#it's not even conscious on her part
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It’s Over, Isn’t It
Some Perigees Prior | Priori Poster | Clover Park
Priori looked up at the tall indigo, who’d texted her a few nights ago demanding to meet, and she shook her head.
“Erikaa.” She said, almost gently. “Why are you here?”
“Don’t you know?” Spat the highblood. “I thought you knew everything.”
The olive shrugged. They both knew that wasn’t how her power worked - especially if she didn’t want to know something. The whole point of Cherie’s meddling had been to make it controllable. More than it had been, anyway.
She did know it was best to let her former conspirator have a moment of resentment, especially when it wasn’t really Priori the indigo was angry at. A warm wind blew through the park, ruffling each woman’s hair.
“Tabula’s dead.” Erikaa finally said, after they’d both watched several trolls go by, searching for a free picnic table. The park was meant for midbloods - a troll as tall as Erikaa, with her caste and white hair, drew some attention - but no one wanted to bother an indigo in a nice suit, even one without paint.
Priori’s shoulders hunched, and her breath caught for a moment.
The white-haired woman gave her a sardonic look. “Thought that’d get your attention. Looks like she and that ghost hag did each other in. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see it.”
The wyvern troll made no noise, only stared straight ahead. Hm. Well. This made things less complicated, didn’t it?
She came back to herself, tapping her fingers against the aged and cracked wood, not really caring if she got splinters. If it were someone else, they might be lying to her…but that wasn’t Erikaa’s style. Unlike the purpleblood’s former moirail, she’d always been blunt.
“So where have you been instead?” The greenblood asked softly. “You’re a writer, aren’t you?”
The lanky troll stared at her in disbelief and disdain. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say? You clung to that maroon like she was life itself, not that she ever seemed to care. I don’t know why I bothered telling you.” She sniffed, dismissive.
“You want something.” Priori stated simply.
She didn’t mind, she only wanted to know what it was. She could tell it was something desperate, for Erikaa loathed her own needs, loathed coming to a mere oliveblood about them.
“That clinic.” said Erikaa scornfully. “Are they any good?”
The indigo didn’t have to say which one.
“For many things, yes.” Answered the wyvern troll.
“Could they fix me?” She said, deathly intent, leaning forward slightly, her pale eyes narrowed. “Could they take away this curse? I’m tired of it, Priori. I didn’t get suppression tech like you did because I was too ‘useful’. Because I could find everyone they wanted without even trying - I wish I’d had to try.”
Her pale, bony fists clenched. “I saw that medic in charge of it the other night, drawn by my power. She thinks I don’t remember her - she’s wrong. As if I’d ever forget someone like Wistim. She could have helped me. I would’ve paid her anything.”
“She was frightened of you.” Offered the olive softly. “When she was young.”
“Me?” Snorted the indigo, waving a dismissive hand. “It’s Sfinct she should’ve been scared of, back in that godawful place.”
“Mm.” Hummed the other woman, nodding in agreement. Lexius Sfinct had been a threat of many hues, all the more so because she meant well.
Erikaa looked at Priori again, really looked at her, threading her slim fingers together as she stared the much shorter troll down.
“Why aren’t you upset about Tabula? You owe me that.”
Priori Poster had never owed anyone anything, and didn’t plan on starting.
“Why aren’t you upset about Cherie?” She countered, even and mellow.
Her former conspirator’s mouth twisted. Erikaa bit her lip.
“Because they’re not fucking worth it.” She said after a moment, with a quiet spite and disdain that could have shriveled the leaves off any plant.
Priori nodded; she very much agreed.
“Your breakup doesn’t deserve to be mourned; Tabula doesn’t need to be. She should have died long ago.”
“What about you, girl who bargained with gods?” Said Erikaa mockingly. “If you’ve let your lover go, why didn’t you leave like Naeyrn did? What’s even here for you anymore?”
The mechanic gave the highblood her usual smile.
“I want to see what happens.”
The indigo rolled her eyes.
#cloud writes#priori poster#erikaa josiet#I've had half of this in my drafts for a while and just wanted to finish it#a short little thing but one I enjoyed doing. two weird women with weird powers.#erikaa's is that she's passively drawn to anyone with psiionic powers; the stronger they are the more she's drawn to them.#it's not even conscious on her part#and she can't shut it off
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i have... ✨Danyal Al Ghul Headcanons✨ but specifically for my yaelokre danyal oneshot
There's also the tumblr post here but I recommend the link in the title because its the ao3 version, and that one is edited and has some stuff in it that's not in the tumblr post, and will be the version I'm using.
