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alwaysbetondunc · 2 months

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Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life): A Critique Of Deadpool and Wolverine.

This critique will feature spoilers for Deadpool, Deadpool 2, Logan, Deadpool & Wolverine and the end of Gerry Duggan's run on Deadpool In Logan (2017), Logan comes to blows with a version of himself genetically constructed in a lab to be like Logan but “better” by an organization that has, through a form of eugenics, completely eradicated the mutant gene in humans and now seek to reintroduce them as soldiers for hire.

While our Logan has aged to the point where he is nearly unrecognizable as the hero he used to be, tired and depressed to near suicide, this cloned version of himself is “superior” in every way, he is faster, stronger, and able to act like the version of himself the organization demands of him, replaceable at a moments notice.

The movie ends with Logan and his daughter, Laura, finally killing the clone with the same bullet Logan was planning on using on himself. This fight however costs Logan his life, and with his daughter next to him, he dies with a new appreciation of his own life.

Even if he cannot be the hero he once was, he’s happy he can live up to Laura's view of him and the X-Men. The Mutant world can survive without him.

Deadpool and Wolverine opens with Deadpool assuring us that none of that is changing, Logan is dead forever. He spends the rest of the movie replacing him with a version of who is faster, stronger, and able to act like the version of himself people demand of him.

Despite constant assurances that they are “in on the joke”, there’s nothing in the movie that suggests an understanding of the irony of that.

This is a common theme throughout the movie. It’s hard to tell if anybody while making it understood what they were doing or anything that came before, which is odd for a movie so eager to remind you that it’s self-aware at every possible turn.

The movie's first action scene, where Deadpool uses Logan’s Skeleton as a weapon to dispatch goons set to *N-Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye” which also serves as the movie’s opening titles gives us our first glimpse at this.

I get it, they’re saying they’re not gonna desecrate the ending of Logan and then use the character's corpse as a weapon, it’s not subtle but there’s something remarkably toothless here in comparison with its predecessors

In Deadpool 1 and 2, instead of traditional credits, the names of people are replaced with titles describing Ryan Reynolds as “God’s Perfect Idiot” or David Leitch, the director of Deadpool 2 as “One Of The Guys who killed the Dog in John Wick”. It’s nothing revolutionary but it sets a fun tone that sets the movie apart from its contemporaries.

In Deadpool and Wolverine, this joke is discarded with real names printed all over the action. They want you to know that they are proud of this, there are random shots of someone (who clearly isn’t Ryan Reynolds) dancing in the woods dressed as Deadpool just to pad out the scene so all the credits can fit in. They’re willing to make the movie look worse so Kevin Fiege gets his.

It’s a movie characterized by a lack of awareness of anything that came before.

Despite being a sequel to Logan and 2 Deadpool movies there’s very little to suggest anybody watched these before making the movie.

The events of Deadpool 2’s post-credits scene where Deadpool goes back in time to save his girlfriend, and Peter are a crucial element of the plot, but then Deadpool 2’s best characters, Cable, Domino, and Russel are notably absent, handwaved away as unfortunate casualties between movies.

But Shatterstar is still alive somehow, his friendship is somehow incredibly important to Wade even though he hated him in the last one. And he also died. That was the second movie's best joke, all of these comic-accurate characters who were gonna push the franchise forward died horribly due to weather conditions.

When Deadpool goes back in time, the joke is that he doesn’t save X-Force, he just saves Peter because he likes the guy, so he tells him to leave so he doesn’t die alongside the other members. But now, Shatterstar is one of Deadpool’s closest friends which he can’t imagine living in a new universe/timeline without.

The first 2 movies do a lot to set Deadpool apart as a character from the people he “shared” a universe with, the first is a basic revenge plot where Deadpool saves his girlfriend and then kills his villain in the middle of a speech from Colossus about what “being a hero means”, Deadpool isn’t going to be like those guys in the X-Men because he doesn’t need to be.

2 goes further in this direction, the whole emotional core of the movie is hinged on this difference. After losing the love of his life, Colossus tells him he always has a place with the X-Men where he can finally be the hero he deserves to be. But while out on an audition mission with them, he fails because he doesn’t want to be the hero on the face of cereal boxes or save the world from the next big villain, he just wants to help a kid abused by the people who were supposed to protect him.

The rest of the movie follows him trying everything in his power to do this, he doesn’t care about the big picture, he just wants to help this one kid, Russell, despite everyone telling him that he’s wrong for doing so. Because he sees himself in this kid, someone abused by the powers that were supposed to help him.

In the end, Wade succeeds, convincing everyone that this kid is worth saving and that people can be redeemed, because he can be redeemed. Deadpool moves forward with his new team of Russell, Cable, and Domino. The Fox X-Men can keep their huge world-ending adventures, The X-Force exists to contrast them and move forward in their way.

If you’ve seen Deadpool and Wolverine, you might notice that this arc is just copied verbatim but worse, instead of the X-Men, Wade now wants to be a part of the Marvel Universe, and instead of Russell, Deadpool now has to save Wolverine from his fate.

Deadpool ends the movie realizing he doesn’t need to be part of the big special team to matter, except now instead of the reasoning being because Wade has found his way of saving people, it’s just because he and Wolverine get to save the universe in a bit ripped straight from the first Guardians Of The Galaxy.

Where Deadpool 2 ends on the note that Deadpool doesn’t need to be like the X-Men to succeed, Deadpool and Wolverine want you to know that the reason Deadpool can succeed is that he can be like the Avengers, an ideal that everybody should live up to.

Wolverine’s arc is the same, ripped directly from the last movie but worse. Logan’s arc in Logan is one of a dejected man who believes the world doesn’t need heroes because he and the X-Men failed and if they can’t win how can anyone else? He finishes the movie realizing the world doesn’t need the literal X-Men to go on because the next generation of New Mutants can continue without him.

Wolverine’s arc in Deadpool and Wolverine is one of a dejected man who believes the world doesn’t need heroes because he failed the X-Men. He finishes the movie realizing that he can perfectly replace the other Wolverine, who died to help make a world that didn’t need him, without any hindrance because he’s a cool Wolverine who wears the mask from the comics and can still say the fuck word a lot.

The problem is, I don’t give a shit about this new Wolverine because the Wolverine I care about already had a perfect ending, this Wolverine is a pure simulacrum, there to remind me of the character I actually like, it doesn’t matter how many cowls you shove on a 55-year-old man, nothing can change that.

These choices define the movie. Deadpool goes to all these different universes looking for a Wolverine to replace his where they play all the hits, there’s a comic-accurate short Wolverine, Patch, Age Of Apocalypse Wolverine, a version of Wolverine that plays out his first appearance against the Hulk.

Before Wolverine fights anyone, Deadpool pauses the movie to tell the audience, that Deadpool’s finally going to fight Wolverine, or, Wolverine is finally going to fight Sabretooth, the audience has been waiting decades for it (even though they fought in every single movie they appeared in together), Deadpool fights hundreds of Deadpool’s just like he did in the comics.

Deadpool lands on this Wolverine and chooses him as the perfect one because he wears the Yellow and Blue tacticool spandex under his uniform. So much of this movie feels designed less because it wants the characters to do interesting things but rather because it has a checklist to fill out to make the imagined audience happy.

In one of the most embarrassing interviews any director has ever given to a major publication, Shawn Levy told Vulture: “I’m not looking to make movies and shows for an audience of seven cool kids in the corner. I build stories for populist entertainment.”

This is ironic considering just how much this movie feels designed with the opposite of this mindset, who honestly gives a shit that you brought back Jennifer Garner’s Elektra or Wesley Snipes’ Blade and that you’re finally giving them “the ending they deserve” (ignoring the fact that Blade had an entire trilogy that had an ending, one that Ryan Reynolds was in!).

Are you making populist entertainment when you feature an emotional pay-off for Channing Tatum’s Gambit never getting a movie, something you’d only really remember if you paid attention to the studio slate of a dying studio over half a decade ago?

It’s a statement that feels incredibly disrespectful considering what came before, the Fox slate wasn’t perfect but it was certainly interesting and I would argue it’s a much better example of “populist entertainment” than anything that shows up here.

Populist entertainment doesn’t have to exclude quality, sure, Logan is an emotional end to a franchise that asks us to watch the heroes we grew up end but it’s also a movie where you get to see a guy with claws in his hands violently stab people while his daughter flies about killing her oppressors, is that not Populist enough?

These have always been populist entertainment but there was also a point where they were good, something that can’t be said for Deadpool and Wolverine, a movie that just expects you to clap because a terrible CGI model of Hugh Jackman is finally wearing a cowl.

I should be the perfect audience for this movie, it’s the grand finale of 25 years of movies I grew up with, I have been a fan of Deadpool for almost as long as I have been reading comics, the same goes for Wolverine.

In the UK, the company Panini published monthly collections of a few comics that were always a few years behind, after school every few weeks me, and my mum would go to W.H. Smiths and pick up the latest.

The ones I always went back for were The Astonishing Spider-Man (which birthed my love for the 80s and 90s Spider-Man comics through their reprints) and Wolverine And Deadpool, I remember being shocked that such a book existed at the time, this was years before the game or the movie were a thing.

But there it was, a monthly book partially celebrating my favourite character, sure, most of the book was reserved for Wolverine and, sure, the Deadpool books were in there to pad the book so the Wolverine side wouldn’t catch up to the American books too fast but I was happy he got any coverage at all.

I felt a sense of kinship with Kevin Feige when the MCU started to become a thing, he was a comic nerd like me and he would finally get to depict these characters that we all wanted, he got his start on the original Fox X-Men, a movie famously averse to depicting the yellow spandex that defined the X-Men comics.

A set averse to even acknowledging the comics as worth anything, the story goes that Feige snuck comics to cast members, eager to let these movies reflect the books they were based on, it’s a cute story that shows his passion for the medium.

But the difference is, I grew up. I still love these characters and the books they came from but as I grew I started to realize that the reason I loved them wasn’t that they wore specific costumes or had specific iconography, it was because of the writers and artists that made them, that the MCU seems so eager to delete from the equation, creators like Joe Kelly, Ed McGuinness, Gerry Duggan, Gail Simone, Tony Scott, Fabian Nicienza, Frank Quietly, and Grant Morrison.

All of their hard work appears in some form in this movie, as butchered as they are, the characterization of Deadpool that was defined by Joe Kelly’s run that solidified him as a wisecracking 4th wall breaker, in search of redemption, Gerry Duggan’s further jump into meta-commentary with an ending that mimics Morrison’s run on Animal Man gets some play here, with Deadpool 2099 and Zenpool even appearing as multiversal variants of the character.

The movie also sees fit to adapt some of Grant Morrison’s run on X-Men with the main villain being Cassandra Nova, I still cannot tell why they chose this villain, considering she doesn’t come across like her comic counterpart aside from her relation to Charles Xavier, how she looks and psychic powers. By the end of the movie, her motivation and multiversal plot to rule a land of amalgamated universes ends up mirroring Jonathan Hickman’s depiction of The Maker more than anything.

But these names are shoved miles down in a special thanks section of the credits, nowhere near the lavish and “fun” opening action sequence that prominently gives credit to Kevin Feige, the man who seeks to take all of these creatives' work and boil them down into a bland soup of iconography.

Chapter 28 of MCU: The Reign Of Marvel Studios describes Feige’s approach to adaptation, after viewing the failures of his time working on the X-Men movie refusing to use the comics they were based on, he sees himself as a savior of these characters, taking them from their original “bad” adaptations and saving them by making them more “like the comics”.

But his idea of what makes something like the comics is shallow, it’s not about the people who made the characters who they were, it’s about whether or not they say their famous catchphrases or if they wear some version of the costume they’re known for.

And at the end of it all, that’s why this movie exists, it doesn’t matter that it’s just another attempt at adapting the bones of Old Man Logan into a worse film, it doesn’t matter if it walks over everything that came before, all that matters is getting Wolverine to finally wear a cowl.

In many ways, Deadpool in this movie is Feige’s self-insert, telling the audience they can be safe and happy because they’re finally getting what they’ve wanted all these years.

The final shot of Logan features Laura, taking the cross that lies above Logan’s makeshift grave and placing it at an angle to represent the X in X-Men, it’s a powerful shot that uses the imagery of everything that came before to, finally, put to rest a character we all love.

The final shot of Deadpool and Wolverine is different. After an entire movie spent replacing the character we love with a version that’s stronger, faster, and able to act like the version of himself Disney demands of him, we get a shot of both Deadpool and Wolverine’s masks divorced from the characters that made us love them. Nothing else remains except marketable IP.

#media critique #deadpool #wolverine #deadpool and wolverine #marvel

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gwaaaaar · 4 months

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Appreciation post for all the death note op/eds :3

Wowie this is gonna be long af bc I have sm to say... i will NOT be going frame by frame I will just be sharing what personally stood out to me, both musically and visually and that means it's the op/eds as they are presented in the anime, so nothing about the full length vers of the songs or their bands MVS.

OK SO. starting with the world. A classic. Very fond of light being shown laid down on a stained glass window but it's almost like you're looking up at him as if he was painted on a chapel's ceiling. ALSO very fond of the constant Christian redraws light gets as "God" like the one where hes on a cross and the one where hes reaching his finger out to Ryuk. Bc hes a nerd . LOVE love the scene where he's walking above the city and the scene where the birds are projected onto him to represent his projected image of himself... and the part where hes standing in front of the moon? Iconic. Really hammers home how isolated he wanted to keep himself as Kira... And misa on the floor? Love the colors they chose for that, the illustration is beautiful I kind of want to redraw it. The blue is a very unorthodox choice for her hair but its gorgeous. ALSO how the lead singer of nightmare holds his note on "kagerou" before light bites the apple gives me chills everytime. The contrast between the kira defense force looking in diff directions all confused compared to the shinigami lookin in a straight line ughhhhh that is the bomb. Naomi Misora pulling pieta plagarism with Raye Penber is also one of the most iconic visuals in the opening imo. Especially the singing that goes with it in that part. I feel like vocals in J-rock always got a certain flair to them (lead singer of SID, margarita-p etc etc) and that flair is what death note needs... THE SCENE where he's a little glass effigy that shatters and then the song goes crazy ohhhh my god oh my god. All the visuals of something breaking or shattering, like the rose bursting into petals in the beginning is delightful to me. Roses and glass are considered delicate items, almost as if Light's psyche was delicate in the beginning and just needed the death note to shatter his sense of self. The parts where they animate Light and L on their platforms or in the tunnel, they always make sure to rotate the camera aroud them which is an incredible animation feat like an utter flex. And those two rightfully deserve such good animation! Musically, the world is a very grand song. There is an instrument I can't quite put my finger on but it very much does remind me of an organ one may hear in church. The lyrics very much capture light's god complex and it is in such a way where you can't associate the song with any other character it is so distinctly Light.

