#im very happy ive gotten here. im so happy ive accomplished everything ive accomplished

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

can i just be totally honest for just a sec. this past year hasnt been my favorite. it hurt a Lot and i really didnt think id be as happy as i am when the end of the year came around. it was not the best year by far for me. kinda nothing has been Great since i was like 12 honestly. But also i've learned a Lot about myself this year. I've healed, hurt, loved, laughed, everything in between, and will continue to do all that because thats life and im living (!!!!). I'm about to have a birthday that i didnt even think i was going to get to see like 4 years ago so. yeah. happy new year everyone and im really really happy im here <3 thank you all

[hitoshisbabygirl]

Author's Notes ♡: Hello hello! Here’s my POCuties collab piece for Valentine’s Day. Even though today sometimes makes me feel unloved please know everyone is deserving of love and even if you don’t have someone this year, you can have me! I love you and so do your favs okay? (✿◠‿◠) ~ bunny ❥

Warnings : none! Just very sweet (a bit of the reader feeling like a burden to tamaki so a touch of sadness here and there)

Word count : 2.1k

Paring(s) : Tamaki Amajiki x F! Reader (fem pronouns)

Enjoy ♡

———————————————————————

Forever // T. Amajiki

Being with Tamaki for a few years taught his lover a lot. She saw more sides of him than most, and it made her heart swell to see the usually quiet boy happy and determined when he accomplished something he was trying for or when he was down she knew just how to cheer him up.

As the day drew on she realised just how much she loved him and how much she wished for him to be home, to give him a big kiss as he came through the door, knowing that his day was long, plagued with paperwork and patrols. Hearing the door open she saw her tall boyfriend enter, hood over his eyes as he let out a sigh, stretching as he felt his body being encased by his girlfriend “Hello butterfly how was your day” His low voice spoke out as she gave him a bright smile “It was nice heaving the day off but i missed you Tama” she pouted as he gave her a chuckle, kissing her forehead “I missed you too, the office was a bore without my adorable secretary” Moving into their shared apartment Tamaki saw food already laid out in front of him “I ran you some bath water too” [ ] called out as she rounded the wall separating the kitchen and living room “Y-you didn't have to do that love im-” A finger silenced his pleas “Let me take care of you okay? You need your rest and i didnt want you to worry about anything coming home except relaxing and cuddling with me okay?” [ ] said as she stood on her tippy toes, kissing the top of his cheek “Tamaki Amajiki we have been doing this for years, won't you please let me love you without trying to outdo me ; you deserve it, you're a wonderful hero, you're my hero and eventually...you'll be our family hero..once we have one..” She trailed off as he stared at her, watching a sadden face appear over her features. Shaking it off as soon as it had appeared she gave him another smile “Its alright. There's no rush, i'm here for the long haul , me and you okay?” she said as she let his face go , heading to the couch “Now go go, hurry up before the food gets cold.” She teased as he gave her a soft look, coming over to kiss her cheek “Okay i wont argue butterfly”

These little things stuck with him, her caring ways, cooking for him, cleaning his office while hed be gone, even doing some of his paperwork while he was on parole. He loved her so much and enjoyed all of the little things here and there she did for him. He ddi the same, and each time made her cry, not out of being upset but for how caring he was to her. Bringing her roses, making sure she didnt have to cook if he could help it, spa days and doing more crafts and bonding with her whenever they could. But he realized while she helped him with so much he felt like he struggled. She struggled with her own issues too, similar to his. Sometimes she felt like she wasnt enough, she had her own anxieties and could get in a sup when she felt inadequate, unlovable and unwanted. But to him, to tamaki he loved everything about her, and she was one of the strongest people he knew. He felt motivated and glad to have her as the one he wished to marry , to have kids with, to start a family. But that also broke his heart when the topic came up she did usually didnt talk much about it, happily making plans but going back on them by saying ‘if i was a good mother’ She didnt want to dissapoint their future kids, didnt want to be a lacking mother or wife. As usual Tamaki came home, but htis time he went past the wonderful smelling food in the kitchen and to their bedroom, his cute girlfriend wrapped up in a blanket “How are you feeling butterfly?” He asked as she gave him a smile, reaching over to hug him “Im oaky! Just a bit overwhelmed is all, im sorry i passed out during the meeting..” She said as she gave him a hurt look before continuing “I shouldve tried harder to stay and present with you i-” Before she could finish he gave her a kiss, stopping her words “You needed rest. Im still surprised you got up to cook, did you at least take a nap love?” He asked as she shook her head , causing him to smile “Good. i love you butterfly and i woudnt change that for the world” he said as she smiled, giving him a hug “I’d hope so” She giggled as he pouted “Never doubt my love for you [ ], no matter what im gonna be here, i promise okay?” he said as she nuzzled the boy, kissing his nose “ And i for you Tamaki”

February came in , the happy couple had started up to take more time off to do more things and enjoy eachothers presence in the month of love. As the days went by Tamaki noticed [ ] was having odd days. From sleeping long hours of the day to just crying randomly, he knee something was wrong. Coming from the store he heard sobbing from their bathroom. Terrified , he tried to enter only feeling the door being locked “[ ] baby whats wrong? Can i come in?” with no response he nervously knocked again. “[ ] please...whats wrong” He pleaded as the door unclicked, showing his still beautiful but tear stained cheeked girl. “T-tama..” She cried as she just jumped into his arms, scaring the indigo haired boy “Baby are you okay?” he asked as she took in a breath before smiling sadly “Y-yeah i am..” She said as he picked her up, taking them into the living room. “I love you..and whatever is making you feel like this..if i can help let me okay?” Tamaki said as [ ] shook her head, placing it into his shoulder as they fell asleep.

Every day from her breakdown Tamaki came to her office with a rose, ate lunch with her and made sure she was hydrated and well. Once the week of valentines day came up, he had his plan set in motion. He had their schedules fixed, the week off for themselves as they did different things. A spa day the first day, a picnic the next, shopping at an expensive store for clothes. Then an art day where they drew (or tried to ) eachother and made art fro and about the other. Once the day of Valentines came however, it was different. It started with them taking a shower together, Tamaki cooking breakfast in bead for [ ] as they talked through the morning. Tamaki told her the outfits they ha gotten the days prior was for tonight which gave [ ] the jitters. She was excited for what her pro hero boyfriend had instore for them. Once they got to the restaurant all eys were on them. [ ]’s long black dress falttereed tamakis white suit and black bow tie. The two of them sat and started to eat, coversating with some fans who so happend to be around thwm. One was a small girl with wide hopeful eyes. She came to the couple with her mom in toe “Im so sorry to interrupt you two, my daughter wouldnt let mt husband and me rest until she came over to you guys” the wmoan laughed, causing bothe members to smile “Hello there how are you?” Tamaki asked the girl as she stepped from behind her mother “ H-hi my name is Shiemi a-and i really like you suneater!” The small girl said , causing [ ] , Tamaki and her mom to smile “Why thank you Shiemi, i hope im a good hero for you” Tamaki responded as the little girl shook her head “The best! Youre so cool. A-and your wife is pretty like mama! I like you dress miss suneater” The girl said , causing [ ] to stutter as she sipped her water “O-oh why thank you Shiemi but Im-” before she could continue she saw her boyfriend give the woman and her daughter a wide smile “She is, inst she?” He said as he turned to [ ] , moving from his chair “Tama what are you-” [ ] asked again as he leaned to the little girls ear , then to the mothers as they both gave him a smile, the woman happily shaking her head as her daughter followed the hero. Confused, [ ] watched as he picked the little girl up, putting her atop of the bar table “Hey everyone! Suneater has an announcement!” she yelled as most people turned around or to the table in the middle of the room, watching and smiling at the energetic child and pro hero “In fact I do, [ ] would you mind standing?” Tamaki asked as she gave him a wide eyed look, standing as he gave her a smile, extending and hand to her as she joined his side

“H-hey guys , as you know um..this si my lovely girlfriend and partner [ ]” He started as she gave everyone in the room a wary smile, her face feeling hot as he continued “ Ive known her for years, and weve been dating for some of those, she's seen me through thick and thin, helped me out in a pinch and made me feel like the strongest man alive, well next to almight…” he whispered as some of the people laughed, more paying them attention “And through all of this….i could think of a more beautiful and right person to spend the rest of my life with” And with the the young child handed the now kneeling man a ring as some whooped and hollered, others recording as both [ ] and the girls mother had tears in their eyes “[ ] [ ], the love of my life, my butterfly, i couldnt think of a more beautiful person inside and out to be with, will you give me the honor and make me the happiest man on this earth to be my wife?” He asked as the ring was revealed, diamond glistening as his own tear filled eyes looked to hers. Thinking her voice would fail her she shook her head yes, causing the room to yell as she had her ring put on her finger , jumping to hug her standing fiance as they hugged and cried, video of the engagement spreading as he thought to himself ‘I can now have my family, my endless love with you my dear butterfly’

As their wedding came , all of their friends and family came, including the new found friends of the young Shiemi and her parents. The ceremony went though flawlessly, Shiemi being their flower girl as the newlyweds ran down the easel , heading for their limo as they herded for the reception. The family spoke on how happy they were from their marriage, friends giving their comments on how they knew the couple would get married as the couple laughed at some stories and comments about their relationship. The night ended with so much love and joy for the new couple, startint their life together\

Two years went by before valentines day came again, three years to the day he had proposed arrived. Happily and ready to celebrate Tamaki woke up to his wife missing, hearing her fumble in the bathroom. Heading to the room he was shocked to she her in a disarray , eyes foggy as she met his “Tama...i have a surprised” She said as her teras fell down her face. Confused and still a bit tired , he gave her a look as she handed him a blue and while stick. The word pregnant snapped him awake as more tears started to fall, handing him two and three more all with the same small but powerful word “Im..gonna be a dad?” He asked as she smiled, shaking her head as she hugged the trembling girl “T-tama i'm gonna be a mom..what if i'm not good enough…” She sobbed as he cooed her, kissing her lips as his tears fell with hers “You're gonna be great Butterfly, i promise, you're gonna be so so great” He said as his heart swelled feeling her lips against his ‘This...This is forever , a love i wished for...and i couldn't have asked for more of a way to live my life...i love you butterfly’

[newtedison]

my thoughts on the crank palace

i touched about this a bit on twitter (@newtedison_) but i figured i would Try and touch on my points more here (spoilers obv) again, its sort of lengthy

1. im gonna start with talking about the ending because i need to get it out of the way. either i havent read the books in a while and i forgot some canon (which could very well be true, i literally forgot that Bliss was a thing) or this ending makes no sense and is (somehow) setting up for a tdc sequel? so first off, newt was shot in the Head with a Bullet and somehow didnt immediately die? i know that that can happen in real life but it just seems so unlikely that not only would he not die, but he would survive long enough for someone from WCKD to transport him back to their labs and try to revive him. and who the fuck was he talking to? did thomas get newt’s journal at some point and i just dont remember? like i said, either im forgetting stuff or this ending doesnt make sense and is setting up a sequel which...i’ll get to later

2. why was this written? like, what was the point? i understand that this wasnt going to be all sunshine and rainbows but i feel like i was reading torture porn. like, literally all that happens is newt gets tortured (which is described in detail) by WCKD soldiers, has bouts of insane-fueled rage where he KILLS MULTIPLE PEOPLE, and then he dies. ??? what did this contribute to the canon? what was this trying to accomplish? truthfully, i never really wanted a newt-POV...well, anything except for maybe those little nuggets he wrote some time ago. but even if i HAD wanted a newt-POV novella, this is not what i would have wanted. he KNOWS that newt is almost universally the most loved character in this franchise. you can tell because he constantly uses him as a way to get fans in his good graces again. so why on earth would he take that character that so many people love and write a novella where its torture porn and a descent into madness before death? i am not interested in that At All. i’ve read fics (and even written a drabble) where newt is a Crank, and those were more respectful and easier to read than tcp. the parts where newt is having bouts of the Flare were literally exhausting to read; it was described in such vivid and torturous detail that it made me sick reading it. and it didnt help that newt is a character i care a lot about. i didn’t need to know what becoming a Crank felt like. the way it was described in the other books (and even the movies) told me everything i needed to know. the way thomas and everyone found newt at the crank palace in tdc and hes described as obviously not well, but not knowing what exactly happened to him...thats good enough on its own. the mystery of what exactly newt had to endure is part of what gives his journey more emotional depth. not everything needs to be written out and explained. not every gap needs to be filled in. 

3. me saying “the characterization felt off” is going to make some people roll their eyes because ‘duh, sami, the characterization will be off because he’s going insane’ to which i say...exactly. we weren’t really reading a newt-POV novella, were we? even if he isn’t past the Gone in the beginning, hes clearly not the same person we knew him as. the whole novella felt like an uncanny valley situation; i knew i was supposed to be reading about newt, but it felt like i was reading about someone else who looked like him. and that is part of what made this such a disconnect and made me lose interest at parts. not only that, but the world building and lore is inconsistent. newt makes a comment about how it used to rain in the glade, and apparently (as ive been told) that is simply not true. keisha having somehow working cell phone that magically connects her to her family also doesnt make sense. how would they have each others’ numbers? what are the odds that they BOTH found working cell phones in an apocalypse? i get that its a novella but you cant just throw something that crazy in there as a plot convenience. actually work on your plot and world building in a cohesive way, please. and another thing that doesnt make sense...

