#again im just ranting this just feels extremely online to me

[afro-elf]

you can ignore this!

[southofeerie]

modern west wing social media hcs

i feel like charlie would have the most normal social media acct and following, like maybe an instagram where he posts pictures of himself (mostly for family), and like a twitter where he occasionally retweets his friends or bartlet. he likes making fun of other people (especially senior staff) for being too stuck to their devices, and a large online presence would take away that ability

CJ’s twitter is less incendiary than she’d like, since she’s the face of the bartlet administration, and so a lot of it is discussing policy or clarifying briefings. she does retweet a lot of good edu sites or interesting articles she finds. she herself trends a lot, she’s pretty famous online as a political icon ala AOC or bernie sanders, and she gets a lot of edits made online from press conferences (which she enjoys bragging abt to the other staff, while making fun of them for being out-of-touch). CJ also has a private instagram that hogan had her make, but she only posts extremely blurry pictures of coffee and her goldfish with captions like “hogan said to post to remind people that im alive”. toby always replies with “sending the pictures to MOMA. breathtaking” and danny replies with “breaking news. press secretary reveals she is still alive. more at 7”.

leo does not have social media because he still has a flip phone and a brick laptop. he says he prefers hearing bad news out loud or reading it on physical paper, but really, he just can’t figure out how to work it. im talking types “google” into google, then types “hello find me a map of the united states of america” in the search bar. margaret tried to help but seeing him type google into google physically pained her

josh is banned from twitter (after he pissed off three midwestern states, basket weavers, and most hollywood producers in the first week in office). cj regularly checks to make sure he hasn’t made a new account. he has a public instagram, but cj looks over captions before he posts (he once tried to ask the president for permission to get a new account but the president sided with cj). most of his posts are about encouraging people to vote or be more politically active. he is also not allowed to reply to comments on the instagram, so he reads them out loud in a mocking voice to donna. unbeknownst to him, there is a white house deputy chief of staff twitter page run by donna (with cj’s permission) that discusses white house initiatives and shares fun anecdotes abt day to day work. anytime someone tells josh they love his twitter account he assumes they mean instagram, and nobody tells him until bartlet is two years out of office

donna, like charlie, has an instagram mostly for her family back home, but also has a twitter where she talks about tv shows she likes and her hobbies, that has a decent following. she might have a tumblr but again it would be abt tv shows and hobbies she has

toby is on goodreads and instagram (but only to leave sarcastic comments on his friends’ posts). he hates twitter’s word count limit and how it’s owned by elon musk, and rants abt it often. he leaves lengthy reviews on any political commentary article in the comments section. this has been brought up in the briefing room, to the point where cj has a recording of herself saying “toby ziegler’s online rants are not indicative of president bartlet’s views. if you have any questions please direct them to ziegler himself”

president bartlet has facebook </3. there’s a white house twitter page run by an intern, but he’s not involved with that. he posts fun facts about national parks or ancient latin novels, but each fact starts with something like “joshua lyman, 🧍‍♂️deputy chief of staff, 🇺🇸doesn’t understand the true beauty of yellowstone national park 🙄🏞🏜🤦‍♂️”. most people think it’s a parody account and cj doesn’t want to correct them

abbey does not have facebook, despite her husbands insistence that it’s better than twitter. on the rare occasions she uses her account it’s mostly to discuss important medical breakthroughs and her daughter’s work

sam has a really popular instagram, where he posts selfies and pretty pictures of the white house and captions like “having a great day at work today!” or “white house at sunset.. gorgeous”. he posts on his story a lot, and comes off as very relatable to the public. he’s cj’s dream social media user

will bailey runs campaign social medias pretty well but his own twitter account is mostly for promoting the campaigns. occasionally he retweets stuff his friends post, or tweets out funny jokes he hears.

margaret is tumblr famous, but never posts abt her job. her posts regularly wind up on other sites. she hasn’t told anybody and doesn’t plan to

[barbatusart]

Apologizing beforehand for the rant, sorry I just read Rotten, and I thought you should know I feel... Touched? Understood? Our experiences definitely aren't the same in like- the slightest! I'm 19 now, and didn't grow up with web 1.5 (There's still horrific shit online ofc, and a lot of the weird shock stuff has persisted- I remember being on the bus in middleschool and sitting with the highschool kids and they'd be tossing around their iPhone whatevers with the classic ol' images/videos; 1 man 1 jar, bluewaffle, I think Mr. Hands was shown to me at some point? But never anything like the Funkytown video or, you know, anything with corpses) but I've still had this weird unhealthy relationship with death/gore. I won't get into it too much but I've really hated myself for that weird numbness/desensitization I've felt, and that ending bit where you just... Put into words how that's affected you felt great. I felt seen. It's just good to know you aren't alone, y'know? Anyways I just wanted to gush about your work. I read your Cazador Backstory Comic and then Attack Dog and I'm really just trying to absorb all the art from you (and Meanboss!!! I'm gonna read Sad Sack and Sortie eventually promise) that my budget will allow! Sorry again for the rambling I have classes in like 5 hours and should really sleep but I'm coming off that spring break high and it's not going great so. Love be unto ye. Continue making cool stuff. It really rocks.

absolutely honored & humbled by this message, i left it in the inbox for a couple days cus i had to sit and think on it for a bit.

thank you tremendously for your words 🙏🏻 the internet is still a horrible wild west, but im genuinely relieved to hear that the popularity of “shock videos” that us millennials had to go through has been decreasing. i will admit ive always been worried for genZ & alpha in that regard, so im always really happy to hear that the worst of it has been rejected by younger people for the most part - outliers here & there sure but nobody should be be watching that stuff young or old imo.

and thank you so much for your interest in our other work! i will say, Please take the content warnings on SAD SACK and SORTIE very seriously - sads in particular is an angry & hyperviolent work, so we did our best to make as thorough of a list of content warnings as possible so people signing up for the thrill ride know exactly what to expect. all the same, it’s heavy & is (and i cant stress this enough) an Extremely angry piece - if the CW list seems like it’s going to be too much, by all means please save your money!!!

[minnie-shifts]

i’ve never posted on here before (and honestly probably never will again) but i kinda need to rant to someone, so why not send it off to the black hole of tumblr?

so i’m a reality shifter, but like… very inexperienced. i have minishifted once, to the maze runner but that was back in 2020/21… anyways i started to make more serious attempts probably around november 2023.

i have been extremely close to shifting before hearing sounds, seeing light etc. but never actually shifted (besides tmr).

where im getting to is… i think i shifted here? before, i couldn’t really understand why someone might come to my reality (my … or ig? it’s basically the same as here), but i get it now. I shifted here on accident.

i saw a post on here last night, i can’t really remember what was said but someone shifted a few times under the premise of “there’s a 50% chance that i’ll go to *insert place* and there’s a 50% that i’ll go to a reality similar to this”. (i forgot what post i saw, but i was really inspired by it lol).

i ended up giving it ago, affirming that there’s a 50% chance i’ll end up in one of my drs but there’s also a 50% that i’ll shift to a reality similar to my own (i was also motivated because i have assessments i don’t wanna do lol)

i didn’t really do a method, i only focused on my breathing and that affirmation then rolled over and went to bed. (which is strange, i’m an awake method girly yk?)

anywho, morning comes around and i go about my day as normal. though, i found that i look.. bigger? like i have gained a bit of weight and my voice is slightly deeper. i also just have this underlying feeling in my gut that something has changed.

like normally when i have a ‘failed’ attempt i try to convince myself i actually shifted to a reality exactly the same but not this time. i’m actually trying to convince myself i didn’t shift, which just.. seems so impossible. my gut is telling me i shifted. my whole body feels out of place.

