#ive only had my license for a few years

[fias-feelings]

people should not yell at me when I make a mistake. simply tell me what I did wrong and how I should correct it going forward. no need to say "what the hell were you doing". just a "hey, next time do this" is perfectly acceptable. preferred even. plus it makes me not want to cry and helps me know how I can fix what I did wrong.

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.

[clamorybus]

sometimes i wonder if i'm aromantic, but i'm so disconnected from my own wants and needs in general that it's really hard to parse

[callsign-muffin]

Heal Together: Chapter 3

(Bradley 'Rooster' Bradshaw fic)

I kinda want to make a playlist for this fic with all the music I mention in it. But I also work crazy hours and my writing time is my time to relax, so I don't know if I want to add something else on top of it if no one would care, ya know?

Masterlist

Word Count: 1.8k

“He started talking a little more last night.” Carly smiled after she finished giving you report, “He didn’t say much to me besides ‘thank you’ and asking for whatever he needed. Maybe you’ll be able to get more out of him, you guys seem to have really good rapport.”

“He responded very well to my sarcasm. Patient’s often don’t so it was a nice change.” You shrugged.

“Do you think he’s gonna be transferred to a step down unit?” She asked.

You nodded, “Yeah and I’ll miss him. It was nice having a patient I could actually interact with.”

Carly’s eyes widened, “What kind of ICU nurse are you? We love ‘em intubated and sedated.”

“A tired one!” You stated, “I need a few more sips of coffee and then let’s go sign off meds.”

█ ✪ █▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓█ ✪ █

Rooster was only slightly awake when Y/N and Carly entered the room to finish their morning sign off. They didn’t turn on the light, spoke in soft whispers, and used the glow of the computer screen as their light. He turned over groggily, as his vision cleared, he saw Y/N there. She looked so beautiful with her hair pulled back messily in a claw clip and her bright eyes quickly traveled back and forth as she compared the medications hanging on the IV pole with the computer. She moved about the space as if she owned it. Hell, with the way she’s helped Bradley the last 48 hours, she practically does own it.

“Good morning, Bradley.” She smiled down at him sweetly, “How ya feeling’?”

“Not too shabby.” His voice was still a bit raspy.

She feigned surprise, “Ah! He speaks!”

Rooster smiled up at her, “Soon you’ll be wishing I had that tube back down my throat to shut me up.”

She shook her head, “Never.”

“I see Carly removed your catheter last night.” Y/N inquired after finishing her head to toe assessment on Bradley.

He nodded, “About 2 hours ago at 5 in the morning. It was fucking awkward having someone 10 years younger than me touch my dick.” 

Y/N snorted trying to hold back a belly laugh, “I hate to break it to ya but that girl is more than 10 years younger than you.”

His face dropped in horror, “Holy shit, that’s a child!”

“She has the same license I do.” You shrugged, “She’s absolutely qualified to do what she does.”

“Unbelievable!” Rooster playfully rolled his eyes.

Y/N slightly pivoted the conversation, “You feel strong enough to get up and pee? Or do you need something to use while in bed?”

“Like a bottle?” He questioned.

She nodded, “We call it a bedside urinal but it’s the same idea.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I’ll try and get my ass up.”

“Good choice. You wanna try now?”

Bradley thought for a minute, “I mean… I probably should…”

“Alright champ, let’s do it nice and slow.” She moved his tray table out of the way.

He looked around, “Can you give a man get some privacy?”

“Not when you’re fresh off the vent. I’m not risking you falling ‘cause you have a shy bladder!” She rolled her eyes jokingly.

He grinned playfully, “Don’t go checking out my junk.”

“Already seen it and I wasn’t planning on doing it again.”

█ ✪ █▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓█ ✪ █

“Alright Lieutenant, looks like you’re cleared for transfer down to a medical observation floor.” A different older doctor from yesterday said with his posse of residents, “Glad to see you’re on the mend.”

“Me too, sir.” Bradley agreed.

The same resident from the day before, Carl Parks looked at you with disdain, “Nurse, I’ll get the transfer orders in when I can.”

“‘Preciate it, doc.” You fired back coolly. It was cute that he thought that he’d be able to get under your skin. 

They all exited and moved on to their next patient for rounds.

“What’s up his ass?” Rooster asked you.

You smirked, “The shame of being wrong.”

He gave you a questioning look.

“He didn’t think you were ready to get off the ventilator yesterday, I challenged him on it and the attending doctor took my side.” You explained, “Guys like him hate being wrong, their egos get bruised.”

He scoffed, “I don’t know how he’s smart enough to be a doctor if he was dumb enough to question you.”

“But what if this new unit sucks?” Bradley complained as you wheeled his bed down the hall and towards the elevator.

“All hospital units suck,” you scoffed, “Except for maybe labor and delivery.”

“I’m guessing my lack of vagina means I can’t go there.”

You stopped at the elevator and pressed the button, “You’d be correct.”

“Well shit.” He chuckled.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened; you carefully pushed the bed inside.

“This is a good thing,” you pressed the 3rd floor button, “the sooner you get out of the ICU, the closer you are to going home.”

Bradley sighed, “Yeah but… I’m going to miss you.”

“Really?” Butterflies began to flutter in your stomach. 

What the hell was that? You thought to yourself.

He nodded, “Yeah, you’re the first nurse that made me feel like a human being.”

You paused, taken aback by his words. “I don’t think you even understand how much it means to me to hear you say that.”

The elevator dinged again and the doors opened to your floor.

“I mean every word.” He said as you pushed him down the hall towards the medical observation unit, “You’re a good nurse— a great nurse.”

“Wow,” you stopped at the unit entrance and used your badge to open the doors, “Thank you so much for saying that.”

The nurse that was taking over Bradley’s care interrupted your conversation and helped you get his bed into the new room. You guys did your checks, you gave her a quick beside report, and you were good to go.

You looked at Bradley and sighed, “It was a pleasure taking care of you, Lt. Bradshaw. Keep getting better.”

He nodded and gave you a soft smile, “I will. Thank you for all you did for me.”

█ ✪ █▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓█ ✪ █

Two weeks later

It was Bradley’s first night out since before his deployment, it felt like a lifetime had gone by. He couldn’t wait to see all his friends at the Hard Deck and show them he was doing alright. The only one who’d seen him since he was med-evaced from the aircraft carrier was Phoenix. She was the one who picked him up from the hospital after discharge and took him home. He told her all about the angel nurse he met, how she bathed him and talked to him while he was intubated, how she was by his side to talk him through his extubation, how she made him laugh, and how he hasn’t stopped thinking about her.

“BRADSHAW,” Jake “Hangman” Seresin, his best frienemy, shouted across the bar from the pool table, “as I live and breathe!”

