#ive been so exhausted i didnt do any work at all today

[a9saga]

im so fucking burnt out and exhausted and i still have so much work to do and i want to do absolutely none of it anymore. i wanna fast forward through this next month so my semester can just be over already but i’d skip over my birthday which is a week from tomorrow, and i am going to have to be grinding my ass off still, as well as the weekends before and after it i have so much work it’s like i don’t have time for it, i don’t have time for any of it, but all i really want right now is to just chill out and spend some time with my good friends whom i miss amongst my hours of daily math homework that still isnt enough. i really hope someone cheers me up because i can’t even hide how stressed out i am for the life of me.

[paralien]

what if I just kill myself in the most fucked up way possible at work. giving the guests at the hotel trauma for life when they find me in some hannibal-eque grotesque state in the lobby. would that be fucked up or what hahaha

[the-s1lly-corner]

C, I, K, L Q and Z for Jax plz? 👀

Fluff Alphabet w/ Jax! (1)

as of writing this i only have this request and one more!! i didnt think i would be able to catch up them all when i woke up this morning, but ive been killin it today i guess! yahoo! Im still taking requests but after this and the next ill take another short break to stretch my legs and recharge my brain !!

CUDDLING- if you read the caine alphabet, i believe i mention that caine would wrap his arms and legs around you and trap you (at least i did, im p sure i did but im too tired to check)

well, jax does that to you, pretty much, but hes a lot more stubborn about letting you go and wants to see you squirm and fight for your freedom... so good luck if you had anything planned that day...! he looks like he would be soft, both because bunmy... but also like, stylistically he looks like he would be squishy.. pretty pleasant to cuddle in to!

IN HOUSE ADVENTURE- unless the adventure gives him some ammo and/or way to be a menace to others, i think he just skips them. or if he does stick around he just. doesnt help, instead kind of just not doing anything.. now whether or not you and jax share similar traits is up to you, but if you needed help and asked nicely he would help you with something but otherwise youre on your own sister (gender neutral)

KISS- lots of kisses, especially if you get flustered easily. sure, you get a bit of a break from his antics but not by much... and if he can make you turn red from simply kissing your cheek hes going to exploit that.. speaking of, a lot of the kisses he gives are quick and fleeting, usually short pecks while hes walking by

LOVE LANGUAGE- little harmless pranks that make you do a double take or mildly confuse you are how he shows his love. now this is different from his usual stuff, because what he does to you is like. he leaves you a note. aww hes telling you how cute he thinks you are..! you pull the note out and BOOM! theres now powder everywhere and the note says you're sweet (the powder, being sugar). shit like that. outside of that words of affirmations work for him to, giving and receiving.. gonna be real though, i think jax is one of the hardest characters for me to write for since hes an ass (no shade to everyone asking for him! i love a little challenge!)

QUIET TIME- does not like quiet calm moments, but thats because hes an enjoyer and bringer of chaos, so moments of true silence are very rare. but lets say you two both just sit down and just. exist. actually, ill do you one better and tie this into the cuddling segment, he would probably busy his hands with your hair or any accessory you have on you

ZZZ- assuming you guys can sleep if you so desired, and you somehow convince jax to sleep with you (i think he would be the type to need to be talked into it), he would steal all the blankets. and the pillows. regardless of if hes actually sleeping or not. if this were the real world, and you guys were normal people and you actually needed to sleep due to exhaustion he would ease up on you (if hes doing this while awake). most definitely the type to say something as youre trying to sleep

"first person protagonists in video games never blink" or something similar

[mandoalorian]

hey tumblr friends ;-;

so, a little bit of a real life vent incoming. feel free to ignore.

ive worked really hard towards a promotion the past few months at work and found out today that I didn’t get it and man it sucks knowing you put your all into something and it wasn’t good enough. on paper i am good enough. hell, im the best person at that place, metrics wise. management know this. they told me to go for the job for that reason. but apparently i answered one of the questions with a bad structure and to me that just feels like weird feedback because what does that even mean.. and i don’t know. im so deflated.

any advice? really want to feel better ive been crying all day & even left work early because i just did not want to do my job. i didnt want to do it anymore. i love my job and the people there but god i can’t help but feel like i deserved this good thing and i didn’t get it. and im so exhausted and upset and my eyes hurt. and man, the extra money would have been great :(. finances have been hard lately. it would’ve been really nice.

and now i just feel lost. expendable. hurt. rejected. how do i bounce back from this?

[callibones]

UM HI HI HI ITS ME. 🩸🟪 AND I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I AM VERY SORRY!!!

this week ive been exceptionally busy. a lot of stuff has been piling up for me with university and work and it didnt really give me a lot of time to look at tumblr OR read the fics! ill get to them! i didnt forget i swear ive just been EXHAUSTED this message is just being pulled out of my ass since i didnt expect to write to you today so i dont have any topics planned to ask you about. i didnt wanna take the time to think of something because i didnt want it to seem like i was ignoring your poast (despite the fact you wouldve never known if i had seen it or not .. but MENTALLY i'd feel bad, you know?) but uh. yeah

i don't know how people talk. um. how are you? has your week been particularly busy? what DO you do outside of tumblogging actually .. im curious

OH AND ALSO i very much appreciate the backstory info you gave me on callibones. i MIGHT take inspiration from it for my fanart? maybee? and uh i will send that to you SOON! very soon. i guess in the meantime id just wanna polish it more before sending it to someone out of like. principle?

