#it's lonely painful and it's scary

[happy10thousandyears]

Honestly to me look back (manga) is more about how connections u made thru are can sustain you but people can leave your life, and no matter what you can always come back to pouring your heart into creating. And kyomoto is more of a metaphor of the people who you loved and lost along the journey instead of being a secondary protagonist. Reading it alone made me cry so many times because it resonated with my experience being ultimately alone but finding strength in drawing

But watching it in theaters with friends among people made me feel the focus of look back (movie) focuses more on connections that people made along the way and the loss of those was way more emphasized than in the manga, which doesn't really resonate with me because I'm used to losing connections, and I think one day most of my school friends and I will drift apart because I feel different towards them regarding creating art, and I'm ready to accept that it's okay and I will move on with art no matter what? On top of that the pacing was too fast and I felt that I needed a lot more time to linger on some emotional scenes... 7.5/10 movie, the art is stunning but I wish it was slower...

[napping-sapphic]

I just want to fall in love with someone who makes me feel safe like even when we’re angry or sad or upset i just want to know that both of us are still going to be okay

[uncanny-tranny]

I think what might actually help the families of trans loved ones is to actually engage with where the trans person is at - especially if the family isn't quite understanding yet. When I came out, I was completely alone in figuring out my manhood. I had peers and I had exposed myself to so many trans people who explored gender, and while it was amazing, it isn't quite the same at times. I grieve quietly, sometimes, about all the missed opportunities that might have just made it easier for my family to have seen how utterly happy I was. It took them a very long time to actually notice that I was happy, especially once I got on testosterone. I'm lucky that they saw that happiness eventually, and slowly accepted it. My manhood is completely detached from their influence, both to my relief and chagrin. It's sad to me that I learned to shave from a kind online stranger, somebody who didn't even have a father and yet, I do. I have a father. I grieve at the loss of a potential shared experience. I grieve about the pain I went through when I was in that stage of transition, especially because it was raw and vulnerable. I grieve that many trans people today are traversing the path I had to, because it's sometimes lonely (even when you do have other forms of support).

It's hard to know that I will never have gotten my sense of being from my family. In many ways, it has severed a lot of connection with them because there were so many times that I was begging them to see happiness when they were focused on the idea that I was almost in a state of purgatory - flesh which felt warm but held no familiarity to them. I don't harbor ill-will toward them, I hope I don't leave the impression that I despise them. I understand what they felt, even if I can't conceptualize it myself. However, it's a raw wound in my heart, and I don't want to leave anybody else feeling that way, either.

[recitedemise]

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝗿𝗯 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗿𝗼𝘁𝘀 𝗮𝘁 𝗚𝗮𝗹𝗲'𝘀 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆. And it is excruciating. On his chest, one can trace its ugly mark, the brand less discoloration and more, unfortunately, a deep-grooved scar. It is unavoidable and impossible to ever miss. Similarly, the way it eats at him is obvious, too. Gale, especially at the start, when his condition, fresh and disorienting, was still abundantly new, the effects of the orb were frighteningly worse. At that time, he little knew how to quell it, that feeding off the Weave would balm the pain, and so for all those days and weeks of panic, he rotted and ached at a terrible pace. He had decayed. And he had bled. Gale's body oozed black, skin, especially at his casting arm, rupturing like cracks in terracotta. He tasted filth always, the bitterness of wasting flesh thick in his throat, nose perpetually leaking with the ink-dark of bleeding. He'd labored to breathe, a feeling like devouring maggots pulsing in his chest. In fact, at the lowest point by then, wallowing and stuck in his tower, Gale began to lose hair, his nails loose and cracking as he scrabbled at the floorboards, knees weak and pain bolting when he collapsed to the floor. He was a pitiful sight. And a worrying one. And even now, with the consumption of magical artefacts, one can still see the way he bows to the blight, heaving for breath when it takes his chest again, sweat at his temples and mouth gone dry. It's all-encompassing. The agony is chronic. It feels like being eaten, being hollowed to his barest self right from the inside. He's a vessel of magic, and the orb means to consume him down to his every last molecule, teeth bared, hackles raised, and appetite crushing. It's like--dying, stolen away to be but swallowed down whole, surrendering to the suck of a hungering vortex. He's unsightly. As well, too, as a burden, he thinks, to the very naked of his bones. But when someone hangs back, touches him despite his rot, he thinks, you shouldn't have to handle something like this. This mere shamble of a graveyard--he's so sorry to dirty their hands.

