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away-ward · 1 year ago

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Hey, thanks for the reply for my ask! The tiktok video i sent was under the username @ wanderbella_ and the post is picture of a blonde woman with some blue dress (?) the title was "you think you won? nah girl you're just easy". This one >> ( https://www.tiktok.com/@wanderbella_/video/ 7268488507641941253?_r=1&_t=8fChpFFVp7o ) just delete the space between / and 7

And yea, i think im just not a fan of unnecessary jealousy scenes, which was why i like your fic because even if some type of jealousy was present, it never took away much from willemmy's relationship building outside of it. I also agree with your point about will's potential, because i believe if only pd just gave him more on page time and development, he wouldve been an amazing character. He was so lost, and maybe his stagnant surrounding also amplified it, so why cant we see him doing something else that's opposite to what he had, that could later on add his growth or something? even his vacation and other good things he did before blackchurch took a backseat, they were only mentioned in passing, so we really dont know this "amazing will" that his friends saw, we were only just told about it. So we got the shitty version of him (especially the treating women like shit), and we were expected to like him and be like "oh will, so romantic!" "The best horsemen to treat his woman right" Like where?! 😒 Istg, this particular angle of Nightfall will was so similar to corrupt michael, its such a turn off: The same flaws of michael that i hated in corrupt, especially the almost to no development ON PAGE of misogynistic weak male characters who cant stand up for themselves and their woman then let others treat their women like shit in front of everybody, and pd even had the fucking audacity to write a scene where michael called emmy weak 🙄 (However, Was what michael was true? I think In a certain angle it is, because even emmy had acknowledged that there are somethings she didnt have courage to fight for then because of her situation, but she wasnt a coward in everything. Then we got will who is shit at everything, even at loving emory, because apart from being a jobless and useless character, even as someone who was written to be the MMC of the book, he just sits there in thunder bay on his high horse and complaint in his head here and there like an annoyng insufferrable karen. So these mfs can go f themselves honestly.

One thing about this series that i fcking hate is the men likes to humiliate others and even their women in front of everybody, and then "let" them fight, and rebrand it as "women empowerment". Its 2023 why are MCs still the one to define what women empowerment is? And why do female readers ate them up? Thats why i said, a big reason why the FMCs in this series was treated like shit by their friends is because the horsemen lead them by example. Like hideaway michael learned later to stand up for rika and not let her always gight alone like in corrupt, and afterwards he put banks in her place, kai in fire night for that prank, damon for overcrossing his boundaries etc. at least we see growth, bare minimum but its still there. But nightfall will, oh god, fucking useless, why the fuck was he still around alex after all of that? We never even saw will telling her off to shut the fuck up and go mind her own business. We never even got a sorry from alex. Emmy was better than me because if alex was my friend, i wouldve cut her off from my life, but then emmy was kinda dumb to go back to will without making him apologize and fight for her more too so i guess being dumb is a general theme for this series.

For me personally, i also hate that these men can do whatever they want, but the readers just buy whatever they say, without actually thinking about what they just said and did. The two most laughable quote to me are from damon (others are all from michaelrika lmao) where he said in conclave and nightfall about how he thought hes best around women now and women only dont know how to fight if they were taught. Do i disagree with him? Not fully. But do i hate that Damon was the one to say this? Fuck yeah. I had to laugh because really, damon was suddenly the one to say this? Its more believable if theres a steady character growth for him relating with female presence in his life, but nooo one day hes a villain, and the next hes a feminist 🙄 His stupid switch of personality was so?? unsatisfying to read. And thats the thing, pd wrote all these shitty scenes about shitty men, jumping from one characterisation to another within 24 hours, and still expect us to buy it under the pretense of "going over the edge, feeling everything, doing whatever you want, deal with your shame, dont run away from it". Wow, pd, youre so inspirational! #1 feminist! 🙄😒

Anyway, I think will's character is probably the second most disappointing thing i have to read from the series, with the other 3 horsemen's povs combined being the most disappointing thing about DN. Idk, i think i just hate reading about women-hate in books and unequally matched power couple where one of them is very blatantly weaker (oh on that note, the same goes with winterdamon. Why is damon's partner someone like that??? Shes so stale! Lacking intensty, and I very much agree with your other anon that winter was just so useless outside of damon and being a ballerina, and to me, its not even because she was blind. Theres a lot of amazing things that disabled people can do irl and pd didnt even try to do their research well and make her a more outstanding character. We could literally have a great disabled rep in DN, but nah, pd said, aint no way for non-damonrika content and disabled women empowerment today!) Even worse when that weakness was made to be their whole personality, as if he or she does not have a backbone or anything going outside of it. Will grayson was literally a person of himself, a son, a friend, a potential uncle, a lover, a family gatherer (or wtv you name it) and many other things, but pd cant even slip this into his character??? Ugh. I already had many problems with will's character but like i said in my intial ask, his bad treatment towards women just seals my hate for him, just like the three other horsemen. i hate him, and i dont think im ever gonna take recs with "characters like will grayson" again if theyre the exact same with the one i read.

Lastly, i dont think you come off as will grayson's #1 fan or anything, nor do i think it's a problem neither. i also understand that if you do come off as one, its not my place to yuck your yum bevause this is your blog, and as much as a stranger like me can asks you asks, this is still your blog and a place for you and your moots to have fun with your fan contents first above everything. I believe that even if you maybe do enjoy something problematic etc. from this series or from somewhere else, by looking at your anons' response here, you seem to know the difference between fiction and reality and is very respectful when you deal with different responses and opinions, so thats a good thing. I only came here to express my frustration, thats all. Thank you for reading & replying!

Hey!!

Okay, I was able to see the tiktok this time and I totally get what you’re saying. Will definitely used women to make himself more comfortable and Alex, if that’s who you were imagining when you saw this, shouldn’t feel any type of pride for having “bagged” him. The truth is, both Alex and Will are easy lays who require little to no effort to coax into bed. I mean, I think Will would be loyal to Em once they’re together, but outside of that Will has no guardrails to keep him from doing stupid stuff. Both he and Alex live in the gutter where that’s concerned.

, which was why i like your fic because even if some type of jealousy was present, it never took away much from willemmy's relationship building outside of it.

Not sure which fic you’re talking about but I’m assuming it’s No Apologies since that deals with jealousy the most. It was a struggle for me to write because I never thought of Will as an openly jealous person, but again, I’m not any kind of authority on the character and as PD as proven time and again, I have sort of a glorified “but he’s actually better than this” view of him.

That being said, I did feel that he had no right to his jealousy in any way. So I had to (for myself) find a reason to justify it and it seemed the best course to make it about Em lying all the time. Lying about the abuse, lying about her feelings for him, lying about other men touching her, not admitting that she signed that paper even though he knew it was all a crock. She lied, seemingly to protect other people when she should have been worried about him, and that's what he's jealous over. It was the only way I could make it work, because I also don't see the point of a useless or misplaced jealousy plotline!!!

even his vacation and other good things he did before blackchurch took a backseat, they were only mentioned in passing, so we really dont know this "amazing will" that his friends saw, we were only just told about it. So we got the shitty version of him

Yeah, exactly! I few asks ago I went off the rails about him because all these little things he does that aren’t really touched on and are sort of glossed over really paint a different picture of him than the one we see on the page. And had any of those traits been brought out more, he could have really shined.

this particular angle of Nightfall will was so similar to corrupt michael, its such a turn off: The same flaws of michael that i hated in corrupt, especially the almost to no development ON PAGE of misogynistic weak male characters who cant stand up for themselves and their woman then let others treat their women like shit in front of everybody

I didn’t really piece this together right away but you’re right. Will during BC and Michael before the Big Twist are very similar. Willing to let their friends hurt the girl they “care about” because their revenge is more important and “it’s what they deserve,” only to find out that their involvement was nothing at all and shouldn’t even be considered. Really need to find a different plot here. Also, as you said, it’s weird that both Michael and Will took the same course of action. They’re two completely different characters, so shouldn’t they have reacted differently to learning of their girl’s “betrayal”? I think I tend to be more forgiving towards Will’s anger (not to be confused with his treatment of Em, just his anger and ability to justify himself), because he loved to such an extreme extend of course he would hate her the same way. His emotions swing from one extreme to the other. Michael was always mean to Rika. His love and hate seem exactly the same to me. But anyway.

pd even had the fucking audacity to write a scene where michael called emmy weak

there was an anon who had an interesting take on this scene. I’ll link it here. The point was about half-way down. I'm not sure which I tend to think is more believable - Michael actually had a plan with calling Emmy weak, or Michael truly believed her to be weak because she didn't trust them and wanted to hurt her. But I did like that this was a new and different idea.

You bring up an interesting (and frustrating) point, that I think is a lot bigger than this series. Yes, female characters should be able to defend themselves. But does that always have to be through physical violence? It’s annoying that every girl in this series falls in to that trap (except Winter? I can’t remember. Other than her speaking Damon into a sobbing mess, I don’t remember much about her big coming into power moment.). Like, female empowerment can come in so many different expressions. But for some, the physical violence is and coming out of humiliation seemingly unscathed a draw and I don’t begrudge them that.

Like hideaway michael learned later to stand up for rika and not let her always gight alone like in corrupt, and afterwards he put banks in her place, kai in fire night for that prank, damon for overcrossing his boundaries etc. at least we see growth, bare minimum but its still there. But nightfall will, oh god, fucking useless, why the fuck was he still around alex after all of that? We never even saw will telling her off to shut the fuck up and go mind her own business.

I would have loved to see Will tell Alex to shut up just once. If PD was going to create a side to take between Alex and Em (even if for a moment), Will should have had to make a choice and he should have taken Em’s side. But instead we had Alex and Will standing together and Em meeting them where they're at. That’s worth a scream, I think.

Yes, since Will and Damon had the most to recover from, I think they should have been the last two in the series. However, Damon’s course to recovery and redemption is a little more predictable than Will’s. Which is why I will always stand by the idea that Damon’s book should have been the series finale and no one will ever change my mind. We should have gotten the chance to see a healthy or recovering Will. A Will at his best, because frankly… we have no idea what that would look like. And moving Damon’s redemption to the end of the series means that we can do a ten-year epilogue where Damon is a healthier version of himself where it didn’t seem like it happened overnight.

Idk, i think i just hate reading about women-hate in books and unequally matched power couple where one of them is very blatantly weaker

I think this probably where we differ the most, because I don’t mind this (that’s probably obvious from the stuff I’ve been posting lately), but only if there is eventually an equalizing of power. We do see that in DNs, it’s just done badly like most stuff in the series. Again, the potential was there. The bones are good. The overall idea is really fun. It’s the execution that trips up most readers, and that’s probably because there are so many other books that take on the same tropes and do something better to a varying degree. Either the revenge plot is better or the friendships are better or the FMC are preferrable. It’s understandable why this series isn’t everyone’s cup of tea when there’s nothing solely original about it. It just happened to combined enough of the things I like for me to discard the things I don’t (most of the time.)

, its not even because she was blind. Theres a lot of amazing things that disabled people can do irl and pd didnt even try to do their research well and make her a more outstanding character. We could literally have a great disabled rep in DN, but nah, pd said, aint no way for non-damonrika content and disabled women empowerment today!

Absolutely correct, and there was that other anon who mentioned diversity and how we couldn’t really expect PD to do extensive research about POC, so going off of that, Winter never stood a chance. I did like that at times she showed her abilities in both hearing sounds others couldn’t pick up and actually hearing the words people say, pulling out things other people would have passed over, but I also feel that PD used her blindness as an excuse for that and had it never occurred to them to make Winter blind, it would have just been another character that did those things because Plot Convenience.

But this does pose the question: what could PD have done with Winter to make her a believable blind character and make her blindness more apart of the story? Because of the action this series tends to lean towards, I always see Winter as a liability. She needs to be led everywhere; I never see her fight. But that assumption isn't really fair to actual blind individuals. What could have been done to make her a good rep?

Will grayson was literally a person of himself, a son, a friend, a potential uncle, a lover, a family gatherer (or wtv you name it) and many other things, but pd cant even slip this into his character???

I don’t know what you mean by family gatherer, but I do like that he’s the mood maker of the crew. People tend to gravitate towards him and trust him for whatever reason. He could have used that to his advantage if he were smarter. I also liked that Will was the only one with family that wasn’t included in the story. It’s clear that Damon has more siblings that just the two we met, but we don’t care about those because it’s so vague. Michael killed his brother, Kai has no siblings. Other than their parents, we know nothing about their extended family. But Will has two brothers, two cousins (one deceased), an uncle, ect. Like he has an actual family outside the group. I don’t know. It’s nice that PD expounded on some of that even though it’s not really relevant.

i hate him, and i dont think im ever gonna take recs with "characters like will grayson" again if theyre the exact same with the one i read.

Someone is recommending books with the line “characters like will grayson” but they’re not exclusively talking about High School/Simp-Supreme Will? Are they insane? That’s clearly the superior Will.

As for your last paragraph, thank you. I do have fun talking and trashing these characters because none of it really matters in the end, right. And I do try to create a space where people can sound off whatever things frustrated them, or things they liked about the series, without worrying they’ll be judged or laughed at for it. There’s no reason the fandom can’t be a place for people to enjoy, even if that means pointing out very real flaws with the material and still be heard.

