#it will either fundamentally change me or make me want to cry

[blackjackkent]

Man, I really need to do some origin runs.

[sodaf]

[genderqueerdykes]

holy shit wait…your 32???

I…im gonna cry

I didn’t know we can live this long…

not just trans mass but…

alterhuman…and plurals..and…

I can’t…

so happy

gonna cry……..

yes i am! i was born in 1992 :)

that's exactly why i have my age in my bio- i've wanted to show people that you don't "outgrow" fundamental parts of your identity. it's natural to adopt and shed identities as we age, but i've been out as genderqueer since 19! nothing has changed, i'm still the same genderqueer person i was all those years ago!

and if anything- life has gotten better in my 30s. as a word of advice to most people out there: your teen years and your twenties FUCKING SUCK!!!!!!!! they tell you those are the "best years of your life" but they're NOT- you're growing into a world that is terrifying and doesn't understand you. you're scared. your brain and body are still developing and you're constantly facing new challenges. those are honestly i think the HARDEST years of your life, hands down

when i was a teenager, i would think to myself "phht there's literally no way i'm making it past 25 lmao" and figure that life ends after 25. well, that day came where i turned 25... and nothing changed.

and then i turned 30. still, nothing changed

now i'm 32 and... nothing has changed. maturation happens with age, yes, but it doesn't mean that you're suddenly a completely different person. people have such a shitty view on 30 year olds, like it's somehow "embarrassing" to be above the age of 25 years old. people in their 30s are constantly picked on, we're constantly told to "act our age" when... we are. i'm happier than ever realizing that I made it to my 30s, still trans, still nonhuman, still plural

i've been in treatment for DID since 2017, and while i've healed a lot, i have not integrated with my alters, and i never will. i don't want to. this is how my brain functions. the dissociation can be a nightmare for me, but my brain needs different people inside of it in order to be able to function properly. we tried to force ourselves to live as a singlet for 3 years and what ended up happening was that host at that time cracked from being under the constant pressure and still has never returned. the amount of stress it placed on us to try to live as a singlet was not worth it. at all

there hasn't been a singular moment in my adult life where i stopped being nonhuman, either. that was something that i never even tried to force myself out of. i never viewed it as weird or something that i should "outgrow"- i told my own mother that i did not identify as human as a child and that never left me. even now, i still wear dog collars, ears, tails, and take nature walks and do things to make myself feel more like my nonhuman selves. i'm still a furry, too!

i might not be a queer "elder" yet, but i'm happy as can be to be able to be an older queer person who can use their experience to help younger folks. thanks for sending this message! trust me, there really is a life after your 20s. your teens and 20s suck massively. but after i passed 30 i became more down to earth about my age. it's not a bad thing to live past 20- in fact, it's a badge of honor. i made it. i'm still breathing, i'm still here, still queer, despite all attempts to prevent me from still being here.

i'm going to continue be here for a long, long time, and you can be here with me, too.

take care of yourself! thanks for stopping by!

[imaginesbymonika]

LOML- loss of my life | Prologue

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Plot: You knew him at a time when he didn't, and now he is looking for you...

Warnings: depiction of violence, angst, mentions of (perhaps) death, angst, fluff at the end (maybe), takes place after TFATWS

Bucky didn't like to think back to the years when he was working for Hydra. No matter how many times people named him a victim, an instrument - it didn't change the fact that he was operating for them. Going on those missions- slaughtering hundreds of people. Innocent fucking civilians. He couldn't possibly look past that. His therapist informed him that this kind of mindset is what's keeping him from fully recovering.

Maybe she was right about that.

Perhaps that was the root of his never-ending nightmares. The ones where he can still smell the blood whenever he wakes up in a cold sweat. Where he stares down at his hands, and for a split second he can catch a glimpse of their blood. Or maybe it is his blood. He lost track of that a long time ago.

A couple of months ago he had read a psychology book where someone argued that memories are primarily silent. And he couldn’t have thrown that book any faster against the closest wall. Because fuck whoever wrote that piece of crap. He’d be happy if for once he couldn’t hear the screaming of his victims, their begging and crying…followed by his metal arm making this eerie sound whenever it crushed someone’s spine into little pieces.

Bucky takes a deep breath. God, how he yearned and wished for silence. But then again, God has abandoned him a while ago.

His dreams only consist of flashbacks. Please, I have children waiting for me at home! Stop, stop, that hurts! Your work is fundamental for mankind! Oh my god, please stop! Make this stop, please! My oldest is 7! Please, don’t forget that you’re still human underneath it all. Bucky’s eyes open and when he sits up he can not stop gasping for air. Please, don’t forget you’re still human underneath it all.

He inspects his worn out features in the mirror. When had he started to dream of her? When did she manage to tiptoe her way into this hellfire of memories? What was her name again?

You slightly flinched when Pierce's hand made contact with The Winter Soldier’s cheek. The sound echoed through the empty corridors of the facility. And her gaze quickly drops to her clipboard. Everybody around her was silent, staring at either the long-haired man or the one in the suit. Pierce looked beyond furious before his eyes fell on you and he cleared his throat:” What are you writing down.”

Fuck. You took a deep breath, and quickly improved your posture:” I am just documenting the bruising, Sir.” The older man hummed and furrowed his eyebrows:” Let me see.” Out of nowhere, he snatched the clipboard out of your hands. You slightly groan at the burning sensation the plastic left on your skin. The entire time, you were able to feel The Winter Soldier's eyes on you. How you loathed this job. But you needed to remind yourself that you didn’t have much of a choice, whether or not you wanted to be there. For almost three years, you were one of the top physicians at NYC’s best hospital. Then one evening, while you were walking back to your car, you got kidnapped. You-

“Bucky?”, Sam’s voice brings him back into the present: “Are you still with me?” There is a playfulness to his voice. One that quickly disappears, once Sam notices the look on his friend’s face. And for a few seconds, the two men just look at one another, before Bucky shakes his head:” Yeah no. I’m fine.”

“You’re gone a lot these days.”

