#its so distressing that i just start crying whenever i have to try

[wastedonthesebutterflies]

.

[worriedvision]

tighnari x reader where the reader cries a lot, over small things and over small sad stuff. (not quite crybaby but emotional) one day reader is going to like the tavern place in sumeru (yk the place where everyone was in alhaitham's demo?) and hears tighnari complaining and talking bad about reader and a time where they cried over something small with his friends (like cyno, kaveh, haitham) and then the reader well (cries over that, and just avoids him for a while) BUT its gonna be a fluffy ending where he apologizes and everything he said after the reader tell him the stuff they heard. you recently did one of my requests, i was very pleased with it, so, thank you very much, lovely!

As someone who cries a lot over small stuff, this is so me lol! Gender neutral reader, sad ending unfortunately. I was going to make it a happy one, but it felt right to make it a sad ending lol

--

There were times that you didn't know how you managed to get with Tighnari of all people. He was the one who didn't try much, in fact at the beginning of your working life with him he couldn't stand your weeping over small problems. Any minor problem that you caused, anything that could be easily fixed, anything that someone else was going through? You'd cry at the drop of a hat, there were times that you'd be embarrassed after thinking about. He was the one who asked you out, and you landed up crying before saying yes as if it was a damn proposal.

You'd try to get better with grounding yourself a bit, distancing yourself mentally from things that would make you cry, but you'd still cry at small things. You suppose that was your 'superpower' that was actually a pretty pathetic power.

Your most recent crying episode was from some idiot who had consumed a mushroom that caused them to hallucinate - the hallucinations being scary. You couldn't help but cry when seeing them distressed, which was what alerted your boyfriend to find the poor person quicker. When you apologised for crying yet again, your boyfriend brushes it off and states that it's just part of who you are.

You thought he was past the point of being angry whenever you showed these emotions, so you decide to meet up with your friends for drinks. As you get to the bar early, you decide to wait outside for your friends. Kaveh happened to go in, waving and giving a cheery hello as he nips in to hang out with friends. Shortly after, a friend shows up and you both enter.

Upstairs, you can hear your boyfriend huffing to himself.

"What's wrong?" Cyno asks, Tighnari instantly ready to reply.

"I'll tell you what's wrong, my partners a crybaby!" Tighnari tuts, Kaveh clearing his throat as he knows you're no doubt hearing this.

"You knew about that part of them long before you were dating." Alhaitham states, crossing his arms at the same time that you get up to leave.

"Well, I thought they would calm down with their feelings by having a partner, and I am attracted to them physically." As he finishes the statement, you've left the bar with tears in your eyes.

--

The next week, you don't give Tighnari any affection. It was clear to you that he didn't like one of the most obvious things about you - how overly empathetic you are. He didn't have the time to think too hard on this, which gave you more time to reflect on the state of your relationship.

It becomes increasingly clear that you just were not right for him. You were lucky to get some time with him as a partner, but you had the impression that he saw you as someone he had to babysit whenever you started to cry. It didn't matter that he was physically attracted to you, he wished you weren't so emotional about everything.

With him also being the boss, you knew you would need to find work elsewhere as soon as you could. As much as it hurts you, you two were like chalk and cheese.

He deserved someone he didn't need to be on eggshells around, and you deserved a partner that cherished the fact you could put yourself in the position of others and really feel how they felt.

--

When your boyfriend asked you to meet him at the bar, you were ready to tell him you were breaking up with him, and you had been mentally preparing yourself to not cry.

"I hope you are well, I'm afraid I have some bad news." Tighnari states, pushing a paper and a pen towards you. "You are fired. I am also breaking up with you - your empathy is something I cannot work with as an employer, as well as a boyfriend."

It was like a slap to the face, you were ready to just cry a little bit at the conversation.

But instead of being sad, you're angry. Grabbing the pen, you feel several sets of eyes on you as everyone around you is seeing and hearing everything. Signing the paper aggressively, you slam the pen down as you make direct eye contact with your now ex-boss and ex-boyfriend.

"You did this to embarrass me. You did this to emphasise something I already know - I cry too much." You spit out, not a single tear leaving you as you got straight to anger.

"Fuck you, Master Tighnari. I hope I never see you again."

[delusionalmultifandomwriter]

HiHiHi

So do can u do a Luke Castellan x Child of Persephone (or SMT Idrc)reader and She HAS THE BIGGEST DELULU EVER

Like Imagine Luke faked breaking up with her and she’s like “no no 🥰 I want my kids have that big brown eyes My dear” Or Smt in the lines of that and Luke laughs his but off and ITS JUST HER DELULU OVER COMING HER

Thank you so much for your request! <3

Luke Castellan x fem!persephone!reader fluff

Requested?: Yes!!

I hope you are all well, i love you all!! Have a nice day and enjoy!

Reader cursing at Luke is her love language

Masterlist

Luke was always struggeling to keep up relationships with people. He had Chris as the ever lasting person in his life since they first met at Camp Halfblood when they were 14 years old. After that, everyone was coming and going but noone really stayed for long.

You only joined his life later. Having spent most of your life in the Underworld with your mother, social normes and interactions with living people were a riddle to you.

Long story short, you were... a challenge for most people. Not that they didnt like you. The younger kids loved you and even Dionysus gave you a smirk whenever you left behind a slightly distressed demigod that tried to challenge you.

Maybe you weren't from this realm but that certainly did not mean that you didn't like it at the camp. You were craving the space that the Underworld couldn't offer you. It was only a matter of time that someone would fall for you.

By chance, that was a certain son of Hermes. Luke fell for you just as bad as you fell for him. You knew he was complicated. He was reaching for the stars but got disappointed over and over again since he was a baby.

Luke was in a bad headspace today. He didnt really know when the idea crept up to him. Maybe it was because the gods let him down for one too many times. He had been questioning your love for him for the last few days while he rotted away in bed, trying not to neglect too many of his tasks.

He needed proof of your love. Proof that you would not leave him behind like everyone else did. He contemplated talking to you but proud as he was, he quickly discarded that idea and stirred up a plan instead.

A fake breakup.

It would give him the opportunity to see your raw reaction. And he could find out if you were serious about him. Or even glad to get rid off him? Luke didn't want to think about that. He loved you after all.

"You entered the Hermes Cabin after sword practice this afternoon. You were a little sweaty and your clothes had dust stains on it from the sand in the arena. Luke was laying on his bed, his arm covering his eyes. You thought that maybe he was sleeping so you tiptoed over to your bed and started taking off your boots.

Luke shuffled on his bed and groaned as he sat up. He smiled tiredly as he looked up to find you watching him. "Hey." He mumbled but his expression dropped soon. You looked at him confused.

"What's up, darling?" You asked while you put your boots to the side. Luke got up and approached you. "I thought about something all day... can we talk?" He asked. You nodded. "Of course. What's bothering you?"

Luke looked around. Besides the two of you, everyone was out of the cabin running around somewhere else. The situation was perfect... He sighed. "I... there is something." He said hesitating, fiddling with his hands. This was not normal. You frowned. Your Luke was never this nervous about talking to you.

"Im breaking up with you." He whispered in a low tone, barely able to get the words over his lips. He could see your world shatter into pieces. Your expression dropped and a couple of dead moths fell from the ceiling, making Luke cringe away a little.

Finally, you broke out of your freezed and shocked state.

"What?! No, no, no, no." You said, tears dwelling up in your eyes. Luke tried to pull his gaze away from you and turned around to the cabin door. There formed a single tear in his eyes too. He hated seeing you cry.

You grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to face you. "Why would you break up with me?" You sobbed. Luke looked at you irritated, trying to keep his sadness down. "You deserve someone better than me." He grumbled under his breath. You pushed him against the wall by his shoulders angrily.

"I wanted our kids to have your eyes." You yelled at Luke, tears streaming down your face. "What?" Luke asked, suddenly taken aback. You violently tried to whip the tears from your face, smearing some dust onto your cheeks.

"Our kids need to have your eyes!" You sobbed and suddenly Luke wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close to him. You tried to push him away but he kept you in his embrace. After a few seconds, you stop trying to free yourself and let your head fall against his chest.

At first you thought Luke was crying too, from the way his shoulders were moving up and down in a quick, steady rhythm but soon you noticed that the bastard was actually laughing.

"I hate you." You mumbled between a few sniffs. "I know." Luke whispered, there was a light chuckled in his voice that he failed to swallow down. "Thats okay. Its what i deserve."

"Luke Castellan, i hate you so, so much. We will meet in Tartarus if you dont quit the bullshit right now." You weakly slapped his chest. "But i love you. Please, this was not real?" Your sobs died down as you leaned against his chest.

Luke swallowed heavily and finally, after a long moment, shook his head. You exhaled and sobbed again, this time because of the relief rushing through your body.

You leaned up to wrap your arms around him too, holding him close. You buried your hand in his hair and made him look at you. "You were kidding, right?" Luke nodded hesitantly, worried you would make some more dead animals fall from the sky.

You wanted to slap Luke. But that is not what you do to your boyfriend, at least not right now. Instead you rested your head on his shoulder and rubbed your tears dry on his tshirt.

"Hey." Luke complained, trying to push you off but you pressed him against the wall and continued to use him as your personal tissue paper. "That's your punishment, you idiot." Luke carassed your hair and let you go on with you drying your tears.

"Why did you do this?" You asked. Luke looked away, ashamed that he actually thought this was a good idea. You put a hand on his cheek and made him look at you. "This is not what i think about it is, is it?" You asked with a shocke expression.

Luke nodded slowly, lowering his gaze. You sighed and leaned against his forehead. "I really love you, otherwise i wouldn't keep you as my boyfriend. Luke nodded slowly, accepting.

"Luke?" "Mhh?" He hummed. "Will you be my boyfriend again?" You asked. A slight smile crept up on your face but you tried to hide it to not let Luke win just right away. Luke chuckled, his mood becoming a little better again. "If you truly want that." You groaned and bumped your head on his shoulder a few times.

"Just say yes, you morron." "Yes." He whispered. You pet his hair a little. "Good boy." You grinned at Luke, who now rolled his eyes. "But i am not having children with you until we both got a job." He argued but it ended up in a laugh. He was laughing at the absurdity of this situation.

Now it was you rolling your eyes. "Fine. Reasonable." You grumbled and pouted at him a little. Luke smiled and wrapped his arms around you extra tight. "Did you mean it? My eyes, really?" He asked. You huffed.

"I was never before this serious in my life." You stated firmly. Luke leaned forward to kiss the tip of your nose. You scrunched your nose sweetly and peppered his face with small kisses.

"So... if i mess up you will throw dead animals at me?" Luke asked mockingly, as you pulled back. You grumbled and slapped Luke's chest again.

"If you dont cut the bullshit, i will stuff a dead rat into your pillow case."

[zwhoreo]

Luffy would be a fun lovable boyfriend, but I just know that he would be a bit forgetful and even selfish with reader’s needs.

The kind of boyfriend that you tell him not to do something, and he's like "ok :)" but proceeds to do what you said not to do. But at the end he apologizes and promises not to do it again when he sees your sad face.

tysm for the request!! this story ended up being so alabasta-coded in its themes because I looove alabasta

broken promises - luffy x gn!reader

angsty fluff

summary in request. whenever you dock on new islands, luffy runs off without telling you where he’s going, or saying goodbye. even though you’ve made him promise to a million times.

words: 1.6k

________________________

He means so well, and he tries in so many ways, very hard, like how he’s the first to help you or defend you if you’re upset or in pain, how he holds you at night (and all the time), he puts your needs first in nearly every way but for the life of him he can’t remember half the things you tell him, even if you beg and cry about it, even if it distresses him and fills his heart with guilt in the moment, he has a hard time remembering.

Like how he never tells you where he’s going, or when he’ll be back, and how he doesn’t say goodbye.

Last time, he ran off without telling you and even though the rest of the crew assured you he’s alright, he’ll do fine on his own, stop worrying, you felt off and you did worry and you got a lecture about trust. But in the end, it was Sanji who dragged Luffy back to the ship, because he’d fallen into the ocean by accident when he was exploring the docks across the island and it was only because Sanji happened to be at the waterfront getting supplies that he was rescued.

This, of course, upset you greatly. You weren’t angry with Luffy at first, only so grateful that he was ok. You helped him take a warm shower to soothe his frozen nerves, you fed him, you cuddled with him in bed even though he complained a bit that he wanted to keep exploring. But then you started crying because you felt heartsick inside and he grew quiet, he wanted to cry too, he said he was sorry as he fidgeted in his seat and didn’t really meet your eyes because he felt extremely bad and didn’t know how to help.

But you went easy on him because you were reminded of how easily he could be gone, in just the briefest moment. So you held his face in your hands and told him it’s ok, it’s alright, just don’t do it again. You made him promise.

____________________

You’re finally on another island, now. You’re all sick with boredom and you can’t wait to stretch your legs and be on solid ground, and so does Luffy. You’re all standing on the deck and talking about what you’re going to do that day, if you should go out to eat first, who is going to buy supplies. But before you can even turn to him, Luffy is jumping off the ship and shooting away into town, not saying goodbye or telling you where he’s going or anything, absolutely anything, that you had made him promise to do.

And this is made more frustrating because the day before you had cornered him in a hug on the deck and said “when we get to the island can you please, please tell me where you’re going first?”

And with a happy smile he nodded and said, “ok!” and pressed his face against your cheek as a signal of what you thought was a promise.

But now you’re left totally speechless and near tears because he just left, not thinking about anything but himself.

And in the back of his mind somewhere, Luffy knows that he should have said something to you and at least given you a goodbye kiss, but it was just so much easier not to say anything and he’d see you tonight, anyways! And he wanted to go have fun and he would really, really try not to fall in the water this time, definitely.

But he doesn’t know that now you’re sick to your stomach and don’t even want to go on the island anymore. He doesn’t know that when Nami smiled and rolled her eyes and told you, “[name], he’s gonna be fine, just relax,” you told her to shut up which got her (and Sanji) really angry at you and now you feel worse.

Zoro snaps at you too, thinking less of you right now that you’re supposedly doubting Luffy’s ability to fend for himself, a he’s not a child, worrying’s not going to do you any good.

Trying to lift your spirits, Usopp asks if you want to go out to dinner with him, and you agree even though you’re not hungry. It starts in awkward silence as you two walk, which really isn’t like you, but once you sit down and start eating Usopp really tries to take your mind off things and soon you’re laughing and talking like your normal self over an enjoyable local dinner. Until, while telling you a funny story you haven’t heard before, Usopp mentions Luffy. And you get sad and upset again and get in a state of “please I need to go find him now.”

Usopp needs to go but you run into Chopper who agrees to help you look, you walk around the town together and your nerves are tearing you up inside. It’s now been hours since you’ve seen him, evening darkens and you’re praying for any sign that he’s near, you’ve worked yourself up and thank god Chopper isn’t reprimanding you, at least.

But you’ve looked for so long, now, and Chopper says he’s really sorry but you should just go back to the ship and wait, Luffy’s gonna be fine and he’ll definitely be back soon.

But you really, really don’t want to go back to the ship. So with a lump in your throat you tell him that he can go, but you’re going to sit on that hill over there for a while and be alone. He agrees, a little sad that he can’t do more.

You go and sit in the grass and cry quietly, frustration and worry creeping over you. Trust is the most important thing in this relationship, why is this so hard for you all of a sudden? But no, that’s not it, why wouldn’t Luffy do the simplest thing you asked him to? You have so many emotions spinning in your mind that you don’t notice the voice at first.

“[NAME!]”

