#it’s so clear that we could all be friends sometimes but people choose to avoid talking stuff out and resort to shunning or whatever

[heraldofcrow]

One thing about me is that if you shun or try to isolate a friend of mine (or just anyone who you’ve dubbed a “fault in the system” or harmful despite evidence to the contrary) after you misjudged them for being a bad or malicious or untrustworthy person, I am going to rabidly support them and be extra fucking loud about it and make sure their voices are heard from every corner and it will literally be my driving force to stay online and alive for years.

[urlocalmultigroupfan]

without you (pt 11)

pairing: lee felix x female reader

summary: you have been best friends with the 00 liners+chan for a while now. now everyone is in college and when you begin to develop feelings, its getting hard to choose...

tags/warnings: college skz, liking multiple people at a time, fluff, angst, reader struggles with anxiety and depression, cussing, partially proofread

a/n: soo busy rn.. prob wont upload for like a day

hope u enjoy

The following days after Felix’s confession felt like walking through a maze, each turn uncertain, every step echoing louder than the last. The warmth that had filled your chest after Felix admitted he liked you had faded into a strange mix of excitement and apprehension. You hadn’t expected him to confess so openly, nor had you expected the sudden flood of emotions that came with it. But now, as you walked across campus with Seungmin, the uncertainty of it all was gnawing at you.

"Hey, you okay?" Seungmin asked, glancing over at you with a raised brow as you pulled your jacket tighter around you. The late October air had a bite to it, the kind that made you want to huddle under blankets and avoid your thoughts altogether.

“Yeah… just thinking,” you said, forcing a smile.

Seungmin didn’t look convinced. He always could read you too well. “About Felix?”

You didn’t respond immediately. The name alone caused your stomach to twist uncomfortably.

“Yeah,” you said quietly, staring straight ahead. “I don’t know what to think about it, Seungmin.”

He let out a sigh, slowing his pace a little. “I get it. Felix can be… a little intense sometimes. But you know he’s not the type to say something like that unless he really means it.”

“I know,” you murmured. “It’s just… everything feels different now, you know? He’s my friend, and now—now he’s not. Or maybe he is. I don’t even know.”

Seungmin rubbed the back of his neck, his expression a mix of sympathy and frustration. “Look, Y/N. I can’t tell you what to do or how to feel. But you need to talk to him. You can’t just leave it hanging like this.”

You knew he was right. But part of you didn’t want to face it. You’d always been so sure of your friendship with Felix—his easy smile, the way he always made you laugh, how he was there when things felt overwhelming. But now, every time you saw him, you felt that quiet pressure building in the pit of your stomach. The confession had created a crack in the foundation, and you didn’t know how to repair it without tearing something down in the process.

Later that evening, you found yourself in the student lounge, books spread out before you but your focus miles away. Seungmin had practically pushed you to meet Felix, to clear the air, and though you tried to convince yourself you were ready for it, your heart pounded as you waited.

When Felix finally appeared, his face lit up when he saw you. But the smile that normally made your chest flutter now made your heart feel heavier. There was something about his eyes, the way they searched your face, that made you feel like he was waiting for you to decide what came next.

You couldn’t find the words at first, too caught up in the weight of the silence that stretched between you. Felix, noticing your hesitation, walked closer, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket, looking a little more self-conscious than usual.

"Hey," he said, his voice soft. "Can we talk?"

You nodded, unable to trust your own voice just yet. He motioned for you to follow him, and you both found a quiet corner in the lounge, away from the noise of the other students. The air between you was thick, filled with unspoken words and tension.

Felix took a breath, as if bracing himself for what he was about to say. “I know things probably feel weird right now,” he started, his tone hesitant. “I didn’t mean to put that pressure on you, I just… I didn’t want to keep pretending like I didn’t feel something.”

You looked at him, your gaze soft but uncertain. “Felix… I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

Felix nodded slowly, his expression a mix of vulnerability and self-doubt. “I get it. You don’t have to have the answers right away. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I didn’t want to keep hiding it.”

The words stung, though you didn’t fully understand why. You wanted to tell him that you liked him too, that everything felt different in a way that made your heart race and your chest tighten. But the truth was, you weren’t sure. And the uncertainty gnawed at you, making you hesitate even more.

“You don’t regret saying it?” you asked, a bitter laugh escaping your lips. “You don’t regret putting this whole thing on the line?”

Felix’s face tightened, but his gaze never wavered. “No. I don’t regret it. I’d rather be honest than keep pretending.”

Your chest ached at the sincerity in his voice. You wanted to reach out to him, to tell him that you appreciated his honesty, that you wanted to figure this out. But the doubt in your mind—this voice that kept telling you that things would never be the same again—kept you frozen in place.

The silence that followed felt heavier now, suffocating even. Felix shifted his weight, his eyes searching yours like he was trying to read you. It wasn’t a look you were used to. Felix had always been the open book, the one who wore his heart on his sleeve, but now it seemed like the roles had reversed. You were the one with the unreadable expression, the one who had walls up, and Felix was the one with his heart on the line.

“I don’t want to lose what we have,” Felix said finally, his voice barely above a whisper. “But I can’t keep pretending like I’m just a friend to you. I care about you, Y/N. And I don’t know how to go back.”

The pain in his words hit you like a slap, and it was all you could do to keep from crumbling right then and there. You wanted to say something, to offer some reassurance, but the fear inside of you was louder than anything else. You didn’t want to risk losing him, but you didn’t know how to take that first step forward, not when everything felt so fragile.

“I don’t want to lose you either,” you whispered back, your voice thick with emotion. “But I’m scared. What if things change? What if we ruin everything?”

Felix’s expression softened, the vulnerability in his eyes making your heart ache. He stepped closer, his hand hovering near yours, unsure whether or not to reach out.

“I don’t want to ruin anything either,” he murmured. “But if we keep pretending like everything’s fine, I think we might be ruining the chance to see if this could be something… something more.”

You swallowed hard, the weight of his words settling deep in your chest. You wanted to believe him, to trust that maybe this feeling wasn’t something that would break everything you had together. But you couldn’t deny the fear that crept in, the worry that maybe you weren’t ready for the shift in your relationship, that the risk of it all was too much.

“Felix…” you started, but your voice caught in your throat. What could you say? How could you explain that you weren’t sure if you were ready for something more, but you didn’t want to push him away either?

Before you could finish your sentence, Felix stepped back slightly, his eyes turning down as if he had already seen the answer in your face. “It’s okay,” he said quietly, the hurt in his voice unmistakable. “I understand. I’m not going to push you.”

You wanted to say more, to make him understand that it wasn’t about him, that it wasn’t about not liking him. But the words felt stuck, trapped in the same place as your emotions—too complicated, too raw.

Felix turned away then, the distance between you suddenly growing in a way that felt painfully real. You wanted to call out to him, to stop him from walking away, but you remained silent.

When he reached the door, he paused, his back to you. “I just wanted you to know how I feel. And… I’m sorry if it’s too much.”

The door clicked shut behind him, and you were left alone, the space between you filled with a thousand things left unsaid.

And in the quiet that followed, you realized that you might have just lost something you weren’t even sure you were ready to find.

[ahamkara-apologist]

Feeling emotional about Eramis again. Feeling emotional specifically about how she's arguably one of the best D2 antagonists we've gotten in terms of being morally grey- even Savathun, for how well-written she is, can fall a little flat sometimes simply bc we know we can never trust her due to her track record of being self-serving, even if our desires can align with hers and she's still very complex. But Eramis is one of the few antagonists we've gotten who have never really been against US specifically- her hatred for the Traveler and the path it took her into the Darkness were all the results of systematic faliures from those outside her control. She WAS right to be hateful to the Traveler- it leaving Riis WAS what caused the Whirlwind, and the total loss of her homeworld. And yes, she DID choose to seize the Darkness to try to eliminate it, but the thing was that she had no idea just what she was getting into at the time. The Witness manipulates and abuses the weak and vulnerable- she thought she'd finally gotten her hands on a means of keeping the Eliksni safe from the Guardians (which she's right about btw!!) and leveling the playing field so she could fight on par with literal godslayers, but she was tricked. It's extremely clear from Plunder onwards that she never desired what the Witness did, but she didn't have a choice bc she was reduced to being just as helpless as she was the day that she fled Riis

But for all her pain, and how much she believes it defines her, it still didn't fully destroy her! She hates what we represent, but she still begs for us to choose what she believes is the path of least suffering. She still asks for us to give her friends the dignity of last deaths, and she grieved with Osiris when he offered her the chance. In Plunder, she warned Eido that if she tampered with her mission that she would kill her, but she still put her own life in danger for the daughter of her enemy- defying the Witness in the process, btw- to save her. And then, in Defiance, she put herself in danger AGAIN by not only betraying the Witness's plans to trap + kill us, but by physically flying into enemy territory to save Misraaks- who nearly killed her just a few months before. She hates what he stands for, but she'll still risk her own life to save him because she always, ALWAYS put the lives of her people over her own- and she knew as soon as the Witness began to turn Salvation into Wrathborn and Scorn that she had lead them into a trap. She's proud, but not so proud as to not recognize when she's done wrong...inwardly, at least

Eramis's heart is fundamentally good and it kills me that she's either ignored or hated by the D2 fanbase (hated more by the widespread audience, really) bc she's outwardly hypocritical and bc of her role in Rasputin's sacrifice (which she didn't even have a choice in, either- she was outright being watched by the Witness). All of her poor decisions are the result of untold centuries of trauma, suffering, animalistic desperation, and then finally being broken down by loss after loss after loss. Nothing she did is something that couldn't have been avoided if she just had the support system to keep her from being driven to the brink, and nothing that she did is not any more terribly monsterous than what we ourselves have done

I sincerely hope that Athrys is somewhere out there for her, and that she and Eido will be that support system for her post-FS. I want to work alongside of her and earn her respect and help her heal so bad, even if she never really comes around to us. It would feel counterproductive to Destiny's theme about grief and healing and learning to move past the unforgivable if we couldn't- because it's not like we didn't do the exact same thing that she did when pressed into the same circumstances (accepting the powers of the Witness to slaughter Salvation en-masse when threatened by them). We just had enough people supporting us to let us know when the devil was whispering in our ear, which is support that she very much did not have when she followed it to Europa

[sophieinwonderland]

Remember that to Anti-Endos, Truth is Dangerous

"Possibly becoming dangerous for them" in this case means "not being bigoted" and "not supporting hate" and "actually following the science."

