mattyslittleworld

[mattyslittleworld]

In the Fields of France

10:27 PM // Friday night 

A French cafe on Sunset Blvd.

In the midst of all the friends & lovers finding fate out in the wind of Hollywood, I find myself alone in a little cafe. Nothing new. Things have been madness. Waves on the beach. Crowes writing novels. While everyone finds Cinderella on the strip - it gets me off leaving through the back door to collect my thoughts over a black americano. This cafe is a late night buzz for the freaks, or so it seems. I think the goal was to create a French bohemian vibe. It’s perfect. The coffee will ruin your life. I don’t sleep much anyway. I’m usually up tampering and turning things. Building engines. I’m listening to a strange 7” I ripped to digital. It’s of this jersey artist that means a lot to me. When I feel alone I feel like I’m listening to a friend that I have much in common with trade war stories of the road. During the madness Ive found comfort in my records and resorting back to my little crevice of the world. My mom shipped me all of my old 7”’s from the early 2000’s that I collected in various strange cities and towns that nobody has ever heard of. When I cook after sessions I play them in the living room and unwind and just revisit the memories I made, as they play through my mind like an old decrepit film movie. That’s how it should be. I’m a progressive person - some fans of my music would say a completely different person. Making music completely astray from the music they fell in love with.  But this song thing is real for me. When I was a kid in a van drinking black coffee with Cincotta & Dean in all black - I’d sit in the front seat all night and listen to 70’s Springsteen & Tom Waits. I’m 31 in the pop industry living in Hollywood, in a cafe alone, listening to Matthew Ryan’s I Can’t Steal You on a Friday night. Which is a song that lives beyond its means. 

The name says it all. It’s a very interesting narrative of a relationship between two sinking lovers. But they are sinking because one is drowning - and the other is holding them above water. 

“Ash trays lie like hearts for you to burn in” “Our love is a black gun”. 

When I hear this record I think of the blistering cold in Port Monmouth, NJ. A broken down used Lexus that only played CDs, and the snow frozen over into ice, reflecting the sun at the Spy House. Where i would park until the sun came down, listening to records and dreaming of getting out. Sitting North of me in this Cafe is a group of young men, probably 25, about 7 of them. Sitting in a circle enjoying their Friday. Drinking coffee, shooting the shit, trading stories, showing each other pictures off their phones. It makes me happy. When I think of my life, I wonder if I’ll ever have that. Did the craft of song rob that of me? Am I slowly turning into that broken tortured poet that I always looked up to growing up? Am I merely just a record? I think of Christopher Thorn, a man I look up to. He has a family, wife, house, successful music career. In his 50’s still living his outlaw lifestyle, in Spain on tour. I’m not sure I’ll ever find a woman so wicked enough to be a get away driver. Or to clean the prints off the pistol. Will I always choose the dream of a green room in England over being amongst these 7 gentleman and their escapades in the electric city? Jason Isbell is singing “I’m tired of traveling alone” as we speak. Amanda came along, as he wrote “Cover Me Up”, a song about how unloveable he is - and she proved him wrong. She is as wicked as they come. 

In “Live Oak” he sings

“Rumors of my wickedness had reached our little town....soon she’d heard about the boys I’d hang around”

I relate to that. I remember that melody, that song, as I was walking through a dirt road, parallel to a field, in the villages of France, pining for who I thought would be my wife, the mother of my children. The sun was burning - light years from civilization. All I had was a yellow bandana I promised to keep in my back pocket, and a photograph of us in my wallet. My phone was almost always dead. And on that walk through the village into the farms I pulled out that photograph and thanked god for a life I didn’t know would soon crumble. Life had other plans. Walking alone through that field in France - I read the wrong message on that photograph. I saw a photograph of someone I couldn’t let go of, and vowed to never, when I should have saw a photograph of someone I have to let go of, so we both could grow. 

I’ve been a Lone Wolf ever since

Running with the wicked.

Outlaw love forever. 

[mattyslittleworld]

“Hey Joann, we were American Classic”

Monday, July 19th, 2021.

9:57 pm // Hollywood, CA.

It’s a soft Monday night, I sent off stems earlier in the day, and I decided to take it slow for the rest of the day. I feel a little burnt out, and I want to go hard the rest of the week. The end of the summer into the fall and winter are going to be big for me. A lot of that preparation falls on this week. My apartment is dimly lit solely from white Christmas lights that always stay on. I have been chasing this cup of coffee that I made at 2pm, in circles, over and over. Each time I re heat it - I put it down - walk away with an idea - and it gets cold again. I don’t even think I want the coffee. I don’t even know why I made it in the first place. I think its because the creative process for me is such a devastating, nervous, experience - I just pace around in circles and manically call people, do things, pick things up, put things down, change clothes, change back into those clothes, avoid existential dread, change the world, decide the world was better without me changing it, and fall to a deep depression that I can’t change it back. Then just end up watching Brendan Schaub. So here I am, 10pm. My 4th time reheating this coffee. Things are calm. I started spinning some vinyl, and sat by my window and watched Hollywood blvd move. It’s funny how life changes, people you grow up with, that you love with all your heart, change and you suffer heart break. You mourn, you kick and scream, you plead for the pieces to be put together. That shit changes you forever - and how you pick yourself back up to move forward determines the life you will live - and the type of person you will become. Things have changed so much, and in the past few months I felt a peace that I have never felt ever before in my life regarding the ones I lost. The well of my life, my youth, the man I am today, is filled with memories, milestone moments that I will carry forever, parallel with pain and PTSD. Years of confusion, frustration - all while asking the question - why? Why is this life? It was sitting in the Hollywood Hills, on Nichols Canyon Road about two weeks ago. I had a mental breakdown after being in writing, producer sessions, for weeks at a time, without outside world contact - where I called in sick. I grabbed a coffee and went for a walk. I sat there and stared deeply into the hills, the houses off in the distance, and just everything clicked. I started laughing. I could cry. Everything just made sense. I felt ease, a self acceptance, but also an acceptance for the things I cannot control. Update: this coffee sucks. Okay back to what I was saying. When you live a life that’s left of the dial - or the industry pricks say “left of center” - you aren’t granted the fortunate pleasure of always being present - physically and mentally - at social gatherings, holidays, family events. The normal life of building and maintaining relationships is sacrificed by eternal obsessive devotion to this itch that you NEED to scratch. It’s not about money. It’s not about fame. It’s not about clout. It’s about the ITCH. I was always a left of center person in society. I was always the kid disassociating in public and people being concerned. One of my biggest regrets is not learning the skills to maintain relationships with people I truly cared about. I am someone who’s just passing through. I am one of the circus. I don’t stay. And when you spend 20 years leaving, the ones you leave build without you. I had a very hard time accepting that until I looked up. I looked up and saw what I built for myself. I have dreams of starting a family in California. Being an amazing father. Having an amazing wife, who fights for what she believes in. A family - a tribe, who understands why a mid afternoon walk through Nichols Canyon could be an epiphany - the product of knowing what it feels like to formulate lies ahead of time to get hot water to make ramen noodles for your next meal in a dirt town in Idaho by yourself. Just you, and your guitar. I want that life. The life of a father and husband - but in the most circus way. Dealing with loss, death or just severed ties, has been taking an emotional toll on me. One person in particular that I grew very close with, it challenged my morality and bar of comfort each day I let them in. We were so different, every thing on paper said we were completely incompatible. But with every difference, I felt heard and understood. As I tried my best to understand and hear. It’s very easy to say “fuck it” and disappear into work, or what I used to do, book a month of shows, and just physically leave. But after you say “fuck it” - you end up in 711 on the way to Fryman, and they seep into your subconscious just from seeing their favorite drink. Little things dominate you. Then months go by and you are still revisiting it. I live a new life, and I am so far from who I used to be. This year of the pandemic was so big for me, and everything changed. I leveled up, in my professional, personal, social life, and my environment. Years of avoiding my mental health, and my problems, by leaning into friendship, hardcore shows, the local scene, being undiscovered, and having nothing to lose, fucked me and came to ahead the past few months. I need to be a better person, for myself. I need to handle loss and situations calmly, with empathy and wisdom - so I can learn and grow to pass that down to my children. To be a protector, a giver, a lover for a stable family. I spent 20 years surrounded by people who cherish things such as extreme violence, revenge, brokenness, nothingness, evil, hatred, and wasting time. On Nichols Canyon, it was so clear to me that I have been around ONLY those who are platinum, solidified on the charts, and in their personal lives, successful beyond my wildest dreams, not only financially, but personally with their mental health and the lives they built. I envy how great of people they are. They have opened my eyes to the fact that being 30, I am young. They are miles ahead of me, and choose to believe in me. So it’s my duty to accept the winds of change. I feel like every time I write in this blog I am listening to Further Seems Forever. Currently its New Years Project. It brings me back to my first true love in high school, in the winter, at seaside heights. There’s something so beautiful about beach towns in the winter. Everyone is gone and local traditions are embraced by townies who take their turf back. It’s 10:52 and I’m just sitting here at my studio, in headphones, listening to dashboard so loudly. The places you have come to fear the most. The ending when he starts yelling. Fuck man. Is anything more pure? As I continue my journey as a writer / producer in this rap / pop industry I just cannot lose eye sight with this culture. On nights like this - when the homework done, Brendan Schaub is watched, the breeze is coming in, its almost ritual to just reheat your OLD FUCKING COFFEE THAT DIDN’T CHANGE THE WORLD - and reflect on your life, and just clear your mind by rambling to some fellow fucked up punks. In the midst of pop music, around 2 am every morning, the most beautiful, liberating, soulful folk songs have been delivered to me. Words, full verses, just handed down to me from whatever higher power there is. Pent up sadness, vague subtle emotion throughout my day, that I don’t even really notice. Just the bottom line of my being, that I carry with me. Maybe its from not talking to my friend anymore. Maybe its just overall emotional baggage. Maybe its not even for me, and I don’t identify with it at all. All I know is that its pure and its a heavy feeling. Its very evident that I COULD NEVER write this. Something else did. It was in the universe, and I happened to be at the right place at the right time, with the right open mindedness, to catch it and put it down. It helped me a lot, in a cathartic way, make sense of things. Now I have this song, that is a tangible thing, that I can play for other people, a lot of people, and pass on. Tonight Aidan reminded me of the time we hangout in LA - right around the corner from where I live now - 6 years ago. I was on a DIY acoustic tour with a kid who said I wouldn’t do it. Each show got canceled as the tour went on. I ended up actually quitting the tour. Aidan was living here, and she was a homie from Philly who I knew from the hardcore scene. We met during the first few hours of me embarking on this solo singer career, as an ex hardcore kid. I met her proper in the Taj Mahal in AC with Wayne, as I was waiting for Jeff and Paul Brown to take me to a radio interview to promote my first show in the upcoming weeks. Years later I do this tour and she was kind enough to show me around on our day off. We went to Veggie Grill next to amoeba and spent the literal most amazing night. I remember back home, I was working at a supermarket during the graveyard shift for extra cash. My girlfriend at the time (who I lived with), conveniently enough, worked next door to the super market. She got off of work at 9pm. And I’d clock in to work at 10pm and get off at 5am. So every night she’d get off work and id gert there an hour early and we’d have our dunkin donuts for an hour before I clocked in. She was into contemporary hip hop pretty heavy - so in between work shifts id sit at home and tamper around with singing on rap beats (and not show anyone). During those shifts, as I unloaded trucks and cut up boxes, I listened to demos all night in my headphones. Most of those demos were those hooks and bits of rap songs I was making, and I felt in my gut that it worked. It just seemed so dumb, and irrational to think that was a possibility. From who I was at the time, to my reputation, my friend group, where I was. It was simply just silly. Fast forward,  I go on this tour. I am enamored by the rap industry - head over heels infatuated by the business of it - and really cutting my teeth (on my own time in fear of embarrassment). In the van im spinning Meek, Cole, Jay etc. Learning. Me and Aidan leave veggie grill and she takes me, this fucked up jersey kid, through the Hollywood hills. I plugged my phone in and decided to be vulnerable and show her a demo of me singing on this little rap beat. I played it in her car - and she flipped out and said “wait this is you???”. And that little moment changed the trajectory of my career. That was the first time I felt that I could do this and I am more than who I am perceived to be in my small town. We drove Mulholland Drive, where all the movie stars live, we went up and down the main strips. It was electric. Something in me changed. I felt a new love. A new love for music that was unexplored. A profound calling for new territory. Something in me that night broke, changed, and my mind wandered. Although I do miss those little parking lot nights - me and the love of my life, side by side in the middle of our shifts. Talking shit, watching her smoke cigarettes, lost in our little lives. I miss that SO TERRIBLY. A true connection. Those moments are hard to have when you are widdling the wood, when you are left of the dial. The relationships you maintain are the songs you are working on. You don’t stay. One day I will, perhaps. 

Me and you, baby. 

