#ive discovered things about myself while writing this

[getonite]

hiiii! seen a couple of people do this, plus i realized i don't appreciate my mutuals as much as i should. and since the year is ending (literally today), i thought i'd appreciate y'all for a lil bit.

→ if the tagging irritated you, i apologize 🙏🏾. if i missed you, lmk, i was 100% half asleep while making this! (this is actually so embarrassing ngl. but i luv yall 🫶🏾)

(🎧 : avian) → @sensivs

starting off with my pookie with a beautiful (horny) brain. im dead fucking serious i have zero idea how we became mutuals (🧍🏾‍♂️). i just remembering talking to you one day, and the we were having full conversations in dms lmaoo. an emoji ring, helios, an unborn baby (??), and multiple fic ideas...now we're at the end of the year. i really appreciate you and all of your chaotic energy, it made me laugh! and all of your prompts are immaculate (🤌🏽). i await the days you post more fics or drabbles so i can support you the way you have me! :) luv u pooks, i def wanna ramble u more about hcs!

→ (i sound like im about to die omg)

(🎧 : snail/seraph) → @flimsyichigo

again, zero fucking idea when we became mutuals (i don't remember shit). we don't talk too often but i be seein you likeing my horrendously down bad and chaotic thoughts...i appreciate you bro (🙏🏾). i love your fluffy blue lock sruff, and your overall vibes are (yes, through the screen) amazing! thank you for dealing with my bullshit.

→ (as i type this, i realize just how many mutuals i have jeez, (half of which i barely talk to but still))

(🎧 : ame) → @pastelclovds

ameeeee, number 1 ive always loved your writing (iterally giggling and kicking my feet as i press the like button). your themes r so fucking gorgeous omg. we don't talk as often, but i love when we do interact. i hope we can more (im just easily embarrassed).

→ (i sound like a teenager leaving a love letter in a locker. omggggg)

(🎧 : ace ) → @acefantasyy

another person who puts up with my horrendously down bad bullshit takes. i applaude you for dealing with my ass lmaoo. but, on another note, i smile when i see you in my notes (no, i didn't originally mean that 2 b a joke). i really appreciate the reply you made when i went on a little break, thank you! i hope you continue to deal me, and i hope we interact more!

→ (i really gotta start talkin 2 yall more)

(🎧 : riri) → @pynkkgeto

we're friends irl. i don't have 2 say shit 4 u (luv uuu 🫶🏾)

(🎧 : rome) → @satocidal

yet another person who delt with my nonsense lol. you're quite busy, so you won't see this for a second. but thank you for being awesome and making me laugh with your naobito jokes. thank for the reply you left when i was the one going on break. hope all goes well for you!

(🎧 : idk ur name TvT) → @infrunamie

i feel so bad omg. but i wanted to appreciate your writing for a sec. whether its a drabble, headcanons, a fic, or just 100 words, your brain is miraculous when you write cuz it always leads to me wanted more. seriously, i love it. i was actually shocked you followed me, literally looked up to your writing ong (🙏🏾). i love it when you show up in my notes even if it's just a like. thank you for your reply when i went on break, trust, all of them got me through those shitty ass exams! ty!

→ (im sure this isn't what my therapist meant by being outgoing but im gunna do ts anyway)

(🎧 : spirit) → @spiritfrvr

literally the best vibes on earth i swear. your blog is like a fluffy hug omg. and (imo), you kinda bring that over to other blogs. i'd really like to talk to you more and ramble about random shit! :)

(🎧 : arlan) → @asuyaka

your drabbles r so cuuutee! i love them so much omg. especially the taking care of suguru one! i was surprised you liked my writing sm, and i love yours the same! i really appreciate the little reply under the break post and the christmas tree! seeing notifs of u makes me smile!

(🎧 : qi) → @yaekiss

i don't think we've been mutuals for too long, but omg we reeally should speak more!! i loved your message on the christmas tree! i love the vibe and look of your blog omg. i hope we can interact more!

(🎧 : juno) → @arlertdarling

hi junooo! ty for the message on my christmas tree, and i agree! we really should interact more! you seem like a realllly cool person, plus im on my fucking knees for your writing, dead serious. hope we can talk more, i hope you have a great 2024!

→ (srsly, y tf do i sound like im moving far away or smth TvT)

(🎧 : najma) → @honeybleed

ilysm ong. number one, we cousins (😔✊🏾; im joking pls help), number two, your theme was downright gorgeous (still is), number three, your writing it delicious. i haven't had too much time lately, buuut, i love how you post content that isn't completely smut (as a smut blog that fails at angst lol). its nice to get a break and see fluffy or angsty stuff in the tags instead of the same repeated material. you know you what you like and you stand firm in what you say (i need 2 b more like u fr), and your overall vibes are amazing! i love seeing your anime takes omg. i hope we can interact more in 2024!

→ (that kinda rhymed...and unrelated, but im listening to the mean girls soundtrack or 4 hours of sleep writing this)

(🎧 : yoru) → @dilfverz

number one, thank you for the messege on my christmas tree. number two, your so cool (😭). i love your themes and your writing, how you interact with ppl and anons is funny lol. literally look up to your writing ngl. i super appreciate your for explaining genshin impact to me, cuz im definitely not playing that damn game lol. your reblogs and likes in my notes make me wanna cry ngl. thank you for being so cool! (🙏🏾)

→ (am i over using emojis? i am so tired omg)

(🎧 : sy) → @wrizzesley

we just became mutuals like a week ago lmaoo. but i love your writing so much. and your themes?!?! (:O). i know damn well that shit is time consuming and exhausting, i applaud you, i could never lol. but anyway, i hope we can interact more in this new year. i think your really cool!

(🎧 : astro? idk im so sorry) → @astroknottt

i love your writing holy fuck. but other than that, i love it when you reblog my stuff! esp with those little comments, they've given me a bunch of motivation. and seeing you write such toe curling shit, that gives me motivation too! hope we can interact some more in the new year!

→ (pls ignore my silent pleas for help in these notes, but my vision is wonky. i promise im going to sleep in a second)

(🎧 : ) → @naee0

your probably locked out of tumblr again lol. but if you see this, thank you for your chaotic energy! and even if it was one sentence, what you sent on thr break post, i really appreciate it! even if you or me aren't on tumblr much, i hope we can interact a bit more! you're pretty cool! and i loved those drabbles. i hope your doing great!

PRODUCER MESSEGE: "i think that was all. again, if i missed you, please lmk. i might have been blind (my eyes prolly look like that squidward meme). but i appreciate all of you! thank you, and pls dont hate me 🙏🏾"

[orcelito]

Wild that anytime I post an update a lot of people read it and are even excited about it and have their own thoughts and reactions to it that I'll never know.

Comments are only the very tip of the iceberg with it. And I am Very grateful to commenters for letting me in on it. But in the same way that I'll be excited with my friends when a fic we love updates, it's likely that Other people enthuse with Their friends when my fic updates. And it's just so strange. An experience I'll never have access to.

Everyone's relationship with my fic is unique. So many different people with so many different circumstances and preferences... and the number of people that have told me that my fic is one of their favorites, some even saying it's their Favorite favorite... every single one of them have their own relationship with my writing.