The doctors aren't misinformed. They're following the consensus. They're following the ICD-11 that says you can have multiple "Distinct Personality States" without trauma. They're following the creators of the theory of structural dissociation that have said there may be other ways to have multiple self-conscious "dissociative parts of the personality." They're following dissociative specialist Colin Ross and many others who have affirmed the existence of endogenic plurality time and time and time again. They're following the book Transgender Mental Heath and the American Psychiatric Association that published it which says you can be plural without trauma.

And they're following the research into tulpamancers which involves literal brain scans, showing actual neurological evidence that this is a real psychological phenomenon.

The only people who are peddling misinformation are you.

This is where the anti-endo community is at right now, where they consider psychologists who follow science to be "dangerous" to them for disagreeing.

They're not being abused though!

And the only reason this is negatively impacting anyone is because anti-endos keep trying to pick fights with their own therapists and convince their therapists how bad endogenic systems are. And the doctors just... aren't agreeing. They're not going to endorse your hate.

You can just drop it and move on!

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Endogenic systems exist in real life!

Some of us also need medical care!

And awareness of our existence and needs in the medical community is a an amazing thing.

So no. We're not going to stop until everyone, including your therapists, are aware of our existence.

I will never stop advocating for plural awareness as long as this body draw breath.

Here we have the "these people who don't claim to have DID are making it more difficult on people with DID to be taken seriously" braindrain.

As if the people who are skeptical likely haven't even heard of endogenic plurality, and their skepticism isn't a response to the largely anti-endo TikTok sphere.

Like, the doctors in those screenshots seemed largely supportive of their patient's DID. They just also happened to be supportive of these other people anti-endos don't like.

Except... they're not being harmed by their doctors, are they?

The doctors are just stating the truth, or sometimes even just avoiding stating their opinions but in ways that make it clear they side with endogenic systems.

Do you know what is actually harming these systems?

It's their own hate. Nothing more. Nothing less. So if I laugh at the "hurt" they experience, I'm laughing at the dramatic irony of it all.

These are people who are isolated and indoctrinated. They're convinced that these lies are "science" and fed a narrative that encourages them to hate fellow systems.

And the moment they encounter actual professional psych doctors and have to choose between believing their uneducated friends's claims about science and believing these doctors who have studied psychology for years of their lives... they choose hate.

And maybe it's wrong to laugh even at that dramatic irony.

Because this is serious, isn't it?

The truth is that hate is a poison. It damages your mental health. It damages your physical health. It destroys your relationships.

And in this case, the hate that blogs like antiendovents and anti-endo-haven are poisoning their followers with are causing friction between them and their own therapists. Therapists who they may have worked well and connected with before, even for years, but now this one issue is threatening to make them leave treatment that could help them.

If anti-endos can't stomach their therapists not being bigoted like they are, it's not the therapists who are harming them.

It's YOU.

It's your hate.

It's your poison infecting your friends.

All you do is harm the people you pretend to care about, and blame it on everyone else!

And I sincerely hope your so-called friends will find the strength to get away from you for their own good.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Anonymous asked:

I’m sorry you went through all that crap. I hope things are better for you. ):

Oh, if you’re talking about the situation from my past, then yeah, it’s much better now! Thank you so much for your concern <3 It is very sweet of you.

However, we do have a more serious situation on our hands right now, but I won’t go into details. This blog is for discussing the colour of Idia’s nipples, not this.

Speaking of which…

Anonymous asked:

I want to lick Idia’s chest. Apologies.

Quickly, Anon, Ortho is holding him just for you to lick! Ahh shoot he ran way…

Anonymous asked:

a lot of people tend to forget we’re asking you about /your/ hcs. and it’s perfectly ok if we disagree! what fun would the internet be without different opinions (the only valid hc is rook’s love language is stalking lol).

anyways who out of the cast do you think would own yaoi manga/doujins? personally i think idia would. maybe. if it’s physical/paper he can hide his naughty stuff from ortho and his mom…

Exactly! A lot of things influence the way people come up with ideas, this is such a complex thing, of course not everything is going to cater to everyone – this is simply impossible. Picking and choosing and reading stuff that interests you while avoiding things that annoy or hurt you is always the way to go.

(Rook’s love language is stalking, fuck yeah lol)

Oh, that’s a fun question. I feel like Idia would be the only one, and he would also probably have this excuse/explanation, like he really isn’t into BL, but this particular work is just very good, it has great art style, good writing + Idia’s favourite artist was influenced by this manga/series of doujins, so of course he had to get it, this is an important otaku artifact! And OF COURSE it’s paper, that’s the whole point! Even if it’s smutty, it’s art!

Ortho could start getting into BL himself; he would start by reading this one manga that Idia owns lol Idia was sure he’d hidden it well.

The rest of the cast strike me as normies… but hey, Lilia could have some! If he has any manga at all, I can imagine him owning a BL book just ‘cause. But since he probably bought it years ago when he was traveling around the TWST equivalent of Japan, it might be a bit outdated lol And probably a little cursed, which is why Lilia got so into this book back then.

Anonymous asked:

I just think it’s cool how you’re so detailed with the characters and their personality/psychology etc. You could even explain how each of them would go skydiving and I’d think, “yeah, they would do that.” Toodles.

Thank you so much, Anon! It truly means a lot. This is one of the most fun parts of writing replies and drawings stuff, to be honest: the cast is so good that the jokes write themselves sometimes lol

If only I knew enough about skydiving to write or draw something about it…but thankfully, we have a lot of other things to do. 💪

Thank you for enjoying our stuff, I am very happy to hear that.

Anonymous asked:

That's just fucking wrong. Jade is EXTREMELY well behaved for a Leech. "ill behaved" my ASS!!!

+Anonymous asked:

TO BE CLEAR IM JOKING JADE IS A FUCKING FREAK MENACE

LOL YOU’RE GOOD ANON, no worries! <3

“For a Leech”!!! Exactly! Which means he isn’t well-behaved at all!

Anonymous asked:

my guy, my friend,, my buddy,,,,

a hetalia mention? in 2024? why would you do this to us? 😭

Anon dear… Hetalia is a party that is never over 🥳🥳🥳 It forced itself into our lives in 2009 and has been there ever since.

In all seriousness, we do come back to it from time to time; some of the drawings that we have for it are pretty recent!

[dearweirdme]

I don’t expect Jm and Jk to stop doing what they do with all members.. that would mean they actually have to go and treat each other differently.

Thank you for answering my ask. I think we both have a similar mindset regarding this with slight variations. You just have a more diplomatic and soft way of saying things unlike me (nothing bad).😆

To answer you what I mean by Jungkook being quiet is the second episode of Jeju, for example. He was constant and consistent with Taehyung in epi 1 even when he was eating or doing any other stuff. Second episode was so off in his direct participation with Tae like he is being told to avoid speaking to him. It's more than Taehyung being not well. This quietness is ironic for two reasons because it may be epi 2 but it's the same day. He was quiet in his words but his actions spoke louder than words. Attesting that massage and leg pic. So, other than Director/staff intervening and isolating I see no other reason and I'm saying this keeping Taehyung's situation in mind. Another instance could be that stupid guest joke. Sometimes not speaking and laughing off makes a person accomplice. I've seen Jungkook butting in the middle when he thinks it's not said right or wants to clear something. He has always been sensitive to Taehyung so I think he shouldn't have laughed. I'm not expecting for him to fight for the latter just show a common courtesy you extend your partner/closest friend. It works absolutely fine behind the scenes but on cameras knowing how company and fandom operates, a little sensitivity is required in such matters.

Again, the blame doesn't go solely on him because technically all three were participant of that narrative. You could see Taehyung calling himself guest, you could see Jungkook calling him guest, I also saw Jmn calling him guest. So not blaming any member though frequency could been minimised overall. I wish all three should put a foot down for this misleading narrative. Referencing the top most paragraph, I think there is nothing wrong with Jimkook to stop behaving how they have been behaving even if it doesn't represent their true friendship because technically every member has different equations with each other and it comes differently at different spaces and time, sometimes as the need arises, so in a way everyone chooses what to show. Particularly, when it would minimise hate against their own member. I've seen Jungkook cutting back on that I just hope the other party also doesn't come under company pressure and stand for their member. Before someone wants to make it seem like I hate Jmn, that's a you problem because I'm not asking them to alienate each other but maybe try not to set up a program where the remaining maknae of the line gets excluded.

You also raised a point how we are more sensitive to this because it's Jimkook but I've really taken this approach from a rational position. For me, curbing member's hate is more important than showing true friendship/relationship. If it was restricted to shippers I could have understood but it has excerbated in general fandom and bleeding in the public spaces. So, I also wish how members stood up for Jmn subtly, they can stand up for Taehyung behind the scenes. Fighting alone makes contract negotiations difficult, especially when your colleagues are also doing well successfully.

I am a little emotional today, unfortunately had to read OT7 comments on BTS videos commentaries/reactions and how people simply avoid speaking about taekook even as a duo and Taehyung's eraser in BTS. And sorry for the length ask, not a native speaker.

Hi anon! I understand feelign hurt by this, and I understand wanting to protect a member and wanting other members to do that too. I think Jk does protect Tae to be honest. I think by showing how important Tae is to him in his private time, and by always keeping him close he does just that.

The problem I have with asking Jm and Jk to stop being as close as they are.. is that it's leaning a lot to what people say has happened between Tae and Jk. A huge part of fandom thinks that Tae and Jk stopped being close because they didn't like how shippers talked about the,. I don't want that for members, so while you are more team "curbing members hate" i suspect I am more team "wanting members to be comfortable and true in the ways they can be". Jm also gets hate because of Tae and Jk, and I would not want Jk and Tae to alter any of their interactions because of that.. alongside having to hide already. It is a slippery slope, I absolutely agree.

