#it's not like i need my meds or anything
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love when walgreens doesn't have my meds in stock so i go to cancel the order and fill it at a different pharmacy and then it just. deletes the entire fucking prescription.
#if i never have to hear walgreens phone menu again it will be too soon#it's not even the adderall this time!! it's my preventative migraine meds#but i can't do anything about it so now i'm just. trying to fight off this migraine and have been since last night#i had to call out of work today and might have to tomorrow as well so like thanks for that now i'm losing a couple hundred bucks#it's not like i need my meds or anything#win rambles#i'll call tomorrow and try and get it figured out#i've dealt with struggling to get my meds with the adderall shortage awhile back and so i'm really sensitive about it and hate dealing with#stuff like this cause it brings up a lot of that shit even when it's a different medication#also i'm like. in pain bc of it
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every time i walk into my local library i make sure to look at the receptionists with big wet eyes before heading to my corner to study bc i really want them to hire me as a part-time aide
#not even bc i need the money like it would just be so good for my mental health#extra cash would be nice but i also just like existing there#i don't need another thing on my plate but this feels like anxiety relief more than anything#esp bc w all my pre-med stuff sometimes i feel guilty for reading recreationally. this would force me to be somewhere i love to be#i WANT to be around books for 6 hours at a time. stacking. shelving. cleaning those precious books#i will burst into tears if they don't let me#i literally know the dewey decimal system by heart i'm perfect for this#p
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tged webtoon ep 171 spoilers and thoughts but i'm mostly just going "YAY I LIKED THIS MOMENT" and more below the cut
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DEMON KING LLOYD HELLO. HELLO?? WHAT. WHY?? BUT WOW. HOLY SHIT. I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS
I LOVE WHEN CHARACTERS GAIN WINGS AND HORNS AND . GHGHHGHGHHG AAAHHH ITS MY FAVORITE THING if you didn't already know dragon lloyd was like one of my favorite all-time panels so this is VERY AWESOME FOR ME YAYYY YAAAAYYY HAHAHA
LIKE SERIOUSLY LOOK HE GOT FANGS N SHIT AND. OH MY GODD THE SMOKE SLIPPING PAST HIS LIPS IM SO??? THAT'S SO COOL. I LOVE WHEN THEY DO THAT WITH SMOKE AND MONSTROUS FORMS OF CHARACTERS
genuinely i need to draw this asap. pacing issues aside i am obsessed with how sick this is. i love this a LOT
ok ok back to the top bc theres some stuff i wanna touch on from before demon king lloyd got revealed! because...
"master lloyd taught us". "master lloyd taught us". "master lloyd taught us". "master lloyd taught us".
EXCUSE ME WHAT
YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT OFF SCREEN, LLOYD TOOK TIME OUT OF HIS BUSY ASS DAY. TO TEACH THE KIDS HOW TO PLAY SOCCER. AND THEY HAVE PLAYED ENOUGH TO BE FAMILIAR ENOUGH TO PLAY ON THEIR OWN. WHICH MEANS THAT LLOYD . PLAYED SOCCER WITH THEM . AND WE FIND THIS OUT. NOW?? I. GGHH. THATS SO. CUTE. IM GOING TO BITE HIM. THE FUCKER. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME
the fact that they go up to ask him im going to EXPLODE?!?!?
he looks so nonchalant abt it here im cryinf
AND LOOK AT THEM GO THIS IS SO SO SWEET IM VERY GLAD LYRA GOT TO PLAY WITH THEM I LIKE THIS A LOT
this scene, and the beginning scene where the adults were just so casual with her and treating her as a living person with feelings and someone that they can talk to was so so heartwarming i oooghhh my heart
AND THEN THERE HE IS. SMILING IN THE BACK. YOU ASS.
I SEE YOU BEING KIND AND EMPATHETIC AND SELFLESS LLOYD. YOU LOST THE NONCHALANT WAR. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE
christ. i fucking HATE him /j /aff
it is also VERY silly that they're so casual abt. destruction like that HELPPP they got it from someone sob sob, though i imagine since most of the estate consists of people who have done construction it probably isnt that big of a deal when things get destroyed every now n then
and lyra looks so damn happy,,, god im so glad she had a good experience, she really needed one :')
also i completely LOST it when the kid got mad at lyra for not responding with a yes or no HELPPP JESUS CHRIST
again they,,, got it from someone HAHA though honestly i think it tracks. kids can be straightforwardly brutal in their language, especially when they don't really have biases or cares for who they are speaking to. as crazy as this instance looks (LMFAO) i think this fits well with the context of the straightforwardness of children and considering the person who they look up to at the estate. i think it was good for lyra to meet a human child her age who can speak straightforwardly and not skirt past things, if that makes sense? i hope it does!
