#how can not understanding an email make me feel like my whole life is shit and ive never been good at anything like get a grip

[fiendishartist2]

google what to do when you feel like a failure

[immamapletreekid]

work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha

[mysticmellowlove]

a/n; grammarly is set to formal writing for my stupid reports so every time I try and write debauched shit like this it has an aneurysm. i tell you what something possessed me to write this as well. There should be another one later tonight so I can finally be back on schedule :)

warnings; somno, non con, sub male, yan male, gn reader, yandere behaviours, drugging,

word count; 1218

Seth's jaw tightened as he looked down at the computer in disdain. On it the work email of his sugar was open and all of the back and forth they had with their clients was right in front of him. He read through them, his fists tightening at the friendly banter and the not-so-innocent flirting from the clients. Why didn't they understand? Why didn't his sugar understand that he was the only person they needed in their life?

He slammed the computer screen down, half hoping that it would shatter. It didn't but the satisfying sound of it clattering shut made him feel a little bit better. Off to the side of the table was the cup of tea he had made them just before they were going to watch a movie. They hadn't noticed the drug in it, the sweetness of the honey they liked in their drinks hid the bitter taste.

It wasn't what he wanted, he wanted them to be awake but he also needed to calm himself down. The last thing he wanted was to scare them with the extent of his love. This way he would get what he wanted and they would be none the wiser.

He had to have them, had to make sure that their body knew how much pleasure he could give them. Maybe if he conditioned their body to feel arousal around him then they would naturally fall in love with him.

That was why he had to drug them so they'd fall asleep faster, so they'd stay asleep while he did whatever he wanted. The idea made him shiver. He quickly lost interest in his sugar's computer and instead paced towards their prone body on the couch. Netflix was open but nothing was playing as they had fallen asleep before they could pick anything, he grabbed the remote from their hand and turned it off allowing the room to be lit only by the lamp in the corner.

It was the perfect romantic atmosphere, it was a shame that they wouldn't be able to experience it. He looked down at them, if only they'd relax more. Why did they have to work all the time? Why couldn't they just let him provide for them?

Gently he let his body rest on their lap, his leg thrown over them as he leant over their body. His hands trailed up their arm, raising goosebumps on their skin as he watched the small reactions their body had to him. Lovingly he caressed their face, letting his lips slot over their own, forcing his tongue into their mouth. He moaned at the feeling of being close to them like this, imagining what they'd be saying if they knew what he was doing.

He knew that his sugar could be a little nasty sometimes but that's what he loved about them. The world had been so cruel to them, it was time he made it all better. He pulled his lips back and watched as the string of saliva extended between them.

He couldn't wait any longer, he'd been pent up today and they'd spent the whole day working. He remembered the way they brushed him off before forcing him to sit on their lap as they worked, he thought he had them right where he wanted them but then.... they didn't give in. It made him so mad but he would never blame them.

He shuffled downwards and pulled their pants from their body, taking in the sight of their wet underwear. His eyes widened, so their body already knew who it belonged to. His face spread into a grin, he was halfway there then...

Excitedly he pulled his own pants off and slowly eased his fingers into his ass, attempting to open himself up to take them more efficiently. They were still prepped from when he was sitting on their lap, when they had insisted that he cockwarm them while they worked.

Soon after he started he decided that the pleasurable burn of their cock stretching him out would be better.

He needed their body to be accustomed to him but he also wanted his to do the same, to be moulded perfectly to them and their body. Ruined so no one else would make him feel as good, no one would even get the chance anyway but the thought was too hot to discard

Eagerly he let their cock penetrate him, sink into him. His mouth dropped open as he tried to muffle his moan, he was still a little sensitive from before. His hands shook as he braced them on the couch, now suddenly wary about waking them up. He had been assured that the drug would work like a charm but he wanted to be sure.

He loved them, so much... but he also wanted to seem dependable. If they saw him act like such a slut then what would they think of him? To be so fully undone by the slightest touch of their cock inside him, to basically be drooling at the thought of them viciously taking him in any way they wanted. How could he provide for them if he was always weak at the knees at the thought of their skin, their breath, their kisses... their mere presence.

Pathetic, he was simply pathetic and yet he loved it. Being turned into some whore by the simplest touch, into a dumb slut by their girthy cock. A slave to the pleasure they gave him.

These thoughts circulated in his head as he bounced up and down on them, his lip caught in between his teeth as he tried to muffle his sounds. Even the ache in his legs wouldn't stop him from fully exploring them. His hands left the couch and roamed over their skin, under their shirt, over their hard nipples. Their body was reacting to him, it knew who he was and how good he made it feel.

"Come on, just.... just love me already." He cried out as he crashed his hips into them, no longer caring about the sounds he was making or the rough pace he was subjecting himself and them to. Their hips would bruise, a haughty reminder of his sin. What would they do when they found out? Would they punish him, would they not care, would they give in and let him finally take care of their every whim?

Would they leave him?

His eyes narrowed as he rolled his hips into them, keeping their cock in as deep as it would go inside him. An ache was forming in his legs and his prostate as he forcefully made them abuse it repeatedly. The feeling of them deep inside him made him cum, spurts of liquid covered both his and their skin as he kissed their neck hotly, licking and biting a mark into them.

They couldn't leave him, he loved them too much, he wouldn't allow it, they'd be his forever and ever and ever. He would make sure of it. No matter what he had to do he would do it. Anything for them, anything to make sure they stayed together forever.

[formulatrash]

I feel like people don't understand this. like, people do not get how much abuse you get working in motorsport.

I still get hundreds of emails a week - my email was shared via a forum a few years back and people use it all the time. they range between succinct 'go die' messages and long, rambling things detailedly explaining how they'll dismember me. they often have guesses at where I live. I didn't say who my flatmate was for a long time on twitter and neither of us can post photos anywhere near our house or with the windows in the background if it's of the cat, etc. people have come up to me in pubs and screamed at me in my face. my editors used to receive between 10 and 70 emails a week asking me to be removed from my (outrageously junior) position because people hated that I had any platform whatsoever that much.

people will literally cheerfully eat up every straight white man in motorsport media and then shit themselves stupid when anyone else is in it. there is not just a longstanding but recent hire at Autosport with credible sexual harassment claims against them and yet no one gives a fucking shit about that do they.

I get hundreds of asks a week on here. I get DMs on every social media platform. people make up abjectly insane shit about me ("Hazel claims she experiences slavphobia" what the fuck I am not slavic you insane pieces of shit) and lie and lie and lie and I can do nothing about it. and this has ruined my life. I will never get away from it. it doesn't matter that I lost my job, it will continue forever. I hate it.

and people like Barstool were key to this.

if you want a career in motorsport: don't! fuck this whole shit off. never touch it. get out before this happens to you.

[alanjeffbrainrot]

Bending the Rules pt. 1

CW: Student/Teacher AU, eventual smut, minors dni

A/N: idk why im obsessed with this concept. It’s also a soulmate AU cause I’m a slut for alanjeff true mate shit. Enjoy 😌

Word Count: 4.5K

Find it on AO3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ To read pt. 2

My masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alan takes a different path earlier in life and ends up becoming a college professor. Jeff walks into the first day of class and sits at the very edge of the room, away from all the other students. Alan notices him on day one and doesn’t understand why he’s so intrigued by this new student.

A few days into class Babe (also a prof at the university, he started 4 years after Alan and they became fast friends. Lots of students think they’re dating because of how close they are) pulls him aside to mention that “Jeff, the kid in your Tuesday/Thursday class ? That’s the kid we’ve all been talking about, he’s going places”.

Confused, Alan casts a glance over at Babe murmuring that he wouldn’t be convinced until Jeff says something. Literally anything.

“Oh, that’s just how he is, don’t worry too much about it.” Babe shrugs it off but something about the boys nature still bothered Alan. Why was he so quiet, he thought to himself, and what will it take to get him to talk to me.

Why this mattered so much to Alan he wasn’t sure, but he vowed to keep an eye on the omega and see if he could get him to crack one day.

As the class continues Alan discovers that the Babe’s comments rang true. Jeff was truly remarkable. Just after midterms Alan calls Jeff to his desk, asking him to wait to speak with him.

“You’re the best student I’ve had Jeff and I just happen to be losing my TA after this semester, graduation and all” Alan chuckles. “Would you consider taking the position ?”

Jeff looks conflicted and quietly says he’ll think about it (the most he has said to Alan this whole semester, making Alan’s alpha puff up its chest). Alan nods and says he’ll check in again in a few days before waving Jeff off, wishing him a good day.

A week goes by, still no answer from Jeff and Alan is stressed. He feels like he’s going crazy, anytime he sees Jeff on campus he has to keep himself from bombarding the boy. Maybe he just doesn’t want to do it ? Alan thinks to himself. He’s about to start his senior year, lots of students turn down TA positions.

Babe, who’s usually next to Alan when they run across the little omega, is beginning to notice his strange reactions. Alan stands straighter and can barely keep his eyes focused in front of him, always glancing over to watch Jeff walk by them. The worst part being Alan’s pheromones, subtly being pushed out a tad stronger when the shorter is nearby, a fact that probably hasn’t even registered with Alan yet. Babe doesn’t say anything, just observing his friend become smitten like he never has before.

To Alan’s surprise, however, the next class Jeff is in he walks up to Alan and quietly mutters “I’ll do it”.

“Oh ! Oh my god, okay, yeah. Awesome” Alan stutters. God, why am I acting like a flustered school boy. Realizing Jeff is still staring at him, Alan shakes himself out of his thoughts. “I’ll email you the requirements and the application. You’ll send a copy to me and to student services. If you need any help just let me know !”

