#it’s a shame because I was a little psyched for this episode

[mugiwara-lucy]

My thoughts on the Fifth Gear debut episode?

I know this is unpopular but I found it a bit disappointing and underwhelming.

Now between all the over the top flashy effects, them reusing the Gear 5 animation multiple times, the Hiyori stuff taking up a good deal of the episode along with Luffy bouncing around so much it was wasting time….this episode does NOT stack up to previous Ishigani episodes imho and AT BEST it’s a 7.5/10.

Now I don’t dislike this episode and think it’s a good, fun episode but it does NOT stack up to the juggernauts of Episodes 1015, 982 and DEFINITELY Episode 957 imho.

[abitcaughtinthemiddle]

The Hypocrisy of Vex'ahlia

Before you all come for me, I am a Vex stan and I will defend her until I die - she is my favorite Critical Role character and I'm so glad we're getting a deeper dive into her psyche.

The complexities of her character cannot be overstated. She has a lot going on under the surface, and the breadcrumbs of her deep-seated insecurities have been there the whole time.

I'm really excited we get to explore those in season 3 through her relationship with Percy, in a way different than what we've seen in the actual play streams. I want to commend the writers for being able to convey so much in so little time.

We are introduced to Vex as a sexy, confident woman who uses her looks and charisma to her advantage. She takes charge most of the time, being the unofficial "leader" of Vox Machina. She presents herself as someone who doesn't really need anyone else and does not care about anyone outside of her brother. Keyleth even comments on this in the first episode, "Vex and Vax only care about themselves".

This, of course, is a complete fabrication, a mask she wears to hide her insecurities. A mask, she wants no one to see through. The irony here is that she can so easily see behind Percy's mask - "Darling, take off the mask". It takes one to know one, after all.

She so badly wants to get underneath Percy's mask, for him to show himself to her fully. There's something inside of her that sees the guilt and shame inside of him and that resonates with her belief that she is deeply broken. Vex truly believes that something must truly be wrong with her. And why wouldn't she? Saundor, who said he knew everything about her, saw this, too, after all.

Saundor says plainly, "you will never be enough."

So it must be true, right?

Why wouldn't something be so wrong with her? It would make sense. Her father carries no love for her, her mother died, and Vax had to sacrifice his life for hers. She knows Vax loves her, and she believes he is the only one who does. Even Kamaljiori, an ancient and all-knowing Sphinx, fed into this during their test when Vax fell: "you have no family left who cares for you".

Her hypocrisy lies in the facade she built as a woman who does not need anyone or anything. She presents herself as someone who does not need the love of others, when in reality, she desperately wants to be loved.

Saundor saw this as well.

Vex longs to love and be loved. And yet, she cannot allow herself to give up her facade and let Percy love her and admit her love for him.

The last person to see through her walls was Saundor, and we know how that went.

What he said really cut her deep, as we see after the Kevdak fight when she brushes off Pike's inquiries about her experience in the fey realm.

As we see her relationship with Percy move from harmless flirting to physical intimacy at the beginning of season 3, we see her embrace the physical closeness to Percy but starts to block him out the moment he wants to cement their relationship. But she can't let herself tell him how she feels because that would mean admitting her heart is his - and that would be doomed to end in tragedy, as Vex admits later in the cave.

Putting up this emotional wall between her and Percy will not give Vex what she wants: love.

Love is that emotional intimacy. Vex loves to point out the importance of love between other people- in season 2, pushing Keyleth to tell Vax how she feels ("it always matters"), assuring Allura that Kima's love for her will help her endure after Vorugal's attack, and putting faith in the rest of Vox Machina.

Vex understands what makes love so special, and how important truth and intimacy are to real, lasting love.

And while she comforts others and pushes them to be vulnerable and embrace love, her own fears prevent her from fully doing the same. It's ironic and sad, how one of the only people who can see through her mask is the one she's pushing away.

Trauma makes hypocrites of us all.

Image credits @blorbologist @aq2003

[thewickedkat]

long post incoming; meta enthusiasts may wish to digest this in chunks.

i am so completely exasperated with Laudna as of the latest episode. however, i temper that exasperation with my enjoyment as a viewer; indeed, i am feasting on the conflict, thinking finally, some good fucking food, because i think (and have always thought) that Laudna is terrifically interesting as a character and she presents wonderful opportunities for growth not only on her end, but as a catalyst for others.

that being said. the sword. how she handled it. how she handled her own trauma bubbling up, how she handled (or didn't) Delilah, how she handled Orym and Chetney and Dorian and the whole miserable mess she made.

it was selfish. there. i said it. you may disagree with me, i care not, but her course of action was terribly selfish and destructive.

i know many people out there have been likening her behaviour to that of an addict's (and there are many common factors there: the hiding, the lying by omission, the shame, the acquiescence to bad behaviour), but i think in some ways that to do so is reductive, and also removes agency from Laudna herself.

she is allowing her trauma to almost make her decisions for her, allowing it to define her, and she is not giving herself the opportunity to realise that growth beyond it is possible--or, perhaps, she does realise this and is simply too afraid to reach out and grasp it. i think even if Delilah weren't trying to subsume her, Laudna would still be self-sabotaging and self-destructive and still try to hide the parts of her she felt were undesirable; Delilah in many ways simply makes it easier for Laudna to do so and, if pressed, provides a rationalisation for Laudna's choices and actions (as in 'it wasn't me, it was her, she made me do it).

first and foremost, Laudna was a victim of heinous trauma, being murdered and then being put on grotesque display. then she was further traumatised in coming back from the dead and being forced to isolate herself from people for many years, with only Delilah's honeysweet venom dripping into her ear for that time. then she is murdered again as an object lesson for the woman she loves, then stuffed down so deep into her own psyche by the one who first killed her; she is fought for and brought back by her friends...who then seem to do little to check in with her, to make sure she is stable, or coping, because they each have their own baggage and oh by the way, the world is possibly ending. to be fair, there is little time for therapy and stability when you are literally running from crisis to crisis and trying to stop something you haven't even conceived of in your nightmares.

she feels dismissed, often, minimised, and she never developed healthy people skills or coping mechanisms (i am sorry but as much as i love Pâté, a dead rat does not a support group make). so she lashes out, has poor emotional regulation, and Does Crappy Things. so i also understand when she said 'what else have i to give, but myself?'

