#its not my fault that sentence applies to basically anything you could say about the game

[sapphorror]

hope you don't mind me hopping on to add to this, but i talked about something adjacent on twitter right after my first playthrough of the pristine cut, and I'm kind of obsessed with how well it's executed, especially in some of the new routes. Because the voices, I think, ultimately represent methods of engagement more than anything else. Opportunist is my favorite example to use, because the guy doesn't even want anything concrete, he just lies and cheats and reflexively grabs for anything that could be perceived as power in the moment, because That's His Thing. The Skeptic can't stop questioning, the Hunted is focused on sheer animal survival to the exclusion of all else, and so on.

and none of them are bad perspectives, just so singular in their nature that they can't adapt across contexts, which is never a good thing but maybe especially disastrous when dealing with something like the princess who is, by nature, constantly in flux. while they may not have an agenda the way the narrator does, they do tend to have VERY strong opinions about what you should be doing and how you should be doing it, a whole chorus demanding different things from you. the only semi-exception to this is the hero, whose indecisiveness and, like you said, passivity, are kind of fatal flaws in their own right—though perhaps it isn't very surprising when the meaning of the word 'heroic' has been so thoroughly muddled just by the basic premise of the construct.

and what makes this work is that they all have moments of being extremely helpful, even critical, for carrying you through a situation and moments of being disastrously unsuited to coping with whatever's around them. and this is a balance the pristine cut plays with so well, especially for voices that might've been more skewed in the original game. like you said, it's great at demonstrating the darker or more dangerous side to many of them, but there also a fair number of moments where one of them will absolutely carry—the broken intuitively understanding the trick to the cage, for example, or the cold persevering where even the stubborn falters in the fury (which like, is a little horrifying, but what gets you there gets you there). this makes a lot of the player's job an exercise in deciding who to listen to and when, getting the benefit of different perspectives without latching onto any of them. and ofc because this is slay the princess, what counts as a 'good' and 'bad' result is often ambiguous to begin with and largely up to the player, which just adds another layer of complexity to contend with.

anyway yeah. I love this game so much x2 I guess

something i think is super interesting in the pristine cut is how it really gets into the nuances of the voices, specifically how the voices can go bad. we do see some of this in the original routes, of course, but the additional context and opportunities granted by the new routes and dialogue make it just so much more of a fascinating subject.

namely, none of the voices are fit to be in charge. we know some of them aren't, obviously, with the broken in particular just overtly fucking you over on more than one occasion, but it's not just the "bad" voices that are capable of being a problem if left unchecked. the cage shows how the skeptic sabotages your efforts by refusing to accept the logic of the world. princess and the dragon shows the opportunist will do literally anything to end up on top, including killing YOU. the hunted, who previously was one of the more grounded voices interested in keeping you alive and aware of your surroundings, goes completely feral and violent once given a taste of predatory behavior while fighting the den. even the smitten, largely considered harmless comedic relief, hurts everyone in single-minded pursuit of what he thinks is the perfect ending. of the voices, only the hero is never shown to fuck you over, but he's far too passive and easily overpowered by the other, more insistent voices.

much like how the princesses are only part of the shifting mound, the voices are only part of the long quiet. alone, they're just incomplete fragments, with equally incomplete and flawed ideas of what they want and what to do. "they are only perspectives. they are not me."

overall the pristine cut does so much cool shit to really drive home how similar the long quiet and the shifting mound are, that they are a single being that was messily split in two. quiet and the princess are reflections of each other, each bringing their own perspectives into this relationship, but no single voice and no single perspective gives the full story.

just. god. i love this game so much.

[commentaryvorg]

Digimon Data Squad Dub Comparison Episode 6 - The Ultimate Team No More?

This is a companion to my commentary on the original Japanese Digimon Savers! Reading my commentary on the original version of this episode (which you can find here) is recommended before reading this dub comparison.

Original name ~ Dubbed name

Masaru Daimon ~ Marcus Damon

Yoshino Fujieda ~ Yoshino “Yoshi” Fujieda

Tohma H. Norstein ~ Thomas H. Norstein

Sayuri Daimon ~ Sarah Damon

Chika Daimon ~ Kristy Damon

Captain Rentarou Satsuma ~ Commander Richard Sampson

Katsumata ~ Boomer

[Since several characters share the same name between the original and the dub, quotes from the dub will always be in italics, while quotes from the original will not, in order to distinguish them.]

Yoshi: “But does he wait? Of course not! Not Mister Reckless!”

Yoshi has some added exasperation at Marcus in the dub and I approve.

Masaru:  “Aw, he’s annoyed at himself.”

Agumon:  “Yeah, he’s annoyed.”

~~~~~

Marcus: “What’s wrong, ya jealous?”

Agumon: “Sorry, but no autographs!”

how does Agumon know what an autograph is

Agumon:  “As if any Digimon could beat us when we’re fighting together!”

Masaru:  “Yeah! Because we’re the strongest combination ever!”

Agumon:  “Ever!”

~~~~~

Agumon: “We’ll just win again, of course! There’s no Digimon that can beat the ultimate team!”

Marcus: “Yeah! Agumon and I are the strongest team ever!”

Agumon: “Yeah!”

The original brought in Masaru and Agumon calling themselves the strongest combination ever kind of transparently for the purpose of this episode. However, because Marcus and Agumon have already called themselves “the ultimate team” before in the dub, this works better and doesn’t seem quite so obvious.

Dub-Agumon doesn’t have that quirk original-Agumon has of echoing the last word or so – or maybe a whole sentence as in the previous quote – of Masaru’s lines for emphasis. Not necessarily a bad thing, just that the dub Agumon has different quirks.

Lalamon:  “This is the worst…”

Yoshino:  “That’s my line.”

~~~~~

Lalamon: “Well, at least they don’t lack confidence.”

Yoshi: “No, they just lack common sense.”

Lalamon doesn’t get to steal Yoshi’s catchphrase, but instead she and Yoshi do some very warranted snarking.

Agumon: “Sarah, you’re a genius chef! Yum!”

Marcus: “Hey! How many times do I have to tell you not to call my mom by her first name!”

In the dub of the earlier episode where original-Agumon started doing this, dub-Agumon actually didn’t happen to use Sarah’s name, so this is the first time he’s done so onscreen. Still, I suppose Marcus’s line implies he’s done it multiple times before now, so this is the dub catching up by implying it’s been happening for a while even if we haven’t seen it.

Agumon:  “But Sayuri is Sayuri. Chika is Chika. And Aniki is Aniki.”

Masaru:  “That’s not what I mean!”

~~~~~

Agumon: “Kristy is Kristy, Sarah is Sarah, and Boss is Boss.”

Marcus: “‘Boss’ is not my name!”

Agumon: “Oh. Well, still.”

Instead of Masaru failing to articulate why it’s weird for his friend to call his mom by her first name, Marcus shifts to an entirely different argument which almost might be implying he doesn’t really want Agumon to call him Boss? That could be considered relevant to this episode, but it’s almost certainly not deliberate.

Masaru:  “It’s manners for the follower to hold back!”

Agumon:  “Look who’s talking! Giving things to the follower shows off an aniki’s generosity!”

~~~~~

Marcus: “Whatever happened to me being the boss here?”

Agumon: “Consider this an employee profit-sharing program.”

????? Agumon how on earth do you know what one of those is. I don’t even know what one of those is. Also, way to make this sound 1000% like a small business even though that never made any amount of sense.

This is basically making the same point as the original that Agumon feels Marcus ought to let him have the last fried egg as part of a boss’s generosity, but man does that get kinda lost in the ridiculous small-business joke.

Sayuri:  “Oh my, they really know what they’re talking about…”

Chika:  “That’s because they saw it on TV yesterday.”

Sayuri:  “Still, it’s amazing that they’re studying while watching TV.”

~~~~~

Sarah:  “Oh boy. Well, dinner just got a lot more interesting.”

Kristy: “Why do boys always have to act like boys?”

Sarah: “Oh, believe me, Kristy, one day you’ll be glad they do.”

The original exchange between Sayuri and Chika here was very strange – I think the subbers didn’t quite get what was meant to be going on there, because their take on it doesn’t really make sense – so the dub changing it to something else is quite reasonable. But Sarah being heteronormative at her daughter was really not what they needed to change this to.

(Is this implying that Sarah was/is into guys who are this kind of ridiculous idiot? Actually, uh, knowing about the kind of person Marcus’s dad is, that’d make… a good bit of sense. Oh dear.)

There’s some similar bickering about snoring here, but then also, still in the background:

Marcus: “That’s it! You’re fired!”

Agumon: “You don’t even pay me!”

Can we not with the small business jokes! It makes this whole thing so difficult to take seriously as a meaningful bond between fighting partners, which is kind of what this whole episode is meant to be focusing on. Also, as usual, how does Agumon even know that an “employee” is supposed to get paid; his entire experience with the word should be limited to what he is to Marcus. And Marcus saying “you’re fired” really should be taken as him officially breaking off their partnership, but this isn’t the part where that happens yet. (Though honestly I’m glad that when we do, we won’t be doing the small business jokes there.)

Agumon:  “Well, I’m not gonna bail you out any more, Aniki! If I wasn’t there for you today, you would’ve been screwed!”

Masaru:  “What?! Don’t be so damn egotistical! You can’t even evolve without my Digisoul!”

~~~~~

Agumon: “Fine, don’t count on me to bail you out any more! Face it, you’d be totally lost without me!”

Marcus: “What?! Gimme a break! Without me you couldn’t Digivolve! Without me, this team would be nothing!”

I’m quoting this whole thing even though it’s basically the same as in the original, because this exchange is very important to the entire episode and I’m really glad the dub kept it intact. Boy could they have ruined the whole episode if they messed up this part, but they didn’t.

(I shouldn’t have to bring this up like it’s remotely remarkable, but after the fire-punching fiasco in episode 3, apparently it is.)

Marcus’s “without me this team would be nothing” is a bit harsher and more jerkish than originally, though that’s probably partly because the dub had more lip-flap to fill. It’s making Marcus more of a jerk like usual, but at least in this instance, Masaru being something of a jerk originally was actually the point, so this doesn’t stick out as much as it does sometimes.

The noises Agumon initially makes in reaction to Marcus’s comment here are a lot angrier in the dub, whereas originally it was more like upset floundering at the realisation that that’s true, before he snapped.

Agumon:  “Damn it! I can’t do this any more! I’m done being your follower!”

Masaru:  “Oh yeah, well, I’m out too! We’re not Aniki and follower any more!”

~~~~~

Agumon: “That’s it! I can’t take this! I don’t want you to be my boss!”

Marcus: “That’s just fine by me! I don’t wanna be your boss, either!”

At least the dubbers had the sense to deliberately avoid using the word “employee” here and keep the small-business nonsense out of the part that really matters.

Tohma:  “You’re arguing over something so trivial.”

Masaru:  “It’s not my fault!”

~~~~~

Thomas: “You’re being immature, even for you.”

Marcus: “Y-Y-*You’re* immature!”

The joke of Marcus proving how immature he is means that instead he’s snapping at Thomas, somewhat shifting away from the issue with Agumon. Meanwhile, Masaru was more subtly and relevantly showing his immaturity by trying to insist that their argument is totally all Agumon’s fault and not even slightly his.

We also lose the interesting implications of Tohma thinking this whole argument is over something trivial.

Masaru:  “Fine! I’m more than enough for one or two Digimon!”

~~~~~

Marcus: “Hah. It’ll probably be *easier* without you, just you wait and see!”

Marcus’s extra jab about it being easier without Agumon shifts this more into an insistence that Agumon was somehow holding him back, rather than focusing on the more relevant point that he simply wants to feel like he can do this without help from anyone.

Agumon:  “We’ll see about that, Aniki!”

~~~~

Agumon: “Hmph. Good luck, ‘cause you’re gonna need it!”

By wishing Marcus good luck, even if he means it as an insult, dub-Agumon is implying somewhat more of a sentiment of at least not wanting Marcus to get himself hurt doing this, which original-Agumon didn’t realise until later.

(Dub-Agumon doesn’t happen to call him Boss in this line, but he did so in an earlier line, so he is still doing that in the dub, too.)

The point I made in the original post about how these two scenes feel like one connected scene that ends on the note of Masaru going off to prove himself rather than them falling out doesn’t quite apply as much in the dub. Partly it’s because the dub doesn’t have the opening here, which isn’t its fault, but it also uses different BGM in each scene.

Elecmon:  “So many toys to play with!” [evil chuckling]

I’m sure you can tell without me quoting the van driver’s line that this is not Elecmon echoing anything that any human said at all. Apparently it’s coming to the human world just because it genuinely personally likes messing with electronic devices. That is not how this is supposed to work, at all. Not even in the dub’s slightly different version of things!

Masaru:  “Now there’ll be peace once again in the Daimon family.”

~~~~~

Marcus: “Finally I have some peace now that Agumon’s not around.”

Marcus not mentioning his family makes this less about the petty eating and snoring concerns that the argument started off about. But this still does very much carry the tone of him trying to insist to himself that he’s totally happier this way when he very obviously isn’t.

Masaru:  “I’ll do it all by myself.”

~~~~~

Marcus: “Soon he’ll see! I don’t need *him* around!”

This, though, I don’t really like. The point was never specifically about Masaru proving anything to Agumon, and it wasn’t even specifically about the fact that he needs Agumon in particular. Masaru just wanted to prove, to himself, that he could do this (whatever “this” was) by himself.

Marcus’s intonation here is also quite overly-moody, making this come across a lot more like just a temporary tantrum rather than that this is connected to something that runs deep.

The dub decides to put a commercial break after this scene rather than after the Elecmon scene where the original opening went, even though this scene is short enough that they could probably have just as easily put it before it. I… think I like that choice? The Elecmon scene was always a bit unnecessary, so lingering more closely on the note of Marcus’s moodiness feels better. (Though it specifically lingers on that dub-changed line that I don’t like much, so, eh.)

That said, this next set of scenes cutting between Masaru out on his own stewing in his frustration and the DATS members trying to talk to Agumon in his Digivice does feel like it’s supposed to be one long connected thing in the original. So I dunno.

Megumi: “Look, it’s your favourite! A cheeseburger wrapped in another cheeseburger! With a cheeseburger for dessert!”

Um, that sure is a way to have a cheeseburger. Since she’s holding what looks like a perfectly normal burger, I can only assume she’s lying to try and make it sound more enticing to Agumon. (Also, haven’t you got the memo, Megumi? Agumon’s favourite is Sarah’s fried eggs, obviously.)

Yoshino:  “How will they ever make up?”

Tohma:  “It’s not something we should interfere with.”

~~~~~

Yoshi: “You think those guys will ever be partners again?”

Thomas:  “I have more important things to do than second guess those two.”

Originally the implication from Tohma was definitely that he imagined they would make up sooner or later and just felt it wasn’t any of his business to try and force it to happen. But Thomas sounds like he’s implying he wouldn’t care if they didn’t ever make up at all. That’d have been reasonable for him before he came to respect Marcus, but not now.

Satsuma:  “They must learn why they’re important to each other. If they don’t find that answer, this is as far as they go.”

~~~~~

Sampson: “They need each other. But if they can’t see that, there’s no place for them here.”

Sampson is spelling things out a lot more explicitly for us. And it also sounds like he’s only thinking about this in terms of their suitability as DATS agents. The sense I got from Satsuma was that he was thinking more broadly about their growth as individuals and is concerned about that, DATS agents or not.

Masaru:  (That little shithead. He was the one who first said he wanted to be my follower.)

~~~~~

Marcus:  (I can’t believe him! He was the one who said he wanted me to be his boss in the first place. Then he gets upset when I act like a boss.)

That last dub-added part misses the point a bit. This is supposed to be about Masaru still having room to feel like he doesn’t need anyone, because Agumon initiated their partnership and looked up to him. This isn’t about Marcus acting in any particular way while being in that “boss” role at all.

(Maybe this could be read as Marcus deflecting from the real point here – but that’s not even necessary, since the real point is him being able to tell himself he doesn’t need Agumon. Masaru was also essentially deflecting from that.)

Masaru:  “Damn it!”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “This day just keeps gettin’ better and better…”

Marcus has more to say as he almost falls over from his missed baseball swing and leaves. I’m not sure I like his comment here, like he’s just thinking about this as one of those Bad Days where everything goes wrong, as if he was playing baseball as a totally unrelated way to pass the time and then this mishap just added to the Bad Things pile. Really, Masaru’s playing baseball because of the initial problem, as a way to physically let off some steam, and then he probably messes up as a result of that frustration of his, which only serves to amplify it.

Maybe it’s just the tone I don’t like as much – Marcus simply sounds fed up and exasperated, rather than actively frustrated about something that isn’t really the baseball at all.

Lalamon:  “You always said you hated being in the Digivice because you were alone.”

~~~~~

Lalamon:  “You said you hated being in the Digivice because it’s cramped and lonely.”

Ayy, the dub is still consistently sticking with its added emphasis that Agumon doesn’t like cramped spaces. I’m so weirdly pleased at this one bit of extra nuance that they manage to be completely consistent and also not-too-unsubtle about – probably because they’re not usually nearly this good. It’s to the point that I’m starting to have a strong theory that someone on the dub writing team had claustrophobia themselves and was projecting this onto Agumon, making consistently writing it this way personal to them, because they otherwise do not usually care enough to think about and follow through with the implications of minor changes like this.

Agumon:  “You two wouldn’t understand.”

Gaomon:  “That’s for sure. But that’s why I’m interested.”

~~~~~

Agumon:  “Just drop it, you guys, you don’t understand!”

Gaomon:  “It’s disgraceful. A member of DATS should take pride in his partnership.”

Original-Gaomon was simply curious here, perhaps showing a side of him that’s similar to his master’s very scientific approach to things. Dub-Gaomon is also showing similarity to Thomas in his strong sense of duty (plus pride in his partnership because he’s a dog)… but he is also kind of being more of a dick in the process.

Gaomon:  “Fighting with your master…”

~~~~~

Gaomon:  “Arguing with your superior…”

Since dub-Gaomon doesn’t call Thomas “Master”, this had to be changed, and this is a perfectly reasonable change, but it does still give Gaomon more of a sense of being an army grunt rather than a loyal dog.

Gaomon:  “Interesting. And why do you argue so often, do you think?”

Gaomon’s tone at the end here is also kind of dickish, like he’s implying that it should be obvious why Lalamon and Yoshi argue a lot. Geez, dub-Gaomon, chill.

Lalamon:  “Yoshino’s always really lazy! She doesn’t clean up her room, she doesn’t fold her laundry, she has bad sleeping habits and—”

~~~~~

Lalamon:  “Yoshi’s great, but she’s bossy and messy! And you should see what she does with her toenail clippings—”

“Bossy” is a lot more in line with the Yoshi we already know (at least towards Marcus, who kind of deserves it), though the “messy” part is similar to the original in hinting at a side of her we don’t usually see. But overall – no thanks in large part to the toenail clippings joke – there’s much less of a sense in the dub that Yoshi’s an entirely different person at home and that she doesn’t work nearly as hard in her home life as she does at DATS.

Katsumata:  “Da… Daimon!”

Masaru:  “Katsumata? You’re still hanging ‘round here?” [he turns to walk away]

~~~~~

Boomer:  “Huh? Oh… Marcus!”

Marcus:  “Hey, Boomer. Uh, sorry I can’t really talk right now. I’ll see ya.” [he turns to walk away, muttering under his breath] “Doof.”

Masaru’s interaction with Katsumata is obviously somewhat unfriendly from the start, based on both their tones and Masaru’s implication of “I thought I drove you out of this turf”. But Marcus and Boomer are both being… polite to each other? I would have assumed they were friends based on this, until Marcus insulted him under his breath.

Which, since they’re evidently not friends – especially given what’s about to happen – just makes it come across as incredibly off that Marcus even pretended to be polite to him in the first place. Masaru would never do that; he never beats around the bush and would never hide it if he had a problem with someone. That straightforward sincerity he has is a really big part of his character and I am sad to see so much less of it there in Marcus.

Since Marcus was enough of a jerk to pretend to be nice and then insult them under his breath, it then also comes across like Boomer and his cronies surround Marcus for a beatdown mostly because of that, rather than that they’ve had a run-in with him before and want revenge.

Masaru:  “What bad luck.”

Katsumata: “Cursing your fate won’t do you any good.”

Masaru:  “I was talking about you. I’m extremely pissed off right now!”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “You *don’t* wanna start a fight with me today.”

Boomer:  “Just ‘cause it’s five against one? Hah. We’re callin’ the shots this time around.”

Marcus:  “Is that what you think? Back off, Boomer, before I teach you bullies a lesson!”

Boomer:  “Yeah, right. Get him, guys!”

On the other hand, Marcus’s “today” does imply that he might have had a fight with this dude sometime before. (Unless he just means “start a fight with me” in the very general sense that people often come to him looking for a fight and not necessarily this guy in particular).

That line is also the only part of this scene that gets across the important sense that Marcus is especially in the mood to give someone a beatdown right now because of everything that’s been going on.

The rest of it… really doesn’t. Bullies? I don’t know if this is trying to say that these guys are known bullies that Marcus has heard of or dealt with before (in which case, why would he bother being nice to them?), or just a comment on the fact that they’re surrounding him five-on-one (though Marcus isn’t entirely innocent in this, since he insulted them first). But either way, this is the dub trying to reassure us that, hey, really, it’s okay that our protagonist beats up these guys, because they’re bullies! They’re bad guys! Marcus is being the good guy here, see!

That is not supposed to be the point of this. Masaru wasn’t beating up unwilling bystanders – he would not do that – and only did this because these dudes were looking for a fight. But this is very much supposed to be Masaru doing something that is kind of not okay, as a result of his frustration with himself set off by his argument with Agumon. That’s the point! It’s good for this to not be a great thing for Masaru to do! Characters – even good characters – are allowed to do bad things. That’s what makes stories more interesting.

Marcus also at least tries to de-escalate the situation by warning Boomer to back off. That makes the resulting beatdown a lot more on Boomer for refusing to listen, and a lot less on Marcus, who is at this point mostly acting in self-defence. Apparently Marcus would have been perfectly happy to walk away from this if they’d had second thoughts and left him alone.

But Masaru never gave them that chance. Once they’d incited aggression first by surrounding him, Masaru took that as a free excuse to start letting loose on these dudes without giving them an opportunity to change their minds. He wanted an excuse to vent his frustration through violence and wasn’t going to back out of it once he’d been given one. Again, that’s the point.

Agumon:  (Aniki hurt my pride.)

~~~~~

Agumon:  (You really hurt my feelings, Boss…)

This is almost the same, but hurt feelings is a bit more of a general idea that hurt pride. Pride in particular is especially relevant here, since Agumon and Masaru both have a lot of it and that’s a big part of the reason why this is happening.

At least the musical cue as Marcus stands over the beaten dudes is appropriately sinister and painting Marcus as very much not a hero in this situation. The dub soundtrack people have the right idea, even if the dub writers don’t.

Marcus:  “See? I don’t need help from anyone.”

Marcus has an added silence-filling line as he walks away, pointing out things that were already implied in the original because who needs subtlety. Also, hey, look, it’s almost like he really did just beat up those guys for his own issuey reasons and not because he was being a good guy defeating the bullies, how about that!

Though I also think this is somewhat missing the point. Yes, a lot of this episode is about Masaru trying to insist he doesn’t need anyone’s help. But this particular part is also here to show that his usual pastime of street fights against other humans isn’t enough for him any more, that he needs something more that fighting Digimon can give him. That’s what’s supposed to be the main thing on his mind as he walks away from this too-easy victory, rather than the more general don’t-need-anyone issue.

This whole part is one of my favourite delightfully-subtle bits of this episode, and the dub watered it down so much.

Old man:  “Well, well, my angry young friend.”

