#its just not worth it to go if theres nothing there for me :(
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Bit ooc but I have a question. How you do go about planing out your PLA comic? Like how do you actually turn your ideas/ storyline into comic form? Is it chapter to chapter or do you have the whole idea already planned out? Trying to find my own way in comic making so I’m just wondering if you could give any advice. Feel free to ignore if you don’t feel comfortable answering
So, at first this was al i could think to send.
because its incredibly accurate to my process.
Jokes aside, a lot of how i work is back and forth chaos, fighting with ideas until im happy with them. I will start with a list (usually not written down because im unhinged and keep a ot of it in my brain) and organise it in a way that makes sense to the situation, in this case workign with a game with an established plot...not that its a very strong one.
with a set of ideas, and a game to work around i will ramble and rant to a few choice people who i bounce well off, and also stare into space for hours on end building the ideas. This process can be days, it can be years. For context, i have some notes from 2019 about things i wanted to include that are still relevant. I have been scheming how to break and rebuild this OC for ages. Theres no correct time frame, so long as you simply do the work.
Once i have a fairly loose plan, i start to solidify the benning and the end. What is required to make a character compelling, what makes them believable, what makes them human in a way that we recognise. this isnt always a positive thing, people like to call characters who do bad things problematic, but its human nature to make mistakes and be damaged or difficult, the process of the story is not always rainbows and sunshine. For me, this hits even harder, as im trying to tell a story from the perspective of someone fundamentally broken, so showing those breaks and cracks has to be done wisely.
This is the point where i make notes about things that need to change from the start to the end. And ill say one thing, this story in particular, I have not solidly planned the middle. I am allowing space for me to come up with new ideas at points. Being locked into a dead set of ideas can be quite limiting, and as creators we consume and process things constantly to generate new stories. Id be a fool to make a plan and stick to it. everything i do is vague guidelines.
However, I know exactly how the story ends in Hisui, and where it goes to from there. And i think me personally knowing the end goal makes it easier to plot steps towards that, and some of those steps are anything but progressive.
If nothing else, the end was the only thing i saw clearly, and it has only become more complex and loaded and emotional as the rest of this has fallen into place. If you can see the goal, you can work out how to get there with time.
Regarding the chapters, i tend to draft plan up like 3-4 of them at a time, and then go in order to sketch out one after the other, so i have plenty of time to change things while i adjust. its constantly a process of seeing what you make, seeing issues, and scrapping whole parts just to redraw something better or new, unique even. I dont think a single page ive posted has resembled the very VERY first draft thumbnail ive made, and thats just how i do. Every panel, how big they are, the angle you hand the viewer, the way you light things, the expressions, this all dictates SO SO much.
Taking time over it is kind of the job, and let me stress, this is normally a job done by a team, especially the highly popular comics. one inks, one colours, one shades, one handles text, one edits, theres so many people behind it, so dont be bothered by the pace at which things are made if youre working alone like i am. One person means longer production times, if you can, spread the workload out, but its not required. Its why i always say it doesnt matter how long it takes to make, so long as youre still making.
I think its also worth noting, comics are consumed quickly, the bakcgournds and small details can be lost in the ace of the storytelling, pick and choosing your battles is wise, save your time on panels where you want the reader to shift along quicker, keep that pace high, and add in more detail and depth to panels you want to champion or get the viewers to hang around on more. its ok to let go of a "perfect" image in favour of getting content out, if youre being driven nuts by it. Again, time be damned, be happy with it. And if you can let go of petty details, id suggest doing it when possible, so long as it doesnt effect the storytelling.
I mean what else can i even say. This work is a passion project, I love it, more than i can even put into words, and i think you kind of have to, to make comics without monetary motivation. sure you can get lucky and find ways to make it big, but for most of us, its the love of the story. So maybe try not to be your biggest hater, its easy to slip into the behaviour, so try be gentle on yourself and the process. I should take that advice myself haha! but i really do mean it. This is HARD work, so be kind to yourself over it.
anyway, with a rough idea, a bunch of sketches, and time, they get inked and fussed over, i make a billion changes to layout and story, and eventually posting can happen but not after fighting with the monster that is creating. Idk what else i can say. This is not work for the feint of heart, but anyone can learn to do it.