Jeff just nods before walking out of the classroom, leaving Alan a confused and flustered mess. And that’s the moment his alpha decides to complicate the situation. (For years Alan had kept that part of himself under lock and key, getting very good at not listening to his instincts.) Mine his alpha growled as if trying to break out of a cage, that omega is mine.

Alan is appalled at his own thoughts, vowing to keep himself together and not cross any lines. He wouldn’t even be interested Alan reasons with himself, it’ll be fine.

What Alan doesn’t know, is Jeff is having the same battle with himself. He had never touched the alpha (he had gotten very good at never touching anyone at this point) but just before beginning Alan’s class he had grabbed his brother, Charlie, by the wrist. And, unfortunately, it triggered a vision. One in which a tall, sophisticated, older alpha just happened to be hanging off of Jeff’s arm. It was a small point, insignificant in the grand scheme of the vision which was centered around Charlie, but it had shaken Jeff to the core. Who was this alpha and why on earth would Jeff let him touch him ??

When Jeff walked into class the first day he had kept his head down, a habit to ensure nobody spoke to him before or after classes. But when he finally popped his head up and looked at the professor at the beginning of class he had to keep himself from sprinting out of the classroom.

There, in front of him, was the alpha from his vision. No way, Jeff had thought, there’s absolutely no way. That vision had to be incorrect, a fluke.

The day Alan asked him to TA, jeff panicked, leaving campus and driving straight to speak with Charlie. When he gets in front of his brother he realizes he has no clue how to breach this topic.

“You remember that vision I had just before the semester ?” He starts with. When Charlie nods he takes a deep breath and continues, “I didn’t tell you everything….. the vision was about you” Jeff emphasizes, “but…. Next to me……. Was this alpha, someone I hadn’t met before.”

“Oh ?” Charlie said surprised, eyes going wide, “Why didn’t you tell me before ? What’s the problem ? Probably someone we’ll meet in the future.”

“Well….” Jeff trails off, not sure which topic he should begin with, “in the vision I was letting this alpha hug me ? Kind of, he was holding my arm like he was hugging a pole. But I didn’t seem bothered by it”

Jeff is interrupted by Charlie squealing, “YOU GET A BOYFRIEND IN THE FUTURE OH MY GOD !”

“Charlie !” Jeff huffs, hitting his brother on the shoulder to get him to quiet down. “You know my visions aren’t always absolute. And I really think this one can’t be true. There’s no way !”

“What, you don’t think an alpha will want you ? Come on jeff, you’re a catch.”

Jeff glares at Charlie but he just smiles back, sincere as ever. “It’s not that, jackass. It happens that I met the alpha when the semester began. But….”

“But” Charlie drags out, “what, is he an asshole or something ?”

“No ! No, hes… he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. Gentle and so smart” jeff abruptly shuts his mouth. What am I saying he thinks to himself shaking his head before looking up at Charlie, who’s wearing a shit eating grin.

“You LIKE HIM” he teases, “so again I ask, what’s the problem ?”

“Umm…” Jeff looks down, not wanting to see Charlie’s face when he admits this. “He’s my professor” he whispers.

“Oh, okay that really could be a problem” Charlie says, tone nothing but understanding. “But you graduate next year right ? Just avoid him until then and let fate decide once you’re not a student anymore.”

“Well, he kind of asked me to be his TA next year. And I feel like I have to do it. I could learn a lot from him and it would look really good on my resume. Ive seen the places his past TA’s have gotten hired. This could give me a huge advantage getting into a garage Charlie.” Jeff looks up at his brother who seems to weighing what he has just told him.

After a few hours of discussion jeff came to the decision that he would accept the position and just keep his distance as much as he could. I Can do this he thought to himself, I just have to keep my guard up until I graduate.

Jeff didn’t understand why his omega, on the other hand, was resisting this wholeheartedly. Begging him to get as close to the alpha as he could. He’ll be ours soon enough his omega taunts him, just you wait.

Much to his omegas (and Alan’s) annoyance, Jeff goes back to ignoring the alpha. He keeps his head down, scurrying in and out of class without sparing a single glance at Alan. Even during class when Alan would look over, Jeff would avoid his gaze and only look back up when Alan had directed his attention elsewhere. Alan was losing his mind.

Two weeks before the semester ended, Alan was sitting at his desk, neck deep in grading assignments. Babe walks through the door, nose wrinkling at the heavy pheromones in the room. “God lung, what’s got you so stressed.”

Alan glares at Babe, laying his own down and leaning back in his chair. “Unlike some people, I have papers to grade. And more coming soon for finals. So, do you need something or can I get back to work ?”

“Not my fault you don’t teach a practical course” babe shrugs, walking further into the room and leaning on a desk in the front row.

“Someone has to teach the textbooks” Alan sighs. It’s always around this time he wishes he had Babe’s job, teaching practical, hands on classes in the on-campus garage. “Seriously though, did you need something ?”

“Yes, actually. I heard about your TA for next year.”

Alan furrows his brow, “Jeff ? Why, you were right. The kid’s going places.”

Babe nods, crossing his arms and leveling his gaze with Alan. “That’s true but… are you sure you know what you’re doing ?”

Babe’s delicate tone leaves Alan even more confused. “What do you mean? I’ve had TA’s for years and I think he would be great. A little quiet but that’s not a problem.”

Sighing, Babe looks down. “Lung, i'm going to be honest with you. Do you have any idea how you act around him ? You get nervous, you stare at him. God, I’m the only one that would notice but you push your pheromones out !”

“I don’t-“ Alan trails off, not sure how to defend himself.

“Look, it was fun to watch you get all flustered around him. If the circumstances were different I would absolutely be pushing you to ask him out. But… he’s your student, you know ? You just need to be careful.” Babe finishes, glancing back up at Alan to gauge his reaction.

Alan, though embarrassed for being called out, begins nodding. “No, no you’re absolutely right. I’ll keep myself in check, Babe, you don’t have to worry. Besides, Jeff has gone back to ignoring me so I don’t think there will be much of an issue.”

Babe nods, giving Alan an encouraging smile. “Good luck with the grading, lung. Let me know if you need anything.” Babe says before turning and walking out of the room. Leaving Alan to contemplate what he has gotten himself into.

The semester ends with no incident, both Alan and Jeff trying to keep their distance but neither handling it very well. Jeff spends more time with Charlie, desperately trying to push down his feelings despite a lingering feeling of sadness. Alan, on the other hand, is just frustrated.

He spent the last two weeks in an annoyed huff, everything seemingly setting him off. He tried his best, he really did, but each time he has to watch the omega hurry out of the classroom a piece of him is screaming to follow. To not let him go.

The second day of the summer vacation (neither Babe or Alan teach summer classes) Babe let’s himself into Alan’s house and immediately is smacked with rut pheromones.

“Shit” Babe curses, covering his mouth and nose with his hand. “Lung !” He shouts into the house, “Do you need anything ? I can drop it outside !”

A pained groan is heard from the other side of the house before Alan drags himself into view. He’s flushed, sweaty, and looks absolutely worse for wear.

“You look like death Lung” Babe says, scanning the alpha in front of him.

“I feel like it” Alan says from the top of the stairs, scrubbing his hand down his face and sighing. “I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard. It hasn’t been this bad since I presented.”

Alan gets himself together enough to relay a list of supplies he needed. Babe leaves quickly after getting the list, Alan’s heavy pheromones giving him a headache.

Alan makes his way back to his bedroom, peeling his sweaty t-shirt off before throwing himself on his bed. He’s overheating, fire-like arousal licking through his veins. He kicks his pants and underwear off, hand snaking down and grasping his cock.

“Fuck” Alan breaths out. He begins stroking himself, bringing his hand up to gather the precum leaking out of the tip to make the glide easier. He squeezes his eyes shut just trying to focus on the pleasure, bringing his other hand down to squeeze at the rapidly forming knot at the base of his cock.

As he gets closer to his release, his mind starts providing images of a faceless omega propped on his lap, back facing him as he bounced up and down on Alan’s cock. Alan groans at the image and speeds his hand up. “Just like that baby” he mutters, everything in him wishing the image was real.

The omega in his mind leans back, turning his head towards Alan and suddenly he realizes the image is of Jeff. A sob is forced out of Alan as he cums suddenly, Jeff’s name on his lips. He strokes himself through his orgasm, slowly coming back down to earth. When he realizes what he just did he groans, rolling over and shoving his face into his pillows, embarrassed enough to ignore the sticky release still on his stomach that’s now going to be on the sheets below him.

God Alan, he thinks to himself, what the fuck am I going to do.

Unbeknownst to the alpha, across town a very similar situation is occurring in Jeff’s apartment. He had called Charlie, panicked because his heat hit him early. For most people that wouldn’t be too strange, maybe a change in cycle, but Jeff had just gone through heat a month before.

When charlie got to the apartment to drop things off (Jeff had a tendency to not plan for heats and would surely starve himself to death if charlie didn’t deliver a bag of water and snacks each day) Jeff was curled up in bed. Crying.

“Woah, Jeff, are you okay?” Charlie said delicately, trying not to spook the omega.

“Hurts” Jeff wails out, clearly lost in his omega headspace, “need alpha.”

Charlie freezes. It doesn’t matter how many heats Jeff had gone through, he had never let himself slip fully into his omega headspace and he certainly has never asked for an alpha.

“Alpha ? Who’s…” charlie trails off, not expecting to get an answer from the clearly distressed omega (and if he’s being honest, unsure if he truly wants to know).

He waits a few moments before Jeff finally looks at him, eyes red with tears streaming down his face. “Alan” he sniffles, “please. I need alpha.”

