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vivieblix-star-cluster · 5 months

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Tale of System Discovery: Two Voices Recognizing Each Other's Presence Through the Hardship

Content warning: Discusses mental illness, a system gatekeeper, and brief bodily injury. Also non-detailed mentions of childhood trauma, addiction, abusive relationships.

Talking about how we discovered our plurality seems like a natural next step after writing our intro post.

With everything we’ve learned since our syscovery, it’s become apparent to us that we first became plural around the age of 7 years old. However, we didn’t discover or understand what was happening until we were several years into adulthood. Looking back, it’s confusing and a little funny that we didn’t notice it sooner. We recognized certain signs here and there while growing up and puzzled over them at times. We even learned to anticipate switches but didn’t recognize them for what they were. We came across the concept of DID and read about it on multiple occasions over the years, but it never quite clicked or resonated despite the idea of multiple people in one mind and body fascinating us to no end.

Nope, turns out our system was founded upon stealth, anonymity, and masking. This all worked fine and dandy in the background for the entirety of our time in school/college. Schooling provided enough structure and happiness (yeah, we were weird and liked school...well, the later years of it anyway) that we were totally distracted from the happenings in our system. It was only after we’d graduated from college and started our career that things started falling apart. Being in school was also the only thing keeping our mental illness in check, and stars above, did it crash and burn in a big way within about 6 months of starting our career. All those years of compartmentalization suddenly had nowhere to go in the absence of sufficient distraction and mood-boosters. So it simply came up to the surface. We were beginning to experience the true depth of our various mental illnesses for the first time ever. We couldn’t stand our first job after college, which didn’t help either, of course.

Over the course of two years, we became a totally different person. Someone new had formed in our system and they were nothing like the other members that were already in it at the time. They were a gatekeeper, they were utterly furious and loathed everything and everyone around them in the world, without exaggeration. They felt the same things about themselves too. They pushed everyone else out of front and took over completely for a couple years. Eventually, someone else in the system noticed something wasn’t right and started crying out.

The way things had worked in the system up until this point, Cressida (she/her) had been the one most frequently at the front. We didn’t really have a host per se, but Cress was still the main person operating things 5 days a week. Sabine (They/them) would help her at some points throughout the week, but Sabine mostly handled weekends with the help of the subsystem they had control over.

So, when this new bitter and hateful person took over and muscled everyone else out of the way, Cressida realized after a time that she had been imprisoned. She began protesting it by repeatedly declaring “I’m not the real me. This doesn’t feel like the real me.” We told our therapist about these feelings, that it simply didn’t feel like “the real me” living our life anymore. We were still largely ignorant about plurality at this point, but those feelings simply weren’t going away. In fact, they only grew in intensity as more time passed. Cress grew to resent her imprisonment and eventually started trying to break out of it. We wrote about some of these feelings/experiences as they happened. Cress described through our writing that she was in a cage, a small metal box she couldn’t get out of no matter how hard she tried.

This turned into a sort of rivalry between them. We referred to Cressida as “the positive voice” at the time. Nix (They/she), the overzealous gatekeeper described above, was referred to as “the negative voice”. This recognition of two distinct voices is what we consider as our initial system discovery. For over a year after recognizing these two voices, the “real me” and the “imposter”, Cress’s attempts to break out of her imprisonment became increasingly desperate and frenzied. She couldn’t stand not feeling like her brightly optimistic and bubbly self, nor how bitter and resentful Nix was all the time. We’ve always been best at communicating through writing, so it showed most clearly in the things we wrote about these feelings.

Cress pounded against the walls of her cell with everything she had and then some. She’d strike at the walls until her hands were bludgeoned, broken, and bloody, then keep going just to drive home how badly she wanted out. She screamed about it “not being the real me” all the while.

Finally, as we were recovering from a fairly short-lived addiction, she broke out. The moment is seared into our collective memory, one of the most powerful switches we’ve ever experienced. We were taking a shower when she finally shattered through the walls of her containment. She cried in utter relief and triumph for about an hour right there in the shower, sobbing so heavily that we couldn’t stand. It was as if she were seeing the world around her for the first time ever. It felt like being able to breathe again after being unable to do so for ages. Her time in the cell had changed her quite a lot, and everything looked and felt so totally new that it registered as surreal.

Nix was still around of course, but could contain Cress no longer. She vehemently refused to go back to her imprisonment. Over the next few weeks, with our therapist’s help, they began trying to communicate directly with each other for the first time. They turned to writing, of course. The first several times they interacted through writing felt utterly bizarre and uncomfortable in a profound way that’s difficult to describe. However, it didn’t take long for Cress’s fury towards Nix over the imprisonment to begin waning. Now that she was free and could see things from this newfound perspective, it suddenly made much more sense why Nix had taken the actions they had.

Cress came to realize that Nix was in fact not as bitter and hateful as she seemed. Cress had direct access to Nix now, all of their thoughts and feelings, not just what she was projecting outwardly like before. Nix formed in response to our rapidly worsening mental health. Between everything coming up to the surface from our childhood, several toxic/abusive relationships, multiple unhealthy living situations, horrible jobs...it was all becoming too much for us to handle. Nix’s actions within the system and lashing out at the world around us were akin to the actions of a desperate, cornered animal. Our life had become far too agonizing in a very short amount of time. Nix didn’t truly hate everyone and everything, she wasn’t genuinely furious with the world. She was simply in pain of a mind-boggling magnitude, and was having a rage-fueled fight response to us spiraling toward rock bottom. Her gatekeeping actions within the system weren’t attacks. Nix was taking all of that pain and hardship upon herself while trying to keep everyone else away from it, as that was the only thing they knew how to do to protect everyone.

Once she had processed and understood everything that had happened, Cress found that she simply couldn’t be angry with them anymore. She understood and empathized with Nix’s actions. In fact, she was heartbroken on Nix’s behalf for having taken on everything by herself and fighting to survive. She understood that it wasn’t Nix’s intention to hurt her.

Nix tried to hold onto the rage and hate that had driven her for years like a suit of armor. Cress could see through it now, though, and provided a gentle, safe, understanding space. Finally, in one of their writings, Nix effectively sagged in utter exhaustion and defeat. Cress was direct in calling out what had happened, why it happened, and that she didn’t believe for a second Nix truly hated everything like she had claimed. Nix relented and apologized, Cress forgave and hugged her for the first time, and they both agreed to work together from that point on.

They wouldn’t settle on their current names for several more years of system work and healing, but so marks the end of the events that led to the discovery of our system. It was an incredibly confusing and profoundly painful time of our lives. Discovering that there’s more than one person operating in your mind can be a scary and mind-bending experience, to say the least. It’s different for everyone of course, but in our case, it forced us to look at and listen to ourselves in a way we had never considered before.

However, we can now safely say that it was all worth it. We’re very glad to have made the discovery and to have begun properly listening to our inner selves for the first time. After all, nearly a year ago and after several years of working together, Cress and Nix became romantic partners! They’re both quite happy with how far they’ve/we’ve come since our system’s discovery! How’s that for an enemies to lovers story, hmm?

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whyareyouhere66 · 2 years

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“We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year…”

“Wish you were here..”

-Pink Floyd, “Wish You Were Here” 1975

Two-Bit Matthews

It was real dark outside tonight.

I couldn’t see much more than silhouettes- just trees, leaves, and the same patterns of houses. And the moon, of course, but I think pointing out some space rock might be too cliche.

I don’t know what I was doing here, sitting like a cat on this dusty old window sill. Mom’s doing something’ or other downstairs, other than her I was alone. Not too much of a fan of that.

Being alone gives me too much time to think. Guess you could say that’s where the drinking came from- at least then the thinking isn’t comprehendible.

I take another swing from the bottle, my leg shifting against the side of the house. 2 figures walk in front of my house, passing down the sidewalk.

“Well, heeyyya Macy-!” I croak, her head whips towards me in a real funny way. Her friend just waves me off dismissively, and a real weird laugh comes from my throat. It booms in my ears, ringing through my skill, and the girls are gone before I can finish taking another drink.

“Aaand, alone again..”

I swish the bottle around, barely any sound comes from it. What a drag.

I loosen my grip just a bit, and the glass slips from my fingers and cracks on the ground below my window.

It’s fine, I can’t name anyone who’d be walking there. It’s all fine.

Downstairs mom was playing music outta that fancy new record player she’d bought, man had she been obsessed with the darn thing.

I recognized the new song that came on, seemed to be one of her favorites.

‘Come over baby whole lot of shakin' goin' on

Yes, I said come over baby baby you can't go wrong…’

“Oh, lordy…” I cringe, rubbing my fingers over my eyes and nearly dropping my bottle again. Damn ‘Jerry Lee Lewis’, whatever the hell his name was.

Dallas hated this song. So did Johnny- the both of them. We’d be down at the diner, some soc would start playing it from the jukebox, and oh boy was it all over.

Dally would go and let out the loudest groan he could muster up, start whining about the damn tune like it was stabbing his ear drums. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was, the guy had some sensitive ears.

Johnny, well he would just roll his eyes so far back into his head I thought they’d get lost in there. Mumbling and grumbling about how ‘overplayed’ it was.

I chortle at the memory. Me, Sodapop and Steve used to tease ‘em about playing it at their funeral one day.

We didn’t go through with it.

And just like that, there goes the moment. I sigh, tilting my head back so it scrapes against the rough edges of the window, and kick my leg out so it bangs against the outer wall of the house. The music continued echoing loudly.

“Man, it’s real hard to keep memories when all that follows, is-is gunshots-“ I gesture outwards, towards the empty park. “-and those stupid, doomed and gloomed funerals, and all this-this bullshit-!”

I damn near let go of my bottle again, so close to letting it catapult towards the park and slam against some tree.

My eyes had began to burn in a way I wasn’t ok with.

I wanted them back.

I should’ve done something.

“Why the fuck didn’t I do something?” I strain through the burning cheeks and the sweaty neck of a familiar bottle.

A moment of silence follows.

I can hear myself weep, sometimes aloud and sometimes just in my head;echoing through a rattled skull.

“God damnit…” I whimper, looking back out on the park. The neighborhood.

I look at the small, trailer. I could see it from my window, it burdened me everyday of my life.

The home of Johnny’s folk’s, those damned idiots who fucked him up. They fucked him up good, sometimes the damned kid couldn’t even walk straight. They ruined him.

I glare at the stupid, rusty trailer. It blurs against the night sky, it’s silhouette running into the trees around it. It was because of them-

A hoarse cry jumps out of my throat, and my arm rips forward angrily.

“You ruined him!”

The glass bottle shatters, a mere couple of meters in front of the house. I could see the moon reflecting onto the glass shards, illuminated further by a nearby lamp post.

I sob, shrinking into the window once more. The warmth of my own body, and the wooden frame pull me in closer, until I am hugging the right side of my window sill desperately. I don’t care who heard. I don’t care who saw. I care, that they aren’t fucking here.

I knew so little about things, I’ve been told the alcohol fucked me up. But I knew I wanted the times back when me and Dally would rob diners together, pick up some broads down at the drive in, play poker with Buck’s playing cards, anything.

When I would jump out at Johnny from around the corner, blow straws at his face, let him stay the night when those bastards wouldn’t allow him to.

But it was all too late now.

I was able to accept when I knew I wouldn’t get a job. I was able to accept when I knew I wasn’t gonna be graduating any time soon. I was able to accept that I had a drinking problem. I was able to accept that I’m considered ‘stupid’.

But this?

This i just can’t.

I look up at the moon from my position against the wall. It’s mocking me. I know it is.

Shining down onto me like a spot light, just to prove to me,

That

I am

Alone.

Tags: @james-fucking-hates-dallas @the-height-of-life

#two bit mathews #the outsiders #the outsiders angst #dallas winston #johnny cade

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cutesmokes · 1 year

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Wade and Ember are relaxing in their shared apartment after a long day of work, just talking as they usually did until Wade brings something up from his childhood that sends the flame into fight or flight.

Day 5: "I'm not ticklish."

The door clicked softly as Ember closed it behind her as she let her bag slip off her shoulder and onto the floor next to the coat wrack. It’s been a long day, but nothing beats knowing she was actually doing something useful with her life, as well as being happy with where she was. It had been about a year since she and Wade had moved away from Element city. During that time, she went through a lot of emotions, things she had never felt before- but Wade was always there to comfort her. He always knew exactly what to say. It was almost irritating sometimes. With a soft sigh, she sinks into the couch, letting her eyes close for just a moment as she takes in the peaceful quiet around her. Eventually, Wade came from around the corner with a welcoming smile. He sat on the cushion next to her, pressing a kiss on her cheek as a wordless “welcome home”,. A small trail of steam was left behind as he pulled away, a small hiss filling the air as the waterboy threw his arms around her neck. Wade had always been affectionate, but after meeting The fiery young woman, it almost seemed like he never wanted to let go. Though she would never admit it, Ember felt the same. She had a good childhood and her parents were loving, but after years of being treated so differently by everyone but them, it felt nice to have a person love her so dearly for just being her. She sighed softly, an amused smile pulling on her lips as she looked down at Wade; his head resting on her shoulder, eyes shut with a content , Her arm wrapped around her boyfriend, hand gently patting his shoulder.

“Wade. I have to get dinner started soon.” he just shook his head, looking up at her while keeping his place on her shoulder.

“Nope! I'm taking care of that tonight. All you have to do is relax.” Ember hummed in acknowledgment, draping her other arm across the other side of the couch. Somehow, in between the silence, the topic of childhood had been brought up. now , as they sat face to face with their legs intertwined, storys from the past resurfaced. In her opinion, Ember’s own childhood, although cherished, was rather uneventful. Her life was all about family history and the shop and she was satisfied with that. Believe it or not, working in retail got you plenty of stories to laugh over. Wade, on the other hand, found them incredible. Even if it felt like nothing, every little detail was important. He had to laugh when she mentioned how rowdy children could be.

