#it’s never hard but I feel bad everytime
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A list of things that bother me about Dragon Age: The Veilguard Part 2
I already touched on a few things that caught my attention and personally irked me about the game. After getting through some more of it naturally a few more points have come up. Though I think they are not really new aspects but more concrete examples of what I had touched on last time.
Without further ado, let's get into it.
!Spoilers below the cut!
The dialogue is repetetive and at times contradictory
Like I already discussed last time the dialogue is bad, to express it in the simplest of terms. As I progressed through the game I stumbled upon a glaring example for what I mean.
In the questline where you infiltrate a Venatori meeting there is a part where Neve in disguise and in company of Rook and another companion gets a Venatori to admit that Elgar'nan was present but not Ghilan'nain. For some inexplicable reason Neve turns around and repeats this twice as if Rook wasn't present.
But moving on.
I stated in my last post that the game feels the need to state the obvious. This is what I mean. It makes the dialogue feel like a rough draft that was incorporated into the game without further polish.
As of its contradictory nature two examples come to mind.
In Harding's companion quest you meet this dwarf of Kal Sharok. His dialogue is stoic, no bullshit straight to the point and passionless. Which was fine. But after several minutes of him being that way they get to stone statue Valta who speaks in these misteryous riddles and suddenly he switches to this unserious tone of "Oh that weird statue, we never know what she's saying, ain't she funny." (I'm paraphrasing here). I was confused for half a minute because of his sudden change in attitude and left wondering what his characterization is supposed to be now: serious or quirky?
Same thing with Taash's whole story. This is especially upsetting because I feel like they could have done such great work with it.
Instead it suffers so much from several inconsistencies that I felt sorry for the VA because they actually did a great acting job.
Taash has a coming out scene with their mother where they reveal they're non-binary. Ignoring the usage of modern terms in a medieval-ish setting, the conflict about their gender makes no sense.
The writing wants you to believe Shathann is not okay with her child being non-binary but she never actually expresses such a thing. Actually Shathann sort of had an inkling that Taash was no ordinary woman ("Behaves more like a man...") and she never passed any negative judgement on it. When Taash told her this she even tried to understand by categorizing their identity into qunari vocabulary she knew (remember the term aqun-athlok?).
I get how hard it is to have an overly critical mother and the feeling of not being good enough but that was not what Shathann was about in that scene and it did Taash so dirty because they looked more like an entitled teenager than someone suffering from trauma and perfectionism.
Some old characters are mischaracterized
It's Scout Harding. I mean Harding.
I was really excited to have her as a companion in the new installment but they sort of butchered her character that I found myself annoyed everytime she opened her mouth.
And this is because they make her sound so immature. Really think about it. DATV somehow makes Scout Harding sound younger and more childish than she was in DAI despite the fact that she is supposed to be a whole decade older in DATV than in DAI.
I don't know what direction her VA recieved while recording but everything was pronounced so slowly and extra clear that it seemed at times that Harding was either talking to a confused elderly person or a child.
She herself uses expressions not fit for her age. The most jarring moment was when she called the Blight in D'meta's Crossing 'weird' and sounded like a teenager who has stumbled upon furry art for the first time on deviantArt. This pattern pretty much continues throughout the game. And it hurts so much.
Also Morrigan. She at least still uses her even for DA setting standards antiquated vocabulary but she is too happy and cheery and friendly.
Morrigan is not a nice person to those she does not know and like personally. But to Rook she was so nice despite having met them for the first time.
The Morrigan we have come to know love/hate should have been more snarky or at least more neutral in her demeanor.
The Venatori
I don't know why they are still a thing honestly. I was under the impression they have lost all footing after the death of Corypheus. Why would they follow the Gods of the people their country systemically abuses anyway?
Bonus: Why would the Antaam for that matter, as the qunari are so notoriously arcanophobic that they leash their mages, sew their mouths shut and literally call them "dangerous thing"?
Solas' spy network and agents
What happened to them? Where are they? Shouldn't he have a small army? Why weren't they used as the gods' agents instead of the Venatori? Surely, Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain would have an easier time simply controlling Fen'Harels elven army after imprisoning him in the fade.
