#its not even social anxiety or something
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so im asocial its kinsa physically pinfull right now
#got the urge to socialise#absolutely cannot do it#its not even social anxiety or something#i be lurking around some sort of beach party like no i cant start a conversation absolutely not#im nust not gonna talk to a person#much energy#and i am very much not uhh approachable? apparently#no one ever starts talking to me like i texted several friend cuz#you know im bored thats why im considering socialising#anyqay so they were like just go and someone will start a combersation#cannot express how much that doesnt work with me#and like i know people start combersations with them! hell ive seen people randomly talk to them on the bus#that simply does not happen to me
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Hearing about the way other people interact so easily makes me feel like there is something deeply wrong with me embedded into my soul
#personal#bpd#actually bpd#bpd vent#actually borderline#like oh its that easy for even people who tell me they arent social ever 😭#something has gotta be wrong. is it social anxiety? is it bpd? AM I AUTISTIC#I feel like I lowkey am sometimes based on early childhood experiences too#you could literally not get me to talk to anyone unless it was family for a really long time
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making a fandom post is so scary it's like. what if people see it
#not a reblog#i dont want to be caught playing with my dolls :(#more scared that it's stupid and people are gonna judge me for it or something#sigh i cant escape the social anxiety even when its on this godforsaken anonymous as hell website
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you can ignore this!
#so like i fully get the spirit behind the blockout and people should be blocking celebrities recreationally anyway#but something about it feels weird? off? perfomative? liberal? idk i just find it annoying for some reason#like the lists ive seen going around from people who arent palestinian are um#They're Lists!#but i also think trad celebrities: actors and singers#*dont think#will be as affected by this as influencer level new media celebrities#like even if you factor in streaming money its not that substantial of a revenue loss id imagine#idk idk you do you ill support palestine in other ways#i think a lot of the fuel for the action at least on tiktok comes from covid financial anxieties and not palestine#because it was so spurred on by the met gala#its like i think we may be replacing radical action with social media posturing#again im just ranting this just feels extremely online to me
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btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage
#and him trying to stop neil from asking if todd not reading at the meetings is okay isn’t him wanting not to go#its him not wanting neil to ask because (as someone with social anxiety) it’s EMBARRASSING ASF for someone to ask for things on your behalf#literally just think about it as the meme of ‘when i tell my friend im hungry and he tells his mom that *i* want food instead of both of us’#and the whole ‘neil not knowing how to take no for an answer’ thing…… dont get me fucking started#the kid who’s had to take no for an answer his whole life? the kid whose first proper scene IS him taking no for an answer? are you serious?#being encouraging and accommodating and (admittedly) a little pushy when he’s got his mind set on something—#—is NAWT the same as not being able to take no for an answer or bulldozing through conversations with people#he and todd DO listen to each other in those conversations theyre just on opposing sides—#—because their understandings of the world don’t fully align at that point in time/the movie#which is totally fucking normal?????? because later on they DO properly align?????????#i feel so crazy about this every time i see someone say todd didn’t want to go the dead poets meetings because it’s so obvious he DID#he was just scared#and you know what maybe it IS a little forceful#but given how dedicated todd is to shutting off and hating and isolating himself he NEEDS a little forceful to be broken through to#if no one ever pushed me to do things when i was scared (as irritated as it can make me) i’d never do SHIT dude#and obviously todd is the same way because he ALL BUT OUTRIGHT SAYS AS MUCH#‘i appreciate this concern but i’m not like you’ IS about neil’s voice and opinions mattering to people but it’s ALSO about—#—him being outgoing and trying new things and putting himself out there#WHICH TODD WANTS TO BE ABLE TO DO!!!!!!!!#the moral you take away from todds growth is NOT that he has to change to be accepted because he DOESNT#its that he has to gain the confidence and belief in himself to grow and become the version of himself he WANTS to be#he NEVER changes on a fundamental level to make others happy (although his growth does make others happy) he just opens up more#and i dont know WHY some people think his arc is becoming a completely different person#like yall PLEASE#this isnt even an anderperry thing this is an issue even if you read them completely platonic#i blame the FUCKASS novelization…. dps book you will always be hated by ME#dps#dead poets society#neil perry#todd anderson
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listening to ASMR again, WHY DO THEY KEEP KILLING OFF MY FAMILY??? WHAT DID THEY DO?? THEY COULD BE ALIVE? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT YOU JUST KILLED THEM OFF FOR FUN???
