#it went from kinda mid to downright bad

[harrowscore]

my brother just told me my book would probably be popular on tiktok and. ngl i almost strangled him lmao

[tetsunabouquet]

I was scrolling through my blog, as I’ve received an ask that I’m pretty sure I talked about a bit before in one of my headcanons that I was currently trying to look up, and I went through the posts of this delusional Kaname fangirl who insulted my maturity and kind of gaslighted me in the follow-up post to this. ( I mean, saying that my arguments are fantasy and not from the manga when the manga literally DOES point out there's a difference between vampire ranks and the Kuran monarchy. Matsuri Hino didn't directly stated there to be a difference because JAPAN IS A MONARCHY. People from a monarchy, don't need to be stated the obvious as we already know how it works. Don't monarchsplain someone from a monarchy) Because this asshole was just downright insulting me, it didn’t hit me at first but now I’m looking at this specific post and suddenly, I notice something I didn’t the first time: This person said they discovered VK when they were 12-13 and it’s been 6 years... Considering 6 years can be in a broad sense (as I mentioned about Zero and Ichiru either being 12 or 13), then this person is 20 and BARELY out of their teens or they are STILL A TEENAGER THEMSELVES!!! Girlie, you are seriously overestimating your own maturity, ones brain hasn’t fully reached maturity until they’re in their mid-twenties like me. Your brain ISN’T that of an adult yet, so don’t talk down on kiddies younger then you. You’re only an adult in the sense you probably have the right to vote and drink for crying out loud. YOU don’t get to look down on teenagers immaturity yet, especially when you are insulting and gaslighting people for questioning a fictional chatracter’s actions throughout the course of the story. If anyone was acting like a teenager, it’s YOU and probably because you are still one yourself.  I’m not that much of a child anymore to send someone insults over a fictional character, and only a kid would afterwards act like they’re more mature and knowledgable. And why is that?

Because we adults generally are mature enough to not start insulting each other over a simple disagreement like a fictional character. We adults have politics for that.

Now, other then being 25 and being at least 5 years older then this asshole, I actually started watching VK a few months before my 16th birthday and I bought my first VK volume for my 16th birthday. Again, I was a few years older when I even picked it up, I hated Kaname right away and my hatred for him only grew as I became a full-fledged young adult BECAUSE I can now understand what it’s like to be mentally grown, to take accountability for your own actions, the power imbalance of a mental age gap, etc.  I’ve literally been in the fandom for almost a decade at this point, long enough to know about some of the early VK drama with people like Sagakure, etc. I know most of the people in the VK fandom were around before the fandom was near-dead and are either in their late teens to thirties. I’ve been part of the fandom a couple years before you even joined.  Just like, I also know from my long-experience in the fandom that Kaname fangirls and KaZe shippers usually are the most toxic people in the fandom. I’m not saying every Zero stan is perfect, I remember seeing one Zero fangirl drag a polite and pretty sweet seeming Kaname fangirl through the mud with no respect at all. But that is the only time I witnessed a Zero fangirl being toxic. I’ve been online friends with several VK fangirls for years. Kaname fangirls and this one Takuma fangirl are responsible for all the friendship drama I endured in the fandom. I’ve never even had problems with a Rido fangirl I befriended- we even had each others phone numbers and would text back in the day when we were pretty close. I still feel kinda shitty for the way we drifted a part because near the end of our friendships, I was low-key the one who was a bad friend as I was just tired of the VK drama and withdrew from interacting with the fandom to focus on my mental health. And most of this happened before you even became part of the fandom. Seriously, don’t make assumptions on someone’s age and their number of years in the fandom, because the joke is on you. 

I never talk down on newer or younger fans in my fandoms, and as I mentioned in my TWP forword, I’ve even been an OG fan who helped establish the Dutch part of the Shadowhunter Chronicles fandom which is amongst the largest YA franchises at this period of time- and this was all back when you were in elementary school.  I’ll never call younger fans, ‘kids’ or assume they are one... Unless they’re acting like a snotty teenager. Because, you deserve being called a kid and for me to point out you were still learning multiplication tables at school when I was already posting VK fanfiction.  PS: To anyone in general reading this, I do have a pet peeve of someone talking down on me because they perceive me to be a certain age. As a short woman with a babyface, people perceiving me to be younger happens often. Some people have given me shit for looking younger then I actually am. That can be annoying at best and it’s downright infuriating at worst, like when someone several years younger then me is talking down on me. I hate that with a passion. 

God, how can you just turn history upside down?

1 )You are talking about women (give an example of men?) and Why do you say Britain and Argentina if I'm talking about the Vampire Knight universe? Zero does not have a noble title. These are the rules of the story of this manga.

2)Hunters were created so that people could protect themselves and there were adult residents (and none of them were forced) (show the page where he taught children? 🤦‍♀️ And where did you see the children 😂?

Zero/Ichiru were 13*. what is the use of children? He would use it when he grew up, not for himself, but for the common good.

3) Kaname did not teach Seiren, he saved and took her under his wing and in order to repay him, she decided to become strong). he was dear to her.

4) Have you ever wondered if Kaname needed all this? (to experiment on himself, to participate in the war for so many years and all this for the sake of weak beings. Why do you think that he is obliged to do all this? He became king not because wanted, but for the sake of the world.

5) You forgot about the curse of the twins). Where one must absorb the other. Do you think a pureblood couldn't escape from prison again?

Your stories are about children, Seiren, I have a feeling that you are telling fanfiction, and not the story of this manga

Wish you good health.

Kaname is a very deep and complex character, so the bulk of his fans are an adult audience (I noticed). maybe you are a teenager when I was 12-13 I didn’t understand him, now after 6 years I understand perfectly. A huge responsibility fell on him, he is also a living person who can make mistakes and be depressed.

You remember that he postponed what was supposed to happen, but not that he just saved millions of lives without demanding anything from them in return. And if Kaname left everything as it is, he wouldn't be a bad person, would he))

I'm literally 25, don't insult my intelligence and maturity for simply seeing the numerous red flags. I already said I don't run this blog just to write these answers that make me want to vomit. I know you're the same person, cute that you want to stay anonymous. They could have been either twelve or thirteen, their age at the time of the incident was never stated, only that it is about 4 years afterwards, which could also be 4 years and a month (and Zero's birthday could have been in that month). We don't know exactly, but is it really that much of a difference when it comes to maturity? NO. So that's irrelevant. VK never stated that the Kuran monarchy isn't following the rules of real life monarchies, so your point about that is also invalid. I'm talking about Brittain and an Argentinian Dutch Queen, because they are gender flipped examples of how monarchies work in this regard. A monarch's partner is generally always given the title directly below their own regardless of their status. A King marrying a aristocratic or common woman? She's the Queen. A Queen marrying a aristocratic or common man? He's a Prince. That's how it works. You're really twisting my words about the Hunters too. I never said there was a page. I said he was involved with the very foundation of the society, and yes, in the beginning there were only adults because they had eaten the Hooded Woman. The Hunters weren't suddenly born like vampires were. However, that we aren't shown that he was teaching the children of the first Hunters, literally does not negate the fact Kaname had the power to create rules about the appropriate ages and forbid minors from at least going on missions. And don't pretend like Kaname could have established such a rule because else this would have been mentioned like the way his creation of Artemis and Bloody Rose was. He absolutely taught Seiren! Don't pretend otherwise. He was mentally an adult and definitely could have manipulated her into ACTUAL recovery. He didn't. He literally named her that because she had to 'repent', and the fact he never helped her out of her delusion only means one thing: He was using her brainwashed childhood to his own advantage. DISGUSTING. Do you think he couldn't have forbidden her to train? Do you think he couldn't just tell her to stop following him and make up fake missions whilst he does his bussiness instead of her being his bodyguard? Oh, I do know why Kaname did all of that, and you're literally ignoring the fact that I did acknowledge they were good efforts turnt into something bad. It's just that Kaname's shortcomings did contribute to why they became bad, because Kaname wasn't perfect. But the Kaname during the Hooded Woman era, was seriously suffering main character syndrome. Like the whole, 'I'm pretty much amnesiac at this point without a purpose until the love of my life comes along and gives me a mission', very hero route. Even in Memories, he's actually likable as a human without memories. But the Kaname throughout the original main series? Deserves eternal hellfire. The curse of the hunter's twins is irrelevant. It's just another allegory for a stigmatized disease that Ichiru is suffering from. Shizuka literally couldn't escape for a 1000 years until she found an accomplice in her lover. So no, she clearly could not escape on her own. Which is exactly what should have been done to Rido's remains as well, making the Shizuka- Kiryu plotline entirely unneccesary if it wasn't for Kaname planning to take down MORE then just Rido and thinking he struck gold when he saw the first known pair of living Hunter twins. I'm not telling fanfiction, but the things that are present in the manga. Kaname Kuran during his posing as Juri and Haruka's son era, is someone who literally gets me shaking with anger. I hate this piece of garbage, as I should. Stop sending me these clearly biased fangirl messages that try to talk down to me -the whole kid thing at the end, when you're too fucking lazy to even read my bio description in which I literally mention being in my mid-twenties.

[crystalas]

Junk Yard Talks

A continuation of the Demon Bull Divorce AU. I’ve never done anything like this before so if you have any questions or prompts by all means go for it.

Takes place after Hindsight.

MK, Mei and Red Son are scrap hunting in the junk yard for stuff to upgrade the tuk-tuk and truck, they run into a certain pair of demons.

Junk yard talks

Mei had never thought of exploring the city’s Junk Yard because if she needed any parts for her bike, she could always buy them brand new from the shop but according to Red Son it was a treasure trove of finds. For her it was a treasure trove of smells.

“Especially for prototypes and if you’re on a budget!” he had explained giving MK and a side long glance, “For me at least if a prototype blows up then at least I don’t have to worry about costs!”

“So, what are we looking for?” MK demanded as he inspected a rusted-out van.

“I don’t know that’s the beauty of looking!” Red Son exclaimed “You never know when inspiration will hit you!”

“Hopefully inspiration will hit us without us needing tetanus jabs afterwards” Mei muttered as she navigated around some sharp looking scraps and then glared at MK.

“Don’t give me that look it was his turn to choose what we did for the day!” MK whispered back at her. “I thought you’d be into this being a motor head yourself!”

“When he said we were going to be looking at machine parts I thought he meant shopping not dumpster diving!” she hissed back. And Red Son had begun to rummage through what looked to be a car that had been hit a train, MK kept his hands in his pockets as he looked around. It was weirdly giving him an idea to draw a monster made of junk maybe with an old digger spade for a jaw and rusty chains for hair…he took out his little note book he always kept on him when such idea struck him and began to sketch down the parts he wanted to use.

Huh maybe Red Son was right about inspiration hitting you here.

“Monkie Kid!” a voice demanded “It’s your worst nightmare!”

“Yin!”

“Jin!”

“The gold and silver demons!” the two voices sang before mimicking a rock solo, only then did MK look up and saw the two demons glaring at him crossly as they perched on top of nearby junk pile obviously hoping for more of a reaction that dumb confusion.

“Oi mate!” the gold one growled “It’s considered common courtesy to at least look at your demise!”

“Sorry I was in the zone!” MK apologized as he took out his staff to fight.

“Yeah, well you’re being very rude!” Yin declared.

“Barging into our home, not even acknowledging our sweet introduction; downright disrespectful I’d call it!” Jin cried.

“Hey MK did you find anything?” Mei asked and MK waved her off. “Hey weren’t those the guys who tried to run Pigsy out of business?”

“Yeah, I gotta fight them so give me a minute”

“A MINUTE??!” the two demons roared “You got some nerve!”

“Need a hand?”

“Don’t ignore us!” Yin shouted and MK looked up to see the two demons leaping down prepared to fight and MK prepared to do battle.

“What’s going on Noodle boy?” Red Son demanded as he turned a corner just to see everyone in mid fight pause and stare at him before Yin and Jin took a step back.

“Monkie Kid! Not Monkey King!” Yin grumbled and smacked his brother around the head “Told you we should have written that down!”

“Kid, King it’s kinda easy to mix up!”

“Hey are we fighting or what?” MK demanded “You wanted this!”

“Nah we’re good!” Jin exclaimed “Hey Red Boy how are things?”

“Not bad all things considered” Red Son said “How are you two doing? Last I saw you were on TV trying to out cook Pigsy”

“Yeah, to be fair that was one of our more thought out plans we had…” Jin muttered.

“You know these guys?!” Mei demanded reminding the demons of the humans in the group. Red Son turned around to face his friends.

“Oh yeah we go waaaay back!” Jin laughed and patted Red Son on the back.

“We are probably the first demons to start mixing Tech and magic, these two are great to bounce ideas off with. Speaking of which, how did that improved calabash idea go? Did you managed to get pass that whole melting the victim problem?” Red Son asked and MK perked up at that last bit and saw the two metallic demons giving him an interesting look that was a mix of “don’t you dare tell him about that” and “Please don’t tell him about that”.

“Nah it kinda went belly-up we had to go back to the drawing board ya know?” Yin exclaimed and hustled Red Son away from MK in case the Monkie Kid decided to remind the two that the calabash did indeed work and he broke it when they tried to kidnap him with it.

“Pity” Red Son muttered “The idea of having an entire illusionary world that you can carry on you sounded like a fun idea. To be able to recreate places from memories or even create new locations entirely… you could have made it like a vacation spot for demons!”

“That’s a way better idea than using it as a holding cell for our enemies!” Jin moaned out loud to which everyone except MK turned to stare at him confused, Yin just face palmed.

“Anyway, you looking for anything in particular?” Yin interjected before anyone could question that statement Red Son pulled out a blue print.

“I’m looking to improve this, which needs better suspension…” he began and Yin looked at the blueprint nodded sagely, before scanning the junk yard.

“Yeah, I think I saw a quad bike over there, the engine is totally buggared but everything else is good to go!” he exclaimed Red Son grinned and trotted over with Yin leading the way. Jin watched the two go before glancing back at Mei and MK who were still on guard, sword and staff in hand just in case.

“So…how’s Red Boy been lately?” the demon asked quietly.

“Huh?!” Mei spluttered.

“I mean what with the whole divorce thing going on…”

“DIVORCE!?” MK cried out before being shushed by Jin loudly, he shot a look over to where his brother and Red Son had gone. “Sorry…but divorce? Red Son said his parents were going through a rough patch not ending it entirely!”

“That’s not what we heard on the ol’ demon grapevine, DBK going the whole nine yard on it. that’s practically unheard of in our community especially royalty. If you’re a king and you didn’t like your wife you just got a consort or something…”

“What did they say about Red Son?” MK asked concerned.

“Yeah, I heard you guys saying about mixing up Monkie Kid with Monkey King” Mei asked, all three scanned the area in case Red Son was in ear shot before returning to the huddle.

“We were told that until the whole thing was sorted out Red Son now belong to Monkey King’s court, turns out they meant YOUR court” Jin explained.

“Court sounds so uptight and fancy, I prefer the word team…” MK muttered before getting back on the topic. “Wait so why did DBK do that?” he demanded to which Jin just shrugged.

“No clue…” he muttered.

“How come he never told us? Does he even know himself?” Mei wondered but Jin couldn’t answer as Red Son and Yin came back easily dragging a quad bike that looked like someone had tried to drive it through a boulder and failed.

“Hey look these are practically brand new and we can use the fourth as a spare!” he chirped happily.

“Good find mate!” Jin beamed, “Why don’t you guys stay for lunch? We’re having toad in the hole!”

MK and Mei blanched at the idea of eating roasted toads or something and the demon brothers grinned.

“Oh, come on we’ll be having some spotted dick for afters!” he chuckled Mei nearly gagged at the idea and Red Son gave a sigh.

“Relax Toad in the hole is an English dish of sausage in batter, and spotted dick is a steamed current pudding” Yin and Jin gave a groan.

“Spoil our fun why don’t you?” Yin growled.

“You know how to cook English dishes?” MK asked.

“We travelled to London during the whole industrial revolution, very informative on the top-of-the-line tech at the time and what can we say? The accent stuck!” Jin explained “you found it fun too didn’t you Red?”

“You went too?” Mei asked and Red Son crossed his arms and looked annoyed.

“He didn’t stick around like we did, not after the Spring Heel Jack incident” Yin chuckled and playfully punched Red Son’s shoulder who gave a half-hearted growl.

“In my defence it was the one time and that old bat deserved getting her eye brows singed off, ‘filthy savage’ indeed!” he grumbled “all the other spring heeled jack sightings were not me!”

 Notes: I love the head canon that Yin, Jin and Red Son hang out and helped each other with their projects. Also, Spring Heel Jack was a Victorian creepy pasta of a being who could breathe fire, leap inhumanly high and vanish in an instant…sound familiar huh?

[radramblog]

Radiohead Retrospective Part 4: We’ve got heads on sticks

Your name is Thom Yorke. You’ve just released what is considered one of the best albums of the 90s, if not of all time, and you’ve achieved a level of fame that at least one band member considers akin to the Beatles. Through the release of OK Computer, you’ve proven that even if people are pretty much over Oasis at this point, British rock bands still rule the airwaves. You’re also stressed the fuck out over just about all of this, and having a very hard time accustoming to the life of a celebrity- let alone the usual mental health issues.

What will you do?

Apparently, the answer was to write the fourth album to be as far away from the previous few as possible, seeking influence from IDM groups like Aphex Twin, jazz stuff, and just some bizarro instruments and experimentation and leaving a lot of the “rock” stuff behind. The primary genre listed for Kid A is usually Electronica or Ambient, with various off-kilter rock subgenres lagging behind, crying “you’re still gonna do guitars and stuff, right?”

Well…not as much anymore. But this era of Radiohead, this career-suicidal swerve, still proved monumentally successful, and showed that the band still had it, and that sometimes artistic risks do pay dividends.

A side note: I usually link music videos for the tracks I discuss as part of each post, as you’ll have seen in previous parts of this series. Kid A, however, doesn’t have any singles, and it sure doesn’t have any music videos. So…maybe just listen yourself. I’m probably in over my head here anyway.