i looked through your friends blog.. i like the concept of a blood bag person thing. there were probably better ways of saying that but IDK!! once again though i think it is Extremely Drawable so i have a small request ..

and regarding CALCIFER .. i think i would appreciate a deity to deity chat. or an potential acolyte to deity chat or I Mean Ha Ha. and those pronouns are Pretty Cool if i do say so myself! im worried directly sending in an ask would be strange so since you said you were friends with them can you parrot my question? i rlly wanna know whether drawing fanart of their OC is okay. sorry what else. im going to try and plan my next correspondence out ASAP so ill probably go through the cedardivine post before the post you made with a ton of fics? just because the list is shorter. idk what ill do after that--maybe ill rank them or something and you can tell me how wrong my opinion is or something Haha! just kidding im always right. i create new truths as we speak. as im typing this im overwriting just a little bit more of the world's knowledge. im just cool and awesome like that. theres nothing else i can think of at the moment to ask you.. OH UM when you mentioned callyris i realized "hey wait dont i know a blog called that" and Look Who It Was! so thats neat i also think i found another blog that may be under your posession but i dont think i can ask about it at the front desk.. so when i message you in some other manner ill probably ask you about that! who knows i might even be Completely Wrong

well anyways sorry for the delay. it will probably take a while longer for me to compose my thoughts so the delay will continue but. idk. i hope this message isnt TOO INCOHERENT but again i am not proofreading at all for this one.

also im definitely using gooby forever now. thats great. what a peculiar phrase.

GOOBY!!!!

hi hi hi hi! i took a million years to get back to this so NEVER apologize or rush about sending me things. anon asks r a tough way to communicate cause i dont got an online indicator for u so i just gotta guess... and u dont got a notification for me! i hope u see this even tho its been a bit.

ive been busy too cause university's also piling up for ME. i'm gonna respond to this one first, and then i'll take a crack at your mysterious coded message! and then i have to do a million homework because grad school. outside of tumblogging im trying to destroy the world with the infinite power amulet, so i'm majoring in general supervillainy! and also urban planning

for the blood bag: @rigormarcy LOVES fanart. marcy, if u see this, respond with your ref, 'cause you have a super drawable OC! the fans wanna draw u so bad. So Bad.

u found another blog that might b me? omg.... here. how bout this. send me an ask with just the name and i wont publish the response. if youre REALLY curious. but youre probably right, because i invented every blog on tumblr GOOBY

[mejomonster]

My gastroparesis driving me up a wall. And by that i mean ive been barely eating for over a week now and my symptoms still arent improving and im really not havin a great time im exhausted my bodys in pain trying to get me to Rest but i gotta work full time and my abdomen absolutely hurts but painkillers slow digestion even More so ive been laying down on heatpad as much as possible and i really dont wanna go back to an All Liquid diet (but even if i did im at the nausea and vomiting point of a gastroparesis flare which means even liquid only im likely to throw up either way) and like. I just wanna comfort eat bread cause i feel miserable exhausted in pain and it would be a small joy. But bread is absolutely not something i can eat during a flare. I can only eat it when doing good if i take benedryl. Im so angry and tired and id like to sleep for days. And i gotta still Make myself eat chips and protein shakes even tho i got nausea cause my gi meds dont work unless i eat Something. Even if i got nausea and tons of pain wooh

Anyway im getting flack from family for being so tired the last week and i love em and all but its awful feeling guilty for not calling Enough when its like goddamn eating (something humans gotta do at least once a day) hurts phenomenally and i barely can but i obviously desire to like any human then i eat and Ouch my body didnt fucking like that and punished me for it and im so mad. I feel awful and yeah im mad i dont got energy to hide how much pain im in and chat false enthusiastically for 20 minutes after already doing it all thru work. I had 1 teaspoon of peanut butter today and my remaining options are soup broth (but it had beans cooked in it and my body cant take fiber today so idk if its worth the risk of any accidental beans) and salad (which is of course raw vegetables fiber very hard on stomach rn so i can probably just eat a handful size portion and hopefully ill chew enough its mush and my body will tolerate it). And a protein shake (but its got fiber and is made of chickpeas i think for the protein so idk if my body is tolerating it or not im just drinking it so i dont have no calories). I had chips yesterday but i think my body considered it too solid or large to digest idk cause im eveb worse today. I also had toast yesterday cause i was so angry and hungry and wanted comfort food. So of course that messed me up. Which means i should take more benedryl. But then i wont just be hungry and pain tired, ill also be drug tired. And im so sick of being miserablr all day at work just to pass out the second its over cause allergy meds knocked me out then ive lost all day. But without allergy meds i can eat hardly anything i like. I mean i cant eat rn but like. Right before this fuckjng flare and hopefully once its over. Im just sick of it. Im tired and when i go to therapy next week shell probs ask oh what do you do to stress relief and its like... i get it but are u fucking kidding me. Im knocked unconcious from benedryl. And tired anyway cayse no food, and pain nonstop from gi tract. So im barely doing anything. I cant really get outta bed cause i need the 4 sq feet heatpad or ill be in agony over my abdomen. Dont have tv in room so i can use phone i guess. So tired i can barely keep eyes open or think so im not writing reading or watching shows on phone. I can idk listen to a reaction or lets play since if i fall asleep and wake up i dont need to follow a plot. But like im not in a state to be going for a fucking walk (i wish! I wanna dance and walk but my abdomen and back feel awful and im so tired im dizzy when i stand) or hang out w friend, which im sure idk shed prefer to hear some productive ass activity like god im just trying to keep myself employed and out of the ER until the flare rights itself. Please

And i know jts not that bad. Ive been worse. I couldnt eat solid food for 6 months once. I was in the ER weekly it was so bad i blocked most of it outta memory. This is only a couple weeks. And i havent thrown up much! I was throwing up 5 times daily back then. And i have had chips and peanut butter! I recognizr thats nice, i got some solid food and held it down! I know my gastroparesis is EONS LESS severe than it was when it started.