Charlie just looks at him confused, not remembering anyone in their lives named Alan. But then it hits him. He had been helping Jeff with the TA application and had noticed the alphas name, Alan, printed at the bottom. Alan, the same alpha who was in Jeff’s vision from months ago.

“Fuck” Charlie cursed after putting the pieces together. “Jeff, bud I need you to listen to me” Charlie says, trying to figure out the most delicate way to put this. “Alan… can’t be here with you.”

This just distressed the omega more, a new round of tears begin falling as Jeff’s scent sours even more. The small omega buries himself further into his nest as sobs racked his body. Charlie sighs, knowing there’s nothing he can do to ease his brothers mind. He decides to leave the room and camp out in the living room. He doesn’t usually stay but Charlie doesn’t have the heart to leave him so distraught.

Jeff’s heat breaks 5 days later, substantially longer than any heat he's ever had. When he finally drags himself out of his bedroom he curls up on the couch next to Charlie. His eyes are still red, occasional tears escaping and dripping down his face. Charlie is worried to say this least.

“You okay?” He finally asks. Jeff refuses to look at him, just curling further in on himself while sniffling.

After a minute a quiet “no” is heard from Jeff, voice scratchy. A second passes before another round of sobs wracks Jeff’s body, “I don’t know what’s happening to me Charlie.”

Charlie hums, reaching a hand out to card his fingers through Jeff’s hair. The omega presses into the hand, desperate for any type of comfort he could get in the moment. “Let yourself cry, I’ll be here as long as you need.”

And Jeff does just that. He moves slightly to lay his head in his brother's lap and cries. “Why do I miss him” he manages to get out, “it feels wrong not having him around.”

“Alan?” Charlie asks, already knowing the answer. Jeff just nods, flipping over so he can bury his face in Charlie’s stomach. Charlie chooses not to press the topic and just comforts the small and broken omega in his lap.

The next day Jeff runs Charlie out of his apartment, wanting to be alone. The only reason Charlie agrees is an agreement that jeff would call that night to check in. Jeff curls up in bed as soon as Charlie leaves, his heart aching.

He would never admit this to Charlie but part of the reason his heat took so long to break this time was because he refused to do anything, touching himself feeling wrong even in the worst of it. He craved Alan in a way he had never experienced with anyone before, his omega set on the idea that either the alpha would be touching him or no one at all.

“God” he groans, rubbing his eyes, “next year is going to be rough.”

And rough it was. Up until the first day of class, Alan and Jeff had been communicating through email, both men managing to make up excuses to avoid seeing the other in person (and neither feeling strong enough to control themselves if they were to meet up alone).

Alan was nervously pacing in this classroom, chewing on his thumb and just trying to calm his nerves when Babe walks in. “Woah, lung calm down. Everything’s gonna be fine” he says, grabbing Alan by the shoulders and guiding him to his desk chair. Once the older man and sat down babe walks around the seat to perch himself on a desk in the front row.

Alan looks up at his best friend, contemplating how to explain the complicated flurry of anxiety and excitement he was feeling. “This is either going to go really well or really bad, babe.” He lands on, sighing and leaning back in his chair.

“Well, just don’t do anything stupid and it shouldn’t be an issue” babe shrugs, crossing his arms.

Alan glares at him, “I’m not going to-“

Alan is cutoff by the door opening, the small omega walking in with his head down. Alan’s breath hitches, okay, he thinks, this is it. When jeff finally looks up he looks straight at Alan, their eyes locking as causing jeff to freeze.

Babe, immediately noticing the fact that neither man was moving to speak, looked over at jeff, “how was your summer?”

Not realizing there was another person in the room, jeff jumps and whips his head around to babe, “oh umm, good. I guess.” he stammers out, glancing between both men in front of him.

Babe hums out a “good” before fixing Alan with a very pointed gaze, “alright lung. I’m going to head to the garage. Have a good first day”

Alan nods, eyes shifting to babe long enough to wish him the same before they settle back on Jeff. Babe rolls his eyes before making his way out of the classroom, already knowing damn well that Alan’s promise to not do anything stupid would really only last so long.

The click of the door closing behind babe seemed to shake Alan out of his trance, smiling at the omega. He quickly explains to Jeff what his day to day tasks would be before they both start working in silence, neither totally sure how to speak with the other.

They carry on like that for the first two months of the semester, dancing around each other and spending no more time than necessary together. Alan gets jeff to talk a little bit, learning about his brother Charlie and Jeff’s goals after graduation, but it never goes further than surface level. Both men feel a pull towards each other, their bodies and minds seemingly linked in a way neither fully understood.

When midterms hit they began working late, trying to get grading done and working on solidifying the curriculum for the last half of the semester. It was a random Tuesday when things changed. They were working late, clock showing 9pm with both men sitting across from each other in the classroom.

Alan groans, head hitting the desk as he closes his eyes, “why did I become a professor” he mutters.

“Because you’re good at at” jeff responds, shrugging. Alan’s head whips up, staring at jeff who is pointedly keeping his eyes on the work in front of him.

“Thank you” Alan breathes out, noticing a small smile forming on the youngers lips. Clearing his throat, Alan stands, “I’m going to go fill my water bottle. Do you need anything?”

“I’m okay” jeff says, looking up to smile at the man standing above him. Alan smiles back before leaning down and kissing the boy before turning and beginning to walk towards the door. It takes a moment for his exhausted mind to catch up to want he just did, freezing and turning back around immediately.

Jeff is staring at him with wide eyes, neither man totally sure what just happened. “Oh my god, Jeff, I’m so sorry” Alan starts stammering out, “I don’t know why I just did that. I’m so sorry.”

Alan’s brain is going a mile a minute, desperately trying to work out what the fuck just happened and why he did that. It was as if it was a habit, something easy that they just did despite decidedly being something they did not do. Jeff just continues looking at him, making no indication towards how he felt about the action.

“Jeff, please say something, I am so sorry.” As Alan continues stuttering out apologies Jeff stands, immediately shutting the man up. He walks forward, the alpha half expecting Jeff to smack him, which would be justified he thinks to himself.

Jeff stops right in front of Alan, looking up and examining his face. “Kiss me again” he says quietly.

“W-what?” Alan asks, eyes going wide.

“Kiss me again.” Jeff says with more finality behind it.

Alan is a strong man, he expected to be able to keep himself in check. But when an omega, no not just any omega, Jeff, his omega, is asking him for a kiss, who is he to say no ? Alan surges forward, capturing Jeff’s lips in a heated kiss and pulling him in by the waist.

At this point both men are giving into their instincts, neither Alan’s alpha or Jeff’s omega could stand being apart anymore. They stumble backwards towards Alan’s desk, the older man’s hands moving down to under Jeff’s ass and lifting him up and perching him on the edge of the desk.

Jeff spreads his legs, alan immediately taking the invitation and stepping between them to get closer. He pulls back for a moment and rests his forehead against Jeff’s, both men breathing heavily. Alan’s hands come up to rest on Jeff’s hips, rubbing small circles into the soft skin just under his shirt.

“Are you sure” he whispers, finally pulling back to look into Jeff’s eyes.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything” Jeff says sincerely, “please.” Just to make his point, Jeff wraps his legs around Alan’s waist and pulls him closer. The alpha moans with their groins make contact, the little bit of friction sending sparks up his spine. “I need you Alan, I don’t understand it but I need you in a way I’ve never needed anyone else.”

Alan leans down again and pecks Jeff’s lips before moving to mouth at the boys scent gland. “This can’t just be a one time thing” Alan says, still buried in the omegas neck, “god, I’ve never felt this way and if we’re going to do this I need you to promise me that.”

Jeff’s nods, hands flying up to grip Alan’s hair and leaning his head to the side giving him more access to his neck. “I promise” he whines out, “we can talk about it tomorrow but right now” Jeff trails off, pulling harder on the alphas hair, “right now I need you.” he finishes.

Alan groans, sucking harder at Jeff’s neck once he says that. His hands trail further up the omegas body, slowly lifting the shirt up before brushing his thumbs across Jeff’s nipples, drawing a shaky moan out of the boy underneath him.

Alan moves his mouth back up, kissing Jeff passionately as he continues toying with the boys chest. All is fine until they hear the door open, Alan jumps back, whipping around to see Babe standing in the doorway. His eyes are wide, never expecting to walk into a scene like this.

“What the fuck lung” babe sighs, not mad but definitely annoyed, “I told you not to do anything stupid.”

Jeff, face bright red and eyes cast towards the floor, slides himself off the desk. “It’s not his fault” Jeff mutters quietly.

Both men turn to look at the small omega, standing in front of the desk and wringing his hands together.

“I don’t care what y’all do, don’t worry about it, but you can’t do it here. Jesus Christ lung” babe says turning back to his best friend, “what if it was anyone else that walked in.”

Alan nods but says nothing, mind reeling with what just happened. Babe sighs, looking between the two men in front of him. “I came to tell you I was heading home lung. Whatever you choose to do is up to the both of you but…” babe pauses, concern clear in his voice, “just be careful” he lands on finally. Babe turns and leaves the classroom, leaving Alan and Jeff in an uncomfortable silence.

Alan turns to look at Jeff, unsure how to proceed in such a situation. Jeff meets his eyes, a look of determination behind them before he walks back up to Alan and leans up to give him a quick kiss. “Let’s go to your place, lung.”

Alan’s breath hitches, nodding quickly before gathering his things, holding the door open for Jeff. The small omega chuckles at the alphas eagerness before they make their way to the parking lot, both men excited and nervous for the promise of what was to come.

