#it's just end of the year depression hour
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The Ties That Bind Us: One
*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit.*
•Parings• Noah Sebastian x Soulmate!Reader.
•Word Count• 2,268
•Warnings• fluff, language, talks of death/sickness, angst, depression, dark thoughts, soft!Noah, smut that will include unprotected p in v, oral with both male and female receiving, hand jobs, and fingering. Pretty tame smut in this.
•Summary• Growing up, Noah’s grandparents told him the story of why everyone wore a red tie around their wrists and while theirs glowed while his didn’t.
“Yours will glow when you meet your soulmate, Noah.”
When someone moves in next door and catches Noah’s eyes immediately, he sees the red tie around her wrist glowing only to see his remains red. Convinced she’s not his soulmate, Noah tries hard to stay away from her yet small moments between them start to blossom. So much so, he can’t ignore the tie that binds them together
•Authors Note• As I previously stated, even though this is a "reader insert", there will be moments I describe the reader because it pertains to the story. I'm not quite sure how many chapters this will be, I'm thinking around ten but it could change. I'm also sorry this chapter seems very short, but I figured it doesn't need to be super long with an introductory chapter.
•Tags• @artificialbreezy @blueskylinesx @dominuslunae @lobolocaamo @lilcrazy011 @badomensls @shayeanna-ashlie @supersquirrel1996 @missduffsblog @nicelittlenightmares @curse-bearing-hips @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @chey-h @idontwantthemoney @heyyoplayer @amelia-acero @xmads-omensx @poisongirl616 @theanarchymuse95 @trvshdxddy @thisbicc @losingmyselfinthoughts @follow-me-down-to-wonderland @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @klutzy-kay24 @xxkatsatwatwafflexx @collidewiththesavannah @tosoundlessdarkistare @rumoured-whispers @dontwantthemoney
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NOAH
Growing up, my grandma would always tell me the same thing whenever I asked her about the weird red tie around my wrist.
“An invisible red thread connects those destined to be together, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.”
When I asked her why hers and my grandpa’s glowed the same color, her answer was simple.
“We’re both soulmates. Destined to be with each other.”
I always thought the idea of soulmates was a bunch of bullshit people told to make up reasons why we all were born with these ties. I spent many hours trying to cut or rip it off but it wouldn’t budge. My grandma’s words echoing in my head once again.
“The only way to remove a bind is with death.”
The soft breeze filtered through my hair as I adjusted the beanie over my head, opening the door wider so my guest could leave. Yet while I stood on the front porch waiting for her to stop talking with Michael, I messed with the red bind around my wrist like I typically did. I’d been expecting to see it glow for the last few years once I reached the age of twenty one yet here I was at twenty four with the still same red bind around my wrist.
“So, can I call you?”
Snapping my eyes away from my wrist to the woman in front of me, her bind also red, I gave her a curt nod. “Sure, I guess.”
I didn’t miss the way her smile faltered with my words and when she crossed her arms over her chest, I suddenly regretted not trying to be a bit more upbeat. It’s not like she was some stranger, she’d come over a few times before but it was never serious. I didn’t even remember her name most of the time which might have been wrong on my end but like I said, it wasn’t ever serious. Just someone to call when the nights were lonely.
Wow, I sounded like a real asshole.
“Maybe we can get coffee tomorrow?” I suggested while stuffing my hands deep into the pocket of my sweats.
Whatever her name was smiled and nodded enthusiastically. “I would really love that, Noah.”
Fuck. She said my name which means now I have to say her name. It's the respectful thing to do.
I rubbed the back of my neck, long strands of hair tangled between my fingers. “Uh, yeah. Same here, uh-.”
When I trailed off, unable to remember her fucking name, her lip snarled and threw her shoulder over her shoulder, bounding down the front steps.
“You know what, don’t call me. I’m busy for the foreseeable future!” She called back, making sure to slam the door to her car as she sat inside.