Also, thank you for reading all those other anon's asks and being respectful when bringing them up. That means a lot for me and I'm sure to them as well.

*bold not meant for emphasis but for ease of reading/skimming.

#asked and answered 88 #asked and answered #devil's night series #the horsemen of devil's night #series discussion #character discussion #will grayson iii #no alex tag #response to prev ask #asked and answered 87

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endthedrugwarnowdotorg · 2 years ago

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interpreting my lover over the only free psychic hotline 1 800 FOREVER

"FOREVER IN MY HEART, ANGEL i HAVE NO WHERE TO STAY TONiGHT BECAUSE i HAVE BEEN AT MY PARENTS HOUSE & THEY THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE iN A RELATIONSHiP WiTH SOME GUY NAMED NAiLL BECAUSE THEY MET WHEN HE CAME OVER TO CHECK ON YOU LAST YEAR WHEN ALL THAT SHiT WAS HAPPENiNG.. SO THATS WHY EVERYONE HATES YOU, CAUSE i TOLD EVERYONE THAT YOU WEREE A WHORE WHO FUCKS EVERYTHING THAT MOVES TO MAKE ME HAVEA REASON FOR WHY i WAS BEiNG A ViOLENT FREAKAZOiD." so your mom no longer thinks im a whore, hopefully? "i let her know that you werent actually josie grossie in high school & people were actually quietly not interested in not being your friend but you are just entirely too busy for most people.. so she does not think you are this ugly duckling turned swan person any longer but she does love you for being popular & turning my whole could look like a hoodlum vibe into some thing classier & for turning you into someone who could model & be a movie star & who never saw me as anything less than perfect. " "I forget why we were fighting but nevermind its because i thought you told my mom that you thought i was candices murderer" FOR THE THOUSANTH TIME I NEVER EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING CLOSE TO THAT I NEVEER EVEN THOUGHT THAT I DIDNT EVEN WRIE IT DOWN FOR ANY REASON THAT I CAN RECALLTHO I AM AWARE IT IS WRITTEN SOMEWHERE. it was something i was compelled to but its besides the point. i never would have brought that up to anyone and never spoke to laywers or anyone without your knowledge. i know you might have, im not upset about it as much as one might think i would be because im mostly just glad you werent tried as a murderer.. i do wonder why i was never asked about anything but i imagine that was some well meaning attempt to keeep me from having to endure anymore pain. and also inspired by the things i said about you beingsomeone who is so much more eqiupt to testify at a trail.. in retrospect i do regret alot of things i said to you. too many things you took on as your own repsonsibily that i could have handled myself. But in my defense, you do love to be the person that does things for me. it brings you joy & how could that ever be wrong? somewhere along the road we ended up in this place where you believe me to be incapable which is not the case, & then some where resentment was built up but all of that nonesense at that point in our relationship i see to be a concerted outside influence and effort to destroy something beautiful like a blonde jared leto in fight club.. i know thats the case & i think we all know that i think i know whose to blame & for years now weve just been going in circles, possibly because my original assumptions werent accurate & the actual culprets, being the evil villans that they are, were desperate for recognition despite my misguided accusations being a total blessing to them if they chose to take it. I assume, as evil types generally do, they joined forces with the ones that i accused of being the originators of all of our confusion.. and that didnt make things any better but honestly it hasnt made them all that much worse. everything was stagnant to annoying, the only damage was to my ability to be brilliant & therefore my husbands happiness was also messed with which was great cause then there was this huge empty silence that they decided to fill with my husbands worst nightmares that they whispererd into his ears constantly for months trying to make me come across as some insecure unahppy bitch who doesnt want or have any interest in any of the amazing things that were being tossed at me because of my obvious suffering. that kind of shit, is the worst thing for a persons reputation, ive learned. having never been offered all that could ever possibly make a girl happy before, i was not aware of any of this but its obvious that i would have said yes to anything any one offered me.. even things i didnt want. thats kind of my MO. so me saying no to cody or hismother or anyone is just obviously fake. everyone else startedd taking advantage of my neglected gifts as cody grew more and more concerned and then frustrated & then started designing a hate fest to destroy me for being so overrun with tradgedy when hes trying to make a princess.. but i swear to god i did not know. now that i know all i want to do is tell him that i forgive him for hating me & more over that i am so sorry that i was portrayed in such a hideous light. im sorry if i ever said anything kind about anyone who was influencing him to believe such total bullshit. im sure that i did. he has always loooked to me for advice & in recent years i have just been trying to be nice to people who generally deserve nothing but the pain of athousand knives stabbing their back and stealing all of theirjoy. to do this kind of thing to him, thats what i cant grasp. They must just really be hateful ugly humans who want nnothing but misery for everyone because thats the only reason that they would allow him to suffer. me, sure you can hate me but HE IS YOUR FRIEND AND HE LOVES ME LET HIM BE HAPPY NO ONE ELSE WILL DO I AM AMAZING AND GUESS WHAT IM BACK ON MY BULLShIT SO YOU BEST LET HIM COME HANGOUT WITH ME OR HES GONNA GET ALL KINDS OF KEEENAN FRENCH STYLE CRAZY AND NO ONE IS AQQUIPT TO HANDLE THAT OTHER THAN ME. essentially, i am the most tolerant & forgiving person & you all can abasically get off scott free as long as you let me have my man back and dont expect me to acknowledge your evil in any regard because i refuse to let it even exist to us. you are failures. and you lose Cody frey as a friend in the end which is the worst thing anyone could ever have to suffer through. belive me, i would know well, actually.. i woudnt because im the only one who deserves him no one has ever loved anyone as much as him and i love each other and that is something you cannot stop despite all your best lil stupid pathetic efforts. and no i wont have sex with any of you unless you are my husband and im sorry about that but once im back in my place in the world you will be able tocome hangout with us and see what it was that was so much more interesting than hangingout with you guys cause it really is enlightening.

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soaringsearingphoenix · 4 years ago

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I read On Looking because of this post -- well, okay, I only read half of it because it's so fascinating that I can only read it while confined to a dull space; otherwise I feel compelled to get up and walk around looking each time an expert pointed something out, which was every page or two. (I managed to sit and read a few chapters while on an airplane, but I haven't had cause to fly in some time). It is worth a read.

I'd been thinking about this even before then, though, because I'd been trying to explain to someone what the connection was between some of my favorite classes and subjects of learning; physics, horticulture, and cartography seem pretty distinct at first glance, among other things in that category.

The answer I came to was that they were each instances of times when I had learned something that changed the way I looked at the world I saw every day. I realized I'd never thought twice about different map projections (why are some wall maps square and some are round!). I hadn't considered how extensively the flpra I see from day to day was someone's decision, or how often those decisions fail to account for the long-term health of the plants. I hadn't realized just how much there is out there to learn about - I can't even distill my physics classes down into one thing that reshaped my reality. The sun, maybe - I looked at the sun with new wonder the more I learned about it.

My dad is always chatting with people, and he has a great memory for faces, and a knack for finding common ground. It seems like he always knows someone anywhere we go - we would joke that he would either find a friend or make one any time we traveled. I don't have a memory for faces - I have a tendency to look down when I walk, and to wander off and find a still, quiet corner with the comfort of something green. He is always amazed when, after I wander back (and we say farewell to his new friend) I show him close-up pictures of bugs on my phone. "How in the world do you find these things? I swear, they're drawn to you," he says. But it's the reverse - I'm drawn to them. The same way he somehow managed to run into a couple from the same little island as his grandfather while we were at a gas station in the middle of the desert. (I found a ladybug.)

There are wonders all around you, and we as a civilization have spent hundreds of years finding and documenting them. I think one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself is seeking to learn about those things, whether through reading about them, or watching documentaries, or talking to other people. Surround yourself with those who know things you don't about topics you're interested in; most people with an expertise love nothing more than a chance to talk excitedly about their passions to someone who is excited to listen.

People who like rocks see cool rocks everywhere. People who like birds see interesting birds everywhere. The tree on your yard could be an exceptional specimen. The world around you could be amazing and magical, but you aren’t enough of a nerd to see it.

#that last bit may be the adhd/autism brain talking lmao let me infodump to u in person and we are friends instantly #and vice versa infodump to me about something you love and if i think the thing is cool i will think you are wonderful #fun facts are my love language #as for why are some maps square and some are round - the short answer is 'math.'#the longer answer is 'they were designed for different purposes and perhaps the person selecting to use that map knew that'#there are risks to seein the beauty - the more you love the more chance you will hurt when the things you love are hurt #when you love unusual things you will watch the world around you fail to share in your love #but it's a risk worth taking #you will find the people who DO share that love of the things you love and it's worth more than anything #and you will not become the person who hurts the things that are beautiful for lack of understanding #anyways how amazing is it that we have a sun #so much of the universe is empty space and we are here with our very own star?? it makes us alive and it is not a stagnant thing #it is changing and it interacts with things and it has a beginning and an end??#it's bigger and further away than we are even equipped to visualize and we as a species have grown up alongside it #we dont even have to think about all the ways we are used to having our sun around we just do and we take it for granted until it goes away #(remember me dave. remember your cousin oskaar)#and also the sun is the reason for all the colors we can see because its light contains wavelengths of those colors so like #even something that seems as basic (it isnt! its complex!) as looking around at other things is fundamentally influenced by our sun #because our very eyes formed in relation to its light #from our sight to our skin to our sleep we really are sun seeking creatures in so many respects #and thats only the relationship the sun has with US #it doesnt even go into the relationship it has with the milliona of other stars in our galaxy #!!!!!!!!!! i have a lot of feelings about the sun and thats nothing compared to how i felt when we reached that unit in physics #hey fun idea; send me a topic and ill tell you i something i think is beautiful or underappreciated within that category

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acetechne · 4 years ago

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I really love your art! While both mediums that you used are amazing I am fascinated by your traditional art! I was wondering what supplies do you use? I think you watercolour for colouring instead of gouache since it looks much thinner but I could be wrong.

Hi there! I’m so glad you like it :D

I’ve been neglecting traditional art a lot since I’ve moved all around the country in the past three years, so some pieces might look vastly different than others because I have access to different spaces and materials at different times. Tbh, I reaLLLY would like to get some gouache, it’s just that I have been living out of a suitcase while I was in school and wasn’t able to get any ;;

The Secret

GENERALLY however........... my secret is that I’ve been using the same watercolour palette I’ve had since high school :’ ) and I dont know what brand it is because the transparent lid literally fell off and vanished ages ago, it was something that my art teacher had picked out.

(As you can see, my yellow is almost completely gone which is a Huge Problem because I use yellow as a base for a lot of things Especially skin tones. It’s great to have other colours, but a lot of art i do relies on just mixing the three primary colours.)

Most watercolour art I do is using this palette, like this or this or this. Since I brought it with me while I was studying in Toronto, nearly all of the art I’ve done in the past three years with some exceptions has been done with this old boi. I wish I knew what it was because I’m going to have to replace it eventually... I’m back home now so if the art stores here still carry it, I can investigate.

(THIS GOT LONG SO I HAVE SOME MORE SUPPLIES AND RELATED THOUGHTS UNDER THE CUT) (feel free to ask for clarification on anything) (And if you ever need watercolour tips I cannot recommend Watercolour by Shibasaki enough, the man is a god, LISTEN to when he says to use a Big Brush he Means it)

Pricier Stuff

The great thing about watercolour is it’s a cheap and highly accessible medium. If you want strong pigments that last for years, by all means please get something a little pricier. I use a Sakura Koi field set for painting outside or in cafes, like this, this or this or even doing comics like this. Although its great for small paintings, a lot of stuff I do with these tends to turn out a bit washed out because I’m Afraid of using too much pigment which I have to get over. Also, Daniel Smith gives you rich, buttery colours and you don’t need very many tubes to get a gorgeous range of colours and you can even get a “dot card” which is like a little paper palette with a few smears of paint on it for a more affordable price. My tubes have been in storage until just a few weeks ago, so I don’t really have many examples of using them... but I think I used them here. (I even had some dried up paint on my palette when i got back and used it for this and look how rich and vibrant that blue is after sitting dried up in storage for three years).

The Secret... Part Two

However like i said, the brilliant thing about watercolour is its affordability and accessibility. Whether you prefer tubes or pans, you’ll probably find something in your price range thats easy to use and gets you the results you want as long as you practice. I have a set of Staedtler student watercolour tubes I haven’t used much yet that I picked up on a student sale ages ago (art stores, especially ones near art schools, sometimes have discounts for students of all ages at the start of the school year). But you know, if you just want to add a pop of colour to a page in your sketchbook and you’re not too worried about something fading, use that old crayola set from kindergarten! I mean it! If you have one around, dig it up and play with it. This is Crayola, and so is this and this and this! Kids paint works a little differently than other paints (and it fades like HELL if you leave it in the sun, so dont hang it on your wall too long), but it’s great for confidence boosting and livening up your sketches (or drawing attention away from sketches you dont want people looking at lol)

PAPER!!!!!!!!!!