[mattyslittleworld]

dead mans coffee

July / 2020

Just woke up in my front seat, at a rest stop in Tennessee. First thing I saw was my ALL WILL SUFFER tattoo on my leg. A constant reminder of a different person. Tomorrow I’m getting coffee with Skrillex’s right hand man in Nashville, and I’m nursing a cold coffee in the heat watching this crazy lightning shoot across the skyline. It looks like the end of the world. Or some fucked up Lucero song. I must’ve pulled over for a second and closed my eyes and just dropped dead for hours while parked, I’m on the way to my hotel. 

I am sitting in a diner on broadway in Nashville, TN. Nursing another shitty coffee booking meetings. As the texts come in I ignore them because they are covering the screen and distracting me from reading and studying how to properly sell my soul to the devil at the crossroads In Mississippi. 

Clarksdale, Mississippi

12:30 am

Where Robert Johnson, Bob Dylan, and now, Matty Carlock, sold their souls to the devil. 

December / 2020

Sitting in my home, in Hollywood, CA. I have the window open, and I hear the subtle sound of LA breathing, cars passing on the boulevard, sirens off in the distance, and a vinyl record of mine spinning at the lowest volume possible for me to still hear yet ignore it. I feel calm and at peace, although, it seems like a parallel feeling is war, confusion, imposter syndrome, abandonment, and skeptical. How could these two umbrellas of emotion coexist? Its very interesting. Ive been recording so much music that has nothing to do with my artist project. Its been liberating to put that aside for something greater. A new focus. Leaving artistry a vessel solely for extreme self expression and cathartic release. 

July / 2020

Winding the day down, 10:30pm. With an open tab that reads “Tigers Jaw holiday show” - on pause. I open my Mac book on my couch, ready to go through stems and ratchet strip club beats, and it catches my eye. I press play and it leads me down a rabbit hole. I find myself watching “Never Saw It Coming” right into “Chemicals” / live in Boston. Like lightning it struck through my entire body. Maybe it was the 2 hour long conversation with Andy? And the memories we were trading. The bond we have over hard times, innocence, violence, literal blood on the pavement, years of freezing in the winter....nowhere to go. The people that were around - we made forever memories to these two songs. I right away, made a playlist that consists of “The Sun, I Saw Water, Chemicals, Never Saw It Coming, and Planes”. On top of that I found the live acoustic set they recorded and put out. When I was young on DIY tours, sleeping on floors, dirty as shit, poor as shit, a human being at the very best.....the uncertainty of my near future was so bleak. I remember Title Fight came out with their record “Shed” - and the song “where am I?” would lay me down on long drives, or on the floor. I’d watch white lines pass one by one by one into the abyss of nothing. 

The line 

“Another floor

A different ceiling than the night before

Where am I?

While you’re back home”

Missing my girlfriend at that current time, leaving, and just laying on a strangers floor thinking where am I while you’re back home? What am I doing? Maybe there’s nothing only this moment?

On the tigers jaw live EP they covered this acoustic and it’s everything right now. I am fortunate to live a block away from the sunset strip - and I grabbed my skateboard and just bolted into the night. 

This SO SPECIFIC FEELING of these songs. That nobody in this environment will ever understand. It’s so beautiful. It’s so real. It’s so raw. It’s exactly what I need right now - as the past 3 weeks I’ve been living here have moved faster than the past 4 years. A loss of identity easily awaits you. It’s like you fight your whole life for that moment, to get to where you dream of, to get a shot. Scrape and crawl. And then reset. Since I’ve been living in Hollywood my day to day has been a huge mirror for me. The parts of myself I’ve been trying out run have caught me. Maybe all of this could coexist? 

March 2nd / 2021

Spring is here. Its 75 degrees in LA and theres this new thing I noticed while driving around…..the overbearing smell of flowers in the air. It sounds like a movie. Its fucked up cause It felt like a funeral in my car. I was like what the fuck is happening? It smells like a small funeral in here….are my dreams dying? Am I dying? Is punk dead? Okay its just a Ryan gosling movie out here I guess. Whatever lets go. Here’s some hatrebreed. But the windows are down. My mood is different. My spirit is lifted, which ive been desperate to say. I automatically get punched in the guts with the feeling of driving so fucking fast, and blasting title fight. Skateboarding. Looooooooooong drives with fucked up friends to out of state shows no one will be at. Im listening to Stab by Title Fight - off the Shed LP. What a specific time in my life this brings back. That I usually talk about on this little throw up blog often. Spring is such a pivotal time in my life every year. Since covid shows stopped - human decency stopped - community stopped - my natural habitat was taken from me, and all of my friends and family. I remember living in New York in 2011. At the New Yorker. I was studying at the Institute Of Audio Research to be a janitor in my home town. Because that’s what they teach you. Instead of studying compression, and listening to washed up hacks talk to me about music, I would walk out my building onto 8th ave. B Line it Penn Station. Get on the LIRR and ride that shit right into the best LI shows every night I could. Id meet all my friends from Jersey / NYC / Philly and even Baltimore because it was so common to make it a priority to no matter what, drive hours on end to support a hardcore shows and to not lose touch with the hundreds around the country that you call family. Drive to Richmond for a shows on a Monday night, go off, hit a diner after with your new found tribe, then drive home, be back at 6 am, and just stumble into your bullshit job with a black eye or scratches all over you. It was all worth it. Probably quit that job anyway to go on tour with your friends band and live as gypsies for the entire summer too. Spring embodies this spirit for me. Church parking lots in Doylestown, PA - full of kids from all over the country, who left their problems in their hometown, to just get on the road with their best friends and basically start a new life. It is just amazing how formative those years were for a lot of my friends. I have people I met at shows from all over the country messaging me always checking in, and supporting, and sometimes it feels like I know them better than my first cousins, aunts and uncles. We were at war together. We fought against the world together. We found ourselves together. We created shit from nothing. Determination and passion. Oh no….Planes by Tigers Jaw just came on. You know the vibe. This shit just hits so different now as a pop / hip hop producer. This PA scene, mixed with NJHC, just stood me up and gave me confidence to have my own voice, my own thoughts, and to fight back. Something about being in a shitty car and it smells like dirty vans and like…..axe to cover up the smell. BELTING Basement and car moshing and almost driving off a bridge. Listen. I know every single blog is about this. But fuck you fight me. ITS CALLED SELF EXPRESSION GRANDMA. SO STRAP INTO YOUR BOOT THINGS AND ENJOY THE RIDE TO NOWHERE. Its been crazy living in LA. I live directly on Hollywood BLVD, on the Walk Of Fame. Where I was almost killed two weeks ago over someones gang that my ass is not in. My guy looked at me and said YO YOU MATTY? And I was listening to Taylor swift in my headphones walking back from Starbucks and it was so funny how different my energy was. I was like bro can you kill me already dude because these Taylor tones are so good that they gunna just end up killing me anyway. So perfect timing. I think the guy was mad at my friend to say the least lol. But every night its loud 808’s, the sounds of the city, amazing energy, and neon lights shining in from lit up billboards off the BLVD. Its such a culture shock for me. I feel like im too aggressive just from being east coast. But its just what it is. It took me a little to adapt to being in sessions and meetings with seasoned people in this industry who have major cuts and recognition. But I just learned to double down on myself, and be as authentic as I possibly can be. Theres nothing like crushing writing sessions in the pop realm, then turning off my shit, unplugging, and run into the night with my skateboard and old punk records. It’s almost like my own secret that is becoming my blood. I haven’t been communicating with the ones who like my music, have interest in what im doing, come to my shows etc - since I touched down here….I just unplugged….started writing HEAVY and decided to dedicate months to getting better, learning, becoming smarter, discovering a vision that’s much broader than what were sold, finding myself, making sure my wisdom is parallel to my age - if not wise beyond my years. A lot of artists and bands SING, PLAY, PERFORM, PROMOTE. But I have decided to WATCH, ATTEND, and LISTEN. Everynight I sit down with tea, unplug, and spin records on my turntable…in the dark, in my living room, alone….all kinds of records. From The National, to Springsteen, to Title Fight, to Hendrix, to the rare Troublemaker LP and 7” I have…..Sharon Van Etten, Jesse Malin…..ugh. Its just bliss. Pure bliss. Right now im drinking coffee and bouncing from listening to Into It Over It and American Football. I spent all last night rapping my ass off, mixing, and singing ref vocals for other people. It was so fun. Im finding a lot of my new material is this spirit im talking about - but over hip hop production. I want to tell my life story and combat the stereotypes of modern rap and pop music with true intentions and unique tones of untold stories that press, radio, and this market usually doesn’t get fed. Ive also realized a lot of music I was promoting over the past year to come out (prior to the pandemic) hasn’t come out….and I know people are questioning that….what is happening? So before covid I had German solo dates booked - and then I was going to the UK right after. I have a bunch of single drops lined up with music videos. Some you can guess with who. And then the pandemic hit and I canceled everything and decided to pivot my focus into my passion for songwriting and production, instead of sitting around “waiting for shows to come back.” I pretended that shows were never going to come back and doubled down on my career as a producer, that at the time, still is, moving forward at a faster rate than my artist shit. So I packed my shit after offers, and opportunity presented themselves. Touched down on a Tuesday, with meetings that Friday. Off to the races. In sessions that following Monday. Fast forward here we are. Hungry, learning, learnt, turned 30. Looking at the next decade like Mcgregor at the weigh in. Fight ready. Ive learned so much since the fall that all of the music I had planned on releasing, I loaded it back up, tore it apart, and re built it. So its not stale, so its not expired, so its not “then”….so its NOW. Which im so glad I did, and im doing. I don’t think ive been in the booth more. My mind is so stimulated by this wave im on. And its got me in a good place. Now that the spirit of spring is here, my mental health is going to be taking a big leap as well and im going to do everything I can to just flood all of this content. I think Never Meant by American Football is the best song ever made. Me and Mike were talking about doing a song together a few months ago and that would be such a trip for me. 

I wanted to talk about my recent trip to Joshua Tree. I was invited by Christopher Thorn from Blind Melon to live at his studio for a few days to write together. I didn’t really know what to expect. I met him once or twice thru Clinch, and just around the Sea Hear Now circle back east, and I was familiar with No Rain (his hit). We got on the phone, picked a weekend where it’d work for both of us, got some covid tests, and boom. Packed my shit again (right off a flight back from New York, where I shot 3 music videos, and did 1 remote session in 2 fucking days), and drove out to the desert. There is no address so I had a map. It was epic. It was in the desert desert. Like THE DESERT FAM. Coyotes at night, snakes and shit. The air was so dry, your lips would get chapped to let you know death was right around the corner so you better man up baby boy. Beforehand - from all the traveling and flights, and burning myself out on videos and sessions, I found myself listening to a lot of acoustic Nebraska Springsteen type shit. John Moreland, or even like acoustic bayside, Lucero, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits…..just pure music with no samples, not gridded, not sold, no machine, no click, just real live country music inspired by the human condition….of the earth. It was just speaking to my soul…..so when we booked this to get in the room together….man was I ready. I don’t think ive had an experience so fruitful to the soul. And ive played shows in Slovenia, and sipped espresso on a bridge that looked like a painting, staring at subtle mountain tops off in the distance like I was a character in some book. We started working at night and ran it up till like 3 am. As the sun came down the lights off in the distance miles and miles away were so clear because we were just the only life form around….and it would just shine into the studio windows and reflect on the perimeter making it seem like we were surrounded by New York City. It did a lot for my soul to play drums, acoustic, sing, play piano, shred electric, even mix a little. I felt like I made a very fast lifelong friend. Its been a minute since I got on with someone like that. We talked a lot about growing up touring. And wed finish each others sentences regarding topics that ONLY people like us would know. Like Subway being a life line for DIY touring, or the weird strange feelings of comfort from rest stops in the middle of nowhere at 4 am, the rest stop coffee that you get to just make the next 2 hours of the drive into town bearable. But then you see your boy from your band in the other aisle so you throw shit at him. Then you all stumble back into the van/bus and just disappear into the night. This shit was so needed for me. When Id wake up, id make espresso, and just sit out front and listen to Joe Rogan, at this random chair that was behind his studio, facing the mountains. Just endless property waiting to leave you 6 feet in the ground. I sat there and sipped my espresso, and just reflected on the long journey of my career. How many random moments like this ive found myself in since I was 15. In the middle of the desert where Springsteen hangs out with my heroes, off the strength of my songwriting. Or in Romania drinking coffee, fucked off, on a bench far from the venue, by random train lines in the pouring rain by myself. The farthest from humanity I can be. Or the random VFW hall in my head that I don’t even know where it is, with my little punk crew, who all smell like complete shit and cigarettes and soda, fucked off god knows where, just to finger point and sing along to this band we found on myspace that were in OUR hometown the weekend prior singing to our band. Theres just an endless string of memories that can go on forever, with stories that just fulfill a lifetime, of conversations that just make the white lines on I95 move faster. Or just everyone is quiet - reading a book - texting - exhausted from the night prior - and you just ABRUPTLY turn on teenage dream by Katy Perry SOOOO LOUD - take your shirt off and start dropping it like its hot from the passenger front seat, and catch a mid afternoon front flip stage dive into the backseat. From those youthful days of this underground spirit, to existing in a realm of pure monsters of my craft, I truly believe this next decade could co exist and be one for the books. Damn I feel good. Also me and Sasso started a book club called BSU and you can’t be in it because you probably read books and the only rule for our book club besides not speaking about book club is, you can’t read books. Okay im going to go buy a bike right now so I can ride It to Mexico and get abducted by the cartel and sold for bitcoin. FAREWELL EARTHLINGZ. 