AND THE DEMON KING TRANSFORMATION i already talked abt it above but i wanna point out this blue system box here
a power outside of the system?!?? what does this mean for the protagonist of the new prequel bk_moon is writing?? is the weather forecasting included in this???
my first assumption right now is that the demon king power is just an in-world power system while everything else (ie the weather forecasting) is external, blue-textbox system. maybe? so lloyd got the demon king power which comes with skills separate from the ones that the system can provide? that would explain why there's no indication of lloyd trying to use the weather forecasting, he probably can't use it,,,? except i dont know why artanis can use it in that case. most likely i am overthinking it LMFAO
semi-related, i am a little confused as to why artanis did this? i guess she really, really trusted him w this power? or maybe her weather forecasting noted that this would be something good to do i have no idea,,, it Does feel a bit sudden i won't lie, i'm not sure how earned this is
also javier and everyone else not reacting that much to the demon king status. SENT ME HAHA "... nothing's changed." LOL
deadpan humor never fails to make me giggle ily javier
also loved the moment where the two of them were bein serious for a sec,,, they've got a job to do they've got people to protect. lloyd will stop fate and javier will be right besides him...
i think showing them at emily's wedding really cements how much they really, REALLY need to fight fate now. the novel events happening is very very bad, but it feels like now that so many people, emily especially, have found THIS much happiness in their lives,,, failing to stop fate will hit even harder. i really like the analogy of a taut bow that the dragon king used when he first described it, bc it's really REALLY showing how much the repercussions will hit if they fail. im praying they succeed,,, please,,, i need a happy ending or i will curl up and turn into an actual shrimp irl.
and now the demons have to build the pantara railroad,,, artanis's expression omfg
she really didn't,,, know,,, she trusted him that much,,,, girl,,,
but it's ok. it'll be a net positive trust! that's how lloyd does things!!! and then soon we'll get the happy ending where we can get the eye of summer and beat up fate and then silly fun times YAYY <- probably copium
some other thoughts of note that i had with a dear mutual (hi sprout :3) about this ep:
we were talking about how the plot seems to be paced right now, and honestly i'm of the opinion that while yes its Technically moving, the way they're ending each ep in this current arc makes it feel like it's going both very slow and very fast, that is to say it feels like it's not moving at all
bc they're like "okay NOW we're gonna do the build project" and it's been like that for several episodes now. pieces are moving but we're going past the point of it all too fast (especially the whole demon king thing. mentioned this before but while cool, doesn't feel as earned simply bc we're both tackling each point and yet blowing past all the points, so it's a lot less satisfying than it should be (despite how awesome it is,,, oh lloyd you give me so much internal conflict </3))
it does make me a lil worried that they're gonna timeskip the hell out of the pantara railroad build. however this episode, although it still has a weird pacing/movement issue, does feel a little bit better than the last two imo, so i have hope that it'll turn out okay, that it'll start heading up! i'm actually really excited to see where they go with this and i'm sure that even if the pacing is still goofy i'll have some kind of fun with it (seriously the panels this ep were wonderful HAHA)
anyway that's all for this week! extremely excited for the next ep,,, ill see yall then,,, lets go pantara railroad arc!!!
