#its good! im sorry! it makes me laugh!!!!
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utterly obsessed? - three
summary: actress y/n I/n has recently skyrocketed into stardom after her breakout film 'castaways' alongside sarah cameron, kevin hart, chris evans and chris hemsworth. weeks after the movies premiere, she drops her debut single, further cementing her place in the spotlight. as millions of people around the world begin to idolize her, she catches the attention of rafe cameron, who doesnt shy away from becoming utterly obsessed in what seems to be the cutest way possible.
main masterlist
two - three - four
december 21, 2024
everythingyn
everythingyn y/n, accompanied by co-star rafe cameron and friends at 'hellraiser' premiere, as well as co-director, john b routledge making a couple appearances. bts pics were also recieved by fans who attended the premiere!
user jj and kie? kill me now theyre so cute.
user i will die on the cameron siblings supremacy hill.
user finest group of friends to EVER strut this earth.
user tuh. jj come home the kids miss you😔
➯ jjmay On my way!
➯ user BYE
user yall my friend said that backstage or wtv rafe and y/n werent near eachother at ALL..
➯ user they must be really good actors then😭😭
user john b, one chance! sarah, can you fight?
user i feel like theyd be so fun to hang out with if i had a man cs if u think im seventh or ninth wheeling😭
user love this❤️
user DJFVNIRJBV
➯ user real
truth was, the more sarah tried to get you and rafe close to eachother, to talk at the very least, the more the two of you found it awkward and distanced yourselves. you had spent the majority of the time at the premiere beforehand with jj, pope, kie and cleo, while he spent most of his time with sarah, john b, and topper. its her brother, can you blame her? why topper was there? no one knew.
you were mid conversation with jj when sarah came over once again with a beaming smile. "sarah, no." you immediately shook your head, glancing around at the fans that had turned up especially early, presumably wanting to capture pictures of whatever they could gossip about. "what? i cant smile at my bestfriend?" she jokingly crossed her arms over her chest, raising an eyebrow. "not when i know theres something you want," you point an accusatory finger at her.
you chuckled when she let out a heavy sigh, "okay, maybe." she said with a soft smile. "just a hug with you and rafe before you start, pleaseee." she begged, as she held your right hand with her left. you widened your eyes in agreement, tossing your other hand slightly into the air. "fine," you let her lead you towards rafe, where he glanced between you and sarah with a soft nervous? smile.
you offered him a tight lipped smile, opening your arms as if reaching in for a hug. he did the same, bending down and wrapping them around your mid-back as you wrapped yours around his neck. "sorry 'bout her," he mumbled into your ear. a slight chuckle left your lips, "its expected dont worry." you rubbed you hand up and down his back before patting it as if beginning to let go.
rafe noted the signal, also rubbing his hand up and down your back for a moment before backing away. the two of you stayed close, greeting some of the fans that had arrived early before saying a quick goodbye and retreating back to your original small groups. you sucked in a breath through your teeth as jj laughed, wrapping an arm loosely around your shoulder.
"y'good?" he mumbled as he watched cleo and pope innocently bicker as they tried to fix his hair with kiara laughing behind them. "yeah. i d'know what sarahs doing but as long as she doesnt push it." you shrug, watching as most paparazzi as well as a couple interviewers made their way to the designated area at the carpet, the horde of fans growing behind them.
he heaved out a sigh, wrapping both arms around neck in a warm hug. "whoa, hi there." you laugh. "whats this for?" you mumble, wrapping your arms around his waist as the two of you rocked slightly side to side. "im proud of you," he placed his chin on top of your head. "you tell me that all the time j," you laugh, however, you decide to stay in the hug for a while more.
