jswdmb1

[jswdmb1]

If I Had a Boat

“And if I had a boat

I'd go out on the ocean

And if I had a pony

I'd ride him on my boat

And we could all together

Go out on the ocean

Me upon my pony on my boat”

Lyle Lovett

I currently coach high-school boys in a park district basketball league.  One of the players is a friend’s son, and they needed to put an “adult” down as a coach.  She asked if I would be interested in helping as I had recently expressed a desire to coach again now that my kids no longer need my services. I asked her if they were up for me coming to practices and games to do what they needed, and they agreed.  During the first practice, I mostly watched, and then I asked them what kind of league this was.  They started naming teams of kids, which gave me some pause.  One is made up of varsity football players with a kid that is 6’ 5” in the middle.  Another team is last year’s JV basketball team, who just missed this year’s varsity team cut.  Most of the others are club teams that have been together for a while.  None sounded like a group of undersized friends of varying levels of experience looking to have a little fun on Sunday afternoons.  I didn’t say much as I like to keep things positive other than let’s see how things go, and we’ll take it from there.

They lost the first game we played last week by 52 points.  Remember that we are playing with a running clock, no press, and the other team had to drop behind the three-point line once they got up by fifteen, which was early in the first quarter. It is almost impossible to lose by that much in that amount of time under those conditions.  But these kids never gave up.  There are only eight on this team, so it is a short bench.  That means lots of minutes with little rest, and I never saw a decrease in energy.  Despite the long odds and disappointing results, I was pleased to see their effort never diminished.  The challenge was now on me to figure out how to accentuate the positives we could take from the defeat and build on it.  Our weekly practice was in a few days, so I had some time to think through it.

When Wednesday night came, I gathered them around before practice and gave a brief talk.  Remember that none of these kids belong to me, and I don’t even know most of them.  Still, I felt responsible for letting these young men know that days like last Sunday would happen.  It’s a reality you must accept in life; the sooner you hear it, the better.  Besides, who better to listen to it from than me?  I like to think I know a thing or two about bad days (who doesn’t – I don’t pretend I have the market covered on them).  The question was how to articulate it.  The best I could come up with was, “Boys, you are going to have days in life when you get your ass kicked, and Sunday was one of them.  The question is not why this happened, but what life is trying to tell me and how I can use that to improve.” That may be paraphrasing, and then I went on with some basketball stuff, but you get the gist of it.  Nothing particularly creative there, and possibly even cliche, but something that needed to be said, and I said it before moving on.

The problem with giving advice, even if it is decent, is that often you don’t take it yourself.  Or worse, no one is around to give it to you when you need it most.  I have had a decent share of my ass getting kicked in the past few months. A lot of those (most) were inventions of my own imagination.  Worse, I let them get to me and spent a lot of time asking why.  Little to no time was spent either figuring out what I could learn from these experiences or simply moving on because the event was so trivial.  It took a legitimate ass-kicking a few years ago really get the message home.  A few months after my dad died, I finally broke down.  I took a break and spent a few weeks in an outpatient program.  It was essentially spending time in the psych ward, but I got to go home at night.  Most of the people there were coming straight from the hospital.  Many had gone through a recent suicide attempt.  Others were suffering from addiction issues, bipolar disease, and one who heard voices (one of the nicest people I have ever met).  It was a profound experience that may have saved my life.

The biggest thing we learned was that you must find ways to express yourself.  A daily exercise in the program was journaling.  You would sometimes be asked to take what you wrote and read it to the group.  The point was that getting it out of you and onto paper was the first step, but saying it aloud made it real.  I wrote and said some things that were bottled up for years and finally gave some legitimacy to what I had kept inside for so long.  Finding this side of me was liberating and exciting.  I even thought I saw hints of creativity in my writing, which I never believed I had.  When my release came, I knew I wanted to keep doing it, but I wasn’t sure how.  That’s roughly when I started this blog, and rough is a good word to describe my work.  Not that it has smoothed out much in the last few years, but I feel it has come together with some practice and inspiration.  The source of that inspiration was my favorite DJ and best friend in the world, Lin Brehmer.  

If you are reading this, you know my love for music and that WXRT is my favorite radio station.  I discovered it around the same time Lin took over as the morning host in 1991.  Coming out of the 80s as a teenager had me awfully confused from a musical sense (among many other senses that were confused).  The music on XRT grounded me and, more importantly, expanded my horizons.  Remember, there was no internet or streaming music at this point, so self-discovery of new music, while possible, was difficult.  Especially if you didn’t get a hint about the latest hot new band, an upcoming show at the Vic, or where to get some of this fine music at the non-corporate neighborhood record stores.  DJs on the station, like Terri Hemmert, Marty Lennartz, and Frank E. Lee, were like professors guiding a young student along his way.  While I loved them all, there was a guy that stood out who seemed to really take me under his wing.  That, of course, was Lin.

I did not listen to Lin in the mornings so much at the time because I wasn’t usually up until well after he signed off at 10:00.  But I heard him often at night when they would play his latest Lin’s bin segment.  It was often on the way home after taking my first job in accounting.  His soothing voice and wise words (often funny) helped right the ship after a particularly bad day.  I would think, “I wish I had that job,” and dreamed of someday losing the shackles of my office work and spinning records while waxing poetically about whatever came to mind.  That, of course, never happened because I don’t have any talent for such a job, but isn’t that what dreams are for? 

Many years later, this blog is my realization of that dream in my own little way.  Everything about it is stolen from Lin.  This includes the connection to music in the title, the mix of topics that inspire me whenever they happen (which accounts for the haphazard timing of my posts), or the attempt to find a little more meaning out of this life than what appears on the surface.  I don’t even think to pretend that I come within the same universe as Lin, but he taught me that it doesn’t make any difference.  It’s about what is inside you and living your life true to that.  You don’t have to be somebody else.  Just be yourself.  

That is why yesterday was so tough.  My first instinct after hearing of Lin’s passing was to be pissed.  Another good guy in this world who was important to me was taken too soon.  Most influential men in my life are gone and left this world much earlier than I felt they should have. I just went through this less than six months ago with my father-in-law, Mike.  Now, I must deal with it again, and I really don’t think it’s fair.  Why can’t it be someone kind of rotten?  There are many great candidates to nominate, but I quickly stopped creating a list.  That is not what Lin was about.  I spent the rest of the day yesterday going about my day and thinking through what his life really meant to me.  Here was a man I had never met but who had so much influence on my life, and I found myself as profoundly sad as I ever had.  Instead of questioning things further, I went with the feeling.  I ended the night with a couple hours of listening to Terri Hemmert’s beautiful selection of songs honoring Lin.  I finally had to turn it off because it was getting too sad.  I knew there would be plenty of time for that today.

As I write this, I am listening to the tribute show on the air at XRT.  It started with me crying (took twelve minutes from the start of the tribute), but it quickly moved into writing as those emotions needed to flow somewhere.  I have not been able to write a thing of worth since Mike died, but today this essay poured out of me in about 45 minutes.  I have been able to do nothing else since I sat down at the typewriter.  There was no way I couldn’t.  If Lin taught me anything, it is to go with your heart and treat every day as the gift that it is.  It is simple advice but awfully hard to follow.  Kind of like what I told those boys at that practice recently.  

After my talk, they went out, practiced their asses off, and looked better than I ever saw them in my brief stint as their coach.  I said so afterward and encouraged them to take that with them into the next game, and we will see results.  That game just happened to be a few hours after Lin’s death, and just like in a fairy tale, they went out and lost by 42 points.  I don't say that as a joke.  I was truly heartened to see them work and improve over a very short time. In one week, they doubled their point total (from 15 to 31!) and cut their margin of the deficit by 20%.  I don’t care how you want to analyze things, but those are metrics that really show success regardless of the final outcome.  

That may not be true, but there is no denying that while I was standing on those sidelines, I could hear Lin’s voice telling me it was.  He had an optimism on life that was tinted with just the right touch of cynicism that really spoke to me.  It is summarized as enjoy the moment but recognize it for what it is worth and not what it could be or isn’t. So, despite everything else that was important to me that I learned from Lin to enjoy, like music, writing, fun, good food, and baseball (we differed on teams, but the passion is the same), nothing matters more than his signature catchphrase “It’s great to be alive.”  That could sound ironic on a day like today, but it doesn’t in any way whatsoever.  That’s because Lin was genuine when he said it, and I truly believed he lived his life exactly the way he preached.  As sad as I am, I feel pretty good about that, and I also think I made a pretty good choice for a role model.  What is even cooler is that thousands upon thousands of people feel the same way I do.  And isn’t that what life is really about?  Living it to the fullest and making a difference in the lives you touch. And Lin is an excellent choice if you are searching for a role model.  His death does not eliminate him from the job; it may even accentuate it.  It is a perfect tribute to him, and in return, I guarantee you will find out that you have a new best friend in the whole wide world.

[jswdmb1]

That's The Way Love Is

"Love is leaving without reason

Feelings change just like seasons

And no, nothing's the same

There's no use in pretending

I can hide the pain"

Poi Dog Pondering (Ten City cover)

Getting married brings with it a lot of logistical things that you don’t really think about before you do it.  Some are fun, like buying a house or planning a honeymoon, while others, like deciding how finances will work, may end things before it even gets started.  Then, there is the stuff that is mundane but sometimes perplexing.  For me, the most awkward of these tasks was figuring out what I would call my mother-in-law and father-in-law.  I didn’t know them very long before I proposed, so not much protocol had been established.  We were casual about things, so “Mr. & Mrs. Cecchini” didn’t work, and neither did “Mom & Dad” (I already had those).  I settled the matter by not referring to them as anything.  If I couldn’t speak to them directly, I would ask my wife to ask her mom or dad for whatever I needed.  It came up more rarely than you would think, so this was a good temporary solution.