Its just like. It still sucks barely eating for weeks and any eating hurting immensely and nonstop nausea for days and pain not lowering. Like a normal healthy person might snap from anger if they try to go 20 hours without eating, or crash and need to eat to keep going, or just be run down as fuck and justifiable if they barely do anything that day. But i go days like that and im expected to just appear fine and live life normally like im not worn down af and just desperate to not feel nausea and pain and i just really wanna eat again. Normally.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y'know i watch a lot of dave ramsey on my fb feed, ever since my parent sent me the video where a young couple had $750,000 worth of student loan and other debt. but like. although most of their advice is relatively okay/good for saving up and getting out of debt, the one piece of advice i take issue with today, mostly bc i feel like being pissed about something is "just get any job before you get THE job! you need work and money TODAY and also a side hustle if you have free time to watch netflix between 3 other jobs!"

like. i have been TRYING to just get ANY job for a year now, ever since i left my shitty and toxic asf traineeship/cadetship..... that made me so fucking anxious and stressed that i crashed my car so bad that i bashed in my back windscreen, my boot/trunk and knocked off my back wheels and exhaust pipe (and i also destroyed their multilevel parking.... and i refused to follow up on their building insurance to fix. ALSO my car is actually fine. my insurance fixed it lmao. it took like 3 whole months).

i've been trying for the past year ever since my shitty overly critical, controlling and micromanaging boss completely ruined my chance of a good stable job where i got BUMPED UP from trainee to a full admin assistant during the interview process..... all because i REFUSED to listen SPECIFICALLY to her and hr to be a disability/community support worker bc "tHeY'rE sOoOoOo DeSpErAtE fOr WoRkErS wHy DoN't YoU cArE!!!!????" and "SHE HAS THE WRONG PERSONALITY FOR ADMIN!!!!!" et al.... that she called me to demand to know EXACTLY what jobs i was applying for directly after she gave that bullshit reference report so she could guilt me to "use your (my) giving heart." *enter every tag rant i've made about this sitch on this hellsite here*

where people, performance and culture told me to get assessed and medicated for anxiety and depression. where one of the course coordinator ladies of the cert IV in housing course i did as part of this program told me to "hurry up and get assessed and medicated for ADHD bc it's ruining your KPIs and business performance!" bc i went too fast through my assessments for her to help me..... and "YoU'rE NoT fIgHtInG fOr YoUr CaReEr HaRd EnOuGH!!!!" whenever i got told both by my manager and my mentor that any chance for me to move up or do anything for my assessments was "not relevant to you" (even in TEAM MEETINGS!) and "just accept it's not in YOUR journey with us!!!". and finally where another coworker kept asking me if i had some undiagnosed disability that i hadnt told them about.... on the way to one of the very seldom inspections that i was SUPPOSED to be doing by myself, by the end of the program. but they continually barred me from doing. how the fuck was i meant to stay here and do anything successfully and healthily in this toxic ass workplace???

i've tried for a fucking year to get "just any job". be it from kmart to fucking heavy labouring shift work at the local steelworks.... bc i am fucking desperate.... to even a support worker in the last couple of months. that i didnt have good ref reports for (and quite understandably so this time bc this job is basically like rudimentary nursing which i've NEVER been interested in). but again i was desperate. and i wanted to test shit boss's/shit HR's hypothesis that it was "an instant job! it'll be so easy for you! bc you're so nice, and giving, and down to earth, and friendly!!! all it is, is making friends all day with your interests!! what the perfect job for you!!' ma'am i am NOT 18 like your son that you keep referencing whenever we talk about this. i am 27/28 (at the time). why the fuck are you SO condescending, belittling and supercilious?

i have been trying for a fucking year to get any fucking job possible.... when it's literally impossible.... when even rudimentary/entry level jobs like working at kmart or woolies or even as a door greeter/customer service person at a local bank; come with test after test after test after test...... that give you results like "you have big dreams and we can't help you achieve them!" or "you have NO emotional regulation and intelligence, and resilience skills whatsoever. why did you even apply to work for social services?! goodbye." or "you don't know what INNOVATION means bc you're too scared to try or come up with new ways to do things." shitbot.AI for social services. you're a government agency. you're the LEAST innovative fucking business in the ENTIRE country.... for personality readings. batshit insane multi-tasking tests like this one:

i NEVER pass these tests, whether they're the standard personality test or the psychometric tests like the one pictured, or the system thinking ones... fictional staff IM chat ones; etc etc etc. FOR A FUCKING SEWING/ARTS/HABERDASHERY SHOP. the list goes on and on. where you only have 30 seconds to get every little bit of it right in 20 questions. i failed that screenshot test big time for the local bank. bc i can't math and i felt way too rushed.