“Heh- mom could never take me and my siblings anywhere. We’d cause quite the scene- mostly Lake and I chasing each other around until one of us fell and started crying..” Wade chuckled sheepishly while Ember only shook her head. It was hard to see Wade as a trouble maker, but it make sense in some odd way.

“Your poor mother.” Ember added lightheartedly, making Wade laugh.

“Oh you though that was bad? The real wars started whenever we would get home. Alan was almost always the one to start it. He would claim wed been annoying him all day and would warn us to watch ourselves when we got in the house. The second we did- he’d chase lake and I down and tickle us to tears.” ember went stiff. Oh flame- so this is where this conversation was going. She tried to laugh but found it came out too awkward to not say anything.

“Hah.. yeah- i bet that was funny-” wade just continued.

“For them maybe! I was the main victim cuz they said my reactions were the best.” little bibbles started to form around his cheeks and the water begain to heat up, the aquatic people’s way of blushing, as he scratched the back of his neck.

“They always found some way to embress me. How about you? Your parents ever do anything like that?” as he contined, the usually hotheadded flame could feel her cheeks start to burn. She haddnt been tickled much in her years of living, but it was enough to know. It was embarrassing- and cutesy, and childish. It always made her stomach twist when she heard the word. She definitely could not talk about it as casually as wade did. Through gritted teeth, she shook her head.

“Nope. but they gave good hugs-” she tried moving the conversation along but wade just tilted his head, tears almost forming in his dazzling blue eyes.

“Your parents never tickled you..? How did you bond-?”

“W-we bonded- im- uhm.. Just- im not-that.” she replied a little too quickly, her flame flashed for a moment as her face blushed a dark purple before she shrank back, covering her mouth with her hands. The man looked her up and down, as if suearching for something in her expression. His eyes flashed as confusion turned to admiration.

“You cant say ‘Tickle?’ Ember. You must be at lest a little if the word alone makes you blush so much~.” He teased gently, scooting closer, making his girlffriend scoot backwards until her back hit the arm rest.

“No! Wade! Im not ticklish! And ill prove it!” her voice faltered alightly at she sat up tall,glaring at him while holding her arms out by her sides so she sat in a “T” shape. Wade looked into her eyes again. As much as he wanted to , he wouldn't act unless Ember was completely comfortable with him touching her. As if she was reading his mind, she nodded, practically challenging him. With a sigh, his gentle smile turned mischievous as he rose his hands up to her face, his fingers wriggling menacingly before latching onto her sides. Embers confidence failed as her arms ran to grab Wades wrists. Her eyes shut as her face turned to the side. Wade slowed down, almost stopping without releasing her.

"Too much? Are you okay?" Ember only scoffed.

"Please! I hah-Hardly feel a thing!" She was clearly lying. She'd always been bad at it- that was one of the millions of things Wade loved about her. She could hide her emotions well enough, but when she was distracted, everything spilled out of tiny cracks in her demeanor. Wade's smile widened as he pulled her into his lap, focusing towards her stomach now. Her feet kicked against the padded couch cushions as titters slowly began breaking through her breathing. The fingers against her belly turned to gentle scratching against the bare part of her midsection, a warm breath tickling down her neck.

"It's okay, dear. You can let go." Wade whispered, causing her titters to turn to soft laughter, her hands still holding onto his wrists. She never could hide anything from him - he made her feel safe, and loved. He drew her in and the harder she pushed, the gentler he came back.

"WADE- GEHAHA-" she blubbered out as her boyfriend used his dull nails to play over the middle of her stomach, using slow, circular motions only to quickly spider up to her ribs before the pattern repeated. He coos softly, hugging her as he buries his face into the crook of her neck. Tears run down his cheeks, fizzling out in the fire below.ember giggled with every tear. Not only because it was wholesome, but simply because it tickled. Screw all the "you'll grow out of it" garbage she told herself. If she didn't know better, her sensitivity had just heightened. She shook her head, almost used to his tears by now.

"Oh wade.. you're so sensitive."

"I-I can't help it! I love you so much - and you're just adorable!" He sniffled. Ember cupped his cheek, watching how the poor practically melted into her.

"I know, wade… I love you too." She whispered, reaching up to press her lips against his. Their hearts fluttered in unison as they trapped each other in their hold, letting their eyes flutter closed. Before long, they had to pull away, feeling dizzy as they fell into each other again. They'd worry about dinner later. For now, it was just them, in a world of their own.

I LIED. I watched Elemental for like- the third time? While writing this. Their love story is genuinely one of the sweetest relationships ever portrayed. I'm planning on writing a whole lot more for them but I'm trying (and failing) to stick to a theme.

#tickletober #lee!ember #ler!wade #elemental tickles #oh god im so soft for them man #smokers stories™#tickletober 2023

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7fortune-kitty7 · 2 years

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I’m Glad You’re Evil Too ✰ Translyrics

I kinda waited on this song after polishing it because It’s one of my favourite songs and I wanted to do it justice

Feel free to use and edit (just credit me if you do)

✰ ____________________________ ✰

Those times we laughed and cried re-winded in my mind

While wandering beneath the street lights in the middle of the night.

Usually I would be filled with anxiety

Opening up has never been easy

But with you by my side

I can smile truly bright

The alleyways was where I would stay and hide

Alongside these feelings weighing me down inside

Freezing rain streams down my cheeks

I try to keep to where sunlight won't reach me

But the warmth of your hand grasping mine

Took me by surprise

Some may see this happiness childish

Maybe sulk at how silly it is

Throughout the cold night, I held on tight

As the sparks of our love shine warm and bright

We adore how the sun sets red

And aww about dogs again and again

We both hate viewing stupid, crude, news on the TV

we laugh at awful comedies, and cry at beautiful tragedies

Just us two, lonely souls in this cruel wide world

Having the time of our lives

I never knew I could find someone just like you

I'm glad you're evil too

Very quietly were two petite hearts beating

Aimlessly dreaming of changing society

The conversations never seem to end

No matter how much time we together spend

Just us two sharing a simple dream to pursue

Only in the darkness brought very little happiness

Nevertheless how precious it is

We'll try to reach for that dream even if it's hard as it seems

Like a young boy and girl finding its meaning

The summer fireworks bloom so bright

And dinner tonight was such a delight

Just for fun, we read some kinda dumb story, how funny

We'd laugh at each other's dares

And sob at the silly songs we shared

Just us two, lonely souls in this cruel wide world

Having fun in our lives

I never knew I could find someone just like you

I'm glad you're evil too

I'm so glad you're evil too

Even when I try act for society

It never feels like I'm being the true me

If I can't be what's good

Then I'll hold you tight

As the sparks of our love shine warm and bright

We adore how the sun sets red

And aww about dogs again and again

We both hate viewing stupid, crude, news on the TV

we laugh at awful comedies, and cry at beautiful tragedies

Just us two, lonely souls in this cruel wide world

Having the time of our lives

Although death will do us part

This life has united our lonely hearts

Even though life is short, you make it so worth it till the end

So let's make a comedy at this boring tragedy of a world we live in

Just us two, lonely souls in this cruel wide world

Can you please hold me close

I never knew I could find someone just like you

I'm so glad you're evil too

You are the reason

Why everyday has meaning

I'm so glad you love somebody like me

✰ ____________________________ ✰

Original Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLevj9bdRRA

I took some lyrical inspiration from Rachie and David Toth’s lyrics, here are the links to Rachie’s cover and Will Stetson’s cover.

Rachie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNoy_b_JYU0

Will: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVHY5OyhX3Q

#translyrics #VOCALOID #miku vocaloid #vocaloid lyrics #vocaloid miku #pinocchioP #hatsune miku #mikuhatsune #hatsunemiku #miku #hatsune

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boba-beom · 6 months

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Angel,

There are 3 hours left for your birthday and I’m saddened I couldn’t celebrate it with you sooner! (Will let you know why privately)

I had something special prepared for you but I would like to tell you a few words!

01-20-22 was the first day we talked! You wanna what it was about? It was about how our birthday were exactly one month apart!

During this time I was new to tumblr I was new to discord and wanted a place to fit in! You made my time to the new environment really easy for me!

We became friends in no time! I know there’s distance between us but I gained a close friend, someone I trust and can go to whenever I need to. Someone who has shown me endless amount of love, and support. That distance becomes just distance when you look at the bond we’ve created!

You are someone so special and important and the people around you, my self included are so happy to have someone as sweet, loving, kind, smart, funny person like you!

I definitely consider you one of my online bestfriends because you truly know things about me that my irl friends don’t know!

I love and miss our late night talks whether it was late night for me or late night for you! We need to voice call asappppp!

I think it goes without saying but you truly get how I feel like no one else does! I think it confirmed that we are a different kind when we were losing our mind because of that one taehyun laugh followed by his “진짜” you remember that angel? How we both literally lost it at one word. Only taehyun will do that for you only taehyun hahah.

This might sound cheesy and you know what I’m okay with that but you are the Beomgyu to my Yeonjun! Quite literally 🥺💗

I hope we get to meet each other soon and go to all the food places so we can do our little asmr mukbang! Not only for that but to finally be able to see you and I just know we will spend hours talking and talking(I hope your sister is okay with that hahah). I don’t think there has ever been a dull moment or conversation that I’ve had with you!

I mean we can go from crying about how life is shitty to talking about how we’d want redacted to redact redact redact lol(based on true story I don’t know if you remember when we called on ig that one time you were in the ph)

I just wanna hype you up a bit but girlllll YOU ARE GORGEOUS!! STUNNING!!!!! I think I’ve shared this a few times but I when I first joined and saw your photos I was like she’s soooo gorgeous and your style!! YOUR STYLE!!!! I am in love with ! (Send your girl some pointers hahaha) I think you have such pretty eyes and I love your hair!!!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL OKAYYY!!

I have to take some time to also mention how you are so down to help anyone who needs it! I know you were there for me helping me when I was going to post my very first fic! Not to mention you were instantly willing to help with my theme which so many people loved and complimented! You are always there for me during hard times even to just listen!

I love that we have matching pfp 🥺 do you remember what started it? It was when the tribute stage performance for weverse con came out and we were obsessed with the with the burgundy silk shirts and the fans and beomgyu long hair! We were in the nsfw section just sending a bunch of “🦋🐱🦋🐱🦋🐱🦋🐱” then we both changed our pfp and it was accidentally matching so we’ve been matching since then! I think it’s really cute and special 🥺

I would just lastly like to say how much you mean to me to me and that no matter where life takes us you will always have a special place in my heart and mind! I love love love love you so much! I hope you had a great day and I can’t wait till I hear all about it 🥺💗 I miss you Lots Angel!

I am always here for you!

I hope you have the happiest of birthdays! 🥳

HappySmilesDay 💗

Oh p.s. I got me cake yesterday and I sang hbd to you before I ate it but my dumbass took the video on Snapchat and forgot to save it! 😩

Angie 🥹 thank you isn’t enough to show how grateful I am to have you in my life. you’re like a hidden gem I didn’t know that I would eventually keep along with me from day to day. I do remember bonding over our birthdays and it all stemmed from there!

you and I both know so well that I will always be there for you and anyone if they need 🫶🏼 wasn’t called smiles for no reason (I’m sorry lmao that was cheesy). I also find it so amusing just how easily we relate together. I’ve enjoyed every single interaction, moment, call, voice note, squealing about taehyun’s laugh and his ‘진짜‘, and all of the above.

lmao the fact that we can go on and on, talking about whatever but it’s okay, yappers will be yappers and that’s us 🤭 no matter what it is we just manage to hold it out well!

thank you for the compliments and plenty of your kind words 🥹 I have so much love for you, I hope you always know that! and I can’t wait for the day we meet! I’m sure it will bring us closer than we already are 🫶🏼

I have so much more to say but it can wait for another special day 🤭 I love you so much and you are always going to be the yeonjun to my beomgyu 🤍 I miss you lots and I hope you’re always taking care of yourself!

take your time with everything and I love you a hundred times over!!! thank you for the cute beomjun pictures and the cake is super cute 😭 you’re so precious, Angel!

#angel angie ᡣ𐭩 #makes smiles cry #junniieesbby ᡣ𐭩 #[ 🧸 ] — mutuals.#[ 🌠 ] — smiles day greetings!

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crocerella · 1 year

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To the men that decide to abuse women. When I was in kindergarden my mom used to let me pick out my outfits each morning. I would wear pink skirts and t-rex t-shirts and oddly colored hats. My best friend's name was Nikki and we'd play and laugh for hours running through the sprinklers and down made-shift water slides. I cried every time that Nemo got separated from his dad because my heart ached so strongly with pain. I wanted to be a butterfly when I grew up, and then a cake bakery owner, but I can't remember what I wanted to be next.

My parents were gay so I learned from an early age that love could be seen as ugly even when it's all you know. My mother got cancer when I was eleven so I learned that life is temporary, I learned what it was like to cry so hard you couldn't breathe.

When I was fourteen I wore rainbow socks and these awkwardly long ones with sloths and bulldogs. They were my favorite animals. I wrote poetry during class and dreamt about being a pirate at night when I was falling asleep. I spent hours making travel itineraries and watching historical romance movies.

I wanted that type of love, so when the first boy that ever professed his attraction to me wanted me to be his girlfriend I called a friend for some advice and said why not. Fourteen. He was almost an adult so I thought that meant I must have been more mature. Good for me.

I wasn't more mature. I planned dates with pillow forts and showered him with handmade notes and gifts and paintings. I felt so full of life, everything was so funny and abundant. We fell in love and he was the first person I ever let in entirely. I had been too scared to do that before. He took my love for him and my desperation to make him happy and destroyed pieces of my dignity and soul.

You see, when you hurt someone's body from the inside you change them. When you damage parts of someone that they cannot escape, skin they cannot shed, you leave markings that stay with someone forever. Men who abuse women I will not beg you to change. I will not plead. I will not cry on my knees. I look you straight in the eyes, I sit in front of you as a human being and a child and now a woman and tell you this. You hurt people because you fear that you are unacceptable as you are. You do not believe in your own ability to receive love freely. And so you must take it or make people feel the same way you do on the inside - powerless. I will not ask you why. I pity you, I pity that you may not know how it feels to hug a friend tenderly and pull stray fuzz from the tendrils of their hair. I pity that you will not know how good being generous to strangers feels or how light it feels to compliment a women without expecting anything in return. These moments everyday make the world feel so warm and beautiful that it feels like my heart may burst from overflowing.

