#its my fault and i didnt do enough
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#hhhhh i made the mistake of opening something triggering thinking i could handle it now but nope#i feel sick lmao#in my head im still sobbing in that orange room at 3am#it feels like yesterday to me#being on the other side of the country and not being able to do anything about what had already happened#its going to haunt me till the day i die#im trying so hard to not break down rn like i didnt even read very far but mentally putting myself in that position again...#...i cant do it.#ive worked so hard to bottle all of that up over the past almost 7 years now#and just barely thinking about it is enough to get me sobbing#idk how anyone ever gets over that#how anyone can read that happening if theyve had that happen irl#im going to regret the things i didnt do forever#its my fault and i didnt do enough#vent / /#personal / /#delete later / /
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this is how richie's death went in my head
#i cant tell you how many times i had to go back and tweak wiggly because he has such a complicated design#like i was ready to post and then i realized i forgot his little arm stripes#but i persist#i do not persist enough to do lineart#but its fiiiiiiiiinnneeee its fiiiiiiiinnnneeeeeee#also yes this completely self-indulgent but in my defense none of my friends stopped me#i didnt tell them i was making this but its still their fault#nerdy prudes must die#npmd spoilers#wiggog y'rath#nibblenephim#pokotho#richard lipschitz#definitely art#id in alt text#if its out of character nnnnnnooooooooooo nnnnooooo its not shhhhhhhhhh
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everytime i feel bad and stressed about my life i remember that i might be in a troubling situation and having a bad time but im not season 4 fiona gallagher in the clink after leaving crack on the counter which my 3 year old baby brother happened to ingest resulting in a fatal near-death experience thats wracked me with never-ending guilt and forever altered my life
#this storyline was stupid you expect me to believe two-apples-tall liam gallagher came close to the crack AND managed to ingest it?#the crack which is lined up on the kitchen counter?#Also i don't believe that fiona would be irresponsible enough for liam to have been able to be close to the crack#that was an ooc moment and not like “its ooc cause thats the point shes going thru a tough time”#morelike “so ooc that it seems like a discrepancy that was overlooked for the sake of drama and shock value#as an older sister i feel like being watchful of your younger sibling if crack is in their general vicinity is an unstoppable instinct#its just not a plausible situation sorry like this is coming from someone who wholeheartedly embraces the realistic idea#of fiona falling short sometimes and being very human by struggling to consistently maintain her doting attentiveness#but anyways it's complicated cause Fiona clearly put it somewhere he cant reach#so how did he get access to it????#its like getting mad at a parent for putting a glass of wine on the counter#not comparing that to literal cocaine obviously this whole situation was nonetheless messed up#but just for some perspective... the writers were clearly doing cocaine themselves if they thought that#liam was bungee-jumping onto the counter and showing off his skills as an apparent budding olympics gymnast#not justifying anything but. listen.#the fact that it was on the counter FOR A REASONNN shows that fiona was careful to keep it out of reach and NOT do something insane like#putting it on the table#liam somehow magically having access to it defeats the purpose of it being on the counter.#if they really wanted for it to be believable that liam managed to snort it they should've put it on the table#but we already know that situation wouldn't be believable in its entirety cause we know that fiona would literally never leave it there#WHICH IS MY POINT. LIKE THIS SITUATION IS JUST ANNOYINGLY UNBELIEVABLE. FIONA WOULD NOT DO THIS AND HOW DID LIAM EVEN GET TO IT??#theres like 39482939 overlooked discrepancies just for the sake of getting to the shock#just to circle back Fiona would literally never let liam go near crack no matter how far gone and fucked up she was#I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I AM AN OLDER SISTER.#its just so UGHHHHH anyways obviously i still think in canon yeah Fiona was at fault shouldve been more careful and watchful#no matter how you look at it its clear that a risk like this just cannot be taken and she had to be blamed to an extent#but me personally? i reject it because it didnt feel natural to me at all there were 394939 other ways to frame a Fiona downfall#And i loved all the other ways her spiral was shown like getting messed up and ending up in Sheboygan#all the shit she got into with robbie + the impulsive urge to ruin the good thing she had going with mike#so human and believable and deeply flawed unlike the liam situation which was horrifically OOC and unrealistic
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I get so angry annoyed upset frustrated hateful when people want something done but only provide vague instructions. and then get mad or disappointed when it doesn't meet their requirements.