Bucky tilts his head and blinks in perplexity:” What’s that supposed to mean? We have been working on this case together since last week, we-.”

“Mentally, Bucky.”, Sam cuts him off and brings his cup of coffee up to his lips. And he can detect an emotion in Bucky’s eyes that tells him he struck a nerve. There is a heavy silence filling the kitchen before Sam speaks up again, his voice gentle and understanding:” Where are you going?”

[snakeautistic]

One of the reasons I believed I couldn’t be autistic for so long was due to a fundamental misunderstanding of my social struggles. This being that I am not by any means incapable of memorizing social rules. Through observation and direction I can construct a broad framework of ‘socially acceptable or not.’ For example, I’m well aware that making physical contact with someone without consent isn’t acceptable. Or that stating blunt facts in a way that implicates someone negatively isn’t allowed. I know to avoid interrupting others if they’re already talking, to not walk away when I’m in the middle of a conversation. Crying, being unusually quiet and frowning indicates sadness. Someone smiling at laughing at what you’re saying means they probably are enjoying their time with you. An increase in speaking volume indicates excitement- either positive or negative. Sarcasm is often indicated by someone saying something absurd that you know they would never say, or you know to be factually wrong.

The fact that I had learned these broad rules made me think autism wasn’t a possibility for me. But being autistic doesn’t stop you from obtaining and applying information. (I mean that’s why so many interventions that ‘treat’ autism do result in the autistic person being able to pass as neurotypical.)

The difference comes from lacking the subconscious nuances and exceptions that come with those broader rules. For example- when is it okay to actually be honest? Some people will not be bothered by physical intimacy- but how would I know this? How can you tell if a group wants you to join in with their conversation? How to tell if this person is smiling and laughing politely or genuinely? How to tell if someone who you know very little about is being sarcastic?

There are not direct, easy to apply ‘rules’ for this, and yet clearly there are ‘right’ options. When the appropriate reaction must be determined by subtle body language or small shifts in tone of voice, ones that are near impossible to teach- I become completely lost.

That’s something I always find lacking with the general social skills advice given. It’s helpful to a point, but the truth is everyone is an individual. People express themselves differently, and react to your same actions differently due to past circumstances or temperaments. There is no one set of rules you can use for everyone, unfortunately. The majority of neurotypicals, while of course having miscommunications and the like, can rely on their subconscious to parse out any subtle changes they might need to make to their demeanor for a particular situation. My brain is much less adept at focusing down broader experience/rules into unique circumstances. (This is actually something that extends past social cues for me and I might make another post talking about it because I think it’s interesting)

Anyway rant over but yeah this was a huge mental barrier to seeking out a diagnosis for a while because at some level I ( ironically enough) took struggling to understand social cues too literally…

[marxistlesbianist]

How do I stop getting more and more terrified of the upcoming Trump administration. I know on a material level Harris would not be much better but every new cabinet pick and headline makes the liberal in me scream and cry, I'm a trans woman just starting her transition and I'm scared I will never become the person I want to be. I'm scared it's too late for me. I need a Marxist perspective, what do I do?

Unfortunately marxism cannot provide you with any way to avoid fear as such, but this does not mean it is useless here. Marxism as an analytical method helps us to see the social/economic mechanisms affecting our lives as they really are, rather than as the quasi-divine forces which liberalism supposes them to be. I and many others have found that looking at the world in this more grounded manner has the effect of lessening our anxiety, but how you react to this vision of material reality is still up to you.

That being said, here is a rough outline of a marxist outlook on the US political economy to–day, which might help you to ground through the anxiety of the election results:

The US empire is an empire in decline. This is not the fault of any single politician, but of the inherently unstable ground on which capitalist economies are built. Capitalism necessitates constant market growth, and with nearly the whole world already captured by the US economic order, this is an increasingly impossible demand to meet. As climate change worsens the third world countries exploited by the US are pushed to either drown under ceaseless natural disasters, or revolt against the economic system distroying their ecology—in both cases the US hegemony is weakened and our great empire dies by a thousand cuts. The only way to avoid economic crisis is to move away from the capitalist mode of production all together, but bourgeois politicians will only ever offer us incomplete solutions to the problems they have created.

Fascism is the liberal response to economic crisis. Throughout the history of the 20th century, we have seen that even the most socially progressive liberal “democracies” have morphed into fascist monstrocities when the capitalist economy is threatened. Voting in ostensibly progressive candidates without seriously challenging the political economy won't save us--as the people of Germany learned when the liberal chancellor Hindenburg appointed Hitler as the head of state after beating him in the election. This happens because fascism is at its heart the imperialist system turned inwards; when the German bourgeoisie were no longer able to sustain their economy by exploiting colonized countries like Namibia, they revitalized their economy by building a more advanced version of the Namibian colonial state at home.

Because the system is already collapsing in on itself, the primary task for us to organize toward is not challenging the system as it is, but building something better in its place. Of course, the task of defending our movement will necessarily bring us into conflict with the current bourgeois state, but we must remember that the point is not to oppose our enemies but to defend our friends. Even if a socialist president were elected to the white house, their dictates would only mean anything if there existed an organized body of workers prepared to exicute the plan inspite of bourgeois sabatage. Conversely, a sufficiantly large and well organized body of workers would be capable of building socialism in the US no matter what Washington says.

For trans women, the state of affairs following Trump's election is fundamentally no different than it was before November 6th. For 250 years the US government has been hostile to our existence, and yet there are more of us living out of the closet now than there ever have been in this country's history. The liberties which the republican party now threatens to deprive us of were not given to us by liberal politicians, but won inspite of them by the masses of our trans elders fighting tirelessly for themselves and their children—and for so long as we continue the struggle we have inherited, the bourgeois state will never be able to defeat us. Of course, much of this history of struggle has been obscured by the liberal order trying to co-opt our movement, but it is still there to be discovered. (If you only know about Stonewall, I highly recommend you read about the history of STAR (Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries), an organization founded by some of the trans women who lead that riot.)