You can get away with using dollar store paints to make good watercolour. You can’t get away with using copy paper. If you have to spend money somewhere, spend it on good paper.

Great news: Canson XL Mixed Media sketchbooks are cheap, come in all different sizes, AND THEY ARE AWESOME!!!! There are haters out there (including Quatsch, who much prefers the Strathmore Soft Covered Art Journal). The paper crinkles because it’s not as durable as Actual watercolour paper, but its fantastic for practicing and putting a light wash on other types of drawings. I love it.

Other stuff I use

- INK: Most of my inking has been done with Staedtler Fineliners. These are good quality pens, especially for technical drawing, because you can paint over them no problem, they dont get mutilated by erasing, and they draw crisp straight lines. However, they don’t angle or turn corners super naturally like a Fabercastell might, even if they are more durable and leave stronger marks. I only just started using Sakura Microns (which I’ve coveted for a long time) and as long as you are gentle with them, I think they’re the best of both worlds.

- TEXTURE: You’ll notice a lot of my art has pencil crayon (CoLoReD PEnCiLs, sorry Americans) on top because i like to beef up the colour and detail. You can use pretty much any kind for this, but I use Laurentians which sadly are no longer produced even though they were THE staple, default pencil crayon brand for Decades in Canadian schools. If you’re lucky enough to find any, hold on to them!

- WHITE: Uniball signo white gel pen babyyyyyyyy

- BRUSHES: I don’t... know, i got my acrylic brushes from high school and I just pick up a watercolour brush or four whenever I feel the need, you can’t really go wrong here. I use waterbrushes for travel which are good as long as you keep them clean (because stagnant water Will go mouldy so don’t leave it in there)

- OTHER: When I get tea from a take out place I sometimes save a paper cup or two and wash them out after i finish, they’re handy for water. I also use glass jars for pesto that I’ve cleaned out because the lids make them easier to sneak into school xD Use one for clean water and one for dirty water P L ea Se

GO FORTH AND CREATE!!!!!!!! Especially now that there’s more hours of sunlight, it’s night to sit outside or in a window and do some painting.

#hapo replies #this took me like a whole hour to write i got excited #art reference #watercolour #art advice #roniebuttercups #IM SORRY MY PALETTE IS SO GROSS IT LITERALLY HAS MY HAIR STUCK IN IT

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mor-beck-more-problems · 4 years ago

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Dead-ication || Morgan & Grace

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @silveraccent & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Grace and Morgan just want to bake pie and be okay, but you can’t always get what you want.

CONTAINS: discussion of a car accident

Grace sat in her car, the buzz of the steering wheel still sending electricity through her fingertips. The sound of the engine settling into silence was barely recognizable. She reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she stared at the house. Morgan had invited her over, and while Grace had appreciated the concern and newfound… friendship, she still felt awkward imposing on somebody else’s time. Still, she had been invited, and it would be rude to decline such a thing as baking together. She finally got out of her car, the bitter cold burrowing into her bones as soon as she stepped out. Grace looked up to the house, her nerves suddenly growing. She had been absent lately, taking more time for herself-- but after Kaden had explained that Morgan helped with a lot of the pies that he passed around, she felt slightly more inclined to trust her. Grace pulled her phone out of her pocket, texting Morgan that she had arrived. There was doubt and embarrassment pooling in the pit of her stomach now. She looked down at the dead grass beneath her shoes, stubbing her toe against it.

Morgan ambled out of the studio in her puffer jacket, nudging the fresh snow on the grass with her boots as she crossed the garden to meet Grace. She didn’t know if she was playing human-in-the-cold right, but the faint prickle of snow on her hands was the closest thing she had to feeling anything, and she wouldn’t give it up even for appearances in single-digit temperatures. “Hey!” She called, waving to Grace as she came out of the side gate. She beamed, relieved to have some new company. “Come back through the garden with me, I’ve got a new workspace set up, and there’s just barely enough room for trying out something I found online: cherry and pecan pie, with a chocolate glaze. It’s either going to be the most amazing thing I’ve attempted or the worst.” She draped an arm around Grace and started ushering her toward the blue cottage studio, having just enough sense to keep from loitering in the cold.

Morgan’s voice was loud enough for Grace to be pulled from her thoughts. She looked up from the grass and let a smile pull at the corners of her lips. She wasn’t sure where she and Morgan landed in the grand scheme of things-- pies or not, Grace had cried and unfolded in front of her while she was a stranger, and even Grace knew it was hard to break that kind of bond. “Oh, okay!” She followed Morgan’s directions, leading after her closely, leaning into the woman’s touch when she draped an arm over her shoulder. “That sounds…” Grace wanted to be optimistic so instead of saying what she thought, she simply nodded, “good, if you do it the right way.” She looked towards the cottage, “that’s really cute-- but--” She looked towards the larger house, deciding not to ask questions. “How have you been?” She asked instead, ducking in through the doorway, taking off her shoes.

Morgan caught the dip in Grace’s voice. Her smile tightened as she led her across the garden and into the small building where she now devoted a few hours of each day, and sometimes more, to rebuilding a world of her own. “Okay, yes, there is a perfectly good, roomy kitchen in the house, but I am really desperate to break in the oven in here. I have a lot of pie-themed aspirations, and the sooner I get started the better, right?” She opened the door and hopped inside, holding it open for Grace as she welcomed her into the space. “I’ve been good!” She said, a little too brightly, even to her own ears. “Busy, kind of? But mostly good! It really does feel like a whole new time. How about you, Grace?”

“That’s… true.” Grace offered Morgan another smile, this time a bit more heartfelt. Despite not being able to feel anything off of the woman, she could tell there was something genuine in her, if not a bit sad. Though, she had suspected that was likely for all of White Crest’s residents. “It’s very cute,” she admitted as she looked around. The cabinets were low for either of them to reach-- more than she could say for her own apartment. It looked like something out of a story book. “Busy isn’t a bad thing,” she said. She kept busy mostly to keep her mind off of other things. “Better.” Better than the last time we met. Grace tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she ventured further towards the kitchen. She wasn’t sure if she should address the elephant in the room, that the last time they had talked, or even met, Grace had been full of tears and self-depreciation. Now, there were no tears. “Excited about um, the pie?” She smiled faintly.

“You know, I guess that’s true!” Morgan conceded, her voice a little off key. Grace was right, in general, but Morgan had been busy saying goodbye to her closest friends, botching opportunities to make new ones, pulling her sense of self back together again, and grieving the destruction her midlife angst had wrought on the town. It wasn’t a kind of busy she relished in, but making a pie was supposed to change that. “Better is good,” she said, a reminder to them both. “I was a little worried for you there, for a second.” She knelt down and fetched the bowls and tins they would need, then picked through the small fridge. There was only space for them both with Grace on the other side of the counter and one of the bar stools used to rest the items they weren’t using. It reminded Morgan of the studio apartments she used to live in full time back in Houston and the desperate contortions she’d put herself through to get her books out of their cabinets and squeeze something that was almost a life together.

Morgan pushed the thought out of her head. “Anyway, I am actually excited. If you want, you can get going on the crust and catch me up? I wouldn’t mind hearing some good news out of this place for a change.”

Grace let her gaze remain on Morgan a beat of a second too long, still unsure of why she couldn’t feel anything. As for others, it was faint, but from Morgan, she received nothing. She folded her arms across her chest and watched as Morgan began to work at collecting their supplies. She felt awkward, not knowing what to do. “There really wasn’t a reason to be, I was just…” Devastated? Angry? Scared? “I mean, you know how it is.” Grace dropped her arms to her side, a nervous laugh escaping her. It’d be her luck that Morgan would know she was full of shit. She glanced down at the ring. Anxiety. But something yellow-- or maybe orange, began to peek through. She couldn’t be sure what it was, so she pulled her gaze back to look at the contents of Morgan’s cabinets and fridge beginning to make an appearance on her counter.

She finally took a step forward and stood just next to Morgan. “Um, yeah--” She looked down at the ingredients. She had made pie once or twice, but the crusts typically came in plastic, already made. “Sure.” She forced confidence in the word before she started incorporating the proper ingredients. Morgan wanted good news. Grace wasn’t sure if she had any-- at least, not exceptionally good news. “Work is better,” she said after a moment, glancing over at Morgan as she worked. Except for the fact that Cece was now gone and Regan was still not speaking to her. “Uh… I’m thinking of getting a rat?” She offered with a laugh, “Kaden and I watched Ratatouille, he mentioned that they have some up for adoption.”

Morgan took in Grace’s words silently. “I--think I do. Though I’m not sure what that means. I am sorry, you know. About Cece. I was there when she, um, had to go. I can tell you she really didn’t want to.” Although thats really wasn’t much in the way of comfort. To Morgan, that just made the situation that much more painful and unfair. “But I’m glad work is better.”

She managed a small laugh at the mention of Ratatouille, imagining Kaden making faces at the screen and silently critiquing the depictions of French people. “A pet rat, huh? Well, they’ll definitely have plenty of space around wherever you live. I hear some of them can be pretty friendly. But they have a short lifespan, I think. But then again, nothing on this world is truly stagnant. I’m sure you’d give one a really nice life.” She fell into blending her wet ingredients as she spoke this, eyes glazing as she watched the stand mixer do its work. It was the little things that you kept going for, she reminded herself. Especially if one of those little things was yourself.

Morgan’s mention of Cece made Grace freeze momentarily. her fingers twitched around the egg that she held in her hand. “Yeah, I--” She reached up with her free hand and pressed her fingers into her temple. “I’m sorry, but is it okay if we don’t… talk about that?” She offered Morgan an apologetic smile, “I just-- it was a lot.” It should’ve been easy to say goodbye to a co-worker, but at the morgue, Cece had been the only thing keeping Grace from falling apart. Now, it seemed like every turn she made, shivers ran down her spine and there was always anxiety in her gut.

Grace forced herself to relax and began working on the crust again. “Oh, yeah-- he was… perplexed about the whole uh, cooking thing.” She remembered Kaden’s face after his realization that the rat had been the chef all along and it brought a smile to her face. “I have a fish, but it’d be nice to have something I can sort of hangout with.” The right answer would be either a dog or a cat, but she felt her building was filled with so many of those already. Plus, a rat wouldn’t require as much attention as a dog. “I’ve been looking up these really big enclosures for them…” Grace’s lips twitched slightly into a frown at Morgan’s words. She couldn’t get a read on her, or why the conversation had turned slightly to the dark side. After a moment, she paused, “is everything okay?” She didn’t want to pry, didn’t want to get involved in something that didn’t concern her, but something told Grace she needed to ask the question.

Morgan winced at Grace’s aversion to discussing Cece. “Of course. I’m sorry.” As much as she intuited some commonalities in their pain, the way they coped with it was different, and she wasn’t much of anyone to the girl, just someone who had accidentally happened upon her during an emotional crisis. They should talk about other things. Better things. Literally-anything-but-that things. “Hanging out, yeah! Quality time is really special with an animal. I love it when the cats wander over just to watch or sit on me while I try to work around them. Moira’s getting kind of big for riding on my shoulder, but she doesn’t seem to understand that.” She added the egg to her bowl and when that was done, the cherries. Just in time for Grace to ask her what was wrong.

“Oh, yeah! I’m good. I’m sorry I’m being so--nosy, I guess. Maybe there’s something to be said about starting with small talk and pseudo-interview questions when you first meet someone. But really, there’s been a lot of changes, but most of it’s been really good!”

“No, it’s okay.” Grace offered her a reassuring smile. “It’s just… I’m trying to not really think about it.” She should and she knew it. Ignoring the pain Cece’s departure had brought wasn’t the right thing to do and she knew it, but being alone with Morgan made it impossible not to focus on her own feelings, especially because Morgan’s were absent. She fidgeted with the startings of the dough, not wanting to overwork it. “How long should we chill this?” She asked as she looked over at the brunette, her smile still intact.

“And no, it’s okay-- it’s normal to ask questions, right?” Their first meeting had been… different than any other meeting that Grace had had in White Crest. In fact, all of the people she had met had been different. At first, she was embarrassed by Morgan’s first impression of her, but there hadn’t been any point in allowing it to entirely encroach what could be a solid friendship. It had taken some time to get used to the idea, but she was there now, standing beside her, attempting to bake a pie. “Good changes,” Grace nodded along, “that’s good-- I’m glad things are good.” Grace chewed on the inside of her cheek.

Morgan continued to work the blender, allowing herself to fall into the hypnotic accomplishment of seeing raw ingredients turn into something meaningful, even beautiful after a little mundane alchemy. She switched out the attachments and started adding in the fillings. It wouldn’t take long for everything to get folded in properly. “I’ll set a timer for thirty minutes,” she murmured distractedly, tapping the numbers into her phone. With nothing much else to do, Morgan watched the batter fold. Something was wrong, off. Not with the recipe but with them. Not the strangest thing in the world, given both of their tendency toward worry and overthinking, but it was too much for Morgan to bear silently. The last thing she wanted was to keep Grace hostage in her bad company. “Okay, I’m just gonna come out and say it,” she said. “This is weird. I don’t know if it’s because things aren’t actually that fine, or if I’m being weird, or the place is making you claustrophobic, but there’s something, right? I’m not just imagining it?”

