#its sad but this is for my own peace
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
ᕤ 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐓 ᕦ
hi everyone, I come with a heavy heart today. this has been something that has been thought about multiple times now, but I have officially decided that it is time that I retire from enhablr. when I first came here, it was a fun and safe place I could escape to; however, the longer that I was here, the more toxic and not so fun it became. from everything that went down this past summer to all of the bullying to now with everyone at each other's necks because of the ai thing it's just not a place that I feel comfortable in anymore.
I love each and every one of my enha readers and moots that I have met and interacted with while I've been here. you guys have made this experience all the more bearable, but it is now my time to say goodbye.
my plans going forward are pretty simple, I don't plan on making an entirely new blog because that would be far too much work and would get exhausting trying to explain to everyone. I plan on changing my username and will be writing strictly for ateez now. I will be leaving my enha fics up because I know a lot of people enjoyed them, but going forward, I will NOT be writing for enha anymore. there might be a day that I come back, but for right now, this chapter has finally closed, and it is now to start a new one.
with all this being said, my whole page will undergo a full revamp. I will be deleting my enha perm. taglist, as well as any wips that I had posted. while I'm converting everything, my page might get a little messed up, so please bear with me. I won't change my username until I have everything else in place. then, when I do change my username, I will probably make another post.
thank you to EVERYONE who has tagged along in the journey with me. I appreciate you all so much. I hope that you all will continue to follow me on this journey, but if not, then I completely understand and wish you all the best. I love you all so much and will forever hold each and every one of you in my heart.
but for now, alvojake is signing off, and maybe one day we will meet again, until, then, farewell, and I hope you all do well now and in the future.
sincerely, - kayla (aka @/alvojake)
p.s. I will tag a few of my moots just so I know that they are aware. if anyone has any questions, please feel free to reach out. my inbox will still be open during this transition!!
tagging : @hollyoongs @yeonzzzn @enha-stars @addictedtohobi @ak4e7a @heeslomll @intromortal @dollyyun @kitten4sannie @simpjaes @minhosimthings @chlorinecake @naomiarai @ikeuverse @fakeuwus @fairyseungs
#. . . 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐓#this has been a long time coming I'm ngl#I have slowly drifted away from enha for a few months now#but this fandom has ruined my bond with them#people are just mean and spiteful#its sad but this is for my own peace#this has gotten so bad that I even dropped my Jake collecting#maybe one day I'll come back#but for now#this is the end of alvojake#it was fun while it lasted#and thank you for joining me#I love you all#mwah#<33333
40 notes
·
View notes
Text
AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY
#I WASNT EVEN MEANING TO SO I ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED THE DIALOGUE BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING FUCK#ill go and find it later if only to give myself peace of mind. BUT WOW. WHAT THE FUCK#my original plan was to 1) work my way to the king and talk to him 2) doom myself and take everyone down with me 3) loop back to floor 3#so i can visit the observatory and scrounge for any lore. although since i got killed that run siffrin asked the king to kill him first#which was intereresting. but i decided to have all doors unlocked that time around so i can just get the starcrest and go#but for some reason it wasnt working so i went to get the keyknife since i was already there and completely forgot i already had it#from the previous loop and THATS what triggered it. IT WAS FUNNY BUT ALSO SCARY BUT ALSO I THINK I GET WHAT THEY MEAN#about siffrin going back without actually changing. going along with a script even if his feelings on things change#the same way he has his own small rituals like the carving thing and does it for constancy. reassurance or safety even#and the times when he breaks script and ends horribly like the sadness attacking thing and bonnie yelling at him cause him to loop#to avoid it. although i cant really say anything bc id probably do the same thing. maybe not for the same reasons since im cruel#and make him do the worst to see what will happen since i put curiosity over rejection sensitivity as an observer and player but well.