I think the first 5 notes of Everything In Its Right Place are some of the most iconic in all of music.

Some personal background- Kid A was the first Radiohead I ever listened to. A particular cool and good mate of mine was a fan in high school, but I’d never listened to them at all, and I trusted his opinion musically, so I went to buy one of their CDs the next time I was at the shop. And for whatever reason, the cheapest one was Kid A at 10 bucks, and I didn’t want to gamble more than that, so that’s the one I got.

So the opening notes of Everything In Its Right Place were the first Radiohead I ever heard. And considering how much I obsessed over this band, in high school and beyond, it’s no surprise that this song is one of my favourites.

Not only did this song introduce me to Radiohead, it was effectively a gateway track for electronic music in general. This was the early 10s, and the majority of what I knew as electronic stuff was the EDM that was drowning the airwaves at the time. I hated that stuff out of principle, because being a hipster like that was definitely a personality. I don’t think I would ever have gotten into Vaporwave, into IDM, or into any electronic music the way I eventually would were it not for Everything In Its Right Place.

Now that I’ve spent 250 words talking about myself and not the actual song, we should probably stop that. Everything In Its Right Place is defined by this steady build of layering vocals and effects onto the relatively calm synth line, distorted vocals and word salad lyrics and manipulated noises growing and getting more chaotic before it just stops- the vocals fade out, the effects drop, and you’re left with the synth line- except it’s been slowly changing itself the whole time, and you don’t realise because you’ve been distracted by everything else at the same time.

It’s worth noting (and I don’t know if this was the case with OK Computer, because I don’t have an original copy of that one) that this was an album without liner notes, without the lyrics in the cover booklet. But at least in this case, the lyrics don’t matter as much as the v i b e. At least, that’s what I think.

On the topic of unintelligible lyrics, Kid A has a title track! I believe literally two Radiohead albums do this, the other being The Bends (though Hail to the Thief and In Rainbows do appear as lyrics). The song itself is an ambient, quiet piece that feels something like a twisted nursery tune- incredibly affected vocals, a syncopated (?) percussion, and a synth (I think???) that…I don’t know how to describe it, but it feels nursery-rhyme-y. If you’ve heard this song a few times, or you know what to listen for, you can piece together the lyrics somewhat- and they are, frankly, kind of unsettling. What is standing in the shadows at the end of your bed, can it please leave? And imagery of the Pied Piper is always either extremely silly or extremely unnerving, with this clearly leaning towards the latter. There’s a lot going on here- especially for a track most probably wouldn’t listen to outside the context of the full album. I know I generally don’t- not the kind of thing I generally am in the mood for.

 We’re at 850+ words, and we’re only up to The National Anthem? Fuuuuck. Well, anyone who wasn’t on board the IDM train can at least appreciate this one more, it’s got an actual bassline. A killer one, at that, that drives the whole track. Well, you know, that and the B R A S S. Seriously, it sounds like they invited a marching band to this bad boy. The combination ends up sounding mostly like controlled chaos, a jazz band traffic jam wound together by that B A S S. But the bass can’t hold it forever, and eventually that shit breaks free and just, it just honks all over the place.

I’m frustratingly running out of things to say about this song I really like, as opposed to the other songs I really liked. Unfortunately, ya boi forgot to take his neurotypicalification pills today, and so I’m getting very distracted. Hopefully, that slightly unhinged nature suits the album somewhat.

The next song, How To Disappear Completely, is a Big Mood with a fun story attached. The main lyrics- I’m not here, this isn’t happening- were allegedly something none other than Michael Stipe from R.E.M. told Thom to help him deal with that massive stage fright that came with Getting Big. Fun trivia aside, this song is gorgeous, luscious with massive strings, an acoustic bend, aethereal vocals, and a background drone running through the thing that makes sure your hair is always a little on end through the thing. It’s a song whose lyrics are an attempt to escape anxiety, whose instrumentation serves more to reinforce it- a calm, melodic piece that builds into nervous swells and threatening strings. A song about fighting your fear, and losing.

Fuck me it’s a bit depressing isn’t it. It’s potentially the most emotionally revealing song the album has- a lot of the lyricism on other tracks is more metaphorical, or subtle, but the meaning in How To Disappear Completely is evident even just from the title. You get lost in the strings and they go from calming, to imposing, to downright menacing (and then back again) in the song’s final minute.

Treefingers, on the other hand, has a lot less to say, and by that I mean it’s an instrumental. A very atmospheric, ambient one, and thereby one I don’t have a lot to say about. I’m not sure I’m particularly good at commenting on regular music, but this kinda thing is a whole different animal. I have no idea how to interact with discussing this. I like it? I will say, that one note right at the end, that echoes for a bit, the one piece of clarity in this muddled, reverbed sphere, feels especially poignant, for reasons I cannot describe.

We go from ambient instrumental to arguable the most rock-song-like track on this album, Optimistic, certified banger that it is. Some might argue that it doesn’t fit here, but like, did they even hear the lyrics? The bridge? It more that deserves its place on one of the best albums around. The little way the guitar scales up during the chorus is excellent, the proggy drums and riffs are glorious, it’s just a very good rock song.

Also this is the first song with the lyric “dinosaurs roaming the earth”, which, aside from being a bit of a non-sequitur, would return two albums later. And I’m really looking forward to that one.

In Limbo is a song I kind of always forget exists until I hear it again. It’s antimemetic, the way the song goes slipping from my mind until I hear those opening notes again. I’m going to be honest, it’s probably because it’s also the most mid song on the album. Far from bad, but it isn’t doing anything that How to Disappear Completely or Optimistic aren’t doing better. If I had to remove any track from this album, it might be this one?

Watch me get fucking lynched from the fandom for that one, if I ever post this to r/Radiohead or whatever. Which I might, though as much as I’d like more people to read my things I’m also extremely anxious about the potential response. Like the album I’m discussing today, I’m terrified of fame.

Incidentally, In Limbo is also the shortest track on the album (Treefingers beats it by 11 seconds), though this isn’t initially obvious online at least, because people keep messing with Motion Picture Soundtrack. But we’re not there yet, hang on.

We go from the forgettable (to me) In Limbo to the utterly mesmerizing Idioteque. Anxious but danceable, confusing but emotive, messy but tightly controlled. I love this fucking song to death. The reason I got the particular Radiohead poster that I did was because it has lyrics from this on it.

I’ve heard that lyrics for this album were largely pulled from a hat, and nowhere is that more clear than here (or maybe Everything In Its Right Place). Despite this, there’s a pretty clear theme in them, a continuation of some of the themes of this and the last albums. A condemnation of wealth and cowardice in the face of ecological disaster. In the form of an apocalypse disco.

What a lot of people don’t know about this track is that it actually samples an extremely old electronic music piece- one written in 1973, on a particularly old computer. The track, mild und leise, is a very interesting track considering its age- I’m reminded of Selected Ambient Works by Aphex Twin- not so much musically, but about how that reason was as influential as it was because it was the first time songs had sounded like that, because it was the first time songs could sound like that- I suppose it’s somewhat similar in that way, if older. These pieces and their composers inexorably linked by the allure of technology, and how that could be used to define new eras in music history- in Radiohead’s case, it certainly defined the next few albums in their lifespan.

Jesus mild und leise is long, it’s still going as I write this. I need to get back to Kid A, man!

Idioteque leads directly into Morning Bell, admittedly another less memorable song. Largely percussion lead, plenty of falsetto, and with a very unsubtle theme if you listen to the lyrics. I recall seeing someone saying that “cut the kids in half” was a really surprising and spooky line, and, yeah, sure, it sort of is, but it’s only particularly bad if you don’t pay attention for the rest of it. It’s about divorce, dude, it’s not subtle.

Or apparently not, according to one interview, but Thom said the interpretation isn’t invalid, so haha still winning baybeeeee.

I think the only part of this I really can’t do without is the outro, because the last minute and a half of this song is really cool. The mumbled lyrics go really well with the rising percussion and eerie effects that end the track.

Our final song is Motion Picture Soundtrack, or, Exit Music (for Walt Disney’s Depression Nap). This and Street Spirit I think are what really cement Radiohead’s reputation for brutal closers, both of them being tragic but hauntingly beautiful in different ways. In this case, it’s the instrumentation- glittering harps attempting the echo 50s Disney. There’s actually a version of this song from the OK Computer era with extremely different instrumentation, piano rather than organ, and no harps (and a third verse that is utterly brutal). Regardless, this is the song they chose to close the apocalypse that Kid A is on- the final lyric being “I will see you in the next life”, as the glittering echoes into the night. Poignant and tragic, but a little hopeful- the next life hopefully won’t have the struggles and pain of this one.

And then, of course, there’s the hidden track. Nicknamed Genchildren by some (that’s just the username of the dude who uploaded it to Napster back in the day), officially known as Untitled, and the true closer to the album. With Spotify slapping it right at the end of Motion Picture Soundtrack, it’s not clear the true nature of this song- it’s actually hidden on the original album, after several minutes of silence, just long enough that you’ve forgotten you left the player running (or you’re still crying from Motion Picture Soundtrack). I don’t think there’s a real word for what this sounds like other than heavenly, and incredibly brief piece I’ve heard compared to the pearly gates. After all, if we end on “I will see you in the next life”, then what can this be but that?

 Thus closes Kid A, a gorgeous and powerful album, yet an insane swerve for any rock band to pull, not just Radiohead. A bold strategy, and yet it paid off for them- Kid A would not only be massively influential, it was also massively successful both critically and commercially- but not to the standard of OK Computer before it. But they obviously weren’t trying to do OK Computer part 2, just as that album was deliberately not The Bends part 2.

Kid A would pretty much get a Part 2, though, less than a year later. And it’s that album we’ll be discussing next week, obviously. Until then.

[blazehedgehog]

Sorry to ask this, but what are your thoughts on Dunky's "I'm Done Making Good Videos" with regards to content you aspire to author vs what the average joe actually searches for

I don’t know if I’m the best person to be asking this, really.

Let’s get fully inside baseball here. Let’s pull the curtain all the way back. Actually, let’s burn down the curtain. I’m going to overshare like hell right now. Get ready for the most stream-of-consciousness rambling ever, because a lot of this has been boiling in my head and dying to get out.

For the entirety of my Youtube channel, I’ve pretty much only ever done what I want to do. Very rarely do I chase trends, or do what’s hot, or even do what people want me to do. I do whatever I feel like doing.

I have paid the price for that. My Youtube channel is 15 years old as of this year, and only now am I slowly inching towards 25,000 subscribers. I am incredibly inconsistent. What’s my channel post? Well, a couple times a year, maybe I put together an edited essay/review for a game. But I also sometimes post random, unedited, uncommentated gameplay footage. Maybe it’s a fan game, maybe it’s a gameplay demo, maybe it’s Fortnite. Sometimes, I also post remastered video game music. Every Halloween, I dump a bunch of one-off horror Let’s Plays on to my channel. And then, there’s the podcast.

I know exactly what my problems are. I don’t specialize enough, and I don’t put content out fast enough. Because most Youtube channels are, like, “shows”, right. The Did You Know Gaming show. The Markiplier show. The Angry Video Game Nerd show. And you can point at those and say exactly what they are in two sentences or less.

Did You Know Gaming specializes in informative videos uncovering obscure facts you might not know about popular video games.

Markiplier is a Youtuber that does Let’s Play videos for video games, primarily horror games, but he also focuses on general comedy skits and things of that nature.

The Angry Video Game Nerd is about one guy’s over the top reactions to bad video games.

What does BlazeHedgehog do? Well, he does a lot of Sonic fan content, but sometimes he does horror let’s plays, and sometimes he does multiplayer compilation videos sort of like Criken, but he also does music, and sometimes he makes video games and puts out videos of that, and in general he’s really low energy and sometimes there will be three or four weeks between uploads. Also he sounds like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds Snot from Family Guy (apparently).

If you come to my channel for something specific, you have to put up with everything else I upload. I could start separate channels for that content, but the barrier to entry on Youtube is so massive now that I would effectively sending those channels to their death. Videos that get 200-500 views on my main channel would get 10 views or less if they were on their own self-contained alt-channel.

So I languish. I struggle. I suffer. Youtube shows me red down arrows to tell me just how much worse I’m doing now than my last flash-in-the-pan success.

I’ve tried to chase success. It just makes me sad. I have a sense of humor, but I don’t think I can make “funny videos” like some people can. My Sonic 06 glitch video did gangbusters ten years ago, but I don’t often like kicking games when they’re down. It was a struggle to make that Sonic Boom glitch montage and that’s the reason I never followed through with Part 2 like I said I would.

My only wish is that people appreciate honesty. My Youtube channel might be a scattered mess, but that’s who I am. And more than anything, I think that’s what Dunkey’s video was about. His whole joke was about switching from thoughtful or funny videos to becoming a content farm for whatever is currently popular.

I’ve brought it up a few times here and there over the last few months, but I’ve had several brushes with the Fortnite side of Youtube recently. And there are so many dudes over there who are what I would generously call “grifters.” I follow Hypex on Twitter and routinely check Firemonkey and ShiinaBR because they datamine future Fortnite updates and often have the scoop days, weeks or sometimes months in advance.

Near the end of season 3, all three of them mentioned they had datamined “the next season” but wouldn’t say what it was because they didn’t want to spoil what was coming (the marvel season). They mentioned there were “others out there” that were spoiling things, but wouldn’t say who. I wanted to spoil myself, so I turned to Youtube.

And Youtube was a nightmare. Over and over and over, I would encounter tons of people downright thriving on the same grift. It’s an open secret that Youtube prioritizes longer videos, so if your video is under ten minutes (or I think now 8 minutes), the algorithm isn’t going to be as nice to you and won’t promote your video as well, and you aren’t going to get as much advertising money because fewer people are going to sit through a video advertisement that’s a quarter of your video’s entire length. Longer videos are more profitable for Youtube, and by extension, for the user uploading them.

So it was video after video of these guys making big bold claims about how they had all the answers on what the next season of Fortnite was, and you’re thinking, “oh wow, it’s a 17 minute video, they’re going to spoil everything!”

You load the video up and it’s some guy in his streamer man cave, he’s got his webcam on, and he loads in to a match of Fortnite with his squad. Keep in mind, this video was pitched as a news report of sorts, a big spoiling of future content... and it’s just a guy playing Fortnite with a crew. In the few seconds between matches as he queues for the next one, he stops to deliver a single shred of information, most of which start with “Hypex said...”

The one thing you came to this video for and it’s scattered like breadcrumbs across a 17 minute video of a guy just playing normal matches Fortnite to fill time. It’s not information they acquired for themselves, they all just regurgitate what Hypex said, or what other channels reported Hypex saying. 17 minutes of padding for scraps of second-hand leaks. And I found dozens of these channels, all repeating the same format, all repeating the same specks of leaked information, and all of them had 150,000 to 200,000 views on each of their videos in less than 24 hours. That’s hundreds of dollars per video on a format to scam the system.

But that’s a content farm. Those dudes are vultures. I have a hard time believing their hearts are really in it. I know it’s not a term that’s really in vogue anymore, but I see that as “selling out.” They know what they are doing and it’s to make money, not to make a community better. I mean, one of those videos was a guy who was reading Marvel comic hero profiles off of Wikipedia because it sounded like he literally did not know who guys like Iron Man, Thor and Wolverine even were. How are you in touch enough with pop culture that you’re cranking out factory-fresh Fortnite content for Youtube but you don’t know who Thor is? Answer: because you don’t really care and you’re in it for the money. Gotta hit that 15 minute threshold and put in six mid-roll ad breaks.

I could be that guy. That’s kind of what I was hoping “This Kinda Sucks” would turn in to, which would be sort of a rant video series like The Jimquisition or something. But I did not have the interest or energy to keep that up. So you get a playlist with two videos on it.

I’m sure Dunkey was just funnin’ around. Dude has 6 million subscribers. But for me, like... what he said in the video is mostly true. Following your heart and making thoughtful content you are personally interested in won’t pay the bills. I mean, as I predicted, that Jurassic Park video launched to the sound of crickets chirping. My most hardcore fans and a few curious onlookers checked it out but that was it. I’ve been working on that video since August, and it’s something my viewer base did not care about. But I cared about it, and that’s important for the long-run, I think.

The other problem, sort of a disconnect, is that I’m lucky to be in the position I’m in. I think guys like Dunkey probably make all of their money from places like Youtube and Twitch and Patreon and that’s their career. That work pays all of their bills.

My work does not pay my bills. Or it does, but it’s not enough to pay all of my bills. I am lucky enough right now that I am in a living situation where I can make fractions of money in intermittent spurts. That won’t always be the case. But for now, I get to be honest, and I get to follow my heart in whatever random, chaotic direction it feels like going that particular day. Dunkey faces a different sort of pressure than I do.

All of this is to say I have no idea what I’m doing, I guess. I make the content I want to see.

That being said, I increasingly think about something I heard Woolie say early on when he went solo for his WoolieVS channel, and that was the idea of “One for you, one for me, one for us.”

Because I’ve had more than one friend burn out doing, like, Twitch streams and stuff. You hear about Youtubers who get sick of being shackled to new releases or whatever’s popular. At some point these people wake up and realize they’ve had this struggle, maybe made some money in the process, but they’re miserable because they don’t get to do what they want to do. They’re always being pushed forward by the fans that are behind them.

The “One for you, one for me, one for us” mantra does at least keep you a little more sane. Balance in all things, right? So that Jurassic Park video, it can flop. It’d be nice if it didn’t flop, given what time of the year it is, but it’s a video for me. I have other video ideas in the chamber that I know will be for my audience, or “for us.”

I just have to stay true to myself, and to my messy brain.

[snarkwriteswrasslin]

I need to be on brand and request Kyle O'Reilly headcanons. If you wanna throw in a werewolf one yknow as a treat it would be much obliged.

