#im so stressed about the end of that semester that just finished

[samgiddings]

I need to be put into a coma or something why is my anxiety this bad

[orcelito]

My brain is. Goop. Running at about quarter speed right now. It's a little bit embarrassing, actually.

[waklman]

Chatterbox

prompt: bob helps his teacher assistant girlfriend get her mind off work.

warnings: smut, 18+ minors dni. fingering, oral (f receiving), slight size kink and dumbification if you squint.

a/n: dont ask me why im releasing one-shots before i even finish chapter one, because i dont know either okay. but anyway, here is a peak at bob and honeybee :).

word count: 2.3k

college au, frat boy au

the after party masterlist.

Bob never had a problem with how chatty you could get. 

If there was one thing Bob was grateful for, it was his girlfriend's ability to fill in an awkward silence when needed. The blond was certain he could listen to you talk all day, running that pretty mouth of yours while he sat there nodding attentively. And it was just a plus that you looked so enamoring, eyes glittering in excitement and hands animatedly gesturing as you spoke. 

However, Bob did have a problem with how chatty you got about your TA tasks—especially when you were supposed to be forgetting about them for now. The end of the semester always came with a bigger pile of work, but today was a Saturday. Yet, you're still thinking about school.

For once, the rowdy frat house was empty with everyone visiting home for spring break. It was a perfect opportunity for Bob to finally get you out of the grayed out dorm room you trapped yourself in, day in and day out. So, when he made the move to invite you over, he had every intention to ease your stress, hence the dress code of comfy attire only. 

But this afternoon, it looks like Bob has to do more than just lay stomach down between the plush of your thighs, glasses set off to the side, letting you mindlessly braid his hair, and mindlessly run your mouth.

“Does he think I have no life?” Your pointed complaints are still ongoing, leaving you ignorant to the subtle movement below you. 

While your brewing anger is very much directed at Professor Simpson, it’s currently being spewed towards Bob’s ceiling fan—which can do nothing to argue back—just how you like it. If looks could kill, the mean glare you’re giving the motionless object suspended over his bed would be on living its last day. 

The remembrance of your professor’s threatening email to you about getting grades out, completely distracts you from the braid of blond hair in your hands, slowly losing its structure as your boyfriend shifts his weight under you. 

Again, you let out an annoyed breath. “Five days of my spring break to grade some last minute assignment he just—conveniently forgot to mention to me?!” 

You’re so lost in your story telling that you’re not even registering the hot breath dusting over your exposed tummy, and the gradual rise of your shirt as Bob uses his nose to drag the fabric upwards, ghosting his lips over your navel. 

Bob shakes his head against you, mildly entertained by your cluelessness. 

“Remind me to never work with the english department again,” you huff, hands now curling into fist at your sides, regretting your decision to assist with that course over the others available to you this semester. 

“‘Cause now I have over eighty research papers to check ove–” With a light pull of his teeth, Bob loosens the drawstring of your sweatpants.

The sound of the thick cord coming undone from the knot is muted compared to your tangent, but your ears catch the noise, your stomach feels it, and your mouth clamps shut immediately.

Blinking at the ceiling dumbly, you open your mouth to say his name, but it just snaps shut again. 

After a beat of silence, there’s two sets of fingers hooked into the loose band of your sweats next, giving your pants a suggestive tug. 

Bob makes sure to keep his patience at bay, wanting to soak in your flustered state, just a bit more. Because, honestly, he would’ve ripped these sweats off you long ago if you weren’t so cute—already so meek and tiny under him. 

With your eyes still refusing to meet his very own, you miss him running an intending gaze over the underside of your jaw, and making note of the bead of sweat running down your cheek. While you were the one mostly making him nervous in your relationship, it was a nice change of pace to inflict it back onto you once in a while. You were so obliging too. 

Bob lowly hums, eyes dropping to the strappy pink lace sitting on your hip bone, revealed by his slight yank of your sweats. “Honeybee..” he commands your attention. “You gonna let me see these cute little panties you got on for me?”

Bashfully, you lift your butt off the mattress, letting him pull it off your waist. Because, yes, you will let him. Though, you’re sure they’re thoroughly soaked through at this point. 

“There’s my good girl,” he sings, deep voice vibrating through his chest, pleased by your obedience.

If you weren’t very aware that his head was currently stationed between your legs, you would’ve clenched your thighs together at his raspy tone.

Finally, you suck in a nervous breath, redirecting your attention down to your boyfriend who’s starting to make his way down your legs—dragging down the thick fabric, leaving wet open mouthed kisses to the flesh of your thighs, to the side of your calves, and finally to your ankle. 

Near the foot of the bed, he sits up momentarily to tear your pants off your feet. They go flying into his open closet. “B-Bobby,” your breath shallows at his sudden forwardness. 

“What? Nothin’ to complain about anymore?” He quietly teases, a faint smirk playing on his lips, laying back between your ankles. 

“Well…I—not really. No it’s just–,” you stammer, rubbing the wet pads of your fingers together.

“That’s what I thought,” he cuts you off. 

Keeping his eyes locked onto yours, Bob makes his way back up your naked legs. All you can do is blink at him, arousal sitting heavy at your pulsating core. He almost looks unrecognizable. The baby blue eyes you’re so used to seeing are casted over in a thick, dark, cloud of lust. 

With him settled between your thighs, Bob’s eyes snap down to your slick, leaking through the flowery lace pattern in front of him. “So fuckin’ wet for me honey,” he marvels, licking a slow, flat stripe to your covered folds, with a slight pressure against you, coating his tastebuds in your arousal. The tip of his tongue flicks your bud, teasingly, as he moves off. 

“Please,” you thoughtlessly whine, heat blooming through your chest. 

Without so much of a warning, Bob roughly tears off your panties with one hand, pocketing it for himself. 

You raise your voice. “No! That was—” Again, he cuts you off.

In an instant, his front is pressed to yours, pushing you into the mattress, meeting you in a desperate, sloppy kiss. Eyes fluttering close, you return the eagerness, letting him swallow every small noise that sears through your throat. Then, a fuzz takes over your brain, eyes scrunching in pleasure as his knee nudges your exposed clit. The scratchy fabric of his plaid pants drives you on, more than you expected it to. 

You can’t help but to buck your hips, chasing the feeling. But the moment you start a steady grind against him, Bob stills you, pressing a firm hand on your hip, ripping his mouth from you at the realization that you’re starting to get yourself off.

At the loss of his knee, a small whine escapes your lips, and your glossy eyes blink open again. 

There’s a light threat resting on his tongue, but it immediately dies at the sight of you, pupils shot, underneath him.

Even with the steady hold of your lower half, you’re shaking as you struggle to remain still for him. The pinch of his eyebrows loosen, eyes dropping down to the heave of your chest under his t-shirt. But what finally does it, is the way his hand fully swallows the side of your hip. Experimentally, he stretches his fingers against you, scanning the amount of skin he covers with the move. 

Biting your lip nervously, you start to pathetically plead with him again. “I’m sorry. I–I’ll be good. I–Please. Will be so good for you.”