there's so many job descriptions you have to dodge bc they don't list salary properly (eg monthly figures i've seen for writing jobs or one for working for influencers i saw last week) OR even AT ALL..... instead sometimes they just "profile salary match" bc they don't want to pay jack fucking shit. overly presumptuous and fucking patronizing as all fuck small business owners who are SO FUCKING sanctimonious about the supposed importance of working in a FAMILY OWNED small business as opposed to a MuLtInAtIoNaL where apparently "you can just go home and forget about work! not HERE!" that's such a massive red flag. since they think that, from the outset, they have the RIGHT to treat APPLICANTS like they have shit-for-brains for 85k a year...... and begging for this specific attribute in the JD from applicants:

that hey. maybe it's not fucking worth applying for that and losing my sanity over ANOTHER god-awful boss and a 2hr commute to work (ie it was in southwestern sydney which is a 2hr commute for me where i live). also, as a caveat. who the fuck has had stable employment since 2020???? since the worldwide fucking pandemic??? where so many industries have laid off droves and droves of employeess??? and it's still happening?? like ok given this was as a HR admin support position and i assume a lot of HR people had career stability during the last 4 years. but also. what the ACTUAL fuck.

i am TRYING to get any fucking job possible. but it's hard to take some jobs seriously. these are the attributes of some influencer advertising/marketing firm and one of their "KPI's/company values was "honor" and was like "honor the vibes and the company" or whatever the fuck i found on indeed last week:

it's also hard to take some admin jobs seriously. for example, a local wealth management firm DOESN'T list the salary of a customer service/admin/whatever the fuck else they called it "rockstar/superstar"position..... that DEMANDS the desired candidate does the job of the equivalent of 6 other people in their branch whilst ALSO doing the admin work of their two other regional offices. what the fuck is the pay for this position??? why won't you list it??? is just THAT GOOD AND HIGH???? or just THAT LOW AND AWFUL???? fucking list it, you dumb cowardly bastards.

again, i've been trying to get any job for the past fucking year, that i've finally started to slightly dumb down my resume by finally deleting my advanced diploma of marketing. it's a daily fucking struggle to not go feral and start bitch-posting on my linkedin about how fucked up the job market is. but obvs i can't do that when have Shit HR and other people from my first job lurking on my LI feed. or start a tiktok parodying the goddamned motherfucking mindfuck tactics of the useless fucking job market before throwing my 12 year old laptop out the fucking window. "just get any job" is NOT possible anymore when that "just any job" in retail or call centres (although rip me for leaving after barely a month bc a shitty call centre i worked for in feb/march this year REFUSED to fix a backend issue on THEIR END but kept blaming it on me and it ruined my training period).... are just so mind fucky and tiring that it's straight up NOT even worth applying.

it's straight up not worth applying to a job that some local social service org sends you directly on seek (or maybe another job site) bc they think you fit the profile for a traineeship in business admin. only then, when you apply you're marked "unlikely to progress" bc you decided to list your desired salary at the higher end (apparently) of the trainee pay grade in australia (50k) bc you believe you shouldn't be expected to stay at 45k for TWO MORE FULL YEARS during that traineeship (with a vain hope that hopefully, HOPEFULLY, they'll keep you on at the end of it)... bc you NEED to start paying off your student loans automatically through your pay. BUT. oh no. that was too high of an ask for your quals/experience apparently. they WANTED you to low ball at 45k (or even lower) and be happy about it. so they reject you. when THEY sent YOU the job.

it's not worth trying to get "just any job", when famously even food chains in the US, like i think it's panera bread (and also walmart) are using 2 hour avatar-esque personality tests to screen ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE out of the pool except for like 2 people. every second job i get suggested on linkedin is just applicant pooling websites (or straight up scams where the pay is ONLY listed in US $$) where businesses just straight up ignore your applications bc they forgot they even made an account on it (imo) so you HAVE to make an account on THEIR actual site..... when some dumb-ass career-advice-fluencer on my fb feed (and the tik of the tok) tells you that's exactly how you get your application ignored, while flogging THEIR applicant pooling and job searching/resume writing AI advice software website.

"just any job before you get THE job", my fucking ass. this no longer fucking possible. and also cut the shit about overworking yourself to death with 10,000 different side hustles. bc that's exactly how i i nearly fucking died in 2020 at 20 fucking 5 in hospital with a stomach tumour..... after TOO MANY years of uni where the supposed importance of "innovative systematic entrepreneurial flair go-getter thinking of the future" was being espoused to me on the fucking daily. like dgmw, i know people are doing side hustles in these fucked up high cost of living times (and also im actively thinking about doing door dash since NO ONE is bothering to hire me)... but god the "if you have time to have down time with netflix why arent you filling your time with 15 side hustles to get your net worth to 1 million bucks??????" is fucked up. let people NOT work themselves to death outside of the mandatory 2 full time and 1 part time or casual or any other mix of jobs that people just need to fucking SURVIVE today.

[strawberryspeachy]

Had my last class with one of my favorite classes today.

I feel the need to clarify that I wouldn’t exchange contact info with children before saying that I always take it as a compliment when my students ask to keep in touch with me. I can’t/don’t but its still sweet when they ask. The ones who have been talkative with me all year were disappointed to learn i wont be in the school next year and after trying to get my social media asked if i would come to their graduation next year.

Another one of my classes - not their last class - was watching Hocus Pocus. I put a lot of thought into what movies/shows I wanted to introduce my students to with my goal being to show them either American culture or something that most Americans love (i showed some clips of mean girls with another class)

The other quiet advanced class didn’t seem too interested in your regular school life/home life show (boy meets world) for christmas

So while I showed my on grade classes Freaky Friday, I tried to think of what my advanced classes would enjoy that they have never seem that fits the criteria i had. And ended up with - well I love halloween and i didnt get to celebrate with them. Besides being a great movie imo it really shows what Halloween looks like in the states and has a lot of american lore.