Pfft. Not an inappropriate thing to be calling him right now.

Old man:  “The things you truly need appear even when you’re not looking for them. That’s because you understand why you need them.”

~~~~~

Old man:  “The things you truly need appear even when you’re not looking for them. So look for what’s new in your life and figure out why you might need it.”

Unlike last time the old man showed up to be vague and metaphorical, this time the dub actually translates his speech almost entirely word-for-word! Amazing. This is the one bit that’s slightly different – but if anything, the dub’s version makes more sense at a part where the original was a little bit “???”, so, hey, good job. This does also mean that the old man is somewhat more actively giving Marcus advice in the dub than in the original, but that doesn’t really make a difference anyway (because Marcus is still not listening).

Boomer:  “What luck. I can’t believe I lost to Marcus again.”

Okay, so the dub is definitely going with the fact that Boomer is someone Marcus laid a beatdown on before today. They really shouldn’t have thrown doubt on that to begin with by having them sound like they’re being polite to each other in that earlier scene.

Katsumata: “Damn it, the stupid light’s taking too long again! Come on, change!”

Elecmon:  “Lights, change!”

~~~~~

Boomer:  “Why won’t these stoplights change already?! C’mon, c’mon!”

Elecmon:  “More toys to play with!”

…So, yep, Elecmon coming here is totally unrelated to anything Boomer is saying or feeling. And therefore it’s nothing to do with Marcus that this is happening. (Which also makes it a hugely convenient coincidence that he happens to be nearby to this Digimon incident when he doesn’t have DATS to tell him where to find it.)

Agumon:  “I decided I wouldn’t come out until Aniki apologises.”

~~~~~

Agumon:  “I’m staying here until Boss apologises, so blame him if something goes wrong!”

Dub-Agumon is being more of an immature dick here. If something goes wrong that he could have helped with, it’s totally not his fault for choosing to put his personal issues above the importance of the case, sure.

Bystander:  “I still can’t believe that no-one was seriously injured!”

Yeah, sure, dub, you just fill a silence with this to reassure the kids. It’s a huge flaming car crash, but it’s fine! Nobody was even really hurt, let alone killed!

Masaru:  “It’s okay. You’re not hurt anywhere.”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “It’s okay, kid, you aren’t hurt. Thanks to me, of course!”

Marcus, unlike Masaru, feels the need to make things about himself here, somewhat putting the damper on his selfless moment of heroism. Not completely, but he comes across as slightly less genuinely selflessly good as a result.

(It could be read like that comment is a result of the I-can-do-everything-alone issues he’s having this episode, but it feels like now of all times is when he should stop acting that way at all. That was the idea behind this bit in the original. Marcus’s tone for that part is still quite soft, so it also doesn’t sound like it’s part of his overcompensating.)

Agumon:  “Aniki!”

~~~~~

Agumon:  “Oh no!”

Because “Aniki” is two lip-flaps, they can’t just replace a lone “Aniki!” with a lone “Boss!”, so instead Agumon says this, coincidentally sounding more worried than he did originally.

Yoshi:  “Marcus, where’ve you been? Why didn’t you contact us?”

Marcus:  “I’ve been busy doing my job!”

Yeah, sure, doing your job definitely includes playing baseball and beating up some random dudes. (Masaru did not try and make any such claim.)

Yoshino:  “You don’t have a partner, so just wait here.”

~~~~~

Yoshi:  “Without a partner, you’re useless, so just stay out of the way, Marcus.”

Yikes, Yoshi. Calling him outright useless like this is going to rile him up even more.

With the dub’s insistence on using its evolution music every single time someone evolves, at least these shorter evolution animations mean that the music doesn’t awkwardly loop exactly twice, and instead it plays smoothly through the two animations.

Masaru:  “Even if I am [being absurd], I’ll use it to cut through a new path! That’s what a man does!”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “An ultimate fighter never quits! Let’s go, you overgrown puppy!”

Even aside from removing the manliness part, they also removed the rest of what was fun about this line. Masaru has a delightful insistence about how he doesn’t care if he’s being absurd, that can be a good thing that’ll help him win! Marcus is just… never quitting, and then trash-talking his opponent. Which is fine, but… simple.

Agumon:  “Aniki!”

~~~~~

Agumon:  “Oh, Boss!”

More ways for the dub to get around the lip-flap issue with short exclamations like this.

Yoshi:  “Chasing something we may not be able to catch, to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved! Marcus must be terrified all alone.”

[cut to Marcus on Garurumon’s back]

Marcus:  “Yaaaaa-hooooo!”

Look, I get the joke they’re going for here, but doing so compromises two characters. Why would Yoshi even worry about Marcus being terrified, after she literally just complained that he won’t want to be saved? She knows him, geez.

And then Marcus having great fun riding the Garurumon would normally be perfectly fine – see Drimogemon last episode – but one of the interesting points about this part in the original is that Masaru wasn’t having nearly as much fun with this as he had with Drimogemon before, as a sign that he knows deep down how outmatched he is without Agumon.

Masaru:  “Hey, asshole, how far are you gonna go? Stop sometime! Damn, my arms are giving out! Are you trying to see which of us lasts longer?”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “Hey, you digital dimwit, give it up! You’re never gonna be able to shake me off you! …Except my arms are starting to get tired. Well, let’s see who gives out first!”

He’s also a lot more openly cocky about being able to hold on, generally, despite that he does admit his arms are getting tired. Masaru’s lines gave more of a subtle sense that he was hoping it would stop so he wouldn’t have to keep holding on, if still not directly admitting that.

Masaru:  “Hey. Don’t underestimate me!”

~~~~~

[Garurumon growls]

Marcus:  “Woof.” [he lets out a wordless battle cry]

As much as I am kind of amused by Marcus aggressively making fun of his enemy being a big dog, I am sad that this comes in place of that fun original line in which Masaru had decided Garurumon was totally underestimating him, which definitely wasn’t him projecting his own self-doubt onto it.

Masaru:  “Damn it, what do I do now?”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “Oh, that’s right! I’m on my own here!”

Somewhat less of a sense in the dub line that Marcus is starting to wonder how the hell he’s going to win this now.

Marcus:  “…Not fun.”

Marcus has this little comment about how it felt to be slammed into a wall, and I enjoy it.

Masaru:  “Am I not… strong enough to beat him…? Is it really only a Digimon that can stop a Digimon…?”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “Man, maybe I’m not strong enough to defeat this guy… Maybe it really *does* take a Digimon to defeat a Digimon…”

Despite his “maybe”s, Marcus generally sounds a lot more sure about this here, like he’s not actually having any real difficulty accepting this now, whereas Masaru was still struggling with it to the point of phrasing it as a question.

Marcus:  “But still, there’s no way I’m gonna give up even if this turns out to be my last stand…!”

The dub has some extra lip-flap here, so this is also added in. Which I’m not super sold on. In keeping with a dub difference in episode 1 (wow, consistency), Marcus is apparently openly willing to just throw his life away for no good reason. Plus, the fact that he’s explicitly accepting the possibility he might get killed here means he really has accepted that he can’t do this with a lot more willing certainty than Masaru did.

(At least the dub managed to phrase the concept of him dying in a way that sounds natural despite not directly mentioning death.)

Masaru:  (I was wrong… I need…)

~~~~~

Marcus:  (What was I thinking? I couldn’t have defeated that guy [Tortamon] by myself, and I can’t beat Garurumon either! I need Agumon, and now I’ll never get to tell him I’m sorry!)

These are both lines that take up the same amount of time, believe it or not. Marcus is way more internally-talkative and generally perfectly articulating the problem he was having and the Lesson He’s Learned. Meanwhile, Masaru was coming to this realisation a lot more slowly and gradually, barely able to articulate it to himself beyond the most simple and important part. The original’s writers were happy to leave some silent gaps in between his thoughts to do the rest of the work more subtly.

The dub’s also really doubling down on the idea that Marcus is very consciously aware that he’s probably about to be killed here. Him lamenting not being able to apologise to Agumon is cute, but I still don’t know if I like him having admitted the about-to-die part to himself in the first place.

Sadly, the dub does not have the extra layer of Marcus’s screams of exertion that are what’s physically coming out of his mouth during this part. Regardless, these are definitely internal thoughts, because they have an echoey sort of effect on them to imply that. (The original doesn’t use that effect for its inner monologue lines at all.)

Masaru:  (I need… I need Agumon! I want to fight together with Agumon!)

~~~~~

Marcus:  (I get it now. I need you, Agumon! What makes us strong isn’t you or me… it’s both of us working as a team!)

Them working together as a team being the reason they’re strong is a cute (and correct) sentiment, don’t get me wrong, but I still like it less how Marcus is able to perfectly articulate this to himself and has just very straightforwardly Learned His Lesson.

Also, the loss of specifically “I want to fight together with Agumon” loses the possibly-unintentional call-forward in that line, which makes me a little sad.

Marcus:  “Right. We’re the ultimate team!”

With the dub’s “ultimate team” being a whole Thing that’s in more than just this episode, it has a more impactful effect to bring it back here that the original can’t do. So that’s a plus for the dub, at least.

Marcus:  “Never surrender, GeoGreymon!”

The evolution theme, being an instrumental remix of the dub’s opening theme, happened to have the part of its melody which matches with the dub’s opening lyric of “Never surrender!” just a few seconds before this line. Heh. I wonder if that was deliberate.

Masaru:  “There’s no way you can lose to a Digimon like that!”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “Remember, you’ll never lose as long as we fight together!”

Marcus’s line here is more adorable than Masaru’s, putting the focus on their partnership rather than just implicitly insulting their opponent! (It could be read that Masaru was specifically referencing the fact that Garurumon doesn’t have a partner and that’s why GeoGreymon should win, but if so that’s not all that clear.) I approve.

Masaru:  “You did it, Agumon!”

Agumon:  “Aniki!”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “You did it, Agumon!”

Agumon:  “*We* did!”

The dub did indeed go for “you” with the translation of Masaru’s subject-ambiguous Japanese line – and then they had Agumon add in a “we”, for maximum adorableness!

Masaru:  “We can beat any Digimon if we’re fighting together!”

Agumon:  “Yeah! We’re the strongest combination ever!”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “As long as the two of us work together, no Digimon can stand against us!”

Agumon:  “Yeah, we’re still the ultimate team, Boss!”

The dub’s version of this is basically the same right here, but what it unfortunately doesn’t do that the original did is directly echo what the two of them said in the beginning of the episode, but with the speakers swapped. Here’s the earlier bits:

Agumon:  “As if any Digimon could beat us when we’re fighting together!”

Masaru:  “Yeah! Because we’re the strongest combination ever!”

~~~~~

Agumon: “There’s no Digimon that can beat the ultimate team!”

Marcus: “Yeah! Agumon and I are the strongest team ever!”

Alas, apparently the dubbers didn’t realise that was a deliberate callback and make sure the earlier lines were worded so they’d work with this.

Agumon:  “Nah, it’s fine. I’m sorry, too.”

~~~~~

Agumon:  “No. I should be apologising to *you*.”

The dub’s version of this contains the awkward implication that Agumon isn’t just giving his own apology but also feels like Marcus didn’t even need to apologise in the first place. Which isn’t right, since both of them were equally at fault here. I don’t know if the dub even meant to imply this, but that’s how Agumon’s phrasing reads.

Masaru:  “Crap, it’s Yoshino. Run, Agumon!”

~~~~~

Marcus:  “Oh man, I’d rather face another Digimon than Yoshi. Run!”

The original reads like Masaru is trying to run because Yoshino is going to force him to clean up his mess. In the dub, it reads like it’s not so much about the clean-up and more like he’s mostly running because Yoshi is scary when she’s mad, which has a vaguely uncomfortably sexist vibe to it.

(Also, why is he acting like facing another Digimon would be a bad thing? Of course he’d rather fight another Digimon than face Yoshi, regardless of her anger or the clean-up, because fighting Digimon is his favourite thing!)

Overall differences

Well, at least they didn’t ruin the overall point of the episode like they could have by changing the reason Marcus and Agumon fall out. I had wondered if the bizarre misconception I’ve seen of “this episode is bad because they fall out over fried eggs!!!” came from the dub, but no, it very much didn’t. That part is perfectly intact. That said, there’s a lot of other changes going on in this episode that I’m not too fond of, especially because a lot of them mess with the fun nuanced bits.

The ridiculous small-business jokes during their argument further highlight how nonsensical it always was to call Agumon Marcus’s “employee”, and they detract from the meaningful points being made there about their respective roles in the relationship.

Elecmon is entirely lucid and simply coming here because it wants to mess around with traffic lights, which is extremely not how things work, not even in the dub’s version of why these Digimon incidents are happening. It also means this incident isn’t indirectly Marcus’s fault, which was a thing I enjoyed in the original.

The scene where Marcus beats up the dudes is probably my least favourite of the changes. The dub completely fails to grasp that Masaru doing something kinda not okay is the whole point of that scene. Instead it scrambles to insist that their kids’ show protagonist is still a 100% squeaky clean good person actually, because look, he’s only beating up bullies! And yet despite that, Marcus also acts weirdly uncharacteristically polite to this person that he has every reason to openly dislike.

Just like in episode 3, Marcus is a lot more articulate and self-aware about admitting exactly what his problem is and the lesson he’s learned in this episode (though at least in this episode he actually learns it), which continues to be less interesting and nuanced than the way Masaru struggles a lot more to fully accept and understand his issues. There’s also a recurrence of the thing from dub episode 1 in which Marcus is fully, consciously aware of the possibility that he might die, which is not something Masaru ever quite lets himself acknowledge even when he’s inches away from being eaten.

At least a few of the lines in the scene where he and Agumon make up are changed to be a little bit more adorable in the dub than they were originally, so there’s that.

[strangerfictions]

The Fight

 Request/ Prompt: so basically, I was tagged in the prompt in December by @1998--js​ and I knew I had to do it!

 Character A tilting Character B’s chin up to get a better look at their face and the evidence of the fight. A delicately thumbs away the streak of blood by B’s mouth, saying nothing as they examine it. After a brief pause, B’s heart skips a nervous beat as A looks them dead in the eyes. Their voice is quiet and tense, their anger barely restrained.

“Who did this to you?”

-  @whumpster-dumpster​

Summary: Rumors are spreading about you and Billy which leads to you both fighting. You have it out with the people who started it and Billy has to pick up the pieces.

Warnings: A bit of violence, lots of angst and fluff!

Words: 3416

A/N: So, I’ve been working on this for the past week or so and I am super happy with how it turned out. Thanks to @1995--js for tagging me in this prompt I loved it so much. Right now, things are very crazy since I’m back at college but requests are back open now for a limited time so if you have anything in mind send me an ask! I also want to thank everyone for 400 followers and for all the love on my shitty fics! Hope you enjoy this. Likes, reblogs and comments are all welcomed! Let me know if you would be interested in a part 2 of this!

 The Hargrove’s had moved in across the road almost a year ago and you still weren’t sure what to make of the California natives. You remember meeting the family for the first time and feeling very uneasy around Neil Hargrove. You would come to learn that you should follow your intuition a bit more.

Billy hadn’t left you alone since that day they turned up on your doorstep. Every day he would drop you home and you would talk about stupid stuff until you were both laughing at nothing. Of course, being friends with Billy had its up’s and downs. The first few weeks of your friendship a rumour spread around school that you were hooking up together which was far from the truth.

You both usually ended up arguing about a rumour every now and then and today was no different. You had brought up a rumour you heard being spread about you and Billy which made him snap at you about it like it was your fault it was being spread.

“Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking player you wouldn’t have rumours following you everywhere you go Hargrove but you seem to like that kind of attention so why would you even care” You hated that rumours followed the both of you just because you were friends. You both knew that Billy loved that kind of attention, but you didn’t enjoy it.

“So fucking what? Do you know how much trouble you cause me? I have been turned down by more girls around here because of you so I suggest you keep your mouth shut!” You were stunned by what he said but you were even more stunned that he was raising his voice.

“Pull over” You ask in a calm, steady voice.

“What?”

“Stop the fucking car Billy. I’m not putting up with you and your fucking shit anymore. If you want better chances with girls here it is. Don’t fucking talk to me until you respect me as a friend” As soon as the car came to a stop you get out slamming the door and walking down the path. You hear Billy’s car door open as you continue to walk away.

“Seriously Y/N? Get back in the car and stop being stubborn!” You walked towards your street throwing up the middle fingers at him as you left him standing beside his car.

You managed to get into your house before he passed you and once you were home you could finally let the emotions flow. Tears slipped down your face at a steady pace quickly but soon your sadness turned into anger as you paced around your room. Billy was one of your only friends except for Robin and so hearing him say things like that to you really hurt. You suddenly remember the party Billy had mentioned and you walk straight for the phone.

“Hey Robin! I’m going to that party tonight will you come please?...great come over here when your done…great see you in awhile!” You put down the phone and started to get ready waiting for Robin.  

After about an hour there is a knock on your bedroom door and Robins head peaks through the crack.

“Hey! Have you been crying?” Robin walks in placing her jacket on your bed.

“I had a massive fight with Billy over those fucking rumours going around about us. He said I get in the way of his hooking up!” You say dramatically as you apply some mascara to your lashes.

“Wow I mean that’s such a contradiction of what I saw today. He was with Tommy and Carol and he was having a pretty big fight with Tommy about spreading those rumours. I’m sure I heard him say that if he heard any more rumours about you that he would kill Tommy personally” You look up out of surprise almost blinding yourself with the mascara wand.

“Really?” You couldn’t believe it. Was Billy really going to lie about it all just to reclaim as much masculinity as possible?

“Yeah I mean it was pretty badass of him. I was going to call you later after work to tell you! It’s weird that he would lie though don’t you think?” Robin looked at you concerned as you cleaned up the mascara on the bridge of your nose.

“Yes, I do Robin but that’s Billy for you!”

You both finish up and walk to the party since it was only a few streets away. As soon as you get in all eyes are on you. You tug at the bottom of your dress suddenly feeling self-conscience. You spot Billy at the back of the room before Robin pulls you towards the kitchen to do shots.

You are on your fourth or fifth shot when you hear Tommy come into the kitchen.

“Well if it isn’t Billy’s little bitch!” You slam your shot glass down on the table hard smashing it in the process.

“What the fuck did you call me?” Robin is instantly trying to keep you back as you walk towards Tommy who’s suddenly looking very scared.

“It was a joke Y/N” Tommy tries to defend himself as you walk closer to him Robin still struggling to hold you back. Before you know it, you have hit Tommy straight in the face connecting with the side of nose. Before you can think Carol is on top of you trying to pull at your hair and a fight breaks out between you both. You manage to get Carol to the ground straddling her and punching her in the face but before you could get anymore in you are being dragged away by Steve Harrington.

“Let go of me Harrington! I swear to God I will…” Before you can finish your sentence, Billy comes into view. As he looks up, he locks eyes with you seeing the mess you are in as Steve drags you away from the kitchen. You suddenly begin to feel pain in your face as Steve lets go of you and walks away mumbling something about an icepack.

Billy walks through the living room to where you are sitting on the sofa and without saying anything, he sits beside you. He tilts your chin up getting a better look at your face and the evidence of the fight. He delicately thumbs away the streak of blood on your bottom lip, saying nothing as he examines you. After a brief pause, your heart skips a nervous beat as Billy looks you dead in the eyes. His voice is quiet and tense, his anger barely restrained.

“Who did this to you?”

You couldn’t look at Billy you felt so stupid for getting so angry over what Tommy said. You didn’t think you just did which you never do. You always think about things before doing them. You did the thing that you were always telling Billy off for doing when he turned up at your window with blood all over his face.

“I may have punched Tommy for calling me your bitch and then Carol attacked me I just got so angry and since I was already angry it just happened which is so hypocritical of me because I’m always telling you to think before you punch someone and now instead of me picking up the pieces it’s you which it shouldn’t be because I’m still mad at you” It was clear to Billy that you were going into shock and adrenaline was the only thing keeping you from feeling the intense pain of your face.

By the time you had stopped talking Steve returned with a bag of ice and a shot of vodka to “help the pain levels”. You take them both graciously thanking him.

“I can’t tell if you are stupid or a real badass” You feel Billy stiffen beside you as you half-heartedly laugh at Steve’s joke. Robin comes up behind him with a first aid kit handing it to Billy without saying anything.

“I ruined your night, didn’t I ?” You look at Robin who has a slight smirk on her face

“No, it’s about time you stuck up for yourself. It was going to happen to them eventually it was just a countdown to see who it would turn out to be. Clean her up before bringing her home please!” Billy nods in agreement and you say goodbye to Steve and Robin. You are both left in silence as they walk away. Neither of you knowing what to say to each other.

“You’re very quiet Billy. Are you okay?” You look up at Billy who refuses to even acknowledge you are talking. He quickly stands up causing you to get a little dizzy. The realisation of a probable concussion setting in.

“Stay here. Don’t move I’ll be back to help you clean-up” With that Billy storms off towards the kitchen probably to see the lack of injuries on Carol and Tommy. You were never a big fighter, but you had learned how to defend yourself at a young age. That kind of thing never really leaves you and so you instinctually knew where and when to punch. You lay your head against the back of the sofa closing your eyes and slightly grunting at the sudden pain searing through the left-hand side of your face.

You wanted to access the damage but knew better than to get up without Billy. You could feel blood dripping down your face potentially from your eyebrow. Your scalp was beginning to tingle as your adrenaline wears off. From the way Carol had a grip on your hair you wouldn’t be surprised if you had a few bald patches.

“You really got them good!” You open your eyes to find Billy standing over you with an impressed look on his face.

“Probably not as good as Carol got me though my head is killing me” Billy chuckles deeply as you wince in pain.

“No seriously Carol has a split lip, a bloody nose which might be broken and two very swollen and bruised eyes and Tommy…well his nose is broken and is bleeding everywhere…it looks like a murder scene in there.” You can’t help but feel like Billy is exaggerating but you knew better than that. Billy would never exaggerate about the results of a fight.

“I just want to go to bed. Can you help me clean up first?” You try to stand up but almost fall back down. Billy instinctually wraps an arm around your waist before you have the chance to fall back onto the sofa. He carefully helps you up the stairs, first aid kit in hand. This wasn’t something Billy was used to. He was usually the one with cuts and bruises littering his face not you. He wasn’t even sure if he knew how to patch you up properly. You were the one with all that knowledge.

Once in the bathroom he helped you sit down on the edge of the bath while he opened the first aid kit to see what he could do to help you. You watched as he opened the green box confusion written all over his face.

“You need help, don’t you?” You asked as you tried to get comfortable on the side of the tub.

“No let me figure it out. You do this for me all the time it’s the least I can do for you this time round” You laugh as he pulls things out to inspect them before placing them back in the box.

“Billy I would rather not be sitting here all night. I promise this isn’t some sort of defeat on your half just let me talk you through it” Billy sighs nodding his head as he places the first aid kit on the windowsill above the toilet.

“Okay first get a facecloth and soak it in warm water so we can clean the blood off, then you will  need some sort of alcohol or antiseptic if there isn’t any get a bottle of vodka from downstairs.” With instructions in hand Billy begins to move quickly around the bathroom. He sits on the toilet in front of you and starts to clean your face gently trying not to hurt you.

Billy reaches behind him to look for the alcohol but realises there is none so has to go downstairs for some vodka. When he goes downstairs you decide you want to get a good look at the damage done. You stand up from the edge of the tub and steady yourself on the wall. You carefully walk to the mirror hanging over the sink. You begin to survey the cuts and bruises on your face carefully. You check to see if you have any bald spots but luckily it seems Carol didn’t pull too much out.

“Are you sure this will work?” You jump glancing behind you at Billy who is standing in the door of the bathroom holding a full bottle of vodka.