I think the company mostly plays a big role in this. They are able to partially direct the narrative and they chose to focus on Tae being a guest in way that leans to him being an intruder. Having said that.. it's in my opinion mostly Jkkrs preconceived ideas about this show that made things go wild. Even before the show dropped they decided this was going to be Jk and Jm in their most intimate ways. The ideas they had about this show were about Jm and Jk showing the truth (their relationship) and basically going on some romantic honeymoon kind of trip. They got mad when that turned out not to be the case. They were actually mad at both Tae and Jk during Jeju. After things settled down, they decided to ignore the parts that didn't fit.. and decided that it was indeed Jk and Jm at their most intimate. They gaslighted themselves into seeing what they wanted to see. Tae gets hate for that, and in return Tkkrs retaliated. It's a shitshow fandomwise. I think Bh could've predicted this. I think they don't mind the fandom engagement at all... the longer people talk about this the better in their opinion.

[croissantk]

AUGH IDK IF IM LATE TO THE ASK GAME BUT !!! mk and mei for the duo bingo!

HI HI HI you're not late at all don't worry!!

GOD OKAY. They make me a little bit insane. I know they like NEVER talk about it in the show, but I fully believe they met as children btw. However, I do think it would be funny if they met not too long before the show starts and their friendship is just Like That already. Because jt would be funny. (Pls writers give us more backstory) Also, yes, it's a little weird, but I'm cool w both romantic and familial interpretations as long as you don't take away from the friendship aspect. Because they literally have no other excuse for caring about each other in the way they do, it's just pure platonic devotion. (So basically, as long as ur interpretation stays in character) just GOSH they are so silly and then when shit starts getting serious they're clearly like eachothers #1 priority; their first instinct is to protect eachother. (Yes I'm looking at s4e2 when mk chooses to save mei from the curse goop over everyone else. Yes I'm looking at s3e9 when mei tried to attack macaque for hurting mk even though she was literally KEELED over in pain. And many more such cases.)

Not even to mention what we were talking about in rb tags of my post, where the way their relationship/themselves are kinda foreshadowed to be something doomed (especially in regards to the hero&warrior/eclipseduo parallels) but they care about eachother (and everyone else) so much, that they both make self-sacrifical actions just to save eachother (and the world). Mei losing her sword when protecting mk. Letting herself be captured by lbd so mk can get away safely. The whole thing with mk going in the samadhi fire to reach mei. Which is also something I so desperately wish we could get a parellel/sequel to with the roles switched; mei trying to reach mk in his struggle with his identity/powers. It ties into both themes of abandoning vs protecting your friends + breaking the cycle sooo well.

However!!! Another aspect that I wish got more attention; how mk is ignorant to mei's feelings sometimes. It happens a few times throughout the show and it's usually brushed off easily but it IS a recurring issue that I wish the writers delved into more..it was kinda touched on in s5 and it made my eyebrows raise but it looks like it's still being played for jokes? Idk. I find it interesting because it is very clear that mk and swk are avoidant to their own feelings but no one talks about how mei is like that as well. I think mk and mei both struggle with self-worth issues just in a different font, that leads them to both make self-sacrificing decisions for the sake of the people they care about. Then you mix that together into one derangedly devoted relationship. And I wish they did more with it. Bc it makes me crazy.

[thedoover-if]

hi! sorry for another question on this theme, but I'm guessing you already know that this is a hurtful spot for many people. you've said this when asked about ignoring the ex:

well its gonna be hard i think LOL cause theyll hang around town quite a bit and with the ex its like theyre so charming, but cheeky at the same time, theyve kinda got this talent of making you think youre just old friends catching up. sometimes it feels like it was all just a blip in time and the whole cheating thing didnt happen

and also in the snippet there are a couple of mentiones of mc still being affected by their "charm" , but I'm guessing that it's on the exs route so that would make sense.

my question is, how much choice does the player have over how "charmed" their mc is after the ex comes back outside of their route at least? can we choose for mc to not be affected or will mc always no matter what or will mc have wishful(can't find a word that could work better) thoughts around them like in the snippet? I already know I will be avoiding their route if I play, but the wording in those 2 posts didn't make it clear to me really so I wanted to ask directly 😅

I'm not asking you to rewrite your game, and I'm glad you enjoy writing complex flawed characters (and there should be more of them! cheating is just something that I personally can never read in any type of fiction, I still enjoy other flawed characters though), but a game with mc who still earns for their ex is just something I would not be able to make myself go through.

also it's understandable if that's a set feature for mc for plot/any other reason, I'm just trying to see if this game is not for me before getting a spoonful of content i would have avoided if I knew, if that makes sense 😅

hi! no need to apologise this is a very valid question!!! you will get to choose whether the ex still has the some kind of involuntary effect on you!! i just posted a branch at random so yeah not everyone is going to identify with it. im gonna add a description explaining this now though so thanks!! (i really need to start labelling things properly haha)

thank for the question hope this clears thing!!!!

[linklethehistorian]

I'm curious about 4. and 16. for the choose violence ask!

Sure thing! Since you didn’t specify a fandom, let’s go through them all. ^-^

Under the cut for both length and spoilers for some of the fandoms. lol Proceed with caution as always.

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

Bungou Stray Dogs fandom: Well, I’ve blocked about seven different people in this fandom, actually; for the first five, it was because they were a group of five haters who, by their own self-admission, instead of blocking or avoiding me for the sake of their own mental health when they found my content uncomfortable, continued to keep me unblocked and even actively seek out my page just so they could get angry/upset and then send me harassment in asks and/or vague post about how much they hated me.

Personally, I didn’t care all that much about the vagueposting; as I’ve said in the past, I actually kind of find hate motivational and fueling for my creative fire from time to time, but it was clear that it was getting very unhealthy for them, and since they hadn’t the sense to do it themselves, I simply blocked them from my own end so that they couldn’t see me anymore.

For one of the other two, they just had the worst fucking takes in the world, and their content kept somehow getting recommended to me as being “based on my likes” despite that I had never liked anything similar (or even anything from them), and since I found it to be headache-inducingly bad — and not even in an entertaining way, either — I simply blocked them.

And for the last one, they actually used to be a friend of mine, but they unfortunately seemed to have fallen down into a toxic rabbit hole since our last interaction years ago, and eventually came back and started accusing a close friend (and me, purely by association) of terrible shit for absolutely no reason, so I blocked them. I really do wish them well and that they come back around to their senses someday and realize the error of throwing accusations around simply because you’re still bitter over a breakup, but seeing as that’s unlikely, I’ll spare myself the trouble and just keep them blocked.

Legend of Zelda fandom: I said in a previous post where I listed out answers to all of the questions for this fandom that I’ve never blocked anyone in the Zelda fandom for fandom-related reasons, and that’s true, but I did block someone in this fandom once, for other reasons.

It’s a little bit of a long story, but to put it simply, there was this guy who had been stalking my now ex-girlfriend (mtf, tho she hadn’t come out as trans yet at the time while we were in the relationship) and had created a sock puppet account on a large Zelda forum we were on in order to find out information about me.

The story actually runs a lot deeper than just being a cut-and-dried “oh, he was a creepy stalker who had bad intent” situation — there’s a lot of nuance involved that would take quite a while to dig into and explain — but as I don’t really feel like getting into the whole tale right now, I’ll just leave it at that even tho the guy came clean to me out of guilt shortly after creating the account, it was my ex’s firm insistence that I block him, and so I did as she asked with it. And that was that.

Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel fandom: I’ve never blocked anyone from this fandom, but God has it been tempting sometimes… Thankfully, I don’t follow any blogs that make me feel like that, but if someone’s annoying ass bad takes ever start continually appearing on my recommended like they did with BSD, believe you me I’mma start blocking faster than the speed of light.

Other fandoms: I’ve never blocked anyone in any other fandoms, actually, and I can’t say I really have any active reason to at the moment, as most of them seem chill enough to not be an active and rampant threat unless you go looking for them.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Bungou Stray Dogs fandom: … sighs …We’re really doing this, aren’t we? Okay. Listen, I want to start this out by saying that I am a huge advocate for AUs and personal canons and ships and whatever else out there in the fictional world that you can imagine — go ham, have fun with it.

That being said, I will never in my life understand the appeal a very specific portion of the fandom finds in the concept that Arthur Rimbaud/Randou is as equally cold, unhinged, and detached as Paul Verlaine — often to the point where people genuinely allow that AU headcanon to skew their view of canon and convince themselves that it is such, when nothing could be farther from the truth (and the truth is actually far more unique, deep, and interesting).

Although the block button has largely solved this issue for me these days, my eyes have unfortunately already seen far too many posts of people talking about how a large majority of the fandom “gets Arthur wrong” because they don’t make him and Paul into this unhinged, cold-hearted assassin duo, and frankly, it’s just bullshit.

You can enjoy and/or ignore whatever the fuck you want in a series for your own personal canon and AUs, but don’t delude yourself and lie to others about official canon in the process because you’re pissy that the uppermost levels of official canon don’t represent certain characters the way you’ve imagined them in your head.

For one thing, if everyone around you is supposedly the issue, and even the uppermost levels of official canon themselves in their original language are supposedly the issue….then I hate to say it, but the only person or thing in need of a reality check is probably you.

Arthur was never an assassin; these people out there who are acting like “oh, Arthur being a spy means he must be cold-blooded and must have committed as many murders as Paul has” are insane; despite what certain stories in media will tell you, being a spy does not necessarily have to ever involve murder, and even if it did, Paul could have easily been the one doing the murdering. Is Arthur 100% innocent? Are his hands 100% clean of blood? No! But canonically, the only 1,000% confirmed act of physical harm he has ever committed was the attempted murder of Dazai and Chuuya, and even then he showed significant hesitation, and only committed to doing that so as to both save Paul and to avoid potentially harming significantly more people should assassins have been sent after him. Is it probable he may have killed people during the faked Arahabaki incident? Yes. Is it probable he may have either directly or indirectly killed at least a small number people while either working as a spy or as a mafioso? Yes. But is it confirmed? No. There is nothing at all that directly, explicitly confirms he himself has ever killed anyone at his own hands. It is likely that he has, but unless it is ever directly stated that he did, it is still technically not canon and thus 100% up for interpretation based on what you would like to believe about him. Until we know otherwise, he could have killed as few or as many people as you so desire.