So for summary: this Danyal is also from a Demon Siblings Au where Danny is five years older than Damian. However, things turned out a bit differently, and Danny and Damian had a fantastic relationship with one another. Danny loved music and regularly came up with songs to sing to Damian with. Specifically the folk band Yaelokre's EP "Hayfields" (seriously go fucking listen to it its sooo good. Harpy Hare is the second song but its my favorite. Special shoutout to @gascansposts for introducing the band to me)
He falls off a train when he's twelve and Damian is seven while the two of them and Talia are on mission. He ends up with magically induced amnesia and wakes up in Arkansas while the Fentons are on their yearly Divorce-iversary visit to Aunt Alica, and since he can only remember his name, he ends up being taken into their care.
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Yaelokre Danny has the same facial scar as Things in Threes Danyal, since he was initially another version of him where things turned out better. I'm debating on whether or not I should take it away however, and give him a different scar (maybe from when he fell off the train?), just because the scar is a pretty key identifier for Ti3 Danyal.
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Danny frequently visits Aunt Alicia in Arkansas! Well, only after he gets settled in and stuff. He doesn't really like the city that much and prefers the countryside where Alicia lives. I know she lives in a cabin but I'm changing it to a farm, so she puts Danny to work and gets him to help her.
I don't want to confine his hobbies to only being star stuff, because people tend to have more than one hobby and I feel like it reduces him to one-dimensionality, so he likes to garden, and learns guitar. His room becomes filled with plants, and he turns their roof into a rooftop greenhouse right below to OPS Center.
He has a complex relationship with the weapons from his past, but he's not... like... appalled by it? When he finds his weapons in the Fenton attic all he thinks is that they're his weapons, and he starts carrying a knife on him afterwards. Essentially he becomes fascinated with weaponry because its one of the few physical ties he has to his past, and while he's not training like he is in the League, he allows his strong muscle memory to guide him through his katas.
Danny likes climbing things. This causes Problems For Everyone Else.
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Danny was not the "kinder Al Ghul" in the League. His kindness extended to his brother and family, and that's it. To everyone else he had high expectations out of them, and the pride you'd expect from the grandson of Ra's Al Ghul and trained by its top members. While he wasn't like, unnecessarily cruel or anything, he wasn't merciful either.
This transfers post-train fall as him coming off as no-nonsense and unforgiving. He's not fond of the idea of giving people second chances, and is skeptical of the idea. He's disgusted by incompetency and views it as an unforgivable offense, especially if he thinks that the person should know better, although he's not sure why. Some egocentrism for the soul.
He doesn't like being touched by anyone who isn't family, and gets irritated when anyone grabs him or holds onto him for extended amounts of time. Dash has gotten hit so many times. With Jack Fenton's tendency for abrupt physical affection, it doesn't make it any better. I'd argue it'd make it worse because Danny doesn't want to be touched more often than not.
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Danyal had a red scarf in the League that he wore on his last mission, it came off before he fell off and caught itself on the roof. Damian still has it and took it with him to Wayne Manor. He's got it locked in his room and takes it out when he's alone and missing Danny the most. One time he forgot to put it away before leaving his room, and Dick was visiting the manor for something and found it. Damian found him holding it and freaked out.
Dick could only say "I've never seen you wear this, Damian, this is really pretty--" before Damian shoved him to the floor and stole it out of his hands, before screaming at him; "Don't touch this! You don't ever touch this! This is mine! You hear me!?"
It caused such a commotion that the rest of the family present came to see what the fuss was about, and Damian kicked them all out of his room. Dick is the one brother Damian's the closest with, so the fact he reacted so strongly shocked them all.
This is likely what leads to the "Danyal" conversation.
