#its okay i dont think they feel pain
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zombie flaky for the soul
#im only like what#three days late?#XD#PLS ENJOY SOME ZOMBIE FLAKE#its been a hot minute since ive drawn them#its okay i dont think they feel pain#someone get them to a hospital#htf flaky#htf#happy tree friends#my art#halloween
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can i just be totally honest for just a sec. this past year hasnt been my favorite. it hurt a Lot and i really didnt think id be as happy as i am when the end of the year came around. it was not the best year by far for me. kinda nothing has been Great since i was like 12 honestly. But also i've learned a Lot about myself this year. I've healed, hurt, loved, laughed, everything in between, and will continue to do all that because thats life and im living (!!!!). I'm about to have a birthday that i didnt even think i was going to get to see like 4 years ago so. yeah. happy new year everyone and im really really happy im here <3 thank you all
#camera talks#sorry for getting real for a second LMAO#umhmhm#happy new year <3#im really really glad yall are around and im around#ive had a Lot of struggles this year#(from what i can remember. tbh ive blocked out So So much pain i know im forgetting stuff)#its been bad but i know its been worse. sorta. tbh this hasnt been a good year thinking about it but i dont want to think about it rn so#But i know i didnt think id reach the end of the year like this#im very happy ive gotten here. im so happy ive accomplished everything ive accomplished#and im almost okay with what im going into next year.#its scary but ive got people and support and i can make it through#i feel more loved and safe#and i hope it'll mostly just go up for me in a lot of aspects from here#okay. thx for reading if you read all the way through this :)#i love you guys <33#thank you to the mutuals and followers who have been here since my early days and who have recently showed up#you're all amazing and i wish you nothing but the best <3
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Being someone who read a lot of myths & fairytales & also has existed on the internet from a young age, I don't think the leaked pokemon stories are that big of a deal
If anything I'm just annoyed because all I'm going to hear about for the next 3 months is typhlosion pedophile jokes
#which sucks cuz i like that pokemon#but generally i get kinda annoyed whenever i hear a lot of people yapping about pokemon outside of like talking about the games because its#just like . it always feels like a pain because of how large the fanbase is to the point there are whole other fandoms within the greater#pokemon fandom#like im still annoyed that vaporeon got turned into a sex joke & no one online seems to think abt anything else but that copypasta#but like its the internet so whatever idk what i really expected#ig im just annoyed because i dont really care about the leaked stories and i dont want to hear people be shocked that the fake monsters that#kinda resemble yokai are doing things you might expect in old yokai myths idk.#🐛: bree rants#nd also its like. not officially publizhed stories. this could be someones fanfic so who . carss#cares * i am not typing that again#okay rant over#im sorry for everyone who likes a pokemon that was featured in those leaks
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to love someone is to heal someone
#~ art#💚 memoryshipping#ignore tags if youre just here for the art and not me going full diary mode#anyways ... this is a little personal to me#especially with how i treat her here. i think this is a direct projection of how i'm feeling right now#today has been a little harsh on me - maybe a little painful even#i'm okay now - because i resolved it. albeit harboring some bits of anger to it but its not worth fighting about anymore#its hard to say that i'm - very optimistic so to speak because it's only one pillar i just jumped over and there will be more later#and this is me coping with it and im lucky to have mustered some energy to at least express it through drawing#i havent been drawing much for myself and it makes me sad because its my source of happiness#my time for drawing is being repurposed for other stuff right now and it still is and i dont feel entirely happy doing it unfortunately#i still have many things i want to follow up on my drawing list especially in my recent interests peaking again#but i resorted for now to making something im already used to. stevaide lol fgsjsddsjjsdjkghsdjgdjkhskjghshsgsasjhjsjksdjfhsfasgs corny ass#rest assured im at a somewhat relaxed state right now. throwing boops here and there calmed me down because theres people around me#who ig thinks im cool eajdhajhd#ahh anyway
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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*leans against door seductively* does anyone have any tips on what to do when its hard + uncomfortable to breathe and ur heart is beating faster than normal to the point where its hard to focus on anything else
#rambles#/genuine#preferably without having to go to a hospital or anything#i dont have Money and also i dont want to go anywhere or call anyone i just wanna feel better enough to finish this drawing#and/or go to sleep please please pls#dont stress or worry abt anything btw im fine im just In Pain and its hard to ignore. ots not even the kind that hurts a lot#i just feel horrible in a physical way like im out of breath#will delete later sory if this is a scary post#at all. again donot worry i will be A OKAY#i hate when my body does scary shit like this man i just wanna draw km already constantly paranoid abt stuff like this#(shh dont tell anotne i said this but im gonan start crying like actually 😼)#i guarantee my own safety. muah. ily my beloved mutuals + followers#also ove been feeling like this since abt 2-3 pm i think if thats anything#iiirc?#it feels like its gotten a little worse but maybe kts bc im laying fown
