#it’s a scary place for me and me alone
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I’ve got SO MUCH TO DO for my media consumption hobbies.
I’ve got:
Bridgerton rewatch and analysis
My Lady Jane
Critical Role (gotta catch up on Downfall)
The Dragon Prince S6
Dragon Age: Origins
Dragon Age 2
Dragon Age: Inquisition
How the FUCK does one do all the things??
I have a lot of things I like and it’s a problem and I’m going to make it your problem too.
#this is a shit post#welcome to my mind#it’s a scary place for me and me alone#if you want to sit and watch the chaos unfold I don’t blame you#I love watching other people be messy too#why don’t you sit down at this lovely sofa and have a drink?#I’ve got fruit snacks and sparkling water#and Dr Pepper - don’t forget the dpepp#enjoy#Abitcaughtinthemiddle
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Small detour of what I usually post, but I absolutely wish (other) clown the best of luck during these confusing and almost hopeless times- nobody knows how to deal with such amount of attention in such short amount of time- a blessing and a curse to behold
#Seeing their posts absolutely shattered me#I may never be able to relate to how he’s going through rn but at least I can relate to the fear of living in absolute fear#the fear of unable to be yourself in your own home with creative and personal freedom#The fear of being terrified that the thing that gives you the most innocent happiness will be heavily demonized and threatened#The fear of getting caught doing something you love and being yourself with your found identity#The fear of destruction#I relate heavily to this and to feel you are going to be caught doing anything that isn’t a crime hurts#I wish him safety and love during these stressful days#He’s brought so much joy to my life that I must keep private irl too#Whatever he decides for the fandom I will fully support it#I will still continue posting of course unless he wishes otherwise#If he sees this (which I doubt) hey other clown lmao- you are loved and not alone#It may be scary but you are not alone- you will never be alone#There will always be people out there who love you and there will always be those who are not even worth giving time of day#The internet is both a blessing and a cruel cruel unforgiving place#I hope it doesn’t deter you from doing what you love and hold dear#I hope you have anyone you can be with online or in irl that can give you the comfort you need#You deserve peace and security#Do what you feel is best#Welcome home
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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I somehow only Just noticed how Lucifer's wings move when he laughs in Surprise Guest interactions and I'm. Kind of obsessed? Like that's inexplicably adorable what
I've been due for some wings brainrot for a while now, hoping this one sticks around for a while afhsfjsf the tails got more than their fair share of my attention i Need to be spinning the concept of wings around in my brain at all times for the next three months At Least--
(Bonus hc infodump in the tags bc I have minimal self restraint)
#obey me#obey me headcanons#<- all in the tags💀#obey me nightbringer#obey me lucifer#lucifer#how have i not fully processed this big scary* demon having big fluffy probably emotionally reactive wings#his feathers probably fluff up when he's content and comfy#he 100% uses them to make himself seem even bigger and more threatening when he feels like he needs to#which now has lost its threatening capabilities to me bc he's just doing Bird Things xfjjgxgx#he's threatening enough on his own adding the bird tactics on top just loops back around to Little Guy territory somehow--#anyways wings good#they probably make nice sounds when they move and the feathers brush against each other and they're probably really soft in some places and#he'd probably start purring if you pet them (while you're alone ofc lol) especially the places closer to his back#or wherever else he might struggle to reach himself#I'm gonna be so real tho i think doing anything that could qualify as preening to Any of the former/current angels would get to them a bit-#Lucifer would be more subject to returning the favor tho (subconsciously or intentionally. probably both at different times lmao)#the instinct/cultural association with it has died down a bit in the rest of the brothers (at least conciously)#bc it did mostly just apply to helping other angels they were close with with their wings specifically#so lucifer being the only one with feathers would've probably had that habit/association stay more ingraned than it did for the rest of them#bc he'd be reminded of it all the time#ok i should make an actual post about this at some point i think instead of dumping it in the tags bc jfc-#bc im about to start spiraling into how the brothers adapted to their new bodies and being so out of their own culture when they fell#and etc etc#and I'll yap for Years and also maybe cry a lil--#tldr Preening As A Sign Of Affection (mutual) and it effects Lucifer the most for several reasons#personal headcanons
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#Reds such a unique and sad character to me#No matter what he does he is in a loop somehow. both actually and mentally.#He wants change - but he's afraid of it - But he NEEDS it - but its too scary.#He wants to be normal - But normal is boring - But its safe.#Too weird for people - too normal for freaks.#He Likes those two - But getting attached hurts. - But he truly does love them - But what if hes the issue? what is HE hurts them.#and thats why i think transport was such a big turning point. because he does hurt them#He tries his best and does what he thinks will be best.#him being alone so he issnt an “Issue”#And them being happy and healthy in a place where thier needs are met. and they dont have to be scared anymore.#but he fails and he hurts them.#His torture here is feeling helpless and whenever he tries it fails to the point he feels awful.#He has such complex and battling emotions they loop in his head over and over. too the point he cant do anything#thus making him a neutral character.#But neutral issnt a Good thing#Yes he doesnt hurt anything. But he doesnt help or comfort either#He is in a loop inside and out.#Hes drowning.#SIIIGHH sometimes it hurts understanding him /hj. (i know theres like a gigillion ways to interpret him lmao.}#im actuly kinda sad i havent seen anyone else have the idea of him being torn apart inside and anxious tho.#or that he sees himself as a big monster. maybe even due to him leaveing before (trying to help but failing again)#or that hes easy to manipulate. thus creating danger for the other two.#But im just yapping and making a comic based on my thoughts :]#(as ive been a lil mentally ill about string man lately.#dhmis#dhmis red guy#dhmis fanart#dhmis comic#dont hug me im scared
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Philip looked so young in the picture where he follows Caleb. I headcanon he was around Luz’s age when he arrived, so I wanna know how he navigated the Boiling Isles sooo bad. Like… Luz struggled a bit, but ultimately she had Eda guiding her, offering her a home and feeding her. Meanwhile…
Thinking of teen Philip being scared when it’s raining in the Isles alone and having no one to reassure or comfort him. Thinking of him using concealment stones to hide the burnt scars he got from the boiling rain, because the last thing he needs is sympathy from the witches that took his entire world from him. Thinking of him initially losing a lot of weight as he struggled to find things he could actually eat.