all that being said. what she did with Orym and the sword was fucking selfish. she is behaving like a child, as if she is the only one whose tragedies matter; she's playing Oppression Olympics, and can i just point out that Orym was the one to say 'i'm sorry' but Laudna never apologised for accosting him while he slept and hurting him? saying 'i didn't mean to hurt you' is not the same, because that implies that if she had not hurt him, stealing from him was perfectly acceptable and reasonable.

i don't believe her when she said 'i accept responsibility' because that means one must accept the consequences of their own actions, and right after she said that, she argued with everyone, told the oldest member of the Hells that he had no right to talk about loss to her, and then fled. that isn't accepting responsibility; that is mouthing platitudes in the hopes you will sway others to your point of view and when it fails, leaving in a huff like a child having a tantrum.

she didn't even bother to ask Orym why he kept the sword. she just tried to take.

Laudna often reacts from a place of fear: of pain, of more trauma, fear of inadequacy, of loss. all of these fears are valid. they are understandable, given all that has happened to her. but just because her fears are valid does not give her the right to make others pay for her emotional baggage. this is what makes her behaviour in ep 95 selfish. all of her actions in the back half of that episode are things she chose to do, and now she must sit in the mess she made. Laudna seems to be falling into the same mental rut that many victims fall into when their trauma isn't dealt with in a healthy fashion: they start fucking others over, as if being a victim excuses it. it does not.

and before others come for me, i say that as one who used to do the same fucking thing but i was lucky enough to have therapy. Laudna doesn't have that luxury--none of the Hells do. there simply isn't time to make space for any of their issues, not just Laudna's. Imogen is still wrestling with her mother; Fearne is wrestling with her parentage; Orym is just trying to keep his feet under him and do what he feels is right without betraying anyone he cares for (yes, including Laudna, shut up); Ashton is still trying to process the loss of Fresh Cut Grass (for gods' sakes, the crafting night was a fucking wake for the lil guy); Dorian just lost his brother and watched his friend succumb to a Betrayer God that turned her into a monster; and Chetney? Chetney is an old man who, i personally think, can pick his battles and knows how to compartmentalise better than any of these kids.

Laudna is not unique in that she has suffered horribly. no one is saying she hasn't, but her behaviour implies that she believes they are saying that. her actions imply she believes not only that she does not trust her friends (thanks, Dorian), but that acknowledging others' losses somehow negates hers. there just isn't time to healthily process any of this, which sucks. it does. i do think her friends love her, care for her deeply, and i think part of the reason they haven't checked up on her as much as they could is because a) they're afraid that her problem with Delilah is much worse than they thought (duh, it is); b) they can't fix the Delilah Problem right now even if they were qualified to do so (even Pike couldn't scour that bitch out of Laudna, she said as much); and c) they run the very substantial risk of wholly alienating Laudna if they press the issue too hard, thus not only losing an asset in the fight against the Vanguard and Ludinus, but also a friend and lover.

it's shit, all around, we all know that. but to pretend that it's okay she did what she did to Orym--or worse, somehow transfer responsibility from her onto him and make it his fault--is infantilising and disingenuous at best, and more than a little insulting.

[bombshellsandbluebells]

Psych is SO good at creating memorable, fun minor characters for single episodes that it's such a shame it's a classic network cable show that rarely brings back minor guest stars (and even those that DO return only really return for a handful of episodes overall)

Ewan is iconic and his chemistry with Shawn and Gus is so fun I'm dying to see more spy shenanigans with him and dying to know more about his relationship with Juliet

Gus's college friends are absolutely hilarious and their dynamic with Gus is so much fun as well as their growing friendship with Shawn and it's truly a shame we only saw them twice

Shawn and Gus's old high school friend Dennis??? THE Freddy Prince Jr? Alien conspiracy nerd who has not grown out of his alien obsession one bit despite growing up to be stereotypically attractive? iconic and I can't believe he's only in one episode

Adam Hornstock??? Only one episode of Adam Hornstock?? (remake doesn't count) you're telling me that despite how many times Shawn ends up in legal trouble he is never calling up his buddy to get him out of it?

Abigail Lytar? An angel and a joy literally anytime she's on screen, who has such great chemistry with Shawn and Gus and Henry, and somehow despite being Shawn's girlfriend for a full year appears in like....what, five? six? episodes overall? (would have killed for a Gus/Abigail team up episode. like Abigail needs someone to help volunteer for something or other at the school and all the parents have pulled out for whatever reason and Gus insists he's an expert at whatever topic they're talking about so to win an argument with Shawn he agrees to it then can't back out. Cue scenes of Gus learning how to handle kids and making several comments that's it's just like handling Shawn. also cue a murder happening at the school or on the field trip or whatever it is and Gus having to solve it. frequent cutting to Shawn being bored out of his mind without Gus or Abigail there)

That one Wiccan or witch lady that was SERIOUSLY crushing on Gus. Who also had a brother convinced he was a werewolf and girl just BELIEVED him. Would have paid extra for an arc where Gus and her start dating after that episode and Gus is pulling his classic "getting way outside his comfort zone and being someone he's not for a woman" thing. (the cutest thing is I think she would have liked him just as is.) She encourages AAAALLLLL his fears about ghosts, vampires, curses, etc. etc. Gus spends an entire episode convinced he got Cursed by the Jamba Juice truck guy because he didn't tip

Father Wesley. Not a character on paper that should be as fun as he is, but the actor playing him just has such fantastic chemistry with both Shawn and Gus. (And he's absolutely hilarious in the Dual Spires episode. Definitely has the best line of the episode)

like Psych is so good at writing fun compelling characters with their own little unique character traits that I end up falling in love with characters only meant to be plot relevant to the episode

[pico-farad]

I hit episode 90 of Vrains! Season 2 is long, so I'm stopping here to put down some thoughts.

But before that, I wanted say that I was blown away by the response to Secret Identities AU! I didn't even know the Vrains fandom was still alive, but clearly I was mistaken. I plan to make a part 2 going over more characters and changes I'd make, but I'm going to hold off until I've finished the series, so that I can factor in the larger arc of the story.