Shrugging, I didn’t bother to watch her peel out of the driveway and turned on my heels to head back inside when a commotion to my left made me pause. The house next door had been vacant for a few months now so when I saw a large moving truck parked in the driveway. With furrowed brows, I took a few steps closer to the edge of the front porch, the side closest to this house, and watched as someone walked up the ramp into the back of the truck.
“New neighbors.” Jesse appeared next to me almost out of thin air, taking a rather large bite of his apple.
“Since when?” I asked, giving him my attention now.
He tapped my shoulder with the hand that didn’t hold the apple. “Since this morning. Someone was a bit preoccupied to notice.”
Rolling my eyes, I flipped him the bird and gazed back towards the moving van, expecting to see a group of guys like ourselves emerge from the back of the truck. So when I saw a female figure walk out carrying a large box, my breath caught in my throat. The way her hair cascaded over her shoulders and how a soft melody seemed to echo in the wind over towards me; her singing some unknown tune.
My eyes tracked every movement of her when she walked through the front door of the house. She was gone for less than a few minutes but the entire time, my heart beat wildly in my chest. It was something Jesse noticed but didn’t bother to tease because with a wave, he disappeared back into the house leaving me alone again on the porch.
The sunset had broken over the horizon, painting the grass in a glow of oranges and slight pinks. It all paled in comparison to the brightness that radiated from the woman next door as she stepped back out, pausing for a moment to roll up the sleeves of her sweater.
“Shit,” I muttered when I saw the band on her left wrist vivid with a glow.
Holding my breath, I yanked up the sleeve of my shirt hoping to see my own band glowing but felt my stomach drop when it was still that stupid red color. It was foolish to think that this gorgeous woman who moved in next door would randomly be my soulmate. Things didn’t work out that easy for me. I’d been dealt a shit hand in life so I should have figured that this wouldn't be any different.
My soulmate isn't out there. I should learn to accept it.
“Excuse me?”
I whipped my head up from my wrist over towards the house next door, giving a very awkward wave to her.
“H-hi,” my voice shook, showing my nerves.
She gave me a warm smile nonetheless. “I’m sorry if this is weird but do you know when garbage day is? I’ve got stacks on stacks of boxes that are taking over my garage.”
Her giggle danced in the air over towards me, wrapping itself around my heart, and I had to tell myself not to get attached by her damn laugh. If her bind was glowing while mine wasn't, that only meant one thing.
“Uh, Thursdays,” I said after clearing my throat. “Recycling is every other week.”
“Thank you,” she beamed with a tired smile. “We just moved in and the relator failed to mention that.”
Stuffing my shaking hands in the pockets of my sweats, I did my best to not let her realize how the way she was looking at me affected me.
“Well, if you need help or more tips on the neighborhood, I’m your guy,” I said with a lopsided smile.
Even from the distance between us, I could still see her brow peak while she crossed her arms. “That’s very nice of you, thank you. But I don’t even know your name.”
“It’s Noah.”
Very briefly, the bind around her wrist flickered which didn’t seem to phase her because she gave me a curt nod. “Well, Noah, it's nice to meet you. I’m Y/N, your new neighbor.”
I leaned against the fence that surrounded my porch. “Welcome to the neighborhood, Y/N.”
Both of us stood frozen for a few beats, staring at one another, and as I felt an urge to ask her something, someone exiting the house made my body go rigid.
“Love?” He called out towards Y/N, resting a hand on the frame of the door. “Do you need any help?”
All it took was once glance at the man's wrist to see the matching glow with Y/N’s, indicating what I already knew.
She had found her soulmate.
You met her less than two minutes ago, idiot. Stop being so heartbroken.
“What are you doing, Eric?” She nearly rushed over to him. “I told you I would bring in the rest of the boxes. You should be taking it easy.”
Feeling suddenly out of place, I pushed myself off of the porch and dragged my feet back inside, doing my best to ignore the way I had once again got my hopes up for this soulmate bullshit.
READER
“Are you alright?” I asked Eric, slowly helping him back into the house and over to the couch.