Grace stopped kneading the dough and nodded at Morgan’s instruction of 30 minutes. She grabbed the clean towel from the side and draped it over the bowl. She knew to put it in the fridge, or at least that’s what she hoped needed to be done. Would the cold butter turn chunky? No, she had worked that through, right? Distracted, Grace doesn’t quite hear Morgan’s question. Eyebrows furrowed, Grace stops in her tracks, the bowl of dough still in her hands. “Wait, what?” Could Morgan read her? Was that why Grace couldn’t get a read? If two empaths-- No, that didn’t make sense. She and her grandmother could read each other. She fiddled with the towel, her thumbs tugging it down, closer to her palms. “I don’t--” Grace took a deep breath, “it’s not you-- it’s just--” She recalled their online conversation, about how they were both something, and Grace wondered if it was time to come out and say it, to explain that no, there was nothing wrong with them, it was just confusion and anxiety on Grace’s part. After she put the dough into the fridge, she turned around and wrung her hands together, nails digging into her palms to create crescent moons. “Do you remember the conversation we had? Online? It was a while ago.” She paused, “about us being something? Both of us?”

Morgan resisted the impulse to double over with relief. “Yes! I do! Oh, stars, come here, Grace. Let’s sit, okay?” She led the girl over to the main area where there were floor pillows, a day bed, and a desk chair to choose from. Morgan chose the pillowy corner of the bed, if only because it meant scooping up Anya, who had snuck in with her usual silence, and squeezing in a moment or two of time with her. The black cat squinted at her, quietly affronted, but as Morgan settled, Anya marched along her legs and scraped the side of her face along the zombie’s hand and arm. “This seems like more of a sit down kind of talk, and before you say whatever, I want to assure you that you have my total confidence. Nothing you say will leave this room if you don’t want it to, okay?”

Though Grace couldn’t feel it, she could see the relief flood to Morgan’s face. Or, at least, that's what she thought it was. At Morgan’s insistence that she take a seat, she followed her to the seating area, opting for the desk chair. She took it out from its nook carefully, sitting down. Her hands in her lap, Grace pressed her nails into her palms and looked up as Morgan spoke. She regarded the cat lightly, watching the way it ran its head into Morgan’s arm. “Oh.” She blinked, “I mean, if it does--” She wasn’t sure if anything would happen if more people knew about it. Before White Crest, she kept it to herself mostly because she was afraid she’d be seen as a freak. In White Crest, she kept it as a secret because she was worried she’d be regarded as some kind of spy-- as if she were invasive. “Sure.” She smiled instead. She watched the black cat’s tail flick back and forth before looking back up to meet Morgan’s eyes. “It’s not really anything big.” Not like Nell, not like Regan. It’s not important, Grace wants to say. “But it has me…” She chewed the inside of her cheek, “wondering.” She admitted, feeling heat come to her cheeks. “What you are.” It sounded harsh and she winced, “I--” She might as well come out with it, “I can feel… people, their emotions.” She shifted in the chair, “but I can’t feel you.”

Morgan’s first reaction was, is that all? Wasn’t carrying a sense of other people’s feelings a good thing? Something the world needed more of? But Grace’s distress was as real as her embarrassment, so maybe Morgan didn’t understand how that all worked well enough. It probably made crowds overstimulating, at least. But then Grace finished and Morgan tensed, enough that Anya sensed it, glowered, and leapt to the floor to find something better to do.

“Oh.” Was all Morgan could think to say. It was the limits of human magic all over again. She was never allowed to forget about them for long, no matter how much she tried to build up her own limited connections to the world. “That must be...I can see how that might be distressing.” She searched for more words. Tepid silence soured the space between them. “You know it’s not you, right? The reason your power doesn’t work on me. You’re not sick or anything. It’s me.”

Grace watched as the cat skittered across the floor, its paws closing around a toy that resembled a mouse, but was blue in color. She looked back up to meet Morgan’s gaze as she began to speak. Even though she couldn’t feel her, she could see on her face that there was something there-- was it unease? Grace had been good at reading facial expressions, but she also noticed that Morgan had excelled at not giving much away. She ran her fingers through her hair, her hand coming to a stop at her ear where she began to fiddle with her earring. When Morgan finally explained that it wasn’t Grace, but whatever it was that she was, her eyebrows furrowed. She wasn’t sure how that could be the case. “What do you mean?” Grace asked as she dropped her hand into her lap, the flower dusting her black skirt. She wiped it away idly, dropping her gaze. “Do you have some kind of protection from it?” She wondered if that was even possible, but there had been a lot to surprise her about the world she was now in.

Morgan couldn’t stop herself from snorting bitterly. “Never thought of it that way. I mean, I am immune to pretty much all kinds of human magic, including yours, I guess. But considering I used to be a witch, that doesn’t usually feel like a form of protection.” Morgan stilled and exhaled slowly. The root of that hurt was still in her, no matter how she pulled and cut at the stem in her mediations. She was starting to wonder if it would stay in her chest for the rest of her long days. “But this fact about my body, my energy, has saved me a couple of times.” Briefly, she considered simply telling grace what had happened. Just the truth, almost nine months ago on April 20th, she was standing on the sidewalk on Main Street getting ice cream with her best friend, and then she wasn’t. She was on the ground, and she bled out there and died there and on April 21st she woke up for the last time. Because her best friend was a zombie, and they didn’t want to watch another person they loved die for good. Morgan swallowed thickly, “This might be a terrible idea...” she muttered. It had certainly backfired with Dakota. “But would you please take my wrist, Grace? You know how to check for a pulse, right? You know the difference between a slow one or a faint one, right? And at the morgue, you know what a corpse with no pulse at all feels like, right?”

Used to be. Grace focused on those words. Was it possible for somebody to lose their powers? Morgan kept saying human, so did that mean…? Grace thought for a moment, attempting to understand what Morgan was trying to imply. She had a look of thought on her face, as if she were reliving something-- maybe the reasoning? Grace hadn’t realized that all of her life, she had checked to ensure that the emotions she felt from others matched their body language. Grace fiddled with the hem of her skirt, bunching the pleats together. Morgan’s question caught her off guard, and she looked up to meet the brunette’s eyes. Her gaze fell down to her wrist, outstretched. Grace felt something in the pit of her stomach, and her throat suddenly grew dry. Whatever it was Morgan was implying, Grace wasn’t sure she liked it. Still, she had to give Morgan the benefit of the doubt-- allow her to explain herself. Grace slid out of the chair, closing the distance between herself and Morgan and tentatively reached out to touch her fingers to the woman’s wrist. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and pressed her fingers down. The absence of a pulse was noticeable, and though Grace didn’t often worry about people being brought into the morgue who weren’t actually alive, she knew to look for one all the same. Fear and confusion coiled in the pit of Grace’s stomach and she snapped her hand back, holding it to the center of her chest. “You don’t…” She swallowed thickly, “you don’t have one.” She looked up to meet Morgan’s gaze, eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”

“Because almost nine months ago, I was getting ice cream with a friend and found myself in a fatal accident a few seconds later. But my friend saved me, with magic of their own.” Morgan spoke softly and evenly. No alarm, and, as far as she could help it, no emotion. She didn’t want to go to pieces like she had after Dakota ran away from the museum. These things simply were; they didn’t need her to cut through them and feel that fresh darkness all over again. She unsnapped the leather cuff she wore to cover Remmy’s bite mark and showed it to Grace. “My body is, in most ways, dead. And the way I was taught it, human magic needs the current of life in order to connect with the universe. I’m outside of that now, so your magic can’t reach me. I’m held together and talking to you because of the magic of the undead. And really strong zombie antidepressants.” She gave a wet laugh, hoping to diffuse the tension, but her faith in the gesture was minimal and she did not bring her eyes up to read Grace’s expression. “I understand if you want to go. It’s a lot. Please don’t feel like you have to come up with an excuse,” she added.

Grace stood still in front of Morgan, the sound of her own heart that much louder in her ears. The lack of Morgan’s pulse was evidence enough that she was telling the truth. Why would she lie? Because Grace wouldn’t be able to tell? She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, the uneasiness growing in her stomach. It made her skin crawl. The way Morgan shifted made Grace jump slightly and she watched as the brunette pulled away a piece of fabric. A bite mark stared up at her, and though she could hear Morgan’s explanation, she wasn’t sure if she could make sense of it. Grace was silent for longer than she would have liked to have been. Morgan had proven to be nothing but kind to her, even on their first meeting when Grace had been a mess. She stared down at the bite, and she felt that the longer she looked at it, the more it felt unreal. Grace didn’t look up until she spoke again. “I don’t...” She took a step back. The bite was real and her inability to feel Morgan was real-- the lack of pulse, too. She ran a hand over her face and backed up against the wall, leveling her gaze with Morgan. “I’m sorry, I don’t--” She wasn’t sure she could comprehend what was happening. Accepting that Regan had been a banshee had been easy, and so had accepting Nell as a witch, but this? Morgan was saying she was undead, a lifeless individual, but she was so full of life, so how could that be? Grace swallowed back the bile that rose in her throat and she glanced towards the kitchen, the ingredients for the pie that wouldn’t be made scattered across the countertop. “I’m sorry, I just.. I think-- I think I need a moment.” Morgan didn’t deserve silence or ignorance. She deserved kindness, but Grace was afraid that she’d show more fear than anything else in this moment. “I should go, I’m-- I’m so sorry.” She headed towards the door, her heart pounding in her ears as she collected her shoes. She wanted to stay, wanted to tell Morgan that she didn’t think any differently, but that wasn’t necessarily true. Grace was afraid. For the first time, she was rightfully afraid, and why? Morgan had done nothing but express kindness to her, but even for Grace, there was only so much she could handle.

Morgan nodded mutely and kept her gaze fixed out one of the many windows at her prickly bushel of witch hazel growing out of the frost as Grace stumbled away in fear. It was said that the herb had the power to heal almost anything, even a broken heart; that you could take the branches and use them to douse for water, or the way home with the right enchantment. But Morgan had taken enough herbs apart and put them back together to know better. Some pains couldn’t be escaped and some detours needed to be traveled and endured. “It’s okay,” she said softly, trying to soothe herself even more than Grace. “You can go. I’ll finish up here.” She held herself, shivering even though she was beyond alive concepts like ‘hot’ or ‘cold.’ She kept her eyes on that bushel of witch hazel for a long time, until the timer on her phone went off and she marched herself back into the kitchenette to finish the pie. There were no such things in this world as magical cure-alls or salves for fear, or grief. But stars above, sometimes Morgan wished there were.

#deadication #wr grace #wr chatzy #wr grace chatzy #car accident tw #wickedswriting

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thekingofwinterblog · 5 years ago

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Game Freak, Stagnation, Luck and the Refusal to Change

Its Amazing how much fucking grief Game Freak could easily have avoided if they simply said it would take a few months post launch to impliment all pokemon.

No one would have given a shit, they would have gotten away with halfassing everything else, having the A Team working on a game no one asked for, they could take their time, and all the hype would have remained at the top of the world.

Then again if they did that, it would have required actual work, and maybe expanding the company. And God forbid they actually invest any of those billions of Dollars they have earned over the Years.

Amongst all of Nintendo’s teams and Secondary companies, Game Freak is the most stagnant, and that can in Large part be contributed to their immense success. they started with around 150 people, and they currently have around 150 people. They have Stubbornly refused to expand the rooster over the year, despite the fact that they Struck gold better than literarly any other Company in the Game industry.

This in turn Lead to the Company growing stagnant, not innovating, and in general not really going foreward nearly as much as other companies.

There is a question to be made though. Was it always this way? Before this whole debacle i used to think that Game Freak used to be this amazing innovative company, that managed to score an amazing hit and pushed that for all its worth.

However after digging deeper ive kinda begun to question that at all. or Rather ive come to realise that Game Freak is a good example of how a company needs input from other sources for it to not fall into decadence, and that sometimes you need someone to come along and give you a few suggestions. Or a kick in the ass, as they need in Newer times

----GENERATION 1----

Going back all the Way to Red and Green, Nintendo gave what was quite possibly the first Mandate it Ever gave for the Pokemon franchise. This demand? Add PVP to the Game. Thats right, originally Game Freak didnt want to add PVP whatsoever. Given how Game Freak now wishes to fuck over the competitive scene permanently, the fact that they never originally didnt want to have players battle at all should not come as a great suprise.

Withouth this one feature, it seems unlikely pokemon would have been as big a hit as it became. Maybe it would have been added in the Blue and yellow versions and have been in all international releases, but this is by no means certain. Player against players would have come eventually no doubt, but its fully possible that left entierly to their own devices, Game Freak would not have implemented this feature before Gold and Silver.

How big this would have impacted the franchise in both short and long term is impossible to say, but it certainly would have drastically reduced the long term gameplay of the first Game by quite a lot.

however, i should note that im not arguing that Game Freak did not work hard for Red and Green. they did, and they worked on it to the point that right before it was released, Mew was secretly added to the game under Nintendo’s noses. but it sets the Stage for Game Freak often not implimenting the obvious, or not going out of their way to add stuff beyond their original vision of the game.

