousness at that time was, Choose? I am not a thing that chooses." So then what is the top's responsibility?

If a bottom does not safeword and you don't pick up on what's going on, and this will happen if you play long enough and well enough, there is no blame. However, it is still your responsibility to monitor for physical safety as best you can. As ethical tops we make a commitment to never knowingly harm our bottoms. To this end we check in regularly to make sure that things are going the way we think they are, and we constantly monitor the physical and emotional safety of our bottoms. If a bottom is beyond safewording, and you as the top feel unsure about how far you should go, it is your responsibility to slow down or stop the scene and get into communication with the bottom to make sure you have informed consent. If you have to bring the bottom back into reality to do this, please remember that you helped get them into that altered state in the first place, so presumably you can help get them back there again as soon as you are sure of what's going on.

And just because someone safeworded doesn't mean that the scene has to be over. There may be times when the problem that brought either of you to safeword is so overwhelming that carrying on doesn't feel like the right thing right now - but most often we find that after we've dealt with whatever the difficulty is, we're still terrifically turned on, with the added bonus of a shared intimacy.

from The New Topping Book (2003) by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

(note: the authors use ‘top’ & ‘bottom’ in the historical S/M sense, meaning ‘person performing the act’ & ‘person receiving the act’; the act in question is not necessarily penetration.)

[paperbaacks]

༊*·˚ — 𝙸𝚂𝙰𝙰𝙲'𝚂 𝙱𝙾𝙾𝙺𝚂 - 𝙷𝙴𝙰𝚁𝚃𝚂𝚃𝙾𝙿𝙿𝙴𝚁 𝚂𝟹

✧ — gender queer - maia kobabe

✧ — this is how you lose the time war - amal el-mohtar (translated by max gladstone)

✧ — the song of achilles - madeline miller

✧ — you and me on vacation - emily henry

✧ — emma - jane austen

✧ — piranesi - susanna clarke

✧ — hopeless aromantic - samantha rendle

✧ — christmas days: 12 stories and 12 feasts for 12 days - jeanette winterson

✧ — the loneliest girl in the universe - lauren james

✧ — i'll give you the sun - jandy nelson

✧ — the ethical slut - dossie easton, catherine a. liszt

✧ — the outsider - albert camus

[polyamzeal]

got any polyam book recs

How many time do I need to reccomend the Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedecker Winston! I feel like I never shut up about it and still people have never heard of it! I am just going to create a quick list of all the polyam books I have read. Because when I was first learning about polyamory it felt like you were required to read certain books before you could get your polyamory license yet so many other people haven't read any books! One day I might write out longer reviews for these.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy- This is one of the first ever books focused on polyamory. As such it is a bit dated. Despite that I think it is still a good book that people can get a lot out of. Just keep its age in mind.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert - When I started learning about polyamory this was the holy bible of polyamory that everyone insisted that everybody must read. I honestly liked The Ethical Slut better though. Since then though the book has been utterly condemned by the community and people are now very quick to scream how nobody should read this book because Franklin Veaux was revealed to be abusive in his relationships so now suddenly the book is a guide to teach people how to be abusive in relationships. I guess??? Eve Ricket has put out multiple statements about the book about if people should still read it or not but I am sure I will miss something if I dive into that. Like more The Ethical Slut, just keep in mind it might have some problematic aspects. But I personally think there is still some good stuff in it that people might find value in. It has been a while since I read it but I don't remember it being problematic, just a bit dry and boring.

The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedecker Winston - I'm skipping right to this to say this is my favorite polyamory book! It is very unfortunate that that the title isn't great. And indeed it is written to be aimed at women but honestly I found very very little in the book to feel exclusive to women and not apply to me (a cis-male) just as much. I love this book so much that I re-typed up a passage from it, had it printed on a large poster, and framed.

Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha - This is another book that used to be worshipped in polyamory circles and wholehearted reccomended. I am so glad that it is now mostly forgotten. Why? BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A POLYAMORY BOOK! This is a very scientific anti-monogamy book. So I was waiting for all this set-up to talk about why polyamory fixes all these problems of monogamy it has taken so long to explain. Spoilers! Polyamory is only briefly mentioned in the epilogue of the book in a half-hearted, "Maybe this solution works for some people". Let's be clear, this is not a bad book. It is a very good book at using scientific evidence to point out flaws with monogamy and can lead to interesting discussion. But it is not a polyamroy book and shouldn't be recommended as such.

Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities by Kevin Patterson - Another great book that is highly underrated. But note this is not a Polyamory 101 book. I consider this a "next-level" polyamory book. And to be clear I am white/Caucasian and I learned so much from this book and really love it! It opened my eyes in so many ways.

The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families by Elisabeth Sheff - This isn't a bad book but I also didn't really find it to be a good book either. It feels neither pro-polyamory or anti-polyamory. Just a whole lot of stories and facts. I think it might be most interesting for a monogamous person to read.

Polyamory by Marissa Blake - Worst book I have ever listened to and I am pretty sure it is plagiarized. Been meaning to do a project where I research that claim but just haven't been interested in doing so. it is utter garbage.

The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival by Kathy Labriola - Another advanced level polyamory book. But I think an especially important one for everyone to read. When you date more people you have more breakups. And when "cheating" is far less of an issue it is becomes hard to understand when you should breakup.

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern - The new holy bible of polyamory that everybody in every polyamory group will recommend immediately. It is a good book but honestly I think it is overrated. I think it is aimed at a very certain kind of person struggling with polyamory but it didn't resonate a whole lot with me on a polyamory level. I thought Secure Attachment was very interesting but I felt the actual polyamory aspects of the book were a little lacking to me. I do recommend the book but maybe not as someone's first polyamroy book. I think there are better polyamory 101 books. To note I have not read Polywise yet, the authors sequel book that just came out. I think I have higher hopes for that one though.

Ready For Polyamory by Laura Boyle - Most recent book I read and I had wanted to write a full review but I forgot. This is a fairly good book. I feel like it doesn't stand out much from the other Polyamory 101 books but overall solid. The one place where I give it the most praise is it has the most up-to-date definitions of terms which over the years have evolved and changed over time. The spectrum of polyamory styles I think is especially important for people to read. Older books didn't mention this at all or it was only Parelle VS Kitchen Table. Now we have a much wider spectrum and I often see a common mistake for newbies is for 2 partners to be at different point of the spectrum and never acknowledging it.

Do you know of any polyamory books I missed that I should read? Please let me know!

[sqrkyclean]

I’ve written multiple essays and spent months researching this stuff and I think the bottom line is if youre having trouble understanding what I’m talking about you can start by reading “the ethical slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and the new topping/bottoming books and then work your way up to Plato’s symposium from there.

[femmchantress]

From “The New Book of Bottoming” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

[duckprintspress]

National Non-Fiction Day: 31 Titles to Get Your Queer Learn On!

In the past year, we’ve posted a lot about our favorite queer fiction titles. We wanted to take Non-Fiction day to talk about the non-fiction titles that have impacted us! Whether self-help, memoirs, psychology, history, sociology, or a different non-fiction genre, these are books that have helped us learn, helped us teach, helped us improve, helped us see and be seen, and helped us be more informed. So join us as we introduce our thirty-one recommendations for National Non-Fiction Day!

Fine: A Comic About Gender by Rhea Ewing

Gender Born, Gender Made: Raising Healthy Gender-Nonconforming Children by Diane Ehrensaft

Dear Senthuran: A Black Spirit Memoir by Akwaeke Emezi

Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

Here For It: Or, How to Save Your Soul in America by R. Eric Thomas

Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians by Austen Hartke

Bitch: On the Female of the Species by Lucy Cooke

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi

transister: Raising Twins in a Gender-Bending World by Kate Brookes

!Hola Papi!: How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot and Other Life Lessons by John Paul Brammer

Strangers: Homosexual Love in the Nineteenth Century by Graham Robb

London and the Culture of Homosexuality, 1885 – 1914 by Matt Cook

Queering Your Craft: Witchcraft from the Margins by Cassandra Snow

Female Husbands: A Trans History by Jen Manion

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Janet W. W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

The New Queer Conscience by Adam Eli

Before We Were Trans: A New History of Gender by Kit Heyam

Testosterone Rex: Myths of Sex, Science, and Society by Cordelia Fine

Peculiar Places: A Queer Crip History of White Rural Nonconformity by Ryan Lee Cartwright

Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference by Cordelia Fine

Queer Budapest, 1873 – 1961 by Anita Kurimay

LGBTQ-Inclusive Hospice and Palliative Care by Kimberly D. Acquaviva

Queering Colonial Natal: Indigeneity and the Violence of Belonging in Southern Africa by T. J. Tallie

Handbook of LGBT Elders: An Interdisciplinary Approach to Principles, Practices, and Policies edited by Debra A. Harley and Pamela B. Teaster

LGBT Transnational Identity and the Media by Christopher Pullen

Gender Diversity: Crosscultural Variations by Serena Nanda

LGBTQ Cultures: What Healthcare Professionals Need to Know about Sexual and Gender Diversity by M. J. Eliason and P. L. Chinn

The Terrible We: Thinking with Trans Maladjustment by Cameron Awkward-Rich

Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource for the Transgender Community edited by Laura Erickson-Schroth

You can view this list as a shelf on Goodreads!