Alumina is so visually stunning with the monochrome and slight dashes of color. You get the snapshots of Light just. Being a teenage boy contrasted with how mature he looks in that first shot... he looks evil almost in that. The first line of "Dare ni mo mirenai yume wo mite" is so incredibly chilling especially with the tone the singer sings it in. Then you get the black and white flashes of Light picking up the notebook and Ryuk. The way its framed is almost cursed like I cant describe it but the exposure is so high up and the speed at which it flashes it feels like I shouldnt have seen it at all. There's nothing that can be done for light he had sealed his fate. ALSO ""Itsuwari" "osore" "kyoshoku" "urei"" is an incredible beat drop and the animation that goes along with it? The way they rotate the camera around light before panning up to ryuk? While Light looks a bit strange from below, that still doesn't negate how masterful that animation is! I'd argue moreso than the scenes where they rotate the camera around L and light in "the world" considering how much more there is, like the trees and buildings compared to just a tunnel or platforms. The final scene where that picture of light flashes and you see his different expressions... very nice way of showing the different facets of his personality. The entire song is so somber compared to "the world." Alumina still has light's inflated sense of self but instead of it being godhood adjacent like "I have to do this for mankind" as if it was a duty thrust upon him, in my opinion alumina is more along the lines of "this world is shit and holding me back from making it better, so i refuse to submit." Both are Light essentially martyring himself for his ideals but Alumina I feel paints him in a more human light. Like the things he feels is something we can feel as well.

Everyone shits on Whats up people but I AM ITS NO 1 STAN... the fact that death notes first op/ed reflects how light sees himself, and then the second ones go off the rails because thats what light is, rouge. When he laughs like crazy and that's all you see... its a bit scary but yeah hes a crazy serial killer for a reason. The scene where L spins on his chair is fucking awesome i can watch that forever. I am so so so very fond of the bright colors in that and the neo noir esque scene where the police force pull out their guns. It's so dynamic and really gives ya somethin to look at. And i know the misa pinups is a bit of a trashy fanservice moment but. Misa is very cute . So. And the art style is cute! Like the dots and the heavy lines, I would steal that art style. Also again with the roses imagery... But god. I think the absolute showstopper is when the singee builds up with "hey hey ningen suan ka, are wo ningen fuan ka?" And it's Light walking through the city while the people that have followed him in his kira endeavours are around him as well and he slowly passes them, discards them. He gets to Mello whos under him in the drain because Mellos actions were to unreadable/unpredictable to him.... never know when hes gonna pop out yk? But inevitably light gets the upper hand on him.... yet when Light reaches Near, the light shines onto Near instead as Near exposes light for who he is and light FINALLY snaps and the singer goes uttetly crazy and screams and smashes their guitar against the floor... does that not scream Light throwing his tantrum at the end. AND as a callback to the first opening, you see him on the stained glass again, but his body is discolored like hes rotting. Dying god imagery??? Can i get 1 million for dying god imagery??? FUCK I LOVE THAT VISUAL SO MUCH. Yeah i know the songs lyrics are repetitive but like. Idk its good it scratches my brain. It shows how much of a one track mind lights gotten. Hes playing around like a bored god after L dies, almost taunting humans as if he wasn't one by insulting them for having vices. Its hypocritical and its funny.

ZETSUBOU BILLY ! is so good. I love the imagery of Light going up an elevator, and in the first part of the song, while the vocals arent calm, they are calmer than the second half of the song. So for that first part its kinda just. Watching light go up. After L dies, it isn't difficult for Light to gain even more influence in the world as Kira and i think thats what the elevator reflects. Then as the vocals build up with "menzai no word" you see light turning, and the next line repeats the scene with light upside down... like how his goals have completely flipped from doing things for the good of others to himself. AND THEN. THE REVEAL THAT LIGHT WASN'T GOING UP. HE WAS GOING DOWN. TO THE SHINIGAMI WORLD. That's sooooo goood. And then his watch flies past and you see him writing like crazy.... The scene where he walks into traffic is such a good way of showing how his god complex has progroessed so far he believes himself immune to practically anything... and the final shot where hes dead on the floor and because hes in blue at first glance it looks like L but then it pans out and its Light... good . I really like how Zetsubou Billy isn't directly abt light but like. Come on. A boy thats despairing over the state of things? The lyrics are a bit strange at time but I cannot see it as representative of anything but Light.

Anyways thats my thoughts of the dn ed/ops :3 i would like to know anyone elses opinions on the soundtrack

#death note

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bardofhype · 2 years

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an assortment of Fallout: New Vegas characters as Brian David Gilbert videos

because the hyperfixation is deepening day by day. the polygon videos with BDG will not count so i'm sorry if you're hoping for something like Smash Bros OSHA violations or Sexiest Castlevania Monsters here. also gonna put down the lines from each video that reminded me of the character they're assigned to. here we go ! Arcade Gannon: i wish that i could wear hats (the entire song. all of it) Benny Gecko: My Autobiography ("I ate a brick bench, got a scar on my lip, got equinophobia on a field trip, sold my soul to a demon to see how I die-"/"That demon's still here but I do not know why! May 6, 2030 is when I will die, the scene of my death is incredibly bleak- new videos at the end of every week!") Boone: this video got me a job ("I used to live in Baltimore but now I'm in New York, 'cause there wasn't much in Baltimore for odd video work, so I moved myself to Brooklyn with a bag and a suit and I've got a countdown timer 'till I'm destitute.") Caesar: this song is not a metaphor ("I just think caterpillars don't know what's going on. They're dopey as heck, don't know why we respect something that can't do long division, write petitions, or pay with a check. (AND I CAN DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS!)"/"I'd like to see a caterpillar do that.") Cass: building your online brand ("But, full coordination of your personhood and your branding can be challenging, and that's why I'm here to help you turn your humanity into hu-brand-ity."/"You see, a brand is much like a flower in that it stinks and takes its own path. If you think you know how it will grow, then you've never tasted nature's wrath.") The Courier: that feeling when you bite into a pickle and it's a little squishier than you expected ("Okay, then you tell me: what's the feeling?" "It's... it's, ah... I'm feeling... ffah- shhh- s- s- s- susuuuu- saaaaa-ahhhhh aeeehhh... ... ... I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FEELING IS! I don't know what it is!"/the entire musical part/"... I feel... zjierb.") Fantastic: the rollerblader's world is limitless (again, the entire video) Joshua Graham: MY WEIRD ICE CREAMS: a cooking video ("It's gonna be 90 degrees in New York City today. And even with air conditioning, it just means I'm gonna be in a constant state of slightly sweaty."/"When you have an ice cream maker, the world is your oyster. You could make oyster ice cream, and I won't stop you! I can't stop you. No one can."/"And now we can leave and not have to listen to that for thirty minutes."/"This is an ice cream you have after defeating your arch nemesis in chess.") Lily: Pumpkin Cowboy (the whole song) Raul: shingle jingle (the dance break scene.) The Think Tank: it's time to get good at darts ("By the year 2053, all communication will be done via dart board. There is no more poverty or famine, there is only darts. The world has moved past the need for currency. Criminal activities have long since ceased. War is just a whisper in the memories of those who can recall a time before the dartening. This future can become a reality, so long as we understand that the time has finally come. The time to get good at darts.") Veronica: i'm not superstitious but i am afraid to prune my money tree (again, the whole song) Yes Man: buy my bed ("I need this bed out of my house by TUESDAY, because on TUESDAY, I'm havin' a POTLUCK, and I can't having people comin' to my POTLUCK askin' why the hell there's two BEDS against the wall!")

#fallout new vegas #arcade gannon #benny gecko #craig boone #courier 6 #caesar fnv #rose of sharon cassidy #raul tejada #veronica santangelo #fantastic fnv #joshua graham #lily bowen #the think tank #yes man #if people can assign cards against humanity to these guys then i feel like this was just inevitable

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urlocalnctstan · 3 years

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𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙻𝚎𝚏𝚝 𝚄𝚗𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 - 𝙹.𝚂𝙶

• Candy Hearts Collab - @127-mile

Prompt : “I came to say goodbye.”

Genre : Angst, Fluff, kinda Slow-burnish?, Slice of life, highschool + college AU

Pairing : Sungchan X Reader (Ft. Jeno)

Warning(s) : mentions of bullying and injury (like one scene only), unrequited love, mentions of slight anxiety, hormonal shifts, language, minor character death

Writing nets : @kdiarynet @k-dinernet @kpopscape @czennienet @neoturtles

Taglist : @eh-ovo-nctu

WC : 9.7k

Summary : What people hated the most is the very word ‘goodbye’. However, it’s the very word that becomes something that you yearn to hear from Sungchan for years.

→ Playlist [recommended]

The sound of the rain was supposed to calm you down, not make you even more anxious and sweaty and you sat with your legs firmly pressed against each other, hoping to fill in the lack of company you were feeling amongst the swarm of people who perhaps shared the same dreams, same aim as yours. Public places as trains, trams, bus stops; you always thought they portrayed as the perfect definition for the word ‘sonder.’ Each individual having a life pretty much as complex as yours — sometimes a little less or sometimes a little more. It fascinated you.

“Do you think the trip is worth it?” Lee Jeno, your best friend of quite a few years puffs his cheeks as he stared dubiously at the red and white poster he held. You took a peek at it, the amount of times Jeno had been pestering you if he should really give up the money he had saved for PS5 as a sacrifice for this trip, it was safe enough for you to say that you had every words printed on it memorized. Well, maybe not every words but the main stuff at least.

“Lee Jeno,” You sharply gawked at the male sitting beside you, earning an ugly grimace from him. “Stop it already. I don’t know about you but I ain’t passing this chance.”

“Wah, what a nice friend I got.” You failed to notice the dramatic eye roll he makes before shoving the poster in his backpack, the one he had been using since the first day you had befriended him. Was it 5 years? 6 years?

“Are we five years or six years?” But I met him on that bookstore down my neighborhood, that was like spring of 2017 and now it’s 2021.

The male let out a snort. “If I am a five year-old then you are definitely still inside the womb.” Even though he was smiling with that ‘innocent eye smile’ the evil smirk sheathed beneath went unnoticed by you. No sooner had he opened his mouth, a fresh harsh smack landed on his arms that were clad in a filmsy material of cotton and thus a silent yelp of pain escaping from him as he grabbed the area which was starting to sting with each passing second. The smack, albeit meant for him, you were unable to ignore the similar stinging pain in your palm, tears pricking in the corners of your eyes. But you made sure to show absolutely no signs of distress; it was somewhat a matter of childish pride for you.

“Change your career aim from a perfumist to an assassinator will you?” If it were the campus grounds, you two would have already been latched at one another throats; both metaphorically and literally.

“I will gladly not.” You huffed at the male whose eyes held a scornful gaze, now even more annoyed or perhaps, as you would think most of the times, he was just exaggerating. You found yourself mindlessly scrolling through your gallery in search of the recent notes from Mr. Kim’s classes. Until you stumble across something you had been long avoiding, a forlorn fragment from the former days of your high school.

“Here lies the proof of my utmost love and affection, always devoted to my only Y/N.”

It was a picture of you smiling way too bright, cheeks and nose flushed red while being squished by the only male in the frame as he pressed a peck against your cheek. His neck was craned to the side, ripe ears clearly visible in the small Polaroid film. As much as you hated to admit, your heart would still make flips and turns whenever you run into something that reminded you of him, your very first love and first heart break—Jung Sungchan.

Jeno was too busy in his dreamland as he dozed off with his head resting peacefully against your shoulder. It was no new news that the lad had been immensely in love with you ever since the first time you saved him from getting bullied back in 9th grade. However, you were always too busy with your academics and extra-curricular activities and thus clearly drawing a line of only being friends. Nothing else. It happened when Jeno had finally mustered up the courage after excelling in his Maths Olympiad, where he made a bet that if he indeed secures a place in the top 5, you have to abide by anything he wishes for. But he wished for your love, something you were not really capable of doing so; especially at that time. You did not have the heart to say no when Jeno jogged up to you, his eyes transforming into crescents as he smiled wide. “I did it!” His words came out rather breathy, possibly because of him running to you, and maybe because how hard he could feel his heart thump against his ribs when he noticed the proud grin on your face. Without wasting any moment further, Jeno lets go of the white banner of achievement he had been holding, his hands now focusing on yours. You could almost feel the slight tremble and the wetness of his sweaty palms, but before you could even say anything he beat to you by saying, “Go out on a date with me. Only one.”

There were numerous times when you felt guilty about turning down Jeno. At times it had you baffled that why a guy like him would ever bother liking you so much. Jeno was incredibly talented; gifted with unfair boon of genius traits in both academics and athletics. His little version of him always demeaned his abilities, often failing to notice that how much more he was rather than just a quiet kid who loved coding and maths. Maybe perhaps that was the very reason for him to face the bullying, at least that’s what you thought when you first noticed him getting cornered by some stupid idiot dipshits from your class during recess. Jeno’s ID card lay discarded on the ground, as Kihyun grabbed its owner by the collar. You could not understand his reason for not fighting back, and thus being a silent spectator was never your thing so you decided to butt in. As much as you equally hated and liked one thing, boys seemed to get kinda wary of your presence. Especially boys like these who were already in the blacklist of the teachers. It did not take them long to pick their asses and run from the site when you glared them with a threatening gaze, a single word from the class president and they would get suspended yet again for the umpteenth time in the year. You crouched down to Jeno’s level, carefully handing him his ID. You did not bother asking him if he was okay, of course he wasn’t. His face showed signs of previous injuries, the purple hues of bruises slightly fading beside his jaws. You still don’t know why but you felt the need to protect him from his solace, thus leading to this inseparable bond of yours.

But that was a version of him that was long forgotten. Jeno had become the star and face of the school in the last years of your highschool. Acing various quiz competitions, Olympiads, getting highest grades, being the captain of the soccer and basketball team; you were sure God really had His favorites.

You were not surprised when Jeno brought you to your usual favourite—candle shop. It was a hidden gem in your hometown, a small secluded shop located just a few miles away from the metropolitan. Not everyone was aware of its existence until that one day you decided to act rebellious for once in your school life. Of course dragging Jeno into this so called rebel act with you. The date was rather casual, just two friends messing around with wax and chemically named perfume essences. The shop was owned by a lady close to your grandma’s age, and it still makes you wonder how on earth was she able to keep up with the hollering you two were making. No matter how much you convinced yourself that maybe you could give the boy a chance, and perhaps feelings might grow on you later on; you could not make yourself cloud your rationality with the uncertain possibilities. You confessed every single thing that had been on your mind and Jeno just calmly listened to everything you uttered. You could clearly see the expression of hurt washing over his face, but he knew you. He knew that once you had made up your mind, there was no going back. The night did not cause any indifference in your friendship; it bloomed with each passing years of your middle school and then highschool. You two had become the infamous bestfriends, the once timid boy then all buff and handsome and the once spotlight lover girl then buried in her textbooks to pass the college entrance exams.

Throughout these years of teen, the candle shop had become a constant place for anything to you both; sadness, comfort or just enjoyable times. Until that one day when you met the grandson of the lady who owned the shop. Make a guess who it was.

When people spoke of their first heartbreak, you always cringed at how they exaggerated. Technically you never experienced one, so it seemed ridiculous to you that how was it possible to a simple break to cause others this much pain. You were shocked, no scratch that. Using fancy words, you were utterly bewildered when you saw the new transfer student—Jung Sungchan was the name, standing on the makeshift podium of your classroom. Thank God the architects decided to stick to keeping the height of the room above eight feet. You had changed drastically, contrasting your previous bubbly persona, you had become more reserved. It was just you being ambitious about something you had grown to like, and after some backstabs from your friends, you did not feel the need to have so many around you. Just Jeno being there for you was more than enough.