[mooseyspooky]

Why do you think Morrissey has been acting like this lately? Is it because Marr turn down a reunion? I don't think he only wanted the reunion for the money. I also feel like Morrissey feels irrelevant and forgotten and thought that maybe a reunion might give a new life to his career

Darren asked me about this yesterday, and I wrote a whole essay about it. I think just copying it here will be a good answer to this.

Darren: How are we feeling about the moz and Johnny news

Me: Pretty indifferent. Same shit another day. I mean they survived the court case and banged all the way through the early to mid 2000s to 2009

Moz having a tantrum is nothing new

I was very sad to hear Johnny said no to a reunion

But it's not like I don't get it

Andy passed last year

Johnny wanted Moz back in 2008 and Moz ghosted him after promising he was totally on board

Moz didn't show up for the 2006 fundraiser concert for Andy's dad's cancer

Which is pretty ruthless

Moz clearly hasnt opened a single email Johnny sent him since 2018 when Johnny filed the trademark and tried to get him to cosign

Which is insane because Johnny did it specifically to stop Mike Joyce (the Classically Smiths venture that he tried roping Andy into, though Andy backed out at the last minute. Some say because of his cancer, but I'm sure Johnny being so pissed off about it he got lawyers involved was also a part of it)

Which is literally something Moz should be gagging to do at all times 24/7

And meanwhile nothing

And then Johnny continued to try, even sending the paperwork again this year in January and nothing

So i mean why would Johnny want a reunion

Moz wants it to happen a year after Andy is buried, it's too late

Does it hurt I don't get to see them together on stage ever, yes, but I'm not like

Demented

If I was Johnny I'd be so fucking tired

Like beyond exhausted

Sharing a stage with him?

Putting up with him on tour?

Moz canceled over 50% of shows last year

No explanation, sometimes on the _day of_

Just wouldn't do them

I mean Johnny won't cancel a show if his grandma dies

Moz just

Cancels cause it's a slightly breezy day out and that offends him

Yes I love Moz, I am his ride or die, I will go to my grave obsessed with him and everything about him

But I am aware and understanding he is extremely fickle and can be very stupid

This is all happened, literally all of it, cause Johnny made very light fun of him on Twitter

Like barely a joke

Johnny saw some popular girl on Twitter who is a super fan

Saw she mentioned a reunion

Didn't tag him

And Johnny posted a picture of a far right dude in England that Moz protested the treatment of in prison one time like- i don't know. 7 years ago

They put the guy in a prison where he was at high risk, and Moz made a slight offhanded comment saying it was cruel

So now here we are, with Johnny posting a picture of a guy

To a Smiths super fan

Who didn't tag him

Who mentioned a reunion

Because she saw Oasis get back together

And Moz got _so upset_

He decided to throw an absolute shit fit

And now Johnny has to be like literally can you calm down

And in some ways I understand both sides

Moz just

His sort of...recurring thing

Is that he really really hates when Johnny won't stick up for him

Or when Johnny is quiet when people are dog piling on him

Johnny did that a lot in the 90s

During the NME smear campaign, for instance, and the court case

And it really broke Moz up

Like, and I can imagine it did hurt

To be so close and so in love and meanwhile Johnny won't do anything. Just sit there and refuse to say anything

That's probably heartbreaking

Especially with Moz being so. Like. Blindly in belief that Johnny is forever innocent, forever perfect ("the always innocent young cabin boy")

There is no flaw

But Johnny is a human being, too, who has a lot going on

And to then see Johnny, here in 2024, once again. After 30 years not stand up for him

But instead making teasing posts on Twitter

Even if they're not cruel

I could see it causing Moz to have a meltdown

Should he be? At 65? No. He should be over it

But he's not

He still wants Johnny to love him, to defend him

And so yes he did have a total split from sanity for a bit but at the end of the day. I think the underlining thing is is that it stems from Moz being so deeply infatuated with his first love that he can't stand even the slightest notion Johnny isn't still as infatuated with him

Johnny was able to move on, to continue to keep his marriage, he was able to maintain friendships and have a lot of normal stuff that Moz couldn't because autism

Undiagnosed unrecognized autism but all the same

Moz is still, in his mind, deeply entrenched in the belief that Johnny is perfect and slight diversions from that cause major malfunctions

Moz clearly doesn't give a shit about the trademark thing. He's ignored it since 2018. Moz has talked about loathing albums being repackaged (Paint a Vulgar Picture), so clearly the greatest hits thing doesn't really bother him

Moz wanting a reunion, sure. Okay. Maybe that stung but my god he had to expect it

So what does Moz care about?

Johnny

That's it. Period.

He wants Johnny to love him and be obsessed with him forever, and that's the long and the short of it so.

[quietbluejay]

The Buried Dagger 1

OKAY mortarion time ….i forgot this was the book with purple prose and i had to go back in terror to make sure I didn't accidentally buy a McNeill novel again i did not, this is thankfully (?) someone else

I'm trying to figure out what about this pushes it into "Wow Edgy" rather than being genuinely compelling well actually this isn't too bad, to be honest, it's really the next bit which is that the population of ynyx (and WHAT a name) doesn't have mouths "the cold ember of his familiar, obdurate resentment" I feel like I'm being unfair to the book by feeling bathos instead of pathos but i think it's that everything is so over the top

wait what year was this written Mortarion is literally breathing in the chemicals 2019 I'm now going to suffer from the belief that the writer of this was listening to Radioactive (due to this plus some other things) and now I've got it stuck in my head

i want to take this seriously but i just can't, I'm sorry no one understands meeeeeeeee owo uncomfortable memory surfaces

i will say this, the prose is quite evocative

ok so mort has a giant chip on his shoulder and is an enormous misanthrope but just about every single person who has ever been in a position of authority over him DOES just use him as a tool

boy did he choose the wrong side of the war

tumblr has poisoned my mind regarding "the horrors" so it feels like "every day mortarion gets emails" mortarion: hm maybe i should get rid of the daemon and also all the stuff i used to summon him and go back to normal warfare

holy shit holy shit he really is his father's son also hey uhhh mortarion do you remember that whole slippery slope speech you gave at Nikaea about literally this exact topic

the irony is killing me you're killing me, Reaper of Men, and I'm not even a man the manreaper of….justice (????) is unisex oh yeah i forgot to bring it up but Mort calling Magnus an "arrogant braggant" fills my salty soul with glee

morty continues to try out for that fantasy villain role i think i'm warming up to the prose though

im breathing in the chemicals- im breathing in the chemicals- im breathing in the chemicals-

i think swallow's cd kept skipping while he wrote this

this is the third time he's breathed in the chemicals

it's totally not a ritual, honest! okay, this is a cool fight scene mortarion can be cool in a fight, as a treat

lmao

yes. this is funny to me. Mortarion is just so done with this whole thing Mort: why did i get sent on this sidequest rip typhon killstealing

mortarion would really like to be starring in a different genre oh no cursed idea my thought was "what genre would be funniest to put him in" which was followed by "this is our get-along harem protagonist" but it's mort and rob idk at the end of godblight they got yeeted my next thought was magical girl anime he's the dark magical girl's mascot creature he is having friendship! just hdu call him and the magical girl friends

typhon plotting out how to ambush mortarion with a hug

uhhhhhh

typhon: yeahhhh better not bring up the Fallen honestly typhon feels like one of the most intelligent characters in the series! ….huh why weren't the dark angels at Terra

dude and then typhon internally cackles evilly like a kids show villain everything is going according to keikaku does your brain on nurgle turn you into snidely whiplash?

Mortarion what the heck

normal behaviour to go along with the poison drinking or breathing in the chemicals and breathing in the chemicals- and breathing in the okay i'll stop

literally everyone on the ship is choking but typhon that was fast owo flashback time

okay so his evil dad (the first one) sent him out with golems to fight other golem things from other evil overlords as a test of some kind this is just his entire life, huh

oh lovely like wow the only reason mortarion's alive is that he's a primarch the abuse is kind of getting to ridiculous angst-fic levels and yet the way it's written is genuinely compelling? probably because he's not actually a normal human so it is survivable and not ridiculous but it is kind of walking on that line thrown to starving dogs when he was a toddler like

this really is his entire life huh

annnnd also Necare experimented on him with poison what next did necare give him a dog and then kill the dog in front of him we're starting to get into bathos here

the last bit of this scene is, yeahh

a bit. on the overwrought side.

