#its not just the depression- i actually dont think i can put into words the amount of desperation i feel from my anxiety

[gjsxj0]

mindless rambling in tags don't mind me

[caffeinatedopossum]

I hate that people don't know that by the time I'm talking about it, it's already gotten really bad. Like I'm not just telling you "Hey I'm depressed" to keep you notified or to be relatable, that means I actually want to end it /nbh

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

[huellitaa]

𓏲˳˚⊹ 🧸 become obsessed with yourself.

you are stupid. i said it. there. you are stupid.

let me get this straight. you are out here listening to these people who make you insecure. you are listening and actually giving a shit about people who put you down, make you feel unworthy, inferior, less of the absolute goddess that you are. you people please, you go above and beyond to help people & change yourself for people who would never do the same and for what. for people to like you? honey nobodys gonna like you. you dont even like yourself.

listen ml you need to get your priorities straight. sit down for a sec. like. just sit and genuinely ask yourself "what do i get out of this? how does this serve me?". go on, ask yourself. all these people who constantly think theyre better than you, that they can walk all over you, the ones that dont care a bit for you with their actions even if their words say otherwise, all these habits that only make you feel more low, more insecure, and dont align with where you wanna go in any way, shape or form. honey how in the hell does any of this serve you ???😭😭

i am sick to death of seeing the word selfish everywhere the moment somebody steps up and is brave enough to try and better themselves. the amount of times ive gotten "youre so selfish" or "youve changed" or "you werent like this before" jst because i got out of the most severe depression of my life where i came close to being unalive so many times is riDICULOUS and just shows how normalised insecurity and people pleasing is nowadays.

you see, people are always trying to follow the trend, follow the leader, follow everyone else nowadays. nobody actually honours what they want & that is a reflection of their own insecurity and traumas and emotions they are too scared to face. do you really want that for yourself? youve got such big dreams, such big potential, but what on earth do you do to fulfill them?

i dont think you realise just how limitless you actually are. you can do anything. we are all born the same. its only those with the courage to get up and try who will reach what they want and achieve greater things.

GET OBSESSED WITH YOURSELF. i am so DRAINED and TIRED of caring about what people think. i like something? im gonna do it. i dont care. fuck people pleasing. what are they gonna do when youre rich and famous and successful and thriving? YOU ARE THE ONLY VALIDATION YOU NEED. life is so much easier when you genuinely could not care less, like you just dont give a single shit. you are the only person who knows you inside out and will be there with you 24/7 365. it infuriates me how self hatred is so normalised nowadays. like what the actual fuck, why would you wanna spend your entire life hating the only person whos gonna be with you every second without fail, when you are perfectly capable of reversing that???? its ridiculous.

get up. get obsessed with yourself. the only validation you should be chasing is your own. pull yourself together girl. this is ridiculous. you are so much more than this. start acting like it. be ur own biggest fan. be ur own bestest friend. everything you need is already within you. u got this. 💕

all my love 💓✨💗💘🎀💖

[squiddy-god]

Lmao last time I asked for Avenpaz but this is x reader so what about Aventurine x reader? Hehe thank you :3 (Desperate for some Aventurine stuff 🥰)

Yes you may, i'm going to do general hcs for this because thats what im feeling right now teehee- on a side note, aventurine but its the scene with hua cheng and xie lian with the dice rolling- there was just,,,so much tension in that scene please  

♡requests open♡

Cw : gn!reader, mentions of trauma and spoilers for his story and a bit of penacony, fluff. Both established and un established relationship hcs, a little bit of angst 

Ok so pre relationship i think that aventurine is actually quick to catch feelings but slow to realize them

Like off the bat he can tell how he feels in about someone, like or dislike, trust or not trust 

What is slow to build is how deep that runs, both his romantic feelings and his trust are gained slowly but eventually snowball and that is when he finally either realizes or admits it.

Something i never got in general is when people talk about like how {character} wouldn't trust you until xxx into relationship etc

But the thing is like, are y'all dating people you dont trust? Because especially as someone who is depressed/traumatized, I fully would have to trust someone to get into a relationship, and that trust does not reset to 0 because we got together like??- i promise i will tie this in trust me 

The other slight problem with aventurine pre relationship is that after he realizes/admits his feelings to himself he is taking that to his grave. He will casually flirt or maybe drop little hints, but he is content to never speak these feelings out loud to you, 

Half of this is a fear of forming intimate connections that he knows he's ultimately powerless to protect, he fears rejection and loss when it truly matters and this prevents him from ever really bringing himself to pursue you. The other half is a subconscious self sabotaging hatred. Despite his fronting he is an insecure and traumatized man who's become jaded by the cosmos. While he at this point would trust you implicitly he cant help the feeling that you won't, dont, and couldn't possibly like him and return his feelings. 

Reasonably he knows that he is an attractive man, a man with both wealth,power, and status, and yet he feels that you won't possibly want him. His self loathing even in his subconscious holds him back, giving a false sense of apathy towards your relationship status that outweighs the jealousy he feels. In truth the jealousy only serves to prove his point on how you don't return his feelings

There are scenarios that I think he would confess first if you don't beat him to the punch. 

The first is said jokingly, and yet there is not that sharp witted teasing edge or bite to his words, unexpectedly raw and genuine when he poses a simple “what if” question 

The second involves many different factors, maybe you catch him on a good day, maybe he sees the way you seem to look at him and in your eyes is the reflection of his own affections. Maybe you catch him on a bad day, and in his pit of despair he decides that it is at least worth the risk to gamble.

These are the moments he confesses to you, bated breath waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to lash out with laughter or anger but he is delighted when you return his feelings

Ok ok enough angst-

This man is a shameless flirt, he is romantic long before you every begin a relationship- you just take it as a joke, a bit that's silly between close friends 

After you manage to pry that confession out of him or you make the first move, he is shockingly quick to put a label on it, you are his romantic partner! His love, hes your lucky charm

Ok ok like i said before i really don't thing that aventurine is the type to be in an actual relationship with someone he A)doesn’t trust, or B) doesn’t love

So by the time you get in a relationship there is already a strong foundation of real trust, but he has already realized he is hopelessly in love. 