[9990zara]

thinking about. narukami arashi. in all her messy self. augh...

[eeuwigestilte]

how much fear and slander of the label lesbian can one take of a dear friend who is questioning

[nerdycolorcupcake]

I can make it creepier :)

@delicehm

[bunnihearted]

wow that was crazy.. anyway time to go home nd pretend to be normal

[ohsofttouch]

You know what, after this hard weekend, I've come to the realization that I'm exhausted from living my life in fear of what other people will think of me.

I put such high amounts of pressure and expectations on myself, it keeps me from doing and trying new things. I've just decided that I'm gonna put myself out there and do everything I can to not think about all the things I'm self conscious and insecure about.

Just be me and if people gravitate towards me then great and if not then great too.

I'm tired of not liking myself and all these fears and doubts holding me back. Nothing is gonna change unless I make changes myself and if nothing changes in the end, at least I fucking tried.

[whentherewerebicycles]

ha ha ha oh friends I cannot survive many more nights like that one. I have gotten so much better at managing the despair/panic feelings… it’s a combination of: I know I’ll survive even the worst night because I’ve done it many times before + I also know that nothing can be done to alleviate the pain at this point so it’s no use panicking or fretting about what I should do to make it stop. it won’t stop it won’t stop it just has to be endured. but my god I just have to say again and again I did not know before that you could be in that much pain and there could be nothing anyone could do about it. I just!!!!! I am a wounded animal all night I cry and I cry and I whimper and I make horrible involuntary hurt animal noises and I try weakly to self-soothe and I cry some more. this is a tough way to live. I am so afraid of the nights. I just wish I could sometimes sleep :(

[confinesofmy]

my favourite thing about hannibal nbc is that will graham was already very traumatised when the show started. not yet from the gore or the abuse and gaslighting nor from the illness that nearly killed him, but from a lifetime of experience as an autistic person.

he's on-guard at all times, deeply aware that he's different from other people and that sometimes people find him so very interesting that they feel like their interest should outweigh his bodily autonomy. he meets othering from his coworkers with the grim acceptance of a man who fully understands the intricacies of how they are excluding him but also knows he can't stop them. you can see the miles of hurt in almost everything he does, every interaction he has. well, not so much with hannibal after he gets comfortable around him but that's a different post.

[jrueships]

Jerrod, we know damn well tyler & u got the same types in men and both of yall are Not included in that, that was a MASSIVE jerror & yall KNOW that. just get dicked down by the 'mysterious' masked man whose identity none of us know (....sure) , him & his giant hands are right there, hugging you in your tidy widies for some reason

[machidielontheway]

i am chatty today because i've got ✨The Anxieties✨

i choose to stop two choirs this year cause i didn't have fun like before (a long while, actually) and i had said to friends "i will come back with you to this other choir, the one we met all in, like you already have since a year". and i really thought i would cause it would let me keep community, and a regular occasion to work on what we'd see with my singing teacher.

but in the last two months i felt so relieved and free to not have to go back to the choirs i stopped, i began feeling like going to this other one would be again 'stiffling', even tho it's at a very low level (beginner level, altho a good beginner level). and that it would become a chore again.

i went to the open session yesterday and seeing all my friends and having fun in the warm up was really, really nice. but the choir work in itself, while of good sound quality and with a good chef, was so sloooow to my own needs. and we can't talk for real when in session, or just quick when the voice working is changing, so it's texting or nothing.

and i felt that i would be soon unfulfilled / bored in it, of the pace, and also the songs are nice but not really my taste (it was once 100%, but now it's only 50% to what i heard was planned.)