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#i need a good reason to not kill myself because the world feels so fucking hostile right now and theres nowhere i can go to safety#my bank account is Seven Hundred And Thirty Dollars in the negatives. i have bills coming up this week. i have no hours at my job#i went to a job interview yesterday for fucking taco bell THATS how desperate i am. and im not even 100% sure if im gonna get it or not#and if i do get it my life will be miserable and i wont have time for anything else in my life im like actually terrified#i have so much Trauma from shitty unstable jobs for my whole adult life that it just feels painful to think about#i cant afford to live i cant afford to be homeless either#i should just die like genuinely im at the end of my rope i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this#im so stressed im so overwhelmed its so difficult to work on art because of this#my life is actively crumbing away beneath my feet the last thing i want to do is draw pictures#but i have to. i have no other choice i Have to#the world is better off without me in it OBVIOUSLY. like all i hear about constantly is how much trans people dont deserve to live#i shouldve considered this before i decided to be born the way i am#i never asked to be born into this. i wish i never was. i wish i wasnt alive right now#i dont want to live i dont want a life i dont want to keep on going if its just going to be like this all the time#i hate feeling this way because of MONEY. I HATE MONEY. MONEY ISNT REAL UNTIL IT IS REAL AND THEN ITS EXTREMELY REAL.#money is only real for poor people and thats what ive learned in my time on this earth#btw im not okay and nothing anyone can say to me will make me feel better because theres no fucking point in anything#i got denied for food stamps and welfare also btw lol like im doing everything i can to improve my life but everything sucks and is hard#and i dont have a safety net and im falling and falling and falling and im about to splat hard on the concrete#i have to do laundry and clean my room and make breakfast and work on art and all of that while knowing i cant pay my bills#i dont know why suddenly it feels impossible to do fucking anything. like theres no other choice but to suffer#it feels like the world is ending and Yes im having a catastrophic breakdown right now and i just need to shout into the void#i'll feel better after i eat but i need to get dressed first and i have no clean clothes so i have to do laundry#but i have to collect my clothes off of the floor and i have 0 energy bc i havent eaten and im stressed and fucked up#UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DIES#things could absolutely be worse right now but this is about as bad as they can be before that happens. lol
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im going to bed
youtube
heres a song i like goodnight
#......................#.............................................#..............................................................................#thats probably enough of a buffer.#last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up#my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest#like the arrows. like the knives.#its scary. its so scary.#im just a kid#will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me?#people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them#i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it.#all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness#my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember.#i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy#and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with#my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts.#my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams#can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you.#can you feel that way about death#maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone.#i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him#im not like him.#im like gertie and my parents.#im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.
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well. i finished ch 17 of hi3. but at what cost
#avil plays hi3#tbf majority of me playing through hi3 just looks like This.#yes the acheron trailer made me get up and finish ch 17#i. :(#the fight between kiana and mei was so painful :(#ok also i suck ass in the combat and i was so scared of having to restart#BUT I THINK I HURT MORE THE FACT THAT KIANA JUST REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON MEI#BUT MEIS ALSO DOING THIS BECAUSE SHES TRYING TO SAVE KIANA#AND THEY WERE BOTH FIGHTING TO STOP AND TRY TO SAVE EACH OTHER#MEI YOU SAVED KIANA BUT LIKE..... DONT YOU WANT TO LIVE ALONGSIDE HER.... MEI PLEASE#tbh. the way i was going through ch 17 for hi3.#kiana and mei remind me a lot of oz and gil's relationship back in pandora hearts but#now it makes me want to hit my head on a brick wall because#'wow. i really just gravitate tO THE SAME FUCKING MEDIA EVERY DAMN TIME AVIL STOP IT FFS'#also idk i was thinking about it too#mei tried earlier to use the herrschers powers to try and protect kiana but it wasnt enough. she failed that time#and with no other option to save her she just HAD to and it makes me HURT that this was her only option#IN HER HEAD. I BELIEVE IN YOU MEI I THINK THERE COULDVE BEEN ANOTHER OPTION HERE (IDK WHAT BUT I AM SOBBING)#sprawls on the ground#at least i can have an emotional break for a little bit.... hsr update so i can chill w that#and then when i finish catching up w that. then i go back to being hi3's punching bag#can i get off this train now? why'd i sign myself up for this (welt yang doomed me and then i got fucked over by everything else)#idk also the way that both mei AND kiana resorted to using their herrscher powers to stop the other. two stubborn people....#but its done because they just... they just care so much and want to save the other#okay yeah we did beat each other up about it bUT STILL#MEI I BELIEVE IN YOU YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND 😭😭😭😭😭#anyways. glad i did. i have the worst stomach ache rn so i was Going through it#but my brain hit a reset so i feel normal now. save for the crying
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im gonna say it BEING FAT FUCKING SUCKS!!! STOP PRETENDING IT DOESNT!!!! BEING FAT IS AWFUL!!!