And im glad that i was right, the class that didnt care for bmw paid a lot more attention to hocus pocus.

But the other quiet class i rlly enjoyed watching it with. They were super into it. Very invested, laughing and gossiping about the movie

We watched the second half today and they were really excited. They liked the music, they reacted to binx getting hit by a car just like how i always did as a kid, they fell for the jump scares and laughed at all the jokes.

The first class didn’t care about mary riding the vacuum but the second class all laughed every time they saw her on it. The student near me was having a mini celebration when the sun started rising

We had some issues with the tech in the first 10 min so to finish we watched after the bell during break and only about 4-5 students (of 50) left to go to the bathroom and even they rushed back to see the very end

And i could see a bunch of them holding back tears at the end when binx dies in the cats body and they all clapped when it ended

And it was really fun to introduce them to one of my favorite movies and for them to be so into it.

Anyway ive been sick since september and living with a psycho. Working with a psycho. Ive felt like a pinball for the past year stuck bouncing back and forth between two places i hate being.

Didnt get a comfortable place to live

Didn’t meet new friends

Barely went on dates

Haven’t traveled

Still haven’t joined any dance classes

Haven’t gone to concerts

I have to leave my current school because… so much stress and drama i could write a book

Found another school. Not great…eating away at my life…

I planned to just deal with the exhaustion and force myself to do the things i came here to do

And now my grandfather is in the hospital… from surgery he got sepsis then pneumonia now he has blood clots….

…..

……

[rigil-kentauris]

tw unresolved whining

so i had to cancel my writing ai subscription today because i found out they were doing images and its just making me reflect. i dont use it so i didnt notice, i mostly just wanted to tool to grow and mature. it was like my one indulgence. anyway. i wasnt involved with ai writing tools at the the BEGINNING beginning, but i was definitively there before All This. and i remember having never been so excited in my life about writing. i hadnt actually had fun writing in years, i realized (went to college for creative writing degree, for reference. like this was supposed to be my whole ass Life).

and i felt so hopeful, because it seemed to me that this was the perfect tool for me personally. it filled in all the parts of me i struggle with because of Depression and Exhaustion and We Live In A Society disease. im not sure whether or not i was using it like it was supposed to be used back then (definitely not how its supposed to be used now), but it reall felt like having a dance partner. we went back and forth sentence by sentence (sometimes word by word), making something that pushed and challenged me because it would 'write' things that i wouldnt have even considered. and i could go off of that one word or turn of phrase for paragraphs. until i got stuck. and i suppose you could get that if you wrote with another human being, which could be cool, but it was also a paradoxically safe space. sometimes you dont want to write extremem trauma whump angst with other people and i think thats okay

and it was fun. and there were issues. but it was okay

and then the art bots came.

and i felt... angry, obviously, on behalf of all the artists who were getting jacked. but i was also... pissed off. because all of a sudden people hated AIs for theft unilaterally (a good thing to be mad about) but they hadnt given a shit before. back when it was writing. because i am also a writer of normal human works. on places where content was being scrapped from. and all of a sudden there was a new cultural norm, at least in the circles i cared to be in, and no one cared about writers. at all. in fact to date ive only seen one post/piece about ai theft of text and i went out looking for that.

and it was like. i hadnt thought about the datasets before, not really. no one thinks of this is stealing (fiction) writers jobs. its only just now, like the past couple months just now, becoming a talked about problem because it steals journalists and REAL writers jobs. academic jobs. serious good people. not nasty little fiction writers. much less poets i am not a poet but i have never ever seen anyone talking about ais taking jobs from poets. and they can. people who think ai cant write mostly, i think, dont know how to use them correctly. (then again i also think people who think they CAN write fall under the same umbrella, so... ai writing programs have. problems as unique spottable and predictable as image ais adding an extra finger.)

anyway at the time, though, i hadnt really thought about tet theft in datasets. back then you really had to KNOW what generative ais were to understand what was going on. no one was explaining except to other people who got it. and of the people who got it, no one was talking about it. i wish they had been. obviously we are all of us individually responsible for our participation in society but. why wasnt anyone talking about it before? why is it okay to steal someones words? or at least, passable. why is it still passable?

it just makes me feel things. and i dont have any answers. besides that writing AIs should be the EASIEST thing in the world to fix. unlike with art, the public domain for written fiction is both massive and still popular. as in, people will use an AI trained on older writing whereas AFAICT, the only ai image makers that make money need to mass-steal anime and pop art. no one's arguing about Ye Olde Oil Painting Ai.

i dunno. it feels. odd. because obviously i cant support a place that steals. but i feel some kind of emotion about dropping a tool that made me feel connected to writing again, in order to support a (good and important) fight that doesnt seem to care about writers at all

i dont have any resolution. just upsetness. i wish we could use this tool for all the good its capable of. instead right now its just a big theft machine.

one day with the march of tech i guess we'll be able to run beasts like these on our own, and then i think we'll see more ethical options. it just sucks in the meantime.