#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#danyal al ghul au#yaelokre danny#yaelokre danyal al ghul#the yaelokre danny post didn't really go into him interacting with other people but i'm trying to figure out his personality post amnesia#just know this: he's not canon danny. im spitefully refusing to make him a Cookie Cutter of canon danny because the idea pisses me off lmao#he's complex and confused and morally gray even with the amnesia bc memories aren't stored in one part of the brain they're stored#in different parts depending on the memory and muscle memory exists and danny might not actively remember the things that shaped him but hi#body does. and somewhere deep in his mind so does his brain. his memories weren't destroyed theyre locked away in a place where his active#conscious can't reach. plus its magic amnesia and i have comic AND cartoon realism on my side.#danny's personality from the league doesn't get challenged that much by the fentons because danny's learning this about himself just as muc#as they are. Jazz can't “Fix” what's wrong with him when neither of them know it and Danny is always the first to figure it out and then#keeps it to himself. Also. Jazz has a fucking life? she's not the family therapist she has friends and hobbies even if we the viewers don't#see it. But also i just really deeply despise the idea that Jazz “fixes” danny's league issues just by existing and being the therapist#because it waters her down into a one-dimensional character who only exists in the context of providing emotional support and life advice t#danny. also therapy only works on someone that's actively trying to change. otherwise its just psychoanalyzing and people tend to hate#being psychoanalyzed without consent. which as a result may have them refuse help. anyways point is: i believe that growth is slow and#complex and danny would hide a lot of the stuff he discovers about himself because if there's one thing he still retains from being an#assassin. it's how to hide. he likes jazz but there are some things you just hide from people.#damian also told dick to “keep his filthy hands off his things”. which was also a shock because it sounded something he'd say more to tim#damian was distraught the entire time.#okay thats all i have for now.
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And since I'm like, not entirely satisfied w her design, I have. Some scraps I made after
I highkey wish I stuck to my main vision, that's been with me since day one. Which is, the layered ribbons. In the main piece, I tried reducing them so you can see more bones and some more Hel-like "armor" underneath (though it's generous to call it that lmfao). It was an impulse decision, and like... idk, you kinda miss the point without it.
Point being, there's like... A Lot, going on here.
> The white dress? Completely imagined. I could have fucking SWORN she was wearing a white dress in the Book 3 key art. But one thing about me is I'm a sucker for the symbolism, behind the white dress. So it's a staple of her design, still. Not to mention, something that was always a strong vision was being able to see through the dress, somewhat (ghostly glowy effect)
> The Biggest Thing though. Again, I regret changing last minute LMFAO. Is that front piece. Like an open wound, as if she was slashed and split down the middle. Messy layered ribbons, in pink and flesh tones, to mimic "guts" (ESP strong in her damaged art, where the ribbons would "spill out"/come undone). The ribbons also are keeping the dress tied together -- as if it were mended. Then, there's the frills! The torn fabric! I'm always iffy about How heavily I want to lean into it, but in the back of my mind. It has a vaguely yonic shape. But Mostly, it's meant to also just look torn open LMFAO (and then decorated 🥰)
Everything else is just vague and experimental. Like nods to a variety of chara's designs (the shorts/thigh highs lifted from her base art, the shape of her dress/the tattered ends lifted from Lif, the sleeves kinda lifted from Henriette, and also the hairstyle VERY much lifted from Henriette -- with just the tiiiiiniest hint of Alfonse in there, with a long strand of bangs to the side, opposite of his). Also experimenting with sharp teeth like accents on her outfit... (hard to notice here, but. Thinking about it)
Another sketch I did afterward, again. Just. Fucking around/finding out. Though I do like the shapes here, more.... and it does have a closer resemblance to Henriette, actually (in dress shape). Not sure where that collar connects to, though LMFAO
In the final piece you don't even see much of the armor I designed anyway... some parts I just ended up omitting regardless, due to the complexity/business. There was a concept for it to be like. Winding around her body. But like. Her design is already so complicated. It really wasn't worth it to fuck it up more 😔💔 (and yet......... that's what I did................. I should have just stuck to my guns.............)