And you hear running footsteps, sandals stumbling over the path in a hurry to get to you. You’re knocked into the ground by a tight, sudden hug, Luffy’s lips connecting with your cheek, tumbling over you and quickly swiping your face with his palms to wipe your tears.

“Don’t cry! I’m right here!” He’s inches away from your face, gazing into your eyes. He’s grinning, but an I want you to be ok and smile too type of grin.

“Luffy…” You throw your arms around his neck, overtaken by a temporary rush of relief and joy to see him, quelling your stress at last, the knot leaving your stomach.

“Chopper saw me and told me you were upset, oh [name] please don’t be sad, I didn’t mean to make you cry… I love you so so much…” He climbs into your lap and presses his body to yours.

“I’m really mad at you,” you whisper against his neck, “Luffy, what did I say you had to do?”

“Um…” He looks at you searchingly, but when he sees the sadness and hurt in your eyes he feels truly awful and everything comes back to him. “I… I should’ve told you where I was going, and said goodbye… I’m really sorry.” He leans in to give you another kiss on the cheek, and this time he stays there, breathing softly, quietly against you.

“You said that last time, you promised…” You feel your face getting flushed with frustration.

“I’m so sorry… I wanna be better, I wanna try!” Luffy grabs your shoulders and gazes into your eyes again, eyebrows knit. “I wanna be a really perfect boyfriend to ya, I’m sorry for being no good at it.”

You lean into him, your tears still aren’t quite over. “You are perfect, I just… I need more communication, please? Please, can you try?”

“Mhm! I really promise this time! I wanna make you really happy, ok? Here, look, all day I was tryna find something for ya…” He reaches carefully into his pocket, still looking at you, and he pulls out a pastry wrapped carefully in wax paper.

It smells so good, like warm raspberry and roses, he puts it in your hand and it crinkles into your palm. You unwrap it and it’s from a fancy bakery in town, you realize, and he must’ve bought it for you with his own money. He hadn’t even tasted it, it’s perfectly intact, you know that’s a big deal for Luffy, how he was able to control his restraint for warm food just to give you a nice gift he thought would make you happy.

“C’mon… eat it and you’ll feel better. You can have the whole thing…” he murmurs, rubbing your thigh gently.

“Thanks, Lu…” And you settle against him while he holds you, and you eat in small bites because you’re still emotional and fragile right now. “Hey Luffy?”

“Hm?” He’s sitting behind you now, he rests his chin on your shoulder.

“I really appreciate you. I love you a lot, I just want you to know that…”

“I know,” he says quietly into your ear, and you can hear his smile. He squeezes your hand and you fall into comfortable silence, there on the hill as the sky fills with stars.

[yashiro-arisugawa]

Fav Love and Deepspace OSTs

Not ranked, I just listed them randomly; will update when I find more cool ost

So many memories tied to these OSTs, esp the event ones 🥹

Gravity of Spacetime

Its so beautiful bro, I always smile so hard when I hear it and it just makes me so happy 🥹🥹 I always imagine this playing in the background when mc and Foreseer dance in the library under the soft snow

Entwined Shadows

I always listen to entwined shadows when I feel sad cuz it makes me sadder so my original sadness doesn't feel as sad

This was the first multi banner I experienced and I was pretty sad I didn't get Zayne's snowy serenity, because I was f2p back then and only got Raf. I was also in a pretty rushed headspace because I had to get some documental shit done so this event felt like I went by in a jiffy and I couldn't even grind to try for Zayne. I'm kinda still salty about not getting it but I will wait for rerun cuz that's all I can do about it anyways

Lol but besides not getting the card I REALLY wanted, it just sounds kinda sad by default to me. Like again, piano and violin tgth and I'm sold on it. It sounds sad to me because when I hear it, it feels like "after so many life times, in this one, we could share a kiss" if that's not sad then what is

In the Ocean Depths

This one is the definition of ocean/ deep sea. You can NOT tell me it doesn't sound like you're in Lemuria. I don't even know how to describe it, it just sounds like forlon waters which holds millions of memories. They used to have this on Raf's desk/ with him page but then they changed it to the another goofier one (Fish in Hand perhaps?)

Sometimes I go to Raf's falling for you page just to listen to this ost since I don't have the affinity level to unlock the actual ost

Dawn of Heavy Snowfall

If they play this during Zayne's finale my soul will rest in peace for the next 20 lifetimes. The title is so beautiful and so apt for the OST. It sounds so innocent but sad in the beginning but when the violins swell it sounds like "finally, after all the hardships, it was all worth it, we finally made it through, and triumphed over and endlessly looping tragic fate". That ONE part where the violins swell and the strings come on has me levitating man.

I remember crying so hard when I read Zayne's anecdotes, esp the Medic of the Arctic one where this one specifically is from, I soaked my pillow and t shirt and even my glasses were dripping with tears

Beyond Time

I don't see xav romantically as an LI cuz he's not my type but I still really like him as a chara and his lore. When I read his lightseeker myth this ost was in my head rent free for at least a week if not more. It has this "cosmic serenity" vibe to it, sometimes it feels like a fever dream to me

Mysterious Shadow

Sounds really Sci-Fi and gives those classy, sophisticated heist kinda vibes. Well it IS a Sylus ost after all. I stay extra long on Sylus tender moments/ secret times pages just to listen to it for a bit longer

Misty Invasion

Lmfao whenever I listen to misty ost all I remember is how that banner brought out the most desperate and down bad side of me which I never knew. That was the banner that made me start spending on lads. I bought some event packs but I hadn't invested in aurum then so I started getting distressed dreams about not getting the cards I wanted 🤣 most stressful and horny banner so far

It also makes me really nostalgic because this was the last LaDS event I experienced back in the comfort of my own home, my own couch, my own city, my own country, before I had to move to another country for my Master's. Misty really was an era in itself

I also really like the OSTs that play in Raf's Ebb and Flow bond and the one in Zayne's Fleeting Sweetness Tender Moments

Infold needs to put all their OSTs on yt or Spotify or smth. I wonder why they haven't done it yet cuz it would get them a decent amount of money just from us being obsessed with how beautiful the music is

[the-desert-beast]

I am experiencing ✨symptoms and pains✨ today, so guess who's lore im going to post about for cartharsis you only get one guess think real hard about i- yeah its maelgwyn. Ages ago i presented a silly lore thought for gwyn's x trahearne ship. about how trahearne would coax maelgwyn into actual self-care over the course of their relationship. (maelgwyn thinks that swigs of bourbon or whiskey + walking it off are perfectly acceptable solutions to most problems including mental ones up until he starts actively trying to improve.) The original cute silly thought was that trahearne gifts a skeptical maelgwyn a big fuckoff teddy bear since gwyn's so goddamn snuggly already. it requires coaxing and teasing to get him to give sleeping with the bear a chance but once he does he realizes trahearne was right and this is a great idea that helps him sleep better and improve his posture. the next is weighted blankets which once gwyn finds ones he likes, he cannot sleep without them. (i imagine that since lysyldur is also a twi-vari, he is the weighted blanket for that ship. ) Maelgwyn's secret 'bloom cycle' and his general disorder symptoms are entirely based on my traumatized and unmedicated PMDD ass. Maelgwyn's typical cycle of 'mania' (read: ecstatic normalcy) > brain fog, depressive habits (lack of motivation, lack of clarity of mind, inability to routinely eat, bathe, drink or sleep.) > self-destructive adrenaline high seeking with disregard of if he lives or dies, all of that was based on, then embellished from my own cycle. of, 1 week of no brain, 1 week of severe emotional swings & depressive symptoms, 1 week of the blood, one, entire week, out of every, goddamn month. of feeling like a normal functioning person. Which brings me to the combo of these thoughts: Maelgwyn is banned from finding a medication (because for him, the cause is not actually hormonal entirely it's mostly him responding to his pre-existing issues which are mostly* in his control to fix. * except for the difficulties surrounding the endeavor of fixing it himself: he spends most of his decades up to present unable to fix it for situational and mental reasons.) anyway- my very blorboized trahearne would absolutely devote a week to being there for his massive idiot husband who swears, up and down, that he is fine. remember maelgwyn is the sort of man who refuses to admit the emotional needs he has, ("to want is to be shot on sight," the baby bunny inside his skull squeaks.) What he needs, is indeed, to ugly cry into his boyfriend's chest and then indulge in favorite foods and warmth. In turn Maelgwyn isn't quite as good with emotions or words as most of his partners across ships tend to be, but he is absolutely not emotionally unavailable to them. if they have a request he is ready to fulfill it, if they want a specific meal by god he'll have it ready to serve in half the cooking time, twice the delectable flavor, if they need a weighted blanket his entire 500 pounds is ready to squish and purr at them under the sunlight and blankets. He's already in the habit of surprising his beloved with gifts- whenever he sees something he thinks they'd like- doubly so when they seem bothered or upset, and trahearne is no exception. He doesn't keep his money around for it to just sit there, he's spending it on making his Starlight feel better immediately. What he excels at is touch. Words are hard, but kissing their palms and massaging their back and shoulders is easy, his hands were made for them after all. (he might sneak a kiss or a love bite to their neck or shoulder blade of course.) And though words are hard for him, he'll fight his own mind to offer words of affirmation if he knows that's what his starlight would benefit from most of all. At his core he aims to improve himself for his loved ones most of all, his Self second. When his partner is distressed Maelgwyn is the soft quiet black cat which curls up next to them, purring, in a quiet offer of solidarity and comfort.

[mkeyztrm]

🌟Anytime

cw: kissing 🤢🤕

summary: After having a (drunk) meltdown at a party, you and your at the time boyfriend Christopher part ways due to the hurtful words you had both shared. A few months end up passing by and you still can’t shake the thought of him. Somehow, even after all this time you’re still attracted to him, and only him.

You’re on your way home from 7/11 whenever you make out a figure walking towards your doorstep, this out of pocket incident then turns into something more.

——————————————————————————

“Anytime

Anytime

All the time in the world for-”

*

You absolutely adore Christopher, he’s on your mind everyday. Whenever you go to switch your thoughts onto something else, you always catch Chris being your main thought. No matter how hard you try, he’s always there in the back of your mind.

But you’re done trying to get him out of that void you call your brain, you don’t want him out. Not yet. Realizing that in truth he’s all you want, all you desire.

Now, no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to find the right time to contact him.

That is until tonight, when you’d least expect it.

“I've been putting too much pressure on the weekend

Think it's time, I spent a Saturday at home unrehearsed”

With your eyes aimed down towards your shoes like a dog in distress, you find your way to the local 7/11 directly down the road from your little cottage home that you had bought on your 19th birthday. Though small, that house is overflowing full of memories you wish you could’ve held onto longer. Hopefully this big gulp(gulpthisdiieekkkk😼) cherry slushie can drain out those reminders.

After paying and getting situated you walk out of the store and take a moment to put your wallet in your backpack.

When you had left your home the sun was just then setting, which had left the area in a golden hour lighting.

But now, the sun is gone and the moon has risen.

You look up to see an airplane gliding across the dark lit up night sky, embracing millions of stars and its bright moon was bolded with its crescent phase. Once the plane passes by, and after observing the gorgeous starry sky, you decide to start your little walk back to your home.

Nearly midway towards your house, you notice a dark figure who’s taller than you and has a very masculine build walking up to your doorstep. Confused, you look around your tree filled surroundings as a sense of comfort, or to ground yourself from all the thoughts racing through your head once again.

Upon getting closer and the figure becoming more visible, you recognize the boy. His hoodie that he had on wasn’t his, it was yours.

“I’ve got nothing to say, turn some pages until my eyes go long.

Listen to you sing your song”

your body freezes suddenly, as words begin to erupt out of your mouth.

“christopher? what are you doing here alone at 9 pm??”

Your heart begins to race as he turns around to face you, his face presenting a shocked yet nervous expression which made your heart feel slightly warm too.

“oh. uhhh.”

He pauses, looking around for reassurance before gently tucking his left hand into his hoodie pocket and reaching his other hand up to his neck, just below his hair.

“i came to talk things out with you, and mmm. i want to give you a genuine apology, y/n. But, I’d like an apology as well.

He sounded proud of himself when he said the last part. You’re proud of him too, honestly. You’ve never really heard him sincerely stick up for himself.

“I’ve already forgiven you, chris. you’ve done nothing wrong, you only did what you felt needed to be done in the present of that moment.”

You wanted to cry, but so did he. Now you had to hold yourself together or else you’d both be a crying mess. Plus your makeup is on point today, you can’t mess that up. Can’t have mascara running down your face. That mascara was freshly put on not even 2 hours ago and it is NOT going to waste.

You take Chris up on to your small, circular front porch and gesture him to sit down towards the top step.

as you both get settled, chris starts speaking again.

“It’s not that I want an apology, i just want what happened to be explained through your view.”

You freeze in shock, that’s it???? After a few breaths and trying to gain your thoughts, you start off explaining.

“We were both drunk, I had a little too much to drink, and i couldn’t control my words. I felt sick and so i guess I started word vomitting hard, which upset you from how sudden and stern the words were. I was overwhelmed from all the loud noises that your brothers were making while they were playing Mario Kart or something so I unpurposely hurt your feelings because im unsure how to maintain my emotions and took them out on you.”

“ That’s a lot more words, y/n. Somehow though, point proven. Neither of us were in the wrong completely and we were just drunk idiots. I was more of an idiot due to my selfish reaction but I don’t want to argue with you y/n.”

Chris reaches his arm to your shoulder and gently pulls you close to him, bringing you into a hug. Now, you’re directly next to him with your head nearly touching his. You glance over at his teary eyes, and he sticks to watching the sky.

“Beside her all the way even when we fight, can't help but know that everything's alright.

Listen to you and hit the light”

After sitting in 8 minutes worth of silence and without hesitation, you slide your hand up to his face and rest your hand over his cheek. You feel his face slightly light up and grow warmer as he turns to you in genuine confusion.

“i thought you said you’ve moved on a while ago?”

You just looked at him and nodded your head in denial before tightening your hold on his face and going in for a kiss that only he would return with the same energy, showing his feelings of longing for you.

After you both slowly move your heads back, you catch yourself smiling and beginning to laugh.

“so are you still mad at me or no…?”

—

Anytime

Anytime

All the time in the world for

Do you feel behind?

We've got time

All the time in the world for

the middle picture made me die 😭

sorry this wasn’t long or eventful, i used up like all my motivation in the first paragraph or two and then I got hit with writers block like a whole bus 💔

this is also only my second fanfic I’ve written so um. sorry it’s if it’s horrible 🚶

[hierophantmeme]

Masquerading Hearts

Corazón x Reader

Part 1- A Mystery Beneath the Makeup

Read part 2 here | Masterlist

Notes

I started writing this as a bigger piece but I need to figure out some lore first. Some of the snippets I am publishing have been edited to make sense as standalone pieces but there is still a story going on overall.

Once I get everything sorted out, I will post it as one whole piece on AO3 once I figure out how to use it.

Content contains: first-person POV, no y/n, slowburn

Reader is: Short, plus-sized, insecure

Summary: After a distressful day, you seek out your favorite hiding spot only to have it discovered by none other than your bully (and your favorite person to bully), Corazón. However, that may change soon after.

A year had passed since the day I became a member of the Donquixote Pirates. Corazón, my commander, was still as clumsy and mysterious as ever. And as annoying as ever. Even though I wasn’t a child, he kept throwing me around like one, but with the help of Baby 5 & Buffalo, I’d always gotten back at him for it. Doflamingo, my captain, had taken me in because I had nowhere else to go. He also wanted to help me train my devil fruit powers. I had eaten it not knowing what a devil fruit was. I just stole it from some pirates because I was starving. 