Your obsession with control will cause you to look back on your life in old age with many regrets. You will realize you wasted it in the wrong pursuits, feeling as though you spent it all avoiding yourself. And you will die bitter. That is the curse of selfishness and violence.

I will spend the rest of my life in harmony with the deepest parts of myself. I will show the parts of me that I am most ashamed of the most love. I will spend the rest of my life treating myself gently, forgiving myself, raising myself as if I would my own dearest most beloved child. And I will know true love and power in a way that you may never know.

#offmychest #writing #healing

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shorkbrian · 3 years

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I swear I ain’t in it for the money, but I can’t stop thinking about sugar daddy shoto. Maybe he sweeps a cute little college kid or barista of their feet, just something fun and casual. But this man starts falling harder, needing a way to lock them down to him. Money isn’t quite cutting it anymore, so he decides fucking a baby into her would do the trick. Shoto would push her down into the mattress, large frame twisting her into a sweet mating press. This way they could stay together forever and Shoto would have absolutely no problem providing for his sweet family <3

but fr tho I feel like Shouto is NOT the type for kids.

Mans will tolerate them when they babble or wave at him, but he very actively Does Not Want them.

Always uses condoms, and even though he’ll threaten not to, it’s never a legit thought in his mind to cum inside. Shouto doesn’t want to be a dad.

-----

You’ll be sittin on a park bench, fading sunset dark and pretty in front of you yet all you can do is cry. There’s not really any people around so it’s not like you’re bothering anyone - you hadn’t wanted to cry in your shabby apartment (half the cause of your worries) just in case you received a noise complaint.

“Are you alright?”

A somber, smooth voice is heard. You’re swiping at your tears quickly as you look up, trying to laugh off your state of distress. “Oh, haha, yeah I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” It’s hard to smile with your puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

The man in front of you frowns, hands in his coat pockets, scarf draped around his neck. “You don’t look fine. Mind if I sit?”

He’s already claiming the spot next to you on the bench before you can say a word, turning to you with a passive expression. “Why are you crying?”

And that’s all it takes to have you breaking down all over again, tears streaming down your face. Just one person offering to listen to the heavy burden you have to bear.

‘’M sor-sorry...” You sob, wiping at your eyes with frigid fingers, successful in doing nothing more but smearing tears around your face.

“Here.” The man’s taking off his scarf, gloved hands offering it you.

“I ca-can’t use your sc-scarf sir.” But he’s insistent, pressing it into your hands up by your face.

“I’ll just get another one. Keep it, you’re in need of it more than I am.”

The kindness makes another fresh bout of tears roll down your cheeks, but this time you're able to dab them away with soft fabric as you sniffle.

It takes a moment for you to calm yourself. When you do, you can finally engage in conversation with the man.

You tell him about your job hours getting cut, how you’ve been turned down or ignored by every single place you’ve applied at for a second job. How you’re barely affording to wash your clothes - you have to hang them or drape them across things in your apartment because you don’t have the money to pay for a dryer cycle.

And to top it all off, you’re still short on rent, despite how you scrimped and saved and even forced yourself not to buy groceries this week - you’ve gone hungry for the past three days.

“You haven’t eaten?”

You glance up at the man and his incredulous expression, shaking your head. “I’ve been trying to save money, I thought I could afford my rent if-”

“What kind of food do you like?” The man is pulling out his phone, swiping and tapping immediately.

“Thank you, but I’m not-” looking for charity is what you want to say. Plus, you shouldn’t accept favors from strange men.

But the handsome man is waving you silent. “I’m cold, plus I’d like to grab a bite to eat before I head home. I don’t like eating alone though, you’d honestly be doing me a favor.”

You take a moment to process. Is he telling the truth? He sounds like an honest guy.

“Seems like the only place open around here is “Joe’s 24 hour Diner”.... You mind burgers?”

So that's how you end up in a booth opposite the man (”Shouto” he had told you as you both headed to the diner), munching away at warm food. It tastes so good, you hardly have time to worry about the man watching you as he eats.

You’d been shocked at his looks the moment you’d seen him in the light of the diner. Pretty two-toned hair, different colored eyes, perfect skin, expensive clothes. Why was he even talking to you? It’s obvious the two of you led very different lives.

“How does everything taste?”

“Delicious.” Is your response, and Shouto seems pleased, nodding before taking another bite of his meal.

Maybe it’s stupid... but you feel weirdly safe with this man. He doesn’t seem to bear any ill-intent towards you, nor has he made any comments about your body or let his hands or eyes stray. He seems like a gentleman.

Conversation flows easily between the two of you, even sharing a few chuckles at times. He’s some fancy rich businessman, you learn, and you share about your own life, laughing at the comparisons. Shouto can’t fathom growing up in a house with less than five bedrooms and a personal servant.

He asks for your number, and you’re hesitant in giving it - he surely can’t be interested in you? But he seems so sincere, it’s hard to say no.

When the two of you part ways, Shouto gives you a wave, “Hope to see you again soon, and under better circumstances.”

“You too! And sorry for being such a mess and stopping your walk-”

Shouto shrugs, cheeks beginning to pink from the cold air as you two stand outside the diner. “You needed help. I like to assist.”

-----

The next morning you wake to find an atrociously large sum deposited in your Venmo account by none other than a Shouto Todoroki.

Immediately, you’re calling him. “It’s too much, we just met. How can you give away that much money to some low-life?”

You hear him sigh on the other end of the phone. “You’re obviously struggling. I was wondering what your hours are this week, perhaps we could talk about this over dinner? Or lunch, if that fits better with your schedule. I’m flexible.”

It’s a few days later, days spent questioning yourself, questioning his intentions, before you see him again, both of you deciding to meet for lunch to further discuss... whatever had just happened.

“Was what I gave you adequate to cover your rent?” Are the first words out of Shouto’s mouth after you greet each other.

“Yeah, more than enough-” You squirm. “But I need to ask.... why?”

“Why?”

“Why me.”

“Oh.” Shouto’s expression clears. “That’s easy. I told you a few days ago - I like to assist. I’m quite lonely, and it feels nice to use my money on someone other than myself. I think providing for someone brings me... I wouldn’t quite say joy, but... contentment.”

You contemplate his answer for a moment.

“Well... you saved me with my rent, I don’t really know how to thank you.”

The man leans forward. “Well.... I know it might be a bit sudden, but how would you feel accepting me as a.... benefactor of sorts?”

“You mean like a sugar daddy?” Is your immediate, blurted response. You want to slap yourself for speaking before you have the chance to think about your words, but luckily Shouto just lets out a light laugh.

“If you’d like to call it that. I’m willing to provide financial assistance for you, in exchange for companionship, if you’re willing to give it.”

Your face heats up as you drop your eyes, fidgeting nervously in your seat. “I don’t feel comfortable with a... a sexual relationshi-”

“That’s perfectly acceptable.” Shouto cuts you off before you can continue. “I wasn’t trying to insinuate a contract of that nature. I’m thinking more along the lines of accompanying me at meals, sharing experiences with me, providing company and friendship to a lonely man. If it seems that we’d like to progress further than that after we get to know each other, well, that will be addressed then. For now-” Shouto meets your eye, dipping his head a smidgeon so he can look at you directly. “All I ask for is a simple, non-intimate bond between two people.”

This is crazy.

And yet you accept.

The situation may be wild, and completely absurd, but you’d be a fool not to say yes.

Shouto is charming and handsome, respectful, courteous - you could go on and on about his positive qualities. He just seems like a sad, lonesome man swallowed by work and responsibilities, too stressed and busy to put the effort into making friends the conventional way.

-----

Months pass by.

You’re eating at every meal, sated and never going hungry. You’re able to move into a new place, one that doesn’t smell like cigarettes and sits right next to a railroad.

Clothes aren’t a worry anymore, you have your own washer and dryer in your new apartment (Shouto offered to buy you a house, or a penthouse at the least, but you couldn’t justify it to yourself). You’re able to afford new things, and pretty dresses, shoes that are comfortable and fashionable and that fit.

You no longer have to wear clothes down until they have holes in them. You’re able to go to the doctor’s when you feel sick, able to pay for health insurance.

Life is good.

Shouto is a personable man, serious, but he can be rather funny and even crude at times.

The doubt and thoughts of “Why is he doing this for me?” and “I’m not good enough for this.” plague you, but Shouto always seems to catch on, reassuring you that you’re exactly what he needs - a friend.

And you’re more than happy to be that.

You think sometimes, that even if he wasn’t paying you, you’d still like to be friends with Shouto Todoroki.

Until he starts acting weird.

“You should just stay at my place. I have more than enough room,, it’d be easier for both our schedules. We’d get to see each other more often.”

“Uhm...” You don’t really know what to say. You like your freedom, and having your own place where you can walk around in your (expensive) underwear without being bothered.

“I think it’d be nice, don’t you? We could have breakfast every morning, you wouldn’t have to worry about traveling to and fro, we could spend more time together. We don’t see each other nearly enough.”

He’s pushing, insistent. How are you supposed to tell him no? He’s paying for your entire life. Plus, it wouldn’t be that bad to actually live with him. Shouto’s an amicable man.

So you move in.

“I bought you a few things, they’re on your bed.”

Shouto’s striding into the kitchen where you’re making coffee, buttoning up his shirt as he comes closer. You’ve found that the man likes to sleep in nothing but boxers, shrieking and flushing an embarrassing shade the first time he’d come to wake you up with a sweet “welcome” breakfast in bed.

It’s taken a while to adjust, but you finally feel that you’re fully settled in.

“Oh, you really don’t ha-”

“I wanted to. I went through your closet - your clothes are nice, but your underwear seemed to be lacking.” He’s so matter-of-fact.

All you can do is stare at the back of his head.

“Could you pass me a spoon please?”

-----

Shouto had splurged on expensive, fancy lingerie.

At least eight different sets were laid out on your bed. It was overwhelming. It also felt.... a bit intrusive? They were all in your size, in a complementary color for your skin tone.

Weird.

Not as weird as the onset of Shouto’s casual touches.

You’d be reading, or drinking tea and watching cars race by on the street so far below, and Shouto would come up behind you, caress your sides before intertwining his fingers with yours on one hand. He did it as if it was a normal thing, but it felt anything but normal.

Or you’d be on the couch together, and Shouto would shuffle closer until his large body was pressed to yours, almost curled around you. The faux-cuddling was a bit more off putting. How do you tell him no?

The touches became more and more intimate, Shouto’s gifts more and more frequent until you weren’t even spending a penny, the man taking care of everything.

The arrangement was beginning to make you uncomfortable.

Shouto’s bi-colored eyes seemed to always be on you, tracing the shape of your body, watching you move, or breath, or sit. It was distracting, and you felt bad for feeling this way towards the man who’d pulled you out of poverty, but it was so unnerving.

He seemed to notice.

“You’ve been so stressed these past few days. Is something wrong?” Shouto’s rubbing a hand into your shoulder, hovering over you at the dinner table.

“No?” Is all you can manage, wiping your hands on your napkin as you finish your food.

Shouto frowns. With a sigh, his hand drops from your shoulder and the man leaves your side, heads toward the kitchen.

You clear your plate from the table, following after him so you can wash it and put it in the dishwasher before you head off to get ready for bed.

But Shouto is rummaging in a cupboard, pulling down two wine glasses to accompany the bottle of wine that’s standing proud on the island. It’s your favorite, a sweet wine that Shouto knows you like, always brings it out when he decides to drink whisky or bourbon after dinner.

He pops the cork and pours you a glass while you finish with your dishes, handing you the glass when you turn away from the sink, pressing it into your hands. “Let’s relax a little bit, it’ll be good for both of us.”

You’re fine with that, knowing that a little wine won’t hurt you, especially when it’s of such fine quality. You’d never dreamed that you’d be able to taste such richness in your lifetime, spend frivolous amounts of money on wine and fine eateries. Yet here you are.

Shouto pours himself a glass, barely a sip filling the bottom. The man raises it to his lips and takes a swig, grimacing a bit in his flat, unexpressive way. You giggle a little.

“Too sweet?’

The man nods, setting the glass back down. “I’m not entirely sure how you can stand to stomach it. But if it makes you happy-” He shrugs, before pulling on of the bar-stools out from under the island so he can sit facing you, long legs stretching out before him.

You look at him, and he looks at you, and then you take another sip of wine to avoid the awkwardness.

“You’re distancing yourself from me.”

The accusation is quiet, Shouto’s eyes focused on your fingers wrapped around the stem of the glass.

He’s always been straightforward with his words. “Is there a reason you keep drawing away?”

The wine disappears from your glass, sliding down your throat and settling in your stomach. You fill your glass again before speaking, struggling to find the right words without upsetting your... benefactor.

“Well, Shouto... I don’t really know how to...” You trail off, hoping Shouto will say something, change the subject, say it’s alright and move on to something else.

But the man stays silent, eyes appraising you.

Taking a deep breath, and another gulp of sweetness, you try again.

“Sometimes the closeness... like, physical closeness? Makes me, well, uncomfortable.”

Hopefully, that would satisfy his curiosity for now. That wasn’t the only reason you’d been avoiding Shouto seeming distant, but you didn’t think sharing the others would result in anything good.

Said man accepted your response, dropping his eyes to his lap as he mulled it over. More wine was consumed, glass re-filled. You felt nervous.

“You’re saying that my touch isn’t something you’d prefer.”

Biting your lip, you soften at his confused expression, at the hint of sadness swimming behind his eyes. “Kind of. I don’t mind you Shouto, you’re really kind, and you’re good company, and a wonderful friend. I just don’t think the.... the intimacy is for me.”

Shouto raises his head, stares at you with those pretty eyes, lips parted as he comes to terms with your words.

“It sounds like you don’t trust me. I would never hurt you, you know this.”