#emperor belos#philip wittebane#the owl house#toh discussion#caleb wittebane#young belos#I imagine he used to be very proud and not allow anyone to help him#then as he slowly realized he could take advantage of witches sympathy for him#he swallowed his pride and played the poor defenseless human role#I needed a flashback so bad y’all#how can they make this place so dangerous and scary and not expect me to wonder how any human survives alone#look at Luz arm after a few drops ! scary#toh analysis
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im trying rly hard to reframe the next 6ish months of my future as something exciting instead of something terrifying. and i just realized if i get my own apartment at the beginning of next year (which is the plan barring any unforeseen complications) i can decorate the whole place in friend art and fandom art..
#i don’t have to consider abby’s v reasonable interior decorating sensibilities anymore…#no one can stop me from making Big Wall Collages all over the house like i have in my bedroom….#living alone is scary. moving into a place alone is even scarier.#but if i want to hang a picture of lestat in my living room no one can even say anything about it. <3#izzy.txt
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"i dunno, i don't think i have social anxiety or anything, i'm just awkward. like, i can do public speaking with no problem so long as i have a script, it's just that certain weird things make me nervous. it's fine, i just make it sound worse than it is when talking to my therapists." <=guy whose gut feelings are frequently convinced that basically everyone wants to beat him with hammers
#eliot posts#my mental issues just tend to manifest Weirdly lol#some things that make me socially anxious:#asking for things#approaching/talking to people individually when i previously only knew them in group settings#approaching ppl in general if i don't have a specific social script#talking one on one to much older adults#joining new groups of people where they know each other but i don't know all of them#also when ppl reference inside jokes to each other that im not in on i think they hate me and are leaving me out on purpose. bc they hate m#the middle stage between ''polite small talk acquaintances'' and ''actual close friends'' is both difficult and confusing AND scary#things that don't make me socially anxious that make most socially anxious ppl anxious:#public speaking#ordering food#making small talk when expected to#going places alone#so i'm totally mentally healthy see :)
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#everything is hard#everything is painful it's all horrible and i am so. scared#....im so fucking scared#im applying for disability and i quit my job and my partner broke up with me and i.#there's nobody here#there's nobody and I'm alone and I'm so fucking scared and i don't know what to do#im panicking and spiraling and just waiting it out because I'm so terrified#what if it's not enough#I've applied for so much stuff I've requested help from every assistance place i can find#Im still looking for more#I haven't heard anything back from any of them yet#Who knows how long it'll take#I won't be able to pay rent this month#So then what? What happens#How long until they evict me? I-#I can't work. I can't. I just can't. I cannot. I can't i can't i can't#And I'm doing everything i can to survive#But it's so hard#And so scary and painful and I'm so. Sso so so alone#nobody is here. None of my loved ones are nearby#....i don't know what to do.#.....im scared.
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guys what if i told you ive been thinking about dess and actually i think dess/chara might be able to work out in the drkau...like ive been doing some thinking into dess and her reasons and why she does what she does and how she cares about people and im starting to nail down the role i want asriel to play, and. and.
guys i think dess is actually going to be able to change. i think dess figures out how to change but asriel never does....