#my history teacher is having us do a project on people places and things from the 70s 80s and 90s#ALL HE GAVE US WERE THE PROJECT REQUIREMENTS#(a sources cited a wordsearch and a speech)#AND INSTRUCTIONS TO CHOOSE AN “IMPACTFUL PERSON PLACE OR THING” FROM THAT TIME#AND WE GOT 1 MINUTE TO FRANTICALLY LOOK UP POTENTIAL TOPICS#BUT SOMEHOW#ITS MY FAULT FOR DISAPPOINTING HIM AND CHOOSING R.E.M. AS MY TOPIC#LIKE. IF YOU DONT LIKE IT THEN SAY NO!!!! I CAN FIND SOMETHING ELSE!!!#anyways.my topic was accepted despite the fact he didnt think it was important enough so yay R.E.M. research time!!!#his opinion doesnt matter anyway.#<- guy who takes everything to heart and is super mega sad annoyed and a little guilty#trout thoughts
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I wonder if my irl friends will remember my bday tomorrow....
#if they dont well.#i guess its my fault#i didnt make a big deal out of it anyway#and i never really outright announce my bday....#but it would be nice#itd be nice if they remembered#would they care enough to greet me at midnight like they do for the others....?#hahah im a bit insecure abt this.#bdays arent great memories for me#.txt
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most days I'm so chill with the fact I'm non-contact with my father, it was the best decision, I hate him, my life is so much more peaceful without him
then bam it's a random Tuesday at 8pm and I'm sobbing because I miss having a dad, like, excuse me what is this??
#im ping ponging between its all his fault he made all those decisions to maybe he was doing what he thought was right#i barely ever had a dad so i dont know what im crying for pff#if he died tomorrow I'm not sure I'd go to his funereal I don't want him at my wedding#but sometimes I want him to just hold me and read me narnia like he did when I was 9#my parents were terrible but its cause they didnt know what they were doing but i dont know how to make peace with that#would it have killed them to be nice to me?#this is very simplified but yk#gonna go read some draco scorpius centred fanfics now to make me cry more cant wait!!#i hate him i hate him i HATE HIM I HATE HIM#but i didnt always and i dont want to but there are things you just cant take back#anywayz thats enough trauma dumping on main lmfao#if anyone has any father child centred fanfictions do let me know and give them to me plz thanks#daddy issues#are screaming#scorpius malfoy#and god do i hate his new wife#this is way too many tags im sorry to anyone whos made it down here lmfao
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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sorry im a god gale truther btw i DO think he should get to usurp mystra and ascend to godhood and i do think that should be an absolutely awful thing to happen to him but also literally everyone else. sorry
#bg3#not main tagging this further bc its. mad man 1:30am rambles#but listen. mh.#ok so. heres the thing.#while i do think. their relationship was absolutely fucked. and yeah we can argue for grooming and or abuse.#i also dont QUITE enjoy how ppl make gale like. the poor poor totally blameless victim. like. mh#how to phrase this so it DOESNT sound victim blame-y. but like.#from how i interpret the things he told & what the game shows.#my mans REALLY struggles with No's and rejection. and i wouldn't just put that as a Mystra Aftermath Thing#he WAS forbidden from trying to ascend/was told by her she wouldnt make him an equal. and his response basically was.#'but let me prove i am worthy of this'#which yeah. plays into the fucked up self worth. ill get back to that.#plus the uh. touch the orb scene? he just. grabs your hand and pulls it towards him because he WANTS to show you this. Now.#any rejection within the relationship? I Should Blow Myself Up#he got that gifted kid energy of everything always came easily to him and yet it wasnt ever enough and the relationship w a literal goddess.#certainly didnt help that.#so hes constantly reaching for more. and thats a fault of his because he will do that even if told not to because#at the same time he thinks of himself as smart enough to actually Get to that More.#and yknow w the orb? he literally. got So Badly Burned. is it deterring him? nnnnnnot really.#and i think. godhood would. idk i think he could do it. and i think it still wouldn't be enough.#and having an all powerful deity who ALSO a) still never is satisfied with his amount of power and control and b) thinks he know better than#anyone and could do better than anyone#sounds like its gonna fucking suck#anyways im rotating this all in my brain + ofc the delicious bloodweave combo of ascended astarion + new god gale bc thats just. ough#the mess. of this combo.