When I first met Doffy, I activated my powers in sheer fright, but haven’t been able to do so since. We hadn’t found a breakthrough yet, but he was persistent. He wouldn’t even tell me what its name was cause it would supposedly compromise our location and its abilities could be misused. He was beginning to grow frustrated with me, but felt I still had potential. That’s why he unofficially appointed me as the babysitter, which I didn’t mind. I liked it better than doing the captain’s dirty work, but I still felt like a failure. 

I’m glad that I found a family that didn’t try to get rid of me, but my self-esteem here got way worse. Being surrounded by so many cool people with amazing powers they could improve over time made me feel worthless. I felt like I had to work ten times harder to feel like I’d made any progress. When everyone was asleep or doing their own thing, I would sometimes sneak off and do some of my own training. I couldn’t stop until I had perfected my moves which took months most of the time. 

While I still held a grudge against Cora for treating me like he did, I couldn’t help but admire him. He was the only family member who didn’t have powers and was an uncoordinated mess but he still accomplished his tasks despite that.

Being overweight and short was not ideal, although at least not being as tall gave me some advantages. Even if I would never be able to look intimidating, when we couldn’t take the kids on missions I would be the one to slip through security without anyone noticing. I could also hide behind things a lot easier than the others. Yet, even with all the reassurance from the other members and what I could help with, I still felt like a hindrance to them.

I also couldn’t help but feel connected to him. We would be the only two who would make mistakes during missions. Doffy would scold us, as one would expect, yet Cora always seemed to move on from it. Perhaps it was because he didn’t talk, but it looks like he didn’t let things get to him. I wanted to be like that, too, but I had no idea where to begin. One small mistake I made would replay in my mind for weeks. It was difficult, but whenever I had the chance, I would sneak off and find a place where no one could hear me cry. 

Today would be different, however. Doflamingo hadn’t sent me on any missions and Giolla was taking care of the children today. She noticed how distressed I’d become and suggested that I go on a walk. Immediately, I knew what I set off to my small little cave at the island’s eastern edge. It was hidden by many trees but had a clear view of the ocean. I found this spot about 6 months ago when I was planning to escape, but couldn’t bring myself to do so because I didn’t want to leave the kids. I found the cave, cried it out, then returned to the hideout. I was sure no one else would ever know of its existence. 

I sat down, buried my head in my knees, and all my tears gushed out. I decided to shift my position about five minutes later to a more comfortable one when I was startled by the presence of another human.

“AH!!!” I calmed down when I saw who it was. “My gods, Cora. You scared the shit out of me! And what the hell’re doing here? I thought you went on a mission with the others.”

He takes out his notebook and writes:

“Finished early. Was gonna take a walk then saw u.”

“Is anyone else with you?”

He shakes his head.

“So much for my secret hideout. How long were you standing there?”

“3 minutes” Corazón signs which is rare as no one in the family knew sign language. He would, however, teach us common words and phrases whenever he got the chance.

“Dammit, Cora. You shoulda said something. Now you know how much of a crybaby I am.” I say with a slight chuckle while rubbing my eyes.

He shrugs and mouths out the word “sorry” and then points to the spot next to me.

“You wanna sit here?”

He nods, I invite him in, and he walks over. Before he can sit down, he naturally takes his mandatory tumble. I usually laugh and call him names, but not this time.

“You okay? Ya need help?”

He shakes his head and composes himself. The tall, blond goofball takes a lighter and cigarette out. Before he lights it, he brings it to his lips and mouths out, “Are you okay?”

I shake my head and point to his burning feather coat. I laugh as he tries to put it out with his hand but then winces at how hot it is. He takes it off, sets it on the damp ground, and finally stamps out the flames. I watch intently as he shakes it off and then kneels beside me. The black-feathered coat that should’ve been reduced to ashes by now was gently placed on my shoulders.

Bewildered, I look over at him. He successfully sits down and removes his signature dark red hat. The sunset shines a shred of light into the cave and onto his face. It made his hair look shinier than any piece of gold in a pirate’s treasure chest. With his first cigarette lost to the dark floor of the cave, he reaches into his pockets for another one. The cigarette is carefully placed between his teeth with one hand and then uses the other to bring the flame of his lighter to it. A puff of smoke fills the small space. Usually, I’d be exaggeratingly coughing to let him know how much I hate the smell of cigarette smoke, but the sunshine highlighting his face had me in a trance. The way the colors of the blue face paint and red lipstick extended to his cheek blended together in the presence of the sun’s rays made him look like some kind of painting displayed on the walls of an ultra-classy museum. He was always quite frightening to look at, but at this moment, he looked inviting. 

As expected, he didn’t say a word, but neither did I. We just looked out at the crashing waves in silence. My thoughts were silent, too. No words were exchanged, but we had a mutual understanding. I knew at that instant that I could trust him. My worries disappeared knowing that I probably wasn’t completely alone in how I felt.

We sat there for almost half an hour before he put his hat back on and got up. Corazón took his coat off my back and held out a hand to help me up. He signaled for me to follow him and we headed to the hideout. My thoughts focused on the tall klutz next to me. After almost a year of using me as one of his three human dodgeballs (I’m surprised he didn’t do the same to little Dellinger) and not giving me much attention, why would he perform such a gesture now? Was there more going on in his brain than everyone thought? I think he might just be more mysterious than my devil fruit.

[epick-cluster-b-blog]

https://www.tumblr.com/epick-cluster-b-blog/751546470985056256/

hi, i have aspd + npd + other things. i do not feel empathy and dont even always understand whats going on with someone emotionally but still make an effort to whenever i deem it important, which is most of the time because i only really communicate with people i care about. the closest thing i feel to it is "this is something that makes this person sad" and then try and think about how i felt when i was sad about something, and then respond accordingly. i dont actually "put myself in someone elses shoes" i just link it back to something similar i've already experienced if i can. i try and keep an open mind when listening to people, and not get caught up in "well i just would/wouldn't do this"

if its someone i "dont care about", i have no idea what to do or how to respond. if you start crying in front of me my first thought will be "oh no i don't have the time for this right now" but i'll at least try to not make them feel any worse because that goes against my code.

it can be distressing sometimes but overall i like not having empathy, it saves me a lot more unnecessary emotional turmoil than i already experience and i can look at a situation without judging something by a pure gut reaction and think through it. it can be distressing because i can never tell what people are "truly thinking" and never know if they actually care or value me or not. i have very bad rejection sensitive dysphoria (alongside npd and bpd) so i tend to stress over these things way more than anyone else ive met does. most of the time i cant understand why the people around me choose to be around me because i cant "put myself in their shoes" and understand what they see in me. that part sucks.

thank you for the answer anon!

[jacksdinonuggets]

Agere fic!

Age regressor Amity had a fight with her mother but can relax with Eda and Luz.

Btw, im sorry to those who voted on the birthday thing, I got de-motivated.

After another fight with her mother, Amity was walking to the owl house. She needed to cope from everything going on and she felt like regressing was the best option. But she couldn’t do at the Manor, not with her mother and father there. She knew Luz and Eda were very accepting of it and told her she could come over whenever she was feeling upset or small. Luz was the most understanding in the whole thing because she also sometimes used it to cope as well. However, she was more of a caregiver than a little. 

Hooty noticed Amity looking upset when she came up to the house. He let her in without saying much and went to alert Eda that she was here.

Eda came into the living room with Luz and saw Amity curled up into a ball on the couch. They looked at each other with sympathetic looks on their faces, deciding on what to do and how to comfort the sad Blight. 

Since Eda keeps adopting kids and becoming a mother-figure to almost everyone, she decided that she would try to comfort the kid while Luz grabbed Amity’s little stuff that she kept in a spare bedroom. 

“Hey, kiddo,” Eda sat down next to the curled up blight. She wasn’t crying or anything, she just seemed distressed or sad.

“Wanna tell Mama Eda what happened?” She placed a hand on the kid’s shoulder. She didn’t seem to move away from the touch, so she wasn’t feeling an overload of senses. 

“She was being mean again…” Amity mumbled into her sleeves. Eda knew who ‘she’ was. It was clear she was talking about Odalia. 

“I’m so sorry, kid. But you’re here now, and you can relax while we take care of you,” She offered to the purple haired teen.

“How old are ya feeling?” Eda asked.

“Two or fwee…” She lisped.

“Alright, kiddo. Luz’ll be back any second with your stuff.” Eda assured the kid.

“Otay…” Amity curled in on herself further, looking ready to cry any second.

Not too long later, and Luz showed up in the living room, holding Amity’s Little bag. It was a big, cute, pink, fantasy themed bag. There were knights and dragons on it with castles and witches. 

“Hey, Bebe, I got your stuff!” Luz grinned, shaking the bag a bit before handing it to Amity. The sad girl got excited when she saw the bag and dug through it, finding her white and purple pacifier and plopping it into her mouth. She grabbed her stuffed demon that had tusks and looked sort of like a bear. It also had a cute shirt that said “Emotional support” on it too. Amity hugged it tightly and felt its soft fur. 

“Do you wanna play with your toys?” Eda asked, holding up the azura action figure that was inside the bag. Amity nodded, grabbed the figure and got onto the floor with her stuffy. Eda knew she would get bored of it easily, so she went over to the “little” closet. It was just a closet that had a bunch of communal little gear or just little items that couldn’t fit into a bag, like high chairs, diapers, staff booster seats, and other stuff. There were also a couple bags of toys like blocks and big versions of legos. She got the bag out and set it in front of amity. The witchlet saw it and got excited, opening up the bag and beginning to build with them. She tried to make a tall tower but it fell after it got too tall and didn't have a good base. 

When the tower had fallen down, it made a really loud noise, making Amity cover her ears. The waterworks started and she began to cry due to the startling noise. Her paci had fallen out of her mouth and she couldn’t suckle on anything. The pacifier was a huge comfort item for her and didn’t feel right to not have it. Luz had left to get Amity warm milk in her sippy cup a minute earlier, so Eda was the only one able to comfort her so she rushed to Amity’s side

“Hey, hey, its okay, sweetie, nothing is going to hurt you,” Eda pulled the little into her lap and began rocking her to try and calm her down. Luz came in right after she was done and gave Amity the sippy. She drank the warm milk and finally relaxed in Eda’s arms.

“Th-thankies, mama eda,” Amity mumbled into her shoulder. Eda smiled and stroked her hair.

“You okay now?” 

“Mhm! I wanna build a fowt now!” She crawled out of Eda’s lap and went towards the pillows.

“Ooh! I’ll grab some chairs for you and pillows from the closet!” Luz exclaimed before running over to the closet. She got a bunch of couch pillows and tall, hard pillows. She also found some chairs in the basement that they could use.

Luz returned with all the stuff and they began building. Amity was the main one building as she tried to shoo everyone away from the fort. But they knew she was just having a hard time asking for help (she tends to neglect her needs and wants while little and has a tough time asking for help). So they tried to build as much as they could while being as friendly as they could to her. 

Soon, they were done building and could go inside. Amity brought in her stuffies and blanket and got cozy in the corner of the fort. Luz put up a little lantern in it while Eda brought in snacks. Luz set up a cute disney movie on her phone for her and snuggled up with her.

Amity held her stuffy in her lap so they could see the movie too. She and Luz cuddled while watching it. She started to flap her hands around when the movie got to a really good part.

Eventually the movie ended and Amity was jumping out of her seat and stimming. She looked so happy and adorable. Eda and Luz were getting cramped while in the fort so they decided to probably take it down when Amity was napping. However, there was no way they could get her down to sleep now. So they figured she would get tired from playing pretend.

Amity, Luz, the stuffy, and Eda played pretend while waiting for her to get sleepy. She and her stuffy were two good witches and luz and Eda were bad guys during the game. It made Amity really happy to be able to do things like this. She was almost never able to play when she was physically younger. 

But soon enough she and her sidekick (stuffy) got sleepy. She didn’t even need to say that she wanted to take a nap, Luz and Eda already knew and helped her get changed into pajamas and a pull-up, just in case of any nighttime accidents. Since she was so sleepy, she didn’t realize that the two caregivers were taking down the fort and used a bunch of it’s pillows and blankets to make the couch more comfortable. Luz set up short vined walls on the edge of the couch so they could act like bed bumpers. Eda kissed her and her stuffy’s forehead before shutting off the lights to let the little have a sweet and peaceful sleep.

[multiplicity-positivity]

[content warning: suicide] hi. you don't have to write a whole thing for this if it would be harmful to you obviously, but we've been trying to find some advice for this and don't really know where 2 look. we have at least 3 headmates who, like, their Role Thing seems 2 have become Being Suicidal. they have personalities under this but their sui thoughts overwhelm it. all they talk about is sui. all they seem to think about is sui. we want 2 support them but its v scary when someone just turns everything u say into how they can use it to commit sui. theyre not in danger of doing this 2 the body, but its still really upsetting and we want them 2 be ok. its overwhelming and we dont know how to begin to help them. if u/ur followers have any thoughts on this it would mean a lot. ty

Yipes, this post got long and heavy. It’s under a cut…

Woof, yeah, we really relate to y’all here… we feel you and we understand your struggles. I am actually one of the parts in my system who struggles with suicidal ideation the most. I have been pulled from the front and blocked off from the rest of my system in the past because of my struggles with feeling suicidal almost constantly. I’m still learning, healing, and trying to change. It’s a process. But I do think I’m in a better place now than I was, say, two or three years ago.

So yeah, um, idk how much anything I could say might help… but here’s some stuff that helped me find at least a little more hope in life.

First, it really helped me and deeply affected me when my headmates could be real with me about how my thoughts, words, and actions were affecting them. I felt hurt and moved when they started saying things like “I value life and I value your life. It hurts my feelings and makes me distressed and upset when you bring up suicide all the time.” Or “When you talk about suicide so much it makes the rest of us nervous and uneasy. The littles don’t want to be around you as much because your nonstop resorting to suicide as a solution seriously frightens them.” Idk but for me, having these gentle, yet stern, reminders from my headmates whenever I was bringing them down helped me to start noticing when I was doing it. It can be a hard realization to have that your own thoughts and feelings can have such drastic effects on your loved ones… both inside and outside your system.

Next, having a place where I can talk about suicide or whatever has been bringing me down as much as I want also helps. I really miss therapy because I was able to just vent and cry and be vulnerable with my therapist, and he listened without judgement and without trying to force me to act in one way or another. I also have my own private journal separate from the rest of my headmates. I vent there a lot and make dark art, talk about suicide and what it really would mean for myself, my system, and my loved ones. Usually after I’ve had a chance to scrawl out everything I’m feeling, it helps me feel a bit better and a little less suicidal.

Also, getting reminders of things that I actually do enjoy has helped immensely. Yeah, I’m a suicidal part, but I also like ice cream and dandelions and music. So whenever I start spiraling and getting in a super suicidal headspace, the parts who front with me or interact with me have been encouraging me to go breathe outside for a while, or eat a tasty treat, or listen to some music that I adore. One of the littles in my system drew me a picture of a dandelion lion lol. If you know anything at all that your suicidal headmates enjoy, maybe try connecting them with those things when they’re at their worst. Make some art for them, surprise them with something small and joyous, and do little things to show them that you care about them, you value their presence in your life, and you want them to be able to find joy, even if it’s just in the little moments.

Over time, for me, those little things have built up. At my therapist’s request, I’ve started keeping a list of things I like. The more I think about it, the longer the list grows. This list of things I enjoy… that’s my list of reasons to live. It’s got stuff on it like my partner system, cookies and milk, beautiful sunsets, swimming, and things like that. Maybe you can encourage your headmates to each start lists of their own. Even if they don’t have anything they think they can add right now, at least they’ll have the space for it. And then in the future, whenever their spirits are lifted, even if it’s fleeting, they can begin to start noticing that there are things in the world that can bring them happiness.