Good luck, comic artists can always use it!
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Come back home when you have some sense
You can throw your life away just not at my expense
You’re not the son I raised
#jhariah#this one just rawrrfrrr#and then uh another line thats like ‘tell me did you raise a man?’#nice#im just listening to the new album to cope with nasty sickness and feeling out of it#god this album is really good it has every emotion in there like this song for example just the part where they scream the chorus its like#hnnnghhh#hm some other moments from the album im liking a lot uhhh i love re: concerns a lot#the part where hes like reading off the complaints and then the part where hes just screaming and its like BAM BAM BAM BAAAM#sasuke is so good and the bit at the end where its like ‘i just want you to know im so so...’#like hes gonna say sorry but cant seem to say the word for whatever reason and i know nothing about sasuke#but i has to imagine the fan girlies are eating gravel over that one lol it gets me#and theres just that like spooky echoing afterwards#the intro to fire4fun goes SOOOOOOOO hard i was losing my shit its awesome#the entirety of trust ceremony is giving me big feelings but specifically that part towards the end where its all quiet and you hear#its like whistling i think? like a marching band is coming in maybe#but it also kinda sounds like nature too and idk i like got a little bit um magical at that part cuz i was driving down a big hill#and it had been raining but there was a clearing in the clouds and the sun was bright and like at this particular hill#you can just see everything like the land stretches for miles theres trees hills the river farms all that shit#and idk with the extreme stress and depression ive been feeling its hard to have these moments where life seems worth it#and its hard to really feel anything anymore or to feel in the moment but idk i was just going down that hill seeing everything and it was#very majestic so yeah that song is definitely gonna have the same effect as pin eye for me#which i must mention pin eye again its still OOOOGHH very good it came at a pretty good time for me#yeah basically this album is uhhhh whats keeping me somewhat grounded rn i recommend 👍
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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not going to lie i do find it quite upsetting that so many ppl think that animals that arent immediately relatable to humans are completely incapable of thought or feeling. and thats the only thing that matters when it comes to animal rights arguments a lot of the time
#like the take of ohhhh Well this animal is smart and shows emotions!!! it might even be smarter than humans!!!#as if that matters literally at all#like the argument abt fish or hamsters or w/e being stupid (wrong) so it doesnt matterrrrr if they dont get cared for properly#as if its ever ok to mistreat animals.#in general the idea around smaller or less relatable animals being worth less is super frustrating#like if u post abt microwaving ur hamster when u were 6 everyones like ‘lmaoooo i did the same thing’#but if u posted that abt a dog….? The Gallows#we shouldnt have to care abt mistreatment of animals bc theyre cute or funny or smart#i just watched blackfish again and it annoyed me how much ppl were arguing abt the orcas being so smart and emotional etc#which is true. but thats just smth that makes their captivity harder. u jnow. like if they were simple and had simple needs it would still#be wrong if they werent met#its just such a huge issue bc of how hard the needs are to meet in captivity#same as like. bears and shit. you physically cannot give them enough territory to stop them going insane#ik theres ppl who believe All captivity is wrong#like my strpmum is one who believes nobody should own Any pet#which is. Imo a stupid argument and not at all sustainable. ppl need companions thats why weve had dogs and cats for thousnads of years#but also they are such successful pets bc their needs are so easy to meet!!!!!#its this misconception that fish or rodents are Easy Beginners pets… in reality they are 100x harder. but their lives are worth less to ppl#bc they dont show love the same way#well. anyways im not very good at expressing my thoughts abt serious stuff#but its smth that rlly upsets me#its frustrating too bc ppl either dgaf abt animals aside from Maybe the cute ones or r too extreme in advocating for the freedom of animals#like u can absolutely give indoor cats proper enrichment. its just slightly more effort#and its not as simple as just. emptyinb out the zoos. READ ABT KEIKO!!!!!#i feel its a very interesting topic. but ppl r very b/w on it#idk i feel the majority of ppl know so little abt animals its like. impossible to get thru#like ok cool u think zoos r bad bc the lions get saddddd. but u also think snakes and bugs and rodents are nothing but disease spreaders#and cant also have complex lives#Tsk. Whateevr
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WATER SEVEN BABYYYYY
Look at robin reacting when luffy says he wont give her up.... 🥺🥺
This is a joke right now but its actually a one piece tenet aldjsisjka
Usopp aksbaksjakqk the foreshadow is foreshadowing... Also Robin being happy with the crew after the Aokiji incident... Fuck!!!!