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#ramblings#honestly ive had a really terrible holiday#like summer break is supposed to be good but seeing family wasnt fun like it usually is#the cousin i usually hung out with is an asshole now who didnt even want to talk#so the fun part wasnt fun#i havent seen any of my friends all holidays . i feel like shit and i feel fucking lonely#the only people ive interacted with really are my family and thats horrible because my sister acts like a stereotypical mean girl#ive got no fucking will to leave my room or to fucking eat properly or do just about anything other than sit in my room#and now im about to go back to school . ive accomplished not even close to enough of what ive needed to#ive forgotten everything from math . my tech is probably behind . english should be finished but its not#chemistry is completley half assed#and i know i should be getting up and fixing tht but i cant i fuckign cant do anything#its probably all my fault i have to stop staying up so late im so fucking tired#i dont want to go back to school i dont feel like ive had a break even though ive done nothing all holiday#im so fucking done with this shit#vent#ask to tag#i guess
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the first few art pieces for a new interest are always the loneliest, in my experience
#aishi.txt#i cant sleep despite drinking calming tea and my fav playlist being put on so forgive any emoness but#its a bit alienating... why does art have to be one of the loneliest hobbies ever#like i want people to care as much as i do but i also get it if they dont#i cant fault ppl for not seeing the vision as i do... which is why my art is there#but im just one guy who has many ideas and not enough hands and energy to draw all of them#draw them all and... make it match my view also?? i have to reconcile my current skill with my lack of time and energy with my perfectionism#a bit of a recipe for disaster... i will say#and even after all that effort... some people will still not see it or get it and the ones that probably do#will need time to warm up to me!!#and my art... ough.. idk.....#do i use art as a medium to bridge my social anxiety or what... why does this lowkey bother me#anyway. this happens every time i change fandom#persona art was the loneliest period... pokemon feels a bit alienating too idk#my conclusion always is to stop interacting altogether#just dump my art pieces and go#but thats never worked out for me as well... i always long for interaction and i always be yapping#its just!! a bit tiring i guess#having to continuously work on stuff to... feel connected? what am i saying#like yea i know it takes time. i just wish it didnt have to feel so lonely too during the waiting period#makes me not want to move on from one interest to the next#makes me worried the friends ive made for one fandom will think ive abandoned them for a new thing but its the opposite.#im scared to leave things ive built up.. connections ive already made#i would love nothing more for them to come with me (its not like theyre going anywhere) i just dont know#how to make them feel connected to a new interest i have? wtf am i on about#its like i based my self worth on what art i can provide to others lol 😂 thats silly#i think i'll just think of this as my real life friendships and leave it at that#but yeah. i still feel incredibly lonely and alienated when making art for a new thing. even old things feel incredibly. sad to me#art as a hobby is incredibly lonely. its frustrating for someone like me#an extroverted person with an introvert's hobby. disaster.
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ok so ive been away for three days and my neighbor has killed my fish. he wasn't even supposed to feed him and there's a layer of uneaten food on the bottom of the tank. he's been dead at least 2 days my setup is fucked this is bullshit
#im not even emotional over the passing of my fish. its the two live fucking snails that im worried about#ive got them in an emergency tank right now and one of them has shown signs of life so im cautiously hopeful#i have to clean out the big tank tomorrow so i cant get them back home. this is such bullshit oh my godddd#left home with a healthy fish and 2 healthy snails on wednesday. came back to a rotting corpse and snails on the edge of death#theres algae buildup in the tank too which means my snails have been doing fuck all for some time. does not bode well for their health#im fucking FURIOUS#not to mention my mum trying to claim its my fault bc i didnt give him clear enough instructions#i think 'leave the tank alone' was clear enough. fuckin hell#animal death
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I've reached a point where I am two eps behind on Burrow's End and it's starting to feel like the point of no return. If I'm not faced with deadline pressure to watch something, I am well and truly fucked. All because I forgot what week the first ep was airing :( and I'd been so hyped :((
#starting to hit spoilers on my dash. which is technically my fault cuz i cant be bothered to block tags lol#but idk. ive skimmed some vaguely concerning spoiler posts.#it was a given to me that this season would be scary cuz aabria makes me emotional but i didnt think itd be like HORROR scary#and maybe thats my b lol. it is spooky season idk what i expected. and again ive only skimmed posts so idrk if that IS the vibe#i think how quickly one season comes after the other is what trips me up so bad#cuz from trw to b-end i had planned to watch dadq but the downtime wasnt long enough for me#i need time to mourn and come off the adrenaline lol. is adrenaline right? dopamine? idfk. u get it. neurodivergents get it.#doesnt help that the new hyperfixation is qsmp. so much shit to watch#and the french have charmed me so when i watch them ive gotta read. been hard to do my five activities at once during those#my blog isnt tied to any one fandom but im always hesitant to rb qsmp stuff. even tho its MY blog and i can do whatever III WANT#im trying my best lol. to post to my heart's content and to watch the cool things with yall. trying so hard ;-;#OH also i miiight lose my dropout sub for idk how long lolol anyway end of spiel#sea rambles
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you CUNT. what the fuck.