Even though we moved in this morning, we had a moving company bring all of our heavy furniture a few days ago and set it up. Anything to help take the load off of Eric and I since it was me that did most of the packing and unpacking.
He playfully pushed me away and sat on the couch himself. “I’m fine, Y/N. I just wanted to make sure you were still doing fine unloading the truck. It needs to be back by 8 tonight.”
I nodded while throwing the blanket over his lap and quickly adjusting the black beanie on his head that came askew. “I have three more boxes to bring in. Will you be fine alone while I take the truck back? I can call someone to come stay with you.”
This caused Eric to raise a brow. “Who? We don’t know anyone here.”
Right. Nearly forgot that.
“But I’ll be fine. I already told you I can take care of myself for a bit. It’s mostly when you’re gone for the entire day that it gets rough.”
Guilt filled my veins for a number of reasons so instead of unpacking the rest of the truck, I sat on the couch next to him, wrapping my arms around his midsection to feel his familiar warmth spread to me. I traced the various tattoos on his arms with my gaze, burning them into my memory so I could never forget the way they looked.
The way he looked.
“Your mustache is getting long,” I giggled while glancing up at him.
With everything going on in our lives the last few weeks, Eric had basically forgot the upkeep to his mustache. Not that I ever complained though, I loved how that was the only facial hair he kept.
“I know how much you love it,” he winked and pressed a weak kiss to my forehead.
We laid there for a moment on the couch, enjoying each other's presence in our new yet quiet home. Things would be different here, they had to be. We gave up a lot to move to this city because of the opportunities that awaited us.
“I met more of the neighbors,” I spoke after some silence.
“Yeah?” Eric asked, running his tattooed fingers up and down my arm.
“Noah. He told me trash days are on Thursdays. Recycling every other week.”
He hummed. “Is that the one who always seems to be eating some sort of fruit?”
I giggled while playfully smacking his chest. “No, that’s Jesse. He’s the one that recommended this great taco truck a few blocks down. I was thinking maybe I grab some on the way back from dropping off the truck. Our car is at the UHAUL place so I’d drive it home.”
“Home,” Eric repeated the word. “I never thought we’d call California home. I thought we’d be stuck in Ohio forever.”
Tucking my legs underneath me on the couch, I buried my face deeper into Eric’s sweater desperate to have his scent tattooed into my skin.
“We had to move though, Eric. The cancer units here are far better than Ohio,” I reminded him, doing my best to not cry.
I’d spent the last couple of months crying because of not only Eric’s cancer coming back but the news of this time, the chemo might not stop it from spreading. We refused to give up hope so one of Eric’s doctors recommended a program out here in California that was testing some new age chemo, one that possibly could help Eric's type of cancer.
“Which reminds me,” Eric sighed. “My chemotherapy appointment has been moved up to 8 a.m tomorrow. Is that alright?”
Blinking away the tears, I nodded with a long sigh. “With my new job, I can work from home and clock in wheenver just as long as I work a full eight hours.”
His tender touch lifted my chin, forcing me to look into his brown eyes; ones that had lost their light over time.
“I hope that you remember days like this, both of us sitting here together when you're living somewhere new. These things were never clearer in my head especially when peace was in our home and needs were met. Before my cancer.”
“Eric,” I choked out. “Please don’t talk like you’re already gone. You’re still here, in my arms. We need to focus on that.”
Reluctantly, he nodded, knowing that he wouldn’t win this fight. It was one we had often, him trying to tell me not to dwell on his death for long if it came. He wanted me to be happy. But the glowing binds on our wrists for each other gave me hope that Eric would overcome this, like he had before.
Forgetting about the boxes that needed to be unpacked, I let my eyes flutter shut with the sounds of Eric’s soft snores pulling me down to a slumber that my body had been craving. I couldn’t help but wonder of all the new opportunities we’d find here and possibly new friends as I thought of my neighbors, ones that seemed to be somewhat friendly. Especially the one with the longer hair out of the bunch.
Noah.