"yeah, i know," he said softly, pulling away only slightly to face you. "but i want you to know i mean it, and thank you for keeping me by your side," he jokes, you laughing as he pulls you back into the embrace. after a short moment, you pull away. "thank you jj. love you." you smiled as he reciprocated, smiling down at you. "love you too, buddy." he kisses your forehead.
he nodded at the carpet, "go ahead, take some picture and let us know when you want us to join you." jj patted your shoulder, lightly pushing you towards the carpet where rafe was also approaching. you gave him a kind smile, glancing to where you previously were to see jj and kie, as well as pope and cleo smiling and cheering for you.
you laughed quietly as you and rafe wrapped an arm around eachother, taking a couple picture before some members from the rest of the cast, as well as john b and his co-director came over to also take pictures. after a couple more moments of posing for the cameras, john b gave you the all clear to call jj and the others over, so you did as he called sarah over. they all rushed up to you and rafe, hugging the both of you as a small greeting as if the nine of you hadn't greeted eachother before.
the nine of you got into random places, posing for pictures for some minutes. after a couple shots and different poses, everyone dispersed as you, john b and rafe moved on to the short interviews. your eyes first landed on a woman who looked to be in her mid-twenties, anxiously holding a microphone. you smiled politely at her as you approached. "hi," you extender your hand out for a handshake, one which she nervously accepted.
"hi," she stuttered back. "sorry.. my first time doing an interview." she shrugged lightly, to which you nodded. "dont worry, i dont bite." you laughed. she sighed as you stood patiently, "wanna get started?" she asked as she held a flash card in her hand. "whenever you're ready, dont worry." you held a hand out, silently saying that it was her call.
she inhaled slowly, exhaling after a moment. "okay- this was your first journey in horror/mystery film compared to your breakout role in the comedy, castaways," she paused as if asking for your approval, to which you nodded. "how challenging was it to manage the intensity and dynamics between your character and rafe camerons compared to castaways?"
you furrowed your eyebrows with a smile, pointing a finger at her as you raised your head in thought. "good question," you spoke into the mic she had moved closer to your face. "well, it was way more different in this movie. i feel like on set, whether we were filming or not, you could feel the sort of– tension? if thats what it could be called." you paused, gathering your thoughts.
"but compared to castaways where the tone was light and carefree both on and off set, yeah it was definitely challenging. this film defenitely required a lot more focus and deep diving into my character, but i was lucky to have a good co-star whos been in projects like this before to help me when i struggled." you glanced at rafe, who was at the other side of the carpet, also engaged in an interview.
the interviewer nodded along as you answered her first question, then trasitioning to her next. "speaking of, what was the first major difference you feel that set in when transitioning from four co-stars to one main costar?" you nodded, raising your eyebrows with a slight surprised face. "whoever writes your questions needs a raise," you joked, erupting a laugh from the interviewer.
you paused for a moment as you thought about your answer, "but, the first major difference i felt was the change in atmosphere. i feel like with multiple costars, theres sort of a family mood that sets in compared to with one main costar." you paused. "with one, its much more intimate, but it also allows for more exploration into your characters and their stories to make sure you understand the complexity of the entire plot." you spoke into the microphone with a small smile, "but i think it also had to do with the type of project you're working on."
"okay, good answer." the woman complimented to which you smiled with a small nod of your head. "heres a simpler question. did you have a certain routine you followed to get into your character while on set?" you fixed your hair as you thought about how to answer the question while also reminiscing about your days on set.
finally, you shook your head. "i wouldnt say i did. if anything, i would have my headphones in, listening to my playlist while in hair and makeup. but, to be honest, the music wasnt the same vive as the movie" you laughed as the interviewer smiled at you.
she tilted her head, switching grips on her microphone. "any artists we would know?" you nodded with a small smile, "hopefully," you crossed your index and middle fingers with a small laugh. "a lot of frank ocean, the weeknd, brent faiyaz, bryson tiller... a bunch of that type of music. and of course my baby, maddy beer." you blew a kiss to the camera, letting out a soft smile after.
the interviewer smiled at you and nodded, bringing the mic back to her face. "well, i believe thats all for this interview. thank you and good luck on your next," the woman smiled politely. you reached your arms out to pull her into a hug, "you did good," you smile as you pull away. "thank you," she mouthed. you waved a small goodbye towards her before walking a couple feet away to your next interview.
finally, after the entensive amount of interviews, where the questions were repeated for the most part, you shook the hand of the last interviewer, who for some reason had a habit of looking down your body, you not succeeding in hiding the disgust on your face. you walked away from the line of interviewers, looking around to find literally anyone you knew.