For now though, here's my thoughts on the second third of Vrains (up to Aoi vs. Bohman). I had too much to say again, so this part will cover Soulburner and Flame.

Critique is meant in good taste. I don't think the Vrains writers will be offended.

All Vrains season analysis posts

⇀ Soulburner

Well, I saw this coming. With a protagonist like Yusaku, the writers need a character who can engage him and generally fill up that "Yugioh friend" role, which was sorely missing in Season 1. Naoki, Go, or Ai? Not marketable enough. They needed to make an anime boy, and they sure did.

That said, I was expecting more from Yusaku and Soulburner's relationship, it's a little... nondescript. They had the same problem in season 1, where the writers don't leave room for the characters to just be characters and bounce off each other, it's all just plot and duels and exposition. At least season 1 had the excuse of Yusaku's trauma alienating him from others, but not only has Yusaku already resolved to overcoming that barrier, but Soulburner is one of the only people who can connect with him because of that experience.

I really would have liked to see them connect more on both being victims of the Lost Incident. Season 1's emotional conflict resolved with Yusaku putting his trauma behind him, so Season 2 needs a new emotional conflict. This would be an excellent use of Soulburner's character, except they've made the strange decision that Soulburner has also already overcome his trauma... offscreen.

Don't get me wrong, the Soulburner vs. Blood Shepherd episodes are good. Having Soulburner and Flame trick Blood Shepherd with their acting is a fine gotcha, but think about what we could have gotten if Takeru was allowed to grow through the story itself -- Yusaku and Flame both encouraging him, Takeru finding strength in Yusaku, the only person he knows who has been though the same trauma as him, but was able to stand up to Hanoi nonetheless. Instead, we don't even get to see Yusaku's reaction to Soulburner's backstory, he's stuck outside the bubble.

I can see why people like him though. Both his designs are good, he gets some funny lines, some good duels. I like his trait of fanboying over the heroes who saved Vrains, EXCEPT that the duels vs. Go and Blue Girl were unforgivable and I WILL go deep into that in their sections, mark my words anime boy.

Most of all though, I like his relationship with Flame.

⇀ Flame

He's funny. Like if Jack was five inches tall. I like how he just casually puts words in Soulburner's mouth. ("Prepare yourself! Soulburner never shows mercy!" "What? I didn't say that." "You didn't?") Flame thinks he's the Ratatouille rat in this relationship, both of them think they're the one calling the shots, and that's great.

I wish that element of their relationship had come back in the Soulburner vs. Windy duel, which is another case of introducing an interesting challenge for the characters -- in this case, the idea that Flame should want to be independent of Soulburner -- only to once again go Psych! Bamboozled! They were just acting the whole time!

Ah yeah, they sure tricked me into thinking we would get some good character development...

It's a shame, because I think Windy actually does raise an interesting point. The audience is biased towards thinking of Soulburner as the one who calls the shots -- he's the one who plays the cards, who declares attacks and announces effects, while Flame is the one who looks like a mascot and provides standard Yugioh audience commentary. It makes complete sense for Windy to instill doubt in Flame this way, because the conflict between the Ignis and humans is that humans think AI should only serve humans, and Ignis believe in their own free will.

For reference, here is the exchange that happens (paraphrased) after Soulburner refuses to listen to Flame's advice not to set a card (though this is just part of the act)

Windy: Don't you want to fight using your own will, Flame? Partners are just a nuisance. That's why I got rid of mine. Soulburner: Nuisance? During the Lost Incident, the captured spent every day in an unimaginable situation. Despair, day after day... When we were freed, we were so happy that our hope became reality! But you stole that away from your partner because you thought he was a nuisance? Flame: Windy, we were able to be created because they spent day after day enduring despair. We should be thanking them. We have no right to steal their hope!

Flame's rebuttal to Windy is so bizarrely essentialist. The Ignis don't owe anything to the Lost Incident victims, much less gratitude. They didn't ask to be created, and they are not responsible for the crimes of SOL. The message should have been something like "I chose Soulburner with my own free will."

Flame does not owe Takeru anything, but he chooses to be his partner, because the whole point of the Ignis is that they have free will. That is the proper resolution to Windy asking "Don't you want to fight using your own will?" The answer is no, they choose to fight together. Even if Soulburner appears to be the one calling the shots because he wears the duel disk, they are equals, and the reason Soulburner takes the lead is because Flame trusts him. 5D telepathy chess undercuts that.

⇀ Lost Incident Victims, and Alternate Season 2 thoughts

The more I think about it, the more I wish they used the different Lost Incident victims to explore different reactions to trauma. Yusaku used it to fuel him and his revenge, Takeru went down a route of self-sabotage and lashing out, Jin shut himself down, and Spectre, uh, decided to be Like That lmao.

Here's the set-up that I would have done for Season 2: after Jin is kidnapped, Yusaku decides to seek out the other Lost Incident victims to see if any of them have been targeted too, which could give them a clue on how to get Jin back. This is how he meets Takeru. 

Yusaku has to learn how to connect with people, which follows up on the season 1 finale, where he resolves to open himself up to others and tells Revolver that he wants to be friends. By befriending Takeru and helping him overcome his trauma, and eventually the other Lost Incident victims too, it builds up to the reprise of Yusaku vs. Revolver, where Yusaku finally succeeds in connecting with Revolver, who he realizes is another victim of the Lost Incident.

Jin and Miyu get to be actual characters this way, too, rather than just damsel devices. I'd also pay to see the deranged interactions Spectre would have with Yusaku.

[princessfbi]

okey so i need some tv recs for this hiatus 911 fan overall procedure fans i guess that's all the vibe i can think of to ask lol so hit me with your recs

EXCELLENT! So glad you’ve come to me Nonnie. I am honored. This is in no particular order but in terms of general procedurals with similar 911 vibes I’ve got a couple:

1. Sirens

It’s about a paramedic team in Chicago and it’s fucking hilarious. We're talking laugh out loud can still quote it from memory hilarious. There’s two seasons and each episode is about 25 minutes so it’s easy to get through. There is a British counterpart that is also funny but it’s definitely a different tone for sure.