Ahhh fuck I love you for this. You KNOW I love this man and am an absolute SLUT for all things lycanthrope, so I apologize right now if that kinda... takes this over... Because once I got started thinking about our boy as a wolf? I couldn’t fucking stop ( and yes.. it’s probably going to get a little dirty ) .... So gladly. Lemme just..

Oh yeah.. If you’re not 18+ see your way out. I probably should’ve put this on the Kenny post earlier but eh.. I was still waking up. Anyway, let me just get into it and repeat again. If you’re not 18+ this is not for you.

LIFE EDIT. THE WOLF ONES TOOK OVER> SO THIS IS WEREWOLF!KYLE. Oops.

Tag Squad:

@kyleoreillysknee @rampagewriting @writertoo18 @thatnerdwriter @wrestlingismyguiltypleasure @chasingeverybreakingwave @unabashedwrestlefics @heelsamizayn @missjenniferb @adampage @cabotcoves @cowboyshit @dietwrestling

[ tag list doc ] [ masterlist ] [ keep ‘em coming - they’re super fun ]

┎ You’d never guess that Kyle was anything other than a smart, sexy & funny mild mannered guy.. But then the full moon comes and that other side takes over. At first, you wondered why he’d grow distant around the full moon every month but you couldn’t bring yourself to ask. You probably wouldn’t have ever known anything different if you hadn’t shown up at his place to check on him and found him. He tried to make you leave but you absolutely refused, pushing your way into the door of his apartment where you feasted your eyes on Kyle, barely hanging on, the animal within taking over a little more each second. 

-- he leaned into you, his nose ghosting the curve separating your neck from your shoulder and you bit back a whimper. Important to note here... Up to this point you two were just friends. But you wanted more. ;p 

-- “So sweet.” his assessment of the scent of your body was accompanied by this flash of amber lighting his irises momentarily. His pupils grew and he stepped so much closer, melting into you, his arms wrapping around you, holding you tight and in a voice more growl than speaking, he mumbled against your hair, “Mine.” the question mark hanging heavily in the air as you melted right back into him and gave a drawn out sigh. “Always. No matter what.” 

┎  There are other times the animal pries it’s way to the surface.. See, Kyle having this other side can make him a little... Territorial at times. Like the time that Adam Cole was trying to chat you up backstage at a Ring Of Honor thing. Yeah, Kyle did not fucking like that one bit because Adam was just as in his head at the time as he was in Adam’s. He kept you by his side and wouldn’t take an eye off you the whole night. And when you got back to the hotel, whew..

-- You two barely made it in the door of his room and his fingers were already tugging at the hem of your shirt. His hips were snapping, each rub against you leaving you a little shakier than the last. You came away with more bite marks / evidence he’d been there the next morning than Kyle normally left. 

-- You’ve spent a lot of time since trying to figure out just how to push that side out more often. You love Kyle being gentle with you, yes, but that night was just... Intense. Downright primal. He was leaving his claim on you for everyone to see.

┎ He’s very gentle with you. Very. Think a lot of staring deep into your eyes, his hands gliding up and down your body, gripping at random with every single slow and deliberate thrust. He’ll kiss the bridge of your nose and brush your hair out of your face, even rub his nose against yours all while saying the absolute sweetest things. 

-- Believes in laughter during sex. Embraces the weird / comical things that happen on occasion, from Bobby Fish bursting in mid fuck and stumbling right back out while hollering and holding his hands over his eyes to the time that you two went in for a kiss at the same time and smacked faces. He’s not going to be all uptight and insist that laughter kills the mood. In fact.. In his case? 99 percent of the time, laughter in bed ENHANCES just how good sex with Kyle is. Not that it needs enhancing, of course.

┎  Very, very, very into creating a mood. Loves to keep the lights soft and low. Really loves to make love to music, especially classic rock. Especially the slower ballad type songs.

┎  Could eat you out all night. As it is, he won’t stop until you practically have to try and stop him. That tongue knows exactly how to make you whimper and moan and grab the bedsheets and his hair. He loves it when you thrust your hips upward at his mouth too. (IE, bby loves to just fucking bury his face in it and when he pulls away, your juices are usually dripping from his chin and he does not give one single fuck. He’s too busy giving you that cocky little grin and wink, leaning down to kiss you and whisper in that cocky tone, “You liked that a little bit, huh?”) 

┎  Absolutely fucking loses it when you go down on him. Whimpering, gently grabbing your hair, bucking his hips against your mouth, begging for more. If you really want him to lose it, pull away after he’s came and let him watch you swallow. You’ll definitely get driven into the mattresses. 

┎  Honestly, his favorite position is missionary. Because he loves to stare down at you beneath him. To be within ease of kissing you distance at all times. To be able to grab hold of your hips to keep you still, to angle them upward so he can bury himself even deeper inside. Growling against your ear.

┎  Remember when I mentioned the animal side taking over? That’s when he’ll whisper the dirtiest shit into your ear. That’s also when he likes you on all fours, settled over you or both of you on your knees, you backed up against him so that he can both squeeze your tits and slam you up and down on his cock until you’re screaming his name. 

-- just one of the things he’s growled into your ear during, “Look at you, grinding against everything, you’re really desperate for it. Aren’t you?” - he was heavily teasing you, having you ride his thigh while he was sitting sprawled in a chair. This continued when he got you on your back, tore off your clothes and started to use his fingers to show you exactly how he was planning to wreck you shortly. And he refused to let you get off.

┎  “You’re taking me so well, sweetheart. You feel so fucking amazing. So wet I can barely stay in.” - he loves giving praise during. Loves it. 

┎ Likes to rip clothing off you. Seriously, nothing you wear is safe when he gets going. Especially if he’s in a mood. 

-- He once used your torn tee shirt to lightly tie your wrists while he teased you with his mouth dancing all over your skin, stopping once in a while to look up at you, bite his lip and just fucking groan, buck himself against the bed as if to show just how bad he wanted you. 

┎  When he’s done with you, he’ll collapse on the bed beside you and pull you on top of him, his arms going straight around you, giving you a little squeeze. Then he’ll yawn and kiss the bridge of your nose and mutter in that sleepy little voice, “Love you, sweetheart. Just.. wanna stay like this for a while, okay?” which you gladly oblige.

[rockofeye]

Bonswa Houngan!! I had a question...how do you spot a trained, initiated priest who is trying to swindle you/take advantage of you financially through the religion? I know that this religion can have heavy costs and services just generally cost something but beyond outright fakers or scammers, how do you spot people who are licensed to do the spiritual work of this tradition, but try to take advantage of you or profit off of you? Thanks

Hi there,

This is a good question. One of the unfortunate realities is that there are priests who were made correctly who make bad choices that harm others. Additionally, there are people who believe they were made correctly who are perpetuating that fraud that was inflicted upon them. It’s a crap thing that this is the reality, but the internet has provided a platform for the spread of information and there are unethical folks who take advantage of that and the relative ignorance of folks who are seekers. It’s even worse when they don’t even realize that what they are doing is based in fraud, because that’s what they were given.

I am of the mind that if someone is out there swindling folks or perpetuating fraud, they are not a legitimate priest. It’s a betrayal of the oaths we take as part of our initiation and so when they begin cashing in on people, they lose what makes them a legit priest. You can come out of an ethical djevo and turn out to be a terrible person. Kanzo gives us tools and opportunities, but it can’t force us to be good people or ethical priests.

It can definitely be hard to tell. Because learning and information in Haitian Vodou is passed teacher to student, it can be a challenge to discern what is accurate and what might look pretty but is broken. There’s no one way to figure it out, but there can be a lot of signs and symptoms of stuff that is not so great and/or downright harmful. I’ll write about a bunch of them below, but of course nothing is exhaustive...sadly there is always more.

Here’s some big red flashing warning signs:

They say they have the only ‘real Vodou’. It often is spelled out as that they are the only ones who have ‘real Vodou’. This plays on someone’s desire for spiritual authenticity and the search for a spiritual home, and seeks to create a dynamic where they are the only source of information. After all, who would want something that’s not real? The truth is that Haitian Vodou varies throughout the country. There are definitely some things that are absolutes in the religion, but there’s a lot that depends on location, lineage, style of initiation, and other factors. Insisting that they are the ones who can pass on what Vodou really is boils down to either miseducation (they were conned themselves) or deliberate manipulation (they are being con artists.

Don’t go talk to other people. This often goes hand-in-hand with the ‘real Vodou’ thing. Folks get told that they should not (or outright cannot) talk to other vodouizan. This is often couched as that no one else can help you or that this specific group is made up of bad people or whatever. This is an isolation technique that is setting you up to be beholden to one person or one group. In any other religious tradition, this would be labeled cult-like behavior, but folks seem willing to accept that in Haitian Vodou for whatever reason. 

As a priest, it’s not my job to dissuade you from speaking to other priests or tell you that you should not seek out what Vodou looks like anywhere else. Part of the discernment process SHOULD be seeing as much Vodou as is possible before making commitments, if indeed commitments are what is being asked for by the lwa. It’s not the place of a priest to try and limit your access to the religion even if you it leads you away from them because it is not the job of a priest to limit you. If the lwa want you with someone, they will make that clear if you listen.

(More behind the cut...this got really long)

All the shit talk. Everyone in the religion has their own feelings about regleman and what other people do, and it’s not uncommon for people to instruct their ti fey/children born from ceremony in why what someone else does would not be acceptable in their house. It’s not uncommon for people to be gossipy (because we are all human). What is kinda out of hand is for folks to be outright denigrating someone to a seeker or a client. It’s poor form. We can say that we do things differently, we can say that we were taught differently or that we are not sure why someone would do xyz that way, we can even say that something was not done correctly or that you were misled without going in on some character assassination. This kind of thing is born from jealousy and insecurity, and it’s super transparent. 

Exorbitant prices. Like you identified, things cost money. Neither people nor the lwa work without being paid, and part of the sacrifice of kanzo is the work and time it takes to come up with the financial sacrifice. That being said, there is unreasonable cost. With my airfare/transportation, special clothing, and all my personal shopping included, I paid about $10,000USD for my kanzo. The base fee was $8500, and I was given a complete accounting of what was purchased in my name. I came out of it telling my spiritual mother she should charge more based on the work I saw, but it’s hard to do because it’s already a lot of money for most folks and there’s no reason to ask anyone to pay more, really, since everyone can get paid out of that and all things can be purchased with that amount. No one who is ethical is making money off of ceremonies--it all goes into materials and making sure that everyone who shows up to work is paid fairly for their time and labor.

So, for an asogwe kanzo, it’s reasonable to be asked for anywhere really between $8,000USD and $10,000USD. I could see someone going a little lower than that, but I would side eye someone really hard who is asking for much more. I’ve heard stories of people being asked for $25,000USD for a kanzo, and that’s ridiculous and absolutely out of hand. Also, if you are paying in the $8,000 to $10,000 range, that should include all materials. You should not be being asked to ship barrels of supplies to be used in your ceremonies or be bringing suitcases full of stuff to be used on top of your fee. If someone is going to say that you need to provide all supplies (and a complete asogwe kanzo requires a LOT of supplies...the list I was given as an accounting of what was being purchased for me was three pages long single spaced), the price should reflect that. 

Minimal pricing. On the other end, there are people who ask for so little money that it is not possible to even purchase all the supplies nevermind appropriately compensate everyone who is working on your behalf. I’ve heard of ceremonies supposedly being done for under $1000USD, and that’s just not possible. You are not getting a complete ceremony for that. If someone is trying to tell you that you can get a cheap kanzo, what are they cheaping out on? Do you really want to put your head in the hands of someone who is not going to do the work completely or is being tight with money and perhaps buying substandard supplies or leaving things out?

That goes for free kanzo, too. There *are* situations where kanzo can be done for no money; that is often the biological children of a priest or for someone who is working for the priest long-term. That is how many Haitians in Haiti pay for their kanzo: they live or live close to the temple and work for their initiatory parent to earn their way in. Also, a priest may choose to do the work gratis for someone who is facing imminent death (like, any day now) and the lwa have indicated the djevo will save them. It’s not free, as it will be paid off later, but I have seen priests work completely out of pocket when it is clear that this is the only option to save their life.

But...being offered free kanzo as just a regular person who needs the work is not a thing. It was offered to me before I went in with my spiritual mother, and I remember thinking about what they would actually be taking payment to do that, i.e. how much of my soul would I be leaving behind with them, however unknowingly. There is absolutely no free lunch.

Buy 1 Get 1 Free. Also known as ‘if you bring a couple friends, you won’t have to pay as much’. Packing a djevo with whomever can be compelled into it doesn’t make anything cheaper, it’s just that they want to collect as much money as possible and they know that people in the US love to think they’re getting a deal. There is no bulk discount on labor, in that the priests working your ceremonies are not going to be happy being paid less to do more, and the machann is not going to give a bulk discount on chickens and other things. That’s just no how it goes. Beware the person who wants to sell you a good deal.

Changing prices. The price you are given should be the price, period. There should be no last minute asks for more cash because of some crisis or some other thing that suddenly needs to be done. I hear this more and more often: someone gets to Haiti and suddenly the person who is going to be doing ceremony for them asks them for more money for things that were previously unaccounted for or, even worse, someone says mid-ceremony that more money is needed for something they didn’t outline before. This is taking advantage of your vulnerability in the situation, and it’s super gross. Prices of supplies can change and things can come up, but covering that is what the priest commits to when you are paying your fee. This is serious enough that, in the lineage I was initiated in, there is a contract that outlines how much kanzo costs, what the expected costs are for us outside of the fee, and a suggested outline of how to divide up payments (if necessary). This is not only a guideline and commitment for the person who signs it, but for the priest as well.

Asking for money for unrelated things. Asking you to invest in their businesses, pay for personal services like hair/nails/clothing, asking for expensive gifts in the name of spiritual devotion, etc is outside of anything that should happen. It’s not uncommon for children of a house to contribute to ceremonies being mounted (bringing a bottle of liquor, flowers for the table, contributing cash towards expenses if they are able, etc) but it’s never okay for someone to ask you to give money so they can get a massage or for you to buy them an iPhone or for you to invest in the start-up costs for their business (all real examples I have seen). Deciding of your own volition to give a gift is perfectly fine, but them asking for those things or holding them as necessary for you to undergo ceremony is not okay.

Heavy recruitment. Posts on social media recruiting for kanzo, people inboxing trying to get you interested, holding multi-level marketing lectures or group meetings couched as informational sessions (often goes hand-in-hand with the buy 1 get 1 approach)  if you’re interested in kanzo, etc. A healthy djevo and sosyete does not need to recruit; the djevo fills itself because the lwa send the right people who need to be there.

They hold no other ceremonies for you to attend. Anyone who has not grown up inside the religion should be able to attend other ceremonies in the lineage they are interested in being a part of. The lack of other ceremonies being held is a big red flag; our spirits are fed through our fetes and spiritual feedings, and none of those are really secret (some aspects may be, but all have large public ceremonies). If they are not feeding their spirits in the ways the religion does, then they are feeding you to their spirits (I’ve literally seen people marked as sacrifices are).

And, if you cannot attend their ceremonies, how can you get to know their spirits, their other children, and the community that supports them? It is the first thing I tell people who are interested in serving the lwa: come to a fete and see what the religion is all about. How can you fully commit to something you’ve never seen? Those things should be accessible to you.

The first time you meet them should not be at the airport. That speaks for itself. Initiation and other ceremonies are forged via relationships and the religion is taught in person. If you cannot have a relationship with someone who you can see occasionally, you’re not really getting the benefit of the religion. This can mean sacrifices of time/money (many people travel for their Vodou), but it is worth it. You should not be expected or asked to undergo ceremony sight unseen. This is also why a house holding other ceremonies is important; seeing how the priest works and how they interact with spirits is key.

They have an empty temple. Healthy sosyetes have a community around them beyond the children of the house. Temples are full for ceremonies and are PACKED for kanzo and kanzo-related ceremonies. People travel from all over for fets and ceremonies that are done correctly and completely. The community also has an important function: their presence is endorsing the work the priest is doing, ESPECIALLY around kanzo. If there is no one there or it is only members of the house, there’s a big problem. 

Related: if they are undertaking ceremonies alone, that’s also a red flag. If they have no priests who are willing to come work with them and they are doing all the work on their own, there is a problem.

They are rigid and immovable. This is often pushed off on the lwa being super pejorative. You have to do this thing, or the lwa will be mad. You can’t kanzo at any other time but this, the lwa said so. If you don’t do kanzo with me, the lwa will kill you. If you talk to this person, the lwa will be angry. 

All of those things are real things really frightened people have brought to me personally. This is inappropriate power and control. The lwa understand we have lives and understand that sometimes things cannot happen in the timeline we had hoped. Sometimes there are consequences to not doing a thing, but there are DEFINITELY ways to manage that without things going totally sideways. 

When folks make statements like that, it is really about them and not the lwa. Changing your mind on doing a ceremony can be a let down for the priest who has prepared to do it, but that’s not about you. How you work through that is between you and your spirits.

They cause or seek to cause outright harm. I’ve heard stories and seen the fallout from priest physically assaulting their children for genuine mistakes, smashing sacred items as punishment, coercing folks into sexual activity, calling and threatening family members when they decide they no longer want to deal with abusive behavior and tactics, and all sorts of horrific stuff. I’ve heard these things be passed off as traditional, and that’s a lie. While there can certainly be cultural differences and it can take time to learn to navigate those, assault, threats of violence, and outright abuse is not a part of the religion.

They rush you. While it’s certainly normal for a priest to need to know if you are going to be a part of a ceremony or not and to expect you to pay on time or as you agreed to, there’s no rushing someone into the djevo. I might tell you that the spirits are indicating that kanzo is necessary or that it might be a good idea to do it sooner rather than later, but there is no flurry of chaotic activity that demands you part with a whole lot of money and get pushed right into the djevo. The lwa are patient and if there is an emergent need things can be done to either address that need temporarily or to encourage the lwa to give more time. 