"boo!" jj grasped your shoulders from behind, to which you jumped. "jesus," you held a hand to your chest. "dont–" you shoved his chest, "do that jj." you concluded with a small laugh as he shoved you back lightly. "howd it go?" he asked you as the two of you walked away to find your friends. "eh.. it went good. i liked the first girl. she was nervous but shes good at her job." you smiled as you waved at random fans or people from set.
you sighed as the two of you went behind the carpet, "d'know about the last guy tho, bit of a creep," you shrugged. jj nodded along at your words, hand on your mid back as you moved around people. "well, at least its over," he joked with a small laugh. you reciprocated, laughing as the two of you approached kiara. you smiled excitedly, wrapping your arms around her neck with a small squeal as the two of you rocked back and forth giddily.
"im gonna go find jb," you removed yourself from the hug with kiara, turning to jj. "might wanna wipe the lipstick off better next time," you motioned to his jawline with a teasing smile. jj rolled his eyes, wiping the back of his hand along his jawline. "you idiot," kie moved around you, smacking his hand off his face to help him wipe the lipstick off. "have fun," you quipped as you made your way around people to look for john b.
rafecameron
liked by sarahcam, youruser, popeh and 1.3 million others
rafecameron life.
user the scream i scrumpt
sarahcam the way u copied my caption and im not on here..🙄
user TWO pictures of her? on purpose? very rare.
user let me B A N G BABY.
youruser well someone did me wrong
user he has a kid?
➯ user yes
➯ user no thats sarah and jbs daughter
user THEE james bond?
jbr get a load of this bald specimen
➯ rafecameron thats it im shaving your hair off
➯ sarahcam please do.
➯ jbr hello?
user we got family drama going on guys!
barrylyman i get a feat? sick.
*liked by creator*
user the way shes FIRST? the arm? someone pinch me
user WHO took my clothes
popeh im insulted
➯ rafecameron you know i love you bae
user help hes so girl dad
user rafe! ass or tits?
➯ user BRO WHAT?? LMAO
➯ lmaowhatt hes an ass man for sure
user help y/n is so unproblematic.
your phone
sarahs phone
a/n: sigh. also, according to chat gpt barrys last name is lyman, it doesnt really fit him but im running with it. we all know hes practically married to rafe canonically so its okay. a/n pt.2: next post might be on christmas day because i want to spend time with my family and friends tomorrow and i hope you all do as well! a/n pt.3: i also wrote the interview questions and answers myslef. ill let you know i was very proud of myself😭
#lmaowhatt#obx#obx fic#obx fanfiction#obx x reader#outer banks#outerbanks smau#outerbanks fanfiction#outer banks imagine#outer banks fic#rafe cameron smau#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x you#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe smau#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron x female reader#rafe cameron fic#rafe cameron obx#rafe outer banks#rafe cameron social media au#drew starkey#rafe x you#rafe x reader#outer banks x reader#x reader
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we can debate the ethics of rpf all day long but the bottom line that we can’t get away from is that its funny to edit black and white images of celebrities into the “rpf is fine” image with their name as the source
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fionna's world being represented by a dandelion makes so much sense ... they're weeds. yet people make wishes through them, changing their whole meaning from something meant to be destroyed to something hopeful.
dandelions are also resilient and it makes sense that something associated with them would. you know. perservere despite the destruction caused by the scarab.
but ultimately i think what REALLY made me tear up over this is that dandelions are really boring plants. when you're a kid you blow on them and make your wish but they're not eyecatching or anything but still, fionna's final wish was for her old world to still exist as it was when she left it (> plain and simple. boring even).
like the moment she realized she would lose her friends, and that her friends might forget each other if the world got its magic back, she immediately decided she didn't want it and I think that ties back to the dandelion metaphor so well... like, do you really need magic to be real to find it everywhere? or can you turn something boring into something magical?
