#i just feel horrible in a physical way like im out of breath
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*leans against door seductively* does anyone have any tips on what to do when its hard + uncomfortable to breathe and ur heart is beating faster than normal to the point where its hard to focus on anything else
#rambles#/genuine#preferably without having to go to a hospital or anything#i dont have Money and also i dont want to go anywhere or call anyone i just wanna feel better enough to finish this drawing#and/or go to sleep please please pls#dont stress or worry abt anything btw im fine im just In Pain and its hard to ignore. ots not even the kind that hurts a lot#i just feel horrible in a physical way like im out of breath#will delete later sory if this is a scary post#at all. again donot worry i will be A OKAY#i hate when my body does scary shit like this man i just wanna draw km already constantly paranoid abt stuff like this#(shh dont tell anotne i said this but im gonan start crying like actually đź)#i guarantee my own safety. muah. ily my beloved mutuals + followers#also ove been feeling like this since abt 2-3 pm i think if thats anything#iiirc?#it feels like its gotten a little worse but maybe kts bc im laying fown
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smile! you're on camera
pairing: Johnny Cage x Reader
summary: Staying at Johnny's house is really nice, except...something feels a little off. You find out the hard way when you decide to entertain yourself on the couch.
tw: vaginal sex, vaginal penetration, oral sex, masturbation, accidental voyeurism, making out, face fucking, sex tape, dom/sub, switch!reader, switch!johnny cage, dom!reader, sub!johnny cage, dom!johnny cage, sub!reader, sex in a theater, i physically cant write men who dont whine, he needs pussy!, afab!reader, he wants you so bad omg, smut, shameless smut, porn with light plot
a/n: hehehehehehe...this is inspired by the voice clip in the invasion mode of mk1 where he says he has cameras everywhere. ive been rly inspired lately, but im gna open up requests on here soon, so keep an eye outtt
word count: 2.63 k
Ao3
Something was really off about Cageâs house. After coming back from the tournament and training, you werenât ready to get back to normal life. And Johnny had offered you a starring role in the movie he was planning to make about Outworld. You accepted quickly, after making sure you wouldnât have to get naked or be a horrible person or anything like that. But rent is rough, and Johnny is so generous as to let you stay at his place.
His casual, gigantic mansion-y place.
But it was nice. You had your own space, a full fridge, and could still ignore things like work for a bit longer. Plus, Johnny was a surprisingly great host, hosting movie nights in his private theater. Everything was great, exceptâŚ
You always felt like someone was watching you. As long as you werenât in your room or the bathroom, it felt like there were eyes on you. Getting a drink of water? Itâs there. Sitting on the couch? Being watched. Just wandering into a room? Oh yeah, you for sure feel it. But you brush it off and donât bother to say anything to Johnny. You figure itâs just dumb paranoia.
After about 2 weeks without any work from Johnny, youâre getting bored. Heâs never home, he has work to do and a movie to plan. So you sit around the mansion all day, waiting. Usually, you read, watch stuff, or even just take laps around the house for exercise. But today, youâre just scrolling through social media. Even that is boring to you today. You decide that, hey, you can think of a good way to pass the time. For a quick moment, you forget about feeling watched. Your fingers dip below your waistband, shivering at your touch. Itâs been a long time, youâve been training and then living in someone elseâs house. When would you have the chance?
Slowly, you begin to tease yourself, fingers circling your clit. Itâs quite embarrassing how much it affects you, but youâve lost your ability to feel shame. You lose yourself in your actions, whimpers and moans echoing through the empty house. Unable to stop yourself, you finish with an almost violent snap, panting harshly. Pulling your hand out, you finally feel embarrassed, with how fast you were, and how hard you came. Shakily, you stand up and walk towards the bathroom to wash your hands.
You've forgotten what you did by the time Johnny gets home that evening. Smiling as he walks in, a grocery bag in one hand. âHere comes Mr. Celebrity to pass out treats to us poor folk,â you throw your hands out in a joking manner. But thereâs a weird look in his eyes, not matching his characteristic smile. âItâs movie night, I had to make sure we had enough snacks,â he walks towards the kitchen, you shortly behind. âOh yeah! Whatâs the movie tonight?â You lean against the counter, searching through the bag.
âThe Thing. We havenât done any horror movies yet.â He grabs a glass of water, drinking deeply. But that look is still there. It almost scares you away at how sharp it is. âAh, ok. WellâŚI guess Iâll see you then.â You back out of the room, almost running when youâre out of his sight. Catching your breath in your room, confusion floods your mind. Did you do something wrong? Is he tired of having you here? All you can do is wait and wonder until tonight.
And tonight comes much too fast. You find yourself stumbling into the theater room, meeting Johnnyâs eyes as you walk in. But he seems much happier. Maybe he was just tired after work. As you get settled, a bag of snacks next to your leg. As Johnny starts the movie and turns the lights down, you start to get nervous. What if heâs mad at you? He is pretty rich, if he wants you dead, it wouldnât take long.
But Johnny sits next to you, settling down and looking towards you. You try not to look at him, fearing that you might meet a cold gaze. Unable to stop yourself though, your eyes meet his. The weird look is still there, no longer hidden under sunglasses and smiles. Ever the considerate movie-watcher, he leans in to whisper in your ear. âSo, did you have a good day? It must get lonely here.â Trying to stay calm, you whisper back, âIt was ok, I canât complain. Was your day ok?â
âYeah, more progress made on my movie. Studios are eating it up. ButâŚâ He pauses, looking at the screen shortly before looking back to you. âI did see a very interesting movie on break.â Turning fully, you look at him confusedly. What in the hell was he talking about? âOh yeah? What was it?â
âWell, you know, I do have cameras set up like everywhere, right?â
Oh shit.
Your entire face drops, frozen in shock. You finally remember the fun you had earlier on the couch. The watched feeling finally makes sense. âO-ohâŚâ You stumble over yourself trying to think of excuses. This is humiliating. But Johnny doesnât falter like you. He pauses the movie, reaching his hand out and taking yours to pull your focus back to him.
âYou put on quite a show for me, you know?â You finally recognize the look in his eyes. Itâs intense curiosity and...lust? âOnly wish I knew what you were thinking about. Care to enlighten me?â He leans slightly closer, hot breath fanning over you. Swallowing hard, you try to avoid his intense stare. âI-I wasnât thinking. I was justâŚbored?â He laughs slightly, holding your other hand. âReally? I was sorta hoping you were thinking of me, but thatâs a little selfish, huh?â
âH-huh? What? DoâŚdo you think of me like that?â You fluster further at his words. âMaybeâŚdoes that bother you?â He falters slightly, realizing that he might be making you uncomfortable. But you can't stop yourself from blurting out, âNo! It doesn't bother me. I-â Cutting you off, Johnny leans in closer, lips an inch apart. âThen what's the problem?â You swallow hard, eyes rapidly moving back and forth from his eyes to his mouth, and finally answer.
âI just don't know what to do when fantasy becomes reality.â
Luckily for you, Johnny knows.
He closes the distance between you two, kissing you like your life depended on it. You wrap your hands behind his neck and lean back, pulling him impossibly closer. Your tongues dance against each other, lips crashing. Suddenly, you get a surge of confidence, one that defies your previous apprehension. One of your hands slips down his chest slowly, inching along until you reach his growing bulge. He pulls back slightly, panting and staring directly into your eyes. âH-hey now, youâre not playing fair,â he manages to get out, slightly whining at your touch.Â
âYou started it, watching me like that,â you whisper in his ear, fingers slowly rubbing along his waistband. He gasps lightly, head turning away from you. âYou liked it, right? Did you touch yourself watching it?â Your fingers move further past his waist, inching towards his cock. âCâmon, you can tell me,â your voice almost sing-songy and teasing. He manages to stutter out a shaky ây-yeahâ as you continue down. But you suddenly stop, much to his disappointment.
Instead, you move to kneel in between his legs, looking up at him with sultry eyes. He looks slightly confused until you undo his pants button. Biting his lip, he watches you with intense, pleading eyes. You lean up, taking the zipper of his fly in your mouth and undoing it. He looks like he could honestly cum right now, but you won't let him. As you pull his pants and boxers down his thighs, his cock springs up, the tip angry and weeping. He blushes at the sight of himself like this and you, looking up at him with his hard dick right in front of you.
You slowly wrap your hand around him, stroking him a few times. You just want to watch him squirm and squirm he does. He is whining, head turning back and forth, with one hand on his thigh and the other over his mouth. You kiss the underside, looking up at him through your lashes. With a muffled moan, he looks away again, face scrunching up in concentration and pleasure. Slowly licking at the tip, watching as he continues unraveling, you finally take him in your mouth. You fit as much as you can at first, reveling in the loud gasp you earn from him. You continue a relentless pace, gently massaging his balls as well.Â
This pleasure is intense for Johnny, so much so that heâs starting to tear up, eyes welling up as he holds back as many sounds as he can. But that only lasts so long as you lift your head off him, taking a deep breath and rasping out, âDo you wanna come, baby? Huh? Then come on, fuck my face like a good boy.âÂ
You go further down this time, causing him to jump at the feeling. Scurried hands grab at your head as he's bent forward, bucking at a frenzied pace. Loud, slutty moans roll from his lips as he loses himself in the feeling. And as you kneel there, trying to stay there for as long as possible, you feel yourself growing wetter. You did this to him, got him so riled up that he could barely control himself. Amongst his hurried moves, you manage to push past your gag reflex and fully take his entire cock down your throat. A loud, long breathy moan is all Johnny can get out as he almost immediately cums at the feeling. Focusing on holding your breath until you can no longer feel him pulsing in your throat, you savor his sounds, his whines, whimpers, moans.
As you move up, taking a deep breath, you admire him in the lowlights. His face flushed and sweaty, eyes rolled back in his head, usually perfect hair messed up. Beautiful. But he only stays like that for so long, because you move up to kiss him. As if his body is reacting without him thinking, he wraps one hand behind your back and uses one to tangle in your hair. After a short kiss, he pulls away. You manage to half-whisper âThat was quite a show you put on,â chuckling afterward.
Johnny lazily motions for you to sit next to him, and you oblige. But before youâre even fully down, he's on you, kissing and pulling you closer. Now it's his turn to tease, fingers traveling under your shirt to play with your nipples. You let out light gasps at the feeling, as Johnny starts to bite and suck at your neck.
Mumbling against your skin, you can hear him say, âI'll give you a show.â He manages to pull your shirt off before you even realize what's happening, his eyes still desperate and wanting. He has no grace or subtlety as he pulls your pants and underwear off, he doesn't want to wait any longer than he has to. Shrugging his shirt and pants fully off, he stares at you intensely. He moves a finger to swipe across your wetness, knees buckling slightly as he feels you. He leans in against your chest, beginning to beg. âPlease, please, I wanna be inside you, love. I wanna give you a real show, show how good I can be. Please?â God, he's kind of pathetic like this. It's hot.
With a quick nod, he springs up. He wastes no time as he practically lifts you and turns you around. Now, with your hands grasping the back of your seat and ass in the air, Johnny leans over you and presses against your back. Kissing between your shoulder blades, he slowly moves his hips to yours, cock gently rubbing against your wet pussy. Unable to control himself, his hips buck at the sensation, earning a groan from both of you. Face still against your back, you feel him lightly bite you, trying to ground himself.Â
Finally, he manages to calm himself, standing up and taking a deep breath. After a pause, he lines himself up and pushes in slowly. With a long whine, he manages to bury himself inside you, pausing to adjust. With a strained voice, he quietly says, âOh god, you feel so good, squeezing against my cock like that. Iâm already sensitive, you know.â After a short pause, he starts to move, mesmerized by the way your ass bounces against him. âShit, I shouldâve fucked you earlier. Iâve been missing out,â he manages to get out as he speeds up, reveling in the way you mewl under him.
Heâs moving at a breakneck pace now, gripping your hips desperately, and sputtering out praise. Without slowing, his hands shoot out, wrapping around your neck and grabbing your jaw. Heâs using your head as leverage, but he manages to fuck you even deeper. He gently turns your head to the back corner of the theater, lightly slapping your cheek to get your attention. âSee right there? Thatâs where the camera is. Go ahead, put on a show, baby.â Despite his confident words, his voice is higher than normal and breathy. His words shoot straight to your dripping pussy, clenching even tighter around him. His hips buck in as he laughs slightly. âYou like that? You like being my own personal pornstar? Then come on, let me see it. Get louder, these mics only pick up so much. Donât hold back, yeah?âÂ
You decide that heâs getting a little too cocky, and decide to shut him up a bit. Moaning out obscenities, you begin to bounce back against him. His hands shoot back to your hips, using you to stabilize himself. Gone are his confident words, replaced with the most gorgeous whimpers youâve ever heard. His head dips lower, resting once again against your upper back. You can hear his quiet whispers of âOh fuckâ repeated over and over again like a prayer.
With scrambling fingers that dart under you, he starts to play with your clit, bouncing at the same rhythm of his thrusts. âWhat fun is it if Iâm the only one cumming? BesidesâŚâ he lets out a breathy laugh, âI studied the game tape.â He begins moving in circles, and suddenly itâs like youâre fucking him for the 50th time. He knows exactly where and what feels good, what directions, and how much pressure to use. But you have no time to wonder how many times he watched you before his hips started snapping in shaky thrusts. You feel yourself getting closer and closer, and with the energy you have left, you decide to put on a major finale. Head tipped back, you begin pleading with him, crying out, âPlease come for me, please, please. Youâve done such a good job, I need it, I need you, please please pleaseâŚâ Unable to hold back, he cums with a harsh final thrust. But even in the throws pleasure, he manages to continue to play with your clit. You cum shortly after him, he whines at the feeling of you spasming around his extremely sensitive cock. He slowly pulls out, taking a long second to admire the sight of you bent over and dripping arousal.
He guides you into the chair, helping you sit down and catch your breath. He sits next to you, snuggling into your side and planting his face against your neck. He breathes deep, inhaling your scent and kissing lightly against your sensitive skin. He manages to mumble into your neck, looking up with sweet, half-lidded eyes, âSo...thereâs about 56 cameras in the house. You mind sticking around for an extra few weeks?â
#johnny cage x reader#johnny cage#johnny cage smut#mortal kombat#mortal kombat 1#mk x reader#johnny cage mk1#mk1 smut
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Pathetic Simon who gets given a new recruit to train. A big strong lady who isn't afraid to be paired with him for grappling practice. Who isn't intimidated by his stature and mask. I just love the thought of him being so desperate for the touch and then so horribly horny that he basically has to RUN to the bathroom after every round.
ARGH!
My woman is strong. She's got beautifully round delts, she's got big biceps and thick forearms. Her quads? Jacked. Back? Muscular. Arse? A wagon. Competes with Simon's.
That's what she is. Powerful. Because she won't be the one calling out for help in a sticky situation. They'll be calling for backup.
I digress.
Simon had to double-take to make sure what he was seeing walking onto the mat wasn't something out of his own wet dreams.
Her rough, calloused hands touch his forearms as they get into a grappling stance, and his cock is immediately stirring. The grip she holds his wrist in is so tight, it feels like one of those blood pressure cuffs.
Delicious.
Simon's spine rattles when he's thrown onto the mat, (he let himself just this once because he needs to know what it's like to get womanhandled around by her), and he stands up kinda stiff, and shakes her hand.
In the bathroom, he used the same hand she shook his with to wrap it around himself and imagined it was her own. It felt like it, too. His hand is a little rougher, but nothing his own mind can't fix.
Wanked himself literally raw. The idea of her hand chafing him from how tough it is sent him into a frenzy.
Now he goads her into being physical with him. Will block her way, and she'll grab him by the shoulders and shove.
bathroom.
Bumps into her with his shoulder, only to be bumped back later on and the force behind it tips him onto his heels.
bathroom.
He'll try to firmly close his office door with his hands as she's trying to come in and she'll line up her body with itâ one deep breath later and she's slamming her shoulder into the center of it, forcing her entry.
Ghost almost came in his pants when the door crashed into him as she confidently walked inside, casting an expectant look in his direction.
He let her fight some other recruit, some sexist pig who claimed that he didn't want to hurt a little lady. Nothing about her is little.
And when Ghost was witness to the other recruit's body being catapulted across the floor he sprinted away with the excuse of "Gotta piss."
The only thing that came out of his cock then was cum.
btw, i need her to be a battering ram too? Can you imagine being a bad guy running away, you're almost at the door and then something with the strength of a wooly mammoth slams into you? My heads ricocheting off the wall and im falling unconscious.
And so is Ghost because all the blood in his head instantly rushed to his other head.
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star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 15
pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, youâve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but youâve never met somebody like him.
there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that heâs always wanted to, but what he didnât anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.
genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au (kind of), star-crossed lovers
warnings: cursing, mature content, fancy drinking, mutual pining, sexual tension, so much angst, kissing, making out, dirty talk, fingering, grinding, dry humping, dom!hyunjin, jealousy, more angst
word count: 35K (ik the wc makes it feel v long but itâs really not that much haha)
a/n: im so excited to be coming back with this huge of a chapter for you guys. so much goes down and im insanely excited to share this next phase of my story with you. its v long so pls get comfortable with a blanket and snacks. I would recommend rereading the last chapter, if you can! thank you for still being here.
i recommend that you can listen to my star lost playlist here!
important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
He had fucked up. Even in the dimly lit drive-in theatre, the guilt on his face was evident. Hyunjin had never looked this devastated.
âI need to talk to youâÂ
Thatâs what he had said. The gnawing feeling in your gut got worse. Those words together, in that order, was never a good sign. You knew as much, and you knew whatever he had to tell you was going to be something bad.
âWhy did you leave in the middle of the film?â You asked, gaze darting between him and your friends.
Yuqi was staring wide-eyed, watching this unfold, soda cup clutched in her hands, and FelixâŚhe looked beyond irritated.
The movie could still be heard all the way over here. You werenât too far from the projection screen, and the speakers were right next to you. It was a horrible place to be having this conversation, but you couldnât wait.Â
What was he holding back?
Youâd always felt the safest around Hyunjin, but every breath between you right now was uncertain. He was fidgeting, sliding the silver ring off and on his finger.
âI was on my way back to you whenââ Hyunjin paused, and the veins in his neck were prominent as he strained to be heard over the movie, ââwhen Felix found me. He wanted to talkâ
âIs Jisung okay?â You blurted, the first thing that came to your mind. He was nervous as hell, and that freaked you out.
Hyunjinâs eyes widened, âNo, heâs okayâ
âLook. Y/Nââ Felix started, stepping ahead.
âCan I please just talk to Y/NâŚalone?â Hyunjin interrupted, turning to your friends. His frustration was new to you.
âOf course. Now you wanna talk to herâ Felix scoffed, and your gaze drifted to him. You felt so out of the loop and everything was far too dramatic.
A laugh escaped you at the absurdity of this situation, âWhat is going on? You guys are acting like the worldâs fucking ending or somethingâ
âIâm sure itâs not that seriousâ Yuqi piped in, as a way to comfort you, and Felix glanced at her in disdain.
Hyunjin seemed to be physically struggling between appeasing you and Felix, but he focused his gaze on you.
âItâs notâ He reaffirmed, pausing to breathe, âObviously. Itâs not⌠that seriousâ
âYou sure?â Felix mumbled, taunting the situation, and youâd never known Felix to be the one to poke a bear with a stick.Â
His presence only added to your confusion and annoyance.Â
What was he doing here?Â
Hadnât he just told you he couldnât be friends with you anymore? Or whatever the hell he was going to say before you were interrupted?
You glanced at him, and the anger from your previous unresolved conversation surged back, âLix. Can you just give us a moment alone, please?â
His eyes locked with yours in silent agreement, âYeah. Sure. Whatever you want, Y/Nâ
âYeonjunâs gonna be worried as hell about usâ Yuqi spoke in a harsh whisper, grabbing him lightly by the forearm to lead him away, and even though you were embarrassed to have an audience, you were glad she was here.
Youâd dragged everyone to the drive-in theatre tonight for the Jaws screening because it had seemed, at the moment, like a good idea. It was supposed to be one of the things on your bucket list. The list Hyunjin and you had made together.
A list of things to make you fall in love with your little town again, and you were only doing all of this because Hyunjin insisted. A silly excuse to be by his side, but it had worked. Youâd seen the film they were playing tonight a dozen times, so yeah, you were only doing this so you could spend more time with him.Â
Right now though, it didnât seem like the greatest idea, and more like the culmination of a really bad plan.Â
A confrontation you didnât want.Â
Knowing Hyunjin, he hated confrontations too.Â
So, there must be a really fucking good reason why he was arguing with your best friend just now.
Felix mumbled something as they walked away, too quiet for you to catch amongst the sounds of the film.Â
A cold breeze picked up.
The blinking yellow sign above you was malfunctioning, a buzzing sound escaping it, distracting you momentarily until Hyunjinâs face came into focus again.
He was so apprehensive, a concerned frown on his face. Guilty was not a good look on him.
You swallowed your anxieties, raising your voice louder, âCan you just please tell me whatâs going on? Youâre kind of freaking me out hereâ
âNothing is going on like that, I promise. Itâs justâŚYongbok found something out and freaked out about it. He was upset at me butââ
âWhat did he find out?â You were impatient.
Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed, âHe saw me earlierâŚat the stationâ
It took you a second to put two and two together.
âThe train stationâŚ? What were you doing there?â
His eyes darted around the driveway, realising that this was probably the worst place to be having any kind of conversation. The noise of the horror film had drowned the two of you out.
âCan we go somewhere else? Where itâs quieter, please?âÂ
You didnât think you had the patience. Your stomach turned every second that he didnât tell you what was wrong.Â
âPlease?â He asked again, âIâll tell you everything. I just want to get away from hereâ
What was so complex that he couldnât just say it now?
It felt like a break-up except you and him werenât even fucking dating.
Your gaze flickered over his face, frown lines on his forehead that didnât suit him, and it was only now that you noticed the bags under his eyes. He hadnât slept last night. He was too young to be so worried.
âYeah, of courseâ
There was relief on his face at your agreement, shoulders relaxing, and he looked around.
The theater was in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Where would you even go?
Worry returned to his face, and you sighed, âThereâs a loading dock, like a few minutes from here. Itâll be quieter thereâ
He nodded, following closely behind you as you led the way.Â
You focused on the sound of your footsteps in the dirt to not completely freak out.
âIs everything with Chan fine?â You ended up asking.
âYeah, heâs fine tooâ He fell quiet again, âIâm sorry youâre missing the movie because of meâ
The noises got muffled as you moved further away.
âI really donât careâ You told him, âIâve seen it beforeâ
âOh, okayâ
You stopped at a chain-link fence, leading to a loading dock for various trucks and vans. It was dead right now, but it'd be brimming with life in the early hours of the day.Â
âThis is quiet enoughâ
This was also as far as your patience could go.
Hyunjin nodded, leaning his weight against the fence, running a hand through his hair, âI guessâ
Another round of screams from the audience echoed through the area, and you shrugged, âGuess notâ
He didnât seem amused though, âTheyâre so loudâ
âIt is the best part of the movieâ You told him, âThey finally defeat the sharkâ
Hyunjin nodded, as if heâd forgotten what the movie Jaws was even about, âRightâ
He looked like a wounded animal, afraid youâd get mad at him, but you didnât even understand what you should be mad about.Â
His hand peeked out from under his button-up sleeve. You reached forward, not thinking before slipping your fingers between his.
The gesture surprised him, and he glanced up at you with big eyes. He squeezed your hand, finding comfort in it.
âI was buying a ticket backâ
You frowned, asking a question you already knew the answer to, âBack to?â
His breaths were shallow, in uneven intervals and his shoulders rose and fell with each anxious inhale and exhale.Â
âSeoulâ He clarified, biting his bottom lip.Â
âOh. IsnâtâŚit too early?âÂ
His gaze fell, eyes avoiding yours, âI was trying to tell you earlier, but I didnât get the chanceâ
âTell me nowâ You tilt his head up, fingers under his chin so he could look right at you.
He took in another deep breath, eyes staring into yours, âIâŚhave to leave, Y/N. I have to move back to the cityâ
The words didnât shock you.
Thatâs it?
You knew he had to leave.Â
A weight lift off your chest at the familiarity of his confession, and you could breathe again, âYeah. IâŚknow that, Hyunjinâ
His eyes widened, âYou do?â
Your fingers settled on his jaw, to calm him, âI mean, I know that you canât stay here forever. You were only here for the summer anywayâ
Relief swirled his eyes at your calmness, âUmâŚyeahâ
It felt anticlimactic. This was why he was so nervous, why Felix was so mad, why they were fighting?
You two stood so close, hand-in-hand, and this didnât even seem like a big deal. Hyunjin wasnât going to be holed up in this small town forever. Everybody knew it would always be temporary, so what was the drama for?
A breeze blew Hyunjinâs hair in his face, and you tucked the chestnut strands behind his ear, âWould you have to start packing soon?â
With that question, Hyunjinâs eyebrows furrowed again, âI already packed, Y/Nâ
âAlready?â You laughed, there was a whole month left but he was already preparing, âYou shouldâve told meâŚI couldâve helped you.â
He frowned, and suddenly your name on his lips felt bitter, âY/NâŚâÂ
Like it took effort to say, and like it broke his heart.
It felt like an apology, but you didnât know what for.
You squeezed his hand, to let him know he had nothing to be sorry for, âTell meâŚâ
���No, you donât understand. Iâm â Iâm not staying for the rest of the summer anymoreâ
Your heart squeezed, and suddenly you realised why he was so anxious.Â
You needed confirmation, âYouâre not?â
âI need to leaveâ He let out a breath, âTonight.â
The words hit you like a punch to your gut.
Hyunjin explained further, to make sure you understood, but your head was already spinning, âMy train leaves for Seoul⌠in a few hoursâÂ
Your grip on his hand dropped, and you stopped touching him.
He stared at you for what felt like forever, eyes flickering between yours, âIâm sorryâ
Heâs sorry?
You had trouble speaking the words, âWhat? Tonight?â
His eyes were wide at your reaction, and at your tone. He thought you didnât believe him.
And you didnât.
Tonight was so soon, and in a few hours was fucking insane.
As you processed his words, the silence stretched for seconds, excruciatingly long.
He felt a stupid need to fill in the void, âMy managerâs coming to pick me up. He doesnât want me to make the journey back alone. Heâs worried about a crowd at the station, in case the information leakedââ
Hyunjin kept talking, and explaining, but youâd stopped listening.
What the fuck was he even saying?
All of these technicalities.
You couldnât even still process what heâd told you.
Yeah, you knew he had to leave but you didnât think itâd be tonight.Â
You didnât think itâd be right now.
You werenât prepared.
Each word he spoke was a lightning bolt to your heart, ripping chasms open in the perfect day youâd just had.Â
It couldnât be. You had so much planned with him. You hadnât even gotten to the good part yet.
The sky lit up in bright white, blinding you.
You hadnât even told him that you loved him...
The wind picked up, dust blowing into your eyes but you didnât care. The lightning wasnât just within you. There was a storm coming.
Hyunjin glanced up at the sky; dark clouds suddenly looming over you, but that was the least of your worries.Â
âWe should get insideâ He realised, reaching for your hand, but you stepped away from him, pulling your hand out of reach.
His eyes were wide at the rejection.
âIâm sorry. You said that youâre leaving in a few hours?â You asked again, hoping this was just a horrible fucking joke, and you heard him wrong.
But he fucking nodded, not saying anything.Â
Your stomach was beginning to hurt, a shooting pain through your body, and you felt dizzy.
Bile rose up to your throat at the suddenness of everything, âI donât understand. You said you didnât have to go back, not until the end of summer andââ
âI knowâ He interrupted, âI know thatâs what I said, but things changed. The company needs me back, I donât have much of a choiceâ
âBut what about KkamiâŚand about the art classes?â Stupid questions, when all you wanted to ask was something else.Â
âI canceled the classes yesterday, and Minho said heâll look after Kkami until my aunt comes back to townâ
Of course.
âOhâ
Of course heâd figured everything out. A man as precise as Hyunjin, of course heâd already solved for all the problems you couldnât even foresee.
But what about you?
Your gaze fell from his, heart falling deep into your gut and maybe that explained the pain in you. You didnât even know what to say. It was so much information, to process all at once, and pathetically, you mumbled, âI thought Iâd have more time with youâ
âI know, Y/N. I...thought so tooâ His voice was too soft, too calm, âBut Iâm sorry that we donâtâ
Was he not affected by this? Why was he so calm?
In a few hours, he would be more than a hundred miles away from you.
That wasnât okay.
But he seemed perfectly fine right now.
How long had he known this?
âIâm sorry I couldnât tell you beforeâ He swallowed, and stepped closer. His hands glided up your arms, coming to rest at your shoulders. He squeezed the skin there, and maybe he thought it was comforting, but it just felt suffocating.
Your chest was pounding so hard you could hear your heartbeat in your ears.
You were still confused, so many questions in your head, âBut that doesnât explain why Felix was fighting with youâ
Hyunjin sighed, âHeâŚhe thought that I wasnât going to tell youâ
There it was.
Your eyes narrowed, darting up to his, a new fear sinking into you, something you hadnât even considered, âWait. Were you not?â
His eyes widened, but his voice gave him away, âNo. I was going toââ
You took another step back, and he dropped his hands from you.
âYou werenât even going to say goodbye, Hyunjin?â
He hesitated before speaking, âI wasâ
âWhen?â
âWhat?â
âWhen were you going to tell me? If youâve already bought a ticket. Youâve already cancelled the classes. YouâveâŚpacked everything. Youâve already given Kkami away. So, whenâŚwere you going to tell me?â
He squeezed his eyes shut.
And it was enough.
âYouâre fucking kidding meâ
âLet me explain, please--â
Another flash lit up the sky.
Thunder ripped through the atmosphere, and the sound startled you both, making you look up.
It wasnât raining, not yet, but it would soon.
Immediately, you heard scrambling over at the drive-in theatre. All of the people would be exposed to the rain, and now theyâd have to pack it up, and leave.
How fitting for a storm to pass through right fucking now.
You looked back at him, because this wasnât like him.
The Hyunjin youâd come to knowâŚwould never blindside you like this.
You stepped further away, your sneakers tripping over the dirt and Hyunjin reached out to steady you, but you ripped your arm back, âYou were just going to leaveâ
âI tried telling you yesterday, in the forest! You were the first person I was going to tellâ Hyunjin exclaimed, eyes wide in what you could only recognise as despair.
In the forest, when youâd taken him to see the fireflies. Hyunjin had said he wanted to tell you something. He was trying to tell you this?
Sourness developed in your mouth, âWhat? Yesterday?â
âBut you stopped me. You kissed me, and you said you didnât want to knowâ
Your sadness was suddenly replaced by embarrassment, and bitterness.
âSoâŚitâs my fault?â
âWhat? Of course not. Thatâs not what Iâm sayingâ
Your emotions were toppling over, and you couldnât manoeuvre them anymore.
You felt a surge of hopelessness, because he didnât understand how important this was to you.
How important he was.
âIf it was so important, you should have told me anyway! I obviously would have understood, and stopped kissing you. Iâm not that dense, or âŚneedyâ
Hyunjinâs eyes were wide, like he couldnât believe you.
âI know that youâre not. Of course, youâre notâ He repeated, stepping towards you, âI knew how upset it would make you, and Iâm so fucking sorry. I didnât want to ruin the time we had leftâ
There was no justifiable reason for you to be this sad. He was only going to be a few hours away from here, but youâd dreaded the day heâd leave ever since you met him.
His life in the city was a whirlwind, and he didnât have time for anything.
How would you ever stay in his life, or keep him in yours?
Your voice was shaky, âIâm not upset at you, Hyunjinâ
âReally? Because it looks like you hate me right nowâ He laughed.
You sighed, looking him in the eye, âOf course notâ
âI just donât understand why Iâm the last to know. You said that your manager is coming to pick you upâŚand youâre worried the information would leak. So does everybody know youâre coming back or something?â
He nodded slightly, as if his answer would hurt you, âThe media knows. Thereâs going to be a crowd at the station, in the city when I get backâ
So if you waited a few more hoursâŚthe morning papers would have told you anyway.
The thought almost made you want to laugh, or cry.
âWe were having such a good time, at the Creek, andâŚI didnât want to kill the mood, obviously I was right, because youâre so upset right nowâ
âRight. Iâm sorry for being upset that youâre leaving Hyunjinâ
He pulled you towards him, âStop, please. This isâŚnot how I wanted tonight to goâ
âThen how did you want it to go?â
âI wanted toâŚstay up with you, and talk to you, and listen to you...until I canâ
It sounded tempting. Youâd do anything to have that.
But he was leaving tonight.
âDo you know when youâll come back?â
âWhat?â
âTo Daejon. Do you know when youâll come back?â
He hesitated, âI donât know. A couple of years, maybe thenâŚâ
âSo after tonightâŚyou have no idea when weâll see each other again?â
âYeah, butâŚyou can visit me in Seoul, right?â He asked, a hopeful lilt to his tone.
Your head was still spinning, âWere you going to stay in touch with me?â
âYeah. I was going to give you my new numberââ
âYour new number?â You were confused.
âI have to change itâŚevery few months. For safetyâ
Another lightning flash lit up his face, and then the first drops of rain followed. They wet your hair, dripping down your face, masquerading as tears.
âYeonjun would be wondering where I amâ
âWhat?â Hyunjin asked, but you needed to fixate on something else or youâd go insane.
âI have to tell himâ You mumbled, more to yourself, reaching for your phone in your back pocket, but youâd left it back in the truck. A frustrated groan escaped you.
âI can tell himâ Hyunjin spoke, immediately, pulling his phone out to text him. You watched as he did so. The bright phone lit up his face, as he typed in a text, but from here, you could see his fingers trembling.
The vendors were rushing to close all the food shops before the rain came in. The sound of people scrambling with their blankets and snacks to get inside. Car doors being shut, and engines being started.
âPlease just let me explain, so you can understand whatâs going on in my headâ
You needed to calm down. This was always going to happen, and you shouldnât be surprised. You shouldnât be heartbroken and so fucking weak.Â
You nodded, âGo aheadâ
He grabbed your hand in urgency but you didnât stop him, âI knew how upset it would make you, and Iâm so fucking sorry. I knew the moment that I told you, it would be real, and is it crazy if I wanted the summer to last longer? I was being selfish and I wasnât thinkingâ
You took a deep breath, his words calming you down by the second, âItâs not selfish. I..Iâm sorry. I just thought you were hiding it from me, andâŚI got upset. How long have you known?â
âBarely two daysâ He admitted, and then, âThatâs kind of why I was rushing through your listâ
A laugh escaped you, at the lost innocence of that sentence, âWhat? My list is not⌠important, Hyunjinâ
He frowned, âIt was to meâŚâ
The cold water draped over your forehead, dripping down your eyes, tracing your nose, falling into your mouth. You should be sane, and walk out of this storm before you both fell sick. Hyunjin was just watching you, and you think his heart was broken too. For a reason different to yours.
âA few hoursâŚâ You realised, and you were already losing time.
He squeezed your hand, âIf you would let me, Iâd like to spend them with youâ
The rain intensified, transforming into a downpour, drowning out the last of his sentence. Everybody must have left the drive-in theater by now and that meant it was just you and him in the middle of this summer storm.
You felt like a broken record, âI wish I knewâ
âWhy?â He bent down to your height, voice softening, âItâŚwouldnât have changed anythingâ
You took in a deep breath. He was right.
It wouldnât have changed anything.
His eyes were exploring yours, apologetic, and you could understand what went on in his head. If you could spare Hyunjin the pain of something sad, you would have done the same.
He was getting drenched in the storm, and youâd feel guilty if he fell sick because of you, âAre you okay?â He asked you.
You suddenly felt numb.Â
Why shouldnât you be okay?