“Well if it doesn’t, I’m sure if I down half the bottle it will have a desired effect” You sit back on the edge of the tub while Billy soaks some cotton wool in the vodka. Sitting back on the toilet he brings the soaked cotton wool to the large cut on your bottom lip. Gently he presses it against the cut soaking it. Your reach up to Billy’s hand and pull it away slightly as you feel the effect of the alcohol.

“Sorry” You mumble as you take your hand away from his.

“It’s alright at least we know it’s working. Here…for moral support” Billy offers you his other hand and you graciously take it as he continues to gently dab at the few deep cuts on your face. Once Billy feels like your face is sufficiently soaked in vodka, he throws the cotton wool in the bin behind him.

“Now what?” he asks turning around looking at you for further instructions.

“I think they should be fine until I get home. Thanks.” You look up to find Billy’s blue eyes focused on you. Your heart skips a little as he raises his hand and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

“That’s alright princess. Come on lets get you home” Billy helps you up for the tub and you both walk to his car. As you walk past the kitchen you catch a glimpse of Tommy and Carol who are looking worse for wear than you.

“I did tell you that you got them good. Here I was thinking you were incapable of punching anything!” You feel Billy’s grip on your waist get a little tighter as both Carol and Tommy look up at you both. Despite the fact that you just got beaten up you feel safe. Safe because of the arm around your waist.

As you both walk to Billy’s car you begin to laugh. The realisation of the seriousness of the situation setting in. You knew it was the mixture of drink and adrenaline causing you to feel this way, but you felt on top of the world. Was this how Billy felt after he got into fights? You slide down into the front seat of the Camaro feeling the pain creeping in.

“Why did you lie to me this afternoon? You acted like I was such a bother to you which I probably am, but Robin told me she saw you fighting with Tommy earlier and warning him about spreading rumours about me…us. If you really thought I was that much of a nuisance, why would you even bother saying anything to them in the first place. I’m just really confused about it all Billy.” You slouch down in your seat as you hear Billy sigh from his side of the car.

“Fuck…fine okay you’re not a problem you never have been. It was easier to make you think that than tell you the actual truth okay!” You watch Billy’s hands tighten on the steering wheel his knuckles turning white. Without warning he pulls over and turns the engine off.

“I don’t want you to say anything okay. I just need you to listen to what I’m going to tell you because everything is fucked anyways so might as well tell you. If you don’t like what you hear I will bring you home and you will never have to talk to me again…Y/N Y/L/N…I like you a lot and I didn’t want to tell you because there is no way a girl like you wants to date a mess like me and plus I really like our friendship and I don’t want to ruin that. You hate me, now don’t you?” You couldn’t wrap you head around what Billy had said so you stay silent looking through the windscreen in front of you. After a few minutes of silence, the engine starts again, and Billy is driving towards your house.

“I don’t hate you. I just…I think I have a mild concussion and so I’m not sure what to say” You glance over at Billy who has turned very pale.

“Fine” Billy huffs as you pull up outside your house. He refuses to look at you as you turn towards him. You reach out and place a finger on his jaw turning his head towards you.

“I like you Billy, but I’m concussed and need time to think so less of the mood. Can you help me inside?” Billy nods jumping out of the car quickly running over to your side to help you out. He helps you up and wraps an arm around your waist steading you.

“I like your arm around my waist it makes me feel safe” The concussion really starting to take effect. Billy walks you towards your front door as he listens to you.

“I also really like that you came over to me as soon as you saw I was hurt and how you brushed your finger over my bottom lip that was really nice Billy. I like this side of you. I like to call it soft Billy.” Billy hums in approval as you both stop at the front door. You fish your keys out of your denim jacket and hand them to Billy who pushed them into the door opening it wide so you can both get in without it being awkward.

“Soft Billy? I kinda like that princess. Need help getting upstairs?” You nod as you rest your head against Billy’s shoulder. You both make it upstairs without any further injury. You remain quiet well aware you have said plenty. Billy walks you into your room and helps you sit on the edge of your bed.

“You okay now? Need anything else?” You shake your head as you take you denim jacket off and throw it on the ground beside your bed refusing to change before getting into bed. You pull the covers back and slip into bed awkwardly.

“I’m going to get some pain killers and water for the morning princess. I’ll be back in a few” Tiredness hits you hard and you close your eyes as Billy leaves your room. He knows your house like his own and so it takes him less than a minute to find some pain killers and a glass of water. By the time he gets back upstairs he finds you fast asleep. He places the glass of water on your bedside table along with the pills. He notices that your blanket isn’t all the way up and so he pulls it up over your shoulders and tucks you in. Placing a small kiss on your forehead.

“Night princess”

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Read Part Two Here!

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  @an-antisocial-writer @charmed-asylum @takemepedropascal​ @technolilly​ @multifandomgirl16​ @dreamin-of-dacre​ @1998--js​

[celestialflamesme]

| MER-MAID FOR EACH OTHER | A Stashi One-shot Mermaid AU | Fairy Tail Next Generation |

Ships: Nashi Dragneel x Storm Fullbuster (Magma mermaid x Sharkboy)

Dedicated to @primaverafrog @luna-chan00 @biorckstudios18 @cxndy-stxrs and that random fact I read about sharks thriving in volcanoes.

If there was anything Nashi's dad taught her, it was this.

It was her mom that had sat her down and told her about how she couldn't play with the other mermaids and the do's and don'ts and safe spaces and creeks that reeked of danger and bad merfolk. Nashi nodded half-heartedly, too upset to barely talk back like she usually did.

But Nashi's dad, bless his soul, beckoned her to him one fine day and said, "No matter what you are and what you can do, don't hide a single part of you. Fight for what you want and what you deserve no matter how ridiculous it looks in the grand scheme of things. We'll always be here," he poked at her chest, "supporting you. Always."

Of course, turns out it was regarding a 'big, juicy mackerel' he lost to a 'dumb, fucking orca of all fish', but she liked to think it applied to other aspects of her life too.

The mer peered at the children giggling and trying to outswim each other across the reef and sighed.

As amazing as living in a volcano was, it sure was lonely sometimes.

Magma merfolk had several restrictions because of the seething temperatures their bodies possessed. Basically, if she touched a mer, they'd get burnt (super bad). It wasn't like there was a chance of that happening anyway, considering how scared merfolk were of them.

Pearl (a curious whitefish she'd come across on one of her hunts) swam in circles around her, obviously in a playful mood. She slightly smiled and brought a finger to her lips.

The children screeched as they spotted her swimming rapidly towards them and scattered away. The pinkette chortled at them.

"You'd think they'd have learnt by now, eh, Pearl?"

Pearl made a noise of delight, wading amongst the reeds. She huffed. "I knew you were hungry, you silly little fishy. Which reminds me, I have a date with destiny!"

Her best friend clicked. (Sorry hun, a mermaid has needs. Sweet, sweet protein; sign her up please!) She squinted, scanning the waters for her next meal. Her eyes registered a faint figure.

Tapping her tail thrice to get Pearl's attention, she swam ahead at a careful pace, ducking behind giant kelp to get a closer look. The figure continued its path, paying her no notice. Which was when she realised what it was headed straight for.

Pearl.

Her heart beating violently, she let out a war-cry and flexed her tail harder. Her vision saw red as she rammed into-

"WHAT THE FLIPPING HECK?!"

Both the bodies crashed into a boulder and Nashi let out a small groan, her sight blurry. Blinking back into consciousness, she tilted her head up.

She wasn't going to lie, the first thing she saw was his jaw filled with sharp canines. Her blood ran cold as she slowly, carefully, looked up only to gaze at perfect cerulean blue eyes.

She blinked. He blinked. Then the screaming ensued.

"WHAT'S A SHARK DOING IN MAGMA REEF?! AM I GOING TO DIE?! HOLY FLIPPING MAVIS-"

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TACKLE ME LIKE THAT?! DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH, YOU CRAZY MER?!"

6 minutes later, Pearl floated by, unimpressed by their shrieking. The shark-guy (shark-man, shark-douche, whatever) reached out to grab her and Pearl and Nashi collectively squeaked, the latter smacking him at the back of his head. He snarled.

"I'm trying TO CATCH MY NEXT MEAL! DO YOU MIND?!" He yelled.

"YES, I MIND! PEARL IS MY FRIEND, NOT FOOD!"

"Oh dear Triton, she's one of the vegan loons...." He muttered under his breath. She clicked her tongue.

"Even if I am, that doesn't explain the fact that YOU'RE ON MY TURF!!" She retorted, and he flinched at her tone.

"I DON'T SEE A SIGN ANYWHERE!!"

Nashi growled at him, "You have 7 seconds to run before I burn you to ashes!" Which is when she noticed that she was still on top of him.

"Wait, you aren't- what?" She furrowed her eyebrows and inspected him. "You're- wha- how?"

"What is it?!" He frowned. "It's considered rude to sta- HEY!"

She frantically patted and touched his chest and arms for something, anything and let out a breath of bewilderment. "You're- You don't feel anything?"

"Well, you are a little warmer than the others," he admitted. The shark raised an eyebrow curiously, "Uh- why?"

Nashi blinked out of her stupor, then pointed at herself, "Magma mermaid."

"Oh." He blinked back. "You're not as scary as they make you out to be. Unless," he held her shoulders and scanned her (Uhhhhhhhh....) "You're a baby!"

"WHAT! NO, YOU DUMBASS!"

"So you're saying that you're old?" He teased.

"I'm the appropriate age!" She huffed back.

"Appropriate age for?"

"Uh, stuff?"

"Yeah huh."

"YEAH HUH!"

He bit his lip, fighting back a smile. "Now, what am I going to do about lunch?"

Nashi's eyes widened. "Kelpsicles, I have to hunt too!" Both met each other's gazes before he shrugged. "Truce?"

"It's Nashi, actually," she smirked.

"Cool, I'm Storm."

............

An hour later, Storm managed to piss her off again.

"What do you mean you don't like burnt fish?! It's flipping amazing!"

Storm sighed (The audacity!) "Have you even tried raw fish?"

She spluttered, "Of course I have-" At the disbelieving look he shot her, she mumbled, "Not."

"Open up then."

"Excuse me?!" She shrieked indignantly. "I barely know you! You could poison me for all-" she choked as he shoved a piece in her mouth mid-sentence.

"I don't wanna hear it," he interrupted her before she could yell at him, "So? How's it taste?"

"I still like burnt fish." She mumbled, flustered.

"D'aww, is the iddle widdle mermaid embarrassed?" He cooed. "How ador-" Now it was his turn to choke as she shoved the entire fish down his throat.

She snorted, "Now that's peak humour." He shot her the middle flipper.

.............

"Damn, the humans are at it again."

"What's new?" Storm grumbled.

Nashi's grin widened, "Wanna check it out?"

"I don't know Nash, this bunch looks- Nash?" He groaned at her figure wading upwards, "Woman, get back here!"

Nashi was too busy taking in the sun's warmth to pay him any attention the first time. The second time however, she swivelled around only to register his panicked look. The third time, she found her tail stuck. In a net.

"STORM!! FLIPPING- HELP!!" She screeched, pushing, propelling herself out, trying anything, everything. She was getting dizzier by the second.

A giant thud resonated from behind her, and the net shook back and forth but she waddled undeterred until Rip! She was free!

"Oh thank Triton!" She gasped, trying to catch her breath. The humans were yelling but she didn't want to stick around and find out.

A pair of arms wrapped around her making her flinch. Storm had a dark look on his face as he pulled her against him and swam forth, not uttering a word.

He'd rocked the boat. He'd- he'd saved her from-

"Don't ever leave my side again." He murmured against her hair.

.................

"Nash, stoppppp," Storm whined, "It's only 15 minutes awayyyyy."

"You said that 15 minutes ago! And what's the big deal anyway?" She snickered, reaching out for his fin again, only to be swatted again, "Ticklish?"

"Very much so." He raised an eyebrow, daring her to try again. "You can't stay one minute without trying to feel me up, can you?"

She spluttered and even Pearl (dumb fish!) joined Storm as he chortled at the indignant face she made.

"We're here!" He cheered, only to be tackled by a bunch of sharks. Nashi felt her breath quicken.

"Storm?" She blinked. The group turned to stare at her in awe.

"STORM BROUGHT A GIRL HOME!"

"SHE'S PRETTY!"

"ARE YOU TWO MARRIED YET?!"

"Uhhh..." What was happening again?

Storm laughed at her confusion. "I figured you'd be lonely up there so I thought you'd like to stay with my family for a change. Don't mind Kai and Gale," he shot them a look. "They're dumbasses."

"If you won't date her, I might," Kai smirked at her. She nervously smiled at him, confused.

Storm growled, "Back off, she's mine!"

Nashi choked. Even Pearl cheered as they proceeded to carry her into their coven? Cliff? Ridge maybe....

"Since when am I yours?" She inquired, bewildered.

"We'll work on the specifics later. For now," he wrapped an arm around her torso and grinned at her, "Yeah, you're mine."

.................

Bonus: (that no one asked for)

"Sing it with me, River! BABY SHARK DO DO DO DO DO DO! BABY SHARK DO DO DO DO DO DO! BABY SHARK DO DO DO DO DO DO! BABY SHARK!"

Storm grumbled, "If his first word is baby, it'll be your fault."

Nashi shrugged, "As long as it's not Daddy, I don't mind at all. Say mommy, sweetie! Mo-mmy! See!"

The tiny shark ("He loves raw fish! He's a natural predator!" Storm cheered, making funny faces at his giggling son) paid no heed to his parents, distracted by Pearl swimming in circles around him.

"Pearl, you're going to make him take his first paddle before he says Momma at this rate," Nashi warned.

"You mean Dadda."

"Momma!"

"Dadda!"

"Momma!"

"Dadda!"

"Ma- da," River giggled, clapping his hands. Both of them blinked at him.

"Well that solves that," Storm smiled.

"Yeah...." Nashi sighed. "Who's a good little sharkie? Yes, you are!" She cooed, carrying him in her arms. "I love you!" She poked at him.

"What about me?" Storm pouted. She rolled her eyes and pecked him on the lips. "I love you too, Snarky."

He flicked her on the nose.

.....................

[mushykat]

i am failing 4 classes

I’m sick and I don’t like it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t like how it hurts to wake up. I don’t like how the feeling of hearing damage is the only thing grounding me to a plain of nothing but heartache and tragedy. I hate how much I’ve let myself spiral. I’m tumbling down a black spire that I’ve built for myself. What lays at the bottom will hopefully kill me when I connect with the waters below. 

Sometimes I want to draw. The picture I want to use to express the swirling mass of razors and burnt scraps of thoughts that plague my consciousness never turns out how I want them to. I don’t want to sit down and put time into something that I cannot love. It’s why I refuse to try and dig myself from the pit laden with the shreds of memories I hold on to in order to justify the horrible things I see. 

I don’t want to write as a career. A career path means choosing a secondary school, and it means going and applying myself to something. I can’t put the effort into keeping myself afloat in the sea of that of which troubles me, and yet I’m expected to weigh myself down with books full of repeated sentences that will suffocate me with a bad credit score and the inability to apply for a loan. 

I don’t want money to be spent on me for college. I’m going to do bad and eventually give up, like I always do. I never apply myself to anything like I should. I know better. As I sit and write, and let the crisp feeling of the screen sear the exhaustion ridden pupils I’ve tormented as such the night prior, I have assignments I haven’t turned in. If I can’t bother to not fail an 11th grade math class over my own impotence, then how am I supposed to swallow down the poison that is higher education. 

What’s the point of using flowery language to cover the corpse of what I write? What will the sprouts of tulips and daisies do against the rot of myself. Why must I try and work every word into an intricate tapestry to illustrate the images my hands refuse to draw. Why do I try to form the pictures my mind refuses to accept of what I see of myself. Why am I fucking sick? 

I can feel the rise and fall of my chest, and yet my lungs always feel empty. I can feel the beat of a heart cradled behind the intertwined digits of marrow that tuck it away in a forest of fleshy fat, and yet I wonder if I am truly living. Is this all life is to be? Am I expected to carry on in the future. Carry on and carrion are easy to mix up, I presume. But what a simple mistake for such a bloated carcass such as myself.

I feel like if I try to chase after the fleeting ideological wisps of smoke that arise from the coals I smother, and do in fact explore writing as a career, I fear I will run out. I think the only mirrors I can truly accept are the ones others have pointed towards me. The only thing I can see anymore is warped and distorted by the heat of a long burnt-out inferno that ate away at the only thing I could hold dear to myself. 

These little mirrors sit behind my eyes, and reflex off of each other. They shine beams of light to one another, as some sick paradox that I am too shaded to partake in. I want to see the light, but I fear what I may see if I allow illumination into the crevices of where I hide. The dark is cold and safe, and lets me shelter away from that which wishes to harm me. 

The world isn’t out to get you, after all. The only mantra I can remember clearer than the burning gazes of reflected disdain directed towards me. Are the shattered mirrors that try to piece my reality together warped from the heat of myself or others? I think I know who ignited me, but I would rather let the coals die away as I wish for myself. I envy the carbon lumps sitting in the sludge pooled at my feet. 

I am one of the ants that get burned alive under a child’s magnifying glass. I can still feel the heat enveloping me, and can taste the smoke as it hangs around my throat in a familiar noose. I welcome it, even. Why else would letting the smog from burning leaves powder kisses of slime and tar across my lungs? I relish the taste I’m left with. It is impure.

Impurity is the only state I know. Disgrace and dissidence is the only way for me to view myself through the shattered lenses that have been scratched and dulled with age. I wish I could pry them out of my skull with the screwdriver that sits in the drawer on my desk. Maybe if I slipped them out of my head and gave them a good rinse, I could have a clean look at the world around me. Maybe I could be happy. 

What’s to say they aren’t responsible? Holding tender orbs with a sheen of slime from the crevice they reside, smeared with the crimson shame that comes with self mutilation. I wonder if I could view myself with such an event. Could I get a good look? Could I watch myself desecrate the corpse that I walk in? 

Maybe my eyes aren’t the problem. The ants nibbling behind my eyes made my sight throb, as if what I’m viewing of the world is wrong. It’s never right, though. Maybe the ants are just more noticeable when I decide to grace them with acknowledgement. But they’re not real, of course. The idea of something being out of place would require something to be wrong, which there isn’t. I know because you told me. :)

I hate writing. It’s horrible and I’m disgusted with anything I read from myself. I do not approve of the venom that drips from my lips, and yet I refuse to pull my fangs. Maybe I could shatter the rest of my teeth while I’m at it. I could run my tongue over the raw indents where the abused shards of enamel I refused to care for would be. But since when do I care about taking care of myself? I’m scared of what I write. Every word is a little sliver of the mirrors that have cracked behind my eyes. The tears that fall hold shards of the reflective glass, and lands upon the scarred hands with which I type. I’m scared that the mirrors will be gone, and I’ll be forced to see the reality of what is before me in its entirety. And yet, I’m more scared of running out of escaping sorrow.

Why would I pursue a career in writing when I don’t know of what I write? Why would I try to make money off of a skill I do not have? What’s the point of humoring the idea that I can write? The illness that lets the steady drip of sickly ichor flow through me is the only reason I can type as I do. It’s the one who puppeteers this horrid poppet of flesh bound sinew and bone. If I am not sick, then how will I write? 

I cannot write. There is nothing to write about. Any of the scorch marks sitting heavy in my chest, and any of the burns lingering against my face from the reflected magnitude of the heat of the abhorrence of the mirrors others hold are from fault of my own. I am the reason I am sick, and I am the reason I refuse to get better. The feeling of the keys popping under my fingers is proof enough that I am not dead, and yet I let myself make allusions as to why I can only experience a dullness in place of stimulations. 

Every time I try to sit down and write like this, I try to crack a piece off of the mirrors. They’re melted into a grotesque putty, and it’s not delicate work to try and pry shards of it apart. I can swing and shatter the mass of heathenry, but then I would have to stare into the space between the shards. The spaces where I can see. 

How long can I chisel at a deformity before it is gone? Doesn’t the idea of writing to clear my mind imply that there's an end goal. That perhaps I can someday empty myself of the acid that eats away at the tissue behind my eyes. Doesn’t that mean that I’m the reason I’m ‘sick’? I don’t have the right to be upset. I know this. It’s my fault. 

The way others see me is the same, even if they claimed to have shifted their realities. Is it so easy? Why haven’t I done it for myself? I know why. I am lazy and prefer the glorification of necrophagous fantasies over the reality that the only rot in me is my own. The only poison that reaches me comes from inside. The bed of soil I rest in is free from mites and grubs, and yet I wrote. The only desecration is my own. 

As I write and try to put these pathetic ideas against a sickly backdrop of a fake shade of white, I can’t help but yawn., It seems to be tiring to do the most basic of tasks. Sometimes I wish that I could lay amongst the blankets marred with the imbecility of myself and not be roused. I want to slumber for the rest of time, and let the roots overtake me. Maybe as my flesh is eaten away and my bones are dissolved by a hundred rains, I could finally rest. 

I wish that I could bash my head against the wall and shatter everything going on inside of me. If it was in pieces, maybe it would be easier to weep under the rug. I want to hide it from myself. I don’t have anything wrong with me, I am just a hypochondriac that has done too much research. I know seven people who could agree with me. I live with three of them. Even if stories change, the words that linger are the ones that left bruises. Lying can’t fix the purple and yellow that litters my mind. 

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t like this. Sometimes I wished I was loved. But why would it change anything? I would be loved and broken. I would be shattered and adored. I would be coddled and ruined. What difference would circumstances make when I’m the one who sets the table against me? I’m the reason the betting is so low. I picked the numbers, and I knew what I was doing. I’m aware of the horrible things I do, and yet I do them. I know I’m failing classes, and yet I write with blurry vision to try and alleviate a fake weight keeping me from breathing. 

I don’t like school. I wish I didn’t have to go. But what else would I do with my day? I’m stupid. I’m tired of being told I’m not. I don't know the things people think I do. I only know things I can remember, and things that I care about. Neither of those apply to much. My mind’s empty enough that the few thoughts I can hold are the only thing keeping me from falling back into the static burning the edges of my subconscious. 

My neck hurts.

[fullmoondaggers-art]

You know what? No. Fuck this. Fuck you *unjanoses your audron*

Heyyy so I wrote abt Janos and Raziel and they’re just having some good time cause i love them and they deserved better so ye uhhh enjoy--

Read on Ao3

The snow storm outside had draped the entire place with silence. Although it was certain that none of the Sarafan outside would try an attack with this weather, Raziel stayed alert. The wraith was exploring Janos' home, quiet as a mouse, sneaking close to the walls as he was used to doing. The place wasn't incredibly big, but full of corners and rooms that would be so easy to hide in. So, he was patrolling around, making sure nobody would enter. He wondered where Janos was, as the ancient vampire excused himself a few hours before, leaving Raziel on his own after he refused to take the Reaver. 

Ah, there he was. Raziel stopped by the entrance of the room, hopefully out of sight. He didn't want to inconvenience the ancient vampire. Janos was sitting on a pillow on the floor, by a tall mirror, his black wings opened, one laying back and the other tucked under his arm. Squinting revealed he was brushing his feathers with a special comb. It wasn't as cold here as the rest of the building, for a small fire was crackling in a fire pit in the center of the room. Janos raised his head, his yellow eyes meeting Raziel's. 

"You can come in, Raziel. You don't have to sneak and hide from me. To be honest, your ceaseless pacing around makes me nervous."

Raziel took a step aside, standing up from his hiding position.

"I don't want to bother, you seem occupied." He said, raising a hand towards Janos' wings.

This earned a laugh from Janos. Soft, melodic, warm.

"Oh no, not at all. Please, have a seat."