Setting the stage, we get to the first truely innovative pokemon Game. Pokemon Stadium. And as we’ll see over the course of this retrospective, the Innovative games, is not the ones made by Game Freak themselves, but instead Other companies. In this case Nintendo themselves, Hal Labratory, and its Brilliant leader Satoru Iwata, a man who as we’ll see created half of Pokemon Gold and Silver singlehandedly.

Iwata began his involvement in Pokemon History in Great Style. By taking a look at the pokemon Battle system, and memorising it withouth Code or notes. that might not seem that impressive, but he then went on to create the entire Battle System of Pokemon Stadium exclusively from his own memories, and amazingly enough he would fix things which Game Freak had fucked up in its first outing, like Focus Energy actually working and a number of other smaller mistakes Game Freak had Made being fixed for Stadium.

Stadium Would Then go on to create Pokemon Models that would be used all the way to the third Generation, where the Orre Games would simply ugrade them.

Another innovative feature was to unlock a Game Mode which let you speed up your Game Boy Game while playing it on the stadium. An Amazing tool for anyone who wants to Grind, and a really good reward for anyone who put the effort into unlocking it.

Stadium is by no means a Perfect Game. but it Set the tone for it being the Other companies Nintendo Employes being the truely innovative game makers in regards to pokemon. Iwata in particular being a truly important figure for the second Generation of Pokemon Games.

So after the golden Ticket that Game Freak had in the Original Red and Green, you would expect them to heavily invest them into making sure that when the sequels rolled around, they would have everything in place, a bigger more experienced team, and all the resources they would need to get the Second Games rolling. If you had this expectation, the actual development is actually quite a sad affair.

----GENERATION 2----

Now there was an obstacle which wasnt their fault at all, which was the game boy colour. Given its sudden and unexpected release, Game Freak now had to Port the second generation Games so they would work on both the original Game Boy and the New Version. that would have been a daunting task, but if the development was going well to begin with, they would propbably have pulled it off.

that however was not the case. Long story short, the Games were a complete Mess, they had a hundred ideas, but There seems to have been no hard leader who would wrangle them in line and decide what to cut and not cut. and as the first Release Date which they would delay another year began to creep closer, they had come to a point where they neared the end of the Capacity of the Game Boys Cartridge power to handle. yet they were only halfway through the development. It reads like an eerily similar Development which Anthem would go through around 2 decades later.

So, what happened? why did the Second Pokemon Generation not end up as a dysmal failure? the Answer is Satoru Iwata. at this Point the Brilliant Future president of Nintendo Stepped in to save the day, and he Decompressed the entire work the team had done, to such a degree that they unexpectedly had so much extra space that they decided to just port Kanto over to the newer Games.

To put it bluntly, Game Freak was about to Completely Blow it, and was only saved thanks to the genius of a single man they only had access to thanks to their bosses at nintendo.

in other words, Pure Luck and chance.

Between gold and silver, and the third generation there was Crystal and pokemon Stadium 2. Crystal very much reads like a game where game freak had more breathing room to just impliment the ideas they originally had for Gold and Silver, and while not the most expansive third Game, it certainly was a step in the Right Direction. Stadium 2, was not created by iwara, and feels more like a game where the team from the previous Game just polished up the old stuff and added more pokemon. and there is nothing wrong with that. at least they gave and delivered on the expansion of new pokemon which this update promised. i mean, its not like Game Freak would be forced to cut features from gold and Silver for their next games right?

----GENERATION 3----

Generation 3 was, and probably is the most divisive released generation of Pokemon at the time of this writing. there are a lot of Reasons for this. the first and most obvious reason, was that there was no way to port over all the pokemon from generation 1 and 2, but unlike the newest development in sword and shield, there was actual Mechanical reasons for it, as well as a generally overhaul of the way stats and mechanics worked. More Glaring is the the fact that this was the most difficult set of pokemon games Game Freak ever worked on. which shouldnt be a suprise. it was entierly now hardware after all.

Junichi Masuda famously worked himself to the abslute brink while doing work on the game, and up to the very release date he had nightmares about them completely failing and bombing. this did not happen of course. Ruby and Sapphire were great Games, even if they did miss a lot of pokemon, didnt have the day and night cycles(or at least not as obvious ones) and had completely scrapped the idea of Online capability which Crystal had dipped its toes in.

However commendable how much crunch and work the workstaff over at Game Freak were willing to put themselves through for Generation 3, one cannot help but wonder, if the entire Development hell couldnt simply have been avoided if they had hired maybe a hundred new people to work on the third generation. after all, the limited manpower undoubtedly contributed to the hell that was the development of Gold and Silver. surely they would have learned from those mistakes and prepared for the next round right? what with the billions they had made from all the pokemon sales, they surely could have afforded it. but they did not. in fact, not only did they not learn anything in regards to the limited manpower they had for Gold and Silver, but they would in fact not learn it from this debacle either. nor would they ever.

After the whole not all pokemon being a thing in Ruby and sapphire, the next few games entire role for existing would be to rectify this, and to game freaks credit, they laid the ground work for this from the beginning, by making sure that a national dex existed in the game which would be unlocked if you transferred over older pokemon that didnt exist in hoenn.

Game Freak themselves then did the remakes of Firered and Leafgreen, which are great games in their own right, but as far as innovation goes, i dont think anyone would argue that they were revolutionary in any way.

instead we turn our eye to another Game, Pokemon Colosseum for the Gamecube, the little Lunchbox that almost could. Pokemon Colosseum was made by Genius Sonority, a VERY small company owned by nintendo and The Pokemon Company. as of this writing, they have around 20 employees, dwarfed by even the modest 140-150 employees Game Freak has. they would be the first to actually challenge Game Freak as Makers of pokemon games.

Colosseum is a truly experimental pokemon game, from the way you catch pokemon, to its protagonist, to its actual difficulty. but in my opinion the thing that makes the game so much different than any other game in the franchise is its sense of idendity. its very different than any other game in the series, being in general rather dark in many ways, with a protagonist that used to be a thief which dealt with stolen pokemon, the mechanics of actually having to steal pokemon to save them from what was done to them, and an unfliching difficulty where the game was not afraid of not pulling its punches. all goes to make it a rather unique pokemon experience.

Sadly, Colosseum was not to reach true mainstream success. while it did the job of filling in the pokemon not covered by Either sapphire and ruby, nor Firered and Leafgreen, this limited array of pokemon had its price. while it was certainly not a failure by any means, and sold well, there is no denying that it simply didnt sell better, nor nearly as well as the regular pokemon games. thus Game Freak did not need to take notice of it. never the less, it was the first challenge to Game Freaks status as the main Creators of pokemon Games. it would take a while before a new contender would arise to credibly challenge them for the throne.

after colosseum, there was pokemon emerald and XD:Gale of Darkness, the sequel to collosseum. Emerald very much feels like crystal. A game where Game Freak got to take it a bit easier and add some stuff they had planned for Sapphire and Ruby, but had to scratch. the fact that they did not add day and night cycles, boggles the mind, but it would probably have been to much work. XD was a good game in its own right, but it simply lacked a lot of what made Colusseum work so well. it very much feels more like a mainstream pokemon game on the big screen, instead of a sequel to probably the game with the most unique idendity in the franchise. it also adds very little new gameplay vise.

after xd and emerald there were no other pokemon Games which werent spin offs in their own sub franchise, like Pokemon Mystery dungeon, before generation 4. which for once didnt have any major problems.

----GENERATION 4----

Generation 4 was a turning point in many ways, but not for the better. it was the first Generation which was developed withouth major problems, except a small delay to put the finishing touches on the game. some might say that is a big development mistep, but i would have said that in a vacum, this would be fine. if this had simply been the only time Game Freak had a bit of time problems, there would be nothing to complain about here. however, taken in context of the history of Game Freak as a whole, the major problem that Game Freak refuses to Expand, despite the fact that their situation very much demands they do so, rings very true here.

other than this small delay though, Generation 4 came along with no hickups. it was critically loved, it was a sales success, and in general was just a great sucess. the problem is that by now, Game Freak had discovered a way of doing things, and as far as they were concerned it worked. Diamond and Pearl being the first time they didnt have an existensial crisis developing a new generation. now the good about this is that they generally did a good job. Gen 4 is just good all around.

innovation vise though, its probably the least impressive of all the generations. unlike gen 2 and 3 it didnt introduce any new types, unlike gen 3 it didnt introduce entierly new ways of battling, and unlike generation 5 it didnt make a ridiculous leap in animation, very much sticking to the old way of doing sprites with just a bit more power.

this was in hindsight a very bad thing, because the great success of Gen 4 established a pattern that would repeat itself over time. namely the lack of innovation to things such as story, character, the way you progressed through the game. everything that was in gen 4 in this regard it had all been established in generation 1-3. The gym system was from gen 1. the evil team also dates back to gen 1, with their grandiose plans being a thing established in gen 3. the post game was established in gen 3 mostly and a bit in gen 2. safari zone from gen 1. casino from gen 1. the event pokemon system(probably the worst mechanic in the franchise) had also not changed much at all, with gen 1 being where it became a mix of pokemon you simply could not capture, and those you needed special items to capture.

in this Light gen 4 is where the pattern really established itself. it might not have been the ones who invented anything going foreward, but it was the ones that hammered out how things would work in almost all games going foreward.

after Diamond and pearl, the next non game freak game to try and contend with the mainstream ones was Battle Revolution, which was a failure of such proportions that it killed the very idea of ever there being more colosseum or stadium type games. the Game Freak Dominance stayed supreme.

following Diamond and Pearl, there was the third game, and remakes. pretty much the same story as the previous time, third game being the first two but better, while the remakes are great games in their own right, but not immensly innovative.

----GENERATION 5----

generation 5 was in many ways a geniune innovative attempt at remaking the franchise. it was also a game that unknowlingly or not, tried to establish itself as a type of successor to Colloseum, but which did not quite pull it off. while the game has an actually good story, it still didnt quite manage to divest itself from the regular pokemon formula the way Colosseum did. while the story was better well told, it was still when it came down to it, just the same beats as the two previous generations.

the big difference of course was N, the most compelling villain in the games so far. he managed to give the game a lot of grandiose which the two previous sets of leaders lacked. unfortunatly, him alone was not quite enough to make the story stand out from all the rest. it was however a great sign of innovation on Game Freaks Part, and it goes to show that at this point there was still a spark in actually wanting to improve the games fundamentals.

going along with a better story, there was also the jump to actually moving sprites, which in my opinion was the best the combat of Pokemon has ever looked. just having the sprites move and the camera being a bit more dynamic made the battles far more alive than any previous mainstream game.

not everything can be a sucess though, and as we see in the triple and rotation based battle, there were also some new concepts which simply didnt work nearly as well as intended. There was also the removal of Contests, which had always been a bit problematic, but rather than trying to fix it, Game Freak instead opted to remove it entierly. this fate would later befall the much better implemented mega Evolutions, but the pattern was already there.

after the Failure of battle revolution, no alternative to Game Freak created Games would arise this generation, which mean that the next games in the series would be the only other core RPG games for the generation. Black and White 2.

Much and more can be said of black and White 2. for one thing, it was a very good sequel to a very good game. it built upon the plot of the previous games, sold well, and while not that innovative in gameplay, none of the third games before it was such, so why should this one be critiqued for that when none of they were?

unfortunatly, this streak would not continue with the next games in the franchise. X and Y.

----GENERATION 6----

now i want to make some things clear. i like X and Y. but other than one single element, and a graphical update, it was probably the generation with the least innovation in story, character, plot and general idendity.

the biggest change was of course Mega Evolution, probably the biggest and best change since double battles. it was a game play mechanic which completely altered the way the game played, both in singles and doubles, as well as breathing new life into many old pokemon.

other than that, there was the jump to full 3d, which was okay, and the game looked nice, as well as being the first game to let you customize your trainer(though not to insane degrees, generally only clothes, hairstyles and color) made the game look far better overall(though i still prefere gen 5′s more dynamic combat.

unfortunatly, that is where the innovation ends. because pretty much everything else is pretty much rehash of older games.

the evil team is as generic as possible. the main villain is the same as gen 3′s villains, just with a different solution. the plot is pretty much the same as gen 3 and 4. the league mechanics arent different at all from what had come before. the Game traded the 2 interesting rivals from gen 5 for a whole entourage of generic characters who all supposedly served as your rival. the only truly interesting part of the plot was AZ, a character that was criminally underused, despite a really interesting backstory.

all in all, despite a huge change in gameplay generation 6 is probably as “standard” a pokemon game as there has ever been. following afte X and Y, there would be no third version, a first in pokemon(if one counts white and black 2) but there would be remakes, which as ive said about its predessesors, were good games in their own right, but not terribly innovative(other than having better flying than any game that came before it.). after that however, there were no other major games until the seventh generation.