It's just interesting to me. I think and think and think on my writing. I have my plans for basically the entire fic, the way I want it to end already thought out, all the major plot beats and the relationship progressions, All of that thought out. I love my writing so very much, but I'm on the inside looking out. This is my mechanical horse, and I'm in here laying out the groundwork and pulling levers and constructing limbs, puttering away making the horse move. Forever and always, my relationship with it will be more intimate than anyone's, and yet more clinical. Because I know it better than the back of my own hand, but I'll never have the experience of reading it fresh. Of reading it without knowing everything that's going to happen from now to the end and beyond. I won't have the thrill of the plot twists I have planned, the delight at seeing things progress, the horror at seeing things go wrong...

This is my mechanical horse, and I'm making it move.

I just always wonder what it must be like to see it from the outside. I hope to others that it's a pretty horse.

[frederickkittens]

Exploring your style in 30 days

#fredericks30days

Ive wanted to make a lolita challenge for myself and others for a while so…. Im finally doing it! The point of this is just to showcase what makes your style unique and showcasing that to inspire others!

If you don’t have the energy to dress up for all 30 days just write a post about it or something :3!

1. What substyles of lolita do you wear?

2. What are your biggest dream dresses?

3. Are there fashions / aesthetics / styles outside lolita that influence your lolita style? If so what are they?

4. What is your typical color pallet / favorite colors?

5. Do you have any off brand / atypical lolita pieces that you use often in your coords?

6. Are there popular lolita things you tend to dislike for your own style?

7. What’s your favorite patterns in lolita? (Ie, polka dots, gingham, tartan)

8. How do you dress when you don’t wear Lolita?

9. What’s your favorite kind of cut / silhouette ?

10. What are your most used accessories / bags / shoes / filler items?

11. Where do you primarily shop?

12. Do you have a favorite type of accessory?

13. Do you think the era you got into or discovered Lolita influences your style?

14. Do you follow trends or focus on developing your personal style?

15. Did you try lots of different substyles and vibes before you found what was right for you?

16. Does hair and makeup have any focus in your coords?

17. How does accessibility / practicality affect how you’ve built your wardrobe?

18. Do you wear Lolita often or only to events / meets ?

19. Do you have a bedroom or house that reflects your style?

20. What are your favorite motifs?

21. What motifs do you wish there was more of?

22. Do you have any small details that will always influence you to buy a piece?

23. Is there a motif you love but don’t think fits in your wardrobe?

24. Do you have any atypical or strange favorite colors or color combos?

25. Do you do holiday coords?

26. What are your favorite brands?

27. What do you wish you’d known about lolita before you started it?

28. Do you have any favorite brand mascots?

29. Compare your favorite and least favorite coords you’ve done!

30. If you had to completely start your wardrobe over what would your first purchases be?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for telling someone they're a horrible person and making them relapse?

trigger warning: self-harm, suicide(?)

so im, like many teenagers online, an avid participant of fandom spaces and my current favorite is genshin impact. if you've ever interacted with the genshin fandom you may guess where this is going but i happened to find myself liking a ship that is the big nono ship in this fandom (aka the incest ship, kaeluc) but since i mostly stick to my space and don't really interact with anyone that doesn't already have content of this ship on their account id never gotten into any hot water over it.. until recently.

this person, ill call them rick, suddenly liked a bunch of my (non-ship related) posts. normal interaction, i didn't think anything of if and moved on. (i didn't even notice at the time, but they unliked all of the posts before what happened next, i assume as they realized i was a proshipper and didn't want to associate with me.) next thing i know, the same user is in my askbox, sending me the most vile, hate filled messages i have ever seen.

ok... no biggie. i delete the asks, block them and move on with my life. but it doesn't stop. i had never in my whole life received hate online, but now for the first time ever, i had a dedicated hater, sending me anonymous asks at all times of the day. death threats, dox threats, telling me to kill myself, calling me a degenerate and all that, all with the same consistent writing style. now, one could say that maybe this wasn't rick, and maybe not even all the same person but i really feel like this is the only reasonable explanation considering i have like 6 followers and my most famous post has 3 notes. i don't think im important enough to have that many haters.

so, i did the only thing i could think to do: turned off anon asks. then the asks started coming from random throwaway accounts. ok...turned off asks. then it was dms. turned those off too. THE FUCKING COMMENT SECTIONS OF MY POSTS.

dedication isn't enough to describe this. at this point it's actually becoming distressing to me and im considering closing my whole account cause i just wanna get away from all this. im 16, i don't have the mental capacity to spend all day policing my social media because someone wants me to die for liking fictional incest.

so i very reluctantly unblock rick and send them a dm. i very gently ask if they are the person who has been sending me asks/dms/etc and if they are, if they could please stop because it's become genuinely distressing to me and i just want to be silly on a website. they block me.

alright, im now out of options. everything on my profile is blocked at this point and i don't even want to post anything else so i just kind of leave the account behind for a while. when i come back, i discover that someone HACKED into the account and defaced the whole thing (changed pfp, deleted posts etc etc) so now im genuinely bummed. i go to rick's profile and guess who has been unblocked? i ask them if they can please answer my question. they don't answer but instead tell me i deserve everything ive gotten and i should choke for all they care.

i tell them they're a terrible person and go absolutely off the rails like the dumb, upset teenager i am. i didn't say anything particularly horrible (mostly i just tell them about how awful they've made me feel over fictional shit that really doesn't matter and how i just wanted peace) but i definetely wouldn't like to receive a message like that. and rick didn't either, because they blocked me.

well, since im sure you're wondering where this comes in, here's where i kind of feel like an asshole:

i continued to stalk rick's account on a different blog (because i was bitter. ok?) and they've been posting about how they relapsed into self harm because of a message they received from a stranger and how they've been crying non-stop and this is the worst relapse they've had in years and etc etc and i just got this pit in my stomach. this person's bio says they're 15! i don't want to ever be the reason a fifteen year old is hurting themselves! i've been feeling like a piece of shit ever since (esp since i also deal with sh) and i just feel like the worse person ever. i honestly don't know if i was just acting like anyone else and this was an unfortunate consequence or if i need to go pray for god to forgive my sins or something.

aita?

What are these acronyms?

[everettswritings]

I got a request....the fifth bulletin point on this: https://www.tumblr.com/everettswritings/731760992086818816/so-recently-ive-been-regressing-a-lot-more-and-i?source=share

I really wanna see it in action lol! Like how fast hollyberry can AND WILL adopt you....you can decide how she finds out. Curious if it will be like her discovering it by accident or y/n being like 'ok well I'm afraid I'm unable to hang out today because I'm gonna go into my little space at home alone to relax' or something else lol! Wonder what you'll think of lol!

Yes! Yes! And let me tell you: Hollyberry can sniff out a little with ease. For this story, it’s due to a little bit of social anxiety and impure regression. I know I don’t normally write about anything pertaining to impure regression, but I feel like it’s important to address that part of regression just like the more happy parts(especially because I myself have impure regressed a LOT). If you’re sensitive to this material, I understand if you sit this story out! (PS: don’t worry, there’s a happy ending) (PSS: I have anxiety and this is all written from my personal experience, so your experience might be different!)

