#ive discovered things about myself while writing this

[getonite]

hiiii! seen a couple of people do this, plus i realized i don't appreciate my mutuals as much as i should. and since the year is ending (literally today), i thought i'd appreciate y'all for a lil bit.

→ if the tagging irritated you, i apologize 🙏🏾. if i missed you, lmk, i was 100% half asleep while making this! (this is actually so embarrassing ngl. but i luv yall 🫶🏾)

(🎧 : avian) → @sensivs

starting off with my pookie with a beautiful (horny) brain. im dead fucking serious i have zero idea how we became mutuals (🧍🏾‍♂️). i just remembering talking to you one day, and the we were having full conversations in dms lmaoo. an emoji ring, helios, an unborn baby (??), and multiple fic ideas...now we're at the end of the year. i really appreciate you and all of your chaotic energy, it made me laugh! and all of your prompts are immaculate (🤌🏽). i await the days you post more fics or drabbles so i can support you the way you have me! :) luv u pooks, i def wanna ramble u more about hcs!

→ (i sound like im about to die omg)

(🎧 : snail/seraph) → @flimsyichigo

again, zero fucking idea when we became mutuals (i don't remember shit). we don't talk too often but i be seein you likeing my horrendously down bad and chaotic thoughts...i appreciate you bro (🙏🏾). i love your fluffy blue lock sruff, and your overall vibes are (yes, through the screen) amazing! thank you for dealing with my bullshit.

→ (as i type this, i realize just how many mutuals i have jeez, (half of which i barely talk to but still))

(🎧 : ame) → @pastelclovds

ameeeee, number 1 ive always loved your writing (iterally giggling and kicking my feet as i press the like button). your themes r so fucking gorgeous omg. we don't talk as often, but i love when we do interact. i hope we can more (im just easily embarrassed).

→ (i sound like a teenager leaving a love letter in a locker. omggggg)

(🎧 : ace ) → @acefantasyy

another person who puts up with my horrendously down bad bullshit takes. i applaude you for dealing with my ass lmaoo. but, on another note, i smile when i see you in my notes (no, i didn't originally mean that 2 b a joke). i really appreciate the reply you made when i went on a little break, thank you! i hope you continue to deal me, and i hope we interact more!

→ (i really gotta start talkin 2 yall more)

(🎧 : riri) → @pynkkgeto

we're friends irl. i don't have 2 say shit 4 u (luv uuu 🫶🏾)

(🎧 : rome) → @satocidal

yet another person who delt with my nonsense lol. you're quite busy, so you won't see this for a second. but thank you for being awesome and making me laugh with your naobito jokes. thank for the reply you left when i was the one going on break. hope all goes well for you!

(🎧 : idk ur name TvT) → @infrunamie

i feel so bad omg. but i wanted to appreciate your writing for a sec. whether its a drabble, headcanons, a fic, or just 100 words, your brain is miraculous when you write cuz it always leads to me wanted more. seriously, i love it. i was actually shocked you followed me, literally looked up to your writing ong (🙏🏾). i love it when you show up in my notes even if it's just a like. thank you for your reply when i went on break, trust, all of them got me through those shitty ass exams! ty!

→ (im sure this isn't what my therapist meant by being outgoing but im gunna do ts anyway)

(🎧 : spirit) → @spiritfrvr

literally the best vibes on earth i swear. your blog is like a fluffy hug omg. and (imo), you kinda bring that over to other blogs. i'd really like to talk to you more and ramble about random shit! :)

(🎧 : arlan) → @asuyaka

your drabbles r so cuuutee! i love them so much omg. especially the taking care of suguru one! i was surprised you liked my writing sm, and i love yours the same! i really appreciate the little reply under the break post and the christmas tree! seeing notifs of u makes me smile!

(🎧 : qi) → @yaekiss

i don't think we've been mutuals for too long, but omg we reeally should speak more!! i loved your message on the christmas tree! i love the vibe and look of your blog omg. i hope we can interact more!

(🎧 : juno) → @arlertdarling

hi junooo! ty for the message on my christmas tree, and i agree! we really should interact more! you seem like a realllly cool person, plus im on my fucking knees for your writing, dead serious. hope we can talk more, i hope you have a great 2024!

→ (srsly, y tf do i sound like im moving far away or smth TvT)

(🎧 : najma) → @honeybleed

ilysm ong. number one, we cousins (😔✊🏾; im joking pls help), number two, your theme was downright gorgeous (still is), number three, your writing it delicious. i haven't had too much time lately, buuut, i love how you post content that isn't completely smut (as a smut blog that fails at angst lol). its nice to get a break and see fluffy or angsty stuff in the tags instead of the same repeated material. you know you what you like and you stand firm in what you say (i need 2 b more like u fr), and your overall vibes are amazing! i love seeing your anime takes omg. i hope we can interact more in 2024!

→ (that kinda rhymed...and unrelated, but im listening to the mean girls soundtrack or 4 hours of sleep writing this)

(🎧 : yoru) → @dilfverz

number one, thank you for the messege on my christmas tree. number two, your so cool (😭). i love your themes and your writing, how you interact with ppl and anons is funny lol. literally look up to your writing ngl. i super appreciate your for explaining genshin impact to me, cuz im definitely not playing that damn game lol. your reblogs and likes in my notes make me wanna cry ngl. thank you for being so cool! (🙏🏾)

→ (am i over using emojis? i am so tired omg)

(🎧 : sy) → @wrizzesley

we just became mutuals like a week ago lmaoo. but i love your writing so much. and your themes?!?! (:O). i know damn well that shit is time consuming and exhausting, i applaud you, i could never lol. but anyway, i hope we can interact more in this new year. i think your really cool!

(🎧 : astro? idk im so sorry) → @astroknottt

i love your writing holy fuck. but other than that, i love it when you reblog my stuff! esp with those little comments, they've given me a bunch of motivation. and seeing you write such toe curling shit, that gives me motivation too! hope we can interact some more in the new year!

→ (pls ignore my silent pleas for help in these notes, but my vision is wonky. i promise im going to sleep in a second)

(🎧 : ) → @naee0

your probably locked out of tumblr again lol. but if you see this, thank you for your chaotic energy! and even if it was one sentence, what you sent on thr break post, i really appreciate it! even if you or me aren't on tumblr much, i hope we can interact a bit more! you're pretty cool! and i loved those drabbles. i hope your doing great!

PRODUCER MESSEGE: "i think that was all. again, if i missed you, please lmk. i might have been blind (my eyes prolly look like that squidward meme). but i appreciate all of you! thank you, and pls dont hate me 🙏🏾"

[orcelito]

Wild that anytime I post an update a lot of people read it and are even excited about it and have their own thoughts and reactions to it that I'll never know.

Comments are only the very tip of the iceberg with it. And I am Very grateful to commenters for letting me in on it. But in the same way that I'll be excited with my friends when a fic we love updates, it's likely that Other people enthuse with Their friends when my fic updates. And it's just so strange. An experience I'll never have access to.

Everyone's relationship with my fic is unique. So many different people with so many different circumstances and preferences... and the number of people that have told me that my fic is one of their favorites, some even saying it's their Favorite favorite... every single one of them have their own relationship with my writing.

It's just interesting to me. I think and think and think on my writing. I have my plans for basically the entire fic, the way I want it to end already thought out, all the major plot beats and the relationship progressions, All of that thought out. I love my writing so very much, but I'm on the inside looking out. This is my mechanical horse, and I'm in here laying out the groundwork and pulling levers and constructing limbs, puttering away making the horse move. Forever and always, my relationship with it will be more intimate than anyone's, and yet more clinical. Because I know it better than the back of my own hand, but I'll never have the experience of reading it fresh. Of reading it without knowing everything that's going to happen from now to the end and beyond. I won't have the thrill of the plot twists I have planned, the delight at seeing things progress, the horror at seeing things go wrong...