Having children relatively shortly after the wedding gave me an out.  They were now “Meme and Grandpa,” which stuck for a while, especially when the kids were young.  Then, a few years ago, we got some bad news.  My mother-in-law was diagnosed with primary progressive aphasia, an uncommon form of dementia.  Its effects are quick and devastating, and she passed away just a few months later at the all too young age of 70.  It was especially tough to take because my dad had died just six months before she passed, so my family’s life was in quite a bit of disarray.  In addition to grieving, we needed to now support two widowed parents.  It certainly put the worry of how to address my father-in-law on the back burner.

This is where my wife, Sarah, comes in and shows the world what it means to love your parents unconditionally.  Through tireless efforts, she found him a wonderful home with an organization called Senior Home Sharing (https://www.seniorhomesharing.org).  You can check out their website to see what they do in more detail, but briefly, they are a home for independent seniors who need help adjusting to life on their own but don’t need assistance with day-to-day activities.  They provide room, board, and a sense of community that is hard to replicate.  We found that out when Sarah’s dad moved in with us for a few months during COVID.  We were happy to have him, but we have an old house with many stairs, which is not great for someone with mobility issues.  We were also busy most days with work, school, and life stuff that left him in his room a lot with the TV.  Senior Home Sharing allowed him to grow a bit beyond his normal zone, and it was then that the relationship between him and me changed.

Based on the timing of my dad’s death, it would have been easy to just say to Mike, “hey, you need someone, and I need a dad, so let’s make a deal,” but it doesn’t work that way.  Once a parent passes away, there is no replacement, regardless of how good or bad your relationship was with them. But, I did have a void in my life, and so did he, so it made sense that we could find a way to help each other.  We didn’t necessarily become best buds hanging out every night at the bar (neither of us drank, so that wouldn’t have made sense anyway).  Still, we connected more than before, especially when he lived with us.  

I’m a big fan of history and old tv shows, so I enjoyed flipping on a WWII documentary or an old episode of Hawaii 5-0 and hanging out with him.   I would pester him with questions along the way, as I do to everyone, and he humored me by listening to my schtick, which made me quite happy.  At this point, I thought we were less like father/son-in-law and more like a couple of roommates who were very different but could find some common ground to enjoy each other’s company.  It was during this time that I started calling him Mike (his given name is Joseph, but everyone called him by his middle name, Michael or “Mike”).  After all those years of avoiding the topic, we finally progressed to a real adult relationship where we called each other by first names and didn’t worry about the customs or logistics around it.   It created something unique that I began to appreciate as time passed, even when Mike occasionally frustrated me with this, that, or whatever (as most roommates do).  But ultimately, he was such a good guy that any issues were quickly resolved, and we moved forward.

This became more difficult a year ago when Mike's serious health issues became critical.  Mike lived a hard life, which took a toll on his body.  I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that doctors seeing him for the first time on one of his many trips to the hospital would go bug-eyed looking at his chart.  To his credit, Mike was one of the toughest SOBs I have ever met.  He was in on separate occasions for kidney failure, chest pains, a minor stroke, and a broken hip, among other ailments, and he bounced back each and every time.  On several occasions, I left the hospital sure I would never see him again.  Then two days later, I’d go back, and he would be sitting up eating lunch and asking about his truck.  It perplexed even the medical staff when they would go to release him.  They would recommend hospice one day, and the following have to figure out a rehab plan for him (which he would eventually complete successfully).  With my macabre sense of humor, I couldn’t help but start calling him “Lazarus.” Mike never took himself very seriously, so he got a good laugh at that one when I finally told him.  But it was a compliment as I have never seen such a resolve to persevere through pain and suffering. 

While we were pleased to see him return from these trips, we knew they were taking their toll.  He eventually had to move to a skilled nursing home as his care became more than even an assisted living arrangement could provide.  On the visits my wife and I made over the past few weeks, we could see that he was deteriorating, and the suffering was getting hard to watch.  He had constant nausea and couldn’t hold any food down, which was startling given his big appetite in his younger days (legend has it that he was once asked to leave an all-you-can-eat buffet because he had run them out of fried chicken).  A couple of days ago, I went on a solo visit to drop some things off and see how he was doing.  I could tell right away that he was in some real pain.  

My usual job on visits to Mike was always to be a bit of a court jester, and there was no way I was letting him down now.  On a visit a couple of weeks prior, I came in the room and saw he was watching Yo MTV Raps!  There are not many sure things in life, but I was absolutely certain that Mike was not a big fan of ’90s hip-hop videos.  I asked what was up with that, and he said it had been on for a few days, and he indeed was not a fan.  He was having some trouble cognitively, and the smart TV provided a challenge, which accounted for the issue.  After a good chuckle, I went through his TV, hid all but a few channels, and left with MeTV on.  I figured that would always have something okay on it.  When I came in on this last visit, I saw MeTV had on an A-Team episode.  It was one where the gang gets involved in solving some sort of art heist racket that I found far-fetched but still entertaining.  I asked him if this was better than Yo MTV Raps!  And got a smile out of him.  We also agreed there is zero point in disagreeing with B.A. Baracus, but it seems to keep happening anyway. That got another smile, and with that, my job was done.  

As I was leaving, an episode of MASH came on.  Mike always thought it was funny that I was obsessed with that show (I can’t explain it – but I have watched every episode at least 10 times).  I told him I felt okay leaving him because he was in the good hands of Hawkeye and Col. Potter.  It wasn’t my best material, but it got the point across.   When I got home, I filled Sarah in on the visit.  I suggested that his condition had progressed to a new level, and we needed to find ways to make him more comfortable.  We never got the chance.  The call came at 7;00 the following day that he was back in the hospital and that Sarah should come quickly.  She held his hand as he passed later that morning.  It was peaceful, and it mercifully put an end to his suffering.  Mike used every ounce of his strength to live and never gave up.  He deserved this dignified ending with the most important person in his life right at his side.  

When you think about death, it’s an awful and beautiful moment at precisely the same time.  It’s something bewildering yet offers proof that this life is more than the mundane things we worry about, like what we will call our in-laws.  My time with Mike also taught me never to assume anything about anyone until you really know them.  Otherwise, you could be missing out on some great stuff.  In my case, I never would have had the opportunity to get to know the purest human being I had ever met.  At fifty years old, I thought I was done learning, but Mike has given me a gift.  He has shown me that love is hiding everywhere.  It’s just not always obvious.  But when things line up right, and you keep your mind open, a beautiful relationship comes when you least expect it. I will be forever grateful to Joseph Michael Cecchini for teaching me that lesson. Rest peacefully, my friend.

[jswdmb1]

Unconditional I (Lookout Kid)

“Lookout kid, trust your soul

It ain't hard to rock n' roll”

- Arcade Fire

This probably says a lot about me, but I love a rainy day after a batch of great weather in the middle of the summer. The old adage of too much of a good thing is sometimes very true. While few love the warmth of the sun and a clear blue sky more than I do, such good fortune can bring a lot of pressure. I always feel guilty if I waste a minute of a lovely day inside, which is a precious commodity in Chicago. Those who know me know that I am the first to complain at the hint of winter, so it seems strange, or even ungrateful, to want a break from something so good. But, without a day like today, I might have missed something special while out on the water or walking around soaking up rays.

The day seemed tailor-made for the circumstances. I woke up at my usual hour of 5:00 (never by choice but due to an aging bladder) but quickly returned to bed when I realized the rain was already falling. My wife, the motivator in the family, is out of town, leaving me, two teenagers, and a couple of extremely lazy dogs to determine when this day would start. By 8:30, I knew it was up to me to get the ball rolling. Besides, this was an important day, and I needed to be ready. My favorite DJ on my favorite radio station was coming on at 10:00, and there was no way I was missing his show.

As anyone reading this knows, I am talking about Lin Brehmer and WXRT. Lin recently announced he needed to take a leave from his show to deal with prostate cancer that, as Lin said, "has spread to spaces you would rather it didn't." While I am confident this will not be his last time on the air, I knew today’s program would be special. Lin means a lot to many people, and many fans have rallied behind him over the last couple of days. Lin has supplied a multitude of good karma over the past decades, both on and off the air, and we are ready to give it back tenfold. Today was finally an opportunity for us to repay him for years of joy, happiness, comfort, and wisdom through his setlists and “Lin’s Bin” segments. But, a funny thing happened, and Lin sent all those good vibes right back at us.

The songs he played were varied, but all had one thing in common – they oozed the spirit of rock and roll. Music is a passion of mine, and I love it in many forms, but there is nothing more authentic than the grooves you hear on a station like XRT. Lin’s playlist today may have been the perfect embodiment of that sentiment (I posted a handwritten copy of it on Twitter @jswdmb1 if you want to see it). Each song told a story and inspired in me a deep sense of reflection. Maybe I was reading more into it, given my emotion, but I mostly stared out the window at the rain in deep thought for most of his four-plus-hour shift. It was like he ordered up the rain as a perfect backdrop for the event (he explicitly stated that was not true, but I’m not so sure). I cannot remember the last time I spent so much time so focused and present while ironically getting nothing done that I had planned for the day. But, truth be told, I pretty much knew that this was how it was going to go all along. Maybe I didn’t plan it this way, but I welcomed it as it developed.

It’s probably not in my best interest to publically disclose that I slept in, played hooky, and just sat around all day listening to the radio. Still, I’m not so sure about that. We let too much of our lives become defined by what we think others think we should be, which makes no sense. I think it is fair that most people on any given day are immersed in their own activities and not interested in the details of what I do. The fact that I even have a to-do list bugs the shit out of me. If I really want to do something, I just do it. A list of things not done means that clearly, they did not take enough priority and need to be shelved. Maybe they should never be done. It seems pretty pointless to even talk about it.

However, today, I found an excellent use for that to-do list. I turned it over and started writing out the songs that Lin was playing. The menial and tedious tasks on the other side meant less and less as the hours went on. At a certain point, I was tempted to knock something off the list, and I quickly scotched that when I realized it would completely spoil the day’s intent. It also led me to an important conclusion: why am I filling my day with things I don’t want to do anyway? It seems to be a ridiculous waste of our most precious commodity, which is our time here on this planet. This led to an even deeper reflection about what my path should be going forward.