âIâll only be a few hours away from youâ He reassured you, and then chuckled softly, âItâs not like Iâm moving to another countryâ
A loud honk pulled you out of the conversation.
Yuqiâs truck was to the side, parked on the dirt road, and Yeonjun was poking his head out of the window, âWhat the hell are you two still doing out there?â
You looked back at Hyunjin, swallowing, âWe should goâ
âCome onâ He spoke, guiding you towards the car with his hand on your back. You rushed inside, arms around yourself to be warm. He went around the back, getting in through the other side, and he was completely soaked, hair dripping, âSorry for getting your seats wet, Yuqiâ
She told him it was fine, and Yeonjun turned round to ask, âAm I taking you straight home then, Y/N?â
Yuqi gave you a sympathetic look in the rearview mirror. Felix must have told her what the argument had been about.
You glanced at Hyunjin. He thought you were angry at him. Well, you were a bit. But never enough to ignore him like this. This was his last night here. Everything felt so sudden, and rushed, and you werenât sure youâd even understood it, but you had be mature about this.
âNo, IâmâŚnot going homeâ You told Yeonjun.
Hyunjin raised his eyebrows, as if to ask if you were sure.
He was crazy if he thought youâd let him go without even saying goodbye.
âCan I come to your place?â
He nodded, in a single breath answering, âOf courseâ
Every second spent arguing over this was one less second with him. Yeonjun drove away from the loading dock, and time was slipping away and you glanced at Hyunjin. He was looking out at the town as it passed by, and he looked so fucking lostâŚor nostalgic.
Daejon passed by in a blur, as you drove to his house.
It would be selfish of you to think you were the only one affected by this. He was the one who would have to go back the life heâd left behind.
You drove past Aeraâs, and Hyunjinâs gaze lingered on it, long after youâd already passed it. The car ride was quiet, other than the music Yuqi was playing, but youâd tuned it out.
Hyunjinâs eyebrows were furrowed as he watched the blur of trees and homes and places youâd come to spend all of your time in this summer. It was like he was trying to take everything in but Yeonjun drove faster than his memories could catch up.
His hand was on his thigh, fingers trembling still, and you donât know if it was from the cold or if he was scared.Â
Your heart squeezed in your chest.Â
You reached over without thinking, hand settling over his, and immediately, he was calm.
ââââ-
Hyunjinâs room was ripped bare.Â
The art had been taken off the walls, the paint canisters had been stashed out of sight, the mattress was naked of the blue sheets and comforter youâd grown to love.
Cardboard boxes lay under his window, taped up and sealed shut.
His art wasnât decorating the room anymore, instead it lay packed under layers of bubble wrap and paper.
It was strange, because youâd only been here a few times, enough to count on one hand, but it felt like a loss. Empty rooms always made you sad. It signified the end of something.
Yeonjunâs room had stayed empty, and even when he visited home, heâd live out of his suitcase. After all, nobody took the time to hang back picture frames on the walls.Â
Your gut tinged with sadness.
Hyunjin stood at the other side of the room, arms crossed, emanating a calm silence.
Your eyes met his, a strange resignation within them. You hugged yourself, arms coming round your body in a comforting embrace.Â
The room was far too barren for your liking, but compared to outside, at least it was warm here.
With difficulty you found the words, âHow does it feel? To see your room like this?â
He cleared his throat, and his hair was still wet, chestnut strands sticking to his skin, âHonestly?â
âYeahâ
âI donât feel anythingâ
Maybe that was the saddest answer you could hear.Â
Your indignant look made him clarify further.
His Adamâs apple bobbed before he spoke, âIâŚI know thatâs weird. I thought Iâd be sad, but I donât really feel anythingâ Â
âI get thatâ You nodded, leaning against the wall, movements mirroring his.Â
âYou do?â He tilt his head, fiddling with the pendant around his neck.
You did get him, but you canât seem to elaborate.
After all, youâve never had to deal with anything of this nature.Â
Youâve lived in the same place your whole life. The same room. The same bed. The same view from your window every morning and night.
How could you know what goodbyes felt like?
âI thought Iâd be sadderâ He continues upon your silence, âI just donât feel much of anything, and that makes meâŚfeel sad. Shouldnât I be just a little upset?â
âMaybe you havenât processed it yet?â You offered.
He shook his head, frown lines on his forehead, âItâs not thatâ
You couldnât comprehend what he felt, and all you could do was guess, âMaybe itâs too soonâÂ
His eyebrows shot up, as if he realised something utterly significant about himself. Yet he didnât share it with you. He slipped his hands deeper into his pockets, adjusting his posture against the wall.
A black suitcase stood between you, and you wonder what heâd put in it. What was he taking with him? It was strange to imagine that his entire summer here had fit into just those four cardboard boxes. There must have been things he discarded, or gave away.
What did he leave behind?
âSoâŚhow will you take all this stuff back?â You asked, gesturing over to the boxes.
âIâm not. Iâm just taking my luggage with meâ He explained, âI just packed everything else so itâd be easier for my aunt to take care of the house when Iâm goneâ
When heâs gone.
âThatâs thoughtful of youâ You smiled, gazing at the other boxes pushed under his bed, âWhat about your art supplies? Are you taking them too?â
He shook his head, chuckling nervously, âNo, I had no space in my bagâ
Your eyebrows shot up, âHow are you going to paint when youâre in the city then?â
âI doubt Iâll have time at firstâ He admit.
Your heart clenched. Another loss.
âButâŚwhen I do, Iâll just get new suppliesâ He continued, so simply.
Your eyes narrowed, âHwang Hyunjin⌠do you have any idea how expensive art supplies are?â
A hint of a smile appeared on his face, âI know, but I have no choice. Thereâs an art shop in Hongdae. Iâve passed it a hundred times. I think Iâll finally visit itâ
âYouâre going to forget all about Aeraâs thenâ You frowned.
He hummed, smiling at you, âI could neverâ
You smiled, and a comfortable silence fell upon you.
He moved across his room to sit against the desk, âI am kind of sad about putting away all my art though. Theyâre just going to collect dust foreverâ
âMaybe you can put them back up when you come backâ You suggested.
He nodded, âRight. When Iâm back.â
He traced a hand against his empty desk. Just a few days ago, it was full of clutter, flower vases, and pretty candles, and pencils of different sizes. The first night heâd come to Aeraâs heâd bought a little canvas and a single pencil from you.
That was so long ago, and you smiled to yourself at the memory.
âYouâre really not going to miss home, and your room?âÂ
âI have something of yoursâ He interrupted, ignoring your questions entirely.
âOhâŚokayâ Is all you can seem to muster.
He pulled open the drawers, and you move towards him. Heâd cleared out everything from within them too. Including all his paint supplies, his knick-knacks, the hair ties⌠and that box of condoms you saw onceâŚ
Was he leaving that behind?
Or had he packed that too?
Maybe itâd be useful to him in the city.
The thought made you choke up, and you turned away, giving him space to look for whatever he was looking for.Â
He finally pulled open the last drawer, and spoke, âI found it when cleaning, and uh, I donât know how but I forgot to return it,â
You stepped forward to take a glimpse, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with him.
âMy sketchbook!â You realised, recognising the torn-up leather cover.Â
Pulling it out, you flipped it open, seeing the sketches you made on countless train journeys, âHonestlyâŚI didnât even know you have thisâ
Hyunjin laughed, and your gaze darted to his.
It was the first heâd laughed like this since heâd told you he was leaving.
âI promise I didnât steal it or anythingâ He admitted, âYou never took it back after Felixâs birthdayâ
âThat was ages ago. I guess I have far too many sketchbooks to keep countâ You hummed, flipping further through the book, seeing the drawings Hyunjin had filled it with on the journey, when youâd given it to him. You felt him move closer to you, body stopping right behind yours.
You traced your fingers against the ink, trying not to get distracted by his breathing on your neck, âThe beach cabin. You drew itâ
Hyunjin nodded, looking over your shoulder at the picture, âI did. That wasâŚa good nightâ
You craned your neck to look at him, a laugh escaping, âReally? I felt kind of bad for dragging you along for that whole trip. Ended up being pretty shittyâ
He smiled, eyes flickering over you, âNot all of itâ
You flipped to another page, but Hyunjinâs hand reached out to stop you. You looked at him questioningly.
âUhâŚyou can go through that later. We donât have much timeâ
You nodded, keeping it aside. He walked over, sitting on the mattress, and stared out through the window. It was still raining fiercely, a thunderstorm raging outside.
 âIf it wasnât raining, we could have gone stargazingâ He realised.
The disappointed in his tone pulled at your heartstrings, âMaybe itâll pass soonâ
He shook his head, âNo, I checked â Itâs going to be cloudy till noon tomorrow. Iâll already be gone by thenâ
âOhâ
It was hard to put his words into comprehension.Â
He was really going to be gone.Â
Youâd gotten so used to seeing him all the time, everywhere. He would show up at your job, and he would go around town with you, and a part of you felt like heâd always be here to do that.
After a while, he sighed, âI guess I was looking forward to doing something cool with youâŚbefore I have to leaveâ
You stared at the rain, the droplets trailing down his windowsill, racing to the bottom, âThis could be nice too. It hasnât rained like this in monthsâ
He nodded in silent agreement, and you watched the downpour, quietly, stealing glances at him. There was a sense of awkwardness and emptiness in the air.Â
He wasnât being honest with you about everything, but you didnât want to push. It felt like he was holding back yet again, and you wish heâd just tell you everything on his mind.
Flashes of lightning lit up his face every few minutes, and he looked out at the dark garden like it held all the answers to life, and the universe.Â
âHyunjinâŚâ You spoke.
He glanced at you, and his eyes looked sad.Â
You were counting down the fleeting moments left with him. Was he too?
It broke your heart. Why was he so quiet when you only had a few hours together?
You couldnât push him, but each second mattered.
So you walked over to him, kneeling on the floor so you could look at him, âWhatâs wrong?â
His eyes darted between yours, lips parted, as he thought over your question.
âI donât knowâ His voice quivered.
You placed a hand on his leg, to ground him, âYou wanted me to come overâ
He swallowed, âI didâ
âWhy?â
âI donât want to be alone right nowâ
âYouâre notâ You assured him, patting lightly on his knee, âWhat are you thinking about?â
âShouldnât I feel sad?â He asked, âSomething has to be wrong with meâ
âWhat do you mean?â You frowned.
âYou asked me earlier if I will miss Daejon, but I only feel numb. I cried when I left Seoul, but why do I feel nothing leaving here?â
His words were heavy, and you donât know if you were qualified to answer him, because you were too emotionally invested in this, and in him.
âMaybe you havenât processed it yetâ
He looked back at the garden, fence, and skies, âYeah, I canât believe Iâm going to be back in the city tomorrow. It feels like a world apart, and I canât really grasp leaving thisâ
âI mean, it is a world apart, Hyunjinâ
He looked at you, âI feel like I never got the chance to settle here. Itâs been so temporary. I always knew I was only here for a little while, and I canât get myself to feel sadâ
âItâs not like⌠an obligation, Hyun. I canât imagine how it feels like to live two places. If you donât feel a certain way, you canât force itâ
He nodded, quietly staring ahead at his garden.
He was stuck between two places, and two lives. Heâd always told you about that.Â
Even though he wasnât sad, he didnât seem happy either, so you said, âWhat are you looking forward to the most when you get back?â
âMeeting the guysâ He responded, in a heartbeat, and then smiled at his own eagerness, âIâm also excited to just be able to do my job againâ
âYeah?â You asked, taking a seat next to him so you could be level with him, âDo you already have your schedule for the next few weeks?â
He nodded, âMmh. Itâs kind of crazy, but itâll be nice to be that busy againâ
You shifted closer to him, as did he, with the pouring rain in backdrop. It was isolating, but comforting, âWhat else?â
âHmm?â
âWhat else are you excited about?â
Hyunjinâs lips pulled up into a smile, âTo step into the dance studio. Man, Iâve missed that more than anythingâ
You smiled, âYeah?â
âWhen I was a trainee, I basically slept there.â He hummed, and despite the obvious hardships he hinted at, his memory came from a place of fondness and comfort.
His eyes crinkled as he remembered something else, âItâs funny. It happened so often. Our manager installed a small bench there, so I could pass out on it, instead of killing my back on the hardwood floorâ
âWow. Thatâs so nice of himâ You smiled, watching his eyes lit up talking about his home.
âI also canât wait to get back to the recording studio. Chan told me details about the next album. Apparently, he, uh, wants me to have a couple of my own songs on itâ
Your eyes widened, âWait, what do you mean?â
As far as you knew, all of their songs were written by his team members.
âUmâ He laughed nervously, crossing his legs, âLike songs I write just by myself, and produceâ
âI didnât know you write songsâ You admitted, feeling stupid. Sadness settled in your stomach, as you realised there was so much you still didnât know much about Hyunjin.Â
There was so much you wanted to know, to discover about him.Â
Hyunjin laughed, âI try to, I havenât released my own yet. The guys usually take care of that, so this will be a firstâŚI donât even know what Iâll write aboutâ
âButâŚhave you written songs before?â
He nodded, âI used to write a lot on tour, but I never really felt confident enough to release themâ
Curiosity flooded you, âWhat kind of things do you write about?â
He laughed, âYouâll be disappointed, itâs kind of cheesyâŚand mainstreamâ
âI donât careâ
He smiled, âYouâll be the first to hear if I finishâ
âAre you excited to see Chan?â
He laughed, âInsanely. Jisung and Binnie too. I canât believe I went so long without them. Hopefully they havenât burnt the dorm downâ
He grimaced at the thought, and then laughed, âAnd JisungâŚman, I think Iâll squeeze the life out of him when I see him, and not let go. Heâs been through far too much in my absenceâ
âThey must be missing you a lotâ You spoke, watching his fond smile.Â
You would miss so many moments in his life.Â
Crucial moments that would redefine him as a person.
You would miss the excitement in his eyes when he reunited with the boys again. Youâd miss the work he would put into the self-composed songs, and the satisfaction of his smile when he finished.
So many little and bigger moments of happiness, the kind of things that make a person.Â
The next time you saw him, heâd probably be so different from who he was now.Â
You would both have changed as people, grown apart from each other.
But he was smiling at everything he had to look forward to, and thatâs all you wanted in the moment. For him to feel happy.
âWe still have a few hours left. Itâs your last night. Is there anything in particular you wanted to do?â
Hyunjin tilt his head, âI didnât really plan for anything⌠I was just hoping youâd spend it with meâ
He already seemed so much more relaxed, and you were glad.Â
âDo you need help cleaning anything or packing up?â
He shook his head, âI think everythingâs done butâŚwe could have drinks together, if you want?â
His last night in town should be memorable.
âThat sounds perfectâ You smiled, getting off the bed, as you followed Hyunjin back to the kitchen.Â
He had changed from his storm-drenched clothes into simple sweatpants, and they fit him well, sitting comfortably on his hips. The hoodie was also simple, and it looked soft enough to touch, like it was made from the finest wool in the country.
âWhat do you usually like to have, Y/N?â Hyunjin reached up to the cabinets at the very top, his height allowing him to do so with ease, âI know that you liked the rosĂŠ when we went to the paint event, and I know that you absolutely hate beerâ
You laughed at the memory, jumping up to sit comfortably on the kitchen counter. Hyunjin glanced at you briefly, smiling to himself at the position, and how youâd made yourself at home.
You thought about it, but you werenât a big cocktail drinker, so you hummed, âIâll have anything youâll haveâ
âYouâre easily influencedâ He laughed, âWhat if you hate my taste?â
You smiled at him, swinging your legs gently against the counter, âI trust youâ
He made a face, âNow I have to live up to your unrealistically high expectations of me. Isnât that too much pressure for my last night?â
You threw your hands up in defense, âYouâre the one who suggested we have drinks, Hyunâ
He smiled, peering at the alcohol he had in his cabinet. There wasnât too much, since he rarely lived here, and you donât suppose his aunt was a big drinker.
âHave you ever tried a Dolce Vita?â He asked you, the drink's name slipping from his lips so smoothly, and you guessed it was Italian from his pronunciation, but Hyunjin made it sound so expensive.
âCanât say that I haveâÂ
He stepped towards you, body touching your legs, but still not close enough, âI think itâs your kind of a drinkâ
âWhat makes you say that?â You tilt your head.
He thought over his words, mulling them in his head, âItâsâŚclassy. Itâs elegant, and itâsâŚromanticâ
You stilled, watching him describe it.
 âItâs pink, andâŚit has dark chocolate on topâ He continued, and then smiled to himself, âIt fits you really wellâ
You smiled, heat flushing to your chest, and cheeks, âWhatâs the catch?â
âI donât have all the ingredientsâ He spoke, a soft pout on his lips, âBut I can make you another drink, that you might likeâ
âWhen did you even learn all these recipes? I didnât know youâre a connoisseurâ
He laughed, stepping back towards the cabinet to check the ingredients, âIâm not, but Chan taught me a few. He and KairiâŚmake their own cocktails a lotâ
âI hope I can meet them one dayâ You spoke.
Hyunjin glanced at you over his shoulder, âYouâd love Kairi. SheâsâŚso much like youâ
You thought, still swaying your legs, âDoes that mean Chan would love me too?â
He chuckled, and his shoulders shook from the action, âHe kind of already doesâ
It was still pouring outside, and you looked at the droplets cascading down the kitchen window. It was kind of nice to be trapped in this house with him. It was a big place too, and it was empty, and just the two of you. It was like you were two kids playing house.Â
Hyunjin was fiddling with different liqueurs, and you could hear the clinking of glasses, and spoons as he moved things around on the counter. You would help him if you could, but you had no experience in mixology and he had it handled. It was calming, to listen to the thunder, and just sit here.
âWhat are you making now, Hyun?â You asked, fiddling with the cuts in your jeans.
âItâs called the Queen of Heartsâ
You laughed, âI have never heard of these names. Are they just for rich peopleâŚor something?â
He tsked, shaking his head âIâm not that rich, Y/Nâ
âStatistically speaking, youâreâŚlike in one of the biggest bands in our countryâÂ
He smiled softly at you again, âHow do you know that? Did you read about me online?â
âMaybe I didâ You flushed, âSometimes you show up on my Instagram. Your fans are very loyal, you know?â
He laughed, turning around to look at you, and you could see he was shaking a liquid in a glass, âI sure hope you donât believe everything you see about me though. Thereâs a lot of false news out thereâ
âSo, what, you havenât dated like every female pop star in the country?â You teased him, exaggerating.
He rolled his eyes, turning back to the counter, to put the glass down, âDid someone actually say that I did?â
âOf course notâ You smiled, âThat wouldnât be a believable rumourâ
âYouâd be surprised what people believeâ He laughed, and then paused to say, âIâve only ever dated oneâ
Your eyebrows shot up, âA pop star?â
âYeahâ
You looked at him, and you were so curious suddenly, albeit a lot of it stemmed from envy. Whoever had the honor of dating HyunjinâŚdid they know how lucky they were?
Was in he love with her?
Was she?
You imagined it in your head â the dates he would go on, and the kind of romantic things he would say. He was already such a nice person to you, and you two were just friends. What would he be likeâŚwith the girl that he loves?
A pit of jealousy settled in your stomach, so deep, that it ached.
âSo, um, I added less liquor to yours just so you can taste it. If you like it, I can give you some moreâ He spoke, turning to delicately hand you the wine glass. The drink was the color of champagne.Â
You peered at the drink, âWhatâs in it?â
He tilt his head, thinking, âItâs a bit of gin, wine, andâŚsome lemon juice. For the sweet flavour, I added a syrup to it. Itâs dahliaâŚI think youâll love thatâ
You stared at him as he explained it, âYouâre kidding meâ
You reached for the glass, but he immediately pulled it back before you could.
âWait! I forgot somethingâ
âWhat?â You laughed, âWhat else could possibly be missing? The tears of angels?â
He rolled his eyes, âHa-haâ
You tried to grab it, âJust give it to me. Iâm sure itâs fineâ
He shook his head, pulling the drink away from your hold, âNo, this is the last drink Iâm making you. It has to be perfectâ
âItâs also the first drink youâve made meâ You pointed out.
He laughed, holding up a finger, âGive me just one minute. Iâll be backâ
He placed the glass back on the countertop, and slipped his shoes on.
âWait, what?â
âI have to run to the garden for somethingâ He told you over his shoulder.
âBut thereâs a storm outâ You exclaimed, dumbly.
He pulled the hood up, looking back at you as he zipped it up fully, âIâll be fineâ
âHyunjin, donât goâ You laughed, âIâm sure the drink is fine without itâ
He shook his head, and he was already halfway out the door. As soon as he pushed open the wooden door, a gust of wind blew in, bringing with it tiny leaves and some rain. The thunder was so much louder now that the door was open, and Hyunjin ran out, shoes put on halfway, and it was so silly that he was doing all this for just a drink.
You waited with bated breath, but you couldnât see out into the garden from here, so you had no idea what he was up to.
Minutes passed, and you waited in his kitchen, sat on the countertop.
âHoly shit. Itâs fucking pouring!â He yelled, running back inside, and he was completely wet, from head to toe. He slipped off his shoes at the back entrance, walking to you barefoot.
âOh my godâ You mumbled, watching the water drip off him, âI told you it was a bad ideaâ
His fist was closed around something, and you wonder what he got from the garden.
He grabbed your wine glass, and dropped something in it, âYouâll change your mind after you try thisâ
He then smiled proudly, handing it to you.
Your eyes widened, as you peered into the glass.Â
A pretty flower floated on top of the gin, its pink petals wet from the liquid, giving the entire drink an illusion of a pastel paint.
âA flower?â You asked, giggling in disbelief.
âItâs edibleâ He explained, smiling still, âItâs perfect for youâ
âDid you get one for yourself too?â
âMmhâ He nodded, showing you his. The flower floated on the top beautifully, dissolving partially into the liquid. Your drinks looked beautiful together, ethereal and completely fitting to who Hyunjin was as a person.
âArenât you cold?âÂ
âI amâ He admitted, and then looked just a tad regretful, âBut I packed away all my spare clothesâ
âMaybe you shouldâve thought this all throughâ You giggled.
âTo be fair, I wasnât thinkingâ He shrugged, âItâs fine. Itâll dry outâ
He reached behind his neck, peeling off his grey hoodie. The white t-shirt he wore inside rose up with the simple action, revealing his stomach in a glimpse. Like a teenage girl, your heart jumped at the little display of skin. He tossed the hoodie to the side, and stepped closer to you.
His hair looked darker when wet, almost a shade of black, sticking to his face and his cheeks. He puffed, pushing it back behind his ears. You noticed his pendant, stuck in the front of his shirt as he stepped closer to you.
You werenât thinking as you reached forward, grabbing the thin silver chain around his neck and tugged it out, so it fell against his chest instead.
Hyunjin was frozen still at the action, darting down to see what you were doing and then looking back up at you.
Your hand was still on the chain, and every part of you wanted to pull him closer by it, so you could kiss him. Right now didnât seem like a good time for that though. He was feeling all kinds of emotions and vulnerability âŚif he wanted to kiss you tonight, he would have.
The thought of letting Hyunjin go â without feeling his lips again â hurt you, but it was a reality youâd accept. Youâd been all over the place with him recently, never having defined what it meant, or why you kept making out without talking about it.
Maybe it was just a summer fling for him, because heâd made it plenty clear you two could never be anything more.
You cleared your throat, dropping your hand, âNow, can we try the drink? Iâm dying to taste itâÂ
He nodded a yes, and you held your glasses up, clinking them against each other. The sound echoed in the empty house. As you did that, he looked right into your eyes, and you felt a familiar shiver run down your spine. You lift the glass up to your lips, tasting the liquid, and Hyunjin watched you as you did so. His eyes on you made you feel a little shy, but that was soon overpowered by how good the drink tasted.Â
It smelled, and tasted just like flowers and sweetness, and you let out a moan of satisfaction, âFuck. ThatâsâŚrevolutionaryâ
Hyunjin smiled, eyes crinkling, and only after that did he sip his drink. It tasted like a dark chocolate tart, and like flavourful berries grown on a farm.
âHave you ever consideredâŚbecoming a mixologist instead of an idol?âÂ
He laughed, stepping close to the counter so that he lingered at your footsteps. If you opened your legs up just a bit, he could stand between your thighs but you werenât sure it was appropriate. So, you stayed the way you were, sitting on the countertop, and Hyunjin stood as close as possible, his lower stomach grazing against your knees.
âMaybe when I retireâ He joked, swirling the drink around in his glass.
âNo, but this is seriously so goodâ You told him, genuinely now, âIs there anything that you canât do?â
âStopâ His face turned red, and he looked embarrassed, âItâs just a drink. I didnât do anything elseâ
âWell, nobodyâs ever made me a Queen of Hearts beforeâÂ
He glanced up at you, âTheyâre missing out on a great opportunity thenâ
âMmh. Iâm sure nobodyâs dying to do thatâ
His smile fell, hand landing on your knee, âDonât do thatâ
âDo whatâŚ?â
âTalk down about yourselfâ
You blinked. It really wasnât your intention to do that. You were just being honest. Nobody you knew in your life, or in all of Daejon would ever make a drink like this for you. There wasnât anything wrong with that, but it was just the truth.
So it was interesting that he interpreted it as such, as if your reply offended him.
âI wasnâtâ You clarified, âI just meantâŚthereâs not a lot of guys in Daejon with skill sets like yoursâ
The way you said it made you cringe, it came out sounding so professionally formal.
He looked up at you, sincere expression, âThatâsâŚa compliment Iâve never got beforeâ
You broke into a laugh, and absentmindedly put your hand over his, the one that rested on your knee. His hand dwarfed yours in comparison, but you drew circles over it as you talked, âWell, I have a gift and a burning desire for pleasing others or Iâll shrivel up and dieâ
Hyunjin laughed, squeezing your knee, and his hair was wet, but it was already beginning to dry up around his face.
âI like when youâre like thatâ He suddenly spoke, eyes focused on his drink, not you.
You took a sip of it too, watching him, âWhen Iâm like what?â
âI donât knowâ He looked up, âConfident. Funny. Yourself. NotâŚsadâ
âYou make it sound like Iâm always depressedâ
He shook his head, âYou know what I meanâ
âI donâtâÂ
He sighed, as if wondering whether to say it or not.
You drew a star on his hand, the one that rest on your knee, âTell me. Itâs our last night together anywayâ
It seemed like that was the push he needed, and he placed his glass to the side, âThe past few weeks you havenât seemed the mostâŚhappy. I know that you were having a lot of trouble with your friends, and with the art program applicationâ He trailed off, looking guilty again, âAnd because of meâŚâ
You stayed quiet, letting him continue.
âI guess it was just not a great time for you. But tonight, when Iâm talking to youâŚit feels like those problems donât exist in the moment. I know I have to leave tomorrow, and I know you were upset about that, and you have every right to be, but right nowâŚit feels like youâre less burdened somehowâ
You didnât know he noticed so many things about you, and so your heart warmed at just that implication. Hearing him recount what youâd been going through, you also felt a little emotional.
He looked up at you, looking a little panicked, âOr I could be completely wrong. You can correct meâ
âNoâ You refuted, âYouâre not wrong. I do feelâŚless burdened. I guess I just never thought of it like that. For me, it just felt like each day was getting progressively worse. I didnât look at it from any other perspectiveâ
âYeah⌠but things will work out for you, Y/Nâ He said so simply, âI know that sounds preach-y, but⌠it may feel like everything in your life is going wrong somehow, but I assure you itâs not. Every bad day youâve recently hadâŚall of that wonât matter soon enough, and so you have to know that this sadness isnât foreverâ
You blinked, staring at him. Absentmindedly, his hand slid further up your leg, drifting from your knee to your thigh. You let it.
He pushed his stray hair back with his other hand, tucking the strands behind his ear, âAnd I know how much this art program meant to you, Iâve had my share of failed dreams before, so I know how gut-wrenching it is, but this isnât the end of your art journey. You know that right?â
âHow can you be so sure?â
âWell, it canât be. You have a gift, andâŚI know that itâs not going to wasteâ
You smiled, cheeks full from his words, âYou have a gift too, you know?â
He locked eyes with you, and he was blushing too, and his fingers rest at your upper thigh now, âYeah? Whatâs that?â
âYou have...such a good heart, Hyunjinâ
His eyes widened, hanging on to your every word.
âYouâre the kindest person I know. It doesnât sound like much, butâŚIâve not met many people like you, genuinely good people. I respect thatâŚa lot. You deal with so much bullshit in your life, but you still find a way to be happyâ
His eyes lit up, a gorgeous smile appearing on his face, âIsnât that the point of everything? The endgameâ
You laughed, âIt is. It what weâre all working towards. I just wish everyone else could be like youâ
He smiled at your words, and you would miss this so much. The kind of ideas that you could talk about for hours. He looked beautiful like this. He looked like the most beautiful thing in the world when he was happy. He was shy too, biting his upper lip, and his cheeks were all red.
So you continued, to make that emotion last as long as you could, âIâm serious. You have such a kind heart, Hyunjin. You put your soul into everything you do, even if thatâs just talking to someone at the grocery store or something. I think if someone met you, even for just a day in their life, youâd impact them foreverâ
His eyes crinkled with each sentence, bashful smile appearing, âThank youâ
You took another sip, and you watched him.
He was finishing his drink faster than you, and you just wanted him to be closer.
So, you lift your legs up, folding them on the counter, sitting cross-legged while facing him. His eyebrow shot up, for just a second, before he realised why you did that. He stepped closer, till his body was pressed to the counter, and his face was inches apart from you.Â
He lift his glass up, indulging in the last drink, but his eyes stayed on you, and his hand was on your thigh again.
âThank you for the drink and⌠for the pep talk. I really enjoyed thatâ You told him.
He placed his empty glass next to you, a sincere look in his eyes, âThatâs what Iâm here forâ
You couldnât stop yourself from smiling, and you felt like your cheekbones would hurt.
âEverybody deserves to have someone like you in their lives, Hyunjinâ
He was smiling too, cheeks full, eyes twinkling, âYou too, Y/Nâ
You went to sip your drink, but it was already empty and you stared at the glass in your lap, âI finished itâ
Hyunjin stared at your lap too, and the petals in the glass balanced in the space between your legs, âDo you want another?â
âAnother drink?â You looked up at him.
He nodded, and his cheeks were so flushed, so he was already a little tipsy, âWe can make a stronger oneâ
âYou have a train to catch in the morning. Is that a good idea?â
âIâll be fineâ He reassured you, âThis night is more important to me than thatâ
You clutched the counter on both sides, and nodded, âOkay. Another drink sounds good to me thenâ
He nodded, eyes half-lidded, âCan I have your glass?â
You hummed, âYeahâ but you made no effort to give it to him.
So, his eyes flickered from yours, to the glass between your legs.Â
Carefully, he reached for it, trying to grasp the thin stem. You didnât move an inch, holding your breath.Â
His fingers brushed against your inner thighs, and he stilled. But he didnât say anything.Â
He went straight for it, and grabbed the wine glass, so near to where you needed him the most.Â
Careful, he lifted it up from between your legs, and then finally you could breathe again. He walked over to the cabinet, âWhat kind of drink do you want this time?â
âIâll trust your judgementâ
He busied himself yet again, explaining what he was making, using up all the leftover gin he had. You watched him as he worked. The t-shirt was fitted, and it was a little wet from the rain, sticking to his body tightly. That must be uncomfortable.Â
As he moved about, pouring the gin into your glasses, you focused on how his back muscles flexed and relaxed. He was so good with his hands, as he worked swiftly and quickly.
Your head was already beginning to spin.
âYou have anything to eat?â You asked.
He looked back at you, âAre you dizzy?â
âJust a bitâ You reassured him with a smile, âI am hungry thoughâ
He turned, hands on his hips, and you found it hard to focus on his face. The t-shirt was basically see-through at this point, sticking to every ridge and muscle in his body, clinging to him.Â
âI might have some chocolate, but I donât remember if I packed it in my suitcase alreadyâ
âYou know what, donât worry about itâ You waved it off with your hand, âIâll be fineâ
He looked worried, âYou sure?â
âMmh-mhâ
âAnd youâre okay to have another drink? We donât need toâÂ
âNo, we wonât get to do this again, so yes Iâm okayâ
This was your last night, your brain kept screaming at you, again and again.
He turned to finish garnishing the drink. His hair was still long enough to brush his shoulders, and it stuck to the back of his neck, and the shade of brown really suited him. You wanted to run your hands through it, feel the wet hair between your fingertips, scratch it with your nails.Â
His girlfriendâŚshe must have had the honour to do that, whenever she wanted.
Unlike you. You always had to wait for moments.Â
Moments like the one in the Photobooth. Or under the fireflies.
The special moments you lived for.
You couldnât just casually walk up to him, and kiss him.
You were a little tipsy, so you didnât think twice, âCan I ask you about her?â
He paused, and asked you, âHer?â
âThe pop star you datedâÂ
Understanding sank into his shoulders, and he handed you the glasses. The second round of drinks were ready. Standing opposite you, he crossed one arm over his stomach, drinking with the other hand.
âYou donât have to, if you donât feel comfortableâ You added, watching him carefully.
He didnât seem uncomfortable.
He tipped his head back, drinking, and then looked at you, âYou really want to know?â
âYeahâ You gripped the counter, and your drink lay to the side, untouched.
You added, âI mean sheâs your ex, andâŚweâre friends. Friends talk about that kind of stuffâ
He nodded, slightly, âThey doâ
You were relieved, never wanting to make him uncomfortable, but you were burning with curiosity.
âWhat do you want to know?â He tilt his head.
âHow did you meet her?â
He suddenly relaxed, as if heâd been expecting you to ask much harder questions, âOh, uh. She was training at the same company I was. On a different floor, of course. She was one of the top trainees of her year, andâŚwe would practice at the same time, overnight. I bumped into her a few times thenâ
âOh. Sounds like she worked really hardâ
Hyunjin nodded, âI mean, we had no choice, but yeahâŚshe was one of the few who really pushed herself. Some days it felt impossible to debut, so you really only made it if you worked your ass off, you know?â He then paused, as if wondering whether to say the next thing or not, but he did it anyway, âThatâs what I liked the most about herâ
Your gut clenched, but your curiosity overshadowed the jealousy that was eating you up.
âSoâŚdid you ask her out? Or did she?â
He took another sip of his drink, glancing briefly to the floor and then up at you, âYeah. I had a stupid teenage crush on herâ
The words were enough to make you finally pick up your drink, and perhaps you needed to be inebriated before listening to this.
A fucking crush. She must have been the luckiest girl in the world to be crushed on by Hwang Hyunjin. You wondered what she looked like, but maybe it was better not to know. She was a star, she was probably perfect.
If he ever told you he had a crush on you, youâd probably pass out.Â
âWas that allowedâŚ? To date another trainee?â
Hyunjin then laughed, shaking his head, âUm, not at all. It was forbiddenâ
Oh.
It was forbidden, but he did it anyway.
âYou must have liked her a lotâ
He hummed, swirling the liquid in his glass, âI was a stupid kid. I wasnât thinkingâ
âSo you regret it?â
He shook his head, âNo. I needed the experienceâ
âOf dating?â
âThat, but alsoâŚa month or so after we started going out, one of her friends was asked to leave the company because she was caught up in a scandal. A dating one. That made me realise that I was risking my entire life, and my dream, forâŚa girlâ
âHowâd you do it?â
âDo what?â He seemed confused.
Your body was alight with all of this information.
âKeep it a secret for that longâ
He smiled a bit at the memory, âUm. We found ways. Weâd meet after dinner, and during late-night practices. Sometimes really early in the morningâ
You think you would die.
âDid you fuck?â
Hyunjinâs eyes shot up to yours, wide, surprised.Â
You donât know what the hell possessed you to say that, but you didnât budge, indicating to him that it was okay to answer.