It’s definitely a process. I still get suicidal from time to time. But I do really think that these things have helped me reach a better place. And maybe something here could be useful for your system when it comes to connecting with your suicidal headmates. We really do feel for you, and I honestly do know what it’s like to be hopeless and lost, feeling worthless all the time and like suicide was the only answer. But it’s not. And I know you know that… but hopefully your headmates can start to recognize that in the future.

One last thing - staying alive for someone else is totally valid! Staying alive for your favorite show or characters is valid! Staying alive for treats and snacks is valid! Staying alive because the alternative will hurt someone you care about is valid! One day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Y’all will make it to a place where your suicidal headmates are able to find joy in their life. I have full faith in that. And if you need a listening ear or any advice or if there’s anything at all we can do to help y’all through this process, please let us know. We may not be a qualified mental health professional… but please trust us when we say we are a system who understands.

I’m sorry if this post got rambly, isn’t useful, or doesn’t make much sense. Seriously though, I am wishing you all the very best, and from the bottom of my heart I do hope things will get better.

[the-sleepy-conductor]

Ok this has been sitting in my mind for a little over a year bc I'm still trying to piece it all together but I offer you: Submas OneShot AU

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF ONESHOT DOWN BELOW

Of course Ingo is the one to get sent to the OneShot world with the task from Arceus to return that world's sun. But of course the Entity tells the player that their only mission should be returning Ingo home, and ignore Arceus' orders.

As Ingo travels throughout the world, he meets many different people on his journey. I'm still trying to figure out which Hisuian characters should take the role of which OneShot characters but still.

And just like the game, there's beds scattered throughout the world in hidden rooms for Ingo to nap. In the game, Niko has dreams about their mother, but with this, Ingo has dreams about Emmet. (I forgot to mention there's no amnesia here) So whenever he wakes up he talks to the player about things back home and different things about Emmet. And yes he'll end up crying from homesickness and missing Emmet at the cafe, if the player lets him eat.

Once he's in the Tower, that's when the Entity will interfere and warn them that Arceus doesn't care what happens to Ingo. Arceus wants Ingo to save the world though the Entity still seeks termination. While traversing the World Machine's maze, the Entity will explain that if Ingo were to shatter the sun, the world would cease to exist and he could go home back to Emmet, which is all the Entity really wants for him. But if he returns the sun atop of the Tower like Arceus wanted, there's no telling what will happen to him. He would either die or end up trapped in the world with all his memories of Emmet.

Ingo becomes distressed once the player reveals that information while in the elevator. He feels sick to his stomach, not wanting to kill an entire world just to see his brother again, but at the same time his heart is breaking at the thought of never going home.

And then there's the famous Return The Sun or Return Home choice that the player has to make, because Ingo is so torn that he's starting to shut down.

But it doesn't end there! I'm of course adding the Solstice ending into this, because we can't have unhappy endings like that! I'm still figuring out how it all plays out but Ingo does eventually encounter the Entity in the World Machine and speaks with Arceus as well. Ingo convinces the Entity to keep going for everyone's sake, and talks with Arceus to see if there's a way it can help the Entity remember its broken code for a good ending.

And that good ending comes. Ingo is able to return the sun and keep the world alive, and he gets to say his final goodbyes as he is transported home. The player can see Ingo running off towards Emmet, and excitedly tells his brother about the adventure he just went on.

Also, old art of when I first thought of this:

So yeah I'm not exactly cooking but I thought I'd throw this out here bc it's rotting my brain.

[xticklemeemox]

The Love You Want: II: Part Two

Masterlist

The Love You Want: I

Previous Part

Next Part

AO3

Word Count: 11,289

Tags: Self-harm, suicide, pining, vomit, religious themes, eye horror I guess?, if anything else, lemme know <3

I'm not terribly happy with it but i've been staring at it for far too long sooooo

After their talk of the bond, Vessel leaves II to shower and have some time to himself, and they don't see each other for the rest of the day. II assumes that they just haven't crossed paths, but it becomes clear when the next day is the same, and the day after that, that Vessel is avoiding him.

He can't stop the hurt at the realization, and goes to look for Vessel to ask why. To ask if he's done something to upset the other man. He isn't in his room, or the kitchen. Not the living room, or the practice room where II finally sees the drumset sitting in the corner. He doesn't stop to look at it, a little worried now as Vessel still hasn't shown up anywhere. There is nothing but calm over their bond, but that doesn't reassure II in the slightest, having seen Vessel's physical distress while the bond projected nothing but peace. The other man has clearly figured out how to hide his own emotions, and II starts looking a bit more frantically.

Its as II is looking around outside the manor that he feels it, the bond clicking off entirely. The emptiness swallows him whole.

Panicked, II calls out for Sleep's help as he goes back inside. "Sleep, where is he? Please, I- I can't leave him like this."

"The first is in no danger. He is in the bathroom, hiding, sick." The God replies in confusion, "Doing as he always does."

"What does that even mean?!" II replies, heading for the restroom that is in the back of the house.

He hears a single sob, and he would feel more embarrassed for the frantic knocking on the bathroom door if he hadn't heard the choked retching that followed.

"Vessel, are you alright in there? I- I felt you shut off the bond and got worried."

Worried does not begin to cover it. Such a simple word could never describe the agony of Vessel's presence just- disappearing. But II told him he could turn the bond off whenever he wished, and he isn't going to go back on that now, even when he still isn't sure that Vessel is even al-

"I'm okay."

It's small, and shaky, but Vessel's voice floods II with relief, just knowing he really was in that bathroom.

"I know you're not. Vessel, please, don't lie to me. Let me help you."

"No! You- You can't see me like this. You'll hate me, I'm already ugly, please- Please, II, just go away!" He begs, and II's heart shatters at his feet at the fear, the desperation in the other man's voice.

"I would never think you ugly, and I'm not leaving you Vessel. I'll stay here until you come out yourself." II turns to sit against the door of the bathroom, resolved to sit and wait as long as he needs to.

He refuses to leave Vessel to wither away in his sadness alone. Try as he might to omit it from the bond now, II felt it clear as day and he is never going to leave Vessel to deal with such misery alone if he can help it.

II sits there for hours, mask pulled up to expose his mouth, tapping out a beat on his thighs while he waits. Vessel had gone silent, but every once in a while, II is able to feel his presence move closer, then, once realizing II was still there, move away, the bond unable to hide that from him, at least. At some point, II begins talking about the music he enjoys, R&B and Pop, then explains in further detail how he got Elvira and all the ways she's gotten herself into trouble over the years. The cat herself comes and go's as she pleases, never staying for long.

Vessel never says anything, never makes a sound except for the disgusting noise of vomiting into the toilet. At one point, II is sure he heard the other man crying but its so faint, II isn't sure he heard right. Sleep leaves them alone, and II doesn't bother the God. They clearly thought nothing was wrong.

"Vessel, please let me in." II tries again, "Nothing I see will make me hate you. I could never hate you. I promise, please, I just want to help. I don't want you to shut me out."

There is no answer for awhile, and II is sure he will have to continue to sit and wait. Then, the vines on the walls quiver, and II hears a click. The lock has been turned. Standing quickly, he tries the doorknob and it turns in his hand easily. Breathing a sigh of relief, II opens the door and if his heart hadn't already shattered at his feet, it would've at the sight before him.

Vessel is kneeled over the toilet, black sludge dripping from his lips and splattered in the bowl. His mask is lain at his feet, face on full display, but it looks... different. It is white, line the other one, and yet the design is different. Where once there were two eye holes, now six sit, more slitted than the other mask and painted over by Sleep's sigil in a blood red. His hoodie is nowhere to be seen, only a simple black t-shirt and jeans.

There's blood everywhere, smeared over his mouth and along his cheek, small puddles and droplets on the floor, and a knife on the counter. Golden tears drip down his face from three pairs of eyes, all of them scrunched in pain. Two of them, the middle and bottom pair that sit below his usual set, smaller with each pair, bleed black like blood that mixes with the gold. The edges of those two pairs are red and irritated, any bloodshot veins invisible due to the black sclera. His arms are bleeding, just barely noticeable on the black of his arms that goes up past his elbow where tendrils of ink disappear into the sleeve of his t-shirt.

Eyebrows furrowed, Vessel's entire face is creased in pain, in terror. Vessel has heavy eyebags and dark circles, and the saddest eyes II has ever seen. There is no life in them, no spark, an empty void. There is no will to live.

When II sees him, the bond opens like a floodgate and the shorter man is struck with the sheer intensity of the emotions on Vessel's face, but also his self-loathing, his sadness. II moves quickly, too quickly by the harsh jerk back Vessel does to get away, the fear heightening along with the strangeness of expectation. Expectation for what, II is scared to know so he stops moving entirely. He focuses instead on keeping his end of the bond as calm as possible, trying not to overwhelm Vessel.

Vessel can't meet his eyes, though its clear he's trying to force himself to, and II is quick to reassure him its not necessary. II pulls up his mask to bare his lips and lower jaw, tries to keep a smile on his face, to reassure the other man, but it threatens to slip with every tear that falls from Vessel's eyes, every fearful glance at II's hands. Its breaking II's heart to see him like this. There is also anger, a small thing that II can't allow to grow right now for fear of Vessel thinking it was directed at him. If II ever meets whoever did this to Vessel he'd kill them. He swears it. Swears it on his soul itself, with the wrath of this life and every one after.

II hasn't known Vessel long, but II knows, without a shadow of a doubt that he deserved the world, that he didn't deserve whatever abuse made him this way.

He didn't deserve to feel so lowly about himself he actively cuts into his own arms.

"I'm sorry." Its strange to hear Vessel's voice without the barrier of the mask that muffled it a bit.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Ves, its okay. Its okay." Reaching forward, slower now and giving Vessel ample time to pull away, II takes one hand in his as Vessel lurches forward to puke into the toilet again.

His dark hair falls over his face, and II shuffles as close as he dares, using his available hand to pull it away and hold the soft, messy strands at Vessel's nape gently.

When that wave of vomiting is over, II asks in as gentle of a tone as he can, "Can I clean up your arms? You're still bleeding."

Vessel doesn't want to admit that he wants it to hurt longer, that he feels he deserves the pain. He used a power that wasn't his to use, and now he has two more pairs of fucking eyes. If Vessel wasn't ugly before, he certainly is now. He deserves the hurt, the pain, every moment of it. He would rather pull his own teeth out than admit any of this to II, who's had unshed tears in his eyes ever since he first laid eyes on Vessel's pathetic form.

He nods, and hopes the cleanup hurts. Can't wait for II to leave him alone so he can add more.

II gets out the medkit and silently laments having to use it so soon. It was only for emergencies, but II has the worst feeling that its something they'll need to stock up regularly.

He knows the antiseptic stings, and II can't stop the tears that shed as Vessel doesn't wince, doesn't make a sound, can't stop them when he feels so many more cuts than he saw before, not to mention the multitude of scars that are a darker shade of grey that he can barely see. II knows that if he hadn't gotten this close of a look, it would have taken ages to see, to notice, and it hurts that without this bond, he might never have known about the self-harm at all.

'Thank you, Sleep. I- I know I've only just met him, barely spent much time with him, but- Vessel- this bond, I can help him now, if he'll continue to let me. Thank you.' II directs his thoughts to Sleep's presence, hoping the God can hear him.

The answering brush against his mind, returned gratitude sent down the bond he shares with the God by simply being a vessel, tells him more than any words. Sleep did this on purpose, this bond between he and Vessel, bringing them together.

II wraps gauze around Vessel's arms, thankful that it wasn't his entire forearm this time, unlike where his scars tell him he's cut before. "Let's get you into bed. It's my turn to take care of you."

"No, no- you've done enough, please, I'm fine. I can make it back to my room on my own. I can take care of myself, II." Vessel tries to be stern, but he's still crying, voice broken and hoarse.

He stands, the bond slamming shut, feeling like its crashed down on II's beating heart instead of simply locking away Vessel's emotions, and II follows, trying to reason with him and keep his frustration well away from the bond. "Vessel, you're sick, let me help you."

Arms held out to catch him if he starts to fall, II follows behind Vessel as the other man stumbles out of the bathroom. He bumps into the wall, then the first step of the staircase after feeling his way to the steps with the banister pillars.

"I don't need help, I'm fine, II. I know how to take care of myself, I swear." Vessel stumbles, one hand on the rail and the other trying to shield his eyes. He misses a step and II winces at the sound of his knee crashing into the hard wood. Vessel doesn't stop, feeling his way up the steps now, the vines along the walls, baseboards, and banister reaching out and brushing his hands as he goes. His tears are leaving splotches of gold on his shirt and the steps.

II has had just about enough of this, trying his hardest to keep his voice level, to not raise it in his frustration, "You shouldn't have to take care of yourself all of the time, even if you know how! I want you to rely on me, I want to be someone you can trust."

It starts as a buzz of pain over the bond. As Vessel gets more upset, it heightens, the door of his mind creaking open with every passing moment, leaving more and more of his emotions bared for II again. Vessel wants to lay down and never wake up. Anything to get away from this.

"It's not that easy." Vessel moans, nearly to the top of the stairs now.

When II moves to help him stand, he jerks back as though burned and II frowns, devastated at this entire situation, "Why isn't it? I want to help you Vessel, but I can't if you don't let me in."

Vessel sobs, stopping just in the upstairs sitting room, pillowing his head on his arms. He doesn't know how to let II in, is scared to try, to want to try. Vessel has never been cared for, he doesn't know how to let himself be cared for. Ever since II got here, everything Vessel knew about himself and how he expected to be treated has been upended.

'My vessel, you asked to be loved.'

'What does that have to do with anything!?' He cries, frustration like a hurricane inside him, trying so, so hard not to crush into sand at the force.

II crouches beside him, gentle hands lifting him up though Vessel doesn't make it easy, dead weight dragging him down, but II is strong, almost- almost too strong to be normal.

'Let him love you.'

'He doesn't even know me! Once he sees- sees how broken I am he will leave.'

'My vessel, has he left yet?'

'No.' Vessel's voice is small as II leads them down the hallway to Vessel's room, holding most of his weight as Vessel sobs silently, his head aching like a battering ram was slamming against it. 'He saw my cuts- my new eyes. He- II saw me, behind my mask.'

'He did not leave you, and he won't. You have to trust him.'

'I trusted my parents to take care of me, my God. They did not. I trusted who I thought were friends, and they only cared about what I could do for them. I trusted each and every one of my partners and they all broke me into fractions that can never be repaired.'

'Do you think I would have chosen a vessel that would treat you wrong? You are my First, my dearest Vessel. I do not understand your human emotions, and even less the pain the species on your planet feel, but I would never choose to bring another human who I thought would hurt you. Let the second in, my vessel, and if he breaks you like the other humans in your life, I will break him in return. There will be no coming back from the damage I will inflict.'

II helps Vessel lay down, going to grab a t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. Vessel opens his eyes, squinting at the pain the action causes, at all the information overloading his brain. He can't see, can't process anything around him and his brain is melting- its going to melt right out of his ears-

Vessel's chest heaves and he chokes out a broken sob, suddenly so desperate not to be alone, but doesn't know how to ask. "II? I- I can't see you."

"What?" II is at his side in an instant, clothes tossed beside him on the bed.

With careful, slow movements, II takes his hands in his, "These eyes." Vessel sobs, "They're new. I- its like having triple vision- so much information, my brain, I can't think- it hurts. I can't see anything."