NOTE: i also seem more.. confident? i randomly cut my own bangs (never wanted to do that), and im posting on here?? (i have severe online anxiety 😭)

i doubt that anyone is reading BUT if there is someone, i’ll try to shorten this up :)

so, fast forward about… almost three hours ago? i went to my sister’s room and told her about how i might of shifted here. for context, my sister is also a shifter (she’s probably shifted maybe 4-5 times?) and the person i tell everything too.

we start to ask each other questions. everything is starting to add up until we started talking about shifting. i mentioned that she has a ZB1 dr (a kpop group) where her s/o is Jungwon and i swear by this. she like leans back confusedly and goes “minn, i’ve never even thought about a ZB1 dr.. or Jungwon being my s/o, Heeseung’s my bias”.

I sit there in shock, this was the first indicator that something is up. I ask her about SVT (my fav kpop group), she says her bias is Jeonghan and my bias is Vernon (wrong btw, my bias is Woozi and her bias is china line like???).

My sister and i are really close, especially around shifting. so i started asking her about her shifting experience. THENN i started talking about an inside joke we have from a dr she has… she had no clue what i was talking about. Which is fucking crazy because we mention it ALL THE TIME!!! even out of shifting or non-kpop related stuff like???

i dunno what the purpose of this is. if you read this, thank you :) i’m feeling kind of weird, coming to terms that i actually left my original reality. i think i might try to shift to my main dr after i post this.

i guess i’m kinda missing my sister even though she’s in a different room lol or technically across the multiverse?? i dunno

[electricpurrs]

aaaaagh im so upset. i dont want people to leave. i dont want my mutuals and friends to leave. i dont want the artists i like to leave. i dont want to leave but i dont want to be here alone. ive been here for 6 years and everything ive made and liked is here. all the people i care about the most, the only place ive ever made any friends or found any comfort or community. its so extremely overdramatic of me but i feel continuosly more and more anxious like losing tumblr would be losing part of myself. and i know its like this for me because its all that i have. when my real life is horrible and empty and lonely and i dont have any friends or know any other queer people and stay online too much because have nowhere to go or nothing to do, i assumed tumblr would just be the one and only stable thing i had. now im worried anytime a mutual might move to another site ive never heard of and ill never see them again, or if its over ill myself have to move to 46 other sites and start it all over again from zero and i knowwwwww thats also an overdramatic problem to have but for me i keep getting anxious and distressed like im losing everything forever. i just wish one thing would stay fine for a moment yknow. i just wish i could have something to hold on to. okay rant is over sorry ive been feeling like shit

[mangoposts]

OK STAWP i’m the one who posted the alahna rant and i saw someone say they hated madi , i didn’t know if i was safe here BUT

by no means do i hate or dislike her BUT I DO THINK that girl is too serious sometimes like

like also her online presence too becoming so mysterious and stuff like i get that she wants privacy but alahna is just like so raw and real like I JUST LOVE HER

idk in the vids w madi the vibes aren’t 💯 (they’re still good vids but) like that’s what i was trying to say in a very nice way like with alahna it just seems so much more fun like u guys just DONT GET ITT

like pls the alahna vids are soo chill and natural and i feel like with madi it’s kinda (forced isn’t the right word but i can’t think of anything else) like yes they’re close friends but like

i really don’t know how to explain it it’s like the way they act with each other?? and i’m aware we’ve only seen what’s on camera and we have no idea what happens behind the scenes but i’m just comparing the on camera relationships

i could talk about this for days but like with alahna, the friendship was so like comfortable like the type of friendship where they would like swear at each ither and call each other names and stuff (as close friends do like u know they’re not being fr), but then with madi it just looks more surface level (again i’m not saying they’re not close but LIKE ITS SOO DIFFERENT) like they’re just nicer? or being more like refrained

i hope this makes sense i’m trying so hard to put my thoughts into words😭😭

Idk i think Nick is extremely close with Madi it’s just not put online as much, he talks about her in podcasts all the time, knows everything about her, has a matching tattoo with her, has her photo framed in his bedroom. Like definitely they have a real genuine friendship, he does pick on her and try to play with her a lot as well. But that’s just Nick, i know Chris and Matt also like Madi and i feel like it’s because they know they can trust her. But obviously they aren’t as close with her the way Nick is. Definitely they were ALL closer with alahna and their relationship was much different since they were kids and they spent more time growing up together. But i do think Nick is almost equally as close to Madi the way he was alahna.

A part of me feels like they’re not trying to make the same mistakes of the past by putting too much of their friendships online, since that’s probably the main reason of what drove them and alahna apart and they don’t want history to repeat itself 🤷🏻‍♀️ Im not sure, im not Madi’s fan or anything but i just don’t think the idea of Nick/the boys not being close with her is true

[terraliensvent]

multiple ppl close to kinah were able to verify that they were in the hospital recovering when the attempt happened. all of those ppl could not collab and lie so one person could get “extra attention” in ur words. Im frustrated with terra staff aswell but that doesn’t mean its ok now to call someones suicide attempt fake so ur feelings seem more valid. I find that extremely sickening. U have zero evidence or good reason for doubt or else u would have vented about it already. all u have is ur feefees. u do need therapy. And mod pls stop validating baseless speculation on smth so serious. what happened 2 people needing proof for claims like this

alright yeah im deleting kinah asks now

first off i dont think that people should just believe whatever they read on the internet, because you dont know who these people are irl. again, thats not to say that you shouldnt give support where you can or that you should make public callouts saying that it was all fake when you dont know for sure, BUT at the same time theres a level of speculation regardless because its the fucking internet. people are wild, people are strangers, and there is a non zero chance that people could have lied. just because people have a level of speculation on something they read online, that doesnt mean they need therapy and it doesnt mean theyre a bad person, it means they have a brain. if YOU want to believe it without a shadow of a doubt then thats fine, and if other people have some doubt thats also fine, just dont go out of your way to fucking bother people because thats just unnecessary.

second off, i need proof for accusations like “so and so is posting feral” or “so and so is an abuser,” saying things like “the way that kinah bounced back into cs makes me speculate” isnt an accusation.

the views of the anons i post here arent reflective of my own views, and if something is a problem i give my own input on it in my response. when i created this blog i didnt want to delete asks because i feel like that controls a narrative and makes me an unreliable narrator when it comes to these discussions. if people want to talk about things like this, i didnt want to force silence because thats not how you hold a discussion.

as an additional note: anons have been becoming increasingly aggressive in my inbox, whether its towards one another or towards myself. i implore all of you to stop being so aggressive, stop making assumptions, and stop playing this holier than thou card. so much of the art and cs community is made up of people who will virtue signal and place themselves on a moral pedestal and my inbox is the last place for that. if you want to rant and complain, go ahead, but stop acting like youre better than each other because you have the Correct Opinion on everything and believe everything you read on the internet.

my final thoughts on this are as follows: there is a non zero chance that everyone is lying. is it a small chance? sure. does this mean we should spread the narrative that it was all fake? no. are you a horrible person who should die in a fire because you dont 100 percent believe that the attempts were real? no, but also dont go out of your way to be an asshole because of that belief. i think we should all publicly operate under the assumption that the attempts were real. if you want to privately speculate, go fucking wild. could kinah going back into cs and making stuff for terras possibly be bad for their mental health? maybe. but also, its none of our business. and thats what im ending this topic with, a lot of this shit really is just none of our business and i think you all give way too much of a fuck about someone who you will never know irl.

i dont dislike kinah, in fact i actually really liked them when they were on staff for terras. but at some point we all gotta throw our arms up and say why is this taking up so much of my brain power when this person is just someone i follow on fucking toyhouse.

we are done with asks about kinahs attempt now, unless anyone has important info or something new to say im deleting them.

