#its all i ever do at work regardless
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Yall aren't gonna believe this.... theres this show, thats kinda like Transformers—insane i know—BUT GET THIS.... its about ponies and friendship and magic..... its really obscure u prolly havent heard of it.....
(ehem, some wingless versions below so you can actually see the pony under all those feathers,,,)
#ignore the fact that Skyfire is in a completely different style than the other ones#i did him a while ago#anywaus be vigilant and prepared for ponies at all times bc i will not stop drawing them#its all i ever do at work regardless#just me ibispaint and my left index finger against the world#transformers#mlp#digital art#skyfire#starscream#optimus prime#orion pax#ratchet#hot rod#why do I only ever post art in the middle of the night?#well you see im too busy being asleep during the day
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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5 years later ghost posting from jason sweettooth williams: "In honor of Halloween and all things ghostly, here is the picture I took of a ghost from the stage of the Lyceum Theater on Broadway. I was on stage in the middle of tech and looked up and spotted this. I think about her often but especially tonight on Halloween! #happyhalloween #ghost #theater #bemorechill #broadway"
#always enjoy the ghost gossip (anyone's Personal Ghost Tales) like it's literally always gonna be fun; inherently#but can say this is the first one i've heard with the bonus of ''& i took a phone pic on the spot. here ya go'' like hell yeah lol#sent me off on a tangent b/c i was trying to find a post with that one article with the Opposite Day headline#written as it is for obvious reasons but talking about some Behind The Scenes re: Bmc At The Lyceum & Its Ghost Traditions#so like titled ''bob fosse haunts will roland in his dressing room'' a) funny if that was figurative b) that the rest specifies He Doesn't#or at least isn't doing a good enough job to be detected & in this case was there a haunting. i don't think that would count#or that detail like Venue Specific Legend Has It if you're off your marks you'll feel a push towards your place#will being like ''yeah that hasn't happened to me'' & the article pointing out my next thought like b/c you're just so On Your Mark?#which isn't to say i Have To Believe there's no ghosts. or that there are. same with anyone's ghost gossip#like i don't think any i've ever heard was anyone lying. nor have i gone 'wow irrefutable proof. wow can't think of Any Other Possibility'#like i wasn't there. what do i know & also not my business. this is how it works with many things that are in the Personal Realm#i have opinions then about the treatment of supposed Haunted / Ghost Presence status regardless of realness(tm) like.#but really Haunted Theater Venues tend to not be that kind of situation. a) generally not about violence begetting hauntings#& b) generally not a big deal anyway & people going about their business & sharing a space like Sure either way#this can go under:#bmc#and in all this like hey wait. this is just like goosebumps the musical the phantom of the auditorium#not like phantom of the opera. but seriously not like that lol
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#personal#thinking about how the phrase treat others how you want to be treated is actually incredibly one way#unless damn near every person ive ever met wants to be treated like shit which i cant imagine is true#like idk i spent a lot of my time giving my energy to people. and ill never feel bad for putting love and kindness out into the world#but i gave some of these people everything i had. or not everything that would diminish me but everything i could spare for them at the time#i treated them attentively and considerately and tenderly and lovingly#and that kindness has not been extended back to me by most of these people#some of them have surely in their own 'love language' and im grateful for these people in my life#but most of the people ive treated with intentional care have actively and on purpose caused me a lot of emotional harm#which again. im working through and like karma will get them without me needing to be there or whatever while i do my own healing#but regardless i still think some of that shit should not have happened like it did#i dont understand how everyone can say to me treat others how youd like to be treated but not tell me the caveat#that they will not treat me the way i want to be treated even if i put in that effort for them/for our friendship or relationship or whatevr#like idk im a bitch for asking you to leave me alone when ive been vomiting for two days straight but you can straightup sexually misconduct#with my body and then when i write poetry about it and share my feelings instead of leaving and taking that information anywhere helpful#you get to decode youre traumatized actually and im still a bitch for bringing it up?