Of course, none of this is to say that the situation isn’t terrifying; just that it is also manageable. You may not be able to live the life you wanted, but that doesn't mean you can't still lead a life worth living! The liberal in you screams and cries because she sees that things are bad, but doesn't see how you as an individual can make it right. Adopting a marxist perspective to see not just that things are bad but also how and why, and organizing with your class allies instead of working on your own will silence your inner liberal’s tears as she becomes obsolete. Individual Trump staff picks don’t mean much for us in our project of building a socialist movement. Regardless of who sits in office, the work before us is the same. So let’s get to work—for the revolution of the world!

Lastly, because I always found it annoying when people would tell me to "join an org" without elaborating, here is a brief rundown of some organizations you could look into:

PSL (Party for Socialism and Liberation) has the widest reach of any nominally communist party in the US. Their top leadership are largely opportunists insofar as I can tell, but the local chapters vary enough that some of them are involved in genuinely productive work.

FRSO (Freedom Road Socialist Organization) is a lot smaller, but with more genuine leadership and a strong ideological line. They are growing, and tend to be much more active in the few areas where they are organized.

DSA and CPUSA (Democratic Socialists of America, and Communist Party of the USA) are both useless as organizations, but you might still find some people there you can organize with—especially of there aren’t any better orgs in your area.

SALT (Socialist ALTernative) basically encompass the worst of all worlds in my experience, but individual experience may vary.

Even if there are no active organizations in your area, joining one and sitting in on zoom meetings is still a worthwhile step forward!

[makethosenarratorsfight]

UNRELIABLE NARRATORS; THE FINAL FINAL

Shen Qingqiu Propaganda:

The entire series is told from his POV and the story seems like a comedy. The side stories from other characters POVs make the story sound like a tragedy. He thought that Luo Binghe hated him and wanted him dead while everyone else knew that Binghe was in love with him.

the whole book he’s using his OWN interpretation of the world to explain literally everything, not knowing that his introduction into the world changed it so fundamentally that his prior knowledge of it is less than useless. he’s like “binghe is being sweet to me because binghe is sweet to people that wronged him before repaying their slight a thousandfold, and he only adds their acceptance of his sweetness to his tally of their sins!! i have to run away forever or he’ll tear my arms and legs off!!!!!!” and binghe in reality is like “wow the love of my life my beloved shizun is scared of me still :( i should act sweet and nonthreatening so he’s not scared of me :(“ and he literally doesn’t have this corrected until the end of the book. but even when that one thing is corrected he still is like “haha okay but these other six things-“ bro……. cucumber bro………….. you homosexualized the world just accept it

He examines the entire reality he's isekai-ed into as if it's still fictional and his inner monologue ignores any "character trait" of the people around him that doesn't fit into his perception of "canon" despite everything he's done to change reality from the canon of the novel he first read. He routinely mislabels his own emotions as well as making heteronormative assumptions about himself and the people around him before he finally realises he's in reciprocated gay love with a man. It's a book that benefits being read twice, so the second time around you can focus on the implications Shen Qingqiu blatantly misses.

Transmigrates into a novel he “hates,” assumes he’s doing a good job pretending to be the character whose body he got stuck in, assumes other characters will stick to their original paths. Lotta assumptions, lots of rationalizing, lots of incredible feats of misunderstanding/misinterpreting things. His internal narration is also hysterical.

Lemony Snicket Propaganda:

(I would like to preface this by saying that Lemony Snicket is the author's pen name, not a real person, and he exists as a character in-universe as well as being the one in-universe who writes the books!) I'd say he's unreliable because he spent time collecting information about the Baudelaire kids and then... wrote books about it. He has no idea what any of their dialogue actually was, what they were thinking, or even the whole plot, he's just doing research into the incidents and then filling in the gaps to make it a story. What ACTUALLY happened to the Baudelaires? Nobody really knows for sure

While the Baudelaire siblings are in potentially life threatening danger, he will randomly start talking about his own life and just leave the siblings hanging. For example, once Count Olaf was threatening to kill Violet, and then Lemony randomly began talking about how he met the love of his life at a costume party. This man CANNOT stay on topic. Usually when a new character is introduced, Lemony tells us right at the start that they’re either going to die or that the Baudelaire siblings will never see them again. Foreshadowing is not subtle in these books. CONSTANTLY emphasizes how miserable he feels while writing these books. At one point he admits that he had to put his pencil down and go cry for a while because of how sad it made him. Once he filled an entire page with nothing but the word “ever” to emphasize how dangerous it is to put forks in electrical outlets. He also repeated a paragraph about deja vu later on in the book to give the reader deja vu.

[phagodyke]

doing the classic 'trying to open cards ppl sent but I have to keep putting my face in my hands and sobbing snottily bc I don't understand why they were so kind and it scares me so much'

back home and my washing is done and I need to eat lunch and do my ironing and then I've done all the tasks on my list and I can spend the rest of the day having a mental breakdown and then go straight to sleep woohoo

[fables-if]

Ok, now the grim classic: If the cast could either choose MC or the world to save, which would they choose?

Additional: Based on their answer, how would they react to MC begging for the opposite? By that, I mean, for example, someone from the cast choosing to save MC, but then MC begs them to save the world.

Oh. Interesting questions, this is going to be a tough one. 

Ana: Ana is choosing MC, no matter what. She knows the ethical choice is to save the world, but there's something in her that makes it impossible to let MC die.

If MC were begging for the opposite, she'd cry and doubt herself. She knows the weight of sacrificing the world is a heavy one, but leaving MC to die when they're such a fundamental part of her life is unthinkable. MC is super important for every route, but in Ana's case, having MC in her life makes her want to keep on living, even if her life will never be peaceful due to her situation. So she would hug MC and with tears in her eyes, she'd whisper, "I know what you want, yet I also know that I'm unable to honor that wish. Hate me if you must, but in every lifetime, I would choose you over and over again"

With a heavy heart, she would choose them even if they hate her, even if she would never have them in her life. Because her existence was changed by meeting them, and because her love for them (platonic or romantic) is too strong, too powerful to let them die for the sake of the world. 