This is my mechanical horse, and I'm making it move.

I just always wonder what it must be like to see it from the outside. I hope to others that it's a pretty horse.

[peach-top]

❝𝙑𝙄𝙎𝙄𝙊𝙉❞

➤ ACT I. | CHAPTER IV.

➤ RED SPIDER LILY

“And that's how I was able to use my magic for the first time.” [Y] finished while showing off his bow and arrow. “Wind Archer taught me. I have others like Moonlight Cookie to help me with my spell. Some were self-taught. For example; I taught myself how to heal and revive living beings.”

“You seem to be taught really well in the forest without having to go to the Blueberry Yogurt Academy.” White Lily praises the taller male. “Incredible.”

“Thanks. It's not that big of a deal.” The taller male shrugged as his weapon vanished in thin air. “It's not as strong as Wind Archer since I'm unable to control the wind, so I used other magic.”

“I've been in the forest for so long that I never know what could be waiting for me to discover. For example, I learned how to read foreign languages and write back in the Dark Cacao Kingdom. Still a little sloppy, but it's worth a try.”

“Oh, I can't forget that I tried ice cream coffee for the first time. It tastes bitter and sweet.” [Y] continued, “Dark Cacao was kind enough to give me a tour and taught me new things that I've never experienced before.”

White Lily blinked owlishly, “Oh? I've never thought Dark Cacao would be so kind to someone…He is always so serious, but he's not a bad person.”

“True, but I've been seeing him smiling and laughing a lot. Wasn't he always like that?” [Y] tilted his head. “Most of all…he grants me a kiss on the lip before leaving. I don't know what it meant, but I think it's nice.”

White Lily flinched. A kiss? Dark Cacao kiss [Y]? Why? Why was that all of the sudden? Was he an evil clone? Was he put in a good mood? Or…did Dark Cacao fall in love? That's unlike Dark Cacao.

“D…did he really kiss you?” The white haired female gasped.

“Yeah. I wouldn't lie about it.”

“...!”

“I see that you two are getting along. How's everything?” Elder Faerie approached the two.

“It's going pretty well. We were just talking about my travels.” [Y] answered.

The elder faerie turned his attention on White Lily and asked, “White Lily Cookie, are you feeling well? Well enough to open up to the faeries who are awaiting your arrival?”

“Ah…N-not yet…”

“...I understand. We'll wait until you're comfortable.” Elder Faerie nodded with understanding. “It’s getting late. I think you two should get some rest. I will give you two a place to rest.”

“Thank you…”

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

Both White Lily and [Y] were given shelters next to each other, thanks to the faeries who lend them a place to rest. Elder Faerie has to keep watch of the flower that was once again trying to escape. Since [Y] is no longer in their sight, it was becoming much more aggressive, the more it lost the sense of the old master.

“What can we do?” One of the knights frowned.

“...I’ll keep watch of it. I know a magic trick to keep it from escaping.” Elder Faerie answered. “However, starting tomorrow, I would like to set it free.”

“B-but your majesty —”

“Don't worry, it won't attack [Y]. I would like to see if it can be tamed by him.” the elder faerie stated.

“?”

Unknownist to Elder Faerie, a white lily flower slowly turned into a red spider lily flower.

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

White Lily Cookie wakes up to find herself in a black void filled with nothingness. She looked around in panic, calling out for the faeries and [Y], but there were no responses.

“W-where am I…?” White Lily whined. She felt white lily flowers suddenly appear beneath her. “White lilies?”

As she reaches out to touch the flower, only for them all to turn into red spider lilies, catching her off guard. What is even more terrifying, eyes starting popping out from around her.

“...?!”

The female heard heavy footsteps coming from behind her until it stopped. White Lily was too afraid to turn around and faced that person who happened to appear out of nowhere. The aura…the aura is what put her in fear.

❝so…you're white lily cookie.❞ a stoic and deep voice spoke. ❝you’re not someone who I expected. none of you so-called heroes reached my interest. however…you…❞

White Lily tense when the mysterious figure gently grabbed her braid then let it drop on the ground, ❝…are someone i despise. if i were to get control of your body, i would've use all my power to regain my body and memories then killed you…❞

“...W…why me…?” White Lily asked in fear.

❝why…? didn't you cause the birth of dark enchantress cookie? release the spirit? deal with a dragon? ah, can i not forget…you nearly awoke me from the dead. a pity…that i was reborn as someone pure and innocent by that tree…worse, you sealed my beloved friends before they can set themselves free…❞

“?!”

❝don't you realize how unfair it is to have someone precious to you being taken away and your own people you trusted betrayed you behind your damn back❞ the mysterious figure asked in a angry tone. ❝look at what i become. someone who was born with anger, betrayal, and distrust. i envy anyone who didn't suffer a similar fate.❞

“...Who are you…?”

❝you haven't heard my real name…you all call me “the watcher” but my real name is…red spider lily…don't you forget…❞

Before White Lily could ask a question, Red Spider Lily placed his hands on her throat, strangling her. He won't let anyone wake up from their dream without feeling any pain. White Lily struggled to breathe and break free, but unfortunately his grasp was getting stronger, making it impossible for her to escape.

❝you’ll feel little to no pain when you wake up, however you will be awoken with a mark on your throat…you won't remember this conversation either except my name and your encounter of this place. we will probably meet again…in person…❞

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

White Lily jolted awake, holding her throat. [Y] was sitting next to her with a concerned look on his face, “White Lily Cookie…”

“...[Y]...” White Lily whimpered. The taller male panicked slightly, “Did you have a nightmare? You were whimpering in your sleep when I'm trying to wake you up.”

“...I can't remember what I was dreaming about…” the white haired female frowned. “All I can remember is…Red Spider Lily Cookie…”

“Red Spider Lily Cookie? Who's that?”

White Lily replied, “It's the real name of The Watcher. I'm not sure why I remember that.”

[Y] noticed a large purplish red bruise on the female's throat. He pointed out, “White Lily…Was that always there?”

“Huh? What is it?” White Lily tilted her head. The taller male grabbed a mirror from the shelf and showed it off to the female. White Lily gasped at the sight of the mark on her neck. It wasn't there before. So how is it there now?

“When I arrived here after hearing you choking and whimpering, I saw that mark on your neck.” [Y] pointed.

“...!”

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

Elder Faerie frowned while witnessing the white lilies slowly turning red. He gritted his teeth, feeling anxious about this cause these lilies symbolize death, plus these flowers belong to someone he wished he could forget.

“The lilies are turning into…” Silverbell trailed off as he kneel down before a red spider lily and reached his finger to touch it, “...red spider lilies…It hasn't been seen for thousands of years.”

“Have he awoken…?” Elder Faerie whispered to himself. “No…impossible. I don't sense him anywhere or nearby. There had to be something else.”

“Elder Faerie? What's going on?” [Y] asked before turning his attention to the lilies, “Oh? Were the lilies always like this?”

Elder Faerie frowned, “[Y] seems the same. Nothing changed, but why the red spider lilies here?”

“Red Spider Lily Cookie…” Everyone turned their attention on White Lily who just arrived after the wanderer. Elder Faerie raised his eyebrows, “What did you say?”

“Red Spider Lily Cookie. It's the real name of the lord of all eyes…” White Lily replied.

“...! How…do you know his name? How can you be so sure about that?” the elder faerie’s eyes widened.

“...” The white haired female grasped on her staff tightly, “...I’ve met him in my dream. I don't remember the conversation, but it all felt so…real. He choked me at the end, leaving a mark.”