[mattyslittleworld]

Ferris Wheels / Cocaine

In a field at 2 am drinking tea and whatever spirits exist in this world are all in contact with me at the same time pulling me towards light. I feel like i am dreaming and carrying something. Like a vessel. A subject has been given to me. I am obsessed with the acoustic version of northern lights by the dangerous summer. Repeat. Play it back. I need to access these elements of the universe to create the hardest rap shit ever. I need to contradict that with drowning in acoustic folk music as if its the door that opens to walk into that different room. I fucking hate you you fucking piece of shit coward for doing this to me again. Its chilly out right now and theres a fire burning off in the distance and if you try real hard you can pretend it’s October and honestly its absolutely everything. 

ok

Im parked in front of a Ferris wheel in seaside nj. It’s misting rain right now and it’s 1 am. I caught myself drinking coffee and had to throw it out because I didn’t realize the time. I’m reading a book eating pink starbursts. It’s really interesting because through my misty car windshield the Ferris wheel lights are shining in. A huge illuminating heart is projected across the massive Ferris wheel blinking on and off changing into different neon colors. I think...shit. That’s crazy. Well that’s also nice due to the times we are in to spread love. But now it changes and the word LOVE spells out across the Ferris wheel and starts blinking and I feel attacked and taunted. I have an odd relationship with Ferris wheels. They give me hope. The st Mary’s fair near my parents house had one and just seeing those bright lights always boosted my spirit. I also fell in love on one, during the first date I ever went on with an ex of mine. I’m terrified of heights I don’t fuck with shit like this but I was all in. We paid got on and we were alone sifting through the air like a movie. 3 years later we are back at the same fair. Same us. Only growth, living together, fights, touring, etc has happened. We go on the Ferris wheel and I am terrified, no longer numb. And extremely uncomfortable. But I don’t think it was the heights. My focus wasn’t on her anymore. There was too much distance, we grew too far apart to avoid how much I hate this. Nobody ever speaks about the trajectory of Ferris wheels. What goes up must come down. The movies make you believe you fall in love on them. But at the very top of one, I realized in that moment I wasn’t in love with her anyone and we broke up shortly after. What goes up must come down. I’m certain we will never speak again - so I’ll always wonder if she ever felt the same way I did at the top of that Ferris wheel. 

The mist is coming into through the cracked window beside me and I just want to be. Exist. I’m in a light jean jacket and shittttt vans just desperate to be my skeleton. I find myself back in this song. Which is your eyes. Your heart. Your voice. Your frame. Your tears. Your skin. Your branches. Your autumn leaves. Your breathe. Your messy hair. Your sleep. Your coffee. Your sun. Is true love escapable? Can you outrun it? Have I been out ran? Maybe I am a neon light flickering in the far distance of someone’s life. Maybe I was the one that had to be left. I am no safe fucking bet. I can be a real piece of shit. I’ve done some terrible shit in my life to people I loved and hated. I’ve had long streaks of violence and pure evil intentions, I am damaged, I am broken, I am fucked up in all the unredeemable ways. I am a piano out of tune but still plays if you pretend you hear the notes they intend to be. I am this Ferris wheel that says love but only seen through a misty blurry windshield. But damn do I have heart and soul. I really fucking mean it. I really fucking do. Nobody has more heart and spirit than me. My fists are bloody and broken but I’m still swinging for what and who I love. I don’t care if it a broken record. This record is still spinning. It won’t stop. I’ve been having vivid dreams of somebody of my past - that I think I mentioned on here prior - and I can’t escape them. They’re so real it’s insane. It’s sparking memories I’ve had, very specific ones that are worth revisiting and writing about. But to anybody else they aren’t important or exciting because i romanticize the simple things in life when everything is so beautifully still and in place. My whole life revolves around chaos so most goes unnoticed - but when shit is still and comfortable for once it really seeps into the deeper layers on my being. I remember being in Philly - the last show of a weekend tour. Dead of winter / snow everywhere and we’ve been traveling around Virginia Maryland and now Philly. 

Side note: it’s raining and I want to run around in the rain in a suit blazer coat thing with a feathered hat and dance to this national song like a fucking dream.

Okay back to what I was saying. Gang.

The show was with Sean from modern baseball and Mikey and there were mad people there. I had no songs or records out just a guitar. This was the very beginning of a transition from hardcore to folk music and the months before this people thought I was a failure and was crazy and generally in disbelief of my ambition. But on this day I played to a lot of people, my songs, singing in key, with a guitar, dressed how I wanted to dress, on tour, and I was accepted. I had my girlfriend with me on the road at the time and having her there was everything. The van we rode in for the weekend run was going back south and we needed to go north so my best friend at the time - also a hardcore kid - came and met us in Philly he saw the show. We were all together. After the show we got in his car and we hit a wawa on the way home and I swear his memory plays like a dream in slow motion through my head. Of us hopping in the back seat of the car, with no room, just stuffed back there with our snacks and coffee - and off we floated back to New Jersey: in a 2 hour stretched moment of my fucking plan being real and working and still and calm and everything. Me and the girl fought all weekend on that little tour. But when my boy dropped us off at my car after Philly and it was just us we laughed all the way back home to where we shared a room and my parents house and we were whole again. Trails and tribulations. Love and pain. Growth and hunger. I sit here in the rain all these years later and contemplate what all that meant will mean and so on and so on. I have a lot ahead of me in the future. Some of the biggest shit I’ve ever had to conquer. A lot of pressure. A lot of work. A lot of becoming someone I never planned on being to where it makes me uncomfortable and scared that I’ll be judged by those who know the real me but this is where my life is going and I’m ready. The time is now and those little memories in slow motion revealed themselves in simpler times in a way to prepare me for now. In 6 years I’ll look back on this and see it in slow motion. Laughing. Crying. Here’s to the future even if it’s only seen through a blurry misty fucked up car windshield. But hey at least there’s neon lights. 

Fuck fight coke dust

We’re all fucked up in a cold world.

[mattyslittleworld]

Never Meant

I hear “What are we going through? You and me?” as I watch the sunlight literally tear through the black clouds that were hanging over my town. This is my favorite song by The National - Hairpin Turns. It’s so fucking brutal, and it seems like, to me, he is absolutely desperately fucking annihilated by losing whoever he lost. I’ve been there. And I thought I was going to be there again, pretty soon. I am currently pulled over in my car in a parking lot, as I was on a little drive through the neighborhood. Coffee and some beautiful, subtle music. The sun was out all day, and it’s t shirt weather. So me and Gionna’s ex boyfriends American Nightmare shirt (lol) went on a windows down stroll until suddenly the bright sky was filled with darkness. My one moment to forget about all of this madness was being pushed aside, I just wanted to pretend it was summer, shit was normal, and feel calm and collected, as if literal iced out trucks weren’t being filled with corpses outside of hospitals. We’ve all lost people, in a week, 5 deaths close to my immediate family, bringing my family itself stronger and closer together. Here I am driving into a storm, in a t shirt, just like the current state of American Society. Until.....the clouds part....and as I drive slowly down 35 north....the sunlight starts dancing in the most beautiful way. It was almost an epiphany and it made me think. It made me pull over - within the beautiful chorus of this National song...eloquently tiptoeing in the background. I felt calm. I smirked. If there was a god up top, I thank my guy. But it made me think - hey - we may be walking into a black cloud in just a t shirt, for we’ve been blindsided, but if you walk forward....maybe the sun will come and shit will be better than expected if we stand tall and be brave and love. 

“What are we going through? You and me...”

Currently writing at 2:15 am - two days later than what appears above this. 

I didn’t record any music today, unlike every single day of this quarantine we’ve all been locked into. I wake up, walk over to the mic, which is brand new - and pull up beats or pick up the guitar and hack away. Even if its horrible, its just important to me to get it out. Stack and stack and stack and stack. Ive discovered that during this quarantine - the isolation is making me look inward, and subconsciously pick away at the thing I’ve been chasing for the past few years that ive been so curious and scared about cracking open. But with no distraction of the outside world…because its literally shut down…it makes sense the little bits and pieces of this thing that’s been bleeding into my music….like I said with no distractions…POURS OUT OF ME effortlessly. Im like okay this makes hella sense. With dark city lights and the cage shit and even with the Albee shit I was like…okay this is a NEW DOOR. But do I walk through it? What do I wear? Can I walk back out or will it lock once I get in there? Is it a trap? I need more information. I need more clarity. So without me really knowing what’s in there - I feel like little bits and pieces have been bleeding into my work. And now I finally busted that fucking door down and it wasnt a room…it was the exit to the trap I was existing in my whole musical career. Now liberated. Now free. Now born. This has been so inspiring to me because what people don't really realize about this genre is that its a full on contact sport. Its competitive. Its similar to being an athlete. Which I was my whole life. Similar to basketball - you gotta stay in the gym and the more work you put in...the more shots you take...the better your jump shot is. same with this...theres a fucking skill to it. You can be really good at it. Or you can be trash. And you can utilize it in the most combative ways. It gives me something to attack and focus my need of competitiveness on. Another thing I can obsess over. The samples ive been using in my beats have not ever been used before. These ideas are brand new in this shit. The topics I am spitting about are so serious to me. I want nothing to do with the stereotypical rapper aesthetic - the gimmicks - the drugs….all that can fuck off. I want to make a difference and tackle drug abuse, depression, anxiety, anger, the violence ive seen my whole life, hardcore, my old friends, my new friends, my love life, everything ive experienced. Im using actual real names, with actual real life things that happened with 0 apology about how you feel about it. I want to utilize this to up the worth of my words and vocabulary and paint the portrait of my life. I want it to mean something. I want to make change. Even if its on a small level. Man I feel everything. Its insane how this could all be so evident with just non stop self reflection. You vs. You….who will you become? Like I said…wake up. Hit the mic or bring up beats and just cook. If that hits a wall…just study study study study podcasts and interviews for hours and hours and hours. After that ill play basketball, run a mile, work out, and take it down to Ozark lol. Im invested. I don’t do anything illegal cause im a lil bish ass pussy but I wanna do some crazy shit lolol. 

Anyway, original point, I didn’t record any music. I was feeling restless and packed my shit and drove for literally 5 hours tonight. Went up 287. Hit a few nostalgic spots that I love so much and hold close to my heart. I listened to all the music ive been making. But mainly the objective was to just take a day to free myself of this grind and quarantine and be a fan of music….in the world….and reconnect with that feeling it gives you. I listened to early Alicia Keys, first Drake album, some Russ, some old folk shit, so much beautiful music. Damn it really moved me. 5 hours I drove around just visiting places that my heart are attached to. Those milestone places. Little ones….like a diner in Clark I went to once but something important started there. Or a venue in Hackensack called School Of Rock that I met my boy Alex at…when we attend a Horse The Band show together with a few homies and I got yelled at by some girl by the Merch table cause I used to be so fat and moshed so hard and punched like 14 people in the face and it was so not cool and so out of place lmao. I was in a awkward dress shirt I looked straight out of fucking Billy Madison. Horrible. Its always so interesting to me to return to places like this…after years and years and years of it only being a distant memory…to kind of return and prove it was real. I am such a different person now. As we all are. But I really drifted into a whole other land of opportunity that exists outside of everything I grew up around. Socially too. So sometimes it really does feel like everything and everyone I loved….everything I experienced…was just a dream and didn’t exist. It’s so odd. People I knew for 20 years…have no idea about anything I do now. They just see my social media. But that line is drawn. And vice versa - everyone in my life have 0 idea of my life prior. The people, the interests, the stories I tell are foreign. They’re like hardcore? Whats that? And meanwhile that was the most important thing in my life for literally 20 years….and if you told the people in my life at that time that the people in my life in the future wouldn’t even know what hardcore was….theyd be thoroughly confused as to why I was lying to them. But life goes on…and hey…sometimes you gotta take a trip down memory lane and cry in your car tears of joy that you don’t have to fucking fight loading in your gear anymore and you get to have platinum selling artists touch your beats. Or you get to sing songs with billboard charting artists, who have the biggest billboards you ever seen ,light up Times Square right above the spot you found a 100 dollars with your first love. If you told me that when I found that shit years ago id be like eat a dick we’re going to see Ceremony at the warren American legion peaaaaace lolol. 

Side bar - im listening to the national again. 

But this time the song “Quiet Light” and I want to point out that I think its magnificently adorable that a lyric is

“Im not the spiritual type…I still go out all the time to department stores” 

I have literally no idea what that means but I think its mad cute.

Department stores are cute as fuck because “things” are cute.