[fraener]

11/18/24

starting to find the right edge again in trances. theres a new practitioner in town who has just opened a shop in a triangle with mine and the apothecary down the street, strange happenstances. shes a magician who does the old rich white british guy type magic though, alchemy and so on. i feel so much more connected to the pauper's folk charms than all that stuff. i did pick up a book from her though about astragali, shes got a wonderful library. more of c.b.'s perfumes and another spindleful of wool. another fight with h about the fact that he no longer conceptualizes our relationship as a partnership on some deep level, and how it has become entirely a give and take as separate entities ordeal. he just "didnt think to tell me" i had been directly and formally invited to his brothers engagement party, or that he only rsvp'd for himself without saying a thing to me or his brother, because he had already decided he wanted to go alone. i really dont think that was actually the case, i think hes gotten very good at lying to himself and others and he loves playing up being thoughtless and careless. thinking now about s telling me a while back that everything clicked for him when he started thinking about things with him an b in terms of 'together' rather than 'me and you'. i did a little clearing up here and there and changed the sheets. first day off in a week and a half for me today. by some miracle ive so far avoided getting sick despite working a lot and going to eeme and class. i spend so little time at home i feel like, and when i do im often exhausted. i want that to change. i feel sort of trodden down. i had a good time with h last week on the beach in the leaping tide and seeing p&s's play with e and her friends from abroad. the ensemble event at the bookstore was charming, stepping in and out of the thick, freezing fog and big full moonlight was charming. the sweet boy upstairs who brought me a warm drink was charming. r.r. calling me again after so long was charming. i was thinking about ian again around 4 this morning, tossing and turning. i was thinking about the nature of the sickness we cast on one another, his terror and my terror. i wont reach out to him this spring, i dont think. i dont believe at all that hell write to me. have lost a lot of faith, i suppose, in the trumpet player as well. there just isnt any room in his life for me unless i were to take up very little space. i am on the hunt for somewhere i can take up a lot of space. i like the clear bit of floor next to my bed, i want to feel cleared. i want to spend so much less time thinking about what ails and instead dive into my work, musically and magically. i think ill go for a walk in the brief snatch of sun here and set to it. every day feels like a week long and yet time is passing very quick.

its later in the day and id like to say ive been seeing this with strange and removed clarity lately, the type i get when i start to get the hang of something right before everything changes again. i feel oddly stable and so im a bit curious and worried for whats going to come.

[navire190413]

i am exhausted. i really need to stop drinking so much. i almost didnt make it into work today just because i wanted to sleep more. probably since i've been going to bed around 2 every night. i really gotta adjust my life style soon or i feel like there will be serious consequences somehow.

ive been considering giving up on x-chan. its been 4 months since we broke up, and then 3 months as "friends", where we're just doing this stupid game of ohhh we like eachother so much one week then dont like each other the next week, repeat. we met up after work yesterday and went to 神田 to go to 神田屋. idk why we even went there, x-chan hates chain izakayas. we only had one drink then decided to walk to 秋葉原。we found another chain izakaya to go to since they allow smoking at your seat. usually when we're together he always holds my hand, but he didnt reach for it at all last night, so i didnt reach for his either. i felt like, oh maybe its actually over now and we're just actually going to act like friends and not be all ラブラブ like we are most of the time. 

we left pretty early after having 2 mega lemon sours and some food. he was exhausted from work and was basically falling asleep at the table. we said bye and didnt kiss or anything. i went to my usual bar for a drink or two before going home. most of the usual people were there but i mostly just drank by myself and played with my phone. i was too exhausted and over thinking everything to even try to communicate in japanese. 

i texted x-chan while i was there saying i wanted to hold his hand earlier but didnt know if it was okay or not so i refrained. he told me its always okay and he likes when i do it, so i guess i will from now on. i also told him i still like him and after i got drunk i asked him to please tell me if he ever starts talking to a girl romantically so i can stop pursuing him out of respect for the both of them. he agreed, so i guess i should stop worrying about if he's talking to anyone until he tells me he is. 

my old drinking buddy ended up coming to the bar while i was there and we drank until 11:30, which is why im so fucking exhausted today. he's american from texas and has been in japan for less than a year. he's kind of sort of studying japanese but he hasnt really made much progress lately haha. he teaches english and is stuck in that terrible cycle. i couldnt do it. all of the people i know who are english teachers are miserable and on the verge of offing themselves. the pay is too low and their hours too long and they have weird ass fucking contracts with barely any time off. i definitely got lucky when i decided to go to language school. but also extremely lucky i had the means to save up for it and afford it. i love japan but i dont love it enough to become an english teacher just for a visa. i would absolutely move back to the states before i even considered teaching english as a job. which is why i was so panicked the entire time i was job hunting. 

im sure if i didnt come to work today it would have been fine, but i had a cold two weeks ago and something about me missing 3 days of work in a month when i just got my work visa 2 months ago doesnt sit right with me. i got ready in 10 minutes today so i could sleep in the max amount of time possible and didnt even bother with makeup. i really gotta get my shit togetherrrrrrr. x-chan also doesnt want to drink as much anymore and wants to save money, so if i stop hanging out with him as much i wont be drinking as much or spending as much money either. but if i dont hang out with him as much, he'll start hanging out with other girls! i dont think he will but my ocd is killing me. i want to give up so bad. i tried my hardest to make things right between us, but they keep going from good to bad and then from bad to good and i am frankly emotionally exhausted. he texted ME good morning today, and that made me more happy than it should have. i need to stop wasting my emotional resources on this and focus on myself. its so hard. 

i think im gonna go pray at a temple this weekend. it usually helps me clear my head and i feel like my luck usually turns around when i do. fighting the urge to look up 縁結び祈願 temples because i should pray about getting my life together, not getting back with x-chan haha. i typed this then immediately invited him to go with me.