However, what is not up for interpretation when it comes to official canon is that if these murders did occur, they were absolutely not done in cold blood. True canon — the original JP light novel(s), and, second to that in the canon hierarchy, the original JP Stage Plays — have gone far out of their way to express that Arthur is the farthest thing from a cold, emotionless killer. Despite how some would like to believe, Paul is not his “one exception”; Arthur cares about the lives of literally everyone and feels deep, intense remorse and hesitance over the idea of harm coming to literally everyone. If you think this man is “cold-hearted”, you have not read the actual canon — you have either watched an adaptation that took some massive liberties and not looked past that, or you have made up a story in your head based on what you would have preferred, and you refuse to accept the validity of anything that disagrees with it.

…Anyhow, yes…while people can absolutely make him such in AUs and personal canon if that’s what they enjoy, it makes me extremely annoyed when people conflate that with canon, and I will never be able to truly understand the appeal of it in general. The idea of two characters who are just “absolutely unhinged, cold blooded assassins who care only about each other” is, in my opinion, far less interesting than, and even downright insulting to, the deep characters that both he and Paul are, and the great narrative foil that the emotional, shy, sensitive, openly caring, and much more mercy-minded and life-valuing Arthur makes to the admittedly unhinged and cold-blooded (but still very much deeper than fandom treats him) Paul.

People can like what they like, but man, it is definitely not for me, and I feel like if that’s the dynamic you’re really looking for, there must be better characters out there to do it with.

Legend of Zelda fandom: See [here].

Doctor Who fandom: I’m sure there is something, but I honestly can’t think of it at this moment in time. Most of what’s enjoyed even vaguely popularly in this massive fandom is…pretty alright by me, honestly? Or at least understandable.

Ace Attorney fandom: Honestly, I have more to say on what this fandom doesn’t like than what it does, so we’ll skip over this one for now. If I think of something later, I’ll amend it.

Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel fandom: The idea that Stolas is a bad father and an equally bad person to Stella. Also that everyone in Hell must be bad in some way.

Final Fantasy fandom: …Final Fantasy VIII. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t think it’s a bad game by any means, or even a bad Final Fantasy game; I just don’t think that comparatively to some of the actually (in my opinion) amazing games that get way more shit from than they deserve, it’s really that much to write home about.

I think that it had a ton of great ideas going for it, but that a lot of those ideas got lost along the way in the quest to explore other ones — which ultimately led to the vast majority of them just barely getting touched on at all. And, of course, there’s a big major plothole where the main character gets absolutely fatally impaled by the main antagonist and then it just…basically doesn’t even get addressed at all? Also, all of the main characters sharing the exact same backstory and then just having conveniently forgotten about it was…deeply underwhelming and felt a bit lazy, to be honest.

And…yeah… I liked some of the characters a ton, and I enjoyed some of the plot points, but I definitely can’t understand why it’s hailed as being so great compared to certain others that are just…objectively actually more solid and well-written.

Pikmin fandom: I wanted to try to be as absolutely thorough as possible in listing out any of the series that I love and have actively participated in the fandom of (whether that be going out of my way to interact with fan content for it or making my own, or both), but honestly, I haven’t been around the fandom of this one quite enough to know if there are any popular takes or favorites out there that I’d strongly disagree with, or of which I’d particularly question the appeal.

Xenoblade Chronicles fandom: I know this is probably going to piss off a lot of people out there, but honestly, both Xenoblade 2 and Xenoblade 3 — but for opposite reasons, and with the DLC games notwithstanding for both of them, as I have few complaints with either of those.

I understand why people love Xenoblade 2 as a story on the whole — even if I think the first five chapters are largely very weak with only a few highlights and far too much filler and have terrible pacing — because the last five chapters just make every bit of the initial drudgery worthwhile, but I what I cannot and will never understand are the people who think the gameplay is somehow anywhere even close to good — much less god tier. Genuinely, there are not a lot of games I would call worse and less user friendly gameplay-wise in the modern era than Xenoblade 2; as a matter of fact, there is so much wrong with it that I can’t even begin to unpack all of the problems here, except to try to just lump it all together and put it very simply by saying that a fully paid-for, full price game absolutely should not entirely rely upon you having good luck in an absurdly rigged, file-dependant rng pity-system-granting uncheatable gacha system in order to progress the main plot, and even still make you sit through hours waiting for the skills to unlock on those characters that you have to be lucky enough to get good RNG assigned to your file to even get a halfway decent chance to get through further, still absurdly rigged RNG.

Normally, I would say how good a game is or isn’t is just a matter of personal opinion and what one is looking for, but legitimately, if you see no problem with this game’s gameplay and view it as something that should be defended, then you either got the best possible RNG in the world and played the game at such an absurdly slow pace that you somehow never even encountered one instance where skill unlocking slowed you down from progressing the plot, or you are just the biggest simp in the world for this game and you’re lying because you just can’t stand the idea of not defending every single aspect of this game even if you know for a fact that part of it is awful and inexcusable.

And as Xenoblade 3, that game has the opposite problem; whereas Xenoblade 2 had an overall amazing story the farther you progress with terrible gameplay, Xenoblade 3 has overall amazing gameplay with a (for the franchise) absolutely weak story that just completely drops the ball at the end. Thankfully, just as Torna: The Golden Country largely improved on the gameplay of Xenoblade 2 with its release, Future Redeemed largely improves and even fixes and, dare I say redeems, the story of Xenoblade 3 (even if it does make it feel a bit redundant in some aspects)…but…that doesn’t excuse the game being weak initially to begin with compared to its predecessors, and I truly can’t understand what all the hype for it was before the DLC released, as at the time I only found it a massive disappointment in all of the worst ways considering its series’ strong reputation for cut-above storytelling and incredible foreshadowing.

Also…in regards to Xenoblade 1…I don’t understand the appeal of Shulk and Melia as a mutually required ship — I’m sorry; if you love it, that’s 100% valid and I hope you have fun with it, but like…I just see zero romantic chemistry between them on Shulk’s side; I honestly see more chemistry potential between Fiora and Melia and that isn’t even canon on any level. I really think Melia is just best narratively having a one-sided interest in Shulk; anything else has always just felt forced to me.

Pokémon fandom: This is one of those fandoms where I have more of a problem with the dislikes than the likes, but I guess as with most games, I don’t really see the appeal of a truly open world; Scarlet and Violet pulled it off alright, but it wasn’t entirely open, and even then it had the typical issues of limiting storytelling ability through lack of any linearity at many points. I know many people are going to say “oh, but Pokémon has very rarely had a super deep story; it’s pretty much only a select few of the middle and more recent gens that did this”, and that may be true, but…why should we have to go back from that?

People use this excuse with many older games that have had a long series — that because their first iterations “weren’t that deep”, it’s somehow the natural and most acceptable course of action to go back to those roots, even if they’ve come very far from that over the years, and to me it’s just absurd. It’s like saying that we should go back to using outhouses because that is the purest form of using a bathroom and it was the way bathrooms were always meant and intended to be used; as we get more advanced in technology, we are naturally going to progress and do more that once could only have been a dream to us before. All old games weren’t necessarily lacking story because they “didn’t want to do anything more”, but because they didn’t have those capabilities. 2D games weren’t all 2D because no one wanted them to ever be seen in 3D, but because 3D wasn’t possible yet.

I will never understand the desire to backtrack on progress made simply because “that’s how it was back in the day”.

…Also, as far as the anime, I get that the idea of Ash growing up would’ve been cool and all, but like…I seriously don’t understand why it’s that big of a deal to people. Ash staying in a form that’s iconic is hardly surprising or beyond understanding, and really I would’ve cared more to see Ash grow emotionally from all of his journeys than physically, but eh. To each their own.

Super Mario fandom: The OoC situation that happened with Princess Peach at the end of Super Mario Odyssey. Straight up, I will say that I’ve never played the game, but from what I have heard (and please do correct me if I’m wrong!!!), Peach straight up rejects both Bowser and Mario from marrying her at the end, and like…for some reason everyone thinks this is some cool girl power moment instead of realizing that this, while maybe a cool message had it been any other character with any other two pushy suitors, is…actually deeply out of character for her.

It wouldn’t be so incredibly OoC if it weren’t for the fact that in all previous Mario games, Peach has been explicitly in love with Mario and very, very happy to be with him and be very romantic with him every time he’s rescued her, and he’s always been a gentleman to her, too, so like…the whole thing just sounds really off to me and I’m not sure why not many people are bothered by this like I am.

Maybe I just don’t have the context everyone else does. I don’t know.

Persona fandom: …Persona 5; don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoyed the story of this one quite a bit and I think it had great foreshadowing, but like…at least comparatively to 3, I don’t know why it seems to be “the baby” of the fandom. As a story, 3 is just so much more compelling and emotionally high stakes, with a lot more actual deaths and consequences and, frankly, more interesting twists and characters on the whole, and that’s all I’m going to say on that…for now.

Persona 5 was…pretty alright; Persona 3 was stellar.

Makai Ouji fandom: Pretty much the same situation as Pikmin here; while I’ve technically been in this fandom for at least 7 or 8 years, I…don’t really have enough active interaction with the greater fandom to know if there are any popular opinions or ideas I’d disagree with.

There are some fandoms that I just…don’t really have the drive to engage with that much outside of the source material, and this is one of them. Sometimes you feel called to engage with and observe the larger fan base and its creations, and sometimes you just don’t; this is one of the latter times.

Person of Interest fandom: I’m just gonna say it — Shoot. I know it’s canon, but honestly, that pairing felt so fucking forced — and I don’t mean forced as in “oh, they need to stop shoving gay relationships down our throats” like you’d expect to hear from some bigot or something, I mean forced as in they weren’t compatible, there was no chemistry, and literally no strong lead-up to the relationship whatsoever. One day the Machine was just like “oh I predict a possible timeline where you two get together” and then suddenly that one hypothetical possible scenario was enough for them to actually get together after an eternity of hating each other and torturing each other and literally trying to kill each other.

I think the pairing sucks and it felt terribly shoehorned at the very end of the show, when there were a million better options out there for the both of them, and then within like two episodes they killed one of them off anyway.

If anyone reading this likes it, then good on you, but personally I will just never understand the appeal of it.