Like little things to put on bigger things yanno lol?

I think this song is entirely too amazing to be released to the public, it really makes you question everything you ever made, and reality.  I mean the line “between you and me I still fall apart at the sound of your voice”…OOF. Im just sitting here at 2:46 am on this Sunday, with my eyes closing for small moments to really soak in the beauty of this master piece. Whoever he is talking to ruined him. Ive been ruined, I understand and empathize with this. Primarily making rap and pop music it really opens up my taste to this indie type shit…really falls right into that open wound in the best way. It stings because it hits home so hard, but its so eloquent at the same time. Almost addicting. I want to take a lot of these sounds recreate them, and apply that to the music im making now that exists outside of this genre. I think it’d be crazy and it’d cross two worlds that haven’t been crossed. Damn im out here giving away the tea to you useless fuckers. 

Last night I had a dream about an old friend, that I don’t think is healthy in this time of my life to be around….but damn…it was like I relapsed on the heroin of our friendship. It was the realest shit I have ever dreamt. I woke up - with the exact feeling you get when you go home after you hangout with somebody in the flesh. This whole day it was very real, and felt like I spent a whole night with them, and all my wounds were reopened, all the great times were revisited, and it was just brought to the forefront of my mental. As if we just met. Its crazy dreams can do that. Its just sad that this is such a toxic relationship, and the inevitable cannot be avoided, and a true bond that exists somewhere, deep deep deep down in it, has to be supressed because of the negativity it brings. In the dream we were older, existing without issues, exploring that bond, with issues pushed aside. It was beautiful. I woke up genuinely upset, confused, with a wish that maybe one day we could meet again In a place that’s safe and relevant to who we are. Im at a point in my life where I haven't answered the phone in month for anybody, answered text messages, my bags are packed waiting for this shit to be over with so the rest of my life can begin. Theres no time for friends, love, social activities, or anything that doesn't have to do with business. But there will be a time in the future. This has visited me in the past before. Its interesting when you have to suppress shit that’s extremely bad for you, because its the right thing for you to do…but then the universe bypasses that completely and shakes your fucking soul. During the rest of my day I started realizing that I am really not okay with this person not in my life, like deep in my soul. Its too much of a damn shame, we’ve been through too much together. Every huge milestone in my life as a kid was shared with this person…years and years of growth. Every story I share with people in my life now, was experienced with them, every amazing time, every horrible life altering time. I learned so much, and even taught. I became a young man with them, and then a man. How is it that these new people around in my life have my time…but this person doesn’t? One day we will meet again…when the time is right…..in a different time of our lives. When it’s right. For us. You were my best friend, and no matter how far we are from each other….I got you. In the  depths of my soul and heart. Id literally kill somebody and go to prison for murder for you. But if you happen to read this - you already know that. 

I am listening to “Never Meant” by American Football.

To quote Mike Kinsella 

“Lets just pretend

Everything and

Anything between you and me

Was never meant

Was never meant”

-1-

[mattyslittleworld]

East Keansburg

P: Rob Sellig 

2:48 am / Thursday morning. Im listening to this new Tsu Surf & Mozzy project, thinking about this kid I grew up around. Ive been reading he passed away, which is such a shame. We grew up playing basketball together at St. Catherines in EK, middle school, high school, alternative high schools, programs together. Troubled youth. I have this specific memory of him from years ago. I believe I wrote about it in my last blog post, about watching somebody get curb stomped. I was a lost kid, me and my friends aimless, drifting from group to group. Ended up spending a lot of late nights in EK wandering the streets. This night specifically, there were about 7 of us. A homie of mine was interested in writing graffiti, and this was before music, so graffiti was basically my identity. So we met up at his house, where my friend had a group of heads over, and they were partying, selling, and just going off. He lived with his parents, which speaks volumes, because at this time in my life, everyones parents gave up...nobody gave a fuck, except mine, but they couldn't control me. One thing leads to another, my boy wanted to go bombing. So we leave his house with our paint, and just take the streets, 5 reckless kids fallowing us on skateboards and bikes. Wasted, loud, rowdy, reckless, but as an outsider, I found a silver lining in their terror....it was a middle finger to the society that never gave them a chance. It was a brotherhood. This specific kid, at this point, was in and out of county, witnessed him fighting over and over in school, and in the streets since day 1. We were walking tall through the backroads in EK....they were spray painting cars...houses...anything. No fucks given. Wasted...they were breaking windows...kicking dents in BMW’s. Playing music off the phone...they were all they got. Another group of kids ended up on the same block....and they went off. A fight broke out....and I have this specific memory of boy ripping his shirt off, passionate, raging with anger, to protect his brotherhood, his street crew, his family. Being around him since I was a little kid, school, ball, mutual friends....I never got to know him deeper than this...but I would always see him and just salute his pride, and his will to stand on his actions, and his will to fucking fight for who and what he loves. Rest In Power fam. A lot of homies reading this from EK who follow my music...yall know who I am talking about. I never got to know this man - but I salute him for how much of HIM HE REALLY WAS. I remember in 2006, I was a freshman in high school, and my cousin ended up in a fight with a senior over a friend who passed away. My cousin was intoxicated during this time, in school, and I ended up beating the dog shit out of this senior as a young kid. These EK boys were the only ones who showed love, who stood tall behind me, making sure I was good, safe, and assuring me I was doing the right thing. Cant let your family go down like that. Rest In Peace man.

Last year, days before Tsu Surfs album Seven 25 dropped, he doubled back and we hit the studio and recorded a song called “Make You Proud”. He dropped the album very shortly after and it went #2 on iTunes in under 24 hours, and I was sure I wasn't going to see that man ever again. A year later, here we are...a day before he drops this joint project with Mozzy...that debuted at #5 on itunes, were dapping up at a film set in Queens, NY to film the music video. A YEAR LATER, this man gave a fuck enough to pull up and bless my career with this video. That meant a lot to me. I specifically remember feeling alone, hopeless, in some of the darkest moments of my life. Just listening to his tape over and over and over....running laps at the track at Mader Dei Highschool. It gave me hope, it motivated me to get over the feelings that were weighing me down. My life was changing, and this eased the pain. Nobody likes the motions of change if it includes losing people you love....losing the ability to do things you love...and going places you love. You have to find new health, new wealth, and new routines. My new found routine was coffee in the morning...spending an hour studying the industry...listening to my podcasts...then immediately running laps listening to his tape. Anything after that was subjective. Nowadays its basketball instead of running laps....but it gave me health. Mentally and physically. I could collect my thoughts. I could hear real stories....being gunned down 5 times and bouncing back...then charting. Here we are. On set....once again with Rob...my brother on the directing tip. My new lovely friend Victoria, who's a beautiful, ambitious, ride or die artist of her own. Robs pops. Mike Oliva, who is a SAVAGE photographer and film maker himself. It was a trip. Over the past year, kids at bars, hardcore shows, normals, civilians, people from all over and the world have been DMing me about simply just a teaser and a photograph of me and Surf in a studio. With Albee Al, Casanova, Cage - its all a specific group of people. Mainly mainstream music consumers...radio listeners...people who are tapped into Instagram and culture. But with Surf - Ive had the pleasure of speaking to people from all walks of life. Old hardcore friends telling me how much his movement has touched their lives...so wild. I was late to his wave...Belv actually told me to tap in and do it, and that's my brother so I made sure I did for the team. We drank hot chocolate and coffee, listened to our favorite music so loud, have such great conversations, got amazing footage that im so proud of, and just overall killed the mission. Nothing makes me more happy. This was a moment for me....because for the first time...im not in silly poppy clothes...im myself...im spitting bars on it...I feel and look like the person who was painting freights in 2007. And that is very important to me. Sometimes you can get swallowed by the wave youre riding...and I am guilty of that. It influenced so much of me...and recently I said look...fuck all this. Fuck everything except for whatever inside me still lingering before back and forth. Because if those passions, those tendencies, those people, are still here and within me...theyve been growing all this time, strong, sticking by me, and that's me. Shitty hoodie. Airmaxes or vans, shitty hat, stupid hair, cutty as fuck, smiling. dirty skateboard kid just trying be great man. I miss my old Mercer Ave skate crew. Its been years. 

Im starting to go through a new awakening where im witnessing the ones around me unfold in such a distasteful manner. Its pretty crazy to spend time with people, face to face, and have dinner, coffee, laughing with each other one on one....and in my head at the same time think...this mother fucker dead ass hates me. Wants to kill me. Wants me to fail. Fucks heavy with EVERYONE who has done wrong to me. Has talked shit behind my back. Has stabbed me in the back. And they are such fucking clowns....they don't know that I know...and they don't even comprehend that im being a bigger person and not addressing shit below me, because I don't have room for shit like that in my life. This is the time where people fuck with you one foot in, for opportunity, to hit a lick, to keep the link, to get to the people you fuck with. It is literally so easy to show love...and yet people close to you just won't. Its an interesting concept. I am fortunate in the sense that I am self made, self built, and already a black sheep. If everybody in my life turned their backs, it wouldn't touch my career. So therefore, I don't have this fuckery nature in my behavior. I don't fuck with you, I don't fuck with you. Thats it. Im learning you cannot trust people who fuck with you one foot in....because that means they're prepared to step away at any moment when you're down. They don't got your back. They are around people who drag your name through the mud, and they allow it. AT BEST...since they have one foot in....theyll tap in and say such and such said this....but why didn't you defend me? Why were they okay with these actions with you? Because your friend has their other foot with the opps. Fuck these types of people. Forever. Ive been seeing people put up with this behavior, and I figured id speak on it, because its been on my mind. You don't have to get treated like shit to fit in. Truth is, your friends are probably wack. Your friends probably hate you. Your friends don't want you to do better than them. And no, it doesn't matter how long you've known them. Most relationships stem and grow out of convenience, and lack of change, lack of ambition, lack of dreams and goals. I always thought, its actually very easy to be a good friend when they need you...in moments of tragedy and misery. Because that doesn't shake your foundation, and make you realize you aint shit. It doesn't challenge your framework. Its harder for most people to be a good friend when their friend is celebrating success, because the human nature is to compare, and sometimes that can be a mirror reflection of how you AINT SHIT. Recognize these people and cut this cancer out of your system. Or if you are this person, we all have been at one point, cone to terms with how wack you are and be a good person lmao. I want to see my plumbing friend look me in the eyes and go “im the best plumber in this area and im gunna kill this job and make a living for my family and buy a BMW”, just like I want to see my graphic designer friends believe after their hard work that they're qualified OVER SOMEONE ELSE for their job, to make a great living. Just like I want to see a musician, or rapper, talk his shit and believe in themselves, go platinum, and make a great living and buy a Range. Being around greatness inspires me, never scares me. I love being at the bottom, it amps me up. It gets me going. It gets me off. I love the fight, the grind, the game. Whether its music, or washing windows in the freezing dead of winter for commission to pay for fucking studio time to be where I am right the fuck now boiiiiiii. 

Me and Belv have some crazy shit coming. That is all. Okay bye. 

[mattyslittleworld]