The Chantry
It is just not present. Sure there are some Chantry buildings but there is no discussion of faith. In all previous DA games the Chantry has had a constant influence that could be felt everywhere. Faith was discussed and explored from various angles and perspectives, ranging from ultra conservative to progressive. But in Veilguard it's not there.
Why are we not exploring the Tevinter Chantry more? Why doesn't Emmrich discuss the nevarran Chantry, who follows the Sunburst Throne in Orlais, in regards to the Mournwatch, their necromancy practices and magic? Why was he not affected by the mage uprising that started in Kirkwall? How does he deal with faith and the Chantry? It is simply never mentioned.
By all accounts, this game avoids delving into the world like the plague.
#long post#bioware critical#dragon age critical#dragon age#dragon age inquisition#dragon age 2#dragon age origins#dragon age the veilguard#da:tv#da:tv spoilers#emmrich volkarin#scout harding#morrigan#solas#elgar'nan#ghilan'nain#taash#shathann#neve gallus
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There’s something wrong with Jason.
Early autumn of Cass’s first full year as Bruce Wayne’s daughter. Trees droop, browned and unbearably brittle, onto the cracked sidewalks. Children skip and slouch and trudge their way back into classrooms for another dull year of learning. The exception is Cass, happily at home with Barbara and Bruce, Tim and Steph and Dick and all the new members of her new family. None of them know quite how old Cass is, and resolutely refuse to have anything to do with Lady Shiva or David Cain, the only people who could tell them. But Barbara went to bat for Cass, arguing that the American education system was not beneficial for all American children, much less Cass, who was still adjusting, as Barbara put it. Learning to come out of her shell. So there’ll be no school for Cass this autumn or any autumn. Only apple cider and hot cocoa, safely tucked away by the fifth fake fireplace of Wayne Manor, curling up in window frames just to listen to the psithurism before the rain, and a flood of scarves and mittens and boots as every member of her family tries to prepare her for the incoming Gotham winter.
Personally, Cass doesn’t get why introverts are always encouraged to become more extroverted. She thinks extroverts should be told to shut the hell up more often. Perhaps it is an American thing, she muses, but then, she loves her new family for their relentless positivity and inability to shut the hell up. From Steph, who drags her on girl’s night after girl’s night with Barbara, Harley, and all the other crazy girls of Gotham who want to paint their toenails neon purple with little stars and crack skulls open just to feel something. (Whenever Harley robs a department store she always sends Cass a dress she thinks she’ll like in the mail. Bruce always gives her a look, sends it back, then buys ten variations of the same dress). To Tim, who is hard at work learning ASL so they can communicate better and shares all of his embarrassing interests with her. Niche anime, questionable manga, decrepit video games, card games, board games, and a stash of Batman and Robin photos he swears her to secrecy over. To Dick, who remains upbeat and cheerful in the face of all her silences and stony stares. He always makes time to take her (and usually some of his other little siblings) to a pizza parlor, or an ice cream parlor, or an abandoned parking lot perfect for doing donuts. Dick Grayson is a busy man who gained most of his current family after turning eighteen and losing most of them beforehand. Yet his heart opens, bottomless and sincere, for every new orphan that shows up on Bruce’s doorstep. When he drops by Cass’s ballet studio, exhaustion crinkling in every forehead line and eye wrinkle, how can she not love him back?
So she takes it personally when Jason continues to avoid them. Perhaps she could ignore it if it was clear that he wanted nothing to do with them, no matter how much the others missed him. But everytime they run into Jason it is clear to Cass that he misses them fiercely. She may not be an expert on the standard personality and behavioral ticks of Jason Todd, but she is an expert on body language, and everything about Jason screams bad, wrong, liar, liar, LIAR–
Cass goes to Barbara.
These days Barbara spend the vast majority of her time in the Clocktower. Ever since the Joker, Cass has been told, and hung up the Batgirl cape. She rotates between the library and the tower, retreating from regular life while her law degree collects dust. And even though Dick gets sad whenever he see her, and Barbara feels guilty and helplessly furious, he never says anything. The two of them dance around in silent conversations–I love you, I know, I’m sorry–that start all over again the next time they see each other. As if Cass can’t tell.