The book is tap dancing on the line which is to be honest, making me sad i really want this to be good :/

if it's going to go all the way into goofy, i want it to go all the way so i can mock it if it's going to be half hard hitting and half goofy it feels like im pulling back to punch a small child this book also unfortunately has some kind of subplot on earth with a bunch of rando characters and also, unfortunately, Garro

oh this is i guess foreshadowing for what's going to happen to the death guard? so garro's friend got hit by an evil knife and unlike guilliman he did not have plot armour

so garro is working with a bunch of other dudes who defected from the traitor legions secretly working for malcador oh, and a psyker ultramarine

oh wait psyker ultramarine met garro on calth??? what??? how did he get to calth and back what is a timeline (i should be fair and stop banging on about this since i have not actually read the relevant books. at least I assume this has to be covered in a book I didn't read)

oh yeah sure let's undress the catatonic chained up woman oh she's a sister of silence my beloved

okay so context she had her name and serial number tattooed under her collarbone so. i guess that was more important??? apparently??? they did not take off the chains they just snapped them off of the wall and basically pushed her to start walking you couldn't just. pick her up??? wouldn't that be faster?? okay this was funny malcador sends an illusion of himself across the planet

I'm rolling my eyes

this is the guy running the imperium

does he have nothing better to do also why give them the job in the first place if he's not going to trust them not to "creatively reinterpret" his commands

oh we're back with Teen Mort and he keeps a diary ohhh a bunch of humans are rebelling and attacking

oh it's Teen Typhon meeting Teen Mort

psychic powers time

this is not the time to get angsty also he is kind of a grimdark rapunzel huh

back in the present and apparently mort broods a lot in his room and if you interrupt him he yells at you because of course he does you're interrupting his linkin park listening bluejay note: i love linkin park so i am allowed to make this joke annnd typhon is setting up the navigators on the ship to take the blame oh he just killed them all that was fast and now they're all trapped blind in the warp and typhon is being obviously evil and according to keikaku which is visible to everyone but Mort well tbf to Mort, he's very angry at Typhon for killing the navigators so he's probably missing stuff

typhon: this lifeboat is full of leeches just trust me typhon: throws it overboard

back in the past, Mort successfully rescues the spunky teens but his dad is coming so he tells them to get out while they can and then has his disney princess song realization that it's time to stand up for himself and he'd do it all again! and face his dad! and dieeeee okay the last bit isn't disney princess …ah

ah mort: wait, that's an option??? rip his hair is getting in his eyes i hate when that happens

okay this is a cheesy line but it's working here

okay i made the joke before about mortarion being the kind of guy who likes to stand on cliffs/balcony edges and look down but i DIDNT KNOW IT WAS LITERALY DONT STARE INTO THE WARP YOU IDIOT

i. oh boy we get to see an emperor-mort interaction

i think the emperor is….actually trying here? but what the emperor is trying to say here is not what mort took from it

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

well, new knowledge acquired.

this makes way too much fucking sense, and why I have this stupid ass uh code switching god the code switches.

I am fluent in the old ways, I know how to do shit the old way. but man you can LITERALLY feel the difference and disconnect, I like talking with you guys online because well. You understand it, my friends almost understand what I mean. But yeah it’s weird.

I’m not a digital native first gen, I didn’t get on til the mid and late 2000s. And then the old web had basically was gone.

so new disconnect between old gen digital natives and new internet natives, like different again.

personally I prefer old digital native shit, I like the vibes and the culture since I grew up in the last hurrah of the old web.

new web is weird, I only know what I know because I LITERALLY grew up on here.

a computer and a mouse or a touchscreen and my wits are as natural to me as walking, which is weird.

sometimes the culture slips in and I reference shit that makes no sense and people look at me funny.

I so desperately want to indulge in basically the stories and shit of my childhood, but it doesn’t make much sense.

It’s all pretty crude and unsettling, and like I don’t “behave” right.

like boo, lemme be super weird and happy about being in the internet.

I know most think that it not important or something but shit the culture on here is my culture, it doesn’t matter where the fuck we live we speak the same shit.

even if it’s not the same language, it’s weird.

I bite my tongue even though I shouldn’t lol, I don’t say things how I normally do because it’s so “strange” to people.

yeah I sound like a walking YouTube video sometimes!

How the fuck else am I supposed to talk? I was literally raised there I was raised on here it’s my fucking blood.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next couple decades what new cultural practices will appear for us internet natives.

will we inherit our parents social media and or email accounts?

what will be considered normal for us, are our internet accents and dialects going to diverge into their own languages?

what’s going to happen to the digital natives who grew and lived on social media’s that died? What sort of culture do we leave behind?

I already am learning so so much about tumblr I ain’t a tumblrina though, YouTuber over here.

what the fuck is the future going to be like, we are 2 generations deep now in the budding internet culture and history.

we might as well be our own thing, which is weird.

I have adjusted so well to tumblr because well Tumblr and YouTube are so similar, the culture is so different and the language and accents and history are too.

but it’s weird, because well I feel happy and welcomed here.

some of us settle down into our own little cultures and lives and fuck it’s weird.

we are literally dubbed with our own new names, and you can tell where people hail from.

some people speak so strongly internet accented, we are genuinely a generation or 2 away from our own internet dialects becoming languages.

why do you guys think you don’t here skibidi and rizz and “REAL” on here?

I’m literally just straight up speaking YouTube, I have been my whole life. whatever the fuck this means for me, I don’t sound like a tumblrina I won’t ever. I can’t get it right, but man we literally are diverging our own languages at this rate.

[neon-green-reagent]

You don't have to read this. I'm just having a rough time. A health and money rough time, which is such a double whammy, and I just had to get it out.

It feels like this was entirely out of nowhere, but I guess it wasn't. I've had hip pain for a while now. It's on and off. Like it would get aggravated, then heal, then aggravated again. I finally got an answer about that. I have old age problems. In my spine mostly. One of those things most Tumblr users truly won't understand and will go pale over as they sit comfortably in their 20s and 30s.

And like okay. Fine. My spine's melting slowly over time. That happens to lots of people. My age is usually when it starts. But also it suddenly hurts a lot. In the last two weeks, it got way worse all at once. I bent over, something wrenched, and since then I've been kinda fucked. The MRI showed that whole spine melting thing, which is supposed to be gradual, but also a bulging disc, and that's probably what I did right there. I slipped something out of place.

So the problem is... All this test taking happened because I had some blood tests that made it look like I had an autoimmune disease. So I went to the specialist you see for that: a rheumatologist. She ruled out basically everything, and when my MRI came back, she said welp! That's not my field! And waved goodbye and offered me nothing beyond that.

I went to a spine specialist, and they offered options. All of which were vaguely scary. Take a pill everyday. Get a shot in your back. Get physical therapy. So I said can I get some physical therapy? And they said yes. That's happening in about two and a half weeks. The problem is, since I made this decision, the back pain has flared to a new level.

Now when I get done with a day of work, no matter how low impact it was, I'm in pain. Two ibuprofen? What are you, NINE? No, we need at least four at a time. My already terrible GI tract is really hating this, by the way. Last night, for the first time, the pain woke me. I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't lie in any position that didn't hurt. I was EXHAUSTED and couldn't sleep because the pain was too much.

So now I've stayed home from work, icing my back, taking four ibuprofen at a time, getting emails from my supervisor, still in pain, looking at a future with possible surgery in it and wondering you know... What happens if I can't walk? What happens if the pain won't stop and I can't sleep? How will I afford these procedures and specialists?

Because wanna know the other thing that happened? My car died. I had to replace it in a rather emergency fashion. So that was pretty much all the money I had saved up and a new car payment hanging over my head. My health insurance is... not the worst but far from the best. That MRI was covered by most of it, but I still have to pay a portion. So I may not be able to get the care I need at this point.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed and alone. Everyone in my immediate family has passed away. Everyone in my extended family is not interested in helping me out and are hyper religious to boot and do NOT know certain things about me. Keeping them at a distance is for the best. Everyone around me is getting their ass thoroughly kicked by inflation. There's not a lot of hope here. I'm trying very hard not to look at this pain as "this is my life now", where I can't sit for more than 15 minutes at a time and can barely sleep. But, hell, it might be.

The hopeful part... I'm trying to get my general doctor to fill out some paperwork that will make work easier on a lot of levels until I can figure out what I'm doing. So, you know, when I call in my supervisor can't email me and make me feel like shit, that sort of thing. And the physical therapy I'll be getting truly is the most highly recommended first course of action when dealing with something like this. But I sort of wish that specialist hadn't brushed me off after I just received a pretty scary test result. Because now I feel ignored and alone. And I really wish my car had made it a few more months, because now I'm broke, too.

TLDR: I'm broke, my back hurts, and it all sucks.

[kingsofeverything]

Hiiiiiiii - don’t mind my spam liking and reblogging of everything in your TSHU tag on your blog askshajdkfhs hahah but I obviously just finished reading (after binging the whole fic in less than 24 hours while I’ve been home sick from work)

BUT HOLY SHIT! That was an absolutely mind blowing, incredible fic. I’ve read quite a bit of your work lately (finished heading for limbo a few weeks ago and late night talking probably like a month or so ago) and I’m obsessed with all of your work! Can’t wait to keep reading more!

The story and plot and emotions and relationships were so dynamic and complex all throughout and I was constantly on the edge of my seat unable to stop reading because every turn there was some new revelation that made me gasp. Such a clever clever story and way to fucking knock it out of the park on the timetravel and loops, my brain was working overtime when the pieces of the puzzle all started to come together. It was fun trying to keep up and figure it all out while reading and simultaneously freaking out about whether or not everything was completely different because his messed up time hop changed it or if it was like that before the time hop and then trying to wrap my brain around the idea if zayn purposely messed up the time hop for him so that this all would continue happening on an endless loop!?!? Talk about my brain being on overdrive lmao but I loved every second of it!

Also I can totally understand why you never wrote a sequel time stamp because I agree, having to read through the hurt and agony that harry would have gone through during those five years would have been so depressing even though we know how it ends, but the little emails were cute!!

Here’s my two cents (you can totally disregard) on a potential sequel if you ever wanted to write one *cough cough* now that um, ahem, it’s 2023…. And the sequel could pick up right from when Louis returns in 2023 and they reunite and then figure out their life going forward from there and how they’ve changed being apart from each other? Idk just a thought 😘

But thank you again for this gorgeous fic! You are so so incredibly talented! Mwah 💋

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :)

i keep meaning to respond but mannnn i haven't had the brain space for making words lately.

thank you for liking/reblogging all those posts! thank you for sending this ask! and thank you for understanding where i'm coming from w/r/t that sort of sequel.

i'm so glad you liked tshu and hfl! i hope you like my other fics. i miss writing! i wish i was writing! i have so many feelings about writing right now and i just can't put them into words. but i did want to respond to your ask and say thanks for making me incredibly happy every time ive read this ask since you sent it!