He slowly nodded, tongue poking his cheek, âYeah. We didâ
You were dying.
But for some godforsaken reason, you needed to know the details. As if the thoughts of his secret dating days was arousing to you.
âTell me moreâ
He til his head, words at the tip of his tongue. He wanted to ask you if you really wanted to know, or why you were so curious, but he didnât ask.Â
You wouldnât have asked if you werenât prepared to hear the answer.
Hyunjin was staring at you, assessing every little detail of your facial expression, and you wanted to seem confident. You werenât some kid.Â
You could hear about him having sex, and not freak out.
Thoughts of him fucking some pop star should kill you, but it didnât. Your core was tight, with anticipation, with imagination. You pressed your thighs together, waiting for him to talk.
âUmâŚâ He paused, to take another sip. Perhaps he needed some liquid courage too sometimes, âIt was neverâŚwe never had too much time on our hands. It was always quick. Rushed, but I think thatâs where half of the thrill of it was. The fear of being caught anytime. If we werenât quick, we wouldnât have been able toâŚâ
Your heart was pounding.
Images flashing in your head.Â
He looked into your eyes, and you just nodded, for him to continue. If he looked at your hands, he would see your knuckles were white from gripping the counter too hard.Â
âIt was hotâ He spoke, Adamâs apple bobbing as he swallowed, âThe secrecy. TheâŚshared glances. Nobody but us knew what went on. During group sessions, we would watch each otherâŚin the practice room. Working out. Dancingâ
âAnd?â
It wasnât enough.
His eyes had a peculiar expression, like he couldnât understand why you wanted to know all this stuff, but he told you anyway, âAndâŚon bad days, when she was frustrated or upset, IâdâŚbe there for her. In the way that she wantedâ
You took a large sip of your drink, the alcohol sour in your mouth, and your head was beginning to spin. In a good way. You were wet too.
You didnât think you could ever feel this way.Â
You were dizzy with want, and with desire, and his name escaped your lips in what was almost a complaint, âHyunjinâŚâ
âYeah?â He was immediate to step closer, keeping his glass aside. He put his hands on either side of you, caging you in place, and his voice dropped so low, âAre you gonna tell me why you wanted to know that?â
âI donât knowâ You mumbled, âI donât understand it myselfâ
He leaned in, watching you, âYouâve had a lot to drinkâ
âIâm fineâ
His voice softened, and he grabbed the glass from you, âI know, butâŚletâs not drink anymore, okay?â
âWhy?â You whined, âItâs your last nightâ
He out a soft laugh, âItâs not like Iâm dying or anything. Iâll only be a few hours away from youâ
âA few hours is a lot. I donât want you to be even a few minutes awayâ You complained.
He smiled, adoration in his eyes, âSo, what do you want then? To stay with me all the time?â
You nodded, eyes closing, âThat sounds fairâ
He laughed, loudly, âIs it really? What about my job? Is it fair for me to leave all of that?â
âWhat about me?â You opened your eyes to look at him.Â
He was so close, just inches away. His wispy bangs stuck to his forehead, grazing his eyebrows. His eyes were full of amusement, they were so brown, and so big.Â
His lips were thick, tinted with the colors of the drink, and even little accidents like that made him look perfect, like he was sculpted by a great artist. You could admire him for hours.
He tilt his head, âWhat about you?â
You pursed your lips, feeling sad all of a sudden, âAre you gonna forget all about me?â
His smiled, hand tracing your cheek, âYou really think so?â
âYour whole life is waiting for you back thereâ
He nodded, âIt isâŚâ
âYou have so much to look forward toâ You told him. So much more than what this life here in this little small-town could give him.Â
He spoke, âMaybe thatâs why Iâm not sad. I guess because Seoul has always been my homeâ
Your heart felt heavy at his confession but you understood him, âHyunâŚâ
âI know. It sounds horrible. I was born here, and this is where my parents used to live before we moved, and this town should mean so much more to me. I feel like Iâm betrayingâŚthatâ
âYouâre not betraying anyone, Hyun. You may not feel this town anymore but Daejon will still always be here for you. If you ever need itâ
He glanced at you, eyes wide.
âAnd I will be tooâ You continued, âIf you ever need meâ
His mouth parted as he whispered, âThank youâ
You swallowed, staring at his lips, âWhat do we do now?â
His eyes flickered over you, and he was quiet.
Your heart was racing a mile a minute, and your mind too.Â
âI donât knowâ He finally spoke.
Your heart carried a sense of unfulfilment.
There was more that should happen.Â
You could talk to each other for hours, and it was endless. Unfortunately, time was linear.
It was finite, and yours with him was coming to an end.
Youâd been here for hours, yet it didnât feel like that.
Hyunjin was staring at you, half-lidded eyes, and empty promises swirled within them.
You swallowed your sadness, trying to find words, âYour manager, heâs going to be coming here soon, right?â
âYeah. His train will arriveâŚany time nowâ He glanced at his phone, âHeâs almost hereâŚâ
âI should go before he arrivesâ
Hyunjin nodded, stepping back, âYeah. HeâŚhe canât see you hereâ
You jumped off the counter, suddenly unsure what to do or say. This was it.
He was going to be gone soon.
You stared at each other, at a loss for words. You couldnât even cry. You just felt a certain numbness. The numbness he talked about. Maybe it was the gin.
You also felt like you were in denial, like he would return soon and youâd see him tomorrow morning.Â
But the last time he leftâŚhe didnât return for years.
Why would now be any different?
âI donât know what to sayâ You mumbled, stupidly. There was nothing wrong with being honest.
He was leaving, and you couldnât breathe. The air in your body wasnât enough, and you were panicking because you didnât know what to fucking say. Why had nobody prepared you for goodbyes like this?
In the movies, they were so dramatic, but real life wasnât like that.
In the books, they were so romantic, but there was no time for love in his life.
Hyunjinâs expression softened, âYou donât have to say anything. I donât want you to be sad. Weâre going to meet again, and weâll see each other soonâ
You nodded, air returning to your lungs, âRight. Youâre completely right, Hyunjinâ
There was no need to freak out. He wasnât dying, or anything.Â
You didnât want this to be some big deal. You werenât going to cry, or make a scene.Â
âItâs only for a little whileâ He shot you a smile.
âYeahâ Your palms were sweaty, and you wiped them on your jeans. You stared at the kitchen counter, and your wine glasses lay empty. You wish youâd asked for another drink. You wish tonight didnât have to end. You wish time wasnât linear, and you could go back.
Fuck. If you could change things, you would have gone back just an hour tonight, and you would have told him you were in love with him.
But it was too late now.Â
He was just your friend, and he would stay in touch with you, like friends did. It wasnât any different than what Yeonjun did when he left, or even Seonghwa.
âI should goâ You stated, with finality.
Hyunjin nodded, then stepped forward, closing the distance between you until he stood an arm's length away.
âThank you for coming overâ He mentioned, âI wouldnât have been able to sleep tonight anywayâ
âOf course. ThatâsâŚwhat friends are forâ You smiled up at him.
He suddenly seemed awkward, hands at his side like he didnât know what to do, âCan I hug you?â
Why was this so strange?
Why were neither of prepared for this?
Youâd never said goodbye to a boy you loved, so you didnât know how it worked.
You wish there was a manual for this. But even every tutorial in the world couldnât prepare you for the look in his eyes.
You got up on your toes, pulling him into an embrace, and he immediately hugged you back. His strong arms wrapped around your body, squeezing you in his grip.Â
You could smell the rain on him, a faint hint of his cologne, his shampoo. Youâd want to bottle up his scent, and keep it with you forever. The air smelt like the ground after it rained, and like an unrequited love.
You tried to memorise the shape of his arms on you, and the sound of his heart beat.Â
Hyunjin let go of you, far too quickly, but it was what you needed, or youâd never leave.
You were in a state of fugue, indulging in actions, but not thinking, not feeling.
You found yourself at the front door, and you donât remember how you got here. You looked back at him, âText me when you get to the city, okay?â
He nodded, âI will. Donât worry, okay?â
All your words seem stuck in you. They canât seem to make it past your chest.
Maybe a part of you thought thereâd be some grand declaration of love by now, but this was real life and those things never happened.
You turned to leave.
âWaitââ He suddenly spoke.
âWhat?â You asked, anticipation swelling within you.
His wait held so many promises. So much hope.
Wait, Iâm in love with you too.
Wait, Iâm fucking stupid for leaving you all alone in this town.
Wait, please donât leave me without kissing me goodbye.
He retreated to the kitchen counter, âWait â your sketchbook. Donât forget to take thatâÂ
âOh. Of courseâ You grabbed it from him, fingers brushing against his.Â
âTake care of yourselfâ He spoke, and it was so forced. It was the right thing to say, obviously. Itâs what you told people when you wouldnât see them again for a while.Â
But it felt wrong, like you were both forcing yourselves to follow traditions, and patterns, but those never worked on the two of you.
You pushed open the door, and a gust of wind blew in. The storm had passed now, so you could get home safely, by yourself, all alone.Â
Looking over your shoulder as you walked out, you felt nothing. He smiled at you, but it didnât reach his eyes. His heart wasnât in it.Â
You were drained out, and all of your emotions were spent.
You held the sketchbook to your chest, focusing on the sound of your footsteps on the wet pavement, and not on Hyunjinâs house behind you.
You heard the door close behind you, and you squeezed the sketchbook a little harder, willing yourself to walk as fast as you could.
It felt like it would be the most emotionally draining moment of your life, but you felt so numb too.
You passed his front porch and bedroom window, and you remembered the first time youâd come over. How heâd shown you all of his art, and his painting. Youâd been surprised to know how wonderfully his mind worked.Â
Even back then, heâd asked if he could hug you. Always soâŚfucking nice.Â
You were already forgetting the feel of his arms around you.
You stopped in your tracks, and you shouldnât.
You turned around.
His house was beautiful, like him.Â
Tomorrow, it would be empty.
Right now, it was so full of him, of his love, and of everything that made him him.
Your body took on a mind of its own, and you were walking.Â
You were walking back to his place. It was stupid.Â
What the hell were you doing?
You had no plan or idea of what youâd say when you got there, but that couldnât have been your goodbye.Â
You needed to see him one more time. Just another minute.
You raised your hand in a fist to knock on his door, but before you could, the door flew open.
He stood there, staring at you, eyes wide.Â
His hair was messy like heâd run his hand through it a million times since you walked away, but that was only twenty fucking seconds ago.
âY/NâŚâ He spoke, breathing heavy as his eyes flickered all over you, and the fact that youâd come back.
âWhat⌠what were you doing?â You had the audacity to ask him when you didnât even know what the fuck you were doing.
He was breathing so heavy, chest moving rapidly up and down, âI donât really know. I was coming after youâÂ
Realisation sank in.Â
Youâd come back to see him again, and in the same breath he was coming after you.Â
The world was really so cruel.
How could two people be so perfect for each other but be destined to be apart?
You couldnât say anything, except his name, âHyunââ
And in the same breath, his lips collided with yours, so hard and fast.
The impact was so powerful you stumbled back, but his arm was tightly wrapped around you, holding you up.Â
It was tight around your waist, gripping you, and he was devouring you, lips moving against yours like they never should be apart.Â
You were running out of time.
You kissed him back, hands coming up to his arms, gripping his biceps tight, fingernails digging in.Â
Time was running and it was slipping away every second that the Earth was turning, but his grip on you was so strong that even a planet couldnât come between you.
You stood at his doorway, on the threshold, halfway in, halfway out.
Heâd never kissed you like this.Â
His hand slipped into your hair, gripping onto it so tightly it almost hurt, tilting your head back and back as he towered over you. He kept kissing you, pressing pecks against your lips, bruising them.
Your hands drifted into the front of his shirt, and you gripped it in your fists, holding onto him for life.
âFuckââ He mumbled, in a breath between pecks. Fuck, youâre actually fucking doing this again.
Your body was heating up, and he stopped to let you breathe, moving his mouth over your jawline and leaving kisses to your ear. You were putty in his hands, and he tilt his head the other way, pecking every inch of un-kissed skin.
âYou came backâ He breathed, pupils dilated as he looked right at you, and both his hands came to hold your face.
âI couldnât goâ You were panting, trying to get the air back in.
âIâm gonna miss you so fucking muchâ His lips trailed over yours again, tracing your mouth to memory.
âI know, I knowâ You nodded, realising that you were both tasting your tears. You didnât even know you had tears.
The door was wide open and it was stupid to do this now, but it was everything. The wind prickled goosebumps up your arms, and legs, and you both kissed each other goodbye.
âCan I just say something?â He asked, breathing heavy.Â
âThereâs no timeâ You told him, kissing him again, and again.
He laughed slightly, âIâll be quickâ
You pulled away, âTell meâ
He was speaking quickly, trying to get all the words out in one breath, âI know weâve said it a million times. I know weâre supposed to just be friends, and I know nothing can happen, butâŚI have no self-control around you. Iâm so fucking sorryâ
It didnât make you sad. Youâd heard it before, and you embraced it.
âDonât apologiseâ You mumbled, and your hands drifted around his waist, feeling him up.Â
Was it possible to want somebody so bad, knowing it would lead to absolutely nothing?
He swallowed, âI know we have to just be friendsâŚbut Iâm so fucking attracted to you. Like an absolutely insane amount. Itâs impossible for me to pretend Iâm not into youâ
Each word he said just made you wet, and you kissed him instead of answering.Â
There was no time, because when were things ever easy for you?
You felt him up, all you could, hands drifting to his ass, and to the front of his pants, squeezing him through his sweatpants.
He left kisses on your jaw, and he felt you up too. His hand squeezed your ass, the other going up the front of your shirt. His fingers grazed your bra, and he pulled you even closer to him.
âCan I take you inside?â He whispered, âPlease, please, pleaseâ
âHyunjin, I donât wanna be interruptedâ You breathed, because thatâs what always happened.Â
âMe neitherâ He mumbled into your neck, breathing in your scent, âWe wonât⌠go there. We wonât sleep togetherâ
You pulled back to look him in the eyes, because it sounded impossible right now, âWould we be able to stop before that?â
He nodded, âIf you canât, Iâll stop us. Donât worryâ
How could you say no?Â
So he took your hand, fingers intertwining with yours, as you found yourselves back in his bedroom. Everything was put away, and his room was empty, but you sat on the bed and didnât break the kiss for a second.
You didnât have the luxury to go further, but you could just kiss. So you did just that.
He didnât pull you into his lap, because you wouldnât be able to control yourself if he did.
Instead, you sat cross-legged, facing each other, mouths meeting in the middle like two teenagers dared to kiss at a party.
He kept his hand in your hair, the other on your waist, and it was so innocent it was sweet. Your hands rested on his thighs, squeezing the skin through his sweats.
You didnât know much time you had left, until he had to leave, until you were interrupted. You hope his manager never showed up.Â
You continued to feel him up, memorising every ridge and muscle of his body, and he let out soft moans every time you touched him somewhere new.
âIâm so glad you came backâ He mumbled, âI wanted you so muchâ
âWhy didnât you ask me?â You almost whined, kissing his jawline, âI wanted you tooâ
Things got more heated, and in a matter of seconds, he was pulling you closer to him. Your knees skidded across the mattress, as Hyunjin pulled you to him.Â
Nothing was supposed to happen, but somehow, you were fiddling with the knot of his sweatpants, and he had unbuttoned your jeans, pulling the button out of its loop.Â
You were dizzy with desire, and his hand slipped inside your jeans, at the same time that yours did into his sweatpants. Now you really did feel like teenagers â making out with your hands down each otherâs pants.
It was hard for him because the waistband of your jeans were so tight, and he seemed frustrated. If youâd known this was going to happen, youâd have worn a dress, or maybe nothing at all, so nothing could stop him from touching you.
His fingers brushed against your underwear, and you were so fucking wet it was ridiculous. You bit back a moan, heâd barely touched you but you were burning.
Everything was spinning, and you were so high off off him. His fingers pushed your panties to the side, your arousal making it harder for him to do.
âFuckâŚyouâre really wetâ He mumbled, and his fingers touched your core. You let out a moan at the feeling.
This was the first time heâd touched you like this, and you couldnât focus on anything. Your hand in his pants stilled, as his fingers started to brush languid circles across your clit.Â
Your head fell forward, against his forehead, and he didnât even seem to mind that youâd stopped touching his cock. He was too focused on you.Â
âShhâŚI got youâ He breathed, kissing your jaw, as he pressed his fingers against you, truly feeling how much you wanted him. You couldnât describe the way he touched you, as if he was caressing you, fingers brushing against your folds so delicately. Nobody had ever touched you like this.
Your mouth parted, allowing Hyunjin to slip his tongue in, and his anxiety manifested in how intensely he kissed you, like he was running out of time, like this was the last time. You let him take control, as he controlled the pace of it, making out with you. Yet, making out seemed too crude a word for what he was doing. He was savouring every kiss - no half-kisses, no pecks - mouth crushed to yours like he wanted to devour you and youâd let him.
Youâd been turned on since hours. You needed more. You gripped onto his bicep tightly, your other hand buried down his pants, hoping he would get the hint. His fingers prodded at your entrance, feeling you.
âWill you let me?â He asked, voice so innocent. Youâd never said yes so fast before in your life.
Your lips grazed his ear, and then his cheek, âPlease, Hyunâ
He pulled back to look at you, âAre you sure?â
âPleaseâ
âStop me if it hurts, okay?â He kissed under your ear, and then in one swift move, he pushed a finger inside you. You stopped breathing the deeper he got, and you looked at him, mouth parted.Â
It didnât hurt. He could never hurt you.
âYouâre so gorgeousâ He mumbled, and then he pulled his finger back, before pushing it back in. An embarrassing moan escaped you, and he smiled at your reaction.Â
âYou like it when I do that?â He asked, and he was out of breath, just like you. He began thrusting out, and then back in, slow, lazy strokes, like he was still getting a feel for it, familiarising himself with your reactions and your body. But there was no time for slow, or careful.
âHoly shitâ You mumbled, feeling like youâd pass out, âYou can âYou can go deeper, and faster too...pleaseâ
You had to make him feel good too. So you went back to work, wrapping your hand entirely around his cock. It was a different kind of feeling, to be doing this with all of your clothes still on. There was a small stain at the front of his sweatpants, and he was leaking already. The sight made you dizzy and crazy.
You brushed your thumb against his tip. He let out a moan, eyes fluttering shut, âFuck. If you do that, I canât focus on youâÂ
He then thrust another finger deep inside you, stretching you open, as if in retaliation.
Your mouth fell open in a moan, eyes squeezing shut, but you didnât stop moving your hand over his cock, âButâ but youâre distracting meâ
You were both a mess of whimpers and moans, and he kept fingering you open, stretching you out. Youâre sure his hand was dripping with your arousal, just like yours was covered in his pre-cum.
Hyunjin became impatient, bucking his hips for more friction, and you increased your pace too. He whimpered, back arching, and cursed loudly, fucking himself into your hand. His hair was wet with sweat, sticking to his forehead, to his neck.
âFuck, youâre so beautifulâ You told him, pressing your mouth to his.
He fingered you harder.Â
Your vision was a blur, and all you could focus on was moving your hand over his length. Something about making him moan, while his fingers were buried inside you, was so fucking hot. He was too big in your hands, and you wanted him so bad. But youâd made an agreement, and you couldnât fuck, no matter how tempting it was.
Time ticked so fast, slipping from within you.
âAre you close?â He whispered into your ear, finger fucking you slowly. It was far too much to handle. You squirmed in his grip, âYeah. Go faster, pleaseâ
He nodded, pressing a kiss to your lips and then increased his pace. You could hear how turned on you were, the wet sounds echoing through his room.
âItâd be easier without the jeansâ He mumbled, fucking you open with just his fingers, frustrated at how the waistband restricted his movements.Â
âAre you close too?âÂ
He hummed, âIâm so close. I could cum probably just from touching youâ
His words shot another wave of arousal through you, and your core tightened around him, impossibly.
âFuck â you justâŚgot so tight. Did you like that?â He asked you.
You nodded, no coherent thought in your head.
âShit, come hereâ He said, and he pulled your hand out of his sweatpants. You whined at the loss of contact, but he pulled you into his lap instead. His arm came around to hold you up, and you were sat right on his crotch.
âWhat aboutââ You went to ask, but he shut you up with a kiss.Â
His hand slipped back inside your jeans, and he slid your panties to the side again, âLet meâ
You nodded, putting your hands around his neck.
He was so hard under you, and experimentally he thrust up, the friction of you on him so much, and he breathed, âShit. That feels...amazingâ
Everything was spinning, except him, âDonât stopâ
âRemember what I told you?â He mumbled, hand gripping your hip, and you nodded.Â
Heâd taught you how to make him feel good, back when you were still in the Photobooth. So, you dragged yourself over his crotch, slowly. It was harder to do when his fingers were still inside you, but every little movement felt amplified.Â
You didnât care about anything but him, you didnât need this to be slow, you didnât need it to be careful. You just needed him, and that was perfect.
His head fell back, and you kissed messily, spit between your mouths. He was thrusting up into you, to the same pace that his fingers moved inside you. It seemed like that was really enough for him too. Every little contact drove you crazy, like it was your first time touching a boy, and his first time touching a girl. There was so much novelty in the way you two moved against each other, and no finesse. Everything was rushed, every kiss messy, each feeling intensified.Â
You caressed the sides of his face, âI want you to fuck me, pleaseâ
His eyes widened, but he thrust up so hard at those words, âY/N, we canâtâ
âPlease, just the...just the tipâ
He kissed you, âI want to, so badly, but --â
âBut what?â
He looked genuinely sorry, breaking away from the kiss, âI donât have a...condom. I'm sorryâ
Oh, the irony. You wanted to scream with agony, because you donât think youâd ever wanted someone this bad before.
âIâm so sorryâ He mumbled, kissing you again, but then his voice turned darker, âMy fingers arenât enough for you?â
You clenched, âNo. No- they areâ
He thrust both fingers in with so much pressure, stretching you open, âIs that better?â
You pressed your lips to his, wanting to kiss him through your orgasm, because your stomach was tightening and you were so close. Hyunjin deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue into your mouth, and he was suddenly so rough and intense but you absolutely loved that.
He was breathing heavy, eyes half-lidded and consumed with lust, just like you. His lips were so puffy, and swollen, thick and full, and so pink, and he was fingering you so perfectly. Your core tightened, and you pressed your mouth to his again, to let him kiss you because you felt so out of control.
âWaitâ wait, I wanna look at youâ He breathed, pushing both fingers in so deep, curling them just right. All it took was to look at him for you to completely let go.Â
Stars dotted your vision, and you whimpered, your entire body trembling.Â
âHyunââ You buried your face in his neck, a white hot flash overtaking you, travelling from your core to your heart, to your head.Â
He was still grinding against you, faster now, lips hovering over yours, chasing a high youâd both been denied for far too long. And just seconds after, he let out a long drawn out moan, hips twitching up into you, eyes squeezed shut as he cursed, âFuckâ
For a few minutes, there was nothing but the sounds of your breaths.Â
He was breathing deeply, and his hair was drenched, sweat dripping down his face, and neck and chest.
He opened his eyes. You wanted to cuddle up in his arms and go to sleep. From the look on his face, he wanted the same. You stared at each others state, and slowly he pulled his hand out of your jeans. Sweat trickled down his chin. It sparkled like glitter. You traced his jawline with your hands, soaking up the sweat into your skin.
You didnât say anything, but he wrapped his arms tighter around your body. You gripped the front of his shirt, squeezing it in your grip. His heart was beating so fast.Â
âYou okay?â He asked you, his voice so gentle.
You hummed, and you felt drained, but you felt exhilarated too.
His hand rubbed your back, soothing you.
You tilt your head at him, âYou?â
A smile pulled at his lips, âYeah. Iâm okayâ
You traced his pecs through the shirt, not wanting him to leave. It was criminal for this feeling to end, and for this pleasure to not be yours everyday. Nothing had ever felt this good, and even in your post-coital haze, you wanted him more.Â
So you blurted, âWhat if I did it anyway?â
âDid what?â
âWhat ifâŚI moved to Seoul anyway? Maybe I could go there firstâŚand look for a job later. I know itâs crazy and impulsive but Iâve always wanted to live there andââ
You trailed off, at his expression.
âDo you think itâs a stupid idea or something?â You chewed on your lower lip.
Hyunjinâs eyes followed that movement, and his thumb traced your mouth, âNo âŚitâs not stupid at all. Itâs what youâve wanted for a few years, right?â
âIt sounds crazy and impulsiveâŚbecause I donât even have a plan of what Iâll do, but maybe...that doesnât matterâ
Before he could speak up, his phone buzzed against the nightstand.
He glanced at it, and then to you.
Just at that minute, you heard the cab pull up. Hyunjin sighed, closing his eyes, and you got off his lap. He peeked through the blinds, âFuck. Heâs hereâ
âI should leaveâ You stood, gathering your things. There was no time to ask for his opinion anymore. Maybe he didnât want to tell you it was a batshit insane idea.
âHold onâ He handed you his sweatshirt, the one that had dried by now, âItâs a cold walk out. You sure youâll make it home safe?â
âDonât worry about meâ You told him, squeezing his sweatshirt in your hands, feeling silly for blurting out such a spontaneously dumb idea that made it very obvious how much you loved him.
A car door opened outside, and his manager must have stepped out. It was almost four in the morning. You were going to be leaving through the back.Â
His manager couldnât see you here.Â
Youâd already said your goodbyes, in the only way you knew how to.
You stepped out onto the patio, but Hyunjin grabbed your arm, urgency in his tone, âYou should do it, Y/Nâ
You turned, confused, âDo what?â
The doorbell rang.
Hyunjin spoke quickly, âWhat you were just talking about. Even if you didnât get into the program you wanted, you should move there. To Seoulâ
Your eyes widened, tears filling up suddenly, and you quickly pulled him into another hug, and he stumbled into your embrace, âThank you for saying that. I think itâd feel less scary with you thereâ
His lips brushed against your ear, âItâs the least I can do. Being here was less scary for me, only because of youâ
He kissed you a rushed goodbye, but for the first time that night, your heart didnât hurt anymore.
ââââ-
Your morning passed in a daze.Â
Time wasnât real, as you lay on your bed, counting down the seconds until his train. Minutes stretched into hours into seconds, and you must have been more tired than you thought, because you woke up to drool on your pillow.Â
The sun told you it was the afternoon.Â
Youâd fallen asleep in the clothes you wore to the drive-in theater. Your underwear was still wet, and reminded you of him. You were smiling to yourself like a crazy person, as you dressed yourself for work, and you put his sweatshirt on. It smelled just like him, and as you walked to work, the grass and the birds and the houses all remind you of him.Â
Was it possible to fall even more in love with someone?
You were distracted, often drifting into thoughts of his moans, of the sensation of his hand in your pants, but it was frustrating because the man of your affections was moving miles away from you by the minute.
Hyunjinâs first text came at a precarious time.
You had been packing a pink acrylic canister for a customer, and the pings of your phone were so distinctive, you instantly knew it was him. It had to be Hyunjin, he must have already reached home, and you had to hold back an urge to text him back.
The phone buzzed incessantly against the glass countertop, and the lady in front of you raised an eyebrow.
âSorryâ You apologised for the ringing, âI forgot to put it on silentâ
She didnât really seem to care, âCan I try a paint swatch of the pink before you pack it up?â
âOf courseâ You unscrewed the cap, dipping a stray paintbrush into it, so you could show her how it showed up on paper, âIs that good?â
âUm, do you have a brighter one perhaps? I donât think my daughter needs this oneâÂ
You nodded, glancing behind her, âI think itâs in the third aisleâ
A few more pings from your phone caught your attention.
It startled you, making you squeeze the bottle in your hands, and pink paint dripped onto your fingers and the countertop.
âShitâ You mumbled, wiping it clean with a tissue.
The customer was still busy browsing the aisles, and Mrs. Aera would be less than pleased to see you using your phone on your job, butâŚ
It was just for a minute.
hyun
heyy
shit im sorry i couldnât call earlier
Itâs been crazy
but i just got to my dorm
i just wanted to let you know i made itÂ
and i was planning to paint in the train journey over, but i totally passed out lol
you
hey :)
I was just thinking of you
im so glad youre home safe <3
that sounds like something i would do ngl
keep me updated!
tell me everything in detail later please im dying
hyun
sent a photo
can you tell they missed me a lot
It was a picture of him at a stairwell, surrounded by three boys youâd come to recognise as Chan, Changbin and Jisung. They were smiling wide, teeth on display and Changbin was making a kissing face towardâs Hyunjinâs cheek, lips pouted and ready.Â
Jisung was pulling at Hyunjinâs other cheek, and Chan was laughing to the side, eyes closed in pretty crescents.Â
youÂ
theyâre adorable lmao
did changbin actually kiss u haha?
In the picture you literally look like a kid embarrassed by his parents Â
hyunÂ
they wonât let go of me ever since im back
and yeah changbin even insisted on sleeping in my bed tonight..?
i had to reassure them im not going away anytime soonÂ
but its sweet
what are you up to?
i hope you werenât too tired for workÂ
âThis pink seems like a good shade, does it not?â The customer brought you back to reality, placing a canister on the counter, and her gaze fell to the stained countertop, âWhat happened to your hands?â
Your screen was now tainted with pink fingerprint stains, but you didnât care, smiling at the texts you just received. Maybe things would be okay, even when he was gone.
ââââ-
 The first time he called you from the city, was when you were at the diner, and you almost fumbled your latte at the ringing.Â
Seonmi raised a questioning eyebrow as you pushed your coffee cup aside.
You picked up faster than lightning.Â
âHiâ You spoke, into your phone, sounding just a little out of breath.
âHeyâ His voice sent shooting stars through your heart, igniting you with a newfound energy at only eight in the morning. It was hoarse, and smooth at the same time.
Youâd only been texting each other the past few days, heâd been rightfully swept into the whirlwind of his life, and youâd been dying to know how heâd been. Heâd given you little updates, about how it felt to move back in, to get back to his job, at how he was welcomed back by his fans so grandly.Â
Youâd watched his return on the news â the number of people who were there to greet him at the train station was insane, and youâd felt so proud of him. He told you that they had to close a major exit of the station, just because the company hadnât expected that many people to show up.Â
It was the first time youâd physically seen the impact he had, and it didnât surprise you at all. People with pictures of him, banners, and slogans and signs in every language just to welcome him back from his hiatus.
He was so loved by so many people.
Itâd be selfish to want to keep him just to yourself.
âAre you outside?â
âI was just grabbing coffeeâ You explained, pressing your phone to your ear to drown out the sounds of the diner.Â
âMan, I miss The Groveâs coffeeâ
You twirled the cup in your hands, smiling, âIt misses you tooâ
âI thought Iâd call you when I had time. Iâm headed straight to the studio after this. Guess what? The stylists love what I did with my hair, apparently the blonde is an old trend now anyway, and now they want to capture this while itâs still freshâ
You laughed, âWhat? You mean the cheap haircut you gave yourself?â
He chuckled, âMmh. Something about it is raw, and apparently perfect for my comebackâ
You spun on your chair, âWell, they certainly know how to make the best of a situationâÂ
âWeâre recording till late tonight. With the new album, weâre on the clock almost all the time. We have just under two weeks to finish producing itâ
âFor the entire album? Is that enough?â
âIt has to beâ He said, âI donât mind. Itâs what I live forâ
You bit your lip, anticipation coursing through you, âCan I hear it anytime soon?â
He grinned, âYouâll be the first oneâ
He kept his promise.Â
That night, he sent you a video.Â
Itâs a snippet of him in the studio, and you keel at the thumbnail before youâve even opened it. His hair was messy, like heâs straight out of bed before recording, and bulky headphones sat around his neck.Â
You hear someone counting down in the background, and you wonder if thatâs Chan, his producers, or someone else to help with the process. The instrumental is muted, so itâs just Hyunjin singing the backing vocals.
Eyes squeezed shut, heâs lost in the verse of the song. The cadence and tone of his voice so distinctly different from when he speaks. Itâs sassy, and itâs harsh, and the cleanest rap you ever heard.
You stared in awe, earphones plugged in, sat behind the cash counter in your break, and then you watched it again, and again, until youâre called back to your shift.
You think about the video all the while youâre at the store, and you called him as soon as youâre out.
âYou were so good, the verse has been stuck in my head for hours and you sound cocky as fuck, but itâs not an annoying cocky. How do you even do that?â You were belting out compliments for minutes now, and Hyunjin sat at the other end, accepting them with flushed cheeks. He was so shy right now, a stark contrast to his singing personality.Â
âStop. You make me sound better than I am. You shouldâŚbe telling me to get betterâ He complained.
You laughed, âYouâre literally already perfect at itâ
âWhen you visit me, Iâll get you access to the studio. You can watch me record it in real timeâ He suggested.
The thought excites you, and you imagine watching him from the couch, through the observation window.
You imagine him coming out of the booth to take a break, all sweaty and exhausted, and he would put an arm around you.Â
Perhaps youâre influenced by far too many 80s movies. Still, you imagine excessively making out with him in the recording studio until his assistants have to physically pull you off each other.
Yeah, considering the industry heâs in, that could never happen.
Over the next few days, he also sends you videos from the dance studio, and all of your feelings for him build on top of each other, like a Jenga tower destined to fall. Every day that passes, a new block is added, and you donât know how lucky you had to be to bump into him in your life.
He dances just like he kisses, with purpose and intensity, a certain romance behind his moves, and you become guilty of obsessively rewatching the clips he sends you, finding new details every time.Â
He wears simple sweatpants to the studio, and he ties his hair up into a bun, and all you want is to be there to kiss his sweat away, and reward him after his long days of work.Â
It feels silly to fantasize about caring for him, like youâre a seventies housewife, but you canât help it. You want to massage the knots from his back, brush the tangles out of his hair, and kiss him between every dance practice.Â
You realise how much heâs taken over your life and thoughts, even when heâs miles away. You donât tell him all of this, but some days you canât help but blurt your thoughts out.
âYouâre messing with me every time you send me another videoâ You complain to him, âHow do you contain all of that talent in a singular body?â
He laughs, but he doesnât stop. He sends you selfies of him every day from the practice room, and heâs always glistening with sweat in them, throwing up a cheesy peace sign, and itâs your new favourite picture, until he sends you another the very next day.
You sit on your bedroom floor, fiddling with the strings of your hoodie as you talk to him, âWhatâs your schedule like right now?â
Heâs at the headquarters of a high-end international magazine, in the waiting room as he talks to you. You canât help but feel special that he takes out this time for you, âWell, I stay in the recording studio till late, and when Iâm homeâŚIâm trying to paint as much as I can before passing the fuck out. I just started a few days ago but it helps me destress. It gives me time to think about what happened in my day. Itâs soâŚcatharticâ
You smiled, so glad he found time to paint again, âAre you cheating on Aeraâs with that art shop in Hongdae?â
He laughed, âYeah. The cashierâs pretty cute here tooâ
You roll your eyes, âFunnyâŚI hope youâre still making time to eatâ
âYeah, Jisung is my self-appointed manager for the moment. Theyâre smothering me with loveâ
âWhat, he cooks for you?â
âGod no, heâd burn the dorm down. He just gets me my favourite takeout. Man, I missed takeout so much I didnât even realise. Thereâs a Thai place down the street, and Iâm basically surviving on itâ
You rolled your eyes, âYeah, Daejon isnât boujee enough for a Thai restaurantâ
He giggled, âI miss the hilltop bakery, although Chan introduced me to this cake shop. It opened just a month ago, itâs some European franchise but fuck if it isnât the best pastries Iâve hadâ
You laughed, âIt seems like youâre really enjoying yourselfâ
âYeah. Everythingâs really goodâ
âYeah?â You stretch your legs out on your bedroom floor, and as you talk to him, youâve been sketching in your notepad too, âHow are the boys?â
He falls quieter, âWellâŚJisung is still dealing with the fallout and backlash from that article. Did I ever tell you my company sued the media outlets who leaked the private information about him? All of his therapy notes and everything?â
âYeonjun told me that there was some court caseâ You admitted, heart feeling heavy, âHowâs that going?â
âItâs exhausting. Thereâs so many legal proceedings, but I have hope that Jisung will win the caseâ
You donât know too much about this works, âDo you have to testify too?â
âIf it comes to that, I will. Jisung wants me to stay out of that spotlight though. He says Iâve already been through enough with my hiatusâ
You nod, âThen thatâs probably for the bestâ
âI have to be careful though. The media seems to have a personal vendetta against us right nowâ
âGod. That must be scary. Just take care of yourselfâ
âI am. Donât worry. But the other day it was crazy, they surrounded our dorm and it made it impossible to leaveâ
Your eyes widen, âThat doesnât sound too safe. Canât the company do something?â
He nods, âOur managers take care of it, but not much else can be done. The area outside our dorm is a public space. Legally, anybody can hang out there, and nothing can stop them from waiting for usâ
You sighed, putting down your pencil, âYouâre a saint for going through all of this, for your jobâ
He let out a bitter laugh, âIt is my life, so Iâm kind of used to itâ
âThatâs crazyâ You mumble.