It can be so difficult to find good non-fiction resources on queer topics. Which titles to DO you recommend?

[whimperaudioconnoisseur]

from the new topping book by dossie easton and janet w. hardy

[campgender]

Hi, love your blog, no pressure do you have any sex sociology etc related books or movies you recommended? Sorry if silly question!

not a silly question at all!! i love to read about this stuff & am always happy to talk about it :) i am however not very experienced with film so other than Bound being on my to-watch list since forever i don’t have any recommendations in that area

all of these recs are definitely at different points along a spectrum of how much i ascribe to or agree with; i avoid language of “safe, sane, & consensual,” for example, because i disagree with the requirement for safety and the positioning of sanity as synonymous with not doing harm. a lot of kink writing falls into the habit of trying to justify itself to normative society through language of health, which i find both useless & offensive lol. as far as content notes it’s also worth mentioning that many if not all of these works discuss stigma & trauma, including hate crimes, rape, and incest.

i have a prior list on my disability blog with recs about sex & disability, i highly recommend checking out my favorites from there! Emma Sheppard’s work in particular was life-changing for me. many of these were accumulated through her sources as well as from @gatheringbones ‘s excerpts

in no particular order:

sociology

Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy by Staci Newmahr

Safe, Sane and Consensual: Contemporary Perspectives on Sadomasochism, edited Darren Langdridge & Meg Barker

Sex and Disability, edited Robert McRuer & Anna Mollow

The Sexual Politics of Disability: Untold Desires by Tom Shakespeare, Kath Gillespie-Sells, & Dominic Davies

Unbreaking Our Hearts: Cultures of Un/Desirability and the Transformative Potential of Queercrip Porn by Loree Erickson (dissertation)

Dungeon Intimacies: The Poetics of Transsexual Sadomasochism by Susan Stryker (article)

Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex by Pat (now Patrick) Califia

Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, edited Mark Thompson

The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure, edited Tristan Taormino, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, Constance Penley, and Mireille Miller-Young

Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent by Katherine Angel

practicality

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, edited Pat (now Patrick) Califia

Fucking Trans Women by Mira Bellwether (zine)

sex writing

S/HE by Minnie Bruce Pratt

Skin by Dorothy Allison

Lover by Bertha Harris

Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love, and Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary, edited Morty Diamond

Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink by Midori

[kindnessinsilver]

hello!! I have newly joined the summer sons fandom and if you are in the mood to do some character extrapolation, I’m so curious to know how/if you see Sam and Andrew’s ~dynamic~ progressing post-canon? I read your exchange about the canonical power dynamics between them with another user and I found both of your viewpoints fascinating and insightful so like if it would be fun for you I’d love to hear more! Do you think they ever explicitly acknowledge it between each other? Who do you think brings it up if so? I feel like Andrew would have some complicated shame-adjacent feelings to work through based on what he internalized from Eddie as “appropriate masculinity” if anyone like made him explicitly acknowledge how much he gets out of and enjoys casual submission, but I can’t get a handle on how Sam would think about it? I also feel like Andrew would rather die than bring it up at least in terms of where he is at with his communication skills immediately post-canon. Idk! If it would be interesting for you to think it talk about I would love to hear your thoughts!!

Pretty much one of my favorite topics in general, anon! Just wanted to wait until I had time to sit down at a real keyboard for this.

So I've definitely tried to think about how their relationship and any dynamic might evolve post-canon, and I've got a very quick post on the subject:

And this is largely still my main opinion. I think they're very intelligent and wild and very specifically sheltered in a way that Riley had to break out of for his own sanity a lot earlier than Sam or Andrew did. So Riley would either buy a couple of books online or get some from a library or something, leave them in a bag on Andrew's bed with a note, and hope they never had to speak about Andrew's relationship with Riley's cousin ever again. He might also beg Ethan to jump in and be another source of information on the gays and the intricacies of kink stuff. Not because Ethan is necessarily an expert or involved himself, I think he would just find it interesting and wouldn't have the personal squick about Sam.