“Cass! So good to see you.” Barbara smiles and wheels herself over to the window when Cass drops in unannounced. She’s in pain.
Cass is not a vigilante but she was trained to kill them. When she takes to the rooftops of Gotham, she wears a nondescript black mask. She shucks this mask off now so that Barbara can see her face and plods over to her dearest friend and surrogate mother. Steph tells her the term is “mom friend” and not to get weird about it, but Cass believes she’s well beyond the point of being considered weird.
“Jason,” Cass announces.
She leans down awkwardly to hug Barbara, so she misses everything that is said in response. By the time she straightens, Barbara’s face worries, deep emotional lines of someone whose loved ones spend 80% of their time in mortal peril, and her body twitches backwards, itching for the long row of computers and tech equipment on the far wall. Barbara is concerned about Jason, but she believes the trouble lies in whatever Jason’s doing right now. That she’ll know what to do with just a little cyberstalking. But Cass’s concern is more long-term than that.
“Is there something wrong with Jason?” Barbara’s cadence indicates that this is not the first time she’s spoken. Oops. Cass missed her out-loud words because she was so busy paying attention to what Barbara was actually saying.
Cass points at the computers. She doesn’t know how to explain it with words.
Barbara takes the hint and wheels back over to her computer lab, where she pulls up all the surveillance footage she can of Jason’s usual haunts until she finds him disappearing up the fire escape of an old brick apartment building in the very edge of Burnley. Any further south and he’ll be in Gotham’s Upper East Side, and Jason can’t stand that neighborhood.
As Robin, Jason had to be bullied into the Diamond District and the Upper West Side, but Bruce dragged him into Chinatown to practice his Cantonese and Jason went to Old Gotham willingly for the vibe. A lot of gargoyles, Cass has been told. Worn bricks, gothic spires, flying buttresses, and properly intimidating gargoyles for brooding. There is so much that Cass knows about Jason from other people. The reverse cannot be said, because Jason doesn’t really talk to them anymore.
Barbara boots up a drone from the Bat-hideout closest to Jason’s apartment and flies it over. It’s a lovely little three-room apartment on the third floor of an old brick apartment building. One bedroom and one bathroom, which Barbara does not attempt to enter, and a kitchen/living room area. All the furniture in the living room looks new. A comfy armchair, two bookcases overflowing with newly-purchased novels, shiny new wood cabinets and a marble finish to the kitchen island. Three wooden stools, two of them as sturdy as the day they were bought.
Remotely, she and Cass peer through the window as Jason makes his guns disappear before he reaches his kitchen island. Stripped down to a form-fitting black shirt and brown pants, Jason washes his hands, preheats the oven, and sets about making lemon and herb salmon.
“This looks pretty normal to me,” says Barbara.
Jason slides into one of the wooden stools around his marble kitchen island counter. He drums his fingers on the marble. He checks the time on his phone. The salmon, now covered in garlic, thyme, and rosemary and such, is still baking in the oven.
“He’s just making himself dinner,” Barbara observes. She won’t call Cass a liar, but this isn’t worthy of the label “trouble.”
She doesn’t see it. Cass is at a loss. If Barbara cannot see what is in front of her eyes, how can Cass possibly explain it?
“Look,” Cass insists.
After checking the time on his phone again, Jason gets up and paces. At over six feet tall, he makes his cozy apartment seems small. He picks a book out of his shelf, seemingly at random. He examines the cover. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. He puts the book back and resumes pacing the perimeter of his small home.
Barbara sighs. “I don’t understand.”
She wants Cass to be able to just spit it out, but won’t say so because she knows Cass cannot. They’ve reached a stalemate.
Here is what Cass cannot articulate: Jason Todd is lonely. Loneliness is built into Jason’s bones. It gathers in his bed at night like a soldier returning from war. It lashes at the confines of his self-imposed cage. When the loneliness threatens to break him, it explodes in the form of rage at anyone who dares to be near him. Ah, but what a liar that rage makes of him. Claiming he loves nothing and no one when all Jason has ever done is love. Raging against the state of his beloved city, fury at the father he will not forgive, and hate–blackened love–for those he once called family. A cruel, self-perpetuated cycle. The lonely drives him to rage which in self-delusion to hide his shame he lies about until everyone learns to stay away. Thus creating more loneliness for Jason to feast in until he inevitably withers away from eating nothing but emptiness.