It would be a lie if Jeno did not sense the subtle looks you had been sending over to the new guy, but he was in no place to object you. It had only been a few moments of Sungchan’s arrival and Jeno already sensed his position in your life being threatened. He knew you were a saint who always looked out for others, and something about his presence made Jeno feel wary. Jeno did not need any of the privileges he had, all of it he owed to you after all. It was you who brought the best out of him, and in the end if he has them all but not you, it wasn’t clearly worth it to him. You preferred unpredictable things; it was what he learned about you in all your years of friendship. How you would always choose mystery thrillers over typical rom-coms, how you would always vouch for the new dish in the menu every time you both visited the local barbecue house. And he knew it was impossible to be one like that, it was just typical Taurus things (as he would like to blame) that made him too practical, too predictable for you. But, you never thought like that. It was just that even though you wanted to, you couldn’t make yourself grow romantic towards the boy you always shared your oreos and ramen with. He held a dear place in your heart and life.

Sungchan was immediately welcomed to the family, the girls already swooning over his good looks and amazing grades. Plus icing on the top, he was the half-brother of the infamous Jung Yoonoh, the heartthrob of the whole school, from juniors to seniors. While Jaehyun was the typical definition of being that one dude we always see in rom-coms who is loved and admired by all for his too humble personality and ethics, Sungchan on the other hand was more of a quiet one, often too shy properly open up his orginal self around new environment. Despite that, he was naturally amiable just like his brother, a trait that perhaps ran in the Jung household. Unlike Jaehyun who was presumably born with good brains, Sungchan was a hardworking one. Sungchan tried to settle down the queasy feeling he had been feeling ever since he moved back here, now that Jaehyun was always busy in Seoul with his medical degree someone had to look after their aging grandma. Sungchan was never really a part of any group, so leaving behind his school back in the city was not that painful for him. The atmosphere of the whole campus was pretty soothing; the bushes of neatly trimmed trees, big huge playground and the ochre shaded building. He liked all of it, and to top it all the uniform was really his style: solid crème and dark maroon combination.

When Sungchan stood awkwardly in the middle of the classroom, clearly clueless as to where he would be seating since all the seats were occupied, a soft voice called out his name rather eagerly. His eyes scanned for a while until he saw you; dark hair tied up neatly into a ponytail with a pencil in your hand as you waved him to notice the empty seat beside yours. Sungchan smiled at your sweet gesture, his out of place feeling now subsiding into the warmth of the possible blooming friendship.

“Hi there, I am Y/N.” You chirped, wiping your left hand before bringing it out for him to shake. Sungchan froze for a while before he realized what he was supposed to be doing. “Oh! And this is Jeno!” You turned slightly towards your best friend sitting just behind you with his famous eye smile.

“Hello, I am Jung Sungchan.” He returned the gesture shaking both your and Jeno’s hand. Whilst Jeno had the feeling of roughness and athleticism in his, your hands were warm and soft; it felt nice he thought. That was the first impression of yours to him: ball of sunshine. And your impression of him? Reserved and unpredictable; a combination that only meant chaos and imbalance.

Sungchan side-glanced at your fumbling state. Seating next to him you in the front row, you skimmed over your not so pleasant looking notes that you had scribbled anxiously in the prior night. Public speaking had never been a big deal for you once you get adjusted to the audience after going up on stage. However, it is the pre anxiety session that just always riles you up.

“You know,” Your head whipped a bit too fast to your liking at the voice belonging to the only male that sat beside you. “I’ll show you a trick. Here.” Sungchan proceeded to softly place your trembling hands on his, cautiousness apparent with every move he made. Even though you both had been seatmates for the last three months, you never found yourself involved in any sort of skinship with him; something that was really common for you and Jeno. The look of fluster was way too obvious when Sungchan softly rubbed various shapes on the back of your hand with his thumb, you were unsure if he was actually helping you ease from nervousness or just increasing it further. It had quite been a while since you had your hands caged in his, both of you completely unaware of the looks you had been getting from your senior teachers seated in the neighboring row. The moment was cut off when your name was announced from the stage by a senior, requesting your presence to commence your speech. Sungchan slowly lets go of your hands, mumbling a soft ‘best of luck!’ with his hands now fisted as an act of verbal encouragement. You eyes wandered around the crowd for a while before locating your best friend who sat miserably beside the homeroom teacher, really closing to dozing off before noticing your presence and copying Sungchan’s gestures.

The bus paused, Jeno still deep in his slumber despite the harsh jerk of the vehicle stopping in its tracks. You sighed, he must have probably been gaming the whole night with his roommate Donghyuck again. You nudged softly at first, the lack of response later than causing you to shake him vigorously by his toned arms that barely fit in your palms. Jeno instantly sprinted up with wide eyes before softly muttering a curse at your cruel way of waking him up.

“I was definitely right about you being a torturer in your previous life.”

“Sure you were. Get your ass off the bus now.”

You parted your ways with Jeno on the campus ground, him heading to his coding facult while you headed towards the chemistry club room. Apparently a newbie was supposed to come today from the US. It was odd you assumed since US had much better facilities for students majoring in chemistry. You glanced at your figure on your way to the room, wondering if the ripped jeans were a good choice as a first impression. You just disliked the idea of leaving off bad impressions, even if you are never going to meet the person again until your next life. Jaemin, another close friend of both you and Jeno smiled widely at your entrance, waving his hand as he pointed the seat next to him enthusiastically. Jaemin and you were basically clones of each other, the leos inside of you both shinig at its best whenever you two are together.

“I don’t understand why move back here from THE United States.” Jaemin dragged out the word, scoffing silently as he handed you a cup of iced Americano. You were about to sip before pausing. You could not have possibly risked your stomach again after that one fateful day when you tasted ‘his type’ of iced Americano. This dude legit gulped down eight espresso shots with a satisfied hum, horrified looks painted on your and Jeno’s features as you both just stared at him in utter shock.

“Please not the poisonous drink.” You eyed the male suspiciously, who scoffed at the nickname.

“Of couse not little baby.” Jaemin cooed with his lips puckered and an annoying high pitched voice, purposefully pinching your cheeks a bit harder than he usually does.

“You little moth-”

“Hello guys, I am Sungchan. Nice to meet you all.” Your heart dropped at the familiar tone of voice. He isn’t possibly back again after leaving without any traces, without a single goodbye, is he? You did not dare to look at his figure standing in front of the table, awkwardly shifting in your seat while Jaemin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Hello, Sungchan.” Sulli, your senior by 2 years and also the president of the club greeted him warmly. “I hope you like it here because adjusting to a new place might be hard at times. Oh, these are your classmates; Y/N and Jaemin.”

Sungchan immediately looked in your direction at the mention of your name, his eyes equally wide in surprise mirroring your previous reaction.

“Y/N?” He called out in a rather unsure tone, just like his movements the cautiousness was also present there. “It’s been……a while….”

“Yeah, indeed.” You had a visible change in demeanor, Jaemin finally grasping the tense situation before jogging up to the male.

“Hi there, I am Na Jaemin. You can call me Nana if you want.” Jaemin put his hand out as a formality, to which Sungchan politely complied. “There’s a seat there you can sit.” Jaemin was luckily wise enough to occupy the empty seat beside yours without knowing the turn of events. He motioned Sungchan towards the seat diagonal to you, sensing the discomfort in your posture he assumed it was best if Sungchan sat somewhat further.

Concentrating on the yearly planning for the club was harder with his presence; Sungchan unable to hide his obvious lingering gaze on you. Jaemin would cough every now and then, signaling the male to focus on the club president’s instructions instead of you. But as his usual self, Sungchan pretended to not notice the clear hints, continuing keep his eyes locked on yours. You were barely able to note down some important events, knowing that Jaemin certainly cannot be trusted with his short time memory. After that president bids her farewell to everyone present in the room, you take it as your cue to just flee as soon as possible from his reach.

“Y/N, wait!” Sungchan was quick to grab you just as you were about to exit by the door, the sudden halt in movement causing you to stumble back into his embrace awkwardly. You were definitely embarrassed, your back pressed against his chest in a weird manner as you straighten yourself again. You scrunched you nose to hide your embarrassment before asking him.

“What is it now Jung Sungchan?” You were not meaning to snap at him, but the bitter memories of the past seemed to get the best of you.

Sungchan slightly winced at your cold tone, but what else could have expected after all the pain he had caused you. “I…I do..I mean like I..”

“Sungchan, I have my classes. Gather up your thoughts and then talk.” With that you turned on your heels, not even bothering to take your bag that you left on the seat you were prior sitting. Jaemin observed the scene quietly, his minds finally connecting the dots. Jung Sungchan, the boy you would always cry about whenever you got drunk, the boy who left you with nothing but memories of him. Jaemin thought it was best to not let out his inner frustration towards the guy who was now standing motionless in his tracks, lost in his trance as he gaped towards the door you had just left. Jaemin passed by Sungchan without a word, instinctively grabbing your bag as he made his way to his next class.

Sungchan stood dumbfounded, numerous thoughts racing in his mind. Why did I have to be so foolish? He thought. How can I blame her when I was the one who broke the promise first?

Summer 2017

It was getting pretty boring for you at the library; usually some of the classmates bickering would give you some sort of silent company as you scribble down the notes. But for some unfound reason you seemed to be extremely distracted. You let out a long annoyed huffed, hands stretching in weird directions as you rested your head on the wooden table. It struck your mind there might be butts of nails pointed out and you didn’t want to get yourself a shot of tetanus, so you lazily glided your hands across the surface before returning back to your half laying position. It didn’t take long for you to zone out, mind running through various scenarios of university life, jobs and perhaps marriage? You blushed at the thought, just like any other teen you were also low-key always looking forward to your wedding.

“Are you asleep?” You shot up startled at the sudden voice, eyes immediately widening as you realized the owner. Sungchan had a smile with his lips pressed into a thin line, casually pulling out the empty seat beside yours as he made himself comfortable on it.

“Good to know you’re not. I need your help.” Sungchan wasted no time rummaging out a stack of sheets from his backpack, pressing them against the wood with a loud thump. You slightly winced at the loudness since the library was extra quiet today, the sound thus bouncing off more.

“You know if it’s literature, I suck at it.” Your mind took you back at that one time when you almost got yourself a C on the mentioned subject, chills running down at the memory.

“No, no.” Sungchan waved his hands softly chuckling. “It’s actually chemistry. Judging as a seatmate, I believe it’s your best sport.”

You happily nodded at the male, pleased that you get to help him with something that was under your specialty. Sungchan took a notice of your happy state, equally pleased that it was you that would be helping him.

“Tell me, what can I help you with.” You took the fat book from his hold, skimming over the contents page before highlighting the topics that were extremely important for the semester.

“I think hybridization? I just can’t seem to get how it works!” Sungchan’s voice levitated suddenly out of frustration, momentarily catching you off guard. Sungchan seemed to notice your amused look, shyly rubbing the nape of his neck with a little shrug.

“You know this is the first time I’ve seen you frustrated.” You commented, eyes fixated on the pages even though they were being extremely reluctant to rather focus on the fussy male. “It’s pretty easy you know. Look.” You explained him cautiously and slowly, how the overlapping of the orbitals occurred not realizing the proximity that seemed to lessen drastically. You whipped at his direction to see any signs of confusion, only to be met with a pair of dark orbs that stared at you intently. As embarrassing as it may sound, you gulped loudly. A bit too loud than you had intended to.

Sunghcan took notice of the situation you both blanketed in as a wave of déjà vu washed over him. He cleared his throat loud and awkward, half to lessen the embarrassment you were feeling and to poorly hide his own. You both were looking everywhere but each other, too dumb to maximize the close distance instead of acting like awkward cats.

“What are you both doing?” a deep male voice jerked you back to reality, upon turning you saw it belonged to Jeno. When did he come here?

“She was explaining the hybridization shits.” Sungchan huffed, slowly settling back to his orginal position. “I asked you so many times though…”

“You know chemistry is not my cup of tea.” Jeno shrugged at the male, a lazy smile playing on his face. “You wanna stay for b-ball practice today?”

“Not sure, I’ll see to it mate.” Sungchan did that fist-bump with Jeno, the two casually mingling like old friends as you stared idiotically at the scene unfolding in front of you.

“Since when did you both become Damon and Pythias?”

“Y/N, please not again your alien languages.” Jeno rolled his eyes before taking the seat beside, sandwiching you between both the males. “Since you happen to be tutoring a clown, an addition of another clown won’t do you any harm.” Jeno smiled at you, his doe eyes disappearing in the process.

Sungchan held back his snort, looking over both of you, he was happy. Though he was not as close to you as he had become to Jeno, he still considered you somewhat a close friend of his. Being seatmates with you and Jeno, it was inevitable that he soon became a constant in your life. Did I tell you that the candle shop was owned by his grandma? The shop if anything, had become this secret spot for you three. Study dates, random chills or just lazying around, the candle shop would be the first name that would pop up in your mind.

With a blink of an eye perhaps junior year passes. Maybe that was how last years of highschool were. At one moment you barely just got promoted to a new class, and at another, you’re yet again getting promoted to higher one. You sat under the dull moonlight, a thin cardigan that was gifted to you by your dearest friend’s grandma. When Sungchan invited you and Jeno at his, his grandma had knitted this cardigan for you and a beanie for Jeno. The gesture was so sweet that it completely melted your heart, she was the living definition of wholesome for you.

It was maybe that one day when you three decided to stroll the spring fair of your neighborhood, when you both finally came clean to your feelings. Jeno was always the one pointing you out that how you should just be a woman and confess. “It doesn’t always have to be the guy that says I LIKE YOU!” This what we he said before disappearing into the hives of crowds, leaving you waiting for Sungchan at the front of the public toilet he was finishing his business in. Pretty awkward right? Where else does anyone get to see a girl waiting for her crush in front of a public restroom. Sungchan came back outside, shuffling out his handphone before furrowing his brows at the text he just received. You immediately understood it was from Jeno. You had no idea what came over you, it felt like the adrenaline in your system decided to flood your nervous system, not even aware of yourself just launching at the dude with a chaste kiss on his lips. He was completely taken aback by the sudden feeling of your lips on his, it took him a while before responding you back with the same enthusiasm. You broke first from the kiss, not realising your fists crunching his prior perfectly ironed shirt. But he did not mind it all, a shy smile playing on both of your faces. The rest of the night was spent with your hands laced in his, just like another high school sweethearts of the time.

You smiled at the memory. Sungchan had a cigarette lit between the tips of his fingers, the tobacco smoke slowly poking your nose but not strong enough to bother you. With a deep sigh, he took a puff before blowing it own again in the air, a cloud of smog dancing around his figure.

“You should quit it, it’s not healthy.” It had already been a year since you became friends and six months since you became more than it, but there were times like this when you still found yourself nervous and wary whenever you are talking to him. You snuggled yourself into the cardigan, hugging yourself to minimize the tinges of frostbites. Sungchan was considerate of your discomfort, whenever he smoked, he made sure the cigarette was at least 2 feet away from you.