i do the money management and accounting at my job. im still being trained on how they like their stuff organized and how to do everything the right way in japan. japan's tax system is so complicated compared to how "streamlined" it is in the states. also having to add up big amounts of money here is kind of comical. so many 0's. so. many. 0's. also dont ask me to say any number larger than 999万円 outloud because it takes me like 10 seconds to count from the end of the number and backwards to understand if its 万 or 億.

i need to go shooting soon. i have a photo series in mind, but it requires me being out all night long until like 6am, and i dont feel comfortable doing it alone since random men always approach me when im by myself so im kind of relying on my friends to go with me. i also keep blowing off my friends to hangout and try to woo x-chan. my life is a mess. i also need to study instead of drinking every night. and i need to not go to the bar as much so i can save up to move. and and and and. and i need to buy more film for my camera. and i want to play pokemon in my free time. and i need to study more japanese grammar for my job because im forgetting a lot of it now that im not going to school everyday. and and and and. i need to go to the grocery store after work today.

yesterday on my way to the station after work, there was a guy puking on the sidewalk. first thought was, okay gross? and at 5:30? kind of fucking early to be hammered… then i looked at his vomit and it was a giant amount of unchewed ramen noodles. like. so so so much. we made eye contact and that man was in PAIN. i wonder if he just overate or something instead of being drunk 😂 that image of those fucking noodles will stay with me forever.

i need to do laundry and clean my room when i get home tonight.

[raincamp]

08 22 2023

so i finally moved out this weekend :) i hadn't really had much time to myself to think until today because i was so busy. which was nice because it meant less negative thoughts.

i still don't have a job so im really stressed about that. but rn im still working on unpacking my room so im trying not to worry about much else.

i feel like my mental health has gotten both better and worse at the same time. better in the sense that i am away from the horrible, toxic, messy environment that was making it so hard to take care of myself, or do literally anything other than hide in my room all day. worse in the sense that its starting to hit me hard just how much i relied on the therapeutic support team i had back at my parents house.

i cried today. i left behind the only people who i was 100% certain actually cared about me. my therapist, my group, my therapist's supervising team, my psychiatrist, my dog.

i have two people here though, and they live with me. i might not always be 100% certain of their love for me, but they do love me sometimes. i just... i have to wait for my support system to grow again i guess. find a new group. a new therapist. hope they all are just as good as the last ones, if not better.

its hard to believe there could be anyone as good at being my therapist as she was though.

ive been reading a lot recently about people who were grieving their therapists like i am now. its giving me some comfort that im not the only one who's being torn up over it. theres other people that didn't feel ready either. other people who feel like it made them worse overall and couldn't see the therapeutic benefit. i cant either, but at least my therapist didnt claim there was one. it was my choice to leave.

its getting easier to take care of myself. i have my own space and i live with people who really respect me and my boundaries. my roommate and i have been working out together. i literally get to see my favorite person every single day.

overall i think im doing better. but i definitely still have my moments, like how i get a stabbing feeling in my chest everytime one of my roommates leaves, or the random bouts of sadness, or the emotional exhaustion, or the constant feeling that this is too good to be true and is going to come crashing down at any second.

it definitely hasn't cured me as much as i wish it did.

- andrew

[anon0618]

Life updates?

Other than our wedding planning, trying for a baby and going to the gym life has been pretty good. Work is the same as usual. we have had a ton of move outs and i have been doing them all pretty much. yeah wendy still aint shit. but whta can you do. Demi is going to be moving into the surf which i was avoiding telling dimitri because i thought he would feel some type of way about it but he didnt even care. Like i told him and he said “what does that have to do with me? So he either really trusts me or he doesnt remember? i am hoping to be honest that its both. he should trust me. I would never cheat but also like those messages were not my proudest moments so if he forgot them then thats even better for me. Someone died in there apartment and we have to fill that unit. I am worried how thats going to go. Renee is moving into the apartments we live at! WE are going to be neighbors! thats pretty cool. I am going dressing shopping almost a week from now! I am so excited. I hope I find the dress! What else? My mom should be moving into a new apartment with cheap rent! I so hope it happens. If I no longer have to pay her rent then i can put away more money for the wedding.It is looking like it might be around 10k So every little bit helps. Drea had a baby! I dont think I mentioned on here she was pregnant! Im so happy for her. Hes a pretty cute kid. My insecurities havent been as bad lately. I can truthfully say i litterally dont give a shit about any one or anything going on in dimitris phone. I finally feel secure enough that I know he truly truly loves me. He is such a wonderful man. Ive always trusted him but have just been curious about what goes on in that head of his. he just doesnt share with me alot. but ever since we got engaged i just feel even more secure. like i know hes here for me !00%. last week he held me, we made out and we had sex. It was such good sex. I wish we could do it more. But today again we made out and he held me. my god i love being in his arms. how can i explain it? hes just my favorite person in this whole world. Anyway im exhausted. Hopefully the next time I write I will be telling you that I am pregnant!

[bishiglomper]

Jesus I am so fucking useless

I had trouble today. Like standing was hard. It made my heart work overtime and my limbs felt too heavy. Like your body just has to work so hard to stand there until you cant do anything but sit. And then on top of that i got another migraine. Only this time when i took my maxalt it knocked me tf out. I missed dinner. It was too hard to roll out of bed at a decent time.

I thought i would perk up this evening but its still hard to be upright. I'm just exhausted. My sister tried to have me pick up the living room but it required a lot of bending over and i didnt know what to do with any of it anyway.