Dix: Dix is also choosing MC. They would burn the world for them, and I MC knows that. Once Dix gets attached to someone, they're loyal to the core. They would never leave them behind. 

If MC were begging for them to choose the world, I think they would think about it and would hear their arguments. In the end, if MC is sure, they'll honor their wishes. Because for Dix, freedom is very important, and when you love someone and respect them as an equal, you honor their choices. So with a heavy heart, and tears shining in their eyes, they would make the choice MC's desires. 

Dix would be destroyed after MC's death, knowing they did the right thing, but the heartache remains. They would get help because it's what MC would have wanted; they would put themselves into therapy, do the work, better themselves, and accept the grief. They would honor their death by making sure they're not forgotten by others and also by allowing themselves to live the life MC would have wanted. 

An: An would have a hard time deciding. Between the world and their best friend and potential lover, and would have a panic attack. An would lean towards choosing the world, but in the end, for them, it comes to whatever MC prefers. If MC wants them to choose the world, then they choose the world, but if MC wants them to choose them, they would do it.

An is like this because their connection with MC runs deep, they have known each other since they were babies, and have seen each other grow up. At the same time, An has younger siblings, a family they love, and a world of people who don't get to make the choice. So at the end,  MC's life is on the line, and in their mind, MC should get to choose, so they just as MC and they follow their wishes. Because that's what best friends do. 

Bingen: Bingen is choosing the world, and he's going to be miserable for the rest of his life because of that. Bingen loves MC deeply, passionately, with all his heart. However, he can't live knowing he's sacrificing the world, full of life, in exchange for keeping his friend or his lover. Bingen thinks it's the correct choice, and he will be destroyed by losing MC and for being responsible for their death. 

If MC begs for their life, and pleads with Bingen to save them, he would start to cry. He would hug MC tightly while crying, knowing MC  wants to live and that he's still choosing the other option because his morals are too strict.

He would caress MC's face while crying, and he'd cry, "I know you won't forgive me, and I don't deserve it. I hope in another life I would be able to be more selfish, my darling".

After MC's passing, he would be a wreck, knowing he went against their choice for the greater good or to save more lives. I think he would live a few years into perpetual guilt until Ana and some others convince him to seek professional help. I think after a few years, he would get better, but the experience would make a deep mark on him

That was so much fun!!

[charles-leclerc-official]

This is maybe too anti but this race today and the podium was too frustrating to watch.

The issue for me with both Lando and now also Oscar today is that they are both car merchants who do seem to fundamentally understand they’re car merchants, but rather than just take the hand they’ve been given, keep their head down, and win, they don’t want to be known that way. So there are ego conflicts. But they also don’t do anything about changing that on the track.

Both of them have questionable race craft, they cry about each other on the radio but can’t just overtake, and they go for position in qualifying but aren’t strong enough to take the fight to the race w2w. The fact that they’re almost always right next to each other at the front of the grid but rarely fight, regardless of starting order, is insane to me.

Lando only won today because Oscar fucked his own race up, but Oscar only did that because he was scared by having Max behind him in wet conditions on a safety car restart. Just like Lando has a meltdown on the radio any time someone with better w2w skills than him gets within sniffing distance. They can drive but neither can race consistently, and it has been beyond disappointing to watch it unfold. 

This isn't too anti, I'd say this is all sticking to facts and actual criticisms.

The one thing I would say is that we hear whining between teammates from a lot of ppl(past and present lineups) so it's not unique to them, but that doesn't make it less annoying.

I have yet to see a truly good drive from either of them. Oscar has managed some good overtakes and that's about it. It's so hard to watch that car driving them more than they are driving it.

I worked in horse training and we have a saying that you are not really a rider if you are letting the horse lead. I can put anyone on a horse and they will probably be able to walk across the yard, however it takes a lot more than that to actually ride a horse in any skillful way.

I am very comfortable calling them both car merchants. They were never able to win until they were in a fully dominant (legally questionable car) and their driving since has done very little to make me think they'd be able to win in anything but a car that gives them a 10+s gap to protect all their mistakes on.

[nine-frogs-in-a-trenchcoat]

what i would assume about you based on your favourite osemanverse book

i was born for this

you're a fandom person to your core. you were exposed to fandom at a young age and it has fundamentally changed something about you. you're only now starting to untangle that. maybe you're still in fandom, maybe you're not, but it will always be a part of you. either way you have a tendency to obsess over things. you probably have hyperfixations and/or special interests. you will talk about the things you love all day any day to anyone who will listen. you're definitely mentally ill and probably not dealing with it well. you have some unhealthy coping mechanisms you're still working on and that's ok. you have a lot to say on the topic of parasocial relationships. i have a feeling you might be bisexual. you love lister bird a little too much. you wish the ark was real and you have a playlist of how you imagine their music would sound like. you think about the iwbft sequel at least three times a day

loveless

you don't need to tell me you're on the aromantic and/or asexual spectrum, i know. you either already knew that coming into it but it still made you cry because you had never seen these experiences described on page, or you had no idea and this book made you cry bc it was a little too relatable and it gave you a full-on identity crisis. either way, it made you realise something about yourself and validated experiences you never see talked about in media and therefore it will always be important to you. you probably relate to georgia on several levels. your friends are so important to you and you often worry if you'll ever be as important to them as they are to you. you want nothing more than for someone to tell you how much they value you and always want to be there for you. you've definitely read fanfiction before and have an ao3 account but are probably too self-conscious to write and post anything of your own

radio silence

you were always the quiet "pleasure to have in class" kid but really you were just anxious. you always had good grades in school. you're naturally good at academics but it also wasn't easy, you had to work for it. that all went down the drain at some point in your teenage years tho and now you're full of academic burnout that you don't know how to get over. you know you don't have to be perfect to have value as a person but you don't actually know it. you're either autistic or have adhd and struggle with executive functioning. if you have more than two things to do in a day, you will cry. you're not good at talking about your feelings so you write it all down where no one can see. you have a creative outlet but you always saw it as something that's just for you. you've always felt a little different and have trouble being your full self around people you don't know well. it's not exactly that you put on a front of being someone else but that you only show people a very watered down version of who you really are. you've either called someone your platonic soulmate before or you've wanted to. you wish you had someone like aled/frances in your life. you probably listen to fiction podcasts and you wish universe city was real