The cigarettes on your breathe

4:30 am, Thursday morning. It officially feels like winter, and the seasonal idea of loss creeps in. leading me down many different avenues of memories. Im listening to an old band called “Lydia”. The song is called “Always Move Fast.” I would listen to this religiously and walk around my town at this hour, just alone and desperate to escape my demons. Ive been fighting depression since I was diagnosed at 15 years old and put on medication, that I immediately stopped taking. I wrote about it in my song called “Young and Fucked Up.” When it comes to my depression, its the mass part of me. Im 28 now, and only am I beginning to unfold it. Over 12 years of thinking this is how everybody works, how everybody acts, how everybody feels. Like they are dying. Im becoming smarter, and stronger, as I truly identify what this means. I believe my mood swings are manic. At the end of every high, a plummeting low awaits. If you know me - you have seen my mood off the wall, laughing, going crazy, yelling, smiling, saying dumb shit. Being a lot. That is a manic high, that is triggered by something very small, and under that a low creeps up and tears it down. I have a lot to be grateful for. A lot I am proud of. But it doesn't matter, these feelings are against my will, and are irrelevant to what I desire. I can only be strong. I have been brought to my knees, crying, drooling, hands on my head, on the ground, shaking, over losing my car keys. I have been defeated, convinced that I am not supposed to be a part of the human race, and that I need to die immediately, over the SIMPLE act of going to the DMV. Things like shipping a record, going to get groceries, are exhausting and impossible, and will rearrange your entire mental, and tie a rope around your neck. Ive dragged a box cutter through my skin, calmly, because it distracts me from what's crawling under it. Music defuses this. Long walks in the cold, listening to Lydia and Bright Eyes helps this. Long drives drinking coffee and listening to podcasts help me identify with other people, making me feel less alone. Growing up with this disease, like many others, you become a wallflower. Peers, and classmates don't understand why you do the things you do, or say the things you say, or wear the things you wear. Like now, growing up I had a bunch of different groups of friends, without a single real friend in any of the groups. A REAL FRIEND who knew what was happening in my head, who knew my family, who knew my passions, my demons, my ambitions. A real friend....man...a real friend asks. Ive learn to ask, and listen. Ive grown up alone in my head, pushed aside, in a social society that strives off of gatherings, substance abuse, and coming together to enjoy each others company. The idea of company makes me scared, I fear others. Ive been taught I am not good enough. Under the hands of depression, its very easy to get left behind, drift away, and become isolated. But the beauty of that, if there is any, is knowing who the fuck you are, and standing 10 toes on your own path. My depression taught me to be a man, to not fold under pressure, to solidify who I am to this world, and to fight back. To conquer, and make my own decisions with heart and commitment. I will never live a normal life, I will never be okay, I will always suffer from this. But flipping pain into success is what us people who go through this have to do. At a young age, the lows of depression would ease on my streaks of violence. I became ignorant. I became attracted to mass destruction, and hurting people physically. Or watching people physically get hurt. I remember I was out front of a friends house, who sold cocaine, and I watched somebody’s head get put on the curb, and stomped on. I was 16 years old, and it was normal, shit like this happened twice a day. As a 28 year old man, pushing 30, a collection of these maddening memories float through my head, revealing themselves in situations that could even be happy, during conversations about weather, while driving, debating sports - like a slide show...left to right, PTSD. As a 28 year old man, I am now JUST STARTING to understand what that means, what this means, why I am so gentle now, why I am so anti violence, why I shake from random sudden sounds in my kitchen, why a raised voice will trigger a manic low. Why it is so important to be around positive, creative people who ask and listen, instead of telling. Depression may have 75 percent of my being, but my 25 left is becoming so powerful, showing me how beautiful life really is. The meaning of a strong, solid, relationship. I would like to experience “Love” again one day, but I understand that trust is a sacred thing, and it has to happen naturally. I don't really trust many people besides Rob, Sasso, Alex, and Belv. Ive seen too much, I've been hurt too much, but not the type of hurt where its just unfortunate differences. The type where its intentional, finger pointing, as well as knives in your back from people I trusted. There was a point in my life where I really put 100 percent of my faith in friends, lovers, and the people around me...and sometimes I look around and realize that im alone, with maybe 2 or 3 people. The difference is, before things were this way....I had dreams that would never be able to come true. There was too much ambition in me, and a lack of ambition around. These days - im caught up with all of those exact dreams, and the only ones that are around, were around before I even started making music....the ones I DITCHED to fight in the streets, to hang out in trap houses, to rob people, to paint graffiti in private train yards, to raise hell with....I left them behind to be accepted...to take the wrong path forward to deal with my depression. We are here now - and they are back in my life, as they should've always been. And we are winning, together. And we are always going to win, because we aren't cowards. We don't fold. We fight. 

Fight the depression. Fight your anxiety. Fight your Bi Polar. Fight your suicidal thoughts. Fight back. Be great. 

[mattyslittleworld]

6.

I’m in a cafe in a French little corner of Toronto called Leslieville. I’ve been on the road for a few days by myself, about to start a Canadian week run. My bro hit me about booking a small cool situation and honestly I needed it. First show is a house show and I pulled up to load in...a punk girl full of patches watering plants on her deck. The house looked condemned. I walk in and the house smells like cat shit, there’s stains everywhere, food everywhere, spaced out wonderful dedicated humans, and hardcore posters all over the walls, showing the house shows they’ve thrown over the years. The punk girl said they’ve been doing shows for 6 years. They slide the couch over and setup a PA. This is exactly what I need in my soul. I grew up in these punk squats all over the world. I am this. I come from this. These people don’t know who Casanova or Albee Al are. They don’t know Fetty Wap or Tsu Surf. They know Realm Hulud and this underground culture they love applying to the outside world that pushes them away. A truth to be romanticized.

 I felt like I burnt myself out a month ago. Taking my dreams and flipping them into reality - the loss of friendship and love made me march forward and demand a new life and once that door opened I ran full speed and never looked back....until Quad Studios a few months back. I looked in the mirror and found nothing of the person I was - no resemblance of that kid. That scared me. So when John hit me with this I accepted immediately and packed my shit. I just wanna have convos about challenging, progressive, active things. Trade road stories. Talk about 7inches. Hardcore and punk. I’m grateful to be able to experience both of these worlds. I asked the punk girl if there was a coffee shop and she said there’s a booouuugie one around the corner if “you like spending a lot of money” and when I got here the barista charged me 2 bucks. I love that fuck the system attitude, although at the same time I think I’m becoming a part of the system - the sold out, corporate side of the music business that we all ran against our whole lives. I mean I just wrote a song with Casanova about texting. I just rapped 4 bars with Tsu Surf about gucci sunglasses and Louie v coats and fucking in the back of an Uber. 

I packed my shit and went to NYC and finally got to check out the Queens Bridge housing that Nas grew up in. They were huge. So many. It was so awesome. You can sense the pride and community. From there I just drove around NYC finding spots I used to hangout in as a kid. Blasting inspiring tunes and just vibin out. 

Ended up in Spanish Harlem, Queens, China Town. Damn I love New York. At 4 am I left and started my drive to Canada with a stop at Niagara Falls, where I had a Hotel for 2 days waiting for me. I checked in and just cooled out for 2 days it was amazing. I forgot how much I love touring alone. I drove a half hour to Andy’s house and hung out with him and his wife for the night. And damn did I need that. I needed trust. Loyalty. Familiarity. Friendship. Somebody who grew up fighting like me. Who left that life behind like me. Who’s been in real trouble and seen real life hell like me. We both came so far.  Beautiful.

Im currently in a hotel in Chicoutmi, Quebec. The window open, breeze coming in nice and sweet. Canadian currency everywhere. Coffee cups everywhere. Ive only eaten fruit the past 2 days. I feel good. Last night the drive was really lonely and long, but I toughed it out and here I am. Thinking back a few days ago to Toronto, I was so inspired and so electric. The hotel was right downtown and I walked all the way to Chinatown and the markets. Running around by myself blasting music. You go throughout your life knowing you need to outlive your demons - nights like that really defines that. The shows have been so cool. Great people. Great conversations. I have a few Canadians and im back in the states. 

Ive been editing three music videos along the way. One of which is with Casanova. Im really proud of this. I never thought id get to such a height of being in the room with someone as famous as him. We did the song and it was amazing - but for him to double back and hit this video with me and Rob, damn. The day of the shoot I was so quiet and so awkward before I left. Is this happening? Is this really a thing? Is he really gunna show up? A model is coming. Rooms have been rented. People have been invested. Its all on us. We got there early and set up the set. Ive said it many times before on here - my life socially is completely different. Everybody in my life is brand new and not many people know of my past musical endeavors or even my past in general. But having Rob and Colgan there with me really made me happy. Through thick and thin. I didnt hear from Cass all day so I shot him a text - no answer. I was like oh my god should I call and be annoying? Called him and immediately picked up AYO WHATS GOOD MATTY! 1030 right?! And I was like damn. This dudes a good dude. I asked him if he wanted any Hennessy and he said Yeah pick me up a bottle of dusse. I was like no problem dude….hung up…looked at Rob and went…”What is Dusse?” And he was like NO IDEA LOL. Hit Colgan who was on the way like yo can you scoop Cass some Dusse on the way?? He was like WTF IS THAT!!! I was like IDK so I did the whitest thing ive ever done (Besides being a white rapper) and sent him a google image screen shot and boom nailed it in time. Cass calls and belv goes to let him and his crew in and they mob up and its on. All love from there with such a good vibe. Me and my day 1’s making history…..I remember specifically me rob and Colgan at the port Monmouth skatepark hopelessly lost of a future. Written off by our town and society. Parents let down. Pieces of local shit that’ll amount to nothing. Here we are. Roc Nation….from the basements man. With Belv in the house - without him…none of this would be possible. Killed the video and it left me inspired to see bro just get in the back of a black suburban and drive off. Like damn. Thats wealth. Mentally, and financially. Thats inspiring to me. To be that much of a millionaire but still come and put on for some kids he sees potential in. 

I feel a void though. I want to share this all with somebody. Im ready for a relationship - I feel my mind and body gravitating towards that way of thinking and behavior. I think back to the days of having a home in someones heart….so comforting. I needed to run though. I needed this time. I needed to raise hell. I needed those fights, to fuck my life up. I NEEDED this. I needed to plant my feet on this planet and just get my name known. Make shit happen. The window is open right now…and a storm is rolling in off in the distance. You can see lightning. You can see the clouds darken. Wow. After this show im going to rush back here and just watch it on this sill. 

I feel extremely emotional right now. Im trembling. 

[mattyslittleworld]

Victory Lap

Gripping my skateboard while we walk up the steps of the Eltingville Train Station. Waiting for the train as I look over the small little town I grew up running after my dreams in. Coffee from the usual deli - only this time shits different. Way fucking different. Clothes the same. Company the same. But shits different. Were filming a little mini doc and were going from Bepas, taking the train to the ferry, then the ferry into Manhattan. Were out here. I haven't been back to this neighborhood, on this route, since we sold Bepas house. Im mad happy with my boys, but inside it definitely feels mad weird. The last time I was here I was dumped cold blooded, and all my friends said I was crazy and I found myself alone. On this route I wrote a lot of Setting Sail by BACK AND FORTH. Especially Little Bones. Staten Island imagery. Turnstiles, Princes Bay, etc. Forgot how beautiful the ferry is. Just sipping coffee and hanging out. I saw this little kid in a north face  - probably about 8 years old at most with his headphones in. Staring at the water on the deck outside next to us. I walked over to him and asked what he was listening to in his headphones. I noticed he was lost in it. Like I used to get. He said under his breathe, “beats”. That blew my fucking mind. This 8 year old kid WHO WAS BY HIMSELF MIND YOU is riding the ferry and listening to BEATS while he mumbles rhymes. I found that absolutely beautiful and SO complex. SOOOO complex. I told him I worked with Casanova and Albee Al and he started smiling and I told him to keep going and don't ever let anybody tell you shits impossible or stupid. Keep going and give this city we are staring at hell. What a trip. We got into the city and ended up in Times Square. We were burning the streets on skateboards bugging out yelling and having a great time. Out to dinner Colgan said Nipsey got shot 6 times and I froze. That man is my EVERYTHING. The self empowerment to get me up in the morning and shake off losses and the weight of the world comes from his message and music. While on top red step in the middle of Times Square, in the wind, Colgan yells from the bottom that he died from the gunshots. In that moment it felt like all of Times Square became silent and the world stopped turning. The weight of this - Jesus Christ. This changed the course of history and ill never forget that moment. We took the subway back downtown. Walking into the subway there was about 100 people and a man playing a Sax to a reggae ton beat. We walked with our heads hung cause of Nipsey in silence right into this crazy, community of ALL DIFFERENT CULTURES just dancing in the most majestic beautiful way in the subway. We sat there for an hour. It was so bitter sweet as nipseys soul hung over the city. Ill never be able to describe that feeling. It was a simple way the world showed me how people coming together can heal anything.