Sanji thinking robin just vanished or flew away and suddenly usopp is soaring thru the skies... imagine
AAAAARGGGGHHHH YOU CAN SEE THE GEARS TURNING
Zoro talking to merry..... only while he is alone of course
Why are nami and sanji matching ajdhakjsk look at the citrus sisters
Carpenter: maybe it was the government
Gov agent: I don't think so, also don't say that they are everywhere
LUFFY SUPPORTS WOMEN'S WRONGS!!!
Don't scream att chopper like that!!! Look at him... So small....
Imu tease???? (No) (Also I've changed websites again bc the translation is kinda off , I can't find a good quality b&w spanish translation and the colors scare me (i want the real manga experience))
GET HIM ICEBURG!!!!
I truly forgor if this is just a lie about her wanting to find the rio poneglyphs or genuine because she wants to die and will do it for them... because in skypiea she says she is not interested in the weapons so maybe if the gov pardons her but considering what she wants is illegal then idk abdjabjs this is such a dumb thing to forget... like thats important girl where did it go (reading this after remembering and it's kinda funny... i will make any sacrifice to kill myself (and keep you safe)... she goes HARD)
Little paulie and mozu and kiwi.... omg hello (the SBS says the twins wanted to be shipwrights too omg)
Franky's backstory is small but it does so much for me like it is so central to the themes... boats and people...
DID SOMEBODY ORDER MORE TRAGIC BROTHERS?
The fact that franky needs to learn this lesson to pass it on to robin.... do you understand how big this is.... also Tom does exactly as he says and takes responsibility for franky and what he has done... because he has done nothing wrong AND THAT'S HIS SON and he just punched spandam bc he wanta him to feel the pain franky feels... Tom is such a man..... proud of having built eater 7 up with the sea train.... goes out with a boom.... should we all kill ourselves....
I am crying again................... franky my god.... and the fucking frog!!! And of course franky can't stop Tom's hope for his island... of course he can't.... he hasnt learnt the lesson yet but this guy isn't over yet!! He has a life of being a pervert cyborg ahead!!! Iceburg following Tom's footsteps but franky not being able to do that bc of his guilt....
This is one of the coolest things chopper has done btw...
NAMII 😭😭😭
Robin damning the world for her crew when all she has ever done is damn her companions for her own sake.... how big is this...
I can't take this...... it's always nami in these positions... it happens AGAIN in Zou with Sanji... there is no way
The love letter gag is too good like damn that's so funny
AND IT'S NAMI GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN!!!! SHE LOVES ROBIN SO MUCH!!!!
#OOOH GRANDPA TEASE!!! he wanted to see luffy too?? omg and he owes garp a favor so he is going to kill him... alright then....#robin attacking FIRST and ZORO coming to her defense!!! CHEFS KISS!!! INCREDIBLE#my GOD!!! ROBIN WANTING TO LEAVE HER PAST BEHIND BC SHE TRULY HAS BEEN CHANGED BY THEM AAAAHHHH#this is so good... aokiji had to end crocodile and he still has a debt to someone (garp?) AND smoker told him stuff about luffy too#kokoro is such an mvp... be careful with the government agents she says.... hell yeah they should do that#the people in water 7 just giving advice to the pirates akdhaksjak sure go fix your boat but down there#robin laughing like ufufufu is so cute... also kalifa knowing everything bc she is literally a gov agent 💀 ICEBURG WAKE UP!!!#lucci pulling out the ship of theseus response akdhakaj conundrum solved everyone!!!#usopp is so heartbreaking already... beaten he goes to franky to get his money back knowing he will lose bc he wants to fix the merry... go#zoro cutting steel like its nothing... yeahhhhh also does luffy think the ship and usopp are like sanji and the baratie??#he wants to sacrifice himself for it but doesn't realize his life is the treasure and not the thing... luffy realizing this is not worth it#the fight was insane.... usopp feels useless and is enmeshed with the merry so he won't let it go and tells luffy does not care when he doe#so luffy gets mad at usopp for lying and not understanding what is going on and says he is not a carpenter (true but hurts) so he is nothin#god it is so bad... sanji breaking p the fight is so important AFTER zoro says to calm down and talk but they rile each other up...#THE DIALOGUE IS INSANE!!!! USOPP IN DENIAL AND LUFFY TAKES ALL OF HIS BAIT IT'S JUST SO AJDBAKSNSKN AND THE ONLY LIES ARE WHAT USOPP THINKS#ABOUT LUFFY!!!! BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND!! HE JUST FEELS!! HE SAW MERRY!! THE ONLY ONE!!!#luffy just laying on the hammock for hours... telling nami usopp wouldnt give up his life for an argument... then he only needs to fight...