#i feel wrongfooted bringing it up since i dont have it myself but i have to wonder if this kind of leans into ocd tendencies.. i remember#reading something about how ocd is fuelled by fear. and things like counting and rituals are kind of used to cope with that?#if anyone knows anything more or talked abt it already id be really interested in hearing it bc im almost sure im not#the first to come to this conclusion. but i simply dont know enough nor have the confidence to broach the topic rn esp with how often#misconceptions around ocd get casually passed around so its hard for me to know what is and isnt a baseless assumption#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#playthru#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#change god#WHAT WAS THAT WITH WEARING LOOPS FACE THOUGH WHAT THE FUCKKK
53 notes
·
View notes
Text
me: sits down to write feeling full of inspiration
chronic pain: no 🙃
#sorry i just needed to vent#UGH#i mean obviously having a chronic pain condition is never fun#but when it decides to sink its teeth in when i just want an evening to capitalise on the inspiration that’s been building up all week#it’s just so frustrating#getting to sit down in the evenings to write is one of the few times i get to feel peaceful and comforted#and i’m just so done with my body taking that from me too#sorry i will resume my usual flaily milex posting soon i’m sure#but tonight i’m just feeling sad and a little bit scared of my own body#and my flatmate and best friend are otherwise occupied#so apparently i’m venting about it here instead#chronic pain#lulu posts
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel like ppl who don’t like the hidden world because all the dragons left have never experienced grief ever
#iduna.txt#like my brother in christ do u know how emotional and cathartic and healing it is to watch this movie#have u ever experienced loss of ANY kind in ur ENTIRE life??????#do u know how important it is to have stories esp for younger audiences where the lesson is about#learning to live after losing what u thought u couldn’t live without????#the point was that hiccup had to learn how to be his own person outside being the Dragon Guy and toothless needed to be free#well not that he had to learn to be his own person per se. more that he needed to learn that he had value just bc of who HE is not bc of his#dragon accomplishments and association with toothless and everything#and guess what!!!!! loss happens in life babey!!!!!#i know this is insignificant compared to like Real Person Loss but do u know it felt watching thw after my cat died????????#fuck anyone who’s too shallow to understand why hiccup and toothless had to be separated the way they were#it’s important to have a happy ending that addresses the cold hard reality of loss/grief#and shows how u can still have a happily ever after DESPITE experiencing a life altering heart shattering loss#sigh. i have such strong feeling abt this#i love thw and i specifically love its ending even though it makes me so sad#‘why did they have to be separated:(‘ THATS LIFE BABY! ITS SAD AND UNFAIR!!! BUT U CAN STILL FIND LOVE AND HOPE AND PEACE IN THE END!!!!!#LOSING WHAT WAS MOST IMPORTANT TO U DOESNT HAVE TO END UR LIFE AND SNUFF OUT UR FUTURE!!!!#TO BE HUMAN IS TO ENDURE AND BEGIN ANEW!!!!!!!!#ok. i’m done now#httyd thw#httyd the hidden world#the hidden world
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
thinking about war & peace again… pierre bezukhov really is the original poor little meow meow
#war and peace#pierre bezukhov#great comet#(was my entry point into liking this story so I’ll tag it)#its a shame that the only thing most ppl know about this book is that its long#this is because its hard to summarise#the brick is about the same length in terms of both words and pages#but les mis is an easier story to summarise bc Valjean is a protagonist you can follow thru the whole thing#so its not so unilaterally known for being long#(also bc the brick is 35% digression by weight)#(like w&p has digressions too but just for military history and the epilogue essay destroying great man theory with facts and logic)#but w&p is a genuinely fun read the characters are so human#pierre is just this guy. this sad guy who reminds me of my own neurodivergent brain in a lot of ways#my journey was great comet -> miniseries -> book
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes being so overly sensitive makes it hard to function like how do people do it. today we drove past three dead pheasants and i'm expected to be fine about the fact that they died alone and in pain and everyone keeps driving as if they never mattered. as if they didn't live and breathe and think. ok