Yesterday on a run I get an invite to a private event Jesse Malin was holding on the Lower East Side. So again - I brought Rob and Colgan along. We didn't know what this really was - or who will be there, but we went out and im glad we did. What I appreciate the most about these two is on car rides, or walks, or just small talk in general, we talk about business. Trading business advice, or just maybe progression and financial support in general. My old friends used to sit in a Taco Bell parking lot and talking about other people. Now we talk about money. And how to make it. We park and walk up to the door and are greeted with access. I love this building and this place its so sick. The red vibe, the formal Gatsby - like attire and people who linger in the shadows. Cause everything is so dark. Jesse Malin is holding a private show, playing his whole new album plus the hits. I feel SOOOOO fortunate to be invited to this personally. Jakob Dylan is in attendance, Dude from Counting Crows is there. Jesse literally saved my life and pulled me out the mud. I feel like the luckiest punk in the tri state to be thought of. While the Saxaphones and trumpets are BLARING and everybody is dancing, I get a DM from a very very very famous rapper who got me through so much shit. Out of the blue. It says “Call me”. LITERALLY WHILE STARING AT JESSE MALIN. The inception and depths to this makes me want to cry. I am losing my mind. I exit the show im not even supposed to be at in the first place, to call this rapper who I feel like is just my ex girlfriend or somebody playing a joke on me, to call them. I feel like this is a joke. Boom its really him. He wants me to write him a song. Im outside this venue just freaking out internally. We say we’ll talk tomorrow more and get it done. I go back downstairs and enjoy the show. So amped - all three of us - we walk over to St. Marks to get dollar slices. Jesse is the king of NYC in his genre. This rapper is the new 50 Cent who is the king of NYC in HIS genre. How they both collided in that moment almost blew me into the stratosphere. So so grateful and humbled and just happy. All we wanted was dollar slices. We go cop them and just talk about how cool this is. After Colgan suggests we get Citi Bikes to ride around for a little bit. We buy 3 of them shits. As soon as we get on those bitches WE LIIIIIIITTTTTT. Burning through traffic!!!! Swerving and carving. Screaming in peoples faces. Throwing shit. We were fucking bandits on them shits!!!! We rode from St Marks all the way to Times Square. From Times Square all the way back down to the World Trade. World Trade all the way to Battery Park. Battery Park we just dropped the bikes and chilled in silence. Just feeling free and liberated. But not bum ass no job free. The type of free that youre on a life path confident free. I felt invincible. We rode by the water and the mansions. It was a movie. I was so inspiring to one day buy one of them. Wake up go to the kitchen on a Sunday see my family my wife my kids in the kitchen having breakfast, looking out the window drinking my coffee and seeing that view in the summer. Its possible. In this moment I realized we’re on our way and im so happy these fuck boys and fuck girls fucked all the way off because they're all dead beats still doing the same exact played out shit they were doing 4 years ago. From false toxic friendships like that ive learned how to treat people who come into my life now. EVEN IF THEY TALKING CRAZY who the fuck am I to know whats in their heart? To know their intentions? Always encourage and be there for them and to help AND TO KEEP THEIR BUSINESS BETWEEN YOU TWO AND NO ONE ELSE. Every single crazy thing I told my people who discouraged me - I did. But I don't do beef or negativity or issues or bad tension these days. So I wish all of them well, success, and good health. God speed. We went to see our old skate spots by battery park - I remember those days so well. Went up to the Brooklyn Banks and the guard said they'll be open by summer!!!! Skate city lets go!!! We rode all the way back to Ludlow St back to the car and stopped at a Mexican food truck to get burritos. We sat in literal New York city trash and ate them and they were so good. The Citi Bike Bell Bandits tore up the streets with burritos and bells private events dollar pizza soda and coffee. Again - another wonderful inspiring night in Manhattan with the bros. Cant wait for the summer. Cant wait for LIFE in general because my mind is blown and its proven to be full of endless opportunities if we apply the right energy. A 10 minute ride on Citi bikes turned into a 22 mile ride all over the fucking city full of laughs, shit talking, clowning, and beautiful inspiring energy accompanied by proper brotherhood and companionship. 115 collective shit. lets get it. lets sell out this pony show May 17th. 

[mattyslittleworld]

Selenas Diner

Its 1:30 in the morning and I am sat at a kitchen table in Hunter Mountain, near Woodstock. Im in a house that sits on top of a mountain looking over endless land. On the kitchen table are mixing monitors, my MPK 225, my Apollo twin, orange vanilla seltzer, cold black coffee, and a dying phone. Ive been here since 5 o’clock working on beats by myself and I plan on staying till Friday. By myself, talking to nobody, and just finding my soul. This is probably the most stressed ive been with music, this project im working on is bigger than me and I was asked by someone im a huge fan of to work on their album in CT soon, which includes some of the biggest rappers in the WORLD, so I figured id retreat by myself beforehand and get my shit together and cook up some dope shit. Theres an underlining emotion of lonesome in my heart right now. I am utterly alone, emotionally, physically, and socially. I don’t even want to talk. It took coming to the hills and finishing my music work to finally just sit down with no distractions or familiarities to have my heart ask me - what now? Scroll through my phone - nobody. I have run so far away from everything ive ever known that I don’t even know who I am anymore or what I am doing - all I know is I am eternally blessed to be on a path that in due time will work itself out, without a doubt. A new life. New people. New love. New everything. Bleachers came on and it was so loud, it was so perfect, i just basked in the greatness of that band and just danced around singing - it was almost like the universe giving me that moment to enjoy myself, solely for myself, to heal. Ego stripped, pride stripped, to be able to dance around like an embarrassing idiot. I could cry. Music is so powerful. Just the other day, I found myself in an interesting situation. When I was younger I dated a girl, and our first date was in the city - typically Times Square - and in the middle of all the mayhem, we both looked down and found a $100 bill under my shoe. IN THE MIDDLE OF TIMES SQUARE! What are the odds? We grabbed a bite to eat and then went and ran around the M&M’s museum right behind the big red steps. It felt like fate. It was fate. If I wasn’t already in love with her prior - I really was then. Before we left to go home - we took separate trains and mine was earlier than hers but I sat there and chose to take the later one, and waited with her. We sat there laying on each other up against the wall - two young fucked up kids takin on the big city together for the first time. I felt so fucking complete. Everything, man. All hell broke loose with her over the past 4 years, the wildest shit I ever experienced with another human being. Two toxic individuals - who were innocent and full of love from the start just turned sour together and the entire world couldn’t balance out this tension and frustration and static. She’s been on my mind a lot - not because of love - but because I feel like im mature enough to process that time of my life now that everything ive been searching for has been granted. A year ago I went to Times Square and sat on those red steps for hours, just in my headphones listening to J.Cole, fresh into a new genre, fresh in this new skin. Lost. So lost. I was walking out on a maaaaajor fucking ledge with these next few choices I was faced with. If I decided to do this then that b lines my life in another direction, away from everything ive built and everyone ive been growing with. J.Cole in that moment said “my intuition is telling me there will be better days” and I just started laughing as I got the chills. Looking at all of these billboards with people shining over the city, watching everybody get to where they’re going, neon lights. I just felt so connected to life in that moment - because of that line he said. I decided to change my life - leave everybody behind. Never talk to anybody ever again. Turn my back completely. Fuck these people, fuck their drama, fuck their friendships, fuck their loyalty, fuck all of it. My life will change, or I will die trying to change it for the rest of my days. Here, on these red steps, with the M&M’s museum behind me, as I reflect on the true love I lost, as I reflect on the 100 bucks under my foot, and push away my fear.

 I wrote a song called “Quick Love” shortly after. It is a Justin Bieber influenced, reggaeton type, pop single, where I bleed in auto tune about how I need to fall in love just to get my real true love off my mind. I need to fall in half love to fill her void. In the pre chorus I sing “we can get a room in Times Square tonight, ill drink black coffee, you drink wine. Remember when we found a hundred dollars that night? Ive seen the world and theres no home like your heart” 

Fast forward to last week:

I am behind the wheel driving over the bridge - Roberto sitting shotgun. We’re freaking out, as the morning prior I was woken up by texts from Roc Nation (2x) talking business and future royalty splits for a song me and Casanova are doing together. The session is at 11pm at Quad Studios in Times Square. I sent Casanova a bunch of songs but he he liked Quick Love. I produced this entirely myself, about you know what. Me and Roberto are so psyched - this is such a legendary studio where I always dreamed of being in - and in a situation like this? Dream come true for a hard luck kid like me. I was in Gionnas ex boyfriends American nightmare shirt and I looked like shit so I made Rob put up with me going shopping before hand because im mad corny. Casanovas music helped me get through a lot of tough times and I look up to this dude. Seeing him roll with Meek Mill, in all the videos. With Kevin Hart, Jay Z, DJ Khaled, Diddy, songs with Chris Brown, Tory Lanez, Cardi B - I mean like this is the biggest ive gone with music THUS far and im definitely nervous in the most exciting way. I feel proud to get myself, and rob, here. We are waiting out front of the studio and my backs up against the wall. What do you know? IRONICALLY the studio is DIRECTLY next to the big red steps in Times Square. I couldnt believe it. It all makes sense, and as we wait for the session im forced to stare across the street at the M&M’s museum and I just wish she was here, and I wish she could see this, but despite all that - what a time to be alive and go and fucking get it for yourself. In that moment I SAW us vividly find that 100 bucks under my foot, I SAW us across the street laughing holding hands falling in love, I SAW myself on those steps sitting there lost and making the decision a year ago to walk out on the wire - and here the fuck we are baby. Here the fuck we are. Flipping hard times and heart break into something positive. I get snapped out of it and those memories disappear. An intern comes and gets us and walks us through the lobby and we walk into the room and we were greeted with overwhelming love and support, and most of all, comfort. First thing out of Cass’s mouth is “I wanna kidnap you to come work on my new album you better be ready im dead serious” and then all I heard was a MAD loud AYOOO MATTTYYY THEY KNOW MY BODY on the track and I died laughing. We were all jumping up and down laughing and dancing to the track. But heres where it gets emotional - he started singing the Times Square line about the hundred dollars - telling me to make that the hook. We had an amazing session, made amazing fast friends. And this proves you have to trust your gut and walk out on the ledge sometimes. You don’t know where life will take you, if youre brave enough. After me and Roberto went to Tick Tock and had dinner then drove home.

Now I am in the mountains making beats for Casanova. 

Remember when we found $100 that night?

Ive seen the world and theres no home like your heart. 

[mattyslittleworld]

Snowbirds & Townies

1:42 am / Tick Tock Diner 34th & 8th Ave New York City. I don’t know what keeps bringing me back here. I was in Hoboken and grabbed my skateboard and hopped the path into the 9th street station in Manhattan. As soon as I got above ground it was snowing. Blizzard shit. I skated in the snow over to Union Square to see the punks but it was ghost. So from there I got lost in my headphones and skated all the way up 20 streets to 34th. The most free I’ve felt in awhile. I want to be so far from music. So far from anything and anybody I’ve ever known. It felt like I was a different person. Music isolates me, especially now, and it leaves me depressed and alone. During these dark lows I would stay at Bepa’s and talk to him in the kitchen over coffee and then hop the train to the ferry - into manhattan and get lost in a fake identity. Be whoever I want. Start over just for a little. But here I am, again. At the same diner that I lived above before I started touring heavy as a kid. Right before I took my first swing. The same closet sized room I’d leave late night and meet all my friends and just run wild in the city spray painting, skating, and terrorizing. But secretly deep down, hurting. Wanting something more. Edge of offing myself. Wanting companionship. Wanting love. Wanting to get the fuck out. Wanting everything I have now - and will have. I’m back here only difference is I worked with Cage. I sang for Shai Hulud, I’ve gained the respect and shared the stage with everyone I looked up to, I toured 14 countries, I worked with every top respectable rapper from the east coast, I’ve sold out shows, I released the album I wrote here, I did a song and video with Danny Clinch, I did a song with Jesse Malin, I played with HR from Bad Brains, ive played a sold out show at The Stone Pony (without an album), ive played a sold out show at The Bowery Ballroom, ive sang Clash songs with Brian Fallon and Craig from The Hold Steady  - I’ve done everything I ever wanted to do sitting in that room. I fell in love then out of love then back in love with my high school crush. I’ve been heart broken. Shooting the music video with Danny Clinch was intense for me. He’s become my bro and I’m mad grateful for his friendship, but damn was that wild. I was on a 3 day run. I hung out with a beautiful lady and passed out in my jeans after she stuffed my face with orange soda and candy and made me watch Ryan Gosling fuck a doll. I stayed up till like 5 am. Woke up in my clothes at like 7 am two hours later. Had the video shoot at noon and I was mad far from my house. Woke up shot up north with my Dunkin and picked up Rob. SOOOOO TIRED and sick from the soda and candy. Changed real quick and went to the studio where we shot the video. We set up the scene for 2 hours and got angles and then Danny got there and I’m tipping over tired and flustered from this pretty girl. We shot for a half hour then took a break and I was nodding off on the floor during the break. Came back and killed off the video by a piano. After that me and Rob were mind blown over this goal being accomplished. Gratitude isn’t even the word. Next day I get hit by Tsu Surf with a time and place for a session last minute so me and rob drop our shit and shoot over and bang out this hit song that’s got a summer vibe that I made off the influence of this pretty girl. He killed it. I’m an actual fan of him so it was mad cool we could get in the room together and knock this out. That was the first time ive ever collabed in a “Industry” setting where its all bout business - very corporate. I had to adjust to that environment and put a suit on. Times like those make you realize your love for music, your passion, and your “art” simply just don't matter. These managers and shit just don't give a fuck about your grandpa dying and the song you made out of it, or the girl you love and the song you made out of it - they're like yeah fuck yourself lets get money - and you have to jump in or jump out. I jumped in and learned my place. It’s wild to think of what he’s been through over the past few years. Getting out of prison for attempted murder then getting lit up 5 times, surviving, and then while you’re healing you make a tape and it goes up the charts to number 2 in a day, unsigned. Mad funny seeing local level bands desperate to get signed - they don't even know what that means now. My pleasure to work my man, I salute you with honor and respect. After that session I went home and took a week off, after non stop grinding for the past 2 years. The Danny Clinch video shoot right into the Tsu Surf session killed me off. In Surfs studio I couldn’t even keep my head up. I’m so burnt out. What am I searching for here at this diner? What is my soul lacking? What is my heart lacking? I spend many nights here alone, staring out this window drinking coffee. Missing Bepa. Missing people. Missing a certain time of my life when everything was free. But not in a I need to get a life and move on kind of way. It’s not pathetic. I have moved on. I did get a life. I did pretty damn good on my own. I got it from the mud. So why look back? It’s hard for me to mix my social personal life with people I know from music. They don’t know the memories I have, they don’t give a shit. They don’t know anything about me. They don’t want to find that liberating freedom that I am searching for when I come to this diner - that I had when I lived here. I still don't want to get drunk or high. I don't want to watch you get drunk. You could be sober and grinding with a clear head. I want to spend time with people like that. Gorilla promotion. Animalistic work ethic. The snow is coming down fierce and I gotta skate back to the path to go back to Hoboken, then drive all the way home. I won’t be home for awhile. Hopefully till the sun comes up. I want to be lost. I want to be gone. I want to be bliss. I want to walk into this pharmacy across the street again and get cherry coke 12ozs and just sit on my bed and watch blacklisted videos on YouTube. I want to go to pen station and grab a soda and a magazine and take the LIRR to a hardcore show and not get home till the next morning. Strung out after a night of fucking mayhem and laughing. Love, friends, and just fucking beauty. We can still be beautiful. After the money - you can still be whoever the fuck you want. Let’s be beautiful and reckless and never sleep. I love my life. I hate my life. I’m happy. I’m depressed. I want to live. I want to die. I am alive. I am dead. Now on the train back home, braved the blizzard. I noticed a void in how music has been touching me lately. Anything hip hop related seemed stale. Any Americana or folk seemed dead and expired. Rock n roll boring. Even heavy hardcore was horrible. I ended up in a wormhole of bands like Thursday and From Autumn To Ashes. Poison The Well, even weirdo shit like It Dies Today. Folly really hit me hard. I have specific memories to these records and they’re so beautiful and god damn I miss these people. Being in middle school and debating the differences between FATA and PTW. As I’m typing this I just got noticed on the path train for music and they complemented my shattered realm hoodie and I showed him I was listening to from first to last and he died laughing. He said he heard my career was “bumping” and I’m sitting here soaking wet freezing and hungry on a train in all black curled up in a ball around my skateboard. Emily by FFTL is the best song ever written. Even better than Bob Dylan. Fight me. 