#make it make sense#'treat others the way you want to be treated' so youd like it if i starved you and verbally insulted and gaslight and manipulated you? no?#then what the fuck is the point of you saying that to me???#idk im just fucking pissed rn that. idk what im pissed at. cause again i know im no contact with all of these people now and their#shitty justice will find its way to them. and i cant be mad at myself for saddling with the wrong people cause some of that was my choices#and some of it was blood i couldnt escape for a long time. and i said i dont want to regret or resent#putting love out to the world#but i am still angry that so much of me was given to the wrong people. that these people just chose to completely ignore#the level of respect and patience and kindness i showed them#idk dudes im just angry. 'treat others the way you want to be treated' fuck off thats some quiet manipulation bullshit to get me to be#nicer to you even as you abuse the self-worth outta me fuck off fuck you#i found it again. you cant bury it im too full of love to not love myself too but it hurts how hard they tried for so long#'treat others the way you want to be treated' how bout no. how bout i treat everyone with a base level of kindness#and when youve shown me that you will treat me the way i deserve to be treated then ill fucking play niceys back
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like GENUINELY who wants another book about royalty and europeans from two hundred three hundred four hundred years ago. who give a shit . but it's INTERESTING
#stop being interesting and i wont want to write about you or whatever#these people suck in such toothy and fascinating ways and that's what i want to write about#and i guess as a writer one shouldn't be always asking if a book is NEEDED. that's besides the point of the whole endeavor#nobody who writes tiktok romantasy asks if it's needed and by god the publishers don't#but i do worry that this is a book that i am only considering dedicating any amount of work time too because i think it's fun#regardless of whether or not it would be worthwhile to read or spend time on for anyone else/tells a story that hasn't been told much befor#like realistically. i should just be writing as a regular habit whether or not it ever becomes viable. i just need to regain the habit#but i always start thinking years and years ahead whenever i'm working on any project and i get in my head about its large implications#what the industry will do will be interested in wants will publish quicker . blah blah blah. and all i need to DO. is regularly write#writing tag#q
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im just saying if i was arrested for murder & terrorism charges and trying to prove my innocence but an army of leftists on social media made me into a meme that specifically hinged on me being completely culpable and guilty of the thing i was being charged for i would probably fucking kill myself
#idc if you think its based to kill ceos (it is) but all the State cares about#is that you think hes guilty#before he's even had a single chance in court#cops said he did it and everyone (including me for a quick second) went oh my gd he did it but we love him for it#instead of waking up a little to realize that like hey. hey. thats kinda fucked to just do to somebody.#idk. can anyone hear me#i saw 2 tumblr communities that were just tagged w this guy's name#who regardless of if he's found guilty or not i hope doesn't ever go to prison#but certainly is not having an easier time staying out of prison if everyone has decided he did it#but it's ok bc we think it's cool that he did it#which is not how any of this works. good intentions do not shape into good outcomes#suicide mention
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i think half of my beef with journey's end and the ten tentoo rose ending thing was also the way rose described in the big finish audios how she didn't feel like she belonged in pete's world, that she was out of place and didn't feel like herself. so while i don't hate tentoorose, i do hate that the doctor didn't take any of that into consideration with her and just had to use her to solve the problem that was the metacrisis.