[jiraikwei]

pet peeve

sorry this post just turns into insane ranting garble i start sounding like im 12 , theres nothing of substance to read

this is something insanely stupid and even hypocritical of me to get annoyed at , but i absolutely cannot stand it when people online pretend like they're more mentally ill than they are . i hate when people put some sort of mental illness wordsalad in their bios like ' jirai ' , ' landmine girl ' , ' menhera ' i hate when people obviously try to act like ame / kangel after playing NSO or some other fictional character when they were absolutely nothing like them before . they practically brag about being mentally ill and then only showcase the same 5 symptoms that are insanely fetishized and none of the 100 others that aren't as ' cute ' . it makes me lose my mind . it feels like such a disgusting mockery it makes me want to rip my skin open . i cant stand even imagining anyone could see these shitty obvious yandere larp posts and put op on the same level as someone whos actually struggling . just this unbridled rage festers inside of me you dont know what its like stop fucking quoting anime characters so you can achieve some aesthetic go fuck yourself

i hate it because i hate myself and i hate the things i do , witnessing someone grift on the KAWAII DESU symptoms while im on a private twitter account typing the most disgusting unforgivable things i can possibly conjure up about the people i love because of how angry i feel over something so idiotically , stupidly minuscule like an actual fucking child . i cant make a single friend in my life because im genuinely so terrified of people and their intentions with me that when i somehow make a friend i genuinely think that they're only playing some long con because they want to ruin my life . im so lonely but i legitimately cannot handle having friends because they can say ANYTHING and my mind will twist it to some insane act of pure hatred against me and then my hands are shaking and i cant focus on anything for the next few hours and i cant stop crying and cutting myself and im planning extensively how to tell them i cant be friends with them because i just cant take it anymore and oh nevermind suddenly im fine again . but at the same time if someones too nice all the time my fucking brain will start losing interest in them because apparently i NEED them to pull away from me and be a fucking asshole to me because im some sort of insane emotional masochist !!! i cant speak my mind with anyone even if they're obviously in the wrong and being mean to me when ive done nothing because i just know they're going to leave if i reciprocate with any sort of pushback so i just ghost them instead which makes the situation even more complicated or i have some sort of tantrum where i accuse them of the most schizotypal shit instead of actually discussing it like a normal person . its actually indescribable how embarassing it is to retain that " my parents didnt buy me candy so they hate me " mindset from when i was 8 years old all the way until 15 . and everything with me has to be some sort of extreme . i cant even like something normally i have to be obsessed with it to an emotionally deteriorating degree . i cant feel somewhat bad about something it had to feel like my world is ending and that ill never be happy again . why am i fucking feeling like this because of the sub count of a VTUBER . and then all of life is just a cycle of yearning for shit and feeling bad for myself " why cant i do this why cant i be better at this you can either be bad or a prodigy and im not a prodigy and i dont care if im 15 i need to be better than 28 year olds at this or else im a total fucking failure " and i fucking bet you if i would ever reach that prodigy status i would feel absolutely nothing about it and my brain would latch unto the next thing to feel bad about " ok well im not good at * that * i need to be good at * that * it doesnt matter if im good at * this * anyone can be good at * this * i need to be good as * that * as well " . it is legitimately either all or nothing with me and i cant stand either of those options . i hate feeling empty and i hate being obsessed with someone to the point of emotional spiraling 5 times a day but there can never be an inbetween option . im intensely angry about everything

and the most insanely retarded part about all of this , is that given the choice i wouldnt want to get better . this is all that i am . i am nothing without this disorder . if i dont have this disorder nobody will care about me or be gentle with me anymore . i will forever mentally be a child that only wants someone to take care of them and if i dont have this disorder there will be nothing to take care of . nobody will care . but heres the kicker ; nobody cares already . strangers are gentle with me because i have a sad look in my eyes but thats all there is . i just cant bring myself to actually talk about what i go through . all anyone sees is that im energetic and then suddenly sad within an single second interval or that i just stare ahead at shit like a zoo animal or that i cut myself sometimes . i cant even fully bring up and elaborate on extremely heavy topics that i go through on twitter or on this blog because it feels so wrong to imagine someone connecting something as dark as that with * me * . i want attention but i dont talk about shit . i dont want to talk about shit . i already utterly despise seeing the look people get in their faces when they somehow catch a glimpse at my sh scars or for gods sake fucking mentions it to me " dont do that to yourself " please dont worry about me and make me feel like a horrible burden when im trying my hardest to seem okay so i can be an enjoyable person to be around . having a person worried about someone as disgustingly rotted , parasitic and inhuman as me is the worst thing to inflect on someone , its like feeling bad for a dying cockroach . i mean just read the first part of this ramble to see how shitty of a person i am where i exaggerate my symptoms to make myself look like i suffer more than other people and put down anyone who dares to express their symptoms differently

[bun-latte]

Im going to be honest here...i dont like when people have characters from horror games or unsettling creatures/art in their "DNI" banners at the bottom of agere posts.

Rant below

I understand that the "horror" genre of video games (and subsequently other media) has ... weirdly been glommed onto by kids who grew up when this became popular amongst youtubers (I'm talking specifically about FNAF).

It was never intended for children, but when children showed interest, they started to make merchandise for kids, bc, well, kids are extremely profitable bc theyre good at asking their parents for things repeatedly, and spreading the word to their friends and interacting with the IP online.

To make things clear: i do not fault people who grew up in that era for liking, enjoying, or finding comfort in horror games like FNAF.

However, it really does put me off and make me block more people than id like, when going thru the agere tag and seeing these characters...*who canonically ATE children* ...."protect" the blog from "unpleasant people."

I get it, like, everyone develops differently and everyone attatches to certain characters, but sometimes i really wish that characters from well known games where children (have somewhat become) the target audience AND (in game) victims...weren't plastered all over random moodboard posts.

I guess i just feel old? And im not here to police what you do -- this is ur blog, ur interests, ur internet space. But i personally find horror genre games to be...scary. not comforting, not quirky, not fun. So seeing them on every single one of someones posts (this is not a vague, im too old to be doing dumb shit like that) just. It pulls me out of agere space bc now im scared.

Im definitely not saying we all need to have dni banners that have barney and blues clues on them, but I just wish...there were other forms of media we could collectively agree on is good for kid friendly spaces. Just bc you dont have images of gore on ur posts...having a dni banner (against gore ironically) with a animatronic that *eats kids* sort of...brings up the mental image of just that.

Im not here to yell at anyone, im not here to police, and i definitely above all else, dont want to censor things to make them more palatable for just me and only me, but its just. Its frustrating. Ill be happily looking at stuff in the tag, see a FNAF character and then be spooked again.

I think this COULD be solved by tagging know horror game characters in the actual tags of the post? I do have the FNAF tag blocked amongst other things, but then I worry people would be upset when the post content does not contain fnaf, just in the DNI banner.

Sigh, anyway sorry, vent over.