cons : - lot of people, mask is somehow accepted. i don't want to go back to singing in mask because it's really hard and creates problems which i have already, in terms of Singing. but given how covid moves lately i also don't want to be in 60 people's company in one medium room without a mask. - "slow" pace, potentially boring "what am i doing here" thinking. i could definitively bring something to do, or just read or something, as lot of people do, but i don't want my choir experience to be "you come for 2 hours and, besides warming up, you sing 15 of them". i know a good numbers of good / high level singers are in this choir and don't mind cause the ambiance is really nice, the quality is here, and the community is good, but i don't think i would have liked it. - i already have three weeks a night taken (danse, tv night with friend<3, and instrument soon if i'm not averse to it after the trial class tonight). going to choir would make it four nights a week taken every weeks (unless i double one night which is possible but not ideal especially on the long term). and i want that time to try new things / try to go forward in my life ! - i don't want to double down on my "choir the last years has been more of a duty sometimes than anything else" and continue and risk disliking it even more. i feel like simply singing in the grass or in a church with friends brings me much more pleasure, simple giddy fulfilling and without anxieties. yeah i can't sing masterpieces i've been dreaming to sing since years, needing 40 persons, but those masterpieces are not going away. they will still be sung in years and years (indodana and baba yetu my beloved)(that, funnily enough, are going to be sung this year in one of the choir i left lol. didn't change my decision) - having "one night more" gives me a little more time to try to be more active in reaching out to friends and proposing drinks or outings or so (....maybe. that's the plan. "if you wish you had a friend like that, be that friend" post)

pros : - singing and spending a little time every week with my friends, who as adult is hard to do in other circomstances ! - not feeling like my friends are having fun and sharing time together and i'm all alone not being there :( - working on what i'm working on with my singing teacher... maybe (loosing your long-time used crutches / wrong things you did because you didn't know better is very hard in context of choir where you body has sooo many automatisms)

So cons are winning a lot. but i'm so scared i'm making the wrong choice !! especially imagining them all having fun and feeling like i'm the one not there, shunned of my own desire. it uh. it hit a little bit deep in the never healed wound in my heart.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Hhh i do not feel good

[pepprs]

ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.

[bitbrumal]

      long post on diluc’s reclusive tendencies & specific pain re: kaeya.

diluc’s persistent agony regarding kaeya’s secret, is not a petty refusal / inability to admit his own wrongs unless he gets to blame kaeya too.           it’s not even necessarily blame in the sense of deeming kaeya’s lies / deceit wrong. by now, he has accepted that the cards his little brother has been dealt necessitate deceit - even of him, especially of him. for a long time he wished he could not forgive it. now he’s grateful.

it’s the agony of knowing that to the one person who only ever saw him as him. who didn’t see ‘diluc ragnvindr’ as a concept, a thing to respond to the way one must to those with power & status.                        [ “please don’t lie, adelinde. you don’t have to lie. it’s okay-” “you are very dear to all of us, young master. please don’t fret.” & she’s not allowed to speak ‘out of turn’, to tell him how she feels, to be a real person to him--& it’s fine to her because this is a job. it was diluc’s private life. he has so many strangers in his private life- ] the only person who didn’t lie to him about the things that matter: who loved him without conditions.          crepus changed diluc.       kaeya changed for diluc - changed from a frightful boy who didn’t want anything into one who dared to hold his hand. but also, less positively, would be the one to apologise or take the blame not bc diluc ragnvindr but bc diluc my only friend who i love dearly please don’t leave. ( diluc’s guilt at seeing that fear would always turn them into a feedback loop of no i’m sorry’s. )

but now?

from the very start - especially to kaeya, he was only diluc ragnvindr.

to this day diluc doesn’t really know who the fuck he is, torn to & fro by everything everyone wanted of him; & all the ways he had to behave in order to get some kind of honesty out of the people who approached him. but he does know that the only times he felt... easiest, felt most like he was flowing from some point inside himself instead of hoisting himself into a corset held out to him by others... were always, & only, with kaeya.            because kaeya was awful, in many ways. he was mean, & cruel, & took to his vulnerabilities like a goddamn vampire - until crepus sat them both down & calmly explained that kaeya was taught by cruelty, & that he learned to be cruel to people he wanted to be close to. that it did not work that way here, that he would lose diluc if he continued to act like that-- & diluc, gullible little boy that he was, never ever saw any reason not to believe anyone. it didn’t make sense to his brain that words would be spoken that weren’t true. but you pick up on people’s feelings, too.

the boy who taught him the simple ways people lie, so he wouldn’t be taken advantage of so easily anymore. the boy who held his hand & laughed with him or shared his resentment at crepus’ conditional love - even if diluc’s was buried deep. kaeya... where diluc ragnvindr was a person instead of some kind of trophy. father wanted him to be excellent. the staff that fucking raised him wanted him to play the part required of him so they could play theirs, instead of begging for sincerity - he is only their job, only their distant most eligible bachelor, the uncrowned king, lord ragnvindr, diluc ragnvindr. he doesn’t fucking exist.            by now he cannot find himself at all anymore.

           the only one who looked at him &, instead of wanting the corset demanded the truth - who saw his vulnerabilities & his everything & engaged those instead... kaeya, who took to the real him like it was the only obvious thing. that orphaned boy was the only place in diluc’s world where he existed. & that wasn’t always comfortable, but it kept him aware - that he wasn’t the thing father made of him, even as he lost whatever the fuck else he might’ve been.

but they only got that close- every actual reason for them to be close, was that kaeya had to... he was just a target.