#ramlbings sorry#just ... frustrated about that ending#and how its so centered on the doctor always#and not ... rose's life rose's experiences rose's choice#because i do think in a way that her kissing tentoo was her chosing him but i also think#it was her giving herself this ONE fucking thing she had been picturing for years regardless of who it was with#let rose tyler have this oNE fucking thing#and then she would've gone on to make her choice#but he just left. ... he just left#and then she ran after him and looked literally distraught that he just left#and i don't think it was just because he didn't say good bye#i think it was because he. just. left.#he didn't actually give her a choice and he made up her mind for her by implying that her getting that one thing was her choice#meanwhile she has been working for so fucking long and has gone through SO MUCH trying to get back#and all of that is washed away#all of her feelings and the way she never EVER chose to go to that world ANYWAY#.... just ignored ... not important for the sake of tenrose and their relationship or tentoorose and their relationship#i think she would've been happy just staying in the prime universe with tentoo and growing old#but no ... she got no choice no agency#other than kissing tentoo which was camp loved her for that#but even billie piper doesn't like the ending because it just feels like a way to lock rose away#and deal with the metacrisis problem#sorry rambling
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poäng appreciation post 💛
#i forget if i said but Baby Sister and i stopped off at ikea on the way back from picking her up at the bus stop on monday#and finally replaced the ruined-by-a-succession-of-cats-(in-ways-both-unsightly-and-gross) Accent Chair in the living room#with a poäng rocker (bc the shape is a little more interesting and less instantly recognizable than the regular chair) in birch (my beloved#also they make fancy tufted cushions for it now! wish they came in more colors but it's a real improvement on sad options past#and anyway it's like. now you can actually sit here in the morning and look out the window at the extremely beautiful view#and the chair actually supports you??? like i could see down the road trying to work out some kind of custom cushioning that's thicker#but the shape of the frame is so ergonomic for me that it's genuinely quite comfortable regardless. bentwood exocorset…#anyway. not a very original post but i just DO really love ikea#like yes it's a mixed bag but also honestly if you're buying particle board—#(i was going to say 'and expecting it to hold up' but. honestly i think it's just. if you're buying particle board period)#—that might be on you.#(like. if you're being pressed in from all sides by budget constraints and immediate need and no accessible better-made used alternatives—#obviously you do what you have to. but it's like buying pleather—you know‚ or should‚ that the material is going to disintegrate.)#but the things ikea makes with decent materials are remarkably well-designed and affordable for what they are‚ has been my sense?#you just gotta shop carefully but like. that's true literally everywhere.#anyway. in conclusion i love my new buddy with its clean lines. …do people name chairs ever.#i've never before had the urge but this one feels like a little assembly-line friend that deserves its own identity. like a star wars clone#(lol what if i gave it a little nametag somewhere hidden. secret identity talisman 4 chairpal.)#(& yes i promise i'm as aware of the‚ uh‚ itself-ness of this tag spiral as you are. :) )#domesticities
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Sigh. Nikola why must you be one of the more interesting oni characters. I don't wanna think abt you with your stupid spiky blond hair and your unethical science that mostly just serves to make Jackie more shitty by proxy. But I do. Because you're kind of orbo blorbo. Fuck you Nikola I hope you explode again
#rat rambles#oni posting#hes just extremely fascinating in the scientist crowd because he has a weirdly large presence in the like. actual meat of the lore.#like he has an actual arc that relates to the quote unquote plot of oni#he made the field around earth he made the neural vaculators (presumably) he contributed to the teleporters and was also involved with#some of the other projects in the bioengineering department and is one of the two scientists that we know for sure knew abt and worked with#duplicants and all of that and almost every instant of nikola being relevant hes only seen second hand#the One thing that we have that is Maybe directly from him is an email that hes the most likely canidate for#and I mean it Im pretty sure outside of that hes only ever either mentioned second hand or doesnt talk in the case of that one ellie email#even the one time we see proper dialogue from him it isnt even a recording its a second hand retelling from ruby#its soooo fascinating I dont even know if this was on purpose but I love it regardless#now tbf theres other characters who are also mostly if not only mentioned second hand