"It's alright Vessel, I'm sure its only temporary. Sleep wouldn't give you something you couldn't heal from. I'll be right back, I'm just going to get something to clean you up."

"Sleep didn't give me these. They said I gave them to myself." Vessel remarks quietly, wiping at his tears with the back of his hand.

It smears gold with the blood still on his face. All six eyes are closed now, Vessel giving up trying to see past the squinting, and golden tears clump his dark eyelashes together as they brush his cheeks. He truly is beautiful, II thinks. His voice, his visage, otherworldly almost, with the six eyes. He looks nothing less than a vessel for the divine, as tear stained, bandaged, and despaired as he is.

"They- You gave them to yourself?" II pauses at the door, not understanding, his confusion passing freely through the bond.

"Not on purpose. I- I used one of their powers that wasn't given to me at my creation, and apparently caused more of Sleep's essence to become entwined with mine, which led to more of their features." Vessel explains, a resigned expression on his face, but he doesn't regret it, not using his Gods power at least.

Not if it meant II was in far less pain.

II isn't sure what to say, so instead offers a reassuring smile and the sentiment that he'll be right back. He works quickly to grab cloths to wipe off Vessel's face, a plastic bag for him to puke in, and picks up his mask from the bathroom floor. It's heavy in his hands, but not from the weight. How much has Vessel hidden from him with this on? The man's face is an open book without it, though II can see he tries so hard to hide what he's feeling, but can't manage it like he can their bond.

II holds the mask to his chest carefully, like it will shatter if he even looks at it wrong. The surface is smooth and clean except for the designs, and II wonders if that is a testament to the sturdiness of the material or Vessel's care of it.

When he gets back to Vessel's room, the other man has sat up, shirt off and exposing his upper torso, and it seems he managed to get half into the pajama pants, though they sit barely above the knee and he looks as though he wants to collapse back onto the bed. There are tree-like markings, swirls and branches, like the ones on their arms, that reach over his shoulders and rest along his collarbones, with a few very small leaves, almost like the bough of a tree. Along his ribs, weaving between the bones, are branches that reach around from his back. A small sigil, like the one on the wall of the altar room and marks his mask, sits in the hollow of his neck, blood red like his eyes.

There are scars on both arms, but the ones on his thighs, and peeking over the waistband of his boxers are far more noticeable, thinner than the ones on his arms but stretching along the length of his hips. II tries not to stare, but he lets his sadness pass over the bond without restraint, painting a smile on his face.

"Do you need help getting dressed?"

Vessel's ears redden in embarrassment and the way his blush spreads over his cheeks and a little of his bottom pair of eyes is very cute. It's just- even as he blushes so prettily there's this air of hesitancy, of misery and shame. So much shame.

"Yes, please."

As II helps Vessel pull his pants over his hips, he tries his hardest not to let them brush against his scars. It does not reassure Vessel like he hopes. "I know they're disgusting..."

As close as he is to the other man, Vessel's whisper is heard clearly and II's heart has already been broken so many times today, but it can clearly be broken at least once more. He'll never be able to pick up the pieces at this rate.

"They're not ugly, Vessel. Your scars have never, and will never, disgust or even bother me in any way. They just- they make me sad, and I thought you might not want me to touch them is all."

Slipping the shirt over Vessel's head with a little difficulty, even as the other man tries to help, Vessel continues, sounding more and more upset again, "I don't understand why you are doing any of this, or why you never ask me to- to be quiet, to talk more, or demand I show my face. You're nothing like I expected. I don't understand you."

"I care about you, Vessel. It is that simple." II aims for soothing, but he knows that no matter how many times he says it, Vessel may never believe him.

"No one ever cared before you! I don't- II, I don't know how to handle you. You're so kind to me, I've never had anyone- please, tell me how to act. How do you want me? I can be silent, I- I can stay out of your way if you're in the room. You'll never even see me if that's what you want. I know how to be happy- or lifeless like a doll, if that's what you prefer. Just- please, I don't know what to do. You're always offering to help me with things or are so considerate of what I'm feeling, or might feel. I don't understand." Vessel cries and II wants to sob, to hold Vessel tightly in his arms and never let go.

Who destroyed this man so completely that he'd change his entire being just to please II?

"Can I hug you?" II asks, and is dejected when Vessel says no, so quickly II is almost shocked, but he accepts the answer and moves on, asking if he can hold his hands instead, to which Vessel nods.

"You don't need to change yourself for me. I want you exactly as you are, as yourself, no matter the circumstance."

"No one's ever wanted just me." Vessel whimpers, tightening his hold on II's hands. "I was never enough, I had to be exactly what they wanted for them to stay."

"Well, they were idiots who deserve to rot for the rest of eternity. You deserve to be yourself, to be loved and cared for as you are." II replies firmly, voice leaving no room for question, brows slightly furrowed under the mask.

It startles a laugh out of Vessel, a quiet huff of air and a small quirk of the lips that leaves II reeling at the majesty of such a small action. In a desperate bid to keep some control, II ignores how his admiration flows over the bond and causes Vessel's cheeks and ears to tinge red again, "You mind if I clean you up?"

The blushes on their faces deepen further, but Vessel seems to be thinking something over before finally coming to a decision and nods. II refuses to give thought to the way he misses Vessel's hand in his own as he pulls one away to work. The blood and tears come off with only a little, light scrubbing with a damp cloth. Vessel is unnaturally warm under his hands, which is unusual since II remembers he is usually quite cool to the touch. He is shivering as II hands him his mask. As it is handed over, it flickers, going translucent and back to solid repeatedly. Placing it on his face, the mask settles on a form that bares his mouth. Vessel cannot see it, but can feel the difference.

"Why did-" II starts, but stops as Vessel shakes his head slightly.

"Sleep told me it could do this, though this version of my mask is unfamiliar to me. I just- was too afraid to show you any part of me longer than a glance. I... I am still afraid." Vessel admits, keeping his eyes low.

Despite the words saddening II, it also gives him a little hope. Already, Vessel has opened up more to him. He supposes seeing someone at their worst means there is little reason to hide all the time.

II hums, helping Vessel lay down. He collapses into the only pillow on the bed, weak. Its time to repay Vessel the favor of caring for him while sick, though II wishes the other man didn't have to deal with any of this at all.

He wonders if it is related to the new eyes, or something else entirely. Wonders what Vessel did to gain them.

"It is okay to be afraid. Everyone is afraid sometimes, has something they're afraid of."

"I'm afraid of so many things that I fear you will give up on me once you see how truly weak I am." Vessel admits quietly, squinting up at II through blurry eyes that shoot pain through his skull every few moments.

"I will never give up on you." II states firmly, "Whenever you're afraid, you can come to me. I'll be there for you, Vessel, no matter what."

"I fear being a burden, so deeply that I ache with it constantly." Vessel sounds as though he's speaking through gritted teeth, like the words were being forced out of him, and II knows it must be hard for him to open up like this, but he appreciates it.

"Will you feel better if I burden you in return then?"

"You could never burde-"

"Let me finish, Ves." II admonishes gently, and is surprised that Vessel's answering flinch is small and not outright jerking away from II.

"I have nightmares of my death. It haunts me almost every night since I woke up from my transformation. When I wake, I can't stop shaking, can't stop crying until exhaustion kicks in. Can I come to you and keep you company whenever I have a nightmare?"

It's a lot to ask, II knows, when the other man is so adverse to touch that isn't holding hands, but II knows how to keep his hands to himself when it really matters. And he really does want comfort, desperately, when he wakes up and can still feel his lungs filling with blood, feel how it burns his throat and bubbles past his lips and can still remember the exact foggy blue of the sky above him as-

"II! II, its okay! Shit, I don't know how to comfort others..." There's a hand on his cheek, wiping away the tears under his eyes and seeping into his mask with gentle claws.

A soft, raspy humming fills the room as Vessel struggles to calm down the second vessel through a throat thick with tar.

II comes back to himself, leaning imperceptibly into the cool skin of Vessel's hands, though the other man still sweats and shakes with a fever.

"I'm sorry." II apologizes, feeling bad for getting lost in his own head when Vessel is suffering right now.

"If..." Vessel hesitates before steeling his resolve, even as his fingers tremble where it still rests on II's cheek, "If I cannot apologize for- for my reactions to things, then you cannot apologize for yours either."

II chuckles, leaning into Vessel's hand just a little bit more. "I suppose we'll work on our communication then."

"Your communication skills are- far, far above my own." Vessel says, and II lets his gaze linger on the other man's lips as he smiles.

The angel bites add to the pretty curve of Vessel's lips, and II forces himself to look away, lest his gaze lingers too long on his first real, non-delirious look at Vessel's smile, tired as it is. "I'll leave you to get some rest." II says, finally, after a few silent moments of just... existing with the other man.

II very carefully removes Vessel's hand from his cheek, bringing it up to his mouth in a not-quite kiss then places it gently down on the bed. As he goes to leave, that same hand blindly waves around trying to find any part of II he can grab.

"Can- can you stay here tonight?" Vessel's voice is small, hesitant, expecting outright rejection, "Y-you don't have to!"

His bond radiates hope, and who is II to kill it?

"I'd like that actually." II admits, "It hasn't been fun waking up alone with the taste of iron in my mouth and the phantom sensation of struggling to breathe through blood-filled lungs."

Vessel frowns, wishing there was some way he could help. He wonders if his new ability to put people to sleep means he could also influence the dreams they have.

II goes to get his pillow and figure out where Elvira has made off to, promising Vessel that he would come back. Even with that promise, II tries not to stay away long. As sad as it is, it is also endearing at how hopefully eager Vessel looked when II said he would be back soon.

If by some miracle from their God, II ever comes across the people who did this to Vessel, he's going to curb-stomp their fucking faces in.

The thought of violence on Vessel's behalf causes a stream of encouragement from Sleep. II lets out a small laugh as he changes into pajamas quickly. He picks up Elvira and squishes his pillow and blanket into his other arm as he makes his way back to Vessel's room. At least he and Sleep are in agreement on that regard.

Vessel lays in the same spot II left him, one arm slung over his eyes while the other rests at his side where II set it down. "Are you alright?" II asks, quiet, so as to not startle the ailing man.

"Head hurts." Vessel mutters, not moving an inch.

After II sets his things down on the other side of the bed, he lays a hand on Vessel's cheek, feeling the heat radiating from his skin, frowning at the temperature. "I'll go get some medicine from the store tomorrow. Try- try to rest your eyes and mind as much as you can."

Nodding minutely, Vessel says nothing, mouth pulled into a grimace as tears leak down his cheeks where his arm doesn't cover all of his eyes. II climbs into bed, pulling the blanket over both of them and holding Vessel's hand tightly, rubbing soothing circles on the top. Isn't there anything II could do for him?

II eventually falls asleep after hours of laying awake, speaking quietly to Vessel about anything he could think of, explaining the intricacies of drumming and all the little things he personally implements into his playstyle. He struggles valiantly to keep his eyes open, and when Vessel's eyes could handle it, he would watch, endeared as II's pretty blues (so much brighter now that his sclera have turned black like Vessel's) would flutter, trying to stay awake. The bond between them remains filled with II's contentment and worry, leaving no room for doubt in Vessel's mind that the man wants to be here beside him, is worried for him.

Vessel doesn't deserve II, he knows he doesn't, but he wants him to stick around, to stay here, as a vessel, with him. He hates how quickly he is becoming attached, hopes he isn't driving II away by letting himself loosen his leash on his own self. Vessel was always too much and never enough. Always.

II wakes once during the night, nearing daybreak, and Vessel somehow knows its going to happen. He thrashes underneath the blanket, as though fighting off an invisible attacker. Vessel is as alert as he can be instantly, holding II's hand and speaking in a low, calming voice. The bond is ravaged with distress and fear, so much fear its choking Vessel's lungs with its potency, his own worry and distress skyrocketing. He immediately locks his own emotions behind the door of his mind tightly. The last thing II needs is Vessel's own emotions to overwhelm him.

"You're safe II. We're at the manor, in my room. Elvira is at the foot of the bed, staring in contempt at being woken up. The sun is going to rise soon." Vessel repeats in between gentle humming of a random tune for what feels like the longest two minutes he's ever experienced, no matter how his voice strains under his sore throat and his head screams at him to shut his eyes, though no light enters the room.

II shoots up, gasping as a sob rips out of his throat, free hand pressed firmly to his chest as though he was still bleeding out. "Vessel?" He asks quietly, crystal tears with flecks of gold trailing down his cheeks, blue eyes glimmering. "You're here?"

"I'm here. You're safe, II. I will never let anyone hurt you ever again." Vessel reaches up one hand to gently card his fingers through the sweaty mess of II's hair.

II holds Vessel's hand tightly, like a lifeline, broken sobs leaving his lips in loud gasps and cries. His touch is cold, but II couldn't ask for anything more. The simple action helps ground II, listening intently to Vessel's stumbling, soothing reassurances, focusing on calming his breathing. With their masks lain to the side, Vessel is easily able to wipe II's tears with a cold touch that sends shivers down II's spine.

"Thank you." II says finally, after an undetermined amount of time just sitting in each others presence as II calmed down.

Vessel smiles a small thing, a mere quirk of his lips, but his sincerity is felt in II's bones as he says a simple, "Anytime."

II smiles back tiredly, exhausted but almost unwilling to go back to sleep. II lays back down, so Vessel follows. The blanket is pulled over both of them, and for a time there is only the soft snoring of Elvira at their feet and Vessel's wheezing, labored breathing. They lay side by side, arms pressed against each other, and II turns his head to find Vessel already looking at him. Vessel blushes, a pretty pink overtaking his face, and looks away quickly. "Can I hold your hand?" II asks, and Vessel agrees after a moment of hesitation.

If II knew to pay attention, he would feel the lack of heartbeat. Yet, he did not know better, none of them will until the reality of just how far Vessel would go to be loved crashes down on them in the worst way imaginable. For now, Vessel will limit contact, no matter how he craves it, a hunger he can't control but one he knows to ignore. He has had years of practice in ignoring his longing for affection. How was he to know that II would crumble those walls with a glance and a pretty little single-dimpled smile. That others would come and worm their ways into his chest where his heart used to rest and make a home.

II's hand in warm in Vessel's own, wrists not quite pressed together. Vessel wishes he could touch more of II, even if it was through clothes. Maybe he'll take to wearing more long sleeves or his hoodie more often, just to be able to hold II a little closer like that again, if the other man allows it. It would help to hide the cuts and scars that would surely be added onto as soon as Vessel gets the chance.

"Can I lean my head on your shoulder?" II whispers in a breath Vessel barely heard.

Vessel's breath catches in his throat, and if his heart were in his chest it would be pounding like a jackhammer. As it is, the vines in the house shudder once, twice, for the seconds it takes for Vessel to answer with a breathy 'yes' barely louder than II's question, a rattling cough following the action as his lungs strain from that brief moment of less oxygen.

The careful weight of II's head against Vessel's clothed shoulder sends Vessel reeling at the intimacy of such a simple action, almost overwhelmed by the joy that stemmed from II's side of the bond. He knows that it is not much different from them already holding hands, but it feels like Vessel has just leaped off a cliff into frigid ocean waters. He can't remember when any of his partners would do something like this except in the beginnings of the relationship, let alone ask in the first place. Vessel was easy to take from, desperate for love and offering his heart up on a silver platter to anyone who showed him the smallest amount of care, and everyone in his life took and took until there was so little of him left but a broken shell of a man full of love that was never for himself. As it stands, offering his heart up this final time, to a God who offered him anything he desired in return, was the right thing to do if only just because Vessel has been gifted this moment.