He knows he should’ve held out longer, but for some reason—he’s spurred on to get his hands on you again.

In a matter of seconds, he dips back down, placing bites on your sweaty neck. You’re so sure it’s punishment for trying to ride his knee, because he’s leaving them in spots he knew would be hard to hide.

The hand that was previously keeping you steady, extends down to your swollen folds, forcing a pitched whine from your throat as he toys your clit. “Oh–Ah–F-Fuck,” you moan, clamping one hand around the back of his neck, as the other scrunches the sheet below you.

Dipping his thumb down to your dripping entrance, he collects your slick, before coating your bundle of nerves with it. Then, Bob bites down harshly on your collarbone, continuing to draw tight, uniformed circles as you mewl from the precision. 

It’s almost heartless, the way his pointer and middle finger curl into you next, roughly working against your walls that instinctively tighten around him. You're glad no one's home, because you couldn’t be bothered to stifle the shaky moans and mindless string of pleas that falls from your lips, begging him for more. Because it just feels too good. But, even if some of his house-mates were present, you're not too sure if you could stay quiet.

"That good, huh?" He licks over one of the marks he's been littering across your skin.

Bob’s mouth pulls into a pleased smirk against the side of your neck, letting you chase his hand, hips snapping off the mattress as you soak him down to his wrist. With his other hand, Bob’s palm travels up your bunched up shirt, giving your left breast a quick squeeze before rolling the hardened bud between two fingers. 

“Tell me what you want,” he murmurs in your ear, putting more pressure on your swollen clit, working in unison with the unrelenting drag of his fingers inside you. All you can do is blabber, brows knitted in pleasure—too caught up in the building knot in your stomach. “I—I want—” You careen off the mattress again, rolling against his drenched hand.

“What is it?” He clicks his tongue at your incoherent response, fucking his fingers into you harder.

In response, another jumble of unintelligible sentences is pushed out of you. “Want my mouth on that pretty pussy? Is that it?” 

The palm under your shirt slips downward, as he removes himself from the crook of your neck, trailing down to your sopping core—all while keeping the bruising pace of his hand against you, eyes glued to the glossy sheen coating his entire forearm. It’s quick, the way he swaps from his thumb to his tongue, suctioning it around your clit, giving it all of his attention.

You’re not even sure you’re breathing anymore. There’s a burn rippling through your lungs as your jaw hangs open in a silent moan, unable to grapple the feeling of him groaning loudly against you. 

With your orgasm growing in the pit of your stomach Bob pushes you closer to it, adding a third finger, splitting you open and hitting you at the exact spot that gets your thighs to clench around his head, muffling his ears. With the confirmation that you’re close, his eyes snap shut—lapping at you with such vigor that the intensity finally sends you over the edge. 

The orgasm hits like a strong wave, washing over your trembling body as it racks every part of you. You're so sure, you felt your bones shake inside you. Underneath you, Bob slowly removes himself from your sensitive core, sweetly pressing his lips to your inner thigh, murmuring praise with each soft kiss. 

You suck in a much-needed breath of air, trying to focus your vision. At the moment, Bob has two ceiling fans overlapping over each other. 

“I–I don’t even care about the essays anymore,” you confess. How could you when your boyfriend ate you out like his life depended on it?

Tucking your chin, you curiously look down at him. With your wetness completely coating half his face, leading down to his bobbing Adam’s apple—he lightly laughs. He looks that good, and he has the audacity to laugh, causing your cheeks to heat up—as if you aren’t half naked in front of him.

You’ve always had trouble hiding your fluster when he smiled at you like that—So you’re certain, he can see how it’s affecting you. 

“That was my intention, Honeybee,” he rises to sit his knees, gently scooping you into a sitting position.

The oversized tee drops down your upper body as you sit up in front of him. You shouldn’t be—but you’re embarrassed to feel his sticky hand on the small of your back as he holds you up. “I love you, but you gotta give yourself a break. I can listen to you all day, swear it. I just—don’t like seeing you stress yourself out for no reason.”

He kisses your forehead, almost as if he's implanting the reminder there. Bob then gives your back an affectionate rub, prompting your lips to twitch, a tell-tale sign they’re about to wobble next. 

Biting down on your bottom lip to stop yourself, you lean forward, wrapping your weak arms around his neck. “I love you so much. Don’t deserve you,” you profess, brows knitted together—hit with the random urge to cry.

The only response you ever got from your incessant ranting were snappy remarks, telling you to shut up or go into another room if you were gonna talk to yourself.  But here you are, in the arms of the first person to ever admit that they don’t mind it. On top of that, he even loves you—caring enough to voice his concerns about your habit of rambling, which only resulted in a build up of unwanted anxiety.

Bob softens, pulling you closer to him, petting the top of your head. “You deserve me,” he assures you. “And you deserve a bath too, with me,” he adds on.

You quietly sniffle. “And cuddles.”

“How could I forget,” he scolds himself jokingly, drawing a giggle from you. At that, his mouth breaks out in a smile. “Then you can catch me up on the stuff you were tellin’ me about last week. You haven’t told me what happened after Professor Benjamin was caught with Bradley’s uncle.”

“Oh! Right. So when I walked in on them…” Bob listens intently, coaxing you off his mattress, laughing at your—maybe too detailed—description of what you saw. Once you’re both inside the bathroom, you move onto your opinions and theories next. Bob leans in close to your seated figure on the bathtub ledge, letting you talk into his ear, tuning out the loud bath water shooting out the faucet. 

His eyes widen, pulling back in surprise at your theory. “No way!”

“Yes, way!” You burst out in laughter, grabbing onto his shirt as he joins you. He makes sure to cradle your head so it doesn’t hit the sink by the tub. The sound of the running water can barely be heard over the obnoxious cries of laughter that come next.

After the bath, the rest of the day is spent with you playing with his hair as you stream through your gossip, updating your attentive boyfriend on what he missed out on. And he enjoys every second of it.

So, it just stamps it down further, that Bob never had a problem with how chatty you got.

note: thank you for reading, seeing that i'm struggling a bit to put something out for this series, i decided to put this out for now! :) as always, thank you for reading and reblogs are always greatly appreciated.

join the taglist for this series here or follow me on @waklman-library and turn on notifs to be notified when i post!

tags: @blueoorchid @queen-of-elves @cherrylipgloss-baby @purplevortexx @goosterroose @floralfloyd @doggo-and-goosey @chicomonks @maplesyurp07 @grxcisxhy-wp @anna1523 @laylaskywalker

[nonbinarypirat]

A rare post not about Iruma kun (yall im so stressed with finals and end of the semester, I haven’t even caught up with the newest chapters because I can’t focus on an on going story rn. Does that make sense? Sometimes when I’m stressed I can’t read or watch a story that hasn’t been finished yet. But I’ll be excited to finish then after the break.)