**If you were a fan of Arrow then you'll recognize Josh Segarra

***Also you can scream with me and @lucydonato about the show

2. ER

I always describe 911 to people as ER for first responders. Part of that is because it’s so episodic. It gets really melodramatic at times and there are a LOT of story lines but for the most part the general stakes keep to one episode at a time and the show gives you permission to let things go which is nice. I’m a fan of the earlier seasons as opposed to the later seasons but Angela Bassett is in the last season. Lots of great guest spots and very character driven.

**Characters do die in this show so be aware of MCD warnings. No one is safe in that show. Except maybe Noah Wylie but that's cus it's Noah Wylie.

3. Numb3rs

It’s an awesome crime procedural with a twist on it. The oldest brother, Don, is an FBI agent who has his baby brother, Charlie, help him solve crime using math. This show has all the tropes too. Brother relationship, found family, etc etc.

4. Psych

It’s a procedural with a much lighter tone. Shawn pretends to be psychic and solves crime. It’s chaotic and messy and wonderful and perfect.

**Gives me coming home from the pool and vegging on the couch summer vibes.

5. Castle

On the same side of the coin, it’s another procedural with a twist. Castle is a successful mystery novelist who helps solve crime. Nathan Fillion for those fans of The Rookie and there's a lot powerful female characters in it.

6. Murder, She Wrote

MSW walked so that Castle could run. This is an oldie but a good. Angela Lansbury is a mystery writer who solves crime. It’s super cool knowing that she insisted on hiring a lot of older guest stars so that they could continue to be in the union and get their benefits. Also omg the 80s/90s wardrobe. There's also a couple of episodes with other detectives and crime solvers when Angela started to get tired carrying the weight of quality television on her shoulders.

7. Drop Dead Diva

THIS is such a good law procedural. It has the added bonus as having the same casting director as 911 so you’ll see a lot of familiar faces. But Deb is a model who died and got reincarnated in the body of a plus size lawyer named Jane and it’s the most wonderful little nugget that just existed in its own space. It was SO ahead of it's time on certain issues and it deals with a variety of topics such as body shaming, slut shaming, mental health, etc in such a kind and compassionate and positive way.

**Gives me late summer 'I haven't moved from the couch and omg it's season three' vibes

8. Scorpion

A team of geniuses (with neurodivergent representation in action genre scenarios) who help solve crime and crisis situations for homeland security. Lots of found family feelings! SO MANY! Big time character driven show.

9. White Collar

A white collar criminal agrees to help solve crime with the FBI agent who arrested him. Neal is so whumpable and it's one of the few times I've seen a fandom really embrace the idea of a poly relationship in fanon? Idk I wasn't really in it but the fics I saw all seemed to agree that no one would complain if Peter, Neal, and Elizabeth all lived happily ever after with their golden retriever. NOW, I will say this is a Jeff Eastin show and he has a tendency to take the amazing female characters in the show, throw them in a blender, and then bring them back as Frankenstein's monster bride and act like he didn't just ruin their character and it drives me fucking insane. BUT those first couple of seasons are fantastic.

Ask Me for TV Recs To Get You Through Hiatus

[elliegoose]

Big mental health/life post, because i really wanna put this stuff down on the page and could use the feeling of being heard right about now.

in the summer because of some unfortunate stuff i moved halfway across the country to live with my parents. then some other stuff happened that ended up incidentally triggering some really extreme bipolar episodes--that's why i was in the psych ward a couple months ago and also why i took an unannounced hiatus from this blog for most of october--and ever since then i've been just... struggling kind of a lot.

i feel disconnected from my art, my sexuality, cooking, music, and most things that have been important to me. i don't feel the sense of home that i used to have out in texas. i'm anxious and down most of the time. i feel especially disconnected from the kink communities that used to be kind of the center of my online social life. this has been a particularly difficult emotional blow to endure and a particularly large reason why i've felt so awful.

in the past month, i've developed an inexplicable social anxiety that's horrible to deal with as someone who's normally very outgoing and who used to find socializing very easy. now, though, i'm often just filled with self-doubt and panic while trying to socialize with people, which is making it incredibly difficult to keep building the new friendships i've started to foster out here in my new city.

i'm just doing the best i can every day, attending my IOP program, applying the skills i've been learning there as diligently as possible, keeping up with my hobbies (for as disconnected as i feel from art i'm still doing quite a bit of it, and picking up the banjo has done so much to sustain what little of my mental health i still have), getting out into nature, going to a lot of fun events (drag shows, happy hours, full moon rituals, ttrpg/boardgame nights, furry meetups, folk musician meetups, etc.) and hanging out with the folks i meet there as often as i'm able even despite all my newfound social anxiety, but even with all that i'm just... persistently in emotional pain that i don't know how to effectively alleviate.

i know part of it is that i'm out of work, and i know having a job will give my life more structure, but i also know that's not the whole of what's happening here. i've been out of work before and it's not affected me this badly. it's also that i'm lonely, deeply unsure of myself after making some unwise decisions and having to face so many of my flaws, grappling with my disproportionate senses of shame, anxiety, and responsibility, yearning for more purpose and autonomy than i currently have, wanting to feel like i'm contributing to something larger than myself, and anxious after going through so much chaos and repeated disruption and loss.

i'm glad my IOP demands sobriety because it's been a struggle to not use alcohol as a crutch.

fucking... life. it's been a goddamn year for sure.

[linesonscreens]

Let's Read Peanuts (Fat-shaming Charlie Brown since 2023) – May 1959

There are lots of great strips I just don't have room to comment on. I strongly encourage everybody to read along at the official GoComics page or by purchasing the Fantagraphics hardcover collections.

May 2, 1959

May 9, 1959

Terrible. Just terrible. At least throw some skulls in there or something. Good sadbrains art should make your teacher wonder if it’s safe to let you come to class.

May 10, 1959

This is actually a pretty good art(life?) lesson. Things are rarely exactly how you imagine them so it’s important to actually go out and check from time to time.

May 18, 1959

I THINK she’s talking about the world record for cramming people into a phone booth which made the newspapers in March of 1959. That said, if that’s the case Schulz fudged the numbers a bit because the record I found was for only 25 people.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phonebooth_stuffing

May 20, 1959

Did you know that Charlie Brown’s pencil-pal is actually a little girl in Scotland? No, really. That's actually canon (how dare you call me a liar!). There was going to be a TV special about it and everything that got scrapped after Schulz died but eventually got adapted into a graphic novel. 