“I try to heal it, but it doesn't seem to go away.” [Y] frowned as the female removed the bandages from her neck, revealing the purplish red bruise on her neck. Elder Faerie gasped, “...Impossible…”

“White Lily Cookie…! A-are you hurt?” Silverbell panicked.

“I…I'm fine. It doesn't hurt.”

“He's trying to escape, isn't he? To gain back his power and his body. Red Spider Lily is still fighting to escape.” The elder faerie thought. “Millennial Tree was able to communicate with the master who created Red Spider Lily Cookie. If I could let myself sleep, perhaps I can find a way to communicate with the creator and the lord.”

╭ ⁞ ❏. facts

┊ ⁞ ❏. red spider lily can communicate with other in their dreams and leave damage on their body once they wake up

┊ ⁞ ❏. a special guest will be coming soon

➤ chapter iii.

➤ chapter v.

[frederickkittens]

Exploring your style in 30 days

#fredericks30days

Ive wanted to make a lolita challenge for myself and others for a while so…. Im finally doing it! The point of this is just to showcase what makes your style unique and showcasing that to inspire others!

If you don’t have the energy to dress up for all 30 days just write a post about it or something :3!

1. What substyles of lolita do you wear?

2. What are your biggest dream dresses?

3. Are there fashions / aesthetics / styles outside lolita that influence your lolita style? If so what are they?

4. What is your typical color pallet / favorite colors?

5. Do you have any off brand / atypical lolita pieces that you use often in your coords?

6. Are there popular lolita things you tend to dislike for your own style?

7. What’s your favorite patterns in lolita? (Ie, polka dots, gingham, tartan)

8. How do you dress when you don’t wear Lolita?

9. What’s your favorite kind of cut / silhouette ?

10. What are your most used accessories / bags / shoes / filler items?

11. Where do you primarily shop?

12. Do you have a favorite type of accessory?

13. Do you think the era you got into or discovered Lolita influences your style?

14. Do you follow trends or focus on developing your personal style?

15. Did you try lots of different substyles and vibes before you found what was right for you?

16. Does hair and makeup have any focus in your coords?

17. How does accessibility / practicality affect how you’ve built your wardrobe?

18. Do you wear Lolita often or only to events / meets ?

19. Do you have a bedroom or house that reflects your style?

20. What are your favorite motifs?

21. What motifs do you wish there was more of?

22. Do you have any small details that will always influence you to buy a piece?

23. Is there a motif you love but don’t think fits in your wardrobe?

24. Do you have any atypical or strange favorite colors or color combos?

25. Do you do holiday coords?

26. What are your favorite brands?

27. What do you wish you’d known about lolita before you started it?

28. Do you have any favorite brand mascots?

29. Compare your favorite and least favorite coords you’ve done!

30. If you had to completely start your wardrobe over what would your first purchases be?

[wewillbeseen-butnotbeheard]

i no longer want to overthink it, more just… strive for “fox”, try to be unapologetically “that” as it comes to me.

and, i need to be more careful around transformation art. some of it feels acutely triggering to me (writing this while discovering that :)) ) it’s never, EVER fox stuff either. as far as i can tell. some other species strike more of a chord within me (almost feels like that, physically) but i just.. don’t know as much about those animals. i don’t know how they could imprint on my consciousness if ive never heard of them until last year.

actually, how does that work? how CAN that work? i’m not sure at all, and i’m actually asking by the way. there could be a “real” possibility of it, maybe, but i don’t know if that even can happen

in realism, i know what i would CHOOSE to be if given the chance, (it would be that, not fox) it hits me with pure fulfilment, maybe more so than fox.

actually, by my own behaviour, i can tell i probably do/HAVE FELT stronger over being some other thing over fox and that’s almost embarrassing for some reason

but i don’t feel like going that far yet! i see myself more in foxes (not sure how, exactly). i have enough on my plate already

though, typing this out is just going to make those species thoughts go around my head more. there isn’t much difference either way, i guess, it’s one of those things that i kind of hope to be true (though i have no way of knowing) so yeah

[velarisdusk]

Answer and then tag three or more creators to keep the game going!

Thank you @xxvalkyriesxx for the tag!! <3

1. How many words did you publish on AO3 in 2024?

this made me have to actually update my AO3 with all my fics lol so thank you for that. 168,286 🫣

2. How many fics did you complete this year?

47!!! lots of them were super short ones for kinktober but still very very proud of that wow

3. How many in progress or ongoing fics did you start this year?

3 >:)

4. What was your favorite thing you wrote?

im gonna give two because i cant choose and y'all just have to deal lol i LOVED Unveiled Pleasures, one of the Rhysand x Reader fics i wrote for kinktober. but ALSO i love the bat boys fic i just wrote, I slept with Someone in Wings of Illyria

5. What piece was your most experimental or different from your usual style?

Shadows at Twilight!! it's a nesta and azriel fic (not slash, just &, lol). it wasn't suuuper experimental i guess but still different from my usual stuff. it was the first fic i've ever written that wasn't slash, and i loved writing their big argument, i was really really fun :)

6. Did any fics surprise you - either while writing or their reception?

i wrote VWMT thinking it wasn't gonna be a huge deal, i posted it and didn't think about it for a while. and then the notes started coming in. and they still have not stopped 😭 i didn't like it a whole lot when i wrote it but so many people loved it and im so so grateful for that.

7. Do you have a fic you wrote and loved that went under the radar? (This is your sign to reblog/repost it!)

Held by a Whisper, a Tamlin x Reader angst fic. very short, very sweet, very sad. i love it with all my heart.

8. Who is an artist that inspired you?

i only recently started indulging bass player az, but it all started months ago when i saw this by elenana.art. last i saw, there were only 2 things in her au, but now there are more and i LOVE THEM AAAAA

9. Who is an author that inspired you?

there are a good few but most notably @azsazz, @rhysazriel, and @readychilledwine, they're all incredible authors :')

10. Who is a new author you discovered?

@highlordofkrypton !!!!!!! thank u for wildflowers it's what got me into tamsand i love them sm

11. Did you do any collaborations? How did it start?

No, none..... yet >:)

12. What accomplishments are you proudest of?

I FINISHED A SERIES!!!!!!! Breaking the Ice was originally gonna be just Ice Cold Jealousy, but a lot of people enjoyed it so i planned the whole thing out. usually once i plan a series i get sick of it and bored and i quit. BUT I FINISHED IT!!!!!!! and thats all thanks to you guys, if you all hadn't given me such wonderful feedback i definitely would've gotten sick of it haha

13. What did you learn about writing or creating this year?

i've had to learn to not get discouraged if something i really enjoyed writing doesnt do well. notes/hits/kudos/comments do not determine the quality of what's been written, i still have to remind myself of that. i've ALSO learned that i personally cannot write a whole fic and then post it once im done. i get burned out and discouraged and then i start to resent writing. it works for lots of peope and thats wonderful, just does not work for me :/

14. What is your advice?

get a beta reader omfg i swear it's like a lifehack its like youre CHEATING. i've been saved from so many embarrassing typos and repeated words

15. What are your creative goals for 2025?

man idk i just wanna keep writing. maybe i'll start and finish this az x reader series i thought of. i really think y'all will like it, i just wanna make sure ive got the foundations of it before i start posting lol

if you'd like to, @halo-hanging, @rhysazriel, @highlordofkrypton, @acoazlove @inkedinshadows @scorpioriesling <33 if not, no pressure, and happy new year!! <3 :)

[everettswritings]

I got a request....the fifth bulletin point on this: https://www.tumblr.com/everettswritings/731760992086818816/so-recently-ive-been-regressing-a-lot-more-and-i?source=share

I really wanna see it in action lol! Like how fast hollyberry can AND WILL adopt you....you can decide how she finds out. Curious if it will be like her discovering it by accident or y/n being like 'ok well I'm afraid I'm unable to hang out today because I'm gonna go into my little space at home alone to relax' or something else lol! Wonder what you'll think of lol!