But anyway, I’m watching Tanaka is Always Listless and I’m enjoying it so far. Im almost done, only two episodes to go. I may make a an anime tier list soonish and this would go in B tier. Solid, not much happens (though it’s intentional) but cute characters. BUT what I don’t like is that Echizen is not canonically queer and in love with Miyano? (Spoilers for the anime going forward.) When she was first introduced, it’s subtly through Miyano. Miyano talks about her feelings on someone she’s in love with and that’s why she wants to be mature woman. And then later we meet Echizen and she’s like, idk why Miyano would want to be like you she’s perfect the way she is (to Tanaka). And then Miyano finally tells the characters (and the audience) that the person she loves is Echizen. And they both hug, fawn over each other, it’s adorable. So I was like, oh I love this cute relationship! What I liked was that it was simple but realistic. They just really like each other. And while not the main focus, the way it was addressed didn’t make a big deal out of it.

So this whole time I thought they were lesbians and dating afterwards. Just off screen. And we saw them separately or together since then and it only confirmed this for me since they often talked about the other. But then came episode 9 I think? Or 8? And Echizen thinks Ohta or Tanaka likes her. And she gets nervous about it. Which I was like, eh makes sense they are her two friends (?). And even after she gushes about it I was like, ok well they are both cute guys. Nothing wrong with feeling yourself and how attractive you are to have two people like you. Maybe she’s a bi queen. But then she starts imagining dating them and such and I was like… wait did I read the room wrong?? Because her and Miyano have so much chemistry and queer vibes for each other. They both want to impress or do/give cute things for each other. They always talk about the other. Overall, it’s super cute. So the crush on either boy felt so weird and out of place? I was really blindsided because I didn’t pick up on that energy (but then again I’m autistic so maybe I missed it?)

And now I’m in episode 10 and there’s the weird reminiscing about the past and Echizen being blushing and shy about Ohta and I’m just now realizing, oh no. It’s them giving the two main male characters a relationship. Because of course they must be dating someone, specifically a girl. Idk, kind of put me off and now I’m not liking it as much. It’s not that I think all stories need a queer couple (if only though) but it feels so weird to have it now when there hasn’t been a ton of scenes with them besides us knowing they are childhood friends.

Not to mention that I am just tired and annoyed with the trope that all leads must have a partner or romantic interest or potential romance (🙄) by the end of a show. Is this just me? But I see it over and over, the series feeling like it must have a lead character(s) date someone and I just don’t get it. Maybe this is the autism (the answer is always autism) or me being on the aromatic spectrum, but I don’t understand compulsorily romance. It feels like media is always so scared to just let a lead not date someone even at the expense of ruining a character, story, or even making sense. I don’t need the two leads to be dating someone, it’s fine if they don’t! I see this all the time (more so with girl or women main characters) and it’s so frustrating to see.

With all that being said, I know that the show is based on the manga and mangas typically can have more character depth, character lore, and stories than an anime adaptation. So maybe the couple makes more sense in the actual mangas. Just for me who only watched the anime, it’s so weird seeing her get paired with him when I didn’t get that feeling from her besides being embarrassed he knew her before she was “cool.” But I have two more episodes so maybe I was being to presumptuous? Or maybe they’ll find a way to explain it (idk how but it’s possible). So I may give more thoughts after I finish it. Idk, if y’all have read the manga do you recommend it and should I read it? Will it give me more context on the relationship between them? I’m not against the two dating, I just thought she was gay or wlw and liked her best friend. But if the manga can sell me of the ship, let me know and maybe I’ll read it (if , ya know, you don’t think the ending of the anime will make me think that by itself)

[beesfairlyland]

Hey, How are you , hope you are fine

I have a big story there I don't know to say it, OK last year I failed in one semester I have to give the exam this year but didn't study anything and also my current semester I lost so many practicals I didn't finish any of my assignments , I'm in extremely difficult situation , I don't know how get through, I'm extremely under confident person I can't ask anyone about this too . From last year I'm preapering for void I didn't get in , I'm feeling extremely stupid out of myself I'm doing so many things but nothing is working out , Idk I feel like d3ing. I can't find any escape. Sorry for the long paragraph

Hii!!💗

Im soo sorry you've to goo thru all this! Ik it must be stressing the ego out! (Kinda uss moment lol even i failed in one of my subjects that i didn't even study for) Soo who's the one stressing out? Who's problems are these?

What if i tell you....you are dreaming rn. Will you worry about something that ain't even real? Take this to be a dream....just like the one you have while you sleep. I promise there's no difference at all. Become lucid in this dream. Would you worry about some illusionary subjects or studies when uk you are the one giving life to everything. YOU ARE THE GOD!! Does GOD worries huh?

It's not you who's worried rn. It's this unreal ego that you created by your awareness. Just sit back and observe this ego. Dis-identify with it's thinking. If this ego is stressing too much then may study a bit? You don't have to stress over something unreal. You don't even need to study!!

You don't have to escape anything. YOU ALREADY ARE FREE!! YOU ALWAYS WERE. Everything that you(ego) are trying it's to get something and even if you kept 'trying' for yrs you won't get anything. It's not to demotivate you!! Im asking you to wake up now. You won't get anything from this ego's lack mindset.

You feel like dying huh? Uk what's gonna happen then? You'll 'reborn' again...stuck in this loop of finding yourSELF. In the end uk what's gonna work out? GIVING UP. Giving up trying to change. THERE'S NOTHING TO CHANGE. YOU ALREADY ARE EVERYTHING!!

You must be soo GRATEFUL to have this knowledge. This journey ain't easy ik. You need courage to destroy all the boundaries...to remove all the labels. It wasn't easy for me too in start!! Just don't give up on this path. I promise you you'll reach HOME soon!!💗

And yeah about the void....after i switched to Non-Dualism. My understanding towards void changed (yeah i was obssessed over it too lol) but I realised soo much. There's soo much i wanna say about it...ig gonna make a post today?

Hope i helped you lil bit!💗(and don't be sorry for long ask)

-love, bee💗✨

[sugar-omi]

honestly all that was sooo what i needed to hear rn bc a girls been STRESSED so thank you <3 😭

i'm gonna major in biotechnology! i went to a votech and that was my trade there and i loved it so i wanna continue studying it. not totally sure what job i want yet so i don't know how much schooling i'll do but yeah! :D

BIOTECH??? THAT SOUNDS SO COOL N SO COMPLICATED please i literally had to google that shit bc idk what it entails but this is some big brain shit, n all i gotta say is good luck n i am cheering you ON!!🎉🫶🫶

although i think you got this in the bag already. anyone with the balls to do something so advanced. is a very smart n strong person. from what im reading on google this is some really cool shit, no matter what direction you go with it. n you have your work cut out for you, but i know you got this!!

so don't doubt yourself!! you got this!!! your brain is huge n you are powerful!!!!

n of course!!! i figured saying something like that would help with anyones anxiety, because really, its the pressure (even if they're not actually pressuring you) and the overwhelm of questions and expectations that make the future so stressfullll