The Hollyberry Kingdom was well known across EarthBread, whether for the fragrant berry juice or the joyous parties that reign for days, there’s something for everybody in the Hollyberry Kingdom! Well… maybe except for you. Crowds weren’t exactly your thing, nor were any of the juices the vendors offered, or even the noise of the bustling streets. Unfortunately, though, you had to brave it today since you were visiting family.

You wove through the crowds, feeling your chest tightening and your lungs struggling to breathe. It felt like you had already been wandering for hours, being forced to brush against countless strangers as you desperately searched for your relatives’ house, and that you couldn’t take it anymore. You’d been swallowing your feelings as much as you could, but they were growing more and more overwhelming! It felt like you were trapped in an endless whirlpool; no matter how much you thrashed against the currents of the water, the ending would stay the same- you would still plunge into the vortex and your would hit the rocky bottom soon after. The struggles of your lungs started to get worse as, especially as the vendors of the various stalls started to push their products into your sweating face, to which you’d politely decline as best as you could and run away. After so much running, the crushing realization that you were lost set in and your knees almost buckled immediately. And the thought of asking someone for directions was overwhelming, too.

Tears pricked at your eyes as you slid down to an unoccupied dock, immediately curling into a ball and sobbing breathlessly. The world turned even more topsy-turvy as you struggled to calm down, your sudden sense of littlespace not helping; in fact, it seemed that being in littlespace multiplied your emotions tenfold! You quietly whimpered and sniveled, helpless to do anything else. Unfortunately or fortunately for you, someone noticed you and she felt a pang in her heart for you. She went to sit next to you, while keeping a distance so that you wouldn’t freak out more.

“Little one…” She addressed you gently, you looked up to see Queen-mother Hollyberry Cookie herself, “what are those tears for? Are you alright?” She asked, the concern showing on her face. You could feel her warmth just from hearing her voice, she was like the perfect mama in a way. You shook your head at her question and she frowned “What’s the matter? I don’t believe I’ve seen you before… are you new here? Is the Grandberry Market a little too much for you?” She asked, you nodded, and she started to smile “I thought so, little one. Here, come to me when you’re ready…” She opened her arms welcomingly. You didn’t notice it, but you actually had started to calm down around her, it’s like the queen-mother’s presence already reassured you it was okay. Beginning to feel smaller, you finally climbed into her arms and she gave you the warmest hug you had ever experienced- even a blanket fresh from the dryer couldn’t compare! A smile bloomed on your face as you hugged her back.

She patted your back with a strong hand, but her touch was still gentle “You’re a real little one, aren’t you?” She chuckled “But that’s alright, I’ve plenty of experience with younglings. Hah!” She continued to pat your back as every bit of turmoil you felt earlier completely left. “Now, what brings you to the Hollyberry Kingdom, dear?” She inquired, still struggling to speak, you showed her the paper with your folks’ address on it. The Ancient Hero smiled as she inspected the paper, “Family, eh?” She let go of you and stood up “I know this kingdom like the back of my hand! I’ll take you where you need to be. Do you want to walk, or are you too little for that?”. You pondered it for a moment, then reached for her to pick you up again, she laughed boisterously and picked you back up: “No need to fret! I shall carry you, dear, and you won’t have to worry about a single thing so long as I’m here.”.

The two of you exchanged a smile, you felt so unbelievably safe by her side. The look in her eyes was knowing, as if she already knew that she’d be looking out for you from here on out. You were adopted that day. Congratulations!

Oh my god, I loved writing this. I’m sorry that requests are closed right now and that I’m so slow with getting the ones in my inbox, I’m having trouble with motivation again. But I do hope y’all enjoy whatever I do post! That’s all, have a good one 🫶

[gor3sigil]

hi i dont really know how to introduce myself, so i hope you dont mind if i skip that part.

i just wanted to ask about that post you made a few days ago. in one of the last paragraphs you mention how hatching is painful. but is it supposed to feel like my entire world is cracking apart around me?

what you mentioned in the beginning of the post, about how the people around you felt about masculinity, that very aptly describes a lot of my fears of reactions to me identifying as masculine, which is what started me crying and ultimately spurred me to message you.

im just so scared

i have lots of trans people in my life, i just dont know how to talk about this with most of them (see: Very Scary :C) ive spent my whole life using femininity to take down peoples walls and help them feel comfortable around me. what the hell am i supposed to do as man? can i even still behave that way? will people even still trust me? will they like me? will they feel safe around me? its unbearable. every time i think about it my brain tries to run away, there's just so much fear.

is this normal at all? to be scared like this? i mean, considering i too struggle with the radical feminist narrative you mentioned? i dont believe the narrative, but i fear it. and then i get insecure and i cant stop thinking the insecurity an indication that manhood is the wrong direction for me.

am i making any sense?

Hi, it must've taken lots of strength to write all this so congrats to you. My answer will be based on my own experiences so take it with a grains of salt. Yeah, your world will definitely shatter too. Because even if you're just socially transitionning, if you do so while being surrounded by trans friends, most of them will change the way they percieve you so your interactions may change. I know that's scary, but you have to trust the process. If they're good friends, they won't like you less or anything. That's the hardest part I think. As you read in my post, coming ot made me lose tons of friends, most of them trans, because they treated me badly after I came out.

And yes, you are making sense. I went through the exact same fears as you. The fear of not being deemed as safe anymore. Unfortunately, I don't really have any solutions to offer you, appart from building your own community, online and/or IRL. Like I said, most of my trans friends were kinda crappy about me being masc and I struggled for years to feel comfortable in my masculinity as a result. Because I did the same as you, me being a "woman" was my way of saying that I understood the struggles of others and was safe. Let me stress one thing. You are still okay, you're not a bad person. Even if you discover new things about yourself, even if you're transmasc, even if you're transitionning (if you do), you are still very much the same person as before, with your understanding of a number of issues, with your own pas experiences.

It's a point I really can't stress enough. As I said in my post, you are still worthy of love, support, tenderness, being understood, being heard, being listened to, being comforted. One thing I noticed is that my previous friend tended to dismiss my feelings and/or be "rough" with me thinking that it was "affirming" because I was a man now. Let me tell you that that's BS and don't let anyone treat you this way.

Maybe try to test the water, idk if you came out already or not but maybe in your presentation or just by talking about transmasc specific issues with them, see how they react. That being said, I really do hope that your friends will be understanding. Or that by explaining to them how their behavior is wrong they will understand and act differently, because sometimes people so shit cause they don't know any better. I hope this helps, and I really wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out again. Take care.