“Take this.” Sungchan handed you another thick layer of clothing from his bag, his initials “J.SG” written big and bold. Without much thought, you accepted his kindness, and Sungchan had high tolerance to cold anyways unlike you who would shiver to death in the most usual temperatures. You figured Sungchan decided to dodge the topic you brought it, and you figured it would be better to not bring it up for a while.

“Where do you plan on going for college.” Sungchan spoke while rubbing the shortened cigarette on the bricks of the roof, swallowing the remaining water from his bottle throwing a strawberry gum inside his mouth. You figured he was now free from the reek of tobacco as you scoot closer to his form, opening your arms within the jacket for his to snuggle in as well. Just like Jeno, skinship was no new news for you both too, however; it always had your heart racing like crazy. You both remained cozy under the warm embrace of the jacket, and you prayed Sungchan would never listen how your pulse was acting up.

“I don’t know. Perhaps SNU? I mean only if I get accepted...” You trailed off, propping your chin against your bent knees before glancing at the boy. Then it struck you, what made him ask this sudden question, what made him smoke three cigarettes straight despite having yearly break for a whole month. “Will you be going to the US as well?”

“I don’t know...” Sungchan deeply sighed, his lips forming a small pout as he indulged in deep thought. What if he actually happens to leave for America? Your heart clenched at the thought, mimicking his sighs you rested your head against his shoulder.

“You know,” You stared at the sky, it was dark and clear with no signs of stars. The feeling was unsettling. “Wherever you go, we’ll always be there for you.” Your eyes shifted to the illuminating lights from numerous buildings that replaced the absence of the twinkling stars in the sky. The ominous feeling soon dissipated into relief. It was as if the universe telling you, we just have to look out for the good sides instead of dwelling on the bad.

“I know.” Sungchan smiled, one that was both happy and sad. He rested his head on yours, joining your company of gazing at the scenery. “I know.”

“Just...” there was hesitation laced in your tone, Sungchan was quick to notice it as he looked at you, nodding for you to continue. “Please don’t leave...not without a goodbye. Promise me that.”

“I promise you.” Sungchan held your cold hands in his warmer ones, a firm assurance making your heart swell in both hurt and adoration as you kissed him again.

You both never really made it official, despite the kiss at the fair. It was perhaps the uncertainty that held you both back. Sungchan’s future was not in his hands but his family’s; just like his brother, he is supposed to make his family shine bright. It was one of the major reasons why his parents let both the brothers two years of freedom on their remaining bits of high school. ‘All parents want the best for their kids,’ that’s what you would always say to him whenever you meet him at his roof; him smoking while you offered his physical comfort.

The senior year passed within a whim, the fright of entering into adulthood descending upon all the students as they remained buried in their textbooks. Maybe it wasn’t the case for everyone, but it did apply to you and your friends. You remained occupied with you daily extra classes for chemistry while Sungchan had biology and Jeno had mathematics. You three would meet up in periodic breaks, catching up with small talks before returning back to your respective schedules. It was nothing but hectic, and soon, the candle shop returned back to being just another isolated shop in your hometown.

Graduation day was filled with smiles and congratulatory phrases from different individuals, throwing your grad caps in the air felt like as if you were throwing away a significant part of your life, ready to embrace a new version of you. All the parents stood their with proud grins, delighted at their children’s achievement to their dreams.

“Congratulations!” You chirped, receiving bone crushing hugs from both your males before an elderly voice called for you.

“Y/N! Jeno! Sungchan!” It was your mom, waving excitedly to grab you and the males’ attention. “Say cheese!”

“Cheese!” You all resonated together, happy and delighted.

A series of furious knocks jolted you awake from your sleep. You figured it might have been your younger brother, probably wanting your help in his homework.

“I swear to god Y/b/n!” You let out an ear piercing shout, groggily rubbing your eyes from deep slumber.

“It’s me. Jeno.” You heard how breathy his voice sounded, it was coated with urgency and hurt. You heart dropped but you prayed to the Heavens and God, you prayed that it should not be the very thing that you had been dreading so much. You shot up from your bed, not even bothering to make yourself look presentable before whipping the door open to meet with an equally dazed and riled Jeno.

“It’s Sungchan. He...” Jeno beathed out a deep sigh, before handing you a lilac envelope, the initials J.SG written in bold. You failed to feel the tears pooling up, threatening to fall anytime. Jeno glanced over you sympathetically, with shaky trembling hands, you took the the paper.

You don’t bother to closer the door, Jeno soon taking his leave as he thought it would be best to give you some space to absorb it all in. The tears had started to stream uncontrollably when you saw the picture that came with the letter. It was one of the many pictures that you took on the night of the fair; the day you had confessed, the you had your first kiss. It was a polaroid of you holding him lovingly in an embrace, him shyly placing a kiss on your cheeks with the words ‘Here lies the proof of my utmost love and affection, always devoted to my only Y/N’ scribbled on the white frame. Your hands fished for your cellphone, frantically dialing his number as you waited for him to pick up, hoping that he’ll soothe your anxiety by saying he did not leave, that he was still in town and you were just being delusional.

But every time you dialed his contact, you were being forwarded to the monotonous tone saying that the number was currently unreachable. Your chest squeezed in pain, he had promised you. He promised you that he will come for a goodbye at least. He had promised you that he would never leave you clueless and hurting. All you ever asked for him, was just a goodbye; perhaps a source assurance for you to wait for his return.

You wiped the tears with the edge of your sleeves, opening the the piece of folded paper.

‘Dear lovely Y/N,

You might resent me when you receive this letter, and I certainly don’t blame you for that. I am not the best with words, I am clumsy and unexpressive but I hope that this piece of scribblings makes you understand all my feelings, my thoughts and emotions that have been haunting me from the day I first saw you.

You know I that I am very much aware that I do....hold some handsome genes.’ You couldn’t help but snicker at this.

‘However, unlike all, as typical as it may sound, you stood out. You lazily laid sprawling across your desk in deep slumber, completely unaware of the chaos of classroom. I wish I was that carefree like you, indulged in her own world and comfort bubble. It attracted me a lot.’ You got up from the floor, eyes still glued to the piece of paper as you shut your door locked. Your hands still went to dial his contact, but only to be forwarded to that damned robotic voice.

‘I wanted to be like you, not bothered by the constant pressures of coming from a prestigious family. Did I ever tell you my dad is the Director of Myeongsu Hospital?’ You gasped at the sudden information. His dad was the director of the one of the most prestigious and renowned hospitals of South Korea. It was too overwhelming for you to process, but you still found yourself continuing.

‘It was inevitable for me to act like just another teenager, not for me but for my brother too. I always blamed him for being so selfish when he just left me alone when he came to grandma, I failed to realize that it was some sort of comfort gift from our parents so that we’ll devote ourselves to build the family’s name for the rest of our lives.

Even though I wanna blame them, I don’t think I can because they had the same fate. It comes with a price when you’re born with a silver spoon, and I guess I had to pay mine when I left your doorstep last night. I...I was a coward. I know I should have just come up, hug you and kiss you for the last time. But I just couldn’t. I was too scared.

I was scared that the moment I’ll see you, my guards will crash down. These two days were really hectic for me, I made up excuses when you invited me at yours because I was afraid of losing my balance. I knew that only a glance at you would be enough to make me change my mind and revolt against my parents, my fate. And you have no idea how much I wanted to do so, you have no idea how I’ve spent endless of sleepless night where it is the only thing that would run on my mind. But you tell me, would it be really worth it? I did not want you spending the rest of your lives with swarming paps and reporters, publishing reports and articles of how you managed to tarnish the heir-in-line of the prestigious hospital. No I could never do to that someone I love so dearly. I could never in a thousand years do that.

You know every time I picture you in your grown-up self, I can only see a strong and confident woman thriving in her career, a woman that is so powerful but still has a heart of gold. I know that you’ll be an amazing person, inside and out. I wasn’t really planning to express my love and admiration for you like this, I hoped to do it in person, but perhaps, maybe that’s how the stars planned it out for us. Fate is extra cruel in my case don’t you think?

It would be extremely selfish of me to ask you to wait; I am not even sure if I would ever return because my father would be opening another branch in US. And well, I am not sure what plans he has for me.

So please, if you ever find it in your heart, I hope you will forgive me. And even if you don’t, please don’t ever feel guilty about it. You have all the right to do so and I most certainly deserve your hatred. I love you so much, Y/N. You’re my first kiss, my first love, and you’ll always hold this irreplaceable place in my heart.

With Love,

Jung Sungchan.

You felt your world crashing down, a part of you wished that this letter never ended. The only remain from him had also come to an end, and you were not sure how you would be able to cope with his absence for the next years of your life.

Present

“Sungchan is back?” Jeno widened his eyes in shock, the information seemingly unbelievable to him. “He really is?”

“Yes.” You monotonously replied, numerous thoughts battling at the back of your head. Jaemin cleared his throat, a sign for Jeno to not bring up the topic for a while. Jeno eyed the male in confusion before finally getting the hint.

“You’re lucky you don’t get to have Mr.Suh’s classes, he’s just hot and it’s frustrating. And that’s coming from a straight dude like me.” Jeno slurped on his smoothie loud and sound, probably to annoy the other male as he was well aware his distaste to people making sounds while eating.

“Y/N.” a voiced called out from behind, and you instantly knew who it belonged to.

“Sungchan. Oh my god!” Jeno shot up from his seat, immediately embracing the old face from his past. “How have you been man? You just disappeared...”

“I am so sorry.” Sungchan looked at Jeno with pleading eyes. “I know I have absolutely no excuse for my act and I am just so sorry, Jeno and Y/N.” Sungchan looked at Jeno who silently urged him to talk to you.

“Y/N, please talk to me. I don’t expect your forgiveness but please. Atleast curse me, hit me just do anything. Please.”

You whipped your head to find Sungchan crouching down to match your seat level, a sigh escaping from you as you stood straight from your seat.

“Guys, I’ll be back.” You gripped his hands before dragging him alongside the canteen corridor.

Jaemin looked over his friend who stood staring at the way you just took. And expressionless look was painted on his features, causing Jaemin to shake his head and sigh. “You know man,” Jeno changed his attention to the male speaking, fixing his glasses. “If I were you, I would have just held her back. You’re extremely strong, I could have never done that.” With that Jaemin patted his friend’s back, a silent assurance that if he needed a shoulder to cry or to simply lean on for comfort, he’ll be there for him.

A mixture of feelings were erupting inside you, you were furious but happy. Sad but grateful. You scanned the halls for signs of any empty classroom and upon finding one you just shoved the male inside it.

“What’s so funny about messing with my feelings?” You already tears welling up, your vision blurry as you sharply glance at the male with a frown on his face.

“Y/N, I would nev-”

“You left me,” you utterly hated at how pathetic you sounded at the moment, harshly wiping the tears streaming down your cheeks. “You promised me that you won’t leave without showing up one last time, but you did. You fucking did.” You knew it was not something under his control, but you couldn’t help but pour your bottled feelings.

“Please...Y/N...listen..to me...Please..” Sungchan lost his composure, his voice breaking as he stepped closer to you. Seeing how you did not flinch at his approach, Sungchan captivated you in his embrace, something that he had been yearning for ever since he parted ways. You felt the wetness of his tears on your head, melting in his longing embrace you found yourself hugging him back. You missed him so much, his scent, warmth, presence. Everything about him drove you crazy, you were still dazed to believe if he was actually back for real or is it just one of your numerous daydreams.

The rest of the days went as usual, but only with the addition of Sungchan back again in your life. Although you had long forgiven him in his heart, you decided to not vocal it out. As heartless as it may sound, you wanted him to make up for the pain he caused you, and he indeed did. Jaemin was skeptical in the beginning at the idea of another person joining you small group, he had come to liking the idea of you guys as trio and was more comfortable like that. But he saw how your eyes lit up every time you about him when you were newly friends with Jaemin, how Jeno would always drunk talk about the times they passed as seatmates bothering the hell out of you. So Jaemin broke his exterior cold composure on the fourth day, finally accepting the banana milk from the new male as a form of bribe for his addition to the group.

Sungchan worked harder than deities; always making sure to get you Americanos before your classes, taking extra notes for you whenever you felt sick, tolerating your extremely drunk self and even dropping you back at your dorms safely. He had mentioned how he finally mustered up the courage to stand up against his fathers, that he wanted to do something else rather than working in the medical field. Even though he had still yet to decided his desired career, Sungchan decided to just follow his intuitions which ended up him taking chemistry as his major and thus landing in the same institution and same class as yours. And not to mention, he was beyond grateful for it.

A month had passed with his arrival, the awkwardness amongst everyone long gone and forgotten. It was as if he never left you. You were never over him, so his all time sweet gestures was making it harder for you to maintain your cold act.

“I happened to attempt making kimbap? But I am not sure if they are edible..” Sungchan trailed off as he hesitantly hands you the small metal box. You almost laughed at how cute but messy they looked, his failed attempt at giving the rolls eyes and lips with sesame seeds and ketchup was beyond adorable. You took the box from his grasp, a smile playing on your face as you looked at him. Sungchan upon noticing your grin, rubbed the nap of his neck shyly, his ears and cheeks mirror the shade the of the ketchup. You took a bite from one of the many rolls he made, a hum of satisfaction escaping your lips as you relished the tangy sweet taste. It was perfect, just how you preferred it.

“It’s pretty good.” You licked the stain of ketchup from your fingers, failing to notice how the male blushed harder at your subtle act. “We have Mr.Lee’s class, so I believe we should hurry up before it’s too late.”

On the night of the annual university carnival, Sungchan confessed to you. At least not in front of a public washroom this time. With the constant aid of Jeno and Jaemin, Sungchan was able to plan out a pretty dramatic confession for you. You were completely surprised when Jaemin called you out of nowhere, frantically asking for your presence to a specific classroom. You feared if the dork had committed some sort of treason explaining how dramatic he sounded, so you rushed without giving any second thoughts. However, when you saw the trail of roses with candles adorning the edges, you froze. It had the same scent both you and Sungchan had invented; the sweet scent of lily with tinges of tangerine to it.

A flustered looking Sungchan steps out from the dark, his hands rest behind his back as you cautiously scanned your face. When he saw no signs of discomfort, Sungchan slowly jogged to where you stood, his hands holding a bouquet of lilies with a small note on top of it.

“I know I have made tons of mistakes, hurt you so many times. But I still want to test my luck.” Sungchan got down on his knees, holding the bouquet with his head hanging low. “Y/L/N, will you allow me to be your man? Will you be my girlfriend?”

A shit eating grin spread on your face, slightly giggling at how adorable he looked. “I thought you’d never ask.” You took the flowers, a soft smile adorning your lips as you lock eyes with an extremely surprised Sungchan. “Of course Sungchan.”

“Of course? For real?” Sungchan couldn’t believe what just happened, he was half expecting you to flat out reject him at how inconsiderate he had been. But you accepted his apology, accepted his love. Sungchan stood up, his heart squeezing in delight and adoration for you. He cupped your face gently, as if you were a porcelain doll that would just break if not handled carefully. You saw how his eyes shone with love, sparkling brightly on the soft light from the lighted candles and you swore you never felt so much before for anyone else as much as you felt for him. Sungchan closed the proximity, his nose slight touching yours as he rested his forehead against yours, the smiling never for once leaving his face.