*ramble utc because i... cannot help yapping i guess LOL and while i'd usually be embarrassed and delete my ramble n word vomit, but i figure someone else readding this may appreciate the relatability of what i have to say about my fams reaction to my plan after hs, and find some comfort in my word, if thats not to presumptuous

because i decided to take a gap year (it's been a year since i graduated, for reference), and everyone freaked out. my mom n uncles first reaction was "yeah well, you won't go if you do..." before they came around n agreed with my reasoning. and my dad was all "if i had it my way, you'd go full time--" (mind u, he likes to brag that he worked n went to school full time AND partied.... he did not finish college LMAO) and when i graduated, said to me a MONTH. AFTER MY GRADUATION. "if you're not going to college any time soon, go into the air force."

and when my extended family would ask my plans, and i only had a short "i'm just gonna take a break right now, figure some things out, work... and by then i'll have come to a decision." because i was tossing around the thought of art school, and then i thought abt getting an english degree to be either a teacher or go into writing/editing, journaling or whatever... but was also tossing around the thought of psychology and even real estate. my ideas for my future were absolutely jumbled, and i was torn between what would make money, what i loved, and what i was interested in that i thought could be a career.

it's tough. especially depending on your financial situation yknow, so your thought process always leads towards something profitable but also wanting to do something you enjoy, maybe even love, but not wanting to burn out and tarnish your beloved hobby/hobbies.

like while i did have people who supported me upfront, and never doubted my plan, it's the small things too yknow. because for months my dad's words haunted me, i felt like i wasn't doing enough. or when i met family, and they asked how it was going, or what i was doing now, i felt disappointed that my answer was always "i haven't been doing anything. just been sleeping, drawing, writing..." or eventually that and "practiced driving.. n that's about it."

or when i'd talk to close family members, and i admitted i was going through a hard time, my mental state finally falling on me now that i didn't have to be strong n power through school. i even got sick a couple times, because my body was finally feeling the stress. even now, i feel a mental lag, a fog. but i feel clearer, a bit.

but yknow, the looks and the "you said that last time" or "i think you're lying" is tough.

but at the end of the day, if not working for the summer, or not going to college for a semester, or 2, or 3, or a whole year. or if going part time, or whatever you're doing... and it benefits you, and it benefits your mental health. then do it, don't listen too much, don't feel too guilty.

because if you need it, just like i needed the time to rejuvenate, then don't listen to anyone else. don't force yourself to do anything. because if you have the ability to take a break now, do it. you're not doing this because you're lazy, or selfish, or unambitious. or anything like that. you're taking that break, you're taking this break right now, for future you.

because if you don't take it now, when will you take it? and when you do take a break... will it be at the cost of your health? will it be at the cost of something greater? when the break comes, will it come when you're being handed the gold medal you've been fighting for.. and then it slips out of your hand just like that.

anyway.. do whats best for you. what you need. don't worry about figuring things out too fast either, because in fact, i've been plotting this moment of my life for about 10 years, genuinely, and i still had to revise it. still had to come to a conclusion because even with all that plotting, it doesn't plan for the hard times. or the 'you' you are right now. you will be someone else next week. and you will be someone entirely different 2 months from now.

take your time. because if you jump into something, and are unsatisfied, or "waste" time doing something other than what you "should be doing", the time still passes.

if you "waste time" anyway, waste it on yourself. not others expectations. or wishes. or their dreams.

and once enough time passes as well, no matter what you do by then. the questions do stop coming. the weight of the future, once you get there, is suddenly not so... big. intimidating.

you do not need a grandiose plan. if you are content with the future in your mind, that is enough. because at the end of your life, who will sit in that chair and ponder the life you lived, and weight it's satisfaction, if not you?

[hardtchill]

For me it’s very similar to the other anon. I’m turning 25 this year and I’ve still not got my bachelors degree because I had to quit my first go around at uni since i physically couldn’t learn for my exams. Granted it was compounded by other issues such as depression and anxiety but i genuinely believe that a not insignificant part of those issues come from the fact that adhd makes it near impossible to organise myself (unmedicated btw).

Seeing this on my feed rn is kind of ironic since even though im in my third year of a degree that I actually enjoy now, I literally dropped out of an exam that I was supposed to write today cuz I couldn’t revise. It’s not like I didn’t have the time and I’ve known for weeks about the deadline, but with every assignment or exam I push my own boundaries further and further back until I can’t do it anymore. Last semester I crammed 84 pages worth of notes in under 48h, an exam mind you that I’d pushed back over a year and was literally my last shot or I’d not be allowed to continue with my studies. I barely slept, I was throwing up, but I somehow passed, and with a good grade at that. Since then my brain is like, well you managed to do that that one time so you can totally afford to wait until the DAY before an exam to finish it. Or write a 15 page paper in a day.

And you know what, maybe I can. But the problem is the cost. It’s killing me. I find that it’s also very isolating cuz generally people don’t have a lot of empathy for this? So I end up pulling back from everyone including my best friends until I’m at a point again where I can be around people without letting on how incredibly bad I’m doing. Or I just straight up lie so they don’t know that I’ve not done the things i said I would do.

And all this is not just within the framework of academia. It’s also impacted my wellbeing in a more general sense - cooking for myself is hard because I tend to not listen to my body’s cues until I’m on the verge of passing out cuz i forgot to eat or drink, or by the time I’m hungry I still have to make a meal so I end up ordering something cuz it’s faster. Same with showering daily or brushing your teeth. Getting any routine started in general and sticking with it. I’ve been meaning to start exercising again but I keep delaying it for no reason. I’ve worked out regularly in the past so I know it’s something that I enjoy and that makes me feel good but despite that I’m still stuck in this place of inertia? It’s awful.

I’ve talked to some friends who also have adhd about it and the inability to start something cuz it isn’t instantly gratifying or that doesn’t align with an interest but is an obligation is quite common. Can I binge 7 seasons of a reality show in a week if it really interests me? Hell yeah! (I do watch everything at 2x speed cuz everyone talks too slow lmao but still). Will i fly through a massive book and literally forego sleeping if it means getting through more of it if im really invested? Absolutely. 1500 puzzle? Massive Lego set? Yep! Taking notes from a textbook for an assignment? Literally kill me right now.

I’m sorry for this long ass message and idek if you’re gonna read all of this but yeah just wanted to share my experience. Adhd is absolutely not quirky or a superpower and I wish there was a better understanding of it out there because it makes me my own worst enemy every day.

Ugh anon i feel you so much. I have skipped on many an exam during my bachelors because i just couldn't concentrate, focus or start revision. It's completely miserable to literally see the time go by where you feel the stress but you just cannot get your brain to start on what you need to do.

Any time i told teachers and now colleagues that i work well with deadlines i get told i'm not motivated enough because if i was i wouldn't need deadlines. That's just so unfair! My brain is graving dopamine, it's not laziness that my brain does this, it's literally just ADHD.

This is the same reason why your brain (usually) jumps into action when that crippling anxiety hits, because you're so close to a deadline that your brain can smell the dopamine.

The only reason that i finished my 6 month thesis is because i had many mini deadlines during those 6 months. I felt the anxiety to finish a part of it every month and i had a teacher who was very nice and gave you compliments when you did (DOPAMINE). If i didn't have that i would still be writing my thesis now.