Exhaustion had taken both Eric and I, us falling asleep in each other's arms on the couch. Neither of us noticed our red binds flickering like a home losing its power in a raging thunderstorm.
#tina talks#noah sebastian#bad omens#Noah Sebastian soulmate au#Noah Sebastian x reader#Noah Sebastian and reader#Noah Sebastian fluff#bad omens fluff#bad omens soulmate au
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Brook was glad that he hadn't accidentally offended Silas. It could have easily gone that way, but the man seemed understanding, which put him at ease, so he settled in for a longer conversation. "I used to work basically all the time," Brook explained, "so most of the books I read were for that. But now I've switched jobs and have a lot more free time, so I can actually figure out what I like to do when I'm not working." Although Brook chuckled a little, it was honestly a bit of a depressing thought. What almost 42 year old didn't know what he liked to do in his free time? But that was just the nature of his existence for the last 24 years, always busy so as not to let himself wander. But maybe he hadn't had to worry so much because since leaving Salem and becoming just a general practitioner, Brook hadn't strayed from the path he'd established for himself. Or maybe he just hadn't yet.
It was a unique way that Silas was seeking information, and Brook thought it was a good idea. "It's nice to meet you too, Silas Addams," he replied, smiling at the author. Now that he was sitting with the man though, Brook wanted to give him something interesting, so he thought spooky things that had happened to him in the past. "Well I'm from Salem, the one in Massachusetts," he began, "which, you know, is kind of infamous, and I feel like it's more prone to spooky occurrences. I remember one time when I was 15, my friends and I were in Proctor's Ledge, which is like this woodsy area. A lot of people think the witch executions took place at Gallows Hill, but some people think it was Proctor's Ledge, and my friends and I decided to explore it. Of course we did so at 3 AM because that's the hour of the demons supposedly." Though Brook had been smiling, that smile faded as he remembered what had happened. "We weren't...we weren't like attacked by demons or something," he continued with a hollow laugh, "but it was...well, spooky. It was like the moment we entered the area, I felt like I was being watched. Like if a group of masked men or something emerged from the trees around us, I wouldn't have been shocked. My friends and I just felt like someone was right over our shoulders, and then I shit you not, we started hearing whispers. At first I thought it was one of my friends messing with me, but when I asked him, he said he could hear them too and looked utterly terrified. I still remember that moment where we realized the whispering wasn't one of us and we all stood there staring at each other as the reality of what was happening sunk in."
For a moment, Brook paused, shuddering slightly as he finished his story. "Yeah, it still gives me chills," he ended. "Maybe that wasn't so spooky to hear about, but it most definitely was to experience it."
Silas smiled up at the man above him. Many people have already come through, some fans, some not. He usually loves being the centre of attention, but this felt a little more like being a zoo animal, but it wasn't all bad. The coffee was good, and compared to zoo animals, he was allowed to interact with the audience. "I mainly write horror novels. I've got a couple pieces where I've tried to branch out a little bit, but I try to avoid talking about them." He replied with a chuckle, hoping and praying to whoever was out there that Brook wouldn't ask about his other writtings. "No need to apologise, I hardly have time to write for pleasure as well, and I do that for a job."
As Brook sat down, Silas took a sip of his coffee, excited at the prospect of being able to hear another story. "Less information, and more inspiration. I don't want to adapt anything into a story, but just get some ideas for one." He definitely didn't want to rip from another persons tale. He tilted his head as the man talked about their shared name, it was a somewhat common name but it's still surprising to encounter another person with the same name. "Well it's nice to meet you Brook Adams. Now tell me, do you have any spooky stories?"
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I finally opened the letter from the health insurance and now it's serious, fuck me. Entering the second half of my twenties isn't the fact that's scary to me, I've got friends and acquaintances who turn 30, 31 and 38 next year. It's the fact that I live in Germany and if I were to celebrate my birthday at all it's gonna fall around the time of the early elections which is gonna add like at least +100 pts of politics anxiety and +50 pts of politics depression to my usual "oh god I'm a year older and I've accomplished nothing" depression. There's nothing to celebrate really...