I love what I now do from the sense of getting to work with great people and that I provide service to those that need it. But being an accountant is as drab and routine as you might imagine when you get down to the real business of the profession. I have been immersed in it for a long time and have recently been thinking about what else might be there for me. What can I do for a second act that follows my passions and dreams and doesn’t put being a provider as the number one attribute for how I spend my time. When I look at what moves me (outside of my family, of course), it is three things: music, writing, and helping others. I know I need to move most of my time into those areas soon. I still need to make some sort of living, so finding a way to monetize these passions is a challenge. But I know for sure that whatever that is, it needs to move toward spending my time fulfilling my dreams.

Please note that I am not announcing my retirement from my firm or leaving that business abruptly. I am way too practical for that, and I would never leave my employees or clients in a lurch like that. But, I have unequivocally concluded that a transition has to begin, no matter how slowly. It starts with a resurgence of my posting on this blog. I know these personal essays are not likely to be the ultimate answer, but they are the spark that lit the fire in the first place and will lead me in the right direction. My lack of recent writing production has proven it to me, and my conclusion from today’s activities solidified that. Again, I have no idea how this will develop at this moment, but I guarantee it will. And not in five or ten years, but now. At this point, I begin the transition, no matter how slowly it develops.

So, a day that started out sleepy and then lazy turned out to be much more, and I have Lin Brehmer to thank for it. I feel a bit guilty for that, given this was supposed to be his day to shine. My guess is that he wasn’t too affected by it. Besides, he was very explicit at the top of the show that anyone who came there to feel anything less than great should leave. Because, as Lin says, it is fucking great to be alive. And, it is even greater to be alive when you know you will start living it the way you want to. The best part of the whole thing is that I know Lin will pummel this cancer and be back soon. That is why I don’t feel a tinge of sadness about his “last” show today. He knew that all along, and I am guessing he knew many people would be doing the same thing I did today. Lin has one more catchphrase: that he is our “best friend in the whole world.” Seems a bit corny but never insincere. I, for one, feel like I got a real boost from a good friend today, just like he always does on his show every other day I have listened to him. I hope someday I can repay the favor in whatever I do in this second act. Until then, good friend, keep rocking and rolling, and we’ll be here waiting for you when you get back.

Note: you can find Lin’s entire playlist here on my Apple Music page: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/thank-you-friend/pl.u-BmZRc1qeMoq

[jswdmb1]

Dumb

"Lesson learned,

wish me luck

Soothe the burn,

wake me up

- Nirvana from their album "in Utero" (1993)

I’ve made it known that this blog is a direct ripoff of “Lin’s Bin” on WXRT. Someone asked him the other day what he learned the past year and he eloquently summed up the frustrations a lot of us are feeling. It got me thinking about what wisdom I have personally gained during that time. At first, I thought not much, but as I dug deeper, I found a few. With apologies to Lin, here is my list:

I learned that knowledge has no value if it is summarily rejected by those who need it most

I learned that overlaying a pandemic on top of a broken health care system is a recipe for disaster

I learned there is no good way to end a war other than not starting it in the first place

I learned that big picture issues that I worry about, like global warming, won’t be solved in my lifetime

I learned that my belief that most people are good and will do the right thing was a myth

I learned that most people define working together as do it my way or else

I learned our disinvestment in education has produced large swathes of the population who are unable to make good decisions that we need for society to function properly

I learned that I was wasting a lot of my emotional energy on empathy for people who will never accept it

I learned that callous rejection of all that empathy quickly hardens the heart

I learned that social media isn’t evil; it simply is now the preferred vehicle for evil people to conduct their business

I learned that I can live with far less than I used to think I need and look forward to paring that list down further

I learned that in order to be happy where you are, you first have to like the place you are in

I learned that I grow older, and ostensibly more wiser, that it is clear the Stones, and not The Beatles, are the greatest band ever

I learned that I really hate turkey in all forms and would love it if it never touched my plate again

I learned that for me manic behavior happens when my anxiety and depression are in perfect balance

I learned that you have to release the safety valve every once in a while and for me that involves writing

I learned that these words are reaching some people that I never would have guessed and I hope they make up for the fact that I don’t always share well with the ones I love

That last one is why I wrote this post. I’m not going to go any further about it, but I have realized that there are some better reasons for my writing than just to waste everyone’s time. That doesn’t mean a prolific set of posts are coming anytime soon, but I will be back at some point. It also doesn’t mean that I’ll necessarily change the tone of this blog. I’ll write what I feel, and it may not be good, but it will always be honest. And hopefully, it helps in some way because we can’t afford to be wasting any time any more.

By the way, I know that son-of-a-bitch dog of mine is posting on my FaceBook page. I'll settle his hash later. For now, enjoy the wit and wisdom of Mr. Jones, but remember, he is just a dog. Besides, just who did you think taught him to write?

- Jim

[jswdmb1]

Goodbye

“I vow that it's goodbye to the old ways

Those stories were a good read

They were dumb as well”

- The Sundays from their album “Blind” (1992)

When I was younger, I had a bit of a trick that I would often do at parties or at a bar.  Not being terribly outgoing as a sober person, I would drink heavily beforehand (and/or take something) to be able to handle the crowd.  Sometimes this would be with a small group, but often it would be by myself.  It would ensure that whatever social ability I had would have enough lubricant to find its way out.  Occasionally, I would go too far in this phase of the evening’s festivities and never leave my apartment for the night. But, it mostly worked and I would manage to have a pretty good time out and about for a couple of hours. Problem with the plan was that I couldn’t keep up the pace and as the night wore on I would become physically and mentally tired. Plus, the depressive effects of the alcohol would really take a toll on my mood. This is where the trick would come into play. 

Actually, it wasn’t much of a trick. I would simply slip out the door as quietly as possible.  Sometimes deception was involved (“I have to go to the bathroom” or the ever popular “I’ll be right back”).  Before anyone even knew I was gone, I’d be home smoking a joint, eating frozen pizza, and watching Caddyshack for the 421st time.  Remember, that this was in the blissful days before cell phones (never mind smart phones), so anyone sober enough to want to track me down would have little at their disposal for a search.  It rarely happened that someone would notice anyway and it would usually be days before they’d ask (if at all).  It was the perfect way for me to still make it out to the party (and back) under my own terms. 

Why am I telling you all of this?  Well, a couple of months ago I left the social media party in almost mid sentence and headed out the technological back door. There was no specific reason for this. I was just done and decided it was time to go.  I didn’t feel like writing anymore, or sharing anything else about me, and I frankly lost interest in much of anything outside of my day-to-day life. Again, absolutely nothing happened to trigger this. Just like one of those parties I was at, I just looked up and decided my night was over and didn’t feeling like explaining to anyone why it was. I just needed to get out of there and that’s what I did. 

Truth is, I am having some trouble readjusting to “normal” life, whatever the hell that is supposed to be.  For some of us, the forced isolation of the pandemic wasn’t so much a burden as it provided legitimacy to our introverted ways.  For quite a while, I actually felt somewhat relieved that I didn’t have to deal with as many people, places or things as I did before.  Life slowed down to check on me as I walked on the side of the road and it felt good to have some company.  But the car has sped up and everyone is back out and about and the last year-and-a-half seem to be a distant memory for many.  I had this weird notion that lessons would be learned during the pandemic that would make people more thoughtful and considerate, but it turns out that just the opposite happened.  Seems the world has a lot of pent up energy, both negative and positive, and everyone is ready to unleash it on the the next person who hesitates for a fraction of a second at a green light.  Granted, I’m not out that much to for sure know all of this, but the limited taste that I have had has not been my cup of tea.

So what has changed to make me write and post this?  Nothing really as this is not an announcement of my grand return, and I don’t pretend that anyone cares either way. I just thought that unlike in my younger days, a quick explanation would be the mature thing to do before heading for the hills.  And remember that there is a big difference between goodbye and farewell. Despite my antics the week before, I always made it out the next time because deep down I really don’t want to be this way. I do enjoy seeing other people I know well and I have learned how to enjoy that while staying sober. I’m looking forward to the day when this can be done freely in person, but I personally think it’s going to take a few more months before that is going to happen (at least for me). Until that time, I really don’t want to try and replicate it in an electronic format. I would rather use the time to get myself acclimated to life with people again and I also just want to break free of the world for a while. 

So again, this is goodbye and not farewell.  When and how I see you again I do not know.  I owe you the other 340 or so songs from my 50th year playlist, and I’ll release that at some point before the end of the year. I may occasionally release some other playlists here and there as I really enjoy putting those together and sharing them with you. But as far as any writing goes, this is it for a while. It just seems like the timing is right to move on to a new chapter of life, whatever that may turn out to be. I won’t completely close the door on this blog, and I may bring it back at some point down the road, but for now it’s goodbye, good luck, and go get your shots so we can all get together real soon and all ditch the electronic social life for a while. 

Take care,

Jim

[jswdmb1]

Porcelain

“In my dreams 

I'm dying all the time

 Then I wake it's

 kaleidoscopic mind”

- Moby from the album “Play” (1999)

Certain songs just click at a certain moment in your life and become a theme for that particular time. Moby’s album “Play” had several songs like this and the whole record could serve as a soundtrack of my life in the late nineties.  I was 27 at the time, and like most that age I was quite confused. The few relationships I had up to that point were quite unsuccessful and my career was stuck in neutral.  It was during this time that I really leaned on alcohol and drugs to cope with my seemingly uncertain future. Often a song from Moby was playing in the background while I was indulging.

While I do admit I had an awful lot of fun during this time, there were some pretty dark moments. Many nights after everyone else would be done with the party, I would head to my room and smoke some dope out of my secret stash. I’d turn on some music like this song and lay in bed until the drugs took effect and I would drift off into unconsciousness and some altered dreams. It was all to numb the nerves knowing that I would be up again the next morning facing all the same demons. But for that moment, I could escape.   Nothing about this behavior is sustainable, and as much as I was enjoying my indulgence, I knew deep down that I was sowing some bad seeds deep in the ground that would eventually come back to haunt me. It took a long time (almost 20 years) but I eventually came to terms with my relationship with drugs and alcohol and finally put an end to it.