but none that have as much of a lore presence as him#nails was close but then 'a seed is planted' dropped and they became a part of the troubling second hand nikola info club#watch them finally add ashkan dialogue and its just him talking abt nikola being involved in the puppy ai incident too or smth#the thing is that isnt even that out there nikola Did work on the teleporters and worked on somw gravitas time travel shit too so who knows#Im trying to think of theres anyone else whos mentioned in the logs but doesnt actually talk and I know there's steve and ada but hmmm#this isnt counting artifact or news artical specific mentions tbc we're talking within character dialogue#sorry meep mae and pei#WAIT cant believe I forgot abt devon rip bestie my sincerest apologies#I think thats it tho everyone else whos mentioned in dialogue has dialogue Im pretty sure#well direct dialogue I mean#oh tbc ashkan is also in that club#hes probably in second place on the weirdness of his lack of dialogue due to his striking presence in several log list#now tbf hes mentioned like 3 times I think? not counting artifacts ofc. so he's not talked abt That frequently#but one of those is in a paradox and the others are in story traits so its still interesting#I had already loved ashkan before doing my full lore dive so finding out this mysterious dr.ali was my boy ashkan was a delight#now ofc technically ashkan could have secret dialogue that we just dont know is him since we dont know his work id but still#we dont know nikolas either but nikola is likely in engineering and ashkan is likely in robotics so theyre both not likely to be them#they Could be as they do likely work with the bioengineering department but nikola is fully crossed out as the fossil guy at least#ashkan Could be the fossil guy but its not likely imo as theyre also the guy in the husbandry log implying theyre fully a biologist
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I need like. A bible level miracle of an opportunity even suggest itself to me so i can possibly start a career in something lol
#its unfortunate but its true thay i am in fact running out of time i could be using to accomplish something meaningful and set myself up#for a promising future. like ill be having a late start regardless. but i know that this is something i have to do sooner or later#i cant stay in retail. i cant serve people who willingly politicize a genocide as it happens in real time#i know there are plenty of zionists here just based on the comic store job alone lol i know theyre here too#despite there also being plenty of palestinians that i have Already witnessed just outside my current work now get ostracized#its gut wrenching. i cant stay here#but i am abbbbsoLUTELY clueless in what i should be working towards#ill be honest...i dont like my new job and i Dont trust my boss. i dont like her. she is rude and unnecessarily so.#if i so much as wore a palestinian bracelet i know im going to relive some twilight zone stern talking to shit Again#what ever happened to community or humanity anyways im getting off topic lol#i just needed to write all these rebounding thoughts down theres a lot going on#i gotta go on a quest and figureee it out. you know#figure it OUT 💪💪💪
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Sometimes I want to read my friends' fics bc like... friends! Their fics! But then like... my brain reminds me the only fic I read is dmcl.
#DCB Comments#i have the desire to read my friends' fics but my interests are so strict abt it!!!#i mean there's one other ship i am considering reading fic for but it's not even fe#other than that i don't even read tellius fics bc tbh the only tellius fics i would read#would be shinaff and i and like maybe five other ppl tops even ship it so that's just#not happening out of its lack of existence LOL. sadge.#but like... what i write does not equal what i can read. i only seem to have the drive to actually /read/ dmcl#also one of my biggest issues with tellius fics is similar to the lorenz issue#i don't trust most ppl to correctly characterize shinon. with lorenz ppl don't actually#write him in character most of the time. he's written with clear and intended disdain from almost every writer i've ever seen write him#with shinon i completely do not trust that anyone except like me and five other ppl don't just#ignore all his character traits and all the facets of his personality. most ppl reduce him to what they WANT him to be#and not what he actually is. nobody EVER writes abt his care for children. his generosity toward his friends#how he canonically returned to the GMs and stuck by them regardless of where they went/what they did#how he - having been poor all his life by inference of dialogue - does what he can to stop them from being poor#he could leave at any time with his skills and get work anywhere he wanted. he doesn't bc he grew out of that desire#once he felt he had a place he truly fit in with. nobody writes him as the complex human being he canonically is written as#he's just ''the asshole who doesn't like ike'' and we know what the other part