I could turn this into a rant about how undemocratic the early elections are but there's no energy left, just depression and anxiety. I should get my ass up and join the party I wanted to join for the European elections. My beloved controversial DiEM25 please wait for me. Something something revolution send tweet.
#I wonder who actually IS the CEO of my health insurance#FOR LEGAL REASONS THIS IS A JOKE#it's just end of the year depression hour#yippie#a bit earlier than usual this year#just like the elections next year#I need to stay angry to cancel out the depression#DiEM25's positions on the War in Ukraine are such dogshit#but it's all I've got#Treffen sich 2 Linke bilden sich 3 Splittergruppen#dumb ass thoughts#I just need a void to scream into for a sec#is tumblr seriously censoring this post rn?
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Hunter, Year 4036
#I just realized that some of the dates aren't coinciding. The current Beatrix is from Season 3 and not Year 4038.#It is likely that Year 4038 was the year she woke up after her slumber cycle and also the same year she met Hunter.#He was definitely much different before her! Not as welcoming or laid-back as he's seen later on in the story.#After becoming Hunter‚ he joined rescue teams in Fusionsprunt city in a desperate attempt to fix his mistakes.#He got increasingly depressed over the few months he worked there but managed to solve a few cases and even get his job as a technician.#Aloof and irritable. He was constantly on the edge and paranoid about having his identity discovered.#He would exhaust himself hours on end because of his guilt‚ which would result in accumulated stress and bleeding.#After he found Guto‚ he was forced to change his lifestyle and bad habits into healthier ones for him.#You could say the guilt still weighted heavily on his shoulders‚ but Hunter certainly started taking care of himself again.#fusionsprunt#fusionsprunt hunter
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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles
#dragon age tag#i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below#weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type#it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me#if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year#almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol#tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3#and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me#but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me#sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points#witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too#which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3#my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free#Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...
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turns out how not to be deficient in fat in your diet is to stop eating only low fat versions of foods
#i was scared of being hungry unfortunately and didnt want to change my diet to more calorie dense stuff out of fear of like hunger related#mood swings which i get badly now which i didnt used to which is awesome i totally love feeling like a half starved half mad dog if my lunc#is like half an hour late#i will not eat like regular ice cream but y'know. cheeses. yogurt thats abt it i eat the same 9 ingredients in rotation#apples cauliflower cottage cheese cabbage sardines carrots broccoli tomatoes uhhhh monster energy drinks#i mean other stuff too sometimes but those r the staples#if i could go raw vegan without dying i probably would just bcs its easier#that list is kind of pathetic and depressing but idk man what's a guy to do#i do worry about it not being varied enough and missing micronutrients and stuff but like yknow ive always been a very unadventurous eater#eating the same things day in day out years on end and ive always been like fine lol it's just a less heavy carb selection these days which#like im pretty sure all that you need xyz amount of grains a day is a total psyop by the corn and wheat us subsidies i don't think you need#that shit just like how you dont need milk.