The tension was building up with each passing second, the sounds of your heavy breathing being the only silence breaker. You got impatient, the feeling of his lush lips got you being greedy as you closed the distance standing on your tip-toes, momentarily catching him off the grid before receiving the same attention back. You gripped on his shirt, too unbothered to break the kiss despite losing your breath. He paused for a moment, panting before pulling you back under his spell. The bottled feelings and emotions of longing and pining for each other were poured into the this sweet shared moment of yours. You were grateful that the whole building had no signs of any lurking students and professors, what was supposed to be a innocent make-up kiss soon transformed into a heated one as he held you by your waist, pinning you against the wall with his lips still attached to yours.

You pulled back for the heavy make-out session, almost earning a whine from the male before you soothed him with you words that came next. “I love you.”

Sungchan felt his already beating heart pick up its pace, becoming hastier that he was low-key afraid if he might face a stroke anytime. With a loving grin, he looked back at you who was still caged in his arms. He tucked the stray of hair brushing across the sides of your face from the soft breeze entering the windows, the illuminating yellow hues from the candles making you look like a dream. A dream that seemed unattainable to him until this very moment.

“I love you so so much. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance to prove myself, to allow me to show you my feelings, Y/N.” He was breathless, he felt so many emotions at that moment when you glanced at him loving. He was afraid his pulse might stop any moment, so he kissed you back, but now filled with passion and desire. And let’s just say, one of your fantasies were fulfilled that night.

The news of his grandma passing away came after a few months when you both had officially started dating. Both the Jungs were extremely close to her, so when Jaehyun took her back to Myeongsu Hospital where he was currently the chief of neurology, her condition was inevitable. Jaehyun hoped that maybe she might get to spend more time on earth under his care, but he too was victim in the cruel hands of destiny. Sungchan rushed to your dorm, bloodshot eyes as he told you the news. You found yourself sobbing alongside him, tenderly keeping him embraced in your warmth as you shared his pain. You knew her personally as well, all the moments spent with her were a profound favorite part of teen years.

“I wanted to meet you before I leave for Seoul. I came to say a goodbye.” Sungchan sniffed, his hands wiping away the streams of water rolling down your face. You smiled at his concern, mimicking his actions you brushed his sweaty bangs away from his forehead before placing a soft peck against it.

“It’s okay. Don’t tell me goodbyes anymore...for I know you’ll always come back to me.”

Epilogue

Sungchan fumbled with his tie nervously, bile reaching up his throat as the worst scenarios flooded his brains. His eyes frantically looked around for help, making a bow-tie was just not his cup of his. A breath of relief escapes his lips when his eyes landed on his closest beloved friend Jeno. Jeno stood leaning against the door frame, an amused grin painting his sharp features as he walked to the struggling male.

“Bro...” Sungchan huffed pleadingly, a pout forming his eyes.

“Yes bro.” Jeno flashed him an eye roll, before having the same eye smile again as he fixed his friend’s tie. After all, it was a big event for him.

To say the least, you looked breathtaking in your white laced gown. The simplicity of the dress made you look more elegant, it enhanced your natural beauty and Sungchan couldn’t just tear his eyes away from your form. It was supposed to be the bride’s day, but to him you shone the brightest.

“You know it’s me getting married, but the new comers might assume it’s you considering how you are gaping at y/n shamelessly.” Jaehyun hissed to his best man, earning a scoff from Sungchan.

“Hyung, let me have my moment! Please.” Sungchan whined but was careful to tone it down, only to receive a slight nudge from the groom who chuckled at his antics.

The wedding was glamorous, elegant, anything that could be named as a dream wedding. Sungchan remained glued beside you the whole night, a proud grin on his face every time he was asked about the lady whose arms laid locked with his. With a smug look, he would rub on their faces that you were his girlfriend, especially exaggerating to the males who seemed to had their eyes on you. You both enjoyed the silent company of each other, the soothing sounds of the wind replacing the absence of music as Sungchan drove you back to your place, hands still intertwined. When he came in front of your shared apartment, he fidgeted in his seat nervously; fishing out something from his coat.

You figured it was another one of his endless gifts, so you just smiled with your back resting against the cushion seat of the car.

“Sungchan, you really need to-”

A throat seering stopped you in the midst of speaking, your eyes widening when you realized what the purple velvet box might contain. Sungchan let out breaths of nervousness, blowing out some air out of his lungs to lessen the feeling of anxiety as he looked at you, eyes as genuine as ever.

“Y/N, I don’t believe in fancy proposals as you know. It is an intimate moment for us so I want it to happen in the presence of only us.” Sungchan stuttered in the middle as he opened the box, revealing an extremely gorgeous but simple plated band with a small stone adorning the top perfectly.

“So will you marry me?”

You stared at the male dumbfounded. Your eyes refused to believe the scene in front of you, hearts doing numerous flips and turns and it was just hard to explain all the feelings you were feeling. Sungchan had always been the one for you, and even though not everyone gets to have a happy ending with their first love, you were beyond grateful that you had happened to fall in the rare probability.

“I...OF COURSE. OF COURSE I WILL.” You yelped in delight, shoving your hand in front of his face as he just laughed while placing the ring on your finger. It fit perfectly. You grabbed him by the collar and kissed him with your overpowering passion and love, not realizing how if continued any longer, you guys might have to pay a fine for parking on the wrong side. So without wasting any time further, you both hauled yourselves to your apartment, refusing to break the contact of your lips molded perfectly together on your way. In short, let’s just say ‘sweet innocent kiss transformed into a heated one’ yet again.

I went completely overboard with this. I am so sorry if it didn’t turn up as you had expected it to, and honestly I am not completely pleased with it either. I felt like it could’ve been better in terms of expressing emotions. However, improvement is a never ending proccess and im still learning. SO TO WHOEVER WHO HAPPENED TO MAKE THIS TILL HERE. I LOVE YOU SODIJMS YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME.

Feedbacks and criticisms are always appreciated! Please care to leave them as it may help me potentially grow as a writer. Thank you for sparing your time to read my piece of work.

with love,

Hana.

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thecaffeinebookwarrior · 4 years

Text

The Importance of Antiheroes

By Brooksie C. Fontaine (me) and Sara R. McKearney

Few tropes are as ubiquitous as that of the hero. He takes the form of Superman, ethically and non-lethally thwarting Lex Luthor. Of Luke Skywalker, gazing wistfully at twin suns and waiting for his adventure to begin. In pre-Eastwood era films, a white Stetson made the law-abiding hero easily distinguishable from his black-hatted antagonists. He is Harry Potter, Jon Snow, T’Challa, Simba. He is of many incarnations, he is virtually inescapable, and he serves a necessary function: he reminds us of what we can achieve, and that regardless of circumstance, we can choose to be good. We need our heroes, and always will.

But equally vital to the life-blood of any culture is his more nebulous and difficult to define counterpart: the antihero. Whereas the hero is defined, more or less, by his morality and exceptionalism, the antihero doesn’t cleanly meet these criteria. Where the hero tends to be confident and self-assured, the antihero may have justifiable insecurities. While the hero has faith in the goodness of humanity, the anthero knows from experience how vile humans can be. While the hero typically respects and adheres to authority figures and social norms, the antihero may rail against them for any number of reasons. While the hero always embraces good and rejects evil, the antihero may do either. And though the hero might always be buff, physically capable, and mentally astute, the antihero may be average or below. The antihero scoffs at the obligation to be perfect, and our culture's demand for martyrdom. And somehow, he is at least as timeless and enduring as his sparklingly heroic peers.

Which begs the question: where did the antihero come from, and why do we need him?

The Birth of the Anti-Hero:

It is worth noting that many of the oldest and most enduring heroes would now be considered antiheroes. The Greek Heracles was driven to madness, murdered his family, and upon recovering had to complete a series of tasks to atone for his actions. Theseus, son of Poseidon and slayer of the Minotaur, straight-up abandoned the woman who helped him do it. And we all know what happened to Oedipus, whose life was so messed up he got a complex named after him.

And this isn’t just limited to Ancient Greece: before he became a god, the Mesoamerican Quetzalcoatl committed suicide after drunkenly sleeping with his sister. The Mesopotamian Gilgamesh – arguably the first hero in literature – began his journey as a slovenly, hedonistic tyrant. Shakespearian heroes were denoted with an equal number of gifts and flaws – the cunning but paranoid Hamlet, the honorable but gullible Othello, the humble but power-hungry MacBeth – which were just as likely to lead to their downfall as to their apotheosis.

There’s probably a definitive cause for our current definition of hero as someone who’s squeaky clean: censorship. With the birth of television and film as we know it, it was, for a time, illegal to depict criminals as protagonists, and law enforcement as antagonists. The perceived morality of mainstream cinema was also strictly monitored, limiting what could be portrayed. Bonnie and Clyde, The Good the Bad and the Ugly, Scarface, The Godfather, Goodfellas, and countless other cinematic staples prove that such policies did not endure, but these censorship laws divorced us, culturally, from the moral complexity of our most resonant heroes.

Perhaps because of the nature of the medium, literature arguably has never been as infatuated with moral purity as its early cinematic and T.V. counterparts. From the Byronic male love interests of the Bronte sisters, to “Doctor” Frankenstein (that little college dropout never got a PhD), to Dorian Grey, to Anna Karenina, to Scarlett O’Hara, to Holden Caulfield, literature seems to thrive on morally and emotionally complex individuals and situations. Superman punching a villain and saving Lois Lane is compelling television, but doesn’t make for a particularly thought-provoking read.

It is also worth noting, however, that what we now consider to be universal moral standards were once met with controversy: Superman’s story and real name – Kal El – are distinctly Jewish, in which his doomed parents were forced to send him to an uncertain future in a foreign culture. Captain America punching Nazis now seems like a no-brainer, but at the time it was not a popular opinion, and earned his Jewish creators a great deal of controversy. So in a manner of speaking, some of the most morally upstanding heroes are also antiheroes, in that they defied society’s rules.

This brings us to our concluding point: that anti-heroes can be morally good. The complex and sometimes tragic heroes of old, and today’s antiheroes, are not necessarily immoral, but must often make difficult choices, compromises, and sacrifices. They are flawed, fallible, and can sometimes lead to their own downfall. But sometimes, they triumph, and we can cheer them for it. This is what makes their stories so powerful, so relatable, and so necessary to the fabric of our culture. So without further ado, let’s have a look at some of pop-culture’s most interesting antiheroes, and what makes them so damn compelling.

Note: For the purposes of this essay, we will only be looking at male antiheroes. Because the hero’s journey is traditionally so male-oriented, different standards of subversiveness, morality, and heroism apply to female protagonists, and the antiheroine deserves an article all her own.

Antiheroes show us the negative effects of systematic inequalities (and what they can do to gifted people.)

As demonstrated by: Tommy Shelby from Peaky Blinders.

Why he could be a hero: He’s incredibly charismatic, intelligent, and courageous. He deeply cares for his loved ones, has a strict code of honor, reacts violently to the mistreatment of innocents, and demonstrates surprisingly high levels of empathy.

Why he’s an antihero: He also happens to be a ruthless, incredibly violent crime lord who regularly slashes out his enemies’ eyes.

What he can teach us: From the moment Tommy Shelby makes his entrance, it becomes apparent that Peaky Blinders will not unfold like the archetypical crime drama. Evocative of the outlaw mythos of the Old West, Tommy rides across a smoky, industrialized landscape. He is immaculately dressed, bareback, on a magnificent black horse. A rogue element, his presence carries immediate power, causing pedestrians to hurriedly clear a path. You get the sense that he does not conform to this time or era, nor does he abide by the rules of society.

The ONLY acceptable way to introduce a protagonist.

Set in the decades between World War I and II, Peaky Blinders differentiates itself from its peers, not just because of its distinctive, almost Shakespearian style of storytelling, powerful visual style, and use of contemporary music, but also in the manner in which it shows that society provokes the very criminality it attempts to vanquish. Moreover, it dedicates time to demonstrating why this form of criminality is sometimes the only option for success in an unfair system. When the law wants to keep you relegated to the station in which you were born, success almost inevitably means breaking the rules. Tommy is considered one of the most influential characters of the decade because of the manner in which he embodies this phenomenon, and the reason why antiheroes pervade folklore across the decades.

Peaky Blinders engenders a unique level of empathy within its first episodes, in which we are not just immersed in the glamour of the gangster lifestyle, but we understand the background that provoked it. Tommy, who grew up impoverished and discriminated against due to his “didicoy” Romany background, volunteered to fight for his country, and went to war as a highly intelligent, empathetic young man. He returned with the knowledge that the country he had served had essentially used him and others like him as canon fodder, with no regard for their lives, well-being, or future. Such veterans were often looked down upon or disregarded by a society eager to forget the war. Having served as a tunneler – regarded to be the worst possible position in a war already beset by unprecedented brutality – Tommy’s constant proximity to death not only destroyed his faith in authority, but also his fear of mortality. This absence of fear and deference, coupled with his incredible intelligence, ambition, ruthlessness, and strategic abilities, makes him a dangerous weapon, now pointed at the very society that constructed him to begin with.

It is also difficult to critique Tommy’s criminality, when we take into account that society would have completely stifled him if he had abided by its rules. As someone of Romany heritage, he was raised in abject poverty, and never would have been admitted into situations of higher social class. Even at his most powerful, we see the disdain his colleagues have at being obligated to treat him as an equal. In one particularly powerful scene, he begins shoveling horse manure, explaining that, “I’m reminding myself of what I’d be if I wasn’t who I am.” If he hadn’t left behind society’s rules, his brilliant mind would be occupied only with cleaning stables.

However, the necessity of criminality isn’t depicted as positive: it is one of the greatest tragedies of the narrative that society does not naturally reward the most intelligent or gifted, but instead rewards those born into positions of unjust privilege, and those who are willing to break the rules with intelligence and ruthlessness. Each year, the trauma of killing, nearly being killed, and losing loved ones makes Tommy’s PTSD increasingly worse, to the point at which he regularly contemplates suicide. Cillian Murphy has remarked that Tommy gets little enjoyment out of his wealth and power, doing what he does only for his family and “because he can.” Steven Knight cites the philosophy of Francis Bacon as a driving force behind Tommy’s psychology: “Since it’s all so meaningless, we might as well be extraordinary.”

This is further complicated when it becomes apparent that the upper class he’s worked so arduously to join is not only ruthlessly exclusionary, but also more corrupt than he’s ever been. There are no easy answers, no easy to pinpoint sources of societal or personal issues, no easy divisibility of positive and negative. This duality is something embraced by the narrative, and embodied by its protagonist. An intriguingly androgynous figure, Tommy emulated the strength and tenacity of the women in his life, particularly his mother; however, he also internalized her application of violence, even laughing about how she used to beat him with a frying pan. His family is his greatest source of strength and his greatest weakness, often exploited by his enemies who realize they cannot fall back on his fear of mortality. He feels emotions more strongly than the other characters, and ironically must numb himself to the world around him in order to cope with it.