“We weren’t sure if he was living and breathing for a second back on the carrier.” Coyote quipped.

All the men greeted each other with big hugs and claps on the back. Despite their joking in the moment, those men were terrified that they were going to lose Rooster. Hangman was on the cot next to him in the infirmary as they were intubating him. It was a nightmare, to say the least.

“Glad you’re okay, buddy.” Bob said, “Let me buy you a drink.”

“Are you sure?” Bradley questioned, “But you don’t drink.”

Bob shook his head, “Doesn’t matter, I’m just so glad you’re here.”

Phoenix lovingly patted his cheek, “Awww Bob, you really are the best of all of us.”

“Truly.” Bradley agreed.

He could’ve sworn he was going crazy. He saw Y/N. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her. But to be fair, he thought he saw her everywhere. She hadn’t left his mind since the day he met her. But this time he heard her voice and her laugh in the crowd. His eyes scanned the crowded bar for a familiar face. BINGO! There sh was, waiting for a drink at the bar. With a familiar young, little blonde. Was that Carly the child?!

“Go find yourself a cute sailor or something!” He heard her say over the loud music, “That’s what I’d do if I was young and hot!”

“Y/N, shut up! You’re only 28, you’re young and hot too!” The little blonde nudged her.

Wow, she was just as beautiful as he remembered her. Though she was a little more dressed up, she still had that same calm and caring demeanor that she had every time she walked into his room in the ICU. She was wearing a tight white T-shirt and faded jeans, effortlessly beautiful.

“Oh no you don’t!” She grabbed Carly’s wrist as she tried to slip her card to the bartender who just served them their drinks.

Carly ignored her and handed over the card, “Oh yes I do! You’ve helped me so much ever since you started, I feel like I’m actually getting the hang of this nurse thing with your help. Let me treat you!”

Y/N pouted, “Fine! But no more after this!  You need to save your money for fun and adventure!”

“Yes, ma’am!” Carly saluted her like an officer.

█ ✪ █▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓█ ✪ █

“Absolutely not,” You cried over the music at Carly and the other younger nurses that were with you at the Hard Deck.

“Absolutely yes!!!” Another young nurse, Madi handed you a tequila shot and a lime.

You groaned, “I’m too old for this!”

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” The girls chorused.

You looked down at the tiny glass, could your stomach even handle this anymore.

“Dooooooooo it!” Carly taunted evilly.

“Doooooooooooooooo it!” Sam echoed.

You groaned, “Ugh! Fine!” And you tossed the shot back like a champ, chasing it immediately with the lime. Your face contorted, “Oof it burns.”

All the girls cheered and threw their shots back together.

Suddenly the jukebox cut, making the room fall silent for a moment. Then a couple of chords slammed on a piano.

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain

Too much love drives a man insane

You broke my will, but what a thrill

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire

Your head whipped around, wondering where the hell this piano was coming from.

“Holy shit.” Carly’s jaw dropped.

You looked in the same general direction Carly was, “Holy shit.”

“What?!” Madi asked over the loud music and singing. Many others had since joined in.

“That’s the patient Y/N fought Parks about extubating .” She explained.

You were still frozen.

“He’s kinda hot.” Sam giggled.

All you could choke out was, “That’s quite the mustache.”

Tag list:

@sarah-bear706318

Please message or comment if you'd like to be added to the tag list!

[thecommunityoftrustworthysinks]

AITA for getting back at an ex who broke up with me for one relapse when i thought she was dying?

so, a little background before i get into what exactly happened: this woman i work with (my boss, actually) (great ass) (great tits too) (43f) and i (52m) have been having what you could call "flirt fights" for about ten years. you know, we hate each other, we need each other, we can't stand each other, 'will they won't they' type of thing. also, i used to have a drug problem because i have chronic pain in my leg, but at this point had been clean for a year. a few months back, we finally got together, and it was some of the happiest ive ever been in my life, and she was too. i was willing to put her before my job (something i hadn't done before) and she said she didn't need me to change for her anymore. then she had a cancer scare, and i missed a number of her appointments that she asked me to come to because i was scared of what could happen to her. i needed to go, i know i needed to go. i finally made it to an appointment, and then it turned out she was fine, and i was there with her to tell her that when she woke up. it was a big relief. but the thing was, i had popped a couple pills before going, just to make it easier. i knew i had to be there, and it wasn't working.

so later, my ex showed up at my apartment and told me she realized i had been high, and broke up with me. she said i was an addict, and couldn't take things seriously and fully present, and that it would never change. so that really sucked, and ive been having a shitty time ever since, but trying to be professional and continue on. i figured if she wanted to have our regular relationship back then i'd act like normal. im kind of known for being a bit of a dick on the job, and not a lot of people like me, so i went back to that. but now she kept taking it personally and saying it was from our breakup, yada yada. it went on like that for awhile, i got married to a beautiful russian lady (green card) (i also asked my boss/ex to sign my new wife over to my insurance, it was funny), and then we get to this week.

because of the relapse, i decided to try an experimental drug to try to regrow muscle in my leg. it hadn't been approved* yet but im a doctor so i figured i'd just give it a go anyway. then i learned from the study that the subjects had developed tumors on the muscle and died. i ran a ct scan on myself, and saw the tumors. i don't trust surgeons around muscle anymore, so i sanitized my bathroom and set up to do the surgery myself in the tub. it was going fine, but eventually the pain did get to me (i got one tumor completely out), so i called a few people, but no one picked up. eventually i had only my ex (and boss) left to call, and she picked up. she came to get me, lectured me about embarrassment or some other emotion she was saying i had, and we went to the hospital. so then yesterday she was insisting that we talk about things, as if my home surgery (that was done by a licensed physician) was because i had unprocessed feelings for her or something. both she and my best friend (45m) have been telling me i need to talk more or express my feelings more. so i listened to them, and i drove my car into the front window of my ex/boss's house. aita?