I will die on the hill that aventurine is a stage 100 clinger 

This is a clingy man to his core, he is sending you 50 messages a day

Good morning, good night, have you eaten? I love you, miss you, literally anything because he truly dose miss you 

Have you eaten? Yes? Good have a little treat +500 credits 

No? Wait there he's taking you to lunch- or +5000 credits 

I know everyone says it but he really does spoil you. Now the way he sees it genuinely isn't as like a bribe but both something that genuinely makes him happy and also he likes to make your life easier 

Seeing you happy, being able to spoil you with gifts and treats and money brings him genuine joy, and knowing that he is able to provide some relief from the harsh reality of life makes his a very merry man

As I said, clingy- he loves your time, being able to spend time with you and relax in your presence is truly heaven. 

Most of his missions aren't dangerous, just business so he enjoys taking you with him so that he can spend more time with you

He is touch starved for positive physical contact and affection 

Sit in his lap, let him sit in yours- honestly he isn't very picky as long as he gets to touch you 

If you thought his playful bestie flirting was bad you are gonna die, because he gets so much worse, now that he knows exactly what to say so that he can fluster you he grows ever bolder in his pursuit

No matter what he says his actions always follow his words, he shows he loves you with the way he sees you and treats you, in the way he seems to crave you like a thirsty man craves water or how a plant craves the warm sun, to breathe you in like air and love you tenderly 

Even if he is clumsy at love and intimacy he still puts in a profound sense of effort. 

The definition of if he wanted to he would. And he definitely wants to

[correctproseka]

An essay on autistic Mafuyu

Coming from a very autistic person.

Mafuyu has a bunch of autism symptoms, but a lot of them can also be explained by other reasons, such as her upbring and trauma, but not all of them, so I'm going to start speaking about the explainable by other things traits and move up to "boy you're tism". (Notw that the trauma explanation can also have a pre-disposition to happen due to tism)

In the biggest "can be explained by her trauma" category, we actually have the biggest reason people headcanon her as autistic. Her Alexithymia. Which is just a fancy word for "can't recognize her own feelings". No i did not have to copy paste that name to not write it wrong. Yes, many autistic people are bad at recognizing their own feelings, me included. But we also have to note that Mafuyu absolutely hid away those feelings for a mask and because they were needs not being met, a "good girl" like her doesnt get sad or angry right? Thats what made her push down those feelings so much she just ended up.. numb. Its extremely common in depression as well as autism which made me personally not realize i was depressed until someone made me put it into words, it was similar to my normal.

Theres also her.. exquisite vocabulary, Mafuyu uses lots of fancy terms sometimes, which is very stereotypical white boy autism. But also, she was pushed books down her throat by her mom since she was a child, she was expected to be this "fancy" and "smart-sounding". So she is.

Observant. Mafuyu doesn't talk a lot, she observes. She can recognize things on others sometimes, but mostly about the environment, which can be an autism noticing a bird singing 5 blocks away or a trauma "i need to notice this or i get fucked" reaction.

Mafuyu as mentioned, tends to listen more than speak, I am personally not this kind of autism, but it exists, Mafuyu is quiet, listening and only speaking when she feels her input is needed. This can be simply a mixture of autism and trauma. She doesn't feel the need to speak, so she doesn't, why would she waste her energy like that? Smh.. but also her good girl mask is supposed to be a good listener, not much of a yapper.

Now we are starting to move onto the things she does that are less explained by trauma and more explained by tism. Which is my favorite part to analyze.

Parallel play: Mafuyu seeks comfort with being with niigo and working alongside them, she doesn't even need to be talking, as seen by the kitty event where she kept just listening to them on earphones, she just wants to be near her people and gets calmed down by being with them.

Bluntness. As an autistic person i am extremely blunt in wrong situations, and can easily not recognize its the wrong situation. Per example Mafuyu's "why dont you imagine you're gonna get killed if you dont do it in half an hour" or all the times she points something out to Ena and gets a scream back because it was the wrong time? Mafuyu says what she thinks and when out of the mask she really. Really. Lacks a filter, because she doesn't know when or what she's supposed to speak or not

She.. kind of needs people to say the obvious? Sometimes she doesnt realize whats going on, why she's reacting in a way, so and so. One of the reasons Mizuki had to tell her it's ok to run away. Mafuyu never considered it. It wasn't obvious for her like it would be for a lot of people, she's kind of very oblivious in emotional matters like that, and needs someone (coughs usually Mizuki) to explain something to her

There's probably more but im doing this in like 15 minutes.

Plus, all in all, she makes autistic people like me really relate to her, even if they can be mostly explained by trauma doesnt mean she doesn't show those signs or that they're only because of that, even the mask she uses is a known neurodivergent thing.

[sukiipjs]

✮ BLONDIE : PT 1

°:. *��� ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

↳ nick sturniolo x masc reader

↳ words - 2239

↳ summary - you’ve been having a hard time realizing and accepting the fact that you’re gay, and in love with your best friend. you try to ignore the feelings but that only makes everything worse until you can’t hide it anymore.

↳ contains - swearing, angst, use of y/n, internalized homophobia, depression, crying, idk??? [READ PT 2 - PT 3]

↳ song - blondie by current joys

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

nick has been my best friend for years, he’s always been there for me, and me there for him. we met in the first grade when he saw me alone at recess on the swings and he ran up to me, asking if i wanted to play with him and his brothers. one of the many things i love about him, hes always there, always there to help, or just be with. from that day on he’s always been my number one but honestly, i’ve been kind of avoiding him lately.

of course i don’t want to, i really really don’t want to, trust me, but i don’t want to make anything bad between us either. even though pushing him away is probably fucking things up anyway.

the thing is, for months, maybe even years now i think that i might be coming to a realization: i think i’m gay, or not gay but bi? i hate labels, i dont want to be put into a box, its honestly just hard to fit into one too. i mean i’ve had girlfriends before and i’ve liked that, but nick…

okay i might be coming to another realization: i think i’m in love with nick. and to make everything worse, i can’t even talk to anyone about this because the only person i would tell is nick, but if i told him, well i just cant, it could destroy our friendship. he’d hate me, i cant lose him.