#remi rambles#fionna and cake#f&c spoilers#sorry i have many Not Silly thoughts about the finale#i looove fionna she was such a wonderful character .. so well written and real TO ME#shes my best friend shes my everything shes silly she makes me so emotional#like even when simon told her he was gonna wear the crown to get the magic back to her world#< the moment she realized he would go crazy she started to think about it#like she wont sacrifice a friend just to get what she really wants#i really loved her journey through the show idk#going from being so over her routine > finding out magic can be dark too > making her own magical world just by loving her friends#like its so much more than 'the power of friendship will save us!!'#yes she saved the world thanks to the love she had for her friends but it was backed up by a full journey beforehand#i think. the line about having functional toilets (while still being a p good joke) makes the point so much clearer#we have been to the end of the universe and back but we have functioning toilets !!!#like do u get it. do i sound crazy#< crazy person voice#anyway yes im done sorry#live laugh love fionna and cake
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green beetle black beetle
#star wars#the original trilogy#boba fett#darth vader#hi. sorry for star war jumpscare. genuinely#i feel like ive kinda been on an art hiatus lately due to health stuff#i got diagnosed with a parathyroid disease recently (wahoo) so now i know why i have been feeling so bad! need more tests though#anyway. in the mean time most of the entertainment my brain can handle has been like. youtube clip compilations of shows and movies#not even the actual shows or movies. literally just sections of them on youtube#i wish i was joking#the only reason i know what happens in succession is because i have watched it in disjointed order in youtube compilations. not joking#anyway so ive learned a lot more about star wars than i ever. thought i would#mostly just the original trilogy and prequels. some of the old comics & books are interesting too#(sick to my stomach) i like darth vader he has like the same personality as ganondorf except he had no good reason for doing anything#when vader/anakin does literally anything weird or unacceptable it like. makes me laugh so hard its like jerma when he sees a car accident#boba fett’s costume design has been rotating in my head a lot too it’s very good#he’s very colorful and like. matte/unpolished compared to vader and it makes them a cool duo visually#those 2 are my favorites. vader why is the space cowboy the only person aside from sidious or tarkin who is allowed to get mad at you#sidious is my 3rd favorite. he sucks so bad as like a person that you just. you have no expectations of him except just being evil#so its just really funny like everything he does is horrible and he’s so happy all the time like good for him#i’m making it sound like ive never seen star wars before. i have i just never really cared about it until i got an endocrine disorder lmao#but yeah idk art may continue to be slow while im figuring out treatment stuff#if anyone reading this also has or has had hyperparathyroidism im wishing the strength & radiance of 1000 beautiful horses upon you
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worlds most minor spoilers for 110 btw ‼️‼️
i needed the world to experience their worst fucking rolled intro that they've ever done. worst experience please never do a bit like this again 🙏🙏
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#jrwi#SORRY I JUST. WHAT THE FUCK WWAS THAT!?????#charlie and bizly just locked in and WENT for it bro what on fucking earth#its about a 3 minute clip im sorry but if i didnt give the full context it would be even more incomprehensible 😔#i would be laughing my ass off to this clip normally but if charlie slimecicle ever uses that voice or that tone ever again#im vanishing off the face of the planet permanently. stop it sir.#i finally broke when bizly said 'was it good for you' i fucking LOST it bro i couldnt breath thatwas so funny 😭😭
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im listening to some zelda music compilations again and i gotta say 2 things
damn does the hyrule warriors, aoc included, line have some bangers or what
and damn, if you ignore the absolut blast i was having fighting koga, does totks music on its own make me feel things the game never did, like i dont wanna sound like i keep hating on it but man the music is SO GOOD in ways the game didnt deliver on and when i hear it i just kinda drift off into what id imagine the game being like with music like this and then be sad about the real one like the trailer music alone is just GOD what it made me think theyd dare do with the story after turning what was largely considered THE zelda gameplay so on its head, now surely totks gonna be daring in terms of story, its the most logical progressio-
oh :(
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#totk#music gets to me on a level that no picture can#like when i hear the music i tear up!!!!#and yet the only times i got teary eyed when playing the game was whenever i fought koga bc i was so ecstatic to have him back#and the cutscene were gan does THAT face bc i laughed so hard about it i half cried#sorry gan#the cutscene before didnt phase me bc the story didnt hook me at all and i knew sonia was the dead wife trope#but i didnt expect that face from him and im pretty sure i burst out laughing despite trying my best to stay silent during cutscenes#anyway the music makes me mad bc its so good#some themes even have a distinct joe hisaishi feel to it and that on top of the ghibli aesthetic they borrowed from#but none of the good storytelling makes me so god damn frustrated sad#i fear the next game ngl
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hiii i just read your tags on the previous anon's ask and laughed out loud <333
if adam and steve were in veggietales what kind of vegetables and/or fruits would they be? 😌💕
adam would be an asparagus, and steve would be a celery. but one of the shorter ones of course.