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Anyway how is everyone doing
#had to get up at 6 in the morning and therefore had 4 hours of sleep today (a weekly occurence pretty much)#so i just took a nap which took all evening and i'm still tired yayyyyy. because naps only work how they should about 10% of the time#and also i did nothing else today because sleep and now i'm truly wondering what to do with myself anymore#meanwhile i have to get up and go to school again tomorrow 😑 and the day after that 😑 and the day after that 😑#or i could drop out again and have nothing else to do anyway and continue rotting in my room#(whether it's my dorm room or my actual room doesn't matter). what's the pointtttttt#might be reaching some kind of limit or maybe i'm truly just dramatising and should just chill about it all#save me 4 hours of music listening now probably. idk man#got my minimal amount of social interaction today in the form of riding the elevator with 3 of the ppl from my course#when i could have (and normally would have) just taken the stairs instead#i feel like i made a big important step today that will help me later on through this year (no not really)#at least one thing i've noticed recently is that i might have the reverse of what is i guess is usually called seasonal depression#in the sense that now that it's chilly and cloudy and it gets dark earlier i feel like i'm finally LIVING in a way#the good effect of that will probably pass after a week or two though#but also just a bit over a month left now until my birthday and then my long awaited trip!!#anyone else get unreasonably excited for their birthday each year even though there's never anything special about it in the end#and that only makes the day more depressing lol#ok whatever i'm done whining now i think. music time then#celebrating (a bit late) one year of gratsax and lil beethoven today. some of the albums of all time for me personally#goosepost
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it's me and all the women in literature described in despondent unhappiness in a marriage that they don't hate but don't enjoy as they should and who feel as if they're not the way a woman should be and who yearn to be free of their husband and children not because they despise them but because they're not for a husband and children and who can't say that they're miserable but who feel a numb kind of despair in all that disconnectedness and disconnectedness and disconnectedness. they are just like me for real
#we have the same kind of depression 👍 but also. i can see so clearly that that's the way i would be if i still thought i was a girl.#and i had grown up to get married to someone and tried to be a woman and a mother like that. god...#edna pontellier hold on. i'm going out into the sea with you. we'll drown together.#laura brown from the hours on my kin list 👍#need to reread the hours so bad. opened up my copy of it to check if laura had killed herself at the end or not for this post#and just skimming the last few chapters made me tear up. god. but there are still the hours aren't there? one and then another...#and then you get through that one and then my god there's another...#um. books that make you go 'okay so maybe i have wanted to kill myself a little bit all these years. but maybe i'm going to be okay'#the book ever honestly it is Everything to me#and kate chopin's the awakening is good as well. much to be said about the depiction of people of color in that novel#but the depiction of edna pontellier's mental state is so. ough.#glances at the ratings on goodreads nd stuff have made me so irritated.#god forbid a woman commit the ultimate selfish sin of leaving her children behind because she's so miserable by killing herself.#because far worse than the thought that she could be losing all her personhood moment by moment#and wasting her life away feeling like a shell of a person#pales. in comparison to the thought that she could POSSIBLY abandon the children she didn't really want to have.#of course it's a bad situation for the kids. sorry to raoul and etienne. but they will survive.#condemning the main character for having the audacity to go off and die... sickening. i hate people#valentine notes
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me: *God I feel like such shit today and I don't know why.*
me literally seven seconds later: I FORGOT TO TAKE MY ESTROGEN THIS MORNING
#finally took it 6 hours late 🙌#the one problem with pills is that when i forget one im just suddenly depressed and dysphoric for “no reason”#cant do shots though#did that last time ans ended up off hormones for a year#kinda wish those pellets in the ass were a thing in the states but oh well
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just a heads up it’s probably gonna be a minute before wt8 is out
#post nyc depression is hitting a lot harder than i thought it would#tmi it’s been almost a week since i got back and i haven’t been able to make it through a few hours every day without crying#gonna go to the office today for the first time in like a week after the trip and i’m not really looking forward to that lol#i cannot do anything i’m just so sad all the time 🫥#and i’m still jetlagged which really doesn’t help#don’t think anyone really knows how much new york has meant to me for years now#anywhomst… idk bye end post ig 😭#jen rambles
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just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
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"why do I feel so weird and awful" says man who already made a post half an hour ago that included the reasons he feels weird and awful
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#I'm trying to work out if I need a fun distraction or if I need to do something cathartic instead#I feel strange in a way I can't quite place. I think I might be having emotional flashbacks#and I'm not like... upset at the moment? but I feel like in a couple of hours I'm gonna be hit with emotions I don't want to deal with#there's a very specific feeling that I can't seem to describe in any normal way which might mean I need to write poetry about it instead#something about summer evenings seems to fuck us up sometimes and it's just occurred to me that I think we write more poems in summer#and I only just noticed this pattern because I think we got to the start of summer last year#and started writing poems about how much the summer fucks us up#the thing is I like summer and I've been looking forward to it but it also comes with this kind of weird nostalgic feeling#and it ends up being really bittersweet#it's like that quote or post or whatever about August giving you some of the most beautiful but bittersweet moments of your life#every so often I'm like ''okay I say we get summer depression and winter depression but we're depressed all the time#so are we really getting special kinds of depression in summer and winter?'' and then I get to like June and November#and I'm like ''oh okay yeah no this is a different feeling to the background level of depression we have''#this fucks us up in new and exciting ways that I don't want to fucking deal with but will do anyway because I don't have a choice
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somehow it’s already a bad chronic fatigue day today. fucking hell.