but maybe i’m not in love with him, i mean i love nick, i always have but maybe its not love love? maybe its just me appreciating our friendship more. okay who am i kidding it’s definitely becoming more, I LOVE HIM. he’s just perfect, in general, to me, to everyone. i want to spend every moment of my life with him, i want to hug him and never let him go, i want to be with him, i just want to see him again.

i can’t even imagine what he’d say if he knew i liked him. he’d probably be disgusted, i’d ruin our friendship forever. i cant do that, i can’t risk anything like that, i need him even if that means the best thing i can do is just stay away, make up lies of why i cant hang out, slowly stop texting him, i mean maybe it's not the best thing but its either i do this and try and force these feelings down or i tell him and ruin everything. this is better, or at least that’s what i keep telling myself.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

nick 🫶

| wanna hang out today? haven’t seen you in forever, i’m boredddd

| i know i’m sorry, but i cant today, really really sorry. still not feeling good

| that’s okay, hope you feel better though 💕 if you need anything tell me okay?

| i’d rather hang out with you and get sick then spend one more second with my idiot brothers over here 💀

i stare at the message on my screen, i’m not sick, i’m just trying to be a good friend… by avoiding my best friend… sure, whatever.

i slam down my phone on my mattress, rolling over and burying my face in my pillow. muffled screams from my mouth as tears, start to pour from my eyes. every time i message him, saying i cant hang out i immediately regret it. i want to see him, i always do but again, i cant, i fucking cant. it would only make my feelings stronger and i just need to get rid of them as soon as i can so things can just go back to how they were.

fuck, here comes the spiral that ive been replaying in my head forever. do i even really like him? am i really bi, gay, straight, whatever the fuck? i don’t even know, it’s all too confusing and stressful right now. why can’t i just be me? and have my best friend with me again? actually hang out with him, see him?

all i can really do right now is continue screaming and crying into my pillow about how much of a shitty friend i’m being, great. I constantly stalk his instagram, trying to see if i do really like him and try to see what he’s up to without me, i miss him so much.

…i wish he was a girl then i would be straight and all this shit wouldn’t hurt so much. i’m not trying to say that being gay is bad, all i’m saying is that it would be easier to figure all this out if i was straight and he was a girl. i know that’s so messed up to say but i don’t know how else to put it.

if he was a girl, i’d know that i’m in love with him, i wouldn’t be so afraid to accept myself because there wouldn’t be anything to accept. i’d just be me and he’d she’d be him her, i’d get to be his her boyfriend and we’d be a happy couple. i’d be happy and i wouldn’t have to push the person i love most in this stupid world away…

i smash my face into my silky white pillowcase over and over, shaking my head as i force the sides of the pillow into my face more. i want to suffocate.

i scream into my pillow more and more. ‘i love you nick, i love you nick, i love you. i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you… but i do, i really really do, but i cant… i really really fucking cant.’

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i stay rotting in my bed, spiraling about random shit, taking random quizzes of ‘am i gay?’ or ‘am i in love with my bestfriend?’ or ‘is it a crush?’ like i know.

soft blankets cover me, my silky pillows supporting my back as i rewatch rupaul's drag race on my computer until i finish it again, oreos and empty dr pepper cans surround me. and of course, nick always in my mind, everything reminding me of him, those stupid quizzes, his favorite show, his favorite drink. i wish he could be here, like how we used to hang out before i started ruining everything but i could be ruining it more, at least im keeping my mouth shut.

every once and a while, a message from nick pops up. him sending me a tiktok or telling me about how spacecamp is going or just something random, asking how im doing, if im still sick. most times i try to ignore him, turning off the notifications but i answer sometimes, only one or two words, maybe just an emoji, just trying to say something. i don’t want him to think i hate him or anything, i still of course love him.

the only time i ever get up from my bed is to go the the bathroom or get more food, ive been wearing the same two sweatpants alternating them and random shirts that i throw on the floor after i wear them for enough. my hair shaggy and a scratchy stubble on my face. i look and feel gross. i didnt think that forcing my best friend away and trying to figure out my sexuality could make me this depressed, who knew.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

weeks pass of me ignoring (or at least trying to ignore) nick and weeks of screaming into my sheets and sleeping all day become more and more. i finally decide to leave my apartment and stock up on some random things that will help me rot in my room even more: coffee, chips, oreos, whatever else i might want.

as i scan the aisle for dr pepper, standing in my gray hoodie with the hood covering me and one of the two sweatpants i’ve been wearing on, i hear a voice at the end of the row calling to me, “y/n?” my head turns to see who knows me that’s here, about to see how disgusting i look and just my luck, it’s nick.

“nick” a bright smile floods my face, i haven’t seen him for what seems like forever, i look at his blonde hair with grown out brunette roots, plus that signature nose ring and star earrings, of course he looks great.

he runs up to me, giving me a warm hug as he smiles too, “oh my god i haven’t seen you in decadessss” he exaggerates, laughing at me, “you feeling better now?” i tilt my head a little, confused but then i remember my lie. “oh yeah, i am. even though i dont look it” i try to scoff a laugh, looking down at myself, excusing how ‘i dont care’ i look right now.

“you look fine.” he laughs back again, “you know… me, chris and matt were gonna go out for dinner soon, wanna come?” i can tell he really wants me to be there and i really want to but i try to push it away, still.

“uhhh, i think had something later, sorry” my small smile slowly fading as his does too, i don’t think i’ve seen his smile leave that fast. “really? we haven’t talked in weeks, i miss you” he jokes a little, but really we do miss each other.

“i know, i’m sorry, but i promise we’ll hang out soon yeah?” i try to fake a small smile, trying to make this a little better but nick still looks sad, “yeah okay, see you later then?” he looks like he hates me, he looks just annoyed, hurt. i feel terrible.

“yeah, later” i’m about to walk closer to give him another hug but he leaves, to i assume go find his brothers, before i can. i’m terrible.

i finish up grabbing my things before leaving and driving off, replaying our interaction in my head. i could’ve just went? it was one dinner, that’s all. not a big deal. but it’s too late, it would just be weird if my schedule suddenly cleared up now.