[87435678753256732]

Feb 2023

helo!!! we are 3 months into 2023, and wow has it been a ride. the last time i posted, i had been broken up with and was processing the grief. i wanted to reflect on that a little more before i update you on the next things that have happened.

januarys retrograde sucked! or at least that’s what i thought at the moment. i am SO happy things happened the way they did, and that i was let go instead of staying in an awkward relationship that i convinced myself could somehow work. let me list the weird things i now am happy i left behind. 1. lack of sexual discipline. i’m all about sexual positivity, but there is definitely a line that cannot be crossed. fantasizing about weird sexual topics (incest?!) is fucking weird. 2. unrealistic goals. i’m all about supporting people, and i understand that not everyone has similar career timelines, but having unrealistic goals for yourself with things you aren’t even good at was a bit painful to see. i was the funny one basically. 3. couldn’t make me cum. okay, selfish some might say, but damn! couldn’t at least pick up a book or something? 4. mom. okay, your mom was hot and i’ll miss her. you had a terrible relationship with her which should have been a red flag. especially when you physically let out your anger. that’s the list so far that i can think of. basically, i did charity work. i’m not entirely bad bc i got to learn so much about myself and others during this short period of time. my mom asked what happened. i told her things were off, and our personalities weren’t a good match. i’m embarrassed that i brought him over for christmas, especially when he did nothing but complain about the food and games we played with my family. the gift he told me he didn’t even pick out, then later blamed the effort put on my birthday instead. what the fuck? lmao. my mom believes i was used for my body, and warned me to not let other men easily let me give myself up again. i can tell she really didn’t like him, i would’ve appreciate a heads up or something. my best friend also shared similar sentiment. her first issue was when he asked me about having an open relationship, something i would never imagine myself doing as a strictly monogamous person, which i let him know. i believe the desire to explore sexually also let to the breakup, which would make more sense than blaming my physical appearance. an introvert and extrovert aren’t a good “opposites attract” story like people say. anyways, it’s march and things have been awesome. but first let me talk about February.

on the second half of january, i focused on reflecting and healing. i had my therapy sessions and rants with online friends about the issue. their validation helped me tremendously. i will admit that it was easy for me to move on so quickly because i 1. convinced myself to like this person, even as a friend and 2. i didn’t allow myself to fall in love with them. my gut feeling did NOT let me, which im extremely grateful for now that i look back. the negative traits outshined the positive. the main obstacle i was getting past was the attachment, for example, no longer having someone to check in on.

in february, i sat with the idea of possibly dating again, even if it was just for casual hookups. i mentioned this in a jokingly way to my best friend, and she suggested that i download hinge. i decided to download it in the beginning of february, and set up my profile the first day. i had previously known about the number of men that outnumber women, so i was aware that i might have an influx of folks. and i was right! i met some people that were fun to talk to, but things didn’t go anywhere. and i met others that felt like i was talking at a job interview, asking them questions without them asking any questions about me. i went on my first hinge date feb 10 i believe, and it wasn’t as terrible as i thought it could be. the guy pulled up in a cowboy fit, which was interesting. possibly going through a manic episode. he paid for our food, which i insisted on helping with, and didn’t suggest doing anything sexual which was pretty nice of him. i wouldn’t have minded it, but it was also interesting to see what religious ppl do instead of hooking up. we stopped talking about three days after the date, mostly bc of his inconsistency and lack of desire to go on a second date (yet wanted to keep texting?) i told my best friend we’d hop on and start swiping again on monday. from monday to wednesday, i focused on ppl that had sent me likes instead of sending them myself. priority shipping if you will. there were def some interesting characters in the mix. i will admit that i focused more on people that replied to my prompts, as we’d have something to talk about. on monday i swiped on a guy that questioned the mcdonald’s rewards system, which i was suspicious about. from mom-wed, i kept up with the conversations i had (around 5?) but noticed only one stood out, one person that kept up with my dumb shit. he asked me out on a date tht wednesday, and we went with the bit and went to mcdonalds. i drove to the location and arrived about 10 minutes after leaving home. i was nervous, mainly bc all this guys pics looked kind of different, but fuck it. i parked and called, and his voice as HOT AS FUCK. a teardrop fell down my ear but i knew i couldn’t let my horniness succumb my ability to form a relationship. pulled up, and HOLY FUCK this guy was cute/hot/handsome/WOW. first thing i thought was holy shit, his pics didn’t do him justice (but hey, that means more fer me). we get our food and talk for about an hour. our date last around 3-4 hours, and then we go inside his car bc it was really windy and cold outside. there, we do more talking and find out more things about ourselves. he told me about a person he had recently ended things with due to various reasons, and i stood there wide eyed as i realized i would be nothing like that person. as we talk more, he ask for a kiss, and my whore brain automatically turns on and goes YIPPEE! but i act cool 😎 and lean in. WOAH was it hot. we pull away, look at eachother, and then do some more kissing. i stop to laugh because we’re literally still at the mcdonald’s parking lot. i ask if maybe we could take the car elsewhere, and he mentions he could take us back to his place. WOWOWJWPWAHJ instant gushing from my coochie. i was so sex deprived and borderline desperate that i eagerly agreed. my sex drive is high, which i mentioned, and he told me his was too. typical for a man, heh. fast forward, we hook up and dudes pussy whipped. pulled out the old tricks in the book and wowed him. he asked what my bc was, since apparently i seemed seasoned. i told him, and asked what his was. double digits?! HARLOT! but guy laid pipe really fucking good so i guess i’m glad i got to meet the seasoned veteran. so this was in february (2/22) angels numbers, woaaaa

about three days after we see each other, he tells me that he plans on deleting binge, and that he likes me. i’m like WOWIE, tht was fast. ff to 2/26, and i ask if he’d like to be in a relationship with me, to which he quickly replies “yes” to. waooo. i will have to make a second post for march, keep ya updated!

[dykeza]

FILENAME: I despise thee, who holds thine heart within his fist.

NOTES: ITS FINALLY DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS DONE ITS OVER WITH GODLESS ANIMAL/DARLING ADORED/I DESPISE THEE YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my GOD, ive tried to conceptualize this piece for WEEKS, i actually planned on posting it aishin -> urazen -> urashin BUT i cannot help myself i had to give the people (me and the other urashin enjoyers) something to chew on. Originally, this piece wasn't supposed to look like this At All it was supposed to be much more..... idk, boring. It looked boring and had too much going on (RIP rope you shall not be missed).

Then, one night recently, I was like "what if it was a hug." because WHAT IF it was a HUG. This composition feels much more on par w/ this series, extremely close glimpses of saints and tragedy holding each other close, studying and committing the moment to memory. Just in case.

But back to this piece solely, I knew in my second concept (which i didnt post) that i wanted to incorporate the cross seals from Godless Animal, both as a "fuck you get sealed" and also as a catalyst for being completely and totally Enraptured with someone. The slight difference is of course Kisuke stabbing himself And Aizen, which is mostly just symbolism about how much Kisuke devalues and objectifies himself. He is not a person, a victim of circumstance; he is a defective shield, something rusted and shattering at the slightest strain, and he has failed to do his job. I covered Aizen's face because i didnt want to draw it, tbfh..... but it can also be a callback to Shinji's mask in the other two pieces. ONE THING, however, that i'm v proud of is the hogyoku (im on desktop so excuse my no-accent writing), as it stands in for the halos/suns found in the other pieces. Nothing about two-way subjugation and submission is holy, this piece is not one of silent dissection (godless animal), and not one of blind reverence (darling adored). Its one of desperation and Apology. Idk. its the last installation so im a little sentimental HAHAHHA.

Working on these pieces, conceptualizing new ways to consume and create these characters was so fun. I had so much fun creating these works without really talking about them or their process, simply creating and putting out little subsections of my art. I don't work digitally very often, and i dont use color (besides hues of gray) in my traditional work, so when i get the chance i really try to exercise my color theory brain. Rose x Kanaya colors, im not sorry. goth Freudian-slip girl to aizen enjoyer pipeline is REAL and i am a victim of it.