He pulled a second pillow from next to him and set it aside, closer to Raziel, inviting him to sit by him. Raziel accepted, somewhat shyly- Janos was intimidating. Much older, much wiser. He settled down next to him, pulling his knees up against his chest, pushing  the tattered leather of his wings in his back, hiding them. Maybe in shame. Janos resumed his brushing, carefully combing his black feathers smooth. Raziel watched attentively. The fire's light was catching on their shiny surface, and to Raziel's surprise and delight, they twinkled like the clear night sky he only got to experience recently. His pointy ears perked up in joy. He would have smiled if he still could. A boney hand readjusted his dirty and worn out scarf, afraid it would slip off and reveal how disfigured he was. He didn't know if Janos was aware of his simple lack of bottom jaw, and he didn't want to find out if he did by having his scarf sliding off his nose by accident- not that the rest of his body was any less horrifying. It seemed to have shocked Janos enough.

"It's fascinating how your feathers shimmer like this." He remarked, wonder in his voice, pointing at the glittery flakes.

"Thank you!" The ancient vampire chirped. "They do not do that naturally, I add crushed seashells and pearls to my feather oil." He reached for a jar that was hidden from Raziel's sight and handed it to him. Raziel gasped as silently as he could, admiring how reflective the glitters were, twirling in the thick liquid. He started wiggling one of his legs, entranced. This glitter jar brought up old memories of Raziel putting glitter in his hair, and trying to convince his brothers to do the same. It often ended in glitter fights, where the biggest victory was to empty the rest of the container in Dumah's pants. It never ended well, but it was worth the bruises and busted fangs. Janos tapping the lid of the jar gently with his feather comb pulled Raziel out of his thoughts.

"Please, I need more. I missed a spot."

"Oh, yes of course."

Raziel opened the lid and handed the oil jar back to its owner. Janos dipped his comb in it and focused back on his feathers.

"Another good thing with the glitter, is that I can see where I forgot to apply it." Janos said with amusement, smiling, soft wrinkles forming around his eyes and mouth.

Raziel would have smiled back.

"I never imagined wings would be so difficult to maintain."

Janos huffed, almost a laugh.

"It is work. It wasn't such a chore back then,"

The gold of his eyes tarnished.

"We used to do it in groups."

Raziel was eager to know more about Janos' past, but he also didn't want to stir up painful memories.

"I could help you if you wish."

Janos thought for an instant, then nodded faintly.

"I don't see a problem with that. I still have the other one to do."

He let go of the wing he was holding, extending it so Raziel could see and reach the back part of it, still looking dull and messy. Raziel almost jumped away, intimidated. Janos' wings were much bigger than they seemed, and the elegant, silent way they moved reminded Raziel of the many vultures he saw picking at the sunburned decaying bodies of the vampires the Sarafan had left out on pikes. Raziel pushed away these memories, the soft shimmering of Janos' feathers building back his calm. Even without the glitter, they had this iridescent shine to them that almost made Raziel envious. His wings were so much more beautiful than his ever were, he thought.

"Here, take this- I'll just use my hand."

Janos' blue hand was handing him the comb.

"Thank you."

Raziel took it, finally able to examinate it from up close. He couldn't see details very well from a distance anymore. The comb was made from a strange material, between ivory and metal, not so unfamiliar to him as his claws sounded the same brushing against it as Janos' did when they touched the Reaver. It had two teeth, with a small space between them. It was obviously imitating the fangs both the vampires bore, as the tool was delicately carved to resemble them beyond their basic shape. He understood what purpose these teeth may have served before their race was cursed. Janos dipped his fingers in the jar, preparing his other wing.

"I'm going to put glitter on everything I touch now." He joked, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he smiled once again. 

"It isn't a bad thing."

That made Janos laugh.

"You are right."

 Raziel moved to sit a little closer to Janos and delicately ran the comb in his feathers, afraid he would hurt him by accident. He was sure his feathers were very soft, but sadly he lost a lot of sensation in his fingers after he came back to life-if he could call it that. He remembered holding a chicken once, from that time he broke into a human city by curiosity. He imagined it would be similar.

It was satisfying to see the feathers line up and shine after he was done. His leg started twitching again. It always did this when he was happy. It hadn't happened in a long time. He finished combing the feathers along with Janos, enjoying the moment.

"I wish I had been able to do this when I still had wings." He broke the silence.

"You still do."

"That's nothing more than rags if you ask me." He mumbled, suddenly very aware of his wings' state and feeling very self conscious about it.

Janos paused for an instant.

"You know, I think we could do something about your wings."

"There isn't much salvageable about them."

"Oh, Raziel…" Janos sighed, rolling his eyes. 

"I think we could trim them a little- don't get scared." He shortened his sentence, seeing Raziel's glowing eyes widen. "Only the damaged parts, so it is less likely to tear more and it will look cleaner. If you don't want to touch them it's fine too, of course."

Raziel curled up on himself, clutching the comb in his hand. His wings were a sensitive subject. Janos talked about them so gently, so lovingly it caught him off guard. He hated what his wings had become. Or were, to be fully honest. Of course Kain was to blame for all of this, but Raziel felt if he hadn't grown wings to begin with things would have been different. Of course he didn't decide to have wings. It wasn't his fault. He adjusted his scarf over his nose again. 

Maybe Janos was right, though. It would feel better to have cleaner wings. He wouldn't feel so bad about them if something good happened in their regard. Maybe he could have glitter on them too…

"I wouldn't mind, I think." He ended up saying. 

"Great! Now, let's see…"

Janos stretched slowly, folding his now neat and shiny wings in his back. He then reached for a box sitting next to the mirror and started to dig around in it. He picked up little shears from the box and put it aside before settling back on his pillow, facing Raziel now.

"I use it to trim my feathers, I'm sure it will work just right- I assume it wouldn't hurt you."

"Oh, yes. They don't… do much, anymore."

Raziel grabbed the end of one of his wings, lifting it up. He tried not to look at the flappy sheet of blue leathery skin for too long, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"Can I touch it?" Janos asked, approaching a hand. 

"Go ahead." He replied, handing the part he was holding to Janos.

The ancient vampire looked hurt as he ran his hand across it, probably trying to imagine how painful and horrible it must have been.

"I will just remove the torn up parts. They don't improve your flight and may get caught in obstacles."

"Sounds good to me." Raziel said with a nod.

Janos stood up.

"I will do a better job if I'm actually behind you." He said with a laugh, sitting down behind the wraith.

He grabbed one of Raziel's wings and carefully laid it flat on his lap. He started trimming, going very slowly. Raziel wasn't feeling anything, he looked back every now and then to see what Janos was doing. He hugged his legs, playing with his claws. Little bits of blue skin joined the shed feathers on the floor. Janos finished the second wing and placed it down, giving Raziel's shoulder a little pat.

"It's done! You can look in the mirror to see if it suits you."

Raziel stood up, his knees cracking in the process, and stepped in front of the mirror, stretching his wings open. They were still ripped, ugly, destroyed. They'll never be like before. But they looked a little better now, thanks to Janos. No more ripped dangling shreds of skin, no more burned stained edges. His dead dry heart squeezed in his chest. It did feel better. He spun around, laughter blooming under his dirty scarf, his wings flowing in his back. He rushed to Janos, falling down on him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, hugging him tightly, still laughing. He couldn't stop. Janos was surprised at first, but he quickly hugged him back, resting a hand in Raziel's black hair. Raziel hid his face against Janos' shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut. The laughter mellowed down as Raziel gripped onto Janos, feeling his warmth and his soul so close to his own. Janos was quiet, a gentle smile lighting up his worn face. Raziel's euphoric state turned into something else. He realised this little moment of closeness, peace and joy was probably going to be the only one he would ever get in his journey. Janos' gentleness was something Raziel never experienced before, and he was the only person that never was hostile towards him so far. He felt he would be the only one. He was afraid of the future.

He dug his claws in Janos' shirt, this heavy feeling in his chest not going away. He tried to hold it, but dry, bitter sobs started shaking his small body, his eyes unable to shed tears, even if Raziel wished they would. He felt Janos sigh, the hand in Raziel's hair brushing it back slowly, trying to soothe him, the other one holding him close. 

He wanted this to last forever.

He wished he could stay there, away from the hurt and torment and rage, but it was also boiling inside of him. He had to find out more about his role and his destiny, and thankfully Janos wasn't going anywhere.

Yet, he felt they would be separated too soon. 

He didn't want to.

Then, they both jerked their heads up in fear as they heard loud banging resonating in the whole building, as if something was forcing the main door open. 

The Sarafan decided to attack.

[phoenix-downer]

I was wondering if you saw the official Melody of Memory announcement trailer with the subtitles added. There seems to be a controversy on how the localization team changes Kairis words from "because I wasn't strong enough" to "because of what you've done" I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Do you think this changes Kairi's character or is it not a huge thing?

Thanks for the ask! 

Spoiler alert: taking a look at it, I think the fan translations are technically correct about Kairi blaming her lack of strength for Sora and the others getting hurt, because she does, but the official localization team better captures the overall meaning of what she says, because she also blames the hooded figure for her fate being messed with, which presumably led to her lack of strength in the first place. I’m basing my reasoning on how the scope of certain grammar patterns she’s using probably impact the meaning of what she’s saying.

Looking at the Japanese version in more detail...

(This transcription is done by me, so the commas and periods are just guesses, and the Japanese version of KH doesn’t really use periods that much anyway, they’re more for my convenience. Usual disclaimer applies about how there are still things I don’t know about Japanese and my language and translation skills are a work in progress, etc.)

 JP: あなたのせいで、私の運命は運動され、私の力が足りないせいで、みんなや、ソラが傷ついた。今、目の前にあなたは、たとえ記憶や幻あても、私はあなたを許さない。

Romaji: Anata no seide, watashi no unmei wa undōsare, watashi no chikara ga tarinai seide, minna ya, Sora ga kizu tsuita. Ima, me no mae ni anata wa, tatoe kioku ya maborshi atemo, watashi wa anata o yurusanai. 

EN: You’re the one who keeps messing with my fate. If it weren’t for what you’ve done, then Sora and everyone would be safe. Even if you’re not really here and this is just a memory or an illusion... I won’t let you walk away! 

TN: Because of you, my fate keeps getting messed with. (And because of you), my power isn’t strong enough, (and because my power isn’t strong enough), Sora and everyone else got hurt. Now, you’re in front of me, and even if it’s just a memory or an illusion... I won’t let you get away! 

Notes: Kairi starts out the whole thing by resting the blame on the hooded figure with the grammar form ~seide. This is used to indicate something or someone has caused a negative result. It’s a means of placing blame for something that happened and pointing to someone or something as the cause. A different phrase is used to give credit for something good that’s happened, ~okagede. Both of these words are covered by English words or phrases such as “because of~” or “thanks to~,” and we rely on tone of voice and intonation to differentiate between “good cause” and “bad cause.” Unless, of course, we choose to use something else (like the phrase “It’s your fault,” which is only has the “bad cause” meaning) to make that more clear in the semantics of the word. 

Because Kairi uses anata no seide to blame the hooded figure (who she refers to as “you” or anata at the very beginning of her speech for all the things she lists off afterwards, it sounds to me like the blame for all the things she lists afterwards falls on the hooded figure. That’s what the official localization captures that some of the fan translations did not. 

I think that the way that the “my fate keeps getting messed with” part ends also indicates that what comes next is linked to it, and thus the hooded figure is responsible for it, too. Why? Well, because the verb the official localization translates as “mess with” ends on sare, which is the stem form of the passive form of the verb “do.” Why Kairi uses the stem form of sareru instead of the te-form sarete, which would normally be used for connecting sentences or phrases, I’m not sure, but IIRC the stem form can also be used to link sentences and phrases together. The stem form also sounds more formal to me, so maybe that’s why Kairi uses it? To give her that “princess” air, and because she’s generally pretty polite (though here she’s using casual verb endings and not formal ones). Don’t take my word for it though, as much as the social aspects of language are my favorite, they’re also the easiest for me to mess up because they’re the kind of thing you generally need to engage in lots of real world conversations involving the specific piece of grammar in question to pick up on.

Also, the compound that the official localization translated as “keeps messing with” is literally “is moved,” but we don’t say people’s fates are moved in English, it’s not the right collocation (which means the set of words that normally combine together), so that’s why there’s a discrepancy there with some of the fan translations as well. 

Anyway, the next part, which has Kairi blaming herself for being too weak, is something like, “Because my power is insufficient...” in Japanese, with the grammar form ~seide being used to blame her insufficient strength on Sora and the others getting hurt. However, remember what I said earlier about scope? While it’s true Kairi blames her insufficient power on Sora and the others getting hurt, I believe this still falls under the scope of the hooded figure’s fault. She wouldn’t have been too weak if it weren’t for the hooded figure messing with her fate, in other words. 

That’s what’s captured in the official localization that’s missing in some of the fan translations. Now, it’s true that the official localization does not spell out in the grammar that Kairi blames the hooded figure overall for everything AND blames her insufficient strength for leading to Sora and the others getting hurt. However, this might not be the final translation, and even if it is, it’s not really inaccurate or anything, especially when you look at the original Japanese version. And they may be able to make up the “lost” meaning of Kairi blaming her insufficient strength in other ways, like with the tone and intonation of Kairi’s English line delivery. 

The last point of contention I’ve seen is the very last thing Kairi says, “I won’t let you walk away!” When you walk away, you don’t hear me say, please, oh baby, don’t go, anyone? Putting on my tinfoil hat, I’m gonna laugh if this is some A+ foreshadowing from the localization team about the identity of the hooded figure... Anyway, people have been wondering how fan translations could come up with things like “I’ll never forgive you!” when the official localization has  “I won’t let you walk away!” 

It all comes down to the verb used, which is yurusu. Yurusu can mean many things. It’s a very flexible verb. I’m gonna copy several of its possible meanings from jisho.org to give you an idea of its range: 

Now, while it’s true that the negative form, yurusanai, which is what Kairi uses here, tends to be used in anime a lot for characters to scream at their enemies about how they won’t forgive them, that’s not the only possible meaning of yurusanai. 

Notice how the official localization uses something close to meaning #3, to release, to let off. An important part of localization is context, and the official localization team looked at the entire context of the sentence and decided that this was the meaning that most closely matched the situation. I am nowhere near their level, so I trust what they went with and defer to their expertise. 

Plus, it makes sense, you know? Right before this, Kairi says the part about  how even if this is just a memory or an illusion, she’ll... When you think about it, it makes sense that she wouldn’t want the figure that’s messed with her fate so much to get away, so that’s why she says she won’t let the person walk away in the official localization. 

(Also, just an interesting side note, Kairi uses pronouns a lot in this speech. The norm for Japanese conversation is to drop pronouns when they’re understood from context, which is different from English, where we need to use them most of the time with some exceptions. If my hunch is right, she’s stressing the pronouns so much in the Japanese version because she wants to clearly demarcate herself from the person she’s addressing, to draw a “me vs. you” line in the sand. She means serious business and these are her fighting words, basically.)

Hope that answers your question!

[volturialice]

since you’re the resident (and I hope to god the only) safe haven expert, would you say it’s worse than, equal to, or better than fifty shades -❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

hello rainbow heart anon! i’ve been pondering this question all 1,600 miles and two days between colorado and virginia (thank you for entertaining me)

so ok. there are a lot of different metrics by which we can judge fics/stories. we can judge them based on plot, or writing mechanics, or how Problematic they are or aren’t, or overall literary merit. I’m gonna do a couple of these things, but let’s aim to decide based on “overall literary merit,” a phrase which it is physically painful to apply to either of these works but oh well

1) problematic-ness

first of all, a HUGE note about Problematic-ness: I do not often find this a useful way to judge stories, because all stories have to have some kind of conflict and also art can be as Problematic as it wants and still be good art. but in the case of e.l. james I will make the fattest fucking exception oh my god

and in terms of Problematic-ness, Safe Haven is WAY worse than 50 shades. many more articulate and knowledgeable people than me have written about how 50 shades a) does not depict actual BDSM, and b) misrepresents BDSM as some gross deviant thing that only a “twisted degenerate who has suffered horrific abuse” archetype could possibly be into. BUT however much 50 shades is grossly inaccurate in its depiction of BDSM, at least 50 shades admits that the relationship between christian and ana is “fucked up.” like at least there’s a token acknowledgement of “this is not a normal or appropriate way to treat your romantic partner” in there a few times.

whereas in SH, the same violent, abusive, controlling and manipulative tendencies are never acknowledged. they’re there (edward fantasizing about literally beating bella because he’s angry that she witnessed a murder, anyone?) but they’re never talked about—just handwaved away as “this is how regular guys in love think and behave.” which, um, no, erika. no the fuck it isn’t.

SH!bella is also a 19-year-old orphan with absolutely no support system, whereas at least ana (21) has friends, family, and a bachelor’s degree. all SH!bella has is obscene wealth, a cello, and a creepy plantation in (I’m still laughing about this) metairie. she has no one to look at her situation and go “dump him” the way ana’s friends could and did in 50 shades.

winner: 50 shades

2) writing

in order to be published, 50 shades had to pass through an editor. not a good editor, but it was still given a basic once-over for stuff like grammar and spelling, which makes it automatically better than SH. I’m not exaggerating when I say I have barely scratched the surface on this blog of just how bad the grammar et al is in SH. the paragraph-long run-on sentences, the bizarre random capitalizations, the constant abuse of ellipses, the utter lack of commas...it’s bad. when I think about how it was written by an adult TV professional with english as her first language, I kind of despair for the human race.

the original 50 Shades fic, Master of the Universe, is also riddled with errors but still not as bad as SH. I’m guessing this is because MotU came second? afaik Safe Haven was erika’s first foray into writing fic and boy does it show

and finally, the lack of every third word being “fuck” makes a huge fucking difference lmao. it’s also a POV thing—ana may be insufferable, but she’s far, FAR less insufferable than erika’s attempt at writing from a man’s perspective (the constant No-Homo-ing, anyone?) in fact, it would probably be more accurate to compare SH to Grey, but I haven’t read that. (does christian get a dicksona? important question I never want the answer to)

winner: 50 shades

3) you know what, let’s cut to the chase here

I could do a bunch more categories and talk about how 50 shades, while bad, is still better than SH, but I’m realizing it’s probably faster if I make the (much shorter) list of ways Safe Haven is better than 50 shades.

ways in which Safe Haven is better than 50 Shades: 

the pacing/length - the 50 shades trilogy is something like 500k words, and was originally published as two incredibly dragging, meandering fics in which it was incredibly clear erika had no idea where the story was going. SH, by comparison, is less than 60k words and, for all its faults, has clear rising/falling action and a climax, with most of the filler-y parts frontloaded to the beginning rather than disrupting the action (such as it is lol.)

the unintentional comedy - the unintentional comedy is way better in SH. the grammatically worse, “this is totally what men sound like” writing makes SH entertaining on a language level as well as a story level, and the plot beats—bella is abducted by a cross-dressing kidnapper we never hear about again! emmett digs through bella’s trash!—are more balls-to-the-wall ridiculous than anything in 50 shades.

and that’s it

in every other possible category, 50 shades edges out Safe Haven. including in (sigh) overall literary merit. at least 50 shades had something (however stupid) to say about its characters and their relationship, as opposed to Safe Haven’s “bella hot, edward mean, edward like bella, sexy sexy”

[yuvon-writes-letters]

Hi. I’m back.

(The handwriting is a little shaky all throughout the letter. Seems like Yuvon is having a little difficulty handling the pen, but not too much.)

Thanks for your concern :)

I’m... not really okay, exactly, but Jake calmed me down, and I’ve basically separated him and the thing that looked like him into different compartments in my brain. Mostly.

I don’t seem cold blooded anymore, but my temperature is still way down, so I’m gonna be a blanket burrito for a little while while Jake actually gets some fucking sleep. Also, I’m using my hand as an ice pack for Jake, because I feel kinda awful for attacking him. Like, I had reasons and he doesn’t blame me or anything, but still. I’m catching up on letters after I write this section, I’ll go through them chronologically.

Oh fuck. Lis, listen, none of this is your fault, okay? None of it. I don’t know how the hell the entity talked to you, but clearly, it was (whited out) about my plan

The hell?

It was (whited out) about

(Whited out)

(Whited out)

Fucking hell. Fine. I’m not allowed to say that apparently. Guess that makes it true then ;)

(The ink changes for one sentence to be so dark it sucks in the light around it.) If that’s what helps you sleep at night, sweetling 🤭

...Anyways. Lis. I don’t know how I know this, but I KNOW that its actions weren’t affected by whatever you did. It just wanted to taunt you. It didn’t even particularly mean to hurt you as much as it di   How the fuck do I know this?

I’m... just going to stop thinking about that here. Next letter.

I’m gonna have a talk with Jake when he wakes up. He’s acting fine, but this is definitely not the type of thing you get over in two days. I don’t know what happened to him, but whatever it is, if it’s anything at all like what I experienced, it’s bad. I don’t think the entity went any lighter on him just because I was the one to break the rules that apparently exist that we weren’t fucking told about and not him.

He left out a couple details of what happened to me. Probably for the best. Lis must already be feeling awful enough as is.

Lis, I’ll... yeah. I’ll write about it eventually. Not in this letter, though. I want people to be able to skip it if they don’t want to see it. And again: zero need to be sorry. It is not reliable. It lies. You shouldn’t necessarily believe everything it says.

Oh jeez Jake had to deal with the Crow Crew when I was gone. That won’t have ended well.

Jessy, I’m glad you trust us both now :) However, I agree with Jake that Lis is very much trustworthy. Additionally, pointing fingers is the last thing we need right now. The enemy is the entity and the MWAFerfucker. No one else.

Jake! I didn’t realize you’d started writing to us independently :) Thank you, Goldie, for helping him get the letters. Thank you also for the advice, I hope that helped my universe’s Jake. He feels way better when he has a plan.

Um. While I agree that Jessy’s comment was out of line, Jessy was panicking just as much as the rest of you. Remember my “pointing fingers” comment? That applies to EVERYONE. Not just Jessy. I understand that you were stressed and defending Lis, and please don’t take this as an attack, but I would REALLY appreciate it if we all could stop fighting for five seconds.

...I say, having snapped at Jessy in my last letter to her :( I’m sorry. I was really upset and I sort of took it out on you. Not directly, exactly, but I still did. That wasn’t really an okay thing for me to do, especially when you were already grieving and starting to feel guilty and stuff.

The entity can’t touch other universes well, only transport things like the letters. It can only affect my world and this plane. Don’t ask how I know. I just do.

(The ink darkens for two sentences.) How are you doing that? Stop that.

You first.

Anyhow, I’m glad it especially can’t attack Lis anymore though, Goldie. (Aur? Goldie? You know what, I’ll just stick to your nickname til told otherwise.)

...He must have been really stressed if he didn’t quite black out my name sufficiently. Well, it doesn’t really matter. He would have said my nickname, anyhow, and anyone who could trace “Yuvon” back to my birth name doesn’t know I exist. Heck, maybe I’ll tell you my nickname at some point, though it’ll be sorta jarring after being Yu and Yuvon for so long XD

No no no, Rai, it’s not your fault :( No pointing fingers at yourself either, okay?

The meme comparison is pretty accurate XD   Now I sorta want to make it and show it to Jake. I feel like I should wait a while before I do, though. Maybe once all this is over. Everything’s a little too raw right now.

I only sorta understood snatches of the part of the letter Jake read out before, but it makes way more sense when I’m conscious and not missing pieces. Yes. At least for now, I’m not going to mess with the ritual. When I’m more recovered and can focus more, I might try HARMLESS experiments, nothing that would help us escape. Maybe a coffee machine or something. But I especially am not going to risk it when I can’t completely focus. Getting the thing I wanted without too much risk was hard, and I was helped by being upset, which made me a bit more determined to get what I needed. ...I sorta also very slightly brainwashed myself. That’s going to take a little work to undo, but hopefully not so much. I didn’t do it for very long, after all.

That was pretty silly anyhow. The entity can’t read minds or influence them.