#this is abt my new supervisor at work#i changed teams a couple weeks back cuz i didnt have enough to do anymore on my old team#and my new team supervisor??? seemed nice enough but shes literally just being a dick for no reason#shes just being fucking passive aggressive as shit#i sent her an email last week like 'hey im outta stuff to work on already n i just wanted to see if there was anything else i could do?'#esp bc. i literally transferred over bc of insufficient workload yk?#and she gets back to me being like 'well there is actually lots to do but since you havent been trained yet you cant do it'#and then proceeded to Not tell me who i should talk to abt doing said training#and there was a general vibe of 'its YOUR fault that you dont have enough work to do bc of your limited availability' like...#and TODAY????? today i clocked in n checked my email and she had#1) re-assigned work that i ALREADY FUCKING DID to another person on a flimsy fucking excuse#(she said that all emails to a given client should be from the same person so the client doesnt get confused????)#and 2) she sent me ANOTHER email being like#'umm you should have sent me an updated version of this draft with the issued invoice. why havent you done that already'#'also just fyi sweaty you have to actually track these matters until the email is sent. bc you are stupid and clearly dont know that'#'someone else handled while you were out bc you SUCK'#you wanna know why i didnt follow up??? bc i was OUT on monday (when the invoice was issued)#and it wasnt unplanned or anything. i communicated my planned absence HEAVILY in advance#and yet its still my fault that i like. didnt respond to emails that day?? bitch???#anyways. rip to me ig <3#whatever the fuck
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if words are not enough to get a manipulative person to leave you tf alone and hit the road, wtf are ya supposed to do? maybe throw a small toy at them to send a message
#bitch i coulda been way worse dont play#if it were me now with all the self respect i have now i woulda thrown more shit ta have ya running out the door ok#idc#i mighta fucked around and thrown my shit at you ok.#i dont think you realize the distress you caused by gaslighting me about what you did to me and also trying to be just like me?#like basically cosplay as me but want me to still date you? sorry that shits fucking weird. and i tried ending it every time you got#to that point. but ya kept trying to keep me around anyways even though you knew i was uncomfortable. didnt matter what i said#you'd find a way to manipulate the situation to keep you around. so what am i supposed to do to send the message of#'GO THE FUCK AWAY I DONT TRUST YOU AND I DONT WANNA DATE SOMEONE WHOS GONNA COSPLAY AS ME'#when words arent enough? no matter how i approached it?#i tried being nice about it. but my primal self defence kicked in and told me 'this bitch needs to get tf away from us'#so how do i show you to fuck off in a way you'll fuckin understand? yeah.#i tried playing your dumb words game. i tried playing it the way you do it. for a whole fuckin year. where you use words to manipulate.#i tried to figure out what way i could order the words that would get you to finally understand. didnt matter what i said.#bc thats how you are- you think you can say whatever tf you want and if you face any consequences suddenly its the other persons#fault. i interpreted your cosplay as mocking me. deep down all you are is a bully hiding under an uwu veneer. but yall verbal bullies alway#gotta act like victims once ya get hit with something that you had plenty of fucking warnings about.#its as if you were testing me to see when i'd snap. and then when i snap you act like a victim. fuck the entire fuck off and drown in shit.#fuckin bendy from fosters home ass type bitch#vent
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So sad rn when they said they refund your doll because the number of orders were NOT enough
#ig i will bawl idk what to do anymore man#:) yknow what. im not even sad anymore im just fuming with silent rage and disappointment#next year i will draw a doll board and commission for handmade doll by myself. fuck this.#its bad actually because this particular page just got exposed of their irresponsible behavior today i was so afraid thats why i had to ask#and bam! “sorry the number of orders wasnt enough” well why didnt you tell me sooner? only when i decided to follow my guts did this happen#thanks god though i could live through this if i were staying silent it would only disappoint me more for being too hopeful#i mean this is the first for me. to want to order and have a doll from sites. this page used to be okay until this crap#i could even fault myself for this because i like to stay overly hopeful and too trusting that my faith only ends up getting betrayed#im so very sorry arjuna im broke and stupid i need to cope with something else in the meantime.#rambling and talking
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love being reminded by the "bestie" that keeps being close friends with all the girls that treated me like shit about the other friend not from that group that also treated me like shit and tried to convince others to leave me
#and she talked like it was such a pity i didnt want to try anymore to 'fix' things. i never had a problem with her#she just woke up one day and decided i was shit and deserved no friends while acting like nothing was wrong when i asked#and i didnt even learn she was talking shit until years later!!!#if she doesnt think that was messed uo what does she even think of how their grouo of friends treated me...?#i knew it was being too good a day :/ always end up finding some stupid comment that makes me feel like shit#woooo im unloveable and everyone will end up hating me sooner or later wooooooooo#maybe shes right and both that and the other Incident werent anything and im being an idiot about it#why does it even matter. they were right and its my problem for getting sad that they were saying what a horrible person i am#maybe its true and my presence does ruin everything for everyone. i should just stay home and never go out again#sigh#haunted.txt#maybe its all my fault for not trying hard enough ti earn forgiveness#even though i embarrassed myself so many times to do so and it was her shit friends that kept treating me like garbage#even after saying they forgave me and refusing to give me any apologies
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