ADHD is so misunderstood by so many people. It affects every part of your life and the negative consequences are so much bigger and impactful than the potential positive outcomes. I mean yeah i'm creative and can think fast, awesome but that doesn't make up for the anxiety, stress and grief you go through anytime your brain just doesn't want to start something.

[fappellmoan]

14, 18, 19 for end of year asks?

omg thank u!! 14. best book i read this year? i have been flopping largely with reading whole books there's just been so much shit going on. hmm but i read most of the house of forgetting by benjamin alire saenz (actually i need to see if i have my copy w me i wanna finish) and liked it. im reading tsh for the first time now and enjoying it so far! im really hoping to do more reading in the new year and i think i can finally be successful in that now that im winding down in school yk. it's been a bit hellish

18. a memorable meal this year? hmmmmm... i went to the smokehouse grill and me and two of my friends got high beforehand lol and then i was sitting next to this alum whose movie ive seen now like. 3 times? and felt like i was making such awkward conversation but he was cool. and our prof was walking around and he was so stressful lmfao but like we were at the finish line that was the last day of class i think so we'd all been thru hell u just have to trust me there. and one girl got the dinner singer to sing happy birthday to him which was just really funny (was not his bday) and also our ta's girlfriend (who was just there. instead of us say having a second ta to help. i forgive them the tiniest bit for being lesbians even tho they're boring) got up on stage to sing and ATE HIS ASS UP. oh i bet that guy was embarrassed lolll. i also started following recipes and getting more experimental with cooking this year so that was nice!

19. whatre you excited about in the new year? NOT BEING IN SCHOOL HALLELUJAH GET ME OUT OF THERE. then there's the Horrors of adulthood but im not even that worried i am so sick of being in school i am barely making it out alive each semester. it'll be cool to have time to try and create a life that i enjoy without having to account for like. classes. fuck college fr. and im also excited to just be able to hang out with friends and have more little adventures and just be a little weirdo and make out with some people idk

[ham-kat]

Losing interest in my hobbies

I was a part of an art club in my uni to encourage myself to draw more since I felt burned out if drawing and even though I barely have time I tried to go there in the hope that I would do more art and find more artist friends but sadly I didn't have a click with anyone there and felt really lonely there, which didn't help me escape burn out and art block, but this has been for so long I feel that this is just me losing interest in drawing and becoming an artist, only time will tell.

Uni is a big part of me losing hope to stay an artist but it wasn't the first reason, the toxicity of Twitter and other art communities didn't help either, sadly I was projected to political Twitter instead of more artists, which made me care about meaningless political arguments instead of doing art, I do regret using Twitter to be honest, the other platforms of social media didn't really show my art which was discouraging to me even though it shouldn't matter but i can't lie and that it didn't bother when I was younger. When I was young I thought to myself that if people online like my art then it would encourage me to do more and be better which is the most destructive thought process you can have as an artist. I also believe that taking off a full year to study for tawjihi (senior year if highschool in Jordan) didn't help my art because after I finished the year it felt like I lost all of my artistic skills like I'm in square one. I do hope that i don't lose my interest to my hobby because I love art and I like to draw but I feel that life has been stressing me for so long that I barely have any time for my hobbies and idk when does this stressing ends. I will try to show my art in here but I'm not promising that y'all will like it lol. Of course not everything in my life is doom and gloom, I met new people and I discovered new things that interest me, Im also doing the impossible ( watching one piece) and hopefully I'll watch more anime, I also go to a lot of places that I have never been in because I was a cave goblin who doesn't go out of his house (mainly because the street of my neighborhood is not the best for a kid to grow up in so I just didn't go out in general). I'm also really excited to start gaming again, hopefully I'll do it as soon as I get money, which I'll be getting while working in the summer semester and to test if I can't balance studying and working at the same time, working will be a pain but also financial freedom is the best thing that will happen to me to be honest lmao. I will post more blogs about work and my experience so if you wanna see that you better follow me ;).

[himbobathwater]

hey all-- thought i'd give a life update

things haven't been great recently. i'm taking an indefinite hiatus from writing because of the amount of stress i'm under right now. i think my followers and especially my mutuals (ily guys /p) deserve a bit of transparency because i've been pretty inactive for the past week beyond liking a few posts.

1) to start off with some good news-- i am planning on finishing summertime. just not now. this fic is my baby, i intend to see it through to the end, especially since we're so close now. i'll admit i haven't been as proud of the past few chapters but i still think i'll end up with a nice, well rounded story. after that i'll take a break from multichaps and only post the occasional oneshot until i think i'm ready for another multichap.

2) i've been doing a lot behind the scenes. the main source of my stress right now is the amount of work in activism i've been doing. without going into much detail, i've been doing a lot of pro-palestine fundraising, protest planning, etc. that my parents don't exactly approve of. i thought that despite our jewish heritage that they would be understanding of the situation at hand and how important this cause is, but they have a warped idea of what's happening in gaza and think i'm promoting antisemitism. they have strongly urged me to stop what i'm doing-- i won't stop unless they threaten to send me home from school. that is the only way they can get me to stop. i'm more than willing to create a rift between myself and my family if it means i get to support a cause like this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. it's the loneliest i've felt in years.

3) the semester is ending and i have a lot of schoolwork to do. i registered for next semester's classes today, got waitlisted for two classes, my advisor is being unhelpful (pretty sure she thinks i'm a freshman LOL), all that stuff. luckily next week is our thanksgiving break and i'll get a much needed week off, so i have that to look forward to.

4) i have like, 200 dollars in my bank account. that's bad. i cant afford groceries right now without completely breaking the bank. my school's meal plan is pretty much all i have right now.

to end this post off, i want to encourage you guys to not worry too much about me. despite everything happening right now, i think i'll be okay. although i'm taking a hiatus, writing has still been a good outlet. if nothing else, im getting great poetry out of this. and since i'm a writing major, i think that's good? or maybe my professors are gonna start looking into referring me to a therapist. it's fine either way. it's gonna start snowing here soon, which is nice.

i'll be back soon. not going completely inactive, just stepping back a bit. see y'all later :3

[flockofdoves]

god this is crazy… totally forgot my advising appointment is tomorrow and now im finally getting around to choosing classes for my (hopefully) last semester. i basically already knew exactly what i wanted to/needed to take but its just really weird to be like. damn. no more opportunity to take the other stuff im also interested in but wasnt able to do yet

i have one class i absolutely Need to graduate whcih is my junior year writing class i already failed once. and very grateful the professor who taught it last time is teaching it bc he was just absolutely made to teach that class even if my struggle with writing plus going through a really stressful time made me fail it. so i know that has to be the focus of my semester and everything else is pretty much optional (could finish my theater or chinese minor but dont need to) and just so i meet minimum creditsso i should try to make them as least time consuming as possible

but the thing is the one other class i Really Really want to take is an archival studies intro class at another local college that im able to take classes at (whcih ive never taken advantage of before!) and its only 2 credits and i need at least 12 to be a full time student which means out of the other classes im interested in ehich are all 3 credits taking 4 whole other classes or two more 3 credit ones plus the huge 6 credit chinese one

and while id love to take chinese again i know that historically those classes end up consuming all my work time for the entire semester..