#is luffy fighting usopp just so he can de stress kind of??? like he is letting him get his punches in and then he will come back#once he thinks things through... like nami did... and what sanji ends up doing too... like just give him what he wants#luffy likes fighting friends even and this is the only fight he doesn't want.... the merry crying GOD!!!!#the impact dial... it hurts them both.... jesus.... luffy got two hits in but those were enough.... they are making nami cry SANJI KILL THE#everyone is crying but sanji and zoro akdjsks yeah luffy got him what he wanted... he can keep the ship but he can't beat him#and after all if strength is made by conviction luffy knows he is right and usopp is just in denial... so of course he would lose#franky reveal and Robin assassin reveal at the same time.... just remembered when usopp asked her specialty and robin said assassinations 😭#luffy nami adventures hell yeah.... and theres even more after the aqua laguna... LETSGOOOOO#goddamn you can see the thread of kuzan finding robin with the strawhats to then cp9 forcing her to act in water seven....#franky acting weird because he is worried about iceburg... i know it...#iceburg: its weird youre working for the government... but thats for the audience to worry about. not for me#pluton was built on water seven ✍️✍️✍️ also iceburg saying weapons are bad no matter who holds them... yeah franky would agree#reading one piece
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abt to say smthng deranged
but ive reverted to accepting my fate here especially since im really really lazy and stupid and just want to draw but the only sharp thing still poking at my sides is wanting to transition and how I know as soon as my birthday rolls around I'll wish I had done anything to get out and start that, while sobbing hysterically over how the years just keep passing me by in that regard. 14 years. 15 years. And many many more.
But at the same time its like. I wouldnt want to claw my way out solely to transition (which at this point would be the sole positive thing about leaving). Because whats the point. I want to be transitioned before I really look for or accept love, yes, but moving out and doing so wouldn't lead to that I dont think. Id be living the same life im living here, but Worse and more exhausting. So i also dont see the worth in fighting to do it.
I feel those 2 views are at odds, but, like, its never enough to do things just for myself even if I really need it. It always has to be in relation to someone else. There would not be a someone else so why bother. Im not finding love while I live here so it doesn't Really matter if i cant do it, but this wouldnt change if i left so why would I fight for it. Why be the true version of me if I have nobody to share Me with (especially considering it will ostracize me from most everyone else I love.) I dont know
#i feel this doesnt make sense but idk#its like how i would not have gotten a car at all if it wasnt for Someone i wanted to be able to drive around#if they visited#its the same here. i feel so incomplete without transition and my life cant begin without it#if anyone took interest in me now it would feel hollow until i was actually myself#but nobody is taking interest Now#and if i moved out solely to transition its not like changing locations would suddenly change anything.#so why bother. why do it. its going to be the same anyway#why make my life harder for no reason#why decorate a place you'll always have to leave why deep clean a home nobody will ever visit but You.#theres no point if its just You.#thsi also extends to a lot of things like how i want to paint but cant unless its for someone else#ill draw a billion characters Standing There for a friend before i do 1 for myself bc i dont see the point or Worth#delete later#it was a horrendous experience overall but id never been more motivated to do something than when i had a ''partner''...#nothing made me more willing to turn my entire life around. ill go back to school and study some miserable shit that#will make me rich so I can spend it on You and make You happy. i would not do this for myself.#im not doing anything for myself right now. no use in doing anything for that guy he doesnt deserve it
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aroace joy vs aroace loneliness fight