(For the record, I think Riley would grab The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and Paradigms of Power and Negotiating Your Power Dynamic Relationship by Raven Kaldera to start. Or at least, those authors are where I tend to start.)

I do think the almost breaking each other and the general fucking up will be an important part of it all because these boys are not naturally drawn to lengthy verbal communication about their wants, desires, and issues. A lot of it would be done by feel, by vibe, by following body language. Assumptions, wrestling that starts playful and gets to be more, setting up mutual unspoken expectations for each other, then getting pissed/hurt when the other person didn't live up to them 100% of the time because they didn't really know they were supposed to. Sam being slightly too critical of Andrew on a day where Sam is tired and overwhelmed and Andrew is a little fragile, not realizing Andrew would hold onto that for days because Sam "didn't think his opinion mattered that much." (no no that's not personal experience talking, ofc not). Andrew getting in the habit of grabbing Sam refills or new drinks or being the runner for different party chores, then one night just not having the energy or not feeling appreciated and just refusing to do it. Sam and Andrew both not understanding why Sam got so annoyed about it and why their relationship cools down for a couple of days. Little shit like this that's fairly visible from the outside if either of them has a tendency to bitch about it or if you share a living room with them on a regular basis.

I think they do eventually talk about it (this might not be in character for canon and I may have just decided because I want them to, but I'm sticking with it.) I think Andrew would probably read a couple of chapters of the books Riley gave him, panic about it, ignore them for weeks, try again, repeat cycle. I agree that he would have a lot of hang-ups around masculinity and being "like that", but I also think he'd recognize himself and recognize parts of his relationship with Eddie. He'd eventually see that what he and Eddie had been together had been really unhealthy, and maybe it could have been something better and stronger and real, if either of them had ever figured out how to talk about it.

Eventually though, stuff would resonate enough that he'd feel the need to talk to Sam, or he'd be weird about stuff for weeks and Sam would tell him to spill or get over it. So Andrew would bring the books over and try to talk about what Riley had pointed out or what parts of the books were speaking to him, and they'd alternate Andrew being stubborn and recalcitrant and blushy/interested, and Sam would probably laugh it off at first but when that clearly hurt Andrew's feelings, he'd try to hear him out. Sam would chase the blushes and the interest, but he'd probably have complicated feelings about being explicitly asked to lead Andrew in this way. On the one hand I think it would feel like another responsibility that he's being asked to shoulder, but on the other I think he could come to recognize that this is the kind of relationship he wants and that he's wanted to build before without having the words for it. And I think he would recognize what it does for Andrew and what Andrew' submission could mean for him (Sam). Picking up one responsibility in exchange for being able to put down others. Feeling cared for and appreciated even as he cares for Andrew.

I think after talking about it they'd still fuck up sometimes. I think they'd still feel weird about drawn out explicit negotiations and there would be a lot of joking and a little arguing and maybe substances to get through some of those vulnerable conversations. It would take time and patience.

One of my fics gives a pretty explicit example of how I think kink/power would play into their relationship later (be warned, it's entirely a piss kink fic, we blame mark.) Another fic plays a little bit more with the abstract and the subtle undertones.

Did this answer the question? I went all over the place with it. Thanks for giving me reasons to think about it again!!!

[unspeakably-wilde]

literally all of these are Armand

(via The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy)

[heart-full-of-lust]

Course Title: Big Dick Energy (BDE) 101

Course Description: This course will explore the concept of Big Dick Energy (BDE), its dynamics, and its applications in various interpersonal and sexual scenarios. Students will learn about the psychological, biological, and social aspects of BDE, as well as practical techniques for cultivating and harnessing their own BDE. Through lectures, discussions, and interactive exercises, students will gain a comprehensive understanding of this powerful and often misunderstood concept.