Genuinely, thank you for all the notes and comments on my other pieces, both from this collection and just towards my art and writing in general. I get so excited to read all of your comments and notes and reblogs, it does so much for my drive to create. If it weren't for some close friends and mutuals, I don't know if I'd even post my work online for anyone except myself and the..... lemme check......... ONE THOUSAND AND FIFTY-THREE OF YOU WHO FOLLOW ME. what the FUCK. Anyways, this rant is getting too long and i have GOTTTT to post this soon so i can acquire sweet sweet sweet compliments on it tbh. I love you all and again thank you <3 - DYKEZA

[verymuchimmortalcat]

Maribat March Day 4: Internet Friends

ao3

@maribatmarch-2k21 

Marinette looked up from her phone as she heard a notification go off on her laptop. She had just finished posting the pictures from the photo shoot for her first official line. After years of making items for mainly Jagged Stone and Clara Nightingale, she had released her first line under the pseudonym of MDC at the age of 17, a year after Hawkmoth’s defeat. One message from Arrow Girl, it was a message from Cissie, which given that she had just released a new line wasn’t that surprising it just meant that Cissie had stayed up past midnight again. It should be around 3 am for her right now. Opening the message, she laughs.

Arrow Girl: HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW MDC LINE, M????????

ITS SOOO PRETTY

WHO AM I KIDDING YOU LIVE IN PARIS AND WANNA BE A DESIGNER YOU’VE DEFINITELY SEEN IT ALREADY

So, yeah Cissie didn’t know she was MDC and sue her, Marinette found it funny how Cissie ranted about her designs to her. It’s not like Cissie didn’t laugh when Marinette obsessed over the costumes on TV and the people wearing them.

Designs&Coffee: Ya, I did

Which one’s your favourite piece?

Arrow Girl: The second one

It’s a master piece

Designs&Coffee: I love that one the most too!!!!!

That was true, the only thing Cissie didn’t know was that she designed that piece.

“Marinette, Adrien’s here,” her mother called suddenly.

“Coming Maman,” she replied.

Designs&Coffee: I’ve got to go, my mom’s calling

Talk later. You should sleep.

Arrow Girl: Says the girl with Coffee in her username

Bye.

Closing her laptop, Marinette headed downstairs, grabbing the Black Cat miraculous on her way. Adrien visited from London once a month but he had left behind his miraculous saying that he’d rather put it all behind with everything his father did. But both him and Plagg missed each other so Plagg came along on their monthly visits. Marinette still wore her earrings and Tikki went with her everywhere but she was more of a pocket best friend at this point then a pocket goddess who gave her the ability to become a superhero. Both Cat Noir and Ladybug had retired after Hawkmoth, they dealt with a miraculous threat and if another arose, they’d be there to help, but for right now the two of them were focusing on their goals and dreams outside superheroing. That was actually how she had ended up talking to Cissie, some random person had started questioning young heroes retiring online, and Cissie and Marinette had both jumped to the defence and they had just continued talking. That had been about six months ago. Now, they spoke almost every day.

Marinette hugged Adrien as soon as she saw him, calling out a bye to her parents she dragged him out of the bakery and they headed to the park. They had a few hours to catch up before they had to meet Alya and Nino.

.oOo.

A week or so later, Cissie was stuck in the makeup chair when she heard the notification that she had set for M’s messages go off.

Designs&Coffee: DID YOU KNOW THERE’S A NEW CISSIE KING-JONES MOVIE COMING OUT IN A FEW MONTHS.

IM SO FREAKING EXCITED

Arrow Girl: I could tell.

Designs&Coffee: I feel like you should be more excited.

ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING ACTRESSESS WHO SHARES A NAME WITH YOU IS STARRING IN A MOVIE

Sometimes, Cissie wondered how M didn’t figure it out. Her username was Arrow girl, she knew her first name was Cissie and M knew that she was working in the movie industry. But then M treated her like a normal human being and not like those other fans and Cissie really didn’t want that to change that at first, she knew now that she would not treat her differently but Cissie had no idea how to go about telling her that I’m the actress you fangirl about.

However, before she could reply to M she was called so they could start shooting. Telling her that she had to go, she’d talk later and that she should take her own advice about sleep, she rushes out onto set.

.oOo.

A few months later, Cissie’s agent gets her an audition for a period drama set in the 1800s when women walked around with corsets and large skirts and Cissie for some reason agreed to audition. So, she auditioned and got the part. The first week on set was just them going over the beginning measurements for the costumes and other things like that. When she asked the director, who was going to be designing the costumes, he said that it was a rather high-profile designer who would be arriving in L.A. next week. That confused Cissie, this movie wasn’t that much of a big deal that they got a high-profile designer. She decided to ask the assistant director who seemed to be a boy around her age, so maybe seventeen or eighteen, who seemed to be always wearing a cap and headphones.

She went ahead and introduced herself to him, holding out her hand and saying, “Hi! I’m Cissie King-Jones.”

He laughed and shook her hand, “I know dudette, you’re the star in the movie. I’m Nino Lahiffe.”

He had an accent she thought was French but she wasn’t quite sure. “I was wondering about the designer, the director said it was a high-profile designer and that they would be arriving next week-“

“And then he asked you to talk to me?” he asked with a smile.

“No? Should he have?”

He chuckled, “The designer is one of my best friends, we’ve been friends since we were about five. She wanted to work on something different and when I suggested this she agreed immediately. Honestly, I think she only agreed because you’re on this movie but who knows with her.”

“Well then, I look forward to meeting her.”

.oOo.

Marinette had arrived in L.A. the day before and was now headed to set with Nino. She was nearly shaking with excitement; she was going to meet the Cissie King-Jones. Nino was laughing at her excitement, “you’re being mean,” she said.

“And you’re acting like a little child, when all of us know when you actually meet her, you’ll be too busy in your designing mode to actually say anything to her, so I took the liberty to do so for you.”

“You did what?” she screeched, earning weird looks from people around them.

“I told her that her being in the movie was probably the actual reason you agreed to work on it. Which is undeniably the truth. Feel free to thank me later.”

“I’m never going to thank you. She probably thinks I’m some crazy fan now.”

“You need to stop catastrophising, Mari. It’ll all be fine in the end.”

“Why am I friends with you?”

“We’ve been friends for too long and now you no longer know how to survive without me.”

She snorted at that, “keep telling yourself that, Nino. Keep telling yourself that.”

.oOo.

Cissie was talking to one of the other members in the cast, when she saw Nino walk in with a petite girl, with shoulder length black hair and blue eyes, who was carrying a few sketch books and a bag that looked really heavy to be carried by someone that small.

When the makeup artist told her she was done, Cissie headed in the direction of Nino and who was probably the designer. Joining the two of them, she held her hand out to the designer, “you must be the designer, I’m Cissie King-Jones.”

“Hi, it’s wonderful to meet you. I’m Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

Cissie definitely didn’t know that name, her confusion must’ve been clear on her face because Marinette laughed, “I don’t go by that in the fashion industry, I’m MDC.”

Cissie took a bit to process that bit of information, she was meeting one of her favourite designers ever who was apparently a fan of hers. She was in heaven, she had to be.

“I love your work. Your new line was breath taking. I loved the second piece the most, the colours and design were amazing,” she blurted out, before she could think clearly.

Marinette just laughed, a clear sounding laugh, and said, “Thank you, I’m really glad to hear that. The second piece on the line happens to be my favourite too. And I think your work is amazing too.”

Cissie smiled, “Thank you.”

And then they proceeded to talk while Marinette showed her the designs and ideas she had.

.oOo.

Marinette and Nino returned to the hotel late in the evening and were hanging out in his room.

“I told you that you need to stop catastrophising and everything turned out fine.”

“Why yes, thank you Nino,” she drawled sarcastically.

“I thought you were never going to thank me?”