@sharenaweek
#sharenaweek2024#bonus post. bc i have Regrets LMFAOOO#overall i think she just needed more time in the oven. maybe i'll rotate her in my mind some more#also let it be known. cause i have been SO annoying about this in the past and i'm NOT about to go back on my word#i honestly don't even see this design as being sexy/fanservicey. she's serving cunt. there's a difference. to me.#like obvs you can have both but like. to me she's just slaying here. literally. as well. girl STOP HE'S ALREADY DEAD#but also like...... i guess part of why i'm so self-conscious about her is cause i'm. tapping into Something. here#not telling you what.#you get it.#sharena#helena au#my art
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the duality of misao being one of the few psychiatrists in arkham that has actually made progress with some of their patients and treats them like human beings, but also someone who does a complete 180° later + EATS her patients and gaslights people who ask about them into thinking they were never committed there is currently making me go feral. like girlll why are you like this JSJSJ
#ALL POWER DEMANDS POWER AND SACRIFICE: musings.#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.#and whenever i say it's making me go feral i mean it both puzzling as well as intriguing to me that misao seems to not be on ANYONE'S-#side even when it may seem like she might just care about her patients bc she not only gaslights any of the staff and patients who ask abou#them into thinking that the person was never there BUT also destroys records of them ever having been there which would take quite a bit#of effort on her part to do and that is just. wow but like i said here misao is probably one of the only doctor's throughout the years who-#have treated their patients with empathy (even if most of it is faked on her part JSJSJ) and even does thing's like keep a cupboard-#full of snacks in her office for them so that they could have something better to eat than the cafeteria food...#and that is why i believe that it honestly wouldn't be too far-fetched for misao to end up having a redemption arc because-#she honestly doesn't like a LOT of the staff there because they still advocate for the use of barbaric practices like ECT on fully-#conscious people and as a regular treatment when it should be done under anesthesia / while the patient is asleep and be a 'last resort'#kind of thing you know? plus she has heard them talk about her behind her back before bc they think misao's 'weird' sooo yeah.#she isn't COMPLETELY evil but she still does thing's like eat people which is heinous in and of itself but even more so when there's-#a power imbalance between you + the other person because some people in there i could imagine would probably grow to trust her-#as an authority figure buttt misao would fully intend to take advantage of that so she could eat. and that is uhhh TERRIBLE to say the leas#tw: mentions of cannibalism.#tw: mentions of medical malpractice.#tw: manipulation.#tw: mentions of a power imbalance.
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Bradley's a real sunset bitch and Jake's a real sunrise ho, and nope, I won't elaborate any further.
#hangster#sereshaw#jake hangman seresin#bradley rooster bradshaw#jk sure I will#Jake loves a good sunset too especially with Bradley by his side and a cold beer and the waves hitting the shore#but the early morning is his time - he's up and halfway through a five mile run before Bradley is even conscious most days#because growing up that was almost the only time it wasn't unbearably hot for a run and it was his solace away from his loud family#and now it's just part of his routine (and Bradley being in bed all sleep rumpled and groggy and then following him into the shower doesn't#and Bradley loves a good sunset because his parents loved a good sunset#and growing up his mom would take him out to the ocean just in time for the sunset - no matter how long a day she'd had -#when she needed to feel close to his dad again#it was the last place she asked to go before she was too ill to leave the house (Bradley wrapped his arm around her waist and supported her#and now every sunset reminds him of her and his dad - but mostly the memories are happy now#and Jake helps make sure of that#Bradley has lost count of how many times Jake's sandy fingers have cupped his cheek for a sunset kiss
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thinking about her and her siblings
#specifically the way she doesn’t use the word treason to describe their actions even though the likelihood of them in reality being#at the least complicit in her usurpation is not a small possibility#and like not deeming their actions treason is a way that she can save them from facing the full ramifications of it without seeming weak#she kinda shifts responsibility and culpability away from them and seems to be conscious in the fact they were ? not given much of a choice#in taking part in the rivalry between her and their mother#and like her calling her half brothers half brothers to me personally is ? not a way of disavowing the blood they share and more of a way of#bringing her mother back to the forefront and the fact she IS a product of viserys’ first marriage#she’s relying very heavily on the widow’s law for legal precedence to combat mentions of the great council#and the fact her claim can’t be considered in the same sense that it might be if she was alicent’s first child#and like - she can only really do that because she was invested as princess of dragonstone#so her claim was official. it mattered in the sense of viserys made it matter#and thus couldn’t be passed over the way it would’ve been#and like with helaena she doesn’t really need to have that distinction in place because HER claim wasn’t being discussed at all#and like I do think she was serious on giving them places of honor at her court after she’d ascended#she’d just never got to that part#like it’s ? complicated#it’s ? she cares about them . she doesn’t know them
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Quick concept doodle for my worstie To the horizon
#keese draws#rain world#rain world oc#rain world iterator#iterator oc#rw iterator#she’s one of the two rich guy commissioned iterator ocs I have and she’s also the younger of the two#he’s also the one that’s built in the middle of the giant lake that most of his local group is based around#he was commissioned to basically be a glorified vacation center for a bunch of rich ppl and she’s Very aware of that#she’s extremely self conscious abt the entire basis to her existence and is very much a try hard because of that#he’s also very bossy and snappy with his local group as he worries that he’ll be blamed for any incompetence on their part#In general she just cares a Lot abt justifying her existence beyond just being another trophy for some guy#she has a strained relationship to her sibling iterator golden boon as well despite them facing some similar struggles#golden boon was also made for a different purpose than primarily solving the great problem as they are basically a massive productivity#tool built to maximize the work of their inhabitants and they basically hosted a company town#now golden boon absolutely Hated this for a variety of reasons but they had a more defeatist attitude abt the whole thing#leading to a lot of conflict over their lives as horizon saw boon as lazy and whiny and boon saw horizon as an asshole and also as whiny#and they both even more so hated their older two neighbors as they found prosperity to be annoying and stars to be a spoiled brat#they were also not very kind to sliver but they had less active resentment towards her than with everyone else in their local group
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i think about even taking things from the people around them they love and making them a part of themself, and i am filled with joy. and then i think about them picking up the master's habit of tapping out a drumbeat rhythm and replicating it as their own nervous stim, and i feel ill.