Yes! Yes! And let me tell you: Hollyberry can sniff out a little with ease. For this story, it’s due to a little bit of social anxiety and impure regression. I know I don’t normally write about anything pertaining to impure regression, but I feel like it’s important to address that part of regression just like the more happy parts(especially because I myself have impure regressed a LOT). If you’re sensitive to this material, I understand if you sit this story out! (PS: don’t worry, there’s a happy ending) (PSS: I have anxiety and this is all written from my personal experience, so your experience might be different!)

The Hollyberry Kingdom was well known across EarthBread, whether for the fragrant berry juice or the joyous parties that reign for days, there’s something for everybody in the Hollyberry Kingdom! Well… maybe except for you. Crowds weren’t exactly your thing, nor were any of the juices the vendors offered, or even the noise of the bustling streets. Unfortunately, though, you had to brave it today since you were visiting family.

You wove through the crowds, feeling your chest tightening and your lungs struggling to breathe. It felt like you had already been wandering for hours, being forced to brush against countless strangers as you desperately searched for your relatives’ house, and that you couldn’t take it anymore. You’d been swallowing your feelings as much as you could, but they were growing more and more overwhelming! It felt like you were trapped in an endless whirlpool; no matter how much you thrashed against the currents of the water, the ending would stay the same- you would still plunge into the vortex and your would hit the rocky bottom soon after. The struggles of your lungs started to get worse as, especially as the vendors of the various stalls started to push their products into your sweating face, to which you’d politely decline as best as you could and run away. After so much running, the crushing realization that you were lost set in and your knees almost buckled immediately. And the thought of asking someone for directions was overwhelming, too.

Tears pricked at your eyes as you slid down to an unoccupied dock, immediately curling into a ball and sobbing breathlessly. The world turned even more topsy-turvy as you struggled to calm down, your sudden sense of littlespace not helping; in fact, it seemed that being in littlespace multiplied your emotions tenfold! You quietly whimpered and sniveled, helpless to do anything else. Unfortunately or fortunately for you, someone noticed you and she felt a pang in her heart for you. She went to sit next to you, while keeping a distance so that you wouldn’t freak out more.

“Little one…” She addressed you gently, you looked up to see Queen-mother Hollyberry Cookie herself, “what are those tears for? Are you alright?” She asked, the concern showing on her face. You could feel her warmth just from hearing her voice, she was like the perfect mama in a way. You shook your head at her question and she frowned “What’s the matter? I don’t believe I’ve seen you before… are you new here? Is the Grandberry Market a little too much for you?” She asked, you nodded, and she started to smile “I thought so, little one. Here, come to me when you’re ready…” She opened her arms welcomingly. You didn’t notice it, but you actually had started to calm down around her, it’s like the queen-mother’s presence already reassured you it was okay. Beginning to feel smaller, you finally climbed into her arms and she gave you the warmest hug you had ever experienced- even a blanket fresh from the dryer couldn’t compare! A smile bloomed on your face as you hugged her back.

She patted your back with a strong hand, but her touch was still gentle “You’re a real little one, aren’t you?” She chuckled “But that’s alright, I’ve plenty of experience with younglings. Hah!” She continued to pat your back as every bit of turmoil you felt earlier completely left. “Now, what brings you to the Hollyberry Kingdom, dear?” She inquired, still struggling to speak, you showed her the paper with your folks’ address on it. The Ancient Hero smiled as she inspected the paper, “Family, eh?” She let go of you and stood up “I know this kingdom like the back of my hand! I’ll take you where you need to be. Do you want to walk, or are you too little for that?”. You pondered it for a moment, then reached for her to pick you up again, she laughed boisterously and picked you back up: “No need to fret! I shall carry you, dear, and you won’t have to worry about a single thing so long as I’m here.”.

The two of you exchanged a smile, you felt so unbelievably safe by her side. The look in her eyes was knowing, as if she already knew that she’d be looking out for you from here on out. You were adopted that day. Congratulations!

Oh my god, I loved writing this. I’m sorry that requests are closed right now and that I’m so slow with getting the ones in my inbox, I’m having trouble with motivation again. But I do hope y’all enjoy whatever I do post! That’s all, have a good one 🫶

[gor3sigil]

hi i dont really know how to introduce myself, so i hope you dont mind if i skip that part.

i just wanted to ask about that post you made a few days ago. in one of the last paragraphs you mention how hatching is painful. but is it supposed to feel like my entire world is cracking apart around me?

what you mentioned in the beginning of the post, about how the people around you felt about masculinity, that very aptly describes a lot of my fears of reactions to me identifying as masculine, which is what started me crying and ultimately spurred me to message you.

im just so scared

i have lots of trans people in my life, i just dont know how to talk about this with most of them (see: Very Scary :C) ive spent my whole life using femininity to take down peoples walls and help them feel comfortable around me. what the hell am i supposed to do as man? can i even still behave that way? will people even still trust me? will they like me? will they feel safe around me? its unbearable. every time i think about it my brain tries to run away, there's just so much fear.

is this normal at all? to be scared like this? i mean, considering i too struggle with the radical feminist narrative you mentioned? i dont believe the narrative, but i fear it. and then i get insecure and i cant stop thinking the insecurity an indication that manhood is the wrong direction for me.

am i making any sense?

Hi, it must've taken lots of strength to write all this so congrats to you. My answer will be based on my own experiences so take it with a grains of salt. Yeah, your world will definitely shatter too. Because even if you're just socially transitionning, if you do so while being surrounded by trans friends, most of them will change the way they percieve you so your interactions may change. I know that's scary, but you have to trust the process. If they're good friends, they won't like you less or anything. That's the hardest part I think. As you read in my post, coming ot made me lose tons of friends, most of them trans, because they treated me badly after I came out.

And yes, you are making sense. I went through the exact same fears as you. The fear of not being deemed as safe anymore. Unfortunately, I don't really have any solutions to offer you, appart from building your own community, online and/or IRL. Like I said, most of my trans friends were kinda crappy about me being masc and I struggled for years to feel comfortable in my masculinity as a result. Because I did the same as you, me being a "woman" was my way of saying that I understood the struggles of others and was safe. Let me stress one thing. You are still okay, you're not a bad person. Even if you discover new things about yourself, even if you're transmasc, even if you're transitionning (if you do), you are still very much the same person as before, with your understanding of a number of issues, with your own pas experiences.

It's a point I really can't stress enough. As I said in my post, you are still worthy of love, support, tenderness, being understood, being heard, being listened to, being comforted. One thing I noticed is that my previous friend tended to dismiss my feelings and/or be "rough" with me thinking that it was "affirming" because I was a man now. Let me tell you that that's BS and don't let anyone treat you this way.

Maybe try to test the water, idk if you came out already or not but maybe in your presentation or just by talking about transmasc specific issues with them, see how they react. That being said, I really do hope that your friends will be understanding. Or that by explaining to them how their behavior is wrong they will understand and act differently, because sometimes people so shit cause they don't know any better. I hope this helps, and I really wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out again. Take care.