"Is this okay?" II asks, keeping to their low volume, and sensing Vessel's unease, but also his elation.

"Yes, yes, its fine." Vessels breathes out, afraid anything louder will ruin the moment.

II falls asleep eventually, breaths evening out and face slackening into peace. Elvira has come to lay on Vessel's legs, a purring rumble filling the air as she kneeds his legs through the blanket.

Vessel is... calm. His mind still runs a mile a minute but he is so focused on the feeling of II so close, the warmth of his touch, that at some point, without his notice, Vessel is lulled into as close to sleep as he can get, listening intently to II's breathing.

::

The next day is much the same as the first, Vessel struggling to see through the pain in his head and the bleariness in his eyes, choking on black sludge that tastes worse than anything else he has ever eaten.

II, having stayed with him for most of the day after waking up, comes back after eating lunch to tell Vessel he was heading to the store for pain medication and some other things he hopes would help Vessel feel better.

"'M going." Vessel insists despite II's protests that he needs to stay and rest.

He crawls out of bed, blinking blearily and crumbles to the floor. Tears prick his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. His head aches so terribly, but he has to go with II. He has to.

"Vessel, I really think its better if you stay." II attempts to persuade him, taking Vessel's bicep and elbow to help him stand.

"Don't wanna be 'lone." Vessel manages to get out, and II's gaze softens, eyes squinting up a bit, and he relents.

Grabbing the keys, II wraps a blanket around Vessel's shoulders and stuffs his pillow in his arms. Vessel clutches it to his chest, blinking blearily as II puts his mask on his face after adjusting his own so its sits properly. Vessel feels useless, but II won't even let him get a word of protest in, simply shushing him gently, as II helps him navigate the stairs.

Maybe he should have stayed at the house, Vessel thinks, as II manages to stop Vessel from tumbling down the staircase halfway down. He'd feel like less of a burden that way, surely. Already his anxiety is through the roof but he thinks if he tells II to go ahead without him, his anxiety will just build and build until he absolutely has to cut into himself to ease it. Vessel desperately doesn't want II to find him doing that again, as inevitable as he knows it is.

When II finally gets them outside, he sighs as quietly as he can manage, worried that Vessel's legs will give out before they can make it to the car. There is a push from Sleep to look around himself, so he does, and what he sees surprises him. There is a road leading into the forest, each side marked by a white ribbon tied to a low hanging branch of the trees beside it. II and Vessel make their way slowly down it, autumn leaves crunching underfoot. II keeps an eye on Vessel the whole way, admiring how the fractals of light from between the canopies above shine down upon the others unruly hair, creating patterns of yellow, gold, and orange.

Vessel is breathtaking, even sick and stumbling like a drunk man.

II finds that the road cuts the time it would usually take to get to the car in half, to only thirty minutes. A prayer is sent to Sleep in thanks, the God having already done so much more than asked. Vessel leans lightly against him, but every move to try and hold him better leads to Vessel pulling away.

Within minutes of reaching the rundown vehicle, Vessel is sitting curled up in the passenger seat, as much as a man of his size can, with a blanket spread over his lap, and mask held uncomfortably on his face as it is buried under his bedroom pillow to block out light. An unused plastic grocery bag sits at his feet in case he needs to throw up. II keeps one hand holding Vessel's as he drives, the only sound the hum of the car and the low thrum of whatever CD he has picked out. Vessel is thankful that his migraines are made worse by light, and not sound, as thankful as one can be out and about in full daylight. It is both hilarious and sad how far II has to adjust the seat forward so he can reach the pedals, and Vessel holds back a laugh at the sight.

When the car stops, II leaves the car running, the music playing. Promising to be back as quickly as he can, II locks the doors and heads inside the store with a heavy heart and moving like fire were at his heels.

Passing the home decor section, II has a sudden thought, uncaring of the stares he is getting for the mask. II has always brought attention on himself with his alternative clothing and piercings, getting stared at is nothing out of the ordinary, he remembers.

'Sleep, are we going to have issues with light forever? It hurts Vessel and I to be in direct sunlight, and especially right now, Vessel's eyes are extremely sensitive.'

It takes a moment for the God to respond, voice a little distant. 'Your eyes will adjust to the light soon enough, give it time. My first may always be sensitive, but it should lessen to merely being intensely bright lights, or sunlight for long periods that cause pain.' Sleep assures.

'Ah, I see. Thank you, Sleep.'

'Of course, my second.' Sleep responds fondly, voice already fading.

II grabs a couple of plain lamps, a few nightlights and a set of black-out curtains. As II makes his way to the pharmacy section, he passes a large box full of halloween items on clearance. II doesn't really remember what time of year it is, but it must be fate because at the very bottom, one of only two left, is a fluffy plague doctor plushie of a medium size. From its beak, a poppy peeks out, and in it's hands is a Victorian style lantern.

One quick glance and II wants to get it for Vessel. Admittedly, II isn't one for plushies, and he has no way of knowing if Vessel is either, but he wants to get it for him anyway. He wants to see the other man's reaction so badly his heart races in his chest.

II wonders if Vessel would mind if he got a radio and some other things for entertainment before going ahead and getting some things anyway. Vessel can't lay there sick and awake, without something to do.

Other than his find, II makes quick work of the store trip, eager to get back to Vessel. A sigh of relief falls from his lips as he opens the door and Vessel stirs, mask moving up to look in his direction and II holds out his gift with trembling fingers and a heart full of hope.

The uncertainty he stewed in gathering the rest of the items he needed was worth the way all six of Vessel's eyes lit up, a spark of life finally filling them for a moment as the man takes the plush with fingers that tremble just the same as II's.

Fleetingly, with a rueful smile, II wishes he could see his full face, but he supposes the way Vessel's smile was the biggest he'd ever seen would have to do.

"I can't wait to see this properly." Vessel says, looking between II and the plaguedoctor plush with the brightest eyes II has ever seen.

II's heart races, and little butterflies flutter in his stomach, but he smiles back just as wide. "Suppose you'll just have to get better quicker, then?"

Vessel huffs a laugh, bringing the plushie up to cover his mouth that the mask leaves bare, but his smile never falters from behind the plush material. He wishes he could see II's dimple, but the other man's mask is pulled down all the way to where it usually sits around his neck, eyes crinkled at the edges as II squints like he's the one who can't see properly. Its so fucking endearing and Vessel knows, without a shadow of a doubt that if his heart still beat in his chest, he would have offered it up to the other man right then. A prayer of thanks is sent to Sleep, and a subtle 'I told you so' was sent back, causing Vessel to smile wider.

"Mind if I do your hair?" II asks, waving a cluster of newly bought hair ties in hand, and Vessel nods, further surprised by all II is continuing to do for him.

He turns around as best as he can, long limbs making it difficult to move around, and lets II run his fingers through his hair to get it a little less knotted. The mess of hair, differing lengths in something resembling a grown out wolf cut, is soft under II's touch. "Can you move your mask from your face a little?" II requests, and Vessel aquiesces easily.

II's gentle hands pulls the few framing strands of hair from under the mask, pulling all of his hair back into a ponytail that keeps the hair away from his face. It'll make puking into that grocery bag much easier, Vessel realizes, running his fingers over the felt material of the plaguedoctor's lantern.

Vessel's voice is barely normal volume when he asks, feeling down the ponytail with nimble fingers, "You know how to do hair?"

II shrugs as he responds, "My mother-"

He pauses, frowning, eyebrows furrowed in thought as Vessel rights himself in the seat, plushie held securely in his lap. "My mothers," he corrects, "meant to teach me how. I- I just never made the time. I should've."

"You had people who cared for you before you joined Sleep?" Vessel asks, sad for the other man.

Vessel had no one, so he can't imagine how it must feel to have willingly left family behind.

"I think I did. I- I don't regret my choice to be here, I know I don't. I was meant for this, I can feel it in my bones, y'know?"

Vessel thinks back to how he had nothing, no one, was so alone and hated himself so utterly that he killed himself and only then was he brought to his God. Vessel really isn't sure he was meant for this, to be the vessel of a God alongside this man who is already beginning to mean more to Vessel than his heart can bare when he eventually leaves. He merely waits for the day Sleep realizes that these new vessels will spread their message far better than he ever could, and tosses him aside once he is of no use anymore. It always turns out that way.

Vessel smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Yeah, I know."

He doesn't.

Before II pulls out of the parking spot after putting it in reverse, he offers his hand to Vessel. Vessel clutches the plushie with one arm, taking II's hand with his and holding it reverently. He notices that he didn't even hesitate this time, and wonders when he got so soft, so pathetic and quick to break under his convictions. One of his previous partners would always slap his hand away when he wanted to hold theirs, so Vessel stopped trying. His third partner, who saved him from his previous, was- well, not so nice, but in a thankfully less physical way. II has yet to do anything like that, and its becoming apparent that if he did, Vessel would crumble away from the agony of the first person to act like they for care him finally realizing how undeserving of that care Vessel really is.

The drive back to the manor is uneventful, filled with whatever CD was playing in the radio while Vessel kept his head covered to block out the sun. II keeps a careful eye on the road, but also on Vessel. The other man is feeling a bit better today, it seems, though there is a twinge of pain from the bond that he keeps cracked open, but otherwise, II is happy to say Vessel seems as content as he can be, but II worries he is only projecting calm.

Pulling up to the road leading to the manor, II contemplates leaving the car where it usually sits, but decides against it. It fits through the small space easily, and II watches in the rear view mirror as the tree trunks on either side widen, branches reaching over and entwining, leaving no space for a vehicle to pass through. Eyes wide, he turns back to the road to be sure he doesn't crash the car, his surprise flitting over the bond.

"Y' 'kay?" Vessel mumbles, lightly squeezing II's hand to get his attention, drowsy but awake even now.

His mind begs for rest, but he knows he will not get it.

"The forest blocked off the road we're on at the invisible divide between the outside world and Sleep's mortal realm." II explains, and Vessel hums in response, satisfied with the answer.

"To keep people out." Vessel surmises, blinking blearily up at II whose eyes remain on the road, but Vessel appreciates the small squeeze of his hand that II does in acknowledgement that Vessel spoke.

After parking the car by the house, its a much easier affair getting Vessel into his room than it was before they left. Wrapped up in the blanket as he is, Vessel leans heavily onto II's side, the most contact they've had thus far despite the layers and layers of material between them. II's arm is wrapped around Vessel's shoulder, holding tightly to his bicep. His mask juts uncomfortably into II's shoulder where his head leans. II wouldn't ask him to lift his head for the world. To be allowed this much contact when it was clear Vessel shied away from anything more intimate than holding hands was a miracle II wasn't going to shun.

He worries that once Vessel is better, the other man will pull away. II knows its likely, and hates how quickly he realizes that he'll miss this.

Vessel clutches his plushie to his chest as he sits on his bed with both arms while II goes back and forth between the manor and the car. He sets up Vessel's blackout curtains and lamp. After plugging in the radio and setting it on the floor next to the lamp, he heads out to grab some of Vessel's cd's, making a note to buy some damn nightstands. When Vessel is better, they'll need to go back to the store.

So far, most of this being a Gods vessel thing has been grocery shopping and refurnishing the house. And lots of sickness.

As II comes back in for hopefully the final time, Vessel is watching him, mask off and all six eyes peeking over the hood of his plushie. The red of his irises stand out starkly against the black of his sclera, and as the other man blinks, they seem to glow in the low light. Already pieces of hair have slipped free from the ponytail II had pulled Vessel's hair into, little strands curling at the edges in wild waves that stick to his sweaty cheekbones and forehead, face flush from the fever. II wishes he had a phone, just so he could take a photo. Alas, his phone had been lost with his death. They should probably get some new ones. It's not like they're wanting for money.

Vessel raises an eyebrow at II's still form, locked in place in the doorframe, pretty blues simply staring him down. He wonders what it is II saw to make him freeze like that, pulling his plushie up further and hiding his face in its soft material.

"I noticed sound hurt less than light so I figured you'd enjoy some of your music since there isn't much else you can do right now?" II says, finally, moving further into the room as Elvira weaves between his feet, waving Vessel's CD case around in hand for emphasis.

Vessel says an agreement that ends up muffled by the plushie, but II understands anyway, bringing the CD case over so he can read through Vessel's collection aloud. Vessel listens intently to II, even after a CD is chosen and playing on the radio. II stays awake as long as he can, settling in beside Vessel at some point after having the sick man take some pain killers. II falls asleep turned on his side as Vessel is, facing each other, one hand in Vessel's and the other clutching the sleeve of his hoodie. Elvira curls up at the windowsill behind the curtains where a new pet bed sits.

During the night, II's eyebrows furrow and there is this growing feeling of hunger in Vessel's stomach, loud sounds emitting from his body that Vessel worries will wake II. Vessel senses something, though he isn't sure what, only that it is familiar. On instinct, Vessel reaches out with Sleep's power as it aches in his chest in time with Vessel's hunger.

In his sleep, II's hand has loosened its hold on Vessel's hoodie and Vessel is reaching out, laying a palm against II's temple as the other man sleeps. Before Vessel truly realizes what is going on, an inky swirling black mass filled with glimmering pieces of white, like stars, is encased in his palm, clawed fingers gripping it tightly as he pulls his hand from II's temple, more of the inky substance following the motion.

It gets lost in the darkness of his skin, but Vessel feels it in his palm, soft and wispy around the edges like a... dream.

II's eyebrows even out, face falling into a neutral expression. Vessel breathes a sigh of relief before his attention flits back to the thing in his hand. Without being fully aware of his actions, driven only by an instinct from within his soul, Vessel sits up enough to swallow the thing whole.

It slides down his throat smoothly, settling in his stomach with ease. His hunger abates, stomach satisfied for the first since he became a vessel, but his mind is in a frenzy of confusion and elation, buzzing throughout his body like a livewire.

He shuts his bond off, closing the door with a resounding mental click, II's emotions come through a little muffled afterwards but there isn't a lot of time to focus on that as-

There's yelling in his ears. Someone is demanding money, threats of violence and murder. He feels his own hand as it slams into a jaw, a resounding crack. A body slams into him, he falls, a fist against his cheek, his brow. The asphalt beneath him is cold and disgusting but the sky above is beautiful, an expanse of murky blue with stars peeking through. Feels the knife slide into his chest, once, twice, three times. Spit lands on his cheek after his clothing is rifled through.

"All that fight for twenty fucking dollars?" His attacker mutters, kicking his side as he makes to escape quickly.

It knocks the breath from his lungs. There is something in his throat, bubbling up past his lips. An uncontrollable cough splatters something wet on his face and clothes. He lays there for who knows how long, a grin pulling at his lips, a baring of teeth more than anything. He's dying, but he gave almost as much as he got. It gets cold, colder than the ground beneath him. He wants his cat, hopes his mom won't get rid of her cause she's allergic-

Vessel gasps, coming back to himself. A sob falls from parted lips, gasping breaths as he paws at his chest like the knife was still there, like the wounds still bleed.

This was how II died. Vessel feels it in his very soul.

Vessel's breaths come a little shorter, a little harder to intake, but he won't wake II, refuses to wake him when the other man doesn't stir once during the night, bond remaining a fuzzy sort of peaceful after Vessel ate whatever that was... He thinks it may have been II's nightmare.

It tasted... good. Vessel wants more. Longs for more even as his panic ravages his nervous system, body wracked with shaking as his mind runs wild, clawed fingers digging into his arms, careful not to ruin his favorite hoodie even now, even as tears slip down his cheeks and wet his hair, gold blurring his vision. He feels blood gather in the bandages where the wounds haven't healed all the way, but refuses to move, to do anything but stare up at the ceiling. He'll wait for this to pass, as he always does. When he's better, II will stop being so caring anyway. It's better this way.