[diaryofawhimsicalmaniac]

September 1st, 2024 [2:34 AM]

A friend had asked for my help with her resume. I had many friends resumes before, and frankly I enjoy the editing process. I know how to bullshit and make things sound fancy like I know what I'm talking about. Not lying on paper but certain words can make someone stand out and really highlight their experience and skills. I'm better at doing that for people than for myself. I have a solid friend group at this stage of my life and I am confident in their skills and capabilities. I want nothing more for them to shine and pursue the life they desire for themselves. I'm so happy to know such amazing and loving people...and more importantly I'm grateful for having these people who love me whole heartly and truly support me. Even despite my annoyances and flaws, they know who I am and how I operate.

When my friend sent me an old copy of her resume, I simply downloaded it and when I got the chance to work on after work. I just finished it now and when I was going to send, I actually read her previous email, and it stated that she needed it that night...which was yesterday. Whoops. I sent it to her anyways because regardless I know she could use the new revised resume. For a moment I felt bad that I didn't read her email correctly however I know that there was only so much I could do on my own time. Homegirl and I talked about me helping her a week or so prior... but we tend to both leave things to the last minute. One of the many quirks we share and have a mutual understanding about each other. In the past, I would have been guilt ridden...beating myself up for not doing all that I could have for a friend. Overlooking their responsibility in their own matter and shouldering the blame. Or the worst part...younger me possibly wouldn't have even followed thru to help at all...I would have been in my mind, not acknowledge my capabilities and panic about not doing things correctly and face rejection...so instead of trying and put my best efforts forward, I would have ignored the texts and situation all together. Pretend I never got the message...

I would let my insecurities get the best of me and out of stress, I would detached myself. I did this often when I was younger...it didn't make me a good friend or reliable person..

I was highly aware of this

it torn me apart

I was reminded of all these feeling when I was helping my friend. We had we worked together on her resume a few years before, and I had just came across a saved copy recently on my computer! So I had looked thru several thumb drives and folders to find it. Came across files that I had saved from college when I was 19/20 years old. Photography and Philosophy essays, word docs with links to YouTube videos and Tumblr pages that don't exist anymore. Fanfiction idea pages. Still pretty solid story ideas if I do say so myself. Among these docs were journal entries that I wrote to myself...some were reflections of the year and what I did, what goals I didn't reach for myself or even where I had traveled to that year. It was such a time capsule to see where I was at that time and what I doing...or how I was feeling...

There was one file in particular that was rather...I don't know how I would categorize it...Sad? Concerning? Insightful??

Eye Opening and Depressing for sure tho...

It was a letter I wrote to myself when I was 20. I forgot how much I hated myself...how unhappy with the person I was. The language I used towards myself really reflected how much pain I was in...I had this grand vision of the type of person I wanted to be however my insecurities and coping mechanisms were playing their part in my self-sabotage. I was disgusted with what I saw in the mirror and was no near of the type of person I wanted to be... When I talk about my early 20's, I refer it to a dark time of my life...a period of being stagnant and unhappy. Heavy shit...my mental now is lighter in comparison to how I was back then.

Perseverance, Boundaries, Faith, Good Friends and Weed really does make a difference.

Currently, I am 30 years old.

I am happy with the person I've become. I still have a version of myself in my head that I make comparisons to but I'm better at reminding myself to enjoy the person that currently exists. It helps that I have my friends who I tend to and they in return tend to me. Healthy boundaries with myself and others and acceptance for my flaws and the motivation to continue to grow and thrive. I don't wish to live my life in dread anymore, I'm living my life and I am here to enjoy the journey for as long as I'm able to.

I hope my friend gets that job she wants. Her resume is quite impressive...if I do say so myself

.

[libertyreads]

Book Review #31 of 2024--

Icon and Inferno by Marie Lu. Rating: 3.75 stars.

Read from May 10th to 13th.

Before I get into the review, a quick thank you to NetGalley and the publishers over at Macmillan Children's Publishing Group for allowing me access to this ARC in exchange for an honest review. I was so excited when I got the approval email for this one. Icon and Inferno is the second book in the Stars and Smoke series which follows a spy and an international pop star. Sydney Cossette and Winter Young were thrown together for a mission last year and a lot of stuff went sideways. Which is what made it so surprising for Winter when Sydney strolled back into his life with another mission that needs his fame to get her into the game. Can they team up again and prevent an all-out war from breaking out? Icon and Inferno is set to release on June 11th and is available for pre-order now.

There is something in this world that I would keep coming back for a thousand times over. I love getting to see the world of glitz and glamor of Winter Young but I also love seeing the things that hide in the shadows with Sydney Cossette. The juxtaposition of these two worlds and seeing them overlap is wonderful and so delightful to read again and again. I think the author manages to find a way to take this world and these characters that are so fantastical and ground them in reality. The action is fast paced and keeps the story moving. The characterization draws you in to the whole, well rounded people who have such full and interesting stories. This could be such a long series and the set up being what it is would draw me in time and again. I also really love the way the romance is played out in this one. We got a small glimpse of it last time and in this one it was so swoon worthy for me. Toward the end of the novel, there's a moment between Sydney and Winter that made my heart feel like it was going to explode. It was so soft and sweet and yet the angst. My dude. Keep this shit coming. I'm so here for it.

I struggled with this one in a similar way that I struggled with the first one: in that I needed more. It's wrong (and frankly should be illegal) for this book to be under 350 pages. I think more description during the action or for settings would help ground the reader into the world better. I also just want more of this world and EVERYTHING between Sydney and Winter. The side characters in this one took a bit more of a backseat in this one just because of the scope of the plot. I understand it, that doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't know that there's anywhere to go from here as far as similar novels. I think the first two being missions for Sydney and Winter to go on made sense. I think with how this one went down it would be hard to do another one. But I could be wrong. There's still an opening there for another story with Sydney and Winter. I just think them going on a mission together wouldn't make sense.

Overall, this was so much fun to read and I loved seeing the foreshadowing throughout the novel. I think this is a great series for fans of Marie Lu or any reader who wants a little more spies in their novels.

[terrifickid]

ya,

spectacularly horrible outcome.

uh, it just feels like for the last 5 years - every week is another new disaster. no matter all the solutions I come up with, somehow they improbably completely fail. I just can't get a break. Like I'm cursed or something.

So I guess it's like maybe the feeling of being beaten to death? It's like, at some point that's really it.

Well I'm mostly tired of other people not listening to me. Telling me everything is fine and sending me invoices and shit.

And I'm tired of people saying hello to me. And tired of being bored and horrified by.. well the whole planet?

Like, eventually you tire out and drown...

So ya, definitely a new etiquette. Like, I guess everyone is fine with that and doesn't want to address it or change anything or consider the consequences. I guess everybody else is fine but I won't live. And so, it's wierd people come up to me and are like, 'how are ya?' - I don't want to have that conversation or any conversation.

"Oh well you're all killing me", "Hmm, what what do you mean? Am I?"

It be cool if I could just be euthanized at least but it's like, nah, send over the paperwork - we'll review it. half those places are cons anyway. It's like being in a nightmare.

So, at the suicide point It'll just be pretty clear that probably any attempt I'd make would fail since what do I know about that.. So I guess I'll just sit there and eventually wind up in jail I guess... and then at that point crazy shit will happen and I probably won't get out.

Pretty brutal, it just feels like no escaping my mother. Like I managed to live a cool life for about 20 years but with that over I just fall back into like, target world which I can't do.

And with no way to die.

I don't know what will happen to me. I imagine I'll become a demon of complete hatred and violence. I don't think I'll like cave and see things people's way.

life in solitary confinement? I don't think I'd eat.

Think they'd force feed me? That's so wierd to think about.

Why would you lock a person up in a cell for life and force feed them?

I'm not gone, but I'm over people. they won't leave me alone though and I don't know how to die.

ya, I was thinking about that. Maybe I can hobble around and just drift from soup kitchen to soup kitchen...

so strange.

I don't feel sad about my life, I'm not angry or regretful. I feel sad like the sadness of leaving someone. I just don't care anymore. About the whole planetary civilization. Like when they call you and you just don't want to answer.

ya maybe starve to death. wander off into a vast mountain range. get eaten by a puma.

Here it is,

sounds fine: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminal_dehydration#:~:text=Those%20who%20die%20by%20terminal,is%20reported%20as%20%22thirst%22.

hey whoa that would actually work. wierdly it says thats the shugendo way monks continued on... Hmm,

Well thats a sweet find. I can meditate for 4 days without drinking water and pass out. I can totally do that. Up in the hills.. I emailed dignitas and told'em the plan.

Ok that's one issue solved.

As I see it, I've got to accumulate bitcoin - that could solve the long-term financial issue. Then I just need to deal with my immediate needs. Should have realized this earlier.

Even still, what I would do with 200B I have no idea. I'd still have to go home at night. Will see where this leads.

Some persons I know says we all die in April. I dunno, so far I'm on course to dying just like I thought, shit that should have worked inexplicably broke down wasn't able to find any support and I've just found a way to die on my own.

Oh and it's literally sokushinbutsu

no I don't think I'd do that in japan would I? Nor hawaii? I have no idea where. I said I'd stay present and I will. I said I feel like I'm dying soon and so I don't understand what people are expecting from me.

Ya I'm completely exhausted and out of ideas on my future. I hated every day of my life and it's only been torment. Except for like a few good burgers and a cool drive once. That I always had an incurable illness which was the cause of it all just takes the cake. And now what grow old an die during hell future?

Well I think I'll be guided there. Looks pretty clear like I'm dying like I fucking said gd you people.

Maybe I understand why this all happened like this.

It's just like that vision of my death. We'll just sink into it.