Code Vein fandom: Honestly, the same situation as Pikmin and Makai Ouji here. I love the game dearly and I definitely consider myself a member of the fandom, but also I’ve never truly interacted with the rest of the fandom enough longterm to pick up on any grievances I might normally have about it; what little I have seen of the fandom, they’re very nice and chill people who really enjoy character creation mode, and pretty much that’s all I know of them.

Five Nights at Freddy’s fandom: Damn, I guess this is how I come out about being this one after years of silence, huh…

Oh well… I’m sure there are actually many things I could be talking about here if I put my mind to it lol, but I’ll probably just go with the fact that wayyyy too many people are comfortable and content with just writing off Gregory as evil or cold-blooded, when Ruin made it pretty damn clear that the Mimic was the one who made Cassie take the plunge in the elevator, and not him.

This fandom has a lot of wildly incorrect theories, though.

…Also, I don’t really understand the appeal of wanting to fuck the animatronics, but meh, maybe they’re just not humanoid enough for me. *shrugs* I like my anthropomorphic animals to have a massive dash of humanoidness to them and these guys just…don’t. Also they’re inherently super spooky and I’m not usually about that life.

Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE fandom: Dude, we’re seriously a fandom of like literally 5 people across the entire internet; we ain’t big enough of a fandom to have problems amongst ourselves about popular takes. A take from one single person could be considered popular here. …But really, we all seem pretty cool from what I’ve seen.

Fringe fandom: I don’t usually actively engage in this one’s large-scale fandom, either, but when I have…I can’t say I’ve ever seen a take I disagreed with, really; at least not one that’s stood out to me, so…yeah. It’s all good, I guess.

Nier Replicant/Automata fandom: Honestly, we have the same situation here as Pikmin, Makai Ouji, Code Vein, and Fringe. I have no idea about the favoritism or the takes because I don’t really hang out in this fandom in my spare time all that much.

I’m sure there are things I’d take issue with if I searched enough, but what little I’ve seen of it is fine.

Other fandoms: Since I’m sure I’m forgetting quite a few and/or don’t consider myself a big/long/active enough fan to list them here, I’ll just lump all the rest into this category and say, obviously if I have had any interactions that I’ve learned fandom takes or favorites I’ve disagreed with from, they didn’t make a big enough impression to end up on this list, so all things considered, they must not be super bad to me — probably.

—

Aaaand that’s all of them! Thanks for the ask and happy reading!

[afineprivateplace]

The Billeted Pachyderm Dilemma

I'll be treading into some murky waters with this entry. I'm not a psychologist, I'm not an expert on mental health, and I know armchair diagnosis is a dangerous area to get into. But all that said, I needed to try to understand how I ended up being treated the way I was in my relationship if I was going to start recovering. I wanted to be able to look at Anagram's behaviour and see if it made some kind of sense. And it was while talking to a friend of mine who works in the mental health sphere that I started to pick up on things I recognised from my time with Anagram. Mental health had always been the elephant in the room between us; I was aware that I had my issues and tried to be upfront about them, but we could never seem to talk about what was going on in Anagram's head without them taking it as a personal attack. It's only been after the breakup and with me coming to terms with the abuse that I've given this some consideration. I've done some reading, talked to my friend, watched some videos. I have a theory - which is all it is, but I think a strong one - about what Anagram has been dealing with. In some ways it makes me more sympathetic to them even as I wish they'd been able to face it themselves and avoid hurting me.

From the start, it was clear Anagram had a fear of abandonment. They had felt neglected by their parents, who even before divorcing had been kind of neglectful of Anagram and their siblings. As an adult, they seemed like they were always expecting friends or partners to leave them, and I think this resulted in ending friendships first to avoid that. With me, there were often threats to leave me followed by demands that I not give up on the relationship. With me and with other people, Anagram's opinion could change on a dime; one moment someone would be an amazing person who only brought joy, and then the next they'd be an irredeemable asshole who was more or less dead to them. (I was particularly either "beautiful" or "a piece of shit" depending on the mood of the day.) Anagram, despite claiming to not be an angry person, would fly into rages where they'd lose all sense of control or proportion. Sometimes this anger led to periods of dissociation, and they'd forget things they'd said or done during this time, absolutely refusing to believe me when I described any of the things they'd done. Outside of anger, their moods would seesaw wildly. Sometimes they would self-harm, which they generally kept from me as much as possible. Sometimes it seemed like Anagram had a really strong sense of self; other times, it seemed like they were completely unsure who they were at all. But beyond anxiety and a certain amount of depression, which they claimed to have under control, Anagram never admitted to any particular mental health issues.

It was only when my friend started talking about someone else we knew going through some of the same things that I started reading about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). There are nine diagnostic criteria for this condition, and a person only needs to meet six to be diagnosed with it. The more I looked into it, the more I was convinced that this was what Anagram had been going through. Again, I'm not a psychologist, so I can't say anything definitive here. But it did feel like the elephant in the room had a name that fit.

I want to be clear here that I don't think BPD made Anagram an abuser. Them abusing me is a choice they made, that they were perfectly able to not choose. Mental illness affects everyone who has it in a number of ways, but it doesn't create or excuse violence. And I understand that the person who suffered most from Anagram having BPD - if that is the case - is Anagram themselves. As I said, I have some sympathy for them having to experience this. I don't believe they knew this about themselves, and I certainly didn't at the time, so neither of us was able to help Anagram in the way they needed. (I am told that BPD is a highly treatable condition when people are aware they have it.) Anagram was suffering, and I wasn't helping. Their anger is understandable, even if taking it out on me was inexcusable.

I know there are a lot of people out there with BPD and other personality disorders like it. All of them deserve sympathy and understanding, most especially from their romantic partners. I'm probably not the sort of person who's equipped to be in a relationship with anyone who has BPD, which I can realise about myself now. I don't know if I could have helped Anagram if we'd both had this knowledge at the time. Perhaps it would have just been the trigger for us to break up, peacefully, a lot sooner.

Still, I'm upset that simply not knowing what was going on another person's head left me vulnerable to being so deeply hurt. If nothing else, it's taught me to be so vigilant about my own mental health issues, and the responsibility I have to see how they affect me, how my behaviour then affects other people. Especially now, as the pain and anger I feel interferes with my ability to regulate my mood, I keep watch over my interactions and keep prepared to apologise when I cross lines with the people around me. All I can do is remember my fear and shame as I tried to protect myself from an attacker, and promise myself that I won't ever do that to someone else.

[cyanlastride]

theres a reason im so nervous and avoidant. that reason has a lot to do with why i will never learn how to do magic tricks.

see, i like magic tricks. i think theyre pretty neat. a lot of clever thinking and sleight of hand go into them. a lot of them use decks of cards, which i also think are pretty neat.

one of my main hobbies is playing card games. not ones that use standard 52-card playing decks, but rectangular pieces of cardboard nonetheless. one might think, "oh, thats neat! so if you learn how to card magic card tricks, you could maybe learn to do them with your fancy-shmancy cards!" and youd be correct. its a little bit tougher, especially because the cards i play with are sleeved, but the same sleight of hand fundamentals apply. you may begin to see the problem here.

lets say that in between matches, we have some downtime, so i decide to perform a little trick for my opponent. i have them choose a card, i shuffle it into the deck, they cut the deck, i seem to utterly lose track of it, and then tada! its back on top. wow, wasnt that fun? okay, lets play our next game. shuffle up, cut, alrighty, so my deck really needs this powerful card to function-- and wouldnt you know it, its on top. hm. my opponent isnt smiling anymore. in fact, theyre calling a judge.

it is for this very reason that i will never learn how to do card tricks -- because if i know how to do them, and my opponent knows i know how to do them, it doesnt matter if i use those skills to cheat or not. just knowing that i have the power to play unfairly destroys the trust necessary to play the game.

in high school, i learned a lot (as i imagine most people do) about self-expression. i found that i could fit it with many different types of people, as long as i spent time watching for what kind of traits those people like in others. this became subconscious for me -- i would act one way around one friendgroup, and a different way around another, and everyone liked me, albeit substantially different versions of me. i think this is fairly normal for everyone -- we all have a way we act when we're at work, vs at home, vs with friends. that, as far as im aware, is normal.

the problem arises when i want something from someone. ive become very good at knowing how to frame questions, how to position my body, how to act nervous or shy or bored or frustrated or respectful or even commanding, so that i get what i want. and its all subconscious -- i couldnt really tell you how i do it, but i know that i do it because i get yeses when my peers get nos. i have the power to play unfairly.

so, when i want something from somebody but i know that they may not want to give it to me, and i want to respect their right to deny me the thing, i practice extreme self-control. i force myself to be almost robotic, take extra effort to see the situation from every angle, and be very clear with them what their options are and that they can, and are even encouraged, to deny me whatever it is that i want. i actively shoot myself in the foot to counteract my own desires. i do this because i am terrified that one day i am going to ask for something i want, the person is going to give it to me, and then later theyre going to realize that i cheated. or that, at the very least, i couldve cheated. and that will destroy the trust required to play the game. this is not a hypothetical; this has happened to me at least twice before.

so when i ask if youre free to talk, but its okay if youre not cuz i know its late and im fine i just wanted to chat;

when i ask if you want to hang out sometime, oh but you have that thing tomorrow dont you, oh well im busy anyways so no worries;

when you lean up against me, and i freeze;

its not because i want you to say no. its because im terrified of influencing you at all in your decision to say yes.

because the trust required to play the game has already been destroyed -- i destroyed it in myself. so all i can do is hope that you are able to read my mind. and when you encounter no encouragement nor resistance, you keep going.

[hlekani-666]

<112> 16. Atheist Republic Newletter: A personal message from the Atheist Republic founder.

A personal message from Atheist Republic founder, Armin Navabi: When I was a young Muslim in the Islamic Republic of Iran, I became terrified of hell. I spent years trying to find a way to avoid going there. But what terrified me even more, was the thought of my mother going to hell because she did not pray five times a day like good Muslims were supposed to.

In our school, we were taught that if a boy dies before the age 15 (or a girl before the age of 9), he would enter heaven no matter what. In my mind, it was clear what I should do and was surprised no one else took advantage of this obvious loophole.

I jumped out the window at my school in an attempt to kill myself and enter heaven; I failed. I broke my wrist, both legs, and my back, and I ended up in wheelchair for seven months. After my failed attempt, and seeing what it did to my mother, I decided to just try to be a good Muslim. I became very religious and begged my parents to pray on a daily basis.