and also one of the 3 credit ones that im most excited for is a technical production theater class where you have to work 30 hours in the scene shop over the semester. which i love to do but also i know was a lot last time i had to do it (granted it was 50 hours for that last class but)

and that plus having to drive to the archives class and also wanting to do a really good job wrapping stuff up in my last semester at my student workers coop job and also maybe finishing papers for my incomplete fails is like. a lot lol

and thats not even getting into the totally unrealistic stuff ive at least somewhat managed to stop fantasizing about doing with my last semester

[literateleah]

MISS U QUEEN!!!! hope we still on the same braid schedule. hope u have many succession thoughts. hope u are doing well and enjoying your work. hope u are writing maybe not what you need atm but what your heart wants. MISS U!!!!!! 💗💗💗💗

LOGAN HI!!!!!!!! i smiled when seeing this ask notif email in my inbox it made my night :') i really do miss being on here but to be so for real i have no idea where anything/anyone is anymore and i'm more active on twitter at the same username LMAO i have gone to the dark side. i also do in fact have a million succession thoughts (i havent watched tonights episode but im so stoked to in about 30 minutes when i finish this paper).

currently in a stressful pre-finals fugue trying to push to the end of the semester but so excited for SUMMER!! i'm gonna be doing an anthropological internship in a new city which is so so fun and i'm psyched to just have a break from "school brain" for a sec and explore

anyway this school year has been more insanely busy than i could have ever conceived but im feeling v good about everything i'm doing/the direction i'm going and person i'm growing into. v content and v grateful for sure. not writing as much as i'd like to outside of assignments/journalism stuff but i am in fact planning a substack return (double feature of a personal essay recapping my sophomore year and a s5 mrs maisel review) for later this month so hoping to get back into it once i have the time because i do miss that flow and freedom! looking forward to that and more sunshine and getting pizza w friends this week but HOW ARE YOU!!?

[udon-udon]

2022 recap

Let’s see... 2022 was a pretty wild ride, not gonna lie

Shall we start from the beginning? Hmmmm the beginning of 2022..... SheEEEESH. It was my last semester of my final year for my bachelor’s degree in graphic design for marketing (wait, I have a bachelors? LMAOOOO I forget that I have one now holy cow wait a sec). I also remember being very very stressed out about my 3 week practicum I had to do in Feb. Alongside that were a ton of projects like portfolio making, final projects for said portfolio, the grad show etc etc. It was VERY busy and stressful. Luckily, the practicum went on without a hitch, and school projects were done with, and one of the bigger projects was well received so YAY!! And then of course, graduation rolled around in April, and I finally made it!! And then I got hired right after graduation which im still super thankful for cause I got hella lucky, really. 

So work started in around late May/early June and it took a while to get used to things. I’ve never worked full time at an office before so there were many things I had to learn and stuff, but other than that I’m just glad I’m able to deliver the things I’m tasked to do, and they seem like they like me, so :’) Of course I still have my moments where I feel like I’m not cut out for the job or I think I’m doing horribly and for some reason think they’re going to fire me any time soon LOOL...  but anywho... I started a deskmat project (which is still delayed unfortunately, i don’t want to talk about it...) but hoping that can get picked back up sometime soon... I was also rushing on new prints as well for con season so that was pretty wild. 

Summer then came and WHEW. I got covid. Luckily it just felt like a regular cold, so I might have gotten a weaker strain of it. It was quite scary though since I live with family and I was afraid of spreading it to them (of course I ended up doing so cause we share the same bathroom, but they survived) Aside from that, I tabled for the first time in 3 years! AND I DID GREAT! I really missed tabling and honestly it might have been because of the turnout at the events but damn I did better than I’ve ever did, which is crazy. It really makes me want to get better and table more, but it do be pretty exhausting. Anyway, the summer was great imo, but jesus the fall took a nosedive.

September was alright, and for the second time, I didn’t have to worry about going back to school anymore which was kind of surreal again. I was finishing up the art commissions that I paused to work on the anime convention prints. I finished those up so I can focus on the Yuri Game Jam 2022 in Oct-Nov but little did I know.............. I would not be able to make it v n v. I underestimated the time management needed while working a 9-5 job and my lack of discipline... Also cause I didn’t have a clear vision of this year’s game which made me literally go in circles until I had no time left by the time I actually kind of had something down.... I became so stressed over the story that it branched out to other bad thoughts and I just spiraled really hard. Things that I said I would not let bother me had bothered me again and god I hated it so much. Why can’t I just... not think about those things. Hoping to stop those thoughts in 2023 though. So yeah I got really stressed so sadly I had to shelve the project and not release anything for this year’s game jam. I was very disappointed in myself, and it was a very tough decision to break my visual novel streak but I had to do what I had to do. After dropping the project I felt much much much much much better. Hoping to revisit the project again sometime though, now that I decided to release it whenever it’s ready (but will i have the proactiveness to go back to it? that is another story LOL)

So November was over with and December rolled around. December itself was stressful yet okay at the same time? Stressful in terms of spiraling at work again, but I also managed to just chill out and do whatever. And of course, the week-long break from work helped a ton (as I’m writing this thinking back I did absolutely nothing that week but that’s what I wanted most) Hopefully I’ll go back to work rejuvenated again cause I was clearly burnt out from work lmao. I should make use of my vacation days more man. Anyway since it was recent, I vividly remembering spiraling again over subject that shall not be mentioned, and I had no one to ground myself with so I had to try to ground myself somehow which I do try to do more so than rely on others. Luckily I recovered from the spiraling relatively quickly, so maybe it’s an improvement and if I ever encounter that subject again it’ll be an even faster recovery and soon it will be over? That’s what I’m hoping for 2023. Definitely a goal. Please let my 2023 self not let it bother me anymore please please please please (though i think i said that in 2022 no? hahaha) i jsut want to be loved v n v and not feel like my friends are leaving me one by one :’)))))))))))))))))))))))) 

ANYWAY Thank you for reading until the end. Ultimately, I want to worry less about subjects that make me go insane and just be happier. I’m a Bocchi that needs to find a close knit of supportive friends that can make me take another step in life :’)))))) LOOOOL And of course, I would like to draw more. Planning on opening art commissions in the new year some time soon so stay tuned. Hoping to table some more too! Though I don’t have much to sell hahahaha;;; Well then, until next year! 

[crowhyun]

Hi crow!! Just saw ur replies and im really glad things are going well in ur life! Cant imagine the stress youd hv to go through in the medical field and premed 😵‍💫😵‍💫, mad respect for that. But i do hope youll be able to enjoy it! Hope everything goes smoothly!