And yes, of course I’ve read it.

It’s… kind of boring.

May 24, 1959

At this point Lucy actually can’t stop bullying Linus because the second she shows even tiniest hint of weakness he’ll eat her alive.

May 25, 1959

Wait, why is his mom in the hospital? What on earth i-OH SHIT! SERIOUSLY!?

I legit didn’t think that this happened in this decade.

May 26, 1959

I love how psyched he is about this. :3

Anyways, I hope you all weren’t expecting to actually ~see~ Sally anytime soon because it’s going to be a while. 

Thoughts:

I kind of hate how that baseball storyline ends. There’s a LOT of buildup to this super important game over the course of three whole weeks (which might make this the longest storyline so far) but then the game just sort of happens offscreen with zero fanfare and it all just kind of fizzles out. What exactly was learned here? What was the point of it all?

This kind of thing is actually a pretty common issue with longer-form Peanuts stories like the movies or specials. A storyline that only takes a week can function just fine as a simple series of riffs on a concept but the longer a story becomes the more you start needing things like character arcs or setups and payoffs to give the thing some structure, and those just aren’t things Schulz is great at. 

In this case we have a story where the kids are actually invested in winning for once, but are still pretty bad and know it. If this were a more traditional episode of television the payoff for this would have been either them discovering some hidden inner strength and winning in spite of the odds (blasphemy, I agree), still losing but taking away some sort of life lesson, or losing in a funny way due to some pre-established character flaw. For example, maybe Charlie Brown’s lack of faith in his team blows up in his face when he insists on making a catch for Lucy, but ends up fumbling it himself and losing the entire game. But none of these things occur. The most obvious outcome just sort of happens and then we move on. 

The thing I thought of the most when this storyline wrapped up was actually the end of A Boy Named Charlie Brown, which had a similar structure (a doomed attempt to win a spelling bee championship instead of a baseball game) but actually sticks the landing.

Linus’s line “But did you notice something, Charlie Brown? The world didn’t end” tells the audience why we care about what just happened and what the film is trying to communicate. In this case that failure isn’t as scary as you may think and that there is actually something quite admirable about simply trying your best. I’m not saying that this particular story needed to be deep, but it did need ~something~ to tie it all together at the end, and that really bugs me.

Anyways, my point with all of this is that A Boy Named Charlie Brown is the best Peanuts movie and you should go watch it.

[schizodiaries]

I used to feel guilty/ashamed of my fixation on the mental hospital and my first psychotic episode. That was just because the people around me wanted me to feel shame over it. But now, I don’t. It’s a harmless way for me to cope.

Sometimes i wear the shirt I had on when I got hospitalized and imagine in my mind that it’s happening again. I wear grippy hospital socks while I post on my hospitalcore blog, and pretend that my dinner is hospital food. I listen to the music they played at the hospital and pretend im sleeping on a hard, rubbery psych hospital bed. I don’t do this everyday or even often. I only use this as a coping mechanism when im feeling stressed.

Some may find this weird and even unhealthy. Weird sure, but then again, who isn’t at least a little bit weird. But unhealthy? Far from it. The reason I can gleefully relive one of the most traumatic experiences of my life is because now im doing everything on my own terms. I am in control and I can take a terrible experience and turn it into something enjoyable. How can a harmless coping mechanism I enjoy doing on my own be unhealthy?

[theboardwalkbody]

Succession 01x05 and 01x06 Roman-Thoughts:

So despite the dominant Roman scene we got at the end of 01x04 we still get a little nugget of the Roman who's not Into It with Grace's "every 6 months" comment.

Absolutely seeing how any time you say anything to Roman that is Absolutely the Truth about himself he doesn't want to hear it and just tells that person to fuck off and walks away. Because God Forbid Roman actually deals with his shit like a mature adult.

---2.5 - I know that coming up(?) is a moment between Roman and Shiv about therapy (because I think everyone goes at one point?) but I really find it hard to believe that Roman and Therapy go well together given his propensity for not talking about anything serious related to his behaviors, especially if those behaviors are "negative" or perceived that way.

Got a little peek into Roman's brain with the "I'm not smart but I'm not dumb" and "I don't have the attention span" and "this is the most important time of my life and I'm thinking about six other things right now" statement. Do we have some ADHD-Roman?

I would have LOVED to see Roman's face in response to Logan hitting Iverson. Obviously I have been spoiled and know that Logan physically abused Roman but from the gif-sets I've seen Roman plays this off as Not A Big Deal and makes excuses for it. So I really would have loved to see how Roman reacted to seeing it happen to his nephew.

Roman absolutely flew into detachment when Grace left. He broke up with her, and they gave each other the cold shoulder the rest of the night (especially Grace's bite at him while saying Thanks), but when she was actually leaving Roman just straight up ignored her. He was physically present in the room but mentally and emotionally he was Not.

I see you Roman-Barely-Eats-Roy. With the picking at his stomach in the earlier episode, declining food when au devours were brought around passing over his plate completely at first during Thanksgiving dinner and only taking food after Grace. Taking small bites. When having dinner with Lawrence he was shown to put a small bite of food in his mouth like, once. During the meeting at the diner about the Vote of Confidence he ordered only a black coffee (which if I remember correctly this is actually the SECOND time on screen he was ordering food / offered food and only ordered/accepted a black coffee).

I know Kieran said that he saw Roman as having some sort of disordered eating but I wasn't sure how much he actually got to work it into the on-screen portrayal or how soon this occurred. So I'm kinda seeing, at the moment, that clearly he worked it in.

ALSO: to some psych diagnosis - I've seen Roman later on makes a "joke" about having borderline personality disorder and I am looking for evidence of it (because maybe I am biased with my own diagnosis) but having seen that I keep looking at him through that lens and I have been perceiving that his dumping Grace was a reaction to seeing her watching the movie. I see it as him feeling betrayed, maybe also embarrassed, and that caused him to split and therefore any love/feelings he had for her turned into hurt and he pushed her away by breaking things off with her. And his ignoring her leaving was absolutely him shutting down to block out any regret he may have been feeling or any further hurt.