He nodded, âHold on. Theyâre calling me in for the fitting nowâ
Your eyes widened, the prospect of him dressed up exciting you already, âDid they already show you the outfits you have to wear?â
He hummed, âThey told me the theme too. Youâll love it.â
âTell meâ
He laughed, âI gotta goâ
âWait, what?â You protest, but he hangs up before telling you.
The pictures arrived at an unassuming time, catching you off guard.
Hyunjin had sent you ten different photos. Youâd been wondering what the theme could have been for the past few hours, but it became very obvious as you scrolled through them all.
2000s fashion.Â
Of fucking course.
In the first photo that you see, he was in a cropped jacket, the fabric shimmering under the changing room lights. His phone was held in front of his face, hiding his features and his hair was pushed back by a hairband. He still managed to make it look so sexy.
You stopped everything you were doing, scrolling through the myriad of pictures and outfits heâd bombarded you with.
The denim jeans fit snugly on his hips, patchwork across the thighs.Â
You scrolled to the last one, and the jacket was unzipped. You realised why heâd said you would love it. He revealed a cropped baby blue t-shirt, with rhinestones across the hem. The shirt rose enough to show his bellybutton piercing and clenched abs.
You held your breath, staring at the pictures. A thin choker adorned his neck too, and he was slightly smirking in the picture.
He wanted you dead.
you:
wow.
hyun
is that all?
the photoshoot just ended so im going back
you:
i donât really know what else to say
you look really fucking hotâŚlike youâre so gorgeous in that
the outfit isâŚperfect on you
but i canât imagine you ever wearing it here
itâs not your style, right?
hyun:
hahaÂ
you know me so well
i really hate crop tops lol
but âŚ
you
but?
hyun
i know you too :)
so i took a picture just for you
He sent it to you, making your heart stop.
In it, he was sat on the fitting room bench, legs spread. But this timeâŚthe rhinestone choker wasnât around his neck anymore.
It was held between his teeth.Â
It was so fucking sexy, you sat up in bed, staring at it, a feeling shooting through your body. You have to remind yourself how to breathe. You donât reply for a few minutes, and he texts you again.
hyun
what, you have nothing to say now?
Heâs so fucking cocky, but it makes you dizzy.
you
i hate you for that picture
hyunÂ
haha
i knew youâd love itÂ
ââââ-
The next few days were a blur, and you felt a frenzied mess, like you were falling in love with him all over again.Â
Hyunjin in Daejon wasâŚa sweetheart, but Hyunjin in SeoulâŚwas a fucking menace.Â
You donât know what it was that changed.
Heâd tease you more often, exuding a calm confidence that tortured you at nights.Â
Even though you couldnât talk to him as often, the moments that you did were special. Heâd send you pictures, snippets of his day, voice messages about how the album was going or random things the boys did at the dorm.
You lived through him.
In turn, you sent him parts of your life.
The way the sunset set perfectly against the Creek, the exorbitantly rich guests at the Château that were dressed to the nines, the sketches you drew and left unfinished but still sent him.
You found out through Seungmin that Hyunjin had donated all of his leftover paints to The Château, which were worth hundreds of dollars, just so they wouldnât go to waste while he was away. You were once again, struck by how kind he was to have thought of that.
On mundane nights, heâd send you audio recordings of their unreleased songs, pictures from the studio of him, headphones slung around his neck, tired and weary eyes.
You tried to keep each other updated, not that there was much happening in your life at the moment. Still, youâd send him pictures of you with Yeonjun, of the store, of his favourite order at the diner.Â
Every notification, every ping on your phone would send lightning through your veins, knowing it was him on the other end.Â
In the days that followed, you heard his voice less, and instead read about his day in wrapped-up summary text messages, paragraphs that flowed for hours, leaving you to scroll through your phone. Youâd make it a habit to sit in your favourite booth in the diner, as your paper straw turned soggy in the milkshake, youâd type out every single one of your thoughts.Â
Vicariously, he lived through it too.
Your texts with him flowed like a personal diary, a newsletter on all the gossip in Daejon. You told him about the time you bumped into Hana at the diner, and she smiled at you, and you didnât know what to do.
Somehow, he feels guilty for the rift between you and her, but you tell him itâs not his fault. If your friendship could be broken up by just a boy, it clearly wasnât strong enough.
But then the next time you see her at the diner, she comes and sits across you.
Youâre so shocked that you can barely process it, and she seems unsure too.
âIs there something wrong?â You asked her.
âDoes something have to be wrong for me to talk to you?â She replied.
You shrugged, âConsidering the last time we spokeââ
âI heard Hyunjin left town. Are you okay?â
You frown, feeling defensive, âYeah. Why wouldnât I be?â
âYou two were closeâ She stated, obviously, âEverybody in town knows thatâ
Maybe itâs your closeness with Hyunjin that makes you feel brave.
You want to say something mean.Â
You want to say something honest.Â
Everybody in town also thinks he cheated on her with you, after everything she said at the Lakehouse party.Â
After she yelled at you in front of everyone.
But youâre past that, so you donât say it.
âI donât really care what everybody in town thinksâ
Itâs tamer than what you had in mind, but it has the same intended effect.
Her eyebrows shoot up, and sheâs clearly not expecting that response.
âThat doesnât sound like youâ She finally said.
âYeah, well maybe you donât know who I am anymore. You havenât talked to me in monthsâ
âIâm sorry. Yeonjun coming back to town threw me off the loop. You know I never got over himâ
âThat doesnât mean you can just take it out on me. I told you that night thatâŚthat I got rejected from an apprenticeship Iâve always wanted. You didnât even ask me about thatâ
She sighed, running her hands through her hair, âIâm sorry, okay? I donât really know what you want me to say. Iâm not gonna apologise for being upsetâ
âThatâs not what Iâm asking you to do, HanaâÂ
âThen what are even saying? Itâs been weeks since that fight. I thought youâd moved on from itâ
You stare at her. The innocence in her big eyes, the curls in her hair, the princess corset top she had on. It doesnât affect you anymore. You used to get so hurt by the things she said. So personally offended. You want to confront her, and tell her about it. You want her to know that she hurt you, but youâre so sick of drama, and of confrontations.
Right now, you feel past it.Â
The past few months and all of the things she said still hurt you, and maybe one day you can make things up with her. You just donât think that day is today.
So you stood up, and she stared at you, confused.
Grabbing your bag and sketchbook, you mumbled, âYouâre right, Hana. I have moved on from thisâ
ââââ-
One day, Hyunjin sends you a new painting he worked on.
Itâs a vase of flowers. Dahlia. Â
Itâs rendered beautifully. The shadows, the texture of the petals, and the lighting on the glass.
âWhen do you even get the time?â As soon as he called you, you asked him, âYouâre getting so much better, Hyunjin. Iâm serious, like the art you made hereâŚthis is already on another level from thatâ
He smiled, âAre you proud of me?â
âOf courseâ
âCan you tell me how I can get better?â
You donât feel too worthy of sharing your knowledge, and you tell him that. After all, youâre not an expert or anything.Â
He shuts you down instantly.
âYouâve been painting since before you could talkâ He replied, âI want your opinion, Y/Nâ
You sighed, staring at the picture, âI think your shadows are getting better. Have you tried using a wider brush for the water, with thick bristles? I think the ripples will blend much easierâ
âReally?â He asked, âI think right now, it looks too fake somehowâ
âYeah, but I think thatâs because youâve drawn out every wave and the lines are too sharp. Try blending the edges so it fades naturally, okay?â
âOkay, Iâm gonna try that this weekendâ
âIâm really glad you make time to paint, Hyunjinâ
He laughed, âItâs a necessity. I lose myself in it, and itâs just me and the canvas for all those hours. Nothing else mattersâ
âSounds familiarâ You smiled, âMaybe one day, if you have time, we can paint on video call togetherâ
And then he called you that very weekend.
The computer screen illuminated your face and his, as you painted in the dead of the night. You were set up in your bedroom, an assortment of paintbrushes and watercolours surrounding you. You painted with your fingers, often getting distracted by Hyunjin across the screen.Â
His space was cleaner, more organised because he had less space to work with. A bag of chips lay at your side and you pushed your hand into it, lazily munching on it as you watched him frown over a color choice.Â
âI think youâre going to love the song Iâm working on with Chanâ He said, after a while.
âYeah?âÂ
âItâsâŚa sexy, contemporary kind of R&B. I can imagine you liking itâ
You only have one, predictable question, âWhen can I hear it?âÂ
He laughed, âWeâre still writing itâ
You hummed, focusing on blending the ocean in your canvas, dabbing at your canvas to experiment with a new style. You savour the moments, because he hardly has this time.
âCan I say something cheesy?â He asked, and you look up to see that heâs sipping on some drink. A fancy cocktail that Chan probably made him. In the back, you can see his bed, and his things, and you wish you can see his room in Seoul.Â
You want to know what he decorates it with, and what clutter he has there.
âYeah?â
The way heâs leaning over his webcam, you can see into his shirt. The navy button-up is loose, and the top few buttons are undone. The sleeves are rolled up, which was probably a good decision since his arms are stained with pink paint. His hands are busier too, with more rings and more bracelets on them.
Hyunjinâs more boujee in the city too.
His cheeks are suddenly red as he confesses, âWhen I get stuck in the middle of the writing process, I think of you, and it really helpsâ
You sat up on your knees, cherishing this new bit of information, âWhat do you think about?â
He flushed, âYou knowâŚjust our time together. Chan teases me about it. He says youâre my muse or whateverâ
He doesnât say much more, but heâs so shy so you donât ask. You donât react as much as you want to either. You want to jump, or scream, or kick your feet giggling.Â
Itâs a moment you etch into your brain forever.
Youâre his muse, and itâs fitting because heâs always been yours.
As the hour passed, your focus grew, and you almost forgot he was on the other side. Almost.
Hyunjin is focused too, and heâs humming a familiar tune. The call lasts for over two hours, and itâs the most youâve talked to him recently.Â
When youâre both done, you show him your canvas; he shows you his, and you marvel at his improvement. Heâs painted a beautiful lighthouse, ocean waves crashing into the rocks, and he explained every color choice to you.Â
You could hear him talk about his art forever, and you sit in awe, as he expressed his reasoning behind every aspect. Heâs gotten so much better at art, and heâs really a prodigy.Â
You then do the same, lifting your canvas up to show him the landscape, and he leans in really close to the camera, eyes wide as he takes it in.
âThatâs beautifulâ He mumbles, still staring at your painting, âI donât know how you do it so well every timeâ
You smiled, because art was your favourite thing in the world, and Hyunjin complimenting it made your heart swell.
He was suddenly smiling, and he said, âIâŚalso visited an art gallery last week. I met someoneâÂ
Your eyebrows shot up, and your smile fell so fast.
People only said that in one specific context. When they were into someone.
âYou met someone?â
âYeahâ Hyunjin smiled, âSheâsâŚthis prodigy. Chan introduced me to her, sheâs so young and sheâs actually the owner of the entire place and guess what she said to me?â
You didnât want to know.
âI donât knowâ You replied, hoping your indifference wasnât visible.
âShe said one day I could display my own work up there. Isnât that fucking insane? I mean, I just started out with artâ
âHow does she know your work?âÂ
He didnât comment on your lack of excitement, but he just said, âOh, Chan showed it to her. I was embarrassed, but it was worth itâ
âThatâs really nice of herâÂ
He nodded, âYeah. She was really sweet. And oh! The reason Iâm telling you this was because she used to intern for Kim Jieong, maybe she can help you out with the--â
âNo, itâs okayâ Youâre quick to interrupt.
He then asked why you havenât applied to another apprenticeship again.Â
You put aside your paint supplies, youâd lost motivation anyway. You dragged your laptop onto your bed, as you told him, âI told you. Iâm not really confident, and Iâm not looking forward to another rejectionâ
He stopped you before you can continue, âYouâve got nothing to lose then. Please, at least try. For meâ
Heâs sleepy, and his eyes kept closing, but he stayed up just to convince you.
You sighed, âFine. Iâll apply, but donât expect anything, please. Youâll be disappointedâ
âYou could never disappoint meâÂ
ââââ-
Your days unfolded with a slow pace, summer fading away into the months of autumn.Â
You found solace in your friends â in movie nights with Minho, in spending time with Yeonjun before he had to go back to work. After all, there was only so long he could be on vacation for. He had to go back to where he belonged.Â
It was easier to not miss Hyunjin when you were occupied, busy with your endless shifts, navigating between finding time to paint but also to enjoy the leftovers of summer.Â
The night they finished recording the album, Hyunjin called you drunk.
Youâd seen him tipsy on a few occasions, but never like this.
He was laughing about something when you picked up, talking to other people at the party. The background was loud, and you struggle to hear anything.Â
âHyun?âÂ
âGuess what?â He asked you.
âWhat?â
âWe finished the album. Like, for real. Every track is actually readyâ He announced, and you hear a cacophony of sounds in the background, âWeâre at my managerâs apartment, all of us, and the whole crew. It feels so fucking goodâ
âCongratulationsâ You smile, âThatâsâŚreally coolâ
âJisung made me drinkâŚfar too muchâ He giggled, âI liked the wine though, Chan found it in this cool store but then me and BinnieâŚwe did body shots, and guess what? Chan fucking did body shots too! It was so insane. He also invited the girl from the art gallery, which is so funny. Apparently, she has connections in our industry too. Sheâs the daughter of --âÂ
âWait, you did body shots?â You interrupted him, not really wanting to hear about the very successful artist prodigy girl in his life.
âIt was insane. Just like Seungmin told usâ
You could tell he was walking around the room, because heâd randomly trail off and talk to someone.
The more he rambled on the other side of the phone, the more you wished you were by his side. He must be standing near the speakers, because suddenly his voice would get drowned out by the music.
âIâŚcanât hear you, Hyunâ You spoke, snuggling into your blanket.Â
Your bed was the stark contrast of where he was right now; in a room full of pounding music, and you wondered what kind of parties they even had, or how wild they were. If they did body shots, they must already be pretty wild.
âSorryâ He apologised, walking off to a quieter area, âCan you hear me now?â
âYeah, I canâ
âFuck. I miss you so fucking muchâ He suddenly mumbled, voice dropping, âWhy arenât you here?â
âI miss you tooâ Your heart squeezed, âBut you should get back to the partyââ
âWhoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Y/N?â A loud voice interrupted, and you heard a loud struggle on the other end, making you pull back from the phone.
âGive me the phone back, Changbin!â Hyunjin yelled.
You sat up in bed, âHello?â
âHey!â Changbinâs voice was louder than you expected, and he sounded really drunk too, âYou must be the girl who stole him away from us for months and months. I have every reason to hate youâ
âStop!â Hyunjin spoke in the background, âDonât announce it to the entire partyâ
âNow youâve taken him back thoughâ You replied to Changbin.
âEh, youâre rightâ He laughed, âSo tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10ââ
âChangbin, give me my phone back!â Hyunjin sounded exasperated, and you could imagine them running after each other.
âLet me finish!â He groaned, and then his voice became clearer again, âOn a scale of 1-10, how big of a dumbass is Hwang Hyunjin forâ?â
âFuck. Is that her?â Another person interrupted in the background, and you felt overwhelmed by the multitude of voices.Â
âJisung, can you please ask him to give me my phone back?â Hyunjin sounded annoyed now, voice further.
âIâm sorry, this prick wonât let me talk to you for five whole minutes!â Changbin apologised, and youâd never met him but his energy seemed exactly like youâd imagined.
Still, you could hear Jisung in the background, struggling after the phone, and it made you feel special. They were miles away at a fucking album party, but gave their attention to you.
âIs that Hyunjinâs girlfriend?â
Your eyes widened at the word.
Hyunjinâs frustrated drawl interrupted, further away from the speaker but you still heard it, âStop, Jisung. Sheâs just my friend. How many times do I have to say that, and donât announce it to the party!â
Your smile faded, stupidly. He was right.Â
âThen I can have her?â Changbin interrupted.
There was another scuffle, until Hyunjin was at the phone again, âHey, Iâm so sorry. TheyâŚtook you hostageâ
A breathy chuckle followed, drowned out by his friends laughs in the background.
âThatâs okay. Donât worry about itâ You fiddled with your blanket, âYou should enjoy the party, Hyunâ
âNo, no, I called you because I missed youâ
âI canât really even hear youâ You spoke, âWe can just talk tomorrow. Please just have a good time tonight, okay?â
âAll right. Iâll call you laterâ Hyunjin spoke, like he was distracted by someone.
âWho are you talking to you?â An unknown voice interrupted, and you guessed they were probably talking to Hyunjin.
And you heard Hyunjin mumble, âNobodyâ before he hung up.
You laid back in bed, and it was too quiet, and you felt lonelier than ever.
ââââ-
Fallen leaves drifted in the pool, from the canopy up above. One drifts towards you, and you picked it up in your hands, watching the water seep through the half-eaten leaf. Itâs orange.
âThe leaves are already changing colorâŚor is it just me?â
âItâs just youâ Minho answered, and you roll your eyes.
âWhat are you doing here all by yourself?â He asked, swimming over to you, âThe rest of the party is over thereâ
âIâm not really interested in playingâ You told him, looking over to where everyone indulged in a pool volleyball game.
âSo youâre out here looking at leaves. God, Iâm lucky to be your best friendâ
âShut upâ You shove him, and he laughs, falling into the water.
As soon as he resurfaces, he splashes you.
âDonât be annoying, Minhoâ You mumbled, rubbing the saltwater out from your eyes.
âYouâre no funâ He grumbles, and lays on his back to float in the water.
You stare at the leaves floating around you again, drifting into a pattern, and a sole flower is in between them. A dahlia.
âCanât believe summer is almost overâ You remark.
âYou sure made the most of it though, Y/Nâ He smiled, eyes squinting against the bright overhead sun. You donât respond, and he lifts his head to look at you.
âWhat?â He asked, âYou canât deny that itâs the most eventful summer weâve ever hadâ
You peered down at your nails, the paint was chipping off, âRight. Losing my best friends sure is memorableâ
âYou didnât lose them, Y/Nâ
You gestured to the space around you, that usually would be occupied by Hana or Felix, âI donât see them hereâ
Minho sighed, swimming closer to you, âWhatâs got you in such a mood?â
You shook your head, feeling silly for feeling this way, âNothingâÂ
He rolled his eyes, âTell meâ
You sighed, fixing the straps of your bikini to avoid looking him in the eye, âHana tried to talk to me a few days ago. She wanted to fix things, but I didnât. Does that make me a horrible person?â
âDo you feel like a horrible person?â
You looked up at him, âNo. IâŚchose my peace over another fight. I think I made the right decisionâ
âYou knew the answer to that already, Y/N. Then what is bothering you?â
âFine. Hyunjin called me last night, from the release partyâÂ
âAnd thatâs a bad thingâŚwhy?â
âNot really, I guess it put things into perspective. HeâsâŚout there being successful and celebrating that success, and Iâm here, doing absolutely nothing.â
âYouâre at a pool party with me. Thatâs not nothingâ
âYou know what I meanâ You sighed, leaning against the pool wall, âHeâs probably even going to display his stuff at an art gallery soon. Some girl fell in love with his artâŚand heâs always busyâŚin a totally insane location, or doing something so fucking cool, and Iâm in the stupid art shopâ
His texts have been less than frequent. You understand, because heâs swamped with work. The press tour has been underway for a week now, and if he wasnât at some fancy magazine building, he was probably holed up in the studio for re-recordings. Thereâs still time till the album's release, and if you know anything about the band, theyâre perfectionists. Theyâll work themselves to the bone, till the end.
âWell, yeah. HeâsâŚan idol, with a crazy fucking life. Youâre living a normal life. He would probably give everything to exchange places with you, and not have anything to doâ
âI guess youâre rightâ You realised, and you glance up to see Yeonjun.
Heâs laughing loudly, sunglasses on his head, as he throws the ball to the other team. Heâs leaving soon, and this pool party is a going away gift. After all, heâs the only one of your friends with a pool. Yeonjun looks happy, and beautiful in the sun. It was low-key, exactly like Yeonjun wanted it, and youâre so glad Minho and him are on talking terms again.
âAnd I donât believe you. Thatâs not why youâre upsetâ Minho spoke, blocking the boy from your view.
âWhy canât you just take my word for it?â
âBecause I know when youâre lying to me. So tell me, whatâs got you being so bitchy to your only friend within 35 miles?â
âOuch!â He yelled, when you pushed him again.
âStop being a smartassâ
âYouâve been floating on cloud nine the past few weeks, whatâs wrong now?â
You stare back at Yeonjun, as he dives to retrieve his sunglasses, and his other friends are teasing him.
âI never told you but I applied to an apprenticeship in the cityâ You blurted.
Minhoâs eyebrows shot up, âWhat? Today?â
âNoâŚa few months ago. At the start of summerâÂ
His brows were furrowed, confused, âOhâ
âThatâs kind of why Iâve been working all these jobsâŚso I could save up one day and move to the cityâ
He swam closer to you, âWhy are you telling me this now?â
You shrugged, and the water feels nice and calm around you, âI thought youâd hate me for itâ
Heâs quiet for a few minutes, âThatâs not true. Iâd like to think Iâve grown from when Yeonjun left. I mean Iâm at his party right now. Isnât that saying a lot?â
You smiled at him, âThatâs probably why Iâm telling you nowâ
Minho laughed, âSo did you get it?â
âNopeâ You sighed, âI wasnât good enough for itâ
âWhat, so youâve given up already?â
You frowned, âNo, but Iâm still waiting on them to hear back. I contacted them again regarding my applicationâ
Minho smiled, âHyunjin knows, right?â
âYeahâ
âOf course he knows. You tell him literally everything. Iâm gonna have to fight him one dayâ
You laughed, âIâd pay to see thatâ
He reaches forward, picking out a leaf stuck in your hair, âYou really miss him, huh?â
âI hate texting him. Itâs so impersonal and distantâ
âHave you video-called him?â
You sighed, âThrough my shitty computer screen, yeahâ
âI think you need a vacation, Y/Nâ He laughs.
âIâve been on vacation, like for monthsâ
âNo, I mean a vacation, away from your job, away from Daejon. Just go see himâ
Your eyes widen and you looked at him, âIsnât that a bit crazy? I mean, weâre not datingâ
He rolled his eyes, leaning back in to float, âThe day you stop worrying about what other people think, is the day youâll live a much better life, Y/Nâ
He then begins talking about other things, but his words stick in your head, and an idea begins to form.
ââââ-
You help Yeonjun pack, and on his last night in town, you sit on his couch again, talking about everything that was. He tells you of his consistent fights with Hana, and his efforts to rekindle their relationship which went in vain. Itâs strange to think he came back to town, just to make things right with her.
He tells you that him and Hana have grown apart, and perhaps they were never meant to be together.Â
He says that heâs letting Hana go, and itâs a bittersweet moment which you drink to.Â
You think nothing could make you let go of Hyunjin.
When you get really tipsy, you fantasise of him even more, and scroll back through your chats, reading his old texts, smiling to yourself. Yeonjun catches you, and calls you a hopeless romantic, and youâve never thought of yourself that way, but it rings true.Â
You both lay in bed, and you talk until he has to go, and you realise how much you hate goodbyes.
ââââ-
The next time Hyunjin texted you, you were sat at the steps of the art shop, waiting for the rain to pass.Â
hyun
hey
sorry ive been filming all day
you
ohh, what have you been filming?
didnât the album recording finish last week?
hyun
ah no the press tour is still leftÂ
you
oh right, sorry I have no idea how this stuff works lol
hyun
right now weâre doing some promo content for a teen magazineÂ
after this we still need to go to a music video shoot
Itâs for an american talk show
isnât that crazy?
you
wowâŚ
youâre going to be so popular
but i hope you can get some sleep
hyun
weâre filming till 4 am tonight
i doubt it
what are you up to?
you
um im stuck at aeras because of the rain :/
i always forget to carry an umbrella
hyun
you miss me?
You stared at the text, tears inexplicably filling your eyes, and you donât know why.
It had only been a few weeks since he was gone, yet it felt like he was drifting away.
Of course you missed him.
You missed him an insane amount, and ever since heâd been gone, youâd been going through the motions of daily life, not even really enjoying anything.
He was so far away.Â
Youâd tried to not let the sadness overtake you, because it was silly and childish.
You missed his calming voice, and his hand in yours, and the taut string of tension between you every time you met.
You missed the uncertainty of Hyunjin.
The not-knowing.
With him, you could never tell. It could be a mundane afternoon, until it wasnât. Until his hands were around you, and you were kissing, and you knew it was so wrong to be attached to that.
Your phone buzzed, and he was calling you, snapping you out of your thoughts.
âHeyâ You mumbled, your voice softer and shakier than you intended.
âIs everything okayâŚ?â
âYeahâ You swallowed, âSorry, I was just about to replyâ
âNo, donât worry. I just got worried. I thoughtââ He trailed off.
âWhat did you think?â
âI thought I crossed a boundaryâŚor somethingâ
You paused, trying to comprehend his words. All heâd done was ask you if you missed him. How could that be a boundary when you and Hyunjin had said so much more? Done so much more?Â
Was missing each other not even okay anymore? Was it too much for him?
Another sob threatened to break at the implication.
âY/N? Are you still there?â He asked, voice soft and calm, not knowing the storm it brewed inside you.
You mumbled, âYes, Iâm hereâ
âOkayâ He spoke, letting you breathe.
âIâm sorry, I justâŚI guess I miss you more than I thought I wouldâ You admitted, hoping it wouldnât be too much for him. That it wouldnât push him away.
âOhâÂ
âYeahâ
âIâŚmiss you too, Y/NâÂ
It calmed your racing heart.
âI wish I could see youâ You fumbled through the words, âItâd make me feel so muchâŚbetterâ
Hyunjin was quiet for a while, âIâm sorryâ
âItâsâŚnot your faultâ A smile graced your lips, because he had no reason to apologise for your lives being so separate from each other.
âIt is. Iâm sorry Iâve been awayâŚI got really caught up with everything here. Seeing my friends again, having this life back, it was more overwhelming than I thought. But donât worryâŚIâm doing really well hereâ
âYeah?â
âIâve been painting a lot more when Iâm free, or when Iâve had a horrible dayâ
Your heart clenched at his tone, and the implication that it was only a few weeks since he was gone but heâd already had multiple horrible days.Â
âYeah? Iâm glad it helps. That meansâŚcoming home wasnât a wasteâ
âA waste?â He repeated, confused, âWhy would you say that?â
You pulled at your laces, watching the rain fall at your footsteps, âNothing, Hyunjin. It doesnât matterâ
âYou seemâŚupset. Did I say something wrong?â
You pulled your knees up to your chest, away from the pitter patter of the drops, âI told you. I really wish you were here. I know itâs impossibleâ
âYeahâŚâ
âThis morning, I was watching the newsâŚabout Jisungâs trial. Howâs it going?â
âItâsâŚokay. Heâs so tired already, he kind of just wants to settle but the company lawyers are pushing for moreâ
âIâm sorry. That sounds so exhaustingâ You bite your lip, because their lives are already as stressful as they could get, and this legal battle plays in the backdrop like a nuisance.
âTheyâre also restricting a lot of shit for us. We have to be careful each time we step out in public, and Jisung even has to monitor every phone callâŚsame with Chan and Kairiâ
âHow long is it going to last?â
âHopefully not too long, but anyway, thatâs not important right now at all. You sound upset. How are you?â He asks, voice becoming softer all of a sudden.
You fear youâre going to sound like a broken record if you tell him you miss him again. These days you seem to fill all your silences with just those words. Would he get sick of hearing them? Is this how long distance relationships are like? Endlessly telling each other you miss them, but never being able to do anything about it.
Instead, you end up saying something absolutely crazy, âHyun, can I come see you?â
You donât intend for the words to leave your brain, much less your mouth. In fact, you didnât even know you were going to say them. You havenât had time to plan, but Minhoâs conversation rings through you. Youâve been saving up to go to Seoul your whole life. You can spare a vacation. It would be worth it if it means you see him.
Hyunjin is quiet, and then he breaks the silence with a chuckle, âW-what?â
âUm, sorry that sounds out of nowhere. I justâŚI really want to meet you. I miss you, and it sounds like youâre going through a lot. Maybe itâll helpâ You trail off, leaving the suggestion up in the air.
âIâŚIâm not sure, Y/Nâ
You nod, because it is crazy, âYeah?â
âYeah. Fuck, Iâm so sorry but IâŚI donât think I can meet you. Right now, with everything thatâs going on, I honestly donât have the time andâŚâ He trails off.
You nod again, âYeah. I understandâ
âIâm sorryâ
âItâs okay. Itâs bad timingâ
âItâs bad timingâ He repeats, yet his tone is definitive and final.
You canât seem to see a time in the future which would get better. After the album release, he was going to go on a press tour, and then start preparing for the next album, the music videos, the solo photoshootsâŚthe world tour.
Hyunjin was never going to have time for this, and your throat becomes clogged with a broken dream.
He sighed, softly, âHow are you going to get home then, if itâs raining?â
âIâll wait it outâ
âWhat if it rains till morning?â
You smiled, your silence saying enough.
âIâll stay with youâ He says.
Your brows shot up, âWhat? Donât you haveâŚa schedule or an interview to get to?â
His voice came in softly, âIt doesnât matter. Iâll stay with you, till the rain endsâ
Now, you wished it would never end.
ââââ-
The incessant abuse of your doorbell woke you up. It had been pressed countless times, and it was half past nine.Â
Why the hell would anybody come to see you this early?
Last night, Hyunjin had stayed on the call as youâd walked home by yourself. You didnât talk the whole way, of course. In between, he would be quiet, and youâd only hear the rustling of papers and his pencil as he sketched away in his condominium. Youâd hear his breaths, and occasionally, heâd say something.Â
In moments like this, he was a man of few words. You appreciated that, because it was nice, to just exist with him. Although, you were slightly embarrassed at how many times you told him you missed him.
Turning over in your bed, you pushed the pillow over your head to make the noise disappear.Â
A buzzing of your phone, followed by another short bursts of the doorbell made you sit up.
Who could be here to see you, so urgently, and so fucking impatiently?
âWhat the hellâ You mumbled, getting out of bed, and rushing barefoot on the cold tiles, to answer, and in your sleepy daze you hoped it was him. That by some miracle, Hyunjin had heard your wishes and come to see you.
On the other side of the door, with bagels in hand, stood Felix.Â
A hood pulled over his head to protect from the rain, he certainly looked a vision.Â
Your sleep disappeared, in lieu of confusion, âYongbok?â
He smiled, perfect teeth on display, âMorning. IâŚsee that you were still asleepâ
You hugged yourself, realising how exposed you were in your sleep shorts and tank. Although that had never been a problem around him before, âI mean yeahâŚitâs barely tenâ
He cocked his head, âItâs almost noonâ
âWhat?â Your heart dropped, âYouâre kidding meâ
âIâm really notâ He laughed, and then said, âAre you going to let me in? Itâs freezing out hereâ
You realised he was standing in the pouring rain, and you stepped back, âOh, of courseâ
You still didnât know what he was doing here, but years of friendship fell back into place and you let him in.
He pulled the hood off, shaking his hair to get the water out, and looked apologetic, âSorry, I just showed up. I did try texting you, and I thought youâd be awakeâ
âI got in late last nightâ You told him, still standing against your open door, watching Felix in your foyer.
âOh, were you stuck because of the rain? You could have called me, Iâd have come picked you upâÂ
âNo, thatâs okay. I was on a callâ
Realisation crossed his features, âRight. How is he?â
Slight irritation coursed through you, âI didnât say it was himâ
Felix nodded, looking genuinely apologetic, âSorry. My mistake.â
But of course, he was right because it was Hyunjin you were talking to, but you wouldnât admit that now, and you held back a groan.Â
His eyes flickered over your body, âWhy are you still standing at the door? Youâll catch a coldâ
âWhat are you doing here?â You hugged yourself tighter, well-aware that you didnât even have a bra on, âThe last time I saw you, you said you didnât want to be friends with me anymoreâ
His eyebrows shot up, and he stared at you.
For a second, you did regret it. It was too early to fight. It was too beautiful a morning for this.
Until he laughed, nervously, âUmâŚthatâs not what I meant. Is that what you got from it?â
You frowned, âWhat?â
He shook his head, âUm, I guess I really didnât get the point across. I thought you understood me that night. Isnât that why youâre avoiding me?â
Your head hurt, âIâm not avoiding youâŚYouâre confusing me, Felix. Itâs too early for thisâ
âIâm sorry, youâre right. Hey, look, why donât you get dressed, and take a shower, and I can make us some coffeeâŚand heat up these bagels by then? After that, maybe we could talk?â
âTalk about what?â
You couldnât understand him.
âAbout everything. I realise Iâve been apologising for my actions, but never really explaining why I acted that way this whole timeâ
But he had been your friend your entire lifeâŚso you would hear him out now.
ââââ-
He sat at your breakfast table, warm bagels laid out across a plate, with two hot cups of coffee.
You sat across him, pulling your feet up, eyeing his movements.
It wasnât alien to youâŚthis kindness of his. He had done this countless times before, showed up at your house uninvited, but this time was different, of course.
âI really am sorry for waking you up. I genuinely thought youâd be awake, I thought you had a shift at Aeraâsâ
âI havenât had a shift at Aeraâs on Tuesday, everâ You responded.
âOhâ He laughed, âMaybe I should have memorised your work schedule back when you started working thereâŚI guess I always assumed it was a temporary jobâ
You bit into a bagel, unable to hold back your hunger, and it instantly melted in your mouth. A rush of endorphins flooded through you, and you sat back for a minute, letting the taste sit with you, letting your body wake up.
Felix watched you, a soft smile on his face, âYou like them?â
âYou didnât have to bake these for meâ You spoke, staring at your feet, perched on the chair.
âBut I didâ He reached his hand out, across the table, âHow are you doing?â
You glanced up at him, âIâmâŚfineâ
He frowned, âYour eyes are all swollen. I know what that meansâ
You pulled your hand back from his, âItâs nothing. Iâm just tired of summerâ
He sat back, eyebrows raised, âThose are words I never thought Iâd hear from youâ
âWellâŚyou wonât really understand, Lixâ
He slid the cup of coffee towards you, âTry meâÂ
You stared at him, eyes flickering between his, and then reached forward for the cup, âI donât know. I feel tired of everything lately. I donât really want to make an effort to go out. I go to work, and back, and so on. Itâs kind of a futile existenceâ
âI go to the Creek every night. You can come with meâ
You hugged yourself, âYeah, but I just feel like thereâs more I should be doingâ
His tongue poked his cheek, âYou meanâŚthat art apprenticeshipâÂ
You glanced up at him, heart heavy, âI lost thatâ
âIâm sorry. You could have told me, you know?â
Youâve been hearing that a lot recently, but you know keeping it a secret was the only way it could have worked. He said he would have understood, but you knew him better than that.