I’m fairly well rested, given I was in a coma for two days, and I’m gonna be taking it easy for a while too. Jake, on the other hand, judging by the bags under his eyes, did not. Stupid adorable hypervigilant idiot genius. ...What does he mean by “doing little else for the foreseeable future”? Now I’m a little worried XD   ...Hope he meant it in a bed rest sense, and not a “coma” sense.

You need to sleep too, though, Rai. Not drink more Red Bull.

I hope you get your apartment soon! :) Hopefully after you do that you’ll be able to relax a tiny bit.

...The entity is contacting people? Huh. I wonder what it’s hoping for. Maybe attention? Or maybe it’s trying to get something.

I’m sorta worried about Lis :/   It’s good that Max trusts you, though. And I agree with Jake, Lis’ll be fine. I also agree that it’s best if Max thinks it’s the not-entirely-fake stalker that made her panic.

Oh fuck Lilly figured it out? Poor Jake. Well, I guess it sorta makes sense. She knows me and she knows Jake, after all. In fact, we’re probably the two people Jake has talked the most with. She’d be one of the most likely to realize.

Out of curiosity, what IS Lis’ relationship with Lilly like? She and I get along really well now that the video drama is over, but I know I’m a little weird when it comes to forgiveness, and I could really see that complicating our friendship if I was capable of holding a grudge for longer than a day when I wasn’t actually trying to hold one.

Yeah... I agree with Jake. There’s no way she wouldn’t have suspected something was up, but the situation resolved in basically the best way it could have. I’m gonna have to talk with her later, though. I’ll need to look at what exactly Jake said to her to figure that out, so I need to wait until he wakes up.

...Jake was tormented by not-me too, huh. We really have a LOT to talk about. He’s gonna sleep first, though.

Wait. Hold up a second. What the fuck is that? Did Jake write that or something? That’s my handwriting, though. What the hell?

Okay. So. That previous letter. I did not write that. I don’t think Jake did either. Process of elimination, the entity is fucking with us again. Ignore it.

...I actually think I know what that is. I can’t check, though. It’s mocking me. What a bitch.

That’s it for letters for now. I’ll answer new letters as they come in, but til then I’m just gonna rest and read something. Maybe I’ll reread Percy Jackson.

—Yuvon

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

[iheardarumorxxx]

Midnight Sun, Chapter 2 - Open Book

Not even a full paragraph in and I have to call Weirdo on something. In the Twilight canon, it is often mentioned that vampires are always always always cold. Like, big old blocks of perfectly sculpted ice. But here, Eddie boy says that his skin had cooled to match the air around him. Can’t work that way. Either Pires are heat sinks that are always freezing, or their temperature can change based on the temperature around them. Can’t be both.

Also gonna bring up the chapter titles real quick. Maybe SM will try to hamfist it, but in Twilight the chapter titles were (supposedly) related to the chapter. First Sight was Bella (supposedly) falling in love at first sight w Edward, and Open Book was Bella going on about how she was an open book and couldn’t hide anything and wore her emotions on her face etc etc. It doesn’t make sense to me to keep the same chapter titles when we’re obstensively living in the head of a different character.

Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it.

What SM was going for here was ‘Edward was so lost in his own head that he couldn’t even see the sky above him even though it was beautiful’ but this doesn’t work. Wanna know why? It’s because of this:  The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe - an awesome sight

Weirdo described the sky with perfect, flowery detail, expressed outright the colors that were swirling above him and the way the stars swirled and made shapes. He wouldn’t have been able to do that if he was too focused on his own thoughts to pay attention to it. This is what I mean when I say that SM hasn’t really mastered the First Person POV. This would have absolutely worked if instead of ‘I’ it had said ‘he’. 

As a note: Weirdo calling Bella ‘unremarkable’ in terms of how she looks just comes off as those shitty ‘you aren’t even that hot’ responses from people when they get rejected.

And Weirdo describing the way Tanya leaps at him reads really flat and boring. The play by play method to show how Graceful and Ethereal the Pires are is gross and the flat emotionless tone makes it read like a laundry list of actions. 

Chagrin sighting number two. And I’ve gotta say, this little thing with Weirdo and Tanya reads a little more realistically than any interaction between our main couple throughout the entire Twilight Saga. Sure, Widdle Eddie isn’t into her, but they’re openly and honestly communicating about it, which is more than Bella and Weirdo ever did.

Mostly Tanya preferred human men

This sentence right here completely invalidates Weirdo’s entire argument about how he would murder Bella with his Schlong if he ever gave into his desire for her, as there is clearly a way to hook up with a pathetic, weak human without killing them.

Two chagrins in one chapter, I am blessed.

though her feelings were not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return.

This goes back to that thing I was bitching about in chapter one about Weirdo and only reading surface level thoughts. He isn’t an empath, he can’t descern from her surface thoughts how deep her feelings might be. Based on how his power comes across, it’s likely that he can’t actually interpret any kind of tone at all, and is guessing at the emotion behind the thought. Just because Tanya makes a passing thought about Eddie that may be ‘unpure’ (gag) doesn’t mean that her feelings for him are strictly lusty and naughty.

By the way, it’s only chapter two and I’m already sick of hearing about Bella’s ‘chocolate brown eyes’.

That time jump that they did from Snowy Alaska back to Fork High cafeteria was jarring. We have literally travelled through space time to get back to The Plot(tm) as quickly as possible. Maybe, just maybe, it would have been beneficial to see some of Weirdo’s drive back, get some more introspection, more of an idea of how he plans to handle himself re: The Bella Thing, even if it is in his whiny, affected urple prose.

Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep.

Unlike our great, wonderful, perfect Pires, of course. They would never dare to try fitting in with the Sheep that they have decided to live among and try to blend in with. This goes to prove my point that SM’s Pires don’t give a flying shit about blending in with humans, even though it is supposedly Vampire Mafia Law that they don’t get exposed.

"Maybe you're not as scary as you think you are,"

Despite the fact that SM tries so hard to make him come off as the stereotype of ‘dumb jock’, Emmett deserves a better series than this one. Not being afraid to roast Weirdo is absolutely fucking A+ in my book.

We are, yet again, applying Pire logic and physics to not Pire things to show how Strong and Powerful and Amazing our Pires are. I must once again posit that these things are not Pires, and therefore, would not behave in this manner, even when a Pire is interacting with it.

I am once again unconvinced by this Let’s Shit On Jessica Stanley thing I’m having to schlock through. Sure, she’s a lil petty, but she doesn’t come across as overt mean girl bully and she never has. SM never made her feel like anything more than a (in fairness, extremely stereotypical) teenage girl trying to be nice to the new girl in school and being put off by her weird behavior.

Small point to make here, just because I realized how bored I was with the debate over whether Weirdo would go to class and murder Bella or not. Because this is a companion piece to an already published novel, we know what’s gonna happen. Now, a good author wouldn’t let that stop them from making the tension feel real. Even though I know the outcome, I would still be focused on the journey to get there. But I’m not, because it reads as dry and dull. The tension isn’t there and I’m not enjoying the journey to get to the ending I already know. The characters aren’t even likeable enough to keep me entertained. This is why companion pieces and POV shift retellings are so hard to do.

it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred.

I feel like this is supposed to be the first lil glimmer that Weirdo is In LUV with Bella or whatever in this POV, but the thing is, his patronizing tone and the way he is seemingly always going on about how weak and pathetic Bella is just kinda makes it feel like he’s acting like her Dad. 

Though they didn't want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.

I only have one thing to say about this. Fuck You Edward Cullen.

I feel like Weirdo is starting to craft this idea of Bella in his head, much like he does with everyone else, but because he doesn’t have the crutch of using his surface thought mind reading powers, he has to guess at her thoughts (much like typical normal human people do because we’re weak and pathetic unlike the Pires), and he’s basically assigning her the thoughts he thinks she should be having. He’s crafting Bella into the perfect ideal for himself without taking her atonomy into consideration.

"Ladies first, partner?"

This is a continuity error. In Twilight, he did not say ‘Partner’, just ‘Ladies first’. It’s nitpickey, and I’m aware that it’s nitpickey, but it’s jarring if you know Twilight well enough to know the dialogue. If we’re going to see the same scene from a different POV, the only thing changing should be the inner monologue, not the dialogue between characters.

I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.

Bzzzzt, no. I already talked about this earlier, but everything established in canon shows that Eddie doesn’t ever warm up. He and Bella cuddle under a blanket and he is still described as rock hard marble adonis ice. He can’t warm up, according to established canon.

And in this chapter, we finally start the Shitting On Mike Newton run. Mike is the fucking worst in this book and is treated like shit, all because -- can you guess??? -- all because he thought the new girl was pretty and had a little crush on her. Mike gets shit on SO FUCKING MUCH in this series just for daring to think Bella is pretty.

Ignorance was bliss to the human mind.

OR EDDIE YOU’RE JUST ARROGANT AND RUDE AND NOT AS INTERESTING AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. The Cullens fucking PRANCE around this school in their designer beige turtlenecks with their flashy fucking cars and look down their noses at the pleb humans who could never be as good as they are, and especially with the way SM wants to paint Forks as this fucking insular hick town where everyone knows everyone and are probably socioeconomically lower than American average, its RUDE AND GROSS and makes them look like stuck up fucking JERKS. But sure. Keep touting on about how humans are scared of you.

And yet again, we get an example of Eddie boy ignoring the fact that Bella (for all of her faults) is a HUMAN PERSON and not some game for him to play. ‘Wahhh, I can’t read her thoughts, that makes me angy and frustrated’ and whining about how he wants her to GO AWAY because her blood makes his froat hurt but how he wants her to stay because she’s so MYSTERIOUS AND DEEP. 

This didn't fit with the scenario I'd been constructing in my head.

And this is exactly the point I was making up there. Edward is making wild assumptions about Bella based solely on his experience with the human condition from his immortality, but he is also crafting her into what HE thinks is the right way for her to be in his mind without taking into consideration that she is a complex human with feelings and emotions. But instead of actually correcting himself, he continues to do this, and we know he does because he continues to posit that she’s deep and wise even though we know different from being in her POV for three and a half books. 

A lot more of this dialogue is changed from the conversation in the original Twilight than I thought. It should be easy to keep at least the dialogue consistent.

I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.

This is the most true thing that Eddie is going to think in this entire book, and it isn’t even genuine and that upsets me so much.

my mother always calls me her open book.

I would like to use my solid four years of Twilight knowledge to point out that Bella Swan is not an open book, she’s a lying liar who lies about things, even though she says all the time that she doesn’t like lying. She was always going on about how she fakes her emotions for the benefits of others, she is not an open book at all.

The reason she was upset was because she thought I saw through her too easily.

And, of course, Weirdo eats this shit right the fuck up.

"I find you very difficult to read." "You must be a good reader then,"

This exchange didn’t make sense in Twilight, and it still doesn’t make sense here. Unless Bella is being sarcastic based on her previous statement, the exchange just... isn’t good. And it’s pretty clear that Bella isn’t being sarcastic. So. Explain it, someone, pls.

Emmett still deserves a better book than this one. He is literally out here like ‘Everyone makes mistakes, Eddie boy.’ But we are still talking about murder here, so... 

And that’s chapter two. I didn’t mean to do it all in one long post, but I couldn’t really see a good break in it to cut it in half. The human bashing is already getting worse and it’s making me annoyed. As you can probably tell from the Cap Locks. We get the first glimpse of Eddie being ‘protective’ that we know is gonna get creepy and paternal as the story goes along. And I know that SM was going for an old timey thing with Eddie, but Bella’s inner monologue was really dry and boring, and Weirdo is even worse in that area. Yet again, we see the First Person POV slipping. Little things that just don’t work in Eddie’s head.

Join me tomorrow for more, and thanks for reading along. 

[elyvorg]

Still a Hero - author’s commentary (part 2)

I spent almost all my time for two months planning and writing this fic of mine centred around Kaito’s issues, and that amount of thinking-about-something doesn’t just go away once the thing is finished. This is the second of two posts (the first being here) giving a kind of author’s commentary on the fic. For this one, I’ll be (mostly) taking off my Kaito-analyst hat and putting on my author hat, talking about the writing process and how I came up with the ideas for each chapter given how I knew Kaito’s character arc needed to go.

I say I spent two months “planning and writing” this fic, because the first month of that really was all planning. At first this was figuring out the broad strokes of how Kaito’s character arc should work, while also entirely separately imagining him going through various different kinds of torture that seemed like fun. Then I began to slot these torture methods that I’d already decided I liked the idea of into whichever points in his character arc they fit best for, resulting in me beginning to get a coherent set of scenes together.

As my ideas for the story solidified more in my head and grew more elaborate, I began to get them down on paper (well, virtual paper) to help me keep it all straight. I could remember the broad strokes of each scene well enough, but smaller details of ideas I had for the little things Kaito would be doing to indicate his mental state at any point were nice to get down. That way, I didn’t have to try and keep all of that in my head at once and inevitably forget a whole bunch of it when I started actually writing and was using most of my headspace on coming up with good prose. I could craft the progression of Kaito’s mental deterioration more carefully like this, rather than just winging it as I went along, which I think helped a lot considering that said progression was so vital to get right.

Plus, it was nice to be able to have a phase to the writing process where I didn’t let myself worry about wording and just got down all my raw ideas for the… okay, look, I’d call them “beats” of the story, and also possibly use the term “blow-by-blow” to describe how detailed this plan was, but in this particular context those words can be taken very literally. It wasn’t quite that literal. You know what I mean. And that way, when I actually was doing proper prose writing, it was easier to get started in each writing session (something I often have problems with), since the idea for what needs to happen next is already there and all I need to do is think of a good way to word it. Splitting the writing process into separate idea-splurging and prose-writing periods is a really productive way of doing it, at least for how my mind works, and I’ll probably do it again whenever I next write a fic.

While the plan was so detailed that I probably could have done the actual writing in a haphazard order, jumping all over the place just like I did while doing the plan, I wrote everything linearly from the beginning (with one exception that I’ll mention later). It still helped me be able to keep myself in the right headspace for Kaito’s mental deterioration to have gone through that progression with him, at least while actually writing it. Especially since Kaito’s mindset did still do a few unexpected things that I hadn’t quite anticipated in the plan.

Also, geez, did you notice how I called the chapters “scenes” up there? Yeah, once upon a time I thought this’d just be a longish one-shot fic, so in my head, they were scenes and not chapters for a good while. I did not realise quite how long things would turn out. Which is perhaps a good thing, since if I’d known that this would end up 64 freaking pages long, maybe that’d have made me think twice about actually writing it. And I’m really glad I actually wrote this.

The realisation that this was being so ridiculously long that it really needed to be chaptered happened some way into chapter 6, which at least meant that I got to come up with all the chapter titles all at once. I had fun making them all work together; I knew chapter 6 shouldn’t be titled anything but “Hero”, so I made the rest all fit around that to describe the hero. Kaito is a Vulnerable posturing helpless unimportant losing deluded HERO With Friends; the capitalisation or lack thereof is very deliberately meaningful. The non-capitalised titles are meant to give a sense that Kaito is sort of subconsciously beginning to feel these things are true about him by the end of each respective chapter while not wanting to admit it, and then the all-caps “HERO” is him shouting down those self-deprecating intrusive thoughts once he realises he really is a hero after all. The “Vulnerable” is capitalised not because it’s the beginning of a sentence, since “With Friends” is, too, but rather because those two are the only descriptors being applied to the “hero” that are actually true about Kaito. Really, he’s just a vulnerable hero with friends, which is something I think we can all agree on.

Now to go chapter-by-chapter for some more specific thoughts about my ideas behind each one.

Chapter 0

This chapter isn’t strictly necessary since it’s not part of Kaito’s character arc, but I felt it’d be useful to include to help establish the stakes, in terms of why it makes sense that Kaito needs to hold on for quite a while to protect his sidekicks from being killed, and yet his sidekicks can also be the ones to come and save him without being killed once enough time has passed. (I really love how my cult-takedown AU just naturally lent itself to me getting the best of both worlds here. I didn’t think of the torture scenario until after solidifying this AU in my head, so this was just a lucky coincidence.)

It was also nice to get Shuichi and Maki’s perspective on things to help establish the basic principles of the fic that it’s going to take Kaito six chapters of torture to figure out himself. Is Kaito invincible? Of course not. If he’s not, does that mean he can’t protect his sidekicks? Of course not. I figured it might help readers who aren’t familiar with all of my analysis about Kaito’s hero issues to be given a sense that that’s the angle I’m taking here.

Plus it was neat to show Shuichi and Maki both having their own much faster shift in perspective on this. Shuichi would have answered yes to that first question and Maki to the second question before this scene happened. But they each had one piece of the puzzle from the beginning, which is more than can be said for Kaito.

Not that they knew how much of an idiot Kaito was about this, mind you. They assumed he was perfectly healthily aware of these concepts himself, because they had no reason to believe he wouldn’t be. They knew he’d be suffering, but it didn’t even cross their minds that the worst part of it for him would be the near-destruction of his self-esteem. In chapter 7, when Shuichi hears Kaito say “I didn’t let you down,” and “I’m still a hero,” he’s bewildered and concerned by the implication that Kaito had ever thought those things might not be true. (It’s okay, though; Kaito will be willing to actually talk about it to them at some point during his recovery, so they’ll come to understand.)

This is chapter 0 and not chapter 1 because it felt right to have the real “start” of the fic be with Kaito himself. This fic is after all entirely about his character arc, and the Shuichi and Maki bit is more just a bonus. Unfortunately, AO3 apparently cannot comprehend the concept of prologues (I don’t understand why they’ve never accounted for this; prologues are a perfectly common thing in fic-writing as far as I’m aware), so this makes the chapter numbering kind of awkward on there. I could have just thrown up my hands and accepted the numbers AO3 wanted to give my chapters, but no, screw that, I spent two months thinking of the chapters by my numbers and I refuse to stop doing that just because some silly website hasn’t heard of the number zero.

(If anyone knows how to get this to work properly on AO3, please tell me. I did try manually messing with the “chapter number” field in the chapter-submission page, but that ended up screwing up the order in which the chapters were displayed, which, nope, that’s even worse.)

Chapter 1

I chose a relatively straightforward torture method to start things off with, because this scene was less about pushing Kaito’s mental deterioration and more about just establishing the baseline of his stubborn posturing and insistence that he’s an invincible hero in its purest form before there begin to be many cracks in it. That said, there’s still some psychological stuff getting to Kaito a bit here, aside from the generally terrifying (nope, not terrifying at all, what are you talking about, Kaito is a hero) realisation that he’s about to be tortured.

It may seem like an odd choice that I let Kaito wake up unrestrained, and I must admit that the idea of him waking up and panicking as he finds himself already tied up did seem fun in some ways. But it was very on purpose that I left him free to start out with, because that gave Kaito the sense that he should have been able to escape and not let any of this happen at all. If only he’d been stronger and more of an action hero, he totally could have taken out all five cultists and made a break for it, couldn’t he? Not managing to do that is Kaito’s first small sign in here that he’s not that good of a hero, actually. Sure, he knows that he’s massively outnumbered and the chances were really slim, so he’s not really that consciously upset with himself about it, but the subconscious sense of failure is still there. If he’d been tied up from the start, there’d have been none of that, and it’d have been much more obvious that it’s not his fault and he simply couldn’t do anything.

The kickings were also very much a part of this. Those aren’t a proper structured part of the torture, the kind of thing Kaito can basically expect from this situation; they’re just casual cruelty from his captors, hurting him not even because they need to but simply because they can. The first one wasn’t quite so bad because at the time Kaito felt like it was a retaliation to his attempt to escape, as if he was just paying the natural price for his recklessness not succeeding. But the second one, which came out of nowhere just to make a point, really drove home the horrible sense that they can do anything they want to him in here and there is nothing he can do to stop it. It’s not like these kickings physically hurt any more than the upcoming beating was going to, but they got under Kaito’s skin a lot more than the beating did, and far more than he’d ever admit this early on. (Though he does finally briefly allude to it in the depths of chapter 6.)

Like I said in part 1 of this, I was on a mission to make Kaito feel helpless in every way I could think of. He’s not really consciously thinking about it or tearing himself down that much yet, but this is already beginning to wear at him beneath the surface.

Chapter 2

Somewhat inspired by some articles I’d read about the phenomenon of learned helplessness (hence me referencing that in this chapter), I had the basic idea of some kind of restraints that inflict more pain on the captive the harder they struggle to escape from them, with the intent of eventually making them give up trying. Put Kaito in something like that and he would absolutely stubbornly torture himself with it for hours without his captors even having to lift a finger. I just had to; it was too perfect for the kind of person he is, and so good for creating the first big dent in his confidence when he fails to escape it and inevitably starts to feel more and more hesitant to even try.

I was originally envisaging it taking two or three “rest” chapters of Kaito fully throwing himself at this contraption and getting noticeably more tired and hesitant to do so each time until he gives up. But as I streamlined the plan (in an attempt to not make this any more ridiculously drawn-out or repetitive than it needed to be), this got cut down to basically just this chapter, with him barely even trying at all in chapter 4.

Good thing, then, that Kaito is so counterproductively overly-stubborn that it really only did take one spectacularly self-destructive session for him to be traumatised enough to never want to do that to himself again. (And, again, that’s less from just the pain alone – this probably didn’t hurt any significantly more than the beatings before or after it – and more from the horrible sense of helplessness it gave him along with that.) If he’d been more accepting of the idea that this is obviously going to take him a while and he needed to pace himself, maybe this would have needed multiple sessions to wear him down into giving up.

But nope, no way Kaito’s going to accept any kind of compromise like that. It’s never going to occur to him that stopping before he reaches his limit rather than pushing himself way too far past it, or, god forbid, not even taking the bait at all, is by far the better option. A more sensible person would be able to see that that’s strategically saving his strength for when he knows he’s going to need it, and it’s not even giving up when he knows his sidekicks are coming for him in the end. But Kaito’s definition of a hero can’t afford to do any of those things. Heroes have unlimited strength, and they certainly don’t need anyone else to save them.

Kaito feeling this way about this is just putting himself in a horrendous lose-lose situation: even if he somehow happened to choose not to torture himself pointlessly (or rather, when he does that in chapter 4), he’ll instead be taking the psychological hit of feeling like he’s lost. There is no winning here, not if you’re Kaito. Which, again, is why a contraption like this was perfect and I just had to do this to him.

Shout-outs to a scene in the Breaking Bad movie El Camino for inspiring this contraption, by the way – I edited it significantly to better suit my purposes, but that gave me a foundation to start from. I liked this idea more than just some sort of basic electroshock-triggered-by-pulling-against-chains mechanism that I’d been vaguely envisaging at first, because being physically dragged across the floor gives far more of that visceral sense of helplessness that I needed to inflict so much of on Kaito.

…And, uh, thankfully, it also made sense that the child-slave assassin cult might already have a contraption like this for other reasons, because it would have been a bit much to buy that they built something that elaborate just for Kaito. My original plan for this scene mentioned the device being used on the kids but otherwise didn’t have that big of a focus on Kaito initially trying to escape it on their behalf – he was mostly supposed to throw himself into it on his own behalf. I guess I just hadn’t properly thought about that enough during planning, since the kids weren’t the reason I created the contraption. Thankfully, when I was actually writing the scene, my mental simulation of Kaito became exactly as horrified and furious about what’d been done to those kids as Kaito should, and I let him run with that, because that was far more fun and far more Kaito than him only really thinking about himself.

(This never happened to Maki in particular, though. The fact that she “willingly” volunteered herself meant she was never desperate enough to escape that they needed to do this to her.)