And one more thing: As much as Roman talked about voting Logan out I knew the SECOND Logan decided to stay in the room during the vote he was going to buckle. I could also see the nervousness in him when Kendall wasn't there to help act as a buffer/support for him. Roman was absolutely squirming that whole time and when it came to be his time to vote, even though he did make a nervous attempt at sticking with his original vote, when Logan snapped at him he tucked tail. The shame and fear was written all over his face. When his turn came that was no longer an adult sitting in that seat but a child.

[storytime-reviews]

Insatiable TV Review

A bullied teenager turns to beauty pageants as a way to exact her revenge, with the help of a disgraced coach who soon realizes he's in over his head.

I recently watched both seasons of Insatiable, and certainly did not expect to enjoy it as much as I did. I of course remember when the show first came out, because of the attention surrounding the way in which Patty Bladell (Debby Ryan) loses weight in the first episode, and the subsequent campaigns to remove the show. Insatiable should come with a big trigger warning for eating disorders and fat shaming, but I also felt that the ways in which Patty’s eating and exercise related behaviours are addressed throughout the show in no way minimise or glamorise the weight loss situation in the first place.

In fact, I don’t think the show would have worked so well if it ignored the issue. Instead, Patty is shown to constantly, realistically, struggle with self-esteem issues related to her weight. Both from the obsessive desire to maintain her weight, and therefore, her newfound value in the eyes of others, but also in the sense that she is never truly satisfied because she can so easily recognise how little people cared about her due to their fatphobia. And whilst many of these scenes could be triggering, I also found them to be relatable in so many ways. I personally liked that the show didn’t shy away from this.

That being said, Insatiable is a highly stylised black comedy, so it was never going to be quite what people may have wanted or expected out of it. Whilst it is no laugh out loud comedy, the ridiculous situations that the characters find themselves in are genuinely amusing, and make for some interesting viewing. I can’t say that I particularly liked any of the characters, but I enjoyed all of the character dynamics. Patty and her pageant coach, Bob (Dallas Roberts), have so many great scenes together and play off each other so well. They are both so similar, ruled by ridiculous dreams and notions of revenge, that their strange relationship makes a weird kind of sense.

But I particularly liked how by the second season so many other character relationships are developed and explored as well. Everyone in this show is the exact kind of unusual that works in a black comedy, yet Patty and Bob absolutely shine amongst them. They cannot help but continue to get into trouble, and their antics drive the narrative forward. What I also like about Insatiable however is that the plot clearly impacts on the character’s own psyches as well – in many ways making them even worse versions of themselves. Whilst I don’t really like any of these characters, I absolutely love watching them, especially when they are at their worst. And to be honest, you can’t help but root for the revenge that is leveled at their enemies.

In a weird kind of way, considering how ridiculous and heightened these characters are, they feel real and compelling because they are constantly changing and influenced by the people and events surrounding them. I actually really enjoyed Insatiable, and was disappointed to discover it was canceled after season 2.

[ultrahpfan5blog]

Secret Invasion - Excellent performances and interesting ideas squandered with mediocre execution....

I was actually pretty psyched for Secret Invasion when the trailers came out. I didn't feel there was a whole lot of hype around the show but I was looking forward to it. After the fairly jokey nature of recent MCU, I was looking forward to the pivot towards more darker material, similar to TWS, and TFATWS. Now I didn't think TFATWS was great but it was solid and TWS is arguably my favorite MCU film to date and the trailers for Secret Invasion definitely felt like they were more that tone.

Having seen the series, it really feels like Marvel just don't have a handle on how to pace and structure their tv shows. Secret Invasion, at 6 episodes and such an intricate storyline, had no business being a slow burn show with a rushed ending. This should have been a fast paced paranoid thriller. Maybe all of it should have been set within a very short window of time. Instead, as a lot of these MCU shows have done, there are episodes where very little happens, and then there are episodes where a lot happens and it feels rushed. Given that this is now a common occurrence in the MCU tv shows, it seems obvious that the writers don't have a handle on how to pace these 6 episode series. Also, this show was oddly small for a show that was about something so big. There was a lot of sidestepping to try and explain why Fury was the person who had to be the one who stopped Gravik and why he couldn't involve some of his powered friends. While the explanation works up to a point, when the world is on the brink of WWIII, the explanation starts falling apart. Then there are certain relationships that are very essential to the emotional weight of the show, which have far too little screen time for us to really care. The marriage of Fury and Priscilla/Varra is a bond that is brought up throughout the back half of the season, but the truth is that it is treated with a sort of reverence in the show which it has not earned from the audience, which is a damn shame because Jackson and Woodard do some excellent work in their scenes together. Then there is the whole ending of the show. While they do shake up the status quo a bit, which I hope will be followed up in the next Captain America movie, there are some very dumb decisions taken as well. For example, the decision to make G'iah into a superpowered being who is ridiculously overpowered is something that will be a ramification the MCU will have to deal with for a while. Maybe they will have this make more sense in a future MCU project, but for now, it does seem strange that they made such an OP character all of a sudden. Also, the bait and switch in the finale cheapens a very fine scene. The entire scene between Gravik and Fury was actually very meaningful, but having Fury be G'iah all along makes that scene loose its emotional value because we don't know if that is what Fury feels.

The damn shame about the show is that there is actually a fair amount of stuff that is actually pretty good. There is some excellent acting work in the show. Samuel L. Jackson, Ben Mendelsohn, Kingsley Ben-Adir, Olivia Colman, Don Cheadle, and Charlayne Woodard all do some excellent work on the show. The actual story of the show is interesting because we actually do genuinely see that the Skrulls have very legitimate grievances against Fury. He is a man who used the Skrulls as agents, gained power within SHIELD as a result, but did not find a new home for the Skrulls and did not have the courage to admit that finding a new home wasn't possible. And then he deserted them on Earth and went to Saber. The resentment built up in the Skrulls is totally understandable. And Jackson does an excellent job showing a much more brittle and guilt ridden man, as opposed to the confident operative we have seen in the past. His dynamic with Talos is one of the highlights of the show. Ben Mendelsohn was insanely likable as Talos and his death was honestly one of the most gut wrenching deaths in the MCU. Olivia Colman just looked like she was having a ball of a time and boost of witty energy whenever she's on screen. Don Cheadle does some of his best work. The scenes between Fury and Rhodey, both before and after Fury find out that he's a Skrull, are impeccable. Kingsley Ben-Adir does a lot to make Gravik was a very understandable villain, even though his backstory is half baked and told rather than shown. Similarly, Charlayne Woodard is excellent, even though her character gets the sort of reverence from the show which is never earned by the writing. The scenes with her and Jackson are excellent and they are able to get that "married for a long time" feel despite barely any setup. Emilia Clarke is a bit of a mixed bag. She's forced to be rather stoic throughout most of the show, so she doesn't get to stand out despite being a significant part of the show.