However, all hope is not lost. Creator Steven Knight has stated that his hope is ultimately to redeem Tommy, so by the show’s end he is “a good man doing good things.” There are already whispers of what this may look like: as an MP, Tommy cares for Birmingham and its citizens far more than any “legitimate” politicians, meeting with them personally to ensure their needs are met; as of last season, he attempted a Sinatra-style assassination of a rising fascist simply because it was the right thing to do. “Goodness” is an option in the world of Peaky Blinders; the only question is what form it will take on a landscape plagued by corruption at every turn.

Regardless of what form his “redemption” might take, it’s negligible that Tommy will ever meet all the criteria of an archetypal hero as we understand it today. He is far more evocative of the heroes of Ancient Greece, of the Old West, of the Golden Age of Piracy, of Feudal Japan – ferocious, magnitudinous figures who move and make the earth turn with them, who navigate the ever-changing landscapes of society and refuse to abide by its rules, simultaneously destructive and life-affirming. And that’s what makes him so damn compelling.

Who needs traditional morality, when you look this damn good?

Other examples:

Alfie Solomons from Peaky Blinders. Tommy’s friend and sometimes mortal enemy, the two develop an intriguing, almost romantic connection due to their shared experiences of oppression and powerful intellects. Steven Knight has referred to Alfie as “the only person Tommy can really talk to,” possibly because he is Tommy’s only intellectual equal, resulting in a strange form of spiritual matrimony between the two.

Omar Little from The Wire, an oftentimes tender and compassionate man who cares deeply for his loved ones, and does his best to promote morality and idealism in a society which offers him few viable methods of doing so. He may rob drug dealers at gunpoint, but he also refuses to harm innocents, dislikes swearing, and views his actions as a method of decreasing crime in the area.

Chiron from Moonlight, a sensitive and empathetic young man who became a drug dealer because society had provided him with virtually no other options for self-sustenance. The same could be said for Chiron’s mentor and father figure, Juan, a kind and nurturing man who is also a drug dealer.

To a lesser extent, Tony from The Sopranos, and other fictional Italian American gangsters. The Sopranos often negotiates the roots of mob culture as a response to inequalities, while also holding its characters accountable for their actions by pointing out that Tony and his ilk are now rich and privileged and face little systematic discrimination.

Walter White from Breaking Bad – an underpaid, chronically disrespected teacher who has to work two jobs and still can’t afford to pay for medical treatment. More on him on the next page.

Antiheroes show us how we can be the villains.

As demonstrated by: Walter White from Breaking Bad.

Why he could be a hero: He’s a brilliant, underappreciated chemist whose work contributed to the winning of a Nobel Prize. He’s also forging his own path in the face of incredible adversity, and attempting to provide for his family in the event of his death.

Why he’s an antihero: In his pre-meth days, Walt failed to meet the exceptionalism associated with heroes, as a moral but socially passive underachiever living an unremarkable life. At the end of his transformation, he is exceptional at what he does, but has completely lost his moral standards.

What he can teach us: G.K. Chesterton wrote, “Fairy tales do not tell children that the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” Following this analogy, it is equally important that our stories show us we, ourselves, can be the dragon. Or the villain, to be more specific, because being a dragon sounds strangely awesome.

Walter White of Breaking Bad is a paragon of antiheroism for a reason: he subverts almost every traditional aspect of heroism. From the opening shots of Walt careening along in an RV, clad in tighty whities and a gas mask, we recognize that he is neither physically capable, nor competent in the manner we’ve come to expect from our heroes. He is not especially conventionally attractive, nor are women particularly drawn to him. He does not excel at his career or garner respect. As the series progresses, Walt does develop the competence, confidence, courage, and resilience we expect of heroes, but he is no longer the moral protagonist: he is self-motivated, vindictive, and callous. And somehow, he still remains identifiable, which is integral to his efficacy.

But let us return to the beginning of the series, and talk about how, exactly, Walt subverts our expectations from the get-go. Walt is the epitome of an everyman: he’s fifty years old, middle class, passive, and worried about identifiable problems – his health, his bills, his physically disabled son, and his unborn baby. Whereas Tommy Shelby’s angelic looks, courage, and intellect subvert our preconceptions about what a criminal can be, Walt’s initial unremarkability subverts our preconceptions about who can be a criminal. The hook of the series is the idea that a man so chronically average could make and distribute meth.

Just because an audience is hooked by a concept, however, does not mean that they’ll necessarily continue watching. Breaking Bad could have easily veered into ludicrosity, if it weren’t for another important factor: character. Walt is immediately and intensely relatable, and he somehow retains our empathy for the entirety of the series, even at his least forgivable.

When we first meet Walt, his talents are underappreciated, he’s overqualified for his menial jobs, chronically disrespected by everyone around him, underpaid, and trapped in a joyless, passionless life in which the highlight of his day is a halfhearted handjob from his distracted wife. And to top it all off? He has terminal lung cancer. Happy birthday, Walt.

We root for him for the same reason we root for Dumbo, Rudolph, Harry Potter: he’s an underdog. The odds are stacked against him, and we want to see him triumph. Which is why it’s cathartic, for us and for Walt, when he finally finds a profession in which he can excel – even if that profession is the ability to manufacture incredibly high-quality meth. His former student Jesse Pinkman – a character so interesting that there’s a genuine risk he’ll hijack this essay – appreciates his skill, and this early appreciation is what makes his relationship with Jesse feel so much more genuine than Walt’s relationship with his family, even as their dynamic becomes increasingly unhealthy and Walt uses Jesse to bolster his meth business and his ego. This deeply dysfunctional but heartfelt father-son connection is Walt’s tether to humanity as he becomes increasingly inhumane, while also demonstrating his descent from morality. It has been pointed out that one can gauge how far-gone Walt is from his moral ideals by how much Jesse is suffering.

But to return to the initial point, it is imperative that we first empathize with Walt in order to adequately understand his descent. Aside from the fact that almost all characters are more interesting if the audience can or wants to empathize with them, Walt’s relatability makes it easy to understand our own potential for toxic and destructive behaviors. We are the protagonist of our own story, but we aren’t necessarily its hero.

Similarly, we understand how easily we can justify destructive actions, and how quickly reasonable feelings of anger and injustice swerve into self-indulgent vindication and entitlement. Walt claims to be cooking meth to provide for his family, and this may be partially true; but he also denies financial help from his rich friends out of spite, and admits later to his wife Skylar that he primarily did it for himself because he was good at it and “it made (him) feel alive.”

This also forces us to examine our preconceptions, and essentially do Walt’s introspections for him: whereas Peaky Blinders emphasize the fact that Tommy and his family would never have been able to achieve prosperity by obeying society’s laws, Walt feels jilted out of success he was promised by a meritocratic system that doesn’t currently exist. He has essentially achieved our current understanding of the American dream – a house with a pool, a beautiful wife and family, an honest job – but it left him unable to provide for his wife and children or even pay for his cancer treatment. He’s also unhappy and alienated from his passions and fellow human beings. With this in mind, it’s understandable – if absurd – that the only way he can attain genuine happiness and excel is through becoming a meth cook. In this way, Breaking Bad is both a scathing critique of our current society, and a haunting reminder that there’s not as much standing between ourselves and villainy as we might like to believe.

So are we all slaves to this system of entitlement and resentment, of shattered and unfulfilling dreams? No, because Breaking Bad provides us with an intriguing and vital counterpoint: Jesse Pinkman. Whereas Walt was bolstered with promises that he was gifted and had a bright future ahead of him, Jesse was assured by every authority figure in his life that he would never amount to anything. However, Jesse proves himself skilled at what he’s passionate about: art, carpentry, and of course, cooking meth. Whereas Walt perpetually rationalizes and shirks responsibility, Jesse compulsively takes responsibility, even for things that weren’t his fault. Whereas Walt found it increasingly acceptable to endanger or harm bystanders, Jesse continuously worked to protect innocents – especially children – from getting hurt. Though Jesse suffered immensely throughout the course of the show – and the subsequent movie, El Camino – the creators say that he successfully made it to Alaska and started a carpentry business. Some theorists have supposed that Jesse might be a Jesus allegory – a carpenter who suffers for the sins of others. Regardless of whether this is true, it is interesting, and amusing to imagine Jesus using the word “bitch” so often. Though he didn’t get the instant gratification of immediate success that Walt got, he was able to carve (no pun intended – carpentry, you know) a place for himself in the world.

Jesse isn’t a perfect person, but he reminds us that improving ourselves and creating a better life is an option, even if Walt’s rise to power was more initially thrilling. So take heart: there’s a bit of Heisenberg in all of us, but there’s also a bit of Jesse Pinkman.

The savior we all need, but don’t deserve.

Other examples:

Bojack from Bojack Horseman. Like Walt, the audience can’t help but empathize with Bojack, understand his decision-making, and even see ourselves in him. However, the narrative ruthlessly demonstrates the consequences of his actions, and shows us how negatively his selfishness and self-destructive qualities impact others.

Again, Tony Soprano. Tony, even at his very worst, is easy to like and empathize with. Despite his position as a mafia Godfather, he’s unfailingly human. Which makes the destruction caused by his actions all the more resonant.

Antiheroes emphasize the absurdity of contemporary culture (and how we must operate in it.)

As demonstrated by: Marty Byrde from Ozark.

Why he could be a hero: He’s a loving father who ultimately just wants to provide for and ensure the safety of his family. He’s also fiercely intelligent, with excellent negotiative, interpersonal, and strategic skills that allows him to talk his way out of almost any situation without the use of violence.

Why he’s an antihero: He launders money for a ruthless drug cartel, and has no issue dipping his toes into various illegal activities.

Why he’s compelling: Marty is an antihero of the modern era. He has a remarkable ability to talk his way into or out of any situation, and he’s also a master of using a pre-constructed system of rules and privileges to his benefit.

In the very first episode, he goes from literally selling the American Dream, to avoiding murder at the hands of a ruthless drug cartel by planning to launder money for them in the titular Ozarks. Despite his long history of dabbling in illegality, Marty has no firearms – a questionable choice for someone on the run from violent drug kingpins, but a testament to his ability to rely on his oratory skills and nothing else. He doesn’t hesitate to engage an apparently violent group of hillbillies to request the return of his stolen cash, because he knows he can talk them into giving it back to him. The only time he engages other characters in physical violence, he immediately gets pummeled, because physical altercation has never been his form of currency. Not that he’s subjected to physical violence particularly often, either: Marty is a master of the corporate landscape, which makes him a master of the criminal landscape. He is brilliant at avoiding the consequences of his actions.

It’s easy to like and admire Marty for his cleverness, for being able to escape from apparently impermeable situations with words as his only weapon. He’s got a reassuring, dad-ly sort of charisma that immediately endears the viewer, and offers respite from the seemingly endless threats coming from every direction. He unquestionably loves his family, including his adulterous wife. As such, it’s easy to forget that Marty is being exploited by the same system that exploits all of us: crony capitalism. The polar opposite of meritocratic capitalism – in which success is based on hard work, ingenuity, and, hence the name, merit – crony capitalism benefits only the conglomerates that plague the global landscape like cancerous warts, siphoning money off of workers and natural capital, keeping them indentured with basic necessities and the idle promise of success.

Marty isn’t benefiting from his hard work in the Ozarks. Everything he makes goes right back to the drug cartel who continuously threatens the life of him and his family. He is rewarded for his efforts with a picturesque house, a boat, and the appearance of success, but he is not allowed to keep the fruits of his labor. Marty may be an expert at navigating the corporate and criminal landscape, but it still exploits him. In this manner, Marty embodies both the American business, the American worker, and a sort of inversion of the American dream.

In this same manner, Marty, the other characters, and even the Ozarks themselves embody the modern dissonance between appearance and reality. Marty’s family looks like something you’d respect to see on a Christmas card from your DILF-y, successful coworker, but it’s bubbling with dysfunctionality. His wife is cheating on him with a much-older man, and instead of confronting her about it, he first hired a private investigator and then spent weeks rewatching the footage, paralyzed with options and debating what to do. The problem somewhat solves itself when his wife’s lover is unceremoniously murdered by the cartel, and Wendy and Marty are driven into a sort of matrimonial business partnership motivated by the shared interest of protecting their children, but this also further demonstrates how corporate even their family dealings have become. His children, though precocious, are forced to contend with age-inappropriate levels of responsibility and the trauma of sudden relocation, juxtaposed with a childhood of complete privilege up until this point.

Conversely, the shadow of the Byrde family is arguably the Langmores. Precocious teenagers Ruth and Wyatt can initially be shrugged off as local hillbillies and budding con-artists, but much like the Shelby family of the Peaky Blinders, they prove to be extremely intelligent individuals suffering beneath a society that doesn’t care about their stifled potential. Systemic poverty is a bushfire that spreads from one generation to the next, stoked by the prejudices of authority figures and abusive parental figures who refuse to embrace change out of a misguided sense of class-loyalty.

Almost every other character we meet eventually inverts our expectations of them: from the folksy, salt-of-the-earth farmers who grow poppies for opium and murder more remorselessly than the cartel itself, to the cookie-cutter FBI agent whose behavior becomes increasingly volatile and chaotic, to the heroin-filled Bibles handed out by an unknowing preacher, to the secrets hidden by the lake itself, every detail conveys corruption hidden behind a postcard-pretty picture of tranquility and success.

Marty’s awareness of this illusion, and what lurks behind it, is perhaps the greatest subversion of all. Marty knows that the world of appearance and the world of reality coexist, and he was blessed with a natural talent for navigating within the two. Like Walter White, Marty makes us question our assumptions about who a criminal can be – despite the fact that many successful, attractive, middle-aged family men launder money and juggle criminal activities, it’s still jarring to witness, which tells us something about how image informs our understanding of reality. Socially privileged, white-collar criminals simply have more control over how they’re portrayed than an inner-city gang, or impoverished teenagers. However, unlike Walt, Marty’s criminal activities are not any kind of middle-aged catharsis: they’re a way of life, firmly ingrained in the corporate landscape. They were present long before he arrived on the scene, and he knows it. He just has to navigate them.

Just like our shining, messianic heroes can teach us about truth, justice, and the American way, so too does each antihero have something to teach us: they teach us that society doesn’t reward those who follow its instructions, nor does it often provide an avenue of morality. Even if you live a life devoid of apparent sin, every privilege is paid for by someone else’s sacrifice. But the best antiheroes are not beacons of nihilism – they show us the beauty that can emerge from even the ugliest of situations. Peaky Blinders is, at its core, a love story between Tommy Shelby and the family he crawled out of his grave for, just as Breaking Bad is ultimately a deeply dysfunctional tale of a father figure and son. Ozark, like its predecessors, is about family – the only authenticity in a society that operates on deception, illusion, and corruption. They teach us that even in the worst times and situations, love can compel us, redeem us, bind us closer together. Only then can we face the dragons of life, and feel just a bit more heroic.