Chapter 3

At one point while brainstorming possible ideas, I was hit with the thought of Kaito finding out that his lead torturer was the same person who trained and tortured Maki. I had some fun imagining Kaito’s reaction to that and a hypothetical back-and-forth exchange between him and the torturer about the awful things he’d put Maki through. Except then I realised that having this conversation, fiercely standing up for Maki and calling out her abuser’s awfulness, was giving Kaito way too much emotional strength – and as fun as that was, I couldn’t let him have that, not when I was trying to erode that emotional strength of his as fast as possible.

So then it occurred to me: maybe his torturer could also realise that having this hero-versus-villain confrontation would give Kaito strength, and so he deliberately completely blanks Kaito’s attempts at this, entirely refusing to engage with him and give him what he wants. That’d deflate the strength Kaito was trying to get from it and result in him feeling even more powerless and useless, excellent!

This incidentally meant that Kaito needed to realise that his torturer was Maki’s trainer by chance, without the torturer actually being the one to bring it up and tell him. This was when I realised that I’d need to give this guy a name, even if it was just an alias. It needed to be a Japanese name, and I’m not familiar enough with Japanese names to be comfortable just picking a random surname in case it had a meaning or connotation that didn’t fit at all. Therefore, I figured (especially since it’s an alias and not his real name), screw it, why not deliberately make it meaningful – and the best way I could think to do that was through the kabuki theme.

I’d already looked into the significance of the kabuki pattern on Kaito’s shirt and the meaning of red (hero) versus blue (villain) a while back, upon realising thanks to this post that that was why that pattern was there. I could not believe that I’d been fixating on Kaito for like a year and a half at the time while being completely unaware of such a delightful detail about his character design – so I guess I wanted to make up for lost time or something by making such a point of it in this fic. That’s why I went and had Kaito’s torturers be thematically-conveniently wearing kabuki-villain-makeup masks to contrast his shirt, giving Kaito an extra excuse to think of this as an overly-simplistic Hero Versus Villain thing that he is therefore totally going to win because heroes always do.

So in order to come up with a name for the “villain” here, I looked into that a bit more. I spent a while looking up famous kabuki plays on Wikipedia, and after a false start in which I was looking at totally the wrong style of kabuki theatre – turns out it’s only a certain style that even uses that makeup – I found a famous play in the overexaggerated-makeup-style called “Shibaraku!”, which turned out to be hilariously appropriate. The hero of the play is apparently the “stereotypical bombastic hero” of kabuki theatre, who shows up in the nick of time to stop a prince and a princess from being wrongfully executed (cough cough, he’s saving two people, a guy and a girl, from an undeserved certain death, how very fitting). He monologues lengthily about his supernatural powers that he just randomly has because of course he’s that cool, proves that the villain has unlawfully usurped the throne and gets him to back down just by using words, and then there’s a gratuitous fight scene at the end in which he effortlessly takes out all the villain’s henchmen anyway, solely to show off his awesome superpowers. I absolutely could not with how perfect a match this was to the kind of over-the-top invincible hero Kaito thinks he needs to be, and so I just had to name Takehira after the villain from that play.

And ultimately, the fact that I’d given him a name that Kaito could think of him by for the rest of the fic meant that this was kind of the point at which Takehira started to take shape in my head as an actual character, rather than just an empty placeholder inflicting this torture on Kaito because someone had to do it. I think that was definitely a good thing for the fic… though I can’t believe that as a result I now technically have a Danganronpa OC who is a manipulative child-torturing asshole. How. How did it come to this.

The actual torture method for this chapter wasn’t inspired by anything in particular; I just used my imagination to add some variations to the regular beating that’d give Kaito more of that all-important visceral sense of helplessness. Again, this was conveniently something the cult might be used to doing, since it happened to fit Maki’s description of what’d been done to her quite well. I guess I also now have a very weirdly specific headcanon of exactly what Maki is talking about in her third FTE.

Chapters 1 and 3 both fade to black in the middle of the torture sessions, and then the next chapters cut back in once it’s over and Kaito’s resting. This was mostly just a decision I made early on out of what was essentially writerly laziness. I knew things were going to go on for long enough that it wasn’t remotely reasonable to cover all of it directly, but my writing style focuses so much on just writing things directly as they happen that I find it difficult to get less direct and more summary-ish in order to imply things happening while a large amount of time passes. I managed it in chapters 2 and 5 and kind of 6 here, so apparently I can do it when I need to, but in the planning stages, the thought of doing that was daunting enough that I just tried to avoid it whenever possible by taking the lazy way out and using a scene break.

I lamented later, after I’d started writing and my scene plans were too finalised to change, that it could have been fun to write Kaito’s physical and emotional reactions to the end of these beatings: after the pain had built up so much and become more and more overwhelmingly hard to bear, his desperate relief at realising that it’s finally over (for now) and he’s going to be able to just rest. There’d have been a lot of weakness and vulnerability from him in those moments that he’d have had a difficult time hiding.

But then again, while this was completely unintentional of me and just born from my hang-ups as a writer, maybe there’s also something fun about the fact that I never showed that vulnerability. As soon as he could once he was resting, Kaito would have mentally pulled himself back together and convinced himself that he never really felt that weak and vulnerable towards the end of the beatings, nope, that just didn’t happen at all. So not showing that vulnerability and only jumping back into Kaito’s inner monologue after he’s managed to paper over it is perhaps an appropriate way to go about this, given the way I’d been pointedly having the narration only directly mention things that Kaito was letting himself think about in general. It really didn’t ever happen, see!? Kaito is still basically fine!

Chapter 4

My idea for this chapter was for it to appear to be setting itself up to be another chapter in which Kaito tortures himself trying to escape the contraption – and then he just… doesn’t, because he’s too hurt and exhausted, not to mention legitimately traumatised from how awful an ordeal it ended up being the last time he tried. And because he’s telling himself that he should be trying to escape, expecting himself to go at it again, he ends up feeling like he’s failing, even though all he’s really doing is making the sensible decision to take the chance to rest and not torture himself unnecessarily. He knows his sidekicks are coming for him, so he’s not really giving up at all, but he feels like he is.

I therefore originally thought of this as actually being just a rest chapter that pushes Kaito’s mental deterioration along a bit more, but in which he isn’t actually being tortured for once (aside from the one time he triggers the contraption). However, as I was writing it, I realised how awful it is to not be able to sleep properly when you’re exhausted and desperately need to (which is precisely why the cable was left higher this time so he couldn’t even sit down), and that that’s definitely a type of torture too. So, whoops, guess this is still a chapter in which Kaito is being tortured after all. He gets absolutely no real chances to rest here. (He would have done if he hadn’t taken the bait in chapter 2, but.)

This was also supposed to be the halfway point of the fic, and it still kind of is in a narrative sense, but in terms of length? Ahaha, not quite.

Chapter 5

My general brainstorming had already given me the idea of Kaito stubbornly declaring that his sidekicks are on a lengthy series of different planets upon being repeatedly asked where they are, as both a coping mechanism and a fuck-you to his torturers. This idea also included the notion of him eventually running out of planets not because he didn’t know any more, but just because the pain got too overwhelmingly much for him to think straight, leading him to be unable to deny that this was getting to him and beat himself up about that, spurring his transition into phase 2 of his character arc. At first I was just vaguely imagining this happening without a specific torture method to go with it, but I decided on the water torture for it in the end. This particular method gives convenient regular intervals in which Kaito can give his series of planets and long periods in between in which he can be stubbornly distracting himself with space facts. But most importantly, it’s a torture method which is less about pain and more about fear, aka the exact thing I needed to force Kaito into finally acknowledging he was feeling.

Another shout-out goes to a scene from the How to Train Your Dragon book series (a series I highly recommend in general) for making me realise the potential inherent in water torture. I knew “water torture” was a thing but had never quite understood how you could torture someone with water or why it was awful and terrifying until reading that scene. If it wasn’t for that, this chapter would have been something entirely different and probably less fun.

Also, can you believe that the mirror wasn’t even a part of this scene until quite late into the planning? I’d pictured Kaito being able to look straight at Takehira while above water in order to stubbornly yell at him about space, except I realised that wouldn’t work when, whoops, sinks are generally against walls. Then I realised that sinks often come with mirrors on said wall and that would work. Then I realised that Kaito would also be able to see far more interesting and relevant things in a mirror than just Takehira’s mask, and that this would also be perfect for pushing Kaito into admitting how weak he (supposedly) is. So that part happened kind of completely by accident.

Because of the fact that I’d been picturing Takehira as standing opposite Kaito until I realised the sink would be against the wall, he also wasn’t originally the one holding Kaito underwater. It was only after I’d written the scene without it that I realised, wait a minute, of course Takehira should be the one doing that to Kaito personally; it’s way better that way (he’s the one Kaito is specifically thinking about trying to win against, after all) than if it’s just one of the random mooks. The one stepping on Kaito’s face at the beginning of the chapter also wasn’t originally Takehira until I realised that that obviously made the most sense and had the most impact. Can’t believe I missed both of those obvious choices in the planning. I guess I was still figuring out Takehira’s character as I went along.

Since Kaito ended up so viscerally traumatised in particular by Takehira grabbing his hair, and since that’d have been a lot less possible if Kaito had still had the hairstyle, can we talk about how I completely accidentally foreshadowed this in my original cult takedown AU post? Maki told Kaito to ditch the hairstyle, so he… stuck his head under some water for a couple of minutes. That time it was a shower and he could breathe just fine, but still. (I edited in the interjection about how there must be a downside to it later, after having written enough of the fic to have decided it was canon that he ironically said that in mock-indignation while never genuinely believing there would be one. But everything else about that bullet point was written before I’d even remotely started wanting to write this fic and conceiving this chapter’s events.)

Obviously I had to do some research about SPACE for this chapter, because Kaito would definitely be reciting accurate Space Facts. Originally he was only going to be listing planets, starting with the solar system and then moving onto exoplanets. Except, just like Kaito awkwardly remembered once he got to Proxima Centauri b, I learned during my research that actually there aren’t really any other exoplanets with unique names, so that option was kind of a bust. Then I remembered that there’s a ton of moons in the solar system with unique names, so I figured Kaito would go for those too and started looking those up. (Takehira wasn’t surprised when Kaito moved onto Phobos and Deimos because he’d read Kaito’s public Hope’s Peak file and knew he was the Ultimate Astronaut, so he was expecting Kaito to do something like that. But the henchmen hadn’t been told that fact, hence why they were surprised. Still, this was probably not the weirdest impromptu coping mechanism they’d seen from one of their torture victims.)

Then I saw during my research that Saturn’s moons included Atlas and Prometheus, and I just couldn’t resist the gratuitous-self-referencing potential. See an ask reply from earlier for more of my thought process with this bit. This was also the moment I realised that Pandora was such a great fit for Maki – I basically just looked at all the feminine-named moons of Saturn in the hope that one of them would fit her because I really wanted to do this shameless-symbolism thing and didn’t want to leave Maki out of it, and luckily I found one. (The reason I brought this up kind of out of nowhere when a slightly less recent ask related to my P4 AU gave me an excuse to do so was very much because it was going to be in the fic and I wanted people to potentially be able to get the reference if they cared.)

Knowing the well-known moons for each planet makes it possible to count just how many times Kaito would have been forced to the brink of drowning here. It was three times before he started the space thing, then he did space, the moon, Mercury to Pluto (minus Earth), Phobos, Deimos, Europa, Io, Callisto, Ganymede, Titan, Enceladus, Titania, Oberon, Triton, Charon, Proxima Centauri b, the Andromeda Galaxy, like four other galaxies, Kerberos, Styx, Nix, Hydra, Pandora, Prometheus, Atlas, then five or so more times before Takehira realises he still isn’t breaking and gives up. That all adds up to something a little over forty times Kaito had to endure that. He is so strong, and his space-facts coping mechanism genuinely helped so much in that it meant he was only consciously terrified for a small fraction of it all.

I also did a little bit of rather more hands-on research for this chapter, namely holding my breath for as long as I could to get an idea of how to describe what it feels like when it seems as if you can’t possibly hold it any more, since I had to describe that quite a lot. And I may have also filled a sink with water and stuck my face in it a few times to get a sense of the physical sensations one would be most immediately conscious of when that happens. (Don’t worry; this was emphatically not done at the same time as holding my breath for as long as I absolutely could. In fact, I found my brain automatically making me surface much sooner than I’d expected to need to, leading to the conclusion that, damn, water torture must be even more horrendously awful than I’d imagined and Kaito is amazing for being able to endure it for so long.)

So if I ever get asked, as an author, “what’s the weirdest research you’ve ever done for a story?” – well, now I have a very good answer.

Chapter 6

There was also some hands-on research done for this one, involving lying on the floor, folding my arms behind my back, trying to keep my ankles together and then seeing how easy it was to move around in that position. Answer: it’s really difficult and awkward even when you’re not horribly injured and in a lot of pain, so Kaito must have had a great time.

And my final shout-out for torture method inspiration goes to Danganronpa V3 itself, of course. There’s canonically a poison that inflicts horrible pain and is explicitly used to torture people for information? Excellent. All I needed was a quick handwave as to why it won’t kill Kaito here despite being explicitly lethal in canon – which really is just a bonus because that means that the pain can get even worse and last even longer than it would normally – and I was good to go. You may have noticed that I had Kaito be injected with Strike-9 in his left arm, aka exactly where Maki’s poisoned arrow hit him in another universe. …Honestly it’s kind of impractical for them to have injected him in the arm when the ropes would have made the poison’s circulation from there way slower (though I guess we could pretend that was meant to be the point). I might have otherwise gone for Kaito being injected in the neck – easier to access and much more viscerally unpleasant – but screw it, I wanted the parallel to how he was poisoned by Strike-9 in canon, sue me.

For this chapter, I needed a torture method that’d really push Kaito into being convinced that he absolutely couldn’t take it, and that’d let him see just how amazing he was being when he realised that he still could. So it seemed appropriate to use this one, in which the only real limit to how painful it could get was my imagination – and I like to think I’ve got a pretty good one of those. (And, for that matter, Kaito’s imagination let him become incredibly scared of it before it’d even remotely reached its full effects on him. Because he’s so scared already, he’s imagining the absolute worst, which he’d never have done until he was in phase 2. That helped, too.)

Although, I say I could just use my imagination here, but I actually based this quite a bit on some more research I did. (This fic required more research than probably every other fic I’ve ever written combined; I guess I just don’t usually write about stuff that requires particularly specialist knowledge.) I looked into the effects of strychnine, the real-life horribly painful poison that Strike-9 is named after and loosely based on. …Well, technically it’s only named after it in the game’s localisation – in Japanese it’s just called “lethal torture poison”, a fact I also referenced in-fic – but it does still seem to be based on strychnine either way based on a comment Kokichi makes about finding it harder to breathe, which is indeed the usual way that strychnine kills somebody.

Since fictional Strike-9 is not exactly the same anyway (real strychnine does not have an antidote), I knew I could take some liberties, such as with the non-lethality handwave drug, but I still got inspiration for quite a few of its effects on Kaito from things I’d read about strychnine. One of the biggest effects of strychnine appears to be painful muscle spasms, which admittedly doesn’t seem to fit with canon Strike-9 based on the fact that neither Kaito nor Kokichi are ever shown spasming while under its effects. I dealt with that minor detail by deciding it was possible to consciously hold down the spasms up to a certain point – but also that doing so still hurts anyway, of course, because what would be the point if it didn’t.

It was also appropriate, given that this was when Kaito’s self-loathing was at its absolute peak, that this was a kind of torture that essentially felt to Kaito like it wasn’t even being inflicted on him by the torturers (even though he knew it was) and was just coming from inside him. So it was almost as if everything making Kaito suffer here was all from himself. Having him not be distracted by what the torturers were doing to him from the outside here also made it easy for him to get as introspective as I wanted him to. These aspects were actually unplanned; it was just a happy coincidence that the torture method I’d already chosen for this happened to work so well in these ways, too.

My friend antialiasis deserves credit for the part later in the chapter where Kaito’s realisation that he’s still a hero sends him into a weird triumphant euphoria that actually makes the pain go away for a bit. She proposed that while we were throwing ideas around in the conversation that sparked off me realising this’d be a really fun fic to write. Or, well, most of the conversation was me throwing ideas at her and her going “yes good” – but this one was hers, and I liked it a lot so I included it. It seemed so right that, upon Kaito finally realising how proud he deserved to be of himself, that feeling should have a real tangible impact on him despite all the pain.

Chapter 7

At first, my ideas of how Kaito would eventually be rescued were rather vague and… sort of unsatisfying? Not that Kaito didn’t absolutely need to be reunited with his friends, of course, both for the cathartic relief of everything finally being over, and to explore how he was now comfortable showing vulnerability in front of them. But it seemed kind of narratively awkward that he’d gone through so much hell to finally learn how being a hero really worked, only for his friends to then come along and end things in a way that was completely unrelated to the psychological conflict and character arc that he’d been having.

My original vague scenario for the rescue was something like Maki bursting into the room where Kaito’s being held and taking out his torturers to free him. Then I considered that if Maki and Shuichi were coming as part of a big government raid, the torturers might have already rushed out to try and deal with that as soon as it got there, leaving Kaito tied up and alone and hoping for someone to find him (especially if he’s still in need of an antidote, which I’m pretty sure was one of my ideas at that point). But then it occurred to me that, wait, if they were going to deal with the raid, then wouldn’t it make the most sense for the cultists to want to use Kaito as a hostage, knowing he’s important to Shuichi and Maki?

Which at first was a big problem, because I couldn’t quite see a way for Kaito to get out of that situation alive, and yet I refused to imagine an end to this story in which he didn’t. I came up with the way he got out of it purely in a desperate attempt to let him survive somehow (having concluded that the hostage situation really was the most likely way for events to unfold and it’d be kinda contrived for it to not happen at all). And it just so happened, purely by accident, that this escape method I’d come up with involved Kaito feigning weakness, something he’d never have dreamed of doing at the beginning before his character development – which suddenly made the rescue finally feel narratively satisfying. Kaito was saved not just by unrelated outside factors that would have happened anyway, but because of something he did thanks to what he’d learned from his character arc (while still not having been able to do it without his friends’ help, which he’d also learned to be okay with!).

And it was around this point that I started to seriously decide I was going to write this fic. It was finally starting to come together and feel like more than just some fun hypotheticals that were interesting to self-indulgently think about, but also an actual satisfying story that really deserved to be written.

Since I had a detailed outline and could start the actual writing from pretty much any point, the first part I fully wrote was in fact the hug in chapter 7. This was, after all, the Most Important Part that deserved the most passive editing time to give it as much polish as possible. By that, I mean that I’ll often reread bits I wrote just for fun and make small tweaks without consciously thinking of it as an Editing Session – which would usually mean, if I wrote in order, that the end of a thing naturally winds up a bit less polished than the beginning. I didn’t want that for the Very Important Hug, so I wrote it first on purpose to avoid that.

And while I was never not having immense fun writing this, sometimes it would also get a bit emotionally exhausting to write the more brutal torture parts while so deep in Kaito’s head. So it was nice to be able to wind down from a writing session like that by reading over the hug scene and having the catharsis of knowing that Kaito was going to be okay in the end.

Fun with Ctrl+F

The types of words Kaito was willing to use in his inner monologue to describe what he was going through underwent some pretty big shifts as things deteriorated, some of them deliberate on my part and some just unconscious. And, thanks to AO3’s feature of loading all chapters of the fic on one page, and my browser’s word-search feature putting a marker on the scroll bar at each instance of the searched word, I can get some data that actually visualises the distribution of certain key words throughout the fic.

So what the hey, let’s take a look at some of this. You want graphs? I have graphs. Sort of.

The grey bars are a screenshot of my scroll bar, with the yellow markers on them being instances of that word. Also with indicators to separate the chapters, and to mark where I consider each of the three key phases in Kaito’s character arc (discussed in the previous post) to shift into the next. (Daaaaamn though how did chapters 5 and 6 end up so long. Also I told you phase 1 was the longest one; it’s about as long as phases 2 and 3 combined.)

Pain: 110 words Hurt: 54 words

As you can see, Kaito spends the first chapter and a half – more like chapter and two-thirds, really – definitely not being in any pain at all (or at least, if he is, it’s totally irrelevant and not worthy of mention). But when the pain finally does show up, it’s suddenly all pain all the time with no gradual build-up. Funny, that – almost like it was really all pain all the time from the beginning, too.

It was very freeing once I got past that point in chapter 2 and could finally just have Kaito’s inner monologue say that it hurt whenever I wanted to communicate that fact. Getting that across without directly acknowledging it had been kind of fun, but it’d have driven me mad if it’d gone on for much longer than this.

Chapter 5 is a somewhat less pain-filled chapter than the rest, for obvious reasons. There’s also this interesting patch in the depths of chapter 6 where “hurt” became more common than “pain” for a little while. This wasn’t at all conscious of me, but it might be because “pain” is a slightly more detached way to think about it than an immediate, reactionary “it hurts” – and in the desperate, near-broken state that Kaito was in at that point, he was more likely to be doing the latter.

Agony: 26 words

It was very deliberate of me that the first use of this word was during the hellish near-drowning ordeal that caused Kaito to completely forget Atlas and “lose” his Very Important Space Competition. And then after that point I just let myself use it whenever it felt appropriate, so naturally there’s a lot of it in chapter 6. There were definitely some points earlier than this in which the average person would have described what Kaito was feeling as “agony” – heck, that probably happened as early as chapter 2 – but Kaito was not willing to admit so early on that he was hurting that much. It was only once his mental state had grown weaker that he began to actually describe it that way to himself.

Scream: 33 words

Kaito was a little more willing to admit this one earlier on (though not quite as early as this makes it look – that first one was a scream of rage, which is way more acceptable than a scream of pain, and the second is just his shoulders “screaming” at him in protest and not a sound Kaito made). Actual noises that he physically makes do, after all, have a lot less plausible deniability to them. That said, he had some “piercing yell”s in chapter 2 that most people would have called screams, but nope, they definitely weren’t that, not when he’s totally not even in any remotely significant amount of pain yet.

Scared: 33 words Weak: 32 words

“Scared” isn’t the only fear-related word, but it’s the most common one. And yep, of course this one doesn’t show up until phase 2. (That one in chapter 3 is an outlier; he’s talking about how the cult is scared of Shuichi taking them down.)

It was also deliberate of me to not have Kaito use the word “weak” until phase 2 (the chapter 1 instance is another outlier, talking about the kids and not himself). In fact, I consider the moment he calls himself weak for the first time to be the moment phase 2 begins. Up until then, he’d been doing a lot of questioning how strong he is and worrying he might not be strong enough, but once he starts to outright think of himself as possibly being weak, that’s something that’s him actively failing at being a hero and is a lot harder for him to take back and deny.

But though these two words both show up at around the same time, look at how “scared” is then still used a lot in phase 3 (some of those are about the cultists being scared of him, but plenty are still Kaito’s own fear), whereas “weak” is used a lot less from then on, and never to describe Kaito as actually being weak. While him being scared was always true, him being weak never was, at least not in the sense of weakness that really matters.

Pathetic: 28 words

There are various ways in which Kaito expresses his self-loathing, but this is probably the most common single word that’s always used in that way, so it’s the best way to get us a measure of this. It first appears near the end of chapter 2 but is more scattered earlier on, disappears in chapter 5 while he is in SPACE and obviously Totally Handling It, and then reappears with vicious abandon as he tumbles into phase 2 of his arc. I remember thinking to myself at one point while writing around then, “Kaito, you did not need to call yourself pathetic three times in the same page, calm down.” Turns out it was definitely more than one particular page he was being like that for.

Interestingly, this kind of lessens itself out around when he’s finished his uncontrollable sobbing fit over getting his friends killed. I guess at that point he just couldn’t possibly drag himself any deeper than he already was, and so there was no need for him to be quite so vicious to himself? I’m not sure; this part wasn’t on purpose.