[lovebvni]

HI - i hope ur well

i just wanted to ask, as someone that’s recently discovered loa, how would you go about materialising a complete head to toe glo up, like yk in the movies how the girl changes overnight and everyone and their momma is like "woah omg who is that ????" yes.

i don’t necessarily have a lot of hatred towards my looks, i’ve had very bad skin (hyperpigmentation) on my face for a few years tho, definitely want that gone now that ik about the law and even my smile, those two things are what i’m most focused on? but otherwise i want like a "woah omg who’s that" moment esp now that i have school break

any words of advice, any suggestions, tips - i don’t want to feel like i’m waiting for this one, like it must materialised like TODAY like SOON

yes

thank u in advance btw

hii anon!! i’m sorry im kinda on and off here bc of some recent frustrations, but for manifesting complete change i would js have to say stick w it!! it’s gonna b hard sometimes, but always know u will get what u want.

for me, if i were to do this, i would 100000% start with writing down what in specific i want gone in some sort of journal. i know a lot of people say physical is better but u can do it wherever and how ever u want.

have that written down on one sheet of paper (or one section of the notes app) then on another section i would make some sort of check list and schedule

so i would list kinda like a check list, and i would plan it out almost like its a normal day.

wake up

brush teeth n wash face

affirm for *different eye colour* (or whatever) while getting dressed

look in the mirror before i leave and tell myself “oh i love x feature and im so glad i manifested it!!” (x obvs stands for what u want to b there)

go on with your normal day w school, work or whatever

random my decide to affirm when ur bored/not doing much (write it or js verbally/mentally affirm.)

on ur way to wherever u live, listen to a positive song, a sub, or frequencies and affirm to them.

do ur hw or whatever, anything u need to when u get home and pop some headphones in and listen to some more subs, frequencies or positive music

journal abt ur day!!! say if u felt anything odd? bc it could deffo b a sign of a change!!

(optional) do a dance!! get the positivity flowing <3 it helps me a lot !! or do anything creative, get in touch w ur spiritual side.

do ur night routine, shower, do whatever n js affirm — do it a bit more than u have earlier js to make it like more important so u can affirm in ur sleep.

when going to sleep, you can affirm urself to sleep, affirm and listen to a sub, or js decide u have what u want, go to sleep, and wake up with it

that’s like pretty much what i would do if i wanted to change my whole body. i dont follow these step by step personally, but i would 1000% recommend step 12 bc like ive sen the most results that way <3

i hope this helps anon!! i’m sorry this is so long and it took so long to reply 😭😭

[twistedastrology]

hi. yap to me. about your chart. and tell me what you think about other placements PLEASE!!

god bless u omg ok lemme break it down 4 u

why im built like that: a yapping session abt my own chart

ok so firts things first we gotta go thru my absolute pride and joy- this is the placement that when i discovered it in my baby astrologer era i was like Omg thats so cool what-

we got mars and saturn in my 1st house ur honor (unless in whole sign houses in which case saturn is in my 2nd 💔)

i always loved saturn as a planet before i got into astrology n then i came 2 love it even more and this bad boy in my 1st house is why i am so petrified of losing who i am!!!! and my mars i think just makes me very energetic and driven tbh amongst many other things

ofc these 2 are largely responsible for a lot in my chart but that's the basics of what they do-

SECOND THING'S SEOCNDN-

my other pride and joy, my mercury in gemini 💞💞💞💞

i love mercury SO much and despite it largely being the reason for my adhd, it absolutely dominates my chart (along with my outer planets) and is so powerful that it colors my sun more gemini than taurus (especially since i literally dont have any other earth placement except for my lilith in virgo- im all water/fire/air 🙏🙏)

in whole sign houses it would be also be in my 12th house which makes so much sense for me bc i will psychoanalyze Everyone to an ungodly degree because i love learning how people fundamentally work and how things influence them- this and my jupiter in scorpio + moon/neptune in my 8th house is the reason for my love of psychology-

THIRD THISNGS THIRD-

my outer planets 🥰🥰🥰🥰

i was born in the pre shadow period of uranus retrograde btw so while i strongly feel the effects of it being in pisces, i also feel the effects of if it was in my 8th house-

uranus and neptune are both direct in my chart and they're also in mutual reception so they have a LOOOOOT of power in my chart especially if u read my neptune post where i said neptune actually rules cancer (and the moon rules pisces) bc then neptune is given more power via my cancer rising-

my pluto is actually In retrograde so i often have to read pluto in 5th house stuff bc i feel it way more than pluto in 6th house stuff- and like i said in my jupiter post that got fucking obliterated by god for some reason, my pluto is actually conjunct Sagittarius A* (the galaxy's black hole) with only a difference of 51 minutes, and it's in mutual reception with my jupiter in scorpio so there's a lOT going on there 💔💔💔

that pluto tho and probably jupiter too tbh is why whenever im doing something creative whether it be editing or writing or one of the other 5 billion things i do, i usually feel like i turn into some sort of conduit for something WAY bigger than myself and all my cancer energy amplifies it and makes whatever i do also have a very cathartic property to it!!!

4TH THSINSGS FORUTH

since ive been super into astrology ive also looked at my mom's chart like 1 billion times and mine too and what i find fascinating is that she's a capricorn rising and i have saturn in my 1st house, and she has mars in cancer and venus in aries just like i do, but her mars is conjunct her descendant line just like mine is conjunct my ascendant line-

she's also saturn ruled as hell but she's an aries sun/mercury and u would THINK we would hate each other but no we literally have an unbreakable bond- i know the usual idea of like a capricorn mom vs a cancer child is Not Great but her and i make me wonder otherwise 😭😭😭

5YH THINGS FIFTH-

i have some extremely slay aspects ur honor- I like 2 think anyway-

my fav aspects i have are:

- mercury sextile saturn

- uranus trine ascendant

- sun conjunct mercury

and despite it being a hard aspect and a hard 10° orbit aspect,

- sun square neptune

even tho it's within 10° i still feel a Looot of influence from that one- i am a little delusional sometimes but my saturn in 1st does a good job of maintaining it and bringing me down to earth, but in my astrologer's handbook (my fav book 💔💔) it says, and i quote, "a well developed mercury and saturn will do much to offset the negative effects of this square" and i have both of those ur honor God bless holy shit id be off my FUCK without those 2 planets-

but then it continues and says "very often peculiar emotional desires and romantic tendencies are indicated, which can range from platonic love to the most morbid and debased physical type of sensuality." which THAT part i feel immensely- Nobody should ever look in my brain please 4 the love of god for ur sake n mine dont do it thwnk u-

But that's also probably bc i got the pluto influence right bc my neptune is in my 8th house- which btw im p sure pluto is exalted in Aquarius but i can get into that in another post probably-

6TH THSINGS SSIXTH

my uranus trine ascendant also loves to make me weird as fuck- i am a very peculiar individual and my mercury in an aries degree of Gemini also makes me yap Constantly bro i am the yapatron 5000- that (and my chiron in aquarius 💔) is why i have like a whole 1 friend that genuinely appreciates my yapping- him and my mom (my mom and i yap together tho HAHAHA)

my chiron in aquarius tho hit fucking Hard when i was a wee lad and still kinda does but im workin on it ur honor- i just never felt accepted and never Was accepted in friend groups and stuff and it was only until i started going with my north node in aries that i started actually being able to socialize and stuff- bc i legitimately thought "fuck it im just gonna be weird as fuck and whoever likes me for it will like me for Me and not some dumb shit-"

basically weeding out the losers fr-

7TH THINGSS SEVENETH-

btw i hope everytime anyone has read the 1ST THINGS 1ST or whatever they read it in the tone of believer by imagine dragons like that one tiktok audio of like "1st thing's 1st!!!! 2nd thing's 3rd!!! First seocnd third thing's third???" ANAYYWAY-

if u read my cancers n rage post too ull know where im comin from w/this but my cancer rising + mars in cancer gives me this unfathomable rage that legitimately makes my blood feel like it's physically boiling, my heart starts pounding and i get SO shaky- that's only when im super pissed But with the mars energy i literally have to get it out via moshing 2 korn DUDE HAHAHHAHAAH OMG THAT REMINDS ME-

speaking of!!!! i was strugglin real bad like a couple weeks ago now right and i put my earbuds in and listened to chi and to this D A Y. i cannot listen to that song without getting that ungodly rage dude it's diabolical But i literally lost my shit so hard that day i think had i been standing and not doubled over on the floor for my own safety, i woulda broken my knee again (another story i have 🥰🥰)

i did howveer almost fuck up my nose by slamming my face into the floor a little But we're good!!!!! i get very physical 💔 i have so many injuries ive given myself bc of that insane amount of energy i have i could make a list dude it's devious-