#radioislisteningtoasmragain#also sidenote getting REALLY into hero villain dynamics and I'm literally about to break out my villain oc and put her in a story here#i swear once I get over my weird social anxiety thingy I will BE UNSTOPPABLE#I WANNA BE ONE OF THOSE WRITERS WITH THE COOL OCS THAT PEOPLE LIKE RAAAAA AAA AA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A#SOMEDAY MY TUMBLR WRITING PIPE DREAMS WILL COME TRUE hopefully I gotta get my shit together soon because apparently I'M GOING TO COLLEGE???#the fact that I'm likely going to be a BUSINESS MAJOR SICKENS ME no offense to business majors but I have not heard good things#I'm taking my GED this year and then college next year i think but uh I'm shit at studying#I genuinely think something's wrong with me because WHY CAN'T I STUDY LIKE A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON#and I can't even ask for help because I SHOULD KNOW THIS BUT I DON'T#I'm smart I know I'm smart I just can't BE smart school wise anyways#aAA A A A A A A anyways enough with the tag rambling back to cleaning my room because it's starting to look like an episode of hoarders#and I need to snip that hoarder mindset in the BUD because its not healthy#I'm gonna take a nap after this
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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Ok so i was cockblocked from my character development by YouTube labeling the sonic x shadow generations teaser thing as for kids while I was finally stating my opinion on something in public. so I'm just gonna put my comment here, and instead of rewriting it for a different format or just posting the screenshots of my "conversation" with my friends here, I'll just copy and paste my insecure comment (its like the sparknotes of spark notes).
youtube
"It looks nice but i feel kirks voice doesn't properly portray shadows emotions which lessens much of the emotional impact for me, and I honestly don't think shadow would act the way he did here (specifically just the punching the ground part stuck out to me). I went long tirade just about shadow falling to the ground and punching it out of frustration in my friends group chat. I feel that shadow would have balled his fist to the point of pain, yes, but wouldn't punch the ground out of sadness or frustration. Shadow as he's portrayed in sa2 has me believing he's more the type to cry standing in place or do as dying pets do and hide away. I rewatched some of the cutscenes for shadow the hedgehog, sa2, sonic heros, and sonic 06 and I couldn't find an instance of shadow showing or venting his emotions in that way and even his losing animation in sa2 only has him looking down then up. He's prideful of his ability and really wishes to help so being unable to would seriously frustrate him but I feel they just got how he shows his feelings incorrect, punching is more a knuckles or hell even sonic thing.
It's kinda hard to rearticulate all the things I said to my friends, I have more to say I just don't know how to say it {:
All I was trying to say was shadow is an inherently emotional character that has a particular way of reacting to emotional stimuli that I feel they miss the mark on here and replaced with less character specific reactions. And I don't really like the vocal performance, but that's something I can deal with on my own in a multitude of ways."
#sonic fandom#sonic the hedgehog#sonic x shadow generations#dark beginnings#i finally worked up the courage to say my probably lukewarm take and EVEN THAT WAS TAKEN FROM ME#I sometimes argue with the people in my head to prepare myself for social situations but then it only leaves me tired and anxious#so my brain decides that the only way to avoid that is to never interact with others and then i repeat this overcand over again#my opinion doesn't even have to be a hot take and my brain will decide that its a net negative to even speak#hell somtimes it's a straight up fact and that'll happen maybe i should do something about my anxiety#Youtube
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ok there are flop posts and its like. ok maybe it was ahead of its time. maybe my genius is untapped. but commenting a one liner on a mutuals post and u dont get a laugh? you can never come back from that. just roll me into a ditch
#AND IF U CANT DELETE IT BEFORE THEY SEE IT U HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE SHAME#i was in the shower and i suddenly remembered smth very embarassing that i commented at 3AM months ago and wanted to die#i think i deleted it. i hope to god i deleted it i dont want that burned into someones memory. i dont even want it in MY memoery#if i add a funny tag and they so happen to call me out on it thats fine i love the dopamine rush when that happens actually. bc if they jus#never see it i can die in peace alright. and i can edit the tags for my own peace of mind. ITS OPTIONAL TO INTERACT WITH#but like the confidence that comes with adding something in the comments.right out in the open where everyone can see it#its like staring the devil right in the eye and taking a fat piss waiting for him to make the next move#SAME WITH SENDING AN ASK OFF ANON#maybe its the social anxiety and/or shyness. or maybe ppl just forget to respond bc.. i do that all the time... bleg#fully aware that im saying all of this on the 'we encourage user interaction that we invented new ways of interacting' site. but still#yapping
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here it is! the Valentine's Day blog special art thing!!! feat. Val
it took me forever to come up with a quote for this "card" and all I could think of was a pun.