4. ...is newt finding out that sonya is his sister. if there was anything i would have wanted from a newt-pov novella, it would have been this. him finding out that not only is sonya his sister, but he already knows her post-WCKD. something that would have made this novella actually captivating, contributing something worthwhile to the canon that i would actually want to read, is if newt found out while in the crank palace that sonya was his sister; the Flare would remove that part of the Slice in his brain, and he would realize it was her. then, knowing that he couldnt go past the Gone before seeing her, he would try to find a way to get back to her. he could learn this after thomas and everyone originally see him, so it could match up with the canon. and then, by the time 250 comes along, hes lost all hope of that actually happening, and lashes out to thomas in a fit of rage. the journey of him trying to find his ACTUAL sister would have meant more to me than the story of keisha and dante. trust me, i love a found family trope as much as the next girl. but this series is FULL of the found family trope. it pretty much is the backbone of the franchise. so to see a blood family dynamic would have been a refreshing change of pace that i actually would have been interested in reading. also, the way that newt DOES find out about sonya is...underwhelming. he just randomly says “you remind me of my sister, sonya” to keisha in the WCKD truck. first of all, sonya is not the name you would actually know her by. you would know her by her birth name (which is lizzy? elizabeth?). second, why does he act like he didnt already meet her in the series? when the WCKD doctor tells him sonya is his sister and is alive, hes so surprised. wouldn’t he have known that already? why is there not more emphasis on the fact he already met her? that would have been a really interesting dynamic to explore, and im sad they didnt

5. the pacing and dialogue of tcp is so dragged out. i remember specifically there was a section where newt goes to talk to keisha after she starts abandoning dante, and i swear to god there was a page and a half of text before anything ACTUALLY happened or anyone ACTUALLY said anything. dashner described a launcher at one point as “the energy dependent electric firing projectile device.” that’s SIX words to describe a stun gun. a fucking stun gun! we know what it is! why did you have to use six words??? it just felt like everything was dragged and stretched to the longest it could possibly be and it added to the exhaustion i felt while reading it

6. okay i cant end it without talking about newtmas. its very obvious by now that newtmas is a VERY large part of this fanbase. its clearly the most popular ship and what keeps a lot of people interested in this series. even the marketing team for the MOVIES used newtmas as a advertising tactic (i.e.; using thomas and newt standing face to face as a thumbnail for the trailer, emphasizing newtmas based questions in interviews, even making a fucking facebook memories video for them. yes that last one is real). not only does dashner use newt as a way to lure fans in; he also uses newtmas. the parts that were sprinkled into this were so obvious that it didnt feel authentic. i cant speak for the original trilogy; i dont know the culture around ships back then, and i dont know how much it influenced his writing at the time. but the scenes in those books felt more genuine than tcp. by genuine i mean; he wrote scenes without a relationship in mind, but the chemistry had noticeable subtext that, while unintentional, was largely agreed upon by the larger audience. the parts of newtmas he added into tcp felt artificial and forced, likely as a way for people to take snippets of and use as a free marketing tool for him. one example you might have already seen; “he had already gotten used to his post-thomas, post-WCKD life.” the fact that dashner SPECIFICALLY used the phrase “post-thomas” rather than “post-his friends” or something similar shows that he is using newtmas as a hook on purpose. not only that, but to make newt’s last thoughts as he died “tommy. tommy will understand...” is...wow. first of all, i never wanted to know what newt’s dying thoughts were, but thanks, i guess? and second, when we all initially thought newt died underneath thomas with a gun to his head, i was pretty much inferred that newts last thoughts would probably be about thomas; they would sort of have to be, given the circumstances. so adding that in gives me the same feeling that “i’m coming for you, newt” at the end of the fever code gave me. not as offensive, but written very much on purpose. and the ending is implying that there will somehow be a sequel where thomas gets newt’s journal from...someone. at this point, i can only think that this sequel will retroactively make newtmas canon somehow. now that newt has been confirmed as gay, it could happen. which brings me to my last point...

7. hearing dashner confirm newt is gay was already mind-boggling before. now that i’ve read the crank palace...im angry. im very angry. i think its safe to say that newt is the character that suffers the most in this series. you can argue with me but hes definitely high on the list, if not #1. so; you take this character. you give him a horribly sad arc in the original trilogy, then decide to expand upon it and tell us, your largely QUEER fanbase, exactly how painful and torturous his last days were, in detail. and then you tell us he’s gay. something that is never mentioned in the canon, only in an offhanded reply to a tweet of someone calling you out. on a base level, i can understand why people would be happy. representation (i guess), seeing themselves in the character, having their headcanons be confirmed. great. but what i see is you telling your largely queer fanbase “hey, you see the only confirmed gay character? im going to literally write torture porn about him before killing him off and offer it to you like im providing a service to your community.” how fucked up is that? “hey, kids, if youre gay, you WILL be violently tortured and become violent and a danger to the ones you love. then you will die and your love will never be reciprocated.” what a message! and if he DOES end up retroactively making newtmas “canon” in some weird sequel...i will start foaming at the mouth. THIS is an example of how not all queer representation is good or genuine.

i’ve definitely forgotten some points but this is long enough already. let me know if you agree or if theres anything else you want to add! im interested in what you guys think

(8. I JUST REMEMBERED!!! if WCKD needed to study newt so bad bc sonya is his sister and is immune while he isnt, why did they let him run around the crank palace in the first place??? you cant test his vitals or anything you’re literally just watching him. what is the point????)

[megatraven]

you know i had do it ya... all of them. all of the watercolors

DSFRGTREDFR i appreciate u so much....... (wont re-answer th ones ive already answered tho)

cadmium yellow; when you think of the word “happy” what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

alex. is anyone surprised? probably not. alex is the biggest source of happiness for me at the moment bc i love them so much and think of them so often vuv

hansa yellow; what’s your guilty pleasure song?

god is a woman by arianna grande!!!!! love it

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

i hope it counts if it’s a fictional band bc Julie and the Phantoms own my ears rn

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

in my little apartment, in my bed with bunches of blankets and stuffed animals and snacks vuv

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home?

i don’t know! i’ve never really thought about it, and thinking about it now, i can’t pick out just one person. any of my friends, i guess!

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

i don’t have just one closest friend, i have a few. but my relationship with them is nice, we’ve made good strides to setting healthy boundaries, i think, and we can talk to each other about anything! :D

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

rest and relax, watch a show or maybe just turn on some music while I play lovestruck or lovelink, play some pokemon, and either write or draw! i also really like to nap, especially since i often wake up early on my days off, and most of my friends aren’t online yet. helps me skip to when they Are online

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

oh, i have many people who would be very supportive, i know. it’s not a matter of having someone for me, though. i just don’t know how to bring it up to them, so i usually just keep quiet about it whenever i am :’)

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings?

relaxing evenings, i think. slow mornings tend to frustrate me a little, but relaxing evenings are perfect

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything?

julie! and! the! phantoms!!!!! i mean i already bingewatched it but i keep rewatching it like all at once, that counts right???

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

right-brained B)

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it?

there are many, but i can’t think of any names or artist right now :^)

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

tiger tiger tiger tiger t-

vermilion; what’s your favorite accent?

right now? greek!

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

not really! just. girl or nb, i guess lol

scarlet; describe your current crush/es.

i guess i’m still nursing a crush from a couple years ago, though it’s much smaller now since we don’t talk as much but ummm she’s really sweet and funny, and endlessly kind it feels like. she’s so creative and smart and i love how passionate she gets <3 she’s a really good friend, too, and i really appreciate having her in my life in any amount :D

ruby; what does your ideal first date look like?

some cute little cafe-type place, MAYBE with some light hand holding, as we talk about whatever comes to mind, be it fandoms, our lives, etc.

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

just hanging out in the living room or bedroom, really. i don’t care much for going out, but if we went out anywhere at all, it would be lovely to walk down the street after a nice autumn rain vwv

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

no, and i don’t think i will ever really want to kiss anyone, thinking of being kissed kind of squicks me out. unless it’s a kiss on the cheek or hand or something, then that would be okay :)

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now?

oh hm..... well, at work, my coworker has been really nice about letting me play christmas music on the radio all day :) it drives him nuts, but he keeps turning it on for me because he knows i like it a lot. it’s really sweet. it’s not a huge gesture, but it means a lot to me!

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to?

the day that i finally adopt a cat! i’ve been sitting on it since around april but i just keep waiting. the day i do it, though..... i can’t wait!

violet rose; what does your dream house look like?

small house near the base of a mountain. neighbors not too far away, but not too close. i have a big yard, and a great view of the mountains i nthe area, and lots of trees. inside and nice and homey, soft yellows with accents of white paint the walls inside and out, and it’s filled to the brim with little knickknacks and things i’ve collected over the years

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down?

right now my heart is set on colorado because the mountains there were gorgeous.... i’d settle for anywhere close to some mountains though

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

i’d like to travel a little, visit some of the friends i’ve made, really do something good for the world before i settle

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

the rocky mountains!

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

i’m in a good mood right now! just getting to talk to my friends while i eat dinner and enjoy the things i love is a pretty good recipe for a good mood!

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

i.... hmm. im having a hard time remembering any recent dreams. i had to go look into one of my chats for the last time i mentioned one- i had a dream where i was talking and became friends with Mr Fruit, a youtuber i’ve gotten really into watching recently :)

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

honestly just me, a spouse, maybe a kid that we adopted (Maybe!!!!), and a LOT of pets. cats and dogs, at least one snake, some rats........

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

i’m okay with my name, though i think i’m starting to really prefer meg over megan. if i could give myself a different name w no judgement on what it would be, i think i definitely would tho

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

vanilla cupcake candles <3

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

i don’t have a favorite!

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

tiger lilies <3

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

ABSOLUTELY

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

cute. soft. mine.

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

i hear the sound of birds and crickets, and a babbling brook off in the distance. i see flowers that don’t typically grow together doing so for me, shifting lightly in the wind. a few critters bounce over the flowers from time to time- fox kits, rabbits. everything’s at peace.

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

hmm. yes and no? i think a lot of things for me would improve if i could just work up the courage to come out irl. even if i didn’t get the responses i would want.

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

france, cyprus, japan. i think the one i would like to visit most is cyprus :) i don’t have plans for the other two, just dreams vwv

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

not yet! but i’d love to learn french and greek and tagalog!

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

where the red fern grows

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far?

not any books, but i’ve been meaning to start reading cinder!

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

ratatouille vuv

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

eat dinner and drink water :) (im doing both rn)

umber; have you drank enough water today?

i think i’ve drank 2 bottles. not as much as normal, but i plan to drink more!

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

my scro friends :) (thats th name of our gc lol) there’s three other people in there and that’s typically where i go to vent if i have to. them, or my MLF friends. both groups always have my back and i adore them 

sepia; name five things that always make you happy.

alex, food, blankets, talking to friends, buying stuffed animals

indigo; what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received?

one of my coworkers once told me that he can see the passion that i have for art, and i don’t think anyone has ever told me that they can see it before. it meant a lot and i hold it close to my heart now :)

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

this is too hard my aesthetic is too broad ;( here’s my aesthetic tag tho

black; post a selfie because you are so beautiful!

im eating fried chicken rn so i will not take a new pic. instead, have this older selfie from 4 months ago!

[heliophilial]

𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒔 . (a tbz 3rd year anniversary special)

genre :angst ,fluff (more of brotherhood)

group and member involved :the boyz ,all members are involved !

between :the whole group and thebs hello cuties <3

warnings :u may or may not cry but i cried typing this so gluck ig HWUJDF

word count :844 (i didn’t count my notes to thebs and the boys in)

brief description :when all seems dull ,when times are grey ,it is only when we are together that the world gains its colour .theres no one else like you ,no one else like us ,theres really nothing like us .

playlist :literally just nothing like us by justin bieber like a 1 hr loop or smth ,depends on how long u take to read this

before you continue to read also please note that ‘we’ refers to thebs here !!

quiet .peaceful .light snores of the members filled the dorm .the room filled with nothing but darkness .black shade hovering over the members faces .they had just wrapped up a little celebration in the living room with cakes and party poppers to celebrate their 3rd year together not long ago .shortly after wrapping up the party ,they had fallen asleep on the couch ,all lying on one another comfortably .

sangyeon slowly blinked his eyes open .he rubbed his eyes and slowly unwrapped eric's hands from his waist and placed chanhee's legs that were on his lap onto the space of the sofa that he had previously occupied .careful to not wake the members up .

he looked at the members' sleeping forms and smiled ,glad that they were finally able to catch some rest after their packed schedules .he walked to the kitchen to fetch himself a glass of water and at the corner of his eyes ,he spotted a glimmering light .he placed his glass down and approached the light that was so very alluring for some reason .

there on the shelf of where all their awards have been placed on ,laid a book with its contents blinding his eyes with its bright light .he inspected the book for a while before proceeding to open it with caution .

inside the book ,there were sketches of the key moments the members have shared together such as their debut stage ,their first ever music show award as well as their first ever full length album promos .as he flipped to the first page that displayed their first moment together ,there were harsh winds blowing past him and a force from the book pulled him towards the page and right into it .

he looked at the 12 boys on stage ,introducing themselves for the first time to the whole wide world .and he looked at them with pride and honour in his eyes ,the boys' who had no idea what being idols would be like for themselves ,clueless of what the future had in store for them .he looked at them from the bottom of the stage and sucked in a breath ,"wow we've really grown a lot ."he thought .

after they had introduced themselves as a group and individually ,the sight in front of him suddenly pauses and his attention gets diverted to the door to his right .

he walked into the room .

he gets transported to the very first time they cried together ,over the pain ,over the stress ,over the tiredness of it all .

he looked at the 12 boys shedding tears of pain .he swallowed the lump in his throat ,the feelings of helplessness ,confusion ,fear coming washing over him once again as he sees the very moment they broke down .

tears flows down his face ,and that my friends are tears of the caretaker ,the leader ,the person whom the members depend on ,lee sangyeon .

as heavy as the weight he carried ,the tears poured like a fierce and powerful waterfall .

and then the door right next to him yet again invites him to step into yet another memory .

he steps onto the stage of road to kingdom ,and as he looks ahead the ending poses of all their road to kingdom stages are there right in front of him .all the members still and not moving ,just statures .

he walks down the long stretch ,as he looks at the legacy they left behind ,the power and strength ,the confidence from these stages that the members have gained progressively with each stage .

as he finally reaches the other end of the stage ,the screen opens up to when they had their 'the stealer'promotions .where they had their wins .

his smile grew wider and wider as he walked through all the performances they have done for the stealer and all the trophies they have gotten from the era .

and finally he reached another door .a door with a question mark on it .

he opens the door ,to pitch black .

darkness ,just darkness .and the fear in sangyeon grew ,"what does this darkness mean ?what is it gonna be for us ?"

suddenly , the door creaks open to reveal the members one by one .

sangyeon looks up at them and suddenly the fear stops ,hes no longer afraid as he looks into their eyes .

they ran to him and extended their hands out to him .

he proceeds to embrace all the members into a big tight group hug .drops of colour starts to paint the room ,slowly forming a picture showing the many stages they have performed ,every milestone theyve achieved ,the concerts ,every moment with their fans ,every moment together ,every vlives .everything starts out when theyre together .

we opened the door carefully ,proceeding to join our hands together and form a circle surrounding the boys .as we cried tears of joy and pride ,we hugged each other as well and this is when we knew

"theres nothing like us ,theres nothing like you and me ,together through the storm ."