“Sarcasm, my dear friend. Sarcasm.”

“So, you were being sarcastic when you said you would never thank me ‘cause it sure didn’t sound like it.”

Throwing a pillow at his face and calling out a Good night Marinette ran to her room. She opened her laptop to check if she had missed any messages. There were 10 messages from Arrow Girl. Opening their chat Marinette wondered what Cissie had sent. What she saw left her feeling shocked and incredibly stupid. In hindsight it was extremely obvious but then again she didn’t know Adrien was Cat Noir until he detransformed in front of her.

Arrow Girl: M!!!!!!!!!!!

I MET MDC TODAY AND MADE A COMPLETE FOOL OF MYSELF

SHE’S DOING THE COSTUMES IN THE NEW MOVIE IM DOING

AND LIKE HER FRIEND TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT SHE LIKES MY WORK

AND THAT WAS PROBABLY WHY SHE HAD AGREED TO WORK ON THIS PROJECT

AND THEN I GO UP TO HER AND INTRODUCE MYSELF AND SHE INTRODUCES HERSELF WITH HER REAL NAME AND I MUSTVE HAD A BLANK EXPRESSION CUZ THEN SHE SAID I GO BY MDC

AND THEN I BLANKED OUT

AND IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH I BLURTED OUT I LOVE YOUR WORK YOUR NEW LINE WAS BREATH TAKING AND I LOVED THE SECOND PIECE THE MOST AND THAT THE COLOURS AND DESIGNS WERE AMAZING

AND THEN SHE WAS SO SWEET AND NICE TO ME AND THANKED ME AND SAID THE SECOND PIECE WAS HER FAVOURITE TOO AND THAT SHE THOUGHT MY WORK WAS AMAZING

M!!!!!!! ANSWER ME PLEASE IM DYING OF HUMILIATION.

She thought about her reply for about a minute and the sent it off.

Designs&Coffee: I’m sure she didn’t think you were awkward.

She was probably concentrating more on the fact that she was talking to CISSIE KING-JONES

Her response was instantaneous.

Arrow Girl: How can you be so sure?

Also how did you finally figure out that I’m that Cissie

Designs&Coffee: I’m so sure because I’m that M

As in the M in MDC. Also how I figured you were that Cissie

Hi again! I’m Marinette. I’m 17 and sorta run a fashion empire

Arrow Girl: Cissie King-Jones. I’m seventeen too and currently an actress.

Marinette breathed a sigh of relief, she was worried that this might’ve ended badly

Arrow Girl: Wanna actually hang out tomorrow?

Designs&Coffee: sure!

.oOo.

Cissie woke up two mornings later to nearly a hundred notifications on her phone. About twenty of the notifications were from news channels, which was strange she was supposed to get those only when her name was mentioned in an article and 20 articles in a day were strange. There were another fifty from Bart, which happened occasionally. Ten each from Cassie and Marinette. And a few messages each from Tim, Kon, Greta and Anita.

Checking the news articles first because they would probably give some insight on the dozens of messages, she saw that someone had seen her out with Marinette yesterday and taken a photo which the tabloids had eaten up like starved wolves.

Bart had clearly lost patience fast, his messages were getting more and more pleading as she scrolled through all fifty. Laughing she told him that she had just woken up and would answer all his questions, and she and Marinette weren’t together it was just a misunderstanding, like the one Tim deals with all the time. Kon, Anita and Greta used to the several articles that came with Tim had picked out articles that had the most ridiculous theories and had sent it to her. Cassie had done the same along with several other questions. Choosing to answer Cassie first, she calls Cassie and spends nearly an hour talking to her even though it took Cissie only five minutes to explain the whole tabloid mess. Tim had sent a message saying “welcome to the world where if you’re seen outside your house with someone, everyone is going to believe you’re in a relationship.” Cissie just responded with a laughing face emoji.

Marinette had apologised for her friends’ behaviour, strange as that was. Saying that if she gets e-mails from Adrien Agreste, Luka Couffaine, Alya Césaire or Kagami Tsurugi it would be best to ignore them. They were just over protective and annoying. Cissie pointedly ignored how Marinette had casually brought up four very prominent people in the world. Apparently Marinette’s friends not used to the whole invasiveness of paparazzi had decided to deliver Cissie a shovel talk over e-mail before Marinette could clear up the confusion with her friends. She had also added that they were supposed to apologise and to please tell her if they didn’t.

And that was when she remembered her own friends’ highly similar behaviour and sent a text in the Young Justice group chat that she’d use them as moving target practice if they decide to induct her into their group with threats, and then sent another message to Tim to stop whatever extensive background check he was doing. She groaned as she got a smiley face in reply. Then the notification she had set for Marinette went off.

Designs&Coffee: I’ve been meaning to ask you about why you had all the points you had for young heroes retiring???? so, uh, why did you?

Groaning she flopped back onto the bed, this was going to be one hell of a day.

So my thoughts on how it would go ahead:

Marinette and Cissie meet up to talk about her text but Cissie doesn't really tell her about Arrowette. She changes the topic, after all Marinette was also ready with several points on the same topic. Maybe they eventually tell each other maybe they don't, i don't exactly know.

Marinette's friends calm down pretty soon after, Alya takes some more time but eventually calms down too.

When Cissie says, 'Marinette had casually brought up four very prominent people in the world', Its because at this point Adrien's run as a model still hasn't died out with it being only a year after Hawkmoth's defeat. Kagami is a world famous fencer, Luka joins Jagged Stone on tour and becomes pretty famous too and Alya listened to Marinette, (It ends up being Marinette and Adrien after the reveal who get through to her), she ends up making a name for herself in the year after Hawmoth's defeat, though her work still focuses around heroes/vigilantes which is why Cissie knows her, she's not really that prominent outside France.

Sometime after Cissie finishes talking to Cassie and sees Marinette's text Bart shows up demanding answers. They don't actually know it's Marinette, as in they don't know her name. Marinette Dupain-Cheng isn't really well known, MDC is, and no one knows who MDC is. Tim would probably do a facial recognition scan find out who she is and continue on with his extensive background check and probably figures out she's MDC somewhere along the way. Traya asks about Marinette the next time she sees Cissie

[freakygirlie]

tHAKNK U SO MUCH.. I have been following all of u and u are my fav.. u can call me Li.

I was feeling so suffocated..

I was in my online classes and suddenly I came across these tweets . ..and I kinda fought off 2 anxiety attacks..

I was so worried about Jared. I still am .. and I really needed to talk. My friends see them as my obsession but they are.. always more than that. Jared is my idol my everything just like you all. He saved me I'm not exaggerating a bit. All Jared Stans know what that means.

Jensen meant to me a lot cause he means a lot to Jared. We can't deny Jared is codependent with Jensen. Atleast from Jared's side.

This drama I swear to god this was bigger than Brad Pitt and Angelina..

But this wasn't drama.

Jared Padalecki was betrayed by the person who meant the world to him.

I mean I studied psychology and made a case study of their friendship hahahah...

And this ..Jensen feels .. so different.. not gonna lie he always felt off to me. But he did care about Jared ...

Jareds reaction was everything

His reaction proved the friendship was not fake as some people are saying.

Jared's reaction says it all.

I feel like there is something bigger goin to happen. Or has happened. Their friendship will be okay.

16 years a lot time..

No one how big of an asshole they r can't throw it away ...

Since all these felt to me like straight Outta fanfic..

I am gonna back off I'm gonna say it .

Probably someting happened and Jensen is suddenly realised how much he is love with Jared and now is tryin to awkwardly ignore it.