#sorry vent incomining#I’m just so tired of being tired#this happens every weekend and I hate it so much it’s like almost painful how bored and tired I am#I wanna do something different and engaging but the only thing that makes me feel better is playing video games for hours on end#this shit fucking sucks#I’ve been art blocked for like two months#finally just drew something yesterday for a friend#it was fun and I wanted to draw more today but now I’m exhausted#all I want to do is sleep but naps don’t even help#seasonal depression is fucking killing me this year man#idk what it is but jesus
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Dad: “You’ve never consistently walked every day how do you know it wouldn’t help?” (my chronic fatigue and perceived laziness for only doing as much as I need to and no more)
Me: “I literally walked (up the steep ass hill leading to our neighborhood) every day with 30 lbs of textbooks on my back for 7 years.”
Dad: “And you had more energy and were 100lbs lighter back then! See it works!”
like literally 1. no, I definitely did not. there’s (many) reasons I didn’t do homework and was failing every class bc of it, and a lack of energy was a big one. 2. lmao I gained like 30 lbs since I got out of high school if he really thinks it was 100 he’s deluding himself. 3. i only did all of that because i literally had no other choice. what was I going to do as someone who has a massive fear of punishment (in large part because of him), not go to school? skip class and get treated even worse? this is the man that cut off my access to running water for like 12 hours as punishment once. i can’t believe i ever thought that shit was normal
#venting about the massive fight i just had with him. get this. because i only cut enough bread for myself when he’s not even—#—eating any tonight. as if me not cutting the entire loaf into slices is some huge moral failing#‘you do the bare minimum and only ever think of yourself’ yeah ok i fixed a nice lunch for both of us today and youre gonna say that—#—not even 5 hours later huh. fuck you.#can’t tell if i wanna die or want him to die or both but I sure as hell am sick of this bullshit#doesnt help that ive been unmedicated for months now bc we lost our medi-cal. mom got a job with enough pay that it took our eligibility#which. good for her! she got insurance at that job too! proud of her.#but theyve been separated since dec 2020 and it completely screwed us bc they arent legally divorces#ill be getting on my own medi-cal soon enough (if i can muster the energy for it) cuz imd be kicked off theirs at the end of the year anyway#since i just turned 26#but yeah cant afford all those medications with only $12 in my bank. had to ask mom to pay for an inhaler cuz mine was out and i need that—#—for emergencies. cant be without an inhaler when i have an asthma attack#gonna stop now cuz im getting turbo depressed
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im tired
im just so unbelievably
unbearably
tired
#someone please be proud of me fuck#im doing uni while extremely mentally ill suicidal every day with an unstable home i dont feel safe in and no support system#im trying so hard and all i want to do is give up. ive wanted to give up for years. the only reason i havent is because i dont have the#option. i think that if i try again i'll mess up and end up in the hospital and that will make everything somehow collossaly worse#i get so little happiness from anything#what a pathetic fucking life i lead. i should just die. god i hate myself#im so far beyond the point of depression i dont self harm like 90% of the time i think to cause what even is the point#no one will see it wont make anyone care i have no one who cares who it will distress#it only stresses ME out cause then thats one more thing on my plate and i cant be assed#i was so ready to go to bed like 3 hours ago and now im wide awake#theres more to this that i cant bring myself to type out#im going to play zelda#because its all i ever do#adventures
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