[lovebvni]

HI - i hope ur well

i just wanted to ask, as someone that’s recently discovered loa, how would you go about materialising a complete head to toe glo up, like yk in the movies how the girl changes overnight and everyone and their momma is like "woah omg who is that ????" yes.

i don’t necessarily have a lot of hatred towards my looks, i’ve had very bad skin (hyperpigmentation) on my face for a few years tho, definitely want that gone now that ik about the law and even my smile, those two things are what i’m most focused on? but otherwise i want like a "woah omg who’s that" moment esp now that i have school break

any words of advice, any suggestions, tips - i don’t want to feel like i’m waiting for this one, like it must materialised like TODAY like SOON

yes

thank u in advance btw

hii anon!! i’m sorry im kinda on and off here bc of some recent frustrations, but for manifesting complete change i would js have to say stick w it!! it’s gonna b hard sometimes, but always know u will get what u want.

for me, if i were to do this, i would 100000% start with writing down what in specific i want gone in some sort of journal. i know a lot of people say physical is better but u can do it wherever and how ever u want.

have that written down on one sheet of paper (or one section of the notes app) then on another section i would make some sort of check list and schedule

so i would list kinda like a check list, and i would plan it out almost like its a normal day.

wake up

brush teeth n wash face

affirm for *different eye colour* (or whatever) while getting dressed

look in the mirror before i leave and tell myself “oh i love x feature and im so glad i manifested it!!” (x obvs stands for what u want to b there)

go on with your normal day w school, work or whatever

random my decide to affirm when ur bored/not doing much (write it or js verbally/mentally affirm.)

on ur way to wherever u live, listen to a positive song, a sub, or frequencies and affirm to them.

do ur hw or whatever, anything u need to when u get home and pop some headphones in and listen to some more subs, frequencies or positive music

journal abt ur day!!! say if u felt anything odd? bc it could deffo b a sign of a change!!

(optional) do a dance!! get the positivity flowing <3 it helps me a lot !! or do anything creative, get in touch w ur spiritual side.

do ur night routine, shower, do whatever n js affirm — do it a bit more than u have earlier js to make it like more important so u can affirm in ur sleep.

when going to sleep, you can affirm urself to sleep, affirm and listen to a sub, or js decide u have what u want, go to sleep, and wake up with it

that’s like pretty much what i would do if i wanted to change my whole body. i dont follow these step by step personally, but i would 1000% recommend step 12 bc like ive sen the most results that way <3

i hope this helps anon!! i’m sorry this is so long and it took so long to reply 😭😭

[twistedastrology]

hi. yap to me. about your chart. and tell me what you think about other placements PLEASE!!

god bless u omg ok lemme break it down 4 u

why im built like that: a yapping session abt my own chart

ok so firts things first we gotta go thru my absolute pride and joy- this is the placement that when i discovered it in my baby astrologer era i was like Omg thats so cool what-

we got mars and saturn in my 1st house ur honor (unless in whole sign houses in which case saturn is in my 2nd 💔)

i always loved saturn as a planet before i got into astrology n then i came 2 love it even more and this bad boy in my 1st house is why i am so petrified of losing who i am!!!! and my mars i think just makes me very energetic and driven tbh amongst many other things

ofc these 2 are largely responsible for a lot in my chart but that's the basics of what they do-

SECOND THING'S SEOCNDN-

my other pride and joy, my mercury in gemini 💞💞💞💞

i love mercury SO much and despite it largely being the reason for my adhd, it absolutely dominates my chart (along with my outer planets) and is so powerful that it colors my sun more gemini than taurus (especially since i literally dont have any other earth placement except for my lilith in virgo- im all water/fire/air 🙏🙏)

in whole sign houses it would be also be in my 12th house which makes so much sense for me bc i will psychoanalyze Everyone to an ungodly degree because i love learning how people fundamentally work and how things influence them- this and my jupiter in scorpio + moon/neptune in my 8th house is the reason for my love of psychology-

THIRD THISNGS THIRD-

my outer planets 🥰🥰🥰🥰

i was born in the pre shadow period of uranus retrograde btw so while i strongly feel the effects of it being in pisces, i also feel the effects of if it was in my 8th house-

uranus and neptune are both direct in my chart and they're also in mutual reception so they have a LOOOOOT of power in my chart especially if u read my neptune post where i said neptune actually rules cancer (and the moon rules pisces) bc then neptune is given more power via my cancer rising-

my pluto is actually In retrograde so i often have to read pluto in 5th house stuff bc i feel it way more than pluto in 6th house stuff- and like i said in my jupiter post that got fucking obliterated by god for some reason, my pluto is actually conjunct Sagittarius A* (the galaxy's black hole) with only a difference of 51 minutes, and it's in mutual reception with my jupiter in scorpio so there's a lOT going on there 💔💔💔

that pluto tho and probably jupiter too tbh is why whenever im doing something creative whether it be editing or writing or one of the other 5 billion things i do, i usually feel like i turn into some sort of conduit for something WAY bigger than myself and all my cancer energy amplifies it and makes whatever i do also have a very cathartic property to it!!!

4TH THSINSGS FORUTH

since ive been super into astrology ive also looked at my mom's chart like 1 billion times and mine too and what i find fascinating is that she's a capricorn rising and i have saturn in my 1st house, and she has mars in cancer and venus in aries just like i do, but her mars is conjunct her descendant line just like mine is conjunct my ascendant line-

she's also saturn ruled as hell but she's an aries sun/mercury and u would THINK we would hate each other but no we literally have an unbreakable bond- i know the usual idea of like a capricorn mom vs a cancer child is Not Great but her and i make me wonder otherwise 😭😭😭

5YH THINGS FIFTH-

i have some extremely slay aspects ur honor- I like 2 think anyway-

my fav aspects i have are:

- mercury sextile saturn

- uranus trine ascendant

- sun conjunct mercury

and despite it being a hard aspect and a hard 10° orbit aspect,

- sun square neptune

even tho it's within 10° i still feel a Looot of influence from that one- i am a little delusional sometimes but my saturn in 1st does a good job of maintaining it and bringing me down to earth, but in my astrologer's handbook (my fav book 💔💔) it says, and i quote, "a well developed mercury and saturn will do much to offset the negative effects of this square" and i have both of those ur honor God bless holy shit id be off my FUCK without those 2 planets-

but then it continues and says "very often peculiar emotional desires and romantic tendencies are indicated, which can range from platonic love to the most morbid and debased physical type of sensuality." which THAT part i feel immensely- Nobody should ever look in my brain please 4 the love of god for ur sake n mine dont do it thwnk u-

But that's also probably bc i got the pluto influence right bc my neptune is in my 8th house- which btw im p sure pluto is exalted in Aquarius but i can get into that in another post probably-