for thebs

thank you for being one of the most caring ,loving ,welcoming and inclusive fandoms ever .to all the thebs all around thw world ,thank you for supporting them and giving them love as well .i love yall <3 lets protect them at all costs ♡

for my beloved boys

hello my loves ❤ik its 12 am in korea already but i still just wanna type this for you !so there's really a lot of things i want to say to you ,im sure many of us have already said whatever im about to say but i will still say it to remind you or to let you know that ,yes ,you do make me feel that way ,you do make me feel those kinds of feelings .

i dont know how ,like no nothing at all can show how grateful i am towards you .i cant tell you how many times there were this year when i just got beaten up (mentally)to the point that i couldnt even have the energy to stand back up and continue life normally .but whenever these times come ,ik i just know even though youre not here physically ,i know you want me to stop crying ,i know you would want me to stop hurting myself and i know you would stay with me even when my walls come crashing down onto me .you made me feel the greatest kind of happiness possible ,i never knew that this feeling was even possible to feel until i met you .

there was never a moment when i regretted stanning you ,supporting you and giving you all my heart and soul ,my energy ,everything .i just want you to know that you are so special ,so wonderful ,so incredibly talented ,so hardworking ,so beautiful ,just the most amazing bunch of people ever .ive never seen people so passionate ,so ready to help ,so genuinely loving and caring towards the people who love them .

i know its hard to be an idol ,and i know that its especially hard to even speak your mind ,speak what you wanna say without having the media chase you down .but i just wanna let you know that we are and will be by your sides forever .no matter what happens ,im sure ,very sure u know that u can run right back into our arms like how uve always welcome us back into urs .u are the people who made me feel the most bizarre feelings ,beyond happiness ,beyond joy ,beyond euphoria ,beyond all the feelings ive ever felt in my whole 16 years of living .

we are so proud of you of how far youve come ,how much youve accomplished .im so so proud ,so so happy to be able to call myself a fan of yours ,a theb ,someone who so dearly supports you .and i really hope you know that .i would wish for there to never be an end to this .for all i know ,im in this shit for life ,forever ,till the end .

im just so happy because of you ,i feel joy ,i see the light in life ,the reasons to live ,so much more prominent to me now because of you .there will come one day ,when we can finally see each other face to face and i can finally shout out to you ,my words of gratitude ,my words of thanks and my words filled with love and affection for you and just see your faces .but till then ,please take good good care of urselves ,rest well and eat well okay !we're always here ,remember !❤

its really been a rocky and crazy ride these 3 years ,you my friend ,are indeed the best character i can ever invite into my story 💜i hope youre sleeping tight ,i love you so much more than words can ever describe .with that ,happy 3 years to my favourites ,my loves ,my bbs ,my shining lights ,my everything ,happy 3 years to the boyz ❤💜💙💛 - berinne

[dragonwitch77]

Death’s Flower

High up in the sky, higher than any cloud could reach, higher than any mountain peak, higher still to the stars is the realm of gods. A land filled with prosper, with rare creatures that frolic in enchanted woods, with rivers that run with crystal waters, and stone buildings fit for kings of kings. Here gods are kings that dine on the freshest and sweetest fruits, living in laps of luxury and comfort.

On the highest mountain in the realm, in the largest building filled to the speck with knowledge lives the ruler of the gods. Zaman, the God of Time. With his power of time, Zaman was in charge to make sure that everything ran its natural course. Filled with infinite wisdom and knowledge, he was the most respected and well-loved amongst the gods.

Zaman’s daughter, Lyvia, was the Goddess of Beauty. Her beauty was unmatched and could never be replicated. She gifted young women with beauty and gifts of song. Many gods and mortal men wished to be with her, but Zaman, fearing his daughter’s arrogance for attention, kept his daughter away from prying hands by keeping her in the garden.

Lyvia didn’t mind as she could watch the mortals down below with the garden’s lakes. Every day she watched as the mortals struggled day in and day out, working and fighting against one another and finding it amusing when one should proclaim their love for her. But as the days went by, Lyvia started to feel an emptiness inside of her.

Day in and day out, she watched as mortal woman found love, baring children into the world. It left her envious for she had a soft spot for young innocents. She longed to hold a small child close to her chest, to sing sweet lullabies to calm their cries, to enjoy the simple outlook a child had on the world and teach a young mind the world around them.

But Zaman since refused to let her out of the garden or to let any man into his home, she could never have a child of her own with a man or god.

However, Lyvia was not without her cleverness.

If she could not have a child with another man or god, then she would have a child that she made herself. For long nights, Lyvia searched through her father’s ancient knowledge, looking over notes and studies for any hope to make a child. She asked her father, begging him if he had any idea how to make this child without a man.

Zaman, while not pleased of his daughter’s idea, could not provide her with any answers to her task. For how could child be born without both a woman and a man?

This did not stop Lyvia from trying to find an answer. Years went by, fruitless night searching her father’s study proved to be a useless chase. So, she called for the oldest god for help. Veleda, the eldest Goddess of Fates. Hoping Veleda had what she seeked, the younger god told Veleda of her woes and her desire.

Pitying the young goddess, Veleda whispered into her ear of what she deeply desired.

Joy leapt into Lyvia’s heart, and the goddess was filled with happiness. She thanked Veleda, setting off at once to fill out her heart’s desire.

With her new knowledge, she quickly set to work making her child. She told her father of her plan, begging him to gather what was needed to make her child. Hesitant, Zaman carried out his daughter’s wishes, for he wished his daughter only happiness.

Gathering all that she needed, Lyvia set to work making her child. But it was not a task that could be accomplished in a single night.

Despite following Veleda’s every word and task needed, Lyvia could not make a child. Her attempts would end with failure with disappointment and sadness filling the goddess’s heart. Still, she persisted, determined to have her child, no matter how long it took or how many times she failed.

Night after night she tried to make her child, and night after night she failed. With each failure, Lyvia wept with sadness, not understanding how she could not make a child. She deeply believed in Veleda’s shared knowledge, refusing to stop till she had her child in her arms.

Many long nights went by, until the ninth month one night, when Lyvia’s stubbornness finally paid off when a child’s first breath cried into the night sky. Her many trails and errors had finally rewarded her with the child she longed for.

Her very own baby girl.

)*(

Once word had gotten out that Lyvia had brought the new little god into the world, many flooded the hill hoping to see this newborn. Zaman still kept many of the men away from his home, but allowed some gods to enter, bearing gifts for his grandchild.

“Oh man goodness! Look at her! She’s absolutely prefect Lyvia! Look at her little fingers~! And her pudgy face! That’s a face of a troublemaker, I can tell.”

Caitlin, the Goddess of Felines and Large Beasts, cooed at the new little god wrapped in fine silk blankets in Lyvia’s arms. She was short in height with a big build in her body, though she claimed that she wasn’t round and just pudgy on all sides. Her skin was dark with patches of white on her skin here and there, dressed in animal skins that made her look more feline if her tail and ears and cat like face weren’t enough.

“Oi! You said that exact same thin’ ‘bout me own kids! N’ they all turned out fine!” Someone shouted from across the room.

It was the well-known God of War, Coriander. He was an odd ball god, not only for his short stature and even shorter temper, but for always wearing his armor and never taking it off, even when there was no war going on. No god or mortal has ever seen his face due to his large helmet and bright golden orange hair covering his eyes.

“Are you still wearing that dusty thing?! For the Sisters sake, take it off! That thing is covered in blood and who knows what else!” Caitlin chastise, her tail swishing to and fro. “In fact, don’t come any nearer than you are! I don’t want you making the baby sick!”

“But Ah want tae look at the lil’ one!”

“Darling, your own wife wouldn’t let you hold your kids in that thing.”

The hairs on Coriander’s neck stood on end, bristling with anger as he quickly turned on his heels and hissed. “Shut yer peck neck mouth Grunde!”

Grunde, the God of Music, simply smiled easily as he smoothly stepped around the smaller god. Grunde was a more easy going god than the rest, favoring as what he call, a time before it reaches its popular. He dressing was questionable as his clothing covered most of his body in a red scarlet that had stone sewn in, making him sparkle in the light. Not to mention how he had asked the builders for his sandals to have very questionable extensions, making him just as tall as the rest of the gods around him. While his dressing was questionable, it was his hair that caught most attention. Every dark hair on top of his head was somehow pulled up into a large bouncing ball of puffy hair.

No one was sure how the god had managed such a task, or how he could do such absurd thing and somehow managing to make it look fitting on him. Maybe it was his bazaar nature. Maybe it was just how he was. Or maybe, just maybe, he did it all just to annoy Coriander.

It was well known that the two had a long lasting rivalry. No one knows or remembers how their rivalry began, but it was clear that the two would never truly get along with each other.

“My my! So this is the new little god I’ve heard about!” Grunde made his way over, taking in the sight of the newborn. “Magnificent! She is truly stunning! Almost like her mother!”

Lyvia blushed, hugging her daughter close. “She has father’s blue eyes and my fair skin. I’m hoping that when she gets older, she’ll have my singing talent and father’s wisdom.”

“A grand thing to hope for darling!” Grunde cheered. “It will be a grand day to hear two lovely ladies singing together!”

“Jus’ as long as ya don’t spread yer gaudy taste in fashion to the child!” Coriander shouted. “We suffer ‘nough with you lookin’ like a walkin’ tomato!”

Grunde’s face turned red with anger, spinning around and storming up to Coriander where the two started shouting insults at each other that were so loud, gods could hear it from four corridors away.

The baby in Lyvia’s arm started to squirm as the shouting from the two gods disturbed her nap. Her face scrunched in discomfort and as the shouting continued, getting louder and louder with each insult, she started to cry.

“Now look what you to idiots have done!” Caitlin growled, her eyes turning sharp with anger. “You went and disturbed the baby!” With an angry growl, she stormed over to the two, grabbing each of them by the neck and dragged them out of the room. “If neither of you can behave, then you shouldn’t bother showing up!”

Lyvia could only watch as the two gods were dragged out of the room with loud protests before her attention went back to her crying child. “Shh, it’s okay young one. Mother is here. I’m here. I’m here.” She whispered soft words to her child, rocking herself back and forth till the child’s cries settled into whimpers and then lulled to slumber.

“I’m impressed.” A deep old voice startled the young god, but relaxed at the sight of her father standing in the doorway. “You hadn’t had her for more than one night and already seem like a natural at this.”

“Father. I didn’t see you there. Have you’ve come to lecture me again?”

Zaman chuckled, rubbing his short white beard. “No, no. I just wanted to see my daughter and her child.”

“Then come say hello. She is your granddaughter.” Lyvia smiled, beckoning her father forward and showing her child with love. “Isn’t she wonderful? One day, she’ll be big and strong and ruling over the mortals like a real god. And she will be well known to all.”

“Don’t make hasty predictions just yet my child. Let her be a child for now and a powerful being later.” Zaman lightly touched his grandchild’s cheek. “I want to enjoy having a grandkid around for a long time.”

Lyvia giggled, kissing her child’s head.

The happy moment did not last however, as the room suddenly felt cold and dead. Lyvia’s eyes were suddenly wide with fear and her skin turned a pale color. Zaman’s three eyes narrowed, turning towards the doorway where cries of shock and horror were emanating.

“So our final guest has arrived.” Zaman spoke slowly, his cape fluttering as he stepped out of the room and made his way to the main room where it was filled with gods and goddesses. They all were pressed against the walls, fear etched onto their faces as whispers filled the room with eyes trained on the one lone being that stood in the center.

The being was tall, taller than any god in the room. Even taller than Grunde without any silly sandal extensions. The being was covered by a dark cloak that concealed their identity, standing tall and straight that demanded respected with their hood covered head held high and their golden eyes void of any emotion other than disdain and irritation glowing in the darkness deep inside the hood.

“What’s he doing here?”

“No one has died yet have they?”

“Gods don’t die! We’re immortal!”

“Has he come to curse the child?”

“How evil!”

“Well! How… unexpected to see you here.” Zaman smiled, though it seemed forced and lacking of any real qualities of a smile. “What brings the God of Death to my humble home Se-?”

“Do not speak that name to me.” The dark god hissed through gritted teeth, pulling his hood back. “That name was given by mortals. I refused to be associated with anything they may claim to know about beings like us.”

Zaman frowned. “Come on, you don’t really expect us to call you by that ridicules name you keep insisting to use. Sepht—”

“Snatcher! It’s Snatcher!” The god hissed, his tongue flicking in and out like a serpent. “You better do well to remember that Tim!”

“Now there’s no need for you to get angry… Snatcher.” Zaman sighed with reluctance. “And why do you keep calling me Tim? I never get that with you.”

“Tim just seems like a you name.” Snatcher shrugged.

“Oi! Is there a reason where yer here spook?! Or did ya jus’ come here tae spoil the party?!” Coriander shouted, being one of few brave gods to not back down from Snatcher’s unsettling presence. Caitlin slapped him behind his helmet as Snatcher glanced over his shoulder, his long black locks falling like a river that raced down his back.

“Well if it isn’t the whole gang.” His mouth twisted into a wide unwelcoming grin that took up have of his pale face. “CC, Grooves… you.”

Coriander fumed, and Caitlin with several gods rushed to restrain him before he could do anything risky.

“As much as reunions are fun, I’m here for more serious matters.” Snatcher turned to glare at each god and goddess. “It seems that someone thought it was funny to sneak into my domain and rip a piece of my cloak out.”

With dramatic flair, Snatcher threw open his cloak, revealing his thin body and a massive noticeable tear in his cape. A silence over took the room as everyone stare in shock at the noticeable tear in the cloak.

“Now, normally I should feel offended. Immensely angry as well. But! Since this is a special day celebrating your grandkid’s birth Timmy, I’m feeling oddly… generous.”

Zaman cringed at the nickname, trying hard not to look Snatcher in the eye. “And what would that be?”

“It’s simple!” Snatcher threw his arms wide. “All I want is the culprit to step forward so we can have a… little chat down in the Underworld. We wouldn’t want to spoil this day any further now do we? Now, will the offender please step forward?”

No one moved.

They all remained in place where they stood, eyeing the Underworld Lord warily. Zaman could see the fear on their faces. No one wanted to step forward. And for good reason. Snatcher wasn’t called the Lord of the Underworld without reason.

For a god with thin, almost bone and lanky build, he was no pushover. His power was almost unmatched next to Zaman’s, with a dark thirst for war and gruesome battles that led to the death. Most had heard rumors that since he got tired of trying to wash out all the blood in his clothes, he wore dark colors to hide his enemies blood. And dark was right.

All his clothes, to his shirt and gloves, to his barbarous choice to wear pants. Even his boots were dark in black color. What type of god wore pants?!