*in humans

[glitchbirds]

i still really dont want to say much rn when im still in relative limbo and things are still up in the air, but because i have been internally buzzing about it for a few days-

last week i had a job interview for an internship at a place i have Badly wanted to work at for almost a year (and in fact it was a primary force behind me finally learning to drive last year and getting my license a couple months back), and not only did the interview go well it went Ridiculously well. we talked for well over an hour and most of it was just genuine conversation about her experiences and mine, and her recommending me books and archives on topics related to the internship that i'd expressed strong interest in (most of which were written by her friends/colleagues in the field- i also brought up a few things id already read and she talked about knowing their authors in the 80s/90s and anecdotes about them), and ive been pouring over and marveling at these the past few days...

idkkkk its just crazy. on dec 31st i was a bit morose about the fact that while id made a Lot of personal progress in 2023 i still hadnt seemed to get any closer to this goal; then this internship opened up days later, i applied asap, and now im practically guaranteed a slot, and while its still unpaid labor the interviewer was like... "i cant 100% guarantee you a job after this internship is over (understandable because the internship itself isnt designed that way and she hasnt seen my performance yet), but Hypothetically would you be interested, would you be willing to move closer to cut down on the commute and if so when would you be able to move, if you cant move any time soon that would be ok because some of our staff commute the same distance and its not ideal but works out for them," and that combined with the Glowingly Positive(?!) things she had to say about me and my related experience and my answers during the interview and etc its like.... im going to survive i think. im going to make it out of this pit ive been living in the past few years

like the worst case scenario right now would be her getting back to me in a week and saying whoops! nevermind we dont have any slots open / we decided we hate your vibes. but the former is unlikely because i applied to Both internships, and Both internships have a spring and summer version, and they usually only have lots of applicants in the summer (and thus plenty of room in the spring, which i indicated as my preference). and the latter is unlikely because. frankly i genuinely didnt think it was possible for a job interview to go as well as that one did. especially not an interview Wherein I Am The Subject Under Observation.

[gregorygerwitz]

Halstead, PI

“What are you planning on doing, exactly?” “Whatever comes to me. I won’t know what the jobs are until they find me.” “You want to be a... Private eye?” “Private investigator. But yes.”

Four years in Afghanistan ended in a medical discharge, and then Jay was back home, struggling to get his feet under him. There were nightmares and too many drinks to swim though, a funeral to help plan and then attend, and then the argument that ended in him being less than welcome at his childhood home. Getting his PI license was just supposed to be a stopgap, something to supplement a living until he found something more steady, but it wasn’t enough.

It didn’t cover a rent payment, or a car, it barely even paid for groceries once a week. It wasn’t enough to keep him alive, let alone off the streets, and it was only by some miracle that he wasn’t completely screwed over when things started to crumble.

He had a set of shoulders to lean on in the form of Gregory Gerwitz IV - aka Mouse. They’d relied on each other enough overseas, clung to life together after an incident that took out the rest of their unit, managed to keep in touch once they were settled into their old lives in Chicago again. Only, where Jay had had an argument with his father that led to fending for himself, Mouse had a lot of cushion to catch him if he fell. He had a family name, and a huge trust fund, and a penthouse with an extra bedroom that he was willing to let Jay use for a few months.

“You’re a lifesaver, man. Seriously, thank you.” “You don’t have to thank me. Just don’t track dirt in, okay? The rent comes out of my father’s pocket, but cleaning comes out of mine.” “What if I clean up after myself?” “I’d make a few calls to let the media know. You’ve never cleaned up anything in your life.”

Borrowing a bedroom was only the beginning. Among other things, Jay had access to free food, a shiny car, and his best friend’s computer knowledge. He lost count of how many cases were solved due to Mouse and his laptop, how many bullet holes had ended up in the Ferrari, how many times he’d been scolded for leaving crime scene photos spread out over the living room floor...

But that had become his life, as odd as it seemed. He bounced from case to case, used his meager earnings to pay for dinner once a month or fixing the paint job on the car he’d been told to stop borrowing for his work. He spent weekends on the couch watching movies and making a show of vacuuming the crumbs out of the cushions. He spent birthdays and special events in a suit and tie, pretending he could do undercover work at Gerwitz family hosted fundraiser events.

It was his life, with his best friend there for every second of it, and he wouldn’t change a thing.

[compacflt]

okay "normie median Biden voter ice" got me. That's funny. But also so true! It prob took him a bit to vote dem too (though I believe that Ice would have never voted for Trump). Would love to hear more thoughts on Ice and Mav's politics. Also the list of who they would have voted for if you're willing to share.

i do worry that posting my extremely in-depth headcanons about some of this stuff will have the JKR “wizard shit” effect on my writing and ruin it a little, but ask and ye shall receive

copy-pasted straight from my list of “unhinged compacflt!top gun headcanons” that ive been keeping since september: on ice & mav's politics

16. Since their friendship began, Ice has always told Maverick who to vote for, since Maverick doesn't care enough to pay attention to national politics. They are begrudging ConservaDems (conservative political views, would vote conservative every election if Republicans weren’t actively sending them to war/actively promoting fascism). Ice’s voting record (and after 1988, Mav’s too) 1980-2020—note that he has always considered himself an “educated moderate”: 1980: Reagan. 1984: Reagan. 1988: Bush. 1992: Bush. 1996: Clinton (reaction to aftermath of PGW. Doesn’t care that Clinton enacted DADT because “I’m not [redacted], so it doesn’t apply to me”). 2000: Gore (refusal to vote for another Bush). 2004: Kerry (Mav votes Bush this year out of spite as he and Ice are going through their break-up). 2008: McCain (Navy loyalty). 2012: Obama (liked him as a person/worked closely with him, didn’t like his policies so much). 2016: Clinton (no other alternative). 2020: Biden (actually liked/previously worked with Biden, and now actively married to another man and therefore had to make some liberal concessions). 2024-onwards they will vote for any Democrat as long as they aren’t a “socialist.”

17. Also, Maverick didn’t vote in 2016. Partially because in my universe the TGM mission takes place that November, very near the election, and he has bigger fish to fry (something Ice will later take him to task for), and partially because I genuinely think he wouldn’t be able to stomach either mainstream candidate and probably would’ve voted for Libertarian Gary Johnson, which might have torn his relationship with Ice to shreds a few days before schedule. “Are you fucking kidding me? Johnson? Pete, this moron’s moronic party wants to abolish the driver’s license—” / “—Yeah, and then I could ride your sweet wheels with no problem whatsoever—maybe he’ll abolish pilots’ licenses, too, I’d like to see that—” / “If you vote for Gary fucking Johnson, I will very happily stop footing the bill for your piece-of-shit airplane, and you can see how useful your pilot’s license is then—” / So Mav didn’t vote in 2016. 