âI was afraid of losing you, butâŚâ You laughed, âThat happened anywayâ
He shook his head, pulling his chair closer to yours, âAt the drive-in theatre, when I said I didnât want us to be friends againâŚI didnât mean it like that. There was more I wanted to say, which I couldnâtâ
âWow, youâre really getting right to itâ
He laughed, âWhat? So, would you prefer we talk about nonsense for another hour? I know why Iâm here, Iâd feel better if you know tooâ
You werenât sure you wanted to hear this, but you nodded, âKeep goingâ
âI guess what I wanted to say wasâŚâ He paused, and when your eyes met his, you realised he was actually nervous.
âYeah?â
His eyes squeezed shut, and then opened, âI was really fucking jealousâ
âOfâŚwhat?â
He laughed, a sound youâd loved all these years, âOfâŚHyunjin. Obviously. Who else?â
âFelixâŚwe talked about this. You have nothing to be jealous about. Just because heâs in my life now, does not mean you canât beâ
He laughed, âNo, thatâs not what Iâm jealous of. I donât really care if heâs in your lifeâ
âThen what?âÂ
He sighed, leaning forward, and this angle put him in the path of sunlight. It lit up his face, highlighting the freckles splashed across his nose bridge, and his cheeks, and you saw his lips part to form the words, âYou love him.â
Confusion arising, you frowned, âFelixââ
âLet me finishâ He laughed, âItâsâŚbeen obvious for monthsâ
You were embarrassed, to say the least.
He tilt his head, âHas it not been obvious to you?âÂ
Your face flushed, from the frustration and the embarrassment, âWhat, my feelings for him?â
âNo. My feelings for you"
He said it so simply.
So fucking simple, and you couldnât even react.
You sat there, looking at him.
Putting together his words in your mind. Again. And Again.
You misheard him. You had to.
âYongbokâ
âIt is what you think it isâ He paused, âI really thought that you knewâ
âYouâŚâ A nervous laugh escaped you, and it wasnât your proudest moment, âYou have feelings for me? Youâre fucking with me, right?â
You wanted to ask why. But you didnât.
âSince when?â
âI donât knowâ He leaned back, âIâŚdidnât really realise it until, well, this summerâ
âOhâ
âYeahâ He swallowed, âBut I know that you donât feel the same, and I was acting stupid. It was dumb of meâ
You stared at him and donât know how you didnât realise this. How did you not put two and two together? You felt so fucking dumb for missing all the hints, and all the clues.Â
âYongbok. IâŚum, I donât know what to say. Sorry, Iâm justâŚoverwhelmed and confusedâ
"You donât have to say anythingâ He laughed, âYouâre likeâŚmy best friend in the fucking universe. I know that doesnât sound like much, because I mean, weâre twenty and best friends makes it sound like weâre in elementary, but itâs true. Youâre literally the most consistent person in my life, and Iâm always fucking happy around you. Not just happy, but at peace. Iâm happy with Hana, and Minho, and Eunbi too, but with you, itâs like Iâm home.â
You couldnât look him in the eye, âFelixâŚâ
âIâm sorry for all the times I yelled at you. Iâm fucking terrible at holding back my frustration, and I was still navigating myâŚemotions. I could lie and say I never meant to hurt you when we had all those arguments, but I did. I did want you to feel the kind of hurt I did. Thatâs probably the biggest red flagâ He laughed, âBut holy shit, Y/N, you have no idea what it took for me to tell you this. With him being here, I just couldnât because thatâs so fucking cliche, itâd be like I was asking you to chooseâ
You stared at him, uncomfortable, unable to comprehend the extent of his words, âYou should have told meâ
âIâm telling you now. I know itâs awkward for you, but I have nothing to loseâ He chuckled, âIâm not asking you out, or anything. I just want you to know because it was driving me crazy keeping it to myself. In fact, I was never planning to tell you, but the night of my birthday party, during that stupid spin the bottle game, when we kissed, I thought you felt the sameâ
You remembered the kiss.Â
It had surprised you how much you liked it.
âI mean, youâre a really good kisserâ You admitted, picking from crumbs from the bagel.
He laughed, âAm I?â
âYeahâÂ
âI tryâ He smirked, and you know he was trying to lighten the mood. It was so typical of him to make jokes out of an awkward situation, âYouâre a really good kisser too. I know after the party, I gave you a 7.5 on the kissing scale, butâŚI was obviously kiddingâ
You looked up at him, âReally?â
He nodded, still smiling, âIâm sure Hyunjin would agree with meâ
Just like that, the bubble popped.
Your smile fell.
âSorryâ He apologised, âYou guys have kissed, right?â
âYeahâ
âAnd he still went back to Seoul?â He laughed, âMan, being an idol really sucksâ
âYongbokâŚâ
âOkayâ He laughed, âIâm sorry. I was just trying to make you laughâ
You didnât know what this was, or what to make of it.
What are you supposed to say that? You felt an obligation, to return his feelings, despite all the arguments you had in the recent months, you wish you could return them.Â
You didnât want to be the one breaking his heart, or anybodyâs.Â
Is this how Hyunjin would feel if youâd told him you loved him?Â
Would you have also lightened your inevitable rejection by stupid humour?Â
You donât know what you can possibly say to Yongbok, to make things okay.
So later, when heâs helping you wash the cups, foam-filled hands, you ask him, âAre you going to be okay?â
Yongbok looks up at you, a soft smile on his features, and you again realise how beautiful he looked in the sunlight. His skin is lit up, a kindness in his eyes has returned, like a weight was lifted off his shoulders, and he tells you heâs okay.
He tells you not to worry, and that you owe him nothing. He then dips his hand in the foamy sink, reaching up to smear some on your nose, a childlike laughter filling your kitchen.
You wonder if you would feel the same relief, if you confessed the truth to Hyunjin.
ââââ-
Your phone rings later that evening, and itâs Hyunjin.
He asks you if youâre okay, and if youâre better than you were yesterday.
You were on the brink of tears last night.
Today, you are better.
Yongbokâs words come back to you, and you wonder why you donât love him. It sure would have made everything a little easier.Â
Everything makes sense now, the way heâs been acting all summer, his behaviour around Hyunjin, and you feel a little stupid for being so oblivious to it.
When you drift off into thought, Hyunjin asked you again, if you were okay.
âI met Yongbokâ You responded.
His voice lit up, at your rekindled friendship, âYeah? What did you guys do?â
You tell him about the bagels, and the coffee, and because you can never keep anything from Hyunjin, you end up blurting, âHe told me he loves me. That he has his entire lifeâ
You donât know why you say it. Youâre looking for a reaction. Or for consolation.
But Hyunjin is quiet on the other end, and he doesnât say much for the rest of the night, and you wonder if you should have just kept it to yourself.
ââââ-
Hyunjin doesnât call you the next day, or the next, or the one after that.Â
You try to distract yourself, stealing away work hours into painting.Â
Each brushstroke soothed you, and you pour out your emotions.Â
Unrequited love is a bitch, and you feel guilty every time you see Felix, but heâs more than okay. You canât imagine being the same.Â
Your paintings end up all looking really sad. They make you feel sad when you look at them, and you realise youâre only painting of longing.
Hyunjin finally texts you.
Itâs only to tell you that Chan and Kairi broke up.
He doesnât say much more, but he doesnât have to.
You knew what they meant to them, and perhaps this breakup impacted him more than them.
You go back to painting your solitude.Â
Itâs calming, under the glow of your lamp, tucked in a corner of your room, you lose yourself in your art.Â
Autumn is closer than it was yesterday, and it makes you sad. Summer is further away in your past now, and so is he.
Hyunjinâs texts get less frequent, as the days go by.
You feel obsessive, you feel just a little crazy.
You feel like a teenage girl waiting for her crush to call back.
Your heart breaks a little more with each hour that he doesnât call.
Youâre worried all the time, if he was okay.
You read about the scandals on the news, and the rumours on the internet, and some of them involve him but most of them involve Jisung.Â
Yeonjun keeps you updated on the trial, and all the press outlets that Jisung has sued.Â
Hyunjin doesnât have space in his life for a relationship, but as days pass, it feels like he doesnât for a friendship either.
hyun
hey yn
im so sorry
iâve had a horrible schedule the past few days
theyâre really trying to make up for everything I missed
i havenât been sleeping much and i justâŚhavenât got much time on my phone
my managers have been really strict
they limit my activities on there
but donât worry im okay
i spend most of my time in the studio
i miss you too. a lot
His replies soothe you, more than your own art ever could.Â
You fall into a habit. You check the news each morning, even before your first sip of coffee, worried if heâs okay.
Hyunjin keeps telling you heâs fine, and you force yourself to believe him.
He sends you pictures of his art, and you notice how much heâs improved. Heâs using all of the techniques you taught him. Heâs painting about all of his days in your hometown.
Other nights, you donât hear from him at all.
You feel it falling apart, and your heart breaks.
One day, he asks you about Yongbok again.Â
You question if you should never have told him about the confession.
ââââ-
The day his album releases, you listen to it before anybody in the world, or at least youâd like to believe so.Â
Itâs beautiful, and itâs raw. Itâs a mix of every genre you can imagine. Hyunjin sings about love like heâs been in it. The album is more beautiful than you could anticipate, and you can already see the headlines surrounding itâs success.
Felix takes you to a store in Samhae, so you can purchase it for yourself, and when you find yourself in a line of twenty girls talking about him, you feel like fighting them.
You borrow Yuqiâs car, so you can push the CD into the stereo, and hear it before you can even get home.
The music Hyunjin makes is beautiful as him, and you hear the vocal fry, and the cadence he speaks with, and you fall in love with him even more.
It feels like cheating, as Felix sits in the passenger seat, listening to the same songs.
You wanted to ask him what he thinks of the album, but you hold back.
When you got home, you sat in the darkness of your room, and listened to it again, just by yourself.Â
You called him to tell him what you think of it, but heâs at a party and he has no time for this.Â
So you end up keeping your thoughts just to yourself.Â
ââââ-
You stared at the letter mail within your hands.
It arrived a few days ago, but you hadnât noticed it until now.
It had been lying in your mailbox, gathering dust, and you stood on the sidewalk, wondering how you the hell you missed it.
It was from the city.
Your heart dropped into your gut, as you ripped open the envelope, making sure not to damage the contents inside.
You took a deep breath.
Holy shit.
It was going to be a rejection.
It had to be.
You stood absolutely still on the pavement, unfolding the letter. Itâs so thin youâre afraid youâre going to rip it.
You canât read this alone. You wish Hyunjin would here, itâd probably feel less scary.
But you canât wait either. You need to know now.
You scanned the paper, yet your brain couldnât comprehend the sentences, and skipped forward, registering only certain words. Like a record skipping.
A word stands out to you.
Congratulations.
And then you go back to the start of the letter, trying to make sense of what you just read, but your heart is already beating out of your chest and you think youâre going to pass out.
Congratulations.
Kim Jieong would be honoured to have you join him as an apprentice for his Fall Program in Painting at the Atelier of the Arts in Seoul, South Korea.
You reread the words until they were seared into your mind, and into your heart.
You read them until the paper became wet with droplets, and you realise you were crying.Â
On the side of the sidewalk.Â
Then you read them again.
You folded the piece of paper into your pocket, and you texted the boy you loved.
hyunjin!
when can i call you?
i have something to tell you
itâs really important
You wait for his answer, but your message doesnât deliver.
So you sat down on your front porch, trying to calm your heart but youâre bursting with excitement and anticipation. Youâve already texted Felix and Minho, but youâre only waiting for one personâs reaction.
You need to tell him now.Â
He could be busy. He could be at work, or in bed, but you donât care.
He has to be the first to know.
You find yourself dialling his number, and your hands are shaking, and your heart is trembling.
Hyunjin doesnât pick up.
And youâre met with an unfamiliar message.
âWe're sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.â
ââââ-
THREE MONTHS LATER
ââââ-
âTake my hand if you donât wanna fallâÂ
You looked up, and Felix is smiling down at you, the sun a halo around his head.
Heâs got pink skates on, and it suits him.Â
The brightness of them stands out in the park.
âYouâre awfully confident for someone whoâs fallen overâŚthrice now?â Minho laughs, coming to stand next to you, arms on his hips.
âIâll be fine, Lixâ You smiled, tightening the laces of your roller-skates.
âLet me at least help you upâ He insisted.
You nodned, letting him take your hand and pull you up. Youâre inches from him when you stand up, and he smiled at you.
âSee you at the rink in a few?â He tilt his head.
âIâll see you, Lixâ
He let go of your hand, and you miss the steadiness it gave you, but almost instantly Minho comes to your side. With a hand on your back, he leads you to the rink. Youâre still getting used to these roller-skates, and youâve fallen over more than youâd liked.
âArenât you glad I dragged you out here?â He nudged you.
âSureâ You smiled at him, trying to match his pace.Â
Itâs a beautiful day at the park. Thereâs a harvest festival, where Felix bobbed for apples, and you cheered for him. Then Minho forced you all onto the rink, bringing you a new pair of skates since you couldnât find your old ones. As you skated around the park with your friends, it almost feels like the old days.
The leaves had changed color.
The days were shorter now, and the sun hung low in the sky, the temperature dropping to single digits.
With the onset of fall, you stopped swimming in the Creek, and the fireflies disappeared, and you never left the house without a cardigan anymore.Â
Aeraâs kept you busy, and so did the weekends at The Château. You and Seungmin grew even closer, and you found joy in interacting with travelling tourists, searching for artistic pursuits and adventure in your little town.Â
Felix explored his love for baking with you, and you recreated everything in his recipe book⌠except for the strawberry streusels. Yeonjun consistently kept in touch with, and told you of his life in the city, the drama in his workplace, and about the cute new girl that sat across him at work.Â
You fell in love with the palette of autumn, and all your artworks became tinged with shades of orange and red. All of your sweaters became tainted with paint splatters, and the walls of your room became full with your memories of the summer.
âAre you going to take these with you? I bought them for you, full-price mind youâ Minho asked you.
You sighed, âI donât knowâ
âThere has to be places in Seoul to skate inâ He thought, and grabbed your hand so you can speed up. You smiled, feeling the wind on your face, desperately trying to not lose your balance.
âI donât think I have space in my suitcaseâ You told him, as he stopped.Â
Felix is on the other side, and heâs smiling at you. He looks cute, and heâs with his sister. Sheâs in matching pink rollerblades, and Felix has spent more than an hour teaching her how to skate.
Thereâs a couple next to them, and theyâre holding hands and skating, and they keep kissing, and your chest hurts with the thought of him.
You havenât been able to talk to him in monthsâŚ
He doesnât even know you got into the program.
His number changed, and he closed all of private social media.
âHey?â Minho said, turning your head to look at him, and he can read your mind, âYouâll find him once you get to the city, itâs only a matter of timeâ
You frowned, âHow? I donât even know where he livesâŚI donât even know if heâs okayâ
âWell, you obviously know heâs aliveâ Minho joked, âHe looks pretty good in all the interviews they didâ
âIâm just worried about himâ You mumbled, âIt feels weird to go this long without hearing from himâ
âItâs probably something with the company. Hyunjin told you how controlling they were, didnât he?â
âYeah, butâŚheâs not a kid. How can they control this shit in his life?â
Youâve had this same conversation millions of times before, over the past three months, but you still canât understand what happened. You had tried every way to get in touch with him, but with how famous he was right nowâŚit was impossible.
Itâs not even like you can go to Facebook and add him as a fucking friend.Â
âI can ask Felix to tryâ Minho asked.
âNoâ You insist, âItâs not gonna make a difference. It doesnât matter anyway. Iâll see him soonâ
You canât help but have hope. At the beginning, you were worried, and then you were angry but now youâre just confused. You know heâd never change his contact information without telling you, or even Minho, or Seungmin.Â
Something went wrong.
A huge reason youâre excited to go to Seoul, is so you can finally meet him, and know what happened, how heâs been, and if heâs okay.
You heard Felix call out to you.
âWait, Y/Nâ Minho grabbed your arm, âIâm sure heâs even more upset than youâ
Over the past few months, Minho has discussed all of his theories with you, about what could have happened. Heâs so sure, that Hyunjinâs company is involved. You want to believe him, because thereâs no way Hyunjin would do this.
âWhat are you two gossiping about?â Felix asked, skating over to you, and from where you stand, he really looked like a fairy, long hair blowing in the wind.
âNothing importantâ You smiled at him, âWanna skate with me now?â
âAlwaysâ He grinned. You let him take your hand, and pull you around the rink, guiding you through groups of friends, children and couples.Â
âWhat are you wearing to the party tonight?â He asks, after a while, and his hand landed on your waist, helping you balance.
âWhatever outfit I havenât packedâ You admitted, honestly.
âCome on, youâre the star of the nightâ He spun in front of you, âYou should wear the blue dress, the one you wore to Yeonjunâs party last yearâ
Tonight is the going away party that Minho is throwing for you. You canât believe itâs already time. You leave tomorrow.
Everything has been building up to this, and youâre so excited, you think you could burst. Youâre anxious too, because everything has to go right, itâs only what youâve been dreaming about.
Your acceptance letter is tucked into a book, and it feels like only yesterday that you found out, but itâs already been months.
The night you got accepted, Felix baked you a chocolate cake. You were too shaken up, and confused about the fact that you couldnât get through to Hyunjin, but you had to celebrate.
Felix⌠distracts you from all your worries. Youâre grateful for his company.
âI donât want to be the starâ You told him.
Felix rolled his eyes, âYou deserve it, love, and you have no choiceâ
You had been anxious about Hyunjin for months, confused, and heartbroken, but you have bigger things to worry about.
The program starts in a week, and you donât have enough time to prepare.
Yet, youâve been preparing for it all your life.
The money youâve saved up happens to just be enough for a studio apartment, and Yeonjun helped you find a place in a busy neighbourhood.
Not that it mattered.
You would sleep in the subway if you had to, if it means youâll get to learn from The Kim Jieong. The artist youâve looked up to all your life, your inspiration, your muse, and your everything.
Later that night, Minho helped you pack, and you take only what you need. You canât afford to leave your supplies at home, like he did, so you packed all of them. You keep aside the tattered brushes, because the city kids would definitely disapprove.Â
Your suitcase filled up quickly, with an array of watercolours, and acrylics, and pastels, and you compromised on your clothes.
You only pack your favourite coat, and your dark sweaters, and the skirts you didnât wear here yet.
The going away party is small, and you love and hate every part of it. You wear the blue dress Felix wanted you to. Everybody there tells you youâll do well, and you wonder if any of them secretly resent you, if they think youâre another person who gave into the city's false charms. Everybody who moves to the city from a small town is always celebrated, but you know youâll probably be hated when youâre actually gone.
Youâre in such a daze throughout, you donât realise the importance of that night.
Youâre not going away for long, but itâs still a huge deal.
The apprenticeship has a low acceptance rate, and they hardly take any students from Korea. Itâs mostly international kids, and you canât believe you get the chance to be amongst them.
After the party, you and Felix stay to help Minho clean up, and you stand on the threshold of the doorway, to catch your breath. Felix threw away the last of the beer bottles, and stood opposite you, leaning on the other end.
Your arms are folded behind your back, and you smile at him.
âI canât believe Seonmi tried to get us to play spin the bottle againâÂ
You sigh, âIâm glad Minho shut them downâ
Felix laughs, and then his shoulders sag as the laughter dies down, âHow are you feeling?â
âTiredâ You tell him, âButâŚIâm really fucking excited tooâ
âI canât believe youâre leavingâ He mumbles, for the tenth time that night, and he pushes his hands in his pockets.
âItâs not like Iâm moving away foreverâ You tell him, âThe apprenticeship is just a temporary programâ
âBut isnât the point of it to get a job in the city?â He asks.
âThereâs only a few spots open, for the people that perform the bestâ
âThen youâre definitely not coming backâ He says, smiling, placing unwavering faith in you.
âWeâll seeâ You shrug.
âIs he coming to pick you up from the station?â He asks.
You nod, âIf he can make it. Heâs been busy recentlyâ
âYou promise to keep me in your life?â He suddenly asks, tilting his head. You notice his hairâs grown longer in the fall, falling to his shoulders. The blonde suits him, the glow of the porch lights sharpen his cheekbones, and the shadows on his face.
âYouâd push your way back, even if I didnâtâ You tell him.
He laughs, knowing itâs the truth, âIâve had the privilege of knowing you since we wereâŚkids. Iâm never letting you go, you know that?â
His words are meant to comfort you, but the irony doesnât fail to strike.
He must have noticed the fall in your expression, because he steps forward, âHey, hey. Whatâs wrong?â
âIâmâŚkind of a little terrifiedâ You admit, eyes downcast, watching the pink shoelaces of Felixâs worn-out shoes.
âYouâve been painting your whole life. Everybodyâs going to fall in love with you there, I can bet my life on thatâ
âI only need Kim Jieong to fall in love with meâ You joke.
âAnd he will. Youâll spare no oneâ
You swallow, âThank you. I know you never really wanted me to move away. But Iâm really glad you understand how much this means to meâ
âI rather you be away from me than be miserable in this little townâ He admits, and his finger meets the end of your chin. He tilts your head up, so youâre looking him right in the eye.
âThat doesnât sound like youâ You mumble.
He rolls his eyes, âI know. The things I do for youâ
You smile, âThank youâ
âIâm really gonna miss youâ He admits, âYouâll come home for the next summer though, right?â
You nod, and his hand is still on your chin, âOf course. Iâll be hereâ
His lips pull up into a smile, and his eyes are bright, and the freckles on his skin look far too much like stardust right now.
âYouâll be here. Thatâs why summerâs my favourite seasonâ He mumbles, but his voice is suddenly hoarse now, half of his words lost in his mouth.Â
Heâs staring right at you, and you feel the breath leave your lungs.Â
It reminds you of the night of his birthday and how he came to your rescue, kissing you to save you from embarrassment.
âCan I kiss you?â He suddenly asks you, the depth of his voice prickling through you.
Apparently, he was thinking of the same thing.
The words throw you for a loop, but yet they donât.Â
He knows you donât feel the same way for him. He knows that youâre in love with someone else. But he still asks. Itâs a goodbye kiss. It doesnât mean much more.Â
So, you say yes, and he swallows your words in a kiss.
He presses you up against the doorway, but he doesnât deepen the kiss. His lips move against yours, and his hands hold you, and all you can think about how is how different this feels.
Itâs not that youâve given up on Hyunjin. In fact, in a few days, youâll be closer to him than youâve ever been, under the same night sky, breathing the same air.
Your hands stay behind you, pressed into the doorway, and you feel the slightest urge to run them through his hair, but you donât.Â
Felix kisses you sweetly, and when he pulls away, thereâs no awkwardness. He lets out a laugh, pulling playfully at your cheeks and mumbles something about making sure you donât miss the train in the morning.
That night, when youâre packing away the last of your things, you reached for the sketchbook you had left at Hyunjinâs house. It laid by your bedside, but you havenât opened it in weeks. You decided to take it with you, if only for the memories and the sketches youâll make on the journey.
As you reach to put it in your suitcase, something dropped from within its pages and landed on the wooden floor.
Frowning, you bent down to pick it up.Â
Itâs a vertical photo strip, and when you flip it over, your breath stops in your throat.
Itâs the pictures from the photobooth.
Of you and Hyunjin kissing, in the pink lights.
How the fuck did that get in here?
Youâre absolutely sure he had deleted them, right in front of your own eyes.
It stirs memories within you, plunging you right back into that moment, the hot, heavy kisses that you shared, the tightness with which he gripped your hips, the urgency with which you touched each other.
Your core tightened, and you sit on the floor to take a breath.
You stared at the strip of pictures. Your first instinct is to text him, and ask where he got them, but you canât even contact him.Â
Itâs another question you canât wait to ask him, when you finally see him again.
A tsunami of feelings overwhelms you, and you know that you canât blame him for this sudden rift between you, because you can still feel the intensity with which he held you, and moments like that canât be temporary.
A new buzz runs through your veins, and you hold the photo strip tight to your chest, wondering when it would be real again.
ââââ-
The stars in the sky were replaced by the skyscraper lights, as your train hurtled closer to its destination.
Clutching your ticket in your hand, your eyes were peeled to the window, watching the city skyline become closer, and closer, until the buildings loomed over you.Â
Youâd seen the city through pixels and in coffee table books but never like this.Â
Your camera ran out of film before youâd even arrived, and perhaps you should have prepared for that. You couldnât stop your excitement. Everything was new, and everything was gorgeous. You took pictures of your ticket, of your seat, of the view.
You have to document this. In every form possible.
The cute boy across you even offered to share a pack of Peppero sticks halfway through the ride, and you hoped everybody in the city was as kind as him.
There were more people at the platform than in the entirety of Daejon, and you held your bags tightly to you, making your way through the crowd. At a certain point, you werenât even walking, just pushed toward the nearest exit, going with the flow of the crowd around you.Â
Each breath brought a new scent, fighting for your attention in the crowd. The musty luggage that had travelled all over the country being dragged against the concrete.Â
There must be a cafe nearby, because the aroma of coffee wafted through the air, and it wasnât till the scent of pastries hit you that you realised you were starving.
Thereâd be time for food later.
The faint hint of cologne and perfume clouded your senses, different kinds of fragrances worn by the people who walked through the station.
It was overwhelming, a sensory overload, but you had expected this chaos.
You welcomed it.
He was waiting for you at the platform.
Relief flooded through you at the familiar face amongst the crowd.Â
âLook at herâ He remarked, a small smile overtaking him.
âFuckâ You ran up to him, navigating through the few people still in your way.Â
His arms wrapped around you immediately, lifting you off the ground momentarily, and his scent was familiar and it was known, and it calmed you instantly. You buried your face in his neck, letting him hold you to his body in the crowd.
âYouâre hereâ He breathed, pulling back to look at you, eyes wide.
âI missed youâ You admitted, reaching out to grab his hand, âThank youâŚfor coming to pick me upâ
He squeezed yours in return, âI wouldnât miss it for the worldâÂ
âNo, Iâm serious. Thank you, Yeonjunâ
He stared at you, eyes crinkling in appreciation and love, âYou donât have to thank meâ
The crowd moved around you, like a river around a rock, as you held him close to you.Â
Everything was unfamiliar here, but him.
âCome on, letâs get you out of hereâ He smiled, grabbing your bags.
Walking out of the station felt like stepping into a dream youâd forgotten.
Youâd studied these streets, and dreamt of these buildings, but now you stood amongst them. Awe and fascination swelled in your heart, and if it wasnât for Yeonjun keeping a hold on you, youâd probably stop and stare at every little thing.
The neon lights danced along the alleyways, casting colors onto everyone around you.
It was so typical.Â
It was just like the movies.
You picked up on snippets of conversations, leftovers of drama, but it was crazy, because for the first time, you didnât know who they were gossiping about. There were no familiar faces or names, a reality you could never live before.
In the distant, you could hear street musicians and you stopped, pulling at Yeonjunâs sleeve, âCan we go see that?â
Youâve seen far too many Youtube videos about this, and you have been waiting to experience this yourself.
He laughed, gesturing to your luggage, âWith all this stuff in our hands?â
âRightâ You realised.
âHey, we can always come back to this. Letâs get you settled in first, yeah?â He said, reaching forward to tuck your hair back in a gesture that soothed you.
âI know. I justâŚIâm excited. Sorryâ You apologised.
âDonât be sorry. I was the same my first day hereâ He said, sincerely, âIâm glad I have you to share this with. Although youâre already doing better than me, I was so overwhelmedâ
You swallowed, âI am too, butâŚI want to beâ
Yeonjunâs lips curled up into a smile, âYeah?â
âIâve thought about this moment for a long time, Junâ
âI knowâ He smiled, then tugged at your hand, âNow come on, weâre almost at your apartmentâ
You let him tug you along, because you were too lost taking everything in to navigate yourself.Â
It was overwhelming,Â
But you embraced it.
ââââ-
âAre you sure this is the right building?â
âMmh, I checked on the map. Itâs definitely the red buildingâ
âItâŚlooks different than it did onlineâ You said, staring at the apartment.
âIâm sure itâs nicer insideâ He shot you a calm look.Â
He grabbed the heavier suitcase, before attempting to push the door open.Â
It didnât budge, and he stopped, âIs the door locked or something?â
âUm, they told me itâd be open till sixâ You mumbled, glancing at your phone to check the time.
âWell, itâs certainly not openâ Yeonjun muttered, trying to push it open with his shoulder.Â
His efforts were met with no real results, and he released a frustrated sigh.
âMaybe I can tryâ You side-stepped him, lamely attempting to turn the knob.
âYou know, itâs not that coldâ Yeonjun rolled his eyes at the thick gloves you had on.
âItâs cold for meâ You defended.Â
Daejon almost had the same weather year-round.Â
You werenât used to the chill that came this up north.
âI pray for you when winter comesâ He added.
You turned to him, arms crossed, âSoâŚare we just going to stand here the rest of the night?â
âWhy donât you call the landlord?â
You bit your lip, âI wouldnât wanna inconvenience himâÂ
Yeonjun sighed, dropping the duffel bag on the pavement, âYou literally canât get into your apartment. I think heâll understandâ
Your new life in the city was off to a great start.
âMaybe I can try again tomorrowâ You spoke, âCould I stay at your place tonight?â
âY/Nâ He stepped forward, placing a hand on your shoulder, âYou can, but youâre not going to be bothering him, I promise you. This is kind of his jobâ
You stared at him, and sighed, âYouâre right. But, before I call him, do you think thereâs another entrance to the place? Maybe weâre at the wrong oneâ
Yeonjun looked up at the facade of the building. All the blinds to the apartment windows were shut, and he kept his hands on his hips, âIâll check around the backâ
âThank youâ You nodded, âIâll try the door hereâ
You peeled off your gloves, turning the knob again, hoping that it might work this time.
You pushed at it with your shoulder, and to your surprise, the door burst open, plunging you inside.Â
Somebody else had opened the door from the inside.
âFuckâ You collided with them, flushing with embarrassment.
âWhoaâ He exclaimed, hands coming up to your shoulders, âAre you okay?â
âOh my god. Iâm so sorryâ You stepped back, looking up at him.
Was everyone in Seoul a fucking model or something?
His hair fell into his eyes, sharp features and a jawline that immediately stood out to you.Â
He seemed to be younger than you.
He observed your form, eyes flickering over your figure before he stepped back, to let you breathe, âWere youâŚbreaking in to my apartment or something?â
âNo!â You immediately responded in horror, eyes wide, âIâŚIâm Y/Nâ
His eyebrows shot up, âIs that supposed to mean something to me?â
âIâm the new resident on the sixth floorâ You explained, voice unsure by the second, âMr. Kwon didnât mention me?â
âOhâ His eyes widened in recognition, âRight. He did. I didnât think youâd be coming in today. Bad weather to be moving inâ
âYouâre rightâ You laughed, pushing your hands in your pockets, âSo, uhâŚIâm Y/Nâ
He smiled, eyes crinkling, âHi, Y/N. Iâm Jeonginâ
âSorry about the door. I couldnât get inâÂ
âIt tends to get stuck in the cold sometimesâ He explained, then looked behind you, âIs that all the stuff you have?â
You turned back, âYeah. My friendâs gone around the blockâŚto look for another entranceâ
Jeongin smiled brightly, like he had no troubles in the world, âWell, I can help you get your bags up, unless you wanna wait for your friend to come back?â
âIâll just tell him I got the door openâ You explained, reaching for your phone to text Yeonjun.Â
Your new neighbour, Jeongin, watched as you typed out the text, and then reached forward, to pick up the duffel youâd abandoned on the street.
âYou probably shouldnât leave your stuff out like thatâ He laughed, grabbing the handle of your suitcase, âSome scumbags are just looking for an opportunity like thatâ
âOhâ You realised, feeling dumb for leaving your things unattended.
Jeongin pulled your suitcase and duffel bag up the porch stairs, before shooting you a glance, âIâm guessing youâre new to the cityâ
âItâs obvious?â You laughed, feeling embarrassed.
âDonât worry about itâ He shook it off with a hand, as you followed him up the stairs, âIâm on the second floor, by the wayâ
You clutched the rusty bannister with one hand, craning your neck to observe the atrium. The centre of the staircase had a skylight, but it was pitch-black outside.
He glanced back at you, âIf you ever find yourself stuck outside, you can shoot me a text. Iâm almost always homeâ
You followed him up to the sixth floor, âThank you, thatâs really nice of you. Are you in university?â
He nodded, âI take my classes online though. You?â
âIâm here for an art internshipâ
âWhereâd you move here from?â He asked, as you made your way to the door, and you handed him the keys.Â
âDaejon. Itâs a small town down south, near the beach and the mountains. You probably havenât heard of itâ
He turned to you, with a grin, âSounds beautifulâ
You unlocked the door to your unit, and thankfully this lock was easier than the one below.Â
Flicking the switches on, you glanced around.
The apartment certainly wasâŚsomething.Â
It was a studio, unfurnished, one bedroom, one bath.
The walls and floor were bare, and there was hardly any lighting, but that could be fixed.
Everything could be fixed.
You had made it here, and thatâs what mattered.
A little kitchen window looked out into a fire escape, glimpses of the city visible.Â
It excited you already. You could set up an easel there and learn to paint this new landscape.
Youâd brought no artwork with youâŚbut the new paintings you made could decorate the walls, and soon the place would fill up with your new memories of the city.
There was so much potential.
âItâs not bad. Mr. Kwon gave you one of the better unitsâ The boy commented, and you realised he was still here, as youâd been fantasising about your new place.
âReally? Youâre not just saying that to make me feel better?âÂ
Jeongin raised an eyebrow, âWhy would I want to make you feel better? Weâve only known each other like⌠thirty secondsâ
Your eyes widened, and for a second you wondered if he actually meant it, before he burst into a laugh.
âSorryâ He giggled, âI was kidding. Did you think I was not?â
âAnd how would I know you were kidding? I just met you, like you saidâ You exhaled.
He laughed, walking back to you, âWhy would I be so rude to you for no reason?â
You shrugged, hugging yourself, âI donât knowâŚmaybe youâre an assholeâ
âOuchâ He laughed.
âWho are you?â A familiar voice interrupted, and you turned to see Yeonjun stood at the doorway. His eyes were wide, and his hair was wet from the rain. You felt guilty for leaving him out in the cold, but he was more concerned about the stranger in your apartment.
âWho are you?â Jeongin asked him in return, âHowâd you get in?â
Yeonjunâs eyes narrowed, âThe door was open downstairsâ
âShitâ He mumbled, âMr Kwon will kill meâ
âWhy are you in my friendâs living room?â Yeonjun asked.
âI was helping her inâ
Yeonjun shot you a look, and you shrugged, âWhat?â
Jeongin looked between the two of you awkwardly, âI gotta go close up downstairsâ
âSure. Thank you for letting me in by the wayâ
âCourse. No problemâ He smiled, pushing his hands in his denim jacket pockets as he left.Â
Once he was out of earshot, Yeonjun shut the apartment door, and raised an eyebrow at you, âWho was he?â
âYang Jeonginâ You leaned against the kitchen counter, letting out a breath, âHe opened the door for meâ
âAnd you let him into your apartment. What if heâs a creep?â
âRelax, Jun. At least Iâm inside nowâ
He looked around, observing the place, âWell, at least thereâs no mold here or anythingâ
You stare at him, âAre you kidding me? The place is⌠perfectâ
He laughs, âWhat?â
You run up to him, pulling him into a hug, âThank you, thank you, thank youâ
He wrapped his arms around you, âSomeoneâs happyâ
You looked up at him, âOf course I am. This is what Iâve wanted my entire lifeâ
âYou didnât seem this excited downstairsâ He pointed out.