It was uncivil for the Sisters sake!

“Come on people. It’s not really like you’ve got any choice in the matter. I just want what’s mine back, and we can all go our separate ways! It’s that simple!”

“Well maybe the culprit isn’t here, have you thought of that?!”

Heads turned to the doorway. Lyvia stood there, shaken and holding her child tightly in her arms.

“Y-You… you are not welcomed here Lord of Death! This is supposed to be a happy time for celebration of my daughter’s birth.”

“Lyvia, don’t dare draw any attention to yourself!” Zaman hissed.

“Oh! So it’s a girl then?” Snatcher strode forward, taking long strides with his long limbs. “I’ll admit that I was a little curious to see if the rumors were true about you having a kid. Guess they were right!” He shoved aside Zaman as the older god tried to stop him, stopping to stand in front of Lyvia and grin down at her. Since he was so tall, he had to bend over just to look her in the eyes at her level but still towering over her.

Lyvia was frozen on the spot as the God of Death stared her down. She couldn’t move nor grab up the courage to look away from the cold dead golden eyes that seemed to pull her in and drag her into an abyss that was slowly both drowning her and sucking her soul right out of her body.

“Peck neck spook!” Coriander shouted, drawing Snatcher’s attention away from Lyvia, snapping her out of whatever trance she was in as she gasped for air and almost lost her strength to stand.

“Hey now! We don’t need foul language around the kid! I’m sure Lyvia would appreciate if you didn’t taint her kid’s innocence with such dirty language. After all, little… I sorry, what was the kid’s name again?”

Lyvia jumped back as Snatcher turned his gaze on her again. This time she managed to keep her eyes down and not look into his eyes. “Get out. Get out if you are not here to celebrate my child’s birth and only intend to bring disaster. Like you always do.”

Snatcher scoffed. “If you can’t even look someone in the eye to tell them off, then there’s no way they’ll listen to you.” He turned his gaze to the child.

Wide blue eyes stared at him, woken by the commotion and found a new stranger staring at them.

Snatcher grinned as he leaned down close to the child, his grin widening as Lyvia shivered with fear. When his face was close enough, his skin darkened and his jaws pulled back, showing off his rows of long thin sharp teeth as his eyes glowed an unnatural yellow, hissing like a snake with a fork tongue dragging across his fangs.

The child’s eyes widened. Everyone braced themselves for the child to burst out crying. Scarred forever with a deep terror of the dark ruler.

But to everyone’s surprise and shock the child did burst out.

Laughing.

Snatcher reeled back in shock, his face returning to its normal dead pale skin and dark bags under the eyes. He stared at the child that continued to laugh at him, smiling brightly with her eyes twinkling with joy.

“… you… need to have that kid checked out.” He grumbled, backing away slowly with his eyes never leaving the child before turning around and storming out of the building with his torn cape fluttering behind him.

Once everyone was sure he was gone, their eyes turned to Lyvia and her child. The new mother stood there in shock. What had her child just done? Did she really just laugh in the face of death? She looked to her child, seeing her yawn and snuggle against her chest, falling right back to sleep.

“… Whelp! It’s official!” Coriander drew everyone’s attention. “Ah like this lass!”

“Are you drunk Coriander?!”

“Lyvia’s child just laughed at the Lord of DEATH!”

“That’s not normal! Even for a god!”

“But that’s where yer wrong! Lyvia’s child ain’t normal! The lass was made by Lyvia n’ her alone with no spouse! Ya can’t blame her or the kid fer that! We’ve never seen a god bein’ created out of the usual way, so we can’t really expect anythin’ normal!”

Murmurs drifted in the air as Zaman reached for his daughter, guiding her someplace to sit down after the whole ordeal.

“N’ besides, that peck neck had it comin’! He’s been a knife tae our side fer as long as we can remember.” The murmurs turned into agreements as many recalled the many ‘pranks’ the Snatcher had oh-so-kindly given them over the many, many years. “Ah say that it’s high time that spook was put in his place. That it was time we put him where he belongs! Fer him tae keep out of our business n’ stick rrrrrrrright where it can go!”

Cheers erupted and soon the whole room was in uproar, throwing insults and crud remarks about the Snatcher. Caitlin and Grunde watched as the room slowly turned into a crazy party that was supposed to be a celebration of a birth of a child.

“… please tell me most of them weren’t drinking when them came to this party.” Caitlin sighed, rubbing her face as a headache started to form.

Grunde sighed as many gods took out goblets and filled them with the finest wine. “Before, during, and probably after the party darling.”

[typicalmidnight]

iron man 2 running commentary

okay so watching iron man 2 for the first time and i have a feeling im gonna have lots of commentary to share so it will all be under the cut! i’m gonna keep updating it as i watch!

*starts watching iron man 2 without watching iron man first cause it’s not on netflix and is only 2 minutes in but completely confused*

*questions my intelligence because i was able to understand the other marvel movies without watching other ones first*

*wonders if somehow i haven’t seen enough tony stark on tumblr to understand but i’ve somehow seen enough of other things to understand other movies*

*cue suprised and upset anon* sorry anon!!

okay anon!! help me pls! is the guy in the very beginning of iron man 2 someone from the first movie, and if he is who is he?? or is he new in this movie? edit: nevermind i looked it up

omg the first scene we see iron man is so cooool i love it!

holy sh*t he just landed on a stage omggg *freaks out so much because WOW*

im not even 7 minutes in yet but WOW IM SHOOK

i litterally just watched that first scene of tony/iron man in awe the whole time

“the possibility of world peace” BAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAA there’s a whole lot in store for the world, and i can guarantee it wont be peaceful lol

the stark expo is year long?!?!!?!!??? wow....

oooh oooh oooh that’s happy!

tony with kids awww

OMG THATS PETER PARKER RIGHT

STAN LEEEE OMG AWWWW

wait what did tony do??

AHHHHH pepper!!

does tony like pepper yet?? are they dating??

god tony. his sense of humor omg.

pepper isnt impressed lol

tony is so savage we stan a queen lol

you’re right, it isn’t canada cause we’re AWESOME and dont have ppl trying to get rid of iron man

rhodey!! i know who that is!

litterally everything tony says is amazing

oooooh whats tony up to?...

world peace? dream on tony

did he just say f**k you to tony stark? UM NO YOU DID NOT

oof the scenes with this bad dude are boring

wait i take that back HE JUST CUT A TV IN HALF!!

“wake up, daddy’s home” god i love tony

i think im getting too excited about everything lolll

tony insulting that robot arm thing gives me life

whats that thing in tony’s chest?? im guessing it has something to do with him being iron man and was part of the first movie

im confused about the relationship between pepper and tony

oooh shes ceo congrats to her!!

is this actually good tho?? the look on her face isnt great

oh okay its good she was just suprised

are those like fake documents or something?

OMG ITS NATASHA!!! AHHHHHHHH I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE’S LIKE MY FAVE MCU WOMAN OTHER THAN MJ

i got way too excited there and hit my wrist on my wall and now it hurts

wait he doesn’t know nat yet??? HOW?!

also ummm natalie rushman?? that name kinda suits her?? ish idk

NATASHA IS A QUEEEEEEN!!!! I STANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i also got so excited about nat that my eyes started to water

“i want one” okay tony nat could knock you out in a second and she for sure doesn’t need a man! also PEPPER!!!!!! LIKE WHAT ABOUT HER!

its the grand prix! it looks just like it does in cars 2!! lollll i was super shooketh about that when i made the connection

OMG ITS NAT AGAIN YAY!

WAIT is tony gonna drive that race car??? is he gonna race??? OMG i hope he does

also my wrist still hurts

wait pepper is suprised?? tony you didnt tell pepper? TONY YOU DIDNT TELL PEPPER??? TONY COME ONNNNNN

OMG TONY WHY PEPPER IS CONCERNED NOW

also is nat working for tony or something

oof its 12 am i should sleep i have school tmrw

haha bish that reporter lady left cause ur boring and nobody cares about you

AHHHH TONY’S GONNA RACEEEE

omg tony is racing tony is racing TONY IS RACING TONY IS RACING!!!! TONY PLS DONT DIE OR SOMETHING

hello my name is leea and i’m a huge drama queen that loves and cares so much about tony stark

OMG ITS THE VILLAIN GUY ACKKK TONY IS GONNA DIE

im still super dramatic lol

and also 100% convinced tony is gonna die even tho i know that wont happen

IM GETTING SO MUCH ANXIETY FROM JUST WATCHING THIS AHHHH

THE VILLAN GUY IS GOING SOMEWHERE ONTO THE TRACK OR SOMETHING ACKKKK

i hit my elbow and my head (not too hard dont worry) and the elbow is the same arm that i hurt my wrist so now my arm hurts from my elbow to my hand

WHAT IS THAT GUY DOING HE JUST WALKED ONTO THE RACE CAR TRACK

i litterally pressed play and then pressed pause two seconds later ooooof

peppers face omg she is shooketh lol

WTF IS HE DOING??!!!!!! also wth is he wearing on his chest?

OOOOOOOOOMG he has his slicy electricity weapon thingies TONY IS GONNA DIE AHHHH

HE JUST HIT A CAR OMG I HOPE THE PERSON IS OKAY

^big example of me being a drama queen and innocent and sweet at the same time

HAPPY HAS WHAT IM ASSUMING TO BE IRON MAN SOMETHING

TONY IS ABOUT TO DIE!!!

i paused it right before he hits the car omg the suspense!!!!!

ANXIETY LEVELS RIGHT NOW

OMG TONY NOOOOOOOO

IM BREATHING SO DEEP AND FAST RIGHT NOW IM PANICKING FOR TONY (it’s called hyperventalating. future me remembered the word lol)

dude WHYYY would you take off your helmet??!!!!

there is a dude coming to kill you and i think a helmet would help protect you idiot!!

OMG THERES A CAR COMING AT THE VILLAIN GUY

WHAT IF IT HITS HIM AND THEN HITS TONY

THEY JUST EXPLODED OMG

i just choked because i was like WHAT JUST HAPPENED

there are cars exploding behind him and this dude just doesnt care!!

why have i started saying dude?

owww my wrist hurts

typing hurts

owwww

its actually really not that bad im dramatic

is pepper gonna save tony????

does the case have the rescue armor ive read about?????

HE JUST TRIED TO KILL TONY

*facepalms* tony WHY did you just hit him on the head with whatever that was??? what did you think it would accomplish??????? this dude just sliced your car in half and tried to kill you, do you think you can take him out by hitting him on the head??? just get tf out of there!!!

OMG HES GONNA KILL TONY

i just hit my head again (not hard it fine)

OMG DID HE JUST HIT TONY

I THINK HE JUST HIT TONY

IM NOT OKAY

AND I DONT THINK HE IS EITHER

AHHHHHHHHHHH

okay i’m going to bed cause its almost 1 am and i have school. anyway, this is the 100th comment which is kinda good to leave off at! i’ll finish watching tmrw and keep posting!

okay i’m back! about to start watching the movie!

ahhhhhh poor tony!!! i’m only a few seconds in but already panicking for him!!

omg hes getting ready to kill tony!! and tony is just lying on the ground!!!

pepper and happy come save him! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!

or nat!!!!

ahhhhhhhhh tonys gonna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with every second i freak out moreeeee

oh thank GOD tony moved!!!

that car just exploded omg tony almost diedddd!!!

AHHHHH TONY IS ON FIRE

how tf is he so calm!!!!????!?!?!?!?!?

i mean hes not that calm but way calmer than any normal human should be in this situation

is he just like used to people trying to kill him??

OMG thats soo saaaaaaaddddd

OKAY HERE COMES PEPPER AND HAPPY

please run over him!!!

OMG THEY ALMOST HIT TONY

but they hit the bad guy yay!!!

awww tony is bleeding!

well i mean thats kinda expected lol

oof tony is mad

OMG PEPPER IS SO PISSED

shes acting like a mom lol

OMG THE GUYS WEAPONS ARE POWERING ON

THEY’RE ALL GONNA DIE

TONY JUST GET IN THE CAR

OMG THE DOOR

TONY GET IN THE CAR AND HAPPY GET TF OUT OF THERE!!!!

tony just GET IN THE CAR

OMG THE AIR BAG

HE JUST CUT THE WINDOW

THIS SCENE IS SO INTENSE OMG

okay pepper i love you but JUST GIVE TONY THE CASE

tony your armor is taking WAY TOO LONG to get on!!!

AHHHHH LOOK AT THE ARMOR!!!!!

ITS SO OLD

like not old

but compared to his current suit

the “it’s nanotech. you like it?” one

its nothing

AHHH HE HIT TONYS ARM

AHHHH TONYS GONNA DIE

AHHHH PEPPER IS SCREAMING

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#drama queen much? #yes thats me

AHHH COME ON TONY

love how i’ve only gotten 3 more minutes into the movie and i’m already at 47 comments

OMG HE JUST WHIPPED TONY TO THE GROUND

omg poor tony!!!!

can everyone just leave my dad alone PLEASE

YAY TONY!! NOW THE BAD GUY IS ON THE GROUND!!!

oh thank god tony is okay hes not dead he won for now

eww he just spat out a bunch of blood

“you loose” how??? like what???

ooooooooooh wait no is tony gonna get in trouble.......

i forgot to say this yesterday but this whole scene with the guy on the track and stuff and the exploding cars in kinda similar to cars 2

i guess you cant have a racing scene in a movie without a car exploding tho

what is up with that guy with glasses?? like hes weird i dont trust him

why arent there subtitles translating whatever language they are speaking in (french? idk)

ya its french

ofc tony talks about the technology lol

and critcizes the bad guy’s

tony this guy tried to kill you WHY are you sitting down next to him??!!?

that guy is weird and kinda creepy

okay just f off senator dude nobody likes you, your opinion isnt valid, and i wanna punch you

“these suits exist now”????? wtf b*tch no they dont!

wait what ever happened to nat??

pepper is really responsible shes great i love her

what does that note say???

omg is that a bomb or something??!

why do guards always help prisoners escape like seriously

is that guy gonna take his place or something??

also he kinda looks like haymitch from hunger games

omg wait WTF WAS THAT

ALSO GUARD WHAT THE HELL

i was right! it was a bomb!

why did they throw him in a truck??

omg why are they in an airport?!

are they gonna help him escape??!!

why is there a table and people....

is that glasses guy sitting at the table?

i was right it is glasses guy!

i didn’t trust him from the start

why is he helping him tho...

friend? fan? what is going on?!!!???