heartstopper

you're very queer and a hopeless romantic. you're a firm believer that there's nothing wrong with seeing life through rose-coloured glasses sometimes. you know how important hope is and you will never give that up. you've been through some shit and you struggle with your mental health but you're determined to heal and find happiness. you felt lonely because of your queerness when you were younger but are now starting to accept yourself and value the community you have found so much. you somehow got yourself a group of friends that belongs in a poster for lgbtq+ representation and you're not sure when that happened but you're so grateful for them. you either own a pride flag or you want one. you yearn to have what nick and charlie have. you love heartstopper because reading it makes you smile and giggle and kick your feet but sometimes you get a bittersweet feeling of longing from it too. you've started wearing converse and/or vans more after becoming a heartstopper fan

solitaire

you love tori spring and michael holden so so much and you will make it everyone's problem. you have one of them as your pfp and immediately hit follow on anyone else with a tori/michael pfp. you have depression and you've struggled a lot with your mental health and still do. this book makes you feel understood when you feel sad and lonely and it gives you comfort so you reread it often. you either feel numb or have anger issues or both. you care about everything much more than you let on, but especially people. you don't easily let people in but the ones that you do you care so deeply about them. you feel like you're always at the outskirts of every group and that no one really gets you, except for one person or two. you probably struggle with social cues. you're autistic and either undiagnosed or late diagnosed. you're likely on the asexual spectrum. you probably listen to sad girl music like mitski or phoebe bridgers or radiohead. you post vent posts to your blog under the tag "it's funny because it's true"

please let me know in the tags how much i got right (or wrong) if you've gotten this far!! and please don't take it too seriously either way, it's just for fun :]

[catras-breakup-song]

im crying my fucking balls out i'm just out here scrolling on tiktok at night and baked and suddenly this bitchass motherfucking tiktok of people claiming catradora is abusive using s4 ep3 like LEAVE ME ALONE. I JUST WANT TO WATCH CATRADORA??? these people are making me sob because they're coming to the conclusion that catradora s5/post-canon = toxic and abusive because of this while ignoring the literal steps catra takes to change oh my god i'm going to eat the wall

i feel sooooooo tempted to drop a whole rant about how catra is portrayed as a villain up until the end of s4 where she finally starts becoming better and is on the side of the good guys and these people are failing to differentiate these versions of her/failing to recognize the differences between villain catra and rebellion catra. like hello is growth and change not a thing with you?? is redemption not a real thing??? "ohhh she said ilyiah but she hurt her so much!!" I cant take it anymore. Can you take it anymore?? I cant. how do i permantently block anti catradora tiktoks.

i know exactly how you feel, it stresses me out just as much and i get anxious about the next time i'll have to see anti-catradora content. often i'm not sure how to argue at first and it messes with me mentally to think that they may be right until i reflect on it more and sometimes consult with friends to get their thoughts.

without exaggerating, i've made this media my lifeline. it's what i look forward to when i'm bored or sick or having a hard time emotionally. i've never been so hyperfixated on any show for so long. not to mention, i take attacks on catra's character very personally because of how much i've related to her over the years. it truly feels like when they hate her, they hate me and would believe i'm irredeemably bad (which is unfortunately rather accurate to how people see punitive justice for whomever they dislike). my anger issues do not cope with receiving all this backlash very well. to be fair, i wouldn't end reality over it, but i can't say i blame her (joking... mostly)!

i get it completely and take this vent to heart by seeing myself in your concerns. but here are some things that i always try to remember when i feel overwhelmed:

1. no matter what else catra theoretically/hypothetically could've (not) done throughout the story, whatever was different for better or worse would never change the minds of these critics. they're dead-set on ignoring, out of hatred, the fundamental themes of the show (which is a kids' cartoon) about what traits hurt people need to be given externally in order to make the right choices and what drives their motives to either descend into self-destruction or grow into their full potential for greatness, depending on what their environment tells them. not only that, but fiction has much different standards for what's excusable or can at least be let off the hook easier, since a literal world war with soldiers under the age of 20 does not tend to be relatable to the typical target audience. if SPOP was meant to be portrayed as realistic beyond just the psychological & interactional aspects, maybe we all would be more worried about the stories we're consuming with the messages we're being taught, but that's not nearly the case.

2. if the fact that catra quite literally died and physically suffered at the hands of countless others in her life both before + after was not enough to mean anything, then they don't want rehabilitation ─ they want endless torture for their own entertainment, which honestly makes those hypocrites exactly like her but i'm sure they'd hate to be told so. the point is though, they're not worth listening to because they're approaching these "common sense" takes with bad-faith, and despite how that crowd is rising in numbers by "waking up to the truth", popularity does not equal righteousness. they neither know nor care about what effectively holding someone accountable actually involves as proper accountability is not the end goal regardless of what most of them claim. i may have mentioned before that these people never bring up ideas such as social exile or community service in terms of post-war; they just wish adora, shadow weaver, hordak, and/or prime had thrown her around more. i think that speaks for itself plenty.

3. i know the "media literacy" argument is overused now but they truly lack any amount and fail to consider let alone apply it to their conclusions, and will remember every single time she made life harder for others but conveniently never when she showed empathy and tried to protect them. although they're entitled to their opinions (i.e. "i just can't move past everything catra has done and believe she still had a long way to go before potentially earning a romantic relationship with adora but even then i still wouldn't support it"), the problem with it is that they force that bias into their analysis that they paint as an objective truth and end up willfully misunderstanding how the characters were written (i.e. "catra was always an inherently evil abuser who never once looked out for adora and therefore cannot believably improve, & adora was a pushover who was forced/pressured to forgive catra which ruined her own arc by sidelining/backtracking it").

i know that got rather long, but i hope it made you more confident & assured! if you ever want to write that rant, i'd love to be directed to it in the future (or you can always return to my inbox, but no one would know who the author is unless you come off anon)!

on a final note, i wish i could tell you how to avoid coming across catradora hate on tiktok but if there's a direct way then i don't know it. i can tell you to block the creators as you see them and not engage at all (even if it's negatively), or else the algorithm will get the opposite information and think you want more. that being said, it's quite easy to do on tumblr if you aren't already aware, you just have to filter out these recommended tags. also, everyone else is free to add onto any part of this post!