6TH THSINGS SSIXTH

my uranus trine ascendant also loves to make me weird as fuck- i am a very peculiar individual and my mercury in an aries degree of Gemini also makes me yap Constantly bro i am the yapatron 5000- that (and my chiron in aquarius 💔) is why i have like a whole 1 friend that genuinely appreciates my yapping- him and my mom (my mom and i yap together tho HAHAHA)

my chiron in aquarius tho hit fucking Hard when i was a wee lad and still kinda does but im workin on it ur honor- i just never felt accepted and never Was accepted in friend groups and stuff and it was only until i started going with my north node in aries that i started actually being able to socialize and stuff- bc i legitimately thought "fuck it im just gonna be weird as fuck and whoever likes me for it will like me for Me and not some dumb shit-"

basically weeding out the losers fr-

7TH THINGSS SEVENETH-

btw i hope everytime anyone has read the 1ST THINGS 1ST or whatever they read it in the tone of believer by imagine dragons like that one tiktok audio of like "1st thing's 1st!!!! 2nd thing's 3rd!!! First seocnd third thing's third???" ANAYYWAY-

if u read my cancers n rage post too ull know where im comin from w/this but my cancer rising + mars in cancer gives me this unfathomable rage that legitimately makes my blood feel like it's physically boiling, my heart starts pounding and i get SO shaky- that's only when im super pissed But with the mars energy i literally have to get it out via moshing 2 korn DUDE HAHAHHAHAAH OMG THAT REMINDS ME-

speaking of!!!! i was strugglin real bad like a couple weeks ago now right and i put my earbuds in and listened to chi and to this D A Y. i cannot listen to that song without getting that ungodly rage dude it's diabolical But i literally lost my shit so hard that day i think had i been standing and not doubled over on the floor for my own safety, i woulda broken my knee again (another story i have 🥰🥰)

i did howveer almost fuck up my nose by slamming my face into the floor a little But we're good!!!!! i get very physical 💔 i have so many injuries ive given myself bc of that insane amount of energy i have i could make a list dude it's devious-

God bless u jonathan davis 😭😭😭😭💞💞💞

genuinely tho i aint ever heard more honest 2 god screams that spoke to me THAT much like god DAMN

ANYWAY im silly my bad guys-

8TH THSING'S 8TH-

i tHIK that's it- i could probably go into more detail abt specific things but this is like an overview SO 🙏🙏🙏

thank u for readig my yapping sesison UHHHHMMMMMMMMMMM 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

[cookiecomics]

📜 and/or 📖

also, i already said this, but i ADORE atott. seriously. ive been absolutely obsessed with like. unhinged akira and accomplice au/murder boyfriends since i got back into p5 when i discovered royal existed in 2022. so i was extremely, extremely delighted when i found your fic, especially since i love long fics, and your writing absolutely enchanted me, i was enraptured from the start.

also also, im pretty sure ive already said this as well, but it bears repeating: i love how it's felt, for a while now (at least, i felt it very clearly in act 2), that akira's in a rapid downward spiral and akechi is fighting an uphill battle, with their mental health. i dont know if i worded this right, but gods, i love the contrast :3 and excited to see how act 3 goes on, of course!!!!

AH THANK YOU !! AND STELLA USER NAME.

you're so right, Ren's slip-sliding down the moral slope horizon while Goro is trying to drag him and himself back up by the collar lmfao. ;3; thank you for giving my story a chance <3

📜 how did you get started on your WIPs?

I have the entirety of ATOTT planned out so i usually I draw from the main outline to then do a small, scene by scene chapter outline before I start writing and I absolutely cannot finish a chapter without this because I'll end up writing myself into a hole if I don't have any sense of direction. Outlines allow for things like ensuring I don't miss proper setup, payoffs or closing threads from last chapter!

Then I listen to music on my fic playlist for a bit and then I write!

📖 what has surprised you about your WIPs?

Honestly, I'm surprised, despite how much slower my work pace has been in comparison to my old WEEKLY schedule, like how the fuck-

anyways, I'm surprised I can still crank out chapters at a relatively fast pace despite each chapter being a solid 20k each. I'm also proud of myself because I can see I've improved alot! Even tho reading my old writing makes me want to leap into the sea ~ I'm proud of myself <3

[anomymoussoapbar]

hey, I saw one of your posts and your account and said you wanted to learn more about proship, right? (Sorry I can be a lil overthinker at times) I can explain my own causes if that can help you learn another perspective. THIS IS GONNA BE LONG SO PLEASE BE PATIENT.

First off, I am mostly a darkshipper! darkshippers ship the illegal stuff, like incest and you know all that. I am myself a darkshipper mostly. I ship things like "stalker x victim", "yand3re", "obsessive dynamics" and all that stuff similar. I DONT ship the illegal incest/ age gaps but Instead I prefer to go with the illegal toxic dynamics!

Now as to WHY I am a darkshipper and why I use this KIND OF FICTION to 'cope' comes from a past experience of mine. Not gonna go into detail, but I used to be very obsessive and have unhealthy attachments! They weren't good at all! I even had harmful intrusive thoughts because I would get jealous and live In a constant fantasy of "yandere wannabe" (Lol- I was 11 at that time ok💀) Which almost led me to end up harming others irl! (Hopefully I never did) and Now, I am out of that phase, I went to therapy for a while but then my mom got me outta there for idk why, which is why after i finished therapy, I wanted to manage my same intruisve thoughts and urges as much as i could! which is what led me to discover proshipping! (Or darkshipping specifically)

I project myself onto my dynamics and characters, so i can relieve myself when im feeling stressed or have a strong urge to go back to that horrible phase of my life and not care about anything else (to be short, i am impulsive. Also, ive also tried things like writing and drawing but they dont help as much)

Shipping these kind of fucked up dynamics GENIUNELY GENIUNELY helped me figure out the severity of it and gave me more control and the common sense to not do those things irl. Since I am now taking out the intrusive and impulsiveness outta me in fiction and not real life, I am not harming anyone! Nor do I truly wish to. My preteen years were f'ed up but I am better now and darkshipping has helped me through that. I don't condone abuse nor toxicity irl, and I NEVER WILL, since I am now aware of how grave the situations are if you take it out of fiction and put it in a real life setting.

The main reason for darkshipping is to relieve myself in fiction without worry I am harming others (because it's fiction) whlist knowing the severity of the ships if they were in in real life. As a proshipper (someone who's anti-harassment and supports problematic media, pairings, or are laid-back about it), most of us go by this saying: "ship and let ship". Also, we KNOW fiction AFFECTS reality, it can and it will, but not on a 1:1 scale (meaning it only affects reality when the shipper doesn't have the common sense to differentiate the two or if it's a kid, who's brain hasn't developed yet)

I WILL always keep my ships in fiction, and I am no longer feeling as impulsive as I did all those years ago, because darkshipping for some reason helped me figure out a way, which was projecting onto characters as well as exploring dark dynamics for fun!

Each Proshippers/darkshippers/comshipper's stories are a reason for who they are now. We don't go around and go committing those things we ship irl because it's very wrong to do so. As someone who almost attempted horrible things irl at such young age like 11, I myself now have the common sense and the control within myself now that I'm a little more grown up. Now i am older, I know have the care and healthy attachment to keep friendships and hang out with others, be more self-controlling and of course, more understanding of myself and others.

PLEASE PLEASE take care of yourself, if anything bothers you distance yourself from it, drink plenty of water and go for a walk or do your fav hobby, anything when you're feeling a little down ❤️ I'm GLAD I could talk to someone about this! So sorry if it was very long but I hoped this helped with your perspective. You're loved and you're very amazing, I love your account, and I'm willing to share more some other time. Bye👋

Hello :*)

Thank you so much for sharing your reasoning. I love how you found yourself a healthy way to vent out feelings and express them in ways that you can realize how realistically would be harmful. Interesting how darkshipping is actually quite common now that you defined it.

Killers/stalkers/kidnappers x victims are a common trope people love and the complexity of it is something I see everywhere. Even self proclaimed antis use these tropes as well. I never really thought about it until now LOL.