alternate versions under the cut:
#tw guns#cw guns#????#its really cartoony but#just in case#oc / val#look i made a thing#i like to imagine that this is what Val's handwriting looks like#something unnecessarily fancy and swirly#without the context of Val being a twist on the Cupid concept the sniper rifle of a valentine's day card may be a bit concerning lmao#i dont know how to draw people holding guns#...yet#val will force me to learn lest i get shot. by the gun#im gonna say that val has social anxiety so sending a valentine's day card to somebody he likes would be really nerve-wracking for him#so. an excuse for why the quote is bland. HAHA TAKE THAT#val with social anxiety was alreadu in the works so the excuse makes EVEN MORE SENSE FOR HER CHARACTER#sans au#sans oc#undertale au
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This is a start, anyway. Lots of research and work ahead.
#still unsure what i can do when adhd brain doesnt let me do my hobbies in the little free time i have#but in the other hand if i can be sure that if i got a health insurance plan thru the ACA on the state market#that it would still cover me even if the ACA gets slashed - including thru the following enrollment period (that they wont be able to drop#me due to 'preexisting condition'. then i can leave my job and have a lot more time to be active and involved with this stuff.)#like I'm gonna do what i can anywY and I'm not gonna assume i cant do anything bc i have a strong motivation w this so adhd brain might be#chill w letting me do something#it feels like theres no time left tho but I'm trying to ignore that#but i just got my work schedule for Thanksgiving week and between the wk before and wk of I'm working 7 days straight. bc I'm dumb and#volunteered to be the one to work on Thanksgiving Day (why. bc i didnt want to make the 60+ yr old do 7+ days in a row or the 20-yr old.)#(shouldve asked if the kid was willing tho tbh. I'm gonna be burned tf out so badly.)#and i shouldve asked for the rest of the week off tbh but only got the 29th and 30th off. boo.#anyway abd then its december and we're gonna be busy busy with stupid Xmas stuff plants decor etc...#I'm just. worried I'll blink and itll be january.#but lets try lets do..something somehow#id like to find a way to squeeze the eye dr. vaccines. and dental extractions and healing time in before January#as well as getting involved in this stuff#and trying to overcome my intense social anxiety to do so#and looking into health insurance stuff#and RESTING too. need to do that. somehow.#but my whole November is booked now bc of work.#id love a 4 day workweek instead of 5 at least tbh but cant be floral specialist if I'm not full time amd cant stay on the insurance thru#work if I'm not fulltime either#and somehwere in the midst is...thanksgiving hah. and hanukkah which is Very important especially noe#now*#one story of hanukkah is of a small group fighting back against oppressors and succeeding#so.#idk where I'm going with this. but this day off is half over and.. i did this list thing yesterday actually but added to it today.#today ive also...devoured all current pages of a miraculous ladybug fancomic. put up one load of laundry. and opened the door#dor some fresh air and commection grounding etc..#i should call the eye dr guy so i can get a basic eye exam sooner than later and get new lenses ordered bc my glasses are at least 2 yrs ood
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i feel sad about not belonging anywhere and being small/invisible and like.. idk who i am
i feel really regretful of my life but idk what to do or how to change anything
or i mean i know what i need to do but i feel like i cant or im too scared .. and lately ive been frustrated with myself bc ive been experiencing that "trapped inside my head" feeling really intensely where idk how to speak to articulate thoughts and it feels painful
#ive been thinking a lot about getting a job i want a job so so so so bad but im so fuckig scared i seriously cant even describe how afraid#i feel like my social anxiety has gotten so bad over the past several years to the point that its unrecoverable ajd i need to#kill myself#i feel that way about everything wrong with me#ive just been stagnant for too long and its festered to a point of no returning#and like the worst thing about this is feeling like im on a time limit bc i need dental implants.#ive been wearing dentures for like 5 years now and already experienced a lot of bone loss in my face#i have to get dental implants for too much time passes without teeth but i need a lot of money for that i and i need to get a job to hav mo#ney but i cant get ajob because im too scared and incompetent#dude i want to kill myself so bad its unreal but i wont bc i couldnt do that to my mom#and i want to live.. because i like looking at beautiful things and listening to music and#talking to myself and imagining things#idk i wish i could cry or something but cant cry about anything
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i completely get the being too nervous/shocked to say hi to the drivers and things like that! i went to the toronto indy last weekend and i saw theo pourchaire THREE TIMES (and like very up-close too, he was literally walking past me) and was too shocked to say anything either of the times 😭 it's hard to explain but in the moment it's so difficult to go up to them!!
omg im so so glad im not the only one 😭😭 i cant help it, i just freeze!! like dino was walking right towards me yesterday and i just turned around? when i literally couldve spoken swedish with him????