::

When II wakes in the morning, he notices first Vessel's labored breathing and clammy skin. A smear of gold at the corner of one of his pairs of eyes, of it in his hair and by his pierced ears. His eyes are closed, but II knows he isn't asleep. That he cannot sleep, even if he wishes to. His eyes are creased in pain, scrunched so tightly they're thin lines on his face, mask lain off to the side, and his lips are pulled tight into a grimace.

II sits up and dabs at Vessel's sweaty forehead with a clean cloth he'd been setting aside for it, upset at the other being unable to sleep during any of this. Upset that Vessel didn't wake him up when it's clear he's been crying. II asks his God aloud if they could let Vessel sleep, even if only for a little while, but the reply causes bitter displeasure to well up within him.

"Vessel has tapped into a power not given to him, my second. He must suffer the consequences, awake, as is his Holy Duty."

Vessel sighs, resigned, already knowing this to be the case, and as used to pain as he is, it doesn't upset him much, easily accepting this answer. II, on the other hand, is not so accepting.

"Can this Holy Duty not wait until he is better?"

"My first did this for-"

'Do not tell him, my God. Please. He doesn't need to know. I am fine with staying awake for this. As you said, it is the consequence of my decision.'

"...Sleep, why did you stop speaking?"

"It is nothing you need concern yourself with, my second. The First will remain awake. He has already agreed to do so."

II turns sharply to stare Vessel down, not able to help the bite in his words, though he regrets it immediately, "Vessel! Why would you-? You don't have to punish yourself even further!"

Vessel cringes away, unable to meet II's eyes, clutching his plushie to his chest, trying to hide behind it. II apologizes for his tone and volume, but makes sure Vessel knows that he does not deserve to suffer. He knows it will take more than a few words in such a short amount of time, but II can only hope that he'll get through to Vessel eventually.

I do deserve it, Vessel thinks. I deserve every bit of this, and I'd do it a million times over if it meant I could still take away II's pain. To see him like that during his transformation... it was nothing short of torture. Vessel knows he shouldn't get attached so easily, but his mind and heart are not always in agreement.

Vessel continues with a fever that he cannot escape from, one that makes him relive memories with people whose faces he cannot see, cannot remember. He remembers the pain they caused, and while the faces and names are indecipherable, the memories, their actions remain in almost vivid detail. He shakes and shivers, but still won't let II any closer to try and keep him warm, never letting his stuffie go, so the shorter man resorts to piling blankets atop him and holding his available hand.

It takes two more days of a fever before it breaks in the afternoon, Vessel's wheezing coughs and aching lungs slowly going away as the days pass. Vessel goes to sit at the piano downstairs at random times of the day, and every time II looks for him, that is where he sits. A journal and pen sits in front of him as he taps out a slow tune on the worn keys, but there is a hint of a smile on his face. The plaguedoctor plush sits on top of the piano, watching over the man as he plays.

"We should probably get to figuring out songs for worship?" II asks, hating to disrupt the other man but knowing this was one of the reasons they were made vessels in the first place.

The smile falls from Vessel's face, but it returns quickly, a shadow of what it was.

Vessel assumed II was going to distance himself due to no longer needing to care for Vessel. He supposes performing one of the few duties their God required of them takes precedence over any annoyance II must feel at Vessel.

II frowns as Vessel presses a few more keys, a low, sad tune not unlike what he was playing before. The other man nods, agreeing, but won't turn to face him, deepening II's frown. II will admit readily that he's worried, but afraid Vessel will pull away entirely. He's given Vessel space, assuming he'd want it after being stuck around II si long while the shorter man took care of him. He wonders, now, if that was the right call.

Vessel gestures to the drumset and asks II quietly if he'd like to show him what he can do. So II does. Shows Vessel some of the songs he's written drums for, shows him covers he's learned and perfected or made him own.

Vessel looks... happy. Awed. To see II at work. Butterflies have made a permanent home in his stomach at the sight of Vessel looking- proud. Proud of II.

"You've clearly put a lot of effort into your instrument. I've never seen someone play the way you do. What are your influences again? Ah, pop, r&b, and gospel, right?" Vessel inquires, genuinely seeming interested.

II knows Vessel has listened to him talk about his drumming before, about his music taste and everything but II- II didn't realize that Vessel listened and remembered.

"Yeah. Metal too, which is mostly what I play. Any free time I had was spent learning the drums and analyzing my favorite drummers. I- I put a lot of time and effort into this." II replies, eyes wide, tapping out a quiet beat on the hi-hats.

"You're good, very good. I see you've worked for this level of skill. I'm not adept with the drums but even I can see that." Vessel affirms, smiling wide as he fixes his position at the piano from where he's turned to watch II play.

"You think you could come up with something for this song?" Vessel asks, beginning to play a soft tune.

II cannot do anything but stare, utterly captivated, as Vessel, masked, takes one last nervous glance at II, a deep, steadying breath, then begins to sing.

"Fold, secrets in the sweat, Like I, Swallow years beneath this bed. Until I wake I, dine on old encounters~" Vessel continues off into a lower register, vocals getting more powerful and already II can imagine what he'd do with him drumkit to follow along with the others man's voice.

It's over long before II wishes it was, and Vessel glances back at him shyly, explaining it was only a small section that he'd completed. It was the first time II had ever heard the other man sing fully before, only soft hums and quiet, almost whispers of lyrics when he was working in his notebook. His control and range was phenomenal, each word deliberately pronounced in a specific way that struck II as odd, but- but entrancing.

"Your voice is beautiful. It must have taken you ages to get that kind of control over it." Vessel blushes at II's compliment, the tips of his pointed ears turning rosy alongside the tint to his cheeks.

"It's not that great. I have a lot to improve on." II frowns slightly at Vessel clearly trying to deflect the compliments but leaves it be.

Something to be worked on, it seems, not that II minds. He'll gladly sing his praises over Vessel's vocal ability until the man finally understands that II truly thinks he's talented.

II thinks back to the song Vessel sung and begins to play what comes to mind. The first few beats don't sound quite right so he tries them a little differently the second go around, and finds it fits much better than before. When II has a good rhythm going, Vessel begins to sing again, those same lines from before.

Sleep's presence becomes more pronounced, their blood singing in tune with the God. Their skin begins to change, both of them, the darkness of their arms spreading up and covering their entire bodies. II's eyes glow bright blue when Vessel glances at him, and knows his must be glowing a bloody red.

II has worked with others in the past, he knows he has, remembers some not so great moments and people, but this sense of rightness, this euphoria when he plays music with Vessel is unlike anything he's ever experienced before. He knows it in his bone marrow, rushing through every vein.

They were meant for this.

It is not easy, despite their skill. They get stuck on certain parts of songs, respectively, give each other space when they need it and ideas or someone to bounce ideas off of when things get overwhelming. It is not easy, when Vessel's lyrics touch his soul so deeply he breaks down into sobs writing them, singing them. Such agony cracks his voice, baring his pain for the world to witness. It breaks II's heart to see him like this, but it is also relieving. Bringing all this pain back to the surface is not without its benefits. Inch by inch, so miniscule you'd barely notice at all if not for the bond connecting their souls, II can feel some of Vessel's pain slipping away the more of his soul he bares in their music. II likes to think that putting it out in the world and unlocking it from his heart is therapeutic, in some way. He has to believe it, because II wants Vessel to heal, he wants him happy, and playing music is one of the only times a true smile lights up Vessel's face, as anguished as he is, dripping tears onto his jeans.

There is peace to be found in the quieter moments, the days passing by but not without hardship. Vessel struggles with his mental health, with the effects of their God not letting his human mind rest, but he has II even as Vessel keeps him at as much of a distance as his heart will allow.

[mclwcc]

it's mostly the delusional shippers that turned me off "carlando."

after qatar when he was being all dramatic and doubting himself, there were full on essays weird carlando shippers were writing about how he clearly just wasn't ready to lead a team and still needed carlos to guide him and encourage him before his mental health spiraled or something idek. like what the everliving fuck do you mean he's not "ready to lead a team?" the guy fucked up and he knew it, yeah maybe was a little too self-critical but he took accountability for his error, he was right there to congratulate and support his teammate despite those feelings, etc. it genuinely amazes me how whenever a teammate outperforms lando we start getting these he's "not ready to lead" or he's "a shit teammate" accusations because those are genuinely the moments where his being a team player shines through for me. he's had a few opportunities now, with basically every f1 teammate he's had, where he could have been a shit team player and gone off to sulk and cry, yet he's been there supporting and celebrating with the team even in those moments.

but idk there's something so infantilizing about people acting like lando needs carlos to function or depends on him to know his worth or talent or abilities. and i'm sure carlos encouraging lando in his rookie year did play an important role in his development, but one of my fave things has been seeing him come to terms with his imposter syndrome and struggles and finding healthy ways of combating and coping with that and genuinely believing in himself. like i don't think these people realize mental health is not just something one person is going to come along and fix - and i think as evidenced by andrea stella's statements on how they were going to try to find ways to help lando spin some of that self-criticism into healthier mindset - that's a continuous battle and something lando himself will have to deal with, to some extent, likely throughout his career. carlos whispering "omg ur so talented mi vida" or whatever these people fantasize about isn't going to do shit for lando after he's screwed up and is punishing himself for it. like idk i'm just not a fan of this lando "damsel in distress who needs carlos to save him" narrative so many carlando people push. he's proven he's more than capable, why the hell people still look at him in any context - whether personally or professionally - and think he needs carlos to function/survive beats me

so like firstly anon u make me feel so lucky that ive managed to avoid the majority of carlando content since like 2021. "writing about how he clearly just wasn't ready to lead a team and still needed carlos to guide him and encourage him before his mental health spiraled or something idek" gives me actual hives one of my biggest icks is when a fan of a 'ship' clearly isnt actually a fan of at least one of the individual drivers on their own. rly theyre just infatuated with whatever collective fantasy of a relationship theyve bought into, and while shipping drivers absolutely does not imply you're unable to confront reality on its own, i do think theres a correlation between intense (read: irl rather than just rpf) shipping culture and absolute delusion about what a driver is like (so when the driver shows their true colours its shock horror hate)

anyways god those r some insane takes about qatar. i do find it funny retrospectively how landos biggest narrative flop was literally a p3 sprint p3 race and ppl acted like he was in p13 getting lapped by oscar. i also think qatar was an obvious demonstration that lando CAN lead the team, and sustain a relationship w his teammate. and he can do those things WELL at that. a pettier person wouldnt have congratulated oscar as much as he did. oscar doesnt even count his sprint win as a win, but lando does - again, a pettier person would go pedantic about the sprint format and refuse to acknowledge it. but he didn't - despite clearly feeling his Feelings the whole weekend, he manned up (unlike someone else that week lmao) and held his head high, smiling for the journos and placating them when they were concerned abt how self-critical he was. i respect and admire him so much for that. thats my guy

yeah the one thing we saw return w a vengeance that week was the self-flagellation - a thing thats not only very much NOT new, but also that landos talked about at length. like hes been SAYING this, this is the main thing he talks about every time he talks about mental health, which is a lot (bless him). this is like when ariana grande wrote a song called 'break up with ur girlfriend im bored' and then years later she broke up a married couple and her fans were like gasp what did this evil hag do how dare she like my beloveds she TOLD YOU. she TOLD you she was like this why did you not LISTEN.

anyways you say some downright beautiful things about lando and his development that i wholeheartedly agree with. "one of my fave things has been seeing him come to terms with his imposter syndrome and struggles and finding healthy ways of combating and coping with that and genuinely believing in himself" is SO true and correct bc like YEAH this is a journey he's been talking about and trying REALLY hard at. this is gonna sound kinda perverse but i think his 2023 challenge is like... unrosberging himself. i think he (following in the footsteps of nico, wait, let me expand on this) took the easy way out of his intense self-doubt and self-criticism: that is, he bought into the (unsustainable) strategy that if he just doesn't make any mistakes, he'll get rid of his impostor syndrome and be mentally healthy. lmao. so its easy for him to look back at 2019 now and be like 'i was way too stressed about being a bad driver but i was just a rookie, i had room to learn, see im better now, no stress', but when he DOES make an error nowadays, i don't think he's quite yet reached the level of stability where he can rly take that on the chin. which, as u say, is SO normal, bc stuff like this is such a continuous battle (i should fucking know my therapist tells me that every session lmao).

its just that the one thing carlandos or other ppl who consume f1 media in similar ways is that carlos comforting him is so not what lando needs or what he'll get either. landos worked w a legit sports psychologist for a while, and he's got jon who clearly actively tries to document himself on how to deal w mental health issues in athletes, and mclaren has just added a team psychologist to their paddock crew, AND like u mentioned, andrea said he'll try to find other ways to help lando mitigate his self-doubt. if anything, carlos whispering sweet nothings to lando (if we entertain the hypothesis n all) will only aggravate him further. not only do i know this from personal experience of how i (a known self-flagellator) respond to that kinda stuff, but he's also like famously rly unreceptive to ppl understating bad situations ("well, the only way is up, isn't it lando?" "n-no, actually, for us it's also down" and all the other extremely funny pressers at the beginning of 2022, esp in australia where everyone was trying to convince him the car was suddenly way better when it was just track-specific performance). AND we also know almost verbatim from carlos (the only f1 driver whos ever spoken abt the less camera-ready aspects of landos personality) that he does Not know what to do w lando when landos in a funk. i rmbr theres this bit in one of the last interviews they did together, that retrospective one, where carlos was talking about landos moods, when he gets quiet and crabby, and how he couldnt get through to him, and it was like lando was a completely diff person. but, yk, whatever serves ppls fantasies ig

so like yeah i absolutely absolutely agree w you that especially within the carlando dynamic theres this super nasty damsel-in-distress element. i think it probably started as ppl projecting onto lando's anxieties and wanting a big strong man with a sexy accent telling them everythings gonna be alright (which so fair), but bc lando wears his failures and deficiencies on his sleeve as a defence mechanism (known fan of low expectations, wants to preempt anyone saying he's shit by saying it himself, this goes from his painful-to-watch post-quali self-criticism to his aggressive anti-intellectualism in general knowledge quizzes) then its so easy for the fandom to characterise him as a hopeless mess, weepy, stressed out, needing someone to come fix shit around him. if lando himself knew this, considering how independent he is, i think he'd have an anneurism lmao. bc like it IS infantilising as well (a pattern w lando). and disrespectful. and dismissive. and w an implication that they dont like lando for his qualities, but for the stuff thats wrong with him, so they can imagine someone making it right and completing the narrative.

and all this over a mess-up in quali that he still converted to a podium. jesus christ. being a lando fan is genuinely exhausting fr

[willowisapillow]

So currently I'm back to my Koopalings obsession, especially with Wendy, who has currently became my 3rd favorite Koopaling 💕

Its funny cause I used to really hate Wendy when I was younger, because I thought she was this whiny, super obnoxious spoiled brat (I blame the cartoons for me having that mindset), but over time, I've started growing to really like Wendy for being a Mario female character who isn't portrayed as helpless or a damsel-in-distress, and I've also started easing up my feelings towards Kootie Pie/DiC Wendy a little bit. I kinda have a soft spot for her now, but she still gets on my nerves sometimes.

While I was in a chat with some close besties of mine on Amino, I came up with a few headcanons for Wendy that are heavily inspired by elements from the New Supers games, the comics, some of the sports-themed spinoff games, and the Super Mario 3 and Super Mario World DiC cartoons.