#im saying that as someone who IS aroace if this ends up in discourse territory somehow#sometimes i think it's some form of internalized arophobia and it probably is a little at least#but i just feel so wrong and lonely thinking about the future#because i love the idea of being in love (as one can tell) but i just don't love people like that#and aside from any other self worth and confidence issues involved in obtaining a partner it just seems unfair to them you know#that id never be able to love them in that way#before anyone says qpr i am WELL AWARE!!! but then we go back to the Other Issues#besides its so easy to find other aros online but irl nobody really understands#so its kinda hopeless#ive always wanted to get married and have kids of my own !!! like genuinely i love the idea of it#but i doubt id ever find someone who would like#want to be a secret 3rd thing with me and get platonically married and raise kids or smth#and then theres the whole thing about me probably not being a good parent or being able to even afford to have kids so like. GRGRRARARSRR#cant win#ive accepted the fact im gonna be alone but it doesn't make it any happier. it feels like theres something wrong with me you know#but on the other hand i love being aroace its such an integral part me??#and it makes me so happy to be apart of the community and to know its okay#that there are people who understand the Lack#and even in the specific ways i do!!!#so its like so. aughhghhghh#saying this feels like a betrayal because i know theres nothing wrong with not#finding love. i heavily criticize the idea that people need love in their life to be fulfilled.#i feel like im wrong on both ends. to want it AND not feel it#personal posts and stuff idk#cw vent#aethers rants#sorry to be a party pooper i think its getting a bit cloudy and its getting to me
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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isnt this so absurd and surreal??? i feel like im losing my mind. wdym a veto against……..saving lives?? its so unreal to me that there needs to be a voting in the first place. theres a literal massacre going on and youre telling me there needs to be a decision made to stop a whole genocide, to stop warcrimes in real time even though youre perfectly capable and have the power to put an end to this? and instead you support it, you fund it, you celebrate and applaud it, you willingly want more children to die than already have?? its insane. there is no justification no forgiving ever its so absurd and insane
#idk youre telling me theres like a dozen of people who decided arab peoples lives are worthless and will keep going until theyve killed all#and they get to just decide??? are we in medieval times are you legitimized by god?????#the global north profiting of war of oppression and murder the global north built on blood misusing power#nothing new#im sick im sick im sick its so absurd you dont get to decide which lives are worth saving you dont get to scapegoat entire people#living on earth is hell its literal hell#personal
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.
#'well you cant win em all.' okay but i would like to win at least one!! (not my quote i swear ive seen it on tumblr just cant find it)#like i would kill for just one win. i would pay a crisp $10 to anyone that could provide a single win for me#today was yet another fucking loss and that was all i had lined up. like theres nothing set up to possibly be a win in the future#ive got nothing there. so weve ended on a loss and thats all i have for the foreseeable future#i counted all the wins and losses in recent memory. ive got like 13+ losses and about 1 win#i tried to count up all of my wins but truly i managed like. one.#even some things that i didnt know could become losses! like did you know you can just be refused an adhd reassessment?#like you can say 'id like to pay $160 for you to fuck up a diagnosis again' and they can actually say#'youre not even worth the trouble to misdiagnose so go fuck yourself'#but they can! i didnt know that#and then you can have the audacity to tey to hope for something and think youll get it. like hope a little too hard#truly shouldve lesrned my lesson after twelve losses in a row not to get my hopes up#but i did! i made plans! i was gonna buy a cute water bottle specifically for that job. snd take myself out to dinner if i got it#can you guess what happened? when i had the audacity to hope and plan for a job that i was so passionate about and wanted so much?#(i didnt get it. the job ive been posting about. didnt get it)#didnt get the apartment in the city i love and miss either. didnt get an adhd reassessment (which is still wild to me)#and i tried to frame them as better in my head. 'this is a chance to tey a different job youd be better at! this is a chance to save money!'#nope its just another shitty thing in a long line of shitty things and im just getting tired of it. im so fucking tired of it#i am back where i vowed id never come back to and i cant escape in any way shape or fucking form#just needed to vent because saying all this in my head wasnt helping. saying it here doesnt help either but whatever
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yaaaaaaaaaay, another blood test 🙃
#this time im FOR SURE going to ask if i can lie down#im sick and tired of blacking out#ive been so potsy lately#if just walking to the bathroom makes me black out im sure getting blood drawn will as well#dont even feel like its worth it to get it tbh#i know what its gonna say#i got my blood tested back in april or w/e#june? idk#anyway my levels were “normal” then and i doubt theyre any less “normal” now#just gonna be another case of “theres nothing wrong with you! congrats!”#even tho i still have the symptoms i originally went to them for#whatever. maybe ill bleed out one day and then theyll believe theres smth wrong w me