----GENERATION 7 and Onwards----

there is so much good to say about generation 7 that im generally not gonna delve into it here. what i will focus on, is that what made generation 7 so innovative, was that it pretty much just took the standard pokemon guidebook, and threw it out the window, for better or worse. this has lead to a game that is truely different than the previous games, but also not quite a true successor to them. this is probably best shown in that generation 8 didnt want to follow up on the direction 7 put foreward, and instead went back to the older style.

this is not to say that generation 8 was bad by any means, but that it was never going to be the next step. it was an experiment to see how far you could stretch the boundary of the mainstream pokemon games away fromt he standard, and while it had elements that should have carried on over, it was never gonna be the definite way pokemon games would go foreward.

so after such a drastic change of pace, we only have to ask one simple question. WHAT. THE. HELL. HAPPENED?

after Sun and moon was released, the follow up was Ultra sun and moon, which was just the previous game with slight changes. it was for all intents and purposes a reskin. no third version even comes close to how much a cash grab it was.

so what the hell happened after the release of sun and moon? two words. Pokemon GO.

Pokemon Go was the first real challenge to Game Freaks exclusivity over the mainstream Pokemon RPG experience since colosseum way over a decade ago, and to say it was a bit more successful, would be like saying the mongol empire killed a few people.

Pokemon GO, or rather the way Game Freak has reacted to it, completely changed the way the pokemon franchsie would go foreward. At the time of this Writing, Pokemon GO is responsible for around 5% of the entire pokemon franchise earnings. it is to put it simply, a massive and insane success.

which is what has lead to a massive problem for Game Freak, as they have come to the rather disturbing conclusion that they can be replaced. the success of Pokemon GO has killed the myth that Pokemon Needs game freak to succed going foreward, and the stark realisation that there is literarly nothign stopping nintendo and the Pokemon Company from handing the franchise over to the hands of some other team.

the ownership of pokemon is a complicated mess between nintendo, Creatures INC, the pokemon Company and Game Freak, but the base line, is that nintendo owns it. they can hand over the franchise to any company they want if they so desire.

this is why when the time came for a sequel to sun and moon, the absolute cheapest alternative was taken. because Game Freak needed to move on to other projects.

One would think that this would mean that they would pump all their effort into making the newest Pokemon Games. alas, that is not the case, instead they sent the A Team of Game Freak over to work at an entierly new Game called The Town. this is an insane move, as they are at a critical point in regards to pokemon games going foreward. but when taken from Game Freaks point of view it makes sense. as they are desperate to prove to nintendo that they can in fact make other games than pokemon, and that even if they dont get to make more of them, they are still a valuable company under their umbrella.

again, from a purely business perspective this makes sense. from every other perspective its insane. having an already miniscule manpower pool to draw from, Game Freak cannot afford to majorly split their resources for any single major release. yet that is exactly what they are doing.

Every bad decision taken by game freak in regards to Sword and Shield, every corner cut, every single decision, is to make this game as playable as it can be, with the miniscule amount of probably 70 or so people working on it. hence the lackluster animation, primitive looking trees, load times, the cutting of around 60% of the total amount of pokemon from previous games, the removal of mega evolutions in favor of the much simplier Dynamax.

all to get this game out knowing from experience that as long as its a standard Pokemon Game it will probably be a great success.

this hole however, is entierly their own fault. the one big release a year, could easily have been made drastically easier, if they hired a hundred people and made them exclusively devoted to the extra releases while Game Freak as a whole could focus exclusively on their big games. instead, they dug in their heels, and refused to expand on their business, even though it was clear all the way back in generation 2, that change needed to happen. that their current way of doing things simply didnt work.

the rest of the industry changed to cope with the changing market. some embraced DLC, some decided that mmo style was the only way to go, Even Nintendo themselves is finally embracing the concept of DLC, Patches, online multiplayer in large scale and so on.

Game Freak however is still operating like its the early 1990′s and they are still a small studio with no big demands on them, which they can handle on their own. they purposefully ignored the lessons that they should have learned in generation 2 and 3, namely that they needed to expand and build better infrastructure. instead they have stubbornly refused to change, until now when they fully willing to cleave their own franchise into pieces, when simply embracing the concept of a Patch or Two would have solved all their problems.

#pokemon #game freak #stagnation #gen 1 #gen 2 #gen 3 #gen 4 #gen 5 #gen 6 #gen 7 #gen 8 #pokemon sword and shield #sword and shield #dexcut #dex cut

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zeravmeta · 5 years ago

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Zerav if you have the time can i ask you why a world of everlasting peace tends to be portrayed as a stagnant world in fiction that tend to have a humanist tone to it?, it sounds weird because if humanity manages to create such a utopia, would this not be a cause of celebration as a symbol that humanity in some way or the other was capable of creating such a world?

Im FINALLY getting to this ask sorry it took so long

Ok so, while its worded a bit weirdly I think I get your question, and you do have a point: A perfect Utopian society does sound amazing and WOULD be an amazing achievement for humanity.

The problem is that humans/humanity itself can't or ever will be perfect. Plus, most if not all of those utopian societys presented in media aren't actually perfect, rather they have these insidious plots underneath in order to look more presentable. I know you're familiar with and probably mean this in terms of FGO so lets take a look at the 3 most prevelant examples of this trope: Camelot and the Lion King, Goetia's Human Order Incineration Plan, and LostBelt 3's Empire of S.I.N

The main crux in all of these is that individual freedoms were ignored and the end goal was an excuse to try and enforce control:

The Lion King wanted an arbitrarily perfect world with arbitrarily decided "good" people to keep them on display as a testament to humanity. For this, she allowed the slaughter of many innocent people and made her round table betray the code they themselves so stringently followed. It seemed like a utopia but it was actually a plot to preserve humanity in its most literal sense because she, as a goddess, has the right to do it. Being a goddess was the only reason she needed.

Goetia wanted to destroy humanity and start over because of a fundamental misunderstanding of Solomon's actions. Solomon decided that despite his status he shouldn't interfere with humanity because it wasn't his place (which is where he succeeds compared to all these other godly beings, he doesn't deny humanitys autonomy and decide to enforce a rule because "he deserves to as a divine"), but Goetia saw this as cruelty and made an elaborate plan in what was essentially a suicidal love letter to humanity to put them out of their misery and start over. He pities humans so greatly that he was acting out of a misguided belief that humanity needs him.

Shi Huang Di our favorite idiot created a utopia by removing human individuality entirely not out of malice but out of an actual love for humanity. They're hella misanthropic and distrustful and paranoid because they believe so strongly in their absolute right to rule and the messed up thing is that he's right in a sense but at the same time it can barely be called an human society because it's one person controlling a giant system more than an actual civilization of people. Humanity stagnated because it became only a singular freely thinking human in QSH and they were so hugely hyperfocused on perserving and protecting humanity they never allowed humanity as a whole to advance.

Overall it all comes down to the fact that Utopian Societies can't ever truly exist because expecting free thinking individuals to be perfect is both unrealistic and wrong. People aren't perfect, they make mistakes and thats ok

#zerav responds #IM SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG DHAHZGAHS #hopefully this makes sense

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hildorien · 6 years ago

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I am in the minority but I’d love to know more about the pre-noldor elvish edain culture, history, and just life.

I wanna know more about men in the context of men, I wanna see history through human eyes without the elvish perspective.

I wanna know the full experiences of all humans in middle earth not the ones the elves interacted with. And if you have to have elves, I wanna hear about what humans thought of elves that isnt ‘oh they are so perfect and amazing and beautiful uwu’, because that’s kind of boring and we can all agree first age elves? on the whole? pretty shitty. (I love em but they have one brain cell to share among them and fuck up on the regular).

I wanna see Humans who were born into a dumpster fire that is the world of arda, these are a people who didn’t get Orome leading them to heaven on earth, they got Morgoth. These are a people who lived in Morgoth’s land for centuries who probably experienced horror and oppression from basically their species infancy. Unlike the elves of valinor, or even the Sindarin protected by Melian, horror and despair would have not been their abnormal, it would be their everyday. But they aren’t broken, they survive. They make families, connections, lives in this wasteland. They adapt and change, because I think in some ways that is the race of men’s true advantage over elves. That we don’t have a gap on our ‘greatness’ persay, humanity’s ambitions get’s mutated into greed a lot (I mean numenor is a dumspter fire for a reason) but I think that human ambition is a strength because it means we don’t accept our circumstances. The Edian sure didn’t.

The edain, the Boerians, the people of haleth, and the hadorians, all marched themselves out of morgoth’s land hoping for something better, with NO GUARANTEE they find anything better. But they still did it. And while we are here, let’s talk about how the race of men has not guarantee of anything, like elves (and dwarves) kind of know where they end up. They go to Mandos and get reborn, they go to aule, respectively. Men...don’t have that. Men really didn’t get anything (but Morgoth and suffering). They leave this world forever, thats what they know. Thats what they are told.

But no one knows what the means. (Personally, I think its like a good place situation kind of. Eru is just michael and turin is janet)

But anyway back to the POINT, (if there ever was one) the edain end up finding beleriand but beleriand isn’t the paradise they wanted. But hey, its not morgoth so let’s celebrate said the beorians before promptly getting found by finrod. And look elves did a lot of good for humans, but I also think there is this really bad dynamic of elves holding all the power and men just being in it for the ride.

Ive made the joke that the elves of the first age are kind of like the edian’s sugar daddies but it’s kind of true. They give them land and like ‘wisdom’ (whatever the fuck that means) and in return men give them their ever increasing numbers. The Silm is a very elven story we don’t really get a lot of human, but when we do I think it’s pretty interesting. Because the relationship between Elves and Men is really uneven in the first age...and all ages even though in later ages forces of men like numenor at their height could I think easily sweep the floor with the elves of the second age combined. I think culturally Elves give a lot more, like men end up picking up their language, though im one hundred percent sure human languages didn’t die out and never do, humans must have shit talked elves a LOT in taliska (oh yes, that is the name of at least the language spoken by the hadorians and beorians, the people of haleth spoke a different dialect) and I think a lot of humans give more in resources (aka men, power, infantry). I mean personally if I was having at a guess I don’t think (as the latecomers) men got very many places to actually farm and have good land and relied on elvish goods to survive. I think this unevenness kind of spurred this idea that ‘elvishness = superior’, so to make this full circle I think a lot of pre edain culture was lost to make place for diet pepsi version of elf culture that we see human cultures like numenor and gondor have, because that’s better than their orn because elves are SPECIal BETTER AND DON’T DIE LIKE US BROKEN AND FALLEN PEOPLE. ((screams))

Okay let’s talk about the death thing. Human and Mortal and Men all mean the same thing, humans die is not a statement that should be up for debate. But the humans of edain, at least from what we see of Andreth is that this was not how it always was. Humans were once immortal like the elves until they were bad and listened to morgoth and then they became mortal and all sick and ew.

yeahhhh, I don’t think thats true. I think in-universe its a great myth. I love finrod ah andreth for this reason (also andreth is tolkien’s best female character he ever created and the fact that she’s not in the published silm is why we are in the bad timeline) , but I think humans...always were mortal.

And thats okay.

We talked about human ambition above, I think that is fueled by the fact that we all die. We have a timer, so we have to do things now, and that’s not a bad mindset to have. I think it gets humjans into trouble but also, imagine your a human in beleriand, you have children, a family, they might have children someday you want to do what you need to do to make sure THEY have a chance.

(also lets talk about the fucked up fact that humans are punished for lsitening to morgoth in the first place like im sorry that humans didnt have any other valar looking for them, there was no orome, no fucking chance that they could have met anyone else because no valar came for them only morgoth with his lies so yes humans are bad for listening to the only god like entity that seemed like he wanted to help them, the elves did that too but they had nice gods so they are wise while humans who have illness and sickness and death over their heads listen to a guy with power okay jirt i see your double fuckig stnarad and its STUPID)

And you can’t wait for that chance, so you leap. I think this is best illustrated by Turin of all people. Turin gets called elvish a lot in looks but in actions, he, like most of his family, are allllllllll human. The bridge in nargothrand even though it’s stupid and ends up horribly kind of reminds me of this. Turin doesn’t have time to wait like Gwindor, and Orodreth, etc do. his people have already been fucking disomated, he’s lost his father, his mother is trapped in enemy territory. He wants to help.

Sure it blows up in his face, but yknow...the want to do good is there.

I think on the whole humans get a bad rep...like they’re called stupid and dumb and ugly by both fandom and in universe elves alike. But I don’t think that’s the case. Humans have a lot more balls and have collectively been through more trauma as a species than I think all of the elves (especially valinorian) elves combined. I think when humans fuck up, whether it be turin or numenor, it’s proof of their incompetence, that their inante (eru-given ability) to have ambition to seek beyond the world they live in for something better for something more is evil and they should be more like the elves, stagnant, already at the height of ‘perfection’, never changing....instead of being humans. Like look at these fools trying to act like than can be GOOD at something, sit down and let these elves be best at everything obviously. How many of you would look at me funny if I said, maybe the race of men was BETTER THAN THE ELVES AT SOMETHING? A lot of you im sure, and someone would have a rebuttle for how I was wrong and how this elf was considered the best.

