#i almost replied in a jokey way about this to the mutuals post in question

[ganondoodle]

since seeing a post from a mutual yesterday i was thinking about how grateful i am that i can now, confidently say something like -im taking demise away from nintendo- or -hes MY character now- while knowing that the people following me will understand that thats not actually possible and also i dont mean that literally literally (duh)

bc (while i have mentioned it in the past and im not trying to fish for sympathy with this, the memories ... and trauma really does come back every now and then) there were people once that imagined i said that about a popular character in the fandom i was in when i was a teen and proceeded to try (and nearly succeeding bc i was already struggeling alot with depression, anxiety and undiagnosed autism) to bully me into killing myself; perhaps it wasnt their actual goal, but the shit they did (alot of them were adults too), was absolutely insane, but i've only been able to see that wayyyy after the fact

like even if im remembering wrong and i did word it wrong or weird or in a way that was easily misunderstood, i was a teen, with english not as my first language and it still was some fandom shit that ultimately did not matter and never in any scenario warrented that level of harrassment, i dont even think i ever told my parents bc i thought i had to deal with it alone since i 'caused' it too and since then just ... wanting to forget it ever happened

while i am much, much better now, and slowly learning to manage my mental health struggles too, i do wonder just .. how much of how i am today was shaped by that horrible experience, like the way i overly try to pre-apologize and put doubts on every thought i write out, or the panic i feel when something does go outside my usual range (mostly twitter really ..) was immensely worsened by that .. among stuff i probably dont even realize

funnily enough, i made my account on tumblr to try and flee from all that was happening to me (even if they did stalk me at first .. even here) and hey, im still here :D

i guess what im trying to say is, i am very happy to still be here, i am grateful to be able to be myself, even with its downsides, even with my problems, even if the things i do are passable at best, even if i will never "make it big", even if i am annoying at times, even if i do mistakes still, even if i am .... horribly bad at replying to the awesome people that message me-

there are, at least a few people, who enjoy, or even care, or heck, even think about what i draw and write, which is .. still mind boggling to me and i might never be able to truly believe its all real, there are people who are able to see beyond my flaws, forgive me if i do missstep or overreact, and just be aware that even with everything i share about me, there is lots you dont know that may inform why i feel a certain way about something, but thats okay, i am human, i am here, there are people who enjoy my brainworms, and perhaps even think i, as a person, am nice

i am so grateful for that

some things are good

[notreallythegreatestperson]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; MUN & MUSE - MEME.

FILL OUT & REPOST ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

TAGGED BY: @the-judge-of-bones (sort of)

TAGGING: Do it

MY MUSE IS:  canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. 

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK (only a few weirdos)

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK (they get a lot of attention for being evil but imo there's more potential depth to them that doesn't get explored enough)

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO (while you can hc any number of things, you could remove all direct references to them and still have most of the narrative be the same, apart from the very end or the geno route)

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG (especially since I believe in NarraChara)

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. (varies depending on setting, but generally not great)

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?  — I tend to stick pretty close to what little is properly established for Chara, and I enjoy finding little details in the game that I can link into their story (e.g. Asriel asking Frisk to let him win in the final fight, or the fire tools in New Home being filed down.) There’s definitely some of my own headcanons in there though, and I’ll often switch up canon a little bit to make a RP setup work.

SELL YOUR MUSE! AKA TRY TO LIST EVERYTHING, WHICH MAKES YOUR MUSE INTERESTING IN YOUR OPINION TO MAKE THEM SPICY FOR YOUR MUTUALS.  —  You know the trope of “the villain has to think they’re doing the right thing”? Chara’s the opposite of that. They’re a kid deliberately playing the villain, who’s just happened to gain the power needed to be actually dangerous. They’ll do almost anything to get to where they want to be. They’ve got the RP potential for anything from soft wholesome interactions with family and friends, to intense fights to the death. They’re very reactive, and will change the way they talk and act to get a particular response out of someone. They’re the kid who thought they were the Chosen One, and died for that mistake.

NOW THE OPPOSITE, LIST EVERYTHING WHY YOUR MUSE COULD NOT BE SO INTERESTING (EVEN IF YOU MAY NOT AGREE, WHAT DOES THE FANDOM PERHAPS THINK?).  —  They’re straight up not a good person. They can be very antagonistic, no matter how friendly your character is. I don’t ship with them at all, romantically or sexually. They’re a bit overplayed as a RP character, and I don’t exactly do much new with them. It’s very hard to get them to open up, or to do any kind of character development - not impossible, but hard. 

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?  —  I’ve always found villain characters interesting, often more than the protagonists themselves. When I first heard of Undertale, I only knew of Chara as the “hehe creepy murder kid villain” character, and played about with RPing them a bit. As I got more into the fandom, I started learning more about them, and how much depth they could have, and it inspired me to keep developing and writing them. 

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?  —  I tend to be very on and off with blogs like this, I’ll have a period where I’ll have loads of inspiration and then it’ll drop off over time. This time around, I’ve managed to join a really cool discord and made some great friends, so I’m hoping they’ll inspire me to stick around a bit longer :D

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? 

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? (I have a bunch, I just rarely make a headcanon-specific post. Please ask me about headcanons for anything though.) 

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO 

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO (That’s a special interest baby!)

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF? 

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. (I know it’s not the best, but I think it works well enough)

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / SORTA.  (Not really, I’m generally pretty thick-skinned, though it’s still always reassuring when someone lets me know they enjoy interacting with me 💛)

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?  —  I try my best to, I want to make this an enjoyable experience for my partner too, and as long as it’s constructive criticism and not just “haha you suck”, I’m happy to listen.  

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?  — YES. ABSOLUTELY. SEND ME RANDOM QUESTIONS FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  — If they want to discuss it, sure! Chara’s very based on headcanons and how you personally interpret canon, and it’s honestly really interesting how many different views there are on it. 

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?  — it’s not for everyone, and that’s chill! I’m not expecting everyone to like my take on the character. If there’s something specific I’m doing wrong (eg a serious issue I’m misinterpreting), feel free to let me know. 

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?  —  Again, that’s honestly chill. They’re a pretty polarizing character, and the fanon for them can be pretty negative sometimes. I don’t personally agree with some of the reasons why people don’t like them (nochoco’s theory of them abusing Asriel, for example), but I know I’m not gonna be able to change everyone’s mind. 

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?  — I don’t mind jokey mentions if I make a funny typo, or pointing out mistakes in permanent parts of my blog (a friend pointed out yesterday that my description had been saying Indepent instead of Independent for months lmao). I don’t think that nitpicking every reply is gonna do much good, though.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?   —  I hope so!