Moby has said this song is about the same type of relationship he had but with a woman. As much as he wanted to stay he knew it couldn’t last and would have to end. Hence the title “Porcelain” which to refers to something beautiful but breakable. For him it was love. For me, it was life itself and I wasn’t cherishing it enough. I won’t go as far to say I was throwing it away, but I was definitely not handling it with the care it needed.   Listening to this song reminds me of this and makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I somewhat have figured it out but sad that maybe I didn’t make the most of my younger years.

It’s funny because some of these songs were initially on the list just because I liked the tune, but further reflection revealed much deeper feelings. This song is definitely one of those and I think I’ll always look at it just a bit differently after writing this. I’ll now not just think of those days back when, but now of the days ahead and the promise they bring.

We are almost to our tenth song and the debut of the live playlist that will accompany these posts. I’ll pick something good for that occasion. I promise it will be perfect for the break of dawn.

[jswdmb1]

A Little Bit Of Everything

“Have you figured out yet, what it is you want...?”

“...I want a little bit of everything,

The biscuits and the beans, 

Whatever helps me to forget about 

The things that brought me to my knees”

- Dawes

I promised at the end of last year that I would share three things from 2020 that positively affected me. I am tardy with this post not because I couldn’t think of three things, but because I could not decide for which I was most grateful. It then occurred to me that picking a list of three was arbitrary and that this was really meant as an exercise to challenge us all to not so quickly dismiss the value of any time we have in this life. And, as I thought about the various things that happened in 2020, I realized that all had an impact so profound that I will be forever changed. The surprising part is that I’m okay with it. So rather than give you a list, let me use this space to explain exactly what I mean by all of this.

You see, the impulse for us all is a return to normal, but how exactly is that defined?  Normal for one person may be night after night out on the town while others prefer to stay at home.  Some may enjoy the hectic pace of a busy calendar packed with events, while the rest get quickly overwhelmed by such a frantic pace. Certain people crave social interaction in big groups while others prefer quieter settings with just a friend or two.  My point is that normal is in the eye of the beholder and going back to exactly how things were before all of this isn’t necessarily for everyone. I found out that none of the things that changed me for the better in 2020 would have ever made it through all of that noise in a normal year. Just for once we were able to stop the constant turning of the wheels to really look inside and see how things really worked.

I realize this is not for everyone. A lot of folks are not that interested in looking at this life too deeply, and I’m not knocking those folks. If anything, I am sometimes jealous of their ability to float from day to day with boundless energy and little time for anything else. That seems almost freeing to me, but that is just not who I am. And I think that is the theme that tied the whole year together for me which is be who you are and let the rest of the world do what it wants because you are not going to change them anyway. So as things open up and people get back to “normal”, that doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. I will move at my own pace and decide for myself what is right. This can be applied to any aspect of my life going forward - how I work, where I live, and who I see.   Whatever it is, I have to stay true to myself no matter what everyone else thinks is right. In 2020, I finally learned that there is no normal other than what you are feeling in that moment.

One of my common themes early on when I began psychotherapy was finding a cure to my illness.  I craved a normal life like everyone else. It took a while, but my real break through came when I finally discovered I was asking a question that had no answer because life itself can never be defined as normal. You have to accept who you are above all else and then set that as the baseline for your mental health. It took longer for me to put that knowledge into practice, and 2020 finally gave me the opportunity to see how it really works. I was finally able let go of any notion I had that this life was about anything more than being grateful for this moment right now and comparisons to any other are fruitless. I know this is something that I have discussed before, but it is now firmly entrenched in my mind that this is how I need to live the rest of my life and it will guide every decision I make from here on out.

How does this help you?  I honestly have no idea and I am not sure that is such a bad thing. I know it sounds selfish, but that is something you are going to have to do on your own and it may take a while. Maybe this discussion will be the catalyst for that process, and maybe you are good with leaving it be. There is no judgment on this end, but if you are unsure take a chance and explore inwardly even as the outward world slowly becomes available again. Don’t get too far sucked into the hustle and bustle of the rat race without at least considering the alternatives.  But no matter what you choose, make sure you stay true to who you are. It may not look normal to anyone else, but the only opinion here that matter in this case is your own.

That’s what I learned in 2020. Is it three things?  No, but it seems more than one. Maybe it’s just a little of it all. But for sure I know I got something out of last year that I never would have expected if I didn’t take that pause. I hope you are able to find a similar level of satisfaction as I did.

Good luck,

Jim

[jswdmb1]

Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong

“It's been a whole lot easier 

since the bitch left town.

It's been a whole lot happier 

without her face around.”

- Spin Doctors

I know that I said I would keep quiet, but this post really isn’t political, and besides I want the last word.  Plus, I wasn’t the one who made this personal.  I wasn’t the one who insisted on being in my face every day for four years whether I wanted him there or not.  I’m not the one who went around picking fights and inflaming tensions just for the hell of it or whatever reason he had for such antics.  I’m not the one who had the power to maybe not stop all of the sickness and dying, but to certainly do more that was done to ease this country’s pain rather than pour salt in the wound.  I wasn’t the one who got a mob whipped up and told them to storm the castle while I watched from the comfort and security of my fortified home.  I never asked for any of that, but I had it shoved down my throat, and yeah I took it personally.

Maybe you are thinking that all of that stuff is politics, but how can we separate the two anymore?  How can I not take it personally when basic health precautions are considered political statements even when I know better.  How can I not take a threat to the our freedom and right to democracy personally?  How can I not take the intrusive behavior of a disgusting person personally when it is thrust at me incessantly.  He’s not going away you say?  That’s fine, but now he’s just another cranky old man who has retired to Florida and his actions no longer directly affect my day-to-day life.  In just one day, I feel liberated from that awful hold he had on this country, and I cannot help but say something about it.

I know it’s petty to continue a debate and we should be looking ahead, but we cannot do that if we don’t pause and figure out what got us here.  We cannot unite if we don’t understand what divided us.  There will not be hope unless we understand the suffering and desperation of so many in this country and learn how to be empathetic towards others even when we don’t agree with them.  We must all learn from the mistakes we made that got us to this point.  Joe Biden is far from a perfect man.  He is going to make mistakes too, but I have faith he will be big enough to admit when they happen and do his best to make sure we are always moving forward from any bumps in the road.  For me, it’s the opening chapter in a hopeful journey to normalcy.  It’s also a time for us all to get back to work to achieving that goal.

So, no matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, I hope that you can agree that today can be a new start on this journey.  Because like it or not, we are on this together.  And if anyone tries to bog us down, even if they are President of the United States, you can be sure that they will get called out in this forum.

Peace, love, happiness, and may I say, joy,

Jim

[jswdmb1]

Twist

And when you heard the end result,

I told it was not my fault.

If you were here more of the day,

It wouldn't twist around that way.

- Phish

I remember the last inauguration pretty well.  I was visiting with my dad and we watched it together.  Back in the day, my dad and I enjoyed discussing politics together.  He was pretty solidly Democratic, but had an independent streak and would listen to multiple views on any given topic.  I think it was fair to say that he was guided more by logic and common sense than dogma or talking points.  That being said, at times I found some of his positions too pragmatic as he would occasionally (ok often) dismiss my overexcited pleas for change to being too impractical.  My dad was all about the end result, and he didn’t have patience for ideas that reached too far into the theoretical.  Still, we were able to find quite a bit of political common ground like the election of President Obama who we both admired.  I think he felt a real sense of pride when he was elected because his hometown, with so much in its past, was still able to offer a candidate that made history.  We also found common ground on the election of Donald Trump, but unfortunately it was mostly that we were equally confused that someone like that could get elected to any office, never mind President of the United States.  It was particularly jarring to have him taking over after eight years of the polar opposite in every way possible with President Obama.  And this was the center of the last political discussion we had.

My January of 2017, my dad was pretty sick.  He had an inoperable form of brain cancer and he had just been told that all treatment options had been exhausted.  He would get tired pretty easy and developed some memory issues particularly with short-term events.  Many of our visits together would have a Groundhog Day feel to them as we would talk about things as if they were new even though we had discussed them many, many times.  Watching the ceremony of inauguration that day, I could tell he was getting a bit confused seeing Obama and Trump on the screen at the same time.  To be fair, the juxtaposition of these two men, who couldn’t have been any more different, was hard to comprehend for anyone.  As we watched the scene of Obama and Trump walking together to the swearing in ceremony I noticed him shaking his head in a sad way.  Not wanting to miss a moment to spark a conversation about a hot button topic for me (the election of 2016 enraged me), I said something to him like “can you believe that guy is going to be our president?”.  I remember him looking at me after I said that and I could tell he was grasping at what that actually meant.  Was I really suggesting that Donald Trump had been elected President?  How could our country do something so impractical and against our own best interests?  Plus, men like Donald Trump had always disgusted him.  My Dad was far from perfect, but one thing that he wasn’t was disrespectful.  Now, here he was trying to reconcile that one of the most vulgar, indecent, and disrespectful men around was going to run our country.

As he struggled, I explained some of what was going on, but without trying to be condescending about it.  Just because his memory was faltering didn’t mean he had lost any intelligence.  Once I caught him up to speed, I explained why I was so dismayed about our future and how upset that I was that our country could be so full of people that thought a man like this was actually representative of our people.  Normally, when I was done with one of these stump speeches, he would give me a bit of grief about being too idealistic, and he would give me some words of comfort that we’ll figure it out so calm down son.  This time was notable to me because he didn’t say anything.  He just looked at me a bit puzzled when I was done, then looked back at the TV, and just shook his head again.  I don’t think the fact that he had cancer had anything to do with his lack of response.  I’m certain even if he were 100% healthy, this would be a moment of rare silence between us when discussing the current events of the world.