[mattyslittleworld]

love doesn't mean it'll last

I went for a walk a few hours ago to listen to some music. I got caught in a thunder storm, hiding like Tom Hanks with a volley ball, under some hangover at a school near my crib. I had to sit there for mad long. A cop drove behind it and asked if I had a warrant, wanted my name and address and all this shit I was like you’re bugging. Then drove away without giving me a ride back home like a typical trash middletown cop. But I was forced to sit down and listen to music and relax, it was actually amazing. I listened to The National’s new record Sleep Well Beast. I listened to City and Colour’s new live album. Ben Howard records. Owen’s cover of American Footballs “Never Meant”. I know from my IG and the public perception im very heavily into Hip Hop and shit but I don’t think anything can touch my heart soul and interest level like these records and artists do. Indie / Folk music really cuts deep. Some of my favorite bands are Thursday, Death Cab For Cutie, The Postal Service, Bright Eyes, Elliot Smith, Dylan, all that shit. I came up on that shit. Bands like Mae, or even Metalcore that crossed over into clean jazz parts like Misery Signals and 7 angels 7 plagues. Their piano ballad jhazmynes lullaby changed my life and I got that name tattooed on the tops of my wrists. I think that was the first time I realized you can be into hardcore, create hardcore, have the stereotypical lifestyle and look, but still be emotional. They’d go from the heaviest breakdowns right into clean pedals delay and beautiful soundscapes that you could really get lost in on a night like tonight stranded out to sea. 2 nights ago Albee played his first show back in New Jersey since the D.A. unbanned him. It was crazy. I pulled up solo and met up with them and it was crazy to see how many people fuck with that dudes movement. It was also crazy to see how famous and embraced Fetty Wap is. He was mad cool. Anyone who’s family to Belv is family to me. The crowd freaked the fuck out when he came on stage it was so sick. There was like 50 of us on stage it was such a good time and im glad I went. Makes me so stoked on all the work me and Belv have been putting in. We both got albums on deck for 4th quarter 2018, first quarter 2019. The new Mozzy came out and im sitting here just vibed out listening to the song “Blackhearted”. The beats this dude picks are so beautiful. Like piano ballad beats with soul samples, he seems very intelligent because these bars are insane. Tonight I met up with Jeff because he have this weird tradition of just going to as many shows as possible. We saw Brian Fallon again at Count Basie in Red Bank. First off - ive been working so hard lately that ive been feeling extremely extremely extremely alone. I don’t hangout with anybody 1 on 1 these days, I don’t really go out side. I literally don’t even have a social group. I travel everywhere alone, and I just in general move by myself. Im at a point now where some people have tried some fuck shit to get to some of the people ive been working with. Before this I was so busy recording so any social time to myself and “friends” was basically engineers, collaborations, and music related. The whole “go to the movies” type of social life or any normal shit has just kinda been erased from my life. Sometimes when Im out, in passing, ill see a group of like 5 or 6 kids just laughing passing me. Bonding in the simplest way and it makes me choke up. I love it. I haven’t felt that in mad long but when I think back on when I did have that - in the back of my head all I wanted to do was get a shot at music. So now that I have that shot I have to bite down. Im foaming at the mouth for this shit. Anyway tonight with Jeff was the first in awhile where I put shit aside and hung out and caught a show outside of some business shit. I appreciate that dude probably more than he realizes. He saw something in me, a fight, a fire, and linked me with Jesse - who literally spun my life in a 180. Brian is probably one of my favorite songwriters these days. I know thats a cliche thing to say but I really was there from the jump, like Myspace days. Ive met him a few times and he has a tattoo of a band I Sang for and we chopped it up and he was a really nice dude. After his show there was an immediate standing ovation. Im talking like within a second the entire sold out count Basie theater jumped to their feet and roared. It literally scared him. The look in his eyes was so unreal. I could see him thinking “how did I get here?” For kids like us its a dream to play that room. I cant imagine 10 years from now being blessed enough to sell that bitch out with a standing ovation. Within that moment I can tell he went right back to being a kid walking past that shit with “one day” eyes. I really had a good time tonight though. It was so nice to get out. After I caught up with my boy Joe who booked the show and runs The Basie. The shit he was saying to me put me on cloud 9. So encouraging. He mentioned my work all across the boards, in all genres and told me to keep going. Its hard sometimes to hold the faith but times like this when a dude who used to book your hardcore band and is now booking these crazy concerts says keep going for said reasons….damn man. Makes me wonder. Its 4:30 am and I had food and watched Ebro / Genuis interviews and passed out so im probably up for the day. This Mozzy record really is amazing. Now that im getting older im finding myself wanting to settle down with a girl and spend more time with my family and hers. That aspect of my life is creeping up. Ive never felt that. Every relationship ive ever been in was shit and stagnant with people who switched up. Ive never felt true bond. True companionship. True love. True strength. True ride or die I got you till the end marriage type shit. My hearts been empty for so long. My hearts been closed. But tonight I walked from Starbucks in red bank to the Basie, with a cup of coffee, felt the breeze of October…..and I just felt my heart being open again. Its still empty, but at least its open and I felt warm and excited for one day hopefully having the opportunity to meeting somebody that will let me make them coffee. I know that I have met her. Ive known her for about 10 years. I feel her deep in my soul….but sometimes love aint enough so ive been faced with the crossroads and I had to move forward. Hopefully one day it’ll pan out because my fists are bloody from fighting. You know who you are. I know you’re reading this. Im looking forward to halloween, and the holidays and the cold weather. Spending time by the fire, having good coffee, with good people that ive neglected over the past couple years due to tour and life and me being a dumb kid. I feel the energy shifting. I feel the industry shifting. I feel them watching. I feel her, I think of her everyday, I hope she thinks of me. -1-

Mozzy - Black Hearted 

[mattyslittleworld]

1 up top ahk

Over the last week or two I’ve had to time to reflect of things that have been lingering in a negative way. But since I’ve been running fast, I’ve been pushing it aside and smothering it. I think all of this music I’ve been making, all of these collaborations, photoshoots, video shoots, traveling and just over all activation is me out running and avoiding Bepa passing away. I don’t think my mind could really handle that...ever. Everyone goes through this and everyone is stronger than me. I’m a coward. I walked away from that and never looked back and avoided it entirely. But very recently passing through the kitchen I’ll look at the family pictures instead of subconsciously turning my head. I feel it slowly coming back to me in reality like a dream becoming real. That friendship seems like a dream, like when I think of it and that dude as soon as it seems to become tangible it disappears. I get lost in those moments a few times a day. Something in my mind broke that day but in a beautiful way. I became a man. I’ve dealt with enough loss in my life to think I was good but this was a challenge. This was get up and change your life. Stop sitting around crying about these people who make fun of you, stop running around in this same circle, stop chasing your tail. Man up and do something with your life. But in the most beautiful way that was like believe in yourself. He was one of the only ones who believed in me, so bedside I had to make a promise to myself to do this shit for him. I’ve since met the most beautiful people, met a beautiful girl, and really came a long way just as a human. Me and Belv played an acoustic show in Asbury with some great people then immediately had to go to this club because we had a walk through. It was a college club on a Thursday - line around the block. Kids EVERYWHERE and lights dancing it was just so insane. We got rushed through the back door, through the kitchen and behind the DJ booth and he debuted our new single F Being Friends and it was crazy seeing ny voice go up in a club like that. It’s also so weird being a straight edge hardcore kid in this whole other world. I always thought my musical life would move forward within an underground culture but instead it flourished in a pop normie mainstream world and it’s a culture shock. So the owner of the club was feeding us all drinks, all heavy alcohol except the Red Bull’s she kept handing me. I was wired white girl sugar wasted dancing to gods plan like nobody’s business. Then we shot back to the show we played an hour before and it was all love. The juxtaposition of these two genres being parallel with each other is so funny to me I love it. Belv hit me last minute to be in this documentary about Hip Hop and the growth of it in the area. It’s with the producers of Impractical Jokers, and featured in it is Method Man, Bon Jovi, hella poppin DJs and it was a blessing. It was setup like drink champs we all sat in a circle in the back of a cigar shop. Cameras everywhere and everyone was smoking and it was just open discussion. It was wild. Belv squashed a crazy beef on camera between him and some crip and it made me happy. I don’t think a lot of those kids knew how much about rap I know and been a part of. I think they just think I’m the white kid next to Belv. But I’ve been a part of this culture since I was in middle school from rapping, to making beats on demo versions of Fruity Loops to painting graffiti on 287, freight and clean trains, to being around gang culture because I was always fighting. So when I had a strong opinion I think people were taken back. I think everyone should have a strong opinion about Shit they care about in general. It means you got passion. I felt grateful to be a part of that experience and the other documentary we are in. I didn’t really realize what dark city lights is doing because I’m always onto the next shit but I’m proud and happy it was a POSITIVE mark on this little subculture. This morning I signed some papers for my album. Put the order in for vinyl. And it has a release date. What a trip. Striking deals as an independent artist, with the same companies everybody my age is striking, as a signed artist. I learned from watching the absolute nothing these people are getting. It’s insane. Go against the grain and don’t conform. These people don’t know shit about anything and I swear they walk around like their gods knowing what’s good. I’m literally ready for Christmas. Like let’s fucking get it. Snow Christmas trees lights frank Sinatra fireplaces cute porches. Who’s going to come with me this Christmas and drive around Asbury looking at cute porches? Lmk. I’m rambling now. I’m happy. I’m drinking my pumpkin spice coffee outside typing this on my phone while I listen to music. Waiting for Rob to come by so we can kill off these two videos. After that we got a few more and were Gucci. I can’t wait to finish this song with Chad B, it’s fire. Same with Arsonal. They’re two great artists that I think are gunna be stoked when they hear this shit. I like working with people like this and offering them something they don’t already got and kinda taking a step back and looking at their catalogue and being like okay this is a hole I can fill. But you gotta be super dialed into the game to understand the threshold of what’s even possible within the realm of failure and success and where an idea could fall between those two. I dropped a flier with 4 shows I’m doing in Canada. I had an interesting outcome with that. People were hitting me up like crazy which I loved but it’s wild to think oh shit a lot of these new people are form a foundation that is built off of this new attention from the past year. They haven’t seen that what I do and been doing for 10 years is touring. So to get that reaction as if I’ve never done this was a TRIP and I LOVED it but wild. Tour is what I do and what we do and the end goal. I’ve toured 14/15 countries arguably 16 as an indie artist in 3 different genres from basements to arenas then took a year off to record and now these little dates are to just get back in the saddle. Okay robs here back to work I go. Brb. Okay I’m back. It’s 3:39 am and I’m pounding coffee in unreleased 115 merch editing all these music videos. I killed off 2 tonight. I’m a psycho and need everything to be how I envision it so I have to direct and edit everything myself. It’s such a good feeling having this shit done. I’m now watching the new Mozzy press run for his new album. I love this dude he’s such a poet it’s crazy. Pac of the modern times. I run miles to his music and when my life was down his records really pushed me to better myself. That and wins and losses by meek. So crazy. When your backs up against the wall and it feels like it’s you against the world that’s some good work to push through it. I haven’t been seeing daylight too much or having much human contact these days. I can’t wait to just get back into the world after taking care of all of this. I pray that this shit opens doors and is accepted well, if not I’m proud of it all. The other night I was driving around and ended up in Asbury and I hit the Gallery real quick and there was a sea hear now event and I walked in and Danny and Rachel told me to play a song and threw me a guitar and within minutes I was on stage with Danny and it really dawned on me how beautiful life is. How is that possible? To see music touch people. To be a part of that. To be wanted to sing. To kind hearted actions of these beautiful people is so inspiring and I’m a student to them when it comes to being the best person I can possibly be. Saturday Jesse Malin is playing the fest and I wanna catch his set then shoot up to Rahway and catch Albee Al at his jersey show. I’m stoked and happy. I’m gunna be up all night and day again. Probably going to go for a walk and listen to music. I feel inspired and I feel humbled. Stay inspired stay weird stay young and stay hungry!!!!!!!