#tged#the greatest estate developer#lynn misc#tged spoilers#the greatest estate designer#lloyd frontera#tged lloyd#i read this episode in the middle of my finals actually LMFAOOOOO#okay well not like during an exam or anything dont worry guys#but like definitely when i should have been working and studying. so.#it probably helped me i think demon king lloyd showing up gave me the dopamine i needed to actually get shit done and finish through friday#or was it serotonin? what's the happy chemical? i don't know i'm an engineer not a med student#on that note though I DID WELL ON MY FINALS! EVERYONE CHEER!#i'd like to thank lloyd frontera for being with me in my time of extremely extremely severe (that's two extremely's) “losing it” moments#it all ended up worth it. i passed a comp sci class with an A for the first time in several years#safe to say i'm very happy!#more posts to come now that i'm on break! i have SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THAT DAMN PREQUEL NOVEL. and also about alicia. very excited!#i'll see y'all then okay i'll post this shit now#(maybe i need to cool it on the “posting my secondary thoughts to tags” thing) (idek if anyone reads this) (OK POST)
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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#college needs to die#I'm out here raw dogging life with no adhd meds while having a job and doing college#not that that's an excuse to complain but it's so hard to life rn#like I just need to go into hibernation like the squirrels I see in my backyard#my life is so chaotic#I got in a car accident two days ago and ever since then I can feel myself just#spiraling#I'm so drained#maybe I'm just lazy idk#tw vent#I don't want pity or anything I just need to put this out there cause if I don't I may actually explode
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My allergies in the last month have been so bad, especially the past 2 days, I think I've just... become snot. No longer a solid being, I'm just a puddle of goo.
No drawing. No energy. ONLY SNOT.
#at this rate I am going to need a kleenex sponsorship for how many tissues I've gone thru#I already get allergy shots every month and it's like they don't help suddenly. Oral meds and saline ain't doing shit either#Please stop the actual river of snot coming out my nose I cannot draw or do anything rn!!!#bat bat bat bat
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When you backread through a fun conversation you had with someone for hours an angel gets its wings
#I was talking to my brother about Norman doors and I had fun in my UX class and he was telling me about demon cores and the trolley problem#in his class. AND I remembered to take my meds today so I can feel every cell in my body. i can feel the neurons rubbing together#and yesterday I infodumped about the specialists bullseye chart to crow and how it ties with witch hat atelier#WHICH I MANAGED TOGET THEM TK READ IM SO HAPPY. I MAKE SQUEALING GUINEA PIG NOISES EVERY TIME THEY TELL ME WHAT THEYVE READ SO FAR. AHH#i might not even be scratching the surface with witch hat there are so many themes i could not possibly fathom or go over my heasd#and thats what makes it so exciting there are so many spaces in between that you can fill with your thoughts and i. i#waves my hands around manically#for anyone interested in my insane ramblings. the bullseye chart is from are we all scientific experts now by harry collins#in my own words its basically saying everything we know about anything is a game of broken telephone#and it discusses how information gets lost in translation between experts and laymen including things that arent in control#one of the main points was how things that happen between experts are complicated including debates and findings#that you can only really understand thru research and experience in that field and cant be smoothly shared without it being reworded#and risking some of those key points. or even concepts that are hard to understand that cant be shared at all#like if you tried to tell me about how DNA works using words scientists are familiar with but i am NOT- i risk missing concepts that i need#to understand to know how it works on the level you understand. or i risk having it reworded and understanding it but not on that level#AND IT DOES TIE TO WITCH HAT THE WITCH AND NORMAL FOLK COMMUNITIES I PROMISE. ITS SO INTERESTING#anyway i spent hours reading back thru that conversation and i might as well admit it goes for almost every fun conversation i have#and it might be the 20mg of adderall in my body but i am in such a state of peace and love i have to verbalize it. ahh#yapping
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I need to be put into a coma or something why is my anxiety this bad
#im so stressed about the end of that semester that just finished#I really crashed the last assignment for one of my main classes and like I shouldn’t fail the class or anything but im like#ugh what if I get in shit for not getting revisions on my assignment#like I need to get my shit together for the next semester it’s not even funny#med mumbles
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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I miss you Lorna… this is such a mess
This is an old message and I had several other similar messages, but I miss you guys and hope you’re all doing well!! I’m sorry to see nothing has improved.
I saw I was kindly mentioned by @awesomefringey and some other commenters the other day, so just wanted to log in and say hello and log back out for a few more months. 💕
Sending so so much love to all of you. Take care of yourselves and each other, please.
The video is still on YT.