#how is this fine. am i insane. how is it not so devastating that it stifles you#today i learned that the life span of a wild fox is three to four years#does that not make you want to cry every time you see one in the street. knowing they will never be safe#how do you look at your cats and not feel consumed with sadness because they won't be here forever#and no matter what you do you can't ever guarantee that they will always be healthy and safe#and they don't even understand any of this because they're just babies#which should be comforting because it means they aren't aware of their own mortality#but it somehow makes it sadder. like you don't know you are the entire world to me and i will spend my life missing you#i fear i'm genuinely a bit mental#because this shit keeps me up regularly#maybe it's the ocd. or the autism. maybe i'm just weird#it does get worse when an animal dies. i guess rescuing duck + finding out he died is the reason this time#i rescue A Lot of animals so this happens to me all the time#and i don't get any better at dealing with it#i still think of the chicks + lambs + mice + chickens we couldn't save when i was a kid#and the fact that sometimes a litter of animals would be born and the universe just decided that one wasn't going to make it#and it would be lying there dying whilst its siblings got stronger and braver and ate and played#and it wouldn't know or understand that it had drawn the short straw for no reason and would never get to live#WHY is the world like this how do you make peace with that#they think duck was hit by a car. only a man made thing can do that amount of damage right#the fact he was just a little animal he was so small and delicate and then he ended up all mangled like that#it's so unfair. poor angel#ask to tag
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Saw a dead fox today... It's haunting me
#im so fine with seeing dead animals because i grew up in the countryside#and my dad used to shoot pheasants and my mum would pluck them at the table#and ive had cats all my life#so like sure dead animal very sad but also im okay with it it happens#but this was at the house i garden at#and the owner is away so im doing some work occasionally whilst shes not home#and it was just me and the tree surgeon in the garden#and in the corner of the garden was just a fox corpse#cant have been more than a few days old at most#but it didnt have any eyes#and it was just laying there#and no one had been around#so this fox had stumbled into the garden ill#and just died on its own#and so i got the tree surgeon to put it in a bag and take it to the country with him when he left#and he was being so kind and delicate to this dead fox#it just spooked me because i was rushing about working and doing my day and#just being stared at by the beautiful peaceful eyeless corpse of a dead fox...#anyway#tw animal death#maybe a bit late for that lmao#al is talking
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
It's time for much more serious measures.... lets bring out the- talking and receiving support from loved ones 😳
#yeah i was trying to research why im feeling so awful#AND BTW THE SHIVERS AND OTHER STUFF HAS ONLY GOTTEN WORSE UGH !#and i did not come up with any satisfactory conclusions#i though it might be a lesbian thing but eeeh probably not#option 2 definitely fits better taking into consideration my other weird unexplained behaviour#but option 2 doesent help me. at all. and its just sad#so regardless of cause. i think im just never gonna have anyone touch me again and keep being happy on my own#the prospect of dying as a virgin-ish old lady seems much more peaceful to me than the alternative#aka these terrible shivers and head jerks and puke-y feelings and rip-my-skin off escape forever sensations#so i guess i should talk to my friends who i love <3 that prospect is making me sick too but it'll be good for me
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Strong world is the nami and luffy twins manifesto written by oda this is my one piece.
You see luffy's finishing attack with his giant hammer being fueled by lightning which is nami's main weapon with her clima tact and she even made the guy steer the islands towards the cyclone so even if the lighting isn't produced by her the lighting is provided by her either way so luffy AND her finished that guy and even luffy attacked after nami announced how he will lose which also means nami knew and trusted luffy to end him after that and of course he did and
Oh my god luffy making nami explain herself about the message he left on the tone dial and being pissed that she didn't trust him to save and protect her but he got so mad and didn't hear the whole message and she asked luffy to save her omg....... she knew after all that they will come and win..... I love this ending I am going to walk into the sea now goodbye.