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i make my way back to my apartment, putting my bags down on the counter before going straight to my room again, flopping down on top of the pile of blankets and stuffed animals that cover my bed.

i dig in my pocket for my phone, taking it out as i grab a blanket to pull it over my face, closing off the sun that shines through my window.

i go straight to me and nicks messages, thinking of texting him. ‘i’m sorry’ too short, plain. ‘sorry, i was wrong i can go’ feels like i’m pitying him, plus just dumb. ‘i love you’ yeah definitely not. ‘come over? sorry’ again, stupid and he can NOT see the mess i have over here.

i decide on nothing and put my phone to the side of me, burying my head into my pillows again, tears flooding my eyes again again again. it’s too much. this is all stupid and i need to get over it all. this is terrible.

i go back to my cycle of curling up in warm blankets, eating my now new oreos and dr pepper and rewatching shows i’ve seen a million times before. and obviously stalking nicks instagram, he posted a story of him and his brothers at dinner. he’s still wearing those earrings and that same beige jacket he was wearing before, and he still looks great.

i swipe up, about to message him. ‘you look great, sorry i couldn’t come’ i quickly delete it and just like the story. i need to stop trying to message him when i’m trying to ignore him.

₊ ° .☆ °:. *₊

after falling asleep shortly after i finished looking at nicks story i wake up to like five texts from who? nick, of course.

nick 🫶

| are you ignoring me?

| like did i do something or what?

| are you okay?

| can we just talk or hang out please?

| y/n?

| okay sorry actually, never mind

my heart drops, i feel so TERRIBLE. nick did nothing and i never want him to think that he did something wrong. he’s perfect.

i pick up my phone to respond but honesty i don’t know if i should… i want him to know that he did nothing but he’s right about me ignoring him… fuck this. i just ignore him, still.

i shut off my phone fast and roll to my other side, curling up my legs and staring at the small textured bumps on the off-white wall that i face. i take in every detail, trying to distract myself with something else. i spot all the tiny discolorations or stains on the wall, the way it all starts to blur when tears, again, rain out my eyes.

they drip on the curves of my cheeks and lips, my hands are tucked under my legs as he tears drop onto my sheets, i don’t bother wiping them off. they make a small circle ish shape when it hits on my bed with a darker gray on my gray sheets.

my spiraling hits again when the ridges on my wall go dark as my eyes close. why can’t my best friend just be my best friend? why can’t i just be a normal person? why can’t i just forget it all? why can’t this all just go away? why? why? why? why?

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

taglist : @slutforchriss @mattsleftnipple03 @mattsdinosweater @ccolleenn @mixvchelle @leah-loves-lilies @sturn-wrld @redz0nez9 @cheriematt @freshloveforthefit @nickuniversity @whore4matt @txssvx @will-yummy

[lilsispro]

Idk if people made W2H OCs cuz everywhere i look there like not there except for DeviantArt and 1 tumbler post (which omg I LOVE THEIR OC!! AAA SUCH A COOL CONCEPT! It was a post by @cactusdraw) which actually suprised me how little of OC are in this fandom considering the fact that it was ard the time everyone crazed abt making OCs to put into their fandom (COUGH COUGH ME COUGH COUGH.) Sooo, i figured that uhhhh i would post my OC i made a year ago that i never had the confidence to show to anyone except for my friends, they said it was a good idea to post it! That was in May- now its October 😭, so ive FINALLY built the courage to post it after 5ish months of thinking abt it, i bring to u..

Burger

Yes yes yes ik goofy name, but i like it :3 (random note but, i hate how big i drew her neck 😭 i remember trying to fix it but it looked werid so i just left it 😭)

Alright, now for lore drop for her ig!

Burger was a 16-17 year old attending Black Sheep high school, (think thats the high schools canon name-) one day she was found dead, she then went to heaven, not to long after became a fallen angel and was sent down to hell (idk if fallen angels exist- i need to ask Erica but i know shes busy but i really wanna ask in her message box in her blog 😭.) Then you know got a job to haunt people to get people down there so when hell is fully renovated it can go as one would expect.

Very basic very simple, but thats not really detailed, heres ghe detailed version bellow here instead of the basic structure: (Warning mentions of abuse, violent acts, and underage drinking)

Burger grew up in a not so stable household to say, parents were restricting, abusive, unfair, all the bad lables for crappy parents who basically to say failed at their job as a parent. So she mainly grew alone in her room learning guitar (base), and how to cook for herself and bake. She joined a band thats known around school for being cheap and decent. She also had a crush on a former band mate named Hidey. Since their band is known they have some form of social reputation around there, say in the middle of the social status of the school reputation system. One faithful day they got a commission to play at Zacks GFs party (im gonna assume he has one since hes a jock) for a few hours, they accepted. When Burger got home that day she went to go head out but then had a argument with her dad and got her guitar smashed. She ran out the house mad asf and used a near by phone booth to call her friend to get a spare guitar for her, they get the guitar and hwad to the party. They perform a few songs, everyone's happy, they get offered to stay so thru do so they dont seem rude. As Burger partied, Zacks GF dragged her to her room to speak privately, they get in the room, have a few drinks of wine after raiding the liquor cabinet a while back in the party, Zacks GF started to act a little of and before burger could say anything abt it, she gets pinned down onto the bed and gets her head slashed off. Turns out, Zacks GF had red punch looking similar to wine while she had wine,and also turns out Zacks GF hated her guts for one reason. A middle school crush on Zack. The most stupidest reason to have a grudge or kill someone over. So then she got to heaven and got a job as a guardian angel, sucked at that not even showing up to her job and instead did sinful like acts in heaven without knowing and got sent to hell becoming a fallen angel and getting a job to haunt a girl named Maria (which my friends OC) and drive her to suicide.