And before I start the headcanons, yes, I am fully aware that the Koopalings are confirmed to not be Bowser's biological children, and are just his minions, but I don't care about that. I've always seen them as being his adopted children rather than just his other generic entourage of minions. It was also pretty weird with how the Koopalings themselves never really acted like siblings towards one another, and instead just acted like fellow comrades in some sort of military army.

Now for the Headcanons:

• My version of Wendy is like a mix between Chloe from Miraculous Ladybug, and Charlotte from Princess and the Frog. She's a very spoiled girl who loves expensive things like jewelry. While she doesn't cry or throw temper tantrums over the most trivial things like in the cartoons, she still has her short-tempered nature, and can be pretty scary when angry. However, she tends to not let her emotions get the best of her, and uses phrases such as, "I'm too pretty to be angry" in order to calm herself down and cope with stress.

• Just like in the DiC cartoons, she thinks of herself as Bowser's favorite child since she's the most responsible when compared to her brothers. She loves getting the spotlight and attention, and loves being congratulated by her father for her bad deeds and behavior. She also tries her hardest to impress Bowser, and her biggest fear is him being disappointed in her for not being able to get something done on time.

• And like in the DiC cartoons, she still refers to Bowser as, "Daddykins", though she mostly calls him that whenever she wants him to buy her something. Though like her brothers, she does refer to him as, "King Dad" sometimes.

• She doesn't just see Bowser as a money maker who can buy her anything she asks for, she does genuinely love him for all the stuff he does for her and the rest of her brothers. Though I like to imagine that the bond they have is similar to Mr. Krabs and Pearl from SpongeBob. Wendy gets super embarrassed by some of the stuff that Bowser does (especially if they're in public going somewhere fun like an amusement park), but she still loves him deeply in the end.

• She really doesn't like greasy foods such as fries, burgers, or pizza. She prefers to stay on the healthier side, like eating fruits. Though she doesn't like veggies that much, either.

• That doesn't mean she doesn't like candy either, Wendy enjoys her sweets just as much as she loves fruit. Her favorite type of sweets are chocolate based. She loves mint chocolate chip ice cream, hot cocoa/chocolate, and chocolate gâteau. The inspiration for this headcanon comes from Chocolate Island from Super Mario World, the area where she inhabits.

• The characters she has the most beef with are Bowser Jr, Roy, Daisy, and Peach. For Jr, the two are always butting heads with each other because of the arguments they have over who's the favorite child of Bowser. For Roy, it's because he's always trying to push her buttons because of how obnoxiously, "girly" she is. She usually claps back at him by making remarks about his low intelligence. For Daisy, she thinks that she keeps cramping her tomboy style, and sees her as a poser. And as for Peach, she just can't stand her goody-two-shoes nature, and how saccharine she acts. And the fact that her father kidnaps her not just because he wants to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, but also because he's in love with her annoys the hell out of her. That's why she never calls her "Mama Peach" like the rest of her brothers, and instead calls her by her last name, Toadstool, but in a very patronizing manner.

• When she's not battling Mario and Luigi, or starting drama with others, she enjoys hanging out on the beach, swimming, and ice skating. Wendy's favorite seasons are summer and winter. The inspiration for these headcanons comes from Super Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario World, New Super Mario Bros. Wii, and 2, where she serves as the final boss for the water-themed worlds. The other inspiration is from New Super Mario Bros. U/Deluxe, where she's the final boss of the ice-themed world.

• Her favorite music genres are pop-punk, and punk-rock, which is inspired by the person she was named after, Wendy O. Williams. She's the lead singer of the punk band, Plasmatics.

• She loves fashion and designing clothes, with 80s themed fashion being her most favorite type of clothing. This was inspired by her old DiC voice actor, Tabitha St. Germain, who voiced Rarity in MLP: FiM. Rarity is a fashionista in the show, so I'd thought it would fit Wendy lol

• In some media like the Super Mario-Kun, it's shown that she has a thing for Mario, but I just don't see it, tbh. I just like to imagine that she pretends to show affection for Mario in order to piss off Peach and make her jealous.

• Wendy enjoys singing and doing karaoke, but she's VERY tone deaf, and her brothers often call her singing, "the equivalent to nails on a chalkboard". Bowser doesn't like her singing that much either, but he's probably one of those parents who still cheers on and supports their kid, even if they aren't good at doing something.

• Wendy and Birdo are practically besties. They share the same love for expensive jewelry, singing, the spotlight, and they got similar looking bows, too. The two usually spend their time at Coconut Mall shopping for clothes, eating food, or just gossiping and spilling the tea on drama that's been going around in the Mushroom Kingdom.

• Even though she does enjoy a fair fight and will accept a loss, that doesn't she isn't cunning nor sneaky. She'll try different methods of making a competition slightly easier for herself, or her team.

• Out of all of her brothers, the only one she really gets along well with is Ludwig. The two are the most responsible out of all of the Koopalings, and they share similar leadership qualities. Wendy enjoys listening to the music that he plays on his piano, but hates it whenever Ludwig starts being brutally honest about her horrendous singing skills.

• Despite her big-headed and bossy attitude towards her brothers, she does love and care for them all deep down, and always has a blast with them whenever they take a ride in the Koopalings Clown Car, or start vandalizing the Mushroom Kingdom. She won't say it straight to their faces though, because she doesn't like to be corny or sappy lol

And that's all of my headcanons! Hope you guys enjoyed them, have a great day or night, and make sure to stay safe out there.

💍💕💋

[lord-radish]

I just reblogged a post about PTSD, and it gave a lot of examples of PTSD criteria that are often overlooked that really resonated with me.

I'm gonna go over the former best friend stuff. Right away I'm gonna say I'm pretty sure things are gonna go back way before any of that other stuff happened, but the former best friend stuff is the most recent and the most raw.

---

The criteria I'm using are on an Australian governmental website called Healthline. I'll be posting the criteria and discussing its applicability to the situation. I'm also going to read a webpage for an Australian mental health organisation called Beyond Blue.

Symptoms of PTSD, according to Healthline:

re-experiencing the trauma

I don't think about the actual event all that much, where I realised my friend had gotten with a girl I had been hung up on for about a year. It was less "why doesn't she love me", because she had let me down easy and was seeing other people and I was moving on, and more "how could my friend have done this to me", because I had confided in him about the crush for the entire time I had it and I was already having inadequacy issues with him and severe self-confidence issues.

The initial trauma, where I realised what was going on and blew up at my friend, is embarrassing but not something I revisit very often. What gets me is the thought that he's going to try and come back into my life, or I'm going to be trapped in a room or a conversation with him, or people are going to expect me to be around him and like pressure me to forgive him. It's the thought of going back, or being forced into a stressful situation, that gets me.

repetitive memories (or flashbacks) that are hard to control and intrude into everyday life

The recurring memories that get me are related to the moment where I realised I wouldn't be trying to go back to the friend group any more. It's the entire chain of reasoning that led to me leaving for good.

It's a laundry list of things he did that I didn't like and actively made me uncomfortable or upset, but which he did anyway because he thought it was funny. The first day we hung out outside of school, we went to the pool with another friend. They both got out, and when I went to get out, they started tredding on my hands and arms so I couldn't. I swam to the other side, but they'd beat me over there and keep stepping on me.

What struck me about remembering that in the wake of the girl thing is that it formed the foundation of our friendship, and going forward he would do things just like that - things that he would do to me that I didn't like, but which he did anyway because he thought it was funny. That was the foundation our entire friendship was built on. It was there from the start.

nightmares

Nightmares have always been few and far between for me, thank god. I don't have nightmares.

extreme distress caused by reminders of the trauma

At one point, I would start hyperventilating and crying whenever something happened that would reopen the wound. There have been times since I started working that this has almost happened at work. I'm always in flight mode when I'm in public, especially when I'm around where he works, and even more so when it's the time of the day I've seen him around and run into him after work. I'll have one of those one-sided mental conversations when I'm in bed or at work, and I'll need to let it play out and go over my rebuttals because otherwise it's just the thought of someone trying to force their way back into my life.

memories or disturbing thoughts that can be prompted by smells, sounds, words or other triggers

I have a hard time whenever I see his name, or the name of his girlfriend. I need to rush past it and forget I ever saw it. Both names are fairly common too.

---

The next set of criteria deal with avoidance.

staying away from places, people or objects that may trigger memories of the traumatic event

My former best friend used to work at a shop on the main street of my town. My main street is made up of three blocks, with his place of work being down the end of town we both live close to.

For the first year after the falling out, I wouldn't walk on that block of the main street. There's a second road that goes the same way, but it isn't as paved or well maintained as the main street. Whenever I was walking down the street, I would take that less well-maintained road to avoid potentially running into him. I did that for over a year, and I only stopped because I found out - tangentially, from seeing his new uniform after running into him - that he doesn't work there any more.

I did a similar thing with his home, talking a less convenient path to stay as far away from where he lived as possible. He lives *behind my mum* now, so I'm trying to stop washing my clothes at her house despite not having a washing machine in my flat because I can hear them across the fence.

I also left all of our mutual friends to get away from him. All of them. They're all his. I also close my eyes whenever I'm travelling by the place where the initial fallout happened so I don't have to look at it.

changing a normal routine to avoid triggering memories

Just discussed that in the previous entry. This one very much applies.

not wanting to talk about or think about the event

Outside of the councillor I've had since 2021, a friend I made and my mum, I haven't told anyone about what happened and why there was a fallout between me and my former best friend. A big reason why is because this isn't a "good guy vs bad guy" thing, and while I'm clearly very hurt and fucked up about it, I don't want to color people's perception of him.

If they like him and want to be his friend, they should be able to like him and be his friend. It's not like I'm The Good Guy and he's The Bad Guy, it was an ugly set of circumstances that I reacted very poorly to that forced a personal schism between us. I would talk about it with someone close enough to me because it's cathartic, but I have valid reasons to keep it to myself. All people need to know is that I can't be around him.

Now, thinking about the event - that's something I don't want to do. If I'm talking about it, I'm breaking it down and thinking about the mechanics of it and rationalising it. It's a process I can work through. Thinking about it, on its own, just hurts to do.

I think that's why I have those mental conversations, because I need to always be working through it and breaking it down. That's a fresh hell in itself, because I've been repeating the same points to myself for almost two years. I think of it, I have the mental conversation, however long it takes is a write-off. That's one reason I don't want to think of it.

feeling numb

I've felt numb about a lot of things for years before this was an issue, because I was severely bullied all through school. This event caused some numbness, but most of it is from that prior bullying.

---

These criteria regard negative thoughts and mood.

feeling a sense of hopelessness about the future

Not specific to the best friend stuff. This one stems from over twelve years of bullying, and is aggravating by living in a stressful home environment for most of my life and having such a strained relationship with my friends post-school. The best friend thing is whatever - the end of that friendship isn't going to kill me. The potential to find better friends is endless.

But I struggle to believe I'm ever going to fit in with a crowd that I jive with and which wants me, which has been a persistent feeling ever since primary (elementary) school. I felt that way before I met my former best friend, and I feel it now.

negative beliefs about yourself or the world

Again, moreso due to the bullying that occured before/during the time I made friends in high school. There is something wrong with me compared to other people, and there always has been - there's a tangible difference that puts me at a disadvantage. I have a very negative opinion on anti-bullying tactics and legislature like zero-tolerance policies, because it could be weaponised by bullies in ways that got their victims in trouble. On a good day I'm an optimistic atheist, on a bad day I'm a pessimistic agnostic.

blaming yourself or others unreasonably

I treat the former best friend stuff as a "both sides" issue. I feel bad because I was very emotionally ugly, and this led to me lashing out and being a very angry and spiteful person towards him. In the long run, this was to protect my own feelings and be able to live with myself in the long run, and I have to live with that.

And while I'm indescribably angry at him to this day, the actual decision between him and his girlfriend is both a positive development for both of them and a perfectly reasonable decision between two consenting adults. So like I said, both sides have a point.

I hold a lot of animosity towards my former best friend, and I will never let him get close to me again. I'm also angry at myself for my role in it all. I can recognise the good in it all, but it doesn't make the anger and hate any more palatable.

intense worry, depression, anger or guilt

I've covered anger and guilt in previous entries. Adding onto that: when this was still fresh, my emotional state was changing every day. I felt the full gamut of human emotion in the span of a week. A few months in, I had my first and only anxiety attack because I felt like I was running out of time to mend the bridges I thought I needed to mend.

I was immensely depressed - I didn't know what to do. I lost all my friends for the duration I was gone, and when I left for good, I lost all those friends forever. I felt guilty for the effect my acrimonious exit must have had on people in that group. Even today, it makes me feel angry and guilty, and I worry about the possibility of people trying to force their way into my life. Worry, depression, anger and guilt is most of my life.

not being able to remember the traumatic event

I can remember the traumatic event just fine. I remember the moment I put it all together, I remember lashing out at my friend. I remember the spiral I went into after I stormed out, and I remember the Saturday where I saw him for the first time since and he told me what had been going on.

What I don't remember is most of our friendship before that point.

I remember some good parts, and I remember a lot of the bad. I've blocked everything else out of my memory.

no longer enjoying favourite activities

This is another all-encompassing one with roots in being bullied. I find it hard to play online co-op games with other people, though I play a lot of games we used to play by myself. I've avoided a lot of movies, TV and music due to general shittiness stemming from being bullied, I have to find something that really engages me before I commit to any media.

becoming emotionally detached from others

This is the big one - again, not exclusive to the friend stuff.

I've never been good at making friends, and I stopped actively trying back in primary school. I made friends at the end of high school because I made an effort to befriend people I wanted to be around, but that's how I ended up with my former best friend.

I've never been good at talking to people unless they're more of a conversation starter. Nowadays, I don't even try. Partially because I feel poorly about myself, but thanks to the former best friend stuff, I'm also afraid of being hurt and getting excluded from places when things go poorly.

not being able to experience positive emotions

Again, not exclusive to the former best friend stuff. It's hard to find joy in anything, because I learned to feel judged and criticized at an early age. I stopped getting my hopes up that things would get better. After the friend group fallout, there were weeks where I felt like I would never be happy again unless I found a way to go back to that friend group, and things were endlessly bleak.

Even now, with the job I have, I've resigned myself to a long, arduous existence of working with outdated machinery instead of holding out hope for better equipment coming down the line. It's better to expect the bare minimum and - more often than not - getting it, than to wish for the moon and getting nothing in return.

---

These criteria regard increased arousal.

constant, excessive alertness

I mentioned this before - I'm always on the lookout for a flash of green or a person who looks like my former best friend so I can go the other way and avoid it. I'm always "on". I'm always thinking about places to hide or how to escape.

scanning the environment for signs of danger

See previous entry. Short answer, yes.

being easily startled

More of a general symptom. I've always been easily startled. My former best friend would startle me and play on my insecurities and fears to get a reaction out of me, because he thought it was funny.

irritable or aggressive behaviour

When I was bullied, I came out the other side trying to be as polite and inoffensive to the senses as I could be. I had intense anger and sadness for a long time, and I did lash out for a brief period in early high school, but I grew into a more kind, measured person.

When the former best friend stuff happened, the way I would phrase it is that I "became a person I didn't want to be". I'm outwardly angry now. I'm always ready to be rude and shout at my former best friend if it comes to that, and I will do so with impunity if I'm ever cornered. I still try to be measured and calm, but I stew and mutter and have a hard time regulating my emotions now.

difficulty sleeping

poor concentration

Both of these are moreso bullying-related issues that have stayed with me for most of my life than anything to do with my former best friend.