After that day, we didn’t discuss Trump or any other politics again.  Frankly, we had bigger fish to fry at that point.  He would be going into hospice in a couple of weeks and conversations were centered around his more basic needs and making sure he was comfortable.  Still, even after he was gone, I would think back to that last discussion we had when I was encountered with the latest of Trump’s wild and offensive misdeeds. There have been times that I missed having him here to talk about all of this, but I mostly found myself glad that he didn’t have to see just how bad it got.  A side-effect of his absence was that I had to find other outlets for the discussions we used to have, which is why this blog has occasionally turned political.  That included a post from last week after the attack on the U.S. Capitol, which has since been revealed to have been even more brutal and sinister than at first glance, and that first view was horrifying enough.  

Of course, we find ourselves at another inauguration and like most my emotions are pretty jumbled.  I want to be hopeful for the future, but the attack on our Capitol and a raging pandemic make that difficult. Mostly, I want to just have some normalcy in our government that allows it to provide basic services to its citizens and security for all who wish to live peacefully. I’m not sure I ever thought those things would be so difficult to achieve, but here we are. I know from the look in my Dad’s eye during the last inauguration that he sensed we were in real trouble. And for all of my bluster about change and rejecting status quo, I now get my Dad’s practical ways. I crave stability and normal day-to-day life no matter how imperfect it is. I just want some peace and quiet.

So with that, my use of this blog to write about politics is over for a while and maybe for good.  Same goes with following news and politics on the rest of social media and any other media that is still relevant. I’m not giving up politics completely, just the steady and relenting consumption of the endless content that is out there.  I did my job during the election and trust the team I voted in to put their heads down and get to work. I’ll check in on them once in a while, but they don’t need my micromanaging and I don’t need the stress of worrying about the basic competency of my government. I think it is a fair trade and allows us both to concentrate on some very important tasks at hand in 2021 and beyond.

I wish I could say that it’s all going to be alright, but that’s probably not true. I feel much like I did a couple of weeks after September 11th and while it took a while, with many bumps along the journey, we forged ahead with our lives and hopefully learned what we could from a horrible tragedy. As terrible and difficult as that was, this time feels worse, but I do maintain faith. I believe in the many people who have risen to the occasion to protect our country. I believe there are more good politicians than bad on both sides of the aisle who will do the right thing. I believe there are enough fellow Americans like my Dad who stood for what is right, but did it with respect and dignity. I believe in the power of a new day each and every day that gives us an opportunity to do the right thing even when we tripped the day before. I believe in myself and my ability to make a difference in this world no matter how small the contribution is. I’m just going to do it a little differently and a little more quietly to do my part to give us all a little peace.

Until next time,

Jim

[jswdmb1]

Karma Police

“Arrest this man

He talks in maths

He buzzes like a fridge

He's like a detuned radio”

- Radiohead

Here are the facts around this week’s terrorist attack on the Capitol:

This was an unmistakably clear attempt by armed conspirators to occupy the seat of government and seize power from those freely and fairly elected by the people of this country. 

The leader of this group, by his own admission is Donald Trump, and he, along with his family and others, are the documented planners of this attempted coup. 

If this had been undertaken by anyone but a predominantly white and male group, the first two facts would not have been so conveniently ignored and the coup would have been brutally quashed before it ever began. 

While serious crimes were committed during the attack, including the murder of a police officer, and those who committed those crimes will pay dearly for their actions, there should be no ambiguity about the crimes committed by the leader of this coup attempt, which by all definition of the word was treason. 

Our country has never backed down from attacks on our democracy, and while past attacks have largely been external in recent times, the nature of this instance being internal should not change our policy of seeking to punish anyone that threatens us. 

These are facts. There is nothing left to debate. The path our country needs to take is clear and backing off in the name of “unity” or “reconciliation” is not an option. The fact is that this country has always been divided by racism and we should remain divided as long as there are those that believe those of a different race, creed, gender, or sexual orientation should be given unequal rights and disenfranchised. Those willing to unite to ensure each and every person in this country is treated equally and fairly can move forward, but there should be no pause to reconcile with a group of terrorists. And we certainly cannot under any circumstances overlook the acts of this week or worse appease them. 

This leaves us with only one option as it is clear the president will not resign nor will his cabinet invoke the 25th amendment.  Fortunately, our constitution gives us peaceful mechanisms that allow for a situation such this to be rectified. The House must bring articles of impeachment immediately and work them through the legislative process for an ultimate trial in the Senate. It makes no difference how little time is left in his term. We need an up and down vote on the events of this week so it is clear where each and every elected member stands on what happened on Wednesday. It makes this choice clear - you can side with democracy or you can side with the terrorists. And those choices will be etched in history. 

As for the leader of this group, whether he is impeached or not, his day of reckoning will come. Unlike the rest of his presidency, this reprehensible act will not go away with the next 24-hour news cycle.  There will prosecutions of those who illegally stormed the Capitol, and Trump has blood directly on his hands from this tragic day.  I cannot say whether those with the power will eventually find him criminally liable too, but a review of history tells us that despots like Trump are tried and prosecuted over and over long after they are gone as no spin can be given on history. Because do not be mistaken, January 6, 2021, will sit along side other infamous dates like September 11, 2001, and December 7, 1941 as the darkest days in American history. And this most recent date will stand out because it will be the one day of terror that came from within and was orchestrated by a tyrant clinging desperately to power. And who was responsible for this will never be forgotten nor will he be forgiven. 

And that is truth. It’s ugly and it’s painful, but there is no moving forward until the truth is finally recognized. I hope with all my heart that happens in the next 12 days. 

[jswdmb1]

How Lucky

“Today I walked down

the street I use to wander

Yeah, shook my head

and made myself a bet

There was all these things

that I don't think I remember

Hey, how lucky can one man get”

- Kurt Vile with John Prine (originally written and recorded by Prine)

New Year’s resolutions are stupid. The changing of a year is completely arbitrary and is just one day of 365. There is always this notion that we can wipe the slate clean and start anew on the first of January each year but that is a bunch of trash. Nothing changes at midnight on New Year’s Eve and when we wake up the next morning every problem we had the night before is still with us. This year, that includes a pandemic that is raging out of control and growing in strength by the day. Because of this, I find it not only pointless to pretend that we can start fresh in 2021 but quite irresponsible. It suggests that a snap of the fingers or a turn of the page gets us out of this mess and no one should be under such an illusion at this stage of the game.

What I do not find foolish is using the end of a year to mark a point in time for reflection. Rather than wipe out the memories of a year so we can start over like a patient waking up from a coma, I would rather revisit them to see what can be learned from both the good and bad the happened the last twelve months or so. And don’t give me this nonsense that 2020 should be buried and forgotten because it was so awful. For starters, no terrible period is the fault of anything but circumstances. Shitty stuff happens to good people all of the time in every year of history. There are years that may have been great for you that were hell for me (take 2017, please). Sure, this one had some widespread effects on a lot of people, but the shittiness of 2020 is not unprecedented. As a matter of fact, I would argue that in the time humans have been on earth, this year doesn’t even crack the top 1000 of bad years. So let’s move on from this 2020 is the worst year ever nonsense and be more constructive with our conversation.

My challenge to you is this. Sit down and write three things you learned about your life in the last year that you had no idea about at the end of 2019. It can be big stuff or small. Just come up with three meaningful lessons you discovered in 2020 that you will take into the coming year and beyond. No excuses either like I don’t have three things because that is impossible if you really look at this hard. I am almost certain that if you do this, you are going to find out that this year was far more important to your life than you ever realized. I know for me the things I wrote surprised me but in a good way. They for sure let me know that 2020 was far from a terrible year that was just killing time waiting for a vaccine. No, it was actually a transformative year that came at a pivotal point in my life that will shape my remaining years here. Will your three be that profound? I can’t say, but neither can you if you don’t try.

What are my three things? I’ll share but not quite yet. I want to give you a chance to go through the exercise with an objective perspective. I’ll reveal my three in posts down the road in 2021 after I have a chance myself for them to soak in. In the meantime, don’t refrain from celebrating a year just because everyone tells you it was awful. Only you really know that answer but it is going to take some time, effort, and real honesty to find it.

Good luck on your homework and Happy New Year.

- Jim

[jswdmb1]

Life In A Northern Town

“Make it easy on yourself”

- The Dream Academy

Something to keep in mind this year as you likely celebrate the holidays in a much smaller group is that this is normal for many people this time of year. Lots of folks (more than you think) spend Christmas in isolation every year. Some have no family or friends. Some have been shunned and others close out those around them to avoid whatever painful truths exist in those relationships. Some people just don’t enjoy the holidays or are too depressed to be able to feel the same joy others do when celebrating the holiday season. For these people, the holidays have always been a downer. Many of us will go back to “normal” in 2021, but a good chunk of us will be left behind as we were when this all started.

I don’t say this to lecture you or bring you down but rather to try and lift you up. I have been working this year to remind myself that happiness is a state of mind no matter what the external circumstances are and that life is full of give and take. I may not have what I did at this time last year, but that doesn’t mean I have nothing. It’s just a different set of circumstances and my happiness is dependent on my ability to recognize that and adapt accordingly. I have tried to do that throughout this week I am spending up north and will continue that through the rest of the year no matter where I am.

I hope you are able to do the same and if possible carry along as many people as you can with your good vibes as we get into 2021 to make sure as few as possible don’t come out of this whole mess. Let’s focus on what is good in front of us and lead the bad behind. It may be less than ideal, but in many ways isn’t it what the holidays are all about anyway? This year we actually get a chance to prove it.

So keep your chin up and celebrate this holiday season that will certainly be memorable if not anything else. And to help you along, my gift to you is my special hand selected holiday playlist for 2020. A lot of the sounds are bittersweet, but I think fit the mood of this particular season perfectly. There are plenty of songs of joy as well to lift up your spirits.

Merry Christmas everyone,

Jim

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/christmas-up-north/pl.u-LYjgtxq2lAq

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4BD8RNtADmBCf5QJ1kQAG9?si=Nis_wZKXS0C61OjrNo9Pbw

[jswdmb1]

Light Of Love

“And now we are awake,

and it seems too much to take

I want to close my eyes

because I fear my heart will break

I want to look away,

I must not look away”

- Florence + The Machine

There has been a lot of lip service given to the deteriorating condition of our coolective mental health since the pandemic began. I have heard specifically that this is a problem with our kids - especially teens.