God bless u jonathan davis 😭😭😭😭💞💞💞

genuinely tho i aint ever heard more honest 2 god screams that spoke to me THAT much like god DAMN

ANYWAY im silly my bad guys-

8TH THSING'S 8TH-

i tHIK that's it- i could probably go into more detail abt specific things but this is like an overview SO 🙏🙏🙏

thank u for readig my yapping sesison UHHHHMMMMMMMMMMM 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

[cookiecomics]

📜 and/or 📖

also, i already said this, but i ADORE atott. seriously. ive been absolutely obsessed with like. unhinged akira and accomplice au/murder boyfriends since i got back into p5 when i discovered royal existed in 2022. so i was extremely, extremely delighted when i found your fic, especially since i love long fics, and your writing absolutely enchanted me, i was enraptured from the start.

also also, im pretty sure ive already said this as well, but it bears repeating: i love how it's felt, for a while now (at least, i felt it very clearly in act 2), that akira's in a rapid downward spiral and akechi is fighting an uphill battle, with their mental health. i dont know if i worded this right, but gods, i love the contrast :3 and excited to see how act 3 goes on, of course!!!!

AH THANK YOU !! AND STELLA USER NAME.

you're so right, Ren's slip-sliding down the moral slope horizon while Goro is trying to drag him and himself back up by the collar lmfao. ;3; thank you for giving my story a chance <3

📜 how did you get started on your WIPs?

I have the entirety of ATOTT planned out so i usually I draw from the main outline to then do a small, scene by scene chapter outline before I start writing and I absolutely cannot finish a chapter without this because I'll end up writing myself into a hole if I don't have any sense of direction. Outlines allow for things like ensuring I don't miss proper setup, payoffs or closing threads from last chapter!

Then I listen to music on my fic playlist for a bit and then I write!

📖 what has surprised you about your WIPs?

Honestly, I'm surprised, despite how much slower my work pace has been in comparison to my old WEEKLY schedule, like how the fuck-

anyways, I'm surprised I can still crank out chapters at a relatively fast pace despite each chapter being a solid 20k each. I'm also proud of myself because I can see I've improved alot! Even tho reading my old writing makes me want to leap into the sea ~ I'm proud of myself <3

[anomymoussoapbar]

hey, I saw one of your posts and your account and said you wanted to learn more about proship, right? (Sorry I can be a lil overthinker at times) I can explain my own causes if that can help you learn another perspective. THIS IS GONNA BE LONG SO PLEASE BE PATIENT.

First off, I am mostly a darkshipper! darkshippers ship the illegal stuff, like incest and you know all that. I am myself a darkshipper mostly. I ship things like "stalker x victim", "yand3re", "obsessive dynamics" and all that stuff similar. I DONT ship the illegal incest/ age gaps but Instead I prefer to go with the illegal toxic dynamics!

Now as to WHY I am a darkshipper and why I use this KIND OF FICTION to 'cope' comes from a past experience of mine. Not gonna go into detail, but I used to be very obsessive and have unhealthy attachments! They weren't good at all! I even had harmful intrusive thoughts because I would get jealous and live In a constant fantasy of "yandere wannabe" (Lol- I was 11 at that time ok💀) Which almost led me to end up harming others irl! (Hopefully I never did) and Now, I am out of that phase, I went to therapy for a while but then my mom got me outta there for idk why, which is why after i finished therapy, I wanted to manage my same intruisve thoughts and urges as much as i could! which is what led me to discover proshipping! (Or darkshipping specifically)

I project myself onto my dynamics and characters, so i can relieve myself when im feeling stressed or have a strong urge to go back to that horrible phase of my life and not care about anything else (to be short, i am impulsive. Also, ive also tried things like writing and drawing but they dont help as much)

Shipping these kind of fucked up dynamics GENIUNELY GENIUNELY helped me figure out the severity of it and gave me more control and the common sense to not do those things irl. Since I am now taking out the intrusive and impulsiveness outta me in fiction and not real life, I am not harming anyone! Nor do I truly wish to. My preteen years were f'ed up but I am better now and darkshipping has helped me through that. I don't condone abuse nor toxicity irl, and I NEVER WILL, since I am now aware of how grave the situations are if you take it out of fiction and put it in a real life setting.

The main reason for darkshipping is to relieve myself in fiction without worry I am harming others (because it's fiction) whlist knowing the severity of the ships if they were in in real life. As a proshipper (someone who's anti-harassment and supports problematic media, pairings, or are laid-back about it), most of us go by this saying: "ship and let ship". Also, we KNOW fiction AFFECTS reality, it can and it will, but not on a 1:1 scale (meaning it only affects reality when the shipper doesn't have the common sense to differentiate the two or if it's a kid, who's brain hasn't developed yet)

I WILL always keep my ships in fiction, and I am no longer feeling as impulsive as I did all those years ago, because darkshipping for some reason helped me figure out a way, which was projecting onto characters as well as exploring dark dynamics for fun!

Each Proshippers/darkshippers/comshipper's stories are a reason for who they are now. We don't go around and go committing those things we ship irl because it's very wrong to do so. As someone who almost attempted horrible things irl at such young age like 11, I myself now have the common sense and the control within myself now that I'm a little more grown up. Now i am older, I know have the care and healthy attachment to keep friendships and hang out with others, be more self-controlling and of course, more understanding of myself and others.

PLEASE PLEASE take care of yourself, if anything bothers you distance yourself from it, drink plenty of water and go for a walk or do your fav hobby, anything when you're feeling a little down ❤️ I'm GLAD I could talk to someone about this! So sorry if it was very long but I hoped this helped with your perspective. You're loved and you're very amazing, I love your account, and I'm willing to share more some other time. Bye👋

Hello :*)

Thank you so much for sharing your reasoning. I love how you found yourself a healthy way to vent out feelings and express them in ways that you can realize how realistically would be harmful. Interesting how darkshipping is actually quite common now that you defined it.

Killers/stalkers/kidnappers x victims are a common trope people love and the complexity of it is something I see everywhere. Even self proclaimed antis use these tropes as well. I never really thought about it until now LOL.

Also, thank you so much for the ask, you are very kind. I am sorry I took so long to get to you 🌸💕 and for the other askers as well. I will get to you all soon. I love you all and the support I have received in this blog.

Explanation for inactivity under cut

I have begun my studies again, and have focused SO much on them I have been neglecting my tumblr. Specifically this one. Trust me when I say this is NOT bait. I promise.

-Soapy

[elephant-in-the-pride-parade]

10, 13, 24 for the writer asks, please!

Thank you for the asks! im sorry it took a while to write a response to these!

From these asks

10. What is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

This is not hard to answer, but it is embarassing.

8 years and still going.

I started writing Age of Aquarius Part 2, the second in my "holy god i didnt anticipate how long this would be" post-canon series in.... 2016. it ran right into the Americorps and grad school years of my 20s, when i was working and studying so much that i wrote the least of any other time in my life. and then in that time I rediscovered Star Trek, discovered Trek fandom for the first time, and the sheer amount of engagement i found there really inspired so much fic that i had to follow that impulse. it has been amazing. i have gotten so so so much better as a writer thanks to the range of writing ideas ive been driven and challenged to attempt, and have found such a robust community too. Al that writing experience and experimentarion made the work i have been able to put in on Age of Aquarius (and Sailor Moon H) so so much better.

but Aquarius has languished for it. and my small but amazing community of Sailor Moon friends is the only reason ive kept writing it - for them, because theyve been with me so long through everything and I know how much they love it.