Also, thank you so much for the ask, you are very kind. I am sorry I took so long to get to you 🌸💕 and for the other askers as well. I will get to you all soon. I love you all and the support I have received in this blog.

Explanation for inactivity under cut

I have begun my studies again, and have focused SO much on them I have been neglecting my tumblr. Specifically this one. Trust me when I say this is NOT bait. I promise.

-Soapy

[elephant-in-the-pride-parade]

10, 13, 24 for the writer asks, please!

Thank you for the asks! im sorry it took a while to write a response to these!

From these asks

10. What is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

This is not hard to answer, but it is embarassing.

8 years and still going.

I started writing Age of Aquarius Part 2, the second in my "holy god i didnt anticipate how long this would be" post-canon series in.... 2016. it ran right into the Americorps and grad school years of my 20s, when i was working and studying so much that i wrote the least of any other time in my life. and then in that time I rediscovered Star Trek, discovered Trek fandom for the first time, and the sheer amount of engagement i found there really inspired so much fic that i had to follow that impulse. it has been amazing. i have gotten so so so much better as a writer thanks to the range of writing ideas ive been driven and challenged to attempt, and have found such a robust community too. Al that writing experience and experimentarion made the work i have been able to put in on Age of Aquarius (and Sailor Moon H) so so much better.

but Aquarius has languished for it. and my small but amazing community of Sailor Moon friends is the only reason ive kept writing it - for them, because theyve been with me so long through everything and I know how much they love it.

I entered the WIP Big Bang with Aquarius this year. im not sure if i will finish it in time for the end of the challenge but i know what happens in every chapter and slowly but surely im making progress. That is nice to feel 🥰

13. a fandom you’re thinking about writing for

I've never written for Star Trek Strange New Worlds or for RWBY. And I only wrote a little for Madam Secretary. All three have really compelling characters I'd love to sink my teeth into given the right time and the right idea. Especially RWBY if it never gets a new season, I have been yearning to see what happens in Vacuo and after the Wonderland arc and if the canon doesn't continue now that Rooster Teeth has folded, i would feel really motivated to try to imagine an ending for myself

24. how do you recharge when you’re not feeling creative?

Books and Video games. Both ways i can enjoy a story i didnt have to create myself. or doing something physical instead that lets the creative part of my brain rest. I'd also travel more if i could. it's a great way to find new things that inspire you!

[abimee]

was trying to write a post but it just wasnt coming out how i liked it or conveying what i was thinking about the jist of it was that i was thinking about how i used my art as my only tool in isolation to think about things that people tried to teach me was ''wrong'' like being trans or having acne but of which i never understood why it was ''wrong'' as a kid, so i ran off to my secluded corner to draw up what i was thinking about and how i really struggled wanting to show what i was seeing because there was no tutorial or online tips or refferences on how to do things, i didnt have any icons i was looking up to because they were isolated and hidden from me for the exact same reason, so for a long time my art felt like it was me trying to ''call out'' into the darkness to an idea i could just barely see on the horizon but couldnt get to through the murky depths of isolation and being told that art has to be a certain way and people need to look a certain way in it

to finally getting to a point where i seemingly managed to grasp that idea and shine a light onto it and have the depths disappear and everyones voices fade out until all i could see was the image clear in my head, and i was able to draw what i wanted because i finally ''understood it'' --- and this is about a lot of things in my art, like discovering i was trans or letting go of my fear of having self harm scars or acne scars or gaining weight, or even just random bullshit like having red cheeks or crooked teeth or weird looking knees. like i grew up rooted in so much self hatred and around people who were so mean and judgemental and i felt like i couldnt even fit myself into the little box of expectation placed before me and my friends that even when i ran away to my art i felt like i was trapped by the will of the world around me with nowhere to go and no way to communicate my sadness, because above all else i really do think all i wanted when i was younger was for people to be happy and to be happy myself, but i felt like i was being strangled by the thoughts and ideals of those around me to even the smallest degree, like a passing judgemental remark about someones self harm scars or crooked teeth

so now that i can draw that and communicate a positive love for people, that everyone is amazing and that nobody is ''wrong'', that love ive had since i was a kid for the world around me and everyone i met, it feels really good!! i cannot explain how much it means to me that people let me draw this way and respond psoitively to it and are moved by it because it feels like ive been locked in a box all my life not knowing what to do or what i was thinking about, and someone finally opened up the box and let me out and showed me what it all means. does that make sense? i feel like my art was a gateway to recognizing my own identity and who i am and to tell me that its not Wrong to be a certain way, that the people i was raised around were not telling the truth, that i wasnt a failure or doing something wrong when my teeth yellowed beyond my control or acne started showing up on my skin, that it wasnt wrong to have mobility aids or be suicidal or gain weight

like when i look back at my old art i see younger me who was struggling with a lot and just wanting to understand what it all meant, and as i grew up and put my art out there i was shown that the world wasnt a mean and cruel place, that it didnt have to be, and it really allowed me to open up and draw more. this post makes about as much sense as my draft but i just wanted to say all of this to say THANK YOU to everyone who has supported me because it really does mean more than you will ever know in so many ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if youve been here for a while you may have even seen how much happier i am now and how my art has developed as i got happier and its all because i know now that the world doesnt have to be cruel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you !!!!!! (^ old art i drew as a 15 year old as a thsank you)

[kennaverse]

MY shifting journey

Have i shifted a bunch of times? No, but i am a very successful shifter when i actually put effort into shifting. I want to make more posts like these to talk abt my shifting journey and updates with methods i use, story times, wtv. Think of this is like a shifting diary, except i share it on the internet for all of you to read.

and just know these will be unorganized because it’s me mindlessly writing my thoughts down, there’s a slim to none chance i will reread before posting 🌚..

Call me crazy for this, i’m completely convinced I shifted when i was a little kid.

I was always like the super imaginative little girl who would like be in her own world and was kinda the weird kid too😭. I would literally act things out with myself and had the most VIVID imagination ever, like it was INSANE, and there were times where i would go to bed and think like “what if i just woke up in (show i like)” and then would proceed to dream about it right after. It wasn’t exactly shifting, but i was close FS.

another thing is like, my favorite thing to do as a little kid was force myself into thinking i was in different realities at different times for no mf reason.. like i would just enter my living room and be like “i just entered a parallel universe” BAHAHA GIRL WHAT😭. but yk.. maybe i did🌚.

I KNOW I shifted this one time to hogwarts when i was like 10. it was a mini shift but i know for a fact that was shifting.

which is crazy to me cuz i was literally under 10 where i was lucid dreaming and shifting without knowing what either of those two were? Like i KNEW what i was doing too.

Then i discovered 2020 shiftok and didn’t shift for 2 years after that😭😭.

When i first discovered shiftok, it was through a screenshot on pinterest on my broken ipad. no kidding that’s a core memory for me.

After i found that out i decided to try it, but i thought i could ONLY shift in the starfish position, cuz yk it was 2020. And my bed was very small so i did it ON THE FLLOOORRR…

No i didn’t shift.

i tried a few times after that and gave up and completely forgot about it for a hot second until 2022.