They have no elders. If someone cannot name their initiator and their initiator’s initiator and on, there’s a problem. In Haitian Vodou, that’s not secret information; we are very proud of where we come from (or we should be). If they say they have no elders or don’t need them or have no contact with them, there is a deep problem. Our initiatory parent is our foundation; they even outrank the lwa in that the lwa place us in their hands to follow the expectations that our parent lays out.

If their initiatory parent has passed away, there are systems of checks and balances that still leave them with supports (godparents, priests who oversaw their ceremonies, elder siblings, etc).

If their relationship with their initiatory parent has degraded to the point that their parent won’t show up to the ceremonies they are holding or won’t help, there’s also big problems.

They cannot provide any proof of their initiation. In this day and age, there are ALWAYS pictures and video of our leve kanzo and baptem. Those things are not secret and we looooove our photos and video. They also serve as important proof that we were where we said we were and underwent what we said we did.

If no pictures were taken, they should be able to provide contacts who can verify that they were in the djevo and can verify the ceremonies were done completely and correctly (another reason community and other priests are important). Even if their parent has passed away, there still should be priests who can vouch for them. 

Additionally, there are also other ways that priests can be called out in public to prove that they are who they say there are. There is a whole ritual battle that can happen with the asson/sacred tool priests use, there are specific gestures and language that can be used, and other things that are only taught to people who make it through kanzo. If they can’t do those things or can’t account for them, there’s a big problem.

They mix things in. Haitian Vodou is Haitian Vodou and it’s a complete religion on it’s own. Folks who are selling ‘spells’ for the lwa, who are utilizing rootwork/conjure/hoodoo and presenting it as travay/spiritual work in the religion, who divine with Tarot cards or shells or runes or whatever else, who bring in outside spirits like Orisa or Santisima Muerte or whatever else and claim it belongs are missing the boat. People can certainly have multiple spiritual commitments, but those should be held clearly separate.

Haitian Vodou has it’s own system of spiritual work that is pretty distinct, and the same with divination, prayers, construction of a table for the lwa, and how ceremonies are laid out. For someone who has been taught well, it’s easy to spot but in general passing off all those other things as Vodou is not accurate.

And...sometimes it’s not that they are trying to mislead you. Sometimes they have not been taught how to do traditional work and so are leaning on what they knew previously because it has not been communicated to them that there are traditional ways to do spiritual work or to divine. See above with not knowing that someone has done wrong by them.

They exploit vulnerability. This often rides along with ‘I have the real Vodou’ and it focuses on addressing parts of identities and lived realities that carry weight in our day-to-day and that could be sensitive areas for us. The most common way that this plays out is claiming that they have real Vodou because they only make Black folks in the religion because it is a Black religion. This is super, SUPER insidious and requires some teasing out of threads to really get at what is being said.

It is certainly true that Haitian Vodou is a Black religion, in that it is born out the Black Atlantic, slavery, and colonialism, and that it has deep roots in Africa. There is no reframing or reinterpretation of Vodou that can subtract or nullify that, and any attempt to do so is a deeply racist wrong.

What this presentation of Vodou fails to take into account is it’s Haitian-ness; it divorces the culture from the religion and leaves it as a reinterpretation that isn’t rooted in the actual religion. This is a really carefully crafted whitewashing (really) of a HAITIAN religion aimed at exploiting the deep and true and valid desire that many Black folks have for a spiritual space without white folks and turns it into a cash cow. It’s gross.

If someone really wants to go down the road of ‘real Vodou’ and strip it down to it’s utter bare roots, no one who is not Haitian is getting in the door. That’s what the sales pitch is leaving out; it plays on the want for a space of folks from similar backgrounds and similar experiences and turns it away from the actual reality of the religion. There are many very legitimate lineages and sosyete who do not admit white folks, but they also only admit Haitians. It’s couching a grift under a veil of very true and real things.

It also doesn’t communicate the reality of going to Haiti as a non-Haitian: it can be hard, and it can be doubly hard for someone who might look majority Haitian (darker skinned) but who does not speak the language or understand how to navigate the culture, religious and otherwise. The word for someone who is an outsider no matter their skin color is the same across the board: blan. That can understandably be hard to swallow, and it’s a disservice to present the idea to someone that they are getting the real deal because it will only be Black folks only to be put in an environment where they are unprepared to be a cultural outsider.

This happens to other folks, too. I’ve seen situations where someone is told that they are the only white person that the priest has made, so they are getting the real thing, or that they are the only house that will make a trans person or someone who is queer or gay or whatever. Manipulating people through using core pieces of their Self is pretty heinous.

There are no Haitians. Tying into the above, you cannot do Haitian Vodou without the presence of the culture bearers. It’s simply not possible.

They will not give you what is yours. Someone who is made a manbo or houngan asogwe should have their own pot tet, asson, a kolye, a set of govi, and a set of paket kongo. All of those items should be made for you as part of your kanzo. The specific number of paket and govi can vary a little, but they are yours and you should be able to take them home with you if you want. Many houses give folks the option of keeping their govi and paket in Haiti, but the choice should be yours. Additionally, many sosyetes give asogwe the choice of whether to take their pot tet home or keep in in the Haiti temple. There should absolutely be no discussion about your asson and kolye; if they are not going to give them to you, they are essentially holding you hostage and disallowing you from acting on the initiation you went through with good intentions.

They do not do kanzo in Haiti. This has somehow become controversial, but it’s straightforward: kanzo is only valid when done in Haiti. I see it as presented as opinion or with qualifiers (only asogwe needs to be done in Haiti, etc), but that’s just simply not true. Beyond the outright impossibility to build a complete djevo in the US/outside of Haiti (throwing a little dirt under the floor ain’t it), there are things that must be done when your feet are literally on the dirt and there are parts of ceremonies and preparation for ceremonies that cannot be done in the US or outside of Haiti (chache fey, lalye, a full bat ge etc).

Further, an important part of all kanzo whether it is hounsi kanzo/senp, sou pwen, or asogwe is meeting the lwa in their home. The lwa are rooted in Haiti and how can we profess to want to serve them if we either won’t go there or won’t bring people there? When you go through ceremony in Haiti, you are profoundly changed and it is easy to see why it is so important to make the sacrifice to go there. Trying to find a workaround for that says a lot about what folks are really trying to do.

And, for people who are meant to be manbos and houngans, a ‘kanzo’ that is undertaken in the US is not recognized, meaning that no legitimately made priest can or will greet you as a peer. You can’t be passed an asson to salute spirits in ceremony, you cannot take part in what spiritual work is done outside of Haiti, and you have essentially taken your money and burned it up.

Folks don’t think it’s that serious, but I’ve seen Haitians literally turn their backs on people who profess an American ‘kanzo’ and be disinvited to attend ceremonies until they get right with the religion, and assons snatched out of hands that have not been made to hold them. It’s a real thing that has real world consequences, and that doesn’t even touch the spiritual repurcussions.

Ceremonies that can be done outside of Haiti include lave tet, aksyon de gras, spiritual feedings (if you’re feeling hefty and have lots of people to help), maryaj lwa, and all sorts of fets. Nothing can compare to having them done in Haiti, but they are absolutely valid done elsewhere. Some folks have asked what happens if going to Haiti is not immediately viable (especially with the reality of COVID19), and the answer is that we wait or do other things in the mean time.

So...that’s the big stuff that I can think of off the top of my head. It’s a lot, but that’s the stuff I see and hear about regularly (really). The biggest and best tool that Joe Vodouizan has to discern whether or not what they are seeing is common sense:

Would I accept this as true and valid in any other setting?

How can I verify that this is true/accurate?

Do I feel like I am getting away with something, versus working through a difficult process?

What happens when I ask questions or (politely) challenge what I am seeing/hearing?

Does this make sense?

How do I feel about this?

These are the things that will save you from being taken advantage of. Move slowly and thoughtfully, and listen to your inner voice...that’s your guardian angel trying to guide you.

I hope this is helpful...I know this is probably more than you asked for. Let me know if you have more questions.

[mazzelloiii]

Cheesy Christmas songs - TGIC gift for @fallingprincess

hi @fallingprincess, i’m your secret santa for the fantastic Thank God It’s Christmas event organized by @dtfrogertaylor ❤️ i hope you have a great day filled with many many amazing things!!!!!!!!!!!

this is your gift, a lil Ben x reader fic i wrote. hope you like it!

title: Cheesy Christmas songs

pairing: Ben Hardy x reader (but the whole borhap squad is in it)

warnings: none, really. (i just wanted to say that english is not my first language, so if there are spelling mistakes or wrong structures or whatever, just let me know)

words count: 2.2k

summary: Since you moved to England, your life has been nothing but work. With Christmas just around the corner, you find yourself hating everything holiday-related because you don’t have anyone to share the magic of Christmas with. Or do you?

Christmas was all around you. Decorations were hanging everywhere you went, people overcrowded the streets with their hands full of bags, still shopping for presents, and you could hear All I want for Christmas is you or Baby it’s could outside in every shop, café, even in your workplace and in your apartment, coming from your neighbours’ place.

It was a downright nightmare.

You hated it, and so you had been in a bad mood since the beginning of December.

To be fair, it wasn’t that you hated Christmas per se.

Actually, you loved it when you had the chance to spend it with your family and go all out, hanging mistletoe everywhere in your house and putting a massive tree up in your living room, drinking hot chocolate and blasting Michael Bublé’s entire discography at all hours of the day. Yes, you were just like all those Christmas-crazed people in the streets you had almost yelled at.

But this year… everything had changed. You had moved to another country, and that meant that you didn’t get to see your family during the holidays, and that already put you in a bad mood. Add to that the fact that even though it was the holidays you were going to work most days, because you needed as much money as possible to pay your rent, and that you hadn’t met more than a couple people since moving, and it all explained why you were acting like the Grinch.

You couldn’t help it, really. You wished you could spend the holidays being carefree and light-hearted, but it was all so much… you felt overwhelmed.

Having responsibilities really sucks, you thought while retrieving your small apartment’s keys from the pocket to open the door.

In that very moment your phone started to ring.

-One moment, just one fucking moment!-you yelled, as if whoever was calling you could hear you.

It probably was an advertisement call, or your boss telling you that you had to cover someone’s shifts.

When you saw the caller ID, your eyebrows shot up in surprise.

Lucy. She was a coworker, a fun girl you really enjoyed talking to in between shifts or during breaks, but you still weren’t so close that you would dare to call her a friend. Even though the relationship you had with her was probably the closest thing to a friendship you had made since moving in that goddamn place called England.

You answered, curious as to why she was calling you. You had never talked on the phone, nor you had exchanged texts.

-y/n! Fucking finally!-she said with a laugh. You could hear other people talking in the background, as well as music. Needless to say-a Christmas song.

-Sorry, I was opening the door…-you replied, a little embarassed.

-Oh, it’s okay. Don’t worry. I was calling to invite you to the fucking-best-Christmas-Eve-party eveeeer!

She had sung the last part, and you heard whoever was with her laughing and mocking her.

-Oh yeah, she’s definitely coming after that stunt-said a deep voice, while another added:-Sorry if I tell you this, Luce, but singing is not your greatest skill.

You thought for a moment. Why was she inviting you? You weren’t even that close… and she was clearly in good company already. Was it out of pity?

-Listen, Lucy, thanks for the offer, really, I appreciate it, but I’m really tired, so I think I’ll just get in bed really early…

She interrupted you mid-speech:-Oh, stop already with that, Grumpy! Come on, you’ll have fun. My friends want to meet girls and at first I got really offended because they have me and don’t appreciate me enough, but then I thought that they would really like my amazing coworker. So just come… please?

Despite everything, you found yourself smiling.

Maybe… it wasn’t a bad idea, after all?

You had just got home from a shift, and your next one was tomorrow afternoon. You had plenty of time to stay home nursing a hangover in case things got a little too crazy at that party… for fuck’s sake, you deserved some fun.

-Yes, Lucy. I’m coming.

-Yesss! I’ll text you the address. Come as soon as you can.

Maybe your Christmas was going to be a little less shitty than you originally thought.

 You got out of the uber, trying to find balance on your heels. You had been trying to find the right outfit for what felt like forever, finally opting for a simple red dress that showed your shoulders, elegant but not too much. Then you had put on a layer of mascara and a coat of lipstick.

You didn’t want to look like you had put too much effort into it, even though it was the first social event you were attending since moving to England.

You approached Lucy’s building and quickly got in, feeling a little nervous as you found the right floor and rang the bell over the tag that said Boynton.

The door opened and you found yourself in front of a guy with blond hair and the most striking blue eyes you had ever seen. He was tall and quite muscular, but he was wearing the most obnoxious Christmas jumper you had ever seen, red and green with little Santas in different positions all over it.

-Nice jumper-you grinned.

He immediately blushed at your words.

-I’m Ben, and I don’t usually wear clothes this ugly, I swear-he said-you must be y/n.

You shook hands and you felt a shiver go through your body at the contact… who knew Lucy had such attractive friends?

When you walked through the door, you were welcomed with the smell of baked cookies and the view of Lucy sprawled across a couch with another guy, plus Ben who had just joined them.

-y/n!-Lucy yelled-come here, join us, I want you to meet everyone!

You sat with them and the guy introduced himself as Rami. He seemed quiet but fun, and he and Lucy were quite the pair, him all silent and her screaming at the top of her lungs.

-Sorry for her, when she drinks she always gets like this…-Rami explained to you with a smile.

-I didn’t drink anything! Stop saying bad things about me, you meanies-she retorted with a pout, then she hugged Rami and put her head on his chest.

Ben gave you a meaningful look and stretched you his hand to take:-Why don’t we go see what Joe and Gwil are doing, y/n?

You took his hand and he led you to the kitchen just around the corner, where two other men seemed busy with a tray of gingerbread. Ben’s hand left yours, and you had to stop yourself from reaching for it again. It had felt so warm…

-y/n, you are here! Come taste our cookies-said the shorter man of the two, who had reddish brown hair, with an American accent.

You felt kinda dizzy for a moment, realizing that in only five minutes you had had more social interactions than you had in months.

You smiled and took a cookie from the tray.

 -These things you baked… what the fuck are them?

Ben’s question caused Gwilym and Joe’s immediate indignation: the tall Welshman you had met in the kitchen flipped him off, while the other man blew him a raspberry.

You just laughed at their shenanigans.

The four of you were sitting on the living room floor, on the carpet right next to the Christmas tree, sipping hot chocolate and eating gingerbread cookies. Rami and Lucy were on the couch engulfed in each other’s arms, their eyes closed but not quite asleep yet.

-Really, were they supposed to be gingerbread men? This one I’m eating looks more like a rugby ball.

-Shut up. y/n likes them. Don’t you, y/n?

You nodded exaggeratedly at Joe’s question.

-Yes. They are perfect. Don’t listen to this one, he’s just mean-you said, gesturing to the blond man sitting right next to you.

At your words, Ben’s mouth gaped.

-Et tu, Brute?

You shrugged and showed him your tongue.

-I thought you were on my side-he pouted.

-Aw, but I am, you poor thing-you replied sarcastically, but you couldn’t help but smile at his petulant expression.

-Doesn’t seem like it.

You comforted him with a caress to his shoulder, and out of the corner of your eye you saw Gwilym and Joe exchanging a glance and smirking.

You felt your face heat up.

Was it that obvious that you were really flirting with him? But most importantly, was he flirting back?

-So, are they… a thing?-you said out of the blue pointing to Lucy and Rami, trying to divert the general attention from you and Ben.

-Not officially. They are making us suffer so much, for fuck’s sake. It’s so obvious that they are into each other, but first there’s Lucy coming to us worried that Rami doesn’t like her back, then Rami calls me and says he’s sure Lucy doesn’t like him like that. It’s like being back in middle school, Christ-Gwilym answered, his eyes rolling up to the ceiling.

-And you, y/n? Do you have someone special, a boyfriend, girlfriend?-Ben asked you nonchalantly.

-Oh, no. I moved here just a few months ago… I barely have any time to eat or sleep, left alone to find a boyfriend-you said, a little embarassed.

-And no one’s tried to make a move on you? Wow.

You didn’t know what to answer to that, so you just chuckled lightly. So he was flirting back with you.

-Ben, why don’t you show y/n the balcony? Gwil and I will go make some other cookies, since you ate all of them-Joe said, getting up and heading to the kitchen with the other man.

-Shall we go?-Ben asked you, extending you his hand.

You took a deep breath and took it, nodding.

 -Pretty, isn’t it?-Ben asked you.

You were on the small balcony of Lucy’s house, looking down at the park just across from it.

-I mean, it’s not the greatest view, but it’s really rare to find a house with a balcony in London-he added right after.

You nodded and leaned against the white wall next to you, closing your eyes and enjoying the cold air of the night against your face.

Then you let it all go.

-Tonight seems so crazy to me. I hadn’t been around people like this in so much time… I only worked and studied, and barely took care of myself. Hanging with you guys made me realize that this is all real… I really moved and my life is continuously changing every day. And I’m so fucking terrified.

He turned and looked at you, but remained silent.

-This is all such a cliché-you laughed then. The whole situation seemed absurd.

He looked startled at you.

-What is?

-Everything. Me, my life right now, you flirting with me and taking me out to show me the balcony… I thought you would use a better excuse to get me alone, to be honest.

He snorted at your words.

-This was all Joe’s doing, actually. He tries to be a good wingman, but I would do much better on my own. Is it working, by the way?

-What?

-Me flirting with you.

You felt butterflies fluttering in your stomach but tried to hide it with a snarky smirk.

-Oh… I’ll have to think about it. Try harder, maybe?

He rolled his eyes, then his face became serious and he took your hand into his gently, giving you time and space to retract it if you wanted. You didn’t.

-And about what you said… I get it. Moving away from home is scary and hard, and you are a hero for enduring it all on your own for so much time. But you don’t have to figure it all out alone. We are all ready to help you if you want. Lucy, Rami, Joe, Gwil and me, of course. I can be your friend, before we try to be anything else, if you want to.

-Wow, I… Thank you.

You were at a loss of words, and you could feel your eyes welling up with tears. Don’t cry, don’t fucking cry now, you told yourself.