SO MUCH WORD OMG! But thats the detailish version of it! Maria is my friends OC like i said, she told me i could put her in so yeah. Also they dont have the best bond, simialr to socks and jons but instead of one being a joyful teasing demon, burger is a sarcastic ass, and Maria is a depressed teenager that annoyed by her demon. So basically Jonathan and Jonathan. They have some sentimental moments (AND GAY ASS MOMENTS) where they get a little connection to each other. Burgers has 2 canon connections to 2 canon characters, one with jon which is just rivals and same with sock. She basically hates their guts and constantly tries to persuaded Maria to mess with jon but failes horribly. Essentially shes a mix of Jon, Jojo, and sock in th slightest ways with the simialr characteristics/traits and the general way of acting.

Omg thats so much words i feel so bad for writing this much but ima end it off here! Also, other drawings of her

I wanna start drawing her again cuz i got the idea to put her ina a heather chandeliers costume for fun but i cant draw her hair the same way i did a while back. If i find the original drawing of her ill edit the post and pu it in! For now cya!!!

[cconfusedkat]

(shaking hands, functioning on three iced coffees, not beta read we just die) (LIL BRO TREATING THIS LIKE AO3Anyways yeah i did not read anything i typed here a second time so my wording might Suck Major Kuss)

Hey chat! sorry my holiday depression unfortunately kicked in, i had a ,, relatively decent Eid (cuz i dont celebrate christmas) ...? so i hope everyone had a relatively better holiday than i did… 💦

My friends often tell me i look like my art and i kinda see it. Hooray! Meeting the artist! Except i took matters into my own hands of making my own collage because I Do Not Have Enough Storage Space For Any Other Editing App

Additional shitpost ❤️ the art I've been most proud of are not actually in here, really! I'm mainly proud of the fanart i made for the few smiling critters AU's aaaall the way back feb-march but. I guess the stuff i liked the most i did this year was probably for the one who wilts? Im trying to think of stuff earlier than that. I noticed i definitely had an improvement in art, and i learned i do have a preference of drawing certain ways now too lmao- the fun of art! I hope to improve more in 2025 :-)

Herm,, all jokes aside, im glad people like my art...?? I am not a very Secure artist myself (already taking me five minutes to type that out and consider myself as an artist) so im SHOCKED when people Actually like my things. My doodles. The sometimes rare occasion of real art i put out there. Like! Wow! Thats crazy

Id have to say the same for youtube- im currently at 456 subscribers 🥺❤️ that is huge to me,, i wouldnt have expected me posting for the first time in years on youtube would result to me getting this many subscribers? ? .???

Im very, VERY thankful for the people ive met this year through fandom and generally. Unfortunately—for the past few months—Ive hit a really low stump in my mental health that limits me from talking to people without getting super drained, even on social media i kinda struggle with being active again. I am thankful for the people that continue to stick around and know im the way that i am,, one day ill be mentally stronger and everyone is gonna see my growth as soon as i can ,, Actually leave my own home and hopefully start a new. I didnt really consider that until one of my friends shared its experiences with me and i GENUINELY realized i can run away and get better one day,, there is a light at the end of the tunnel,, there IS,, but not now. Not today. Not in a few months. Itll take me years to heal but 2025 and ongoing years as i get more freedom to do so,,

UHHHH UHHH. ASIDE FROM CHEESY RANTING OF HAVING HOPES FOR THE FUTURE, YAPYAPYAP- i got a drawing tablet (again another thing my friend inspired me for- technically two major things in a row it inspired me for- hope in the future and drawing BWAHAHA-) and uhhh. HmMMOOHHH YEAH I REUNITED MY MEOWMEOWS! HOORA🎊🎊🎊🎊

my 2025 goals are not just improvement in art,, but in hopes of getting a full time job (since my last full time UMM. did NOT work out well! How am i gonna learn to pay my taxes on my own dawg,) and trying to get a place of my own since i missed out on that two years ago (or one? One year ago? I DUNNO..!!!!) , therapy and trying to heal better compared to my terrible stumps of 2022-2024,, i dunno what else but. Maybe working on my social skills at some point 🗿��� a far fetched goal is moving out of state completely and also going on testosterone but that is farrrr from now </33

Thank you lot for following and keeping up with my goofiness i gen did not think an animanga nerd with a passion of indie and mascot horror games could reach 510 followers within one year HELPPP thats crazy

On less serious goals though i hope on watching more animes than reading manga in 2025 BWAHAHAGAHSAJD i read manga more and anime is Extremely Rare for me to watch but both jjk and Beastars have all ive been watching as of recent lol- trust i will be such a geek (girl Please that is NAWT something to look forward to) (YES IT IS. HAVE YOU NO WHIMSY?)

[ganondoodle]

since seeing a post from a mutual yesterday i was thinking about how grateful i am that i can now, confidently say something like -im taking demise away from nintendo- or -hes MY character now- while knowing that the people following me will understand that thats not actually possible and also i dont mean that literally literally (duh)

bc (while i have mentioned it in the past and im not trying to fish for sympathy with this, the memories ... and trauma really does come back every now and then) there were people once that imagined i said that about a popular character in the fandom i was in when i was a teen and proceeded to try (and nearly succeeding bc i was already struggeling alot with depression, anxiety and undiagnosed autism) to bully me into killing myself; perhaps it wasnt their actual goal, but the shit they did (alot of them were adults too), was absolutely insane, but i've only been able to see that wayyyy after the fact

like even if im remembering wrong and i did word it wrong or weird or in a way that was easily misunderstood, i was a teen, with english not as my first language and it still was some fandom shit that ultimately did not matter and never in any scenario warrented that level of harrassment, i dont even think i ever told my parents bc i thought i had to deal with it alone since i 'caused' it too and since then just ... wanting to forget it ever happened

while i am much, much better now, and slowly learning to manage my mental health struggles too, i do wonder just .. how much of how i am today was shaped by that horrible experience, like the way i overly try to pre-apologize and put doubts on every thought i write out, or the panic i feel when something does go outside my usual range (mostly twitter really ..) was immensely worsened by that .. among stuff i probably dont even realize

funnily enough, i made my account on tumblr to try and flee from all that was happening to me (even if they did stalk me at first .. even here) and hey, im still here :D

i guess what im trying to say is, i am very happy to still be here, i am grateful to be able to be myself, even with its downsides, even with my problems, even if the things i do are passable at best, even if i will never "make it big", even if i am annoying at times, even if i do mistakes still, even if i am .... horribly bad at replying to the awesome people that message me-