#Anywayyyyy#The fandom added a whole lot more C to my C-PTSD#So a nice random message every few months instead of a freshly posted death wish is LOVELY.#Don’t fret. On meds and therapied but fresh tf out of money from it so @ L and H… lornasaurusrexx at g*ail is the PayPal if ur bored 🙃#I hate to be like this but protect your hearts. They’ll never be able to look out for you guys and they feed these trolls ammo for snacks#and it seems to have only gotten worse. Gotta keep them hets hetbaited for their money whilst actively encouraging them to bully yall? Why?#STILL!? At this point it feels like they’ve both chosen that path deliberately now and I find it quite gross. but I’m also very far removed#So don’t worry about my opinions. Keep trusting your own intuition!!! You all see it. I love you guys and your beautiful hearts and empathy#But I hope they can sleep at night knowing the absolute fucking genuine WRECKAGE they left across the Big Gay War generation/era of Larries#Don’t worry guys I’m just as dramatic as ever. None of this has anything to do with them coming out or anything. Just how we were treated.#But trust I fuckin mean that shit from the deepest darkest pit of my Demon Larrie™️ heart. They encouraged this. 🤷🏼♀️#Anyone who cares about my actual life updates: I’m a school nurse now and will be working at a bougie summer camp over break#Had a surgery I needed. Got new tattoos and piercings. In a happy and healthy relationship with the best dude for almost a year now.#OH and I went to New Zealand last year with Prettytruthsandlies!!!! We made a pact back in our Big Gay War/college days to go. And we DID!!#I got overstimulated and overfed and puked in Hobbiton. 🤣 (It was the best time of my LIFE GENUINELY🥰🥰🥰🥰🥹🥹🥹)#Okay BYE LOVE YOU GUYS#There are better and more humane ways to maintain a closet ..like literally STFU entirely. Ignoring it and not exploiting a kid is FREE#🇵🇸
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this time of year is so exhausting. the pressure of needing to make all of my christmas presents within the next 2 weeks (I'm short on money for gifts so I decided to make art for family and friends this year) would be enough on its own to make me crumble, but on top of that, the weather is so intense its making my pain flare up and I can't afford to be running the air conditioning all the time. I feel like I'm flaring up badly again because I keep ignoring my body and pushing past the signs that I need to rest because I can't afford to! I might just pass out on december 22nd and sleep until the new year. I want to skip it all. the clock is going too fast for me- apparently thats just what happens as you get older. but its not supposed to be this fast. my clock is going at double the speed of every able bodied persons because I get maybe 5 hours of the day where I can actually do things when everyone else gets 12 or more. I'm trying my hardest and am still falling behind. I just can't rest until everything is ready. I don't want to be a dissapointing friend or brother or son because I couldn't do anything for anyone this christmas
#rant#cfs/me#for reference I'm australian and its summer here#yesterday was 35°c with the humidity making it feel like 41°c#there is only so much my meds can do#and weed is the best pain relief for me but it makes me unable to draw or do anything productive#so fuck me I guess#I really need to get NDIS support so that they can cover the aircon bill or at least a little bit of it#I can't survive in this heat and I can't afford to move anywhere else#there have been days I've thought about seriously harming myself to get a hospital trip#bc I wouldn't have to pay for the air conditioning there#its THAT bad#disability#chronic illness#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#chronic fatigue syndrome#chronically ill#invisible disability
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reminding myself on this busy morning that i also have dreams of taking piano lessons & singing lessons & also honing my writing skills & absorbing as many books as i used to when i was a kid & at the very least taking up cute tennis dates & dabbling into art & just becoming an artistic generalist. also reminding myself that there are pre-meds out there who managed to pursue something they’re passionate in (some are even professional athletes) & still excelled in medicine & if they can do it so can I
#Delusional? Maybe a little bit but this is what i wanna do w my life and I don’t wanna choose one or the other#If I drop science/medicine I feel empty#If I don’t have my creative outlets I feel empty#My existence is a symbiotic meeting of these two facets#It’s possible bc other ppl have done it but I just need to achieve godly levels of time budgeting and drive basically#I was raised on the belief that if you want something badly enough you’ll make it happen!! So that is what I’m going 2 do#I mean when I make it to residency the 80 hr work weeks probably won’t allow for much lol BUT#I don’t like the popular opinion that med school doesn’t allow time for anything else.#So many med students have said that u have plenty of time & that it will be a period of self discovery exploration etc#Idk we’ll see. But!! I intend on making this work.#p
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People talk about fast metabolisms like it's all fun and games and eating whatever you want but they fail to remember that it also means your body is Incredibly Stupid and decides that you become deficient in everything in a couple or so days where it takes most others a week. Or months compared to "oops you forgot to photosynthesize sufficiently :( no i don't care that it has been freezing and overcast for the past week, you didn't absorb enough sun. Perish Badly."