#i keep trying to explain what the fuck is going on between those two but i just keep landing on It's Complicated.#and it's not love. it really isn't. but. whatever it is. it's enough that the master is a part of them in ways they can't remove.#in ways they have only ever before allowed the influence of people they do love.#even talks about their hearts despite only having one and they refuse to wear shoes fancier than sneakers because of the doctor#their handwriting looks like donna's. if a good bit messier. and there were only so many times they could hear her go 'oi!' before they#began echoing it.#they bite their tongue between their teeth when they smile like rose did. they try to hug people the way jack harkness once hugged them.#all of that. all of that.#and also. when they're upset. they tap out a drumbeat. and no one in the world would recognize it as such except the person they stole it#from. and the doctor. who heard what it's echoing once and knows what it means.#it's not a conscious thing. it's just a part of them now. ough.#dw oc#(even voice) i survived being stuck in a time war pocket dimension with a murderer as my tardis roommate and all i got was this shitty stim
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As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.
#speculation nation#bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!!#well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol)#but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad.#i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning)#he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay#but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and#thats my dad. Thats my Dad.#im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go#dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone#so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant.#and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one?#take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say.#but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did.#seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him.#makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me#we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad.#sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today.#negative/#death/#hospitals ment/#idfk. sorry
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no bc the headspace of bdsm is so fucking real. like i have done things in scenes that i straight up didnt think i could or would do without thinking. if i let myself get fully in pupspace it just comes naturally to me not to talk other than whines or growls. the body language comes naturally too. Its kind of wild how plastic the human mind is
#thinking abt when i was topping my gf a few days ago in dog mode and she tried to shift position/manoeuvre a bit and i. straight up growled#like. full teeth threat display#just bc i wanted to be doing all the movement and needed her to stay down and take it#but like. that wasnt a conscious desision on my part. at all#i didnt even fully process what was happening until she was going “okay- okay okay i wont move im sorry”#and that. god that did something for me#growling at someone to stay down so i can breed them?? fuck okay#yeah#bark bark
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my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)
me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha
#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at#like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here!#i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE#i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality#and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way#& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person#but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone#like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH#idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better#and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell#not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell#that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point#i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people#and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off#when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards#hella goes home
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it's interesting how characters do take on a certain position in headspace as you write. i've been trying since june last year to find a scenario where lizzie would legitimately wear tommy's clothes while they have sex, including having him very lightly imply this might be possible in passing at inappropriate intervals (the night of his daughter's death was a terrible time for him to do this really, even if i buy into the whole 'please be me because i can't cope with being past me or current me right now' that motivated [me to write] it), but...
lizzie is just so femme she doesn't even have a framework to acknowledge these suggestions are anything other than tommy putting random words one after the other. wear some boxy unfitted man's suit instead of her amazing, cutting edge fashionable dresses? not lizzie
#it will take place in one of those many post-death scenarios#when i really lean into the whole lizzie becomes him [unhealthily] in his absence; the haircut was one thing#the clothes will come and then a return to the midland hotel#in the meantime lizzie would without hesitation have sex with sleeping (drugged) tommy if he happened to have an erection#she wouldn't even tell him after.so idek really#the man is suspicious of why she keeps encouraging him to take more sleeping pills and chase them with booze#'if you can't get it up while you're awake.well.then....'#sleeping pills can.in a rare but known adverse reaction.cause unwanted erections or maybe priapism which would be painful if conscious#lizzie considers relieving it all a part of her duty of care#obs this is not medically accurate because actual priapism can't be relieved that way but you know...#she does get desperate there for a bit
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I just got the Wounded Wild and I. Am inconsolable. I'm so fucking sorry love of my life I'm so sorry!! Fuck!!