I started studying Islam in greater detail; the more I studied, the more questions I had and the more confused I got. I started questioning God's judgment to send people to hell simply because they picked the wrong religion, and then I felt guilty for questioning God. But then, I convinced myself that studying the nature of God couldn't be a bad thing. I decided to study religions other than Islam, even ancient, dead ones, to see what was so evil about them that the adherents should deserve eternal damnation.

The more I learned, the more it seemed possible that the whole thing could be a man-made concept. I was terrified about even letting that thought enter my mind. But it did. And I couldn't take it back. I could feel the doors of hell opening right in front of me. I could feel God looking right into my thoughts. I could feel his disappointment. I felt like I let my best friend, my protector, my creator, down. I felt so ungrateful and even evil. But once the doubt started, I couldn't stop it anymore. I kept thinking about the idea of religion being man-made and the more I did, the stronger my doubt got.

Eventually I decided that I needed to face all of it head-on. I knew God was real and there must be proof. I thought if I could find the proof, my faith would be stronger than ever. I started my hunt for evidence, or any logical reasoning for the existence of God, but I couldn't find any. I grew desperate. I started praying, begging God to show me anything. A sign, a message, anything. My prayers were never answered.

By age 18, I had lost all my faith in God. I felt cheated, betrayed, fooled. I had sacrificed so much (almost my life) for a fairytale. I knew no one else who doubted God. Sometimes, I felt that maybe there was something wrong with my head. I thought, "Am I really that arrogant to think that I have discovered something that no one I knew had realized?" I wanted to let more people know about my lack of belief and the thought process that had led me to that conclusion.

I was becoming exceedingly lonely being an atheist in an Islamic country so I started a community about this topic on Orkut (a social media website that was popular in some countries before Facebook). I was surprised to see so many people joining the community and discussing the topic. I was so excited to find others like me. The idea of God not existing didn't seem so crazy anymore. I wanted to reach out to more people, find more atheists, and discuss God and religion with anyone who was interested; more than that, I wanted people to see atheism as a legitimate option. It seemed unfair that people weren't given a chance to choose.

I didn't set out to convince people that God doesn't exist, my aim was to let them know about the many people who didn't believe in God, providing an invitation for them to explore such ideas if they were interested. But more than that, I wanted to create more communities for atheists like me, and make them feel less lonely and ashamed. I wanted them to know that not only are there others like them, but that there are people out there willing to listen, support and guide them. So, in 2011, I started a page on Facebook and later, a private Facebook group, for atheists who prefer discussing topics in private.

Since then, we developed a website with a blog, news, and resources, and grown a management team of over 150 people from all around the world. The Facebook page has grown to more than 1.2 million fans, and the private group is one of the most active private atheist communities online.

Atheist Republic is a growing community of godless heathens who share views and ideas, help one another express their atheism, support one another, and discuss news, books and other atheist expressions. We give every atheist a chance to share their views with the community or raise awareness about those things which matter to them.

Atheist Republic is a reflection of the views and ideas of its community as a whole. That's why it's called a republic. The entire community, all our Facebook fans, all of the people who engage with AR through the website, all direct the course of the community.

It's clear that atheists care. A lot of atheists want to find a way to help, to make a difference. Those who wish to be more involved can join the management team. The members of the Atheist Republic team have the opportunity to express themselves through images, blogs, news articles, newsletters and other resources.

The barriers of communication are breaking down, and our new more transparent world is becoming a much more difficult environment for religion to spread. More and more people are being exposed to the fact that many atheists are moral, see true beauty in the world and lead rich, meaningful lives.

The future of Atheist Republic is bright. We have ideas for offline events and groups, making it easy for our community to plan and organize through the website. We want to continue to add resources to the website and have plans in place for adding more poetry and visual art. We would like to create videos and a podcast to reach an even wider audience with more information and resources, and we have plans for Arabic and Spanish versions of our site. We are excited and hope you will continue to journey with us.

Link To Original Post:

[queermarzipan]

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

BEST. SURPRISE. EVER.

BTW

I LOVE YOU ASMI I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

SOOIGJLCFGOOOOO

R o b e r t d e n e i r o

R O B E R T D E N E I R O

i'm dying. i'm actually dying

Russel T. Davies

Russel T. Davies

ily asmi

i'm laughing bc this is incredibly obvious to ME but that is EXACTLY THE SAME RHYTHM so i am in fact delighted that you knew that

Yes this is true. Twelve is the lesbian and thirteen is idk pansexual or something idk. some sort of extremely niche microlabel i feel. not 'lesbian'

YOU WOULD THINK WOULDN'T YOU but no the master just really is that much of an ego-full person. he chose the name. like every time lord gets to choose their name and he called himself the master. & honestly there is also some sort of BDSM thing going on where the master REALLY LIKES the doctor using their name. and they're also both firmly in 'I Can Fix Him' territory about each other. fucking hell

MISSY MY FUCKING BELOVED ISTG I'M SO MAD THAT THE ONLY MASTER ARC THAT HAD HER BE LIKE FIXING HERSELF WAS WHILE SHE WAS A WOMAN AND THEY HAD THAT CLEAR DELINEATION THEY MADE BTW 'THE MASTER' AND 'MISSY' & I'M JUST. I LOVE HER. YOU FUCKING GOT ME. W H Y

the fucking bigeneration i was READY TO CRY & then they gave me the BEST GIFT OF ALL FUCKING TIME WHOVIANS EVERYWHERE CHEERED ISTFG

i also fucking sobbed but that's not the point the point is it fixed me

i love how little catherine knows about doctor who. every interview they do where david and catherine are together and something factual about the lore comes up david turns to catherine like "👀😇" i fucking love it

the QPR is the realest thing ever istFG it's so much stronger than stobin it really is and i'm biased towards stobin bc they're my FIRST PLANTONIC SHIP but omg they knocked it out of the park. the doctor 7 donna. forevermore. in the brains of people who have gone insane

THE FUCKING. KILLS HER. FUCK

HE KILLS HER

TO SAVE HER LIFE

BUT HE STILL KILLS HER

AND HE HAS TO CARRY THAT

FUCKING HELLLLLLLLLLL

this is what the 60th anniversary fixed in me btw. this pain. the cracks r still conveniently there & reopen when i put myself back in time within the canon

why would i do that you ask

obviously

i

must

????

pain

donna

</3.

^see. totally reasonable

the original show had shitty effects and so does the new one and everyone loves it. if u genuinely think the shitty effects of dw are something to overcome u r made aware that u r incorrect. we love our ridiculous procreate ass living bin and obviously plastic mickey. go watch avengers if u want GOOD cgi

this is profoundly accurate & also neutral which is smart bc having not watched the show u would ABSOLUTELY not be able to adequately defend your position to avoid having ppl come up to ubto ""explain" why ur wrong.

that said.

tentoo is the best ending rose tyler could have possibly had it tied in with themes in school reunion & impossible planet & family of blood & also fucking army of ghosts & doomsday & no one can ever change my mind. i fucking love it to fucking pieces u can pry the metacrisis from my cold dead hands

HE'S CALLED TENTOO BC HE'S ALSO TEN IT'S A FUCKING PUN IT'S THE BEST PUN EVER I LOVE IT

NuWho is one word & New Who is two words. Expeditiousness is the friend of all. this is the fandom that uses full-on numbers to refer to versions of a character lke the infamous "you can like 11 better than 10" post lmao u expect us to keep two words we could conpress into one??

THE TARDIS SHOULD ABSOLUTELY IMPLEMENT RIBBONS FOR SEATBELTS IF I EVER GET TO WRITE FOR THE SHOW THAT'S MY FIRST FUCKING SUGGESTION. I'M FUCKING LOVING THAT. also the tardis😍😍🩵💙🩵💙💙🩵💙🩵🩵

he does indeed. bridgerton episode

the ninth doctor is sometimes a butch lesbian and sometimes something unknowable & i think it was the unknowable version that was bobbing his head. he fucking rocks also ur absolutely right he has so little rizz. he can get it

truth. nothing more to say

very very queer. nothing more to say

david tennant and catherine tate had SO MUCH FUN during that episode istg i love them so much

the sexuest person is indeed a head. apparently he was supposed to be in a certain story arc & he'd have his head chopped off and that's why he's a head but they couldn't get him. so now we just simply have to assume that he got into a beheading predicament at some point

the Meep's pronoun is the definite article. easy mistake to make. the Meep is always "the Meep". friend shaped because evil subterfuge :,[

.....uh........ idk asmi idk lmao

WAIT OH MY GOD IT'S CASSANDRA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT CASSANDRA I'M GOING TO EXPLODE THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNYYYYYY

*strolls into tumblr and falls on my face pretending I haven't been missing for like a month I was out getting the milk hello maggots*

Doctor Who But I've Never Watched It 2.0

For those of you feeling deja vu YES I HAVE MADE POSTS ON DOCTOR WHO BEFORE OKAY but back then I was a young uneducated lad, just a fresh blossom unfucked by tumblr. Now I am surrounded by you lot and by god do y'all love Doctor Who. And I am Educated. My DW virginity is deflowered. All that.

SO HERE WE GO, EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SHOW I'VE NEVER WATCHED:

The show started in 1963, and then was rebooted in 2005 and the showrunner was... Robert de Neiro? Idk all I know is he gives Pedro Pascal vibes. Like his name. His name is Robert.

There have been 15 Doctors so far. One is a lesbian and it is not Jodie Whittaker, it is actually the 12th doctor.

There's someone called the Master. I don't know what that means, or if it's some kind of BDSM thing, but he has intense sexual tension with the Doctor.

He's also emo and has bleached hair and is kinda babygirl. And is called Missy.

The Doctors all have intense trauma and the 15th Doctor kind of girlbossed it by leaving David Tennant intact when they binary-fissioned.

Donna is a person played by Catherine... Tate? Not Hepburn. And she knows less about Doctor Who than I do. And Donna is in a QPR with the David Doctors (there are two of them).

David Doctor loves Donna very much. And then he kills her. But doesn't kill her. And then they have dinner together with her husband and kid.

The original show had shitty effects. The new show does too, and everyone is happy about this.