You scramble to assure him. “I do! I do trust you, and I know you wouldn’t.” (at least you hoped) “But I guess I just... Coming into this agreement I wasn’t ready for that type of... thing. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

The man rises, shakes his head as he steps closer to you. “Don’t worry, I remember our first conversation about that aspect. I see that for you, that type of relationship would only begin after you really cared for the other person, trusted and wanted to see them happy, am I correct?”

“Oh, Shouto-” You rush. “No, I care for you, and I trust you, and of course I want to see you happy. I think it’s just, y’know, my last relationship like that went really bad, and it sucked. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Shouto nods, understanding. “I see. You don’t have to worry about any of that with me then.”

A smile crosses your face, and you feel relived that he accepted your rejection with grace and understanding instead of violence or anger. “Thank you, it means a lot to me.”

The mood of the room shifted, from tense and uncomfortable, to easy and light, and you poured another glass of wine, laughing a little at how worried you were about the conversation with Shouto, only for it all to turn out fine.

“I’m going to go drink some of the liquor that’s kept in my room. I could mix a few drinks for you to try, you might like how sweet they are. I know hard alcohol isn’t quite your thing.”

You beam a smile, nodding your head eagerly. Before, you’d feel apprehensive about going into his room with him to drink alcohol. But with the conversation the two of you just had, you knew - things would be fine.

-----

The room was spinning and you felt giddy and light. You were definitely tipsy.

“You can lay down on my bed, you’re getting wobbly on your feet.” Shouto had offered, and you’d gladly accepted, flopping down onto his comfy bedspread with a laugh at how the motion made butterflies rise in your tummy.

Shouto leaned against his dresser, swirling whiskey in his glass as he watched you, a half-smile across his face. You smiled back, before closing your eyes, a little bit tired as you realized that you might be a bit more than just tipsy.

Shouto had mixed quite a few drinks for you, and you’d drank each one eagerly, impressed with how little alcohol you could taste in each one. You don’t remember how many you had, but it didn’t really matter.

The next thing you know, hands are on your waist, scooting you further up the bed so your legs no longer hang off the edge. Cracking open an eye, you’re met with the visage of red-and-white, eyes soft and warm as they regard you, Shouto’s face tinged a bit pink from the few drinks he had consumed. The man had never been too good at holding his alcohol.

When those hands started to slip beneath your shirt, you wiggled like a little worm, not really comprehending the situation. Maybe it was a dream.

Your shirt was discarded, then your pants. It felt much more comfortable now, and you mumbled a “thanks” to the man helping you settle for bed. He was so nice, Shouto took such good care of you. You still kind of couldn’t believe the turn your life had taken with him, the good luck pushed into your path.

Someone was kissing you.

With a grunt of surprise, you kissed them back, meeting their feverish pace and trying to keep up, soft lips puckering and pushing against your own with intent. Kissing felt good. You liked kissing.

Then a hand was cupping your face, stroking tenderly over your cheek before it began sliding down, down your neck, into the valley between your breasts, trailing over your bra. It felt funny.

Pushing back for air, you gasped when the hand on your chest started squeezing at you, eyes flying open with the startling, sudden sensation.

Shouto was hovering over you, lips puffy, panting as he stared at you with lusty eyes, an uncharacteristic look on his face. This... this wasn’t supposed to be like this. You knew. Hadn’t the two of you just talked about something... important? Was it important?

You didn’t feel panic until a hand cupped your sex, feeling your skin through your panties.

This wasn’t right.

Alarm bells were ringing, dull and far away, but you didn’t think that Shouto should be touching you in such a way. you should be going to bed.

“Mm, Sho, can you stop?” But your words felt funny on your tongue, and Shouto didn’t stop. Maybe he didn’t hear you.

His hair tickled your chin as the man bent to mouth at your tits, pulling the cups of your bra underneath them so he could feel your hot skin, let his saliva drag slick and wet against your chest.

Your hands instinctively rooted themselves in his hair as you gasped again, not expecting such a move, tugging lightly at his head to pull him up. Shouto just groaned, teething gently at your breasts and not moving an inch. His hips were grinding against the bed though, as he stood between your spread legs.

Before you knew it, your panties were gone, bra clumsily unclasped and discarded, and you were completely bare. Shouto was undressing before you, struggling with the buttons on his shirt before giving up, easily ripping the fabric of his body with one tug, grumbling.

You didn’t feel so tipsy anymore.

“Shouto, what’re we doing? We shouldn’t be doing this, we need to stop-”

“Stay down.” Was his firm command, a hand splayed across your naked chest and pushing you back into the mattress as you tried to sit up. It made you breathless, the growl in his voice, the dominance emanating from the man. You stayed still.

“This’s gonna make us a stronger couple.” The man slurred, eyes dark and hands wandering, effortlessly keeping you pinned against the bed as he ground his hips forward against the edge. You were getting scared.

“Wait-”

You fell silent as one hand pushed down his pants, his underwear going with them, pink cock bobbing free. He was so pretty down there, and it made sense, all of him was pretty, but you suddenly realized the weight of the situation, what was happening.

“Shouto, no, oh my god. We gotta stop right now, we’re drunk, we’re-we’re-”

“Don’t care. Not gonna let you hide away from me this time.” Shouto shook his head, taking his cock in one hand and giving it a long, slow pump, flushed tip weeping precum and wetting his hand.

“No, no, this is wrong. I don’t want this, I could get pregnant!” You cried, beginning to panic for real, pushing against the one strong hand anchoring you to the bed.

Shouto just chuckled, letting go of his cock to crowd against you, getting up in your face to press a wet finger to your lips, the salty taste of his precum threatening to slip into your mouth unless you kept it shut. “Shhh, shh. If you stay nice and still, if you do what I say, I’ll use a condom.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.

“You’re gonna listen to me, you always do.” The man nodded to himself, once again dragging his cock against the bed between your legs, as if he couldn’t stop himself. “Or else I’ll fuck you raw.” The finger was pulled from your lips, only to be wagged teasingly in your face.

You couldn’t believe how he was acting.

“Be nice.”

Shouto tapped your nose with a neatly manicured finger, before groaning as he heaved himself upright, red cock bobbing against his stomach, desperate for attention. The man gave you a look, as if to say “don’t move” before he took his hands off you, heading for his dresser.

Once you saw him pulling out a strip of condoms, you were on your feet, stumbling toward the door.

Although panic had sobered you somewhat, you were still struggling with the effects of the alcohol, so your reaction time was maddeningly slow. Slow enough that you weren’t able to truly fight against Shouto when he grabbed you from behind toned arms wrapping around your middle and heaving you into the air, only to throw you back on his bed.

You were almost sick on the bedspread, world spinning and stomach protesting, but you were able to calm yourself.

But then Shouto was on you, flipping you onto your back, a soft hand pressing against your throat threateningly.

“You want to have a baby? Want me to cum in you so you’ll get all fat with kids? Hm?” He was so intense, almost choking you, straddling your waist and keeping you pinned. It was too much

You were able to manage a tearful, desperate “No!” despite the hand around your throat, and Shouto backed off, releasing the pressure to instead stroke his hand against the sides of your neck.

“Stop acting like this, it’s the next logical step for us. You said you cared for me, wanna make me happy. This’ll make me happy. I won’t be like the last guy.”

His cock was pressed against your stomach, and you could feel it twitching. Shouto clambered off of you, letting go of your neck so he could grab the condoms he’d tossed on the bed before snatching you up.

“Do what I say and I use these.” He waved them in your face before tearing one off, beginning to open it.

You stayed still, gazing at him blearily, limbs feeling fuzzy, mind feeling the same.

The condom was rolled onto Shouto’s cock, the man spitting into his palm and giving the latex a few rubs to make it slick before reaching for you.

He dragged you to the edge of the bed - the perfect height for him to fuck you - and you didn’t fight, terrified of his threat. You couldn’t stand the thought of a baby.

(You didn’t know, but neither could he)

“Wanted to do this since I met you.” Shouto mumbled, pushing your panties to the side with a few fingers so he could guide his tip to your hole. “Want you so bad.”

You didn’t know what to think of this side of Shouto. This unreserved, uncareful, slurring mess of a man that loomed before you, gaze dark and wild, limbs everywhere as he groped and squeezed and appreciate the shape of your body.

But he must’ve gotten impatient, because then he was pushing inside.

It hurt, stinging pain rippling up your back and you keened, causing Shouto to pause. One of his hands darted down to wrap around your calf, hauling it up on the bed so he could lean forward and press it to you chest, sinking his cock a few inches deeper.

“You’re gonna take it.” He hissed before messily kissing you, pressed so close together that it was hard to breathe. “I’ll make it feel good after you do.”

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scarlettriot · 3 years

Text

Stood Up

Pairing: Sero/F!Reader

Summary: When you find your dating making out with someone else at a Halloween party, Hanta swoops in and reclaims your evening, rekindling an old flame.

Contains: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Demisexual Reader, Astronomy/Greek Lore Nerd Sero, Old flame

Warnings: 18+ Below the cut, Minors DNI! Swearing, Demi Problems, Praise/Smidge of Degradation, Name-calling (slut & whore), Pet names (Love, good girl, pretty girl), Car Sex, F Masturbation, Oral M Receiving (Road Head) I think that's everything

A/N: This took me much longer than I expected. It's also my first time writing Sero. Given the season, I decided to add a touch of Halloween and costumes to this one.

If you'd like to read other's in the Stood Up series, here are the links:

Stood Up - Bakugo - WC 3,502

Stood Up - Kirishima - WC 3,612

Stood Up - Kaminari - WC 2,461

Word Count Starting Below: 3,494

Denki Kaminari's annual Halloween bash was in full swing by the time Hanta had arrived. He'd come straight from patrol, wrapping himself up in his own tape making a half assed mummy costume for himself. Not like anyone would notice with the flashing colored lights, loud music, and abundance of liquor.

However, Hanta didn't even make it up to the double glass front doors of Denki's home. Not before doing a double take at the very familiar pirate that ran by him.

"Y/N?" You stopped allowing him the chance to catch up to you, "Holy shit, it is you, when the hell did you get back?"

Three years you'd been gone, working in America. Time differences and busy schedules made it so the two of you barely kept in touch. It was a shame, Hanta thought, considering how close the two of you used to be.

"I- uh- just a few weeks now. I heard you were helping out with the disaster relief after that storm."

It had to be his eyes playing tricks on him, the funny colors of the dancing lights were what made your cheeks look wet, right? Those couldn't have been tears.

"I was, yeah, but I got back yesterday. I didn't know-"

"Get the hell outta here!" His head snapped back towards the front of the house, just in time to see Eijiro, dressed in an impressive werewolf costume, literally throw someone out of the party. The guy drunkenly stumbled off, Eijiro walking over towards where Hanta was standing with you. "Y/N, you good?"

You nodded while Hanta tried to piece together what'd happened. "Sorry, it took me a second to find the bastard. Do ya wanna come back in? I'll make sure he leaves."

"No, Eijiro, thanks though. I'm just gonna head home."

The wolfman frowned but understood. "We'll have a smaller party for ya! Just the gang as a welcome home! You know Denki will look for any excuse to throw a party." He turned his gaze on Hanta. "A mummy, really?"

"You've been a damn werewolf for the last two years! You don't get to give me crap."

Eijiro poked the fuzzy pointed red ears carefully set into his spiky hair. "Mina and I worked real hard on this costume... seemed like a waste to only wear it once."

"We both know you haven't just worn those once, big man."

That got a chuckle out of you while all Eijiro could do was shrug and try to hide a shit-eating grin.

He asked you again if you'd like to stay and once more you said you were going to just head home. It was when you specifically said you were going to be walking home that Hanta spoke up offering to drive you back to your home since it was Halloween and people were creeps.

You were a damn pro hero but he still didn't feel right about just letting you walk home alone.

When you agreed he told Eijiro he'd be back soon and walked over with you to his car.

>>><<<

A part of you missed the old station wagon Hanta used to drive, not that this BMW he now drove wasn't absolutely amazing, you just sort of missed the comfort of the old car.

He waited until he'd reached the end of Denki's long, winding driveway to finally speak. "So, you wanna tell me what happened back there, or am I just supposed to pretend like Kiri didn't kick someone out on your behalf?"

"You could probably just ask Kiri and he'd tell you."

"I could, but, I'd like to hear it from you."

You knew you could tell him, there was nothing you couldn't tell Hanta. There was once a time when the man knew every single detail about your life. Sure, time and distance had put a strain on that relationship but you were back now. There was no reason why you couldn't at least start rebuilding what you and Hanta once had.

"Y/N, if you don't wanna say anything-"

"I was just casually seeing this guy. You know me and dating, how we don't always work out." You said abruptly and he quit talking, "And so, we weren't like official but we said we'd go to this party together. Well, I got here and went looking for him and found him making out with one of Hawks' sidekicks. I got a little upset when he noticed me and, well, he just said he found someone better."

Hanta actually stopped the car, pulled off to the side of the road, threw it in park, and looked right at you because he knew what found someone better meant exactly. You'd used those words in high school when that guy from Shiketsu that you'd been seeing got pissed off that you wouldn't put out and ended it with you. You went to his dorm crying because he 'found someone better', is what you told him. It took him a few hours to get the truth out of you.

You'd always been the kind of person to love with your entire heart but sexually, you'd confessed that you felt different from all the other kids your age back then. Not having the same urges and desires that everyone else seemed stricken with.

"Hanta, it's fine, really. Kiri heard the whole thing and, well, you saw what happened."

"Doesn't make it right! So, you went on a couple dates with a guy, that doesn't mean he just gets to expect you to put out for him! Even if you weren't demi, no one gets to just assume they deserve sex."

His lips were pressed in a narrow line, nostrils flared once in annoyance. He was usually so calm and laid back that you thought it rather cute when he got overprotective. "It's alright, Hants, really."

He still gave you a look that said he disagreed but then shook his head, dropping the subject for now at least.

"Still like those late-night drives?"

"I love them."

"Good."