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I agree with the general sentiment on this website that you should utilize your local library but what they don't tell you I sometimes your local library sucks ass
#weirdest collection ive ever seen#they dont have some pretty popular books but they do have... the sequels to those books?#like the first in the series isnt checked out its just straight up not in the catalog#and they also just dont have a lot of what i consider classic works of literature?#i get theyre not as popular but what kind of library doenst have those#its a huge building but the actual place for books is really small and pushed to the side to make room for random displays#i feel like they just buy whats popular at that moment and dump everything else which i guess makes sense#but it means they dont have a very solid foundation of books#idk it just sucks when you go to the library with a list of books and you get to check out 0 of those books#its just not worth it to go if theres nothing there for me :(
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -。꒱ྀི১
#i keep feeling so damn anxious and i cant calm it even if i try#i try mindfulness and distracting myself but im so restless and anxious and full of dread#i keep waiting for a message .. but everytime i check theres nothing and then my entire body ends up in pain T-T#(i do get all of this i get not replying i get it i get it but it still hurts ok?)#and then i get so sad and anxious again#bc obviously i cant and wont be a priority.. and i have to learn how to be ok w that#i want to be and i wished to be but i wont be#so i simply just have to wait... :c#but currently im so fkn anxious and worried#bc i dont know where we stand. idk if we will talk again. like i dont. know!!!!!!#idk if i'll lose him completely and never even get to talk to him a little bit :((#and i feel so anxious and lonely bc of it 🤙🤙#i just want to know i want him to want to talk to me and just... ???#i want to know if.. it's worth enough to not just throw away completely and what will happen and idk#ofc it will be so fkn painful to keep in touch w him when i want from him what he cant and wont give me#and i simply have to learn how to let go and not be in love w him anymore#but also like life is so short life is so terrifying and life is so small and lonely#and esp for me its so hard to find anyone i can relate to#so even if it will be hard i dont want to lose him completely so i just dont fucking know and im so fucking anxious abt it i just wanna cry
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i was talking to my friends abt this earlier today and while i'm still p mad abt how things worked out w the government job program it's also kind of funny if you think abt it. i sent in a resume and never heard from them again. not to confirm that they got my resume, not to offer me any interview or job whatsoever, not to tell me they're sorry but they couldn't find anything for me, just total radio silence, and because it's been a month i just kind of have to assume i didn't get selected for anything. i got ghosted by the fuckin government
#might as well have lit it on fire for all it was worth#i am still mad abt it. how are you as The Government going to decide you cant find one job im worth having around for#and not even give enough of a fuck to tell me that. not even to copy me on an automated mass reply to reject my application#and then they whine abt how they cant keep young people from leaving the province. i fucking wonder why#but you gotta laugh sometimes man#levi.txt#i am honestly very sad that the publishing company internship didnt work out. i was so hoping for that#i really thought i was a perfect candidate and it would have been a way for me to actually use my degree#but its fine i have to be over it#they also couldnt be assed to write me a rejection email :) almost nobody has#im fuckin sick of job hunting man. i genuinely want to work so bad. just give me something#i dont even need above min wage or a career™️ w lots of opportunities for advancement#i would LOVE to work at the bookstore but theyre never hiring#when i say theres nothing there is Nothing. im on 5 different websites that i check daily and there is fucking nothing
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YEAH........... YEAH..... LIKEWISE, NO NOTES AT ALL, THAT'S EXACTLY IT... Main antagonist deaths are often treated as "comeuppance," but that would be the ultimate comeuppance for Aoki. As it stands, the only people who actually suffer for it are Ichiban and Jo, and Ichi didn't even do anything wrong. Also please I'm positive there's more to wring out of Aoki and Jo for an essay 😭😭at the very least, I always love to hear your perspective!