Suicide is never ok to just accept, but the reasons someone resorts to that option are very often complex and rarely more than just one. The actual attempt (or attempts) come after years of suffering and something that appears on the surface to trigger the action is actually more like a final straw. Certainly, the pandemic is going to tip some over the breaking point, but this has been a growing issue for a long time. Teen suicide rates grew over 50% last decade and became the 2nd leading cause of death among 15-19 year olds during the same period. These rates will surely rise in 2020 but it is a mistake to blame this epidemic solely on COVID-19 lockdowns and closures.

Obviously the schools being fully or partially remote are exacerbating the situation and getting them reopened safely and responsibly should be a priority. Unfortunately, that has not made it up in the pecking order as there has been more concern with keeping the economy going and letting individual districts fend for themselves with little help and a confusing set of rules to follow. I have felt from the beginning that after we went on lockdown in March that our priorities should have been in order:

1) take care of our health care workers and marshal all resources necessary to help them do their jobs,

2) protect our citizens most vulnerable to the virus to prevent its spread and get them the care they need to avoid or treat the illness, and

3) we should have been working to opening schools as fully as possible when the terms began in August starting with special needs and primary grades (who developmentally are suffering most profoundly) and then working our way up the grade later.

After all of that, the economy could then be a focus with some of the trillions of federal aid appropriated in a fair and equitable way to pay businesses that increase the spread of the virus such as restaurants to stay closed as long as needed to allow the situation to be controlled. Obviously, no one seemed to think this should be the case, and we sit here nine months later almost at square one.

Yes, I know a vaccine is here, but that will take time to take full effect, which sadly gives us another opportunity to get this right (along with people doing the common sense stuff like masks, etc.). If we had any sense (or leadership) we would put things on pause everywhere for a few weeks during a time when things are slow anyway. Get things at the hospitals stabilized and then look at what we can do about the schools. Maybe delay starting the second half of the academic year a few weeks with a goal of full in-person learning by the end of March. Allow those who want to opt out to do so and also offer a full in-person summer semester for anyone who wants to catch up.

I would also suggest that all sports seasons missed could be made up in condensed seasons that individually start when it is safest. I would suggest a “fall” season in February, March, and April that brings back outdoor sports like football and soccer. From May to July play the spring sports like baseball and softball and bring back some of the winter sports like basketball and volleyball if it is safe for indoor activities (or play them outside). It’s not perfect, but it would give kids hope and a tangible piece of evidence that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Once we get through all of this, the temptation will be to say things are “normal” again and the suicide rate will decline. It probably will but going back to pre-pandemic levels isn’t good enough and doesn’t address the real issue that depression in teens goes largely untreated (often well into adulthood where it gets even worse). There is a lot to tackle right now, but there is no doubt teen suicide has to move up on our radar as soon as we can prioritize it. Until then, as corny as it sounds, it comes down to each of us caring for those around us and especially in our own houses to keep this at bay. The truth is that no doctor or school will have a greater impact than a parent connecting with a teen who is depressed. Trust me, as the parent of two teenagers, I know how hard this can be, but you just have to keep working at it day-by-day and for some it won’t end after their teen years. For those with true clinical depression it will be a lifelong battle that is always going to require support.

As always, If you or someone you love is thinking at all about self-harm immediately call the suicide prevention lifeline at 800-273-8255 or visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ for further resources. 911 works too but they will likely take you to the hospital which may not be the best place to be right now. No matter what though please hang in there. These are pretty dark days, but I do get a sense that we can make it with continued perseverance and a collective will to do what it takes to get this nation healthy again. Until then, do everything you can to support those closest to you, especially those in your house. We are all going to need it if we are going to do this.

Peace,

Jim

[jswdmb1]

Lost?

“Just because I'm hurting

Doesn't mean I'm hurt

Doesn't mean I don't get what I deserved

No better and no worse”

 - Coldplay

I have spent a fair amount of time coaching both my son and daughter on their various basketball and baseball teams.  Every time that I have coached, I did it for one simple reason, which was that I absolutely love being involved with the sports being played.  For me, the number one objective I had for myself was the same I had for the kids I was coaching – to have fun.   I always would say to them that if it isn’t fun, then there is no real point in being here, and I really meant that.  Of course, there are other goals we were trying to achieve.  I always wanted to be a teacher first that would make sure I was a good custodian of the sport being played and that the kids learned the proper way to play the games.  I also insisted that we all (coaches and players) exhibit the truest sense of sportsmanship (or sportswomanship) as possible and we respect the other team, the officials, and our own teammates no matter what the situation was on the court or the field.  Finally, I always wanted to make sure that the kids learned the value of teamwork and always giving their best effort knowing they did all they could regardless of the results.

 One goal we never discussed was the amount of wins we would have that season.  There were a couple of reasons that I never brought it up. For starters, if the team did the things that I mentioned in the first paragraph, then talking about the number of wins we were going to have would be redundant.  That metric would be determined by the pure talent level of the players, which is not something I or they could control.  My only concern was that we gave our best effort, and if that happened the wins that we were going to achieve were already pre-determined.  The second reason, which may be the most important, was that in the grand scheme of things the final record we would have that year would be pretty irrelevant.  Often during the season, I would have no idea what our record was never mind remember it years later.  I can tell you that the only thing the kids remembered was the friends they made on the team.  If you polled any of them about a particular season, none of them would be able to tell you what the team’s final record was but I guarantee that they remembered a friend or two that they probably still had.  

 Now some of you reading this probably think that I am one of those participation trophy coaches who thinks everyone should be in first place at the end of the year.  Well, guess again because I am just as competitive as anyone and I cannot stand the mindset that starts early in youth sports that everyone is a winner all the time.  The reason why I hate it so much is not because I want to win all of the time, but instead because it avoids teaching kids the painful truth that losing is part of life.  If we all get rewarded at the end of the season regardless of effort or results, what does that teach anyone?  On top of that, it really doesn’t fool the kids one bit.  They figure out very early on what the score is even if you are not keeping it.  They understand when they have lost regardless of what kind of medal is handed to them when the game is over.  For some kids, it is a tough reality to suffer a painful defeat, but every single one of them is better for it as there is no other way to learn how to win than to take some losses along the way and experience defeat firsthand.

 So, what is the point in mentioning any of this?   Well, there obviously is a very public case right now of someone losing a match-up fair-and-square and not handling it very well.  If he were nine and on one of my teams, I might take him and the rest of the team out for an ice cream after the game to lick their wounds and bolster their morale for the next game.  I would do this not out of sympathy but as an opportunity to let the loss sink in for the value it has as a lesson, but to then quickly shake it off and get up and ready for the next day.  This is an important thing for kids to learn as 99.99% percent of us experience losses at many levels in life and we need to know how to properly react and move ahead for our own good and those of our teammates.  As adults, it may not be teammates in the literal sense, but our teammates in life including our family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and everyone else we share this planet with.  Because accepting a loss and learning what we can from it means that we don’t dwell on that loss which allows the wound to fester and become infected. And when that happens, everyone around us can suffer and the act of not letting go becomes one of petty selfishness that none of us have time for.

 In this particular case (and if you don’t know who I am talking about, welcome back from your trip to Jupiter), it means more than just making people around you miserable while you sit and sulk.  It means all of the work we have done over the past 230 years to build a system of democracy that allows free and fair elections to go on even during a pandemic can be ruined by one spoiled brat (and millions of idiots that believe his lies) who is taking his ball home and not letting anyone play with it.  It means that people are going to die unnecessarily while COVID-19 spreads like wildfire as this same man continues to deny its existence (and unbelievably so do those same idiots that follow him even though many are dying themselves).  It means that we all are subjected to continued pain and anguish just because one man never developed past the age of nine (in any sense of the word).  If just once someone had taught this person how to lose before he entered the highest stakes game any of us have played our entire lives, just maybe we would be staring at a winter of hope instead of one of doom.

 Unfortunately for the rest of us, we know losing all to well and none of it has been a game.  We have lost jobs.  We have lost our mental health.  We have lost people we love.  There are no more lessons for us to learn and we need some wins.  We finally got one a couple of weeks ago and even that is proving to be a source of stress and anxiety that no one needs because of one big sore loser and a bunch of his petty followers.  Whether you like his politics or not, it is hard to deny that Joe Biden is a man who knows how to come back from some very painful losses and win a few games.  I used to tell people when I coached that the best experience their kids could get out of any sport season is to go .500.  Win a few to gain confidence, lose a few to learn humility, and finish strong to put the lessons you learned from both together.  If our lives right now are a sports season, we still need a few wins to get back up to .500.  Let us have someone come in and coach us who will give it to us straight and teach us how to be resilient and get back on our feet.  Fortunately, we get that wish in 65 days whether the other guy is done holding his breath or not.  Unfortunately, many people don’t have that kind of time to wait.  Here’s hoping that we can get him out of the way sooner than later so the healing of this country can begin both literally and figuratively. As soon as that happens, the ice cream is on me.

 Peace,

Jim

[jswdmb1]

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

“I look at the world, and I notice it's turning

While my guitar gently weeps

With every mistake, we must surely be learning

Still my guitar gently weeps”

- Beatles

It has been a bad couple of days in the middle of a tough week that follows a string of difficult months. But something changed for me recently. Where as I felt I could hold back the tide and keep hope alive, I watch the world around me and I am despondent.  I cannot understand why so much death and suffering can occur among such a large percentage of people in this country with so much shocking indifference. I do get that life must go on despite tragedy, but to simply give up and say we collectively as a society are not willing to sacrifice enough to stop it has broken my heart.  I have been holed up in my house for almost a week (except for a few necessary errands) pondering not just my fate but of us as a people. Can we really move forward?  Do we have what it takes to endure?  I have spent sleepless nights and anxious days searching for answers to these questions and keep coming up short every time.