Rose is someone the David Doctor is in love with and then she ends up with a human AU of him and he leaves and the fans are very divided and passionate about this.

The human AU is called Tentoo because y'all hate using W's. What the fuck is Tentoo. What is Nuwho. Why isn't it New and Two. Help me.

THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED THE TARDIS, IT IS BIGGER ON THE INSIDE, I HAVE HAD WEIRD DREAMS WHERE IT WAS A FUCKING AUTO-RICKSHAW WITH RIBBONS FOR SEATBELTS, AND IT IS BLUE AND NOT YELLOW BUT IT WAS YELLOW IN MY DREAM. Because of a Drarry fanfic that I misread.

The 15th doctor dances homoerotically with someone during the French Revolution.

The 9th doctor kinda vibes with like his head jiggling idk I've only seen one gif of him.

The 13th doctor keeps forgetting she's in a woman's body.

It is all very gay.

David Tennant's arms are too long.

The sexiest person is a head.

The Meep's pronouns are Meep. Meep is not friend. IF NOT FRIEND THEN WHY FRIEND SHAPED??????

A buttcheek skin talks or something yeah this is all I got.

have at it y'all @robinprinceofchaos @multidimensional-trashcan @wispedvellichor @queermarzipan thanks for the second hand brainrot

*sneaks away under the cover of night* i was never here

[shiningmystic]

Hello, how are you? I would like to request a free reading for the question:

What energies are coming towards me right now?

Thank you so much and take care! - gsp

Hello my love I’m getting you are in a tough situation atm or have been seeing repeating patterns of situation over a certain person/situation and trying to find your way out of it. You also maybe trying to to avoid whatever this is from happening again (I’m getting a lot of mixed energies so forgive my on how vague I am 😂 maybe that’s how your feeling)

There is a sense of planning ahead and liberation, independence being taken back and not repeating old patterns. I see the energy that’s coming into your life is growth of security either that be physical (finances, work) or in relationships with the world and self. I see you breaking free from your the knowledge you have accumulated but I also see harsh judgment energy towards either yourself or others. You honestly got this in the bag and don’t have to worry on avoiding it; sometimes life if trying to work with us and maybe it’s time your pushed into action towards your objectives or freedoms and that could feel terrible. Nobody likes there life shaken up even if it’s beneficial in the end.

Your being asked to break free of misconceptions and intense judgements from people or yourself and to understand your in power and do not have to shoot yourself in the foot when life does.

Sometimes bad things happen and we take that arrow to the heart and funnily enough continue the pain and shoot a second arrow right into our own selves without realizing it. Accepting pain does not mean you are ok with it and you have to pretend it doesn’t hurt, accepting pain is knowing it was out of your hands and now you can move forward without internalizing every bad thing that may occur. Cry it out, scream it out but never internalize it and put yourself through more pain.

Your spirit is growing and your spirit guides see you progressing in wonderful ways and in new directions. Awareness energy is also coming in so expect realizations and epiphanies. You will see the patterns and have a choice when they come along but don’t be to hard on yourself because it takes time to not repeat what we have always done. You have already put in so much work don’t think it’s gone to waste because something you have done is repeated or you don’t know what to do; it’s just life doing life things and you don’t need to let it make you feel like it’s your fault.

Learning is failing, life is full of bad so we can also experience the good. Opposites need to have the other to exist in the same space so expect the waters to become more clear and choose a path then, life shouldn’t be taken as seriously as we all make it to be. We hurt ourselves more with that pressure. Treat yourself kindly if you can today friend! If not then tomorrow!

I hope this advice and guidance applies to you, let me know what you think, I send you love energy my friend! ❤️

[dancingbabya-notes]

Do you love me?

<-•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•->

Sometimes you’re just in your feelings and you feel a little unloved… actually it’s pretty bad. How does your boyfriend react when you ask?

(Welp here we go, I got an idea and I couldn’t get it out of my head no matter what so I just made it. I feel like this one needs a bit of a TW because it deals with feelings and I might not have grasped them right. Also I don’t know how they progressively got longer)

<-•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•->

Midoriya

You had been lackadaisical for at least a week, had it not been for your regenerative quirk you would have been seriously injured. But it was your fault. Or at least you think so. Finally fed up with avoiding your boyfriend, you take your blanket and crawl into his hold while he’s reading a book one day after class.

Usually he’d be training, but it was highly recommended he rest properly. He didn’t stop reading Midoriya simply adjusted his hold on the book and started patting your back as you lay on his chest. You weren’t sure how long you were there before he finally spoke.

“How are you feeling, cookie?”

Looking up at him you toyed with the words in your head a bit before finally speaking. “Do you love me?”

Midoriya looked hurt. “Of course I do. What made you think otherwise?”

Frowning you wrap your arms around him. “Everything. I don’t know, I just need to hear you say it.”

Bakugo

Granted you always felt a little sad, your only solace was your brother, and your boyfriend. Though they did disagree on the whole dating thing because of something like your don’t date your best friend’s siblings, even if they’re adopted. That wasn’t what got you down. What got you down was probably just the situation.

“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be helping?”

“I only if I can help otherwise I might accidentally kill someone,” you laugh hollowly.

“That’s not something to joke about, freak.”

It didn’t usually bother you. So you tried to seek out some comfort. Class A was used to seeing you walk in and either go to Ejiro or to Bakugo. Meaning no one batted an eye when you curled into Bakugo’s arm. He didn’t either, you honestly could tell if he cared.

“Do you love me?” You mumble for him to hear and he turns to you.

“The hell do you think?”

Okay. You had to admit you didn’t know what to think. Gathering a bit of water from the room you splashed it in his face before getting up.

“Oh I dunno? A clear fucking answer. I can’t read your mind Bakugo!” Your frustration and sadness was welling up. “I should never have come here.”

Storming out of the dorm, Eijiro groans. “Really? Bakubro, I know telling people how you feel isn’t your strong suit. But I’m sure they’re in their feelings since the anniversary is soon.”

Bakugo smacked himself. Of course he messed up somehow. Eventually he managed to get you to answer your phone, then shortly after talk to him away from the prying eyes of the extras where he berated you for asking such a stupid question. He cared about you, he just shoes it differently than you.

Kirishima

Let’s be honest the moment you started feeling down and even considered trying to deal with the feelings alone, Kirishima knew. He knew something was wrong and that you needed something, he didn’t know what it was but he would do anything if you asked.

So when you popped into his room while he was doing homework he put all his attention on you. Like a child you held your arms out for him and he picked you up and held you in his lap. Choosing to sit on the bed since the moment both your weight was on the chair it’d probably result in injury.

Cuddling into his hold you sniffle. “Do you love me Eijiro?”

His heart broke, because just from the sound of your voice you’d been crying before coming to him. He lifts up your face to look at him.

“Of course I do, and I’m going to tell you over,” he kisses your cheek. “And over.” The other cheek. “And over.” Your forehead. “And over again until you stop feeling like this.”

A small chuckle comes out. “Okay.”

Kaminari

You weren’t exactly the overly affectionate type especially when it came to your boyfriend. But right now you felt like you should be, and that was what tipped you off that something was wrong. 

“I don’t think-

“It’s fine, I didn’t tighten it too much.” You huff.

“But-

“I said it’s fine!” A puff of smoke blew from your teeth as you tried to reel in your quirk.

“Y/N, that’s enough. You’re being a bigger danger to others than Mei. Go back to the dorms and cool off,” power loader scolds.

Taking your bag you left reluctantly. Who just happened to be walking by? Kaminari. Trying to abscond you couldn’t avoid him.

“Hey baby.” His arm wrapped around your waist and you couldn’t even think to push him away.

Maybe you’re just tired. “Hello love.”

“How have you been lately? I haven’t seen much of you.” He smiles. “I mean I don’t spend to much time with you usually but-

“I-

You look at your boyfriend and decide now is a better time to ask. “Denki, do you love me?”

He froze. It was like his brain was on dialup and someone just picked up the landline. Waving your hand in his face you try to see if the aliens will give your boyfriend back.

“Look you don’t have to answer, I’ve just been feeling a little low lately. Usually I try to solve shit like this on my own but since you’re also involved and I care what you think about me or how you feel about me I jus-

He covers your mouth and hugs you. “Is that even a question? Do I love you?” Kaminari sighs. “Baby I’m in love with you. Now if you’re feeling unloved let me know what I can do to make you feel all my love.”

You laugh a bit pushing him off. “Okay lover boy. We still have things to do.”

You both walked together for a bit before saying,

“Thanks.”

Todoroki

Todoroki wasn’t an expert on other’s feelings. His usual solution to complicated feelings was to eat soba or use his quirks until he got tired. So when he saw you with your wings practically dragging behind you, he didn’t need to understand feelings that much to know. You weren’t feeling well.

Not to mention being in different areas made it a lot harder to talk often. What was getting you down though? Stress. Probably older sibling problems. That didn’t help because you were also a younger sibling. But that’s what happens when you’re one of twelve.

The last straw for Todoroki was probably when you, someone with the ability to fly, fell. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Like a mentos in a soda bottle you shot off. Explaining to Todoroki your recent fears and feelings as of late with all the news not to mention the dangers of his job versus yours.

“Do you love me?” You finally finished off feeling practically empty.

“Yes.”

Todoroki takes your hand in his. “I do love you, just like how you told me you loved me.”

“I doubt taking someone’s pain away and telling them you love them is the same as this. But thank you, Shoto.”

Mirio

Everyone could feel your emotions. Despite your best efforts you weren’t exactly skilled at not using your emotions to control your quirk. At least you knew it worked in the opposite direction. It wasn’t uncommon for you to feel sad, or down but it was usually other people’s emotions and you’d probably get over it later.

But for some reason since it was your own feelings it was much, much worse. It didn’t help that you fought with your dad too.

Dropping your support items you glare. “I never asked to be trained to shoot. You did that all on your own.”

“Y/n, don’t you start with-

“I wish you’d never adopted us! Maybe at least I’d have a reason to feel angry or upset.” You took off returning to your room.

Entering through your balcony you left your shoes outside. You wanted to huddle in your room and possibly cry if that was the type of feeling you were feeling. But a knock at the door broke that train of thought.

“Birdy, is everything okay? You don’t usually make others feel angry or upset,” hearing your boyfriend on the other side of the door you stand up.