#and to clarify: it is Not terrible because of everyone around you#its terrible because its insanely fucking unhealthy to weigh as much as i do (300+ lbs)#and its restricting i cant excersize like i want to i cant jump without being in pain#bras always physically hurt me like they are So uncomfortable to wear#my terrible diet makes me feel worse than i already do for mental reasons#i look fucking terrible. okay? there. i said it. im ugly because im fat#i have huge rolls and a double chin and stretch marks and it looks UGLY!!!!!!!#my thighs chafe when i walk so i cant wear shorts above my knees. my underboobs sweat so much they stink#i look fucking terrible. i cannot emphasize how awful i look#and you know what? ive never known what its been like to be pretty#because ive been fat My Whole Fucking Life.#and my moms fat but its just us in our whole family! just us! everyone else is skinny#weve been trying to lose weight for years the two of us and it just doesnt fucking happen#i dont know my moms reasons but my reason is i just dont fucking care i think#like ill just give up and forget about it. i cant focus on it long enough#and frankly? counting calories makes me fucking miserable#like i already feel guilty every time i eat but when im counting cals its 100x worse#so guess what! im going to be morbidly obese my whole life and it will probably kill me.#i am going to die young and its literally my own fault#anyway my point is im happy for anyone whos fine with being fat literally good for you!!! im happy for you#but please dont force that upon me. ok? i hate being fat and thats literally my own business
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ik bpd akechi is popular but honestly I'm dying on my bipolar + c-ptsd + npd/narcissistic and ocd features for c-ptsd hill
#💖.txt#tbh i am one of those who thinks bpd isnt a useful category and its just ptsd mixed with other stuff#im also very attatched to him being low empathy#the ocd is smth i flip-flop between. i think its more that after shido's palace if he survives#he's going to have MASSIVE issues with holding himself to impossible standards#spends the first month at the shelter panicking that he's an awful person for choosing to stablize himself before going to the police#(i do personally think he turned himself in. the dialogue from the scene at the shelter heavily implies that's his intention)#maruki's ideal reality is that 1. akechi would find joker on xmas eve and 2. he'd get let out early#or yknow. he never killed anyone so it doesnt matter anymore#the npd is just yknow. oh no! by marina intensifies#bipolar is bc call of chaos REALLY reminds me of manic episodes#and inflicting that on people? wanting to make other people experience how everything in your head is suddenly different and it feels like#this is Right and How It Should Be while your destroying your life??? yeah ive wanted to do that#ive always seen call of chaos as a representation of lashing out/acting out in an attempt to make it clear to people#just how *bad* your mental state is. how poorly tethered you are and how desperate you are for help#wanting to hurt others because no one is seeing how hurt you are and it feels like the last option#(i also see him using it in sem 3 as him finally being around people who are okay with seeing that level of pain)#(the thieves dont forgive him ofc but they see how much pain he's in and said thats fucked up. what they did to you is fucked up)#(you have every right to be mad about it. be mad about it with support.)