âI was worried for a second thereâ You say, âBut now Iâm so happyâ
He laughed, âFuck. Iâm happy for youâ
You let go of him, to sit on your new couch, in your new home.
âIf I get some cute stuff and more lights, itâll be nice, right?â
He walked over to the kitchen window, peering out at the view, âJust be careful to keep the blinds closed at nightâ
âWhy?â You frowned.
âThereâs a lot of creepy people in the cityâ
You smiled, dropping your head back on the couch, âI donât careâ
He laughed again, stepping over to you, âWhen do you want to unpack?â
âIs it crazy if I say right now? I kind of want to put all my stuff in placeâ
âNo, itâs not crazy. Youâre not tired?â
âIâve been preparing for this my whole life, so noâ
He chuckled, âIâm guessing youâre going to be saying that a lotâ
He walked over to the bedroom, âItâs smaller than on the website. Youâll have to buy a bedâ
âI knowâ You hummed, closing your eyes, to take everything in. If you sat here quietly, youâd be able to hear the sirens, the pedestrians, the noise from all the shops.
âDo you wanna order some pizza?â He asked.
âThatâs perfectâ
As the hours pass, you put away all your clothes in the wardrobe. Yeonjun helped you arrange the paintbrushes and canisters in a corner. Youâve only had enough space to bring two canvases and you balanced them against your bedroom wall.Â
Yeonjun played an English rock band heâs lately been obsessed with as you emptied the last of your suitcase.
The pizza arrived in no time, and Yeonjun brought it upstairs.
Youâve opened the kitchen window to let the city sounds in, and he smiles at your amused expression. Your apartment faces a busy street, but you love it. Thereâs absolutely no silence, and you think itâll help you fall asleep at night.
Sitting on the floor, the pizza box lay between you as Yeonjun told you about his favourite spots in the city. He was a little overprotective, telling you to avoid certain neighbourhoods, but you appreciate him.
âAre you excited to join the internship?â He asked, biting down into the pepperoni.
âApprenticeshipâ You corrected him.
âWhatâs the difference?â He laughed.
âLook it upâ You rolled your eyes, tossing a pepperoni at him.
He nodded, âSo youâre sticking in Seoul forever then?â
You laughed, âWeâll seeâ
âYou didnât answer my questionâ He repeated, popping open a coke can, a hissing sound accompanying it.
âI am excited. Obviouslyâ You smiled, âNervous to meet Kim Jieong though. Heâs like my favourite artist, ever, in the entire observable universeâ
Yeonjun laughed, passing you the coke can, âI better be the first to hear all about your first dayâ
âWho else will I even tell?â You laughed.
He nodded, swallowing the crusts, and choosing to stay quiet.
Itâs awkward. Hyunjinâs thought hangs in the air.
He doesnât know youâre here.
He doesnât even know you got accepted.
âWe could do something crazy. If you wantâ
âWhat?â You asked, curious.
âYouâre probably gonna hate the ideaâ He laughed.
You scoot closer to him, âTell meâ
He bites into another piece, âYou know where he works. The Pegasus headquarters. Itâs not too far from your classesâ
You stare at him as he talks. The idea makes you feel like a stalker.
âI canât just show up at his workplaceâ
âIsnât that how you two met in the first place? He showed up to your workplace?â
You grabbed the coke can from him, âYouâre clever. But noâŚthatâd be weirdâ
âHow else are you going to get in touch with him?â
âI donât know, but it is so weird to think that weâre under the same sky nowâ
Yeonjun rolled his eyes, âYouâre way too romantic. You know that youâre always under the same sky, right? No matter where you are on Earthâ
âShut upâ You tossed a piece of pepperoni at him, âDonât kill the moodâ
âFine. Youâre breathing the same air as Hyunjin. I mean, if you really want to be romantic, youâll probably bump into him sometime soonâ
âThereâs like ten million people in the city, Junâ
âOh, now youâre logical?â He laughed. Yeonjunâs face suddenly lit up, and you know heâs had a terrible idea.
âWhat? Donât tell meâŚâÂ
âIâm going to help you find him. Thatâs kind of my jobâ
âFinding people?â You laughed.
âNo, tracking their digital footprints, and shitâ
âHow is that going to help us find Hyunjin again?â
âI donât know. Iâm still figuring that part outâ
You rolled your eyes, and you lie down.
Your stomach is full, youâre tired, and the floor of your new place is cold, and you love it. Youâre so happy.Â
Youâre right where you belong, and right where you were always supposed to be.
It feels right, and you smile to yourself.
âDo you want to go for a walk? Maybe we can explore your neighbourhood. You can get familiar with itâ Yeonjun suggested.
You sat up so quickly, âThatâs the greatest idea Iâve ever heardâÂ
So, he took you around the alleys, and you tried to memorise the names of the streets, and he showed you a coffee shop, and a Paris fucking Baguette.Â
Your street is busy and full of life, even this late at night. Even from here, you could see the high-rise buildings surrounding you, glass houses, and everything is glamorous.Â
âI literally feel like Iâm inside a dramaâ You told Yeonjun, watching all of the little shops and snack stands. The mannequins in the window display wore clothes you could never get away with wearing back home.
But, youâll wear them now.
Itâs so much all at once.
He held your hand, introducing you to everything he knew of.Â
You feel like a stranger in your own country. Everything is different here.
But youâre right where you belong, and as Yeonjun led you back home, you looked up at the sky.
Itâs different too.
You realise Hyunjin was right all along.
There are no stars here.Â
ââââ-
Itâs been less than a week, and youâre lost.
Youâre not proud to admit it.
But the city is big, and you were only trying to find your way to The Atelier.
Cabs were expensive as hell, so youâd decided to walk, and take the trains but clearly youâd ended up in the wrong neighbourhood.
You called Yeonjun. Obviously.
âLook, Y/N. I still donât understand what possessed you go visit your art building this lateâ
âI was impatient!â You admitted. Your classes donât start for another week, but you wanted to check the place out. You couldnât hold your excitement.
âYou couldâve just waited for the weekend. I would have gone with youâ
You snorted, âRight. What would you do in a place like that?â
âHey, I can be artsy tooâ He retorted, âNow tell me what you seeâ
You stared ahead of you.
Itâs busy, and thereâs so many people. You turn a corner, and then another, and another. Itâs already dark out, and the streetlights have twinkled on. You wish you could appreciate the beauty, but youâre so lost.Â
Somehow, youâre not scared. You know youâll figure it out.Â
Youâve made it this far after all.
âIâm at a street with a thousand shopsâ
âSoâŚevery single street of this city? Youâre so helpfulâ
âYouâre not being very helpful eitherâ You crossed your arms.
âJust go into any shop, and ask them where the art building isâ
âWhat if they donât know?â
âThen ask somebody elseâ Yeonjun suggested.
You survey the plethora of shops. Half of them have already shuttered down, and some are in the process of closing.Â
Thereâs only one store thatâs open. It looks like it sells snacks and drinks, but maybe they can tell you where you are. The fluorescent lights of it cast a harsh aura upon the streets, unmatched to the traditional aesthetic of everything else.Â
âOkay. Thatâll give me an excuse to get that expensive candy I saw at the stationâ
Yeonjun laughed, âI am appalled at how positive youâre being right now despite being in the middle of nowhereâ
You walked up the little stairs, a chime sounding as you enter.Â
Itâs bigger than you expected inside.Â
Thereâs rows and rows of snacks, shelves stocked to the brim. Itâs local, different from a 7/11 franchise, but itâs just as organised. Thereâs a few people already in the store, and you walked past them, until you find an employee who can help you.
âYeah, once I decided to stop being affected by every little thing, life became much easierâ You joked.
You can almost imagine Yeonjun rolling his eyes as he said, âIf only everything was that easyâ
âIâm gonna ask someone who works here. Iâll call you after, okay?â You spoke into the phone, before hanging up.
Thereâs a girl, she looked friendly enough.
âExcuse me?âÂ
She turned, and she was chewing gum, âYeah? How can I help you?â
âYeah, could you tell me how I can get to the Atelier from here?â
You feel a little stupid. Sheâs probably wondering why you canât just use your phone, but the streets here are so narrow, thereâs no way itâll be accurate.
Her eyebrow furrowed, âThat fancy glass building?âÂ
You lit up in recognition, âYes! Exactly that!â
âUm. Iâm sorry, I donât know. But Jae will know. His girlfriend goes there. I can call him if you want, heâs the backâ
âOhâ You nodded, âThatâll be really helpful, thank you so muchâ
She looked around, âAre you gonna buy anything?â
You nodded, smiling at her, before she walked into the back.
Well, she was nice.
You tucked your hands into your jacket pockets, and looked around.Â
You havenât been to this part of town before. Well, youâve only been here a few days but you must have got yourself really, really lost to end up in such a random place.
You waited for the girl to come back, and you watched the people around you.
You envy their sense of comfort, and familiarity.
Thereâs a couple, still in school uniforms, and theyâre picking out candy.
Thereâs quite a few people in the store, baskets full of snacks, and iced coffee, and maybe you can grab one too, after you reorient yourself.
The shelf is front of you is so overstimulating, and thereâs so many different types of candy.Â
Thatâs another one of your favourite things here.
Brands youâve never heard of or seen before. Imported sweets, from all across the world, and everything is expensive, but you donât care right now.
Thereâs a huge box of purple candies.
Itâs too much, even for you.
But you feel the need to treat yourself.
You reached for it, picking it off the shelf. Your eyes wander up.
Thereâs a boy.
Your heart skips a beat, and you think it almost stopped.
Youâre dizzy.
The most beautiful boy in the world⌠stands on the other side of the shelf.
Youâd recognise that stance anywhere.Â
Heâs in a dark trench coat and a cap is pulled over his head, and getting lost has easily been the absolute best mistake of your life. Itâs the craziest coincidence in the world, and maybe now you really donât believe in coincidences anymore.
You believe in destiny, and he has to be yours.
Thereâs no other explanation, no rhyme or reason for why else he would be here, right now, right here, at the same time as you.
He hasnât seen you yet, and you relish in those few seconds of pure observation.
He looks exactly the same, as he browses through the aisle of cereals.
Your heart burned, and it yearned, and you couldnât wait anymore.
You couldnât stop yourself, even if you wanted to.
âHyunjin?â You blurted, the excitement unable to be held back.
His head shot up to yours.
The blue box of cereal in his hand dropped to the floor.
And it really was him.
It actually was him.
There were no coincidences.Â
He looked so gorgeous, and you can already feel his distinct scent. Your lips curved up into a smile, and your heart was beating out of its chest.
He was staring at you, eyes wide, lips parted.
His hair had gotten even longer, and it peeked out from under his cap.
âHyunjin Iââ
A woman stepped between you, picking up what heâd just dropped.
âIs this the one you were looking for?â She handed it to him.
Hyunjin tore his gaze away from you and nodded at her.
She looked at you, wondering what had his attention.
Your words were stuck in your throat, and your heart was squeezing in your chest, you thought you might collapse.
Who was that?
âIs there anything else you need?â She asked him.
He shook his head, gaze to the floor, âNo. Iâm goodâ
His voice. Youâd missed it insanely.
âPerfect. The cash counterâs in the back thoughâ She walked past you, and sheâs not your problem anymore because heâs here. Heâs actually here, in front of you, in the most random shop in all of Seoul.Â
Hyunjin stepped out from the aisle.Â
Youâre standing in his way, âHeyââ
âExcuse meâ He mumbled, his shoulder bumped against yours and he walked right past you.
What the fuck?
He didnât even look at you.
Someone tapped on your shoulder, and it was the girl with the chewing gum.
Your eyes were still on him though, confused, and a fear began to settle in your stomach. He was standing at the cash counter, and his was head was ducked low, as the woman placed all of their shopping out of the cart.Â
For a second, you wonder if youâre mistaken and if thatâs someone else, but you know itâs him, but that doesnât make any sense.
The girl employee spoke cheerfully, introducing a boy at her side, âThis is Jae! He can tell you the way to the Art Atelierâ
At those words, Hyunjin finally looked back, over his shoulder, at you.
His gaze met yours.
It definitely was him.
You were about to say something, but the words never made it past your lips, because he immediately looked away from you.
It was as if he had never known you.
Like you were a stranger.
The city of Seoul had never felt so quiet, as right now.
ââââ-
â masterlist â
please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you <3
if youâd like to support me and my writing, you can buy me a coffee here! thank you so much.
#hyunjin x reader#hyunjin imagines#star lost with you#hyunjin x yn#hyunjin smut#angst#fluff#friends to lovers#series#skz x reader#skz smut#hwang hyunjin x reader#hwang hyunjin smut
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Hey, Love your fics! Can you do a SFW (or NSFW if youâre feeling up to it) alphabet about the playboy yandere (or the jock)?
âââââŕźşâĄŕźťâââââŽ
YANDERE!PLAYBOY // SFW Alphabet
A/N ;; Thank you so much!! iâll start off with the SFW alphabet for kieran and then do the jocks! I may do the NSFW alphabets later on<3.
â°ââââŕźşâĄŕźťâââââŻ
A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)
Very affectionate to you if youâre in a relationship. Mainly likes physical affection and will always be touching you in some way. (Hand around shoulder, arm, thigh etc)
B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)
would NOT be a good best friend. The only reason why heâs friends with you is because heâs in love with you đ with his other âfriendsâ hes not reliable at all, doesnât really care for them, just keeps them around because it makes him look good. But with you, He just pretends you guys are in an established relationship (delusional king fr)
C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)
Heâd be the be the big spoon 101%. Holds you quite tight, his body temperature is always cold so that might be a negative.
D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)
He has really bad commitment issues but with you heâd want to settle down really quickly. If you wanted him to move into your house hed do so in an instant, or if you wanted a new house/flat? heâd have the documents in hand.
Average at cooking, he wouldnât burn the whole house down but he also wouldnât make a 5 star meal. Horrible at baking though. Hed struggle to clean because heâs used to others doing it for him
E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)
With his past girlfriends, heâd either ghost them or be very straight up and rude if they donât get the hint.
With you? Even if you were the worst person in the world, youâre not going anywhere LOL.
F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)
To be honest, I think he would find marriage stupid and useless, Whatâs the point of some words on a paper showing youâre in a relationship?
BUT, if you even slightly wanted it, then he would get married and give an extravagant wedding also inviting literally everyone he knows so he can show off the relationship. Or heâd get married with you, if he can see that youâre slowly getting tired of him, Heâll bring it up suddenly and will not give you an option to say no.
G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)
Emotionally, He tries hard for you, but sometimes he takes things like a joke too far beccause heâs used to lacking empathy. But if he notices youâre upset, heâll apologise and practically go on his knees for you
Physically, Heâs gentle but sort of man-handles you?? Not in a rude way but heâd move you with his arms instead of telling you to move or always initiates physical contact even though you may not want it.
H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)
LMFAOO IM SO SORRY BUT HED BE THE TYPE TO BE LIKE âaha Y/N, whereâs my hug at?â
joking (probably..), Hed always want to be the arms above and heâd hug you very tightly, close to the point where itâs hard to breathe. While hugging you, heâd sway your body side to side (idk if that makes sense)
I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)
As soon as you say yes into being his partner. Or maybe even before that.
J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when theyâre jealous?)
Gets jealous very very VERY easily. If he sees you hanging out w another man, heâd jealous so fast. ESPECIALLY if that man made you laugh.
When heâs jealous, he doesnât show it angrily or sadly. Yeah heâs angry, but he just flirts more with you, grows more protective over you and doesnât show the aggresive side to you, but rather the perpetrator.
K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)
Loves to smother you in kisses, His kisses are rough and hard, almost to the point where it hurts. He tries to always have a flirtatious personality but sometimes when he kisses you, you can feel the desperate aura around him. Almost as if he thinks youâd disappear if he let go. He likes kissing you everywhere, but does it more on the lips and your forehead. Heâd love for you to kiss his cheek and biceps the most.
L = Little ones (How are they around children?)
I think this is the only time where you could see Kieran being slightly awkward. Heâs a lot more calm and toned down around them. He wouldnât actively try to communicate with children, but if they approach him, heâd try his best to listen and answer. (He would prefer them not coming to him though.
M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)
Itâs cute. Mornings are the rare times where he has his guard down and is overall just sweet. He loves it when you stay in bed for an extra five minutes and would hug you tightly, and whisper sweet nothings into your ear along with soft kisses. Heâs quite vulnerable during the mornings and you can really feel how grateful he is to be with you.
N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)
This is the SFW alphabet so unfortunately i canât say what heâd normally do :(.
But on the more quiet nights, Heâd like to hug you, while heâs the big spoon and wait for you to fall asleep before he would try too. If he canât fall asleep heâd gently try to turn your body around and stare at your face (a bit creepily) before heâll grow tired.
O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)
Very very slowly. Heâd know your whole life story before you know a portion of his. If you never asked I donât even think heâd reveal his backstory. But if you were to be quite stubborn about it, heâd tell you everything and more.
P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)
With you? Extreme amount of patience, but may get frustrated with your lack of attention to him.
With others? He doesnât care about them enough to get angry at them. But if it affects you in any way? Consider that person dead.
Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)
Every single detail. Even the things you didnât tell him. Focuses on you like itâs the most important subject ever.
R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)
1. When you finally laughed at his cheesy joke/pickup line
2. When you finally said yes to his confessions and kissed him
3. this whole moment.
S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)
If he sees you speaking with someone who he views as a threat? Theyâd be on the news in less than a week.
Would protect you by constantly being by your side, low-key overbearing but whatever.
Heâd rather protect you than vice versa. But he would like to be protected by your reassurance once you guys get into a steady relationship. Even if he is very confident, he does think bad scenarios sometimes.
T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)
Tries extremely hard. Knows everything about you so would but a gift you had wanted for a long time, or if you didnât know you wanted but once he gave it too you, youâd be shocked at how much youâd needed it. Dates, anniversaries etc extremely romantic, he has a lot of money to spend and would spend it all on you. Even when you guys arenât dating heâd go all out.
U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)
his whole personality LOL
kidding, he gets jealous really quickly, he would kidnap you if he could tell you REALLY werenât interested in him, He has no empathy for anyone other than you, he would essentially do anything for you if you asked (beside leaving you alone.)
since he is a yandere, I feel like the relationship would get toxic on Y/Ns side after a while. Heâd still be enamoured whilst for you, it could begin to get tiring. (Or not LOL)
V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)
He knows heâs good looking. He has a small routine but other than that he just lets his looks carry him.
W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)
Heâd be a goner without you. Ever since he met you, thereâs not a single time where he doesnât think about you. If you were ever to disappear? Heâd search the whole world for you and wouldnât stop. He cannot live without you.
X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)
Owns a letterman jacket in every colour.
Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldnât like, either in general or in a partner?)
He likes anything that you do.
But with other people, if they act like they know him when they clearly donât. Most of the school acts like that, thatâs why he doesnât like anyone but pretends too.
Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)
Wraps his arm around you tightly. If you wake up before him, youâre trapped. Heâs a light sleeper so heâd wake up if you moved a tiny bit. But would pretend to still be asleep so he could cuddle you a little more.
purerae<3
#purerae#yandere blog#male yandere#yandere headcanons#male yandere oc#yandere#yandere oc#yandere oc x reader#yandere x reader#yandere playboy#yandere playboy x reader#playboy x reader#playboy lore#yandere x you#yandere imagines#yandere oneshots#yandere scenarios#yandere x darling#yandere x female reader#yandere oneshot#yandere hcs#yandere x y/n#sfw alphabet
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In the balance - Chapter 9: the world in the balance
Chapter 8
/Masterpost/
Pairing: Dark!Steve Rogers x reader
Word count: 6,1k
Warnings: non-con (series), dub-con (series), descriptions of ptsd symptoms, panic attacks, descriptions and references to past psychological, sexual and physical abuse
Summary: your world is suddenly turned on itâs head when Steve leaves you in the care of his best friend to go hunt your attackers down. You just have to get through it until Steve returns, but that can prove difficult when Bucky starts to prod into you and Steveâs relationship...
Note: First of all, itâs been a year since i last updated this story and itâs been a bitch. I'm starting to see the ending approach though, which is great cuz im looking forward to write it𼰠For those of you who have been consistently commenting on how you were looking forward to the next chapter - THANK YOU! You guys kept me going<333 Hope you enjoyđŚ
Your media consumption is your own responsibility, but I advise you not to interact if the contents of the warnings upset you!
Minors DO NOT INTERACT!đŤ
Reblogs, likes, replies and asks are amazingđ
You stared out of the floor to ceiling window, vertigo sloshing in the back of your head as you peered down at the gridwork of roads and flashing lights, the cars and people looking like ants from all the way up here in the clouds. You wrapped the blanket tighter around yourself, fighting the nausea down.
A broad hand suddenly clasped around the back of your neck and you jolted.
âWhoah there, itâs just me,â Steve said as he gave your neck an affectionate squeeze. He stepped up behind you and wrapped you in his arms, his big, warm hands sliding down to stroke lovingly over your swollen belly. It was getting heavier for each day that passed, and the kid was getting more restless along with it. You leaned your head back against his chest, closing your eyes as he swayed you from side to side.
- a flash of light in the dark, cold marble under your bare feet, a sickening crunch. So much blood -
Your eyes shot open and you heaved for breath, suddenly choking on air.
âWhoah there, itâs alright,â Steve said, turning you around and putting his hands on your shoulders while bending down to catch your eyes. âI know this is a big change, and we both would rather be back home, but itâs not safe there anymore. Remember I told you that, buttercup? Not like up here. The building is heavily secured and no helicopter could sneak in - the city has a million eyes. Youâre safe here, sweetheart, thereâs no need to worry that pretty, little head. Iâm gonna keep you safe like I always have,â he said, repeating what heâd been telling you over the last 24 hours as youâd moved across the country.
A penthouse in the middle of Manhattan, New York City. 8,4 million people right below you, crawling underfoot while you swayed up in the clouds, 1300 feet up in the air. Your worst nightmare a couple of months ago. Now, you didnât really know how to feel. You were so tired, and confused. Your memories of that horrible night were blurry blotches, and you fought between not wanting to remember all those atrocious images of blood splattering and bones breaking, and feeling so panicky over the black spots in your recollection it made your head all loopy.
âBesides, Bucky will be here with you, to keep you safe until I return to you,â Steve continued, a hand coming up to stroke your cheek softly.
Thatâs right, Steve was leaving. After everything that had happened, Steve was leaving, almost right this second. To catch the guys that were behind the attack on the mansion and see that theyâre put away, all so I can get back to you and the baby before itâs born, heâd said when youâd hidden your face in his chest and sobbed uncontrollably at him breaking the news of his departure.
You supposed you understood. He wanted the bad men in jail by the time you went into labor, so he could be with you from then on without worrying for your safety. You got the logic of it, it was now or never. It still terrified you. You needed Steve, and just when everything was going so well between you, he was leaving you. All alone in this huge, fancy penthouse in a city with millions of people. Okay, you knew you were being irrational and naggy and ungrateful. Steve had gotten you the most secure, safe and luxurious residence he could after the mansion, perhaps even more secure, under the ever watchful gaze of the city, breaking in would be even more difficult. Besides, Steve had apparently been their primary target that night, not you. So if he was out there hunting them hunting him, the target was off your back, collateral or not. Plus, Steve was leaving Bucky here for you.
Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes. There is no one in this world I trust more than him. He's the only one besides myself I would entrust with your safety. An old friend, the polar opposite of Steve. Scruffy where Steve was cleanly groomed, broody where Steve was charming, quiet where Steve knew the perfect things to say. You'd barely even spoken a word to Bucky, and he always seemed to have this glare directed your way, scrutinizing your every move with cold eyes under a heavy brow. Neither of you had seemed particularly pleased with the arrangement, but Steve had assured you Bucky was the sweetest, most nobel man out there, and that he would do this for you and Steve - no questions asked. Didnât change the trickle of ice that ran down your spine at the way Bucky assessed you, the coldness in his stare, and the way it put you on edge.
So Steve was leaving, and you were to be alone in this strange, new home with a man you didnât know. And you were seven and a half months pregnant. With Steveâs super enhanced baby. If you werenât so sure of the babyâs strength, youâd worry about an early labor from all the duress youâd been under these last few daysâŚ
Steve pulled you into his arms, careful not to squish your belly too hard, and kissed the top of your head while stroking a soothing hand up and down your back. You needed his touch so bad, had become so addicted to his constant physical connection, you were already dreading the withdrawals when he left. You already felt lonely.
âIâll be back before you know it,â he murmured into your hair, tilting your head back to tenderly kiss your lips. âYou be a good girl for me, and treat Bucky like this is his home too,â he murmured against your lips, making you shiver. It had been days since heâd fucked you, you hadnât had any time alone between moving residence and him planning whatever mission he was going on with his organisation. You were aching for him, body and soul, and werenât ready for him to go. You werenât readyâŚ
But he left either way.
And then you were at a complete loss. What were you supposed to do in a penthouse all day without Steve? You couldnât take walks like on the vast lawns of the mansion with the soft, perpetually green grass under your bare feet. The penthouse was huge, sure, and two stories, with several enormous bedrooms with private bathrooms and a sitting area on the second floor and big kitchen and way too big living room on the first, along with a personal spa, a private cinema, guest rooms, personal gym and more bathrooms. Nearly the whole apartment had floor to ceiling windows, making your slight vertigo a constant with how the looming, chaotic city below and endless sky above. And you, floating in the middle. Your only option was to go down all those levels and walk in the city. Could you even do that?
A knock on the door had you slowly emerging from your thoughts, sitting on the edge of your new bed in your new bedroom, the sheets unrumpled and made up exactly like a hotel. How long had it been since Steve left? Five minutes? Five hours? You turned around to see Bucky standing in the opening of the cracked open door, shoulders almost as broad as the doorway.
âIâve prepared some food for you,â he said, leveling you a very evaluating stare you tried not to shrink under.
Food. You had no appetite, your stomach full of dark, messy feelings and a restless baby. But you always ate when Steve prepared your meals nowadays, so you should probably do it when Bucky did too. You gave a little nod, and the brunette didnât wait around for you to walk together down to the first floor of the penthouse.
Down in the kitchen, the aroma of creamy sauce and garlic filled your nose, and you tried opting for a seat at the kitchen island before realizing you just couldnât get up with your belly. Bucky was loading up plates by the stove, and turned in time to see you wobble on your feet as you tried hiking yourself on the high bar stool. Your cheeks were hot with mild embarrassment as you instead opted for the dining table right next to the kitchen, sighing in relief as you got the weight off your bloated feet. They were already starting to hurt like hell, and Steve hadnât been gone even a day yet.
Bucky appeared a moment later and put a dish down next to you. Pasta with mushrooms of some kind, a cheesy cream sauce and small pieces of bacon. The aroma was mouth watering. Bucky took the seat across the table from you as you picked up the utensils and started eating. You could scarcely stop the moan escaping you as you took your first mouthful.
âThis is delicious,â you said between the next bite and the one after, already shuffling the food into yourself in a rather unmannered way. It took you a while to realize Bucky had neither answered you, nor moved a muscle, his own steaming dish of pasta untouched before him. A ping of unease flared to life inside you.
You looked up to meet his gaze and nearly winced at how cold his eyes were, pinning you with a look that could only be described as scrutiny. Your muscles seized, a premonition blooming. That wasnât the look you expected, and definitely one that you liked.
âWho are you?â he asked.
âW-what?â you answered after nearly choking on your food. Youâd introduced yourself only a few days ago, had he forgotten? How did the room suddenly feel colder, Buckyâs cool, steel eyes raising goosebumps along your skin in a flair of nerves.
âWho do you work for?â he asked.
âIâŚI donât have a job anymore, Steve, um⌠I quit,â you answered, confused, trying not to focus on how youâd gotten out of your last job at that local yarn and handicraft store in your hometown.
âThere is no point in feigning innocence here, Iâll get your file any minute now,â he said, and that threw you for a loop before your unease doubled. Your breath was speeding up, getting choppy.
âYouâre running background checks on m-me?â you asked. What the hell was he suspecting you of doing? You hadnât meant to do anything wrong, couldnât remember having done anything wrong.
Bucky didnât answer your question, just sat there while his meal turned cold.
âIf you have anything to confess, I suggest you do it now, before I get the intel,â he warned you instead.
Your heart was picking up speed, your stomach restless both from a sudden nausea and the kid squirming around. Steve had said Bucky was noble and trustworthy, but here he was being all threatening and cold, and you were locked into this apartment alone with him. The sudden feeling of danger made your head spin, and your mind wandered back to that night.
-sudden lights at the window, your body moving too slow under all its extra weight, your heart in your throat -
Bucky leaned forward in his chair somewhat.
âWhat are you planning on doing with the baby? What is your plan for Steve?â
Hot tears sprung from your eyes like a sudden faucet, and a violent sob burst from you.
-hot, sticky blood raining down on your face in patters, the mortified gurgling sound of a throat ripped apart -
Your chair toppled over as you jumped up, driven by a flash of adrenalin, and you groaned as your joints protested the sudden movement with pain.
âIâŚwhatâŚn-no, he was the one who..I tried to say no, I never wanted - I didnât want -â
Your throat closed on another sob, your lungs burning and you just couldnât draw enough breath into them, panic making you suddenly dizzy. Your thoughts were running too fast, a voice in your head yelling at you to not say anything bad about Steve, about how he got you to the mansion, about how he got you pregnant.
You swayed dangerously to one side, your feet numb and weak, and for a split second you registered Buckyâs expression turning from suspicious and hard to something more concerned, a crack in his confidence. He got to his feet and clasped a hand around your upper arm. On second thought you shouldâve realized he was trying to keep you from falling flat on your face, but in the moment all you saw was the masked man whoâd tried to pry you from the closet in the mansion and drag you away.
Your reflexes kicked in, and before you knew it, your hands met Buckyâs chest with all the strength you could muster. Bucky did not fly across the room like the masked man had flown down the stairs - Bucky merely stumbled a step back - but the pure shock on his face registered in your mind even through your panicked haze. The half-open mouth, wide eyes and pinprick pupils, the color that drained several shades from his otherwise tanned skin and rosy cheeks. You might as well have flung him to the moon.
Your mind cleared slightly from its dizziness as you realized the babyâs inherited strength had charged yours once again, but your breath was still too short, too fast, the oxygen rasping up and down your esophagus before it could even reach your lungs. You were going to die, your mind thought with a pathetic little whimper.
âWhoah, easy,â Bucky said, taking a step forward with his hands raised in surrender, worry alight on his features where suspicion had been only a minute ago. âBreathe, câmon breathe,â he said, gently stepping up to where you stood frozen in place, doing all you could to keep conscious as your head started pounding from the pressure and lack of oxygen. You watched as he brought one hand up to cradle your elbow, and found yourself reaching out your own hand to cling to him, grabbing on to his arm with your nails first. It somehow helped, if only a fraction, the warm, real, corporal feeling of his flesh working as a lifeline to keep you rooted to the earth, to reality, to consciousness. Your feet moved on their own, staggering a step closer to grab his other arm with your hand.
Help me, please, help, you thought with desperation as your irregular breaths got fractionally deeper.
âThatâs it, breathe for me,â Bucky said as he let you draw closer to him, your nails digging into his skin through the fabric of his shirt. He looked into your eyes, his own calmer now than before, gentler, staring into yours so hard it forced you to focus through your panic, noticing with increasing awareness the speckle of green in his irises, how the light caught the blue, how his pupils slowly expanded as your breaths got longer and more even.
âThatâs right, good girl,â he murmured, when at last your breath evened out and you could pry your stiff fingers from where they were stabbing into his forearms.
God, you needed a hug. Your feet felt like jello, there was a stab of pain in the back of your neck. You were going to have such a gnarly headache. And you needed a hug, your nerves hanging on by a frail, frayed thread. You needed Steve, but he wasnât here, so you needed a hug, and the burly figure in front of you seemed like he gave great, big, warm ones.
Leaning forward, you slumped against Bucky, your face smushing into his chest, not caring that he was a practical stranger and that heâd just accused you of being some secret, evil succubus spy. Bucky stiffened noticeably as you practically fell into him, but then his arms came up to wrap around you, steadying you with an air of politeness.
Youâre sure the moment was exceedingly awkward, but you were suddenly so overwhelmed and tired and filled with grief you couldnât even feel it. Bucky was warm, like a furnace, so incredibly warm.
You were halfway into exhausted slumber by the time Bucky gently pried you away from his chest, and you barely kept the disappointed mewl from slipping past your lips. You looked up into his eyes, and saw tension there, intense and concentrated, along with unmistakable curiosity, still a little tainted by suspicion. But he asked you no further questions, simply said âletâs get you upstairs so you can restâ and then tugged you gently along back to your room and into bed. You were slipping into unconsciousness when you felt the bed dip, the silk sheet being draped over you and a gentle squeeze to your shoulder.
§
You awoke to the gentle rap of knuckles on your door and the smell of chamomile tea. You were still in the same clothes, sheet draped over you, and you blinked bleary, exhausted eyes open to see Bucky standing in the doorway with a tray in his hands.
You sat up and smiled a little as he made his way over to the bed, though you werenât quite brave enough to meet his eyes. He put the tray down beside you on the bed and lingered.The tray had a mug of tea and a salad that looked delicious, with a wide variety of greens and cheese, nuts and seeds and a dressing of some kind. It looked like the perfect textbook snack Steve wouldâve prepared for you. Heâd probably given Bucky list upon list of things to give you and make sure you did while he was away. Steve and his imperious ways. You couldnât help smile at that, your heart aching for him, feeling that Steve wasnât too far away for a tiny moment.
âHowâre you feeling?â Bucky asked.
âBetter,â you said, truly feeling better in that moment, and patted the bed for him to sit and join you. You needed to get along with Bucky if he was Steveâs best friend.
You dug into the food, feeling famished. You felt Bucky watching you, and forced yourself to not lock up. You could feel the questions hanging in the air between you, but if you just pretended everything was fine, maybe heâd forget about asking them. You didnât know how much Steve would allow you to tell aboutâŚwell, anything.
âCan I ask you something?â he said after a minute of silence as you ate and sipped from your tea.
Oh crap, here we go
You dared to look up at him, meeting his baby blue eyes for a second before giving him a tiny nod and continuing to eat.
âYou said something beforeâŚdownstairs, when I asked what your plan for the baby and Steve was,â he started. He was speaking softly, no accusation in his tone whatsoever, but your heartbeat still sped up in your chest.
Scrambling, you tried to remember what youâd said. That whole ordeal was a blur, you couldnât remember much outside feeling you were going to die from lack of oxygen.
Trying to keep your breathing in check, you raised a shoulder, trying for relaxed and feeling much too stiff, hoping against hope that Bucky would just let it go.
âYou said that Steve was the one whoâŚsomething, and that you had tried to say no. That you didnât wantâŚsomething,â Bucky said, sitting unmoving on the edge of the bed. You didnât dare meet his eyes, afraid heâd see something in them you didnât mean to show. Afraid you would betray Steve in some way, a sickening pulse of guilt wracking through you. âWhat did you mean by that?â Bucky asked after several long, silent seconds.
You tried opening your mouth to speak only to choke on your own spit, swallowing painful before opening your mouth again.
âI didnât mean anything. I donât know what youâre talking about, I didnât say - I didnât mean anything with it,â you stammered out, and bloody hell, you didnât even believe yourself in that moment, all sweaty hands, flaky eyes and trembling voice.
Please donât ask me anything more about it, youâll ruin everything
You knew without looking that Bucky didnât believe you, he was way too quiet for that, unmoving, assessing you, scrutinizing your crumbling appearance.