35. In terms of what he Tweets: I do foresee, post-retirement, Ice basically becoming a neoliberal military intellectual type on Twitter a la Mark Hertling (look him up on Twitter). Bio: “Retired @SECNAV. Advisor @WhiteHouse and @VoteVets. Contributing writer @TheAtlantic. Interested in geopolitics & modern warfare. Aviator, husband, Padres fan. [American flag emoji]” Only posts pictures of himself and Maverick at three specific annual events: 1. their wedding anniversary (“36 years with this fool and he’s still surprised to find out that I like the F-5 better than the A-4 #happyanniversary”), 2. every EAA Airventure (huge airplane convention), 3. San Francisco’s Fleet Week (which of course they MUST attend, they even headline it in 2018). Informative, analytical, highly-respected. Maybe goes on CNN or NBC all the time to talk about civil-military relations shit (aversion to FOX since the start of the Iraq War). Gonna say he had like four really viral threads about Russia and Ukraine in April or May and so has 300k followers or something like that. He has a personal website that links back to his Twitter and every essay he writes for international publications, with a pretty braggadocious bio (something along the lines of “Tom Kazansky has directly almost started global nuclear war twice in his life, and in the thirty-year gap in between, sold the Swiss half their entire goddamn Air Force and directed an entire Fleet during the Iraq War”). Lots of tweets like “Military aviation hot take: Compared to the F-22, the F-35 is a waste of money. Source: husband with 400+ hours of F-35 experience.” / “[Quote tweet of Russian Foreign Minister boasting about Su-57 production lines] Oh, so you guys finally figured out how to make more than one every other year?” / “Analysis of the failure of Russia’s Black Sea Fleet in Ukraine, from an ex-US Pacific Fleet Commander’s perspective: a short [thread emoji] [This thread gets 26k likes and 4k retweets]” / “This weekend my husband & I flew in to @EAA Oshkosh #OSH19 & took home first place for best P-51. Not to brag, but.” (A reply to this tweet: “Sir, you really know how to bury the lede that your husband is Adm. Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell. I had to look it up on Wikipedia.” / @TKazansky: “What, was it not obvious? Who else could it have been?”) Also, I see him writing a whole bunch of op-eds for international political magazines a la Tom Nichols (look him up on Twitter too). Writing analyses of recent geopolitical/military events for the New York Times, the New Yorker, the Bulwark, the Navy Times, the Atlantic, Bellingcat, etc. Not so much focused on domestic issues (but VoteVets [socially progressive vets’ group] board member, and ardently pro-democracy, yay!). He’s a smart guy.

37. This is not a headcanon, just kind of a… a real-life implication. My Ice was Deputy Commander of Third Fleet in 2003, meaning he’d have been there in command of the USS Abraham Lincoln when President Bush gave his “Mission Accomplished” speech aboard that ship in May less than 2 months after the initial American invasion of Iraq. Very premature & embarrassing. Ice would’ve been in direct contact with Bush/Cheney/NSC bureaucrats many, many times during the war. I genuinely believe this is what pushed him over the edge into firm liberal territory.

[pallases]

hi leigh!! i hope you're well :) saw your post with asks and decided i would combine lots of them lol so first thing is tell me abt whatever's bothering you!! i hope nothing's bothering you obv but still.

also i am asking you for book recs. i haven't been reading a lot of proper books lately so any recs are welcome but i kind of feel like some fantasy would do me good. but like good ones? The last couple of years i've been picking up some popular fantasy standalones hoping they feel like a fantasy book you read when you're twelve and they end up being the most mid thing i've ever read. like help. i'm planning to read some robin hobb books so hopefully they're good.

also i've started listening to mitski (talk about being late lol) and i'm really liking her songs i was wondering if you have any particular recs? Or any music recs? what've you been listening to?

sorry this ask is all over the place lol i guess i'm chatty today. i hope you're having an amazing day!! <3<333

ORLA!!!! i hope you are doing well too <3 one thing that is bothering me is school is starting again bc i have gotten virtually no break </3 also that apparently the english class i’m taking doesn’t have any required books i was looking forward to reading actual books not whatever mini readings ig they’re going to be giving us instead ☹️ also also that i did Not in fact get my license like planned this summer bc during the singular week i was home a bunch of stuff suddenly came up and it became no longer my priority and now i will need to renew my permit Again bc it expires in early september and im not going to be able to make it home before that so. <3

as for book recs!! i have tragically had the same problem lately re fantasy books and honestly mostly just books in general BUT i don’t know if you’ve read any ve schwab ive really loved what books of hers ive read. vicious was my favorite, but the monsters of verity duology better fits the “feels like a fantasy book you read when you’re twelve” vibe!

for non-fantasy recs if youre feeling poetry i reallyy liked margaret atwood’s morning in the burned house. also just finished hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy which was v fun! got many laughs out of me, i did not however know before starting it that it’s a series so now idk how to proceed bc i only have the first book agdjfk

OH ALSO fantasy shoutout to strange the dreamer duology 🫶🏻🫶🏻 lovely writing style and world, fascinating antagonist, i was not a big fan of the romance but otherwise big rec on that. definitely not for everyone tho some ppl find the pacing too slow, i remember when i first read it i mentioned that in my review too that it took a bit for me to really get into although i personally wasn’t bored in the meantime like others, i was just chilling enjoying what it had to tell me abt everything

MITSKI RECS!! i love strawberry blond sorry for being basic. square too but specifically square solo piano version which they took off of spotify (idk what you’re listening to her on). because dreaming costs money my dear is also a veryyy hard-hitting one. fond of circle, a burning hill, goodbye my danish sweetheart, nobody, washing machine heart, and class of 2013 as well. that was a lot i will stop now 🫡 also must admit i am quite behind on mitski’s recent releases so i can’t speak for any of her newer albums/songs. except for working for the knife musically it doesn’t hit as much as other songs of hers for me but lyrically it makes me go crazy

as for random music recs my most recently liked songs are unsweetened lemonade by amélie farren, army dreamers by kate bush, numb little bug by em beihold, would that i by hozier, the milk carton by madilyn mei, and comme des enfants by cœur de pirate. i have not really been “listening” listening to anything lately! though that will change in a few days with wisdom saga >:)

— sleepover saturday sunday!

[veryrealimagination]

Comfortember Day 9 - Aftermath

William immediately headed to the room that had been prepared before any of them came in. Terrence Meyers and his father made sure that a safe house was prepped and cleaned before transferring his people, James Pendrick, and Llewellyn from the small hospital.

Julia, thankfully, hadn’t lost her license straight out. The tape with her confession on having to operate on Llewellyn as the only doctor able to at the moment had been sent to the board. They were debating on possible punishments, or even if she deserved them. Now, she had taken up residence in the room shared by the worst of the injured. James, who remembered underneath rubble, had slowly been regaining his modern memories as he dealt with the past ones. His shoulder was once again, dislocated. At least with modern rehab techniques, it wouldn’t end up like it had in the previous life.

There was a doctor and nurse pair sent from the intelligence agency, vetted by Meyers and Harry before being allowed to step in and work on the four. Henry was propped up with a computer and offsite access to the intelligence information, barely waiting until the concussion was gone before diving into the investigation as best as he could. George was recuperating from the broken arm and an infection that he managed to get from the exposed bone marrow. The two were bickering and talking while they waited for the worst to pass through George and he could be up adding to research again.