Why are whitebeard and ace on the ending credits I already cried. Watching aces part again cause he looks so good. Hello alive dead wife
#the animation in this one..... hell yes.....#img little luffy i missed you!!!! robin doesnt look like herself in this one and franky doesnt have his voice 😞😞 what a disrespect in his#first movie appearance....... franky i will avenge you. your fit is hard tho. well his voice could be his va with a cold. its weird#why is brook smoking a blunt ajdhsksj and sanji tease......#the 3d is too good here.... and someone wants nami bc of her abilities instead of like well everything else.... i might accept this#sanji going insane ajdksjsk zoro what are you wearing on your head......#love the duck following nami like well a baby duck... omg i thought if the duck electrifies the animals in the water nami is fried too#and indeed he was i didnt expect it to follow logic ajdhsj nami found luffy of course#why is nami on top of luffy ajdhsjs doesnt she trust the bird to fly or what#THE BARTENDER FROM THE PIRAGE RACE MOVIE IS HERE TOO!!!!#nami getting arlong flashbacks but now worse#kinda love the crew being protective over her and not to fall into stereotypes but it goes off every time.... they got her away form arlong#nami and usopp omg...... nami once again sacrificing herself... suffered more than jesus.... also her bracelet... i didnt know that#luffy is so mad.... he gets so mad when people leave.... (he gets sad but ofc he cant be sad so next best thing)#NAMI GOT SICK FROM THE TREES!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!#they got changed and everything..... did robin tell them they had to follow the dress code and they all did?? qjsjaka luffys first cape also#luffy that was such a slay. why are they all carrying fire power. he called them a suicide squad... and well a lot of them actually#wasnt expecting this to turn into a mafia movie. surprised luffy knows how to shoot one of those.#nami isnt gonna sacrifice herself luffy said... while she rigs epxlosives in a place she cant move.... luffy she needs an intervention#oh my god. nojiko telling her to have fun.... every time i remember luffy promised gen san to keep her happy i die a little#luffy is gonna get a stroke he is so fucking mad 'nami ill beat this guy and well go back together' ok 🥺🥺#sanji understands perverted gorilla 😭😭#brook got robin instead of sanji.... sick ennies lobby reference bro#also how come franky didnt get his own movie.... like in this one franky AND brook join. confirming my theory that brook doesnt let franky#get confortable in the crew and be with them as the new one for a while bc brook joins immediately after and he doesnt get time to breathe#nami don't cry omg.... she was ready to never see them again omg#i thot nami was gonna electrocute him..... or make him eat the cyclone or smth.... well she said her peace at least#talking tag#watching one piece#watching one piece movies
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
okayyy that messi interview made me shed a tear
#sometimes big stars can bring some financial imbalance and he wanted to avoided it :< and didnt want to be blamed for it#he loves barca#but he has trust issues and rightfully so#me: if we can make messi dream come true and they wont sign players they wanted its a win win situation for me as an atleti fan and someone#who just like the idea of messi in barcelona for the sentiment of it#messi: sorry im smarter than that and i'll stay true to myself even if it break some hearts; my own included#still its a sad day for european football :<#but i hope he will get some peace as he wanted#leo messi
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
when marina said "i don't wanna be so accessible" i felt that
#noe.txt#ive been trying to enjoy my own company#and not rely on other people's moods and if we talk or not#and you know what im happier for it#even if its lonely sometimes#i think i need this break and have control#may or may not be n unhealthy coping mechanism idk#but i miss when i used to be just watch videos and make art and write and not be sad over not having topics to talk about with people#i want that peace again
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I am so incredibly amazing at falling asleep whenever it's bed time
#anyways time for me to ramble in the tags#because. okay :p#posts.nae#so. first random thought. i miss doing pixel art#but i realised. im HORRIBLE at managing my time#cant even call it managed#like ong. just go for that adhd diagnosis call already girl#i started playing Minecraft tho. and like. cherry blossom dome and a house and everything!!! then i wandered off and got lost#i got lost. looking for sheep. the sheepies. because i wanted to shear them#i was on peaceful mode ok there'd be no point killing them#so i got lost for at least an hour or more#prettu sure i got 30+ wool and i even found a village#i actually got sad thinking i wouldnt get to finish buildinf my home#but jts all good now!#my home jts not yhe best but it exists. good enough. pink#the cherry blossom area was so small too like wth??? so rude 😔#mannn. cherry blossoms#what was i gonna talk about?#oh i feel like this is the sort of stuff i should put in my journal#i want to write in my journal its been so long#but idk.. i feel so weird#idk. its not like i talked in the server anyways ..#sometimes i feel like a weird (pos) little admirer and just. idk#like yeah. u ppl are so cool. but uhhh#idk. ill be weird (pos) in my own corner i gusss#IDKKK how do you people form connections#life sucks i want to bite college#how do you peoplr keep connections thats the real question#this is why i like social games. i can play the game and talk about the game. its a gane. help#hey tumblr wth let me have mote tags on my post >:[