YAYYYYY theres nat!!!

“erratic behaviour”??? what are you talking about???? he just saved himself from being killed how is that erratic?????!!

awwww poor tony

i beleive in you tony, and i love you, but no honey, you don’t know exactly what you’re doing you need help!

“software sh*t” aaaaaaaaaaahahahahhaahhaaaaa

make iron man look like an antique? ya no way is that gonna happen

is nat his assistant or something im a bit confused

aww tony is like so depressed i feel so bad for him!!

stannnnn nat

back on watch? what does that mean...

omg tony is so drunkkkkkk nooooo

ohhhhh tonyyyyy noooo come onnnn

you’re so drunk dude stopppp

god tony you’re so drunk pleaseee

wait why is rhodey fighting him anyway?

wow this is my 101 comment today and i’ve only watched 20 mins today

omggggg people are recordingggg this isn’t gonna end well

*sighs* oh god tony dont yell at them whyyyyy

omg tonys in the fire place!!!

omg that just happened. they just fired at each other.

also just saying tony, he does have what it takes to be war machine cause he continues to be...

ohhhh is tony okay??

im confused tho why did they start fighting in the first place?

okay i just looked it up, it was because he was being irresponsible and drunk, and putting people at the party in danger, and he wouldnt stop

ngl its getting kinda tiring to keep updating this but i’m gonna keep going cause i want this record for myself, and i’m not gonna quit something

ok i’m gonna continue the movie tmrw cause its prob gonna be a snow day (lol i left off at 111)

[domesticangel]

here’s a big ol dump of art thats been sitting in my folders for anywhere between 1-3 years that at this point ill probably never finish to accompany some Really Long rambling under the cut

im a junior in college now (””should be”” a senior/whatever that means/since i took a gap year but) but when i was in my like....sophomore-senior years of high school i drew like.....every. freaking. day. like literally i feel like i would draw like, 1 or 2 fully fleshed out, give-all-my-attention to type drawings every single day of my life, and i always had so much fun doing it.

after having a while to self-reflect though ive concluded theres kind of some layers to this. because i figure theres at least a little romanticization of the past going on, because i KNOW i wasn't a very happy person in high school; in fact, mental health wise, late high school into my freshman year of college was probably my very lowest point. i did lack motivation at these points, but not for drawing; i kind of put off school work and college prep, which wasn't good, but drew like HELL every single day, and pretty much all of it was fan art. thats one of the main differences between me then and me now; i used to dedicate so much of my time and energy to “fandom” and the media i was into, and it totally fueled my desire to draw, whereas now, i obviously still enjoy different series, but... my life doesn't really revolve around them like it used to.

the way i see it, i think i definitely used to use media and fandom participation as a form of escapism, but not really the good kind... i think it was more of a maladaptive obsession i failed to keep in check that i know for a fact really got in the way of my schoolwork, and i only doubled down when it came time to apply to colleges, because of course that stressed me out and scared me; during times like that, which was almost always due to my mental health issues at the time, i clung to fandom because its what brought me comfort and kind of shielded me from my responsibilities.

either way, that obsession with whatever media i was into at any given time is also what i think gave me that desire to draw all the time that i miss so much. i think being THAT invested in something is what actually gave me the constant desire to create, and being able to create something and feel accomplished in something without having to face anything uncertain or scary kept me totally hooked. so its weird trying to parse how i feel about that time period in my life.

on one hand, my mental health has gotten SO much better. obviously ive matured a lot since high school, so over time ive learned about much better coping mechanisms and ideas about mental health, ive gotten on a medication that works for me, and ive really gotten into my major so I'm really enjoying school as well. and obviously this is progress that i would never, ever, just want to give up or throw away. however, its also this progress that seems to have inadvertently influenced how often i draw, because I'm no longer fully diving into media/fandom because i dont need that escapism anymore, and therefore i don't have this like, feverish, obsession-fueled desire to draw like i used to. its kind of a double edged sword i guess and something i don't have a clear answer to.

i also think another factor i can't ignore is that i used to have a very large following in a lot of fandoms on tumblr, and if i remember correctly before i deleted my old tumblr i had around 12,000 followers that i had accumulated over probably the course of about 5 years. so that meant that my fan art got a LOT of attention. not to sound like hur-de-blur-social-media-is-evil but like at least in my personal experience, i kind of taught myself to think, “your art is only worth something if it gains a huge, instantaneous reaction, and peoples’ reaction to your art is the ONLY thing that decides its value.” and thinking like that really has hurt how i feel about my art over time! often times, after deleting my tumblr, i would find myself thinking, “well whats the point in doing any art, because nobodys going to see it anyway” so i honestly didn't draw or feel anything for art for a long, long time. in that time i channeled my feelings and energy into much more harmful activities, and i really could've used art at the time, but it had become such a worthless concept in my head since i could no longer associate it with immediate praise and attention.

i forgot a lot of important things about art, most importantly, how it could be fulfilling to just ME and that that was ok. i forgot that drawing regularly would help me improve, or give me something to focus on when i felt down, or give me the power to create something when i felt like i messed up everything else around me, or just make me happy because i thought of something i wanted to put on paper and then just put it on paper. and thats one of the main reasons i created this tumblr; i want to kind of rekindle that passion i had for art, but this time, without the maladaptive obsessions and without the need for approval from everyone around me. and i know this isn't a unique struggle; i know lots of artists who share their work online get discouraged by how little attention their work gets after they put so much time and effort into it, and like them, i don't have an answer as to how to “fix” this feeling either. but i can at least try. i want to prove to myself that the time i spent feeling hopeful and happy about something i created justifies its entire existence regardless of now many notes it gets, whether its OCs, fan art, digital, traditional, whatever. i just want to learn how to draw because it makes me happy.

that said, finding the motivation can be hard. however, i think I'm sometimes a little too hard on myself. I'm on winter break right now, and ive kind of defaulted to thinking “you haven't drawn enough, you've wasted so much time wishing the motivation fairy would visit you and make you draw that you haven't put in the time and effort needed to make yourself do it, youre pissing away every chance you have.” but when i think about it, i don't think thats true.

ive spent a lot of time thinking about OCs recently, which is kind of wild, because i haven't had the desire to make OCs in probably literally ten freakin years, so thats honestly huge for me--i actually really WANT to make original content despite the fact that i know it won't get as much attention as fan art, and i want to just do it for me, because i want to get it out. ive done a whole character sheet and I'm working on another! and sure, it didn't take me half a day like it maybe used to would've, but what does that matter? i thought, hey, i wanna get this out, and i got it out, and thats good enough for me. ive even written up storyboards in case i wanna ever make some small comics about my OCs just for fun, which is exciting cause ive never done it before. ive also been working on a commission for a close friend who wanted me to design her a fursona, and not only has it been a really fun process, but its the first commission ive done in a really, really long time, and it feels really rewarding. on top of that, I'm working on a painting for my dad as a late christmas present, and its my first really ambitious traditional piece in a while, so thats been pretty exciting too. and sure, ive done some fan art, but it feels like its coming from a better place; its less “please assign me value” and more just, really feeling something for the characters and wanting to try to connect with other people who feel something for those characters as well.

so, while it seems challenging, i also need to remind myself not to be blind to my own progress. i think i am doing better, and feeling better about art even if sometimes it feels like i spend way more time thinking about doing art instead of actually doing it. i think thats probably normal, and i think i can keep heading in the right direction.

ANYWAY this got really long but sometimes typing out how i feel about something and then reading it back helps me understand my own head a little better, so thats ok

[wynndygoon]

1st Anniversary!

This will be sort of a recap post encompassing all of what has happened over this first year. So get ready, this will be a long post!

I started this blog shortly after I got my drawing tablet as a means to try and get better at using the damn thing. Needless to say, I think that it has been more than a success and has also been an amazing opportunity to meet all of you amazing people who have gotten invested in Noma and what she is and who she is as a character. And, while this past year hasn’t been perfect, it has been a wondorous experience filled with laughs and new bonds that frankly, I never would have made otherwise. Same goes to me trying out new things such as streaming, downloading Discord, and just flat out putting my art out there in this world for people to see and hopefully fall in love with.

So this whole blog, and the lady we all know and love, Noma, wouldn’t have been here if it weren’t for chance. If you are new or never read the post explaining her past, the short version is: I had a Blaziken that hatched from an Egg in pokemon Black. It was a female, and I named her Noma, and it turned out that she had a bunch of good EV’s and IV’s, so I used her a lot through the game. Well when X and Y came out, I got the launch event Torchic that had better stats than Noma, so in a stupid move, I wonder Traded her away, hoping that someone else would like her just as much as I did. Fast forward a few months before I started this blog, and one of my friends traded me a bunch of pokemon since he didn’t really play much anymore. Long story short, he traded me back Noma. So while I had this idea about starting a pokemon ask blog, I never knew which pokemon i wanted to use, until Noma popped back into my life. As soon as that happened, I knew I had to make her my character.

So next came the design phase, and while I never was amazing at creating characters, I knew that I had to try and make her look unique to stand out from the crowd. And When I say unique, i think I went a bit too overboard with her, but at least we can still tell she is a blaziken, right? Anyways, I knew that I wanted to make her somewhat Tomboy-ish, while still having her be feminine as to not confuse people. I also knew that one easy way to accomplish this was to make her a little more fluffy and poofy, so believe it or not, I started with her hair design and went from there. I knew that if i could nail the hair, then everything would kinda fall into place. So that is why she has just SO MUCH HAIR, because form a design point, it was necessary. Also, making her wear clothes would help her stand out seeing as many poke-ask blogs leave their characters nude. Speaking of which, I am going to address something about Noma right here: SHE DOESN’T HAVE BOOBS ALRIGHT. I know it looks like she does, but since she has so many feathers and is very fluffy, wearing clothes would be difficult. So what she has to do is stuff her chest fluff into her tank tops, and purely because there is so much of it, it lumps up under the shirt. So all the people asking to see Noma’s “Chicken Breasts” ( those were some real asks BTW), sorry, no luck there.

________________________________________________________________

                   THIS SECTION IS ALL OF MY FAVORITE ASKS AND                                           REDESIGNS OF NOMA

So, now that I have the character created, It’s time to draw her and make a post on here. Im not gonna lie, that first night was nerve wracking. I didn’t have the slightest clue as to what was going to happen, if anyone would see the post, or hell, if anyone would like it.

But here she is, the main attraction in her first appearance on the blog. Happy, inviting, and not nearly as fluffy as what she is now. For some of you newer followers, yes, this is how it all began. Notice that she isn’t as tall, or fluffy, or as vibrant as what you know her as, but yes, this is what everyone saw for a couple of months while I started out. This WAS her design.

So, with this outta the way, it’s time to answer some asks, but to do that, I had to think of her personality. So, I just made her personality be fun. someone who can be sassy, sarcastic, kind, loveable, and genuinely nice. It’s up to you to decide o how well that comes across though.

This ask was: “Why are you such a Boss Ass Blaziken?” and this is where I went into her story in a little more detail and made it feel more like a story rather than a simple explanation of events. It was  the first question I got and I had a lot of fun working on it because at least one person took the time out of their day to send me something.

Here is Noma explaining her Favorite Region that she has been to. And this was kind of a first for the blog since we got to see what she looked like below the crop top. And yes, its just a crop top with her chest fluff stuffed into it. Take note how much shorter she was when I started this blog. Like, I never realized this before, but for a blaziken, she was a midget. Also, can we just ignore some of the glaring anatomy issues here? I was still kinda working on her design here.

And here we reach the first Big re-design of Noma. While not much besides her hair changed, this was the part of her life that she started dyeing her hair different colors to make her design more unique. She also has a bit more of a neck and her hands are also more suited to a blaziken’s with the gray part instead of all red like the first post. In this ask, she was answering what her favorite past times are. Out of all the asks that I have done so far back then, THIS was my favorite to work on, just changing up her hair style felt so refreshing and  honestly makes her look so much different.

THIS. FREAKING. ASK. this was the one that started a bunch of people to harass me to essentially draw nsfw of Noma. At the time of answering this ask, I was midway through a show called Panty and Stocking, go check it out if you haven’t, it’s hilarious and really good. But the ask was: “What is your favorite hairstyle?” So I decided to have a little fun and I started out just drawing the hair to make the reference to Panty and Stocking, but I thought that nobody would actually catch the reference, so I decided to go big or go home and reference the entire character of Scanty. If only I knew what kind of hell I would have unleashed for the next few months. Despite all of the perverted asks and messages I received, this was an insanely fun ask to draw, and it was also a challenge to try and recreate Scanty, but in a Blaziken form. Also, notice how her hands reverted back to red. I never said I was consistent.

So that slightly NSFW ask was the last actual drawing i posted for quite a while because then, I started college and was so nervous and scared and focused on doing well that i just didn’t have time to draw or play video games because of all the stress. I would literally wake up, go to school, go to work, come home, and sleep. and that was it. My next few posts actually weren’t Noma related, so I won’t cover them.

This was the first ask I had for ASK MAGIC which had Noma’s type change to water for 3 asks. Each of these weren’t all that exciting, but I am including this here because it was a milestone for the blog that NO ONE HAS USED SINCE! HINT HINT.

This wasn’t an ask, just a drawing idea I had for Halloween. She is still rocking her crazy hair with 3 different colors now and frankly, I have no idea what I was thinking giving her a rooster comb AND and ponytail, but hey, it works. SO if you couldn’t tell she went as a rooster for Halloween and her hands also magically changed back to red. But she also dyed her chest fluff in the shape of a heart which was another small design change.

HERE SHE IS THE FIRST MAJOR REDESIGN THAT ACTUALLY CHANGED SOME STUFF ABOUT HER. First of all, she doesn’t have the weird red neck that she had that just made her chest fluff look glued on, her fluff is on the entirety of her neck, and her neck is now longer, giving here a taller appearance. I also changed the look of her chest fluff to look like it surrounds her from behind also, and I changed the fluff on her face here too. Sure they may not be the biggest changes, but they made her a hell of a lot easier to draw and i think made her look better overall too.

This is just a better look of her, and is also my icon. See how she looks less like a midget and more graceful? The re-design was for the greater good.

This ask was SUPER fun: “My last ask was mean, but if you could choose any other type, what would it be”. This was when i could encompass all of what made Noma, Noma. The new redesign looks flawless, and we actually got to see an almost full body drawing of Noma. Glaring anatomy issues aside, I still really think that this was one of my better works of Noma.