[bluecrocss]

Another Yap-sesh: PJO CASTING for Season 2 (Please read)

In light of the recent casting announcements, I just wanted to remind the greater PJO fandom (not that I should have to), THIS ADAPTATION IS NOT CONCERNED WITH "BOOK ACCURACY" WHEN IT COMES TO PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

They are prioritizing personality and acting ability.

I shouldn't HAVE to spell this out, since none of the literal main characters have been book accurate, but I'm still seeing shit like, "Idc if annabeth is black, but Rachel BETTER have red hair", "Thalia HAS to have her blue eyes! It's so important in the book", yadda yadda yadda

If the main characters aren't book accurate, idk why y'all are acting like they're suddenly going to lock in with side characters based off features that y'all are pretending are more important than they are because in all honesty, you just don't like change (let's at least be honest).

Like... no, it doesn't matter that Rachel Dare's initials spell out R.E.D. The red hair, literally does not fundamentally affect her story arc in the original series (I know y'all are gonna come up with some dumb B.S. like "that's the first thing Percy noticed about her! Red hair is the ONLY thing that will make her stand out!" "We're losing redhead rep. Rachel is the only character that made me feel okay about having red hair!" blah blah blah lmao)

Listen, with the exception of characters like Nico, Bianca, Ethan Nakamura, etc. Where their ethnicity actually plays into the character or story arc, y'all need to let go of hair color, skin tone, eye color, etc.

The announcements that have been leaked for Thalia and Tyson are asking for actors of any ethnicity and have no mention of any particular physical features (just an age range, that Thalia will have a punk aesthetic and Tyson needs to look like a large teenager). So accept the following:

Thalia might not have dark hair or blue eyes

Either character may be non-white (that doesn't mean they'll be black, cuz I know some of y'all will automatically try to use this as an excuse to be anti-black [["Anti-woke" losers try not use black people as a scapegoat challenge, level: impossible]]. And also, they never actually described Tyson's racial identity lmao. Y'all just tend to default to white. I'm sure you won't be losing your minds about "book accuracy" when the actor doesn't have big, disjointed, yellow teeth either).

Anyway, I'm actually deviating from the point. I don't particularly have any aesthetic demands for the characters, believe it or not. I personally don't need either of them to be poc (but I will always stand by, that DEI is a good thing and white people can never lose "rep", since it's not something y'all were ever barred from), nor do I care about eye color or hair color. They could both be completely "book accurate" and I wouldn't have an issue with it (although, I kinda hope Rachel Dare won't be a redhead, so the last of the "book accuracy" as a shield for bigotry cry babies will finally drop this series once and for all, so the rest of us can enjoy it for what it is).

The point of the post is that there is a *chance* they might not be physically book accurate, and there is no reason for y'all to put another young actor through what you demons put 12 year old Leah through (feel free to read the pinned on my page, careful tho, I'm a yapper, to get a clearer idea of that whole mess).

Once y'all leave your little echo-chamber of false reality that is the internet, actors are working people who apply for jobs they are qualified for. If there are no physical or racial specifications for a role, these working actors, who are hoping for their big break have every right to audition (btw, it's not "race-swapping" if the auditions are open to everyone. Check my pinned). When they are given that role, that is the decision of Disney, the casting directors, and Mr. Rick Riordan himself. If you disagree, find the private emails of the people responsible and contact them yourselves. Harassing the actors for fairly earning the role, and complaining about their casting on public pages "(not based off their performance, solely on their looks), which will just incite more hate towards them for being a WORKING ACTOR and accepting a JOB, makes you a bigot. No two ways about it. It is just insane behavior.

What's that completely inaccurate adage about insanity, again? Something about doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

Y'all have seen the first season. The author, show-runners, writers AND producers have spoken ad nauseam about the direction of this adaptation. The books have not been burned. They still exist in all their glory for you to read. If you need 1:1 book accuracy, this adaptation is not for you. Plenty of people have enjoyed it for what it is. Why are you making yourself miserable? Why are you making the fandom miserable? Why are you desperately trying to make the actors (most of whom are minors) miserable?

Nobody is holding a gun to your head. Simply, don't. Watch. It.

Cuz if they announce the casting for season 2, and y'all starting acting shocked that they're not "book accurate" and sending hate mobs to young actors and inciting racism and bigotry in the Fandom AGAIN... I think it'll finally speak to the true nature of this fandom. It was never about "book accuracy" it was always about hate. Whatever superiority complex the PJO fandom has been carrying over a certain *wizarding* series... y'all can just chuck out the window.

[raayllum]

by the end of s5, what do you think separates claudia and callum (if anything) from being a villain vs a hero?

Oh, there's plenty that differentiates them! This may not be as articulate as I want it to be as I've spent most of the past 3+ years pointing out / trying to convince people of Callum's similarities to Claudia and Viren (which S5 finally cinched for me, beautifully) than having to describe their differences, but I'll do my best!

Callum very much has both the best and worst of Viren and Claudia when it comes to dark magic, where he kind of borrows from each of them in distinct ways to be the most.... reasonable 'dark mage' in a lot of ways, due to 1) his views on dark magic and 2) his motivations for using it. So let's dig into it.

1) Views on dark magic

Unlike Claudia, to Callum dark magic isn't something frivolous (hi dark magic pancakes) or something to aspire after. He's far more like Viren (and even then I don't think Callum would ever consider dark magic "brilliant and clever" even if it is very much practical) in terms of seeing dark magic solely as a last resort since, as I've laid out before, Callum knows it's wrong. That it's a dangerous, slippery slope, for him in particular. Callum is also just willing to do something he Knows is wrong and see it to fruition anyway.