Easiest question in the world. I'm doing such a good job at this
#really glad my posts can make you laugh#asks#anon#something worth thinking about. for all of us.#keep that in mind#sorry I got rlly mad earlier btw if you saw that post I'm just PISSED OFF!!!!#that would be really funny if I just got super mad again. not it wouldnt.#but genuinely just like idk... I wish my online presence could be entirely good vibes and sharing art and stories#and I hate that my company is making it like. not possible for me to do that.#cause theyre sort of negatively impacting the material realities of my life...#I WANNA LEAVE sorry omg I'm thinking about it again#its good im good#veggies yaaaaa#I gotta draw something and share it
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i had to listen to multiple people admit to wanting to kill/abandon their baby if it came out autistic or special needs and i had to just sit there in disbelief.
this is so normalized ts isnt a joke it makes me scared and im not even autistic or special needs (well im not 100% sure actually.) but still it hurts and has hurt my heart for years when i see people talk down to autistic people like they’re babies or the evilest people alive like uhm…buddy you’re harassing someone over something they cant control that will never be funny in my eyes. never has been and never will. why worry about others? you have a life of your own. focus on yourself and what you’re going to do with you life.
#im sorry this has just been brewing in my head for the longest#and it got heightened monday when i saw a friend of mine laughing at the jokes and even playing into it#its scary#you want to kill slmeone because their brain doesn’t operate the same way yours does?#how closeminded and selfish can you be.#its like that with self expression as well#dont break societial rules or you’ll be ‘weird’ or bullied#that makes zero sense to me#we weren’t created in a copy machine#we all arent going to be the same#and thats okay#differences are good#changes are okay#you dont have to bully others because they dont fit into the rules youve boxed yourself in#that’s genuine loser activity#you shouldnt be worried about what someone’s wearing if youre not wearing it#anyways rant over guys im STARVED
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idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do
#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second.#remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one.#make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard.#you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper.#she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down#and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep.#there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more#and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true.#you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her.#the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers.#your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts.#learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again.#i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir#youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this.#right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full.#youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother#im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg#just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts.#breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful.#the lack of her is still beautiful
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#this edit is so bad but its making me laugh so im gonna upload it anyway#it took me ten minutes#im sorry im making you look at this lmfao#somebody should remake this but make it actually good#vidow#vio link#shadow link#four swords
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my guilty pleasure is reading those hate boner threads about hh/hb because it always boils down to op having super hilariously bad media literacy or 'why didnt they simply write this character to not have motivations and remove their entire personality so the plot doesn't happen?????'
