#its okay i dont think they feel pain
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ickyguts · 1 year ago
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zombie flaky for the soul
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breezey-with-an-e · 1 month ago
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Being someone who read a lot of myths & fairytales & also has existed on the internet from a young age, I don't think the leaked pokemon stories are that big of a deal
If anything I'm just annoyed because all I'm going to hear about for the next 3 months is typhlosion pedophile jokes
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jils-things · 8 months ago
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to love someone is to heal someone
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phagodyke · 1 month ago
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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potatobugz · 1 year ago
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*leans against door seductively* does anyone have any tips on what to do when its hard + uncomfortable to breathe and ur heart is beating faster than normal to the point where its hard to focus on anything else
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elegyofthemoon · 8 months ago
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well. i finished ch 17 of hi3. but at what cost
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#avil plays hi3#tbf majority of me playing through hi3 just looks like This.#yes the acheron trailer made me get up and finish ch 17#i. :(#the fight between kiana and mei was so painful :(#ok also i suck ass in the combat and i was so scared of having to restart#BUT I THINK I HURT MORE THE FACT THAT KIANA JUST REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON MEI#BUT MEIS ALSO DOING THIS BECAUSE SHES TRYING TO SAVE KIANA#AND THEY WERE BOTH FIGHTING TO STOP AND TRY TO SAVE EACH OTHER#MEI YOU SAVED KIANA BUT LIKE..... DONT YOU WANT TO LIVE ALONGSIDE HER.... MEI PLEASE#tbh. the way i was going through ch 17 for hi3.#kiana and mei remind me a lot of oz and gil's relationship back in pandora hearts but#now it makes me want to hit my head on a brick wall because#'wow. i really just gravitate tO THE SAME FUCKING MEDIA EVERY DAMN TIME AVIL STOP IT FFS'#also idk i was thinking about it too#mei tried earlier to use the herrschers powers to try and protect kiana but it wasnt enough. she failed that time#and with no other option to save her she just HAD to and it makes me HURT that this was her only option#IN HER HEAD. I BELIEVE IN YOU MEI I THINK THERE COULDVE BEEN ANOTHER OPTION HERE (IDK WHAT BUT I AM SOBBING)#sprawls on the ground#at least i can have an emotional break for a little bit.... hsr update so i can chill w that#and then when i finish catching up w that. then i go back to being hi3's punching bag#can i get off this train now? why'd i sign myself up for this (welt yang doomed me and then i got fucked over by everything else)#idk also the way that both mei AND kiana resorted to using their herrscher powers to stop the other. two stubborn people....#but its done because they just... they just care so much and want to save the other#okay yeah we did beat each other up about it bUT STILL#MEI I BELIEVE IN YOU YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND 😭😭😭😭😭#anyways. glad i did. i have the worst stomach ache rn so i was Going through it#but my brain hit a reset so i feel normal now. save for the crying
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aggghhhhh71279534 · 8 months ago
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im gonna say it BEING FAT FUCKING SUCKS!!! STOP PRETENDING IT DOESNT!!!! BEING FAT IS AWFUL!!!
#and to clarify: it is Not terrible because of everyone around you#its terrible because its insanely fucking unhealthy to weigh as much as i do (300+ lbs)#and its restricting i cant excersize like i want to i cant jump without being in pain#bras always physically hurt me like they are So uncomfortable to wear#my terrible diet makes me feel worse than i already do for mental reasons#i look fucking terrible. okay? there. i said it. im ugly because im fat#i have huge rolls and a double chin and stretch marks and it looks UGLY!!!!!!!#my thighs chafe when i walk so i cant wear shorts above my knees. my underboobs sweat so much they stink#i look fucking terrible. i cannot emphasize how awful i look#and you know what? ive never known what its been like to be pretty#because ive been fat My Whole Fucking Life.#and my moms fat but its just us in our whole family! just us! everyone else is skinny#weve been trying to lose weight for years the two of us and it just doesnt fucking happen#i dont know my moms reasons but my reason is i just dont fucking care i think#like ill just give up and forget about it. i cant focus on it long enough#and frankly? counting calories makes me fucking miserable#like i already feel guilty every time i eat but when im counting cals its 100x worse#so guess what! im going to be morbidly obese my whole life and it will probably kill me.#i am going to die young and its literally my own fault#anyway my point is im happy for anyone whos fine with being fat literally good for you!!! im happy for you#but please dont force that upon me. ok? i hate being fat and thats literally my own business
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sorrowsaint · 6 months ago
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im going to bed
youtube
heres a song i like goodnight
#......................#.............................................#..............................................................................#thats probably enough of a buffer.#last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up#my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest#like the arrows. like the knives.#its scary. its so scary.#im just a kid#will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me?#people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them#i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it.#all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness#my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember.#i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy#and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with#my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts.#my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams#can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you.#can you feel that way about death#maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone.#i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him#im not like him.#im like gertie and my parents.#im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.