Or at least it would be if i didn't like citrus fruits so much, probably
#glaring at whatever secret brain section is in control of my body resource management. why am i iron deficient again. it has been 2½ days.#and all that has been spent mostly SLEEPING because GUESS WHAT ALSO DOESN'T WORK RIGHT BECAUSE OF METABOLISM.#SLEEP AIDS. LIKE MELATONIN#i have to take a double dose if i want these fucking dumb ass gummies to do anything. otherwise they don't do shit unless I'm already asleep#but guess what? i can't get to sleep :) because another thing in the list of Patch Problems is chronic insomnia. and i can't sleep#so the melatonin does ✨️NOTHING✨️#same goes for pain meds and local anesthetics because my metabolism is so so good at it's job :) when it does not need to be#like bbg we are not poisoned we are at the dentist CALM THE FUCK DOWN??? SO I DON'T FEEL THE DAMN DRILL IN MY TOOTH?????#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhg#i do not need so many issues stacked on top of eachother#istg i would not have survived in any century before this one. what do you mean i get sickly deficient in things in less time than Normal™️#i can't even drink plain water or it makes me nauseated. body why are you Stupid#patchy rambles#is this slightly incomprehensible? probably#but it is 1 in the morning and i am pissed at my own body for hating me so much and this is My Blog so i put My Problems on it#rgrgrgrgr
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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Learning against my will about ozempic and actually got a little pissed off when the lady describing it said once you take it youre basically on it forever to maintain results. Like i wonder where all the "concerned" people that have been fearmongering about hormones for years are now. Why are we not concerned about the potential side effects of lifelong use of these specific drugs, or is it fine because theres an outcome society considers favorable
#Genuinely irked me that all of the reactionaries and tphobes and self described feminists have been medically abusing trans ppl#But the second theres a drug being passed around like candy marketed especially toward insecure women its crickets#Like ohhh so you guys werent actually worried about 'side effects' or 'being a lifelong patient' if that werent already obvious#Blows my mind that i have to entertain these peoples nonsense on a legal level threatening my access to healthcare#emf#And before anything else: I am a firm believer in informed consent and tailoring your body to how you want it to look in any way#However i think the same arguments to dissuade trans people can be thrown back tenfold at literally any other surgery or form of care#Especially those in reference to 'social pressure' and 'social contagion' like lol#Also btw ''lifelong patient'' shit is a deeply fucked up and evil mindset that discourages people who need meds from getting them#Im just focused on that argument specifically because ltierally everyone in my life used it to try and tell me i shouldnt transition
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i feel like reading/watching mbf immediately means knowing who i am as a person and... i cannot allow this
#you all know that i can't stand gatekeeping and how that's why i bring up what i like all the time in various contexts#but the surprising thing with mbf for me is that i can't talk about it as freely to people who don't know me#because i can't find a way to translate it without having to offer some crucial segment of myself#i enjoy sharing ideas and thoughts more than anything else but i don't like sharing me the person behind them#because i really cherish my individuality as something important in spite of where it takes me sometimes#i don't want to tarnish it!!!! i don't want even the smallest piece of it to be missing because i wouldn't know what to do anymore#i'll stick to typing out thoughts here and to my mom and to my med textbooks#but i must say it feels strangely refreshing to have something that is only my own this way because i always have to put myself out there#and this way i am not giving anyone the opportunity to twist it into something terrible about me#my spontaneous outbursts might ruin this for me though#letters from stephanie*#i dislike that i can't step outside of my own experiences with this like i usually do because art should be shared#this is suchhh a crazy person post#i think i finally get what my dad means when we fight about how i shouldn't say everything i think all the time#he doesn't want me to filter myself he wants me to preserve who i am from harm because stepping up sometimes won't help#who i'm trying to help but it will ruin me in some way even if it just makes me upset#i think that's how he manages to be calm without betraying himself?#he isn't lying he's just saying what he thinks when it matters and to those that matter#like most of the time i am right to single myself out but there is a particular shade of grey when i shouldn't do it#idk this is literally donna telling the dr YOU CAN STOP NOW.#realistically i just need someone to calm me down when my passions turn against me#overly personal post once again i am sooo sorryyyy look away
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