Llewellyn had only woken up twice since his massive surgery, which worried the maternal part of Julia but not her medical background. Impaled through the lung, massive loss of blood, right arm had multiple breaks and his left has restricted blood flow for hours, one leg broken and the other with a jagged, deep laceration. It wasn’t a surprise that he wasn’t more awake, although that meant he was on an IV drip and had nothing to eat for a few days. He wouldn’t be moving for at least half a year, and she believed he wouldn’t be halfway to his old physical self for over a year.

Once he could stay awake, he would go insane.

Julia had taken over a couch. After the first two days of resting and eating from her intense work, she was just watching over her son while talking with James. She didn’t want to leave him until he was able to keep a cohesive thought and stay awake for more than an hour.

Murdoch had been going out with Meyers and Harry, working the bombing just the same as any case back in Toronto. Evidence was being processed steadily, although it was hard getting to the shrapnel and possible fragments left. The people working there were slowly being interviewed for what they saw, knew about Pendrick, and everything surrounding him. It was long, taking the better part of two hours.

There was also a fair bit to go through. Thankfully, there was already a table when he made his way to the room. He laid down the files and lightly kissed Julia before sitting down himself. “There’s going to be dinner delivered in an hour. Harry’s bringing pizza.”

Julia nodded, settling herself down on his side. “A good change from the canned soups Meyers brought and dropped off. The kitchen isn’t the greatest for cooking anything.”

He knew that well enough. The microwave died out when he started using that, and the stove was barely functional. There was a lighter sitting next to it to ignite gas when they turned the knobs. “Hopefully, it’ll be filling. Doing investigations into a terrorist act with Meyers hanging over my head is a lot more exhausting than it was previously.”

She huffed. “I know they’ve had issues with getting money, but a microwave can’t cost that much.”

“What is it, like, a hundred dollars?” a tired voice mocked. James was awake, and starting to listen in on the couple.

Murdoch nodded, somewhat understanding the reference. “One of the first ones I ever took apart was about that much. Mary screamed when she saw I had taken apart the one they were planning on sending to the trash. She and Caleb had to warn me about the dangers of unplugged microwaves.” Julia smacked him. Of course, he would do something dangerous like that.

“It was the first family one. Dad was so angry at me tearing that apart,” James admitted.

“At least you never,” a tired voice started. Julia snapped her head around when she saw Llewellyn looking over, “Had to deal with that from me.”

“Llewellyn,” she said, standing up and going over to the bed.

His smile was weak. “Just fingerpainted on Grandpa’s canvases.” William joined Julia by her side, gently pressing the back of his hand to an uncovered part of his arm. He hadn’t seen him awake at all since finding him in the rubble.

She threaded through his hair. “Those were pretty pennies to replace. Although he told me that one of those paintings sold well enough that he almost wanted to let you keep doing it.” He smiled, then grimaced at something sending a sharp pain through him. “Where?”

“S-side,” he whispered, closing his eyes when another sharp pain went through.

“Do you want a hit?”

He shook his head. “No. Don’t like fuzzy.” Julia frowned, as she didn’t like watching him be in pain. “I’ll ignore it,” he breathed, “Like I do the ‘artbreak.”

“You didn’t ignore that, you stole two bottles of wine while she was out doing interviews,” William ratted out.

“Hey,” he protested. There was a promise weaseled out of him to never tell Julia about what he did after being dumped by Jack.

“Llewellyn,” she hissed. Honestly, she already had a thought that something had happened the two weeks she had to go cross country promoting her new work. Coming home and feeling a change in the status quo between William, Dad, and Llewellyn, she carefully watched them for two weeks. Never quite picked it up, but now knowing there were two bottles that he must have drunk after Jack made her wonder about the time.

“I, replaced them!”

“You, out of all people, should know about underage drinking and how dangerous, and bad, it can be for you,” she said.

“Wasn’t that bad last time,” he murmured, falling asleep.

That frown was more pronounced than the last one. “I think,” James said, “That I will take a walk-”

“Stay down,” she ordered, pointing at him with not even stopping her other hand. “William, we will be having a Talk about what happened.”

William knew how that was going to go. Which, he was grateful for Henry and George managing to get in the door. George had the laptop while Henry leaned on the crutches. “Should we come back later?” he asked, knowing he would get two different answers, at least.

“Yes.” Julia.

“No.” Murdoch.

“Please don’t leave me with them.” James. The last had everyone except the sleeper looking at him. “Mom and Dad are fighting,” he mocked, pointing at the two. George set down the laptop while getting more chairs. William went with him. “Anything on who bombed my lab and almost killed me?”

“A couple of suspects,” Henry said, taking Julia’s chair with permission. She nabbed William’s to look at the computer.

“Good. As long as one of them isn’t Allen Clegg,” he shuddered, remembering the rabies mutation that he made last time.

“Haven’t ran across him yet,” Henry relayed, “Or Sally. She is in the country, however.”

“Ugh,” he moaned, “At least she didn’t frame me this time.”

“William would have seen through it in a minute,” Julia said. “All of them would have.” Two more chairs, and the small group settled to start going through evidence that Henry dug up.

[hotcrossbun]

potential trigger warning:

I'm unsure of all the triggers I'll post so read at your own discretion. thank you. (addiction, divorce, DV, homelessness, sewer slide ideation, family separation) ((i think thats all))

diagnosed: bipolar 2, PTSD, gad.

ive been diagnosed bipolar 2 for 11 years. I'm only 26 years old but I feel my life has spun a little out of control this last year- since November of 2022. I impulsively (and probably mid episode) got married 5 years ago (2018) to a person I knew in high school. my daughter was only about 10 months old. it was really great while we were initially seeing each other but got married after only 2 weeks of officially dating. 😬 I was scared of the idea of being a single mom, trying to do it all and be mom and dad. and i did love them, we knew each other well for years and fell out for a while, but I wanted a sense of family and stability for myself and my daughter. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, but very very quickly the relationship turned. a lot of it was my fault- but there's plenty of issues that went around. I wasn't managing my illness well and they had been diagnosed BPD. their family eventually pulled back and enabled behaviors. there was a lot of abuse to each other from both sides. physical and emotional.

my daughter saw a lot she shouldn't have, me with injuries that probably scared her, listening to a lot of yelling and bad things. I feel horrible about it. I feel like I didn't protect her correctly but I still wanted her to have a family. I tried to leave multiple times but felt I had no where to really go- I felt safer in the chaos, at least it made sense, right? my instability and lack of support had transferred to my daughter unintentionally and I can't forgive myself for it.