And Cass fears she is the only one who sees it. But Jason is a fool for thinking no one else understands. Is Cass not the unwanted daughter of a world-class assassin and the wanted weapon of a monster? Her first months in Gotham she did nothing but drive people away because she didn’t know any better. The only reason she has good people around her now is because there is something so irrefutably good about the Bats. Barbara never withdrew her hand even when Cass bit her literally and metaphorically. Bruce took her in without a second thought for her background. Tim tries his hardest to be a good brother to her even when he’s hurting. Steph and Dick didn’t blink twice at the half-feral, non-verbal, former assassin addition to their family. They bring their good cheer out for Cass even when she can tell it’s fake, and she can always tell.
So why does Jason, who is hurting and so lonely that it hurts Cass to look at him, insist on pushing them away?
#cassandra cain#barbara gordon#jason todd#my fanfiction#drabble#antebunny's ficlets#my writing#batfam
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While ‘kicking the rabbit’ sounds like an old expression, when you have a two pound fur potato with no sense of self preservation it’s quite genuine
#idk why he has to be on my feet lately#all black rabbit in a dark room launching himself at your toes#it’s never hard but I feel bad everytime#I do not mean to him like the football#miette#bunny chaos#bunny#free roam rabbit#rabbit#pet bunny
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#tried rlly hard to shade this like skin blender idk but gave up and just half toned it#my shading is shit and I can’t draw astarion for shit#man i hate realism#why do i keep trying to do it#anyways i hate the way this came out but i feel bad for not posting today#my art#art#digital art#sketch#astarion#astarion bg3#bg3 astarion#bg3#baldur’s gate 3#bg3 fanart#bg3 art#baldur’s gate iii#concept art#i should stop comparing my art to other’s bcs everytime i try to change my artstyle and force myself to draw in a new style i fail and die#the way i pick up art styles is just fun experimentation and somehow never made by studying other people’s artstyle#im not ready for my holiday to end but at the same time i feel like most of my bad thoughts are generated by too much free time#so mayhaps losing my free will for like 12 hours a weekday will fix my sads so uhhh#idk man#nobody reads these tags so i can say whatever i want#if you’re reading this uhhh#sorry you had to read me vent in an shitty astarion doodle post
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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🕯️
#how to keep hopeful when you feel like God's not going to give you the one thing youre hoping for#how to keep from being angry at God because you just don't see movement in your life in this one area#yet when you pray for God's will#He assures you you're where He wants you#I have never wanted this thing before and now that I'm older I find myself longing for it#It's hard to listen to my parents when their only answer to everything is “pray about it” as if I havent been doing so for years#It's hard to take their whole “be patient” speech seriously when my mom married at 21#My dad only slightly understands but I feel like its different at the same time#I was perfectly fine in church until the Pastor told a story about a married couple and the whole church was laughing while I nearly cried#I am the only single lady in my church on top of the only single person in my age group#I'm not even sure why God gave me this desire for marriage and a family#I feel like “God why would you give me this burning desire to have a family and marriage that glorifies and honors you if you weren't going#to give me said thing?“#I'm asking God to help me enjoy being single but at the same time I feel myself starting to grow bitter and thats something I dont want.#I know not everyone is called to be married and thats what's got me messed up and angry because if I'm not called to marriage#why did He give me the desire for it? I feel like that's just cruel and I know God isn't mean or cruel#also sorry Narni for stealing the way you rant lol#I feel bad everytime I post a rant and using tags seems to work better so I don't feel so bad
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starting to think this website is bad for my mental health.....