Hanta waited for a car to pass and whipped the car in the other direction.

It wasn't long before he had the windows rolled down, conversations filling in the blanks of lost time, in between belting out choruses of your favorite songs. Minutes slipped by the further he drove, you lost track of both time and kilometers, letting him tell you all about the ridiculous antics the group had been up to.

Eventually, you caught the scent of salty air and even in the dark, you had a pretty good idea where Hanta was going. He followed a winding road, making two left turns and then a right leaving you on a stretch of road that paralleled the ocean.

You let your head fall against the seat, eyes falling shut and inhaling that wonderful smell you missed so much. Hanta had just one hand lazily on the wheel, his elbow resting out the open window, a relaxed smile was illuminated in soft orange lights off his dash.

You let your head roll onto his shoulder, not as easily done without the bench seat in his station wagon but it worked nonetheless. "Thanks."

His free hand came to rest on your knee, "Anytime."

He turned the wheel, pulling over and parking in front of a small beach access that you guys had found at 3 in the morning five years prior. Hanta kicked off his shoes, leaving them in the car to avoid them being sand-filled and you did the same with the knee-high boots purely because you longed to feel the sand between your toes.

The wooden planks were worn, parts buried beneath the sand until eventually, none remained. Breaking waves flooded your ears and you made a run for them! Before you could reach the lapping water though, tape had wound around your middle and yanked you backward.

"Not happening!" Hanta said firmly. "Last time I let you talk me into late-night swimming we didn't have a change of clothes either and we both got so sick! I think I might have actually died without Bakugo's soup!"

You chuckled, remembering being nineteen and curled up with Hanta on the sofa in the living room of the apartment you all shared for nearly a week. The sniffles didn't cease for almost three weeks.

"Okay, okay, no swimming." You flopped back down into the sand, his tape still attached meaning the cellophane hero was pulled down with you. "Tell me about the stars then, Hants. Who's out tonight?"

Astronomy was a hobby of Hanta's you learned about after moving into the dorms your first year. It wasn't uncommon to find him out on the roof most nights, laying on his back and looking up into the clear night sky littered with twinkling stars, usually with a joint pressed between his lips. It became almost a habit for him to grab you on his way up, pulling you along because you were more than happy listening to him tell you about each constellation and the stories behind them.

It was around this time of year, in your final year of high school; somewhere between him recalling the greek mythos of Aries and Sagittarius that you noticed your heart beating a little faster. You realized something had shifted between the two of you, and, holy shit, was this what it felt like to have a crush! When the hell did that happen?

You'd entrusted everything to Hanta back then, and now, laying in the sand shoulder to shoulder while he talked about Draco, that familiar feeling stirred again. You remembered what it was supposed to be like when you weren't forcing it for some random guy. How simple it was supposed to be.

You inclined on an elbow and he stopped mid-sentence. "Eh, everything alright?" You nodded but he looked anything but convinced, mirroring your position and asking you again.

It was easy for you to lean forward, to brush your lips against his for the first time in three years. And, when you pulled away, he looked about as shocked as he had the night you'd done it when you were eighteen.

"You- you still like me?"

When you left for America, you'd both agreed to put a pause on your sort of relationship. Free to date and screw whomever you pleased because three years was a long time and it just seemed like a fair decision to make. The realization that he might now have someone else special in his life dawned on you...

"Yeah but I totally understand if things are different now and I shoulda asked- oof!"

He kissed you so hard you toppled back into the sand, quick pecks, one right after another, ending them with a long one that nearly left you breathless.

"I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't want to make you feel awkward about things or make you think I expected something. I thought that maybe since we didn't talk for a while your feelings might have changed."

"I can say with confidence they haven't."

"Thank fuck." He groaned and captured your lips in another searing kiss.

It was easy to lift his shirt off, the shreds of tape that remained were now covered with gritty sand that clung to your fingers as you traced the chest and torso you knew so well. Gliding over defined muscles, lingering on old scars and mapping out new ones he'd collected in your time apart.

His own hands were busy flicking open the brass fastenings of your corset, huffing about it being so much more difficult to get to your chest and something about it being very unfair.

By the time he'd undone the last one, bright headlights shown across the beach. "Shit."

Giggling ensued from the walkway and you both sighed, at least it wasn't the police or a hero patrol. Hanta gathered his shirt and ran back to his car with his hand in yours.

"I thought our days of being caught were over."

"At least it wasn't Mr. Aizawa this time."

A chill ran down your spine remembering the night and the lecture you'd received when your teacher had caught Hanta sneaking out of your room early one morning.

"So, uh, do you still plan on going to Denki's party?" You asked innocently enough but Hanta knew you far too well.

"I think I'm gonna miss it this year." His hand found a home on your upper thigh. "Apparently, you and I have a lot of catching up to do. Lost time to make up for and all that."

"Too bad you don't have that old station wagon anymore. If you did, we wouldn't have to wait to get back."

Dark eyes glanced over at you not so subtly parting your legs.

"I dunno. It's not too often I travel in the backseat of my own car but I've been told it's pretty roomy. Lots of legroom."

Your hand ran over your legs, dipping down to lightly brush your more sensitive parts, thankful you opted for the thin pair of black leggings rather than the dark skinny jeans. Your fingers danced again and this time you let a soft moan pass your lips. "Eyes on the road, Hants."

"That's a little hard to do when I've got you spread out in the passenger's seat." He grabbed your free hand and pressed it against the bulge in his pants. "You've got me distracted, filthy little woman."

You appreciated him testing the waters, a subtle way of checking if you liked those nicknames he used only in private with you, giving you a chance to protest if your likes had changed. They were one's that only felt right coming from him and you were eager to hear more.

Forgoing your own high, you leaned over the center console as best you could, undoing his belt first, followed quickly by his zipper letting his strained cock be free.

His grip tightened on your leg when you kissed the tip of him. "Just like old times, huh?"

A chuckle turned quickly into a moan, taking him in your mouth, pushing yourself further on his cock, fighting your gag reflex to get him down your throat. Hanta reclined his seat further, giving you more room to work with.

Your legs clenched tighter with every groan you pulled from him, wiggling your hips in the seat, letting a hand fall back between your own legs. There was an attempt of a moan around his cock when his fingers coiled in your hair. "Such a good slut. Keep fuckin' goin'." He let you continue at your own speed, needing to focus as best he could on the road rather than what you were doing but, damn, you were making that increasingly difficult.

He wasn't stopping you though. He rarely did. You'd sucked him off on countless drives before and only stopped when- "That's it." He lifted you off him by your hair at the same time he pulled off the road. There was a convenient turn-off, hidden by overgrown brush you noticed before he shut off the headlights.

Hanta took you by the chin, smearing drool. "Backseat, pretty girl." He reached into the glove box and pulled out a foil wrapper, "What do you say we test out that legroom?"

He wait to watch your smile grow wide before crawling into the back because he had to be the first to go if this had any chance of working. Once situated, pants under his thighs, he patted his lap for you to climb over.

You slid easily onto his lap, hands traveling up and over his shoulders, kissing hard while you rocked your hips against impossibly hard length.

There was so much comfort in the familiarity of him. It wasn't awkward to fall back into rhythm with Hanta, to remember that he loved the feeling of your nails dragging down his chest. And he was just as eager to get your shirt off, reach your breasts he'd missed so much, and get his tongue on your nipples.

Your head tipped backward, loving the pace he set, hips bouncing creating the perfect tug on your nipples between his teeth.

"Love, if I promise to buy you a new pair, can I rip these damn leggings? They're just so thin and-"

"Please." Your breathy moan had him smirking and with a single grunt the leggings were ruined, cool air from the vents had only a moment to touch your bare ass before Hanta's hands reclaimed it.

There was no way he hadn't felt your arousal before ripping your clothes off, you soaked through your panties and leggings, you knew that, but that didn't stop him from commenting on how soaked you were now on his fingers. "Want me inside you, whore? I think you do."

You nodded with a whimper and he slipped a finger in. "Hants, noo- I- I want your cock, please."

"You're gonna take my fingers like a good little slut first." You clenched at the words falling from his mouth. "So fuckin' tight you can barely take a finger. How'm I supposed to fit in here if you can even take a single finger? Need you to loosen up, alright." He pushed another finger in, scissoring the two inside you.

"This gonna make you cum? You need this bad, don't you? Tell me. Tell me how bad you need to cum."

"I want it. Please, please, I need it. I'm so close," You babbled and ripped the foil open with his teeth, rolling it with one hand on his cock. In an instant, his fingers had been replaced with this dick. Sticky fingers on your ass helping you ease down on him with a hiss.

"Fuck," Hanta let out a throaty chuckle, "You still fuckin' feel the absolute best." He dropped a kiss between your breasts, letting you adjust to his girth. "Perfect. Good girl. Such a fuckin' good little slut."

He wasn't about to last long. Not once you started bouncing up and down on him, your tits right in front of his face.

"Couldn't even wait for me to get you home, had to fucking tease me in the damn car." He held onto the fat of your ass, pulling you along him and slamming you down hard.

"Kinda pathetic how desperate you are. Fuck. Kinda hot too."

When the top of your head bumped the roof of the car, he scooted lower, trying to give you as much room to ride him however you pleased.

"What do you need? You wanna cum, don't you, pretty girl, what do you need?"

"Faster, faster please."

Hanta shifted even lower, making you grab onto the two headrests while he thrust his hips up into you at a rapid speed. His thumb on your clit was the additional stimulation you needed to fall over the edge. Nails clawing at the black leather as he continued to moan below you now chasing his own release.

You stayed poised above him, using every last bit of strength to stay upright until his mouth was rambling and his cock pulsed inside of you. Fingers bruising your skin before holding your pelvis snuggly against his.

He was bent in a way that looked entirely uncomfortable and yet he still smiled so widely. Reaching up to brush hair out of your eyes, "You okay?"

"Perfects, Hants. A little sore but I'm sure you are too." He moved off his lap, letting him slip out of you with a groan, "Is your neck gonna be okay?"

"I'll be fine. Having you back, love, is more than worth a little bit of a neck cramp."

As he tied a knot in the condom, depositing it into a plastic bag he had tucked away under his seat, Hanta raised a brow, "Love, really, are you alright? Please, tell me if I hurt you at all."

"No! I'm good, why?"

"You're sitting silly."

You were sitting a little odd, perched on your knees rather than sitting on your ass because the leather was chilly and you told Hanta as much making him laugh. "Wait, I think I can help." He leaned back to the front of the car, flicking a button making it glow. Once he tucked himself back in his pants he hopped out of the car and you could see him rummaging in his trunk through the rear window.

"I keep forgetting to take this out from our camping trip a couple months ago. Guess it turned out to be a good thing." He laid the blanket down over the passenger's seat, declaring that should help a bit.

You wrapped the now toasty warm blanket around your bottom half while Hanta drove back towards the city, your head on his shoulder, his hand on your thigh.

"So, shopping tomorrow? I believe I owe you a pair of leggings..."

"It's a date."

#mha #mha smut #bnha #bnha smut #hanta sero #sero #sero smut #hanta sero smut #sero x reader #sero x y/n #hanta x y/n #hanta x reader #mha x y/n #mha x reader #smutober #kinktober 2021

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tonystarkstan · 2 years

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the thing is, when people break up, a lot of times the only thing that gets talked about is all the bad things. they talk about all the things they hated about their partner, they talk about who their partner was in their worst moments. but the love was there. the love was there, and it mattered. it mattered more than all the other stuff.

i loved it when she smiled. she had a lovely smile, like it was startled out of her, like a sunshower. sometimes she would laugh at things that i didn’t think were as funny as she did but i laughed along anyway because it was contagious and something to be bottled, something to be treasured. i would open up a call to her on facetime and she would answer with her smile and even if it wasn’t a good day, i would think, it’s a good day, because then it was.

she was better at words than anyone i know. better than me, by miles and miles, better than published authors I’ve read and loved, better than my English teachers growing up. she could turn the world into poetry. she turned me into poetry, which is a hard thing to do, because there’s not a lot about me you can turn into anything beautiful. she managed to, though. she had an uncanny ability to put words to almost any feeling, a talent that only ever failed her when we both probably needed it most. or maybe it didn’t, and i just forgot how to listen.

there’s not a person on the planet who can make me laugh the way she could. she spit dark humor and wit like she wrote the language of it. we would be talking about grief and rock bottom and fear, and then i would be laughing and i’d never feel guilty for laughing when i probably shouldn’t be because she always made it feel okay. i think she always wanted me to laugh, and i think she knew that sometimes it was either laugh or cry, and if crying would break me, she would make sure I could have a laugh and feel something close to whole again, even if just for a moment.

she’s stubborn, and i loved that about her. i say loved, past tense, because now it’s that same stubbornness that keeps her isolated from the people who love her. she’s stubborn in her insistence that everyone hates her, and now i don’t get to be there to remind her that that’s far from the truth. but she’s also stubborn in her love for people, too. she’ll love them, against her better judgment. almost especially against her better judgment. and she stubbornly loved me as best as she could when it was hardest to love me. (i wonder if that was against her better judgment, too.)

her ideas bled into mine, and vice versa. i don’t know that i’ll ever find another person who completes all my half-finished thoughts so perfectly. she could spin my prompts into works of art, she could take the barest skeleton of an idea and breathe life into it. i only wanted to read things she wrote. i only wanted to write things she wanted to read. this is evidence of that.

she made me feel safe. she made me want to tuck myself into her side, to wrap the covers tight around the both of us and play a game of make-believe where neither of us ever gets hurt again. she once woke me up from a nightmare and promised me i was okay, and i believed it. i cried my grief next to her in the dark, but she was awake and there for me and i could feel it and it was good. she was good. she is good. i hope someone is telling her that. i hope someone is making her feel safe, too.

she has a list of safe foods, and i find it incredibly endearing. quesadillas and rice from monterrey’s. grilled cheese sandwiches. chicken tenders. i once made her baked potato soup and she liked it, and i still remember that feeling of triumph and pride that i could make something she liked. i only wanted to make things she liked. i wonder what else i could have gotten her to love if we’d stayed together longer. (i guess we’ll never know.)

she’s brave. i don’t know where she gets it from, but i often found myself jealous of it. not in any malicious sort of way, but in the “i wish i were like that” way. she would wake up feeling worse than me and then do the day better. she would try to climb up the tree and i wouldn’t. she would face grief head on and i would flinch away from it. she would love fiercely knowing it could backfire on her spectacularly. i would love under the illusion that it wouldn’t.

she’s kind. she’s resilient and hardworking. she’s intelligent and perceptive and picks up on all the things that aren’t being said, and she tries her hardest, always, so i should have known better than to think what happened in the end was because of a lack of trying. it still hurt, though, and it was still the end. i wish i could change it. but i promise you, she is still all of these wonderful and gorgeous things. and i am so lucky to have gotten to love her.

i hope someone loves her as much as i did. (do.)

i hope they love her better.