(Now, this also plays into the series' theme of how it's always Easier to play into / perpetuate the Cycle than it is to take the harder path of breaking it, but post for another day.)

Claudia has come closer to this viewpoint in some ways in S4 (crying as she explains what she had to do to bring Viren back) but ultimately, she doesn't think/see/know Aaravos is 'evil'. She doesn't think she's doing anything Wrong But Justified because she doesn't see anything wrong with what she's doing in the first place ("Humans were born with nothing, but we still found a way to do amazing things. That's what dark magic is really all about" / "The elves and the dragons did nothing. They judged us. They pitied us" / "All through history dragons have had the power while humans lived in fear. Well times are changing"). Callum is not that, at all, hence the guilt (even if I think more of it stems now in S4/S5 from what he knows dark magic allows - Aaravos' possession that then in turn also puts his immediate loved ones in danger).

Therefore, Callum's views on dark magic are far more akin to Viren's - powerful, dangerous, a necessity that chips away at you and you alone if you do it right, if you can successfully spare other people. Viren's comfort with dark magic goes further than that, and Callum's comfort with it is lesser than that, but they are more similar I think in their views of dark magic than either of their views are to Claudia's.

Like, regardless, Callum fundamentally disagrees with dark magic - he doesn't like or want to hurt innocent people/creatures if he can help it (again, big difference between him and other two mages, even if there are definitely areas where who Callum views as 'innocent' could be improved). It's a Last Resort, but it's a Resort. His aversion, those reservations, those lines, those morals? They exist (which is a distinction) but ultimately do not matter when Ezran or Rayla are threatened.

Which is, I suppose, as good a time as any to talk about

2) Motivations

Viren's hierarchy is the 1) the world (which his family is a part of), 2) himself, usually (because he believes he is uniquely positioned to be able to help the world & make the right choices) and 3) his family. We see this hierarchy play out pretty succinctly in 1x02-1x03 with Harrow, almost beat for beat. As Viren says there (and in S5) Harrow is his family and means everything to him... but Viren is not willing to reveal or relinquish the dragon egg in hopes of stopping the assassination, because he would rather have himself or Harrow die rather than put a weapon into Xadia's hands. This is also why he's willing to warp Soren into a cinder beast in 3x07. Not only is he personally pretty far gone at that point, but he is willing to sacrifice his family (gaslighting Soren to keep Claudia tethered in 3x03, for example + "I would've asked you to choose the egg over my own life, if it came to it"). In some ways, S5 is showing that he lost that part of himself and is now reclaiming it, making it true in ways it hasn't always been. Love is what made him Lose Himself but also how he ultimately Found Himself again (which bodes very well for Callum's S6 arc, but anyway...)

Alternatively... Callum says "I value those close to me more than Anyone or Anything" (Tales of Xadia bio) and he unequivocally means it.

Callum loves Harrow dearly, but he still knows the safest place for Ezran in 1x03 is to get the fuck away from the castle, so he goes. He breaks the primal stone after watching Rayla and Ezran mutually cry and console each other as Rayla blames herself for Zym's imminent death. As discussed, he'll do dark magic in 2x07 even though he knows it's wrong because it's Rayla's life on the line. He'll jump off the mountain for her. He'll threaten and demand answers from Soren before and after learning that Ez could be in danger, and run right into a trap. He'll do literally everything he did in 5x08 for Rayla, as we know.

In this way, he is very similar to Claudia, who would likewise Do Anything for her family and always mean it, particularly her father (after all, Soren 'walked out' on her, not the other way around; she was still trying to keep them all together). It is worth noting now, though, that Viren has now circled back, so arguably all three of them are sharing in this Motivation, and prime for Aaravos' manipulation if Viren still has a further role to play (although his curtain may have closed lmao). After all:

But yeah, Callum and Claudia are two characters who have always had a steady flow of parallels and a particularly brutal slant toward each other (because their selective loyalty is not and never has been to each other) and the easiest way to have an audience still remain sympathetic to an antagonist is to draw parallels between them and a protagonist, so...

Obviously in TDP there are 'good' guys and 'bad' guys but I don't think the series is that interested in a pure black-white good vs evil dichotomy. Almost every antagonist character is still sympathetic, developed, interesting, and we can understand where they're coming from. The protagonists make plenty of mistakes and have plenty of their own biases and contradictions; it's what makes them interesting too! People aren't necessarily Villains or Heroes so much as they are people stuck in cycles of grief and violence, and the series being an exploration of how and where and why they do or don't (or can't) break those cycles. At least, that's what I find is most useful from a meta perspective.

I think ultimately what differentiates Callum and Claudia in my head is, as mentioned, the different ways they view dark magic even if they have exceedingly similar motivations for using it, as well as Callum striking me more as the type to fight so hard to save his loved ones while they're still alive, but not quite as inclined to go as far as Claudia did and follow through on a resurrection spell the way she did. He's better at emotionally processing (although it's a low bar to clear for her) and better at letting things go, and more respectful of his loved ones' wants (most of the time). If Ez and Rayla both died in tragic/traumatic ways, I think that could (understandably) really warp him to something close to Claudia, but so long as one lived, I think they could keep him from going off the rails.

Claudia left the train station a Long time ago.

More metas that may be of interest (written before S4 and S5):

How Viren and Callum stack up flaws wise (S1-S4, screencap S5 update)

How Callum's initial view of Zym differs from Ez and Rayla (S1-S3)

Callum's morality (S1-S4)

TDP's Perpetual Trolley Problem, or How the Show Frames / Deals with Sacrifice and Exchange (S1-S4)

The Interlocking of the Cycle's Wheel with Viren, Claudia, Callum, and Rayla (S1-S4)

[riversofmars]

So I've finally finished listening to Echoes (yes I had this boxset preordered since it was announced, and yes I was incredibly slow to listen to it) and how do Liv/Helen shippers keep winning even when we've already lost (coz Liv returning to Tania at the end of Stranded)??