after my ex spouse was arrested for DV in March this year we continued to talk and communicate when we weren't supposed to. ( no contact order ) maybe a little trauma bond-y but we both got evicted from the apartment and bc of a lack of support in my life we moved into another place together. I felt me and my daughter wouldn't have had a place to go. but the relationship was the same. we both triggered the worst parts of each other and both were pretty heavily drinking nightly at this point:(

they got charged officially in early July and when the court stuff was over they really never came back home. it was right before Father's Day and it really hurt me and luckily my daughter isn't really old enough to quite understand yet. (she's young, also a bit on the spectrum and has some speech development delays)

but I hurt for her because they decided to no longer be a part of either of our lives. (since July they have spoken to her 3 times and moved away from our hometown as well) ((everytime they spoke i had advocated for the communication))

my daughter and I moved a few states away for the summer to try to restart closer to my sister but my drinking was a little out of control. the divorce was finalized after our move and it hurt me a lot. I felt that I would tolerate anything for their love but they couldn't accept consequences to their actions. and I think it triggered a deep mixed episode I wasn't aware I was in. but I almost figured it out, I had an apartment lined up in a new state- 2 jobs, a new drivers license and insurance in a new state, my daughter was enrolled to start school. (all done while severely impaired, I was constantly under the influence of alcohol) ((sober now but probably would still drink given the ability, sadly enough.)) we were going to move out of my sister's as soon as I paid the deposit for our new place and my application got accepted to the complex- but the night before my daughter was supposed to start school I was deeply intoxicated and my sister noticed. she has a very low tolerance for any form of substance abuse and I did know that. I just rationalized what I was doing- I thought bc I was sad and upset- going through a lot- since it wasn't illegal- since I was still getting things done- that it was okay. we got kicked out of my sister's house that night and had to stay in a hotel for about a week.

while we stayed in the hotel I got very very low and contemplated sewer slide, my daughter couldn't get to school bc I didn't have a car and the buses didn't go all the way out to where we were, my sister wouldn't watch my daughter so I could work, and I was running low on funds to continue to pay for the room and a deposit on my apartment. I felt alone and like there was nothing left I could do. I acknowledged my negative consequences to my decisions, and the guilt hit hard, i just felt so lost. my wallet got stolen and had my card maxed out. we couldn't fly back to my home state bc my ID was in my wallet and I thought we were going to be homeless. I made some calls and long story short now we live with my daughters bio father, after a lot of borrowed money and a 18 hour car ride, and a lot of grateful feelings towards him and to the universe.❤️

I've always loved this man, I am now dating him again. he's never done wrong by me, it was always me that left and created any of the minute conflicts we've had. I think it has been a long time coming- me and my daughters dad being back together- he has been my best friend for longer than I can really put my finger on. but sometimes I feel like I've just lost all control of my life and worry we're just together bc I lost everything, because we've always been there for each other. recognizably harsh, he would be hurt if I said that, and doesn't lead me to think that. I just worry. he's not a perfect guy, he has tendencies at times that are hard to cope with but I love him for it it all. he's been through a lot lately too- but he's kind and tries really hard to be here for me even when I don't want him to be. he loves me and sees me, our upbringings are different but similar enough to be compatible. he helps me be better, more open, he keeps my heart and soul soft. hes no stranger to mental illness in himself or his family, but also doesn't struggle in the same way as me. I understand him and I hope he feels as if I've been here for him the same way as well.

last night after a long long trip, I started to feel a little episode starting to creep up after handling some situational and circumstantial things that are from our pasts. we both respected each other's separate lives but now have to make them coincide. collaborate and mix our separate lives into one. and now I feel like I'm in another mixed state. wanting to change my emotional identity and be someone else, impulsive feelings and manic thinking and lots and lots of guilt and feeling like an imposter, like I don't deserve to be here in this life or to be cared about. to be taken care of. to participate.

I know this man doesn't trigger me the same way but I have some deep rooted issues and emotional instability that I've been able to keep at bay for the most part. but there's a big part of me that recognizes that just 6 months ago this is not at all where I pictured myself or my daughter. I wouldn't truly change anything about right now- I'm happier ironically and feel safe. it was an off route to happiness I feel. but I fell behind again in things like med insurance and jobs and my daughter going to school bc of moving from out of state to back into our home state, and I have some solutions to these issues, we are balancing responsibilities that contain large dynamics that are so new- but what if the instability never ends? my life is unstable. it always has been. same with my emotions. am I bringing chaos to others lives?

how am I supposed to trust myself in the new life and 'solutions' and know if it's actually coming from a stable non-episode thinking? I always trust everything initially and then it turns into something else, like others are misleading me and I'm misleading myself, maybe that I'm misleading them, with or without the intention to do so. I internalize and am self aware almost to a detriment and I think it just causes more issues, bc I don't know what really is sane and what's not sometimes. am I delusional? am I missing the bigger picture? I love hard and feel everything so deeply idk what to trust anymore.

luckily my daughter is adjusting well, she's smart and kind and healthy, she's strong and willful. I just know that it's probably so hard on her and she lost the person she knew her whole life as her father. been moved around and the one thing she wanted to do was go to school and I couldn't do that for her. I feel so guilty. she's happy, her bio dad loves her so much but also I know that huge transitions for little ones isn't always easy and losing people no matter who they are hurts. she may not get it super well right now but I worry when she's older and really starts to grasp everything that has happened it will be something she will genuinely struggle with. it feels like its my fault. I wasn't dealt the best hand in life and although I do my best with it, by default it's her life now too.

I guess I wanted to express, maybe get some validation and advice. I'm seeking therapeutic services but waiting lists are forever long and it doesn't seem to be possible at the moment. I'm holding in there, I'm okay, just feels like everything could not be okay in a moments notice. I feel alone in my type of situation and feel so misunderstood by some people who've meant the most to me. I can't blame anyone though for not understanding bc I don't really understand it myself. I'm strong but only so beefed. smart but only so intelligent. I worry this is my life now. constantly just waiting for the ups and downs to make themselves known, and the consequences of my actions to be the things to tell me that I was in an episode and wasn't thinking clearly.

if you got to the end of this thank you for your time. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and I have very little family. I know my boyfriend loves me but I won't bring him down with my worries. I know that these neg feelings are probably fleeting but the consequences of life never are. I just wanted better for my daughters experiences. for her emotional well-being and her stability. I hope I am on the correct life path bc I am growing tired and a little hopeless that I am making the same mistakes. thank you again⛅