Helpless: 30 words

This one’s honestly kind of less about Kaito’s mental deterioration and opinion of himself. A lot of the time it’s more about the fact that he’s just being externally rendered helpless whether he likes it and would want to agree with it or not. But I was curious as to how many times I used that word: quite a few, it turns out. Still in a somewhat higher concentration during chapter 6, too, as you’d expect.

Tortur: 26 words

(Without the “e” so that the search also catches “torturing”.)

You might expect this one to be used a lot more, since the entire fic is almost nothing but Kaito being tortured. But… most of the time, he doesn’t really like to think about that fact. He’s not precisely lying to himself about it and trying to tell himself he’s not being tortured or anything because that’d be a bit too obviously untrue, so it’ll come up occasionally whenever it’s necessary for him to think that word. But still, he’s trying not to dwell on it.

(Also, fun fact, “waterboarding” is, as antialiasis informed me when she read the fic, a term for a very specific kind of water torture that is not actually what was done to Kaito in chapter 5. However, since it seems that’s a fairly common misconception, I let Kaito have that misconception too and left his line about that as-is, mostly because I didn’t want to change it to “water torture” and have him use the word “torture” again when he didn’t have to.)

The exception here is chapter 6, where that word’s a little bit more frequent than in the other chapters, now that Kaito is openly terrified and can no longer stop himself from freaking out about the fact that he’s being tortured and it’s awful and he doesn’t want any of this. As phase 2 set in, I deliberately had Kaito quietly switch his mental terms for the cultists from “henchmen” or “captors”, to “torturers”. They were his torturers the entire time, obviously, but he only began to actively think of them that way when he could no longer hide from how nightmarish this whole thing was.

Hero: 85 words

Man, Kaito uses that word a lot in this fic. Honestly, this is way more than he’d usually use it – normally it’s a lot more frequent to hear “sidekick” from him than “hero” – but in this instance he is fervently clinging to that concept as the thing that he needs to be, or else. Which is really incredibly unhealthy of him, considering what his standards for living up to that are, up until he figures out what it really means.

There’s considerably less “hero”ing in chapter 5 despite him being very stubbornly Totally Fine for most of that chapter. I mentioned that and the reason for it in part 1 of this author’s commentary, and it’s only because of these Ctrl+F-ing shenanigans of mine that I’d even noticed that.

Sidekick: 34 words

The use of this one has less to do with Kaito’s mental state – except when it vanishes for most of chapter 6 – and is more just because this really is how Kaito will naturally refer to Shuichi and Maki together when not using their names. It still shows up at a lot of the same points that “hero” does, for obvious reasons. And then also in chapter 5 when his sidekicks are in SPACE, even though his mental jury is out at that point on whether or not he’s really a hero.

Friend: 29 words

This word only shows up once Kaito breaks down upon thinking he’s getting his friends killed. Impressively, he then manages to use it almost as many times as he used “sidekick” throughout the entire thing. Which is good. They are his friends and that is Important.

Having him not use the word for most of the fic was deliberate. I’ve talked in one of my commentary posts about the kind-of-heartbreaking fact that Kaito almost never refers to his sidekicks as “friends” and might not even quite realise that’s what they are. So at some point during this fic, along with getting Kaito to realise it’s okay for heroes to be vulnerable, I also wanted him to figure this one out, too. I wasn’t sure exactly when that’d happen, mind you, and just kind of winged it when I saw the best opportunity during the actual writing process. Being broken into believing that he doesn’t even deserve to call them his sidekicks any more and that he’s going to get them killed is, uh, not exactly the happiest way for Kaito to finally realise and fully accept that they’ve always been his best friends, but, well, it got him there.

And most importantly, he kept thinking of them that way even after regaining the ability to think of them as his sidekicks, too. They can be his heroes, sidekicks and best friends all in one.

[jswdmb1]

24 Frames

“You thought God was an architect, now you know

He's something like a pipe bomb ready to blow

And everything you built that's all for show 

goes up in flames - in twenty- four frames”

- Jason Isbell

This may come as a shock, especially to those who know me well, but I can be very stubborn. Sometimes this can work into my favor as it helps bolster confidence when I take a difficult position that I know is right, or it can help me persist when odds are long such as starting a new business.  But this often is a character trait that I know can hold me back.  In particular, I bristle at things I am told that I “should” do even when it clearly would be in my best interest to do whatever is being suggested.  It usually takes someone equally stubborn to get me to move off of my position, but this did happen recently.

My wife is always on me to watch various different television programs, but I always balk.  I watch some TV but is it well documented (on this blog) that it is pretty much limited to PBS and reruns of old game shows and sitcoms.  I don’t like to leave that comfort zone, and it takes a lot for me to try out a new show – especially one that is episodic that expects you to come back week-after-week. I know that means I miss out on a lot of good stuff, but I’m okay with that as it allows me to keep my time on the tube under control and I don’t get more involved with something than I really want to be.  But on this one particular show, she was quite persistent, and I was challenged to at least give it a try.

The show is Schitt’s Creek, and I am sure you have heard of it if you do not already know it well. If you haven’t seen it, do not worry, as I will not be disclosing too much about the program.  Even if you have heard a lot about it and feel you know the story, part of the charm of the show is watching the characters develop throughout the series, so plot turns and the such are not as important as in some other episodic series.  The basic plot is that an extremely wealthy family of four, including two adult children, are forced to move to a small town when they lose everything overnight due to a business manager not paying taxes.  The series starts with the scene of revenue agents raiding their mansion as the family frantically collects a few belongings, so no time is spent on their past life.  Every moment from the first scene is spent on their life afterwards which involves living somewhere in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of regular folks.  It sounds like a typical fish-out-of-water setting (think the second Bob Newhart show for the closest example), and that is certainly mined for plenty of laughs, but it quickly becomes clear that the show is about much more than this.

That is all you are going to get from me about the actual show, because no more details are relevant to the rest of this post.  Except that the acting in this show is brilliant and worth watching for that alone.  The father and mother are played by Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara, both of whom I have been watching for decades in their various film roles and on the hilarious SCTV program.  The chemistry between the two is so natural and genuine that you quickly adopt them as Johnny and Moira Rose and forget their 40+ years in show business as other characters.  The children played by Levy’s son Dan and Annie Murphy are equally good and get a lot of the laughs as their clear lack of reality in their past lives plays to insane results when applied to the real world of the town of Schitt’s Creek.  The supporting cast is not just a bunch of wacky neighbors but add much depth to the show and develop themselves over the course of the series, especially the character of Stevie played by Emily Hampshire. The character of Roland Schitt, played by Chris Elliot, may be the best second banana on television since Cosmo Kramer. Again, none of this gives away much if anything about the show or the various plot arcs, but it should give you extra motivation to watch as talent like this collecting in one place is rare indeed.

And why exactly am I so intent on you watching this show?  While the quality of the program and the enjoyment it will provide you is enough reason to dive in, I have discovered a much greater purpose to following the evolving journey of the Roses.  Even though the show was created over five years ago, and largely wrapped production on its sixth season before 2020, it has become for me the perfect allegory for the United States right now.  Our country is going through the same experience that the Roses went through much of the first two seasons.  After the sudden event of COVID-19, we found ourselves much in a place like Schitt’s Creek. Over seven months into this pandemic, we are still stuck in what life was like before and when will it ever return. I do not think this is much of a spoiler alert for anyone who is rational, but how the way things were is never coming back.  COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on our society, and we like to blame it for all of our current problems, but it simply laid bare all of our faults and weaknesses almost overnight.  We are now no longer able to push those existential problems aside and have to face them head on. Many of us are not up for the challenge and would like something to change things back overnight, but that is not happening.  It doesn’t matter if there is a vaccine, or a new president, we have to face that we collectively lived lives that were not grounded in reality and our fates hung delicately in the balance just waiting for something like COVID-19 to come and bring it crashing down.  Just like the Roses lost everything in one quick raid, we now find ourselves building our lives all over again in a strange place where we are very uncomfortable.

Now I know that is difficult to hear and very depressing, but here comes the good part.  Just because things have changed does not necessarily mean that we can’t grow and develop into something even better than we had before. Obviously, a deadly disease like COVID-19 is not something we ever wanted, and it has brought countless suffering and death to too many people, but it does provide for a starting point to helping us grow beyond some of the shallower lives we lead previously.  It may take a lot of tough love, but we will eventually get the virus under control and the big question will be what is next.  For me, there needs to be an evolution past wherever we were before this all went down. I think our guide can be the Rose family in Schitt’s Creek.  The a-ha moment for me came at the end of season two titled “Happy Anniversary”.  I will disclose nothing more about it other than to say it was a transformative episode not only for the Roses, but for my own outlook on things as we move into what will be a very dark winter.  

If you are a watcher of the series, some of this may make more sense to you, but I think even you could benefit from another viewing to see if you can apply some of this to your own life as well.  I am actually only through Season 3 so far (I know enough about what lies ahead to be able to write this post, but it hasn’t ruined a thing for me), but I am already making plans for starting over to pick up things I missed the first time around. And it is important that you start in the beginning and move through the episodes sequentially.  Not so much because you will lose the story, as many of the stories are self-contained within an episode, but because you will miss out on the character development along the way (again, kudos to the actors and actresses in this show who so brilliantly developed these characters). I know this is playing it up quite a bit but trust this one-time reluctant viewer to be assured that your time is going to be well spent.

This many come off as a review, but it really is not.  I mean, if I were a reviewer, I would include some of the above in my story (and end with four stars or whatever the highest rating is), but this has become so much more for me.  It has served as a life-saving antidote to the poison spewed in traditional media and social media that makes me nauseous on a daily basis.  I find myself occasionally daydreaming about a funny scene I saw, or a subtle profound moment in the show, which has replaced some of the constant worry about the pandemic, or economy, or the election, all of which have a life-or-death feeling to them.  It has proven to be a rare new tool in my arsenal against anxiety and it will end up being one of my lasting memories of 2020.  That is a lot to say for one show about a year as particularly disastrous as this one, but I sincerely believe that.  

So, don’t be like me and be stubborn if you haven’t seen this show.  As soon as you read my last sentence, get yourself on Netflix and start watching with Season 1, Episode 1.  And make sure you don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow because the one negative is that it will be hard to stop once you get started.  But I think it is okay right now to binge on something that is finally showing us that there is a way to succeed in life without putting others down or placing selfish pursuits over relationships.  So, dig in and enjoy and I promise that I have learned one other thing throughout this experience – keep an open mind.  Because when you keep your mind closed, you shut out a world of possibilities, even when that world seems to have none.  

Enjoy,

Jim

[positiveparker]

I Miss You Part 7 (Haz Osterfield)

Hi everyone :) Thank you for all the support on my other fics! I think I am gonna try and make the next part the end of the series because I don't want it to be dragged out eeeek. I promise I will make it a good ending! :) - L

- pairing ; haz x reader (I finally changed it! Also sorry if it floods up the Haz tags with Tom stuff)

- warnings ; swearing! fluff! kinda smut (BUT ITS KINDA NOT COS I CANT FOR THE LIFE OF ME WRITE SMUT), angst (maybe if you squint)

- song ; Happiness by Rex Orange County (listen here)

- masterlist

- prompt list

not my gif

“(y/n) I-“ Tom muttered

“So thats it, you’ve been cheating with her this whole time” I interrupted. I shoved my hand in the direction of Z, she looked shocked and offended but at that point I didn’t care. I scrunched my face trying to stop tears from falling, 

“Yes” Tom stuttered softly, he glared at the floor.

“Look at me!” I screamed, my eyes had scrunched too much spilling hot tears. 

“(y/n) I think that’s enough” Haz said grabbing my hand. His warm fingers soothed my seething anger. He rubbed his thumb up and down the top of my hand and then led me away. Our skin touching made my heart skip a beat. We stepped over the glass and he led me out the front door. I still had burning anger at the pit of my stomach so I turned around. Haz jolted back as I came to a stop. 

“you’re a real arsehole you know that, for being mad at me for cheating. When you’re the one screwing around” I spat. Jacob gasped and tried really hard not to laugh. Nicola sort of nodded approvingly at me. I tried to catch a glimpse of everyone as Haz pulled me away. 

“That was badass” He admitted chuckling to himself 

“Thank you Harrison” I laughed, we walked down the street. I didn’t even have any shoes on because I left them on the floor in the living room and I didn’t even have a coat. I rubbed my goosebump covered arms. 

“shit, we left our coats didn’t we?” Haz chuckled

“I’m so freezing oh my god” I said pressing my body against Harrison’s. My teeth violently chattered so he wrapped his arm around me as we walked down the pavement. He grip tightened every so often as I melted into his body. We reached the end of the street and on the corner there was a coffee shop. It had a neon sign in the shape of a coffee cup, its warm orange light reflected on the small droplets of water on the pavement. 

“I’m so cold can we go in there” I pointed

“I agree, I need a cappuccino ASAP” Haz shivered. We stole away into the coffee shop and approached the counter. 

“chocolate latte please” I muttered to the barista, my teeth still chattering. The coffee shop was painted orange and warm indie music was playing out of speakers. 

“cinnamon cappuccino” Haz smiled, I didn't have any money but Haz insisted he still owed me for the Chinese meal. 

We took our scorching drinks and grabbed a sofa. I slumped down into the leather and sipped my drink.

“I am again so sorry about Bella” Haz repeated

“Haz, don’t worry” I slurped

“I know it is a sensitive subject”

“Yeah” I sighed “I haven’t really talked about the whole uni and job thing to you have I?”

“No” Haz replied “But, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” He said softly placing a hand on my arm.

“No it’s fine” I replied “Well, when I met Tom I had just come out of school. I failed all my exams because I was going through a really rough time. My friends all went off to Uni and I didn’t” I could feel myself choking up but I tried to hold myself together by taking another sip of my latte. The warm liquid burned me back to reality, I gazed over at Haz. His hand was still placed supportively on my arm. He could obviously see I was upset so he rubbed his thumb across my arm, pinching the material of my dress at every stroke. He looked so invested in me and what I had to say, it sort of mended my old unstitched wounds. 

I carried on “So, I lived with my parents for a while until I met Tom, he promised to support me financially until I got a proper job. I haven’t applied for anything since…”

“What did you want to do?” Haz asked softly 

“I wanted to direct films” I admitted “But, I didn't have the grades for film school”

“Don’t worry (y/n)” Haz breathed “Is that what you really want to do?” He pressingly asked

“Yes, I have since I was super young. Why?” I replied. Haz smiled and then pulled out his phone.

“What are you doing?” I asked worriedly. I tried to peek at his phone screen but he hid it from me. I protested and tried to grab his phone but he stood up and carried on typing. After a few minutes he sat back down and grinned at me. 

“You are starting at the London Film School in January” He smiled at me. He looked so chuffed with himself. My heart dropped suddenly. 

“What?” 

“My uncle works there, I put in a special recommendation” He smirked nudging my arm with his elbow. 

“That doesn’t mean I have actually got in though” I laughed modestly 

“Well, you need to submit some of your work”

“like a short film?”

“Yeah” Haz said brining his drink to his lips and sipping on it lightly 

“I haven’t got any updated work” I huffed

“Well, why don’t we do a short film together?” Haz suggested

“What? Like you act and I direct?”

“Yes! It’s an amazing idea!” He said excitedly setting down his cup and standing up. “I’ll be the knight, defending the princess from the dragon” He acted it out by flexing his muscles and pretending to be sword fight the air. I laughed and clapped jokily. “Or, a lost man who results to drinking to numb his pain” Haz wobbled around and pretended to chug an invisible bottle.

“Or! A young actor trying to find a job” I cried 

“Yes, and on his journey he meets a young girl who likes film making” 

“Yes, and then they fall madly in love with each other” I said standing up. “It’s set in a country town, by the sea!” Ideas were flowing from my brain and out of my lips. Haz glared at me in awe.

“You really are extraordinary (y/n)” He smirked, He edged closer to me and wrapped his arm around my waist. My face edged closer to his. His grip slowly tightened around me as his arm snaked around my waist more and more. 

“We are closing!” The barista shouted. We both broke from our loving gaze and quickly chugged the rest of our drinks. 

Haz made me feel so comfortable and free. I was so distracted and hadn’t thought of Tom and what he had done since we left the Holland's house. Haz and I thanked the barista and ran back out into the cold with our fingers intertwined together. 

“Stay at my apartment?” Haz suggested as we stumbled happily down the street.

“Well, I was kind of thinking of that already. I don’t want to see Tom for a while” I admitted tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. 

“Yeah, no worries!” Haz said softly “I have a pull out couch”. 

In my heart I knew it was a bit bad of me to be craving to sleep in Haz’s bed but secretly I knew he was joking about the couch. We walked up to his apartment building and he slid his key into the lock and turned it. We tiptoed up the soft carpeted steps and reached his door. 

5

He slid his other key into the lock and I noticed a huge scar on his hand as he twisted it around. 

“What happened to your hand?” I asked

“Oh nothing”

“Show me” I protested, trying to grab his hand. I tugged the keys out of his grip and look at his hand. I uncurled his strong fingers and analysed the huge scar across the inside of his hand. 

“what happened?” I gasped

“Nothing” Haz protested drawing his hand away.

“Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“Because you were there” Haz muttered pressing his head against the door. He looked embarrassed and then I remember the loud noise the night I left his apartment.

“Th- the noise I heard” I stuttered “what did you do” I said worryingly gazing up into his blue eyes

“I smashed a vase on the ground, out of anger” He admitted “It slit my hand when I was picking up the pieces”

“I am sorry” I said grabbing his hand. He looked at me and smiled slightly.

“It’s not your fault, I was an idiot” he huffed 

“An idiot for what” I said taking his hand a kissing his scar lightly

“For ever letting you go” He said. He looked at me passionately and I returned his gaze. He flung the door open and pulled me inside. He grabbed me and I wrapped my arms around him. He picked me up swinging my legs around his hips and sitting me on his counter. Impulse took over and my dress was already off and so was his shirt. Our bodies pressed up against each other, I pushed him down onto the sofa and straddled over him lightly kissing his chest. I reached his stomach and then returned to his soft lips, he flipped me over and propped himself above me. 

“I Miss You” He smiled breathily 

“I Miss You too” I breathed back. 

He grinned and then cupped his hand around my back and I curled my hands in his hair. Then one thing led to another and we were in his room, our bodies intertwining in his sheets. 

I turned over to stare into his eyes. He was drifting off to sleep but immediately came to when I rolled over.

“I love you” He whispered into my ear

“Say it again” I smirked

“I love you (y/n)”

He then proceeded to lean over me and kiss me lightly. First my head then my nose, my cheek, the side of my neck and then he started quickly dotting them all over my face. After every kiss he would softly say “here”. Then he reached my lips and looked down at them. He brushed his finger lightly over them and said “and definitely here”. I bit my lip and then he kissed me, I pushed him over and then I rolled on top of him laughing. I lay my head down on his chest as he stroked my head.

“Your heart is beating so fast” I said placing one of my hands on his chest

“really? Usually when I’m with you it feels like my heart stops” He giggled

“what, so I basically kill you then” I laughed jokily, I knew Haz was going to come out with some beautiful poetic sentence from his soft lips straight after. 

“No, you stop space, time and everything just with your beauty” He whispered softly. I looked up and him and pecked him lightly.

“You aren’t so bad yourself” I laughed, Haz always hated when I killed the lovey dovey mood with my jokes. He sulked and grabbed a pillow slamming it down on my face. I protested and threw it off. I pushed myself over and snuggled down into bed with Haz’s arms comforting me. 

TAGLIST ;

@tomsfireheart @feelingsareharddd @lovelyh0lland @i-dont-wanna-go-mr-stark @hazeyholland @lookclosernow @choke-me-sweet-pea @whatareyouhidingpeter

[dramallamadingdang]

Question Meme: The Run-on Sentence Edition

Hi! I hurt myself again yesterday. No, not in an "self-harm" kind of way but more in the usual (for me) "mountain-climbing incident" sort of way (I hate scree; I was so close to that summit) and got lots of deep bruises and lacerations for my troubles and was in a world of hurt by the time I saw a doctor, and I cracked something that isn't supposed to be cracked and it all hurts enough that I got prescribed narcotics again for a week and I really, really hate narcotics but I really, really like to be able to breathe without feeling like my lungs are being ripped to shreds, so...narcotics it is. 

It might make the answers to this latest iteration of Ye Olde Question Meme rather entertaining, though. Maybe. Maybe just incoherent. Well, whatever, @nekosayuri tagged me, so it's her fault, and I'm bored and my sleep schedule's all outta whack and I haven't even turned on my Simming computer in like three days and am posting this from a non-Simming laptop, so I have nothing else to post and....yeah. So, I'm like high as a kite right now. I mean, it's not totally unusual because I live in Colorado and weed's legal here, but narcotics is a totally different and much less coherent high for me. So, like, fair warning.

I'm not tagging anyone, though. I've no idea who's done this lately...

Name: Katrina

Zodiac Sign: I don't know why I answer this because astrology is a huge crock of BS, but everyone always wants to know so...Taurus. Barely. (Birthday is April 23.)

Height: Still ~6'0"/~182cm. Yay, not shrinking yet!

Languages Spoken: Fluently? At this point, only English. I used to be pretty fluent in Italian and German, but, you know, the saying "use it or lose it" applies, and since I've not had occasion to use those languages much....Well, there we are. I could speak quite a bit of Russian at one time because I spent a chunk of years there, in the late 80s when it was the Soviet Union and shortly thereafter when things were sorta nuts there. But, again, I have lost much of what I once knew. And there are smatterings of other languages that I can speak mostly-useless bits of. I can ask where the restroom is in many languages because I've traveled a lot. :) I do speak fluent bullshit, though...

Nationality: 'Murican. And since 'Muricans are really, really into their "ancestry" for some bizarre-o reason because ‘Murican apparently isn’t good enough...Like, 95% dirty Welsh peasantry (plus some Irish and Scottish thrown in for flavor) on the paternal side and on the maternal side....Well, one of my great-grandfathers was a first cousin of the English Queen Victoria. So basically, my maternal ancestry is the very confused inbred multinational mutt that is European Aristocracy. God only knows what’s in their genes, though my particular bit of it has lots o’ German. 

Favorite Fruit: Okra. It is a fruit. Look it up. Then again, much of what people call "vegetables" is, in fact, fruits, so there's that.

Favorite Scent: I've never really thought about this except when this was a question on a previous iteration of this meme that I did, and I don't remember what answer I came up with then. So I'm just gonna say...Vanilla-scented candles. Not cheap ones that just smell sickly-sweet sort-of-vanilla-y, but these ones that I buy online that smell...well...NOT sickly-sweet and like how vanilla really smells. Alternatively...snickerdoodles when they're baking. Hubby is baking me some snickerdoodles as I speak. Type. Whatever. The house smells really good. Baking bread is good, too. Before the snickerdoodles, hubby was baking the twice-weekly loaf of sourdough.

Favorite Color: Green. And/or orange. I go back and forth about which is really my favorite.

Favorite Animal: Elephants. Or hyenas. Or cats of all shapes/sizes. Or alpacas. Or llamas. Or snakes. Or spiders of all kinds. Or dragonflies. Or...Um, yeah,  I'm pretty much a fan of all vertebrates and terrestrial invertebrates and some aquatic/oceanic invertebrates, too, so...take your pick.

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate all the way. I don't drink coffee because A) I think it tastes and smells disgusting, but even if that wasn't the case B) I can't have caffeine. Tea is OK. Hubby's way into herbal tea, grows/collects and dries herbs and makes his own blends and shit, and I'll drink it mostly to make him happy, but I'm not into it. I do like hot chocolate, though it's hard to find premade mixes that don’t have powdered milk in them (because I’m vegan), so I generally have to make it from scratch, so to speak, and when I do I use cashew milk as the base and I usually add either peppermint or vanilla extract for zing.