— “a love letter to my ex”

#‘hope it’s been 6 months now time to move on’#idk i just miss her a lot and ppl think im crazy but they didn’t know her #not like i did at least #heartbreak #love #and other things that ache

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ihatecoconut · 4 years

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Of Curses and Breaking.

As the firstborn, I had never worried about the family curse; every second child was doomed to a short life of misfortune, but everyone else was left unharmed.

But after my father passed and my mother remarried a partner with a child older than I, I discovered that the curse considered step-siblings as part of the order. It was gradual at first, tripping into a puddle here, dropping a glass there, but it slowly got bigger and bigger and more ridiculous- like all the second children behind me.

The day I came home after nearly being hit by a bus and then being splashed with muddy water by the same bus, my mother pulled her new husband into their room, panic in her eyes as she threw a quick instruction to my now-older-sibling. I realise now that she was explaining the curse to him, and that she had realised what an older sibling meant for me faster than I did, but at the time I didn’t think anything of it.

Sometimes I think being an idiot is part of the curse.

Callie cleaned the wounds I had gained when I threw myself out of the path of the bus and helped me out of my ruined clothes. She didn’t say anything, and she sent away our younger sibling when they came to stare, except Marty, who had been the second child previously. There was an odd look in his eyes when he sat down and pressed a rag to my still-bleeding arm, which I realise now was guilt.

It’s odd how dying places everything in life into absolute clarity.

Misfortune is an unfortunately ambiguous word. Sometimes it was getting food poisoning, even though everyone else had eaten the same thing and was fine. Sometimes it was having to re-do a test three times because the teacher kept losing it. Sometimes it was being yelled at for something because the email I had sent, explaining, had gotten lost somewhere in the internet.

Short, however, is not. Short means that it will be significantly less years than everyone else lives, and no second child has ever lived past twenty in our family, with most dying between the ages of fifteen and nineteen. Every birthday since my sixteenth has been a subdued affair. Everyone laughs at the idea that ‘birthdays are just celebrating being one year closer to death’ but when your life has an expiry date, it isn’t that funny.

Callie cried every time I blew out my candles. I know she vaguely blamed herself, as did her father, as did Marty, as did my mother. I wish they wouldn’t.

We made an agreement- all of us sibling, even Callie and her brother, just in case- that we wouldn’t have children. We wouldn’t adopt. We would never consider a child our own. We would break the curse. You might wonder why adoption wasn’t an option and maybe it would be, I don’t know, but if the curse considered step-siblings as a part of it, why wouldn’t it consider adopted children?

Callie is standing over me now, crying. I think she’s holding my hand, but I’m loosing feeling in my extremities, so it’s hard to tell.

“I love you.” She sobs. “I wish we’d never met.”

I don’t tell her that would mean Marty would have died. She doesn’t need that right now.

“I love you.” I whisper back, fighting through the pain. “Break the curse.” Darkness prickles at my vision. “Break the curse.”

Based on the prompt in bold by @promptsforthestrugglingauthor

@givethispromptatry

#writing #writer #writers #my writing #writblr #writeblr #writers of tumblr #excerpts from my writing #short story #short stories #short fiction #fiction #flash fiction

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minaramen · 3 years

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Yamato Nikaido - 16 Idol Album - Part 1: 16 Idol Album

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Yamato: Was it really that enjoyable?That “Welcome to the kids' room” program we recently joined

Tsumugi: Yes!! Apparently, your cuteness became extremely popular!

Tsumugi: That’s why we decided to join a project where we will hear your childhood stories once more, searching for the roots that have led to your present selves!

Iori: Our roots?

Riku: Roots, how cool! I suppose there are programs that deal with these kinds of stories!

Mitsuki: Aah! The kind of speech that you would make with somebody sitting next to you inside a taxi! Like, your concept of life, your enthusiasm toward your job…

Nagi: Oh! The songs played at the end of those programs are always impressive

Yamato: With those kinds of songs played you look cool anyway, no matter what you say. They make your words cooler than a casual conversation

Tamaki: You’re right! I want those songs to be played next time I’ll make Sou chan angry!

Sogo: Mh? Why?

Riku: Oh, I see the point! You’ll have them played so that Sogo san’s words will reverberate in your heart, thanks to the power of a cool song!

Tamaki: That’s also true, but the moment when he forgives me will reverberate in my heart even more

Sogo: The power of music is surely great… it’ll reverberate even more…

Tamaki: Yeah! Why don’t we prove that right now?

Iori: Aah…manager, please, go ahead

Tsumugi: Yes…

Tsumugi: This time it won’t be such a specific program… we’d like to hear stories based on the pictures from your childhood

Tsumugi: Apparently Re:vale, Trigger and Zool will join the project as well, so the producer said that he wants it to be an exciting 16 person party!

Sogo: 16 people…it’s a pretty high number…

Nagi: It’s the perfect number for a party!

Mitsuki: How could we make it exciting, though? If we let everybody talk, it’s gonna be a huge mess…

Yamato: Don’t be so focused on the number, Mitsu. We managed these kinds of things before, after all. If I remember correctly, we’ve never had that kind of problem with the people concerned

Iori: That’s right, nii san. I mean, if we were talking about the seven of us…

Riku: What could I talk about, if I met Touma? Ah, I wonder if he watched the movie that made all of America cry! It was released recently

Riku: By the way, why is “all of America” written with the same kanji we use for “rice”?

Nagi: Hm…in Japan they say there are seven gods in each rice grain. These gods cried… would that be the reason?

Tamaki: They’re seven, just like us…when I meet Isumin for the project, I’ll be proud to say we’re just like gods

Sogo: Tamaki kun, couldn’t you tell him that at school? We’re supposed to talk about our childhood memories in the project…

Iori:...there you go

Mitsuki&Yamato: I see…

Yamato: Well, if people start talking about any possible topic in the universe, be sure to show us a good Big Bang, Mitsu

Mitsuki: Man, I wonder how many times I’ll be supposed to create the universe…well, in the end I’ll just have fun with it as usual after all

Yamato: You’re right, you’re right…

Mitsuki: Okay! Let’s enjoy this project as hard as we can, the 16 of us!

Everybody: Yeah!

*Cut to a cafè*

Mitsuki: Ah, a message from the manager. Let’s see…she says that the recording has been postponed by two hours

Yamato: Did something happen?

Mitsuki: The MC’s assistant had some trouble during another recording, so he’ll be late

Mitsuki: It can't be helped. Let’s just wait here

Yamato: I guess so. Shall we wait in that cafè?

Gaku: Oh…Nikaido and the older Izumi. Are you having a break too?

Mitsuki: Ah, Yaotome! Hello. Actually, our recording has been postponed, so we’re just trying to kill time

Yamato: Are you alone, Yaotome?

Yuki: There’s also me

Mitsuki&Yamato: Wah…!

Yamato: Don’t start talking all of a sudden from behind!

Yuki: You seemed not to have noticed me, so I wanted to surprise you a bit. Thanks for such a funny reaction

Mitsuki: Are you two alone? Do I have to expect someone else to surprise me from behind?

Yuki: We are, we are

Gaku: It’s just the two of us

Gaku: We had recordings together, but we didn’t want to part right after they finished and we decided to go for a coffee. We were talking about the project

Yamato: The project?

Yuki: The project we’re supposed to have together. I guess you’ve already heard about it?

Yamato: Ah, the one where Mitsu is supposed to create a whole universe with a big bang…

Yuki: A big bang?

Mitsuki: It doesn’t matter! You’re referring to the project where we’re asked to find our roots?

Gaku: Yeah. Sounds interesting, doesn’t it? Have you already chosen which story to tell?

Mitsuki: I’m still thinking about that. It also depends on what Iori chooses to tell…

Yamato:...roots….

Gaku: What’s going on, Nikaido? You look a bit down

Yamato: No, it's nothing…

Yuki: You’re the illegitimate son of a famous actor, such a story would be sensational even if he’s now retired…what’s wrong? Do you want to say something?

Yamato: …you really have a lovely personality, don’t you?

Yuki: Thank you for praising me. Momo always tells me that

Yamato: I have no doubt

Gaku: I see, your father is Chiba san

Yamato: Well, yeah. You’re right, but…

Mitsuki: Could you possibly feel embarrassed talking about your old times as a rich, spoiled boy?

Gaku: Aah! The old times when you used to have that melting smile on your face!

Yamato: Are you guys making fun of me or what?

Yuki: You showed us many precious pictures, all of which show you laughing, surrounded by tons of toys and delicious food

Yamato: Hey! Stop it already

Gaku: Now I’m pretty interested in your childhood, Yamato. How did they spoil you?

Yamato: You don’t need to be interested! It’s not such a big deal…

Yuki: I heard that you could fill a whole room of the mansion with the presents you received for your birthday

Mitsuki: A whole room?

Yuki: Yes. They filled a 15 tatami room (TL note: 4.93m×4.93m)

Gaku: Really?! That’s a huge scale

Yamato: W-why are you so shocked? You're the son of a president, I bet you used to receive as many presents as I did

Gaku: No, because my father was particularly strict. Even if some business partner of his brought me a present, he firmly refused to take it. He said he didn’t want to owe anything to anybody

Yamato: Well, I guess he was right. On the other hand, that stupid father of mine…

Yuki: He was far from that, since he invited so many people to his son’s birthday, and even called celebrities as guests in order to hold a karaoke competition with popular songs…

Yamato: That’s…!

Gaku: A celebrities karaoke competition!?

Yuki: Yes, but of course the protagonist was Yamato kun. Despite there being so many famous singers who were regulars at Black or White, most of the show was a Yamato kun’s recital

Yamato: How the heck do you know such details!? You didn’t even frequent us at the time

Yuki: Shizuo san showed me video recordings. Since he told me they were history-making pictures I watched them carefully, and it turned out being a Yamato kun’s home video

Yuki: Anyway, I thought the history-making thing was the melting expression of Shizuo san eating snacks and drinking whisky

Yuki: But time passed, and the boy with the innocent smile from the video ended up waving a bankroll at my face…

Gaku: A bankroll!?

Yamato: Okay, okay! We can talk about that next time…!

Gaku: Hey, I got too interested at this point

Mitsuki: Ahah! Well, when you’re a child you always feel like you’re the center of the world

Yamato: I think I was really spoiled back then…

Yuki: You know, everybody would have spoiled such a cute child

Gaku: Ah, I guess you feel ashamed of your old self

Yamato: Ugh. I've had enough of this project, I can’t wait for it to be over…

Mitsuki: Ahah! There you go again!

Mitsuki: The picture showing you with a melon became extremely popular, so I think it would be nice if you tell the karaoke competition thing

Yuki: I agree. It would be such a good story

Yuki: Also….if you think about the reason why Shizuo san acted like he did, you’ll probably feel warm and you’ll be able to speak naturally

Yamato:.........

Yuki: Yamato kun, there’s no way you wouldn’t understand what I’m talking about. Especially now

Yamato: Come on…. you reaaaally have a lovely personality, don’t you?

Yuki: Thank you for praising me. Momo always tells me that

Mitsuki&Gaku:...............

Gaku: Well, as you grow up you have a different perception of your old feelings

Yamato: Do you speak from experience?

Gaku: Yes. I couldn’t accept those feelings back then, but I think I became capable of facing them now. If you open yourself to somebody, you will be able to sort yourself out…

Yamato:........ Mitsu. Will you listen to my memory on our way home?

Mitsuki: Of course, but…

Yamato: You see…if I have to talk about it to seven people…maybe it’s better if I understand beforehand how to sort myself out…in a laughing mood…

End of part 1

TL notes:

Thank you @wayfinder-family-lover for proving me with this card!

#yamato nikaido #idolish7 #ainana #idolish7translation

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tssidesfics · 3 years

Note

Requests: Analogince where they’re human and also single dads? And they all meet because their kids fought and got called to the principals office

Virgil's POV

Upsides to being a single father to a child with ADHD: you got to raise a beautiful, special boy with a sharp mind. You got to teach him all the coping mechanisms you'd painstakingly learned over the years to cope with his condition and watch as he lit up over the things that brought him joy. You got to watch as he zipped from topic to topic, brighter than the sun, mind racing at a million miles an hour. You got to be the first person to hear about his beautifully creative ideas. You got to have a reason for living, all yours and wonderful, that you didn't have to share with anyone else.

Downsides to being a single father to a child with ADHD: you had no one else to pass the buck to when he got in trouble at school.

"It'll be fine," I chanted to myself for the billionth time as I turned off the ignition and unbuckled myself, gripping the steering wheel and forcing deep, measured breaths. "It'll be fine. He probably won't get expelled for this. This is his first fight and you don't even know why he got into a fight. You didn't raise a bully, so he was probably defending himself or another kid." Terror clasped me around the throat and squeezed. "But what if you did raise a bully and you didn't realize it, and now you've sentenced your son to a life of crime trying to make up for the hole in his heart where his father should have loved him oh God I broke my son!"

Immediately, my therapist's voice spoke up in my mind. You're catastrophizing again, he said in that obnoxiously aware, gentle way of his. Calm down. Take it one step at a time.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, focusing on the feeling of my stomach and then my chest expanding with air. I let it out through pursed lips, a quiet whistle in the exhale.