This was a lot ...god ..I was babbling with grammatical errors and tears..

hi wonderful user <3

first off i'm very sorry you had to find out in such a rough way. believe me i understand because i woke up and saw this so it was like a punch to the gut. i want you to know you're very extremely valid in your feelings. we're all anxious hurt and devastated and we can only heal together and in time.

you're all free to have your opinions on the situation, but atleast to me- their friendship IS NOT FAKE. j2 aren't fake. you cannot just cannot fake 16 years of a relationship like theirs. they still love each other a lot and they will resolve this. again THERE WAS STUFF THAT HAPPENED THAT WE DONT KNOW OF !!! we don't have the full story so i'm not jumping to conclusions. i am upset, hurt and lots of other things which ill definitely say soon but im putting my faith in them. they can get through this.

His reaction proved the friendship was not fake as some people are saying.- EXACTLY.

Jared rushed to defend Jensen despite being in the wrong. I just can't throw that away and i can't also believe that this is it for them. they'll work this through. all those years together, they can't just go to waste.

Probably someting happened and Jensen is suddenly realised how much he is love with Jared and now is tryin to awkwardly ignore it.- lmao this man is a dumbass when it comes to emotion. sigh.

they'll get through this. sending you love <33 sorry it took me a bit to get to this i left for dinner :)) feel dree to rant if you wish!

[crashquez]

How do you deal with the Marc hate online especially since rossi is retiring all i can see is “rossi is the goat marc is actually shit” aghh im so done with rossi retiring just LEAVE like he didn’t win a single title since marc joined im also mad he talked shit about marc so often rossi was great definitely but marc is superior i cant wait marc to have more world championships than rossi

Sorry for the rant literally noone i know watches motogp or understands my love for marc

oh bestie i feel you :(( not going to lie it used to really really bother me but now i am kinda used to the hate? the more hes on top, the more people hate, and the more people hate, the better is he likely doing.

all of last year his instagram comments were fully of “i hope you come back crash again and d**” “i wish you broke yourself sooner” and other horrible things like that. it broke my heart knowing that he was struggling at home both physically and emotionally and there were people saying stuff like this.

at the end of the day i feel like those comments just come from a dispicable place of jealousy. the man is darn good at what he does, even with a broken arm he’s faster than half the field. people are mad and he stays winning and thats all that matters.

as for rossi, my own father is a huge italian rossi stan and every weekend he texts me to tell me marc is the scum of the earth and deserves to be banned for life which is just so sweet!!! i am sick and tired of the rossi dude bros and of how rossi has enabled this behavior for years. i could go on and on about this (and happy to dm if you want) but i don’t want to piss off all my followers lol but yeah marc is ALWAYS in their mouth. nothing he does will ever be okay in their eyes. listen im not saying marc is perfect or without faults, but like if the world went accoring to rossi, marc would be a felon with a long ass criminal history, which is just a tad extreme. ALSO they live in whatever made up scenario they have created about 2015 cause they have no actual good reality to cling to, it’s sad!!

as for the goat debate, reasonable people can disagree, and i am obviously biased, but pretending marc isnt up there after having won 8 world championships in 10 years is a tad idiotic. marc already owns so many motogp records and hemd gonna break many more, but apparently he’s too old and will only fail from here on out? and yet these same people still somehow believe that vale could have won his 10th at 40??? hypocritical much??

anyway, i am so grateful that marc is so mentally strong and has a good group of people around him. i cannot wait for him to get back to smiling on the podium every week again because he deserves the world and more.

[supertransural]

supernatural made me realize a bunch of shit about myself, specifically identity and it’s part of the reasons why i think it’s an inherently queer story.

allow me to clarify. once upon a time, 6 years ago, i found supernatural. back then i was mostly in the closet, even to myself. i’d gotten to that point of “hah wouldn’t it be nice to be like guys on tv and kiss the pretty girls” but not much further than that, because in most of the movies i had watched with my parents, the personality of the guy wasn’t really explored in the way supernatural (mostly unintentionally ngl) does with its characters.

so picture a teen, finding my first tv show to watch alone, being able to think my very own comments about it and not fear any repercussions from those thoughts because hey, i’m alone in my room i can think what i like about what i’m seeing. and feeling.

and here enters dean. complicated, comes from a rough childhood, parental expectations weighing so heavy on him it’s bleeding through his smiles, has a brother he feels is his duty to protect, is stuck in a loop of denial repression depression sublimation denial repression depression sublimation den-

you get the gist. i related to that guy. and then here he goes getting bi-coded (didn’t know what that was at the time but looking back, i could sure as hell feel it) and then kissing girls on screen, despite his wavering self-confidence. little ol’ gay me was like “yoooo i relate to this character on most of his character points, do i also relate to like..... wanting to do what he does??? do i wanna kiss other girls????”. fast forward one season and i’ve already figured out i was maybe bi. literally thanks to season 1 dean.

so, having figured out this “minor” aspect of myself, i went on youtube to find some other people like me and try to see if i was right to be homophobic towards myself or not. figured out, hey uh, definitely not. so you can also add “it ended up making me try to put a stop to my internalized homophobia” on the list of things that shitpost of a show helped me with.

i went back to the show for another season, relating even more to dean, and “blah blah blah queer coded character blah blah blah gay me could feel it before i knew what it was blah blah blah happy gay stuff”. several seasons passed by before anything new came up on my “hm this show rly out here bringing out all the queer aspects of myself huh” journey, but anyways i was still slowly but surely thinking holy shit i wanna be this goddamn man i want to be dean.

then comes season 4, walzing into my questioning little heart. oof ok, this season hit ALL the right spots for me. because i could feel what was going on between cas and dean and even though everything was still blurry as fuck, the parallel between sam/ruby and dean/cas was clear as day. and i was like “oh so you’re saying there’s a love here and it’s like that tarnished love between sam and ruby and it’s forbidden so that’s why we’re not seeing it and it’s like... gay”. so it made me realize “holy shit, i wanna see more gay content, and it’s ok to want that.”

then cas became another extremely relatable character, because i just kept thinking “he doesn’t really have a gender the same way other humans do” and i shit you not, he started me questioning my own gender. because again, a relatable character that you somewhat identify with that makes you ask questions about their identity INEVITABLY makes you ask questions about yourself. queue me going on youtube yet again to understand this shit a little better. i went through a few months of thinking “maybe i’m nb”, joined a few more gay communities on the internet, started learning about lgbtq+ things, watched a few more gay shows, and basically just grew a little more into my queerness.

fasforward several seasons, a couple gap years where i stopped watching it, and you’ll get to me a year ago. i thought i was a gay woman, fairly happy in that mental space and identity. but then. the whole “i wanna be dean” thing came up a lot again. because he just kept on being more and more visibly queer coded as i kept on learning more about this shit.

lo and behold, i jumped straight into the idea i was trans. and wouldya look at dat, i was right. quarantine happened, so i had to get even more of my interactions through online platforms, and quite obviously hovered around the gayer ones, or at least the lgbtq+ sides of them. and as i kept watching the show on and off, binging the first seasons for the 4th time, i kept learning more and more about myself. and those acts of gay frenzy were always started by seeing something relatable or strange in that show and looking it up. like, legitimately every time.

i found this community on tumblr a few weeks ago because i was tired of having my own little hypotheticals in my head and not knowing if anyone agreed, and the more i’ve been here the more i’ve learned about myself. the more i’ve let go of a lot of internalized hatred. the more i’ve been really ok with myself, as a trans guy. BUT ITS NOT FINISHED YET.

because, as we all know, it is common understanding here that dean is bi. WELL, i’ve been re-binging the show with that mindset finally clear in my head, and the “haha dean relatable lol” thing came up again, except it was really a “haha dean (who is bi) super relatable lol” thing now. so i paused, yet again, to think about that a little more. AND FIGURED OUT I WASNT STRAIGHT, IM BI AS FUCK.