I rediscovered it bc i remembered smth abt it from that one day on my broke ass ipad and tried to remember what it was for like an hour and when i figured it out i tried to do research on it. i struggled, but eventually i got there. I wanted to shift at that point more as an escape from this reality, and not just a fun thing for my fav shows like how i was younger?

I had a bunch of scripts, but i never tried to shift for a while until i met my first shifting friend ever. we’re not friends anymore but she changed like my whole point of view on shifting and this reality and helped me SO MUCH. ever since then i’ve been able to shift like normal, i just don’t do it a lot because i’m lazy.

And most times i try to shift i fail, but ive been on a shifting break to reprogram my mindset and let me tell youuuu it’s DEFINITELY working out, and i will be shifting tonight.

sooo conclusion, shifting has always been there for me since i was really young, i just wasn’t fully aware of it and i think that’s actually the case w a lot of people. idk. i’m tired

[aoififi]

Hey there, idiot.

You're dumb. You're just a doll. I've been following your tumblr for a loooong time now, Fifi. A girlfriend of mine once linked me one of your story times to explain a fantasy she was having. You know the ones. Eloquently written exercises in depravity, chronicling the complete deconstruction of a proud, self-reliant, often even dominant person into a simple fucktoy and domestic appliance. And I was hooked. I loved them. Back then I even had legitimate respect for you as a writer of erotica, Fifi. Can you even imagine anymore? People respecting you? I know! Brainwashing is good for you. The girlfriend isn't around anymore, but I continued checking up on your blog every few months. I don't really browse tumblr myself. Not even for the porn. But when I did find my way here, you were a great curator for all things a guy with a maid and bimbo fetish could hope for. Ha. I'm decently sure it's your blog that had me discover those fetishes to begin with. Brainwashing is making you so much better. Of course, you stopped writing story times a long while ago. And I understand that. There were other things you focused on. When you learned to aspire to be less, and to accept Your Natural State. The first time you wrote without autocorrect. When you abandoned the maid thing entirely to become a suckhole. I do miss the story times, but your journey was a delight to watch. Edging melts your mind away. Why I'm telling you all that? I have no idea, to be honest. Narcissim, maybe, or possibly nostalgia? Could even be a misguided attempt to let you know that the things you do here are fun for people. Who knows. By this point, you've probably already drooled a shiny, sticky coat over your keyboard while edging away mindlessly. Just waiting for the boring words to stop and more happy trigger phrases to click into your perception instead. Good girls do it every day. So let's try and end this with something that gooey pink mush your daddy turned your brains into can actually comprehend. Hey Fifi! Tell us your favourite thing your Daddy does to you or makes you do. Oh. And thank you, Fifi. Thank you for being porn.

omg this was such a good thing to read. like, thinking about how bimbofied ive become over the years, and being reminded of it, just feels *so* good, so thank you so much!!

it's pretty hard to just pick one thing though, you know? like everything Daddy does to me or makes me do is good in its own way. like sometimes when my mouth is stuffed and sucking, Daddy helps me keep my mind right in my mouth a d focused on my oral fixation and on their cock fucking me brainless. that really makes me drop *super* hard 💫 Daddys really helpful and smart like that.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Dancer anon advice

Hi all! Someone wrote me about some advice, I'm just copy and pasting it here so I can add a 'read more' line and format it a bit differently than usual so I can keep my thoughts in order!

Italics is their writing

Bold is mine

i noticed ppl were using this blog to ask about stuff, so here goes ig?

(also im sorry this was going to be me asking about gender stuff but now its just kinda my life story 😭 if you dont want to answer this, you can just write a post saying like. dancer anon i dont feel comfortable answering this or whatever)

Ahhhh, you all need to stop apologizing! I never mind helping!

im afab, and i feel like i never really fit in with gender? like, i would always be so jealous of my feminine friends but i didnt feel good when dressing feminine myself

i also take dance classes (i started at around 6/7) and i felt like i had to wear all the skirts and shit because i wanted to be pretty like the other dancers, and i felt really terrible after a few years of that, because i hated how i looked in them and how i looked when i danced

(i also used to have a dance teacher whos hands were always cold and thats all i can remember about him but i really hated dancing with him and would get relieved when classes were over. ive hated dancing with boys/men ever since)

and it got like. really bad. i believe? (my memory is actually terrible. i cant remember anything for the life of me, so it could be my mind overexaggerating, but anyways.)

i would always ask for me and my teacher to just do stretching because i hated how i looked when i danced because i hated the skirts and everything because i hate my legs and how they look when bare. i hated attending dance classes because people would see me and see my legs and see how i looked and i felt terrible all the time (i think i was around 9 or 10 at this age?)

so one day i had a whole crying fit and my dance teacher told me that i dont have to wear skirts or whatever, i can wear pants and shit (i was so fucking relieved. istg. i now wear skirts to dance only like. couple times a year maybe)

and then soon enough covid happened! (also keep in mind that i grew up like. really sheltered. i did not know what gay people/transgender people were until i read fanfiction about warrior cats 😭)

and i was so delighted! because on distance learning, no one would see me and be able to judge me for how i dress or whatever

at around this time, my fear of everyone masculine really grew. its still there. im fucking terrified of all men. i cant help it. like every boy man masculine person. i get so scared. i hate it. i hate it so much

but then covid came to a halt, yk, school started again .-. i felt like shit, honestly. i didnt have ANY clothes i felt comfortable in. my hair felt too long and "feminine" and i wanted to cut it for the longest time. my clothes made me feel terrible. i hated how the leggings would wear on my legs and how my sweaters would show my body shape and how my butt looked (i still really hate how it looks. why is it big. i dont want it to be i hate it so much)

yeah so there i am, feeling dysphoric as shit (i did not know what that was, back then, by the way, but i believe thats what i was feeling)

didnt help that my only friend was a toxic, lying, manipulating bitch who led people on for fun and always expected everyone to worship at her feet

after a while, i discovered different labels! (bisexual was the first label i had for myself. i felt good with it, ig?)

and then i got to the gender situation. i used so many girl alligned terms because i was so scared of being percieved as the very thing i am terrified of (masculine ppl). i went through demigirl, girlflux, genderfae, genderfluid, i beleive, maybe somethign else too, because i wanted to stay connected to being a girl.

Okay so here, I want to ask, what's the reason to wanting to say connected with being a girl? Is it feeling like you are partially a girl? Not wanting to be connected to masculinity? Not wanting to let go of the 'girlhood' that you grew up with? None of these reasons are bad but I think thinking about this more might help you figure out your gender.

around this time i started doing leader steps for dance. the euphoria i felt. please.

ahhhhh wait! I do ballroom, too! I'm a follower, though. what's your favorite? I LOVE tango. Okay, sorry, I got distracted.

found out i was a lesbian, used nonbinary but with she/they pronouns and felt like shit whenever anyone called me she but didnt want to make a big deal about using they

ooo, okay here- asking for your correct pronouns isn't 'making a big deal.' it's asking for what you need and asking for respect.

found out i was aroace because "people actually find video game characters attractive?" 😭

thought i might feel better as a boy? cut my hair. i loved it so much (i still do) (that was may of last year) got baggy clothes. covered up my figure. did leader steps for dance.

over the summer i started using labels such as agender? which i feel like fits me?

anyway, thats the life story part, now for the part about what the fuck am i

i feel like shit whenever im called a girl or refered to with feminine terms. im not sure if it would classify as dysphoria or not, becuase i dont feel /that/ bad about it, but it still ruins my mood and kinda makes me want to cry.

okay so here's the thing. not 'feeling THAT bad' doesn't mean anything. Dysphoria is dysphoria. and this is dysphoria. Just because you're not throwing up in a corner doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid.

if my grandma calles me granddaughter, girl, whatever in russian, it automatically ruins my mood. makes me feel terrible. i hate it.

i dont feel as bad when my sister calls me her sister, though, for some reason.