#chatter#its about like. okay azzy's big thing is normality right.#ive decided hes our monster representative for the prophecy#(which i could make a whole post on but these tags are not the place)#which means dess ISNT which means dess isnt stuck by that#which means like. god this needs so much context i dont have time to give but.#in order for asriel to change he has to come to terms w the fact that a lot of things are his fault#like if he had reacted differently dess maybe stays#or at least doesnt take kris with her#and DESS comes to terms w this. dess is aware that she sorta fucked kris's life#and no shes not their mom but she does love them and care for them#and eventually would start to realize like. i have to be there for them#it wont be perfect but i can TRY even if trying is really really scary#and its this idea of like. what dess-chara-kris-frisk have#is family that could NEVER fit into what society sees as 'normal'#but they have each other. and they want to try. so they make something good#vs asriel chasing normality and pushing everyone away and at the end of it all like#that cant make you happy. all it does is make you Alone. and i dont know if he like#changes. cause hes so deep in he cant admit he was wrong cause then what was any of this for?#anyways let me remind you that noelle is our main character--#(though tbf since azzy is her brother and has a huge impact on her life its fair he gets a focus too)#I LOVE MY OWN AU <3#drkau
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the fact that i enjoy talking in front of other people and gain energy and mental peace from running large group events is so fucking funny and truly the world’s biggest plot twist.
#I THOUGHT I WAS AN INTROVERT#I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE GOOD AT PUBLIC SPEAKING#AND NOW IT IS LITERALLY MY JOB#and i DO still enjoy being alone in quiet places#but i also just love being with people#ran the main table at an eclipse viewing event today#chatted with a new employee and (hopefully??) made her feel welcome#was visited by two of my BIG bosses (a LITTLE scary - but i think it went well!)#and had over 100 people come up to my table#just great great GREAT times!!#and i JUST did a scout event over the weekend that involved over 200 people at our table#and that ALSO made me really happy#i fucking love outreach man - it’s so fun!#more more MORE!!!!!#*mary magdalene voice* i never thought i’d come to this… what’s it all about?
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Anyways I’m going back into my queer horror brainrot
#I’ve been writing queer horror and i rewatched bly manor and hill house a coupla weeks ago#and my brother showed me this sick ass sci-fi horror show with lesbians in it#and I’m reading Yellowjackets fanfic#it’s like slowly consuming my life again and I LOVE IT#I’m not doing anything TOO scary bc I’m a baby and I’m moving soon#and in my new place I’m gonna be living alone for the first time ever#so I don’t wanna give myself a complex about ghosts or whatever right before I live alone#but anyways I’m having a great time#if anyone has any recs of any media type that’s queer horror pls let me kno!!
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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
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amazing what sleep will do if you're feeling bad
#speak friend and enter#i stayed up till 3 last night bc i was upset and didn't want to be alone w my thoughts essentially#and then wondered why i just kept feeling worse as the night went on 😐#for context i hadn't slept since sunday night so. i think that was a large part of my problem#but now ive slept and cried a lot of it out so im gonna go get 'breakfast' (it is 2pm) and go shopping 👍#i think cleaning and decorating my new place will make me feel better too. i always get kinda icked out by new apartments#just because i haven't had time to clean them the way i want yet. but i can do that today!#and i ordered a new mattress and can get a duvet today and make it feel like my own :)#anyway. the scary thing about all this is that it's all up to me to make it work.#but on the flip side it's all up to me!!!! no gods no masters just me and whatever strikes me at the moment :^)#i dare say i think it's gonna be ok! and if it's not im gonna make it ok!
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...
#if u r curious abt following the saga that is my life:#i did finally accept an official offer from a school this afternoon. which is a huge relief and really exciting#and for once i think i did something that will b good for me in mind and body lol bc i think i could b happy with any of the places i#applied to but this program is most geared to my interests and its in a place where i think i can have fun due to the accessibility#of nature and the mountains haha. like at rutgers i think i could have got a good education and had a lot of opportunities but i think it#would have crushed my soul a lil bc it would b more high pressure and in the city. ya kno? so i hopefully i dont regret the choice lol#i still have to wait on the offical acceptance stuff but now at least i can allow myself to get excited abt the potential project and start#researching. which i mean ill have 5yrs of a phd for that but idk im excited and my life feels so empty and meaningless rn ive gotta take#the excitement where i can haha#anyway housing is gonna b a bitch bc there arent a lot of places available in grad student price ranges in the city to the point where they#said so in the official offer rip. and i have to decide when im leaving the southwest bc i could stay til August or leave in july and take#like a whole almost 2 months to just not b doing anything for a sec. and my dad was like !!! u could go to the crazy state parks#or drive out to the pacific northwest! and that would b amazing but also that sounds so scary to do on my own lol#like i dont wanna b missing and murdered as a youngish non guy traveling alone#but i could do it if i tried im sure. anyway i just wanted to let yall kno#bc im so doom and gloom on here all the time but a transition period is looming so im only stuck here for a few more months#and hopefully itll b a page turn into a happier place haha#watch out yellowstone cyanobacteria. im coming for u >:-]#knock on wood. ya kno. just in case#hhhh at least i can breathe a lil better now i have a direction#unrelated
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is it embarrassing to go with your mother and only your mother to a concert y/n
#wizardspeak#i am NOT going to budapest park alone that place is scary as fuck. but nobody is coming with me...
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