#thank u so much for relating#thank u so much for sharing 🙏🙏 made me feel much better#idk i cant explain it#i just. freeze#but tbh i suffer from loads of social anxiety these days so i mean im not surprised#+ i even get performance anxiety like… wanting to say something funny to make them laugh and find me interesting#and then i compare myself to other ppl who have met them#like 'no he didnt laugh as much as he did with that other fan'#idk its all complicated#so id rather not exist at all in their world than exist and be awkward#asks!#anon!
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truly you have to participate in the compliment economy. random compliments are so rare but it's not because you don't deserve them! our discomfort with engaging with other people makes it so that only some people take the initiative to give compliments in the first place, and that's really only if there's something standout about the person they're complimenting. it doesn't have to be that way. get comfortable with telling people that you like their clothes or their hair or that they have nice eyes or a good smile or a pretty laugh or that you admire the way they carry themself or like their music taste or just that you think they're nice or smart or cool. put a little delight out into the world! once you've done that, it opens up similar dialogues bit by bit... and as a secret special bonus, when you tell someone something nice, they're often very happy to have a chance to tell you something nice in return :)
#sorry for being cringe i will always go out of my way to tell a stranger that i like their shirt.#if i'm not making pretty girls smile then literally what is even the point. and all girls are pretty girls#if i notice something i think is cool then i'm saying something.#god as my witness the nice things that i have to say will NOT stay in my head. putting them out in the world 🫡#and again i cannot emphasize enough that girls will get smiley and blush and giggle when you tell them nice things#which is far and away a reward of its own. i just think it's nice to make people feel nice...#if you see something say something. that's all i'm saying.#might make the guy out front of the ross blush and stop functioning when you tell him you like his hat#but a) he is probably not often exposed to a bunch of trans people walking by and someone in cat ears paying him a compliment#and b) he probably doesn't get complimented often!! and you have the power to change that. isn't that awesome#my thesis statement forever. you can just tell people when you like something about what they're doing in life.#i have gay people privilege so i can tell girls they're gorgeous without it being taken as creepy guy stuff#so. y'know. be aware. don't be a freak about it or put people in uncomfortable situations.#but you Can duck across the sidewalk rq to tell someone that you think their bag is cool or their shoes are nice or you like their outfit#it's free it's easy... and you'll never see them again most times so what could even be the harm...#get over your social anxiety by telling boys they have nice eyes it is going to free up your whole world /hj#valentine notes
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new status effect unlocked!
you are now experiencing
✨ domesticated seasickness ✨
from: Using New VR Headset + ‘VRchat’ application
duration: ????
“it would have been cheaper to go on a real boat tbh”
#i don’t even GET seasick on real boats i’ve been on lots of them aauuurggh?#ik vr sickness is something you can train yourself to get used to mostly and ik it will be fine in the end but woaauugh#me trying to fix my fucked up social anxiety that snowballed into Bad (tm) by microdosing being around other people with VR#and just discovering a new way to make myself feel blehhhh#it’s still good tho!! im fine in the lobby area of my headset and watching youtube videos and stuff#i think its just the joystick movement whilst no actual movement#that makes my brain forget the thing 10 minutes earlier where i put a headset on#and freak out#notscene.txt#ash.txt#vrchat
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turns out the manager i was scared shitless hated me doesnt hate me im just an idiot who doesnt understand social interactions
#turns out if you dont know how to talk to people unless they want you to do something you dont understand how people feel about you#in my defence how are you suppose to talk to anyone let alone a manager who you know nothing about and who hasnt talked to you first#okay seriously i mean this so seriously i can do phone calls i can do Anything its not social anxiety i just dont ! get people#guy (me) projecting his conplete unwillingness to label people as 'friends' or even 'nice associates' if they dont do so first onto others#maybe im also a little stressed about thos for other reasons i shant disclose thats for the mirror to have to listen to later#guy (me) who treats himself like such a nonentity that hes shocked when people consider her a human person who they know#turns out i exist and people know i exist and remember my name and shit (wild concept)
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