When I get depressed like this, I begin seeking out memories and stories that can help remind me that the human spirt can overcome even the most desperate situations. Because of the extremely odd way my mind works and stores information, I am able to sometimes access arcane things that I have studied in the past.  I will unknowingly gravitate towards a seemingly esoteric topic that suddenly exposes some clarity on my current situation.  I will start researching things that are completely random for reasons I can’t explain. I will then go down the rabbit hole we call the internet until I finally end up somewhere that sometimes adds clarity and other times makes me more confused. I am the first to admit that it is a bizarre process, but eventually it seems to work for me.

As I have long been fascinated with history, these tangential dives often come back to something I have read in countless books or seen within one of hundreds of documentaries I have watched.  I have studied many of America’s wars and I often go back to these as they are rich with tales of redemption and perseverance. Of course, to get there requires a lot of heartbreak and suffering, but the human spirit always triumphs.  The tragedy of war also provides a blueprint for disaster that we are doomed to repeat if we don’t carefully review the details within. All of these things give my mind a great deal to digest, which is something I need when my mind is troubled with concerns of the present.  I agree that it is odd to find hope among so much despair, but I find no point in resisting these impulses when they come. At a minimum, these forays back in time provide a welcome respite from the unrest in my mind.

My most recent journey took me to a place in a far corner of the earth and a story that many ignored at the time and most have forgotten since.  It involves an offshoot of the Vietnam war into the country of Cambodia and the horror that country was plunged into after the war ended in 1975. For those who don’t know the story, when a ruthless group known as the Khmer Rouge took over, they drove the population into the countryside into a life of hard labor and starvation. Those who didn’t comply were tortured and killed. Even those not guilty met the same fate. Before the regime was overthrown in 1979, an estimated 2 million people were killed (which was 25% of the population at the time). Outside of the Holocaust during World War 2, it is considered the worst genocide known to modern man.

That is an extremely abridged version of the story, but it doesn’t take much more description to give you a vivid picture of the intense pain and suffering that occurred in Cambodia during this time.   That being said, I do think it is worth your time to learn a bit more about this piece of history but not through my words. Please take a minute to click on this link and read this well-written account of the life of Dr. Haing S Ngor who survived the Cambodian genocide and incredibly went on to win an Oscar as an amateur actor for his role in the film “The Killing Fields” that told this story to many for the first time:

https://www.moviereviews.us/2020/07/17/the-incredible-story-of-haing-s-ngor/

Now that you know this story better through Dr. Ngor’s personal tale, perhaps I can connect the dots to today. I think it is fair to say that his ability to survive and perseverance were extraordinary. It seems unlikely that any of us would be able to summon the strength and courage that he did after so much unimaginable pain. But do we really know that?  It hopefully unlikely that we will be put to such a severe test as the Cambodians were, but it does show that as humans we can overcome long odds to achieve great things when the will is there. It seems to me that our current situation in this country surely is far less dire as what Dr. Ngor faced as he was being marched out of Phnom Penh and had his life shattered overnight. There must be a way for us to learn from stories like this to overcome our current troubles before we get to the point of desperation, isn’t there?

But I haven’t seen it yet and I guess that is what disappoints me so much. Maybe I have the bar set too high but it just doesn’t seem like too much to have to clear. There just is not enough will to collectively change our behaviors to control this pandemic and I suppose it is from a lack of motivation. Maybe 200,000+ deaths isn’t enough to move the emotional needle for most people. Maybe the feeling of empathy for our health care workers going through absolute hell doesn’t register in a tangible way with a populous that has been spoiled and self-centered for too long to feel such things outside the orbit of their own world. Maybe the disease has to strike directly at people and sicken them or the ones they love for true belief that it is real. It doesn’t feel like we should have to have any of those things happen to rally the survival instincts of people to act in their best interest, but it looks like that is going to be the way it has to be.

And that is what has led me to the spot I am in now.  Even though I know we as humans have the ability to overcome and persevere like Haing Ngor and his fellow countrymen, I guess we just aren’t there at this point. Unfortunately, I sense we will have no choice soon as cases and deaths multiply exponentially by the day. It’s just going to be a matter of time until the dark winter the doctors have been predicting arrives. I hope at that point we can finally summon up the strength to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to finally end the suffering because no matter what anyone tells you, that is our only way out of this predicament. It’s not going to be a new president or a vaccine that ends this nightmare, it’s only going to be each and every one of us ready to literally fight for our lives.

While I have my doubts, I’ll keeping coming back to my faith in what I have learned from history which is that the good in man can always overcome the bad if the will is strong enough. In the meantime, I recognize that my feelings about how things are going are not necessarily the most popular to express. I respect that others may feel differently, but in turn you have to understand that the pain and fear that I feel is just as valid. To me, the only option for now is to keep doing what I am doing to keep me and my family safe until we get things under control. As such, you may not see me much in the next few months and that includes my presence virtually. It is simply too painful for me to see the willful ignorance by so many of our current plight and I have no choice but to opt out of things like social media and the like for the foreseeable future. This includes sitting out the holidays and missing out on a lot of what I love about life, which tears me apart more than I show, but I feel as if I have been left no choice. I hope to be back sooner than later but only when I think it is safe.  In the meantime, do not worry about me as I’ll be fine and I will do everything I can for those close to me to keep them well too. I will keep you all in mind during this time of seclusion and I hope that you can make it through with sound mind and body. Until then, I will say this one last time:

Stay safe and healthy

Peace,

Jim

[jswdmb1]

24 Frames

“You thought God was an architect, now you know

He's something like a pipe bomb ready to blow

And everything you built that's all for show 

goes up in flames - in twenty- four frames”

- Jason Isbell

This may come as a shock, especially to those who know me well, but I can be very stubborn. Sometimes this can work into my favor as it helps bolster confidence when I take a difficult position that I know is right, or it can help me persist when odds are long such as starting a new business.  But this often is a character trait that I know can hold me back.  In particular, I bristle at things I am told that I “should” do even when it clearly would be in my best interest to do whatever is being suggested.  It usually takes someone equally stubborn to get me to move off of my position, but this did happen recently.

My wife is always on me to watch various different television programs, but I always balk.  I watch some TV but is it well documented (on this blog) that it is pretty much limited to PBS and reruns of old game shows and sitcoms.  I don’t like to leave that comfort zone, and it takes a lot for me to try out a new show – especially one that is episodic that expects you to come back week-after-week. I know that means I miss out on a lot of good stuff, but I’m okay with that as it allows me to keep my time on the tube under control and I don’t get more involved with something than I really want to be.  But on this one particular show, she was quite persistent, and I was challenged to at least give it a try.

The show is Schitt’s Creek, and I am sure you have heard of it if you do not already know it well. If you haven’t seen it, do not worry, as I will not be disclosing too much about the program.  Even if you have heard a lot about it and feel you know the story, part of the charm of the show is watching the characters develop throughout the series, so plot turns and the such are not as important as in some other episodic series.  The basic plot is that an extremely wealthy family of four, including two adult children, are forced to move to a small town when they lose everything overnight due to a business manager not paying taxes.  The series starts with the scene of revenue agents raiding their mansion as the family frantically collects a few belongings, so no time is spent on their past life.  Every moment from the first scene is spent on their life afterwards which involves living somewhere in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of regular folks.  It sounds like a typical fish-out-of-water setting (think the second Bob Newhart show for the closest example), and that is certainly mined for plenty of laughs, but it quickly becomes clear that the show is about much more than this.

That is all you are going to get from me about the actual show, because no more details are relevant to the rest of this post.  Except that the acting in this show is brilliant and worth watching for that alone.  The father and mother are played by Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara, both of whom I have been watching for decades in their various film roles and on the hilarious SCTV program.  The chemistry between the two is so natural and genuine that you quickly adopt them as Johnny and Moira Rose and forget their 40+ years in show business as other characters.  The children played by Levy’s son Dan and Annie Murphy are equally good and get a lot of the laughs as their clear lack of reality in their past lives plays to insane results when applied to the real world of the town of Schitt’s Creek.  The supporting cast is not just a bunch of wacky neighbors but add much depth to the show and develop themselves over the course of the series, especially the character of Stevie played by Emily Hampshire. The character of Roland Schitt, played by Chris Elliot, may be the best second banana on television since Cosmo Kramer. Again, none of this gives away much if anything about the show or the various plot arcs, but it should give you extra motivation to watch as talent like this collecting in one place is rare indeed.

And why exactly am I so intent on you watching this show?  While the quality of the program and the enjoyment it will provide you is enough reason to dive in, I have discovered a much greater purpose to following the evolving journey of the Roses.  Even though the show was created over five years ago, and largely wrapped production on its sixth season before 2020, it has become for me the perfect allegory for the United States right now.  Our country is going through the same experience that the Roses went through much of the first two seasons.  After the sudden event of COVID-19, we found ourselves much in a place like Schitt’s Creek. Over seven months into this pandemic, we are still stuck in what life was like before and when will it ever return. I do not think this is much of a spoiler alert for anyone who is rational, but how the way things were is never coming back.  COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on our society, and we like to blame it for all of our current problems, but it simply laid bare all of our faults and weaknesses almost overnight.  We are now no longer able to push those existential problems aside and have to face them head on. Many of us are not up for the challenge and would like something to change things back overnight, but that is not happening.  It doesn’t matter if there is a vaccine, or a new president, we have to face that we collectively lived lives that were not grounded in reality and our fates hung delicately in the balance just waiting for something like COVID-19 to come and bring it crashing down.  Just like the Roses lost everything in one quick raid, we now find ourselves building our lives all over again in a strange place where we are very uncomfortable.

Now I know that is difficult to hear and very depressing, but here comes the good part.  Just because things have changed does not necessarily mean that we can’t grow and develop into something even better than we had before. Obviously, a deadly disease like COVID-19 is not something we ever wanted, and it has brought countless suffering and death to too many people, but it does provide for a starting point to helping us grow beyond some of the shallower lives we lead previously.  It may take a lot of tough love, but we will eventually get the virus under control and the big question will be what is next.  For me, there needs to be an evolution past wherever we were before this all went down. I think our guide can be the Rose family in Schitt’s Creek.  The a-ha moment for me came at the end of season two titled “Happy Anniversary”.  I will disclose nothing more about it other than to say it was a transformative episode not only for the Roses, but for my own outlook on things as we move into what will be a very dark winter.  