#⚠️#personal#everytime i come on here and read a post thats discourse its like entering a boss battle against my ocd#like fuck! not again!!#i dont know the answer and my brains yelling at me if i dont reblog fast enough im a bad person and i cant scroll by either causr thatll#make me a bad person whos ignoring what seems to be an obvious problem and now im FUCKED!!!#yeah maybe i could just unfollow discourse people but theyre half the people i follow and also some of my mutuals and like#its not like i dont care about issues its just hard to engage with anything on here when my own mind keeps yelling at me im a horrible#person for not reblogging whatever new queer discourse post has appeared on my dash#its exhausting!#i wish spaces online were more ocd friendly! but they never will be! cause social media thrives off reactionary aggressive shit like#''reblog this or youre a TERRIBLE PERSON'' and even when the op isnt saying that and is like calmly explaining things or at least from what#i can gather from their tone over the internet which is hard to judge that voice is still in my head like people on here will label you a#shitty person for not reblogging certain posts and that scares me and my ocd so bad!#i do care its just hard to want to engage with anything when everyones so angry all the time#yeah people can be justified in that anger but still for people like me who struggle with moral ocd its hard#ive been considering jsut not reblogging discourse but i want to show solidarity with people this discourse is about#i want to show i care cause i do its just hard like#i feel like half the shit i reblog on here is a compulsion#yeah maybe i should spend less time on here but even when im trying to do that i still scroll on my dash for maybe like 5 minutes and ive#already been hit with like 20 different discourse posts#i jsut came on here for gotham fan content idk man
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tw stupid vent in tags
#tw self harm#tw vent#“being a teenager is the best!” I CUT MYSELF ALMST EVERYDAY.#IVE SCARRED MYSELF SO BAD ILL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO WEAR SHORT SLEEVES NO MTTER HOW LONG IT SBENE SINCE IT HAPPENED#I ONYL SPEAK TO LIKE ONE OR TWO PEOPLE IRL I AM DETERIORATING#I ALREADY HAVE A FUCKING SCAR SO BIG U CAN FEEL WHERE IT GETS DEEP#HOW .#HOW IS THIS GOOD#HOW DO I HAVE HTE BEST LIFE HOW R PEOPLE JEALOUS#WHENEVER I GET MISGENDERED I CANT HELP BUT BITE MYSELF UNTIL I BLEED which is really hard to do...#IM SO SIKKC OF IT#IM SO TIREDD.#im going insane again arent i#THERES NOT BEEN A WEEK WITHOUT SELF HARM SINCE GOD KNOWS WHEN#EVERY LIMB HURTS except my right leg specifically i saved that one for spare parts#oh and my goddamn mother only cares about how ill look because of the scars and not that im FUCKING BLEEDING OUT BCUZ OF HER NO LESS#DOES IT GET BETTER. DO I STOP CUTTING MYSELF??#everytime i see a little too much blood it reminds me of when i did it and i feel sick to my stomach
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one if these days u guys are gonna hear about a crazy woman who just went absolutely feralraginginsane screaming in public n walking into traffic or off a bridge or smth and it's gonna be me bc i cant do this anymore my dudes. i'm gonna lose it for realises
#personal#oh well#its been months and i still feel like. idk how to explain it. like my insides are vibrating n my soul wants to claw its way out of me#its hard to explain#but it isnt going away#n im like. theres only so long u can feel bad right. so ive been waiting for it to pass and for things to feel better but its just Not#an ive been trying v hard to stop whatever it is#but everytime i see my face i wanna punch it#i want to hurt my body v badly and idk know why#and ive had self harm.urges before.obviously but never like this#i just want my whole body to hurt#so that it can stop feeling like this
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Cant wait to go to my therapist to hear her ask me why i havent started going to driving school or why i havent got a real job yet for the 384748th time
#witchy.txt#the appointment is this thursday#and yeah i am ecstatic at the thought. can you tell? ugh#like everytime i go there i feel like im never enough#going to a comic course? tou should focus on driving school#writing an original story? you should focus on finding a real job#drawing said story as a comic? thats cool but what about being more independent#BITE BITE BITE BITE GRRRRRRRRRR#like why cant i di things my way for once? dont tell me what to do#like im trying. im trying so hard but im still waiting for the papers to get to driving school!! like wtf its not my fault!!#also if i dont have a drivers license i cant have a fucking job so chill the fuck out for a second#i am doing things my way and sure i could do better but give me a break.#i can barely function and im finally having a not so bad time for once and you still tell me that im not good enough? fuck off