You hadn’t realized how difficult it all had become to do everything on your own and not have anyone to share your daily life with, and now you were feeling all the weight you hadn’t even known was on your shoulders leaving you, and the sense of relief was amazing. You didn’t have to do it all alone. Thanks God.

Before you could say anything else you felt loud cheers coming from inside the house, and then someone put on Mariah Carey’s All I want for Christmas is you.

Ugh, cheesy Christmas songs. Maybe you could start to like them again, after all.

-Looks like it’s midnight. Merry Christmas, y/n.

You smiled at Ben. Then you did something that surprised even yourself: you got closer to him, so close that you could feel his breath on your face, and gently put your lips against his.

He immediately responded to the kiss, putting his hands on your middle.

It was quick and sweet, just a brush of lips against lips.

When you pulled away, you both had your cheeks red.

-Merry Christmas, Ben-you whispered.

Maybe your holidays weren’t going to be as bad as you originally thought.

[everbluesky]

Inside My Mind Chapter 2-

Blood and Crimson

Pairings: None

AN: Special thanks to @schweeeppess for beta-reading! She’s absolutely amazing!

Tagging: @chidori-chan

!Slight Violence/Gore Warning!

He watched the eight men circled around him draw closer and closer, guns raised, and their leader spoke up.

“We made a deal. You give us the cash, and we give you the goods. We’ve done our part”—he cocked his pistol—“now where’s tha money?”

He tightened his grip on the case of “goods”.

Just go through the motions, this shouldn’t take long, he reminded himself.

“Mr. Roscoe will deliver your money soon,” he said, addressing the Italian gang’s boss. “I’m just here to pick up his goods, Mr. Alfonsi.”

“Oh-ho-ho, I see,” Mr. Alfonsi laughed. “You’re trying ta play us!” Turning to his group, the gang leader said, “Ya hear that boys? This midget is trying ta trick the great Alfonsi gang out of our cash!”

The other men laughed along with their boss but soon the mocking laughter died off and the serious atmosphere grew thicker.

Another member spoke up.

“What should we do wit him, boss?” He called.

Mr. Alfonsi smiled cruelly.

“Well, we’re just gonna have ta get a payment of our own,” he said, raising his gun and aiming it at ‘the midget’s head.

‘The midget’ relaxed as he heard the gun fire.

Focus, he remembered. Any emotion can get you killed.

The bullet stopped centimeters from his forehead, and the Alfonsi gang gasped.

“Oi, what kinda trick are you playing?” Someone yelled, stepping back in fear.

The Italian gang leader swore.

“He’s one of those meta freaks!” Mr. Alfonsi stammered, cocking his gun to fire again.

But it was too late.

‘The midget’ drove the bullet that had been meant to go through his head straight between Alfonsi’s eyes before sending it through all the other gang members temples.

He watched as they dropped, literally, dead.

A bullet through the brain isn’t something most people survive.

The aforementioned bit of ammo, now covered in blood, floated back to him and he pulled out a small plastic bag to put it away.

He then walked towards Mr. Alfonsi and crouched down next to him, pulling off the large gold ring with a fancy letter “A” engraved in it from his finger. He put it in a separate bag then continued to gather the smaller gold rings from the other members, making sure they were all dead in the process.

The last member left, when he’d finished with the rest of them, was a kid who looked to be about 15 years old.

It was such a shame that he had to join up with this gang.

He leaned down and started to pull the ring off the boy’s finger when the teen’s hand shot out to grab his bloody wrist.

He had to fight down the instinctive flinch of shock.

“P-please, I…I don’t—” Blood splattered from the teen’s mouth as he was cut off by his rattling coughs.

He narrowed his eyes.

It looked like his bullet had missed where he had intended and had instead impaled the boy through a lung.

“I..I don’t…..wan’ die…please…” the boy gasped.

His eyes were fixed on the smaller boy as he breathed, gaze still locked on the boy’s.

Don’t feel, it just gets in the way.

No.

You were made for this.

Wrong.

You shouldn’t feel bad for your targets.

Why not?

You follow your mission only.

He pulled a small knife from his belt.

“I’m…sorry,” He said. The boy’s eyes went wide as he slashed the knife across his throat. Blood splattered and started to pool on the floor. The boy’s eyes were still fixed on him. He stood up and put his knife away.

It was a small, underground, and still growing gang, but they were great at getting their hands on strange and illegal materials and weapons. It was just what The Foundation needed. And now, they didn’t need to pay them.

Mission accomplished.

————————-

Two months, twenty-three days, and eleven hours.

That meant eighty-four days and eleven hours.

In thirteen hours, it would be eighty-five.

Dick was getting nervous. How could he let Tim slip off the radar that long? Maybe he was just being… paranoid, or something.

Was that the right word to use? He didn’t know and couldn’t find it in him to care. He just knew that Tim had dropped off the radar for way too long, considering what happened beforehand.

But he’d have to push it back in his mind for a moment. He had things to do.

Dick jumped from rooftop to rooftop, making his way to some abandoned warehouse near the docks of Gotham. He was supposed to meet Jason there twenty-eight minutes ago, but had been on just about the opposite side of Gotham when Jason had called him.

Cautiously entering the warehouse through a glassless window, Dick silently leapt to the ground. He landed behind a large stack of crates and a couple of dusty shelves.

There was a single dim light illuminating what Dick guessed was the center of the dirty and smaller warehouse. He carefully picked his way around the edge of the stack of crates, half expecting to be shot at or attacked.

Neither occurred.

Jason was crouching under the light, investigating something on the floor—or maybe he was wounded.

Dick made his way over.

“Hey Hood! Sorry I’m late. Traffic was nuts out there,” he joked, grinning. Jason didn’t even look up.

“Apology accepted—just get over here,” huffed irritably.

There was something about the situation that made Dick feel inexplicably nervous.

He moved closer and crouched right next to his brother, asking, “What’s up? Are you hurt or something?” And he didn’t try to hide the concern laced in his voice.

Jason turned to look at him, apparently confused.

“What? No.” He gestured to whatever he was looking at, and added, “Just…look at this.”

Dick gave the floor his attention.

He hadn’t exactly noticed it before, due to how downright filthy this place was, but there was a huge puddle of dried blood directly in front of them.

Dick’s brows furrowed in confusion. Had Jason forgotten they lived in Gotham? Blood on the ground was a common thing. Sure, this was a lot, but it wasn’t anything special to Dick.

“Oh wow, blood!” Dick gasped in mock-surprise. “Never seen that before.”

He could feel more than see Jason’s eye-roll.

Jason held something out to his brother, hand clutched around something small.

Dick held out his hand and let Jason deposit whatever he was holding into his palm.

Only when he got a look at what the thing Jason had given him was did he understand Jason’s concerns with the blood.

In Dick’s hand was Tim’s metal Red Robin insignia, broken in half crudely, and mostly covered in blood.

For a moment, all he could do was stare down at it in disbelief, confusion, suspicion, and pain.

Tim must have run into someone or something…strong. Strong enough to snap his insignia in half.

Dick forced himself to tear his eyes away from the weight in his hand and shift his gaze back to the blood, which he realized was a lot. The dried puddle looked much bigger now that Dick knew where the blood came from.

But was it actually Tim’s? Or just some sort of set-up to make it look like Tim had bled that much?

Jason finally spoke.

“I almost missed it. I only noticed it when my foot ran into it. It was stuck there pretty good.” Jason said with a shrug, almost convincing Dick he was casual about the whole thing.

But Dick knew his little brother better. Jason was worried, and he was angry, and he probably didn’t feel like saying too much about it.

Dick’s eyes went back to Tim’s insignia.

“Are you sure it’s his blood? It could be a setup.” Dick remarked, hoping for the latter.

Jason shook his head.

“I dunno. DNA test?”

Dick looked at the blood on the insignia and tapped it against his fingers.

“I don’t know. Tim’s been missing for almost three months. We might be able to, but it depends on how old this is. DNA in dried blood usually only sticks around for three months max,” Dick said, feeling his heart sink with every possible set back. What if it was too late? What if Tim was dead?

Jason started to say something, but the sound of the lock on the large doors in front of them being opened caused the two vigilantes jump back into the shadows.

Dick was hidden behind the stack of crates he’d landed beside, clutching Tim’s insignia tight in his hands. No matter what, he refused to lose it. Jason was on the opposite side of the lit space between him and Dick, back pressed against a large, solid metal shelf.

Dick heard footsteps echo against the stone floor of the silent warehouse and crouched, just to be safe. He peeked through a small opening between the crates, trying to get a better look at the figure without being seen. He could only see him from the waist down.

The figure seemed to be wearing a long, black trench coat of some kind, tight black pants, and charcoal grey, steel-toed combat boots. He also had what looked like a dark, metallic red utility belt lined with silver metal tools and other various metal objects, including a line of bullets under his coat. That meant that he most likely had a gun. Dick put Tim’s insignia in his utility belt and pulled out his escrima sticks.

He glanced over at Jason, who had already gotten his gun ready. Dick then glanced back through the small opening. All he saw was black, and a tiny bit of metallic red. Dick soon realized that they were right in front of him. Dick stayed as still as he possibly could, and ducked a little when he heard a smaller, metal crate being picked up from off the top of the pile of crates he was behind.

He stood still as footsteps echoed farther and farther away from him. He nearly breathed a sigh of relief, but then tensed as he watched Jason step out from his hiding place and aim his gun at the stranger. The sound of a gun resonated throughout the building, and Dick moved out of his hiding place to see what the damage was.

“What the h***” Jason said, gun still raised at the figure. Dick looked at the figure. The bullet hadn’t hit him. In fact, it had stopped mid-air, about 3 inches away from his back.

The hooded figure was holding the crate under his right arm with surprising ease, despite its size. His other dark red gloved hand was hanging loosely at his side. He had frozen in his tracks but hadn’t made a move towards either of them. Dick tightened his grip on his escrima sticks but otherwise kept an outwardly calm composure.

The figure then turned slightly, not facing them, and not enough for Dick to get a good look at his face. He held out his hand and let Jason’s bullet drop into it.

“What’s in the crate?” Jason asked, gun still up. The figure didn’t respond, or turn his head. Instead, he examined and rolled the bullet through his fingers, as if it were some sort of valuable artifact or a piece of an important experiment. He then tossed it up in the air a couple of times. Dick narrowed his eyes.

Suddenly, his arm shot out in their direction, and the bullet came flying with it, as if it had been fired from a gun. Dick and Jason both moved, and the bullet went flying into the wall of the warehouse. They both stared at it in shock for a moment. Then Jason turned back to face the newly proclaimed enemy, gun at the ready.

“Hey, that wasn’t v…” Jason trailed off, looking around. “Where’d he go?”

“C'mon! He couldn’t have gone far!” Dick shouted to Jason, running out the door. He turned and looked around, looking for any sign of the stranger. Jason came behind him. There was nothing. No sign of him anywhere. Dick looked down and let out a sigh of defeat.

Then, he noticed something shiny and small, about the size of a quarter. He picked up the small rhomboidal object and turned it in his hands. There was some sort of symbol on it, but he couldn’t exactly make it out in the dark.

“Guess he’s gone?” Jason asked.

Dick nodded, slipping the thing into a pocket in his gauntlet for later.

“Yea, let’s get back to the cave.”

[filmfanatic82]

AO3 Link (HERE)

Chapter 12: I know I'd Go Back to You

Pink.

God, she loves the sight of that color.

No. Scratch that. She all but worships that color.

Not all shades, though, of pink. Just one in particular. A metallic canary pink that tends to shimmer like a blanket of stars in the right light. It’s a rare color. One that Trini hasn’t seen, except for her in her dreams, for more years than she would care to admit.

A color that up until this very moment she didn’t realize she so desperately needed in her life.

“T!” Kim yells to Trini over the raging storm as she slows down to a light jog. “Where’d it go?”

“Not sure. Can’t see shit,” Trini responds. They’ve been running in circles around the streets of downtown Angel Grove for well over twenty minutes now, chasing after a shadowy mass of a figure that all but dances along the rooftops almost as if it’s unphased by the constant onslaught of the elements. And every time they seem to get within a reasonable striking distance, the figure evaporates right into thin air, lost amongst the thick gray sheets of rain and fog.

But not for long and always in a different spot than where it last was, leading them to change directions again… and again… and again.

Trini would have long but given up, if it weren’t for the simple fact that she isn’t going at it alone.

Within mere seconds of the first spotting the mysterious figure, their armor instantly materialized, spreading across their bodies with a warmth that Trini had all but forgotten about. They were still able to morph after Kim left, but it had never quite been the same. It always required an extra level of concentration. One that Trini continually struggled with time and time again. And the armor felt different. Almost weaker in nature. As if it was missing a key component.

But, worst of all, morphing no longer felt like being submerged in a warm bath of never-ending energy. It now was cold and sterile almost to the point of it being downright uncomfortable.

Trini came to outright dread morphing. She tried to avoid it at all costs, but it only led to a slew of badly broken bones, scarring gashes, and despite her accelerate healing, more than one trip to the local ER.

It just never felt exactly right.

Not until the missing piece -- the metallic pink piece-- was once again back where it belonged, right by her side.

“There! On the roof of the bank!” Kim picks up the pace once again, racing at full speed towards the 1st Bank of Angel Grove in the near distance with Trini following close behind. The shadowy figure lingers for a moment or two on the ledge, taunting them to come closer and then--

PROOF.

It’s gone.

“FUCK!” Kim screams out, slamming her gloved hand into the nearby brick wall with a thud.

“Kim…”

“We’re never going to catch it from down here.”

“Maybe we oughta--” Trini is cut off, though, by the sight of Kim scaling up the side of the bank. “Shit.”

“C’mon,” Kim calls out over her shoulder, already halfway up the massive brick wall. She moves with the greatest of ease as if she’s climbing a jungle gym and not the surface of a building.

Fuck… Fuck… Fuck…

It’s only three stories. Not that tall. Totally doable.

Fuck…

“Trini? You coming?”

Trini shakes her head, takes a long gulp of air, and then slowly starts to make her way up the side of the building. Her heart pounds against her rib cage as beads of sweat rapidly form along the edges of her hairline.

Fuck… Fuck… Fuck…

Shake it off, Gomez.

This is nothing new.

Get to the top, and it will all stop. That's how it works.

Trini pauses for a moment, desperate to steady her breathing. Even after all those countless mediation sessions with Tommi, she still seems to be unable to master her nerves. At least not when she’s more than five feet off the ground.

”T? What’s wrong?” Kim calls from somewhere above Trini.

“Nothing,” Trini replies through gritted teeth. She starts to move again. Slow but steady. One hand and followed by the other.

Concentrate, Gomez.

Only a few more feet and it’ll be over.

Just…

Keep…

Climb--

CRACK.

A flying piece of debris clips the side of Trini’s helmet, instantly causing her to lose her grip on the wall. Her hands scramble to find purchase once again, but it’s too late. Trini plummets to the ground below, hitting the rain-soaked pavement back first, with her head following suit not even a millisecond late. A sea of stars pops into her line of sight as the world spins before her.

“Trini!” Kim screams out, voice raging against the storm. Trini attempts to lift her head but is met with an unusual tension as if someone -- or something -- is pulling her by the root her hair. Her hands roam up towards her helmet and immediately comes in contact with a tangled mess of broken metallic pieces.

Fuck.

Her helmet.

Not again.

“I’m okay.” Trini lets out a low groan as the aftershock of dull pain radiates across every inch of her body. She slowly pushes herself up into a sitting position and does a quick evaluation of the rest of her armor, checking for any additional cracks.

This isn’t the first time, Trini’s suit has splintered. No. It's happened at least three other times before. Each one coming on the heels of an extra bad anxiety attack.

The first time had been the worst, with it seemingly coming out of nowhere. One minute Trini was engaging in battle with massive lava creature and the next… The next, she found herself slamming into the ground with a mind-numbing thud followed by an unusual chorus of what could only be described as metal shattering.

It had taken Billy and Alpha 5 well over four hours to delicately pick the hundreds of metallic yellow shards out of Trini’s skin. Each one leaving a faint but noticeable mark, like a hauntingly strange tattoo. Yet another painful reminder that she was far less than what she once was.

And that’s how Trini discovered that her suit-- like so many other parts of her-- was now weaker. Slightly damaged goods that, with the right combination of thoughts and actions, could be penetrated.

Broken.

Sure, it repaired itself. Time and time again. But, as Zordon had informed Trini, there were no guarantees. Not until the missing piece returned once again and made her whole.

“Bullshit,” Kim huffs out as she finishes descending back down the wall. She makes her way over to Trini and flips up her visor. “T, what’s going on?”

“I slipped. That’s all. No big deal,” Trini replies. She goes to stand but is suddenly met with a pair of gloved hands-- metallic pink-gloved hands-- reaching out to help her up. Trini takes hold of them, swallowing down her pride and giving in as Kim pulls her up to her feet.

“Jesus. Your helmet.”

“It’s nothing.”

But Kim ignores Trini and instead gently pulls her closer to get a better look at the damage. “It’s shattered.”

“I know,” Trini mumbles in response. “It happens sometimes.”

A momentary silence falls between the two of them as Kim studies Trini’s face, searching for a deeper meaning. Trini starts to squirm, feeling the eyes upon her.

God, those eyes.

Those freakin’ chocolate brown eyes.

They pierce through Trini’s walls, chipping away at the steadily growing cracks.

It’s only a matter of time before--

“We need to get out of this storm before it gets any worse,” Kim states, breaking the silence.

“But what about the fig..” Trini trails off mid-sentence as she catches a glimpse of the look upon Kim’s face. Arguing is pointless. There’s nothing but stubborn resolution staring back at her. “Tommi and Zack’s bar. It’s less than a block away.”

“Tommi and Zack own a bar?”

“Yeah. It’s kinda long story,” Trini replies. She wipes the rain off of her visor and then attempts to take a step, but instantly winces in pain.

Not missing a beat, Kim loops her arm around Trini’s waist, providing Trini with the support she so desperately needs. “Okay. I’m so going to need to hear that one.”