[mattyslittleworld]

party in the bush

I’m sitting in the 9th street path station. I walked around the city, as I tend to do, listening to mixes and masters and writing. I get so inspired seeing groups of friends running around the village with excitement. I really get a kick out of seeing people get caught up in their little moments and their path. Even like arguments and frustration. It really reminds you of empathy and that all the people around you have lives with a lot of emotional shit going on. Tonight it feels like Autumn and that’s a really weird feeling for me. Growing up there was a 2-3 year time period where every autumn I lost a close friend due to some reckless stupid shit, most of them died from car accidents and over doses, some I lost through incarceration. But my point is that it was always in October. As soon as the air starts to get cold I immediately get brought back to those times of just adapting to how brutal the world can be. I also have fond beautiful memories of my friend group coming together to heal each other’s wounds over our constant losses and grow as a community. We would all just camp out for years on end at Kait McCarthy’s house in EK by Mcmahon Park and never sleep or eat or have any idea what the future held. I remember I was in love with this girl who id do anything for. I wrote about her a lot on the Jailbirds album that’s about to come out. I wrote about her on the songs “Navesink River Road”, and “Meet Me In December”. I would just sit in Kaits house with my friends and dream about getting out of this shitty town and making dreams come true. Fast forward Danny Clinch actually sings “from Kaits house of abandoned romantics we slept like the dead lord we dearly missed” - on a song called Jeralyn that I wrote about that era of my life. Pure reckless abandoned love and beauty and pain. How ironic that ended up being. To have that man all these years later sing those words about Kaits house and the death of our best friend Dana Centanni. Damn I remember that like it was yesterday. I miss her so much. I wonder who she’d be now. So successful and beautiful and I’d still be chasing her. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if she came home from the mall that day. Would we have started dating? She said we’d hangout that night and the next time I saw her was in a casket on 115. That’s where most people I love ended up. I must have written 8 million songs about her and that tragedy. As soon as the leaves fall I feel that shit in my soul. I also remember our friend Pat died. I was always scared of Pat. He had long hair and was super badass. One night at the st Leo’s fair in Lincroft, a mob of no less than 50 of us left the fair and were walking down the street to go have a brawl behind the elementary school. There were so many of us. I was walking with him and 3 grown men from Asbury walked up to him and asked his name and the second it was given one uppercutted him to the ground in front of me and 3 other friends and they stomped him out in front of us and we were so young and just frozen. It was just so far beyond the scrapping we were used to. Pat got up like a champ, the men walked away, apparently it was for beating up their friend in RB a week prior, and like nothing happened he wiped blood off his face and we went behind the school and everybody went wild. Well weeks later at Kunkel Park in Leonardo, NJ (the hockey rink) we’d all hangout I’d watch everyone do drugs and we’d skate and fight and meet up with girls...me and Pat tried to burn the hockey rink to the ground starting with the wooden penalty box. It was so funny. The hole is still there to this day amongst all the horrible memories of sex drugs and whatever else happens in that movie KIDS. Not long after Pat ended up getting into a car accident. I heard his ribs pierced his lung. He died and it shook the town, and you can still feel it. You can STILLLL feel the legend in the wind in the fall. Amongst Dana. I remember my cousin and our friend Zack got drunk before school in honor of him and came in hearing about some senior saying he was glad Pat died so my cousin drunkenly tried to square up with him. I walked over in a 2xl parka with the hood up and got him out of there, chipped the senior up, turned myself in and that was the end of Highschool North (weeks prior I pulled a box cutter on a kid at Tindall Park and he snitched and somehow Tom Sasso got in trouble?). Onto South Visions where the fun began with all my new friends. I specifically remember being really into bands like Thursday, FATA, Underoath, and all that vibe. I had long emotional hair, kinda like I do now, but for some reason the wave was looking like a girl. Tight jeans, bracelets, the whole thing. So everyone would like blow dry their hair and shit and rock circa survive Merch (when they were a small band) and it was cool I promise. So one morning, I wake up, I pick out an outfit that I think is CUTE and I blow dry my hair and do the thing....go to visions and BOOM its a class trip day. AND THE CLASS TRIP IS TO THE FREEHOLD COUNTY JAIL. Because we were the bad kids. So we get boarded onto this bus, and off to jail we go. I literally got dressed up, blow dried my fucking hair, wore my best shit....to go to county. The inmates were fucking with me so much but for some fucked up reason the way I am I was ready, I wasn't scared, I was like yo fuck this let me at em!!!! which isn't cool. My best friend standing next to me the whole time while we navigated through the system for the day told me “Yeah I just did a week here last month, I don't know why im on this trip. im actually in the system” - he's still a close friend of mine and went on to do time there again for assault with a deadly weapon and somehow my name was in the middle of it and im glad I wasn't there. I remember when Dana died I felt crippled. I couldn’t get out of bed and my teacher Dallessio noticed I wasn’t in class and came to my house and personally woke me up and drove me to school. He cared that much. That changed my life. He was already at school saw me NOT THERE, LEFT THE CLASS, drove all the way to Middletown knocked on my door walked up my stairs and got me into his car drove back like nothing happened. If you’re out there, thank you man. Eternally. That put me on the right path. Damn the cold weather brings so much back. Like my whole class erupting in a brawl and a desk flying through the dry wall into another class room. Or having to have security bring you to the bathroom because you’re a threat to mainstream students. Came along way. From that to Sold out shows all across the world with my hero’s and being able to make records and tour and to take my terrible decisions and Fucked up past and dress it up as wisdom to guide the youth the best I can. Now that I’m in this weirdo folk rock Americana world, I don’t think a lot of these people understand where I come from or who I am. I stay low. But like YG says - STAY DANGEROUS!

[mattyslittleworld]

Happiness is an interesting thing. When unhappy people see you happy, they immediately think why not me? Why is HE happy? Why can’t I be? YOU CAN!! The only thing you can do with that jaded mindset is to accuse those who are happy to being arrogant, delusional, and play the victims role as if you’re under attack by them personally....as if they were throwing it in your face - which is only really misunderstood for being bright, bubbly, positive, and taking your biggest best swing at the world, and you're just a witness to that. I see their perspective because I used to be so unhappy, so anybody like that I would think who do they think they are? They really think they’re the shit, and they’re not, and they’re going off the rails...stay away from that person they're crazy. My whole life I feel like I have been juggling different ideas of happiness, what it means to me, my relationship with it. I don’t have any answers, just an observation that I identify with that I’m trying my hardest to move on from and grow out of. I’m practicing the “if you don’t have anything positive to say don’t say it” mentality and it’s bringing a lot of light to my days. I’m in Asbury Park walking on the boardwalk after seeing Dashboard at the summer stage. I saw Joe None and that’s always rad. He told me Julien Baker is a Shattered Realm fan and thats so wild to me. I’m physically shaking because I’m so hungry. All Time Low was up next and MySpace pop punk in 2018 is the weirdest thing in the world to me for some reason. All love though. Its now the next day and I just woke up and im having coffee listening to music in my headphones. I just watched that movie with Kyle in it called The After Party on Netflix and its literally me and Belv and I died laughing. Im feeling so inspired by so much different music and it seems like I cant stop smiling and shaking. One minute im listening to hardcore, punk, then one minute im like I wanna make a band like UNDEROATH!!!! then next minute im an RnB singer listening to shit like that. I love it all I just don't give a fuck what people think anymore. People tell me im wrong for what I do, what I like, and my plans (mostly people I fuck with on the reg which is wack af) almost every day and I just sit back and laugh it off because they don't understand. Last night I was driving past the Asbury Lanes and I realized Thursday was there. An overwhelming feeling came over my body to go inside. A lot of wreckage and bad bad bad bad bad emotions are attached to those records and that scene so for the past year ive just been moving forward as hard as I can, pushing any and every tiny little thing that has to do with that time of my life as far away as possible. I bought a ticket in the parking lot and was gunna do the whole im almost 30 thing and stand in the back and hopefully go unnoticed. I found that band when I was a social outcast, when I was alone. At a crossroads with my life, when I was an athlete...a point guard...a very good one. But I wasn't cool. I was bullied and picked on every day. I would come home from Basketball practice every day and change my clothes and listen to Geoff and those records at my crossroads and he made me comfortable in my own skin. Made it okay to be alone, and gave me the courage to be myself and to say no to the peer pressure of the jocks and the fucking dorks who all went on to have serious issues and end up in prison. I walk in alone, stand in the back, avoiding everyone who is ashamed to once call me a friend, and as soon as For The Workforce Drowning kicks in I just snapped physically and emotionally. War All The Time is such an incredible era for me. I remember standing out front of Thorne Middle School with all my shitty friends with the actual physical CD because it came out that weekend. A few kids there were talking to me about what im doing with hip hop / rap and the people ive been working with and it was such a trip to realize how much ive changed as a person over the past year in ways I love and don't. Im glad I went because I miss that person I used to be. When I left hardcore and decided I wanted to pursue actual singing - Geoff was the first person who played a proper show with me. Paul Brown booked him in AC with Vinnie from The Movie Life and had me open. I had no music out. It was just a pipe dream. People showed up like what Matt is named “Matty” now and he sings??? It was so funny I was so bad and Geoff used my guitar and he was wonderful. Last night was awesome. Glad I went. I feel very fortunate to be on a path with my career thats based on Integrity, talent, pride, and passion......completely separate from politics, scenes, social ladders, and hidden agendas. Im just happy I can go to a hardcore show for the music and stand alone and ONLY listen to the music. Shout out to everyone who's been supporting. This morning I realized I have a full LP on deck ready to go. And a couple years worth of singles and collaborations with some of my favorite artists. Without your support and love, that wouldn't be possible. Goin to see Thursday balanced me out and gave me perspective.

xoxo 

[mattyslittleworld]

Ghosts on the Bowery // Insomnia in Manhattan

5:50 pm

Bowery Ballroom 2018.

115.

On the top balcony watching HR from Bad Brains soundcheck with Jesse Malin and his band for this Clash show we’re doing. I am drinking a black coffee I got at the same Starbucks I got the news Bepa wasn’t going to make it. I was sitting in the side booth nothing to my name in a blizzard hours before I hauled my broke ass through the storm to do a random NYC show to nobody. My lowest point. It’s such a trip.  I remember my mom on the phone at the hospital dancing around it, as if she was in denial, like me as well, or as if she just was almost waiting for me to steer her mind into hope. I cut my teeth in hardcore influenced directly from HR, Rollins, and Ian. Little things like this I really try to take the time to appreciate. I always thought my old band would be the key to unlock these doors (if I ever was so lucky) to meet my hardcore heroes, but who woulda thought making folk songs and singing woulda? This room is beautiful, always has been and the sound is great. I remember years ago me Bushover and Mike P came and saw one of my favorite bands Modern Life Is War and it was amazing. I specifically remember them playing Chasing My Tail. A song, from my perspective, that’s about growing up in the hardcore DIY touring circuit and growing older and growing apart from reality, loved ones, and how life shifts into this weird twilight zone vibe as you struggle to balance the disconnection of real life 9-5 reality, that the life you left behind progresses in. Scrape. Crawl. Scrape. Crawl. Living hand to mouth just to get to the next show. After the show me and rob are filming a music video for the album. The next 5/6 months should be really awesome, I feel really really really blessed and grateful for the opportunities I’ve had over the past year. Every little thing means so much to me. Pretty surreal seeing HR in person though and I had the pleasure of taking a portrait with him. Life’s wild. Also downstairs at the bar a lady was talking to me about something and her husband said to my face “stop talking to that kid he’s a fucking pussy” so there’s that. Apparently I’m a fucking pussy and I’m so with it. It stopped me dead in my tracks and so many funny things went through my head. 3 years ago that would have been such a big deal. 1 wrong friend with me that would have been hands feet toes everything, but ive grown so much as a person since those days it was almost a pleasure to just tip my hat and wish him well. I treat it was. BLESSING to even be here in the first place, none the less T up some old man because im insecure and need to report back to some piece of shit puppet master wearing 17 year old band Merch. I had cannolis tonight. Me and rob lost the car for 9 hours and after a total of 5 hours of walking in the same circle we found it and it was like the second coming of Jesus Christ who’s rap name is Kendrick Lamar. Okay I’m going to bed. Earthling.