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Bahhh
#been feeling crummy#doesn't help my eliptical machine finally gave up#but I've been obsessing again#i hate it when I do this because I don't feel like I have any control over it#no matter how hard I distract myself I just keep thinking about the pains and stuff#this morning I couldn't stop thinking about how abandoned I feel/felt#yesterday and today i just feel ugly. unsightly.#and i wanna make friends but also i know I'm super intense with my feelings and reactions.#and i know. we just live inna day and age where people just. don't have the patience for it#it feels like if i ever complain to anyone they'll just abandon me and complain about how like#self absorbed and emotional I am#and I know this is all irrational but when it actually happens to you when the worst case scenario actually happens#you get so jumpy and frightened#my problems seem so intense and so much cause everytime I bring it up I judt get hit with#“oh.” or “wow.” or “im sorry.”#and its like you're clearly uncomfortable! and now I feel bad! and its like I can never tell anyone whats wrong.#and the few people who do listen I can never get them to talk to me in normal circumstances#so i feel like you're a therapist more than a friend and thats worse bc its like im using you#vent#i just feel like crying but I know it wont fix anything and i'll just get another nose bleed
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man.
#i had this whole post ive been trying to formulate for so so long. abt my issues w ceewilbur and ccwilburisms and#to clarify i do like cwilb he is one of my faves. ik it may seem i wanna bite his arm off smtimes and i Do but#its mostly bitterness directed to the stuff Around him if that makes sense. yk the response to lots abt him#the way the overcompensation abt how he can be villanized swinging into a state where he Cant and never Did and wrong and if you critique#or acknowledge it you get snipped at and demeaned and treated like its a targeted hit on the mentally ill when its like#a mild disagreement with one of the most popular characters in the fanbase Easily#and w cc wil i do think he is just sm guy. im sure he's a nice dude idrc abt the ccs usually but he seems alright enough even tho he has v#goofy ahh takes and opinions but that doesnt make you Evil#but when i dive into what really has made me feel so alienated and snippy its. llmao its the racism yeah lol its super very much the racism#its very very prevelent and very common and very unchallenged. and it like. upsets me so bad its why i keep bailing on making my actual#full detailed post abt it. cuz everytime i try to formulate my thoughts i just get upset and frustrated i wanna rip my hair out#its hard not to feel like im talking to a wall when its so common and unchecked and. ive seen rightful critiques of these spaces and how#ppl interact with them Openly Mocked and brushed aside and treated like 'petty sensative internet drama' that ppl need to 'just get over'#sorry man im a fucking 🇲🇽 i cant exactly log off and Stop Experiencing Racism. and sorry that me feeling alienated and tired and sad abt#it is an inconvenience for you llol#and like idk. im not upset w anyone in particular this isnt a call out post or vague who give a shit and.#eh maybe im stupid but i really really believe a lot of ppl arent doing it on purpose#its just bein parroted ik i get it but#am i rlly not allowed to be tired? why should it feel like my responsibility to hold ppls hand and go hey mb treat poc and darker skinned#ppl like ppl. maybe you should examine why you need so many things made palatable to you through conventionally attractive whiteness first#idk. idk!!! am i crazy who fucking knows#but it has been weighing on me stupid style so bad#the shrinking fanbase and primarily yk common stragglers has just. rlly felt like a magnifying glass to my already existing issues abt it#idk man. idk im tired and im at work its 100°+ and my head hurts so this is all yr getting. lea me alone#and again this isnt a vague who Cares. just wanted to get it off my chest finally#huri.txt#discourse#<- ig
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guess who cant fall asleep cause its too busy being sad!!!! me bitch