“Get me to the bar, and I’ll tell you whatever you want,” Trini responds leaning her weight onto Kim.

“I’m holding you to that, Gomez.” Kim re-adjusts her grip on the smaller Latina and the two slowly make their way down the block.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Fuuuuck.

Too freakin’ short.

Why can’t she be a few inches taller? Or had been smart enough to have worn her Doc Martens?

Then she would’ve been more than able to see her reflection.

But no…

Everything had to be extra difficult at the moment. Cause that just seems to be Trini’s luck.

Trini lets out a frustrated sigh and then pushes herself back up on her tiptoes in a feeble attempt to add the extra inch or so she needs to be eye-level with the massive chrome vat that’s perched on the upper level of one of the numerous storage shelves that crowd the backroom of the bar. It’s far from ideal, but given that there isn’t a mirror to be found and she needs to see the damage firsthand to assess the situation, there’s no other option.

Trini had been able to easily remove the bulk of her helmet with little to no trouble whatsoever. Just a few gentle tugs and some extra pressure and the larger pieces popped right off one by one. But then when it came to removing the area towards the back, where her head had made impact with the asphalt, and that’s when Trini knew that it wasn’t going to be a complete cakewalk. No. Although couldn’t see it for herself, she could feel a massive knot of yellow metallic shards embedded deep within her thick wavy curls. And every time she attempted to pull a piece out-- even with the utmost of patience-- it only resulted in furthering the overall size of the tangled mass.

So Trini had gone in search of scissors, finding a pair tucked away in Tommi’s desk drawer and then went about looking for something-- anything-- that could provide her with a halfway decent view of the mess.

“Fuck it,” Trini exhales in a sudden burst of anger. She drops down off of her tiptoes, snatches up the nearby scissors, and unceremoniously grabs hold of a hunk of her hair.

“Hey T! Not sure if you’re a whiskey drinker, but I found a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label. It was stashed behind a vat of cocktail olives. Think Tommi will care if we--” Kim walks through the doorway from the front room and instantly comes to a crashing halt as her face morphs into a look of pure and utter horror. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Trini huffs out, words dripping with sarcasm. She moves to place the hunk of hair in her hand between the blades of the scissors, but before she can do so, she’s stopped short by Kim.

“Stop!”

“Kim…”

“Did you forget our whole conversation we just had? The one where I told you that I own a barbershop?” Kim says, matching Trini’s level of sarcasm. She gently takes hold of Trini’s hand and guides the scissors away from her hair.

“So?”

“So, you’re an idiot,” Kim replies. “Go grab that desk chair.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously.” Kim removes the scissors from Trini’s hand and gives her a nudge in the direction of the chair.

Trini shakes her head in mild disbelief. She makes her way over to the chair and wheels it out from the desk. “Okay, Princess. Now what?”

“Now take off your shirt and have a seat.”

“Wow. Not even gonna buy me dinner first?” A small but noticeable smirk slides across Trini’s lips.

“Or not. But don’t complain to me when you’re covered in hair,” Kim replies with a shrug of her shoulders. Trini lets out a sigh, carefully grabs hold of the helm of her shirt and with a more than strained effort peels it away from her body, revealing a large scar. It snakes its way in a rough, jagged pattern, stretching from the base of her spine all the to her left shoulder blade, like an oddly grotesque bolt of lightning.

An unsettling stillness washes over the room as Trini squirms once again under Kim’s unrelenting gaze.

Breathe, Gomez.

In and out…

In and out…

The topic was going to come up sooner or later. Kimberly already knows about the height issue. Just another piece to the puzzle. That’s all.

An unwanted souvenir from the time where she almost--

“Trini…” Kim whispers, snapping Trini out of her thoughts. Trini slowly takes a seat, deliberately choosing not to look up at Kim and attempts to run her hands through her hair but only manages to get a few inches before her fingers get caught up in the massive knot.

“Fuck.” Trini winces, more than annoyed by the entire situation. Kim positions herself behind Trini and ever so gently places her hands down on Trini’s shoulders sending a warm and oddly comforting sensation down Trini spine.

“Let me fix it for you,” Kim says softly.

Trini swallows down the lump of repressed emotions growing within her throat and gives a simple nod in response. Words are just too much at the moment.

Kim squeezes Trini’s shoulder, and before Trini knows it, the room fills with the oddly familiar sound of scissors slicing through hair. Long dark brown curls rain down around her as she tries to focus on anything else but the constant, feather-light touches of Kim’s fingers.

“Nervous?” Kim asks as she gently tilts Trini’s head downwards.

“No.”

“Your knee says else wise,” Kim responds. Trini’s eyes instantly trail down to her knee that's bouncing away like an out of control jackhammer.

“Sorry.” Trini lets out a sigh and then places her hand down upon her knee.

“Don't be. It reminds me of the first time I convinced you to let me do this. You were such a hot mess.”

“Was not.”

“Oh, you so were. Don’t you remember me having to talk you down from that epic panic attack? I ended up having to hold you for like a good three hours,” Kim replies with a hint of a smile to her voice. She readjusts Trini’s head, shifting it to the side.

SNIP… SNIP… SNIP…

Trini watches in silence as even more of her hair falls into her lap, fighting against the storm of memories brewing within the depths of her mind.

Of course, Trini remembers. She remembers every touch… Every kiss… Every “I love you”...

Trini remembers it all.

But those memories are tainted now. Painted with a layer of bittersweet sadness that makes them almost unbearable to watch when called upon.

God, does she remember.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Trini says gruffly, trying to hide the underlying quiver to her voice.

“The scar on your back. Does it have any connection to why you’re afraid of heights?” The question hangs between them as Kim continues to work her magic, strategically moving the scissors higher and higher with each and every snip.

Fuck…

Fuck…

Fuck…

There’s no avoiding it. Not anymore. Just suck it up and rip the bandaid off, Gomez.

“Yeah. It does. As well as two smaller ones on the back of my left leg.” Trini swallows again, pausing for the briefest of moments to collect herself.

“T, you don’t have to--”

“No, it’s okay,” Trini cuts Kim off. “It happened roughly six months after you… After…”

“After I left?”

“Yeah. After you left. One day, out of the blue, this psychotic alien overlord named Ivan Ooze showed up and started wreaking havoc. At first, he was just like all the others. Rolled in with a pack of minions. Blew some shit up. Gave a boring monologue about how the Zeo Crystal belonged to him. The usual song and dance. But then… Then he called upon these machines. They were like the ultimate demonic doppelganger of our Zords. Looked and acted exactly like our did, matching us move for move. It was brutal. We held them off the best we could, but nothing seemed to be working. So we regrouped and, with some help from Zordon, came up with the idea that would allow us to stage a surprise attack,” Trini says. She blinks back the hint of tears that are starting to form within the corners of her eyes and takes a long, sobering breath of air.

There’s a pause in the steady rhythmic sounds of the scissor as once again, Kim places her hands down upon Trini’s shoulders in a silent signal of support. “You can stop. I don’t need to--”

“The plan involved using your Zord.”

“My Zord?”

“Yeah. It’s the only one that can fly and strangely enough, it was also the only one that Ivan didn’t seem to have a clone of.”

“But who piloted it? I thought…” Kim trails off as the realization hits her dead on. There’s no need to finish her sentence. She already knows the answer. “You flew it, didn’t you?”

Trini gives a slight nod, letting that piece of information fully sink in, then--

“At the time, the thought was that because I had had the strongest bond with you that maybe… maybe I’d be able to pilot it, and I did, at least long enough for us to take out Ivan but…” Trini briefly stops once again, voice cracking on her last word. “But it turned out that our bond wasn’t quite as strong as I thought… I was thrown from the cockpit of the Zord mid-flight. Fell over 200 ft and landed smack dab on the roof of the Krispy Kreme. Ironic, right? The fall should’ve killed me. But, thanks to our Ranger healing powers, it just knocked me into one hell of a coma. Apparently, I didn’t wake up for over two weeks. For a while, they didn’t even think I would. Or at least that’s what Tommi once told me after polishing off a bottle of whiskey. We kinda don’t talk about it all too much. It’s just… Just one of those things that happened.”

Trini holds her breath, waiting for a response-- any response-- from Kim, but all that answers is the sound of snipping. It fills the space between the two of them, comforting and yet all-consuming.

Minutes pass, and the sounds slowly start to decrease, trading in the consistent rhythm for more sporadic ones. All signs that Kim is almost done. And suddenly Trini notices just how weightless her head feels. It isn’t exactly a foreign sensation, and yet, in this light, it’s different. Raw. As if the last pieces of her invisible armor, the one she’s been wearing for years now, has finally been removed.

The snipping stops altogether and then, without any warning, Kim traces her fingers along the slope of Trini’s newly shorn nape. Slow and with an underlying longing that Trini knows all too well.

“There you are,” Kim quietly whispers, finally breaking the silence.

No…

No…

No…

Hold it together, Gomez.

Not here.

Not now.

No…

Please god, no...

But it’s too late. Trini breaks.

“I… I… I… I need some water,” Trini responses. She scrambles to her feet, knocking the chair over in the process, and makes a mad dash for the doorway. Trini can feel the sting of tears whelming up within her eyes, only milliseconds away from pouring down her face. She needs to get out of there and now.

Trini burst through the swinging doors that separate the back and front rooms and immediately heads straight towards the bar. She slams into it just as the tears start to rain down, burning two defined paths on her cheeks. Trini desperately tries to steady her breathing, eyes locked in on the worn wood beneath her hands.

In and out…

In and out…

In and out…

Jesus…

Why isn’t it working?

The tears fall harder. Faster. There’s nothing Trini can do about it. She gulps down a breath of air and slowly allows her eyes to roam upwards, towards the mirrored wall behind the bar. And there, staring back, is someone that Trini swore, that up until this very moment, was gone. Forever lost when her world was suddenly thrown into heart-wrenching chaos.

It’s who she used to be.

Trini exhales a shaky breath of air and then ever so cautiously runs her hands through her now messy short hair, remembering again how it feels. It isn’t though the same undercut style that Kim used to do on her. No. This version is a bit more unrefined. Rougher. With the longest pieces on top just barely brushing against her ears and the back and sides cut close against her skin.

Trini takes a closer look as the realization hits her dead on--

It’s who she desperately needs to be.

“Trini?” Kim’s voice cuts through the silence, startling Trini. Trini turns around to find Kim standing in the doorway with a bittersweet look that twists the knife even further into Trini’s already wrecked emotions.

“I’m okay. I swear. I just needed--”

“Ask me the question.”

“What?” Trini responds, blinking back her tears.

“Ask me,” Kim says again. She takes a step closer, and Trini can see a matching set of tears forming in Kim’s chocolate brown eyes.

Fuck…

She can’t do it.

No. Scratch that. She won’t.

Not after all of these years.

She’s not ready for that answer.

“Kim, I don’t know--”

“You do, Trini… You and I both know you do,” Kim replies, voice quivering. “So go ahead already and ask it.”

Please god…

Please…

3…

2…

1…

“Why did you leave me?” The words stumble out of Trini, with a forcefulness that up until this very moment, she had no clue that she even possessed.

Kim lets out a wet bark of a laugh as tears roll down her cheeks. She takes a breath of air and then--

“Because I was scared. And a mess… And there was all this pressure to be what everyone wanted me to be… The perfect daughter… The future doctor… The perfect girlfriend. And it was killing me. Most days, I could barely breathe, let alone function. I was drowning, and I didn’t know how to tell you… or anyone at all. I couldn’t bear the disappointment. So I tried to just push through it. To pretend everything was okay, but it wasn’t. And then one night, I stupidly decided to go out and drank so much that I blacked out. I woke up the next morning in someone’s bed I didn’t even remember meeting, let alone… I fucked up. God, did I fuck up… and I… I just didn’t know how to tell you. How do you tell the woman that you love more than life itself that you not only cheated on her but somehow got yourself knocked up in the process? I just couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t ruin your life like that. So… So I figured it was best if I just left… Because you deserved so much better than me.”

Kim’s confession lingers between them as time seems to suddenly stand still. All Trini can do is keep on breathing. Anything more than that is just too much. Too painful.

“Trini, I--”

“Deserved better?” Trini asks unable to hide the underlying anger bubbling up from the depths of her very being. “Better? You fuckin’ wrecked me. You left me nothing but your ring and a half-ass note… But that’s what I deserved right? The woman that you swore you loved. That’s what I deserved. No explanation. No nothing. Hell, you didn’t even give me a chance to try and understand… You just fuckin’ left me.”

“I know,” Kim whispers in response as her tears fall harder down her face. “I didn’t mean to--”

“Mean to what? Hurt me? Well, guess what? You did. You destroyed me. If it weren’t for Tommi and the guys and your parents, I don’t think I’d even be… I don’t know if I would’ve survived this long.”

“I’m so sorry, T. I’m--”

“No! You don’t get to waltz back in here with a kid and fuckin’ new fiancé and act like saying your sorry will fix this. You got to move on with your life, while I… I just…”

“I know… I know…” Kim takes another step closer, and Trini can feel the warmth of her presence wash over her. She fights against her warring emotions, desperate to hold onto the rage that she has kept buried deep inside her for so long.

“You don’t know! I tried to forget. I did everything I could think of… Everything I could to destroy it, but I couldn’t make it go away. It’s never going to go away. And I fuckin’ hate you for that.”  

“Make what go away?”

Trini exhales another, even shakier, breath of air and closes her eyes. “My love for you.”

Just as the words leave Trini’s lips, she feels Kim’s hands upon her, wrapping her in a comfort that she has craved for more years than she wants to admit. Kim leans in and kisses Trini, pouring out all of her emotions. It’s deep and passionate. And filled with an answer that Trini has longed to hear. It’s love. Plain and simple.

Kimberly…

Kimberly Hart still loves her.

And first time in what feels like forever…

Trini is home.

[localrobosexual]

hewwo my fwiends it's currently real Loving Seaside Hours™ again as spurred by talking to a blessed pal of mine earlier today about our comfort characters, so as I'm tryina ride out this thunderstorm going on outside so I can actually go to sleep I'm just gonna take a moment and gush about this robot and how and why he means so much to me, that alright w y'all lmao

putting a breaker on this bc I already know it's gonna get long and ramble-y lmao. Not gonna mind if u skip this over and don't bother reading it, I just wanna kinda shout into the void about my ocs a bit, don't mind me!

HEY SO YEE I JUST RLLY RLLY LOVE MY BIG DUMB ROBOT SO SO MUCH AAAAAA HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I COULD NEVER SELL OR TRADE HIM EVER AND I JUST WISH I HAD MORE DISPOSABLE INCOME TO USE TO JUST BUY MORE COMMISSIONS OF HIM BECAUSE GOD EVERY TIME I DRAW HIM AND EVERY TIME SOMEONE ELSE DOES TOO MY HEART JUST FUCKIN SWELLS W LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!!!! THIS ONE LITTLE TRANSFORMERS OC DOES THAT MUCH!!!!!!!! AND ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA

ok but. For real now, besides my initial screams that I had to get out hksjdks. Y'all wanna hear some insight into what all went into making him and why he means so much to me and all. Strap in bc it's gonna get Real

let's start with something pretty well known. Maybe not coming from me but a well known fact regardless lmao. Truth be told I wrote out from the paragraph below this one to the bottom without writing an introduction first and I'm too tired to try to come up with anything good now so uh. Hopefully this isn't too jarring hkshdksk my bad y'all my bad.

Anyways. Mental health! Fucked mental health! that's so much fun right!!

Haha yeah. Nah. We all know this. Being depressed is rlly wack y'all. It fuckin messes up ur head big time. I still don't know if I have downright depression, because I still haven't been properly diagnosed, and I never rlly associated my symptoms and the way I was feeling with depression bc it didn't line up with the stereotypical symptoms of depression, so I was (and still am) just calling it my "existential crisis". That was rlly the only word I could use to describe it. And it was dark and it was lonely and crushing and so, so awful. Despite the fact that I had an extremely loving and supportive friend group, I was always, ALWAYS afraid of speaking up about it. Despite them and all, I still felt super SUPER alone in the way I was feeling about life, my future, and my general purpose. This was all just reinforced by my parents and other adults in my life who I tried to come to in the past who would brush me off by saying I was overreacting, or that I'll "figure it out, because everybody does", or just generally not really understanding or showing any empathy at all. It took my entire life up until SENIOR YEAR ENGLISH CLASS when I went to my teacher about how I was feeling about a certain project that was triggering my symptoms, and that was the first time in my life when any adult had actually shown any sort of understanding or sympathy towards me and my feelings. That was the first time in my life where my mental struggles were validated by someone I respected and held to high regard.

But I still felt so very very alone, with no one to really talk to or who I knew was going through the same thing as me. So I ended up just,, , making someone who did.