#i still think and laugh about someone getting mad that blitz cared about the parking spot verosika took instead of not caring and finding#another spot#like im sorry be fr fjdjsj#i often question if its just bad satire 😭 but ive been online long enough many people lack critical skills that make this type of stuffreal#either way its a good laugh for me and a reminder why i love the shows#txt
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#every once in a while ill go back after cleaning up music on my phone and relisten to old rock songs then redownload them#but im thinking. how the fuck did 3/4 of my immediate family listen to disturbed. just one song but huh#actually maybe 2.. also trapt? who the hell is that anyway we all just know headstrong 😭#i redownload and delete and redownload it all the time LMAO#skilet and three days grace and OH breaking benjamin we all listened to a lot too#and i say 3/4 bc i dont know what the fuck my dad likes? pit..bull..? lmfao..? thai music?? im so confused#FALL OUT BOY ALWAYS HITS#also that fucking. roach last resort shit. my brother still has it in his spotify playlist and it always makes me laugh so fucking hard#anyway i do rmr skillet and breaking benjamin being big bc we all liked it. also how did we all like disturbed but now none of them listen#to rock sob sob#also i used to share three days grace and fucking hollywood undead to my younger cousin??? what was wrong w me for sharing HU...#HE DOESNT REMEMBER IT THO?? its really funny LMAO#also evanescence but i found more songs on my own and ofc we together only kinda had uhh 2 songs#NUMB ENCORE.. I TOTALLY FORGET ABT IT AND IT BLOWS MY MIND EVERYTIME IT RESURFACES IN MY HEAD HOLY SHIT#BANGER but anyw my point was uhh smn smn sharing music is great and im happy we all bonded over rock before lol#44597#IDK I FORGOT HALF WAY IN 😭 GO ROCK!! im redownloading some of the shit i dont have again LMAO#OUGH ALSO NOBODY CARES BUT ME AND MY COUSIN R SO 06 ALL HAIL SHADOW PILLED#THAT WHEN MY BROTHER PLAYED THE OG ALL HAIL SHADOW I KID U NOT I WAS LIKE IS THAT A COVER WHAT VERS IS THIS#SORRY IM SO CRUSH40 PILLED I LITERALLY PLAYED SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG ON THE PS2 AND ON AN EMULATOR?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT#/LH BC ITS STILL GOOD BUT THAT IS NOT MY JAM. 06 IS WHERE ITS AT#crush40 was so good for sonic songs though esp all hail shadow and ungravitify OUGH crush40 versions r like almost always my fav#wait with movie and year of shadow ppl r going back n commenting all over this old yt upload of all of me from 11 years ago LMAOOO#dude they have to give knuckles kickass rap songs again PLEASE unknown from M.E makes me laugh so hard BUT ITS NOT BAD#AND PUMPKIN HILL ok that wasnt tehcnically his but it literally TALKS ABT KNUCKLES. ITS LITERALLY ABT HIM BRO#that ones funny to me bc my cousin loved it sm and he was legit like trying to hear the lyrics but he couldnntt#a ghost tried to approach me AND GOT MARRIED??? 🤨🤨 i cant take this song seriously ASLKDJS#CHECK YES JULIET.. JUST REALIZED MY BESTIES USED TO LIKE SOFT ROCK WITH ME?? they dont listen to that at all anymore omg
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cw child abuse but I thought maybe my mum would finally be chill w/ us talking about the time she repeatedly shoved me into a room as punishment for having a panic attack at 8 years old but it turns out it's not chill and bringing it up still Makes Me The Asshole
#shes usually pre good about talking about childhood trauma stuff but for some reason this one subject makes her snap#she was like bragging about how she would always calmly talk us through our upset moments as kids and i was like... yeah 99% of the time#i was laughing a bit too trying to keep the energy chill#and she got defensive and asked about the 1% so i was like well you did lock me in a room for having a panic attack and her response was#it didnt lock from your side you could get out!!#like ma'am everytime i got out your 6'2 ass would charge down the hallway#pick me up and manhandle me back into the room as i desperately tried to escape#i can still remember the physical sensation of gripping onto my wooden doorframe while she pushed me in and thinking if i could just get to#the front door i could escape and ask an adult for help because my parents had turned on me#anyway sorry to vent just needed to get it out bc we spent hours together after i tried talking about it and its hard to act friendly when#im like hey can we talk about how you refuse to admit you had a part in abusing me#she wonders why i didnt talk to her re my dads grooming and its like ma'am i showed vulnerability and you rapunzeled me#i was not going to risk that twice
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no im still on maffhew calling the forsymaffhew lovechild a missile