[vampryn]

im startin’ to get reaaaal stressed out here... so ive been at the same job for the last 6 years. over these 6 years ive NEVER been able to support myself with just this one job alone, so ive had to go off and on having a second part-time job so i can afford to pay to survive.. anyway, over the last few months ive been getting enough hours to survive with one job, but now that we’re off holiday season im mad strapped for cash.. (im not asking for money lmao dw). im starting to really dislike my job. the staff i have are currently insanely irresponsible, and are doing a lot of shady things that i REALLY dont want to be involved in.. plus, they’ve formed a clique and they feel like the girls who would pick on me in high school.. i’ve made the decision to pay for the ontario license to be able to work at a dispensary.. the course is honestly terrible. its so boring, and while it started off super comprehensive and digestible, it’s slowly turned into a WalMart training video where its 2 full hours of them repeating the same 5 talking points.. im not kidding, they went over refusing service for TWO HOURS.. worked on the course for 4.5 hours total yesterday and im somehow only halfway done.. im pretty sure they make you do all of this as a secondary vetting system.. you know.. so the lazy people give up, and the people left have proven themselves.. can i also just say that most places pay you for your time while youre training.. whereas with this bullshit i had to pay $70, and assumably 8+ hours of my life.. amidst all of this, my coworkers all decided that when each of them got sick, none of them would call out or wear a mask, so everybody has been slowly dropping from getting the same sickness... sure enough, a few days ago i started to feel a bit icky.. and now that im in the peak of looking for an apartment AND a job, im in the peak of the sickness.. (wah-ah-ah-awwhh) through all of this, tomorrow was meant to be the valentines day all-ages event that ive been waiting for (im)patiently, and now because im sick im not sure i’ll be able to go.. which is additionally stressful because that means im losing the money i paid for the fucking tickets with.. PLUS i havent been out in over a month, and am missing the sense of community i get from going to the events with all of the spookies in the city :’(  right now im trying not to freak out because theres so much going on, and so much unknown around the corner, but its hard not to when i feel like im halfway through so many things.. plus since im sick, i just want to lay in bed and have my boyfriend rub my back while watching matilda on vhs :(  fortunately, when life gets hectic like this, it usually means that soon i’ll figure everything out, and my life will be balanced again//settle down. at this point i am kind of missing when my life felt boring though.. i want to travel or maybe even just launch myself to the moon where i can live on moon-cheese and hang out with the robot from wallace and gromit 

[lqfiles]

everyone need a karina in their life fr 😓 AND YANGYANG LIVE REPORTING JAEM AND RENJUN IM CRYING??? imagining he followed them around for a while too..

I WAS ALSO RHINKING HOW WE HAD THREE CONVOS GOING IN ONE MESSAGE LMFAAOOO but the school thing like yeah im actively in college but just part time like i really do not gaf 😹😹😹 im taking two first year level classes rn and i know im ab to fail this trig exam in a few weeks and my english class gmfu bc this hag was backhandedly accusing me of using chatgpt bc my essays were “too polished” and “too good to be true” but she praising a boy in the class for writing at the same level as me GIRL FUCK YOU MY VOCABULARY IS FROM WRITING AND READING FANFICTION i am not haechoxo for nothing 😒 anyway i deadass am taking this college shit so lightly rn i have no classes that has to do anything with psychology which is my entire major. next semester i signed up for only two classes again (YOGA AND A SPIN CLASS LMAO) so i can be free most of the week to either get a stupid job OR…. get my drivers license…. 20 yrs old and i cant drive…

hows ur week been bbg 😼 any new ARAB BABES 🙏🙏

—🪼

yangyang would be so bored and do it just for the heck of it hsjdjdjd that one jobless friend… and yasss ynrina saved and doing well we are #Happy but this also means we’re lowk nearing the end of ptp like DAMN WOAH… just that last bit of angst and all, i genuinely think this might be done in like 10 chapters or smth wowie

GIRL DONT RHINK LIKE RHAT you should be having positive thoughts with positive manifestations like YES i will pass YES i am doing well in school!! and HELPP???? LOWKEY THATS BOTH A COMPLIMENT AND AN INSULT OMG they said that your work is TOO well written which slayyyy but they also said it’s too good to be yours so indirectly calling you a bad writer this is wild 😭 they’re not familiar with haechoxo peakery 🤦🏽‍♀️ and GIRL WDYM YOGA AND SPIN CLASSES WHAT KIND OF COLLEGE ARE YOU GOING TO IM CRYINGGG like why are they lowk chill AF over there omg… should i come over and see this for myself like i’m so intrigued rn and pls ive been wanting to get my drivers license too but i’m soooo lazy even tho my dad is encouraging me to learn it </3 if you do it maybe i will get motivated and do it too

my week was boring honestly, i had no college on Tuesday and friday so i only had 2 and a half days of school and i really did nothing i fear 😭 i didn’t even go and see my arab babe because i didn’t wanna be a beg and make it seem like i WANNA talk to him yk #NonchalantAntics but nothing rlly happened i’m just living life 😂✌🏽 let’s just keep living and love life idk ❤️

[lushlagoon]

091424

in bed listening to the same music i did during covid, samia and indigo de Souza and haley blais and Phoebe. I can close my eyes and pretended it's covid. im in my kitchen baking and listening to samias fit n full, I am a senior in high school, im driving to the salad place in cool springs or the otaku ramen in west Nashville to pick up food and just get out of the house with my dad, it is winter. I think I will go look at pictures of that now.

ive done a pretty good job of documenting a lot of my life. in high school I had a few apps of diaries and video diaries, first couple years of college I had a sporadic diary and committed to constantly posting on my finsta story, now I have this page. im not ready to look back at things yet. I can't handle it. but there's lots to look back at.

I remember the night my grandma fell during covid, it was scary and ambulances came to the house. I saw her being wheeled off and was worried that was the last time I would see her. I cried in my parents room trying to hold my dog back but she jumped out of my arms, I could never do anything right like anyone else.

its weird that for years my grandmas health was so bad. now shes fine, and my grandpa is the sick one. hes kind of there in his head, hes kind of not. shes risen to the occasion to be there for him, I wish I didnt have covid right now and could spend time with them. im trapped in my room but its ok, music is good and I like typing, its raining and its saturday. its only 11am somehow, im jet lagged and sick so my sleep is both fucked and perfect.

saturday means nothing to me. I am graduated and unemployed as of 2 days ago. I just got my final grades back for all of college. I will have my diploma soon. my dad cried when I was in line to graduate. he couldn't talk. I love him so much, he tried to book a restaurant while we were in Paris that inspired ratatouille but it was raining and we were supposed to sit on a patio. hes way cooler than me. ive been applying to jobs but its tiring and ive been getting nothing good in return.