Course Duration: 12 weeks

Course Syllabus:

Week 1: Introduction to Big Dick Energy

Definition and origins of BDE

BDE vs. toxic masculinity

Identifying BDE in popular culture and media

Week 2: The Psychology of BDE

The role of confidence and self-assurance

Body language and non-verbal communication

The importance of authenticity and genuineness

Week 3: Biological and Evolutionary Perspectives on BDE

The role of testosterone and other hormones

Dominance hierarchies and sexual selection

The evolution of human sexual behavior

Week 4: BDE in Relationships

Establishing and maintaining power dynamics

Negotiation and communication in relationships

Case study: Ryan and Hailey's threesome arrangements

Week 5: BDE and Sexual Performance

The importance of stamina and endurance

Techniques for enhancing sexual pleasure

Overcoming performance anxiety and insecurities

Week 6: BDE and Kink

Exploring dominant and submissive roles

The art of dirty talk and erotic communication

Incorporating BDE into BDSM and other kinks

Week 7: BDE in Group Settings

Navigating threesomes and other multi-partner scenarios

Establishing boundaries and consent

Case study: Matt, Helen, and Ryan's office party dynamics

Week 8: Cultivating BDE

Building confidence and self-esteem

Developing assertiveness and leadership skills

Techniques for enhancing physical presence and charisma

Week 9: BDE and Gender

BDE in non-heteronormative relationships

The role of BDE in queer and non-binary identities

Challenging gender stereotypes and expectations

Week 10: BDE and Ethics

Consent and boundaries in BDE dynamics

Avoiding manipulation and coercion

The importance of mutual respect and consideration

Week 11: Advanced BDE Techniques

Energy projection and aura control

The use of props, toys, and accessories in enhancing BDE

Role-playing and scenario-based exercises

Week 12: Final Project and Course Review

Students will present a final project demonstrating their understanding and application of BDE concepts

Course review and wrap-up discussion

Assessment:

Class participation and discussion (20%)

Weekly reflection journals (30%)

Midterm essay: Personal BDE journey (25%)

Final project: BDE demonstration or case study analysis (25%)

Required Reading:

"The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene

"The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

"The Evolution of Desire" by David M. Buss

"The New Male Sexuality" by Bernie Zilbergeld

Additional Resources:

Documentaries and films exploring human sexuality and relationships

Guest lecturers and panel discussions with experts in the fields of sexology, psychology, and anthropology

Online forums and communities dedicated to the discussion and exploration of BDE

Note: This course is intended for mature audiences and may contain explicit content and discussions. Student discretion is advised.

Course Instructor: Dr. Cassandra "Cass" Hartley, Ph.D., expert in human sexuality and interpersonal dynamics, with extensive experience in the exploration and application of Big Dick Energy.

[tahopo]

iron bull may be one of my fav inquisition characters but youre so real and i respect you. one moment that haunts me in his romance route is when hes like haha ur soo epic and cool for never using ur safeword ;) like Iron bull baby you can't say that....your words reveal a fundamental misunderstanding of a sustainable bdsm dynamic. The iron bull im beginning to think you haven't even read the new topping book by dossie easton and janet hardy

he says what. . .

[thekinkyqueerarchive]

What is Risk Aware Consenual Kink (RACK)? a brief summary

( I couldn't find a post so um ... heres me trying to explain it - please feel free to add on)

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is a framework used within the Kink community to ensure that activities are carried out in a safe, consensual, and informed manner. Many (if not all) kinks have some level of risk attatched to them by nature.

Participants need to be fully aware of the risks involved in the activities they are engaging in. This means that they have a thorough understanding of the potential physical, emotional, and psychological consequences.

AND freely give their informed consent to the activities. Consent must be explicit, enthusiastic, and can be withdrawn at any time.

well then - How do you be Risk Aware? A) Education and Research:

Understand the Activities: Learn about the specific kinks or activities you are interested in. This includes understanding the physical, emotional, and psychological risks involved.

Resources: Use books, articles, workshops, and online forums to gather information. Reputable sources include BDSM community websites, educational materials from experienced practitioners, and classes or workshops offered by knowledgeable instructors. B) Communication:

Discuss with Your Partner(s): Have open and honest conversations with your partner(s) about the activities you want to engage in. Discuss boundaries, limits, and expectations.

Establish Safewords: Agree on a safewords or signals (in the case that a verbal safeword cannot be used) to pause or stop the activity if anyone feels uncomfortable or unsafe. heres a helpful execrpt from The New Topping Book (2003) by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy on what to do in the event of a safeword

C) Preparation and Planning:

Set Boundaries: Clearly define and respect each other’s limits and boundaries. Know what is off-limits and what is acceptable.