I tried to help mom with the sheets. After 30 minutes I said i had to go get my back braces. Mom excused me until later. Then she said she had to wash all the sheets again because they were damp.

Our basement leaks in wet weather. On top of that, our washer, which mom has been running nearly 24/7 for weeks, leaks. I don't wanna be there when the landlord finds out.

Apparently hes coming in the day before to do his landlord diligence as far as the City inspection. I dont think he knows the wiring in the basement bathrooom is fudged up. 👀

I think the guy is expecting to test the smoke alarms and be on his merry way. I think we're all going to be disapppinted.

Mom was saying her boyfriend wants to spend saturday with her. We both agree he should come lend a hand because mom is gonna be busy and if he wants to spend time with her... 👀

But shes like "hes allergic to dust, and has back and breathing problems. He wont be of much use."

And I'm all "Hey I tick all those boxes too! ....yeah, I'm not much use either." Oof.

I still need to clean the litter box area. Reno left some unfortunate marks along the wall.. 😶 At least I can sit there to clean it. I still need to find the spoon to do it before bed though. Ive only been up for like 2 hours but I already want to sleep.

Tomorrow we'll be out all day. Mom promised to drug me up but im more concerned with energy. And the fact that my body is gonna need a recovery day. But the day after recovery day is a day out too.. Theres no time to be a chronically ill blob 😭😭😭

[wherestarsfallaway]

I feel like this is a scary place. It holds some of my deepest hurtful memories. Memories of anger and spite. Memories of loneliness and sadness. It holds everything I wish to forget. Yet why do i find rereading my horrible thoughts so comforting?

Is it because I’m so goddamn alone that reading someones darkness… even if its my own.. feels comforting. Because someone out there is feeling that darkness too. Except. Its all just me anyway. Sometimes i feel like I come back here because I can look at these memories and think wow but I dont feel like that any more… so ive healed and grown.

Sometimes… I come back here to read all my thoughts about being hurt. And literally validate myself. Reread those thoughts and think ok. Well. She documented this years ago. So it mustve actually happened. Instead gas lighting away my own hurt. And chalking it up to nothing because thats easier

Today is the 20th.. well 21st now of December. In a few short days itll be christmas time and ill be back at my parents. I typed home first. But… i just really cant consider that true.

It hurts me so so much that I can’t truly love my family. It just does. I have this fantasy that I go on a podcast and I admit all the trauma I grew up with and people comment on that video that they understand and thank me for my vulnerability. What the therapist in me says that means is, i just want to be asked how Im actually doing and feeling for once without lying. And then get the chance to vent my true feelings. And then be thanked for being honest and vulnerable because I never got that experience growing up.

Its so complicated. There are months even that we are fine. Months where i think life is okay. Months where i finally feel like ive moved on and learned to get over all this bullshit. But that isnt true. And i fucking know it. Because the smallest randomest things will trigger me and I realize I havent healed at all. Im just hoping that the passage of time will dull the pain. But it wont. At least not fast enough for me.

I want to elope. And thats mainly because I feel like the only people who truly made me safe deserve to be there on my biggest most special day. And that person happens to be the person im actually marrying. And literally no one else. Why should I pay for people who didnt do the absolute bare minimum to celebrate my day? What did you do to earn the plate of my dinner because this isnt some fucking charity event.

I just saw someone say if youre considering ending it all because you think your family will be better off, dont because it isnt true. Yeah. I sometimes feel that. Ive felt both. Ive felt that sheer loneliness so deep and bitter that i think my family will be better off without me. But other days I know it would ruin them and that makes me happier because I actually wanna end it all out of sheer spite. Can you believe that. Sometimes. I was so angry at it all. Angry at the facade everyone else seemed to believe about us being the perfect family, that i wanted to die just so people would have to attend my funeral and realize what a shitshow it all was. Can you imagine how much fucking pain you have to put someone through for that to literally be their dying wish.

I’ve been paying rent on my own for months now. Which. At some level I understand. Im grown. But im literaly addicted to living here on my own because im terrified now of ruining the one space that makes me happy. If i have to hold my breath any longer Ill just pass away. I cant stand to compromise any more because I’ve just done this shit for too fucking long. I dont wanna hold my breath and tiptoe around my own house. I wanna relax and feel something other than anxiety in the space thats supposed to be my home. But im also exhausted. I finished my final two days ago but I’ve already worked so many hours. Ive been falling asleep midday because Im so emotionally exhausted. I just cant.

And meanwhile my family is fucking partying in las vegas. That shit builds so much resentment in me. I dont have to explain it. You know it. You understand. You dont wanna feel the betrayal anymore of knowing you were going thru a crisis just as deep and bad as your sister. But you just shut your mouth better about it. And nobody ever apologized for what they put you through. So you dont ever get closure.

At this point im so tired and sad I cant even continue this letter. Even though i have so much I want to get off my chest. My head hurts. My head hurts so bad from staring at a screen for 9 hours.

I have the sinking feeling this xmas season… sigh. I dont want to manifest it. But I wish I didnt have to go. I wish I could spend that week here. I’m tired. I barely have the strength to do anything anymore. And now Ill have to spend this break pretending. I wish I didnt want their approval so much. And i wish I could just let them go and live the life i truly want to live. Im tired.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving somewhere in secret. Turning off my location. And just vanishing. So i would have no more obligations.

But i never get what i want.. so heres to more hopeless dreams

Gnight

[freesomebodybyluna]

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