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strange ventish art i made earlier because schools stress inh me out. ill explain more in tags
#uurgh okay. i realized that a lot of the people i consider my friends do not consider the same for me (irl)#and when i think im laughing with them they're actually just. laughing at me#and its strange to just now realize it. i feel so overwhelmingly embarrassed that i say the things i do#i dont even know theyre embarrassing until someone says “stop talking”#i desprately want to make it to my new schpol next year because its massive#and I'll be able to meet new people#but im alone right now. and thats the worst pain ive been in for a while. thank you if you read this#vent
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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i remember being brought up christian like, almost concerned that i never felt a connection to any of the shit they were talkin about,
and when i was younger i was like "oh no! am i bad for not feeling connected to god?? is it bad i feel like my dead mom doesnt talk to me or watch over me?? am i horrible for pretending?????"
but turns out i just had Autism Powers that made me immune to it and i was able to completely sever myself from the idea of being Christian at the ripe old age of like 13. and it was such a HUGE comfort to see that there were all these other beliefs and spiritual sort of things that other people chose to believe in and didnt necessarily treat their beliefs as COLD HARD UNDENIABLE FACT the way christians treat the existence of god & heaven & hell
like now that i am older i know i was in fact traumatized by the culturally catholic beliefs my family held & forced on us all, but i am really immensely grateful that my child self looked at all the other aspects of christianity that would horrify most other children into behaving/conforming, and basically just went, "okay, source?"
and that was the end of that
#BLOGGING LOUDLY#okay source sounds so cringe ik but like#i really couldnt buy into any of it after a certain point#even though i almost found comfort in it! the idea of prayer was very much that for me the way it is for many ppl#i just literally could not believe something that didnt have proof i could see or touch#and when i was a bit older i did get hit with the 'well you cant SEE gravity but you believe in that'#but again immediately i was like... you can still prove gravity though. i learned it in seventh grade. LMAO#i dont know part of me is relieved i didnt feel the painful separation or conflict that so many others feel#but i am still kind of sad i couldnt just. be that way. and find a home somewhere#and that nothing else has really stood out to me except like non theistic satanism which also sounds. edgy teen boy#like it is a legitimate belief system and i feel closely aligned to it! but im still just kinda meh about using the label ... hrmm#perhaps need to look into the various kinds of satanism again#i tend to stay away from pagan stuff but its also something i found interesting#my partner seems very interested in becoming a jew despite not really... ever having been exposed to judaism or jewish cultures#but id like to learn more about it too i have many resources just kinda sitting....#idk i guess i started thinking about this bc actually studying other religions etc could be very fulfilling but i just....eh....
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ohhhb venting...
#its getting bad again!#and i don't know how to talk about any of it#my brains main thoughts throughout the day are 'im going to fucking throw up' and 'i should kill myself'#the anxiety has been giving me legitimate chest pains lately (i think its the anxiety)#and i cant lie down to sleep without my brain going all ballistic and self deprecating#i relapsed sh again and i fucking hate it because i was almost a year clean#it got so bad my brother dmed me asking if im okay#i have to be positiveee this is a manic depressive episodeee i wont do anything permanent#i feel like im gonna throw up. and kill myself. i wont. but oh my fucking god i thought i was over this#i dont know what to tell my brother like do i admit im fucking losing my mind or do i try and keep it palatable.#like 'yeah ive been uhh convincing myself not to walk into the street on the way home wbu'#what even is there to say#i feel like im too much for what im worth#people care about me and it only makes their lives harder#people have problems and theyre all my fault#i wish i could just not exist. even if for a short period pf time#i feel like im bringing more stress and anger into this world than the good things that come of me#i feel like everyone that gives me a chance is going to end up hating me#i feel like everyone that loves me will only see who i really am and end up resenting me#i feel like i cant breathe without ruining something good for someone#im sorry#i dont think ill ever feel like im truly doing okay
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I'm so emotionally exhausted
#being highly empathetic is so romanticized but it actually sucks so much#not just for me btw. like for everyone around me too#im great at supporting people short term but anytime you need me to reliably be there i just cant#because i feel so strongly anytime im around other people experiencing strong emotions that i burn through my emotional battery#in a matter of minutes#its also almost definitely a result of my trauma. so yeah definitely over-hyped#PLUS i hate being that person thats like 'sorry YOUR emotions are too painful for ME' like wtf#makes me sound like an ass#i think it cam definitely be phrased better while still saying the same thing (like 'sorry i dont really have the energy now. is that okay?)#but it still sucks. i want to be there for people. i dont know what to do with all these emotions that arent mine#like theres always 'work through the trauma' but how?? im emotionally exhausted!#plus i dont actually see any way to reassure what im scared about cause its not like a fear of being punished triggered by others emotions#its like. I was exposed to this thing a lot as a kid and now my brain responds to it really strongly#the thing itself wouldnt have been wrong in a different context but i was a child and couldnt process the things that i experienced#and i still dont know how to
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