Why canât you just let it go?, you thought desperately.
The food youâd just consumed churned in your stomach.
âAre you sure?â you heard him say, and you stared down at your hands in your lap, giving him a tiny, unconvincing nod.
Just leave it, please.
Bucky got up from the bed, the mattress aligning itself without his weight, and stood by it for a moment. You kept your gaze lowered, forcefully holding your anxiety down in order to keep what suspicions you could at bay.
âIâm going out to the city for an errand. Would you like to join me?â he asked.
You couldnât help how your face shot up in surprise, how your eyes widened as you processed his words.
âWhat?â
Bucky looked you dead in the eyes, still scrutinizing, but he shifted on his feet as though a bit uncertain of himself.
âWell, Steve told me you liked to walk around the garden of his estate, and he insisted I try and keep your daily routine as unchanged as possible. If you were used to walking a lot, this apartment isnât really big enough for that, so I thought you could join me in the city to get your steps in. We could take a turn around central park if youâd like,â Bucky said.
Walking. In the city.
You shook your head a little. No, you couldnât do that. Were you even allowed? You doubted Steve meant for Bucky to take you into the city when he said to keep your routine unchanged. Still, an aching flare of need burst to life in your chest. Going outside. You wanted to go outside, to feel the breeze on your face, smell the rose garden, to listen to the birds. You knew you wouldnât find much of that in New York city though.
âI donât know,â you admitted, the need to get outside the glass cage that was the apartment warring with your uncertainty of being with all those people in the streets below. Things had not gone well the last time youâd done that. All that time ago, before things had become so good between you and Steve. Before heâd made you see you werenât cut out for being independent. That you would be so much happier with him. Under his protection.
âOh come on, it wonât take long, weâll go as slow as you need,â Bucky said, and though his tone was lighter now, his eyes didnât relent in their careful assessment of you.
Would he become more suspicious if you refused? You feared it. What normal woman would suddenly refuse to go for a walk if that was what she was used to? Maybe Steve wouldnât mind. Or maybe you just desperately wanted to be somewhere else but inside the apartment all the way up in the sky like this, perched and dizzy.
âOkay,â you finally conceded.
You tried for a smile as Bucky bid you to meet him by the private elevator on the first floor in fifteen minutes.
The tiny hope that Steve wanted you to take walks down on the NYC streets soon died as you went through your closet and realized there was no coat nor any real shoes in the wardrobe Steve had curated for you. Uncharacteristically driven to succeed at your prerogative though, you put on a double pair of socks and the flat strappy sandals from way in the back of the closet, dorned your thickest cardigan and made your wobbly way downstairs.
Bucky was waiting by the elevator, checking something on his phone. A phone. How long had it been since youâd seen a mobile phone? He put it away as you approached, smiling as he lifted his gaze to you. His smile quickly turned to a frown as he looked over your outfit.
âItâs way too cold out for that, Iâll get your coat, and you should probably put on some boots,â he said, moving to go past you. Your hand shot out and landed on his chest, halting him.
âN-no, I, uh, I havenât got any,â you blurted. His warmth burned through the layers of his sweater, distracting as your palm absorbed the heat.
His eyes narrowed on you.
âYou havenât got a coat or shoes?â he asked, and you just knew youâd revealed the wrong thing. This looked so bad.
âNo, I do,â you lied,â Steve mustâve just forgotten to pack them when we moved, it all just happened so quickly, you know,â you said, smiling a little up at him, hoping he would back off at the reference to that night. âAnyway, I prefer these sandals. Bloated feet and whatnot.â
Bucky leveled you with his narrowed stare for a few seconds longer, probably weighing your words with whatever he could read on your face.
âAll right, but Iâm getting you one of my jackets. Itâs a chilly day and I donât want to risk your health,â he said sternly and made a beeline for his own room.
You breathed a sigh of relief, belatedly realizing he couldâve cancelled the whole outing outright because of this. You were suddenly quiteâŚhappy he didnât. You were excited to go out, you realized, eager almost. And nervous, so nervous the baby was getting increasingly restless within you, moving about in your belly as you waited for Bucky to return, staring at the elevator doors in front of you.
You almost didnât hear Bucky return with the way your blood pumped in your ears, not until a leather jacket was gently draped over your shoulders, the smell of a spicy cologne and well worn leather wafting into your nose. Not unpleasant, you realized as you insinuated your arms into it and brought it around yourself.
âSorry, this is the only thing I have that I thinkâll fit around yourâŚum, well everything,â Bucky said, hesitating as he gestured vaguely at your belly and you noticed the faintest of pink dusting his cheeks.
How thoughtfulâŚ
âThanks,â you said, closing the zipper at the front of the jacket tightly over your belly. It was snug, but it did indeed fit. Your outfit couldnât have been more uncoordinated if you tried, with your woolen socks and strappy sandals, an ankle length satin dress and big, black leather jacket. But you didnât care. You were going outside.
Adrenaline started pumping in your system the second the elevator pinged and the doors opened, and you again fought to keep up appearances and you stiffly moved into the little steel chamber to be taken down to ground level.
Itâs perfectly normal to go outside, itâs perfectly normal to leave the house, thereâs nothing to be afraid of, you kept repeating to yourself silently, avoiding looking in the direction of your chaperone.
You did well, you thought as you stared at the display above the door counting down the floor numbers until it only displayed a capitol âLâ for lobby. Ground floor. Here we go.
Only, when the elevator doors opened, and there were several people waiting to ride it up, just standing outside, minding their business, not even looking at youâŚyou couldnât move.
Something was wrong, this was all wrong, you shouldnât be doing this, you knew you shouldnât.
In your peripheral vision, you noticed Bucky watching you, waiting for you to move ahead of him, observing even more of those things you were certain Steve wouldnât want you to show him. The baby kicked your ribs.
âCome on, little lady,â Bucky murmured, and a warm, gentle hand on your back carefully nudged you forward. Under the guise of being heavily pregnant (which you were), you slowly moved forward, out of the elevator, not brave enough to meet the eyes of the people waiting, but murmuring thanks to them as they moved out of the way for you and Bucky.
Your breathing was choppy, and Bucky moved you to the side as soon as you were out of the way of the elevators. There was so much noise in the lobby, people milling about, music from somewhere, some children somewhere screaming with laughter, and through the opening doors all the way on the other side of the vast voajer, the deafening roar of city traffic filtered in.
Steveâs voice was suddenly loud in your head. You canât make it out there, youâre too weak, too frail, theyâll swallow you whole, the voice whispered with finality, growing in volume, warping into a static roar. The laughter of the children turned to screams, the crowds noise became a deafening tsunami of sound, the blaring horns from cars hurting your ears as you squeezed your eyes shut and -
âHey,â Buckyâs voice cut through the noise like a knife, bringing you back to your body with a pair of strong, warm hands on your shoulders, like anchors on your mind. âYouâre okay,â he said, bowing his head to capture your gaze with his own.
You stared into his eyes, realizing you were about to spiral into your second panic attack that day, and that heâd calmed you down for the second time as well.
âWhatâs going on?â he asked, voice low and comforting, not drawing any attention to the two of you from the other people in the lobby.
âIâm, -â you rasped, realizing you were on the verge of hyperventilating, âIâm too weak,â you whimpered.
âToo weak for what? You look pale, is it the baby? Do you need to sit down?â Bucky asked, looking you over while keeping you from wobbling.
No, it wasnât the baby, it was never the baby. It was you, you were too weak.
âNo, the baby is fine, the baby is strong. Itâs me, Iâm too weak to make it out there on my own,â you nearly whined, eyeing the doors to the outside warily.
âWhat do you mean? Youâre not alone. Iâm here with you. And besides, you are strong, I felt it earlier,â Bucky said. You could tell he was sort of confused as to why he needed to give you a pep talk just to leave the lobby, but here he was. He put a hand on your belly, and the warmth of his palm could be felt through the layers of clothing, even through the leather of his jacket. The touch grounded you even more, sharpening your focus. You looked into his deep, earnest blue eyes. âYouâre protecting the little one, right? You are his or her momma bear, and he or she gives you the strength and courage to do it, right?â
You stilled at those words, felt them absorb into you, felt them settle neatly somewhere deep inside you.
ThatâsâŚright. Thatâs it. Your baby gave you strength, unnatural amounts of strength, and you needed to protect your baby. Only you could protect your baby, you could feel it, deep down in the marrow of your bones, a deep-rooted unwavering certainty that could only be some instinctual thing inherited from all the mothers that came before you. How had you not noticed that before? How did Bucky manage to find the words that somehow unlocked that knowledge? Or maybe itâd been there the whole timeâŚ
Like a fog, the panic and anxiety lifted slightly from your hazy mind, and you laughed. Suddenly, a bit shakily, and incredibly embarrassed.
âIâm sorry,â you said, wiping at a few tears that escaped your eyes. You hadnât even realized you were on the verge of tears.
Bucky smiled warmly.
âNo need. I canât imagine what all those hormones are putting you through, but if looks rough, I gotta tell you that. Now, how about we get on with the mission, if youâre still up for it?â he said, taking his hand off your belly and squeezing your shoulders reassuringly once before retreating them both from your form.
You nodded.
Your baby gives you strength, you protect your baby, you repeated in your head again and again as you followed Bucky to the doors. Though not a miracle cure, you found yourself steadily moving out the doors, into the streets, down the sidewalk, across to the next street and then on.
It was like watching yourself from outside your body. Here you were, just six weeks shy of your due date, walking the streets of New York city like a normal person. You kept expecting the world to explode, but it didnât. You kept expecting the people meeting you on the street to brandish clubs or knives or needles to hurt you with, but they all pretty much ignored you.
Suddenly, Bucky had finished his errand and you found yourself waddling around Central Park with Bucky, breathing in the fresh air, listening intently for the bird song. You kept on the lookout for rose bushes to smell, but found the worm leather of your jacket made a surprisingly nice replacement. A child gave you a grin that lacked a front tooth and excitedly pointed at your belly before her mother pulled her away, scolding her for being rude. You couldnât help waving at her and smiling as she was dragged away, looking back to find Bucky watching you, his eyes gentle, but guarded. Heâd kept a close eye on you ever since leaving the apartment building, but strangely, you found yourself pushing the worries for what he might be thinking far away.
You hadnât felt this calm in days. The breeze was gentle and cooling on the exposed skin of your face, your leg muscles thrummed pleasantly from how long youâd walked and the open sky above you made you feel like you could finally breathe properly again. You suspected Bucky might be part of why you felt so safe to just enjoy these sensations right now, but his words from earlier hadnât stopped shining like a lighthouse in the back of your mind.
The baby gave you strength, and you would use that strength to protect your babyâŚand yourself. You had come to realize youâd already done that in the past. When that man had grabbed you from the closet in the mansion, you hadnât freezed and cowered and yielded to whatever violence heâd dish out. You had defended yourself. Youâd used the strength the baby gave you and protected you both. How had you not seen that as a reason for confidence before now?
Who knew how long those words could keep your anxiety at bay. For now, you made the most of this uncommon calm and said virtually nothing to Bucky for the rest of the walk before he took you back to the apartment complex.
The minute the elevator doors closed and locked behind you, and you reluctantly gave Bucky his leather jacket back, the threatening gloom of fear began to sink over you. You raised your chin, repeated your new found mantra to yourself and reflected on a new found experience you hadnât believed possible. You had just been out almost all day in New York city, one of the busiest and most dangerous cities on the planet, and nothing had gone wrong. Fretful hope bloomed inside you. Maybe, just maybe things could work out for you. Maybe you didnât have to be so scared shitless all the time. Hadnât you lived and managed on your own before? In another life, all that time ago? Hadnât that been you on your own for years before Steve entered your life?
You wobbled over to the couch, sighing deeply as you finally got your weight off your feet. Amazing as it was to feel the ache in your legs from muscles well spent walking, you could already feel all the aches in your body that Steve usually kept at bay with his massages, start to grow - beginning in your feet and lower back.
SteveâŚ
Just the thought of him had you aching in an entirely different way. God, you missed his hands on your skin, how he fired up this all-consuming need in you, made you desperate for him. You were wound embarrassingly tight already, backed up in a way that was hard to ignore.
Before you could fall further into that line of thought, Bucky entered the living room. One look at him had your pleasant mood shifting.
âWe need to talk,â he said.
#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers fanfiction#in the balance#steve rogers fanfic#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#steve rogers x y/n#dark!steve rogers x reader#dark!steve rogers fanfic#dark!steve rogers#dark!steve rogers smut#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky barnes fic#bucky x reader
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GIRRRLLLL ur killing me with that Part 3! It was heavier than Part 2 and my thoughts are fucked so take resposibility and make that Part 4 HUHUHU. Ranâs part killed me for real like the way he cried but need to stay strong for her wife im dead :(((((((
I have had so many people jump down the ask path for a part 4 so FINE! (I'm being fake, I love the response to this.)
But I'm not promising anything other than angst. And maybe a little fluff.
Hand Her Over (Part 4): Rindou Haitani/ Kakucho Hitto x Fem!Reader
wc: 1k
tw: angst, fluff
masterlist
Hand Her Over Megapost
Rindou Haitani
Rindou's sobbing like a baby. He's wiping away the blood on your lip, trying not to press too hard on the wound. Your tears have dried up, but every now and then, you hiccup and Rindou braces for another flood.
"It's okay," he whispers shakily, trying not to betray his anger. "I'm here."
"You weren't here," you breathe, hiccupping and breaking into a new round of sobs. "You weren't here when he--"
"I know," Rindou croaks. "I know. But I'm here now."
You both were broken, you physically, Rindou mentally, but now he's trying to make it better. Your bruised eye is swelling, but Rindou's given you ice to place around the wound. "Just keep the ice there," he murmurs, leaning you back on the bed and placing a pillow underneath your knees. You stare off into the distance as Rindou gives you a kiss on the forehead, but you flinch at the contact, and suddenly, he wants to scrub his skin raw.
Under the spray of the shower, he does just that, rubbing his skin over and over and over again until he feels just as raw as he feels on the inside.
Bonten is nothing to him now. Bonten is nothing and no one and he's not even part of this charade anymore. When he emerges from the steaming hot shower, he rejoins you in the bedroom. You're not asleep, but you are laying horribly still.
"I'm sorry," Rindou finally says, standing in the middle of the room with the stupid towel around his waist. "I..."
"I hate you," you breathe.
"What?" Rindou gives you a chance to retract the statement, a chance to recant.
"I fucking hate you!" you scream, throwing the half-melted bag of ice at him. "I hate you!" You keep screaming, getting out of the bed and storming toward him. Your fists are flying, but Rindou blocks them easily. This enrages you even more, but you've blown through your endless reserve of anger, and collapse on the floor in a heap of tears.
Rindou doesn't know what to do. He stands still, trying to figure out what to do, but he's frozen to the spot in front of his broken wife and his broken marriage. Rindou wants to apologize again, but that wouldn't mean anything. He'd have to go back in time and prevent all of this from happening.
"You don't mean that," he murmurs, stooping low to touch your shaking shoulders, but you scoot away from him, hiding your reddened face in your arms.
"I wish I never met you."
Kakucho Hitto
"I normally don't do this," Kokonoi murmurs, licking his fingers and shifting through the stack of money. Occasionally, he pulls out a larger bill, but then he continues to count the ones in his hands. "But I'm not pleased with the recent turn of events. Manjiro has gotten out of control." Kakucho stands by your side, holding your shaking hand. "I don't like going against the boss."
"I know," Kakucho replies grimly. "I'm grateful that you're doing this for us."
"Yeah," Koko mutters, tapping the bills on the table and then placing a rubber band around them. He slaps the cash down, the pile joining another stack of bills set out for you. "So, what else do you need?" Kakucho looks at the money, then looks up at Kokonoi with a blooming sense of hope. "Ah," Kokonoi snaps his fingers. "New identities."
He rustles through his desk, then pulls out two passports. He opens them and looks through the information before handing them to Kakucho. "Citizenship is not guaranteed, but you can go plenty of places unseen and unbothered with those."
"Business or pleasure travel?"
"Pleasure," Kokonoi states simply. "Always pleasure." Another sigh from Kokonoi's lips as he thinks. "That's all I can do for you two."
You inhale sharply. "What about the--" Kokonoi's phone buzzes loudly on the desk. He looks down at the screen and his face drops.
"It's Manjiro."
You flinch at the name, and Kakucho grabs the money, placing the stacks in his jacket pocket. "Let's go," he whispers in your ear, and you nod, letting him turn away and take you with him. When you get into the car, you're almost brought to tears by the thoughtfulness and kindness Kokonoi has shown you. He didn't even have to, really. But he did.
Kakucho sits behind the wheel and sets things in motion, driving away from the non-descript building. You lean back in the seat and sigh, praying that the trip would go without incident.
"Where to?" Kakucho wonders as he drives through the streets.
"The airport," you answer, unsure of what he means.
"I know," he begins, looking at you in the rear-view mirror with a soft gaze. "Where in the world do you want to go, Carmen San Diego?" You giggle, if that were even possible at this point in your life.
"Should I just pick a place on a map?" you wonder, and he laughs, reaching into the glovebox. When he tosses a map back at you, you look up at him in shock.
"Pick a place." Just as you open the atlas, Kakucho's phone begins to ring. The number is blocked, but despite your hesitation, he answers on speakerphone.
"Hello?"
"You have forty-five minutes to get out of Japan," a raspy voice echoes. Kakucho grunts. "I've bought you just enough time to get the hell out of here and to not turn back."
"Takeomi, we--"
"Don't ever come back." The line goes dead, and you stare, wide-eyed at Kakucho. But he doesn't say anything. He just tosses the phone aside and starts to speed up.
"Pick a place, my love."
The place you've picked is remote and yet, strangely familiar. You've read about it in books, but never seen it up close and personal. "You're about ready to pop," the flight attendant jokes as you walk onto the plane. "Will you be comfortable in that seat?"
"Certainly," you reply, settling into the reclining first-class seat with a sigh. "This is better than the alternative." Kakucho reaches across the aisle and holds your hand, smoothing his thumb over your knuckles.
"I love you," you mouth, resting easily. Kakucho kisses your hand, and you're eased to sleep with the turbulence, thankfully.
"New Zealand, huh?"
"Yeah," you breathe, smiling. "Not far enough?"
"Oh, no," Kakucho smirks. "That's perfect."
#tokyo revengers#tokyo revengers x reader#rindou haitani x reader#rindou haitani#kakucho hitto x reader#kakucho hitto
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Ĺźmija i have a possibly slightly stupid question: how did you start working out? i genuinely enjoy physical exercise and i want to gain some practical strength, have more fun with life and get into the habit of exercising regularly before i go on testosterone but i never know how to start and because of that im scared about doing the exercises wrong and hurting myself in the process. should i just sign up for a gym and try my best?
nothing stupid about this question at all, worry not. the main question you need to ask yourself is simply: what do I enjoy? what do I like doing, what feels good?
there's nothing worse than a workout that feels like a chore, that frustrates you, one that you'd rather not do. there will be, of course, days when your usual beloved exercise will loom over you and the very thought of doing it will annoy you, but those are - and should be - a minority. life's too short to commit to something unpleasant.
for me the answer to this question was that I like swimming - and that I like challenging myself in a way that doesn't bore me.
I hate routine. I hate repetition, I hate predictability, I hate plans and having to do something in a very set way at very set times. while working out of course necessitates a certain level of compromise when it comes to this, at the core of my approach lies switching it up and combining things when they can be combined so that they feel less boring.
so I go swimming when I can, that's simple. then I get some simple exercises I can do at home in - ones I hate on their own because they bore me, like sit-ups and pushups and all other sorts of ups and downs and outs and arounds - while there are other boring yet necessary things happening. so when I wait for the pasta to boil, for example. or when I floss, or when I wait for the hair rinse to cool down or for the lotion to get absorbed by my skin, or when I want to clean the litter box but urwis decides he absolutely must poop and play archeologist at that very moment. the idea is to make it less boring and to get a lot of movement throughout the day, even if in very short sessions.
and yes, if you can afford it, absolutely start going to the gym. this is again an answer to the boredom and routine problem that I had: going to the gym is already a separate event, a nearly ritual moment that requires different clothes, a different mindset, a different dedicated space that you enter and then leave. and you can make it even more fun by choosing a different playlist or podcast each time and getting yourself a small treat on the way to or from.
with gym equipment, if it doesn't have instructions on it (many machines will have those) and you don't feel like asking people how to use it (who amongst us likes to do that, really) it's simply a matter of a quick google check. even googling 'gym machines' will give you multiple answers and explanations on what's what, how to use it, which muscles are getting engaged, and what to look out for. leave the dumbbells and benches alone for now - focus on machines which let you choose weights and have your back when you suddenly feel dizzy or overestimate your strength. most of them will make a horrible noise if you give up suddenly half rep - but won't hurt you.
then just get on a machine of your choice and choose the lowest possible weight. it might feel silly sometimes, especially if you're a bit stronger on your own and the lowest weight doesn't feel like anything - but try a couple of reps with that lowest weight, especially if it's your first time using the machine. pay attention to how your muscles feel, how your breathing changes, how the tension works when you engage and when you return to the starting position. go slow, be mindful of your body, look at the muscles getting engaged if you're able to.
on your first visit, try out two or three machines. don't go wild, stay on the lowest weights - go home, sleep on it, check how you feel tomorrow. sometimes 30-40 reps of the lowest lowest weights on a machine that engages muscles you don't usually use too much will leave you absolutely sore.
check different machines out, switch them up, see which ones are fun and which ones engage the muscles you'd like to focus on. add a bit more weight next time. sort them into categories of your choice and divide your workouts between them.
take a friend if you can, it's always less awkward. bring water with you. eat! always remember to eat! take a closer look at your protein intake and adjust it if it's too low - your muscles will thank you.
and if it truly starts feeling tedious - change it. look for something else. this is something that you should enjoy, in whichever meaning of the word that you personally prefer. and best of luck!
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Kamu.kura or well Haji.me really⌠weightlifting arc once he realize, âwell shit Makoto certainly isnât 115lbs anymoreâ after trying to bridal style carry himđł
IM SO SO SO SORRY IT TOOK A LONG TIME IT MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST IM GETTING MY GROOVE BACK !!
ââ˘ââ˘ââ˘ââ˘â
Carrying Makoto to bed was no longer a strange thing, whether he would be sleeping or somehow unable to get there on his own..he didnât mind it at all, if anything he preferred being able to treat his partner like the prince he was.
He had a bunch of scenarios that used to be irregular at some point but soon turned into something he really enjoyed truthfully, being able to see this side of Naegi that no one else ever had, it was Hajimeâs guilty pleasure.
Changing his clothes after a lengthy meal that resulted in some spilling, easing him into a warmth bath while calming an ache in his stomach, watching the air heave itâs way out of his mouth with every breath, it was mesmerizing, he couldnât help but simply stare at the changes figure, the changes that he caused.
Hinata felt pride at that fact.
He calmly swept a piece of hair out of Makotoâs face, damp with sweat as it stuck to his forehead. His cheeks upturned when the younger male whimpered out a small burp, the sound being the only noise in the room aside from the heavy breathing and his boyfriends little murmurs of praise.
Makoto took Hajimeâs hand and placed the palm on his aching gut, ushering him to move it around and leant his head back onto the headrest when his request was fulfilled. Another gust of air slipped out of his lips, followed by a deep groan that came right from his chest.
âYouâre doing so well, baby.. I donât think thereâs anyone as handsome as you!â
He couldnât hold back the pink that rose up on his cheeks when the words flowed through his ears like a song of the gods, only fuelling him further.
He had to reel his head back to reality every few seconds, some primal voice in his brain urging him further to consume more of anything around him, physically knowing he couldnât take anymore. The outmost part of his belly was a soft pinkened colour even with the layer of fat over it, he had gone to his near limit.
A low belch forced its way out of his lips, feeling his pipe rumble with the force, giving some sort of inner relief to the building pressure in his stomach. His hums were soft and his breath was raspy, stuck to the couch like he had been glued to it.
âToo much..â
He raised his head to a little puff of laughter, seeing his boyfriend staring with mooning eyes that could be seen from yards away, he clearly enjoyed the sight in front of him. Pushing another burp upwardsâthe soda didnât seem like a wise decision now that he thought about itâMakoto ushered towards their room and stretched upwards, signalling two things. He wanted to be picked up, and he was horribly tired..
Hajime got up on his own feet, standing right in front of the beached male and wrapped his arms around his plush waist and gave a little tug upwards, feeling a twinge in his back and legs. That was new.
âHajime?â
He hasnât realized he had zoned out, keeping a solid hold around his hips as he lifted with seemingly all of his might, knees starting to wobble under him. Turns out, Makoto is much heavier when stuffed than regularly, which Hajime had never needed to notice..
Naegiâs eyebrows raised through his sleepy haze, looking down at the floor and his surroundings that werenât moving, why werenât they moving?
The supposedly strong manâs cheeks were bright red and he could feel some sweat forming on his neck just from holding Naegi up like that, huffing all his air out with a heave. A few steps over and his legs buckled, sending them both barreling down to the couch with a loud thump!
He had definitely noticed Naegi was getting much harder to carry the past few weeks, even the past few days..but not to the point where he couldnât even get a few steps over?!
Sprawled awkwardly across the sofa, Makoto groaned into his palm and gave a thick swallow, the contents of his stomach being quite agitated from the sudden downfall. Hajime was regaining his breath and taking a moment to rid himself of the pain in his legs and back. They took a few breaths and collected themselves, both sitting up in silence.
Makoto wasnât too sure what was going on, and Hajime was more embarrassed than heâd been in his entire life..what kind of dude fattens up his boyfriend and then canât even lift him? As hot as that really was..he liked doing it!
âHajime? What just happened?â
âUhm..Iâll get the blankets, we can sleep on the couch tonight..â
They seemed to have made a silent agreement that a gym membership would need to be renewed sometime very soon.
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Hello! Do you do multiple characters? If so can I ask for general dating headcanons for riddle, ace, and deuce? Thank you!
OMG??? OFC POOKIE YES YES!! RIDDLE, ACE N DEUCE HEADCANONS COMIN UR WAY ⥠IM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY TO THIS
â I'll be Lovin' you!
General Relationship Headcanons
content ; riddle, ace, deuce x gn!reader (separate)
tw : none !! hope you enjoy, dear âĄ
Riddle Rosehearts
⢠it was quite a sudden change for riddle - i mean, hed gone all his life, not a single relationship, with his mother practically breathing down his neck, rules upon rules - he..really wasnt prepared in the slightest
⢠but ever since dating you, and taking that leap?? oh, he wouldnt change a thing..
⢠whenever he sees you - in class looking out the window bored out of your mind, talking with your first year friend group, studying in the library, or sat by his side with a cup of tea in your hands? oh, he wishes he could look at you all day..he looks at you with so much adoration, he doesnt even realise hes staring, and his heart will swell - it feels like hes almost allergic and sick to this feeling, but the cure is you.
⢠he 100% lets you get away with a lot. favouritism much? but really, hed let you get away with..a lot, actually - with a light scolding, a hesitant ruffle of your hair, and a chuckle, he'll send you on your way - no punishment! but if it were anyone else (cough ace cough)? off with their head!!
⢠he always saves a slice of strawberry tart for you no matter what - and if theres no slice left for you? he'll share his - dont worry, he wont collar you for this.
⢠whenever hes stressed and students are getting on his nerves, he'll usually come to you for help on relaxing his nerves - just give him some cuddles and kisses, he'll be at tip-top shape in no time!
⢠hes always nervous to kiss you. no matter how many times youve kissed, he'll always get that cute blush that adorns his cheeks and reaches the tips of his ears, and he'll avert his eyes, hands growing clammy - hes so cute.
⢠he always tries not to get mad at you, but if he does? he'll apologise as fast as possible - hes trying his best, really! youll help him out, wont you? âĄ
Ace Trappola
⢠oh what a menace - ace is always dragging you two into trouble, no matter where you go, and usually it includes deuce as well. hey, this is what you signed up for!
⢠but ace is hilarious - theres never a moment around him thats sad, with all the horrible jokes and pranks he makes, and his loudness, hes never a bore to be around - he'll always brighten up your day.
⢠need a good listener? ace is here! sure, he may not look it, but he listens intently to anything - so if you're upset and just need someone to hear you out? hes your guy! or perhaps you saw something you liked, but couldnt buy it - but whats this? a couple months later, the exact thing is in your hands, gifted by ace, who wears an embarrassed blush whilst handing it to you.
⢠surprisingly hes more mushy than he seems - he loves to have some kind of physical contact with you always. pinky locking, hand holding, arm linking, just a hand on your shoulder, putting a hand on the small of your back to guide you through the hallways, or resting his head against yours, the list goes on forever, he lives for it. it reminds him that youre real and he was able to date you. ace "arm wresting just to hold hands" trappola
⢠if youre one to be really open with your affections, whew - he loves it, but have mercy on the poor boy, his heart cant handle it, he looks like he might just combust if you keep at it. (dont stop, he loves it a lot (; )
Deuce Spade
⢠oh spare the poor boy - deuce never expected he could land someone as amazing as you, and considering you know about his past? lady luck is really on his side..
⢠he tries to treat you as often as he can - he may not be incredibly rich like some in school, but he knows partners like to recieve gifts. but sometimes, he'll ask trey to help him bake you some of your favourite treats, and he'll gift it to you with a wobbly smile and shaky hands. âĄ
⢠he would protect you with his life - literally. hed do anything for you. hed walk through hell and back for you. if anything bad happened to you, hed never forgive himself. maybe thats why he sticks so close to you.
⢠hes so easily flustered..hes never been in a relationship, so you could surprise hug/kiss him? and hes ascending, heart palpitating, face red, body warm and shaky. hes stuttering out a 'why?' trying to hide his face, but he doesnt want you to stop ^^
⢠speaking of kisses..deuce always asks to kiss you before you kiss. no matter how many times youve done it, he still gets nervous and wants to make sure you do too. itll always start slow and hesitant, but as he gets comfy, itll become soft and full of love. sweet boy âĄ
a/n : AAAA IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM ANON âĄâĄâĄ
#ace trappola#twst#twisted wonderland#twst x reader#ace x reader#ace trappola x reader#twisted wonderland x reader#x reader#twst x gn reader#twst ace x reader#riddle rosehearts#riddle x reader#riddle twst#riddle rosehearts x reader#twisted wonderland riddle#deuce spade#deuce spade x reader#twst deuce#twst deuce spade
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Like a Boiled Frog (you don't even scream) [ch 3]
Start here! + previous chapter
Chapter summary: Hear a horrible story from Mikey's childhood. Play (more like fight for your life) some air hockey while interrogating him. Figure out he's a walking corpse. Meet Helpy :)
Warnings: I mean you can see the graphic imagery right there in the first paragraph lol. canon-typical violence.
Word count: 3920, but quite a lot happens
A/N: Im sorry if this ruins it for anyone but part of this au is that michael and henry have a good relationship lol. uh also the mention of the trope "Final Girl" is gender neutral. Don't have to be a girl to be a "Final Girl", promise
Taglist: @spirit-of-the-hollow (thanks for being so sweet, btw)
âAnd then I did the worst thing Iâve ever done in my entire life. I lifted him up to the bloody thingâs mouth,â Michael leaned down, pushing his face into your personal space in some half-assed effort to scare you, âAnd I do mean bloody, not in the British way. That wretched animatronic worked like a clam, opening and closing to look like it was singing. The jaw was spring-loaded. Popped his head like a balloon,â
Your gaze briefly flicked behind him to the garbage sculpture that had a balloon for a head, and you let out the breath you hadnât realized you were holding. This lungful of air hitting his face caused him to close his eyes and retreat from his little intimidation tactic. Yeah, your breath had to smell nasty right now, sorry man.
He violently raked a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath himself. Thankfully, despite the callous way he presented the facts, he didnât seem to be proud of this⌠accomplishment. You could see it in his eyes. He was just trying and failing to act tough and scare you away.
His hair was slightly off-kilter now. Yeah, that was a rug. Hmm. Weird, he didnât look old enough to already be balding to the point of needing one. But, from what youâve seen, he might be some kind of cyborg or something. If he âgot gutted like a fishâ and his eyes glowed in the dark.
âHe died in the hospital not even a day later...â
âOh,â was all you could offer.
 His tone had been angry, but you could perceive that it was more with himself than anything. Which you could understand, youâd be incredibly angry with yourself if you were responsible for the gruesome death of a child. Damn. You clumsily put a hand on his shoulder in some attempt at comfort. Michael, in defiance of your expectations, didnât immediately try to shake it off. But he did glare at you briefly.
Silence settled over you two as you tried to gauge if he was going to keep adding on to this awful story or if heâd hit the limit on what he was willing to relive. You gently patted his shoulder. Michael looked back at you, mouth open like he was about to say something else, but then closed it in a deep frown. Alright, your turn then.
âI am so, so sorry⌠IâI donât even know what to say.â
âNo one ever does,â he chuckled to himself, as you used the hand that was already resting on his shoulder to pull him into a full embrace, âWhat areââ
He stiffened up, clearly not used to the physical contact. Thatâs okay, you werenât either. But you needed this. For some reason. It was a bit awkward, still being up on the stage, but that was okay too.
âMate, you donât have toâit happened 40 years ago, Iâm okay,â his tone had the annoyance of someone tired of telling the same old story.
You squeezed Michael a little harder. He was so cold, even in the summer heat. Probably because he kept it like an icebox in here.
âMaybe you donât feel like you need a hug after all that, Michael, but I do,â
You didnât even know him. But just the thought of something as horrible as this happening made your stomach churn. The worst kind of horror story: a real one.
He shook you off of him, brushing himself off as he left the stage.
âYou want to play some air hockey? I just fixed the machine this morning and need to test it out,â
Okay⌠So yâall are obviously done talking about this, apparently. You wouldnât hold it against him. You wouldnât want to keep talking about this either and would want a quick distraction like this too. Suppose this was technically him getting right back to work. Which was getting a little suspicious, like he was a little kid who was scrambling to do all the chores he procrastinated on because he could hear Daddy pull up in the driveway.
----
Michael fired up the machine and breathed a sigh of relief when it actually stayed on for more than a few seconds this time. He had in fact fixed it. Good. That wouldâve been embarrassing.
The machine hummed, providing some kind of background noise to cut the silence. Perhaps Mike would consider turning the radio back on over the PA system, if he wasnât planning on quickly smoking you at this little game and then shoving you right back out the door again. If he turned on the music, you might get the wrong idea and think youâre being welcomed.
You just... Needed to get out of here, okay? The longer youâre here the worse itâs going to get. Even though you were stubborn as a mule, you did seem to care about his brother in some capacity. It was probably a side effect of whatever manipulation that toy bear had used to get you in town, but caring is caring. Unfortunately, sentimentality had no place here at Fazbear Entertainment. As ironic as that statement is, the restaurant being a childrenâs birthday venue.
âSo, um,â you placed your hand over the mallet to draw it back towards you as it began floating away, âyou know how I mentioned, um, how Evan was, like, really scared of this one dude?â
âYeah,â Michael tossed the puck onto the table and almost violently hit it in your direction.Â
He wasnât pulling any punches, and he really didnât like where this conversation was headed.
âAnd that dude looks like you,â you barely managed to hit the puck back at him.
âYep.â He popped that P hard.Â
Michaelâs annoyance at grown-ups fussing at him and telling him how handsome he was going to be one day because he looked just like his father had blossomed into a full blown feeling of hatred and disgust as an adult. Especially if it was some stranger like you, throwing the fact in his face like that.