(like that post going around how could turin actually be #that pretty to thot his way through all of beleriand? Maybe he just Was like that, sure he may have a little elvish ness but honestly I think that be a funny thing elves say to cover up the fact some elves found a icky human was actually just that fucking hot, because obviously humans could never be that actually hot ever, not to intangle a sindarin mast of a guard, a NOLDORIAN VANYAR-DESSCENT PRINCESS, ect)

Also just to go back to numenor, ever want an example of why it doesnt work for men to act like elves...look at numenor, early numenor was as elvish as humans could produce....but then they got bored. And then numneor became an empire and everyone eventually had so much of a bad time, eru reshaped the fucking world just to wipe the valar’s ‘humans but better’ ocs off the face of the planet. Like just to stray off topic I personally think men can’t go to valinor 1) because the two trees are actually nuclear, and the whole damn island is chernobyl instant death right there and thats why the valinor elves are like #that (they GLOW for gods shake) 2) the monotonous never changing perfection of valinor while amazing in the short term for humans would eventually drive them crazy. Not to say that the race of men doesn’t like some peace and quite or even humans (like myself) can be obverse to change, even I can admit doing the same thing ever day would drive me crazy.

This got super rambly, but its been a lot of thoughts Ive been having for a long ass time. Basically, I just want people to talk to me about the atani, edian, race of men, whatever you want to call them. They deserve a lot better and a lot more respect than just playing a supporting role to the elves.

They didn’t kill all those dragons to be ignored like this.

#silmarillion #race of men #what ye do in the dark #tea with milk #not undercut because I want you people to READ this #please validate meeee #silm #edain #atani #i have a lot of feeling about humans in an elf world....

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evolutionsresolve · 6 years ago

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Dream further than the Universe

So, Why did i pick Yorimoi or “A Place further than the Universe” as my top pick for 2018? Well I’m not here to do a review, this is more of why it was a show that resonated with so many.

Living is hard. Whether an adult, teenager, or any age there comes obstacles that get in the way and tell us to slow down. Think about that big goal that you’ve had for years. That one thought or idea that you always come back to but push off as being too ridiculous, too out of reach. Call it a dream if you want but either way chances are you doubt that you’ll get there on your own right?

Yorimoi is a show that literally takes those obstacles and tells them to stick it. At the beginning of the show we meet Mari who is about as much a representation of that stagnant person that we all want to get away from. How do you push yourself out of that hole? Well, whether we like to admit it, Humans are sociable creatures. As much as we strive for solitude, we also have deep feelings of community that can improve us and drive us to do things that we wouldn’t be able to do otherwise.

Friends are something that are impossible to define. I’ve always been someone whose had a small group of tight-knit friends as opposed to tons of them but those friends aren’t the only ones that have changed my actions or outlooks. The girls in Yorimoi don’t start out as friends like in most slice-of-life shows. They aren’t even close. What they are, is a group that have a goal that they can achieve together with each bringing something either symbolically or practically to the cause and that allows them to reach that destination.

Along the way they find a friendship somewhere in the journey and its one that feels as natural as walking. As we watch their relationships grow and their bonds become sisterly and even protective, you see that their goal is now not just reaching that destination, but reaching it with the new group that gave them the courage to even take that first crazy step.

Reaching your goal dosen’t have to be by yourself, sometimes you need the right goofballs to push you in the right direction.

Yorimoi was gorgeous visually but also emotional yet somehow simple AND hard to sell to someone. I mean how many people have to talked to about this show and the best simple description was “Its about a group of high-school girls that go to antarctica”? Theres a good chance that they either looked at you confused or had already accepted that it would just be simple moe-blob with the classic trope of cute-girls-doing-cute-things.

What i find amazing is how just like your own real world dream, it manages to provide emotion and depth to their own dreams to the point that you laugh when they laugh and it feels genuine and deserved. You cry when they cry and it hurts. And you long for adventure when they do because their spirit of adventure hits home for you. The shows music lends to this experience and despite it not being a large soundtrack, the songs are composed and used in just the right ways to help highlight their milestones. Music is emotion and when its paired with scenes of accomplishment, heartbreak, or inspiration, it just allows those emotions to feel that more raw.

Yorimoi is a show that made me so happy and so sad in ways that felt completely natural. It made me want to get up and go and do the things that i’ve put on hold for years. It made me want to see my friends and do big things with them. It made me want to just go for broke and do what I want to do and be damned the consequences. “Thats just childish” “Thats unrealistic” “You’re kidding right” Sometimes you just need to take the bull by the horns and go for broke. Sometimes you need to say the things that are often left unsaid. Yorimoi taught me to start believing in those silly dreams, go after those hard friendships and bonds; it told me to look at the mountain in front of me and start climbing and see where we get. You might not make it to the top, but dammit you’re going to give it your all and those people that gave you that push will be behind you as you grab for the top.

The world is big...

make your next step be the first one and you can go anywhere.

#a place further than the universe #sora yori mo tooi basho #yorimoi #evolutionsresolve #This show is now easily one of my all time favorite shows and i wish everyone could watch it #go for your dreams #it might not be easy #infact it probably won't be #but atleast you can say that you tried

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lil-miss-methodical · 7 years ago

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Season two has recently dropped and they’re stronger than ever. They’ve graduated into story form, taking our archetypes and fleshing them out a bit while still keeping the center that makes them so damn relatable.

This season the theme of looking back to understand the now was still very present, but this time instead of it being about the individual black person it was about our history in a collective form. This concept of an elite black society is hopeful and beautiful and I hope they go good places with it, they’ve set up the work to go good places with it.

I could speak on the genius of the soundtrack, the ridiculous awesomeness of that directing and camera work but we all know about that good shit. So instead I wanna focus on something I don’t think everyone understands. The messages.

To understand the main message of this season, I think its imperative to understand season one. When the show first came out the characters were archetypes of black people. Those people we become in America because of the race relations, how those things affect who we are, how they are heavily leading in our make up.

- The mixed woman that over compensates for her white genetics. - The unappreciated/overlooked black woman - The black woman who hates living the black struggle - The outlier black (woman) - The carefree light skinned boy - The black (boy) who does not understand surface black culture - The moldable black (boy) who seems to fit in both worlds but finds himself comfortable in neither - The African (male) who has not lived the African American experience - The strong headed black man - The white (man) who means well

The first season presented us with this group and then put them in a position where they had to not only interact with white but with one another as well. The former is important because the interactions with the white is to show the everyday, on ever level, shit blacks have to put up with when it comes to race relations. The latter is important because its where the message hides. We watch these black students maneuver, all wanting a bit of the same thing but they hack away at one another constantly at ends with each other. Judging one another and always finding the other not worthy. We’re at constant stage of eliminating who gets to be apart of our black circle - even when it comes to other blacks (terms like Revoked and Cancelled) (we also have ‘you’re uninvited to the cookout’ for all other none blacks). But season one is not about mending fences with the non blacks, thats not the imagery they leave you with. No, season one presents us with this concept that we pick one another apart and instead of using our differences to get to where we're trying to go we often let it distance us, causing distinction between us as a whole. It highlights how we don’t give our people enough empathy while giving them this perspective lens that allows their story to be told from their view, showing them in their rawest most vulnerable moments. Its through the honest moments that the characters themselves start to understand one another.

So season one had two jobs - highlight our separation which is a problem for our people, and also frame them in a way that leads us to empathize and understand the character the best. Now the genius in this last part is they didn’t only do this by giving characters perspective views…but in also not giving them one. For example Joelle presents the unappreciated/overlooked black woman. In season one we get the close up moments of her in other peoples story. We see her overlooked but we really feel it when she doesn’t get her own episode. When she gets her episode this season, its everything. We’ve already built this bond of understanding and empathy with her, there is no outcry of - she’s just low-key jealous, because we’ve been there with her, we know for a fact that she has been overlooked. So again first seasons job is to get us to see our separation and open black people u so we can start to understand one another. The ending leaves us with a taste of seasons two’s mission as Sam sits beside Coco - our two characters that has had the greatest distinction and who knew each other the most but lacked empathy and understanding for each other the most - and she ask “how did the two of us get pitted against one another?”

So season two took on the path to presenting unity (its necessity for our people from one another) and also reenforcing that we as black people actively choose to be for our people, we can all be an asset for our people, no matter what archetype we fit into.

- Sam with her light skinned privilege can us that privilege for her own selfish rise or be a voice for blacks in avenues they can't obtain. - Joelle can let the bitterness of being unappreciated consume her and leave her stagnant or she can push on and keep fighting for her people. - Coco can dream of the white reality or she can look at her own path and realize her obstacles and use all the means necessary to get through or over those obstacles. People like that are the ones to see the obstacles and if they have the drive and the ambition they usually end up being the pocket runner for the culture. - A black man like Lionel can use his lack of education on black culture as an excuse of how he's not tied to its people or he can listen, learn, and still do right by his people (in this case its printing the truth and searching for the truth despite others telling him not to) - A black man like Reggie is seen as a threat and therefore expendable by other races because he's unapologetically black (and educated) and so he bares a brunt of being mistreated. He could let that turn him into what they consider him (a violent animal with no control) or he can stick to the guys of who he really is and excels to be and reach heights for himself and our people (which is the real threat he presents). - A man as moldable and as transitional as Troy can be the black best weapon or their biggest let down (because they can be molded into something for the opposing side). They have to find out who they are, what they want, and learn to use that skill to the best of their ability. - A white person can be well meaning...and problematic. Their job is to continue to question how or why they do or don't do something without assuming or speaking for the black community.

This season showed us their fears - being another dead black man, using her privilege against her people, not understanding and therefore not fitting into either world, being damage and trash to everyone around him, not being chosen always being second string, not achieving being just another marker in the world, being racist. And all these fears correlates to their identities as black people and at least for now none of them have given into or allowed themselves to be overcome with that fear. We see them try to push through and work together on small individual levels as well as the big scheme.

Oh course we are not insta friends. Of course theres still irks, but theres also the reminder to be mindful. When we sit amongst one another trying to come to a solution, don’t cross lines. Coco and Sam aren’t besties…but then what they have is deeper than that. They understand their roles in each others life and how they challenge one another for good instead of bad. Scenes with Coco and Sam feel very different than ones with Coco and Muffy. But Coco & puffy is a pairing that rarely ever work as a success - something else that was shown this season where in Muffy got the invite into the group and Coco of course didn’t. But they presented us with teams that did work - on individual and a mass levels…

Joelle & Coco trying to make Sam feel better and support her: Both admit their form of loving her is different but both can be good for her. Joelle and Sam radio partners: I love seeing Joelle in this light once she got to actually work instead of the friction of not being able to get a point in. Such an amazing concept because this is already how they communicate. Reggie and the Dean - booooy didn't see that one coming til it did, and it was brilliant. The Dean and reggie have different perspective of how to get to the end game, you never expect for their shit to be this damn powerful, but it was. If his treatment of his son and his give in nature to white people made me dislike the Dean, his treatment of Reggie made me question my view of him. Kelsey and Coco: They spent all season letting you down play Kelsey and then showed you just how shitty of a thing that was by showing how giving and great and at peace she is with who she is. Reggie and Troy: I really like the concept of Reggie and Troy being friends. They’re that different line again because the belief that someone like Reggie can respect someone like Troy. Everyone helping Troy realize how horrible of a person he can be: This sounds bad, but the raw honest truth he got in this episode from his old friends…is blessing. They were willing to give it to him in a time when he needed, a time he came in search of it, ready to actually take it in. Which led him to being able to be honest with himself and his own father. Brooke and Lionel: The great thing behind the Brooke and Lionel pair is there highlight on ‘crab in a barrel’ mentality. We’ve all grown up hearing it. This concept that we as black will try to get ahead stepping on, climbing ver, or shutting other blacks out because the opening is so narrow and theres only room enough for one of us. Tho here you have them admitting that they’re getting caught up, but they don’t have to. They can both reap success by working together. Lionel and Sam: I love Lionel and Sam together because the association of them being able to understand one another because of their shared experience of once feeling on the outside of black community/culture. Her because she’s mixed, and him because his lack of shared cultured knowledge and experiences. Theres this primal part of them that understands one another, this need and desire to belong. There is a lack of judgment and fake between them. And of course the main core scheme that took just about all the black faculty: What I loved about this twist - of coming in and sitting instead outside and rallying - is that it faces Rikki with all the blacks she’s hurting. It forces her into a place of having to face that while also not letting her voice get to the other side. She doesn’t have to face the entire of their ire with them outside, they’d just be a jumble of sounds she would us as an example of why they’re unacceptable. This group of black people coming together, its not derogatory, its not shady. They sit there in silence and allow their faces to show how unimpressed they are. And of course the secret black society which is a unity in itself

This season did a great job of pushing the theme throughout the plot, intertwining it into the plot and the characters themselves. They tease us again with the possible message of next season, which I cant wait to see.

Highlights/Moments I loved: Kelsey’s entire flourish. I was genuinely disgusted by how I thought of her last season compared to this season. They did a wonderful job of presented who she was without giving her her own episode and I’m hoping they elevate her up to main core. I liked her and Coco together - it was another pair that seem to have nothing in common but mixed so well.