I had a Thanskgiving ask set aside to put here, but I am really not too proud of that one, and also because it was during the time when I lost my grandmother, so I’m just going to leave it out so I don’t get too emotional about it.

You think I would have learned my lesson about showing Noma in anything REMOTELY NSFW, but nope, here we have her in her underwear. The ask was: “I am liking this new look!”  and yeah, I tried to go for a cheap visual gag, not only in the fact that she isn’t decent, but also in the name of her boxers. American Eagle in the pokemon world would more than likely be Unovan Braviary, like come on, that’s comedy silver at best.

Look at this Eye-sore. I tried to do a candy cane look wit her hair, but I think it fell flat and looks too busy. But the Ask was: “Do you have any jewelry?” While this doesn’t look as good as I hoped it would have, this was certainly a lot of fun to draw.

This was my absolute favorite non-ask post to draw because i used my actual ugly christmas sweater to design hers. I know the perspective is off here, but that is purely because of the angle I took the picture at.

THIS COMIC WAS AN ABSOLUTE BLAST TO DRAW, PLUS IT ALSO INTRODUCED NOMA’S LOVE INTEREST, EM, WHICH IS STILL A PART OF THIS BLOG SO SEND HIM SOME ASKS PLEASE. ALSO I DO NOT OWN EM, HE IS A CHARACTER OF BANANAMUTTBREAD, SO GO GIVE HIM A FOLLOW, HE IS AN AMAZING PERSON.

This was a difficult drawing to do, not because of the characters, but because of the shading and lighting, and yes, I know, its not the best, But I am still very proud of it nonetheless. But, yeah, this is a mash up of Lethal League which is an amazing game and Noma. The reason I chose Candyman to draw, was because he was simple, and because he is a pain in the ass to fight against.

By this point in the blog’s life, I had just bought my dog Bella, and started a new semester at college. With my toughest classes all piled on top of each other, i didn’t have much time to draw, so there wasn’t much to be posted then. However, I did introduce a new character, not a pokemon, but instead a bee character I came up with. Her name is Grain, and she is super cute, so go check out the art i made of her!

With me posting again halfway through last semester, the first ask I got was about Noma’s hairstyle. To be honest, I have no idea what kind of style that is, so let’s just move on.

Oh boy, my first piece i did on stream. This was another small redesign I did just to get back into the swing of redrawing Noma and making sure I could remember how to draw her. also, I tested out a new form of shading that I really like and will probably continue to use from here on out.

[leonbastralle]

Last Replies Of 2017

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset

Her colouring is so unique

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset

Wave is my favourite

that’s cheated i’ll have you know XD all their colors are because i wanted them to be unique. but....she’s my fave too it’ll be very obvious and it’s bad

thatsimslove replied to your photoset “Fast forwarding… Introducing Wave, Tide & Shore Miracle ♥”

Why does this family always have the most perfect children ❤️❤️

...because genetic experiments XD i mean, this time round! not always

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset

very good

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset

they did good

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset

very very much

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset

i love very much

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset

best. 100%

are you okay there my dude

amixofpixels replied to your photoset

Yep, I like this one very much.

EVERYONE LIKES HER MOST ME TOO I’M SCREWED (she’s not the heiress)

amixofpixels replied to your post “.”

Am I going to have to tell you that I love you, dearly, and nothing is going to make me disappointed in you.

sjfbskjfnaskjfnskfjas,ds well...you never know you might change your mind ;) but i’m glad you haven’t so far!

amixofpixels replied to your post “.”

Am I going to have to hug you until you calm down and know everything is okay?

that might take a long time :/ nothing happened, it’s just...general feels.

amixofpixels replied to your post “.”

Annie, I leave for one day to do family things, and I come back to this. Am I going to have to yell at you, for how perfect you are?

you’re like my third mum xD what did my child do this time when i wasn’t around??

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “Fast forwarding… Introducing Wave, Tide & Shore Miracle ♥”

But they all be cute, though.

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “Fast forwarding… Introducing Wave, Tide & Shore Miracle ♥”

If they are in order of their names, I think Wave is my favourite! ^-^

they better all be cute! I mean they are imo because I made them in cas and i wouldn’t have settled for something uncute xD but Wave is definitely everyone’s fave so far??

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “ooooOOOO I WONDER WHAT THAT MEANS”

BBBBBBBAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “ooooOOOO I WONDER WHAT THAT MEANS”

Baby time!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

pirouettingplumbobs replied to your photoset

Yesss she is my fav!

that’s Wave tho, you said Shore before...after? nonchronological replies are B A D

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Fast forwarding… Introducing Wave, Tide & Shore Miracle ♥”

AAAAAHHH LITTLE CUTIES

simphonics replied to your photoset “Fast forwarding… Introducing Wave, Tide & Shore Miracle ♥”

they're so cute!!

i know ;_; i died a little!

pirouettingplumbobs replied to your photoset “Close ups of all three! I don’t think it’s possible to have a favorite...”

I think Shore is my favorite!

shore is lovely ♥ looks and personality wise

dustofsims replied to your post “.”

I loveth you Annie!

aksfjbajksfnaksfjas you haven’t gotten any shit from me so XD

pirouettingplumbobs replied to your photoset “S: What, you mean I have to learn skills too???”

Bless your soul! I don’t think I could handle triplets

oh i couldn’t either, the nightmares plus a loud neighbor were THE WORST i just got through it because shimmer was there to help.

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset “Close ups of all three! I don’t think it’s possible to have a favorite...”

best

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset “Close ups of all three! I don’t think it’s possible to have a favorite...”

brb while i cry bc even tho ive seen them a lot they r still the best and im crying bc they some from the best and u r the best and this is gonna be the best

ashkfbaksjfnaskfjanskfjasnfakjsfnaksfjas i mean i hope it’ll be decent xD but they are cute it’ll be a bonus but also shut up

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Fast forwarding… Introducing Wave, Tide & Shore Miracle ♥”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THESE BEAUTIFUL KIDS

*ficuses up to u* alMOST as beautiful as U

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “I got tagged in the End Of The Year Tag by @quartzbpr /...”

Look at everything you've done but I do feel like shirtless President should be a thing too! 😉

this man has Betrayed me, but i can confirm that 2018 comes bearing some more shirtless Martinique and A LOT of shirtless Malcolm in his original universe...I mean...you can call not wearing clothes shirtless right oops is that a spoiler but yes stay tuned!

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “back pains ft. the one and only”

That tum! I love it

me tooooooooooo ;_; she was a good mum to be

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “I got tagged in the End Of The Year Tag by @quartzbpr /...”

Such good memories T_T baby Connie! My babes! The boys ×2! And my future wife 😍

I know ;_; feels like it was at least 2 years with all the stuff that happened!!

buckleysims replied to your photoset “I got tagged in the End Of The Year Tag by @quartzbpr /...”

And thanks for tagging me, by the way! :)

i was just really curious! i’m sorry i had no idea you were already tagged so many times.

buckleysims replied to your photoset “I got tagged in the End Of The Year Tag by @quartzbpr /...”

I love this! ♥ It didn't seem like boasting to me. Just enthusiasm and excitement, which is awesome!

sjkfnskjdgsd okay well, that’s a lot better xD

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset “ok sure”

you looking at Adam, tell me im wrong

you are not wrong

chaoticpxl replied to your photoset “don’t catch a cold my boys!”

if one of them gets a cold we get cute pictures of the other caring for the sick one? okay deal thanks

dEAL

frost-rainbowcy replied to your photoset

Dat bump though

well, she IS having triplets!

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “don’t catch a cold my boys!”

Annie, stay where you are, and I'm going to hug you, okay?

that’s gonna be easy, i’m not home and can’t drive and have no money with me so i’m stuck anyway ;)

pirouettingplumbobs replied to your photoset “back pains ft. the one and only”

She’s so big, no wonder!

don’t do triplets my friend

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “back pains ft. the one and only”

save her

soon

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “ok sure”

ok yes here it is the Biggest of Moods

she learned how to make the best faces from the master

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Charlotte: So? Conifer: I think it could work. We can fit three...”

bYE SHINE AND TRELLIS may u rest with the stars bc now ur homeless

fun fact theyre actually living with flameus these days because i cant b trusted with giving multiple households a good life

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Goes to her sister’s place, occupies her computer and starts chatting...”

GLADE......... i love her so much

s a m e

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Glade is back again, and she’s getting bigger!”

what a happy mom to be i cry so much!!!

mE TOO ITS SO GOOD TO SEE HER LIKE THIS??? I WAS A BINCH TO HER NOW THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “C: Mission accomplished: have table cut through your bump”

that...... cant b good for the babies' health charlotte pls watch out

dw charlotte has som medical knowledge

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “moods”

tag urself im charlotte

moi aussi

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “HAPPY WINTERY FICUS FRIDAY!!!!”

dan catii chill with the caps lock but then again it was Needed

i cry v much abt caps lock pls never chill unless u rly want to

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “HAPPY WINTERY FICUS FRIDAY!!!!”

bABIES!!!! THE SECOND POSE WITH FICUS' HAND ON SNOWDRIFTS CHEEK???? IM SHOOK I DIE I AM D E A D also THIS IS SUCH A FINE WAY TO END 2K17 FICUS FRIDAYS HERES TO A GR8 SNOWDRIFTICUS 2K18

i kNOW FUCK I KNOW FUCK THESE BOYS i wish they were actually the last thing i posted but you cant have everything

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Glade is back again, and she’s getting bigger!”

ahh she looks good with her little bump! ;_;

i know right ♥

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “OOOOOOOOOOO HERE SHE COMES”

What a jam

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “OOOOOOOOOOO HERE SHE COMES”

WATCH OUT BOY SHE'LL CHEW YOU UP

the one and only!!

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “OOOOOOOOOOO HERE SHE COMES”

wATCH OUT MAR SHELL CHEW U UP

AAAAA BEST

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “OOOOOOOOOOO HERE SHE COMES”

https://vine.co/v/iKqxxzKlnDZ/embed/simple

THANK YOU

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “C: Mission accomplished: have table cut through your bump”

Me, impatiently waiting for her to give birth

all in due time ;)

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “HAPPY WINTERY FICUS FRIDAY!!!!”

Even though I'm very tired and with pain, I'm here to give you some well earned love. This is great, everything you do is great, and everything you will do, will be too. ^-^

;__________; THANK YOU i mean i too think this is great and to think i had so much trouble with wifi stuff for this...it was WORTH IT

ladyanyarose replied to your photoset “HAPPY WINTERY FICUS FRIDAY!!!!”

Is is generation 8 yet? I need more of these two. They're just so cute. 💜

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA RLY??? ;_; i wish it was...but it’s still gen 6...getting closer to 7 tho!

simxnoire replied to your photoset “G: Are you even listening??? C: Sure am! I was just thinking. About...”

me: breathes me me: ORANNNNNNNNN

his face reveal is in my drafts too!!!!

pixeldemographics replied to your post “lil notice”

ill go there punch wifi in the face

yes pls come here

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “G: Are you even listening??? C: Sure am! I was just thinking. About...”

Awwwwww how cute

♥♥♥

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “G: Are you even listening??? C: Sure am! I was just thinking. About...”

pLS DO THE DOUBLE DATE THING

it turned into a double date with tots but...it happened it counts

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “G: Charlotte! It’s so good to finally see my sister where she belongs....”

Smh glade but also i LIV FOR JOINT PREGONATE WOMEN

sAME

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “G: Charlotte! It’s so good to finally see my sister where she belongs....”

WAIT SHES PREGNANT TOO!!!!

HAAAAAA YESSSS SHE IS!!

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “G: Charlotte! It’s so good to finally see my sister where she belongs....”

Thats my girl getting roasted

always

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “Conifer: This is good, right? You, me, the babies. Us. Charlotte: The...”

I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH

AND THEY LOVE YOU TOO

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “A professional.”

uhhhHHHHHH IS SHE OK

u kno...........sometimes u get Distracted

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Conifer: This is good, right? You, me, the babies. Us. Charlotte: The...”

yES IT IS ITS DA BES

DID U MEAN: YOU AND UR COMMENT SPAMS

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Charlotte: How’s it going, Connie? Finished a book? Conifer: I did!...”

whos this editor i want Words with them

idk man i rly dont know but same

[vanta-velouria]

I had a cold dose of reality last night.For a brief moment in my life i let my reality slip and thought maybe my world could be some semblance, some pieced together reflection of what other people lives are like. I for a small time stupidly thought i could have something to hope in, but hope is not a luxury afforded to people like me. 

I am a shit Buddhist, I am a very jealous person and i cant ever seem to let that go. I am jealous of everyone for everything. When I was a child I was jealous because everyone else I ever saw had a family. they had toys and easter bunnies. They had kisses on scraped knees and birthday candles. They had mommies and daddies who loved them. 

I had abuse. I had rape. I had violence and beatings, Eventually I didnt even have a mother because i was too pretty to be kept around her husbands so I got tossed away like rubbish. I was a problem and I was only good enough to come back for when I was old enough to raise her children, clean her home, get a job and pay her rent and her bills. 

while everyone else got sweet sixteens i was a seasoned sex worker with a full time job and three kids to take care of and bills to pay. while everyone else got to stay in high school and go on dates and go to parties, I got to go to work and get my ass beat and screamed at and reminded how worthless i was.

While everyone else got to go off to college and have friends and a social life, I fought my way to pay for college working two full time jobs and whoring myself on the side that maybe one day i could afford to stop having to struggle to just barely survive. I may have looked like i had a glamorous life in college, I modeled and had nice trinkets and sang in dive bars and coffee houses, but I over glamorize my recollections because it makes it easier to swallow. I modeled because it was extra money and would work around my other two jobs and school schedule and being yelled at and degraded for every imperfection on my body isnt something i would ever wish on anyone else. I had nice things and stupid toys, but they were gifts from the men i whored myself out to to pay for college, not presents from some one who loved me or anyone special and it rarely if ever made up for the things they did to me that guilted them into the stupid gifts! and I sang for spare change and whatever money i could make to try to e able to afford a meal every now and then. When you live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and you're poor, you will do whatever it takes to get something to eat once in a while. 

While everyone else got great memories I had reality.

 While everyone else had parents and family that went to their graduations, I had to beg and plead and pay my mother to come to mine of which she only came to one, just one, and only because i paid for her plain ticket and took her out to a fancy restaurant and took her shopping and gave her money and as soon as she was done in the city i gave her money for a plane ticket back to her home. I dont think she even actually went inside to watch me graduate from college. 