I'd played through scenarios like this a million times in my mind. The second Cassie told me, five months pregnant with tears streaming down her cheeks, that she didn't want the baby, I'd prepared myself for any possibility. I'd created contingency plans and contingency plans for my contingency plans, because I knew how much harsher the world would be on him. With a grandparent, his biological mother, and me all with ADHD, there hadn't been any doubt Drew would get it, too, and I'd prepared for that. I'd prepared for the possibility that poor grades and emotional dysregulation would put him on the back foot and even get him expelled. I'd taught him all the coping mechanisms I could. I'd tried to show him as much love and patience as I could muster, and I'd show him the same now. We'd get through this. We would make it through this.

I nodded, resolute, even as doubt and worry niggled at the back of my mind. I'd raised Drew alone, without any support from my parents or Cassie, working a call center job that barely paid enough to live off of. I'd demanded a child psychiatrist the second Drew started displaying symptoms and beat the system for the help he deserved. I'd beat the system for the help I deserved. I was a badass. I was a badass.

I got out of the car.

The two people at the front desk--a woman with strawberry blonde hair and a baby-faced guy--looked over, presumably torn from their conversation, when I walked through the door. The woman swiveled her chair to face me with a friendly smile. "Hello there," she said. "How may I help you?"

I forced myself to look her in the eyes and strained through a smile. If you act like a weirdo, it'll just make things worse for Drew. "Hey," I said. "I'm, uh...Drew Griffith's father. You called me and--"

"Oh!" She gestured to the side, at a door that read: PRINCIPAL MOROZOV. "He's in there."

I looked over and gulped, staring in fear at the door. "Say, uh..." I smiled at the woman as politely as I could. "You wouldn't happen to know the correct social etiquette for talking to the principal after your son gets into a fight at school, would you?"

She gave me a funny look. "Huh?"

"Never mind." I hung my head in defeat and commenced the walk of dread to the front door of the office. The wall facing me was all glass, which meant I could see inside. Two adults, one natural-haired in a polo shirt with his arm around one of the kids in the chair beside him and the other behind a desk, looking stern. I couldn't see the other two kids or any other adults.

And then Principal Morozov spotted me through the glass and shit, I was out of time.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. "Sorry it took me so long," I said, hoping that was the right thing to say. "It was hard getting off work."

"It's all right," Principal Morozov said. "We haven't even reached Mr. Accardo yet."

"Hey, Dad," came the halfhearted voice of Drew, hidden behind a chair too big for him, especially when he slumped in it like that.

I peered over the top and smiled at him softly. "What the heck, kid?" I asked.

"He called Patton a freak." Drew pointed at the kid in the middle, with a busted nose and--oh God.

He had scattered burn marks across the right side of his face, with two differently-colored eyes and a scowl.

"So of course you had to beat me up," the kid sneers. "Because that's a perfectly rational, healthy thing to do."

The third kid--Patton, I presumed--bounced in his seat, humming in distress. His father, a man wearing glasses and a polo shirt with a tie, rubbed his back.

"I don't see why my son has to be here," the other father said, looking at Principal Morozov. "He didn't do anything."

“Patton sits alone at lunch time and doesn’t have any friends,” the principal said. “We think if he tried to get along with his peers better, he’d have a happier time here.”

“Or, you know, you could make an effort to teach your students not to bully kids who are different from them,” I grumbled.

“What was that, Mr. Griffiths?”

I hesitated, glancing up at Principal Morozov, then back at Drew. On one hand, I wanted to lead by example: teach Drew that it was okay to stand up to authority for what he believed. On the other, sometimes, you had to pay lip-service to authority just to stay out of trouble. It was a lesson no child had the mental capacities to understand, but I supposed I’d have to do my best to teach him, because if I gave Principal Morozov cheek, he might expel Drew.

“Nothing, sir,” I said, feeling like a child cowering beneath the glare of my teachers again. I prepared to search for the bullshit in the story I was about to get fed and asked, “What happens now?”

"I'd prefer to wait for Mr. Accardo," the principal said.

"Roman teaches at a high school," the bully grumbled, slouched over with a glare fixated on the desk. "He's probably in the middle of class."

"Then you're going to have to stay after school to address this," Principal Morozov told him sternly.

"Whatever."

I had a very bad feeling about that kid. The scars on his face told a frightening story. He could just as easily be bullied for those as Drew got bullied for his ADHD and Patton for being a loner, which probably meant he turned that abuse outward and attacked others for their perceived differences in a never-ending cycle of abuse.

What? I could be bad at people and have a special interest in human psychology. Those two things were not mutually exclusive.

Suddenly, the door banged open. I jumped out of my skin, clamping a hand over my chest and struggling to breathe levelly, eyes crushed shut and body frozen. Then I heard the babbling.

"I'm sorry!" The principal's door opened. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. The kids were in the middle of rehearsal and--Janus, what happened? I'm so sorry, Mr. Morozov." A frazzled man with warm skin rushed inside and sat down next to the bully--Janus--hastily hugging him and turning his attention to the principal.

I frowned at the scene. I withheld judgment and looked at Principal Morozov as he said, "All right. Now that you're all here, there are going to be some serious consequences to what happened today."

********

"I can't believe you let him give me detention!" Drew whined. "Janus deserved to get punched!"

"And you deserve to die abandoned and unloved in a ditch, steeping in your own feces," Janus snapped.

"Janus," his father, Roman, said firmly, kneeling down and taking him by the shoulders. Janus tried to turn away from him, but Roman lightly shook him and made him meet his eyes. He softened. "I know how much you're hurting, but a hero never redirects his pain onto others. There are other ways."

"What if I don't want to be a hero?" Janus snapped. "What if I want to be the bad guy?"

"I don't believe that," Roman said gently, adjusting his bangs. "I don't think you do, either."

Janus turned from him sharply, crossing his arms and glaring at the asphalt. He sniffled.

Drew glanced up at me in confusion and I rubbed his back. "Sometimes," I said gently, "when people are hurting, they deal with that by hurting other people."

"That's stupid," Drew said with the blunt confidence of a ten-year-old.

"Maybe a little," I agreed, "but humans aren't always logical." Drew wrinkled his nose. "I know. It's so annoying, but it's true. You're not always logical, either. Remember when you burst out crying because your pencil broke?"

"Dad!" Drew turned bright red.

Roman chuckled. "So." He stood up and crossed his arms. "You're the little rascal who dared challenge Janus to a duel for--Patton, right?" He looked at Mr. Davis--or Logan, as he'd introduced himself--who nodded. "You're the rascal who challenged Janus to a duel for Patton's honor," Roman finished.

"He was being an asshole," Drew protested.

"I'd say it's not my fault he uses that language," I said through a wince, "but it's definitely my fault he uses that language."

"I'm the same way with Janus, don't worry." Roman chuckled--a low, rumbly sound. He turned back to Drew. "You're got a paladin's heart and a temper. I was a lot like you when I was a kid."

Drew snorted. "You think you're cute, don't you?"

"He's always like this," Janus said, shoving in front of Roman. "He thinks it's so inspiring to talk about heroes all the time, like fairy tales are the best thing ever."

"That's gotta be annoying," Drew said, wrinkling his nose.

"It is." Janus stopped and scowled. "Don't relate to me!"

"Ew! You're a jerk! Get away from me!"

I exchanged a fond, exasperated look with Roman, who chuckled and squeezed Janus' shoulder. "Hey," he said, "maybe, if you apologized, you could have a friend."

"I don't want to apologize."

"So you'd rather another kid think you're a horrible person!"

Janus hesitated a moment before straightened his back. "Yes."

"I don't believe that."

I glanced over at Logan and saw that he was busy talking to Patton, kneeling on the ground and smoothing his hands over his shoulders in measured strokes. It seemed to soothe Patton. I looked at Drew.

"You know how it sometimes hurts you when you think about your Aunt Cassie?" I said softly, pulling him into my side as the shadow washed over his face.

"He called Patton a freak, Dad," Drew argued. "He's not even really my friend, but he's not a freak. He's just...different. Like me."

"I know, kiddo," I said, squeezing him against my side. "You don't have to give him a chance. He hasn't asked forgiveness, and you wouldn't owe him one even if you did. I just know you don't like to see people struggling alone."

Drew hesitated.

I looked over at Logan. "How's Patton?"

Logan glanced back at me, then looked at Patton. "Do you want to answer?"

Patton hesitated.

"It's okay," I said, not looking at his face. Patton hadn't made eye contact with a single person, including his father, since I'd met him. He clearly had more trouble with it than I did, and I wasn't always a huge fan. "I'm autistic, too."

Patton immediately perked up. "Really?"

"Yeah." I smiled, looking over the top of his head. I looked at Drew. "Can I tell him about you?"

"I'm ADHD," Drew told him, turning to him. "I got diagnosed last year."

"Oh cool!" Patton flapped his hands at his sides and bounced eagerly. "I don't, I don't think, because I'm actually pretty good at focusing most of the time and I have a really good memory, but Dad says autism and ADHD are really close together. It's really nice to meet someone else! I don't have many friends."

"Well, I guess you have me," Drew said. "I didn't get in trouble defending you for nothing."

Patton squealed and continued stimming enthusiastically. Drew offered a hug, which Patton considered for a long moment before accepting.

Logan smiled softly at the exchange and looked over to me. "You've raised a very kind son."

"More than half of it is all him," I said. "I do the best I can, but...I'm just one person. He's probably gonna hate me once he's a teenager."

"Nuh-uh!" Drew objected, charging over to embrace me around the middle. I smiled and hugged him close, squeezing him as tight as was safe. He grunted.

I caught Janus staring at us. I couldn't read his expression. He was glaring, but I had a feeling it wasn't anger. But clearly, Roman did understand it, because he knelt down and hugged him close, even when he tried to push him away. He just held fast. I thought for sure Janus would react badly--he hadn't wanted to be held, what was wrong with Roman?--but then he slowly relaxed and leaned against him. I still couldn't read him very well, but that...didn't look particularly resigned.

"You know," Roman said, pulling back after a long while, "I bet Drew and Patton would be willing to forgive you if you really, really earnestly apologized."

Janus shoved away from him, crossing his arms and glaring at the ground. "I don't want to apologize."

Roman sighed heavily, and Drew whirled on him. "You're such a freaking jerk!" he screamed. "What's wrong with you? Why do you have to be a jerk to everyone? I tried to be your friend and you just spit on me!"

"I don't want your pity!"

"It wasn't pity!"

"It's always pity!" Janus screeched. "You think I don't know what these scars make me? You think I don't know I'm a freak? If the fire didn't teach me that, then my parents sure did! I'm nothing! The only reason anyone would be nice to me is pity and I don't want anyone's pity! I just want to be left alone!"

Janus turned and ran. Roman chased after him frantically, never sparing Logan or I a glance.

Drew and Patton stood stunned. Drew looked at Patton, who stared at his forehead. "Well..." he said. "What the heck am I supposed to do now?"

Patton ran in the direction of Janus.

At that point, about the only thing for Drew and I to do was chase after his new friend, hot on the heels of his father.

We found Patton with his backpack unzipped, standing beside Janus' car door, already buckled in with Roman partway into the driver's seat, holding out a picture of a flower.

"It's ivy," Patton said. "It means friendship."

Janus stared at him through the window, unmoving. Patton, to my shock, held his gaze for one, two moments and then averted his eyes. Logan hurried over to hold him, clearly expecting Janus to reject him again.

Janus opened the car door. "Why would you want to be my friend?"

"He didn't say he wanted to be your friend," Drew sneered. "He just said it meant friendship, dummy."

"Drew," I chided softly, and he recoiled into my side.

"Because it's nice to know I'm not the only one who can't make any friends," Patton said. "I like having other friends who are special."

"I'm not special," Janus snapped.

"Dad says that being different is always special, because different people have discovered some of the coolest, prettiest things ever."

"It's true," Logan said. "Albert Einstein, Hans Christian Anderson, and Michelangelo. were all autistic."

"See?" Patton bounced and beamed at Janus. "So maybe we can all be different and special together and do really cool things one day! Like the three Musketeers."

Janus considered strongly. "I'm Athos."

"You can be whoever you want to be!" Patton said earnestly. "Then we can all have lots of musketcheer."

Drew, Roman and I choked on a laugh. Logan shook his head fondly. "He watches one sitcom that likes puns and he suddenly won't stop," he said.

Even Janus cracked a small smile. He accepted the paper. "Fine," he said. "We can have musketcheer."

Drew pouted. "Does this mean I'm your friend now?"

"Yes," Patton said firmly, looking at him.

Drew jumped, looking fearfully at Patton, who somehow managed to look intimidating while also avoiding eye contact. He looked up at me. "What have I done?" he asked.

"Made friends." I rubbed his back. I looked around. "We should probably get all these guys home. They've had a long day, and school will be letting out soon."

"I guess now that all our kids are friends, I'll be seeing more of you," Roman said to both Logan and me.

Logan hummed. "I presume so. Patton does not own a phone of his own. I can give you my number if your children wish to contact him?"

"I hate to say it, but you should probably get him his own phone," I said. "It's dangerous not to have one. If I ever lost sight of Drew...I'd rather he have a phone."

Logan considered this. "I suppose you have a point. Nevertheless, for the moment, you'll have to go through me to reach Patton."

"Don't have to ask me twice. Here." Roman accepted Logan's phone and typed in Janus' number, then passing it to Drew, who stared at it for a moment.

I recited his number to him and he punched it in. "Don't worry, kid," I said. "One day, you're going to have to tell so many doctors your number that it's going to be emblazoned on your brain."

After all numbers had been exchanged, I shook Logan's and Roman's hands goodbye and let Patton and Drew embrace again. Janus stayed stubbornly in his seat, refusing any sort of affection, which kind of concerned me, but then Roman whispered, "This is the most receptive he's been since I started fostering him."

I nodded and smiled, leading Drew back toward the car. He looked at me. "I guess I have friends now."

I glanced back toward Roman's car as it drove away and caught Logan's eye as he loaded into his own. He smiled at me.