Favorite Fictional Character: Can't really pick a fave. So, have a list, probably but perhaps not really in preference order. Spock from Star Trek, who's been a fave of mine since I was 3 and was watching the original Trek in its initial run, and I announced I'd marry Spock one day. Rodney McKay from Stargate: Atlantis and Vala Mal Doran from Stargate SG-1. (Basically, if you cut up those two and glue various bits of their characters together -- and not necessarily their good bits -- you have...me. So I relate really well to both of them, so I like 'em.) Also Jack O'Neill from Stargate SG-1, but he's mostly for reasons of estrogen. (Especially if you stick 'im in dress blues. HUBBA!) Garak from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine because Cardassians Are Love. Jayne from Firefly, also for reasons of estrogen. Big, hairy, dark hair, blue eyes, solid but not too muscle-y...Yep, that's how I likes my men. And Zoe from Firefly, 'cuz OMG she's how I likes my women. HUBBA!

Dream Trip: *sigh* Still Antarctica. It's the only continent I've not been to, and I will get there before I croak, but...not yet.

When was your blog created? IIRC, it was, like, the middle of December 2013. So, I'll have had this thing 5 years soon.

Last Movie You’ve Seen: I couldn't sleep one day like a week ago, so I put on Miss Congeniality, which is one of my favorite movies because Michael Caine. When I can't sleep, I'll usually put on a really familiar movie or TV show and it lulls me to sleep, but it didn't work that time. :(

Song You’ve Had on Repeat: Englishman in New York, by Sting. I have no idea why, but it's been on repeat in my head, though I haven't actually played it lately or anything.

Favorite Candy: Not much of a sweets kind of person. I prefer salty-crunchy. I can eat a whole big bag of crisps (Like, the British ones, which are way better than American potato chips, but American ones will do) easily, but I can't even get through a whole candy bar because, ew, too sweet. That said, I do like Flake bars, but I have to go up to Canada to get 'em. Or else buy 'em online but then usually by the time I get them they're kinda smashed. Or melted. Or both. Better to go up to Canada. Where they have real chocolate and not this sickly-sweet Hershey's crap. *shudder*

Favorite Holiday: When in Canada, Canada Day is quite fun. It's like July 4th only not so...well...chest-beatingly, yahoo-y, "patriotic" 'Murican. (I really, really dislike nationalism and "patriotism" in general but especially the obnoxious 'Murican brand of it.) When in the UK, I have a fondness for Guy Fawkes Night. I guess I like fire and fireworks and things that go boom and shit, only without the "YAY AMERICA!" yelling of America's own "things that go boom" holiday. Other than that...Can't really say I'm into 'em much. They're not even "days off from work" since...Well, I've never had a "real job," and I'm pretty much retired from my unreal job these days.

Last Book You’ve Read: *cough* Does a really long and smutty and slashy Stargate: Atlantis fanfic count? I'm sad to say that, though I was a voracious reader of books when I was younger, I'm really not so much these days. Haven't been for the last decade or so, really. Not of actual books, at least. I do subscribe to and read a number of academic journals, some having to do with science and medicine and some having to do with history, but they're not books. 

Favorite TV Show: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, mostly because it has Cardassians, who are all uniformly awesome, plus all the gritty political and religious goodness and stuff. Except that its last season kinda sucked and did totally WTF things with my second-favorite Cardassian. Close runner-up would be Stargate: Atlantis. Except that its last kinda season sucked, too, and did totally WTF things with McKay, so hmmm. Stargate SG-1 is good, too, except that half its team annoys the piss outta me...although this is largely made up for by the hotness that is Jack O'Neill so there's that. I like Firefly a lot but it was so short-lived that it's hard to really be a favorite because I can watch the whole thing, including the movie, in less than a day. (And believe me. I have.) I like the other Star Treks, too, especially if I'm in the mood for the "goofy soap opera in space" that is Voyager. TNG's shiny-happy Roddenberryness kinda bores the piss outta me, though it does have a few really good episodes, and the original show...Hmmm...Well, I both love and hate it. I love Spock, as I said, and I also love McCoy and all of its secondary characters. The problem is that I hate Kirk. Like, viscerally hate him. Like, I want to punch his face in every time it's on-screen. If he'd just, y'know, been eaten by a salt vampire and Spock and everyone else was OK and went off and had cool space adventures battling giant space-going amoebas and shit, I'd be totally happy and that's what fanfic's for *cough*, but since Kirk doesn't get eaten by a salt vampire...well...

Who’d You Most Like to Have Lunch With? @holleyberry :) Dude, we should totally hook up (No, not THAT way!) when I'm in SoCal next. Which won't be soon if I have my way, but when I am there....

[shih-coulda-had-it]

reverse the polarity

a reverse captains!au for Star Trek: Discovery, wherein Captain Gabriel Lorca is Michael’s first Starfleet Captain, and Captain Philippa Georgiou is her second

@senator-organa this took basically two rewrites, and I actually feel compelled to continue in a longer, more refined oneshot

-0-

(captain gabriel lorca)

“I know I asked you for recommendations, Sarek,” drawls the tall man, “but I didn’t expect you to escort one aboard my ship.” His arms are crossed, and he looks vaguely unimpressed. Fortunately, Michael Burnham has undergone a lifetime of being subjected to unimpressed looks.

She is unaffected by the cold glare of his eyes, mostly because she is pissed off. Denied by the Vulcan Expeditionary Forces only to be shuttled directly off to an old Starfleet science vessel? She could’ve reapplied, tried again—god knows she’s done that her entire childhood.

“Michael Burnham has an extensive résumé,” demurs Sarek. “Did you not tell me you were in need of a science officer knowledgeable in xenoanthropology?”

“I told you that months ago.” The scowl appears to be permanently etching itself into the man’s face. “You said there weren’t any Vulcans available with that ‘particular skillset.’”

“Yes. No Vulcans.” Sarek turns to Michael, and she detects the glimmer of amusement in his eyes. “Michael, this is Captain Gabriel Lorca of the U.S.S. Shenzhou.” He nods, like he thinks his job is done. Like he can simply drop Michael off in the company of Lorca and continue on with his life, assured that he is never confronted with his greatest failure.

Michael looks at Lorca and doesn’t quite narrow her eyes. She resolves to stay impassive.

“You don’t want to be here,” Lorca says.

In this instance, Michael thinks, even Sarek would let her get away with a bit of insolence. There is something of the wounded animal in her, still smarting from a wounded pride. Her resentment at the situation grows, and withers. Perhaps… perhaps she does deserve this.

“You would be right,” says Michael, noting the tightening muscle of Lorca’s jaw. He hides it well, but one doesn’t live with Vulcans, breathe in their culture and mannerisms, without picking up the ability to detect anger beneath a façade of civility. “But you are currently in the wrong. I make it a principle to observe and then conclude.”

“Michael,” Sarek interrupts, and she turns her eyes to him. They’ve been a family unit long enough that he should take notice of her desperation to join the Vulcan Expeditionary Forces. He knows she can do it—her scores had been perfect.

It would have been a life of cold shoulders, but Michael is familiar with that kind of atmosphere.

Lowly, Sarek tells her to behave. He gives a perfunctory nod to Lorca. And then he leaves.

Lorca watches him go too, something appropriately ticked off in his expression. No protocols cover events like this, this being: a highly-respected Vulcan escorts a Vulcanized Human trained extensively in the field of xenoanthropology (among other disciplines) to be integrated into a Starfleet crew.

He switches his glare back to her. “Are you even aware what kind of vessel this is?”

“An exploratory one,” says Michael. The U.S.S. Shenzhou (NCC-1227) is named in tradition for a long line of Shenzhous, except the majority of its predecessors are satellites and asteroids. However, the former were also considered the property of China—this ship is under a more… universal purview.

Shén for heaven, divinity; zhōu for vessel. To translate it fancily, the Vessel of Heaven. To translate it literally, space boat.

The utter insult of it is that Sarek had chosen to drop her off on a ship that parallels the Vulcan Expeditionary Forces. It is a pat on the head. A consolatory reward. You were good, but you weren’t good enough.

“How fortunate for you.”

“Indeed,” Michael says, “Captain.” Her eyebrow lifts, voluntarily. She thinks it will always be voluntary—a challenge of ‘Do you deserve my respect?’ to a man she could overpower or outsmart given enough time and luck. Also, this is the one action that can’t be ruled as misconduct or disrespect to a captain.

Lorca suddenly breaks into a grin. “Let me show you around.”

(captain philippa georgiou)

The room is brightly lit, warm yellows and zero fluorescents. It’s an odd characteristic for a new vessel to be in possession of. It reminds Michael of the Shenzhou and Lorca’s stubborn determination to keep it just as his predecessor had—

A woman studies a tactical map. Blue for Starfleet and its allies, red for the Klingon Empire. Michael is familiar enough with the color scheme of blue (good) and red (bad) that her mind registers it instantly and turns itself inside out when it identifies the captain of the ship.

The captain is standing for her.

The captain—

“Michael Burnham,” says Captain Philippa Georgiou, hands clasped behind her back and a considering look in her eyes, “welcome to the U.S.S. Discovery. I’m Captain Georgiou.”

She is so different from Lorca that Michael finds herself blinking hard. Where Lorca was tall and broad, Georgiou is short and lean. Lorca had loomed because before he was a complete softie for the underdogs of Starfleet, he knew the importance of being respected by a bunch of greenhorns. Georgiou… welcomes. She is kind and not imposing.

Not the reception she expects for a mutineer like herself.

“Captain Georgiou,” echoes Michael, struggling not to crumble. Of all the captains in the fleet, everyone—everyone—likes Georgiou, even when they haven’t been chosen to join under her command. She’s never heard a cadet go a year in space without muttering, ‘Damn, I should have applied for Georgiou, she’s the best.’

Lorca had taken the complaints as compliments.

Lorca had said to Michael, “They all want to serve under, good. Georgiou is one of the best—explorer, warrior, and commander all in one. But they have no idea that she’s like me.” He had cracked a grin at Michael. “Her fist is only covered in velvet. At least I’m open about it.”

Rather abruptly, Michael remembers why she’s onboard this ship. “I’ll take my leave as soon as possible,” she blurts. She doesn’t want to be the cause of another destroyed ship, let alone Philippa Georgiou’s sleek science vessel. “I’ll go voluntarily to the brig.”

“That’s unnecessary,” Georgiou shoots back. “You’re a science officer, no? As it currently stands, there is a vacancy in the science department.” There is a wry grin playing at her mouth, and Michael is fixated on the weirdly humanizing aspect this has on the woman all cadets put on a pedestal.

She glances away from Georgiou. Distance. She needs distance to wrap her mind around this illogical decision. “I’m a mutineer,” Michael says. The words taste worse on her tongue than when she’d confessed it to the empty air of her cell. “Starfleet’s first ever recorded. Is this wise?”

“Starfleet understands assets,” the captain dismisses. “There will be some backlash, but there is always backlash in making decisions in war.” She looks mildly guilty about admitting this, even though it is par for course for Michael’s shitty decision-making skills seven months back.

“Yes,” says Michael, “but surely I wouldn’t be good for morale.” Under Lorca, Michael had developed a finely-tuned sense of snark and sarcasm.

Nine years of mutual needling and brisk fondness had chipped away part of her Vulcan shell, but her emotions hadn’t made a surging comeback. If anything, it had strengthened her defensive measures of hiding sentimentality and nostalgia.

Captain Georgiou pulls a face and sits down. “Burnham,” she says, “this war isn’t your fault.”

That, Michael cannot bear to hear from a captain so beloved by the fleet that Starfleet Command wouldn’t promote her to admiralty and a desk on Earth. “With all due respect, captain, I don’t see how that’s so.” Before Georgiou can continue, Michael adds, a little desperately, “My arrival here cannot be due to coincidence.”

Like a masochistic idiot, Michael lays out the whole thing. The shuttle’s change of course. The lack of warning about being transferred to a different prison facility. Her arrival here has been engineered.

Georgiou blinks. “I did ask for your shuttle to change courses. First, because you are an officer of many talents. Second, because the Discovery does have a vacancy, though my science officer tells me that he is capable of handling it. But lastly…” She looks guilty again. “I think you did not deserve so harsh a sentencing that you were given.”

“I started the war,” says Michael blankly. She’s repeated this sentence many, many times.

“By your admissions in the court transcripts, you suggested a solution, and the captain agreed to its flagrant disrespect of Starfleet’s code.” Georgiou is standing again, and moving around to the front of her desk. She maintains a respectful distance around Michael, who is feeling distinctly dizzy. “This ship is outfitted to win a war, Burnham. It only needs the right people to help it to success.”

She needs—she needs to take this chance—fix mistakes—

“Probation. I—give me a probationary period. Any mistakes, I go back to prison.”

Georgiou frowns. “You ask this condition as though you were not going to be on probation.” The slight relief Burnham feels when she is reminded that Georgiou is a highly competent officer is actually immense. This is a net to prevent her from blowing up the galaxy again. This is good.

A hand extends, and Michael shakes it. The firm, warm grasp is a much-welcomed anchor.

“Let me show you around,” offers Georgiou with a smile.

[feeling-freckled]

Breathtaking in Black (Part 4)

A/N: IT’S FINALLY HERE PEOPLE.  I’m sorry I’ve been dead for over a month but here you go :)  This one is significantly longer than the third chapter I promise so enjoy! 

____________________________________________________

Part 3

Read it on Ao3

Adrien heard the faint sound of a bell as he pushed open the front door to the Dupain-Cheng bakery.  Thousands of wonderful smells mixed together in the air around him as he approached the couple working behind the counter.  

“Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Dupain Cheng,” he greated with a wide smile.  Sabine smiled back at him as Tom continued to stack loaves of bread on the shelf just behind her.  

“Good afternoon Adrien!  Are you by any chance here to see Marinette?” she asked with a subtle wink that he almost missed.  Tom stopped stacking suddenly and turned his attention toward their conversation.

“Well actually yes,” Adrien confessed as the couple exchanged a quick smile.  

“I missed school today for some activities that my dad had arranged for me this morning.” Lie.  “A friend of mine texted me and said that Marinette hadn’t shown up after lunch break, and that she was worried she might be sick.” Also a lie.  “So I figured I would stop by and see how she’s feeling if I had the time.” Less of a lie but still not fully true.  This was only his second time ever talking to Marinette’s parents, and here he was lying to their faces.  He hoped to never make a habit of doing such a thing, but what other option did he have?  He just wanted to see her and to know she was alright.  

“Well,” Tom spoke first.  “I believe she said she needed to lie down for a bit.  She seemed pretty exhausted so she may be sleeping.  If you’d like, you can go on up and wait for her in the living room.  I’m sure she won’t be long.”

Adrien’s expression lit up.  “Yes, I don’t mind waiting at all.  If she’s still asleep after a while I’ll head out, but I’d really like to see her if that’s alright.”

“Of course son, head on up,” Tom said.  Adrien nodded, quickly thanked the couple and headed up the stairs to their apartment.  He knocked gently before letting himself in.  Marinette’s main living space was just as he’d remembered it.  It was so cozy and comfortable in comparison to his large, cold mansion.  

On top of that, her house just looked a lot more lived in than his.  Pictures of her family covered the walls and shelves.  Drawings and school projects that Marinette must have done years ago covered the refrigerator.  This must be what having a real family is like Adrien thought to himself as he took a seat on her living room couch.

After a few minutes, Adrien heard movement coming from the door in the ceiling that he knew lead to her room.  He slowly made his way up her stairs and gently knocked on the door.  “One moment Papa!” he heard her call from the other side of the door.

“Actually, it’s Adrien,” he replied.  Marinette’s heart dropped.  Her hair brush fell to the floor as she froze in place.  “What was that?” Adrien called again from her steps.  These boys are trying to kill me she thought as she shook her head and tried to think of a reply.

“Oh, I um.. I brushed my drop.” smooth.  She cringed silently as she forced herself to continue speaking.  “I’ll be down in a minute,” she managed.  Her heart was beating at an incredible rate as she leaned down to pick her brush up off the floor.  

“Okay I’ll wait down here if that’s alright!” he called up before descending her stairs and sitting down on the couch once more.  Marinette turned to face her mirror.  How did he get in my house?  Why is he here?  Why do blonde haired, green eyed boys enjoy giving me heart attacks so often!? She thought as she ran her brush through her hair a couple of times.  She took a deep breath and began getting dressed.

“Wow marinette, you sure are popular recently?” Tikki teased as she hovered above her chosen’s head.  Marinette glared at her as she pulled her pink capri’s up over her hips and fastened the button.  Normally, she would swoon at the idea of Adrien popping over for a casual visit.  However, she was in no condition to even pretend she could be casual around him.  She had been up all night thinking about him and Chat Noir and trying to figure out her feelings.  Just when she gets a moment to rest and clear her head, he shows up unannounced.  

“Tikki this isn’t funny.  What am I going to do?  I can’t just go down there and casually have a conversation with him.  I suck at being casual,” she admitted with a huff.

“Just be yourself Marinette.  He skipped school to come see if you were alright.  Obviously he cares about you.”  Marinette closed her eyes and took a deep breath before putting on a brave smile.  She nodded at her kwami and headed for her door.  She was going to survive this.

Adrien’s ears perked up as he heard the sound of her door opening.  He quickly turned his head to see her smiling back at him as she walked down the steps.  “Well this sure is a surprise” Marinette remarked.  “I could have sworn you were supposed to be in school right about now.”  Adrien smirked and stood up from her couch.

“I could say the same to you,” he added playfully.  She smiled at him and walked past him to sit down on the couch.  Marinette looked up at him and hesitantly patted the seat next to her, inviting him to sit.  Adrien returned her warm smile and settled down beside her.  Marinette took in a deep breath and tried to figure out how much she could tell him without giving away too much.

“To tell you the truth I’m not sick.  I’ve kind of just been stressed out for a couple of days.” Marinette spoke slowly; thinking about each word before she stated it.  Adrien’s expression seemed very worried.  She didn’t want him to be concerned over her personal issues, but at the same time she found his interest to be heart warming.  “It’s not really something you need to worry about Adrien, but thanks for coming to check on me.”

She was wrong.  He had every right to be concerned.  He had made her uncomfortable and stressed to the point where she was skipping school to catch up on sleep.  She had bags under her eyes and was clearly shaking and it was all his fault.  All because he had a bad habit of getting carried away when the suit was on.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” he asked.  “You don’t have to tell me everything of course, but it might help to get some of it off of your chest.”  This statement only seemed to stress Marinette out more.  She broke eye contact with him and began tapping her fingers nervously as she tried to piece together sentences in her head.  Adrien waited patiently as she silently scripted everything out.

“Okay well there is this guy who I am really close friends with,” she began.  “He and I have been becoming pretty close recently, but now he wants to tell me this huge secret about himself and I’m worried about how that secret will affect our friendship.”  Adrien hung on every word as she spoke.  “He has been leaving me clues and my head is just a whirlwind of unanswered questions that I’m not even sure I have the right to ask.”

Marinette’s whole body was shaking.  Her fingers nervous tapped against her thigh.  He was so close to her, but now wasn’t the time to turn into a stuttering, blubbering mess.  She suddenly felt her hand stop moving as a warm pressure was gently applied to the back of it.  Adrien was holding her hand.  He took it gently in his in a way that was strangely familiar and began instinctively rubbing small circles against her palm.  Her heart skipped a beat at the gesture, but she allowed herself to calm down slightly as she wrapped her fingers around his palm in order to let him know the gesture was appreciated.

“Basically, I can’t tell why he suddenly feels the need to open up about something so personal to me.  I want to think it’s because he trusts me, but it honestly feels like he’s just toying with my brain.”  

That stung.  Adrien froze and almost dropped her hand completely.  She thought he was toying with her.  She thought he had purposely devised a plan just to stress her out and fill her head with questions.  This was the exact opposite of what he wanted.  He just wanted to be able to share his identity with someone he trusted.  Of course ladybug would have been his first choice, but she had made it very clear that she wanted no part of an identity reveal so he chose the other important girl in his life.  He never meant to hurt her.  Adrien took in a breath and prepared to justify his own actions.

“You said that you considered this guy to be a close friend of yours right?” he began.  Marinette nodded with a small smile that he almost missed.  “If he’s really your friend then I don’t think he would intentionally do anything to make you upset or stressed out.”  Marinette knew he was right, but hearing it out loud still felt better than thinking it.  She turned her eyes back to his and took a moment to absorb his kind expression.  She really did still love him.

“Yeah you’re right” she admitted as she allowed her shoulders to relax and her shaking to slow.  “It’s just, there’s some stuff that I haven’t been completely honest with him about either.”  Adrien’s eyes widened at this.  She had a secret?  He had never once considered the idea that he wasn’t the only one keeping secrets in their friendship.  

“If he’s really your friend, then he wouldn’t pressure you into sharing anything you weren’t prepared to,” Adrien added.  Marinette nodded as the same small smile from before found its way across her face.  She knew everything he was saying was true.  The Chat Noir she had fought beside for the past two years would never force her into revealing her identity and he would never intentionally cause her unnecessary stress.  She had been over thinking things as usual.  

“Thank you Adrien,” she whispered as she beamed back at him.  He felt his face get warm as he watched her smile grow.  She had clearly calmed down. The pink that he had come to adore spread across her cheeks as they continued to smile at each other.  No matter how wonderfully flattering that color was on her, he couldn’t get the picture of her in all black out of his head.  It truly was his new favorite color on her.

Adrien gently shook his head as he felt himself beginning to blush.  His heart was fluttering in his chest.  He really had become fond of Marinette in the few months they had spent getting to know one another.  He felt comfortable and safe around her.  This was a feeling he certainly never felt at his own home.  Maybe that was why he preferred her house so much.

“Well I’ll let you get back to resting.  Wouldn’t want you to miss another day of school just because I kept you up,” he said as he rose from the couch.  Marinette stood up after him and walked him over her to her door.

“Thank you so much for stopping by” she mumbled with a slight bow as she opened the door for him.  Adrien paused for a moment and then took a step toward her.  He wrapped his arms around her waist in a tight embrace and held her close against his chest.  Marinette froze in shock, but then slowly returned his hug.  They held each other in silence for only a few seconds before Adrien reluctantly released her.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he declared as he turned toward her door.

“Y-yeah.  See y-you tomorrow,” she stuttered out.  As she watched the door close behind him, she could still feel his arms around her waist.  She definitely still had strong feelings for him.  How could she not?  He was kind, polite, honest and an amazing friend.  Not to mention the fact that he was growing more and more attractive each day.

“That settles it!” Marinette proclaimed as she turned from the door.

“Settles what?” tikki asked as she flew out from her hiding spot in Marinette’s jacket.

“I’ll admit that you may have been right about me developing some feelings for Chat Noir.  Obviously, I have a thing for blondes.” Tikki snickered.  “But my feelings for Adrien are still very strong and I’m not ready to give up on that.  I’ve made up my mind,” Marinette declared.  

Tikki didn’t appear half as convinced as her chosen.  “So you’re just going to give up on your feelings for him because your feelings for Adrien haven’t gone away?” the tiny creature asked puzzled.  

“No of course not, but no matter who Chat ends up being behind that mask, he’s my friend first and that’s a relationship I can’t risk losing,”  Marinette clarified as she began walking back up the stairs to her room.  “Whatever happens after the dance happens, but right now I need to focus on doing what’s best for my mental sanity.  Right now, my mental sanity requires another nap.”

Tikki rolled her eyes but gave her chosen a soft smile.  “Your mental sanity just woke up from a nap,” she reminded Marinette.  

“It would appear that my sanity is easily overwhelmed by the presence of blonde boys with green eyes.” Marinette and Tikki exchanged laughter as Mari closed her trap door beneath her and lied back down on her bed. From now on, she wasn’t going to let herself spend all hours of the day worrying about future events that were out of her control. Adrien was right. Chat was her friend first and that was a bond that could never be broken.

Part 5