If you are a watcher of the series, some of this may make more sense to you, but I think even you could benefit from another viewing to see if you can apply some of this to your own life as well.  I am actually only through Season 3 so far (I know enough about what lies ahead to be able to write this post, but it hasn’t ruined a thing for me), but I am already making plans for starting over to pick up things I missed the first time around. And it is important that you start in the beginning and move through the episodes sequentially.  Not so much because you will lose the story, as many of the stories are self-contained within an episode, but because you will miss out on the character development along the way (again, kudos to the actors and actresses in this show who so brilliantly developed these characters). I know this is playing it up quite a bit but trust this one-time reluctant viewer to be assured that your time is going to be well spent.

This many come off as a review, but it really is not.  I mean, if I were a reviewer, I would include some of the above in my story (and end with four stars or whatever the highest rating is), but this has become so much more for me.  It has served as a life-saving antidote to the poison spewed in traditional media and social media that makes me nauseous on a daily basis.  I find myself occasionally daydreaming about a funny scene I saw, or a subtle profound moment in the show, which has replaced some of the constant worry about the pandemic, or economy, or the election, all of which have a life-or-death feeling to them.  It has proven to be a rare new tool in my arsenal against anxiety and it will end up being one of my lasting memories of 2020.  That is a lot to say for one show about a year as particularly disastrous as this one, but I sincerely believe that.  

So, don’t be like me and be stubborn if you haven’t seen this show.  As soon as you read my last sentence, get yourself on Netflix and start watching with Season 1, Episode 1.  And make sure you don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow because the one negative is that it will be hard to stop once you get started.  But I think it is okay right now to binge on something that is finally showing us that there is a way to succeed in life without putting others down or placing selfish pursuits over relationships.  So, dig in and enjoy and I promise that I have learned one other thing throughout this experience – keep an open mind.  Because when you keep your mind closed, you shut out a world of possibilities, even when that world seems to have none.  

Enjoy,

Jim

[jswdmb1]

Identical

I don't just know you, I've grown like that too...

If I don't dislike you, I'm withdrawn, unrighteous too...

I’m no prophet, I'm your friend

Take my advice, make your mistakes”

- Phoenix

Every four years, the PBS series “Frontline” presents an episode called “The Choice”.  It presents the two candidates running in that particular presidential election.  But, it is not a show about the current campaign, policy issues or even the politics behind the particular candidates.  It is instead a personal biography of each candidate up to the point of the current election told chronologically.  The show portrays each individual’s story back and forth as the years go on that allow the viewer to both understand the people behind the front their campaigns present, but also provides a unique opportunity to compare and contrast the two candidates.  I have watched this particular episode of Frontline in every presidential election dating back to 2000, and I find it to consistently be the single best source of information for me to decide (or confirm) which candidate I am to support in that year’s election.

I was going to pass on this year’s version as I didn’t think there was anything I could learn about either man, and my choice is already made, but I watched anyway.  I have to admit that I was surprised to pick up nuggets of information that were new to me such as that Joe Biden’s first wife and daughter were killed six weeks after his election to the Senate for the first time, or that Donald Trump’s mother fell ill when he was very small and was effectively absent for his nurturing years.  Those are facts that seemingly are unimportant when weighing which man to support in a presidential election, but I think we have all found out in the last four years that an individual’s personality, temperament, and morality are just as important as their stance on any issue or their knowledge of the inner workings of government.  In the example of this year’s election, it finally crystallized the stark difference between Joe Biden and Donald Trump that has made my decision for whom to vote so easy.

Let’s start with the challenger Biden.  If there are two things that are clear about Joe, it is 1) he makes a lot of mistakes, and 2) he has overcome quite a bit of adversity of the years whether they are of his own doing or not.  You can watch the show to see the examples of both, but Biden’s approach to problems in his life has been remarkably consistent.  First, he acknowledges the problem exists and that he has responsibility to address it.  Next, if it was a problem of his own doing, he owns up to it.  Often times, he does this quite clumsily and occasionally makes things worse, but he does, at a minimum, take responsibility.  Finally, once it is out there, he puts his head down and gets to work with an amazing ability to ignore the long odds that he may face or the chirping he hears in the background about how badly he messed up and/or how he will never make it right.  He simply has a fundamental belief that humans make mistakes and he is no exception to that rule.  At times, it would be refreshing if he demonstrated better that he learns from some of these mistakes so as not to repeat them, but there is at least a good faith effort even if the execution at times is mediocre.

There is no need to go into detail how Trump behaves whenever he is faced with a problem and it is well documented that he never admits to making a mistake (and likely doesn’t even believe he has ever made one).  There are daily examples of this behavior and running through the list at this point is massively unappealing.  What I do find interesting is why he is this way.  The show goes into great detail about the influence three men have had on his life. The first is his father Fred.  We all know his background and his ruthlessness in business and within his personal relationships and this was applied to each of his sons.  The first, Fred Jr., bristled at the notion of going into the family business, and became an airline pilot instead (a decision for which both father and brother Donald would mock him mercilessly and drove him to alcoholism and an early death).  Fred Sr. then set his sights on son #2 who was more than willing to take up the cause.  After a stint in military school that hardened his outlook on life and reduced what little emotional capacity he had, he moved into his father’s footsteps and practiced the approach that personal gain is everything and little else matters.

The second man was a lawyer named Roy Cohn.  Cohn rose to fame in the 1950s as Joseph McCarthy’s hatchet man in the blacklisting of innocent American citizens for unfounded (and mostly false) accusations of communism.  Despite the shame eventually brought upon him for that role, he rose to become one of the most powerful attorneys in New York.  A client of his was a young Donald Trump and Cohn taught him three things that helped him rise from the ashes: 1) deny anything that makes you look bad as even having happened 2) attack those that bring these things up and deflect the blame elsewhere, and 3) never take responsibility for your actions unless there is a transactional gain that serves you.  This has been Donald Trump’s blueprint his entire life and it can be found in his business, his marriages, and certainly his presidency.  He literally has never operated in a manner that is different in any aspect of his life, so the fact that this has come through during his time in the White House should be surprising to no one who witnessed him before his election.

The final man was the Rev. Norman Vincent Peale who was the pastor at the church Donald Trump attended for over 50 years.  Peale’s claim-to-fame was the publishing of a book The Power of Positive Thinking and the Trumps followed it like their bible.  Boiled down, the main tenant of the book was that one must think positively at all costs and negative thoughts must be barred from the mind or success cannot be achieved.  That seems okay on the surface, but it becomes a problem when situations require more effort than simply a good thought and a wish that it goes away.  This clearly explains Trump’s complete inability to handle the COVID-19 pandemic.  Even though he obviously intellectually understood the severity and danger of the virus from his recordings on the Woodward tapes, this brainwashing of Peale on the Trump family made it impossible for Donald to acknowledge that the problem existing in any way.  When combined with Cohn’s teachings on taking no responsibility and Fred Sr.’s example of bulldozing past anyone who disagrees with you (like a scientist or doctor), the end result of his response makes a lot of sense.  It’s why even when catching the disease himself, he views it as a positive event that only he could dream up.

I do find it curious that I spent three long paragraphs on Trump with only one brief paragraph on Biden, but that meshes with each approach they have on the basic issues of life as a human being which is confronting adversity and accepting that we do make mistakes.  Biden’s approach is simple and to the point, sometimes to a fault.  Trump has this complicated troika of mad men’s teachings running through his head when problems come up and it is no wonder he is paralyzed with inaction when it comes time to do something about it.  For me, this is the defining trait between the two men that seems to tower over everything else about them personally or this election in general.  The question then is what do we do with this information.

I’m certain it is obvious which way I am going to go, but it may surprise you why.  You see, I have struggled myself with some of these same issues that each man has faced.  Up until a few years ago, I actually would describe myself as really being more Trump-like in my approach to life than I really care to admit.  I rarely acknowledged I was wrong and often blamed others for problems that were within and could only be solved by the guy responsible for them in the first place – me.  This attitude prevented me from seeing what was the real root of my unhappiness and depression and did not allow for me to acknowledge that my drinking and moderate drug use had become a problem.  It wasn’t until everything broke down and I ended up in an intense six-week program of therapy and deep soul searching that I discovered that mistakes we make are what builds us up and not what tears us down.  Granted, we need to learn from those mistakes to become better people and achieve great things, but admitting responsibility is the only path to doing either of those things.  I know now after a few years that I will never get things totally right, but I can get up each day and at least try to improve on the one before.  At a minimum, I strive to not make things worse, and it all gives me strength to fight whatever demons I have head on.  It’s a trial-and-error approach for sure, but I don’t see how it can be done any other way.

And given where things are at now, I don’t see how any other approach can help us overcome the enormous problems we face at this time whether it be COVID-19, or the economy, or global warming, or any other massive threat we face right now.  There is no amount of positive thinking that will help us overcome any one of these things and clearly wishing the problems away (or denying they even exist) is not going to work.  We need someone who understands this and there is no doubt the current president has no ability to do so.  Joe Biden may not be perfect, and he is not going to get us all of the way there on likely any one thing, but we have to start somewhere.  And, if there is one thing that he is good at, it is looking at a big hill, putting his head down, and climbing up.  It’s not pretty, and it isn’t the easy thing to do, but it is what we need right now more than anything.  

That is a tough pill to swallow for many Americans who think their freedom is a birthright that requires no effort, but that fantasy has been squashed.  In three weeks, the choice is clear about what needs to be done and the decision is up to you: are you going to acknowledge fault and accept responsibility for our collective actions that have led us to this point and vote for Joe, or are you going to give Trump another four years by simply wishing that all our problems away (spoiler alert – they don’t)?  The politically correct thing to say at this point is that either way you decide please make sure you vote, but I cannot apply that here.  The stakes are too high and the path is too obvious – either vote for Joe or don’t vote at all.  That second option may be tough for some people to take, but consider it your first step on a long road to recovery and redemption not just for yourself but our nation.

Good luck, everyone, we are going to need it.

-        Jim