Have a Plan: Create a plan for the activities, including steps to take in case of an emergency. This might include having first aid supplies on hand or knowing the location of the nearest hospital. heres a post by @/houndmother // pansy-butch giving some excellent advice about planning and running a scene

D) Risk Assessment:

Identify Potential Risks: Consider the potential risks of the activities. This includes physical risks (e.g., injury), emotional risks (e.g., trauma), and social risks (e.g., privacy concerns). these will be diffrent for diffrent kinks.

Mitigation Strategies: Develop strategies to minimize these risks. This might involve using safe words, ensuring you have the necessary skills and equipment, and having a clear aftercare plan.

E) Skill Building:

Training and Practice: some kinks may need necessary skills to perform activities safely. This might involve practicing techniques, learning from experienced practitioners, and participating in training sessions or workshops.

Continuous Learning: Stay updated with new information and techniques. The BDSM community is continually evolving, and staying informed helps ensure safer practices.

F) Aftercare:

Plan for Aftercare: Aftercare is the process of attending to the physical and emotional needs of all participants after a scene. This might include providing comfort, discussing the experience, and ensuring everyone feels safe and supported. Aftercare is crucial and non optional. it may look diffrent in diffrent dynamics, and that is valid so long as everyone feels adequately supported and cared for

Check-Ins: Follow up with your partner(s) after the activity to discuss how they felt and address any issues that may have arisen. heres a great post on aftercare by @//babygirlbondage

[dykelawlight]

you're one of the best nsfw writers writing lawlight at the moment what are your tips for being explicit without giving people the ick

Oh wow, thank you ⁠— this is really really sweet!! Let me see what I can think of that's like...concrete building blocks

First things first: if you don't know, research! It's always great to pull from experience when possible, but there have also been many nonfiction books and such written about like, basically Kink Rules™ that can be very helpful to pull from when you're trying to plot out how a scene would go or what you personally find really sexy. (Of course, there are plenty of these that are cringe and icky too because the ~kink community~ is vast and contains many people who are very annoying, so take what works and leave the rest.) I once read an entire book that was just about bootblacking/shoe stuff because I didn't know a lot about it and thought it sounded hot. As a broader example, I write and prefer dom/sub stuff (as you well know!), so I like Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy's The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book, both of which can be kind of hokey but which have a lot of sexy things to say from the perspective of people who engage in d/s relationships and scenes irl aimed at people who may be new to one or both. (They're also both available digitally but they're pretty easy to secure hard copies of if you think you'll get any significant use out of them.) I would say I don't need to refer to these personally as a source of actual new knowledge at this stage of my life, but specific concepts or scenes that resonate and/or that I've never personally tried can bloom into fanfic stuff later.

I write things down immediately as they occur to me. If I'm fuckin standing in the elevator and I experience a vision of a character I'm writing like moaning a specific phrase or some shit I'll straight up jot it in my notes app so I don't forget and can build on it. I also often will write when I personally am already kind of warmed up because I find that's when the least inhibited and therefore hottest shit hits the page, to be cleaned up and edited into presentableness by my less-revved self in the future.

Stick to basic terms for most things 99.9% of the time. I find that "cock" and "cunt" etc., while sort of standard and definitely something you'll probably see a lot of if you ctrl+F your fic later, are basically the "said" of porn. Not everything needs to have an explicit description all the time. I will also slide into use of "dick" and "pussy" when I feel it's raunchy and hot to do so but I generally don't come up with any shit other than that. Never talk about anybody's "pearl" or "flower" or shit. I'm not saying you can't make comparisons to those things, but it can't be The Word you use to talk about someone's genitalia.

On the opposite spectrum, too much use of "moan" to describe sounds and sentences gets very repetitive very fast! People make a lot of different noises during sex and describing more of them than just moaning adds depth and sexiness. Much like "said," that's not to say it doesn't have its place and not every word should be "yelped" "whimpered" "sobbed" etc. (though I am partial to the latter), but it doesn't need to be every sound, either.

Don't be afraid to write shit you like even if you feel like you might be the only person on the planet who finds it really sexy. I'm writing strap sex for this next fic I'm working on and, while it's obviously a very broad category, I know it's not everyone's cup of tea and some people are actively averse to it in lesbian fic. That's fine, but I know what I like and what I like is to get my silicone dick wet, so that's what's going to happen. I guarantee other people will find it and enjoy stuff you wrote just for you even if they maybe originally didn't think it was for them.

That's everything that immediately comes to mind!! I welcome feedback/comments/reblogs etc. here because I have some HOTTTT writers following me who I think frankly put me to shame 🙇🏻‍♂️