From episode 2: "Helen - she's my...she's everything I have left"???? I screamed??

Episode 3 where Helen went and got Liv's stuff from the TARDIS but also got her a book in case she can't sleep and a bottle of water and an apple???

Every boxset since Stranded has had Liv be ferally gay over Helen (and has obviously confirmed our favourite lesbian is in fact a lesbian ofc)

And I'm so confused by what Big Finish is doing playing with our hearts like this - but I will also gleefully, and gayfully accept whatever Liv/Helen we can get. Thoughts?

Honestly, I have no idea what Big Finish are thinking other than

Who knows, maybe they have realised that Liv/Helen sells??? And that they made a mistake with the Stranded ending??

But seriously... I hope there is a point to it all. It really does feel like they're doing it on purpose, it's SO SHIPPY! Albie's Angels was just... HELEN CHENKA?! Come on. And you're so right. How easy would it have been to have Liv say "Helen is my best friend!". Having her break off mid-sentence is a conscious choice and you can't tell me otherwise. And that scene where Helen brings Liv all that stuff and then offers to go back? ADORABLE. They're everything.

Now the way I see it... For the ending of Stranded to make sense, it can only be one of two things really. Either Liv and Helen get together and Helen dies... and Liv returns to Tania cause she can't face being with the Doctor without Helen and she tries to bury her grief that way. It would be horrible and unfair, but it would make at least a little bit of sense, because why else would Liv Chenka, brilliant med-tech from the 30th century, want to be in 21st century London where she will be bored out of her mind and never see her sister again?? It just doesn't make sense for her character unless something fundamentally changed her like the death of the woman she loved. BUT LET'S NOT THINK LIKE THAT OR I'LL CRY.

The other option, and I'll hold on to this, is that maybe they all get a happy ending and there are two Livs somehow. We already know from the end of The Robots that there is a Liv duplicate out there. While that duplicate would only have the memories of up to Escape From Kaldor, that doesn't mean that something like that couldn't happen again. This is Doctor Who after all! Think of Rose getting her personal Doctor. Maybe they send a duplicate back to Tania so she gets to be happy too (and the Stranded ending that BF may have realised was silly will still work) and Liv and Helen stay together.

Honestly, who knows! But I will also hang on every scrap BF throw us. The Liv/Helen ship is sailing strong as ever and I think BF may have noticed and decided to cater to it.

I imagine it will be a while for another set for them (though I am curious as to Hattie's role in the Time War one, that will be interesting!) and I don't know if we will ever get a resolution for them, but in the meantime, I say let's be vocal about the ship on socials, hoping BF continue to take notice and give us everything we want. It seems to be working at the moment :D

[lildoodlecat]

it's true I probably don't have the time/energy to get into smth new BUT if you have a pitch I want to hear it!! ^^ I've heard good things abt Destiny yet all I know is that the swords talk and Leon is pretty 😅

*does a lil stretch* ALRIGHTY sorry I left this in my inbox so long dolphiiin I greatly appreciate the prompt to pitch my interests your way but I knew I might have a lot to say and time isn't real ;0;

OKAY SO

Jay's Tales of Destiny Pitch

(typed while heating up my lunch lol)

First of all, Tales of Destiny for PS1 and Tales of Destiny Director's Cut for PS2 are fundamentally different games with two similar canons. The most obvious differences are with Leon, so we'll get back to that in a second

WHY DESTINY IS COOL AND AWESOME

Lovely cast!

Our main character Stahn is a very lovable idiot, he wants to help everyone and continuously reaches out to and believes the best of ppl. Maybe his kindness could be considered naive, but like. When you can believe in ppl and try to be friends with them no matter how prickly? C'mon now

Variety of dynamic characters with their own little arcs throughout the story!! These are much more fleshed out in the Director's Cut, but still present in PS1

Swordians

The consciousness of their previous wielder copied into a powerful sword!! A companion quite literally at your side :D they're pretty much their own characters, especially in DC

Don't worry abt the main plot. Like yeah the bad guys stole the eye of god (Atamoni in eng localization) which could potentially be a super dangerous tool/weapon that was originally sealed away after that last War(tm) that's distant history or whatever but Look at the little guys experiencing various agonies :33

The Swordians are also relics from the big history war but shhh

LEON

Your first meeting with him is when he kicks your ass during a battle and then arrests you

Only joins the party bc he's technically still your jailer keeping an eye on everyone while you go do a quest for the king

Brooding emo boy with daddy issues. No he will NOT be friends with you. Stop that!! (Bit of a tsundere lol but only bc of his uhh various issues :3)

most tragic little guy i cry abt him

Non-spoilery differences between PS1 and DC:

Since Director's Cut offers a character selection at the beginning of the game (similar to Xillia) you can either play the regular game from Stahn's POV (still changed from PS1) or you can follow Leon, but Leon's side is moreso for a deeper look into his character after playing Stahn's side, since Leon isn't always with the party

Leon's and Stahn's characters in particular are handled a little differently. Stahn's personality and history are a little different, but imo not really noticeably. Leon's relationships with the party are less.. distant? There's more explicit showcasing maybe. Especially with how his final separation from the party plays out a lot differently, and it changes/makes more obvious some aspects of his character (positively imo), but also leaves his fate more ambiguous than in PS1

--

Overall, similar to how I feel abt Zesty, I think the characters really bring these games to life!! Destiny PS1 I liked more for its scenery, dungeon design, and puzzles, while DC I enjoyed for its character depth via skits and cutscenes and its battle system

If you can tell I'm biased toward Stahn and Leon,, yeahhh but I do enjoy other characters like Rutee (heroine) and Philia as well ✨✨

Rutee especially is very relevant to some of my Thoughts since she's one of the more pivotal characters, being the heroine and all

Anyway!! I hope that pitch was okay lmao there's more I could probably say if I could actually remember the games better but it's been like a year since I played Destiny PS1 and months since I finished DC ;w;

In any case, tysm dolphin for indulging me :33