I used to be annoyed by a lot of my friends. now im not. I think I might be the annoying one. it's better to be the annoying one than be annoyed, but It feels like middle school in my head again sometimes. im so quiet I think, how could I be annoying.

about a month before covid hit, I went to a king princess concert with a few of my friends and my future girlfriend. I had a huge crush on her and that concert felt magical, I had so much fun. my room was set up differently, with my bed against the wall. the room felt bigger. I remember thinking "this makes me so happy, I need to just go to as many concerts as I can". I had had my license for a month, drove my blue bmw, and was trying to get a first job. When covid first hit, I decorated my room for all my friends to come over when the virus passed. I put up photos of my friends on my wall. nobody ever came over, and I think still only like 2 friends have entered this room since covid ended. except for my 18th birthday, that was so much fun. why do we never have fun any more? it feels like my friends are settling down already, getting boring. if I think about it too much it makes me sad, all the photos of my friends on my wall for months but nobody ever saw them.

my dad said the other day 18 is far from 21. I said no it's not, because in my head im still close to 18. but im not, it's not close.

I waited until I was 21 to go to bars and didnt get a fake, so maybe I will wait until my frontal lobe develops to try mushrooms.

i always get covid at weird times, like right before im supposed to go to San Diego. I got it right before my freshman year and had to come at normal time instead of early, I felt so behind when I got there. now im getting it before what was supposed to be my 4th year. I think if everything goes to plan I won't be too sad that Im not having a 4th year.

I was looking around my room at the sign brittani made almost 3 years ago, welcome home andie. I will never be a freshman again. last night I freaked out about that but this morning I can see everything more clearly. everybody has their own experience, I had to grow out of my shell in my own time.

I dont think im good with kids and I wish I was. Im excited for Christmas as long as my nephew doesnt cry when I get him a gift.

I told my girlfriend at the beginning of our relationship that I didnt want her to be friends with one of my friends. I get jealous, like thats my friend dont take them. she didn't understand and now theyre on a trip together. I dont think it's fair that if we break up wed have to share that friend when I stated I didnt want that. and it wasnt like I could stop the friendship, they do fun things together and it was good for my friend.

ive never believed in marriage. I dont wanna talk about it more. but literally never since I was a kid have I thought I would get married. now I understand I will probably have to, but im still unsure that I want to.

im jealous of my girlfriend and her whole music thing. the parts im jealous of, she has something to document, and something for her parents to be proud of. she has a constant outlet for creativity and she has time for it. im jealous she doesnt have to work, but im out of state so, I have to compensate for the massive bills somehow. I need to apply to jobs, and she doesnt like when I talk about it because it makes her stressed. she will be fine, her familys from California.

I am already feeling nostalgic for music from less than 6 months ago. adrianne lenkers new album makes my heart ache, makes me think about the trip to norcal. it was so beautiful. I think I will have to move back to Tennessee soon, and I havent even technically left.

anything by adrianne came on and I started crying, not a sad cry but an emotional cry and it felt good. my dad brought me a cup of green tea in my favorite mug with the painting from ferris beullers day off on it, I havent really dranken green tea since high school when I was trying to lose weight. my mom just got back from a business trip. everything Is right.

I heard adrianne for the first time from Charlie freshman year. I came back to Nashville and got back together with my ex girlfriend and listened to the music with her an entire night one time. im not sure who the song reminds me of, I think more Charlie. its so serendipitous that me and my roommates ended up together.

one of my friends said they thought I was the type of person to not keep in touch with friends after I move. that hurt my feelings but now I almost think that was a dream.

[maxxklaire]

marathon

truthfully i don’t think i’d be alive right now if i didn’t have music. especially my own music, im more alone & sad & depressed & shit than i’ve ever felt. & i’ve been running & avoiding & trying to be okay for so long, i cant escape though. it catches up to me no matter how much i think i’ve healed, how okay i think i am. it’s exhausting & i’m tired. i don’t want to kill myseld, that’s corny & i’ve done nothing significant to me yet. idc about significant to others, i hope i can be someone ppl use like i use music. to feel. to express. not that i have any fans anyways, im only doing it for me. my own gf i watxh her skip my songs whenever they come on in her playlist so. do i kepe going? is that the choice i want? i jus want less, less pain, less melancholy & more life exploding from me. all i feel exploding is my head in my imagination when i’m splattering it onto the new canvas i bought, yes Van Gogh my fav artist. i’m jus idk. to the point i know my life has to change & i know i have too but i don’t have the people around me , i don’t have the resources, i don’t even have a car, a bed, i sleep on a couch for the last 4 years. i haven’t had a job since i was 19 & im 21 now. my family always telling me i need to get this & that but never want to help me, but they help my siblings so i guess they aren’t complete assholes. i’ve always felt cast aside in my own home , childhood was terrible for me bc it was the worst years of our live collectively and i was rhe oldest of my siblings so im the only one who really remembwes and was affexted by it all. being 13-18 during it all, and watxhing and experiencing it all and having it completelly change & create who i am now. & i’m still dealing with it all bc i supressed so much. it comes out in bursts & moods i jus want it to come out in art. my music. my drawings. eveyrthing bleeding from me is agony onto the pages & beats but none of it is me. it’s all made up , all what i envision happiness to be. i create chatacter & settings for songs & then abandon them bc i cant create in real time what i see in my mind. i lack the confidence & im aware of tha. i think too much about being perceived & i can feel something coming that’s gonna change that, i hope. i care to much about eveyrthing & everyone & how ill be seen bc of what i might say on a song or in a tweet or wear on my body. i hate it. i love music & it’s the only outlet i have , i have few friends & no friends who are in music like me. i’ve met ppl online far away who are as passionate as me but they also are in horrible positions. i’ve met people i wnat to reach out too & ask to help me with my music & work wit them. Fatmowf, Modure , G Smoove , amongst others but my fear of rejection & being seen as not able to even make music good is the issue. i don’t care about making good music i like making what i like, but then i start trying to hard & start thinking “oh this isn’t good no one will like this i have to make it be good” & then it jus gets worse. i hate every song i’ve written bc they’re all so try hard & imitating the ppl i like. which is fine i guess. everything i make sound so simple & uninteresting , my voice sounds shitty on every song, i cant write a song with a clear point theme or topic. ive thought of giving up but i never will bc this is what i wanna be. what i wanna do. i’m putting all i have of me into music & if it doesn’t pay off by 27 or sum i might kill myself. bc depressed but also like i’m not going thru life working mediocre jobs & bullshit for others. eveyrday working the same job for $10 hr hating life. i cant do that. i’m writing this from my gmas bathroom bc i came to see her & she asked what’s wrong & i said i’m depressed & she told me i need to get out & do stuff & get a job. i had my life taken from me by her & my family bc they took all the support i could’ve had away. they sold my car before i even got my license. they never took me to get it i didn’t get it till i was 19. they never talked to me growing up abt my feelings etc & never came to