If you don’t let him in he’ll invite himself in.

“No.”

Mirio didn’t need much past you weren’t feeling well. “Do you want a hug, or do you want me to help you forget whatever it is?”

“A hug.”

He was big so that meant his hugs were extra comforting. You had to keep yourself from crying too loudly as you held onto him. Trails of incoherent babbling string from your mouth but he could pick up on one. “Do you even love me?”

He frowned at this. “Birdy, first I want you to look at me.”

“Hmm?”

“Do not ever doubt my love for you. If I don’t love you then I’d let you know and do my best to make the break up easy. But I can say without a doubt that I love you.”

This started you crying again. “But how could you love someone like me? related to a criminal. My quirk is…”

“Stop that. Now what did I just say?” Mirio asks.

“That you love me.”

“Good. Let’s go, when was the last time you ate?” He grabs your hand pulling you back into the hall.

Amajiki

Amajiki was always nervous about how you ended up with him. So when you weren’t feeling your best it was a little more obvious to him.

“Y/n.”

You were used to the feeling of needles going into thread to pull it back up again.

“Y/n.”

So why didn’t it feel right?

“For fucks sake. Yagi y/n!”

Confused, you look down seeing that the thread has finished. “Oops.”

Your classmates sigh. “Get out. I don’t know what’s wrong with you today but go figure it out away from all the sharp things.”

You had to admit, your bleeding hand was a compelling argument. “Right.”

Why were you feeling like this? Maybe it was how quickly people turned on your dad, the world loved him and got upset with him when he couldn’t save them. As his child the same thing could happen to you, maybe you wouldn’t feel like this if your big brother wasn’t working to help outside.

Frowning you curl into your bed, hugging the stuffed animals you kept for comfort. “I shouldn’t bother him, he's probably training.”

Holding your phone in your hand you tried to tell yourself it’s a bad idea but the phone rang. Picking it up you answered reluctantly.

“Hey? What’s up?” Forcing your voice to be happy wasn’t working.

“What’s wrong, lovely?”

Pouting you bury your face in your stuffed animals. Your voice was muffled as you spoke.

“I can’t hear-

Lifting your face you finally say. “Do you love me? Would you love me if I couldn’t use my quirk anymore? Would you leave without telling me anything? Wo-

“Lovely.”

“I’m sorry.” You mumble.

“Whatever you’re feeling I feel that all the time. What if you don’t love me, what if your feelings change. But you’re always right there telling me how much you love me.” Amajiki took a moment to breathe. “I love you and if you need anything let me know.”

<-•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•->

You might like "I love someone else" if you liked this or you can find more things on my Masterlist

[harcove]

i think we need some more of billy being a simp for the reader. like he’s still a dick to everyone else but when it comes to the reader he’s a sweet blushy simp mess and everyone is just 👁👄👁🧍”huh?”

a/n: fr this might be my worst fic yet but i- i... oh well, i hope its okay ily anon forgive me pls i promise i tried- but i also was tired for part of it (i like to sit in my bed while half asleep and write at like 4 am sometimes) but here you go! I also kept it maybe slightly lowkey? Cause I do think Billy would be sweeter more so in private; but he can pull the charm and sweetness out in public too yk.

Length: 1.5k

Pairing: Billy x reader

Warnings: none really; slight mention of maybe apathy towards life on Billy's end, fluff if that's a warning lmao, OOC Billy probably? also Jason Carver ew

Oh, he's a Simp - B.H.

The majority of Hawkins High school population believed they had a good read of Billy Hargrove's character. He was the same with everyone; tough and a bit of a jerk- no sometimes just a straight-up asshole. Be it the tone of his voice, the way he wouldn't take people seriously, or the mischievous lit in his voice when he spoke to someone sometimes, Billy Hargrove was bad. And pretty much anyone around him who befriended him were like sheep; craving someone to follow.

But then there was you.

You were the object of his desires. The one who had taken up most of his thoughts- the good ones- and made him into some weirdly shapeable putty.

Not that shapeable though; no one could truly dictate Billy Hargrove. He wouldn't let them.

Billy leaned against the school steps railings; Tommy H and Carol stood near him with Jason Carver. All people that Billy could've really cared less about. He made 'friends' with them, but not really. When it came down to it, they just followed. And it felt nice to have that sort of power, the type where if he so much as gave Tommy a certain look, the freckled bully would heel like a dog and wait.

Stupid. He hated them.

Especially Jason Carver. And he knew that too.

The only meaningful bond he'd made since coming to Hawkins was you. So, when he saw you exit the school he visibly perked up, akin to a puppy seeing his family after they'd been out all day.

It was a bizarre sight for anyone to see. Billy Hargrove, looking at someone with such clear difference to how he looked at anyone else.

"Hey," Billy calls out to you, making you whip your head to look at him leaning on the railings.

He sounds like he usually does. Indifferent. Indifferent to people around him, to what they wanted or thought. He didn't care for them and they cared for him but only in the way of popularity. If Billy Hargrove were to die tomorrow, the only loss for these people would be someone to follow. No one would mourn him.

Maybe you would. If he did die, he hoped at least you'd mourn him.

You pivot to walk towards him, a smile dawning on your features. One that makes him almost smile in return. To everyone else, it looks like maybe his face twitched a bit, maybe a reaction to the sun or a thought he'd had. But his eyes are soft.

When you reach him, your messenger bag strap clutched in your hands, you give him a questioning look, but still smiling. Choosing to ignore the friends Billy kept around him; they'd never been nice people. And you avoided them as best you could. But you didn't avoid Billy even when he was with them.

Billy Hargrove was special. He was rough around the edges; someone who could be cruel and harsh- he could make people cower but also swoon.

He didn't scare you. He had yet to ever do a thing to you that suggested you should be scared. He had intimidated you before, how could he not? The way Billy carried himself demanded that he be respected, that he was a possible force to be reckoned with. Sometimes he still intimidated you, specifically when he was surrounded by his 'friends.'

"You need a ride home doll?"

He pulls his arm out from behind him and pulls you over to the railings, arm around your shoulder and neck almost engulfing you with his large leather jacket-clad arm.

His body was warm against yours as he held you close to his side. It was like you were made to fit in that spot.

Billy gave you special attention and affection he didn't dare offer to anyone else in the entire world. It felt nice, to have someone like Billy be this way with you.

Your relationship was a mystery to everyone around you, and even to yourself if you were being completely honest.

You weren't dating per se; you'd never spoken about being a couple and whatnot, and you weren't sure if you'd been on an actual date with him before. Did the times he took you to the diner after school count? Or the times he would sit in his car during the lunch period while you sat outside eating a sandwich count? No. No, you were pretty sure they didn't. 

Whatever your relationship was with him as of right now was something that lingered in limbo; it teetered between the unknown and something very obvious and clear-cut.

Billy was always one to make it known where he stood with people. Be it with words, or with his actions (aggressive or not, depending.)

Yet with you, he found himself keeping the status of your relationship covered in shadow. It was safe. Not defining it because defining it was committing.

And commitment was scary. He wouldn't admit it aloud, but he didn't know how to handle something like that. No one had ever been committed to him, so he was never committed to anyone.

He knew how he felt for you, and it was something he had never felt for anyone before. He had been in relationships before, Billy Hargrove was no stranger to relationships and being with someone else in an intimate manner. However, what he felt for you was something more than a lust that he could deal with in a night.

Was it love? He didn't know. He just knew that you were different. And he was different with you.

"It's okay," you respond to his offer, looking at him through your lashes, his cologne invading your senses when you turned your head to look up at him, "I actually was going to be staying after school to work on a project in the library... I just needed to use the payphone to call home and let my family know."

The library and Billy Hargrove didn't mix. But you and him, they mixed. They mixed well.

Carol and Tommy shared a look at the way Billy was interacting with you.

It was as if no one else existed around him when you had walked out the school doors. It was as if the bad mood he had been in (Tommy couldn't figure out why, but it was mainly Jason's fault, that's all he knew- anytime he'd try to broach the topic, Billy's claws threatened to peak out) had dissipated, or at least it had simmered at the sight of you. And his shoulder muscles seemed to ease a fraction, and his face, while it still looked indifferent, had warmed if only slightly.

It was small. But it was obvious to them. And everyone else.

"I'll stick around with you," he said after he took a deep breath in, getting ready to push himself off of his position against the railing, "can't have you sitting like a loser in the library on your own. Or trying to walk home in the dark."

"My dad could come get me you know," you roll your eyes but secretly you're happy, happy that he wants to stay with you. The library was boring, and albeit Billy wouldn't dare step foot inside the library on any occasion whatsoever, you made it different.

Bearable even.

He also knew he could convince you to leave within the first hour of being there. So it wasn't all bad.

"Scared of driving with me?"

"Sure," you jokingly say, pulling away slowly, "one day when you crash that pretty car cause you're driving way too fast it won't be funny anymore."

"Yeah, 'cause that's gonna happen."

It could, it was just a matter of if he cared if it did or not. That car was precious, the person inside? He wasn't so sure.

"Fine, you can stay," you were glad he was staying, you enjoyed being near this man, "but you can't talk or distract me."

"Never."

"Seriously Hargrove?" Jason Carver opens his big mouth. One that Billy could slap if he so desired, "You're going to the library, with this..."

"Go ahead," Billy had immediately changed in demeanor, fully pulling himself away from you and situating himself a foot in front of you as if he were protecting a baby doe, "finish the sentence shithead."

For everything, Jason wasn't someone who could even fight back against Billy, just like everyone else. Unless he really wanted to have a bloody nose, he would keep his mouth shut.

"...Whatever."

Tommy and Carol, for all their stupidity at times or rude comments and bullying of others, at least knew in those moments to be quiet. As weird as it was to see Billy so easily enraptured by someone, it had been this way since he met you. And nothing would change it.

"I'll see you in the library babe," how can he just call you that so casually; it makes your stomach flutter.

"Okay," you linger for a moment as if something else might happen. But it doesn't, and that's okay.

Because right now, your relationship is still trying to find its ground. It's still trying to see where it stands, and Billy Hargrove is still trying to figure it out himself.

All he knows is that he's a fool for you, and he doesn't hate that. He doesn't hate it at all.