0 notes
Text
god i miss ethan hunt
#its not like. i miss ethan content or shit or movies or something. a couple months ago i could be sad and write myself half a page#of ethan giving my oc a hug and it would be peace and love on planet earth#i hate hate hate being in between fandoms because it makes coping with life way harder#i miss being so obsessed with kaz brekker that i could reread an old thing i wrote and make myself feel better.#i miss being so head-over-heels for nikolai lantsov that i could write for five minutes about him staring longingly at a painter who looked#like someone i wanted to be that it would make me feel better. i miss wanting lucy carlyle to give me a hug or being so into my own#network of ocs that writing fluff for two of them would brighten my mood.#god.#this is really fucking pathetic#here i am in 2024 wishing to be so obsessed with someone fictional that their thought could cheer me up. im such a fucking loser
0 notes
Text
Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it
#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work#i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog#the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel#although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick#it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need#im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have#and i dont need anyone elses validation#things will come to me when im ready and its right#if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me#and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem#i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen#ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore#my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif#and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me#it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand#im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure#and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways#besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought#and ive done more than i ever anticipated#i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it#and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity#ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing#and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities#i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things#i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that#if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to#work at#and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things#its not that complicated and its not that messy#it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me
0 notes
Text
i want to hold my tongue and not share the depth of my opinions about the two-headed cow but it upsets me so much every time i see it, i really do hate the narrative of 'rooting for' an animal like this to live despite it being unable (and will be unable, for its entire life) to do the most basic of things life has to offer, even breathing, eating, moving, to prioritize the savior myth that everything can and should be saved, that every living creature should be treated this way as though its not one of the greatest mercies that we as humans have the ability to enact a quick and painless alternative to a slow and miserable life that ends in slow and miserable death on our livestock when they can't advocate for themselves, the ability we have as humans to see the research and make a prognosis and decide that the spectacle is not worth the extended misery, but this life is worth the dignity of a peaceful death we have the capacity to grant
because there is a difference between helping a baby animal in the first legs of life knowing it has a chance to have a quality of life worth fighting for, not a life doomed to be painful that we KNOW is painful knowing all that we know about animals who come with this specific type of physical abnormality, what we see on the surface is only a fraction of much more malformation and deterioration on the inside that we can't just decide is not happening because they 'look' fine, and what we see on the surface is already a life from start to finish without any experience an animal like this should have by virtue of being alive, with no life at all and no understanding of why it is going through this
the assumption that there is no suffering despite eating, breathing, moving never something that this baby will be able to do unassisted, despite knowing the longest a two-headed cow has ever survived was not even a year and a half and that record hasn't been broken in over thirty years, that's not even a quarter, an 8th, a 12th, a 15th of a cow's normal lifespan, and doubtfully much of that was pleasant or comfortable, and even if this cow does get to the point of being able to stand on its own, we can't ever know the full range of agony this animal is going through, all we know is there is and there will be agony, and we need to not see life as inherently successful or painless just because something is going in one end and coming out the other, that isn't what defines an animal's quality of life to me
the two-headed calf poem is beautiful to me because it's a miracle that something so rare (luckily) and so doomed could see one extraordinary thing before passing. the sky ceases to be beautiful when forced to live every day for the sake of social media's voyeurism, it makes me so sad that someone who raises livestock would put public attention over their duty to their animals ���️
6K notes
·
View notes