The reality of Al. Everyone sits around and talk about how they hate Sam for this reason or that, but the shows us how biased we are in the terms of men and women, def light skinned blacks. Because the show is very frank and raw with Sam and her behaviors, but they’ll allow Al to do something reproachable and the audience doesn’t reproach him at all. No complaints about his apparent colorism - I don’t ya’ll didn’t think oh boy out Joelle in small print at the bottom of the page with half of her face covered with bacon because she was ‘new’ to the team. Its not just the problematic its this aspect of freedom of just being a standard we have for the girls but not the boys. Its the same with the dark skinned counterparts.

Rikki: She was just so formidable. So unapologetic and fearfully the shit she said made sense. She exemplified the concept that we black people can view things in so many ways and use that thing to allow us to be who we choose to be. We’re so use to the rhetoric of those blacks that choose that side are lost, ill-informed and know-no-better. Thats in part in think because we as black people don’t want to settle into the reality of our own rejecting us. Look at the thing we Kanye West - he’s in the sunken place we say, he knows nothing of politics we say, those around him has influenced him, he’s lost his way. We don’t take it well when our own reject us, which is understandable - we want there to be a great reason for the chaos. But with Rikki thats not the case. She is well educated, well informed on both sides, she is calm and deliberate. Sam doesn’t know what to do with her at all. Tessa does a great job with Rikki.

I always love in part what they do with Troy - last season they presented a black man conformable in his own sexuality - he is unbothered and unthreatened by Lionel’s. This season they give this black man a journey of self discovery. I don’t think blacks get presented with that imagery enough, def not black men. Getting in touch with yourself, waddling through your own shit, and the shit you’ve out others through. Letting them tell you what was wrong and processing that. Troy is a lost black male and it is imperative that he finds himself, that someone with his gift finds themselves.

The line: “Yes! Slaves being clever and shit!” I love this line because I’ve always felt that we forget how brilliant a mind slaves had to have We get so boggled on the aspect of the cruelty the were in - understandably, but we forget that they had to create secret ways to communicate and exist. They literally had to be creative and shit and they get no shine for that.

Two young black people being on an adventure.

Blacks being passionate about whatever they’re doing - Sam with the radio, Lionel with writing, Joelle with anatomy, Troy with comedy

The aspect of black female friendship and supporting another woman having the moment be uncontested and just about another woman needs. We support everyone but enough medias don’t show that.

The view of understanding ones own past, and then also understand the past of our people, which is often hidden, erased, or retold to better someone else - Listen pay attention and watch closely

This aspect that we are human, we laugh, we shade, we’re flawed, we try, we fail and succeed, and the things others do hurt us and we should not have to pour that shit out there to the ones who want to see us hurt for people to be able to establish that we have these traits.

The concept that it is understandable to be any of these kind of black people, that there is greatness to be found in our brokenness and our lost. The presentation that we should have empathy for one another, to seek understanding instead of being so easily moved to hate because at the core we all want the same thing, fight individually for the same thing - to alleviate ourself of the reality of the black struggle, of being hated, and that feeling of being in quicksand with not enough people caring to help us get out. We have us - and in the end that can get us hella far.

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theboywhocriedbooks · 6 years ago

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Ramona Blue by Julie Murphy

[Goodreads]

Ramona was only five years old when Hurricane Katrina changed her life forever. Since then, it’s been Ramona and her family against the world. Standing over six feet tall with unmistakable blue hair, Ramona is sure of three things: she likes girls, she’s fiercely devoted to her family, and she knows she’s destined for something bigger than the trailer she calls home in Eulogy, Mississippi. But juggling multiple jobs, her flaky mom, and her well-meaning but ineffectual dad forces her to be the adult of the family. Now, with her sister, Hattie, pregnant, responsibility weighs more heavily than ever. The return of her childhood friend Freddie brings a welcome distraction. Ramona’s friendship with the former competitive swimmer picks up exactly where it left off, and soon he’s talked her into joining him for laps at the pool. But as Ramona falls in love with swimming, her feelings for Freddie begin to shift too, which is the last thing she expected. With her growing affection for Freddie making her question her sexual identity, Ramona begins to wonder if perhaps she likes girls and guys or if this new attraction is just a fluke. Either way, Ramona will discover that, for her, life and love are more fluid than they seem.

Thoughts:

Before reading this book I had heard so much about it and most of it was rooted in negative drama. The drama was surrounding the romance in the story between a character who identified as a lesbian and her male childhood friend. Many people were bashing this book from the start, lots without even having read it, out of a somewhat understandable fear. The fear was the Man Cures the Lesbian trope. This, however, just proves the text should be read before giving opinions because while the ID’d lesbian did fall for a man, it discusses the the fact that sexuality CAN be fluid. This explores sexuality in a way I think is important, because sexuality isn’t also so set in stone. Whats even more interesting, after having finished the book, the romance is not even a main focus of the story. The story focuses on a queer girl thats trying to figure out her future in terms of her family responsibilities and her individual aspirations. It’s about race, about education, about family andddd about sexuality. I think it’s an great book with wonderful characters and would definitely recommend it. Go pick it up because I’m now going to go on about in spoiler-y detail below:

I think the topic of sexuality in relation to this book is so fascinating. My friend Danika wrote an amazing article about this that I would recommend checking out because it hits a lot of points I might not be able to. This story just really is able to explore a character whose sexuality isn’t stagnant, and discusses how sexuality can be fluid and thats okay. I personally know how important identity can be so when someone is so firm/comfortable in theirs only to have it begin to evolve it can be a complex experience. I’m really glad that this book explores this though because it’s not something I think the YA world gets to see a whole lot. I’d just hope that, despite the negative reactions, some of those people (as well as others) opened their minds to see what the story was saying.

In terms of family, this was another beautifully done portion of the story. The sisters loser boyfriend situation was totally something relatable, I’ve been in that situation and it’s even gone positive but it’s still frustrating to go through. I would admit that even though the end of the book sort of shines the boyfriend character into a little better light, I still wished the sister had moved on from him. The sister was another character who was really interesting. There wasn’t a lot of focus on her as a singular individual but her effects on Ramona’s were interesting. Seeing how dependent on her the sister was really spoke to families that tend to make their children grow-up faster to take care of their siblings. Still, though, they were really cute and I loved their sister relationship as a whole.

I really liked the focus on her education. More so because she wanted to go to school and there was an option for her that she was not super aware of. I think its interesting, I don’t really see community college as an option for people in YA enough, which really sucks considering I went to one myself. I think the swimming was a wonderful addition to her character because it gave her power to be her own person. Swimming was her way to become an individual and make decisions apart from the responsibilities that were kind of forced on her. One of my favorite parts of the story was the part when she cut her hair, specifically cutting all the blue parts off. I didn’t automatically get it and I’m surprised I didn’t because it was really powerful. Throughout the book it talks about how her sister is the one who does her hair for her, so when Ramona cut the blue off it was cutting off the dependency she had and I loved it.

I really loved the overall story, there were so many things I was not expecting. I was not expecting there to be a good amount about race but I liked the touch on white Privilege that occurred with breaking into that mans pool. The thoughtlessness that comes with never having to worry about how someone respond to you based on your skin color. I thought it was really interesting. I feel like it probably could have been done better but even the fact that it was being talked about is important, so yep. A lot happened, I was laughing at parts, awing at others and almost in tears at moments. I loved the conversation with her friend Ruth, that hesitation of queers and the sexual fluidity etc.

I really enjoyed this book, definitely recommend it and would even recommend the audiobook because it was a lovely experience!

#wow this is so late #check the book out tho #julie murphy #ramona blue #queer books #2018 #review

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mattyslittleworld · 6 years ago

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love doesn't mean it'll last

I went for a walk a few hours ago to listen to some music. I got caught in a thunder storm, hiding like Tom Hanks with a volley ball, under some hangover at a school near my crib. I had to sit there for mad long. A cop drove behind it and asked if I had a warrant, wanted my name and address and all this shit I was like you’re bugging. Then drove away without giving me a ride back home like a typical trash middletown cop. But I was forced to sit down and listen to music and relax, it was actually amazing. I listened to The National’s new record Sleep Well Beast. I listened to City and Colour’s new live album. Ben Howard records. Owen’s cover of American Footballs “Never Meant”. I know from my IG and the public perception im very heavily into Hip Hop and shit but I don’t think anything can touch my heart soul and interest level like these records and artists do. Indie / Folk music really cuts deep. Some of my favorite bands are Thursday, Death Cab For Cutie, The Postal Service, Bright Eyes, Elliot Smith, Dylan, all that shit. I came up on that shit. Bands like Mae, or even Metalcore that crossed over into clean jazz parts like Misery Signals and 7 angels 7 plagues. Their piano ballad jhazmynes lullaby changed my life and I got that name tattooed on the tops of my wrists. I think that was the first time I realized you can be into hardcore, create hardcore, have the stereotypical lifestyle and look, but still be emotional. They’d go from the heaviest breakdowns right into clean pedals delay and beautiful soundscapes that you could really get lost in on a night like tonight stranded out to sea. 2 nights ago Albee played his first show back in New Jersey since the D.A. unbanned him. It was crazy. I pulled up solo and met up with them and it was crazy to see how many people fuck with that dudes movement. It was also crazy to see how famous and embraced Fetty Wap is. He was mad cool. Anyone who’s family to Belv is family to me. The crowd freaked the fuck out when he came on stage it was so sick. There was like 50 of us on stage it was such a good time and im glad I went. Makes me so stoked on all the work me and Belv have been putting in. We both got albums on deck for 4th quarter 2018, first quarter 2019. The new Mozzy came out and im sitting here just vibed out listening to the song “Blackhearted”. The beats this dude picks are so beautiful. Like piano ballad beats with soul samples, he seems very intelligent because these bars are insane. Tonight I met up with Jeff because he have this weird tradition of just going to as many shows as possible. We saw Brian Fallon again at Count Basie in Red Bank. First off - ive been working so hard lately that ive been feeling extremely extremely extremely alone. I don’t hangout with anybody 1 on 1 these days, I don’t really go out side. I literally don’t even have a social group. I travel everywhere alone, and I just in general move by myself. Im at a point now where some people have tried some fuck shit to get to some of the people ive been working with. Before this I was so busy recording so any social time to myself and “friends” was basically engineers, collaborations, and music related. The whole “go to the movies” type of social life or any normal shit has just kinda been erased from my life. Sometimes when Im out, in passing, ill see a group of like 5 or 6 kids just laughing passing me. Bonding in the simplest way and it makes me choke up. I love it. I haven’t felt that in mad long but when I think back on when I did have that - in the back of my head all I wanted to do was get a shot at music. So now that I have that shot I have to bite down. Im foaming at the mouth for this shit. Anyway tonight with Jeff was the first in awhile where I put shit aside and hung out and caught a show outside of some business shit. I appreciate that dude probably more than he realizes. He saw something in me, a fight, a fire, and linked me with Jesse - who literally spun my life in a 180. Brian is probably one of my favorite songwriters these days. I know thats a cliche thing to say but I really was there from the jump, like Myspace days. Ive met him a few times and he has a tattoo of a band I Sang for and we chopped it up and he was a really nice dude. After his show there was an immediate standing ovation. Im talking like within a second the entire sold out count Basie theater jumped to their feet and roared. It literally scared him. The look in his eyes was so unreal. I could see him thinking “how did I get here?” For kids like us its a dream to play that room. I cant imagine 10 years from now being blessed enough to sell that bitch out with a standing ovation. Within that moment I can tell he went right back to being a kid walking past that shit with “one day” eyes. I really had a good time tonight though. It was so nice to get out. After I caught up with my boy Joe who booked the show and runs The Basie. The shit he was saying to me put me on cloud 9. So encouraging. He mentioned my work all across the boards, in all genres and told me to keep going. Its hard sometimes to hold the faith but times like this when a dude who used to book your hardcore band and is now booking these crazy concerts says keep going for said reasons….damn man. Makes me wonder. Its 4:30 am and I had food and watched Ebro / Genuis interviews and passed out so im probably up for the day. This Mozzy record really is amazing. Now that im getting older im finding myself wanting to settle down with a girl and spend more time with my family and hers. That aspect of my life is creeping up. Ive never felt that. Every relationship ive ever been in was shit and stagnant with people who switched up. Ive never felt true bond. True companionship. True love. True strength. True ride or die I got you till the end marriage type shit. My hearts been empty for so long. My hearts been closed. But tonight I walked from Starbucks in red bank to the Basie, with a cup of coffee, felt the breeze of October…..and I just felt my heart being open again. Its still empty, but at least its open and I felt warm and excited for one day hopefully having the opportunity to meeting somebody that will let me make them coffee. I know that I have met her. Ive known her for about 10 years. I feel her deep in my soul….but sometimes love aint enough so ive been faced with the crossroads and I had to move forward. Hopefully one day it’ll pan out because my fists are bloody from fighting. You know who you are. I know you’re reading this. Im looking forward to halloween, and the holidays and the cold weather. Spending time by the fire, having good coffee, with good people that ive neglected over the past couple years due to tour and life and me being a dumb kid. I feel the energy shifting. I feel the industry shifting. I feel them watching. I feel her, I think of her everyday, I hope she thinks of me. -1-

Mozzy - Black Hearted

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