The tone and story of the show is interesting. The idea of infiltration and creating paranoia is a good concept and when the show leans into that, its pretty good. But the show then also tries to be a bit too big for its boots by introducing super Skrulls and attempting to start WWIII. So it sometimes feels like the showrunners and writers aren't sure what show they are trying to make.

All in all, this isn't a bad show, but it had potential to be much better. If executed right, it could have been up there with MCU's best. Its a show that actually had some major character deaths like Maria Hill and Talos, and at least seems to have rattled the status quo of the Earth and not every thing is settled by the end of the show, but the execution of how things led to that point felt a little lacking. I would say this ranks around a 5 to 6/10.

[livingthroughblog]

So what do we do now?

If you're taking the time to read this I can only assume you're trying to stay alive and I am so proud of you for that. It takes a lot of strength to make that choice, a choice I hope you continue to make It took me many years to accept that this is a part of me. I used to believe each time I got out of a suicidal episode that that would be it, I thought "great, I made it out, I feel better", I didn't think it would come back. But it kept coming back, and every time it did I felt even more hopeless than the last. I'd convinced myself last time that it was indeed going to be the last time So when it came back again I felt even weaker than before. I had exerted so much time and energy trying to pin point, process and overcome the things that have made me feel suicidal in the first place and those thoughts creeping back in always made me feel like the effort I'd put in was for nothing. I believed that as long as these thoughts continued to come to me there was no point in even trying. It was too much effort and it "wasn't working". Each time it happened again made me want to give up even more than I ever had before "it's only a matter of time before I finally give in" I would think to myself. I spent years basically waiting to commit suicide. Going about daily life as best I could, just waiting for the next episode to be the final one. Then I had a little bit of a revelation. After 22 years fighting these thoughts and urges, this time it hit me that this aspect of my psyche was not going away... and maybe accepting that was the only thing that was going to make it easier to live with? Cause I've chosen to live. I'm staying here (as I hope you are). And with that, what I want to be focussing on now is what I can do for myself, to make staying here feel that little bit better.

This is where acceptance came in. I decided to let those thoughts be there, to accept they are a part of me. I still feel a bit crazy because of it some times but I'm getting there. And when I began to give myself some grace the shame of it all began to lift. I found when I accepted rather than fought those thoughts they had a lot less power over me. For years I would freak out when I noticed those thoughts begin to resurface. I would subconsciously be telling myself I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, or if it's back again then there's no point in trying to fight it because if I hadn't got over it by now I never would. I was telling myself some really shit stories, basically. Somewhere in there I wanted to allow and accept it but I feared that truly seeing it and opening up to it would give it the power to overtake every aspect of me completely, however, when I began telling myself something more along the lines of "There it is again. Well I knew it was going to come at some point and now it's here I also know it's going away again too. It always comes but it also always goes away." I gave it less power than I had before. I learned the opposite of my fear was actually true. Accepting and allowing instead of fighting had effectively made it shrink. The only thing giving these thoughts power was my fear, my shame, my attention. And the thoughts and feelings subsided far quicker than they typically would, I'd used up far less energy than I typically would "fighting" one of these episodes. And my rational thoughts remained stronger than they had before. And instead of feeling defeat I felt proud of how I'd handled this time, I didn't have a suicide plan in my head this time, I had more confidence in myself knowing I can live with this part of me being there, somewhere, in the back of my mind, laying dormant for the majority but every now and then rearing its ugly head. I don't have to fear those days, those thoughts. I don't have to let those episodes make me feel as though my healing work was all for nothing. I don't have to buy in to the horrible things my mind sometimes tries to tell me and neither do you For now this is part of my life and what I can control is how I choose to handle that

[riddle-on-the-milk-carton]

The pearl and the swan

the pearl: nikki and paulo are the first to find this psychological research station. what are your thoughts on those two and Exposé? what do you think was the backstory of Libby, our Lost psychologist?

Nikki and Paulo made FANTASTIC one of characters, I honk they should’ve had some more small appearances before hand to we would *kinda* know who they were but not by much

Their episode is one of my favorites and really captures to me Losts horror writing at its peak, because it dosent instill the kind of fear you see from gore or in-your face horror, instead it’s kinda slow and fills you with dread, like their deaths were so horrific and they weren’t even from a monster or anything supernatural, just pure human mistakes, and it was still stomach churning omg I love that episode so much

Libby was sidelines so much it made me upset, I didn’t think she deserved to die so early too, because not only did the writers *set up* a backstory for her they just threw that out the window and killed her to further Hurley and Michaels characters, she was in the same psychiatric ward as Hurley so who knows all of the connections she could’ve had to the island and everything

Though my personal interpretation of her character goes into a bit of AU territory it also remedies my issues I have with her treatment of Hurley and his ED, I know it was the early 2000’s but on a deserted island throwing away food is still irresponsible (I’ve never been stranded on an island lmfao but I have gone without food before and it physically hurt me to see them waste so much)

But in my interpretation, Libby had been in a lot of psych wards as a teenager, she was bullied for it often in the little time she was in school properly and that only made it worse, she struggled with a lot of mental illness and suicidal ideation/sh, but decided to go into psychology so she could help teenagers like her, as it also was the 90’s/2000’s too

In my rewrite of the episode Hurley is full of shame about his own hallucinations and continues to try to handle them himself, thinking Libby would see him as lesser or crazy and not want to be around him, but by the end of the episode after talking him down from the cliff, Libby reveals her past and that she wasn’t so comfortable around Hurley because she didn’t know, but because she did know, and she understood what it felt like to be in his place, and that they are both in a hard situation and both dealing with a lot of trauma, but maybe they at least have each other to make sure they don’t walk into the ocean

I headcanon before she died/in my au Libby also connected closely with Jack, as their both doctors trying their best to save everyone, and Libby tried her best to save the rest of the Tailenders, but she was just a psychologist and not a medical doctor, so she wants to learn from Jack, I like to think Jack appreciates having an extra hand to help him with everyone’s ailments and in turn Libby teaches Jack about psychology and conflict-resolution, which he originally is hesistant about bc it’s not “real medicine” but then sees her break up fights and teach people to handle their emotions better and he in turn wants to learn from her

Whoo sorry is is such a yap but yea!