& now that, due to everything beyond kaeya as well as his confession, diluc’s literal ability to trust people is non-existent? he can’t talk to kaeya because he cannot believe a word out of his mouth - hates himself for wanting to trust blindly. he doesn’t want to hate blindly anymore either, but he’s so inherently... trusting. it’s one or the other; he must compensate so hard just to not feel like he’s selling himself cheaply again.      & he can’t. he’s too simple - his mind doesn’t work this way & neither does his heart. he loves, & he trusts, especially because there is nothing left to love or trust. & even when he knows people’s cruelty he just trusts them to be that way... there’s no point demanding insincerity from people. let them lie, if that’s what they’re like. if only they wouldn’t ask him to play a part too.

diluc’s,,, autistic & very, very kind. it just doesn’t click in his head. things pretending to be what they are not makes no natural sense. he cannot... abide by the white lies & not so white lies people tell. the truth, no matter how painful, is never a cruelty to him - but it is demanded of him to lie at every turn. little lord ragnvindr, etiquette. the perfect fucking gentleman, & nothing else.

he keeps kaeya at a distance because he knows how much he needs him still, how little he cares for being loved truly- because it’s not a real option & he’s had to live with that forever already. his own father did not love him - he’s used to it. & yet, if he yielded like he knows he will if kaeya insists on continuing the lie - it will also break what’s left of his heart.

                what distance continues to exist between them is because there was always distance, apparently, & diluc just no longer wishes to lie to himself. to have to. let everyone else; at least he won’t. let them be vapid & meaningless, & he to them - but not he to himself. if he is to find himself at all he cannot continue to be what people ask of him. all they give him is the negative space that can be filled in by the part he’s supposed to play. so then, he’ll simply not fill any of it in at all. he’s going to lie to himself again anyway; he cannot keep this up. but he wishes he could. & he tries so hard. & if he must be a cold, distant bastard to someone who’s already made it clear that they’re not... close, anyway. then why doesn’t he get to? everyone always cheats him. no-one ever cares - especially when they say they do. why does he have to keep allowing it? he just wants to find some way to speak to kaeya that won’t involve being lied to or humiliating himself -- blindly hating OR blindly trusting, & he cannot be anything but blind around him now. in general diluc finds it difficult to understand people. having no-one who speaks frankly with him does not help that in the slightest ( kaeya was the only one who taught him to see, not to play along ), so he’s just... isolating himself in hopes of being in the only company that won’t lead him astray.         but he can’t heal, either.

& kaeya can’t tell him the truth. so he can’t try to heal - which is ignoring the fact he quite likely doesn’t deserve to be healed by him. ( not unless kaeya decides otherwise. but that is exactly that sort of ‘kindness’ people would feign in his direction - play along with the delusional young master, don’t burst his bubble. that’s rude. if the young master says your his friend then you are. somehow that makes sense to them? it does. because they go home to their real families. it’s professionalism & apathy; their job. like a customer service smile. i love you. )

& if kaeya actually did speak plainly. he will be telling the only truth that isn’t too good to be true - he just.. knows he won’t be able to handle that. kaeya was the one thing that made diluc want to live, because he was the one thing that made it possible for him to exist within his own life. & now, all of that, is the same simple lie everyone’s always told him. & the only reasons he fell & falls for it is because there is something wrong with his mind that makes him gullible. a fool, forever.

                     yeah, he’s quite done being around people.

p.s.: so in my portrayal, ‘gentleman diluc’ is fake as fuck & he doesn’t actually feel connected to anyone who he acts that way around. if he’s being seamlessly polite you know he doesn’t feel like a connection is even possible lmao so u get gentleman diluc bc that is all u want & he’s tired of asking for anything else.