Fun fact, before I really went ham on his development, Seaside was just gonna be a one-off oc with a happy go-lucky attitude and not much else about him. It was only until I heard the song What We Will Never Know (which later ended up becoming one of his theme songs bc of this) for the first time that I decided "WAIT,,. ,, BUT,, , WHAT IF,,. , ,,, , I MADE HIM SAD TOO" pretty much hkHKDJDJSK and that's what kick started his development!!

here I was, this sad, depressed, deeply lonely bitch with a love for making characters who played on extensions of myself, finally able to make something to cope with how awful I was feeling all the time. And that's what Seaside kinda was to me at first, he was my coping mechanism for working through hard bouts of my existenial crisis. I crafted his backstory to fit EXACTLY what I was going through at the time. He was content but never truly happy with how his life had been for as long as he could remember, then something exciting and new happens and he's suddenly thrust into a brand new world with so many new possibilities, but as he starts to settle in he realizes just how lost and alone he truly is in this new environment and he doesn't know where to go or what to do with himself. This is literally, EXACTLY a point-to-point retelling of my experience going through high school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with my life all with my mental health rapidly deteriorating around me. And having someone like that in my life, even fictional, even one I literally made up myself, made me feel better. I'd daydream scenarios of of us going on little adventures at the beach at night where no one else would see him in robot mode (gotta keep up the disguise aspect and all), but mostly it was just us hanging out, usually cuddled up to each other bc it gets cold on the beach at night, looking up at the stars, chillin and talking and just taking comfort in each other's presences and knowing that we weren't alone in our struggles. And I KNOW that sounds super stupid and cringey and dumb but like, that's genuinely what made, and still does, make me happy and it's what I used to help me hold on just a little longer to get through some of the really rough periods of my existenial crisis. When it got super bad, when I still even couldn't tell my closest friends about how low I was feeling, I still at least had Seaside with me to help me cope.

it wasn't until it got to the point where I was pretty much (lovingly) forced to wake up to the reality that I was rapidly becoming genuinely suicidal that things finally started to change, even just a little bit. I only very recently finally started to get my mind right, I finally told my parents the whole truth about how I was feeling, I got put on some meds that are honestly doing WONDERS for me rn, and I'm definitely in a much better place mentally then I was just a few months ago. I certainly still have a long way to go, but for now I'm just trying to enjoy the ride and just soak up and relish in the fact that I'm, for the first time in years, genuinely going about my days just happy to be out here living life without constantly being weighed down by the soul crushingly empty sorrow that hung over me 24/7. (and to said close group of friends, if you're indeed reading this, this may be the first time you're hearing about what I've been going through all the time, and if that's the case, I'm gonna have to kindly ask that you not come to me about it. I'll know when I'm ready to talk about this openly, but now I don't think I am. I'm really sorry to have kept it from y'all for so long, it really was just eating me up inside, but I think I explained myself well enough)

so now that I'm doing much better mentally, Seaside's outlook has kinda changed, but at the same time, not really?? he's still my comfort character for sure, always will be, but now he's not so much a coping mechanism as he is just a solid source of happiness and peace to turn to every now and again. This one little transformers oc just genuinely makes me really really happy, and I love to just soak it all in and feel every little thing!! We still share the not knowing what we're doing with our lives aspect of ourselves, but now it's a little less completely lost and anguished and hopeless and a little more hopeful and reassuring. Things are gonna be ok. We'll figure this out at our own pace. And we'll still have each other to turn to at every step of the way.

there's a lot of different kinds of comfort energies that many different kinds of comfort characters give off, and different ones resonate more with different people. The most common one I'll see at least is a kind of is parental comfort, someone you can come to for guidance in life because they have the experience to advise you on what to do and can be almost a better pseudo-parental figure. Mom friend types, loving dad energy, that kind of thing. Someone to protect you and give you big strong hugs and stuff. Seaside gives off a similar yet very different kind of comfort energy to me. It's not parental in any way because he's far too young (relatively, even in Cybertronian standards. He'd be like, mid to late 20s in human years) and inexperienced, and, frankly, still a little too naive and unknowing about a lot of things to really be someone to turn to for guidance or just generally be a pseudo-parental figure, but instead, he's just a good friend. He's a perfect kind of friend that'd stand by your side and will always be there for you through the ups and downs of life, someone who knows how to cheer you up when you're sad, someone you can share a solidarity in where you know you're experiencing the exact same struggles. He's just a good shoulder to lean on and a constant reminder that I'm never alone. And I couldn't ask for anything better tbh

so yeah. There's my ramble I guess lmao. To sum it up rlly I just love this big dumb robot w all my heart and soul and I'm so so glad I made him 💕💕💕

[a-black-pegasus]

We Told you so

I finnally saw Venom! Whoo!

Venom! And Eddie of course. Jk there's also a borrower.

______________________________________________

Venom was mearly resting while his host Eddie did sleep. Eddie needed this sleep. A lot of it, every night in fact. He would come home watch some TV, eat some tator tots and usually something else, and then go to his bedroom and sleep.

He would sleep for usually a third of the twenty four hour day. Almost eight hours of vurnerableness, of unconscious unawareness in which his host could be attacked!

It was a good thing Venom did not need to do sleep.

Venom could feel something was off lately. Ever since they moved here to this apartment he could feel eyes on them. And those same eyes were on Eddie's bed side table.

"Eddie...Wake up..."

Eddie cracked an eye open, and rolled over. "No, it's still late. Go back to sleep...." He murmered into his pilllow.

Venom sighed. It was always hard to wake Eddie up. He was such a baby. "Eddie. Get up look at your table. There's a—"

"Shhhh..." Eddie shushed.

Venom stirred annoyed inside Eddie at having been brushed aside. "Look! On the table! A being! Can we eat it??"

"What? We just ate— what do you mean 'A being'?" Eddie finnally sat up, and turned the light on.

As the bulb flickered on, a tiny person standing on the table froze mid way tearing some tissues out of the box.

"Oh...damn there is..." Eddie mumbled, shocked.

"We told you so! Now can we eat them?"

"No!"

***

You had lived here awhile, but the human had moved in only a week ago, and as far as humans went this one was downright bizarre!

He ate an unnatural amount of tator tots, and although that wasn't bad by itself, he talked to himself as well. Although it was more like giving a one sided lecture to someone that wasn't there. The topics were so.....odd. Not killing good people, not eating the neighbors cats, and debates about eating something besides tator tots were only a few of the subjects.

He was also much quicker than average humans.

There were a few times in the past week alone you were nearly caught. Times when you though he had no idea you were there, that he would suddenly snap his head towards your direction, eyes flashing white. But in the next moment he would pull his head around, his eyes back to normal and muterr "stop that" or "knock that out."

One time while making a tater tot casserole, and chopping up potatoes his head started twitching. Eddie threw his knife down, and gripped the counter shouting.

"Stop that! You're being paranoid you stupid parasite! There's nothing there!" He snapped frustratedly— and then he slapped himself!

That was two nights ago.

Tonight however you went out to borrow some tissues from the only place with an open tissue box. His bedroom.

All was going ok, until the human started talking in His sleep.

'Calm down, this doesn't mean anything... he's just a chatter box. He's just talking in his sleep.... you're good.' you thought, trying to reassure yourself.

Suddenly, he sat up, and turned the lamp on.

You froze. Your nails cut into your palm through the thin tissue as you began inwardly panicking. 'He's gonna kill me. I know it! This guy's insane!'

"Oh....damn there is.....No!" He shouted.

You flinched, and dropped the tissue. It wasn't worth it! Spinning on your heel you jumped fown from the box and ran to your hook. Before you could make it even half way across the surface something sticky and squishy nabbed your foot, and dragged you back.

You were pulled up to sit face to face with a horrible monster! He was sitting on the bed where the human was only moments ago!

He was inky black, covered in the same slime that held you. Two milky white eyes, like a giant fly were tilted down at you. His face split into a grin, and a pointy long tounge snaked out to lick your face.

You whimpered. Tears threatened to spill out of the corners of your eyes as his tounge trailed over you, but then you heard the humans voice.

"No! Stop! We don't eat tiny people Venom!" His voice shouted from inside the thing.

"We are curious. Is it tasty? Is it juicy?" You shuddered as his tounge finnally drew away. "But we won't Eddie." It seemed to sigh wistfully as it looked you over. "They are barely a mouth full anyways." And with that it sunk away, leaving the human in its place.The human, Eddie, looked down apologetically at you, and took a tissue to wipe away the saliva.

"I am so sorry about him. He's not as bad as it seems. Venoms just pissed that I didn't believe him." He paused, and spoke pointedly as if to the thing. "But he didn't need to take it out on you!" A beat passed. "What's your name? Are you ok?"

"(Y-Y/N)..." You stuttered, trying to dodge the fingers. "I...I don't..." You fell silent. You didn't want to tick off the human, or the black inky thing.

A few minutes passed until you finnally couldn't take it any longer. "P-please!..put, put me down!"

"Ok ok. I can do that." Eddie nodded his head lowering you, when his arm raised back up. "....what are you doing? Put them down."

"No. We like holding them. And if we cannot eat them we will hold them more." The symbiosis replied.

"No. Venom—" Eddie tried to speak patiently. "That's not how it works. We let them go now—"

"No. We want to hold them more. And We change our minds. They are weak and pitiful. We must protect them."

"Venom no. We can't keep them." Eddie said frustratedly.

You stiffened. He wasn't going to let you go! You didn't know what was going on, but you wanted out right now! You started punching, and kicking at his fist.

"Hey hey I'm sorry I—" He licked his lips and began setting you down, but then his arm jerked straight up. "Venom!" Eddie hissed.

"Let me calm them down."

"What? No! That is a very very bad idea!" He shook his head rejecting the idea. "You can not come out—"

"This will only take a few minutes. We will be hasty." Without another word venom came out. He slid over Eddie, his form slipping up the hand you fought against. "Listen, hey look." Venom laughed turning your head towards his face.

Your chin was tilted up, forcing you to meet Venoms eyes. Once you looked at them, it was like you were entrapped all over again. Your fists loosened their grip, and shook.

"We will not hurt you. Because you are small, weak, and Eddie thinks you are a good guy. And we only eat bad guys."

Did you hear Eddie sigh?

"Don't tell them you eat people." He groaned tiredly.

"But we do, but only the bad ones." Venom smirked. "We will see you again. We are sure of it...." It paused. "We have your scent. Goodbye tiny." And with that final promise, or threat...it let you go. Putting you down on the floor.

You didn't wait a single second. You took off running, pumping your arms and legs furiously as you took off back to your hole. There was no way you were letting yourself get caught again!

***

Eddie sighed as he sat on the bed. He was somewhat irritated, but also slightly surprised. "Why'd you let them go? I thought you said.."

"We have their sent. They are still in the room, in the walls. We do not have to hold them to keep them safe. We know where they are, and can find them again if they need us."

Eddie was shocked. "Wow. You know Venom that's very nice, and kinda sweet of yo—"

"Plus, we can get them, and hold them whenever we want now." Venom added cheekily.

"And there it is." Eddie mearly let it be as he layed back down again. "Goodnight buddy."

"Ahhhg. You're sleeping again?"

"Yes! It's like two in morning. So GOODnight." Eddie said firmly, flopping back in bed.

Venom grumbled. "Goodnight."

______________________________________________

Heyo! Hope you like it! Thanks for reading!

@sammigruber @sammie-skele-turtle @gatlily @nightmarejasmine @misfitsgalaxygt @obwjam @bee-wrecker @nerdqueenkat @tinyliltina @nini116 @queenofconspiracies @dc41016 @jasper-jazzle-zazzle @tiefling-trickery @tinyinabigworld

[maximumkillshot]

The Situation

Warnings: Gender Bent! Dean, Mentions of Menstrual Cycles, blood is described... ALSO FUNNY AS ALL HELL

Pairing: None

Characters: TFW

A/N: So, I got a prompt from @anathewierdo yesterday via ask and I found it so unique and hilarious that I had to write it all in one night... If you want a part 2 lemme know!!! Thank you so much for this prompt.... it was insanely fun!

The Prompt: 

TFW + crack + “How dare you. No. How dare you say that to me.” “Drama queen” “I was about to conquer the world. I was this close. Don’t you call me drama queen”+ gender bend ;) (If you’re up for it and if it doesn’t sound that bad) 

“All I Could Do” Masterlist- CLICK HERE

Overall Masterlist- Click Here

“When You Call” Masterlist- Click Here

“The Situation” Masterlist- Click Here

“SAMMY!!” I yelled as I looked in the mirror.

“Who is that?” I heard Cass ask Sam from outside, “Sounded like she was in Dean’s room.”

“I told him not to bring any girls to the bunker, let me take care of it.” Said Sam as I heard his footsteps coming to my room, it was then that I realized…. I didn’t go to bed with a t-shirt on.

As soon as I came to this realization I heard the door open and Sam say, “Oh sorry, uhm where’s the guy you came in with?” as he covered his eyes.

“Sammy it’s me… It’s Dean.” I said as I stood both horrified and yet, slightly aroused at my new body. I had wavy dark blonde hair that came down to the mid of my back and freckles that dotted my face, my face was downright gorgeous and I had a perfect rack and ass to match…

“Yeah right, very funny, ma’am could you please put a shirt on?” Sam asked.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SAMMY IT’S ME, LOOK!” I said as I took his hand away from his eyes and pointed to the anti-possession tattoo on my chest.

Sammy stood there dumbfounded as he stared at the tattoo… almost a little too long… “Alright alright, that’s enough looking,” I said as I covered my chest. I grabbed one of the smallest shirts that I had and it fit like a dress… great.

“What the hell happened, Dean?” Sammy asked.

“Well ain’t that the million dollar question… shit I gotta pee so bad it hurts… how do they do that?! I don’t know what to do.” I asked Sammy.

“I don’t know…”

“Let me call Jody.”

As soon as I called Jody I realized she isn’t going to recognize my voice… as soon as Sammy went to leave I called him back in..

“She isn’t gonna recognize my voice… you gotta tell her it’s me.”

“Ughh fine.”

Then finally she picked up…

“Hey Dean!” I heard Jody say….

“Hey Jody,” I said begrudgingly.

“I’m sorry who is this?”

“It’s Dean, Jody. It’s me… I have a little situation here.” I said in my new high pitched voice.

“Hahaha yeah right, who is this? And how did you get Dean’s phone?”

I motioned to Sam and he said, “Hey Jody, it’s Sam…”

“Oh hey Sammy who’s your new friend.”

“No one new, it’s just Dean… He’s… a she right now.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT?! NO WAY SEND A PICTURE… CLAIRE IS GONNA LOVE THIS!” Jody started laughing uncontrollably.

“JODY, it’s not that funny” I huffed.

“Oh yeah, it is!” I heard her slapping her hand on her desk at the station, most likely.

“Jody listen, I need your help..”

“Okay.., what is it?”

“I uhh, I don’t know how to umm. I don’t know how to pee..”

“WWWWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU DON--- AAAHAHA” Jody seemed like she was losing it.

“Nevermind, I’ll figure it out myself.” I said dejectedly..

“I’m sorry, it’s just... It’s a funny picture...Thanks, Sam.”

“No problem Jody,” Said Sam as he put his phone away, trying not to laugh.

“Ok Dean, to go to the bathroom, you just sit on the toilet and let it go…” Said, Jody, as she was recovering…

After I waived Sam away to explain to Cass what had happened, I took my phone to the bathroom, with Jody still on the line, and sat on the toilet.

I took a deep breath…”Okay, okay, it’s gonna be fine Dean.” I said to myself as I relaxed.. But it hurt like, really badly when I peed and it smelled awful, almost metallic.

“Jody? Is it supposed to feel like knives are in my pelvis?” I asked hunched over… When I looked at my boxers there was, “Uhmmm Jody, I’m bleeding… What the fuck is happening?!” I asked panicked.

“Dean? Are you on your period honey?” Jody asked…

“I don’t know I haven’t exactly had one before Jody!” I yelled…

“Accept the video chat,” said Jody.

As soon as I accepted it I aimed it at the ruined boxers.

“Ohh yeah, okay Dean, you’re on your period sweetheart.” Said Jody as gently as she could.

“What do I do?” I asked.

After getting a laundry list of things that I needed to get I wiped myself (Which was incredibly weird to do to my front), then I gave Sammy the list while I hunched over the war table in agony….

Sam said, “Oh C’mon Dean it can’t be that bad, you're just being overdramatic.”

I looked shocked… “How dare you. No. How dare you say that to me.”

“Drama queen” Sam laughed back

“Excuse me?!” I said shocked  “I was about to conquer the world. I was this close. Don’t you call me a drama queen!” I spat at him… “Now look at me, I feel like I have a blender in my pelvis, my breasts hurt, and I simultaneously want chocolate pudding pie and want to puke… what happened to me? The only positive here is that I’m kinda hot.” I said as I choked, near tears.

Cass responded from the doorway, “perhaps it was the witch that you called, ‘a spineless weak little girl’ that we killed yesterday.”

Dean looked at Cass and said “Oh shit… alright Sam, get those things for me, please. Cass, call Rowena…

Sam said, “And what are you going to do?”

“Me? I’m making a triple-decker bacon cheeseburger and fries, a chocolate milkshake, and a shit ton of mozzarella sticks… then I’m eating myself into a food coma.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know Sam, WHY ARE  MY INTERNAL ORGANS SHEDDING?! NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE YET HERE WE ARE!” I screamed as I stomped off into the kitchen.

Want a part 2? Tell me So!!

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[studiobeebo]

DO YOU WANT APPLES, OR BEES!? @izukulove

anyways i decided to make this a kaminari x reader, ik u like izuku but i just thought this matched denki’s memeing ass so well fjsfh (also ik i dont generally do scenarios but o h w e l l)

Being friends with Denki was..surprisingly fun at the best of times and a downright challenge at the worst. To be honest, he was one of your best friends and no matter how many times his crappy jokes or horrible flirtation attempts annoyed you, he always had this way of drawing you back in with that electrifying smirk and lame one liners. Unfortunately for him, his lighthearted personality and the fact that he was very much a ‘class clown’ was his downfall when it came to you.

It was true that when he first met you, his initial greeting was ‘I may not be a photographer, but I could totally picture me and you together. Name’s Denki, and you are?’, which wasn’t all that serious as it was just part of who he was as a person to flirt with every attractive girl he saw and you were definitely in the ‘attractive’ category. The more he got to know you though, the less playful and more serious his flirting attempts became and before he knew it you were on his mind nearly twenty four seven. When he told his friends about it though, even they didn’t believe it as they just figured this was just another ‘crush’ he’d forget about in two days when he passed a cute girl on the street or something, but this time, for once, he really was serious.

He could hardly explain the way you made his heart race every time you’d laugh wholeheartedly at one of his jokes and he practically lived for the afternoons where the two of you would lay around and watch movies or play games together. Maybe his friends were right that he usually didn’t stay interested in one person for very long, but this was different, and he knew it was different because when the other girls he liked seemed to show interest in others, he just sort of shrugged it off and moved onto the next one, but when you mentioned to him that you had a date coming up he was inexplicably jealous.