"he'd made a social circle for himself where people predominantly liked him for the power and influence" <- incredibly Mine-core of Aoki btw (I also feel the rest applies a little in terms of Mine probably being very quick to write off people who Do care about him as not caring about him, as with Katase, but it's nowhere near the extent of the Arakawas)
Wait actually it's kind of funny... for both Mine and Aoki, I was so sure their endings would go a certain way. Mine and Kiryu'd fight Richardson off together and Ichi'd, I don't know, shield Aoki or hug him so Kume couldn't get to him in the first place, or after that INSANE direct parallel to Arakawa running to the hospital with Masato, he'd miraculously pull through like he did on New Year's. Tormented with visions of the better timeline... With Aoki in particular, it makes me want to tear my hair out because the moment of him choosing to put the gun in the locker was REVOLUTIONARY for the series, looking at the characters he was most heavily based on.
Anyway. Bottom line. These bitches need to hug it out. It was so evil Arakawa didn't hug Ichi at Omi HQ or on the waterfront like bro stop being """manly""" for five seconds you're ruining my life you're ruining your own lives
There'd genuinely be nothing more painful yet more satisfying for an antagonist than being confronted with the consequences of their actions and having to navigate life after having making those decisions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to mending the bonds that- for anyone else- would have shattered long ago. With Aoki being motivated by the want to be loved and appreciated for himself, it would've been nice to see him finally acknowledge that he did have that love and start to better himself as a result (however much he'd be able to while in prison anyway lmao).
The Mine and Aoki comparisons are so real though, I remember joking to myself about it days after beating the game but it just fuels my mental illness every time I think about it ☠️ I LEGALLY AM NOT ALLOWED TO GO OFF ABOUT THE Y7 ENDING I'VE DONE IT TOO MUCH it makes me so mad every time I think about it 😭 ESPECIALLY THE PARALLELS WITH ARAKAWA AND THE LOCKERS UGGGHHH IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH AN EPIC CONCLUSION WITH THAT... Arakawa running from the lockers at the start of Aoki's life compared to Ichiban running from the lockers and getting Aoki to the hospital so Aoki can restart life I'm Going To Kill Someone (myself) (in Minecraft)
#snap chats#theres a note here about aoki's self hatred and ergo his inability to believe people could love him without 'worth'#and some kind of. I Dont Know occurs that comes with aoki accepting that love and ergo At Least Tolerating himself#and again becoming better as a person as a result. not WHOLLY you cant undo Everything Wrong With Him with one therapy session#but itd at least be a start and thats far more than anything else rgg has given since like. ryuji in dead souls#but w/e i- as per usual- have the vocabulary of a walrus so we're just gonna have to imagine i said something profound#AND THE LACK OF HUGGING IN THIS FRANCHISE IM GOING TO STAB ALL OF YOU. IN MINECRAFT.#with the power of delusions and this like seven-year-old wacom tablet i can fix that......#it'll never be enough it'll never fill the void in my soul but it'll be something i guess#BUT UGH NO SORRY IM JUST MAD NOW#nothing in my life has ever genuinely triggered anger in me than the y7 ending its just soooooooOOOOO#IT WAS SOOO CLOSE TO BEING PERFECT I CANT#im going to give myself a blood clot thinking about it anymore i feel my heart stopping Do Not Call An Ambulance I Cannot Afford It#so to stop myself from going in any more debt than i already am..... the possibility of any essays from me are very small#my ability to use words is near non existent. i feel like a right ninny sometimes#in any case im not sure what else i could expand on that isn't restating what you've said#cant ever be upset with bein on the same wavelength tho it gives my inarticulate ass a helluva easier time trying to explain LMAO#plus im petrified of trying to interpret anything from the english dub or english subs#and looking into language use is Very Much important when dissecting abusive relationships#i guess there's always just talking about general actions committed and not inspecting the exact words used#idk.. at the very least ill rotate the concept in my head and then fend off the urge to eat my teeth#i'm gonna throw up.... im still thinking of it........ gonna make an unrelated-but-arguably-related post in like three seconds#dont look at it its cringe
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