Now... OMG SJSJSJKDKSKSNKDKEKKEKSES absolutely cannot wait for u to post AKAHAHHAJJSHSJAKHJDK i will be counting the seconds to tmr. I so glad i came back on tumblr just in time for this, cant imagine missing it. Its deffo been awhile since ive read ffs or anyt in general so im rly rly rly looking forward to it!

Also im rly rly happy to hear that u want to continue AI taehyun and that u hv ideas in ur mind for it. I do rly love angst so im looking forward to it even more!!! Ill be waiting patiently for u to post it and i will savour it sweetly when u do 😁😁

I like how u used the word fated in ur reply bc i rly do believe in fate most times. Theres j wayyy too many crazy things in life that happens "coincidentally" and its rly hard to believe sometimes. Like how??? Sometimes life does some crazy things that throws u off ur tracks but it ultimately shows u another path. So i like to call it fate. I rly love the idea of fate and destiny bc life is rly uncontrollable and unpredictable and sometimes only fate is the answer behind it.

Im glad that we're fated in some kind of way. It rly is fate. From discovering ur works, to creating a new acc and now getting back to being more active on tumblr again. There j isnt an answer behind how this could've happened. So i would just like to say, its fate.

Also sort of a tmi, but the reason i love the idea of fate so much is actually bc of an anime movie "your name" i loveddd this movie so so much and it sorta revolves around fate, and the red string of fate that kept the 2 main characters intertwined and connected. Dk if u rmb but txt once released a jpnese song called "Ito", which means string/ thread. It talks about how we'll always be connected by fate and we'll forever be intertwined. I loved it so so much because it made me think of that movie and it rly just felt like fate that txt, a grp i loved released a song that resonates with a movie i loved greatly. Also 0x1's jpnese mv used comets in it which plays a key role in "your name". Theres j so many things that just seems like fate.

Woah yapped alot here, but again rly looking forward to ur work! I hope ull be able to work on it freely and smoothly, that everything goes well and u enjoy the process of writing it and the end product! Rly rly happy to hear ull try to be more active again, and I'll definitely drop by more often knowing that! Also, i think its been awhile since uve had a new anon and i hv no idea if ure still taking them, but if u are, dym if i be ☄️ anon 🥹🥹. I think the comet means so so much to me and the fact that u brought up fate made me rly think it is fate that we're able to meet despite always being inactive. Another crazy long msg i hope u like them 🥹🥹🥹, but again lots of love 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

☄️ anon (if u dont mind :))

HIIIIII i'm so sorry for answering this late, I haven't been on tumblr bcs these last two weeks of the semester are kicking my ass and my anxiety has been skyrocketing :( though, I'm getting through it

and YES, I really believe in fate, too! Whether it be god, the universe, or something else, fate is one of the things I full heartedly believe in. I'm not exactly religious, but I am a bit spiritual, and I also do tarot readings. Tarot has a lot of mixed reactions and beliefs as a divination source, but I think that rather than there being a spirit talking to me through the cards, it's fate. I do a lot of readings for my mom, and even though I forget what the cards say after doing the readings, she remembers and it's insane how the cards are always right T.T the cards fall out of the deck due to fate. Sometimes, it has be wondering if the future is already set in stone.

I've also finished watching Attack on Titan, and the future being set in stone is kinda the premise of the show if you haven't watched it. The ending also made me super depressed, and I know that I should stop watching depressing anime, but it's so good and I think a toxic trait of mine is that I like the feeling it gives me. Like, I like being sad. Idk lol.

Also, with writing, I think I found out the reason why I stopped. For one, I've kind of lost interest in TXT and kpop as a whole. I still listen to the music often, but I don't keep up with the news as much as I used to. Another thing is that watching certain things like AOT, I always wonder if I'll ever be able to create something as powerful and heart wrenching as something like that. Something to move people and have them thinking about it for years after. And due to my insecurities, I don't believe I can do that. So, every time I write, I feel like I've lost my touch, or that what I'm writing isn't meaningful enough. Tbh, I don't think it's that serious, because at the end of the day, I should enjoy what I write, even if it's not some huge hit that inspires people. I just have to fully convince myself of that.

but OMG, I haven't gotten a new anon in a really long time! I don't know what ever happened to my old anons, but I hope they're still out there lolol. You can def be ☄️ anon, and I'm so glad you asked!!!

[jayflrt]

🎀 update to redeem myself

first of all i just finished catching up with yfi786 and i LOVE IT (i hope i got the numbers right LMAO) it’s so amazing and this latest chapter was so good lis! ur always putting out amazing stuff for us 🤍🤍

second of all, the marcus thing. I KNOW ITS BAD, but trust me im not trying to have anything with him especially if hes currently with his girlfriend and i’ve even told him that i dont want to do anything at all with him if hes still “with” his girlfriend. it feels morally wrong and he would be doing her dirty even if she treats him like shit and cheats on him constantly. just recently me and my friends went to the beach and he’s a lifeguard there for the summer and i was getting drinks for me and my friends and he saw them so he was like you know catching up with them and stuff and out of nowhere he started asking questions about ME like where am i, how have i been because i’ve left him on delivered for like a week and a half. and it wasn’t until he saw me come up that he started talking to me and paying attention to me. and it’s just so weird because he’s unfollowed his girlfriend on every platform and even deleted pics of her but she still has them up? it’s so odd. i don’t want to be anything with him though because i know it’ll hurt me in the long run even if he does like me. like it would be so much easier to let him go if i hated him but i have no reason to because he’s so good to me :( AND when he asked me to the formal he wasn’t with his gf HE WAS BROKEN UP WITH HER.

my summers been good you know, i’ve mainly spent it at home because this school year was soooooo stressful i just need time to have a break and kind of recharge my social battery.

recently i’ve been writing a LOT more, like that fic i told you i had in my google docs girl it’s GOINNNNN.

how have you been lis! how’s work treating you :(? also that vacay sounds FUNNN where yall going??? AND I LOVE NEW PCS. i’m so excited for back to school shopping (im a stationary SLUT) -

hihi 🎀 anon!! how have you been?? 🫶 i hope life's been treating you well 🌷 !! also you did get the numbers right!!! funny story it was supposed to be 768 initially but i was the one who messed up the numbers 💀 so i'll never put it past you if you happen to mix them up!!

this guy is so confusing omg 😵‍💫😵‍💫 why did he get back together with the gf if she cheats on him sm?? especially if he started paying more attention to you after he broke up with her ?? i'm so sorry ml i would be so overwhelmed and lost if i was in your shoes rn 🫂 i feel like this guy needs to sit down and figure out wtf he wants because he cannot be wavering from side to side !!

no i totally get that 🥲 my social battery always DIEDD at the end of the semester and thankfully all my hometown friends are the same because they'll be like yeah let's hang out in a few weeks after we have a social battery again LOL but i hope you enjoy the rest of your summer !! 💗 AND OMGGG tell me more about the fic you're writing if you don't mind sharing 🤭

also work's been stressful but we're getting by!! 🥲 i also just get fatigued sometimes when it's hot so rn the weather has me like 😴😴 and im going to miami !!! 🥰 super excited because this friend group i'm going with hasn't been on a trip together in soooo long :') AHHH SO MANY NEW PCS i recently bought some jeonghan and jay pcs im 🧎‍♀️ I LOVEEE STATIONARY SHOPPING but mind you i've used like the same mechanical pencil throughout college i just kept replacing the lead 😭😭