#slay the princess#now playing#as soon as I saw her i started soBBING#weeping even#how could i do that to her... horrible#this was my first time exploring the witch and the wild#and the wild was FASCINATING#especially for something i found (as I often do with fun stuff in this game) basically by accident#i had no idea that would happen#but then once i got to it i was like#very excited to hear the princess in my head#almost conscious of her part in the shifting mound#conscious of me#and i wanted to reach out to her#but at the same time her needing me to ignore the feelings felt wrong#at least from the perspective of the player in that construct#but also i have larger feelings about the shifting mound as a whole like. not listening to you until the very end#anyway i zeroed in on that and had to keep poking the feelings#and i. did not expect it to have such upsetting consequences.#i know it's all temporary and meaningless and she says don't mourn them#but i do mourn them#we hurt her over and over and i feel it every time#and oh my fucking god did i feel this one
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my friend pisses me off soooooo bad
#i text her first to ask abt how her essay is going wish her luck 2 times and she doesnt even like the message or say anything she just#changes the topic and then leaves me on read. okay#plus shes been getting so weirdly paranoid that im talking shit abt her to other ppl just bc ive finally made some other friends that arent#her after 1.5 years of suffering alone at my uni#(which i seriously to be honest do just bc shes been getting on my nerves with a lot of things lately)#but like man . throughout the 1.5 years that weve been talking to each other we havent progressed enough to call each other by#our first names to get the other to turn around etc i dont think we r close enough for me to abandon the wonderful religious practice of#sometimes discussing the things that your 1 friend does that piss you off with your other friends but then still hanging out with them#not because youre some sort of irredeemably evil two faced motherfucker but because thats just a normal part of having social relationships#mp#like i get that insecurity sucks and its a shitty feeling etc but ive literally dealt with this my whole cringe embarrassing childhood &#teenage years LOL like as long as your friends still make a conscious decision to spend time with u & u have fun together#then i think you dont need to worry. which is what i do so#the sun will rise again tomorrow
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ok that was a new one
#trying to fall asleep half falling asleep and then instantly waking up in a cosmically dissociative state#that was not ok. it can't start happening to me without an adverse reaction to treatment ...#i can't remember when the other time in my life i experience a similar thing was....#one part of the brain fully awake but an entire other part still asleep and the rest conscious without it (NOT supposed to happen)#hellish stuff maan not ok not ok#i looked at my hands and recognized and understood them... but also recognized and understood the arbitrariness of their shape and number#and of the form of my mind and perception and place in time and errything.#cmon man you're only supposed to do that to people on random drugs not overstressed ppeople tryin to frickin sleep 😭#fuckin worst anxiety attack in a long LONG while fuckin hell.#i had to walk and wait for the rest of my brain to wake up and start perceiving so i could fuckin have the rest of my human context back#like where do you even hide man when the rest of your mind isn't there to run back to. it's like being stripped under the eye of sauron#the zones of my brain are too frickin detached and desynchronized i need to be neurologically sewn back together#i experienced temporary (~hourlong in ebbs and waves) broca's aphasia at treatment the other week. wild. and not ok#im gonna try tms again i think. it wasn't a silver bullet for me but it did help repair my cognition and memory and coherency for a bit...#til i lost it again at least#i miss josette. i played her game when rising on the brief crest of tms before my exhaustion started outweighing the few improvements#I'll revisit josette and sedona blue if i do that treatment again. J1 is too much of a slog to replay but J2 is a timeless precious gem#tms is so painful though it shocks my neuralgia#but im desperate i guess#ahahaahhh i need helppp. i ain bin this screwed since 2020 i think
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Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening
OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.
sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.
i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .
#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol#anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol#i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious;#ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc#then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close.#next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go.#they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state#i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go.#like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away.#yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u#to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds#if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing.#my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left#in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself#22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world#i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too#i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like#i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this#situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it#ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming.#at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy#while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday#like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh.#i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare#and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth???#truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin#when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!!#its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever#mcr#when will mcr return from the war
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