#txt#missile#i have also learned ive mispronounced missile all my life at least in american terms#wdym you guys dont say mis-AISLE#the culmination of living in city where we're all 1st/2nd gen immigrants whos primary language at home is not english#anyways male equivalent of rocket... missile#sorry my queer mind can't understand that#my gender is when we played house in 2nd grade i didnt want to play because i had to be mom or dad and i went well im only playing if i get#to be like the family dog and they all got nervous because that felt mean and the teachers would scold them#and i was like nah its fine check this shit out (runs around and barks)#my gender is when the classroom got seperated into boys and girls i staunchly refused and insisted i be in my own group as a joke and#everyone was okay w that because it was the height of lolz so random! and i was the poster child for that so naturally yeah thats#charming and cute yeah tumblr user ratatatastic you can have your own group and that was the class joke and it never felt mean because#it was a small sheltered school and weve all know eo since we were like in daycare#my gender is hey i volunteered at a pride festival and ive always struggled with expressing any sort of femininity and bristled pretty#badly because it gets beat into you and after the pandemic i chilled out a lot after sitting with it and this is all to say#i got partnered with a brazilian guy because i was the only one who spoke spanish on shift at the time and while he spoke 3 languages#(eng esp por) sometimes he struggled with how to say something and changed languages like he was channel surfing which was refreshing#because i do the same thing so it was this weird culmination of both of us code switching heavily and acting as translator for eo anyways#this is all to say when i toddled in no one really knew what to make of me pronoun wise and what he decided to do instead of just ask me#like a normal person he just he/him'd me and then proceed to call me good girl in the exact same sentence and i laughed about it at the time#proceeded to file it at the back of my head for when i got home so i could despondently stare at a wall for 5 hours of what exactly that#entails about me and why it didnt bother me at all and i was like huh the panic never stops thats fun you can just have random revelations#even when youre an old dog in the game at 23 and known your gender fucker wuckery since you were like 12 like oh great#conclusion is that i dont know why god sends me his toughest battles im a crybaby AND a whiner LIKE PICK SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY#anyways hehe missile#sorry we lost the thread here
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google what to do when you feel like a failure
#i dont like to admit jt but maybe major traumatic events actually do effect me...........#how can not understanding an email make me feel like my whole life is shit and ive never been good at anything like get a grip#idk i feel like its not even my life anymore. im just here and i cant do anything the same ever again#i cant laugh the same i cant act the same i cant think the same. i dont want to be in this moment i wish i was somewhere else#im not gonna flunk out bc i cant let one incident control my whole life#but everything is so hard now. i feel like i cant do anything right#sorry ill delete this later i just get weird when im alone#but god i want to be alone so bad
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Every once in a while I get this sudden urge to send positive anon asks to people I care a lost about even though they don't even know I exist. Probably. Just to, I don't know. Cheer them up? Be sure that they get at least one positive moment and a "Oh, someone has thought about me today" in their day. Have them know that someone does care about them. And I suppose this urge somehow comes from the lack of and desire for interactions I have here. I've been alone like a rock in my main blog for five years, now that I created this one and linked it to my ao3 and I've experienced 🌠the interactions 🌌 it feels so much lonelier when I don't get any. Which then makes me go "if I post another fic people will reach out and leave comments/reblog/send asks" (the emotions I went through when I received my first ask, oh man). Which isn't exactly the right thing to do/think. But it's exactly what happens. So now that I'm between two fics (The Growls and the WIP) and here it's mostly silent now, like the saying goes, if people don't come to me I go to them. Kind of. It's a sort of coping mechanism. "I'm sad and lonely. Let's send some positivity to someone." And then they reply saying I made them feel better and I feel better too.
#their replies are my interactions#nfr#had to take the 'if i post people will talk to me' thought out of my head before it went to rot#(it goes?)#it's a thought that i shouldnt listen to because i know it's harmful#i should write only for the good of writing. not to lure people to talk to me#but now that i think about it. thats how i grew up. isnt it? if i do this they'll come looking for me#if i do that theyll talk to me. play with me#working on specific internal jokes for days so i can make my friend(s) cry laughing#i dont know if this post will surbive the next 24 hours or if ill delete it earlier#i feel like an idiot#add the constantly checking my stats page on ao3 for new hits kudos bookmarks#and i know its so unhealthy but i cant hold back from doing it#god i hate it so much when the muddy mood happens#i needed to vent. im sorry
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