there are, at least a few people, who enjoy, or even care, or heck, even think about what i draw and write, which is .. still mind boggling to me and i might never be able to truly believe its all real, there are people who are able to see beyond my flaws, forgive me if i do missstep or overreact, and just be aware that even with everything i share about me, there is lots you dont know that may inform why i feel a certain way about something, but thats okay, i am human, i am here, there are people who enjoy my brainworms, and perhaps even think i, as a person, am nice

i am so grateful for that

some things are good

[homuracar]

many things knotted in my head art related that i'm not putting in my actual online diary maybe later -> i'm reminded of how much dread i feel fandom wise ngl. and internet. and art in general too. i think. i feel like this everywhere so it's pointless to think about but honestly just wish i didn't care so much about somethings

random thing but the thought of my art in a professional setting has been making me feel sicker and sicker. maybe something about not wanting to grow up idk. but most of the time its like. thoughts of my art in an "art industry". i feel sick so easily but like. when i briefly had an online shop to sell this gay little 40page comic. i wish i could explain it lol words are so tedious. it really makes me want to get out. commissions too a little but differently. im like how could i ever convey this drawing well i dont even know the characters. what could someone possibly get out of that.(hypocritical train of thought) when my art starts to feel too templated i feel sick and then don't do anything to change it. a little restless.

another derailment but im glad nobody discourses me actually because i hate it. nobody cares anyways they want to put your words under a microscope 😭 and again words are so tedious. just draw theres nothing else you can do. its ooover. i like to say im clinically depressed but i actually don't remember what they said. something like that. in a way i want my art to stand without my words so to fill the space of words (and because trying to explain myself alongside it is like some kind of cruelty) but im at a point where its too intrinsically tied to me(mortifying) that its kindof. like. lalalalaa LMAO I GIVE UP ON TALKING FOREVER😅😅😅 if i was a music artist i think i'd kill myself

[wasyago]

episode 110 spoilers

just like, random thoughts and stuff, mostly bits that i remembered

i sat down to write this i forgot everything oh my god--

in chip's flashback. the black rose pirates following the king to the big sakura tree, and arlin holding baby chip's hand. this. the cutest shit ever, i think i almost cried at the image of this big badass group of pirates and this itty bitty child led gently by his hand. even if i didn't cry before i sure will right now, baby chip you're so dear to me...

QUEEN! they didn't remember anything aughhhhh 😭😭😭😭 and their and chip's little talk about how they're going to put the pieces together :( and their hug :(

whatever drey, finn and earl are doing on the ship... like, what? hello? glad they're having fun tho lol. also wait hold on a second. how did drey answer the call? i mean, probably with his leg or something, if i had to guess. or maybe finn held it up for him. not sure if finn is at it enough to be able to answer the shell by himself, so earl and drey are the only ones who can actually use it. and seing how earl is in a... predicament. hm.

jay saying that when she looks at gillion she sees family. AUGHHHHHHHHHH AUGH AUGH OUGH jay ferin i love you. and this is so important to me not only because like hell yes they're more than friends they're a family, but also for jay of all people, considering her relationship with her blood tied family and how complicated her relationship with this word is.

also girl please do something about your leg, im begging you. the bone is visible, this shit is not going to heal up by itself. i dont know how you're still limping around this must hurt so bad. i guess adrenalin maybe, but still. at least get some bandages or something, i don't know... what is it with jay and her legs actually. she fell off a roof in edison kingdom and landed on a piece of metal that fucked up her leg, and now this.

oh my god niklaus, how could i forget about my babygirl. i mean, what can i say i love this guy. i dont know how many times ive relistened to his intro song, but definitely more than i should've... um. there was a lot of big important lore that i don't have the brain capacity to process rn.... i want to say that niki is the nameless prince and/or the thing trapped in the hole in the sea. because he can only interact with one person at a time by inviting them to his pocket dimension (even with jay it was said that the time around her stopped while she was talking with niklaus), implying that niki is trapped somewhere and this is the only constricted way he can interact with the world. and to answer chip's questions he said he wants freedom more than anything, again implying that right now he doesn't have this freedom. which makes sense, right? but then, the big bad thing was supposedly trapped thousands of years ago (i think?), but niklaus was a world famous pirate lord not so long ago and not trapped anywhere, so.....? idk im probably missing something. can't for the life of me find the moment where they read the nameless prince book so like, whatever.

that moment where jay talked to chip about how she thinks its all her fault and she should've just gave up her arm and leg. and how chip reassures her....... them 🥺🤲 kind of inspired by that post abt chip and jay i reblogged earlier, but these two talking about their emotions and feelings is so dear to me. just, being human with each other and opening up. gill is great ofc, but i feel like for these two its much easier to talk to each other to feel understood and heard. i love them.....

chip is still very much dead and probably won't be resurrected any time soon, so... hooray new undead chip design! but also oh my god my poor boy... forever 19... (also charlie and condi being surprised that chip is only 19. yeah </3) my poor guy my poor baby, he sounds so beaten and depressed in the beginning of the episode, its just breaking my heart qwq...

star and zamia <333 hehe

chip trying to marry igneous. lol. darling chill out, you just got out of one unsuccessful marriage and it didn't teach you anything, you're dead, you're only 19, you've known this guy for like, 2 days? don't get me wrong, godspeed to chip, but cmon man take him out to dinner first or something

and uhhh. the end, that's all i got

[starofhisheart]

This scene in s2 w Ed and Frenchie

Parallels with this scene w Ed and Izzy from s1

(Had to snip a part out so it would fit but at first Izzy denies and then he actually tries, albeit begrudgingly.)

I always thought the scene with Izzy was showing how disconnected the pair are and while I still think that, the s2 scene shines new light on that original interaction. Where Izzy is trying to understand his boss, Frenchie doesnt even try and only denies. This is understandable ofc with everything Ed has put him and his friends through but its just interesting how they chose to parallel the scenes. Here, Frenchie has just become first mate and its almost like Ed hopes he'll be a sort of Izzy stand-in or at least falls back on his usual rapport with his first mate. But Frenchie is not Izzy. And this parallel highlights that.