[adhdsleepdeprivedstudent]

holy fuck it’s been a minute since i posted!

almost 1600 days as a matter of fact aka almost 4 and a half years. my last post was early december of 2019, so like 3 months before life as we knew it ended.

tldr at the end!

this blog was largely based around the adhd experience in school, so some school updates!

i was a senior in 2020 so i “graduated” that may and my entire first year and a half of college was 100% online so that was certainly…interesting. second semester of sophomore year they reintroduced a couple of in person classes, mainly ones where zoom was impractical to use, such as my ASL classes. so i was one of the first students back on campus and that was cool but also horrible and extremely stressful and difficult to navigate. i was already struggling with my grades but that just made it worse. i started failing classes left and right, and basically failed my entire junior year first semester. second semester junior year i had just completely given up but was still taking classes to please other people, i enjoyed the actual learning between my two degrees but i just couldn’t keep up with school and everything else in my life. and then this last fall i had signed up for classes two weeks into the semester bc i was originally planning to take the semester off so i was extremely behind….and then two weeks after that i found out i had to move to a different state and ended up having to drop my classes anyways.

that break really forced me to slow down not just in school but all aspects of life. i got “settled” about halfway through october just to have to spend about 50-60% of the next 5 months traveling to and from home and my new state for many reasons. as it stands currently, unless i wish to pay out of state tuition i have to wait until about february or march of 2025 before i can get enrolled in a local university.

HOWEVER, i have decided and am actively looking into EMT schools for the summer and am currently looking for a second job in order to save up for that and im extremely excited about it! ill finish those degrees later lmao.

now, for the not school related life update that will show yall just why i was gone!

as many of yall may know i was diagnosed with adhd at 16, so in 2018, and had just been figuring a bit of it out when i started this blog. i was working and going to school and dealing with a lot at home but it was manageable for awhile. junior year was stressful and then i got extremely sick right around when i stopped posting so i had ended up taking some time off from content in order to focus on that. then covid hit and my life completely crumbled. i was already in online school so i didn’t have to slow down or wait for my school to figure stuff out and was able to finish business as usual. i was living at the time, with my grandparents, mom, sisters, and brother in one house, so it was always chaotic but being stuck in the house became a nightmare. lots and lots of family drama came from that and we were all stuck there because of how at risk both my grandparents and mom were.

the summer rolls around and i end up finally able to leave the house and get another job. it was a shit job but it got me out of the house so that was worth it. my “best friend” and i had been searching for apartments together so id needed to save money and was actively buying things and scheduling tours until she told me with less than a weeks notice that she was moving states and shortly after that basically quit acknowledging my existence. between family stuff, struggling with the start of college online, and then that i was not doing well mentally. i was lucky enough to have a couple friends that saw this and made sure to constantly keep checking on me and getting me out of the house more and more.

and then we moved. my mom, sisters and i started looking for a new place to live winter of 2020. my health had also taken a serious toll. i couldn’t even sit up in bed without feeling dizzy and was fainting regularly and had to quit my job because it got so bad. january 6th i got a call from my dr to go to the er immediately after she got some lab results back (i watched the capitol riot live on tv in the waiting room!) and was hospitalized for a few days after that. i got released and that next day we toured a house and it ended up being the one we bought.

within a month we were moving into the new house, school was kicking my ass, and i was still struggling physically and it had taken an even bigger toll on my mental health.

at the end of my freshman year i got a puppy and he and my friend genuinely saved my life. that summer, our family dog passed extremely unexpectedly and i had to pay all the vet bills for that and it really damaged my finances. my brother moved in and my life got worse again. and then we rescued a 3 week old kitten and couple months later i started another job. and then quit that job because my health was declining once again.

spring of the next year my sister and i got a job at the same place, and life seemed to start to steady minus my failing every class i took and my mental and physical health continuing to decline.

by fall of that year, after a lot of struggling throughout the family and a lot of other issues, we collectively agreed we had no choice but to send my brother rehab. he went, got out, immediately relapsed and we decided he had to go live with his biological father. i was thrilled because my brother genuinely abused me and then i adopted another kitten for my birthday that year.

this situation led my mother and his father to reconnecting and a month later they were engaged, they got married about 6 months later and had a long distance marriage of my mom traveling back and forth between him and my brother and the rest of the family.

about 4 months later my best friend moved states and it really sucked. and then another couple months passed and we found out that despite my working 60+ hours a week on top of school, i wasn’t going to be able to make ends meet anymore as we lost one source of income that had been what we needed to make ends meet each month.

so we moved my sisters into our grandparents house again since they wanted to stay in that state to finish school as they had less than a year left, i packed my stuff and my pets and after months of wondering what i was going to do a room at the house my moms husband/his parents and family/my brother opened up and my brothers grandparents were gracious enough to let me move in without having to pay rent. apparently i was a better option than the alternative. my mom conintued to split her time between here and back home.

i unexpectedly had to make a trip with my best friend back home as an old friend had passed and we wanted to attend the funeral so we went home for a couple days. a week later i was back home once again for thanksgiving and birthdays during which i was present at the mall for black friday shopping w mom and grandma and experienced a mass shooting. and then thought my sister was shopping at the same mall w her boyfriend and damn near was running back in while on the phone with them when he corrected her and told me they were at the other mall……not at all traumatizing. and again three weeks later for christmas. january i was job searching and got a job early february…just to have to, you guessed it, make another emergency trip home! my sister had gotten into a snowboarding accident so we flew my mom back there that day and the next day my sister stopped breathing because she was medically overdosed so that was a very traumatic call to get. my best friend flew me back home about a week after her accident to help out, god bless him for buying the plane tickets and my boss for hiring me and immediately letting me leave town!

while back home, my other sister got engaged, and a month later we went on a family vacation. i’m now back at my new house again, planning my next trip back home for my sisters wedding in less than a month, and a second trip later in that same month for their graduation.

seriously, bless my boss for being so insanely understanding and flexible.

throughout all this time my grandpa has had a handful of major health scares so that’s been a constant concern. but they are moving out here after my sisters graduate! and my sister that isn’t getting married is going to school in another state, and the one getting married will obviously be moving in with her soon to be husband.

hopefully i’ll have a second job by early june, and will be able to save enough to start EMT classes by august.

i don’t know how i would’ve made it through the last few years without the friends i have. they’re genuinely the best people i know. and of course my dog and cats, my babies, the reason i get out of bed.

so, if you read that far, first of all, congratulations bc that was a lot! and second, if you think that was bad, just know i was only scratching the surface! yay me…

tldr: life has actually sucked so insanely bad the last 4.5 years and it is from the combined effort of a miracle from God and a couple of ridiculous lot stubborn friend and my pets (and multiple therapists! sandra, natasha, kennedy if you see this, you the real ones!) that i’m still here.