Ya I've generally sensed I go to hawaii and come back. But just today it's feeling like maybe I'm starting to exit my body. If I die before hawaii which is in may, than it won't be from my doing.

I saved 1 dog. better than suicide.

[rickbarooah]

Thinking about the future

Most of the images on my Substack are made by AI. But for this one, I, myself, made the images. I would be glad to know if you like these, or should I go back to using an AI to generate the graphics?

There is also a short story, the young and the old at the end. You know about this if you are following me on Notes. You can skip to that if you don’t wanna read all this.

Start of the article

“I am nothing but I must be everything” — Critique of Hegel’s philosophy of right, Karl Marx

I’ve been working harder than ever on my work, but there is still a decrease in the posting frequency, and that’s because I’ve also been sending articles to many newspapers and ending up with rejection emails. Don’t quit reading, now that you know this.

Now, freelancing is the only visible option, working on getting started (Making sample articles, reading and taking courses on copywriting, figuring out how all this works). At times like this, everything seems elusive.

Also trying out graphics designing, the images in this post are the outcome of that, to open the possibility of earning something that way. I’m not good at it.

I made a serious projects section on Substack to put projects that I’ve spent days working on and cover important issues. Also getting some critiques on my writings on Critique Circle.

All this is happening when the open rate of my emails is hitting an all-time low. This feels like I’m making reverse progress while working hard.

Nothing in the world matters, if we think about the universe as a whole. I don’t know if you are religious, you might think it’s a part of a big plan. I don’t believe in any of that. Truth matters to me more than self-satisfaction. But, I’m not judging you if you differ.

Thinking about absurdism lately. I’m at least not a nihilist anymore. Thinking about the novel, The Stranger by Albert Camus. In the voice of Meursault, nothing matters. It’s resonating in my life.

But that doesn’t mean I’ll give up. In the previous post, the bitter phase of life was based on it. You may read it if you want to know more (It was updated after the email was sent).

A quick recap of the part we need today: The protagonist wants to live in a place of peace, away from the chaos of the urban world. His/her dreams have changed from achieving things to having a life he/she wants.

Important conclusions for this article: (changing perspective from the protagonist to me) I don’t want to make a lot of money. just enough to change the way I live now. I want more freedom, peace, calmness.

Nothing really matters, so we can give importance to things that we think matter to us. I have an article written on this. I’ll publish it soon, by the end of next week. It might make everything feel better.

This is all good and easy to say until you factor in that you are not the only one living in this world. There are many living piles of shit around who are constantly trying to ruin your day. Getting depressed is also a thing. I have feelings that no one understands. No one listens. Maybe because of all the superficial things I do which I don’t mean to.

I act in a way I don’t want to. The problems I have are unheard of by most and can drown me down in the dark thoughts of nihilism, meaninglessness, suicide, self-doubt, self-regret, shame, etc.

There are moments where everyone is wrong but no one acknowledges it. They talk with a bias filter on top of their vocal cords.

I get mad. Sometimes people don’t see the human inside the skin and treat others like a bunch of words moulded into a moving skeleton. I don’t like seeing that happen to others. I cry when it happens to me.

Freaking doesn’t help.

When I started, all my writings could be summarised into eighteen words, “a person freaking out on the internet like a child cause he/she doesn’t have anyone to talk to.” But that has changed. Maybe not enough; you can put this post in the same category if you wish to. I made the serious projects section to list projects that can truly add value to someone’s life. That’s part of the reason why this is not there even though I spend days working on it.

The truth is: no one wants to read you freaking out. They are my problems, nobody else gives a fuck about them.

No matter how many spicks of motivation I get, seeing the dashboard brings me down on my knees in an instant.

Nothing is driving me except an internal rebellion fueled by everything around me. It’s a rebellion against the world order, pre-determined paths of success, and the conventional definition of happiness. Making money doesn’t make you happy, but you need to have some to set free and find yourself out in the world.

Every day, all I end up saying is: I’ll try, what else can I do? Yet, a question always remains at the back of my mind: What’s the use of this all? — This question may not affect the way I’m going to live life, but it has certainly, changed the way I see life forever.

Ending here.

—

—

Something else

There are times when everyone is wrong in something, but instead of seeing that we make up our minds on who is right based on our biases. Below is a short story where an old man and a young boy are thinking while passing each other in an alley, neither is right but it’s still easy to decide who is right.

An old man walks with creases on his face, expanding and overlapping with each step. The creases expand to an extent that you can make out the shape of his face, this makes him look angry. Angry because none of those young souls can listen to what’s right.

A boy feeling no better than an ant stuck at a pond is walking in the same alley, opposite direction. Thinking of all the things that were off, cursing everyone in his mind, “There’s no use of regret once I’m a walking dead man.” He’s angry too, but there are no creases on his face.

Seeing through his thick eyelids, the man sees a spoiled kid - angry and doesn’t seem to give a fuck about him. He stops abruptly, his movements make the boy stop too. Looked into each other’s eyes for a second and moved on.

[myaquariusheart]

You by Caroline Kepnes

Joe Goldberg, what a man. So I'm going to write about my feelings about the book and some comparisons with the series. You made me obsessed with a series that have inner monologues that narrate the show. I think it's best when you can see the character acting and also hear what they're thinking. It makes you understand their decisions and reasoning for certain actions and why they do what they do. Chapter 1 is a classic opening and it's amazing I can't fault it, it's when he first sees Beck and I know this may be tapped but I wonder if any guy thinks about me like that with our interactions. You can see already how fascinated he is with her and I love how he talks to her in his head, it's sweet but of course, meant to come across as creepy. In the book, I find it more realistic how Beck and Joe's relationship is rocky and they're not together as much as they were in the series. I think the book really shows how emotionally unavailable Back really was and how Joe is obsessed with her, he literally dealt with her absence well for someone whos a psycho. Also, what's up with Beck and emails? Who even emails. I don't understand why that was even a thing and was even a character trait of hers. She's obsessed with posting things online yet she rarely texts anyone. Anyway Beck is a loser and she wasn't that interesting anyway but maybe I'm being a hater because Love was my favorite love interest of Joe's. Joe was more harsh and scary in the book, even though I was imagining Penn the whole time it was kinda hard for me to read half the stuff he was saying. The sexual element was exciting but also too much at times but its Joe's thoughts and I found them funny and scary at the same time. I wonder what book Joe looks like because there wasn't too much description of what he looked like but I wish there was some sort of description of him. Penn is the perfect Joe but I wonder who else could fit the role? I just know he's handsome and it's acknowledged a lot in the book by others. He did bag Beck and Amy and omg how could I forget Karen MINTY? I loved Karen from the series but I also enjoyed her in the book too. She had a lot of character and was less sweet and wholesome than the series Karen. Book Karen was wild, the complete opposite of Joe and Beck. She was cool and he spoke of her disgustingly tbh. Benji I don't care too much for him, I never have for me he's irrelevant but I get why he's there. Everyone has a Benji. The guy who lies and manipulates the relationship when he doesn't even give a shit about you really. It made her more human and relatable to have a Benji. Nicky was also so much more interesting in the book. In the series, I didn't understand Joe's hate for him that much and didn't understand who Nicky was. I loved when Joe had access to the tapes and he read them all, it allowed me to understand his and Becks' relationship so much more because in the series it was a bit random and just plopped there and it never made sense to me how they even started to like each other. There was also a few chapters where Joe was following Nicky, seeing how he lived, and even tried to kill him but he was saved because Beck messaged Joe. I love those chapters too because it just shows how disgusting Joe is and is literally using his spare time, energy, and life to follow a man who doesn't even know the real him. I also loved the chapters when Beck was in the cage. You get convinced that he might actually let her out of the cage and they could be happy together but of course, as anyone would do Beck tried to escape. Her death was a bit traumatising. One minute this guy crying because he thinks he accidentally killed her and then he does it for real and is super angry. Not to forget he literally shoved book pages down her throat like why Joe. Wasnt choking her enough what was the need. He's so entitled as well but good for him for having self-respect I guess. I found the chapter where Beck finds the 'Box' underwhelming as hell. In the series it was so suspenseful and scary.

[dzpenumbra]

3/14/23

Storm's a'comin. Snow soon. That's the word on the street.

I say that as though I've been out on the street... that's what my mom told me.

She caught me at a difficult time. I was literally just getting ready to start working on my quartz knife. I was debating getting in the shower first, but it's weird to even consider that when I'm going to wet-sand stone, it's so messy, it always feels like a better idea to shower after. Now... it's past 2AM and I still haven't showered.

The whole conversation was just about how fucked my life is. It was initiated by me, I can feel it. I swear, therapy did a lot of good for me. It really did. But being in live-in therapy environments for extended periods of time, having no friends except therapists or people in a therapy environment... it's turned every conversation I have into a fucking AA meeting.

"Hi, my name is ______ and these are my problems, and I struggle with this, and this sucks, and I can be supported in these ways."

And I'm starting to notice that no one outside of therapeutic environments speaks that way. Most of them speak in fucking code, I've noticed. It's weird. Like... I haven't really spoken subtext that much in my life... at all... just in general... but isolation made it flat-out difficult and... damaging. Like, I will say very heartfelt things to people and they think I'm... trying to trick them? Or, online, "trolling"? Or they assume I mean something completely different? It's so odd to me. I get that it's a self-protective mechanism that apparently a lot of people have, but like... from my perspective, it causes a shit-ton more harm than good... like... it doesn't even seem to protect people.