The puck zoomed to him, and he shot it straight into your goal. He was not even looking at you. It looked like he was just preoccupied with whether or not the scoreboard was actually displaying the right numbers, so you didnât hold it against him.Â
You took a breath, annoyed that your prompting didnât get a bite, âWell, would you mind me asking who that dude is?â
You tossed the puck back onto the table and sent it his way. You shouldâve held it against him, however, because he was blatantly avoiding your gaze on purpose, actually, cross that you were pushing this topic.
âI would mind, actually,â he once again took no prisoners, spiking the puck.Â
You narrowly escaped him getting a one-hit kill on you, âWell, normally I would respect that,â
âGood, then respect it,â he said through gritted teeth, trying to shut this whole conversation down.
âBut given the circumstances, I donât think I will, noâ
He hit the puck so hard it flew off the air table and rolled under a neighboring arcade cabinet. Shit.
âSo, are you his cyborg clone or something,â you watched as he shuffled down onto his knees to reach under the cabinet.
He sat back on his haunches, âWhat?â
âYou said Evan died 40 years ago, and you are very much not an old man right now.â
âThatâs because Iâm dead,â he said as if it were obvious, walking back to his battle station at the air hockey table.
Christ almighty. Is he⌠Is he doomed to run a pizza restaurant for all eternity or something? Because thatâs how these stories normally go. Someone commits an egregious sin, and theyâre cursed to walk the earth, righting their wrong. In his case, having accidentally killed his brother, he now has to make sure all the children at Freddy Fazbearâs have perfect birthday parties. Is this Utahn Chuck E Cheese rip-off his purgatory?
He once again tossed the puck back onto the table, sending your way in a flash, âBut youâre asking about my father. Our father.â he said this incredibly coldly.Â
And normally when people said âfatherâ and not âdadâ, there was a reason.
Welp, thereâs that one-hit kill. You didnât even register it, too wrapped up in this case now, like you were Fred Scooby Doo or something. Freddy Fazbear ScoobyâAnyway.
âI uh, I donât get the sense you liked him very well either, then,â
He laughed, that laugh that reminded you of said father, apparently, âYou could say that. The man is a homicidal maniac, Y/n. Iâm not exactly concerning myself with buying him the right tie for Fatherâs Day. Although, I did buy him one shaped like a fish as a joke one year, but his fashion taste is so horrendous he wore it like it was normal,âÂ
You clumsily hit the puck to the wall, and it lazily bounced between walls in a way that told you Michael was about to have to lean over the table to reach it.
Honestly, what were you expecting? Eh, thatâs not entirely fair to Mr. Coveralls Senior. You thought he was abusing his kids, sure, but âhomicidalâ is new territory. You could easily see how one could fade into the other, however.
Even more alarmingly, you couldnât help but notice the present tense.
Maybe Michael wasnât the only one doomed to walk the earth here, and the idea sent shivers down your spine.
Mike did in fact have to lean over the table to hit that puck straight into your goal once again.
âCome on now, I feel like youâre not even trying.â
âI feel like Iâm at an appropriate level of trying, all things considered,â even so, you redoubled your efforts.
You hit the puck as fast and as straight as you could get it. Unfortunately, he parried that easily, like he could do it in his sleep. Considering he might be bound to pizzeria arcades for all eternity, maybe he couldâve.
âWhat exactly do you mean by âhomicidal maniacâ,
âI mean that we still donât have a solid number on his victims, and letâs leave it at that. Just try not to be one of them, okay?â
You swallowed hard, keeping your eyes on the puck.
That did maybe provide some insight on Michaelâs renovation frenzy, however. Was Daddy pulling into the driveway soon?
âSo, like,â you managed to go four hits in before he won the point this time, âIâve noticed youâre working pretty hard. Is this whole⌠Family thing the reason you were up all night? Is this a âhammers ever ceaseâ type situation?â
âA what situation?â he effortlessly sent the puck back to you the second it was on his side again. No moments of respite when it came to air hockey, apparently.
âOkay see there was this lady, who had this house built with a bajillion rooms,â he raised his brow in playful question, âI canât remember the actual number on command, okay?â
He shot the puck into your goal ruthlessly, âsorry, continue,â
To be honest, as much as you were annoyed, you were just grateful to be interacting with another human being for as long as you two had been.
âAnyway, her husband and his father ran a rifle company, right, so when those two guys diedâplus their daughter also died as an infantâshe consulted a medium,â you once again had the opening shot, that he also once again deflected like second nature.
One goal, you just want one goal on this guy, itâs all youâre asking here.
âOh, weâre not a fan of those medium types around here, they like to break in and harass the ghosts, causing disreputable property damage,âÂ
âThe medium told her that she was cursed by the ghosts of all those who had been shot with those rifles they sold. And she told her to start adding on to her house, as a way to, I donât know, trick the ghosts or whatever. But the medium said that if the hammers ever ceased, then she would die. So, Mrs. Winchester hired enough workmen to be building at all hours, even through the night.â
âAs in, mother of Sam and Deanââ
âNo, not those Winchesters. This lady was real.â
Anddddd two more points and he wins. You know what, fine. You needed to use his phone to call a mechanic soon anyway. Assuming it isnât already past five. Suspiciously, Freddy Fazbearâs Pizzeria didnât have any clocks anywhere, just like a real-life adult casino.
âStrangely, youâre kinda not wrong about the family thing, but the reason Iâve been going non-stop lately is actually because I need this place open by Friday, for the Peach Days heritage festival.â
âOH, yeah that makes sense,â now less distracted, you hit the puck very fast. You were proud, even.
And you got one-shotted again.
âIâm really banking on this rush,â he raked a hand through his wigâsorry hair, âIâve maybe run out of moneyâŚâ
âMaybe?â
âSo, Iâve very surely run out of money,â
âYeahhh,â one more goal and he wins this, so itâs time for psychological warfare, âI can tell.â
âIs that so?â
��Yeah man,â you successfully parried his shot, âyou have trash sculptures on a stage. Youâre missing half the lightbulbs. And that ball pit over there is a cardboard box.â
âOkay, so I may have put a little too much of my funds into a certain project a little too soon,â YES, and now heâs too busy thinking about his project to hit like a demon anymore.
Even still, he had you scrambling to keep the puck out of your goal box, âWhat kind of project?â
Yeah, no. It didnât matter.Â
He spiked the puck into your goal one last time, triggering the end of game music to play from the scorekeeper, âYou want to see him?â
He sounded so excited. Alas, you had to go through the five stages of grief before you could return to playing your part in this conversation. You looked up at the big flashing 7-0 on the scorekeeper. Man, you didnât even stand a chance in hell of winning, did you? Fitting, considering you might be standing in a certain zombieâs personal hell right now.
âCome on, Iâve got to show you this,â
Always full of surprises, this Mr. Michael A. Coveralls, grabbed your hand and led you off to a backroom of the restaurant. And you followed obediently, like a big dummy. Perhaps you are not exactly âFinal Girlâ material⌠His hand was cold. Cold like the dead, you supposed.
----
You passed by a couple private party rooms as he tugged you into the third one, that he had co-opted into a workspace. The place looked all decorated and ready to go, if not for the scattered mechanical parts and smears of motor oil all over the table.Â
In the center of the table lied what you could only describe as The Birthday Boy. A colorful little robot bear, about the size of a toddler. Not activated, of course. Many parts were exposed still, wires sticking out of odd places.
âThis is Helpy,â
âAwww, Helpy,â that was so cute.
âYeah, heâs gonna be a real good helper,â Michael fiddled with the wires even as he spoke with you.
âDid you make this all by yourself?â
You adored robots, but could never in a million years design and build one yourself. That was a feat only dream-you could accomplish. You had plenty of talents, of course, but you had to admit engineering was not one of them. So, needless to say, you were pretty impressed.
âWell, the design is pretty derivative of the ones Uncle Henry used to make, as you can probably tell,â he motioned for you to sit at the bench with him so he could continue tinkering with the bear without someone standing over him, âbut yeah, other than that, Iâve built him from scratch.â
âDude. Thatâs so cool.â
He snickered, trying to hide the ego boost he got from that small little praise.Â
âHeâs only a little thing.â
Mike started messing with some kind of fuse box type thing, you didn't know. He was bending some wiring with needle nose pliers.
âHand me that tape?â
You obliged, giving him the roll of electrical tape that had been on your left, âNo, seriously man, I mean it, this is amazing. I wish I could figure out robotics.â
You propped your head up with your elbow, watching him work. He didnât notice you staring, too wrapped up in his project.
âYou couldâŚâ he trailed off, not liking how he almost offered to give you lessons.
That was⌠an incredibly selfish thought, just then. Sure, you were the first real person heâd gotten to really interact with since he burned down Fazbear Frights last year. Sure, you didnât appear to be put off by his whole deal in the slightest. Sure, you acted interested in his work. He should stop thinking about this. About you. You needed to be on the next bus out of Hurricane.
âHeh, nah, I donât think so. But thanks for being supportive,â you nudged him with your elbow.
He smiled at you sadly, before returning his focus to the part in his hands. He screwed the box back shut, having finished up the inside.Â
âI think Iâll be able to get him up and running by tomorrow,â
âOh, cool! Can I come see?â
Michael placed the tool in his hand back down onto the table with a dull thud. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to relieve some of the stress. It didn't work.
âNo, actually, you canât come see,â
âWhy? I promise I wonât be very distracting,â
âNo,â he said more firmly, more harshly, âYou have to leave.â
âIâm notââ
âYou have to get out of this town now before it swallows you, Y/n,â he grabbed your shoulder, making eye contact, âGo to Vegas, go to LA, go to Salt Lake even, I don't care. Just get in your car and leave.â
You just stared at him for a moment. You knew he wasnât wrong. You knew, at least for the last few hours of your trip here, that you had been walking right into some kind of ghostâs trap. Everything within you agreed on heeding his warning.
Alas, there was still one little problem.
âMy car broke down in your parking lot.â
He slowly closed those glowing eyes of his, letting go of you in favor of rubbing his temples. Of course. Of fucking course.
âBut youâre a mechanic, right? Fixing one little station wagon isnât nearly as complex as building robots, right? Iâm sure youâll figure out what's wrong with it and fix it easily. Ten minutes, tops.â you were aware you were rambling at this point.
â-
Yeah, no. It had already been way longer than ten minutes. Try close to an hour. You stood in the Utah heat, sweating and trying not to feel so guilty about taking up so much of Michaelâs time. You waited there, wanting to help but unable to provide anything more than handing him a wrench occasionally.
âOkay, so I think Iâve figured out whatâs wrong with it,â he wiped a bit of oil from his cheek, and you tried not to stare, âGood news is, the parts shouldnât be more than $300, if we get them used,â
You cringed, âohhh, uhhh, see now,â
âWhat?â
âYou know how you said you were out of money? Well, twinsies,â
âNot evenââ
âNo, I just paid rent, and rent takes up like 90% of my paycheck,â you felt the need to explain, embarrassed.
âOhh,â he sounded tired, âOkay.â
He once again slowly closed those glowing eyes and rubbed his temples. You felt really bad for the amount of stress you were causing this poor man. Zombie.
âYeah,â you stuttered nervously.
âThereâs nothing wrong with that, I know how ridiculous the housing prices are getting, itâs just that, well, that was the good news.â
âWhatâs the bad news?â
â...Why donât we go inside to talk, I canât be out here in this heat too long without consequences,â he started for the restaurant, with just a quick glance back to see if you were following.
Okay well now you felt even worse about all this, if that was even possible at this point.
You followed him into the pizzeria like a puppy nipping at his heels, âMichael. Michael. Whatâs the bad news?â
He leaned against the prize counter, wiping off his hands with a chamois. His hands were pretty rough, calloused, and yet dextrous, as you saw when he was working with the wiring.Â
âThe bad news was that there was no way I was going to have time to fix it before the weekend, so I was going to suggest calling some other mechanic to do it so you wouldnât have to stay here that long, but it looks like thatâs off the table now,â
âYeah, uh, youâre going to have to do it, no way I can afford some other guy,â
He looked at you with an expression you could only describe as a mixture of playful and exasperated.
âNOT THAT I WASNâT GOING TO PAY YOU,â
âItâs okayâŚâ he trailed off, staring off into space.
You were kinda worried he hurt himself outside earlier, with the sluggish way he was acting now. The silence stretched on. He was definitely just, thinking, that was all. You tried not to become too concerned, lest you start fussing over him. Something told you he wouldnât appreciate that.
God. What were you gonna do? You were broke. Your car was broke. Thankfully you had enough for a night or two in a seedy motel, but you were leaning more towards just sleeping in the car. Mike may not like someone camping in his parking lot but you needed to save what little you had so you could actually eat something. Maybe you could mooch off of the pizzeria, get Michael to give you the trash pizzas. Yeah.
He shook his head, sighing in frustration. Apparently whatever argument he was having in his head wasnât going well.
Michael chuckled to himself. You werenât sure what was funny.
âI cannot believe Iâm about to say this, but how would you feel about working the festival with me to pay for the parts?â
âAnd your service,â you looked at him sternly, âIâve caused you enough trouble as is, least I could do is pay for your time, sir,â
âDonât call me sir,â he raked a hand through his hair, a nervous tick, youâve noticed, âIt would actually be a big help, since, well, Iâm currently understaffed at the momentââ
âYou donât have any employees, do you?â
âI have two, thank you,â
You laughed, âThatâs not counting Helpy, is it?â
âNo, itâs not counting Helpy,â
âI suppose youâve got yourself a deal then, Mr. Coveralls,â
You held out your hand and he took it gingerly. You ignored how cold it was this time, focusing more on how it felt in yours. A firm, professional handshake, and the arrangement was sealed. You just hoped you hadnât just made a deal with a demon. A charming demon, but a demon, nonetheless.
âItâs⌠Itâs um.. Emily. By the way,â he stuttered.
âWhat?â
âMy last name⌠Itâs Emily.â
âOhâŚâ you smiled, âVery nice to meet you, Michael Emily.â
#fnaf x reader#michael afton x reader#michael afton#mike shmidt x reader#michael afton x male reader#fnaf au#fnaf fanfic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#my writing
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I just finished reading HFoG and oh. Oh. My. God. I need to rant (you can totally ignore this if you'd like).
First of all, the scenario you've created fits them so well. Brienne as a mechanic is an amazing idea. She's still doing something stereotipically male (and kicking ass) at best unnoticed and at worst cast aside as no one takes her seriously or they outright mock her. You've kept her under patriarchy's thumb, and also as a powerful, simmering force waiting for someone to turn up that heat!! What an excellent mirror to her situation in the books.
Second: the extremely high risks + high adrenaline + mightily physically demanding + high rewards of F1 is another excellent transposition of their survival/quest situation in the books. I feel like that, as a setting, is what makes it feel very genuine to them as characters. Your characterization is great too! They're slightly different to the books but still familiar (they would probably act like this in this more modern, more subtle flavour of a patriarchal society). I mean. just. Man. MAN.
Also, turning a bit more to Jaime: The way all the events unfold was incredible. We go steady, quite calm but with an undercurrent of stress and anxiety, building, some doubts, triumphs, more building, more triumphs and then BAM. The dreaded doldrums where we pick up the pieces of a horrible shipwreck. Jaime never getting to that P-1 absolutely broke me. I literally held my breath reading those paragraphs, where time stops for the whole circuit after the crash, and the heavy moment of silence before Brienne hears him over the radio... MAN. I thought you were going to give him at least one P-1 before he lost his hand, making it bitersweet already at that point, and when you didn't I was SCHOCKED. You held back on that element and it worked WONDERFULLY towards the end. JB'S P-1 felt so earned, so fought for. Talk about good storytelling. AAAAHHH!!!!!
I ate it up between yesterday night and all of today. I slept at most, like, four hours. I couldn't stop reading. Congratulations, honestly. I usually don't read fics this long (or leave reviews this crazy under anonimity lol) because authors tend to meander (not a bad thing necessarily but it does get tedious at this scale) but this was SO not the case. Every. single. paragraph. mattered. MAN!!!!! (man counter: IIII)
I know you're probably quite done with it (and what a fucking project you did, my god), but if you ever want to write about JB in that universe again I see myself forced to BEG YOU ON MY KNEES to do more of their radio banter in your missing scenes section. I absolutely love it, the subtle flirting, the encouragement, and the oopsies (Jaime forgetting to turn the radio off and accidentally exposing himself as a I LOVE MY CAR MY CAR IS MY GF guy is soooooo funny). Ugh. Swooning. It has started an itch I need to scratch so bad (I feel like im going crazy a bit ngl. Give yourself a big smacking pat in the back.) that I'm just going to start re-reading it for those parts and also to get that thrill that is there between them at the beginning which is also so good! And so yummy!!!!!
Ok im done now i think.
TLDR: xoxo mwah mwah mwah i loved HFoG i worship and kiss the ground you walk on, etc etc etc. im obsessed, great job!!
"ignore this"?! Are you kidding, anon -- I'm gonna print this out and wallpaper my bedroom with it. đđ
I have been re-reading this ask off and on all day, wanting to respond appropriately to make sure you know how much I so sincerely appreciate you taking the time to leave this for me, and I just don't know if it's possible. I'm just... man, I'm grateful. (Man count for this post going up!!!) Seriously though: thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm gonna be riding this high all week.
(Also, I fought with myself about allowing Jaime to win the World Driver Championship and then lose his hand, so I'm always glad to hear that that choice worked for others. It was the right thing to do, but wow did that hurt to put him through it, heh. And pacing of long fics is a thing I take very personally, so I am ALSO pleased to know that worked for you, too!)
Anyway. THANK YOU. I'm gonna go back to re-reading this comment, hee.
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Hello! I'm not sure if you do this so feel free to just ignore this request if you don't :]! Could I request a Reyna X trans! Male reader that already had his surgery but some people were mean to him saying his still a female (how would Reyna react to them, comfort reader, etc) have a great day/night!
I am always open for asks like this because I know how much comfort they can give people as well as it just feels nice to have something like this sometimes. I hope you enjoy it and will be writing it as both top and bottom surgery (though the focus will be top surgery for obvious reasons). This is not proof read as im still a bit sick and finished a book recently so rereading anything makes my brain soup so i apologize for any mistakes.
Reyna is no stranger to being different though she doesn't understand why it is such a big deal for some. As such she is as well read as she can be when it comes to queer issues, especially if they involve her partner or someone close to her. She may not be perfect but she is always willing to listen and understand. Since day one when you introduced yourself she had asked for your pronouns, a habit Gekko had gotten her into, and didn't ask any questions past that. At that point you had obvious defined hips, despite trying to hide them, and a notable bump in your chest as binders weren't perfect but she never questioned it. You called yourself a man so she did and when you came out to her you could tell the dots connecting in her brain as you spoke. If someone misgendered you she would just very bluntly correct them with a "he." then stare at them with those vibrant eyes until you folded. Reyna was like having a guard dog that, even if they disregarded your identity, made it hard for anyone to disrespect you to your face in her presence. As you two grew closer and became a pair she would get a little intrusive but well meaning. She would ask you about physical things ranging from affection to more intimate ones. How you wanted her to handle you or refer to you, if you were comfortable with her seeing you in certain clothing or ways etc. Reyna is a woman who likes to establish clear boundaries and does so with you so she can be the best girlfriend she can be while also making sure you are comfortable. If permitted she can be found at times stealing your clothes like most girlfriends would, favoring anything oversized or jackets. She never stops gushing about her partner and boyfriend, even talking about how her sister would adore you and probably see you as a brother. At the end of the day who you are at the surface doesnt matter to her as she cares more about whats under it all, appearances be damned.
Post surgery shes adorable and overbearing as you heal. She helps change bandages, drains, even helps you shower if needed. Her radiance lets her monitor your heart rate and body temp so at the first sign of any infection or inflammation shes right on top of it making you take medicine and rest. Once you're healed enough she is the first to nuzzle herself into your chest and sit in silence as she hears your heart beat, you breath, just you exist as a more full version of yourself thats hopefully happier being in your own skin. Given how supportive and loving she is she absolutely takes it HORRIBLY when people are still mean and cruel to you. She makes sure to over talk them with your pronouns and correct name, throwing compliments at you in there as well to make them feel absolutely smothered by her. Of course thats when you're there, when you arent shes snarling and threatening them in the way shes best at. Teeth bared shes asking them to repeat themselves, seeing how dedicated they are to their bigotry before tearing into them. If theres one things Reyna is good at its being scary and damn does she scare them into at least being politely silent. When it comes to comforting you shes your biggest fan already but shes admittedly a tad bad at it because she doesn't really get why they have to be like that. Before it made sense because maybe they slipped up or just weren't thinking but now that you've taken steps to masculinize yourself more she sees absolutely zero excuse. Reyna holds you against her and promises to make sure you don't have to hurt again, to weed out those that would treat you this way. She makes threats of ripping tongues out but calms herself to turn her attention to you. You're the one that was hurt by people to small minded to be accepting, being vengeful won't fix that right now. For as long as you need she is there, holding you and talking to you. She talks you into setting up a date where she introduces you to her family that accept you just as she had. She arranges shopping trips to get you more masculine clothes and even helps you donate your old binders to other trans youth. Reyna even pulls Gekko in to "help his big brother out" as theres just some things about being a man that she doesn't understand but knows having someone like him around would be helpful
#valorant x reader#male reader#transgender#transmasc#reyna x reader#reyna valorant#reyna x trans reader#trans male#valorant#valorant headcanons
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weird question, but since ur a zombie I need some help!
okay, so I'm writing about zombies and such and the actual physical symptoms of zombism are like vague. super vague.
I was wondering what your experience was?
idk wikipedia and all them are uselessssss, and I thought asking a zombie would just be easier than going and looking for 16th century whatevers.
so, if you don't mind what was it like? what sorts of symptoms did you have?
anyway thank you for reading your awesome!!!
omg hi im a bit late but this ask makes me so happy i love talking abt this stuff !!! :D i'd like to preface by saying i experience my kintypes in a way that sounds a lot like a past life but i don't consider that to be the case, i believe my memories are from some version of me in other universes/realities.
soo my response might not be the most helpful because i don't think i experience zombism in the way most ppl think of it? i wasn't infected or anything, i died a (somewhat) natural death & the next thing i knew i was kind of unknowingly digging myself out of my grave. i don't know how or why i was resurrected, if someone else did it, if i did it myself, if it was some kind of divine intervention, no clue. in the world i remember, zombies were a known phenomenon that hadn't yet been explained by science.
living people reacted to us in a lot of different ways, some kind of worshiped us and treated us like we were chosen by the gods or otherwise special, but most just thought it was weird/gross and tried to avoid us. a few ppl wanted to get rid of us because it was "unnatural and contagious" (it couldn't actually be transmitted like a disease, in my world at least), there was even a group of ppl who denied our existence entirely. it was also pretty common for medical students to (consensually, most of the time) practice their skills on zombies, kind of like they do in this world with corpses, but we were more convenient because it was really hard to kill us and we didn't really experience much pain, plus we could heal (to an extent), and we were pretty much immune to infection & other complications/side effects. i think it was also a way of gathering information for research since there wasn't much known about us or how/why we existed.
as for the symptoms & what it felt like - i remember when i first crawled out of the dirt the main thing i noticed was that my body was completely still. my heart didn't beat, the blood didn't flow in my veins, i didn't particularly feel the need to breathe or blink. i was just as disabled in that world as i am in this one, but after i died some of my disabilities didn't really affect me anymore. i wasn't in horrible pain in the way i usually am, i just felt like all of my skin was slightly bruised and there was a dull ache all over my body but it was easy to ignore, and my bones felt,, empty? my brainfog/dissociation got a lot worse though. all of my senses felt much more dull but i definitely still had them. it took more pressure for me to feel things touching my skin, my vision was cloudy and less colorful, i couldn't really smell or taste most things other than meat, blood, decay, dirt, mildew, etc. other smells/tastes would have to be really strong/intense for me to pick up on it at all. i was dead for about 3? days before i emerged, and i was buried in winter, so decomposition hadn't totally taken over yet. i did continue to decompose after that, but eventually i figured out that keeping myself fed (primarily with non-human brain matter & insects) would stop that process and sometimes even reverse the effects of it to an extent. if i went too long without feeding or if i fed on the wrong things too often i would feel really sick and my skin would get even more flaky. sometimes huge chunks of skin or even small body parts would fall off, but they could be successfully reattached by any doctor who was willing to work with zombies.
visually/appearance wise - i was more pale and my skin had a kind of light-grey-green-ish tint to it. the parts of me that fell off and had to be reattached ended up looking more purple-pink-ish for a while, but usually they'd go back to the grey-green color eventually. the whites of my eyes were more blue & my irises were dark grey. my veins were more visible through my skin and they were a lot darker, almost black. my natural hair color is brown and before i died i had my hair dyed black, afterwards the color just never faded and my hair didn't grow anymore so it didn't change much, but the areas where my roots were showing turned grey.
i can't rly think of any other specific things to talk about but if u have more questions or if u want more clarification on something i said here feel free to send another ask!!!
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Hi there,
i wanted to ask for a BG3 and marauders matchup if thats okay :)
Here's the stuff:
Gender:
agender (afab if that matters lol)
Pronouns:
He/they/she
Sexuality:
Queer (i like men and women and nonbinary people lol but labels always feel wrong)
Appearance:
5'7, bit chubby, shoulder length brown hair that i usually tuck behind my ears, grey blueish eyes, black nosering in my left nostril, L and R tattooed on my wrist (yes for left and right lol). I mostly wear dark academia or cottagecore style clothes, usually dark and earthy colours with the occasional blue and red.
Personality:
Gemini infp, 6w5. Im usually more shy and anxious when i first meet someone or am in a new environment, but get pretty enthusiastic and talkative once i get to know someone. Im autistic, so i can get sensory overload or just overwhelmed, and sometimes this can lead me to get panic attacks or become nonverbal. This also means that certain topics can lead me to talk for like hours, even with strangers. My love language is physical touch, i love hugs or linking arms with people, and i have a tendency to lay against someone when sitting or if im very close with someone sometimes biting them (softly i promise lol). I do struggle a lot with recognising my emotions and i dont really like fighting. I dont really talk about my feelings, mostly opinions. I am known to be very good at debates, and usually lead them at school, because i am known to be able to form logic based opinions easily. I am creative and good at analysing situation and calculating the best outcome in my head. Also im very much the oldest sibling.
Likes (at least like three things):
- books
- flowers
- music
- singing
- animals
Dislikes (at least three things):
- SPIDERS
- sweaty sticky summers
- tomatoes
- (myself lol)
Extra fun fact (this is about whoever you are describing to me):
I have a breathing problem so i basically have to tell my body to breath, it doesnt to it enough by itself lol
BG3 EXTRA-
Race:
Woodland elf
Class:
Druid
D&D alignment:
Chaotic good
Sorry for the delay! I have been having a rough 24 hours. Hopefully, after some rest, I will be able to crank out these matchups faster again! I hope this is to your liking!
~~~~~ MATCH UP ~~~~~
BG3: Loyal, Regal, Protective, and Compassionate I present to you your Baldurs Gate 3 match------
Wyll Ravengaurd
I picked Wyll for you because his calm, relaxed demeanor will match your shyness and because Wyll, out of all the characters, is the most likely to just sit there and listen. There are numerous dialog options where he always wants to take the topic off of him and listen to someone else.
~~~~~ HEADCANONS ~~~~~
This man is a sweet bean who doesn't get much love and appreciation in the BG3 fandom. I think that stems from the slow storyline and questline.
However, he is just a gentleman who wants to protect and care for his people and those struggling.
Over time of knowing you, Wyll learns to love to dance again. He loves watching you spin around and enjoy time with him.
Will loves to listen. He would much rather sit and listen to you talk about anything you desire than dwell on his past. When he is with you, he desires nothing more than to listen to all the fun facts, quips, and stories you have.
Wyll is very protective of you, but he realizes he cannot always be there to protect you when times get hard in battle. So he makes duel dates and teaches you how to duel with his beloved rapier.
He is the most gentle being with you when you get overwhelmed or even have a breathing spell. He will help give you some privacy by casting Blur or Hadars Darkness (Let's pretend it doesn't cause damage).
If you have any special rituals to help you through your most challenging moments, he learns them by heart to be of the utmost help.
~~~~~ BLURB ~~~~~
The group was walking through the forest on its way to Baldurs Gate. You are deemed the fearless leader because you are the glue that holds everyone together. Too bad you are horrible with directions. Not that it really mattered. You had tons of friends and your partner surrounding you to help you correct your choices. Today, like any other day, you made a few mistakes, but the drawn-on 'L' and 'R' on your hands were really helping.
As you made it to what looked like an abandoned village, everyone agreed it was time to call it a day. The crew was exhausted, and Astarion looked deader than usual, even as a dead man. Setting up camp, it became apparent there needed to be more firewood and, most importantly, food. After a quick game of heads or tails with a coin, Wyll and you became the duo to save the evening, not that either of you would complain. You remembered that you heard a stream or waterfall not too far from here. Now, was it to your left or to your right? Shrugging, you chose a direction and set off with Wyll.
You two always had a calm relationship, and nothing really changed after you started dating, either. Wyll loved to listen to you and understand the inner workings of your mind. As you moved through the darkening forest, both of you realized there was no water nearby. "Y/N dear, out of curiosity, do you know where we are?" You paused, looking between the map and the area surrounding you. "Um, yes, definitely, we just need to make a." You look down at your hands, looking at the letters, "Left here and then one more left and a right, then boom, water. See, I can read a map!"
Will laughed softly, shaking his head. Following your lead, you two eventually came to a source of water. Of course, Wyll was not going to mention to you that had you just gone straight and then left originally from camp, you would have made it here faster. No, he was going to keep this to himself, seeing as you gave him the most radiant smile that could almost challenge Shadowheart's divine light. Getting lost with you would always be one of his favorite things.
~~~~~ EXTRA ~~~~~
(After freeing yourselves from the parasite, Wyll and you started adventuring together. Finding new wonders and beautiful places to call your own.)
Y/N: Wyll, look over there, just over the horizon. Is that a flower field?
Wyll: Why yes, my love, it sure does look like one; care to partake?
(You nod eagerly and trek to the field. Picking a good spot, you and Wyll sit down in the field, eagerly picking flowers and making a crown.)
Y/N: You know what this flower means, Wyll. (You began to inform Wyll of every single flower and herb in the field. Wyll is just staring at you lovingly.) Hey, are you listening to me?
Wyll: (He proceeded to resay everything you had just said to him.) My love, I will always listen to you.
Alrighty, with BG3 out of the way, I have a good one as well for your Marauders Era match. They are kind, understanding, protective, and very goofy.
I match you with------
Lily Evans
Lily Evans is a kind, loving soul. She is also brilliant and very understanding. Lilly does not judge anyone unless they give her a reason, and she is so supportive. Now, she does have quite the goofy sideâI mean, she has, tooâshe's best friends with the Marauders.
~~~~~ HEADCANONS ~~~~~
Lily is brilliant. Many have said she is the witch of her time. Being muggle-born didn't stop her from rising to the top academically.
Due to how smart she is she loves to debate with you healthily, even if she agrees with you 100% on a topic she wants to hear all your reasonings why.
Lily definitely has that goofy, youngest-sibling energy. Being the oddball sibling, Lily would have to comfort herself with jokes and humor.
Being the youngest sibling definitely counteracts your older sibling energy. She is the Ying to your Yang when it comes to the way you two see the world.
Lily loves hanging on to you, arms linked, walking around school, or even holding pinkies to Hogsmeade.
Though Lily isn't the biggest fan of many animals besides cats, she goes to care of magical beasts with you. She trusts you will make sure she doesn't do something stupid and let her get eaten.
Lily loves to listen to you sing. Nothing makes her happier than you two sneaking into the prefect bathroom and listening to you sing in the echoey room.
~~~~~ BLURB ~~~~~
You sat by the black lake, staring James Potter down. It was you and Lily versus him and Remus. The debate today is why any witch or wizard would learn dark magic. This conversation stemmed from Sirius's quick departure not even ten minutes prior due to something happening to his brother. There was speculation that the family had begun to bring the boys into more darker things. Being the black sheep, Sirius wanted out and moved in with James; however, Regulus wasn't so lucky, you all assumed.
The debate grew heated as you debated why a family would teach their child these spells but that no family should teach them. James' take on the idea was that they were bad news if a person even thought about learning the spells. Lily and Remus interjected occasionally as you two debated; however, it was clear you and James didn't need help. In theory, you were both saying the same thing, just slightly different flavors. The natural nail in the coffin for this debate was when James repeated the point you made ten minutes ago back to you but in his own words.
This caused both of you to stop and stare at one another. An exhausted Remus said, "Lily, you owe me ten gallons. It took them eight minutes longer than you thought it would take them to realize they were saying the same thing." Lily shrugged and coughed up the money, returning to her place beside you and wrapping her arm around your waist. "Best eight gallons I have ever spent seeing my partner speak so passionately on behalf of our dear friend." James turned to look at Remus, "Don't tell me you two bet on who would win the argument-" You quickly interjected James. "It wasn't an argument. You git. It was a debate. Get it right." Lily laughed gently and kissed your cheek lovingly. "That's it, my love. Show him who's boss."
~~~~~ EXTRA ~~~~~
(Summer had approached, and you all were staying at James' family home. The only problem was it was hot, way too hot. Luckily, James had a brilliant idea)
Y/N: If it gets any hotter, I will melt, I can feel myself melting.
James: No Y/N, that's called sweat. I thought you were smart or something. Anyway, everyone come grab your respective colored water balloon's. It is time for war.
(Everyone grabs a balloon. What Sirius did not inform James was the fact the balloons were filled with not only cooled water but coloring as well)
Lily: Alright, everyone, on the count of three....1.....2.....3.
(By the end of the fight, everyone was colored from head to toe in a rainbow of water.)
Lily: Hey, Y/N, come over here.
Y/N: What up, Lills?
(Lily leans in and kisses you gently)
Lily: Look, babe, we made purple.
Y/N: What a fantastic way to cool down.
#harry potter x reader#harry potter#baulders gate 3#bg3#bg3 x reader#wyll ravengard#bg3 wyll#baldurs gate wyll#wyll x reader#lily evans#mauraders#marauders x reader#marauders era#match up#head canon#x reader#lily evans x reader#the marauders
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This isnt about anything that has happened recently to me in particular just a scenario i see play out over and over again and im tired of it and want to vent.
I understand the internet gives anonymity and that makes you think the other person on the other side of the screen isn't a "real" thinking breathing human being but i think people really dont see the consequences of their actions if you make it a hobby or past time to hate a specific person and constantly insert yourself as a toxic part of their life via sending anon hate or ostracizing them you do understand that the consequences of doing can be death right?
Like constant harrassment on social media is PROVEN to worsen mental health and can lead to depression and thoughts of suicide. When you dislike someone and harass them online- let me make sure im correct on this- you want them to suffer yeah? Is it healthy to think that way about another human being? Is better because its online, would you do the same in person and would the people around you react the same if you walked up to this person you hate and told them to kill themselves in public? Or would that be horrible because of the physicality.
Im not talking about someone you hate who is like a nazi or something im talking about people who just have different ideals then you that arent hurting you. I has seen people turn evil towards each other for slights or misunderstandings that seemed so small to me. Maybe its because i am autistic that i dont understand what an average person could do that would make someone want to hurt them. Words and actions can be just as dangerous as any weapon i have seen to many people in the same social media circles as me die to them. I think social media has caused an epidemic where some peoples past time is the dehumanization of their other fellow human beings because they feel justified or that its "funny" when people suffer. The same thought processes that kept the toxic waste in kiwifarms churning.
When i was a teen this behavior didnt really bother me, i think because i didnt know better or know the actual consequences. Now as an adult when i see people my age acting like this towards people who are basically strangers it makes me sick to my stomach. Everytime i see someone being aggressive and combative with someone for a small slight online where it leads to harrassment i keep it in my brain that this is not a safe person to be around if they felt so confident doing that to a stranger when you could just not interact with them.
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