Wile the rest of the world gets their mommies and daddies to plan their weddings and walk them down the isles i didnt even get a response to my invitations. I never got to have a real wedding and nobody ever responded from my side. no one ever even looked at me when i was so happy to think maybe i would have someone who would stay with me and not hurt me anymore. nobody even noticed i was there. 

when I almost died and ended up in the hospital more times than i care to count, you think anyone ever showed up for me? you think anyone ever called? only once did i have a friend show up with my dad and that’s only because my dad lived with me and it was in his old car that i got hit and almost killed in. hell after that I never even had anyone come visit me. nobody could have cared any less. when my spine got demolished and i had to have emergency spinal surgery, do you think anyone gave a single shit? nope, I didnt even get but two weeks to recover from the surgery before i had to move and go immediately back to working two jobs to barely survive.

when i finally found a way to start transitioning, i thought maybe just maybe something good will get to happen to me and i can finally have one thing thats just for me in life. I was working two full time jobs and taking care of someone elses home and family at the same time and once again had to go back to sex work to buy groceries and maybe just maybe save a little here and there for my doctor appointments and my hormones. I went through hell just to afford to transition all the while being abused by my wife and the people we were staying with. only two find out after three years of working myself to death to try and even just accomplish this one thing, that i will never be able to physically transition. I wasted all that time and effort and money. the things i had to do to get that money.. all for nothing. while everyone else gets to have hormones and surgeries and even if they get misgendered they at least get support from a friend once in a while. i have always and will always be misgended every minute of everyday by everyone in my life save for three people, two of which i never get to talk anymore and one i only recently became reacquainted with. i will never get to look in the mirror and see anything other than this worthless piece of shit body that isnt good for anything except for other people to fuck once in a while when their drunk and im desperately hurting for money.

whenever my life falls apart do you think i have anyone in the entire world that i could call and ask for even a hug? because when my wife hurt me and left me 4 months ago and i had to live in my car, I tried. I begged everyone i knew to spend time with me and give me a hug. and when my wife finally left my home and I could stop being homeless I offered to pay anyone i knew a lot of money and buy them a plane ticket to just come and stay with me for a week and let me cry. not that I had many people to beg, but every single one turned me down so fast. I put an ad on craigslist and back page offering to pay anyone to just come and stay at my house so i wouldnt have to stay in my home alone. yeah that didnt end well for me and I should have known better, but god i was so tired of being all alone. 

while everyone else can thing of someone, anyone they can call when it all goes to shit, even if they think they have no one they do. they have a friend or a cousin they can go sleep on their couch or a parent they can go back home to even if they dont like the home situation they still at least have that option. 

when my wife was punching my face in i didnt even have friends to cry to or run to or stay with, nope the friend i thought i had took my wifes side and basically said i deserved it because i made my wife miserable by not giving her the life she had wanted. anyone else would have had somewhere to run to or someone to hug them.

I can in all honesty without a shadow of a doubt tell you that when the world falls apart i have never had anyone. not one person i could go to for a hug or a couch to crash on. not one place to call home and run to. and while everyone else gets to fuck it all up and fail and run away and lose themselves and find themselves and just breathe. I have never gotten that luxury, I was always the one everyone turned to, ran to, lived with, lived off of, used, abused, lied to and cheated on. I was always the one saving everyone else and keeping them from ever worrying or having to struggle. I was the one always giving everything up so that everyone else could have a better life. ive never had not one person in the whole world ever offer to give me even a day of peace. 

I will never get to break down, I will never get to fall or fail or run away like all of my exs and friends and everyone i know has. I will never know what its like to have a childhood or a birthday party, I will never know what its to have someone to run to and save me. I will never know what its like to be happy in my own body. i will never know what its like to not have to constantly work two jobs to just try to survive from all the debt and mess that my exs have all left me with when they all take off for fancier lives and richer people. I will never know what its like to have a family or even just a mom. I will never have anything. 

so while everyone else gets to gone on grand adventures and go to concerts and travel the world and have friends and go to clubs and go on dates and transition and have family they can visit and people who love them. while everyone else gets to fall apart sometimes. I will never know not one small faction of what any of that is like. 

that kind of life was never meant for someone like me. that kind of hope was never something i could ever even be allowed to dream of. I am not even a person. I am merely a body for others to use, to take from me what they need or want. money, time, love, sex, hopes and dreams i silently stowed away  knowing i could never have. i am just a thing for people to take everything they want from. and things arent allotted niceties such ad dreams and hope and places to run to. we are just things that exist to be used until we fall apart and are discarded for something better.

i forgot my place in the world for a while there. I have a boyfriend that was kind, even if he isnt in love with me. i have a friend who talks to me more than once every few months via text. i have my dogs and cats that let me cry on them when everyone else is asleep. i for the last few weeks have stupidly forgotten my place in the world and though that maybe, just maybe the univers was going to let me have a good thing. even if it was for long that maybe i could have a reason to wake up in the mornings aside from my obligation to my pets. I thought maybe i was finally going to have a reason to not want to die every minute of my life. 

but thaknfully i got reality checked and i was able to pull my head out of someone elses cloud, some one elses daydream. Thankfully i was reminded before i fell too deep into another persons heaven that things like day dreams and hope and love and friendship and kindness just arent meant for things like me. those are meant for people, not for me. I am just a thing to be used. I am not a person, never have been and never will be. 

For a moment last night i thought, what a dangerous thing it is to have no hope, to have nothing to believe in. what a dangerous thing that would be. if you have nothing than you have nothing to lose and nothing to keep you from running away and just cracking up and finally going mental and killing everyone you can in the world.. but then my dog woke up and shifted around and i was reminded that even though i have no hope, no dreams, nothing to keep me breathing for, I still have five little furry lives i am obligated to and responsible for. fucking exs always running away and leaving behind their responsibilities and pets for me to have to care for and give good lives to.

but my pets are all getting old now and ive bide my time this last almost decade and as much as i will miss their kindness and love, its only a matter of time before they all die and i will have nothing left to keep me here breathing for. it only a matter of time before i can end it all and have nothing left to stay around and suffer for. its only a matter of time before my tired, broken, used up body can finally have some peace.

im not even angry, im just grateful that i didnt forget my place for too long. because i think in all honesty i was wrong last night. not having hope isnt the most dangerous thing, having hope is. 

[dadmilkman]

i never really post on here personally because i migrated to twitter a few years ago and the appeal of tumblr left me shortly after but ive talked about this topic ive had on my mind on twitter a lot already and ive bugged my friends in their dm’s too much but i still need to get it off my chest so im gonna talk about it some more anyway

in november this past year i messaged an artist hosting a secret santa event pledging to participate, and the next day they sent me back saying, no, i cant participate, because my art looks “too traced”

i dont post my art on this blog much anymore since i started posting it on my sideblog but i do draw fairly often and for years, for YEARS, one of the things that has contributed to my horrible, horrible depression (besides like, everything else) is my very bad habit of comparing myself to literally everyone and everything else. its taken me a long time to start trying to break this habit and not feel bad about my own abilities or skills in comparison to other people, and to this day im still struggling with it. art has been a personal battle for me, as it is for anyone who creates things regardless of what it is, and ive given up, sometimes for months or years at a time, only to eventually come back and start drawing again and then hate how far behind i felt because of all the time i spent not improving any at all.

so fast forward from 2012 where i “seriously’ start drawing to the start of last year, after going through maybe 3 hiatuses where i didnt draw for over 6 months, to where i finally bought my own tablet (after borrowing off my girlfriend or just drawing with pencil) in april and started actually seriously drawing again, all summer and during school even i was just drawing out the ass, all the time, i was putting more shit down than i had for a long long time and it was bad but i was real proud of it because i was creating things! and thats what ive always wanted to do, is just put stuff out in the world. to make things with any sort of permanence. so all last year i was really pleased with my progress and i was even getting better at drawing faces and coloring so i was real pleased.

so i get into a few new hobbies during the year and start following a bunch of artists on tumblr, or blogs that promote other artists, because id gotten to enough of a point where seeing other people accomplished at art didnt make me feel quite so bad about myself as it used to - i was able to look at other peoples success with pride on their behalf and not anger or jealousy. and at this point id start liking a little bit of my own attention, so i make a separate art blog dedicated to my art and my characters. and theres this one artist i really admired. they draw nothing but their oc’s, which is also nothing but what i draw too, and they were popular and everyone liked their characters and they had lots of artists friends they could talk with and do trades with and it was and is everything i wanted to be. i wanted to be that sociable and liked and known, even if it was just among a small group of friends in a small part of a niche interest, i wanted to participate in something.

so i see this secret santa i really want to join, hosted by none other than this artist i look up to, quite a lot. id sent them a few anons before with various questions on things and felt comfortable enough to message them and ask about joining the secret santa. i was finally comfortable enough in my artistic abilities to want to join, too, which was huge for me. so i message them, and wait for them to message me back.

and they do , the next day, and its to immediately tell me that my art looks too traced and that i should “stay away” from their art trade. as any aspiring artist will tell you, tracing photos is good. it helps you get muscle memory and learn perspective, anatomy, blah blah. as long as you dont do anything with it or pass it off as your own.

but tracing photos or god forbid other  peoples art and then posting it online and saying “look at this thing i drew all by myself arent you proud!?” is entirely different, and obviously isnt something ive ever fucking done, but its what they wanted to accuse me of, saying i was being deceitful and that other people in the trade would be mad if they knew. so, no, ive never done that. i never said ive never traced photographs before, i do it all the time to practice poses and anatomy and then i send them to my friend and say “ha i drew my characters doing this thing” and like, thats the only light of day it sees.

but apparently this artist was and still is under the impression that everything ive ever drawn was traced, as if i never put any work into anything. i do. i dont even know how to express that statement enough. i do . i do put hard work into the stuff i make. i practice and i draw and i sketch and no, im not fucking great at art, but it makes me happy and i can draw my ocs and thats really all i want to be able to do, so when someone comes to me , someone i looked up to and admired , and accuses me of being a liar and a fake, it hurt.

and of course i tried to explain i dont trace my art? i used photo references, a lot. sometimes ill take a photograph of myself to use as a reference too. i have a bunch of pvc pipes in my room i use when i need a ref of someone holding a staff or sword so i can make the angles better. i have a reference blog i use heavily and most of the time the outfits i draw are from stuff i see models wearing and want to put my ocs in. but i dont trace it, and that accusation hurt. the only thing i ever “trace” when i draw figures is a stick figure on a pose, IF im having trouble, like this 

and then the rest of the drawing, the lines, the hair the clothes the face, whatever, i draw that free hand, its not like i sit there and trace a whole photo or drawing? and if i did im not gonna...post it online and pretend i did all this hard work? and this is all the same thing i said to this person, i admitted to doing this stick figure technique, and that i sometimes trace photographs but i use it as a mechanic to help me improve anatomy accuracy and not as a cop-out for doing my own work and ive never passed off someone else’s skills as my own like they were insinuating. i mean, is this tracing? ive seen self taught and professional artists (and artists/photographers like senshistock, where i get a lot of refs) use this or a similar stick man figure approach when trying to draw people. i never thought i was doing something deceitful , and not to mention i dont even do this with every thing i ever draw. just stuff with weird angles or if theres a specific pose i want to capture correctly. i cant tell if this criticism reminds me too much of the argument circa a few years ago that using references or photos of any sort at all was cheating, or if this is genuine criticism and its a practice i shouldnt use anymore. which i havent been doing anymore anyway.

it was so infuriating to be confronted with this and have the whole argument portrayed like i was a sham and i was duping people on purpose. “stay away from the art trade” was their exact words. it hurt a lot and it still does, and its still killing my confidence every day. ive been trying to move on from the whole thing but when someone you admire shoots you down like that, i just dont know how to keep going knowing them and other people they apparently talked to about this are looking at my work thinking im a cheat. this has been on my mind nearly every day for 3 months and its killing me.

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

[babygirlcastiel]

hi if i have to do all the aesthetic asks then so do u ily 💕

ur gay

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

- today in the car while i belted toto africa 4 times. the minimum quota of times i listen to that song in one day

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

- see theres lots of things about my life i would want to know but most of them aren’t like, gonna be good for me to know. so just tell me what i name my first cat or if my hair is pink when im old idk

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

-being not dead!

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

-yesterday i went on a hike with my dogs !!

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

-other than idk not die probably not

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

-graduate college, get rich, fuck bitches

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

-gay. green hair. but not my roommate, my OTHER gay friend with green hair 

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

-depends on how young childhood is i guess?

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

-LOL last week my life was falling apart and then i ordered the wrong sandwich so i sobbed for 45 minutes straight while driving through denver traffic with all 3 of my roommates in the car and lemme tell you they were shook

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

-hmm bad question i pick all of my friends together huddled on a blanket with hot chocolate and chocolate liquor 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

-? i do that constantly. isnt that kind of what im doing right now

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

-probably kelsey and shelby and madison, theys my roommates

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

-nope

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

-what kind of question is this?? all eyes are good eyes wtf

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

-THERES TOO MANY. lets go with this last bit of mary oliver’s ‘the summer day’ 

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.I do know how to pay attention, how to fall downinto the grass, how to kneel in the grass,how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fieldswhich is what I have been doing all day.Tell me, what else should I have done?Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?Tell me, what is it you plan to doWith your one wild and precious life?

this just?? sums up my year of college and my philisophy professor read it to us the last day and cried and it means a whole lot. the whole poem is fucking awesome too, you can find it here!

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

-”fuck”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

-quarter of it goes to my parents, another quarter of it goes towards making sure i can pay for college/food/bills/and the other necessities  etc so my parents don’t have to pay for anything, next quarter gets me an apartment in denver, last quarter goes to me and my sister for cool shit and concerts

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

-im too forgiving when i need to be harsh and too harsh when i should forgive. 

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

-calm down. kiss that boy, be best friends with his litter sister much sooner, tell your parents you love them. annoy your sister. and for the love of god ur gonna be okay babe just breathe a little

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

-neither. i describe myself as a 2009 scene girl and billie joe armstrong getting lost in an REI and having a baby. im the baby

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

-got two stick and pokes, a septum piercing and a bridge (only one piercing but i’ve gotten it done twice now) and holy shit i can’t wait to get more of both

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

-i wear minimal makeup except for highliter which i plan on putting enough of to horrify anyone who actually knows anything about makeup

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

- SIA keeps be breathin my dude

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.\

- CALM DOWN

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

- uhhh carlos santana, fall out boy x3, panic at the disco x3, twenty one pilots x1, paramore x1, jason mraz x1, barenaked ladies x1, and honestly theres a lot more but i cannot remember there are?? too fuckin many

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

- ghengs khan. and i want it to say ‘eat more pussy’ with his signature at the bottom

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

-not currently but in denver i did and it was very very organized and clean and perfect and beautiful

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

-well i either shower or wash my face depending on if i showered that morning, then i use apple cider vinegar mixed with water as a toner, olay moisturizer on my face, i clean both piercings, then normally brush and put dry shampoo in my hair, moisturize my tattoos then the rest of my body, then brush my teeth, drink some water, then lay down !!