#eli.txt#this is abt me being bitchless still.#i just. i tried so hard to fix it and make it work but i guess i just wasnt good enough. and i dont even blame em for that lol#i miss them. not even in a i miss being in a relationship with them but they straight up will not talk to me#despite saying they still wanted to be friends and i feel really bad. bc maybe again i am not good enough to put in the effort#i WANT to be their friend i WANT to talk to them but everytime we interact i want to cry bc i just KNOW that i was not good enough#we were such good friends before we started dating and i want to be good friends again but i dont know if we can bc#i just fucked up too bad too many times AND NOW THEY WILL NOT TALK TO ME#its not like they need me. they have better friends than me and a better partner and a better everything and im nothing#they dont need me. but i still feel like i need them and this fucking sucks so bad.#theyre better than me in every way too so idk why i ever felt like i would be a good partner. i dont have anything to offer and never did#i was just being dumb the whole time i guess. idk i feel so bad. i wish i could be their friend again without going through all of this.#this sucks
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#ay ay ay. i dont wanna do my job so bad. it makes me so unhappy also i fucked up a thing by letting someone take part of a culture when i#shouldnt have. it happened so many months ago that i fucking forgot abt it and then the person emailed me abt when we received the stain and#i thought it was someone from another project so i cc'd my boss who was like. wait. what the fuck is this? and now its like oops sorry but#like wtf am i supposed to do abt it now? she askrd me to take some when i was rushing out of someone else's lab and i was like what? sure.#whatever i dont give a fuck i feel like im dying every second i stand in this room. i didnt even think to ask to share it which is what i#should have done. oops. cant do anything abt it now other than feel abt abt causing drama between labs. ugh.#i just wanna cut all ties with my old work. theres no joy there. only pain and anger. which makes it hard to work with it but the sooner i#do. the sooner i dont have to fucking deal with it anymore. ugh. also i really need to find a therapist but my insurance changes in like 18#days so i might as well wait for the semester to start. ugh. like i can feel the pull of my bad habits trying to drag me down and i dont kno#how to stop them. like its weird. i noticed while my parents were here. they can just do things and enjoy stuff. and everytime i do#something i feel like im holding my breath the entrie time waiting for it to be over and for what? its not like i had other stuff to do#i just needed to kno when things were gonna end and i dont deal well with flexible situations. which makes it hard to do things. so its#like do i succumb to my control freak lil bubble of not doing anything and being miserable or do things outside my comfort zone and be#miserable? one of those things is way easier. plus i dont even kno anyone here so its like wtf do i do?#try to make friends with my sometimes roommate maybe. i just need to corner her and be like hey i need to establish a dialog with u so i can#tell u that if i seem like a weird hermit im not trying to b standoffish i just dont kno how to do human interaction well. can we b friends?#id like to b friends but if i dont talk now then ill get stuck not talking ever. which is whats happened with past roommates... god my 1st#roommate must have thought i was so fucking weird. ugh. point is. these bad habits must stop. and i really need to get work done so i can#never think abt that shit ever again. at least now that ive moved i can run up the side of a mountain when im frustrated#unrelated
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hmmmmmm
#[redacted]#i will never have a normal and open relationship ever in my life#because everytime i try to be vulnerable with my mother and tell what is upsetting me#she turns it around and says i deserve to feel that way and maybe if i respected her more she’d actually stick up for me#and literally told me she has absolutely no respect for me and to get out of her face cause me being upset put HER in a bad mood#and it’s like i don’t know what to do i can’t have this crazy flip flop and it’s not even like she wants to hear the good things either#she shows visible annoyance when i try to tell her about my day#or brushes off my accomplishments as if it was pure luck and nothing else#or states how everything lines up with not doing enough somewhere else but won’t tell me how to fix it i’m just#i’m so lonely when i’m at home and there’s nothing i can do to fix it#i have nightmares of her leaving me to burn in a fire#her crashing the car on purpose with me in it of my future spouse meeting her#and her spending the whole time criticizing me to the point this person leaves me#i feel so utterly and completely alone and unlovable which is crazy! because i know my friends love me#i know i’m capable of love but i am so deathly afraid she’s right#and i’m too hard to love#and i hate it i just want a normal relationship with my mother and i would take all the standard#‘complicated mother daughter relationship’ if my mother even tried to act like she loved me#but she doesn’t and i know that and it’s pathetic that i want her to#anyway having a great night as you can tell 😵💫#eris: text
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