Other examples:

Don Draper from Mad Men. A similarly Shakespearian figure for the modern era, Don is a man who appears to have everything – perfect looks, a beautiful wife and children, a prestigious job. He could have stepped out of an ad for the American Dream. And yet, he feels disconnected from his life, isolated from others by the very societal rules he, as a member of the ad agency, helps to propagate. It helps that he’s literally leading a borrowed life, inherited from the stolen identity of his deceased fellow soldier, and was actually an impoverished, illegitimate farmboy whose childhood abuse permanently damaged his ability to form relationships. The Hopper-esque alienation evoked by the world of Mad Men really deserves an essay all it’s own, and his wife Betty – whose Stepford-level mask of cheerful subservience hides seething unhappiness and unfulfilled potential – is a particularly intriguing figure to explore. Maybe in my next essay, on the importance of the antiheroine.

#my writing tips #writing tips #tommy shelby #peaky blinders #walter white #breaking bad #jesse pinkman #bojack horseman #don draper #writing advice #antihero #the types of antiheroes #long post for ts

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yusei-clownington · 3 years

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SO I FINALLY FINISHED 5D’S! And what better way to celebrate than to go through my favorite characters as…briefly as I can

Slight spoilers I suppose?

Let’s work it up from 10 to 1

10- Jack

Was gonna go with lucchiano but who am I kidding Jack’s great. He’s a drama queen with an even more dramatic wardrobe. Never afraid to express himself and just bluntly blurt out what he thought.

His obsession with Cup ramen is on another level but what can I say? Love is love, Jack x cup ramen for life *wipes tears*

But seriously speaking he’s great. His very first line was enough proof of that. He just… apologized for being late then declared “I AM KING” like the…king he is.

My favorite Rival character still remains Manjoume… and… Yeah I still prefer Kaiba over Jack but damn was he a good rival.

Like he has to be the only Rival so far with an actual past with the Main character, no? That was pretty interesting because usually, the protagonist meets the rival somewhere during the first season and we go off from there. But here we had to go through their backstory to know what their relationship was fully like. Nice touch.

9- Aki

Hands down my favorite female protagonist so far. I adore Anzu and feel neutral enough about Asuka but Aki? NAH MAN AKI’S AMAZING. I think 5D’s just does the best job with its female characters. Like it actually gives them big enough roles. I loved how Aki got her own episodes…be it the D-wheel ones or just… fillers.

Her crush on Yusei was justified, at least it seems so to me, and honestly never got obnoxious. Sure she had a moment here and there but it was honestly never a bad thing. Hell faith shipping in general isn’t exactly a bad Idea.

Speaking of shipping, is anyone going to talk about her little frienshipmaybemore moments with Crow? No? Ok…

But anyway, overall, SHE’S AMAZING AND I LOVE HER. There was more to her than some boring pining love interest and it shows with each episode. So when people say she has a great personality, they’re actually talking about her personality. AKI RULES

8- Mikage

Would’ve been way WAY higher on the list if the thing with Jack was thrown out the widow.

That being said I think she’s the more mature of the Jack-crazy trio. Like sure she was just as into him as the other two, but in some scenes she was a lot more tolerable.

But that honestly might just be my bias towards this amazing woman speaking.

She’s devoted to her work, gentle, caring, gorgeous and just all around a wonderful character to see.

I loved most of her scenes in the series, and the fact that there was more to her than just the jack part. She actually had an important part to play in many episodes and honestly proved herself to be a very fun character. I just wish they gave a her little more screentime than what she got.

A lot of lost potential there- I mean come on.

7- Rua /Lua

He reminds me of Judai WAY too much. LIKE WAAAAY too much not to be on this list. The guy’s adorable. And I love how they made him the emotional one. Like they could’ve gone with the “the boy is always rowdy and tOUGH” stereotype, but they didn’t. Sure, ruka (who I don’t like as much) was much more gentle, but it was much easier to see Rua cry than it was to see her do so. It’s just fun is all.

I also adore his deck and that little theme that played whenever he dueled… Plus his relationship with Jack and Yusei…GOLD GOLD.

6- Ushio

I made a whole post about Him, You think he wouldn’t be in my Top 10? Well think again. Great development would see through again.

5- Sherry Leblanc

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SHERRY.

What you just witnessed in the line above is my internal reaction to literally any scene this beautiful badass woman happens to be in.

She’s just amazing. She has this really… tough energy IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT BUT SHE’S A REALLY INTIMIDATING WOMAN. But not in a bad way, oh nonononono in a REALLY REALLY GOOD WAY OKAY.

Her character arcs and episodes somehow felt…really separate from the whole team 5D’s shenanigans even though they were basically connected…

Like she had her own motivation that didn’t particularly rely on bonds, but was still willing to accept and even form a bond with the whole team.

Revenge is kinda hot ngl.

Okay no it’s not. But seeing a vengeful character that WASN’T played off as evil or particularly wrong amidst a bunch of friendship is magic ones was pretty refreshing.

The moment she took her helmet off when dueling yusei I was HOOKED and so was Aki but shhhhhh.

But damn I love what they did with her at the end, Rushed as it may have been. It took her joining with Z-one briefly and dueling Aki and Crow ( a very underrated duo btw) to realize that maybe thinking of the past and only the past was not a very good idea.

Anyway love her. And her duels are always a delight to watch.

4- Placido

Before he showed up, sherry was supposed to be 4th but here we are. Placido Placido Placido. I want to make it clear that…I really couldn’t care less about Aporia as a whole. But Placido and Lucchiano were pretty fun characters.

Now I finally get to talk about my beloved.

This dude was…the biggest mood. EVER.

He would hang up in that third one’s face like it was nothing and constantly ignore his boring ass. Oh. You have a plan? Ok. I don’t care. It’s boring. I’m placido and I’ll do what I want. Kiss my D-wheel ass.

He has a lot of hilariously sassy lines, which include and I quote:

“I don’t know what god wants you to do.”

“But I won’t accept it!”

The guy just does not care and I’m living for it.

Not to mention his bee analogies which- Why have I not seen anyone point out????? BEE ANALOGIES COME ONNNNNNNN

aNYWAY PLACIDO’S GREAT

3- Kiryuu

Edgy dude with pretty hair. Also gay. Also the crash town arc. Need I say more?

I will anyway.

Honestly dark signer Kiryuu was pretty fun to me with all the crazy laughter and stuff…

Then past/ flashbacks Kiryuu was just as interesting but in a completely different way. Sure he didn’t get as many episodes or screentime as the rest, but what I saw of him was more than enough for me to care about the Character. Like unlike the old satellite gang (Rally and the other two whose names I can’t even remember) I actually gave a shit about this guy when bad stuff happened to him.

Not to mention his growth. Like…He went through reverse/ negative development, then uphill by the end of the signers’ ark with all the…dying in your hands gayly stuff, then downhill again by the beginning of the crosstown arc….aaaaand back up and higher than ever by the end of it. Basically the fact that his development wasn’t always constant just added some spice.

Plus his dynamic with his ex-teammates…team….satisfaction (Try saying that with a straight face) was always pretty entertaining, especially his with Yusei.

Speaking of which...

2- Yusei

With all my talk about him…and…my profile picture…and URL, it may come as a surprise that he’s not number 1 here, but honestly it’s so close you could call it a tie.

As for why I love him….Have you- Have you seen my blog????? Do I even..need to say anything????

1- Crow

Now there’s a lot I have to say about Crow honestly hE’S JUST THAT COOL, but I’m saving it to talk about later still. All I’ll say for now is this:

Flashy guy with an amazing sense of style, an earring and an incredible amount of cockiness and charisma. What’s not to like?

#AH MAN THIS WAS A RIDE #BUT IT'S TIME TO START ZEXAL NOW #...First impressions soon I GUESS?#Still putting off the crow thing because I KNOW I'll literally NEED to write about him I just do #Jack atlas #Izayoi Aki #Mikage sagiri #Rua #sherry leblanc #Placido 5D's #Placido #kyosuke kiryu #Yusei fudo #Crow hogan #Ygo #Yugioh 5D's #haven't been That active anywhere for a few days because of personal stuff but HERE I AM

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project-paranoia · 3 years

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Live Watch: S.C.I. Mystery Episode One

I enjoy camp because I've always enjoyed analysis and examination. I enjoy looking at something from all sides, testing it with my fingertips. When I was a child I would sit for hours just looking at something until I had it all held in my mind and I felt like I understood it. Camp necessitates that understanding the way that imitation and - good - parody requires it. To quote Susan Sontag - who articulated what camp is so well - Camp is "a sensibility that revels in artifice, stylisation, theatricalisation, irony, playfulness, and exaggeration rather than content." Because of this camp takes on head to head gender, sexuality, expectations, any sort of defined norm and sequins it up then shakes it down until understanding comes out. When understanding something there are three major ways to work your investigation - what it is, what it's imitation is - the close but not quite, and what it isn't. Camp handles all three, to quote again: "Camp sees everything in quotation marks. It's not a lamp, but a 'lamp; not a woman, but a 'woman.'"

Why are we talking about camp? Because SCI Mystery is some of the best kind of camp outside of drag or screaming about wire hangers. It deals a lot with mental illness in a way that would destroy a serious show, but in this one "mental illness" is a metaphor for being marginalised and a way to talk about the mouse and cat in the room. This show is about being queer. About being gay loudly and quietly, about resisting specific labels and needing them, about the threat of a cure and the blessing of acceptance. All the messy realities of queer life as varied as queer people. Like Lil Nas X's Montero, you can appreciate the effort without being comfortable with it. While the show's allegory of mental illness when many queer people are still told they are ill is done well and there is reason to the choices and tone, things are said which can be hard to hear. Knowing they're there because they're hard to hear and have been heard doesn't help everyone.

With all that said, it's also a fun, silly bl drama. Don't let the analysis scare you off. While the information about camp can be something to be aware of, all this show requires to be enjoyed is a willingness to be amused and spooked in turns.

You know the drill, spoilers below!

* I have memorised the youku sound, I have a triggered response with it. Not all triggers are bad, this one reminds me of Guardian

* Welcome to episode one where we just leap in! But don't worry, one of them has a cute earring and they are colour coordinated.

* Watching from youtube the episode is 38 minutes long while most of the others are 45. Attach whatever emotion you want to that fact.

* The exposition is handily delivered by asking a question which tells us some things, thank you show, I appreciate it

* First episode and he's already giving his partner an in case I don't come back letter to be opened if he dies

* Wait for me!~ Go!~~

* Slow walk with dramatic music: 1 (don't make this a drinking game You Will Expire) this time with bonus almost looking back

* I've seen a similar shot on Hawaii Five O

* Don't explain what's happening, just knock everything over with a jump kick in some absolutely spotless white tennies

* Running with dramatic music with bonus looking back: Does it count? We have yet to hear back from the judges

* They leap into the water with an explosion behind them, we are less than 2 minutes in and I love that for them

* At first I thought the boats were making a big heart before I remembered that I am very silly and they are not doing that

* This one is going to be long

* I can see his pockets through his trousers, why are his trousers so thin?

* It's not kissing to dramatic music in the surf if it's CPR

* Each story line has its own intro and that's very sexy of them

* Slow walk/dramatic music: 2-6

* These people are totally goofy and and yet the Seriousness

* Two Weeks Ago!

* The police school bus has arrived to shoo away the crows circling around Dr. Zhan staring (dramatically) at the body

* Sport scar policeman dresses even more unprofessionally than Zhao Yunlan who at least looks like a detective who was jumped by so many criminals he just gave up wearing a suit and went for jeans. Chief Bai's clothes are so thin, I'm under constant anxiety someone is going to tear them off.

* Also several of the cast pictures on MyDramaList look like the pictures your auntie insists taking to send to your other aunties and I love that for them

* Triple axil spin from the victim, the judges are loving it - this is the camp I'm here for

* The dramatic slo mo and music budget for this show was so big, just as it should be

* He's mad because he's angy

* Master Psychiatrist can tell all about the killer from crouching by the body, it's a trope and this is one of the few places I like it because it serves the show instead of the show serving it

* When you're almost boyfriend is going away for reasons and it's not your decision but you can't go with him because of your job so you're just low key bitter about it

* "You can't control me"

* The pettiness between these two

* Professional women who worked hard to get where they are still are constantly obsessed with boys according to most cdramas

*The male posturing in those three second has accidentally circled back around to being gay in the way those bro shows accidentally do and I love that

* I live for this 80s-90s police chief perm

* The Pettiness

* I always tend to like doctor characters, I don't know why. Even when they aren't my favourites I like them.

* She's kind of adorable, I like her (I've seen a lot of this show and every time I say I like someone it ends badly ;-; )

* "the victems"

* If you love Creative English, this is the show for you!

* Chief Bai's crew is trying so hard to get them back together

* Dr. Zhan is so good at psychology he can tell what someone looks like from some tire tracks - this trope is used all the time in crime shows, but they push it a little farther in SCI and it really helps the viewer know what the rules for the show are

* The scene in the psychiatrist's office hearkens back to queer coded villains and the way they're treated in old black and white horror cinema - but done so artfully it's almost invisible. It's incredibly well done, and the awareness of tropes and types all throughout the series is tremendously successful as much as it's campy fun.

* There's also the trope of someone who manipulates someone into feeling like they've been "purified" and then weaponises them against the "filthy". And of course the fact that the killer's blade is a mirror - that he's killing in others what he sees in himself. This trope hasn't just been queer-coded but has been applied to any sort of physical or mental disorder. Thesis have been written about this trope and the anxiety attached to it. I can't write them better and this is long enough, it's just a small part of the excellent handling of the themes showing up in this genre and I wanted to point it out because it deserves appreciation for the skill and knowledge in the writing.

* The whole you need evidence vs you're saying psychoanalysis isn't trustworthy feels very much like a coded angry exes discussion

* I love the establishing shots, so good

* He kind of deserved that door to the face, what was he even doing

* Police violence in crime shows is supposed to be a release for the viewer, but many countries have issues with police violence so it hits wrong. Here it's far more performative in a way that at least has some awareness

* The weirdest phone call, you call someone to tell them something important and they say two things to you and hang up

* The tongue thing, why always the tongue thing?

* When a serial killer tries to compliment you by calling you a carnivore and you shut down the whole alpha male supposition by calling yourself a vegetarian

* At this point I've written almost fifteen hundred words and taken almost two hours to watch 23 minutes

* This is my life, these are my choices

* Dutch Angles

* You could make this conversation about being gay, I have had this conversation about homosexuality before

* Unfortunately while I had it I was on the bus trapped in a window seat

* The conversation didn't end with me saying something cool and everyone clapping

* They just got off the bus to go to work

* The banality of evil, yo

* Her shorts are Incredibly Short, good for her

* "arrest the perp behind my back" that's his job, broheim

* He doesn't ask why she checked behind their ears

* DUN dun dun!

* Slo mo file drop, and of course the file is blood stained and aged

* Chalk Art of Doom

* Chinese word play!

* Caught almost putting his coat over his crush, embarrassing XD

* Backstory!

* I love all the little character details, I could quote lines I think are funny all day but that would start getting silly

* Bai Yu Tong is marked as clean and having OCD but we don't see what's apparently a huge character trait at all other than the all white, do love that he's good at cooking

* Dr. Zhan: Brilliant! Genius! Cannot feed himself.