Anywho, the conversation was about my stream last night and how genuinely scared I am. I got a fucking DMCA notice 1 fucking minute after I ended my stream. 1 goddamn minute. 1/4 of my VoD was automatically muted. And I honestly don't know what to get from that. Am I safe? Am I going to get a strike? Is Twitch protecting me from strikes? Can I play music? Can I play podcasts?

And again, PTSD functions off of a sense of feeling safe and secure. And when some fucking greedy shitbags threaten to shut down my only source of meeting new people because I was listening to music while drawing - as a professional artist - and they want to claim that I'm... trying to sell the music? Like the music even has anything to do with what I'm presenting besides just being background noise. And I can't appeal it. I can't even speak in my own defense. It's pretty much a guaranteed strike. Like, what the fuck is the point of Fair Use laws if you don't even get a fucking hearing?! They gave up on that shit like 3 years ago, it's the Wild fucking West out here. OH MY GOD. As I'm typing this, the stream I was enjoying in the background runs the second 8-ad block in the past half hour. What the fuck happened? Seriously! This place has gone to shit! I swear, no one even remembers what Twitch and Youtube used to be like.

Ugh. So much stress. Constantly. I need a pee break.

Okay, back to venting I guess. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I got a warning email from Twitch about broadcasting copyrighted music... to no one. And I don't think my mom could really understand that. And she was trying to nudge me towards... copyright free music - which I ranted about last night - and then getting a broadcasting license. I mean. Give me a break. I have zero fucking viewers and I'm getting a broadcasting license?! Tell me I'm the crazy one thinking that's a bit excessive...

Then we went to... the ideas I had the past few years. My brother is a musician. We used to jam together all the time. We recorded an album together. I offered to pay him to make me as much music as he could, good chill lo-fi. As much as he could make. It can loop, it can be repetitive, whatever. Give me a giant playlist of original, good music that you would like... spark up a bowl and listen to while you're... fuck, I legit can't think of a "normal people" analogy for drawing. I don't know, just chill music. Just nothing too dark or abrasive. That stuff, just put it on a different list and I'll use that for like... horror drawing night or something. You know? Vibes. All that. And every person that comes in, they get introduced to his music. Idk how that's not a win-win.

He, obviously, rejected that. Obviously. I'm guessing it was a creative control issue or something. Wouldn't even try. Then I asked him if he would be interested in browsing Soundcloud and throwing together a playlist of unsigned musicians that he found that are actually good. And get paid to do that. Since I just have too fucking much on my goddamn hands, I can't do everything. And I could really use the help. Nope.

I literally couldn't even pay my own brother to make me a mixtape for my stream. That's 2023. That's how fucked music is right now. Or at least... in my experience.

Dude, I remember when me and my buddy J (my bandmate) would go on rides late at night just to listen to music in the car. He had roommates and shit, I lived in an apartment building, so we would just go for rides and crank the music and just... listen to music together, driving on the dark highways at like midnight. The people I run into, they act like you can't fucking do that shit anymore. Like it went extinct in 2012 or some shit.

I will know for a fact that I've found someone I need to keep close to me, when I get a message at like... 11:30... saying "hey dude, do you wanna go for a drive and just listen to the new Periphery album? See what we think about it? And then park somewhere and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and talk about like... what we liked about it and what surprised us?"

I tried to do that last night. I seriously... I just wanted more than anything to share that experience of listening to that album for the first time. That's a once-in-a-lifetime experience, I will never experience that for the first time again, and I captured it, and it was fucking censored by corporate bots. That's why I was broadcasting, it's why I fucking hit "Start Broadcast", to spend time with people, to share that special moment with people, to share my passion and excitement. To share that time. And now, we can share time with people who are on the other side of the planet, with a 3 second delay on their goddamn phone. How fucking nuts is that?! So it's easier than ever to create these shared experiences. And yet I'm more alone than ever before. Why?

Because they all "grew up". Because no one has the time for this shit anymore. Because the people in my life disappeared and started families, or hide away in their daily grind. Or get buried in responsibilities. I don't even know anymore, it just makes me mad. This isn't how life is supposed to work.

This voice? The outraged "fuck the world" voice? I'm pretty sure that's a big part of my PTSD. It very bluntly expresses disapproval. It demands change. It often feels different, like different parts of my brain are lit up. It feels bitter, and oppressed. It feels like it can't give quarter, because it would be unsafe. It is very frequently misunderstood. The most frequently of all of my modes of communication, I'd guess. Which really sucks, because it's the one that has the most important messages, I'd say.

I try really hard to vet the messages that voice sends out before I send them. Fact-check, to use a trending hashtag. And at least keep an open mind that I may be reading into things a bit, or exaggerating. Because this is a self-protective mechanism I'm dealing with, and they do have a tendency to kinda... act first and sort out the details later. But... here... I'm pretty sure everything I've gone over here is pretty dead on the money. Which really sucks.

But... silver lining... this is a road map to what will bring me peace and happiness in my life. I need to find a way to open up my studio (share my art process/life) to the world... which doesn't involve threats of litigation. I need to find a way to connect with people over music... that doesn't involve risking having both my business and my social networking (personal and professional) shut down. The last person I heard that was a non-partner that got banned from Twitch was sending in appeals for over a month, and he was a comedian who was on a nationally broadcast sitcom, and he had to literally have a friend in the biz call in a favor from someone who worked at Twitch to get him unbanned. I'm not even fucking kidding. So... if I get canned? I'm fucked. Bye bye Twitch. Having security around that, that would make me feel much safer. And, I guess... I'm still mourning the loss of my brother and my former friends.

Might as well address that. Since I'm here. I say this with a heavy heart, because it's always hard to lose someone no matter how. I know loss pretty well. And... I know the two are different, and it might just be me... but in my experience... it's easier to lose someone because they're... gone... than it is to lose someone who is still here. They're just... ... how do I say this... I'm picturing Obi Wan lighting his lightsaber on Mustafar after Anakin force-chokes his pregnant wife.

Honestly, watching the scene again... I often feel more like Padme. I don't have the confidence Obi Wan has. Not anymore. And I don't have the willingness to enter combat, to stand ground and defend. And, unfortunately... look at how that ends for her. You know? I mean, not like Obi Wan's method was super effective either in the long run... And... I don't even know if there's a good way that exists to deal with people who have gone down a Dark path. I really don't. It just... it eats me alive to give up on people when I know their self is destroying them, their own pain and fear and anger. I hate giving up on people. Let alone... standing against them... when they turn on me. Even just defending myself in the moment feels like too much, let alone righteously opposing them.

Moments like that are a big part of why I want to seek out a spiritual group that has similar ethical pacifist beliefs as I do. I grew up in a super competitive family, my father being the most competitive of them all. I have no role model for these behaviors, so any new one is one that I've sorta... found through experimentation. I often feel very clumsy and ill-equipped. And I would really appreciate some form of... mentorship or something. On how to be a pacifist who is dealing with... possessed people. Haunted people. Traumatized people. Hey, maybe it'll even help me deal with myself, when my demons flare up. As they have been lately.

Let's not sugar coat this. I've noticed how I've been acting lately. I've noticed my fear and my anger. I've noticed my suspicions of people conspiring against me, all that shit. All byproducts of trauma. I see bits of Anakin in myself too. I know it's in there, and it's growing. And I need to get it out in healthy ways, and process it in healthy ways.

Meditation is helping, though it's extremely subtle and hard for me to really remember to do it.

My big problem with keeping this insistent "you don't understand, this is what's going on in my life and I just need blahblahblah and where the hell are my friends? Why is no one coming to my streams? Why can't I play music? Why? Why?" bullshit... is that... I actually do need answers to these questions. Like... how do I walk away from that? Just... not stream? I literally just started again. Then... do Instagram or YouTube videos instead of Twitch? Maybe. That's something. I don't know, it just feels like... giving up. Like I ask one person, they don't know... so I give the fuck up? But I have no one else to ask!

But again, the big problem with that... is that it's directly connected to my feeling of safety. Direct chain of events.

No music -> eventually no stream -> no new people seeing my art -> career over.

No friends dropping by the stream -> constant zero viewer count -> no new viewers, no one wants to go to a dead stream -> no new people seeing my art -> career over.

It all funnels down.

Ugh, this is so depressing. Like... I just wish I could workshop this with someone, have someone brainstorm shit with me who actually knows what they're talking about. Like... if I put on a 3 hour podcast, am I going to get flagged?

I need to get off of this topic. It's eating me alive. I didn't stream because of it today. For fuck's sake. I did 6+ hours yesterday, and I couldn't stream at all tonight because I just engaged with this line of thought when my mom called because I was still on-edge.

At least it wasn't a fight. Gotta count my blessings on that.

So... snow's coming. That's nice, huh? XD No electric board, but I can try to hoof it to the community car and swing over to the indoor skatepark, that's something. And I can snowskate, if the snow is good. That's good.

Today felt like a wash. Honestly. Just really stressful all day. Which really sucks because yoga wasn't too bad, meditation went okay, and then I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen, including vacuuming. Then it just went to shit. Because I went into AA-mode and just started unloading all the crap I was carrying from last night about DMCA and work and shit. Ugh.

I just want to make art, man. And listen to good tunes. And share that with other people. And if that's too much to ask... I don't know what to say. But I respect my non-existent viewers, and myself, too much to subject them to copyright free muzak.

Okay, here's a good one to reset the vibes. So... I had a really good idea today for another mala. I was thinking about the bead sequences and how the number of beads are sorta focused around important and powerful cultural numbers. And I had this really cool idea of having each bead be representative of a note within a key, color coded by note, and each section of the mala is representative of a chord, with notes ascending from lowest to highest. And the entire mala itself represents a chord progression.

Music is calling me. The big question is... do I engage with it before or after the skull? I'll mull it over tomorrow.