"Yeah," I said. "I think I might have, too."

#sanders sides human au #analogince #ts virgil #ts roman #ts logan #ts sides #sanders sides #ts patton #ts janus #adhd virgil #autistic logan #trans virgil #autistic virgil #kid patton #kid janus #kid oc #virgil being trans has nothing to do with the fic #it is just important to me that you know there is no such thing as a cis virgil when i'm writing him in a human AU #this mostly turned into janus angst hour #he's very young and very little and needs much therapy #i tried to write the actual chat with the principal and it did not work well #so the principal is a caricature on which i'm projecting all of my neurodiverse school troubles with authority figures onto #i did not have a fun time in school #yes most of these characters are neurodiverse #i'm not PROJECTING or anything #why ever would you think something silly like that #one ask down #many more to go #caffeine save my soul

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tyongxnct · 4 years

Text

𝑠𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 - 𝑀𝑎𝑟𝑘 𝐿𝑒𝑒

pairing: Mark Lee x reader

summary: Dating Mark Lee was wonderful- until it wasn’t. You were fighting all the time and he hurt you with his words, but this time you had enough. You couldn’t let him hurt you and accept him back whenever he said that he was sorry. You were so sick of letting him hurt you, so sick of him talking about your relationship with others behind your back. He changed so much, you probably did too, but he wasn’t the person you fell in love with anymore.

song: same old love - Selena Gomez

genre: angst, a dash of fluff

warnings: swearing, mention of sex

word count: 2,7k

A/N: this one’s a little short and I hope you enjoy it anyway! 💖 a little spoiler for the last story in my series: back to you won’t be a short fic, it’s going to be a full fic with (currently) over 7k words and I’m not finished yet! If you want to be added to the taglist send me an ask! 🥰

taglist: @alex-chann, @aesthetichrj

Take away your things and go You can't take back what you said, I know I've heard it all before, at least a million times I'm not one to forget, you know

“Leave. Take all of your things and go.”

“No, baby, fuck. I didn’t mean-“ Mark stepped forward and you stepped backwards. It broke his heart. “What? You didn’t mean it? It’s not your first time saying that Mark. I’ve had enough. We’re going in circles, it needs to stop!”

It wasn’t the first time that Mark told you that he’s sick of you and that he wished that he never dated you in the first place.

“I love you, baby. Believe me, I was just angry and-“

“frustrated- I know, it’s always the same excuse Mark. I know that you don’t love me, so please, just leave. Find someone you love and who treats you better, apparently I’m not enough.”

“I do! I do love you! Just hear me out, please!” Mark was crying, you weren’t even crying.

“Why are you crying? I’m letting you go Mark, you don’t have to force yourself to stay with me anymore.” Your heart clenched, your hands formed to fists, nails dug into your soft skin.

“I love you…” he whispered, “I love you so much, please give me one last chance.” He begged. “Did you love me when you told Johnny that I was so annoying? Did you love me when you told Jaehyun that you’re sick of having sex with me, sick of me calling you and texting you? Sick of me asking you about your day and worrying about you? Did you love me when you told Mina, that we aren’t serious? How can you love me when we aren’t even serious?”

Mark looked defeated, “H-how did you-“

“Is that important? You talked to them every time I was with you, you wanted me to hear that. You want me to break up with you because you are a fucking coward.”

“I-I never wanted you to hear that- I just, I don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry, please. I’m begging you, give me one last chance. I love you. I really love you so much, I can’t do it without you. I need you in my life.” Mark wiped away his tears with his hands, but the tears were still rolling down his cheeks.

“I’ll never forget how you treated me, how much you hate me. You made me think it was my fault- that I was the one who destroyed this relationship, but it wasn’t me. It was you, and now, take your things and go. We’re done.” You didn’t allow the tears to fall until you entered the bathroom, closed the door, and locked it.

I don't believe, I don't believe it You left in peace, left me in pieces Too hard to breathe, I'm on my knees Right now

You fell on your knees, your hand was on your mouth, covering your whimpers and sobs. It hurt, you loved him so much it broke you apart. You felt your chest tighten, the pain filled your body and there was nothing you could do to stop the pain.

“I-I love you. So much.” Mark was on the other side of the door, his hand was on the doorknob, he couldn’t hold you anymore, it was over now. Mark was still crying as he held his bag tightly and hoped that you’d open the door and jump in his arms, for one last time.

He could hear you, your sobs were loud, you were never good in hiding your emotions. Your eyes filled with tears and pain. “I’m sorry.” And with that, he walked out of your apartment and left.

You couldn’t breathe, the hand that covered your mouth before, was now holding your chest tightly. Your eyes were wide, were you having a panic attack? The bathroom suffocated you, the walls came closer and closer and you were having a hard time controlling your breathing.

Your curled up and closed your eyes, you tried to think of happy memories. Yeah, you had happy memories with Mark, not just bad memories. The first time you had met him was your favorite memory of him.

I'm so sick of that same old love, that shit, it tears me up I'm so sick of that same old love, my body's had enough I'm so sick of that same old love, feels like I've blown apart I'm so sick of that same old love, the kind that breaks your heart

You’ve met Mark on a blind date your friend had arranged for you almost two and a half years ago. She told you that you were a perfect match and after two weeks of begging you to meet him, you said yes. It wouldn’t hurt right?

“He’s a little bit shy, okay maybe not a little bit, but like, you know, he’s cute you’ll love him.” Your friend said as she helped you with your make up. “I’m shy too! What If we just sit there and don’t talk?” you said worriedly.

“No, he will talk. Maybe even a little too much.”

You looked through the restaurant and looked for the man in blue. The two of you decided to wear a matching color since you still didn’t know what he looked like, and he told you to wear blue because it was his favorite color.

Your gaze met his, and your brain stopped working because he looked so handsome and cute at the same time. Mark’s smile widened as he watched you walk over to him. His palms were sweaty, and he was absolutely nervous.

“Hey, Mark?” you said nervously.

“Yeah, hi. I’m Mark. Wow you’re way prettier than I imagined.” He rambled and you smiled at him shyly. “Oh yeah right.” He got up and helped you with your chair like a gentleman. “Thank you.”

“Uhm, I ordered red wine, but like, if you want to drink something else, like, champagne or something tell me.” He was talking so fast and you could see how nervous he was, just like you.

“No, no. Red wine is totally fine.”

“Yeah, uhm, Minsoo told me that you like red wine, but I thought maybe you’d like to drink something else.” He rambled again. “Am I talking too much? I feel like I’m talking too much.”

“No,” you giggled, “You’re not talking too much don’t worry.”

“That’s good, my friends told me to shut up, but I feel like I can’t stop talking. Did I tell you that you’re really pretty?” Mark didn’t even notice the waiter looking at him with his mouth wide open, “Thank you, Mark. You are very handsome.”

The waiter looked to you and then back to Mark as you and Mark just looked at each other without saying anything. The waiter cleared his throat, “Sir, would you like to order now?”

And after ordering, your night was filled with smiles, giggles, and loud laughs. Mark was so funny and cute the whole time, and when you held his hand, which was resting on top of the table, his cheeks started burning and you just wanted to squish his cheeks.

“You’re so adorable.” You smiled at him shyly. “And you’re so gorgeous.”

You were in front of your apartment, even though you didn’t want the night to end, but it was almost 1 am and you had classes the next day. “I had so much fun tonight, Mark. Thank you so much.”

“Me too. And uhm, I really would love to do it again.” He blushed a little. “Me too. You have my number?”

He nodded and you couldn’t resist, so you tiptoed and kissed his cheek before you entered your apartment, “Good night, Mark.”

I'm not spending any time, wasting tonight on you I know, I've heard it all So don't you try and change your mind 'Cause I won't be changing too, you know

You woke up on the bathroom floor. After crying for hours and trying to calm yourself down, you fell asleep. You fell asleep with a smile on your face, the memories you shared with Mark were beautiful, almost too good to be true. But after everything you’ve been through, you didn’t want to wallow in memories. Even it’s just for one night, you wanted to stop feeling sad and down, you just wanted to be happy and think about yourself first. No more thoughts on Mark’s wellbeing, no more going through pictures of him on your phone and no more texting him that you missed him.

You were determined, your relationship with Mark was over, and he wouldn’t change your mind this time, like he always did. This time, you had enough.

You can't believe, still can't believe it You left in peace, left me in pieces Too hard to breathe, I'm on my knees Right now

“H-Hyung, I just- fuck.” Mark cried into his palms. Johnny knew that your relationship with Mark was about to end, after everything Mark had told him, he didn’t think he’d see his friend crying like this after you broke up with him. “I just can’t believe it, I-I thought that we’d be together forever, no matter w-what.”

“Mark, isn’t this what you wanted?” Johnny asked carefully.

Mark shook his head, “I-I don’t know what I wanted, I only know that I want her b-but she’ll never want me back.”

“You said it yourself though, that you were sick-“

“I know what I said!” he shouted at his friend, “I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to shout at you, but like, I know what I said and If I could take it back I would. I just feel so… so empty without her. I think… I think I was scared that she’d stop loving me first and that’s why I pushed her away.”

“That’s literally the dumbest thing you could’ve done.” Johnny sighed.

“She didn’t even cry. S-She looked so, so done. Done with me and done with everything, like she fell apart and it’s all because of me.”

Mark couldn’t breathe, his heart clenched, and he gripped his shirt, everything suffocated him. He remembered your emotionless face and the emptiness in your eyes, and this time it was Mark who was on his knees, having a panic attack.

I'm so sick of that same old love, that shit, it tears me up I'm so sick of that same old love, my body's had enough

I'm so sick of that same old love, feels like I've blown apart I'm so sick of that same old love, the kind that breaks your heart

A couple weeks after your fight with Mark, you found yourself alone at home, an empty bottle of wine next to your empty bed.

He didn’t try to contact you. The only information you had about him was that he stayed with Johnny. Johnny sent a simple text, telling you that he was sorry and that Mark was in safe hands, since he knew, that you after everything still cared for him.

You didn’t cry after the last time you cried. It’s going to be a long journey until you close the big chapter labeled ‘Mark’ and you hoped that it’s going to be a peaceful journey, but after tonight, you weren’t sure if there was a possible future without Mark in it.

Suddenly you heard sounds coming from your door. Didn’t you lock it? Who is trying to get into your apartment? It was past midnight and with a pan in your one hand, you slowly walked to the door.

Of course, it was him. Mark still had your spare key and he forgot to ask for your permission before he entered.

You let out the breath you were holding. “What are you doing here? Did you forget anything?”

Mark looked at you and then at he pan in your hand. “Are you going to hit me with it? I’ll let you do it If you listen to me for just a minute.”

“N-No I’m not going to hit you with. I thought you were a thief.”

You put the pan on top of the little shelf next to your door. “A-Are you scared alone?” he asked you.

The truth is, yes you were. You were scared of being alone, scared of darkness.

“N-No?”

“You don’t have to lie to me, I know that you’re scared. I’m sorry.”

“What are you doing here? I don’t think you came just to ask me If I’m scared.”

“I needed to talk to you, I know it’s late and stuff, but like, yeah I just- I couldn’t sleep nor eat and yeah, I, uhm-“

“Mark you’re rambling.” He reminded you of the time your first started dating, how nervous he was and how he couldn’t stop talking because he hated awkward silence.

“Yeah, I am. Sorry, I just want to talk.”

“I don’t think there is anything to talk about, Mark.” You sighed. “There is. I can’t survive another week without telling you how much you actually mean to me.” He whispered.

“Mark I really don’t want to do this-“

“Please, just one minute. Just one minute.” He held your hand, and you didn’t push away. You missed his touch. “Fine. Just one minute.”

“First of all, I love you. I really do. Since the second I saw you enter that restaurant, I knew that I loved you and I can remember how much of an idiot I was, like, the entire night, but you still kissed me goodbye on the cheek and my heart was about to explode. I thanked Minsoo so much and I still thank her for introducing you to me. I was like, a blind date? How’s that going to work? And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I pushed you away, I was an asshole and I hurt you so much, but I’m an insecure, stupid pussy and I can’t believe I had you, but then I let you slip through my fingers. I didn’t know how to hold your hand and I didn’t know how to make clear, that I need you. The things I told the others, I don’t think that I was actually complaining because If I think about it now, my heart flutters and I can feel the butterflies in my belly jumping around. You cared about me like no one else did and I missed you so much, I just can’t lose you. Your my first and only love, I don’t want anyone but you.”

You were crying, he was crying, Johnny was probably at home crying too.

“M-Mark…” you whimpered, you didn’t know what to say.

“P-Please just give me a chance to gain your love and t-trust back.” He wiped your tears away with his soft hand.

“I’m… I’m so sick of being hurt, I’m so sick of it, Mark. I can’t take anymore pain, I’m so sick of suffering and not being loved, I-I just want to be loved. You h-hurt me so much the past months, I don’t think my body and soul can handle it I-If I go through that again…” you sobbed.

“You won’t need to- Baby, I promise you, I’ll never ever treat you like that again. I won’t let you suffer, not again. I love you I love you so much. I love you please believe me, I love you.”

Mark wrapped his arms around you as you cried into the crook of his neck. He repeated over and over again that he loved you as you both cried together, arms wrapped around each other and hearts connected again.

“One last chance, and if you fuck up again, you’ll never get to see my face again.” You whispered.

“I won’t fuck up, I promise you. The days without you were torture. Being without you is torture.”

“C-Can we take it slow, Mark? I feel like… I feel like if we rush things you’ll get sick of me again…” you were scared that giving him another chance was a mistake.

“No, no baby. Don’t ever think that again, okay? We can take it slow if you want that, but I don’t want you think that I’ll get sick of you, I could never. Being away from you was so hard, I don’t want that to happen ever again.” Mark pressed his lips on your temple.

“Okay…”

“Do you want to go on a date with me? Are you free on Friday?” he asked you and you chuckled.

“I’m not sure, I have to check my schedule.” You teased him.

“Babe…” Mark whined.

“I’m just joking.”

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