I've had theories about how Ed sees Izzy and s2 has given us so much food for thought. When Izzy directly asks him "Who am I to you?" Ed softly says "what", like he's not even sure himself. The look on his face is blank but almost imploring and unsure. Izzy is just...Izzy. Friend? Lover? Thats too complicated and yet not as complicated as their relationship with each other. Izzy has clearly thought about it but has Ed? They've been together for so long ("I've been cleaning up your messes my whole fucking life.") without communicating their feelings. Bc thats what pirates do right? They dont have time for soft things like feelings.

But then Ed goes off and finds a new lover unlike any of his others and Izzy panics. Stede is a threat to their way of life, unsafe-at least thats how Izzy sees it-and then its over and Ed is breaking, depressed and then pretending to be ok

TW: suicide discussion

-and to speak on that specific point some more, I subscribe to the belief that post Lucius-talk-Ed where he's planning music shows, etc is not him coping healthily. We see this paralleled in s2 where after Izzy is "dead" Ed puts his hair up, starts cleaning and seems "chipper". But then we know he's planning to kill himself and everyone on board that same day. So this whole charade feels...macabre. He's getting his affairs in order in preparation for the big deed. Depression CAN look like this too.

When Izzy confesses he has love for Ed he says it haltingly, like its hard to even get the words out, like he's never said anything like this before (and he probably hasn't). And the words he chooses too. Instead of "I love you" he says "I have love for you". Its like he's saying after everything, all the pain and heartache, I still have love for you. But Ed refuses to, can't hear what Izzy is saying, and dismisses his confession. Perhaps he thinks this is a ploy too. After all he's unlovable right?

But we know from later scenes that Ed does love Izzy

in his own way. Some may interpret this line as platonic, some romantic-but I think it's more complicated than that. Again, Izzy and Ed have been together for so long the lines have blurred. They love each other like a brother. They're partners. They hate each other. They're an extension of each other. They're coworkers. Boss and right hand man. They can't imagine being without the other.

Well, whatever they feel for each other its capital C complicated that's for sure.

I have so many thoughts about ✨️them✨️ but I'll leave it here for now. No hate in the comments pls. Both men are my lil meows meows and have done nothing (and everything) wrong. Love those gay dudes fr.

[radfemsiren]

Im not sure how the discussion began but you and your followers might like this one video essay on the barbie movie called “barbie thinks women are stupid” that put a lot of my feelings into words. I was esp let down by the ken takeover portion because the barbies just being their servants was grossly triggering for me like the fact they think we dont exist anymore, girls who watched their mothers be actual “brewski beer” slaves. The movie was by and for rich suburban girls with mild democrat dads and mildly annoying brothers who think everyone lives like them. The escapism of the of cgi barbie movies felt like better feminism than this male pandering depressing stuff. He literally STOLE her home and the movie still ended w everyone feeling bad for him. When the public can twist this movie like this and men like it, its a bad movie.

I’ll check it out!

Yeah I was watching the movie and when the third act hit, I was wondering how they were going to go about this internalized misogyny plot. I was shocked they would address something liberal feminists usually shy away from: women who are brainwashed by patriarchy and accept subservience. “Will they actually show a women’s revolution in Barbie land? There’s not much time left, and that seems ballsey, so how will they solve this?” I thought.

I was imagining maybe a childish plot device to swoop in, a fairie dust like magical item that would snap the Barbie’s out of their slave mentality and would represent sisterhood or something else safe and apolitical…. instead they let the Kens play guitar for them and just played into the stereotype that men are dumb but well intentioned, and women are manipulative and must coddle and baby their poor male partners that “never meant any harm when they created and benefited from patriarchy 🥺” Ughhhh… terrible ending.

Me and my friend got into a jokey argument afterwords lol, she was mad that the black Barbie president was stupid and I was like, “At least you got one! They had a cross dressing male Barbie in there and no middle eastern ones 😂” We did both love the part with the old woman at the bus stop being told she’s beautiful, and when the Barbie creator was talking about her daughter :,) That was a cute moment! I criticize the movie a lot but I still wore pink and had a great time with the gals, it was fun and made men mad so it did something lol

[sout999]

dear tumblr ,,⋋(•◇•)⋌,,

thank you so much for all the support on my top surgery fundraiser, whether it's donating, reblogging or just staying patient with while i boost the link multiple times. which i am going to keep doing! it's no understatement that this is the single biggest positive thing that's happening in my life, and the time i need your help most. so i'm making my voice heard as much as i possibly can to spread the word, and i appreciate all your help with it. it makes me feel loved as a person and not as a bunch of posts on a dashboard, i've been getting pretty isolated because of mental health stuff so even the small connection we have from your act of goodwill is really meaningful to me

i've been ok, mostly putting in work on my masters degree, although some of the 'work' included having a massive breakdown from months of burnout, and i'm currently in the middle of trying to get an extension and rework a large part of my project. mostly this is due to the subject matter of my work having had a lot of loaded cultural and personal themes, which, when being forced to think about nonstop for two years, while also moving in with the family member who is the source of a large part of all the trauma of it, was just too much. taking a stance to axe the project in its current form was hard and made me feel like a quitter but now i feel relief and realize it was an act of self love as well

so i'm trying to recover from that and see a way forward to a project i would like doing, but it's hard when your circumstances have left you this depressed. i'm also trying to become more mindful of the way i use social media because when i'm anxious i fall very easily into the numbness sink of scrolling social media just to avoid thinking... i've stared a daily list of Ten Things That Happened That Day That Didn't Happen On The Internet, although i never get to ten, and i dont think even pre-internet leon would have gotten to ten, but it's good to aim high and take notice even of the little things. maybe to some people this comes naturally but i have to be very deliberate about it. i think this article sums up how im starting to feel about the internet rn