that happened 1 month ago. i thought i’d grown fully into my queer self, that i’d gone through enough realizations and coming outs (to friends only, god forbid i come out to my parents (unfortunately quite literally god forbid lmao) before i’m out of here) for a lifetime. but apparently not. AND IT WAS STILL BECAUSE OF SUPERNATURAL. destiel and trans!dean fics helped with my internalized transphobia and homophobia, they helped with acceptance of those parts of myself. something that helped was also seeing the fact that shipping two guys in a tv show wasn’t just “being greedy with my grubby little gay hands” and wanting to think of a character as trans wasn’t just “being delusional and ridiculous”. and reading fics wasn’t cringy, it was nice and comforting.

so to try and sum up this unhinged gay rant, what i meant by my initial statement is this.

looking back on this entire self-discovery journey that i went on, it really felt like i was in the impala with the boys, except i was on a different kind of route (just picture this giant road painted in rainbow colors with baby driving at 80mph on it, that’s what it felt like). i grew with those characters, but most importantly i grew THANKS to those characters. their story was queer enough to make me, a fairly homophobic, traditional, conservative kid into a lib trans bi dude. and not in a “i got converted by the fandoms” way. i found the fandom waaaaayyyyyyyy later. i stumbled upon the fandoms looking for answers about this gayass goddamn show that i could FEEL was like me but couldn’t verbalize yet.

their story felt like a queer self discovery story and i could already see that before i went on it myself. no other shows have ever done that for me, and i’ve watched shows that had lgbtq+ characters in them, scripted gay scenes, not just subtext but text. and they still didn’t do that for me.

so this is why this show is so meaningful to be, and incidentally so very gay. like genuinely.

[ofmelodys]

☽˚｡⋆. 𝑴𝑬𝑳𝑶𝑫𝒀 𝑯𝑨𝑵𝑬𝑼𝑳 𝑷𝑨𝑹𝑲

[ 𝐉𝐄𝐎𝐍 𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐈 // 𝐂𝐈𝐒 𝐖𝐎𝐌𝐀𝐍 // 𝐒𝐇𝐄/𝐇𝐄𝐑 ] – oh my god, is that [ 𝐌𝐄𝐋𝐎𝐃𝐘 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 ]?! the tabloids can’t seem to stop buzzing about the [ 𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘-𝐎𝐍𝐄 ] year old [ 𝐓𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐂𝐇 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐑/𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐔𝐁𝐄𝐑 ]. the industry has dubbed [ 𝐡𝐞𝐫 ] [ 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐄𝐂𝐇𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐄 ] and sources say, [ 𝐬𝐡𝐞 ] is [ 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐃 ] and [ 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 ], yet also [ 𝐍𝐀𝐈𝐕𝐄 ] and [ 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐄 ]. yet, with all this gossip, who really knows?! one thing’s for sure, though– queen bee has it out for [ 𝐡𝐞𝐫 ]!

my lovely bbs , i know already that i love u all KJNJSKNJ . hi friends ! i am s, i reside in the cst timezone, im 21 and my pronouns are she/her. although classes have just started for me, i think this semester will be pretty easy so i’ll be around to develop melody! ok, i’ll stop ranting. below you will find mel’s bio and wanted connections! please like this post and i’ll hit you up to plot or reach out to me on discord at L𝐚𝐮𝐯, 𝐥𝐚𝐮𝐯, 𝐋𝐚𝐔𝐯 😩✨#5550. 

** TW: ANXIETY **

☽˚｡⋆. 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐈 𝐁𝐈𝐎 !

melody haneul park was born and raised in toronto, canada. her father, park kyungsoo, was originally born in busan, south korea, and her mother, susan park, was also born and raised in canada. her parents had met at work after kyungsoo had transferred to toronto for his new job. they quickly fell in love, didn’t hesitate and got married. soon enough susan was pregnant with their little melody.

after mel was born, her parents decided not to have any more kids. one was enough for them, especially because neither of them wanted to stop working-- kyungsoo was due for a promotion to a senior position role in this corporate org, and susan was too. because of this, melody quickly fell into the world of daycares and nannies.

throughout elementary and middle school, melody was an extremely shy kid. she didn’t have many friends and kept to herself.

in high school, she tried to open up a little more-- she joined the anime and video games club, since she was absolutely obsessed with everything technology-- her parents gifted her a pc gaming set-up and she fell in love with the world of gaming ever since. her first game was mortal kombat and from there on she played every type of game you could imagine. realistically, she had more friends online than she did at school, so her video games were her escape.

throughout high school, she learned some basic coding skills (and also how to hack certain systems, but that’s lowkey a secret) and realized that she eventually wanted to work in the world of it or some form of technology, maybe video game design?.. 

her father was all for it, but her mother was skeptical. even though she was, melody still graduated and decided to major in video game design at her local college.

in her freshman year, she was semi bored of her classes-- so she joined extra curriculars, like the gaming club, anime club again, etc.. but she was still bored, so she then decided to start up a twitch streaming account. she would stream gameplay of an abundance of games, but the video game that got her the most views and caused her to go viral was overwatch. 

once her following was getting bigger and bigger (on both twitch and youtube), and she was gaining a large amount of income from it, she started to wonder if video game design was still what she wanted to do..

after some thinking, she decided to drop out from college after her freshman year. while her parents were both extremely disappointed in her decision, they didn’t fully understand how much money she truly could make from streaming and making youtube videos. 

after dropping out, she decided to pack everything and move to la. again, of course her parents were disappointed, but they tried their hardest to support her.

flash forward about two years, and melody aka melodiesgaming, is now in the top ten channels with the most subscribers, and top ten in twitch as well. right now she is streaming a lot of animal crossing new horizons gameplay, along with silly games like fall guys and overwatch every now and then. most of her youtube videos are about playing obscure small games that people had never heard of. 

one thing about her and fame that don’t mesh well is that she’s.. not very good at socializing lol? like in interviews and at big events its so obvious shes uncomfortable and anxious and her agent tries to help her with it but ... eh lol. she was diagnosed with anxiety at a young age which also contributes. 

but when she’s streaming or interacting with her fans, she’s super outgoing and hilarious!

she is also lowkey naive, falls too fast, all that jazz... 

she claims that she is straight but she is a closeted bisexual. she has no idea when she’ll be comfortable enough to come out to the public but hopefully that’s soon.

also, she’s insecure about not being a good enough streamer/youtuber when she clearly is because why would she have this many subs yknow?? also, esp bc she lives in la she feels like she has to keep up with appearances and that’s a big insecurity as well.

☽˚｡⋆. 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 !

** CONNECTIONS OPEN TO ALL GENDERS UNLESS SPECIFIED **

- best friend (0/1)

- best friend/streamer youtuber buddy (1/1) taken by noemi

- friends she met online (1/?) one spot taken by venus

- childhood friend if anyone is from canada (1/?) one spot taken by tarik

- first love (0/1)

- first (secret) time with a girl (1/1) taken by poppy

- first time (general) (0/1)

- rival/enemy/bully (0/?)

- ex ** must be a man unless the relationship was secret ** (1/?) one spot taken by baz

- summer fling (0/?)

- sister bond (1/1) taken by annie

- skinny love (0/1)

- close friends (0/?)

- clout pal (0/?)

- unrequited (0/1)

- confidant (1/1)

- fwb, one night stand etc **must be man unless secret hookup which would also be fun** (0/?)

- enemy with benefits **see above** (1/1) one spot taken by sienna

these are all simply ideas and i’m open to literally anything!