* Dr. Gong has indifference level 100% which is true and also I love that for him

* I love that Wang Shao part of the team because he's good at making friends, I love that for him

* Poor Zhao Fu: scared of ghosts and dumb and sweet? At least he has an 8 pack

* Jiang Lin is very tropey except the mention of her nearsightedness

* Ma Han's height 1.7m and legs 1.8m is hilarious and I love it

* I stopped recording the slo mo walks, but if you were drinking along with them you might be dead so I really appreciate you taking time out of your afterlife to continue reading. We appreciate all our ghost readers

* And that's the first episode! Thanks for making it to the end!

#SCI Mystery #SCI谜案集 #watchthrough #let's watch

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therachelperspective · 3 years

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FILM | Little Women (2019, dir. Greta Gerwig) I remember fondly my years as a kid when I used to read the Great Illustrated Classics version of Little Women. I can’t recall exactly how I felt about the story while reading that abridged version, but I do remember picking it up repeatedly. Maybe it’s because it has been a revered classic for decades and my young mind was just trying to enjoy it at that same level. Regardless, having finally viewed a Little Women film – this one by Greta Gerwig – for the first time, my interest in the tale has been renewed. Maybe it’s high time for me to read the novel again. The true, full version as it was intended. (I have a project in mind for this; details to come).

This film, while I have nothing to compare it to, felt incredibly well done; a product of its time. Where the other renditions seemed stuck in their respective years when made, old and aged from years passed, this version seems much more... timeless. The actors involved, especially that of the four sisters, seemed far too perfect for their roles. (Although I still struggle to see Emma Watson as anyone other than Hermione Granger). Combined, these four ladies portrayed sisterhood in such a believable way, more than I think I’ve ever seen in some time. The mannerisms acted so naturally between them, the embodiment of each sister captured so perfectly by Emma, Saoirse Ronan, Florence Pugh, and Eliza Scanlen. Even the supporting actors were quite expertly chosen in Timothée Chalamet, Laura Dern, as well as Meryl Streep starring as Aunt March in the limited screen time she had (but really, who dares speak ill of Meryl Streep? Not me).

What I think I missed most when I read the novel (possibly because the book didn’t include it at all or because I was too young to register any symbolism) was the air of feminism and the power of women found in a handful of scenes within Gerwig’s Little Women. The most foremost in my mind is, of course, the speech given by Amy to Theodore “Laurie” Laurence about a woman’s economic standing, how women of that time period were quite powerless and their pursuits for marriage were really all they had to bargain with. As Amy reminds audiences, women really had no way to earn money at the time, not enough to make a living and definitely not to support a family. And when a woman of that time period married, her money, belongings, and even the children produced immediately became the property of her husband. While not nearly as drastic as the years surrounding the Civil War, I dare say that today’s times have not done much to change this disparity. That is to say, some of what Little Women touched on in material is still entirely relevant. Women still seem to earn less than men professionally; some men, despite the progression in a metaphorical handful of them, still believe they own and can demand women for their bidding. I know that is a generalization and not meant to disregard the good apples that can be found in the orchard of the male sex, but these ideals can be seen as recent as the 1950s, if not later, which is a whole 100 years after Little Women takes place (set in the 1860s). I can say, from personal experience, that not much has changed since these times. Marriage may not be as extremely pursued as it was back then, but women of the 21st century still bear the ever-constant question of “So when are you getting married?” (and even “When are you having kids?”) as though it is still the only significant thing we have or should ever strive for. As with each March sister to which this topic is relevant, today it is also merely a matter of how we’d pursue it. By way of Meg, in becoming a debutante, or by way of Jo, in avoiding it with vigor.

And really, to discuss Little Women without mention of Jo would just be wrong. Her character is written (at least for this film) quite magnificently, but I believe the energy brought forth by Saoirse Ronan really made this rendition shine even more. While I again would need to reread the source material in order to truly make comments about it, the way her loneliness was approached, despite her fierce independence, was something that hit me deeply as I watched. Because it was something I personally have also experienced this before in my life. I dare(d) to reject certain societal norms, yet still always felt the yearning for deep companionship and love as strongly as Jo did.

With such exquisite acting and storytelling, Greta Gerwig’s Little Women was also wonderfully filmed. Aesthetically beautiful, the littlest things that provide such fantastic details to the overall story (i.e. Jo and Laurie wearing each other’s clothing to show just how close their relationship was); it reminds me of the same joy I feel when watching the 2005 version (aka the pretty version, let’s be real) of Pride and Prejudice. As such, I would very much like to partake in viewing more of Greta Gerwig’s work after seeing this film.

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ynsrg · 3 years

Text

PRETENDING

CHAPTER 4

She closes the door behind them with slightly shaking hands. Excellent acting, Catherine. The audience will really believe that Emma is crazy about Ryan.

She turns to face Bo – Ryan – and he’s close to her, almost touching her, hunger written all over his face. Excellent acting, Bo. The audience will really believe that Ryan is crazy about Emma.

“You want a drink, Ryan?”

It’s a bit mental how easy she finds it to do a convincing American accent these days. She struggled with it for ages.

“Sure,” he breathes, and she swallows hard as she looks up at him for a moment, with dark eyes that are getting darker. She has this urge to place her hand on his chest, so she does, just for a second.

His pupils dilate when she does that, and that’s not something you can act.

If she left her hand there for longer, would she feel his heartbeat? Would it be racing as fast as hers is?

She reminds herself that they need to move this along, so she removes her hand and – somewhat reluctantly – takes a step back. “Coming right up,” she nods stiffly, working in the character’s social anxiety.

Pretty easy for you to do a convincing job of that, eh Cath?

She slips past him and walks ahead, knowing that the camera will be focusing on the dress – or lack of – at her back. She sways her hips a little, and chances a glance over her shoulder.

His eyes are fixed on her arse, and he doesn’t even notice her looking.

She snaps her head forward again, trying to calm herself down. The knot in her stomach that’s been a constant for her over the past few days has turned into a dull, hot ache which now sits low – far too low – in her abdomen.

No, no, no. This isn’t happening. You are an actor, you are a professional, you are not getting wet.

She walks into the ‘lounge’, to her spot, reaches for two glasses and picks up the bottle of ‘alcohol’, unscrewing the cap with trembling fingers, pulse thumping in her ears because she knows what’s about to happen.

A brush of long fingers against her lower back. She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and tries not to whimper. Then that same hand, flat against her skin, and moving to her side – her waist – slipping under the smooth material as his other hand moves to her opposite side, her hip, and pulls her back into his body.

Her eyes flutter closed, for just a second, and she lets out a shaky breath.

“Forget the drink, Emma,” comes his voice, low and hoarse in her ear, lips brushing against her skin.

She wonders how far he had to bend down to do that. She can’t see what he’s doing because he’s holding her firmly in place.

She likes that, a lot.

Anyway. Acting. Script.

“Ryan,” she breathes ‘his name’ like it’s a prayer, doing everything she can not to say ‘Robert’ by accident.

His hand pulls at the clip holding her hair in place, and it tumbles down to her shoulders in waves.

“So fucking pretty,” he murmurs, and it sends a bolt of electricity straight to her cunt. She allows a small moan to pass her lips, and his fingers dig into her hip by way of response.

Acting. Script.

Catherine turns her head to meet his lips, which brush against hers tentatively at first. She raises her right hand up and slightly behind her, to tangle in his impossibly soft hair and pull him closer. When his tongue seeks access with a small swipe across her bottom lip, she melts into it with a sigh.

Jesus fucking Christ, mother of God and all that is Holy, may the Lord strike her lapsed Catholic arse down, he’s an incredible kisser.

He removes his hand from her hip, her cue to turn around to face him, which she does with enthusiasm that isn’t coming from acting. She snakes her arms around his neck and her nails lightly scratch at his scalp, just above the nape of his neck. He moans into her mouth as his hands trail down her back to sit just above her pert, round arse – one of her better features, she has to admit, and it seems like Bo might agree – and when she nibbles at his bottom lip, that moan turns into a growl and then both of his hands are cupping it.

“Fuck,” she exhales shakily against his lips, and that wasn’t in the script. She feels him smirk against her. Oh dear.

It’s far, far too easy to let herself be backed up against the wall by him. Her back meets the cool plaster with a thud as his lips move to her neck, fairly chaste kisses at first but rapidly becoming open-mouthed, hot and wet, with the occasional scrape of teeth. Her small fingers work, numbly, at the buttons on his shirt as his hands slip the straps of her dress down her shoulders and his lips move down to the skin that’s been revealed. She dimly remembers that she’s not wearing a bra. She doesn’t care.

The heat between her thighs is really becoming quite problematic for her at this point, and when she writhes against him, pinned in place by his torso with their lower bodies frustratingly separated out of shot, it works well for the scene but she’s beginning to forget that she’s supposed to be someone else.

Please, Bo.

“Please, Ryan,” she pants, as his thumb grazes her hardened nipple through her dress, and she swears she sees stars for a second.

He captures her mouth again in a searing kiss, before pulling away just a little to murmur against her wet, swollen lips. “Please what, Emma?”

Not in the script, not in the script, not in the script.

She’s never seen his eyes so dark, pupils blown like saucers, and the lace of her underwear is hot and damp against her aching pussy. “Don’t make me beg,” she whispers breathlessly, looking him dead in the eye.

Decidedly, definitely not in the script.

There’s no cameras anymore, only them. He pauses for just a second, breathing heavily, searching her face for any sign of hesitation and finding nothing. He trails his hands down her sides again, over her arse, to her upper thighs, and she wriggles against him with a wanton moan. “Someone’s eager,” he chuckles darkly as she slips her hands under his shirt, and she should be embarrassed – they both should be – but it doesn’t come.

“Please,” she whimpers again, and something inside him snaps.

He stoops, just a little, his large hands slipping under her thighs to hoist her, and her legs fall open instinctively to allow his body – his whole body – to settle in between them.

His hips pin her to the wall, and she feels him hot and hard and fucking big, pressed right against her swollen clit. She pushes herself against him and his fingers dig into her so hard she’s sure they’ll leave bruises.

She certainly hopes so.

“Emma,” he pants against her lips, “baby,” she shudders when he calls her – Emma – that, “how can I give you what you need, if you won’t tell me what you need?”

Guess yous are just giving up on the lines altogether.

She whimpers and drags her nails down his back under his shirt, something the cameras won’t see, just between them. “Ryan,” she gasps, her head falling back against the wall as he shifts his hips against her, subtly – just a little friction and she’s horrified by how close she is to coming, just from this. “Ryan,” she repeats, “please fuck me.”

He groans against her skin, and she isn’t entirely sure but she thinks she feels his cock twitch against her through his jeans. She wants more than anything to get her hands, mouth, cunt around it, and she’s beginning to wonder if this is all some sort of fever dream because no man has ever had this effect on her.

“Bed,” he mumbles against her, and she takes the cue to tighten her legs around his waist, a distant part of her brain reminding her that this’ll be over soon and boy oh boy, things are about to get awkward between them.

But she pushes the thoughts away as he carries her – with ease, and surprising grace – down the little corridor and into Emma’s bedroom, and then they fall onto the bed. Her legs are still wrapped around him as he decides to be bold and slips his hand into her dress to cup her breast without any material barrier.

“Sorry,” he whispers in her ear, quiet enough to evade the microphones, but the fact that he follows that up with a nip at her earlobe and a jerk of his hips renders his ‘apology’ a little hollow.

“Liar,” she whispers back, head turned away from the cameras, tightening her legs again, pulling him hard against her and she’s glad that this isn’t a full sex scene because she wouldn’t trust herself not to slip his dick inside her while they were ‘acting’ under the covers.

Her face flushes with arousal as that particular thought worms its way into her brain, and as if he can read her mind, she feels him grinning against her neck. “Don’t tempt me,” he murmurs, his breath hot and wet against her skin, and it almost tips her over the edge.

“Alright, guys, we can cut there,” comes Em’s voice, and the two of them freeze immediately.

Fuck.

Catherine’s arms fall to her side as she shakily unwraps her legs from around his waist, allowing him to roll off her before they both push themselves up to sit on the opposite sides of ‘her’ bed, legs hanging off the the edges with their backs to each other.

Catherine pushes the straps of her dress back up to her shoulders, and runs a hand through her hair, trying to make herself look a little less… 30 seconds away from an orgasm. She has a little glance over her shoulder, and Bo is buttoning his shirt back up.

And presumably willing his raging boner out of existence.

The corner of Catherine’s mouth twitches as she just about fends off the smirk that threatens to spread across her face.

“Jesus, you two,” Em huffs out a laugh as the crew shuffle around them, fiddling with cameras and cables and lights. “That was an easy sell alright.”

Catherine’s face is burning. “Sorry for the, uh… improv.”

Em raises her eyebrows but doesn’t say anything, which makes Catherine blush even harder.

Bo clears his throat behind her, getting to his feet only a little uncertainly. “I’m just, ah… gonna go grab a coffee. I’ll be back for the run-through.”

Em wags her finger. “No need, we’re done for the day.”

The two of them snap their heads to the director and utter ‘what?’ in unison.

Em’s eyes are glowing with mirth. “I need to take Clem to the vets. Ear infection.”

Catherine narrows her eyes at her boss and Bo makes a cute little grumbling sound. “Right,” Catherine drawls.

Em smiles at them innocently, completely unphased. “Maybe you two can grab a coffee together?”

“Maybe,” Bo growls, and Catherine chews the inside of her cheek.

“And take the day off tomorrow,” Em squeezes Catherine’s shoulder, “I want you both to have a nice rest.”

If looks could kill, Em would be dead and Catherine would be a murderer.

“Okay, thanks,” Catherine forces the word out from behind gritted teeth.

“Great!” Em claps her hands together. “Well then, I’d better get going.”

“Uh-huh,” Bo grouses from beside Catherine, and Catherine whacks his arm lightly to say be nice. Em catches that, of course, and smirks.

“See you Thursday, Em,” Catherine tries to make her voice sound light and airy, but it comes out sounding quite weird.

“See you Thursday, hon,” she grins. “Behave yourselves.”

Catherine gives Em a death stare which melts into a fond smile, because despite the current situation, she does quite like and respect her. As Em gives them an exaggerated wave before she walks away from them, Catherine notices Bo shifting his weight awkwardly besides her.

“I’d better, uh…” he trails off, refusing to look at her.

Yep. Awkward, and faster than expected. Great stuff.

“Oh, yeah,” Catherine nods, trying to ignore the screaming inside her head. “Me too.”

He nods stiffly. “See you Thursday, Catherine.”

She nods stiffly right back at him. “See you Thursday, Robert.”

They hold each other’s gaze for a split second longer than necessary, and there’s a ghost of a smile on his lips.

As she begins to walk away, he calls after her.

“Really nice dress.”

And there’s still crew around when she turns to face him, walking backwards, a genuine shit-eating grin on her face. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Even from a distance, she doesn’t miss the look in his eyes. It’s the same way he looked at her when he had her pinned to the wall with his hips.

As she walks out of the set into the late afternoon sun, in the same dress, in the same soiled panties, eyeliner a little smudged, body on fire, she pulls out her iPhone and begins to type.

I’ll be in Accomplice, if you’d like a drink.

#bo burnham fic #bo burnham smut

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