Okay! So for me, I hate being called a lady, but I don't mind my wife calling me her wife. Again, this is all completely valid <3

when i get called by she/her i hate it so much. i dont want to make a big deal about asking for they/them - sometimes my friends remeber, sometimes they dont.

ive never tried he pronouns, dont think i want to.

they/them pronouns dont give me that much euphoria either, its just like. ok

Okay! Have you tried neopronouns? If you're not interesting in those, it could just be that they/them is what feels best. And that's okay, too!

another thing. my friend has another nonbinary friend. she always genders them correctly, but almost never me. it makes me feel like shit, like she cares more about getting their pronouns than mine, even though i know that thats not a good mindset and shit.

*loud buzzer sound* wrong. Your friend should be gendering everyone correctly, not just some people. Good friends care about making their friends feel comfortable, and this friend is making you uncomfortable. Would you feel comfortable talking to them about it?

also, heres some more on my fear of men because who doesnt love being scared out of their wits irrationally :D

my dance teacher had to leave to go back to where she lives, so they gave me a male teacher (i tend to only have female ones.)

i would be in tears every lesson. i felt like shit. (also i hate the sound of peoples voices and he would always be talking and i hate it so much because his voice, amongst others, is one of the ones that hurts my ears the most.) i even went to my mom to ask her for a change which helped ig? my new teacher is really nice and i love her so,,, yeah

Okay, I want to stop here to say- a lot of this has to do with gender, right? But this particular response seems to be rooted in trauma. Without prying too much, I am wondering if there is something that happened with a man or masculine-presenting person or people? You do NOT have to share with me, but this might be something to explore with a trusted person in your life. I mean, there is a chance it's gender-related, but in the most loving way, there seems to be something deeper going on here.

anyway, you dont have to answer this, i was going to just ask for help with labels and feeling like theres no correct label for me (i use agender now, for simplicity, because i dont feel connected to having a gender at all)

So I guess my question is, how do you feel about the agender label? When I looked up the definition, it seems to be defined as exactly what you described- someone not having a gender at all.

Also, remember that your gender identity and expression are two different things! You can identify as agender (or any of the other things you mentioned) and still choose to dress however feels most comfortable and use whatever pronouns feel most comfortable. There are no set rules except: do what feels most genuine and comfortable!

if you do want to answer this but dont want to use this large of an ask on your blog, just call me dancer anon, i will see and understand 👍

again, sorry for dumping all of this on you

ahhhhhhh don't be sorry, you are a wonderful human!

have a wonderful day

you, too! please message me if you want to talk more! <3

[yagamisdiary]

I have a love hate relationship with the fact that you enjoy making us suffer throughout the entirety of your books and making us think they will have a bad ending just to give us the best possible endings ever 🥲 ugh i love you so much youre my favorite author ever, while im here i apologize for the incoming paragraphs but i just need to say it:

1. Idk how you do it but the book covers you choose are always so perfect like?? Idk if im explaining myself but i feel like they capture the vibes of the books perfectly

2. Ok now this is kinda personal and i dont mean to sound like im venting, but have you ever read a fic that impacted you so much to the point where you find yourself still thinking about it to this day 😭 bc that's how i feel about both of ur books, they're so beautifully written and i'm always thinking about the characters or going back to read random parts of the books (edit: i had this paragraph written way before parasite was removed okay but i started rereading eldia yesterday because im truly heartbroken, devastated, downcast, miserable, dejected and inconsolable by the fact that its finished)

I discovered you in july-ish 2021 during parasite era but didnt actually read it until june 2022, i was devastated when i finished it but also had to cleanse my soul cause i accidentally burnt my self out during the last few chapters (i mean it in a good way lol, it was rlly hard to read the last 2 chapters 🙇‍♀️ they were written really well and i felt unsettled while reading the beginning of y/ns whole breakdown, i could feel the gloomy depressed vibe it had if you get what i mean), so anyway i moved on to Eldia. At that time, it was fairly new so there were only like 10 or 11 chapters, ive been keeping up with Eldia ever since and its truly bittersweet to see it end like i was literally full on sobbing for no reason 🥲 probably the sentiment of being a reader for 2 years idk lol. Anyway what im trying to say is that your books were one of the only things that helped me escape reality in 2022, i didnt really find joy in anything and hated my life, however ive definitely improved ever since, so im honestly rlly thankful for you Amara 💕

Edit: i just know it sounds stupid and youre probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but i've had this written out for like 5 months and was kinda scared to send it because i felt like it was corny, but with Eldia's resolution i felt encouraged seeing all these people tell you what they think :P so sorry for the long ass paragraph lmao, i just needed to say it because i know in 10 years ill be a grown ass woman and still thinking about these books, theyre attached to my brain forever (like a parasite, ironic)

Ok so i doubt ppl will read this (or that you'll even read all of it) so if you reached the end i must say that you actually ate with the baby names in Eldia 🤭 im saying it here to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone but Andromeda 😪 i remember in early july i sent you an anon ask saying that i pictured you as a girl mom and even listed a few names, i was gonna list Andromeda so its kinda funny to me 😭 and Elrose?? Andromeda is my fav name but Elrose grew on me and i actually rlly like it, idk why it just sounds and looks so satisfying OMG DAMN I JUST SCROLLED UP AND DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?? IM SO SORRY AMARA 😭😭 i definitely had way more to say but i feel bad now, it was gonna be an anonymous ask but atp i'll just let it be public

to conclude i must say that whenever someone asks me what my favorite books are, i hate that im not able to say "Oh my favorite books are parasite and eldia" because they're considered fanfics and not 'real books', i think thats really stupid, not only because fanfiction is just as valid as what ppl consider 'real books' but because there are so many fanfictions turned into real books or movies?? Ok im done (for now) but as you can tell im not really good at going straight to the point sorry for writing about 10 paragraphs love you queen vivan las escritoras latinas 🤞

1. honestly i find a pic that fits the vibe i want the book to give before i even write the story then i just somehow find a way to incorporate the cover

ex) eldia’s cover is jean with wine all over him, iykyk there’s an exact scene in eldia that references the cover

2. thank u so much 🥲 the ppl who have stuck around the longest always say the most sweet stuff bc yall really have been alongside me for so many years now and were like growing together which is kinda cool

3. i wanted a name that had ambrose and elijah both in it and it was either elrose or embrose but i ended up liking elrose more, embrose was too similar to ambrose

4. i don’t mind the length of the message at all! i love love love reading all the stuff i receive and the ones that are the longest stick with me the most. 🫶🏼