[spaceumbredoggos]

TW abuse; suicide; self harm; mental health struggles

Will he ever fucking stop? Finally figured out how to block him. Just what I need right now. Does he think I’m stupid? This is love bombing. Thank god he only does this like once every few months. I swear if I get shit from the rest of my family on his side for blocking him, I’m blocking them too. I’m so fucking frustrated. He’s the reason why I hate myself for not speaking up about my mental health issues sooner.

Mental health update: I’m going to see my therapist today. I have concerns about DID. I have heard this voice in my head for I don’t know how long to be honest. I know it really started gaining traction after my mother abandoned me, but I didn’t know what it was or what was going on. It tells me to kill myself, and it tells me that I am worthless, that I’m a disappointment, and that I should just retaliate against everyone who has ever wronged me with either violence or cancelation campaigns on social media. I know it’s not my own voice because it is masculine and raspy, unlike my internal dialogue, which is my own gender neutral voice. I used to get these episodes when I was nine/ten where I would get extremely violent and I wouldn’t remember the cause or what I did. I tried to drown my uncle and I don’t even remember it happening, as well as I do remember skinning a snake alive, but I felt trapped in my own body as I was doing it. Like something was puppeting me. I get these episodes to a lesser degree now, and it’s more so when I pick at my skin. My hands sometimes move by themselves and scan my body for more imperfections to pick. I basically feel like I can do nothing to stop it as I have tried almost every strategy in the book from CBT to ABA. I feel so disconnected from my body at times that I have trouble recognizing that I need to use the bathroom or eat until I get severe hunger pangs and shakes and that I feel like I’m gonna shit or piss my pants. Mirrors are a huge trigger for me to try to feel somewhat connected to my body. It’s when I skin pick the most at the zits on my face. I feel trapped in my own body when I tear at the skin on my heels yet I just do it. Again, it gets really bad before my period hits.

I have learned how to mask so well that I don’t show that I am struggling, mostly because I am terrified of psych wards from severe CPTSD. I was on the phone with the suicide hotline and we came up with a safety plan, and then I was on the phone with Kaiser to schedules a psychiatrist appointment. What the nurse on the phone said stuck with me. That if I had a safety plan to prevent me from listening to the voices in my head, that I could go to the ER and not be involuntarily hospitalized and my meds could be adjusted. Still, I don’t know what the psychiatrist is gonna say. I have a hunch that I’ll be put on lithium, which makes me a little nervous because I did smear shit in the carpet when I was on that stuff, but that was a different time. I struggle with dissociation episodes where the voice is all I hear and I ignore it, particularly when I am in class and listening to instruction. That’s when the facial picking also starts.

I have been shamed by my therapists at my old behavioral health system for my skin picking. I always felt like I can’t help it and someone else is taking over to cause deliberate harm to my body. It’s like someone in my system wants to kill me in my own body. The problem with learning how to mask everything is that it’s so hard to know when to ask for help without fear. I was basically having a panic attack the entire time I was on the phone with the suicide hotline and Kaiser. My current living situation isn’t ideal, since I have a housemate who is an old man who refuses to seek treatment for his mental health issues and constantly triggers my CPTSD. Yet, I don’t know how disabled I am by all my mental health struggles because I never really had a chance to fail. I was always held to a certain standard by my parents that I always had to work or they would throw me outside.

I have tried a bunch of mindfulness techniques and grounding exercises, and at first they seem to work to quiet the voice. I try typing out what I am feeling (posting it on social media might not be the smartest thing, but I get so many positive messages from people telling me that things are gonna be okay and that I’m doing the right thing by seeking help and taking my medicine. I love all my moots dearly. You’re basically like the family I should have had. Not in a weird parasocial way like dream Stans, but more like someone I can turn to platonically and just dump all my heavy feelings. I may post this on r/DID for advice or r/Mentalhealth. I dunno. Reddit is a whole nother atmosphere when it comes to things such as this.) Typing things out and having positive responses is what helps me out the most, second to telling a trusted caregiver. I am afraid of age regression because of my loss of independence, and it’s not part of the CBT and DBT approach that I am used to. But I wonder if it will actually work. I don’t know if I am doing it correctly.

I know that I am possibly eligible for a service dog due to my disability. If it’s gotten to the point where I dissociate so badly I can’t function in school or possibly work, then I know that something is going wrong. The thing that puzzles me the most about what is going on with me is that I know it’s a voice that’s separate from my own, I know it’s not real, and I know I can ignore it to an extent. It doesn’t tell me to pick my skin, I just instinctively do it. I sometimes bite holes into the inside of my mouth as well and grind my teeth. I only just realized now that picking at my skin isn’t a stim behavior as I don’t feel any sensory release from it.

Anyways, thanks for checking in on me. I have a stable support system. I am looking for more options. I may post some of this story on Reddit just to get some armchair psychiatrists’ opinion on the subject. I don’t want to kill myself. I just want this voice to be gone.

[iaml1mitless]

a lil update re: meds

so i've gone up to 600 mg of lithium (from 300 mg) for like 3 days and i already feel better!! i was a little upset because i was hopeful that a lower dose would do the trick. i used to be on 1800 mg which everyone i've ever known agreed was a massive dose and i didn't like it, so i'm scared to ever be back on that dose. but for now it's 600 and i feel great so no need to worry about anything else.

the depressive episode i just had was so pathetically miserable i'm just grateful it's over!!

i keep going back and forth between demonizing meds and hating them and thinking it's my fault i need them, and realizing that it's not my fault and that some people's brains just need help.

if you wouldn't shame a diabetic for needing insulin, why would you shame yourself for need your psych meds? y'know?