is that i won't get into#or we will be here for another few hours of me debunking ppl's bullshit. but yeah. shinon is basically like#the central reason i do not touch tellius fics with a thousand foot pole. i don't trust ANYONE with him unless i already know you#and that even if you don't like him i can at least trust you'd still write him in character and not just as#the obvious character you only wrote in to bash. even reading dmcl is difficult when i can tell the writer#doesn't give a shit abt writing lorenz in character and just uses him to be annoying and shit#aside dmcl being a hyperfixation yeah... that's some reasons why i do not read other fics#not that that is related directly to my friends' writing - that's bc my brain lightbulb only turns on with dmcl content#also why i have not read gautier content. i think it's changing now but like in general#the vast majority of the fandom i do NOT trust to actually understand miklan's character/story/motivations#bc he's basically just tossed aside as the pure evil villain who uwu hurt sylvain#i think myself and some other miklan lovers have helped fix that a bit with hopes' help#but i've loved miklan since before hopes came out so that's why i never bothered trusting gautier content either
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#hi sorry to ventpost on the poetry blog again#but i gotta write this out so i can get my brain to SHUT UP and maybe sleep. anyway.#its just so interesting because like. i fear there is something wrong with me. i fear i am in fact fucked up for no good reason#smth smth imposter syndrome except im the actual imposter#and like. the issue i keep coming back to right. there are two options.#either this is just The Way That I Am or it's some chemical imbalance in my brain that i inherited#so either i have to do work to change as an actual person or do work to find myself treatment#because again. no one is coming to save me. there is no miracle cure i can take to be a different person.#and the thing about me. i had changing. i hate doing work. i dont want to do any of that.#tbh the problem right now is i dont really want to do anything except read and sleep and stare at the wall so you know. par for the course.#but even under the best of circumstances im just. a lazy person. i dont want to do things and i dont.#and re: there are two options right. like fundamentally it doesn't matter because this is still something i am. who cares if its my fault.#i still have to deal with that. i still might just fucking torpedo my career and my life and every opportunity ive ever been given#because i simply can't be bothered. because i would rather waste my money and my time just fucking rotting.#and what gets to me the most is the opportunity part too. i am SO FUCKING LUCKY to have the people and the life and the resources i do#and yet im still like this#if it was just a question of me i think i'd be able to bear it#but thinking about all the people who took a chance on me and believe in me and like me for some fucking reason is crushing#and admitting i cant get it together would be letting them all down#but keeping on like this still feels horrible bc im similarly letting them down by lying and allowing them to believe im a good person#I KNOW THIS SOUNDS DRAMATIC but do keep in mind i am in fact actively lying and hiding and making up excuses. i promise there are fr issues#and like i know the important ppl will stay regardless but thats almost worse somehow?#im just so scared of going from a loved-because to a loved-despite#even though i think that's the best kind. but Its Different When Its Me because obviously it is#if it turns out i just need to switch meds im gonna feel so fucking stupid in a week#except this has been a reoccurring theme for much longer than that so. re: i fear this is just the way i am. sigh#okay enough this isnt doing shit time to pass out woooo#to delete
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oh my godddd Cord absolutely uses braiding her hair as another excuse to hang around Evis.........
#i still havent really drawn a proper ref for cords redesign#but shes black now and has her hair in braids#and one thing about me is that regardless of character if they have even 1 braid in their hair#i have GOT to think about how they find the time to braid it.#bc i have fairly long hair but not usually as long as my ocs#and i hate braiding that shit it takes ages to do the 1 chunky side braid i used to do to keep it from tangling at night#and i know doing those long braided hairstyles can take like. hours and hours.#and its not like a medieval fantasy inspired world is gonna have a tv for her to watch while she braids her hair.#so she needs conversation !!#and Evis is always more than happy to provide that.#PLUS she can maintain all of Cord's weapons and armor while they chat.#and then if she runs out of work to do she'd honestly probably help w the braiding.#I imagine Evis would be at least decent at braiding#given the role she takes on in her community#even tho she does not braid her own hair ever#its just a cute little scenario to me idk.