I entered the WIP Big Bang with Aquarius this year. im not sure if i will finish it in time for the end of the challenge but i know what happens in every chapter and slowly but surely im making progress. That is nice to feel 🥰

13. a fandom you’re thinking about writing for

I've never written for Star Trek Strange New Worlds or for RWBY. And I only wrote a little for Madam Secretary. All three have really compelling characters I'd love to sink my teeth into given the right time and the right idea. Especially RWBY if it never gets a new season, I have been yearning to see what happens in Vacuo and after the Wonderland arc and if the canon doesn't continue now that Rooster Teeth has folded, i would feel really motivated to try to imagine an ending for myself

24. how do you recharge when you’re not feeling creative?

Books and Video games. Both ways i can enjoy a story i didnt have to create myself. or doing something physical instead that lets the creative part of my brain rest. I'd also travel more if i could. it's a great way to find new things that inspire you!

[abimee]

was trying to write a post but it just wasnt coming out how i liked it or conveying what i was thinking about the jist of it was that i was thinking about how i used my art as my only tool in isolation to think about things that people tried to teach me was ''wrong'' like being trans or having acne but of which i never understood why it was ''wrong'' as a kid, so i ran off to my secluded corner to draw up what i was thinking about and how i really struggled wanting to show what i was seeing because there was no tutorial or online tips or refferences on how to do things, i didnt have any icons i was looking up to because they were isolated and hidden from me for the exact same reason, so for a long time my art felt like it was me trying to ''call out'' into the darkness to an idea i could just barely see on the horizon but couldnt get to through the murky depths of isolation and being told that art has to be a certain way and people need to look a certain way in it

to finally getting to a point where i seemingly managed to grasp that idea and shine a light onto it and have the depths disappear and everyones voices fade out until all i could see was the image clear in my head, and i was able to draw what i wanted because i finally ''understood it'' --- and this is about a lot of things in my art, like discovering i was trans or letting go of my fear of having self harm scars or acne scars or gaining weight, or even just random bullshit like having red cheeks or crooked teeth or weird looking knees. like i grew up rooted in so much self hatred and around people who were so mean and judgemental and i felt like i couldnt even fit myself into the little box of expectation placed before me and my friends that even when i ran away to my art i felt like i was trapped by the will of the world around me with nowhere to go and no way to communicate my sadness, because above all else i really do think all i wanted when i was younger was for people to be happy and to be happy myself, but i felt like i was being strangled by the thoughts and ideals of those around me to even the smallest degree, like a passing judgemental remark about someones self harm scars or crooked teeth

so now that i can draw that and communicate a positive love for people, that everyone is amazing and that nobody is ''wrong'', that love ive had since i was a kid for the world around me and everyone i met, it feels really good!! i cannot explain how much it means to me that people let me draw this way and respond psoitively to it and are moved by it because it feels like ive been locked in a box all my life not knowing what to do or what i was thinking about, and someone finally opened up the box and let me out and showed me what it all means. does that make sense? i feel like my art was a gateway to recognizing my own identity and who i am and to tell me that its not Wrong to be a certain way, that the people i was raised around were not telling the truth, that i wasnt a failure or doing something wrong when my teeth yellowed beyond my control or acne started showing up on my skin, that it wasnt wrong to have mobility aids or be suicidal or gain weight

like when i look back at my old art i see younger me who was struggling with a lot and just wanting to understand what it all meant, and as i grew up and put my art out there i was shown that the world wasnt a mean and cruel place, that it didnt have to be, and it really allowed me to open up and draw more. this post makes about as much sense as my draft but i just wanted to say all of this to say THANK YOU to everyone who has supported me because it really does mean more than you will ever know in so many ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if youve been here for a while you may have even seen how much happier i am now and how my art has developed as i got happier and its all because i know now that the world doesnt have to be cruel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you !!!!!! (^ old art i drew as a 15 year old as a thsank you)

[my-castles-crumbling]

Dancer anon advice

Hi all! Someone wrote me about some advice, I'm just copy and pasting it here so I can add a 'read more' line and format it a bit differently than usual so I can keep my thoughts in order!

Italics is their writing

Bold is mine

i noticed ppl were using this blog to ask about stuff, so here goes ig?

(also im sorry this was going to be me asking about gender stuff but now its just kinda my life story 😭 if you dont want to answer this, you can just write a post saying like. dancer anon i dont feel comfortable answering this or whatever)

Ahhhh, you all need to stop apologizing! I never mind helping!

im afab, and i feel like i never really fit in with gender? like, i would always be so jealous of my feminine friends but i didnt feel good when dressing feminine myself

i also take dance classes (i started at around 6/7) and i felt like i had to wear all the skirts and shit because i wanted to be pretty like the other dancers, and i felt really terrible after a few years of that, because i hated how i looked in them and how i looked when i danced

(i also used to have a dance teacher whos hands were always cold and thats all i can remember about him but i really hated dancing with him and would get relieved when classes were over. ive hated dancing with boys/men ever since)

and it got like. really bad. i believe? (my memory is actually terrible. i cant remember anything for the life of me, so it could be my mind overexaggerating, but anyways.)

i would always ask for me and my teacher to just do stretching because i hated how i looked when i danced because i hated the skirts and everything because i hate my legs and how they look when bare. i hated attending dance classes because people would see me and see my legs and see how i looked and i felt terrible all the time (i think i was around 9 or 10 at this age?)

so one day i had a whole crying fit and my dance teacher told me that i dont have to wear skirts or whatever, i can wear pants and shit (i was so fucking relieved. istg. i now wear skirts to dance only like. couple times a year maybe)

and then soon enough covid happened! (also keep in mind that i grew up like. really sheltered. i did not know what gay people/transgender people were until i read fanfiction about warrior cats ���)

and i was so delighted! because on distance learning, no one would see me and be able to judge me for how i dress or whatever

at around this time, my fear of everyone masculine really grew. its still there. im fucking terrified of all men. i cant help it. like every boy man masculine person. i get so scared. i hate it. i hate it so much

but then covid came to a halt, yk, school started again .-. i felt like shit, honestly. i didnt have ANY clothes i felt comfortable in. my hair felt too long and "feminine" and i wanted to cut it for the longest time. my clothes made me feel terrible. i hated how the leggings would wear on my legs and how my sweaters would show my body shape and how my butt looked (i still really hate how it looks. why is it big. i dont want it to be i hate it so much)

yeah so there i am, feeling dysphoric as shit (i did not know what that was, back then, by the way, but i believe thats what i was feeling)

didnt help that my only friend was a toxic, lying, manipulating bitch who led people on for fun and always expected everyone to worship at her feet

after a while, i discovered different labels! (bisexual was the first label i had for myself. i felt good with it, ig?)

and then i got to the gender situation. i used so many girl alligned terms because i was so scared of being percieved as the very thing i am terrified of (masculine ppl). i went through demigirl, girlflux, genderfae, genderfluid, i beleive, maybe somethign else too, because i wanted to stay connected to being a girl.