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pinkcasket · 3 months ago
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ik bpd akechi is popular but honestly I'm dying on my bipolar + c-ptsd + npd/narcissistic and ocd features for c-ptsd hill
#💖.txt#tbh i am one of those who thinks bpd isnt a useful category and its just ptsd mixed with other stuff#im also very attatched to him being low empathy#the ocd is smth i flip-flop between. i think its more that after shido's palace if he survives#he's going to have MASSIVE issues with holding himself to impossible standards#spends the first month at the shelter panicking that he's an awful person for choosing to stablize himself before going to the police#(i do personally think he turned himself in. the dialogue from the scene at the shelter heavily implies that's his intention)#maruki's ideal reality is that 1. akechi would find joker on xmas eve and 2. he'd get let out early#or yknow. he never killed anyone so it doesnt matter anymore#the npd is just yknow. oh no! by marina intensifies#bipolar is bc call of chaos REALLY reminds me of manic episodes#and inflicting that on people? wanting to make other people experience how everything in your head is suddenly different and it feels like#this is Right and How It Should Be while your destroying your life??? yeah ive wanted to do that#ive always seen call of chaos as a representation of lashing out/acting out in an attempt to make it clear to people#just how *bad* your mental state is. how poorly tethered you are and how desperate you are for help#wanting to hurt others because no one is seeing how hurt you are and it feels like the last option#(i also see him using it in sem 3 as him finally being around people who are okay with seeing that level of pain)#(the thieves dont forgive him ofc but they see how much pain he's in and said thats fucked up. what they did to you is fucked up)#(you have every right to be mad about it. be mad about it with support.)
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glitterfartsprinkle · 10 months ago
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strange ventish art i made earlier because schools stress inh me out. ill explain more in tags
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meme-loving-stuck · 1 year ago
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i remember being brought up christian like, almost concerned that i never felt a connection to any of the shit they were talkin about,
and when i was younger i was like "oh no! am i bad for not feeling connected to god?? is it bad i feel like my dead mom doesnt talk to me or watch over me?? am i horrible for pretending?????"
but turns out i just had Autism Powers that made me immune to it and i was able to completely sever myself from the idea of being Christian at the ripe old age of like 13. and it was such a HUGE comfort to see that there were all these other beliefs and spiritual sort of things that other people chose to believe in and didnt necessarily treat their beliefs as COLD HARD UNDENIABLE FACT the way christians treat the existence of god & heaven & hell
like now that i am older i know i was in fact traumatized by the culturally catholic beliefs my family held & forced on us all, but i am really immensely grateful that my child self looked at all the other aspects of christianity that would horrify most other children into behaving/conforming, and basically just went, "okay, source?"
and that was the end of that
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roachemoji · 11 months ago
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🤹
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kit-katsuki · 3 months ago
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ohhhb venting...
#its getting bad again!#and i don't know how to talk about any of it#my brains main thoughts throughout the day are 'im going to fucking throw up' and 'i should kill myself'#the anxiety has been giving me legitimate chest pains lately (i think its the anxiety)#and i cant lie down to sleep without my brain going all ballistic and self deprecating#i relapsed sh again and i fucking hate it because i was almost a year clean#it got so bad my brother dmed me asking if im okay#i have to be positiveee this is a manic depressive episodeee i wont do anything permanent#i feel like im gonna throw up. and kill myself. i wont. but oh my fucking god i thought i was over this#i dont know what to tell my brother like do i admit im fucking losing my mind or do i try and keep it palatable.#like 'yeah ive been uhh convincing myself not to walk into the street on the way home wbu'#what even is there to say#i feel like im too much for what im worth#people care about me and it only makes their lives harder#people have problems and theyre all my fault#i wish i could just not exist. even if for a short period pf time#i feel like im bringing more stress and anger into this world than the good things that come of me#i feel like everyone that gives me a chance is going to end up hating me#i feel like everyone that loves me will only see who i really am and end up resenting me#i feel like i cant breathe without ruining something good for someone#im sorry#i dont think ill ever feel like im truly doing okay
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caffeinatedopossum · 1 year ago
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I'm so emotionally exhausted
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boycritter · 4 months ago
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it was six months ago today.
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phagodyke · 4 months ago
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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