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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#this is honestly a really minor thing in the whole of everything#but goddamn my coworker is annoying ke sobmuch more than she ever has#and it shouldnt annoy me this much i try to like reallly deal with it when i know their reasons are valid#but goddamn#she has complained so many times about her hours and i know shes also mentioned wanting more#and those can coexist and obviously iverride the other#but im trying to get more hours next week and i guess nick is right i shouldnt have gone to her first but honestly this still probably would#have been a pain jn the ass#i expected her to agree or not agree like i get it she likes the extra time#but not try and like#swap days with me#like i either thought shed like the extra time off or not#but in response i did not think she would insist on still working just either the normal hours orbnot#and naybe its not complicated things asbmuch as i think#but its still pissing me off#its fucking stupid#shes gottenbso so pissy to the point of nears tears before complaining about never getting extra days off#and not having days off next to each other and alllll this other fucking shit#and even if shes not like that Now with her extra hours shes picked upbthe moment she goes back to that and i am certain she will#this will flair up again because fuck off#shes gonna complain about all this fucking holiday traffic in the store and its gonna piss ne off#it would regardless but itsbjust gonna do it kore#she is so shit with money and its gucking hypocritical of me i know but i am too focused on her fucking#bullahit with things she doesnt need to act how she does about money cause she does fucking fine#shes just so damn irresponsible with it and thats her fucking fault#she gets all these fucking ideas on how to budget and save better and she doesnt follow through#and it just i am sobfucking tired this is so fucking stupid and my fucking boss left work to go do some fucking shopping#so i cant even talk with him about it right now cause he just fuvking lesves while hes still clocked in and i usually care but like barely#but its so fucking annoying today#tag rambles
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it feels bad and kind of attention-seeking to desperately need external validation to live and while i do genuinely treasure every kind word i've ever received, it also feels impossible for me to internalize any praise and actually believe it, leading me to again need more positive encouragement, which makes me feel not just attention-seeking but also like an ingrate to the people who have been supportive... i want to believe in the me that my friends believe in, but unfortunately there is a part of me that believes even more so that if i were really good enough then my work would speak for itself and i wouldnt need to ask for validation
#🌱#anyway I know there are plenty of reasons raging from luck to structural factors why some works don’t get the recognition that others do#but it seems disingenuous and arrogant and simply…not true to posture myself as some kind of unrecognized or underappreciated talent LMAO#it’s really not that serious anyway#the simpler answer is just that i need to keep working hard and getting better#regardless i do really treasure all the kind words ive ever gotten#each word made its way into my heart where it matters
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...Highkey was not. Expecting this one ramble I wrote of Ishtar to end up digging into some really personal vulnerabilities around my own.
...But. After several months of wanting to start opening the doors to rambling on these things (& chickening out) I finally. Got things down.
#This is. something I'm only sharing w friends i trust tho. DM only type of stuff cause its... its a writing that has roots in some.#very deeply personal/vulnerable type of stuff. & like. I kind of always fear judgment around this sort of stuff too?#when it comes to. writing on this particular topic. its cathartic to me in processing things. but i know it can be not easy a read?#I've already hinted at it before & i mean i know in the end on TH ima eventually have it labeled what this sorta ordeal is.#its not somethn i really expect will come up tho outside of like... if im musing w someone i trust & only in terms of like.#sharing/rambling abt backstory stuff or hcing things around chars opening up? or writing things abt chars opening up? i.#don't know fi that makes sense but fuck it sdjlkfsd. you get the gist.#its not somethn i will bring up in spaces where its not allowed & even in my own personal public spaces its a subject i kinda prefer to uh#not get TOO too into. the in depths are only known by ppl i trust & thats that. & thats only if they ofc arent the type to judge.#i love sharing my stuff w friends even if its more intense subjects? (given they can handle it obviously i aint droppin it on em w/o warnin#cause i know myself w what i write so). my only gist is i just fear those close to me judging is all. since its a lot of.#vulnerability ig that goes into this stuff for me.#...in time i do... plan to let myself open up more. be vulnerable more through my work ig.#it helps a lot w catharsis ig.#regardless... i gotta get back to research stuff#ishtar rambles ;#anyway personal hidden oc / sona / w.e lore that only is known to ppl i want it known by. & its not somethn that like ever's gonna be like.#brought up in spaces where its not permitted to discuss those things so yknow. yeah. esp bc the theme of this topic is kinda 18+?#w the ramble i mean. bc of subject material but it takes on a sorta heavy topic type of vibe really? so.#its not like 'sexy time 18+' stuff LOL-does touch on ordeals of sexuality yeah. but. the rest is analysis & touching on their past & some.#things that are again. sorta heavier talks & in gen other things.
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