Okay so here, I want to ask, what's the reason to wanting to say connected with being a girl? Is it feeling like you are partially a girl? Not wanting to be connected to masculinity? Not wanting to let go of the 'girlhood' that you grew up with? None of these reasons are bad but I think thinking about this more might help you figure out your gender.

around this time i started doing leader steps for dance. the euphoria i felt. please.

ahhhhh wait! I do ballroom, too! I'm a follower, though. what's your favorite? I LOVE tango. Okay, sorry, I got distracted.

found out i was a lesbian, used nonbinary but with she/they pronouns and felt like shit whenever anyone called me she but didnt want to make a big deal about using they

ooo, okay here- asking for your correct pronouns isn't 'making a big deal.' it's asking for what you need and asking for respect.

found out i was aroace because "people actually find video game characters attractive?" 😭

thought i might feel better as a boy? cut my hair. i loved it so much (i still do) (that was may of last year) got baggy clothes. covered up my figure. did leader steps for dance.

over the summer i started using labels such as agender? which i feel like fits me?

anyway, thats the life story part, now for the part about what the fuck am i

i feel like shit whenever im called a girl or refered to with feminine terms. im not sure if it would classify as dysphoria or not, becuase i dont feel /that/ bad about it, but it still ruins my mood and kinda makes me want to cry.

okay so here's the thing. not 'feeling THAT bad' doesn't mean anything. Dysphoria is dysphoria. and this is dysphoria. Just because you're not throwing up in a corner doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid.

if my grandma calles me granddaughter, girl, whatever in russian, it automatically ruins my mood. makes me feel terrible. i hate it.

i dont feel as bad when my sister calls me her sister, though, for some reason.

Okay! So for me, I hate being called a lady, but I don't mind my wife calling me her wife. Again, this is all completely valid <3

when i get called by she/her i hate it so much. i dont want to make a big deal about asking for they/them - sometimes my friends remeber, sometimes they dont.

ive never tried he pronouns, dont think i want to.

they/them pronouns dont give me that much euphoria either, its just like. ok

Okay! Have you tried neopronouns? If you're not interesting in those, it could just be that they/them is what feels best. And that's okay, too!

another thing. my friend has another nonbinary friend. she always genders them correctly, but almost never me. it makes me feel like shit, like she cares more about getting their pronouns than mine, even though i know that thats not a good mindset and shit.

*loud buzzer sound* wrong. Your friend should be gendering everyone correctly, not just some people. Good friends care about making their friends feel comfortable, and this friend is making you uncomfortable. Would you feel comfortable talking to them about it?

also, heres some more on my fear of men because who doesnt love being scared out of their wits irrationally :D

my dance teacher had to leave to go back to where she lives, so they gave me a male teacher (i tend to only have female ones.)

i would be in tears every lesson. i felt like shit. (also i hate the sound of peoples voices and he would always be talking and i hate it so much because his voice, amongst others, is one of the ones that hurts my ears the most.) i even went to my mom to ask her for a change which helped ig? my new teacher is really nice and i love her so,,, yeah

Okay, I want to stop here to say- a lot of this has to do with gender, right? But this particular response seems to be rooted in trauma. Without prying too much, I am wondering if there is something that happened with a man or masculine-presenting person or people? You do NOT have to share with me, but this might be something to explore with a trusted person in your life. I mean, there is a chance it's gender-related, but in the most loving way, there seems to be something deeper going on here.

anyway, you dont have to answer this, i was going to just ask for help with labels and feeling like theres no correct label for me (i use agender now, for simplicity, because i dont feel connected to having a gender at all)

So I guess my question is, how do you feel about the agender label? When I looked up the definition, it seems to be defined as exactly what you described- someone not having a gender at all.

Also, remember that your gender identity and expression are two different things! You can identify as agender (or any of the other things you mentioned) and still choose to dress however feels most comfortable and use whatever pronouns feel most comfortable. There are no set rules except: do what feels most genuine and comfortable!

if you do want to answer this but dont want to use this large of an ask on your blog, just call me dancer anon, i will see and understand 👍

again, sorry for dumping all of this on you

ahhhhhhh don't be sorry, you are a wonderful human!

have a wonderful day

you, too! please message me if you want to talk more! <3

[yagamisdiary]

I have a love hate relationship with the fact that you enjoy making us suffer throughout the entirety of your books and making us think they will have a bad ending just to give us the best possible endings ever 🥲 ugh i love you so much youre my favorite author ever, while im here i apologize for the incoming paragraphs but i just need to say it:

1. Idk how you do it but the book covers you choose are always so perfect like?? Idk if im explaining myself but i feel like they capture the vibes of the books perfectly

2. Ok now this is kinda personal and i dont mean to sound like im venting, but have you ever read a fic that impacted you so much to the point where you find yourself still thinking about it to this day 😭 bc that's how i feel about both of ur books, they're so beautifully written and i'm always thinking about the characters or going back to read random parts of the books (edit: i had this paragraph written way before parasite was removed okay but i started rereading eldia yesterday because im truly heartbroken, devastated, downcast, miserable, dejected and inconsolable by the fact that its finished)

I discovered you in july-ish 2021 during parasite era but didnt actually read it until june 2022, i was devastated when i finished it but also had to cleanse my soul cause i accidentally burnt my self out during the last few chapters (i mean it in a good way lol, it was rlly hard to read the last 2 chapters 🙇‍♀️ they were written really well and i felt unsettled while reading the beginning of y/ns whole breakdown, i could feel the gloomy depressed vibe it had if you get what i mean), so anyway i moved on to Eldia. At that time, it was fairly new so there were only like 10 or 11 chapters, ive been keeping up with Eldia ever since and its truly bittersweet to see it end like i was literally full on sobbing for no reason 🥲 probably the sentiment of being a reader for 2 years idk lol. Anyway what im trying to say is that your books were one of the only things that helped me escape reality in 2022, i didnt really find joy in anything and hated my life, however ive definitely improved ever since, so im honestly rlly thankful for you Amara 💕

Edit: i just know it sounds stupid and youre probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but i've had this written out for like 5 months and was kinda scared to send it because i felt like it was corny, but with Eldia's resolution i felt encouraged seeing all these people tell you what they think :P so sorry for the long ass paragraph lmao, i just needed to say it because i know in 10 years ill be a grown ass woman and still thinking about these books, theyre attached to my brain forever (like a parasite, ironic)

Ok so i doubt ppl will read this (or that you'll even read all of it) so if you reached the end i must say that you actually ate with the baby names in Eldia 🤭 im saying it here to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone but Andromeda 😪 i remember in early july i sent you an anon ask saying that i pictured you as a girl mom and even listed a few names, i was gonna list Andromeda so its kinda funny to me 😭 and Elrose?? Andromeda is my fav name but Elrose grew on me and i actually rlly like it, idk why it just sounds and looks so satisfying OMG DAMN I JUST SCROLLED UP AND DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?? IM SO SORRY AMARA 😭😭 i definitely had way more to say but i feel bad now, it was gonna be an anonymous ask but atp i'll just let it be public

to conclude i must say that whenever someone asks me what my favorite books are, i hate that im not able to say "Oh my favorite books are parasite and eldia" because they're considered fanfics and not 'real books', i think thats really stupid, not only because fanfiction is just as valid as what ppl consider 'real books' but because there are so many fanfictions turned into real books or movies?? Ok im done (for now) but as you can tell im not really good at going straight to the point sorry for writing about 10 paragraphs love you queen vivan las escritoras latinas 🤞

1. honestly i find a pic that fits the vibe i want the book to give before i even write the story then i just somehow find a way to incorporate the cover

ex) eldia’s cover is jean with wine all over him, iykyk there’s an exact scene in eldia that references the cover

2. thank u so much 🥲 the ppl who have stuck around the longest always say the most sweet stuff bc yall really have been alongside me for so many years now and were like growing together which is kinda cool

3. i wanted a name that had ambrose and elijah both in it and it was either elrose or embrose but i ended up liking elrose more, embrose was too similar to ambrose

4. i don’t mind the length of the message at all! i love love love reading all the stuff i receive and the ones that are the longest stick with me the most. 🫶🏼