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

- honestly not much

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

- i would never dye my hair. my natural bubblegum locks are all i could ever ask for

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

- i dont mean to sound like an ass but 5 isn’t enough i have a lot of friends. i choose, my roommates, my emily, my roommates sister and her roommates, carly & The Gang, nicole and jess, my sister, my friend brynna and every dog ive ever met. 

we’d go to a big lake

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

-magic wand that heals all illness, acne, wounds, etc. to fix all of it

-shapeshifting powers so i can be a jellyfish in my spare time

- talk to animals. because no fucking shit

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

-OOH HEE MAMA. i once had a panic attack and yelled at some dude?? i dont remember why all i know is i was in his house and scared and i feel bad about it. also we’ve all puked a lot but thats not exciting.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

-kill a dog

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

-toto africa because it’s all i listen to anyways and if i could only see one person i’d choose my sister and she’d kill me

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

-i wish there was a way to type vomiting noises

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

-a) yes i would and b) this is a weird question go away

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

- i would trust legit anyone to order for me it’s not that hard, i normally get a venti iced coffee with room, fill it to the top with half and half and thats it

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

-taking care of myself, petting my dogs, 

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from Tc16

Hello! (Sorry for going over word count! Here is shorter version:)

last time I messaged you, I was 16 almost 17. I am 18, 19 in June. I messaged about SH but now I’m glad to say Im a year clean! Never talked to The guy I liked.. But as long as he’s happy it’s ok. I messaged about loving pop punk… Now I’m into Elvis Presley, 50s and 60s songs, and Michael Jackson. (this is great because these songs are happy whereas the old songs I listened to, whilst I liked them, I think made me sadder.)

I messaged saying that I wasn’t interesting, I still think that, which I am dealing with, but now I have been learning Spanish (which I might give up), been drawing portraits (which are turning out pretty good), gonna draw more nature and animals soon, and continue playing piano (been playing since Age 14) Do you have any tips to make a person more interesting?

Still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I messaged saying this when I was in grade 12. I graduated in November 2015 and haven’t gotten a job or studied anything because Idk what to study. I literally wasted whole of 2016 doing nothing.. Was on my laptop ALL day everyday because the only friend I had left was always at school or work. This makes me so angry with myself.. I wasted a whole year (and so far of 2017).. it gives me so much anxiety, I’ve wasted the best years of my life. (Because of how bad I was mentally in school, was ALWAYS on my laptop if not at school). My laptop broke December last year bc I dropped it, idk if it’s bad to say, but I’m glad bc now less time wasted.

only thing is… I still have my phone, which now replaces laptop. I don’t waste as much time bc deleted all my social media and I used to sit on YouTube most of the time on laptop, but now I hardly go on YouTube (I still do waste a little time but no where near as much) unless it’s for useful things like music or tutorials. But I do think I can do without my phone. I wish I could give up my phone but I need it to talk to people for things like work (when I get a job), getting pictures to draw, learning Spanish and learning piano songs. Anyway back to the job thing..

my mum is gonna help me do a resume, I have two places where I would like to work, once my resume is done I need to gain the courage and strength to hand them in. I hope I can! Because it’s stressing me out soooo much. can hardly sleep because of it and have so much anxiety, I feel like because no job and no studies, no supporting friends, wasted my teenage years, etc, I feel like I’m ruining my life badly.

reason I have no ‘supporting’ friends is because atm I only have two (rest moved away or stopped taking to me) but one’s moving to a different country soon, and the other isn’t someone I can be around alot because sometimes I feel as though she is fake towards me and using me, and sometimes her personality just doesn’t agree with mine (if that makes sense?)

Also I’ve never had a relationship, I’m really stressing because Ive never even really had a conversation with a guy (was scared of them in school because of a few who used to bully me) and am still kinda scared to talk to them. I’m honestly scared that no one will like me. What can I do? I’m different to alot of people as an effect of what I’ve been through, which adds to my worry that no guys will like me.

thank you sooooo much for replying to me and other people in the past and future!! I really do appreciate it and am grateful for all the times you replied to me in the past!! I truly hope you are all doing okay!!

Hey there, Tc16. Thanks so much for sending in a submission! I am glad that you have been clean from self harm and coping pretty well. You are very welcome for everything. We are happy to help you in everything and try our best in our replies.

I am very glad that you are doing well. I like your taste in music as well. I like pop-punk but agree that it can sometimes be sad. Your new taste is very nice. Also, you will find someone who loves you so it’s okay!

If you are curious as to how to be more interesting, I think it really depends on a few things. I think we are each individual beings who are all interesting. Every person is so unique and interesting. But if you don’t feel interesting, then maybe try to engage more in the things that you do. Take more classes, read more, talk with others, and learn everything that you can. Knowledge makes for a very interesting person.

It is alright that you do not know what you want to do with your life. You need time to decide what you want to do because you are going to be doing it for a long time. I would suggest seeing a therapist to talk about possible career options. They could guide you in the right path of options.

It is great that you are starting to write a resume. That will be good for school and work.  It’s also great that you have found some places that you are interested in working. I know you can do it! A job will give you a sense of accomplishment and will give you something to do, plus you make money!

If you get a job there is a possibility of making friends. Just try to talk to people and find out what they are like. You don’t need that many friends, just a few is good enough. I know that you can do it! And with relationships with guys, just act like yourself and try to calm down is what I say. Take everything slow and enjoy it. Try to talk to people ad be friends first. That will make things a lot more comfortable for you. I believe that guys will like you.

Again, thanks for sending in your submission. You’re so welcome and thanks for coming back to mental health advice! I know that you can get through this! Remember that we have a live chat service that is available to everyone. You can send in a request or see if an admin has posted that they are online. If you feel like you are in immediate danger please go to the hospital. I want you to be safe.

I wish you luck!

Contents Page 

-Rachel

“The sun will rise and we will try again.”

[hodanibrahim-blog]

Reality of Being a Muslim Woman in Business

Whoever sought the pleasure of Allah though it was displeasing to the people then Allah becomes pleased with him, and will make the people pleased with him, and whoever sought the pleasure of the people though it was displeasing to Allah than Allah becomes displeased with him and will make the people displeased with him" (Ibn Hibban/ Tirmidhi)

This may sound like a very different me. Because it is.

My beliefs about who I am as a women and my role in the world is shifting beneath my feet.

And I wanted to share them.

I've been an entrepreneur for years now. I consciously made the decision at 22 that I wanted to live my life this way.

My dream was very simple: I wanted to make a 6-figure salary working from home.

I am such a homebody. I love the comfort of my home and if I could do what I loved in my favourite place, then that sounded like a good deal to me!

As a young women, I'm blessed to have accomplished a lot alhamdulilah.

I've lived in so many countries like Chile, Egypt, Canada, Dubai and Malaysia. I've written books, started and grown 2 successful companies and met incredibly influential people. Im truly grateful for what I have been able to do as a solo girl who grew up under an immigrant family in social housing projects.

With Allah's blessing, I've gotten so far because my mother instilled the belief of God in me and the fearlessness to do whatever I set my mind in. She taught me wealth was always in my heart and I always wealthy. It made me always feel like I was in a state of abundance and could have whatever I wanted. She gave me the attitude to be successful.

But as with everything, success can also have a downside.

Success is probably one of the most dangerous words in the world today. How we define success can make your life happiness or total hell.

The general definition success is materialism. The more you have, the more successful you are. However, the consequences of that is so utterly devastating when a person figures out, like many, that "stuff" cannot buy you happiness.

What I didn't realise that what was to come was a feeling of deadness in my heart once I got what I thought I wanted. It felt like an emptiness - a hunger that could never be filled.

I suppose looking back, I had it coming.

When Success Becomes a Survival Mechanism

I define success for years, albeit unconsciously, as revenge. Revenge for the world that push my parents out of the only land they knew and belonged in, Somalia. Revenge for a system that was built against me. Revenge for never finding anyone that looked like me or understood me. It was pure revenge for living and being because the system told me. Revenge for having spent 16 years in public prison(ie education system) and only becoming how I am in spite of it, not because of it.

Success was everything I was not. And come anything, I was going to get it.

But success & empowered meant something totally different when it happened.

If You Lose Your Hayaa, You Lose Your Eeman

Haya according to Islamic is modesty. It holds such a huge importance in our faith. Our believed Prophet Muammad(s) said:

“Haya’ (modesty) and Iman (faith) are two that go together. If one is lifted, the other is also lifted.” [Recorded by al-Hakim]

The more time I spent in business, the more my hayaa became compromised. Haya and eeman are one. Once you lose haya, you lose eeman.

The beauty of Islam is that our deen offers the women such a dignified position in society that, once you learn about it, it is very hard to accept otherwise.

The Western narrative likes to shame a women who wants to stay-at-home and raise kids. It likes to shame women if they don't want to be in the public life. It shames people who follow tradition instead of modernity.

I grew in an ultra feminist society that encouraged women to do whatever men could do. But now I am questioning this narrative having live this reality for so long: is this the best way I can live as a woman?

I've spent most of my life in the public eye and with no male guardians in my life,  I have also spent most of my life exposed to the world. I had to take full responsibility for myself.

It's not about only being physically protected; being emotionally protected is something society doesn't afford to women. Women are most vulnerable for that reason.

More than that, I want to look at what have I sacrificed to get here?

This is what I want to talk about.

Living the startup world rat race, I have nearly lost my soul. Really, I learned first hand that money and success is not where happiness lies.

Happiness is from Allah. Its a journey, not a destination. You can never arrive at being "happy" and this realization made me realize I was more happy sleeping on a mattress on a floor for almost a year to build my 2nd company than ever being able to achieve anything materialistic.

As a women in business, you lose a lot in the process of getting to the top. You lose your modesty especially if you work in male driven environments, which I have exclusively worked in. Modesty is the first thing that has to go because it is the one veil you need to remove in order to thrive in a male-driven business environment.

You adopt characteristics of a man because you have to in order to survive

But unless you hire them, most men don't take you seriously in business. Men take other men seriously in business.

I've been harrassed, abused, taken advantage of, disregarded just because I am a woman. Say what you like about gender equality but it doesn't exist and I don't believe in it.

Sure - men can respect you. That isn't what I am talking about.

The fundamental belief that caused my suffering for so long is the idea that men and women are the same. And because they aren't the same, they can't be equal!

If they were equal, I would not have had the experiences I have had. I would not have had to work harder; I would not have had to look pretty or feel that I need to "dress up" or simply change my demeanor in order to be more favourable in a business deal; most men wouldn't have hit on me and would have treated me like an equal - but alas it never happened.

It's a painfully sad reality. My work ethic and idea were never enough to stand on their own.

I was always that young, nice girl "trying" to do stuff. And this led to a cycle where I had to become more aggressive to go after what I wanted and compete even more to "prove" myself worthy.

As I said, grew up in the most secular, liberal feminist society and from an early age was taught to believe I could be and do what a man can do. Hypothetically, my capacity to accomplish my dreams is unlimited. I can and fully intend to accomplish all my goals insha allah, with Allah's help.

The reality I have come to is women sacrifice way more than men in their way to success and building their own legacy.

I remember reading Anne Marie Slaughters, the first women director of policy planner in the US State Department, who wrote article in the Atlantic years ago on "Why Women Still Can't Have It All". There was a little voice inside of me that hurried with such enthusiasm when I read it.

Years later, I am living a little piece of what she has lived: I don't want to play a game that makes me work harder to reach the same results as men.

You know why? I wasnt built to play this game.

I was built to live in the complete honour it is to be a women and not have to sacrifice my femininity, my honour and modesty to get business deals.

Any deals I've closed: a man had to be next to me or I had to look pretty to do it. Why? Majority of those cutting my checks were other men.

What does the future look like?

Taking the step to changing the way I do business is hard but neccessary. First step is that I wanted to share my thoughts because I know there are many Muslim women in my place who've experienced the uncomfortable inequalities of being a working women and have had no outlet

I understand many women work like I do.

I understand being abandoned by one of your parents- I have.

But the cost of building business to leave legacy and lose myself in the process, I will not do it anymore.

Second step I've taken is to go back to wearing the niqab. I briefly wore it when I was 17 and stopped wearing it due to pressures in my life as a young teenager.  

For me, the niqab always represented continuous beauty in striving for the pleasure of God - quite literally turning your back on a world; the very world I've chased for so long.

Be clear: covering yourself as a women isn't my way of excluding myself from society or separating me from others. It's a way for me to participate in in the world in a much more dignified way without compromising my haya. It is a way to protect my faith.

Lastly, I wanted to start a whole new blog - Women of Tahira - for Muslim women in business. I wanted to document stories that don’t get told; offer new ways for Muslim women to live as Muslimahs without getting lost in our chaotic modern world and still live the lives we have always dreamed of; I wanted to share my journey to building very success businesses and a life without compromising my values.

The Journey Continues

So this new chapter being a businesswoman but taking a new approach to building my businesses will be interesting.

I will finally be able to do the business I want on my terms. No compromising.

Ive always believed living with a mindset of freedom. This is my freedom.

Nothing in this world is more important for me than my faith in Allah. He is my protector and provider. He has been the only being to be there for me and support me. The only reason I have reached the success I have is from Him(swt).

Business as a woman is difficult and in the accomplishments and success I have achieved Alhamdulilah. But I absolutely  will not lose my soul in the process.

There is a lot of fitnah living a public life. I want to be sure to protect my honour and eeman in the process and give other women the courage to do so.

Ultimately, taking away a woman’s modesty moves her away from her faith and the natural inclination with which she was created.

I want to show women that you can adhere strictly to your values and traditions and still achieved your goals on your own term.

You don't have to model yourself into what society wants you to be to find your rizq or success. You don't have to do what "you think" you have to do to find success.

Understand your sustenance is only from Allah and you should only rely on Him(SWT).  I am fully confident my rizq will come to me no matter where I am - nobody can take it away from you.

My happiness is only with Allah and my success is with Him. As such my trust should be in him 100% also.