i've cut most personal spending down as much as possible to save up to my top surgery, so i have to find fun things to do that don't cost money. i'm trying to sew because my partner knows a lot about it and can teach me (i'm currently trying to engineer the perfect underwear, weird hobby but it's actually an amazing dysphoria-buster because most store bought underwear that fits my ass is so feminine, to be able to make a piece of something so intimate be so personal is, omg, an act, of, omg, self love). i've also sold off some things to help save for my top surgery and doctor visits, i'm trying to not get rid of anything i will really miss but it's also an enjoyable feeling to imagine the item disappearing as it becoming a permanent part of my history and of my sexy flat boy body (~o_o)~

if i end up having some free time outside of my masters degree, my current dream project is making pixel assets. i think with all the cases of my art getting stolen and used without permission it would actually be really cool to put something together specifically for public use. i miss kaoani and flower banners and stuff. i dont know if i can ever make something so saccharinely cute and tidy but if anything it's a nice space to visit

did you miss me coming to tumblr to make long winded posts about nothing? hopefully when twitter falls we will all be on here reading each others paragraphs, hopefully i'll have more going on in my life and can write even longer ones. here is a nice drawing, and a link to the fundraiser once again :)

https://gofund.me/958124b6

[babybabymerrychristmas]

like okay im thinking about how the whole title track sounds very much like she's trying so hard to make the situation sound romantic when the lyrics are objectively what the fuck and how thats probably the point of the song because like the more i really read the lyrics, the more im like these lyrics sound very similar to those in so high school to me.

like i said previously that so high school doesnt work for me as a love song because the lyrics are so un-romantic and what the fuck and I'm thinking ttpd falls under the same category of love songs trying really hard to be love songs but the reality of the situation is so bleak.

for example, ttpd talks about her lover "self sabatoging" and "throwing spikes down on the road" and the "romantic thing" they did together was smoke weed and eat lots of chocolate in bed. The most "romantic" thing he does is at dinner when he takes her ring off her middle finger and put it on her fourth finger, which SHE interprets as "the one people put wedding rings on" because SHE wants to get married and will read into things that arent meant to be read into to justify the "cyclone" of a ride she chose to be on. in other words, she justifies her behavior by saying that it's true love and they're destined to end up married together.

i keep thinking about that HORRIFIC fucking quote from the folklore documentary where taylor admits as much when she says that "betty and james" end up together in her end but "he really puts her through it." anyways moving on before i yak.

the whole title track is the most unromantic, least sexy set of situations you can think of and the cringey lyricism of it all plays into the art of it all because she did it all on purpose to convey her delusional behavior and thinking patterns last year after the break up with joe. the whole song reads as delusional because she wasn't thinking straight after the break up and she wanted to get that point across here i think.

but also like so high school is equally as cringey and unsexy and unromantic as you can fucking get. im sorry but if you're older than 25 and still think american pie is a good movie, you're cringey. if you think having sex around people who dont know thats what you're doing is cool and sexy, you're cringey. like idk the whole song just doesnt feel romantic to me. who actually wants to feel sixteen again ? i was suicidal back then so im biased af but i feel like adulthood is so much better than teenagehood.

its so fucking cringey to want to stay young forever. its so fucking cringey to want to not age and be stuck in a high school mentality. like idk when i hear the song, im just not feeling romantic at all the same way i do not feel romantic at all listening to the title track either. both of these songs to me are similar in nature. cringey af lyrics written to try and back the best out of bleak options because the person who is making these choices just wants to be married already and doesnt care who gets her to the aisle at this point.

like i feel like there is such a desperation in ttpd to be settled down and married and im like.... why? what is the rush? why are you acting like its the end of the world if you're not married by 35? its why the prophecy is a skip for me because its just like... i dont relate to that level of desperation at all.

have i wanted to be loved? yes.

have i been rejected and down bad crying at the gym before? yes.

have i gotten into a serious depressive episode because of a relationship break up before? yes.

but have i ever been so desperate to lower my standards in what i find acceptable in a relationship? no.

i cannot relate to dating people i do not actually like because i want to get married and be married in the eyes of other people so badly im willing to entertain anything at this point.

like i understand ignoring small red flags that could go either way in the beginning of a relationship but i could never seriously commit to changing my entire personality to be in a relationship with someone.

there are also some things i just could never fucking accept in a relationship and treating me like im not high on your list of priorities is one of them. i also am not the type to "send signals" by "biting my nails down to the quick" either in a relationship. i will make my opinion and argument known for why you should not treat me x y z and you still do, i will leave. i will leave so fucking fast and i will not spend 3 years cultivating a side piece relationship to escape into either. i will just leave.

and i feel like taylor has exposed a deep critical truth about herself and her mentality to love that feels very like young to me... i remember thinking this way when i was a child but by 17 i had really outgrown that idea of romance and love already and was developing the 1989 approach to love which i think is another important thing to consider in the ttpd conversation.

because 1989 has assumedly over 100 songs written on it and we got just over 20 of them for taylor's version. that means there is 4/5 of the 1989 era in the vault that we will never hear. and ttpd is 2 hours worth of music written in about 6-10 months so its safe to assume that ttpd era is mostly not in the vault (maybe 1/5 in the vault).

and 1989 is like the life of the bolter character in blank space and i just always assumed taylor and the bolter were one and the same during 1989 era. but even just the 5 songs we got off the vault are so much like ttpd to me that i feel like the real character of 1989 is more like ttpd where the bolter is 1 song out of 31, most of which directly contrast the narrative told in the bolter.

and i feel like 1989 is more an album of taylor's idealized version of herself and ttpd is who she really is to present that image of herself to the world. and the insides of it are so very human but kind of ugly and worthy of ridicule. ttpd is the expansion of dear reader where she warns you of what is to come and how she is going to show you the reality behind "the home thats really a house" because nobody is there waiting for her due to actions she takes to self-sabatoge at every opportunity.

she is so caught up in what people say about her that she spent 3 out of 6 years of her public "end game" relationship fantasizing about how to end up with a past toxic fling from her roaring 20s. she is gatsby looking back at the green light of the 1989 era and wanting to be that "happy" again. so she burns it all down and she's left with songs like ttpd and so high school to sing about because she is a feather taken by the wind blowing.

anyways this is a huge fucking ramble sorry yall if u made it down here congrats holy shit 💓