“Well why the hell are you going on a date with him if you don’t even like him!?” He shouted after nearly spitting out his drink only for you to shush him since the two of you were currently eating in the cafeteria together.

“Jeez, don’t be so loud! And I don’t..not like him, I just don’t like like him!”

“Well what’s the difference!?” He whisper yelled back, trying his best to heed your warning but this was honestly just blowing his mind. One moment you’re talking about how you recently started talking to an acquaintance, not even a friend, might he add, and the asshole had the audacity to ask you out on a dinner date and you said yes even though you weren’t even into the guy in more than a platonic way!

“Well I’m just trying it out! Who knows, maybe i’ll hang out with him and we’ll click or something, I don’t know!” You huffed, getting increasingly frustrated with both yourself and your idiot of a friend.

See, you had thought that recently, once you realized how you felt about him, you had made your interest in him very obvious. You were practically begging him to finally legitimately ask you out rather than jokingly flirt with you like you were sure he did with every girl in sight, but every extra brush of your arm against his own or flirtatious comment of your own seemed to go unnoticed. You were starting to think that maybe he just really wasn’t into you and that your friends who had been reassuring you all along were wrong, so when you were asked out by an old ‘friend’ a few days after you began talking again, you figured why not? You could use the distraction anyways and maybe this guy really could be a rebound for your slightly broken heart.

Kaminari groaned for extra measure, but decided to shut his mouth about the topic as he sullenly played around with the food leftover on his plate. Part of him was screaming to just tell you about just how much he liked you, but the part of him that convinced him that he probably didn’t have a chance anyways kept him quiet. The two of you chatted for a bit more, but for the rest of the day it was clear that he was a bit down while you were preoccupied with your own thoughts.

By the end of the week you were so ready for a few days off considering how rigorous your school work and training had become and you were actually sort of excited for your ‘date’ and even went as far as to doll yourself up and dress like you weren’t exhausted for once. It was a bit awkward seeing your date for the first time since middle school once you met up at the train station, but after talking for a few minutes it wasn’t all that bad. You were also pretty happy to wind up at his restaurant of choice which happened to be an Applebee’s because you weren’t really looking to blow every cent you had on a meal and something casual  made you feel less pressured to appear too impressive. That, and you knew that recently Kaminari had picked up a part time job here so you figured if anything, if he was even working, you could get him to make some excuse for you if you felt like ditching.

By the time you had been seated, your date had excused himself to the restroom which left you fiddling with your phone before hearing that familiarly and annoyingly charming voice ring out from beside me.

“You really couldn’t spend a day away from me, huh [Name]?”

You rolled your eyes before even looking at Kaminari, thinking it was some sort of stupid coincidence that he not only happened to be working, but he appeared to be your server as well.

“How else am I supposed to make fun of you for that stupid outfit?” You teased, gesturing to the horrible ‘Applebee’s’ hat he was adorning.

“Well I’m not the one on a date at an Applebee’s.” He chided back, figuring he might as well put in his two cents about his everlasting distaste for this whole situation anyways.

While you waited for your date to get back, however, the two of you chatted about whatever came to mind and unsurprisingly, your date wasn’t too happy to come back only to find a server with one palm on the table leaning a bit too close to you for his comfort. You didn’t even notice him coming, so when Kaminari randomly stopped mid sentence only to say the most ridiculous shit you had ever heard, obviously in an attempt to weird out your date without you even noticing, you were honestly shocked.

“-It’s kinda dumb they don’t call boxing “fisting”, isn’t it? Anyways welcome to Applebee’s, can I get you guys something to drink?”

The second he said that you absolutely lost your shit, nearly choking on your own spit while doubling over in laughter, however your date didn’t find it nearly that funny. He simply scoffed at Kaminari, before sitting down with brows furrowed. When you noticed he obviously wasn’t happy, you tried to stop laughing by pursing your lips, but you couldn’t help the innocent little snorts that came out as you tried to order a soda since Kaminari was just giving you a ridiculous grin because he fuck did it feel good to make you laugh so hard and completely ignore your date’s new found dislike for him. The moment he left after also taking your date’s drink order, your date immediately started talking about how ‘gross that dude was’, and when your smile faltered and you began defending him, saying that he was a close friend of yours and that you thought his jokes were funny, he just shrugged you off.

The rest of the evening was painfully awkward as your date became rather childish and pouty the more Kaminari came over and made jokes or little comments that would send you into fits of giggles. By the time your meal was over, your date was kind enough to pay for your meals, but still made the excuse of saying he got a text about an emergency and couldn’t walk with you to the station, even though he hadn’t picked up his phone at all throughout your date, before dashing. You didn’t mind all that much though, so you just waved him off and when Kaminari came back around with a satisfied smirk on his face you gave him the best ‘disappointed mother’ look you could muster, though it was hard to keep yourself from smiling for long.

“You did that on purpose.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about!” He gasped out, acting astonished but smiling as you just shook your head and laughed upon realizing just how ridiculous this whole situation was. You were getting tired of dancing around him like this, acting like you hadn’t fallen for him and using lame dates you didn’t even want to participate in as a distraction, so with a final sigh you decided to just get it over with and rip off the bandaid.

“You know if you dislike my dates so much then maybe you should just try to improve them yourself.”

Kaminari laughed, but when he saw the questioning look on your face, his face fell flat as he realized you were being serious before choking out a shocked. “S-Seriously!?”

You shrugged in response, your cheeks beginning to burn a bit in embarrassment as you couldn’t really tell if that was a good ‘seriously’ or a bad ‘seriously’, but even though you could have easily made it out to be a joke, you decided to continue on anyways.

“Yeah seriously, I mean, If you want to.”

“Are you kidding!?” He exclaimed, his face lighting up again like an excited puppy. “I-I’d love to! That would be totally wicked!!”

His smile was infectious as a relieved smile of your own spread across your face, but before you could continue your conversation his name was called out by an angry looking manager who was pointing at a table of people that must have been Kaminari’s duty to serve.

“Jeez, that old fart can’t even give me two seconds! This is so lame to say, but I’ll text you! About the..the date thing.” He nodded excitedly about a hundred times while giving you a thumbs up before turning around and hurriedly walking over to the waiting table of people with a pep in his step.

You probably could have stayed there forever, watching him give that adorably sheepish smile while he apologized, but you gathered your things and began your walk back to the station, no longer bothering to hide the smile on your face and the enthusiastic racing of your heartbeat knowing that in the end, your date had gone even better than you could have ever imagined.

[kylosrehn]

Fitz, Aida, Jemma & Trip for the character thing!😃

Fitz:

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang (from like, mid s4 onwards, lol.)hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: He always tries to see the best in people. Also, his resilience—he’s been through so much shit in his life but he’s never given up. worst quality: He backs down from arguments, even when he’s right, just to let certain people *cough* Jemma *cough* “win” for the sake of peace, to keep her happy and to prevent her from leaving again. He has critically low self-esteem and thinks he’s not good enough, even when it’s shown that he clearly is. Tends to do stupid/dangerous things in order to save others—jumping into random portals to weird alien planets, screaming at dangerous melting space rocks, etc. Look after yourself, dude!ship them with: Ophelia (in the Framework, or in a redemption team au scenario), Daisy.brotp them with: Jemma (I love them as a platonic friendship, but I never shipped them romantically, and I lowkey hate that they went there in canon and the way they went about it too), Hunter.needs to stay away from: His father, literally. misc. thoughts: He’s had the most significant character development out of all the characters on AOS, imo. I didn’t care about him all that much in the beginning, he didn’t have much depth beyond designated nerdy friend/tech designer/occasional comic relief, but he’s grown into one of the most brave, kind-hearted (and now also attractive and badass) characters on the show. Honestly, I’m mostly just sticking around for him. I think I’d have noped out of the show if it wasn’t for him. 

Aida:

(See, this is always hard, because I love Ophelia, but the actual android Aida in the first few eps, not so much. So, uh, I guess I’ll just do both? lol)

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess (Aida) | like them! | love them (Oph) | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would banghogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: She’s determined, and she’ll work towards her goal no matter what (lol, literally.) She has the capacity to see the error of her ways and want to change for the better (eventually surrenders the tablet to Fitz in the Framework, expressing her regret over her actions, saying that saving Mack was the best moment of her life, asking if the team will be able to forgive her, etc.) worst quality: Anger issues is an understatement, lol. Driven by vengeance. Needs to learn how to communicate better. Use your words, not your fists, girl, lol.ship them with: Fitz (again, in the Framework and in a redemption au scenario.)brotp them with: I always thought she’d get along well with May. They always had this…weird connection (plus, her “heart”/power source literally saved May’s life, that’s kinda special), she really seemed to care about May and her well-being and respect her. I think she admired her strength and resilience. Plus, she was in favor of keeping her alive, giving her a chance and potentially trying to rehabilitate her when the team were having a vote on what to do with her in 4x21. I would’ve loved to see May take on a mentor kind of role with Ophelia. I think Daisy could potentially warm to her, and maybe Elena and Mack would come around with time, too.needs to stay away from: Ghost Rider, lol. Also, the Superior, whose brilliant plan to get the Darkhold literally got her killed. Damn it, girl. lol.misc. thoughts: I think she deserved better. She had potential. I was 100% on board with a redemption arc for her (which seemed pretty likely until…that scene.) We’ve never had a villain-turned-team-member redemption arc, and I think it would’ve been really satisfying to watch her trying to navigate being human and working as part of a team unit. 

She wouldn’t even have to be romantically involved with anyone, I just wanted to see her struggling to adjust but being driven by this desire to repent and do good (she literally said she doesn’t want to hurt anyone again, and that saving Mack brought her joy, I mean, come on) and just learning to be human with the help of the team. Also, she was weirdly…on top of things after coming out of the Framework. There was a lot of telling, not showing (which, tbh, is a prevalent problem on this show.) She’d talk about all these emotions she was feeling, but at the same time she was so…I don’t know, graceful? lol. I kind of wanted to see her being all over the place, fascinated and a little overwhelmed by everything, all the sensations and the sudden ability to smell, touch, taste, etc. Aside from that one scene with the sand and water on the beach, we didn’t really get to see a lot of her actually experiencing things for that first time, which I think would’ve been quite fun to watch. 

Jemma:

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life (this largely depends on what she’s doing/what season we’re talking about. For example, I liked her well enough in S1, her endless fascination with all the scientific/magical weirdness they encountered and her excited babbling was delightful. I still like her when she’s sciencing. But aside from that, she’s one of my least favourite characters, definitely out of the mains, and probably tied with Coulson. I just don’t like the way they’re writing her.)hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would banghogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff (I think her love of science and constant desire to discover and understand the weird and wonderful are her defining traits; however, I see S3-onwards Jemma also having Slytherin qualities since she started developing hard edges and is often shown to be driven by the desire for personal vengeance—Hive, Aida, etc.)best quality: See above. Her fascination with science is downright delightful, and I always love those moments with her on the show.worst quality: She’s very domineering. She and Fitz aren’t exactly on equal footing in many instances—she has this need to “win” in some ways, like, “oh, you think you’ve had it bad? Well, I’ve had it worse” or “yeah, yeah, I don’t care what you say, I still proposed first”, stuff like that. It’s frustrating. Let him speak his mind, lol. She’s very Hermoine-esque in that sense.ship them with: No one, really. Or, well, that’s not true, but none of them are on the show/alive anymore, lol. I liked her dynamic with Ward in S1 (the way they balanced each other out but also somehow complimented each other, the soft scientist and the “unfeeling” built-like-a-house specialist) and then later on with Trip. Also, *controversial opinion*, Jemma/Will wasn’t all that bad. I mean, I wasn’t crazy about it (there really isn’t all that much to glean from just one episode, not for me anyway) but I don’t think it deserved the absolute outrage and flame-throwing hatred it got in the fandom. Then again, I never shipped FS romantically, lol, so all alternate pairings are more than welcome in my book.brotp them with: Fitz and Daisyneeds to stay away from: Monoliths, lol.misc. thoughts: I think part of my problem with Jemma’s character (aside from the writing) is fandom’s reaction to her. I don’t know, I just find that *some* people have the tendency to put her on this imaginary pedestal and praise her for every little thing she does, acting like she’s some saintly martyr or something. In the eyes of the fandom, she can do no wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a complaint or any sort of constructive criticism about her character (in the public posts anyway), and that’s so frustrating. Of course she’s got flaws. They all do. But idk people just tend to think she’s this ever-suffering, Holy Mother type of character, all the time, no matter what. It’s like, yes, you can be critical of your fave and still have them be your baby. 

Trip:

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would banghogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: Kindness, loyalty and bravery. Also this easy, almost effortless kind of chemistry he had with the team. They all lit up a little bit whenever he walked into the room, and happiness is something they always need and never get enough of. Like a portable sunshine, lol.worst quality: I don’t want to say selflessness like it’s a bad thing but…I mean, you probably shouldn’t touch weird smoking crystals of unknown (and suspected alien) origin, right? Naivety, maybe? A little bit?ship them with: Jemma, mostly, I think. I know TripSkye is pretty big in the fandom, but I always saw it as a more platonic, big-brother type of thing, whereas there was definitely some flirting going on with Simmons, imo. She wasn’t exactly shy about fancying him, lol.brotp them with: Skye and Fitz (they deserved more scenes together, seriously.)needs to stay away from: Terrigen, lol. misc. thoughts: I liked him, he was a very positive character, but he wasn’t around enough for me to develop an opinion beyond that. Like, he virtually had no flaws, or, well, he was never shown to have any in the time that he was on screen anyway. That’s…never realistic, really. We don’t really know much about him aside from the fact that Garrett was his S.O., that his friend died because of the Clairvoyant/Garrett crap some time before canon, that his mother is alive, and that his grandfather was a Howling Commando. So, not much backstory. I mean, they don’t even bother to expand on the backstories of their existing mains, but still, I would’ve liked to know more about him. That way, you get more attached, you can relate to them more, and it hurts that much more when they kill them off, lol.

[sleepingfancies]

I’m mad and it’s about my son so you already KNOW I have a lot to say here.

The thing that is so infuriating about Chris Manawa’s situation and subsequent death is the timing and literal execution of his story line. Get ready, because there’s a hell of an essay below.

Chris Manawa got scratched out of FTWD in S2 after his fan support plummeted when he started down a rocky, arguably sketchy path. But here’s the question of the day: how would that storyline have ended if the writers hadn’t gotten cold feet about it? Too bad we’ll never know, but let’s dissect what’s so goddamn frustrating about this. In stages, broken down, so y’all can follow.

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1. Inherent Good vs. Inherent Evil vs. That Little Grey Area

 Let’s talk about Rick Grimes for a second. Our guy Rick went completely off the rails in S3 after Lori’s death, and still had moments in S4 and S5 where his actions were pretty “yikes” (i.e. leaving desperate, likely harmless hitch hikers to walkers, slaughtering people in a church, ripping a guy’s throat out with his teeth, etc).

“But Clara,” you say, “those acts were justified.”

Well, partially, sure. But on the other hand - that’s what the writers have lulled us into thinking. We know that Rick has seen some shit, been through some shit, and had to make some shit decisions. We know he’d do anything to protect Carl and Judith. He’d do anything to protect The Group. He doles out justice like he’s a walking gavel. We automatically give him a pass for this. He’s a damaged man and those are his family members; we can understand him going a little cuckoo sometimes. And besides, Rick would never go “dark side.” No matter how ruthless Rick can get, there is never any real, honest to god danger that Rick might completely snap. And if it ever seems like Rick is going down a bad road and losing fan support, well, the writers just throw in someone worse - like Shane, the Governor, the Terminus cannibals, or Negan. So long as there’s someone inherently bad, no one will start to wonder if Rick is still a capable leader.

The lack of anyone inherently bad in FTWD immediately handed Chris an extreme disadvantage when it came to his arc. We, as viewers, were simply not allowed to see his actions compared to the actions of someone who had solely poor intentions. We were not allowed to see the actions of a traumatized teenage boy in comparison to a grown ass man holding a barbed wire baseball bat who simply doesn’t care who lives or dies, so long as he’s alpha male (you know who we did get to see that comparison with? Carl fucking Grimes).

Let’s talk about why that is, shall we?

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2. Before (The Good), During (The Bad & the Ugly), and After (The Good)

With most major/minor characters (or even antagonists) in stories of all kinds (but especially televised stories), we see their “before and after” to trauma and challenge. Daryl and Carol had abusive family backgrounds that explain how they can behave and think sometimes. Shane genuinely thought Rick was dead and grew attached to Lori and Carl in the chaos, began to feel responsible for them, even love them. Even at his worst, he continually brings this up, and to a point it does explain how he can think and behave sometimes. Even the Governor had a tragic backstory, both initially and after he lost Woodbury.

Chris Manawa’s storyline is not a “before and after” story, it’s a “right here, right now” story. 

When the apocalypse really kicks in, we as an audience find ourselves right smack in the mid-beginning of Chris’ development. Think about it; he watches his mom get shot in the head, he’s thrust into a world where he isn’t safe anymore, and he’s surrounded by people who make him feel like an outcast. Add the cherry on top that he’s literally just a 16 year old kid, well shit, now you have a traumatized, isolated character who is neither mentally nor emotionally prepared to handle the situation.

What does this result in? Fucked up shit. Bad decisions. Anger - deep-seated, simmering anger that is not being dealt with, but just continually building. Look, I love my mom. Love my mom. She’s the best person I know. I look up to her, and if my parents got divorced and my dad kept telling me to give my “new family” a try, I wouldn’t want to either. I’d stay with my mom. I’d trust my mom. I’d know that she was the one constant in my life who would never voluntarily leave me or force me to hang out with my step-siblings. And then, she gets infected. No one understands by what. My mom is going to die, and then she dies because my dad shoots her in the head in front of me. In that scenario, personally, I would be beyond distraught. I would be beyond angry. I would withdraw and cut myself off and mourn and smash shit and yeah, I’d probably dissociate so fucking hard. Especially after finally trying to reach out to my step-family and getting shut the fuck out.

We don’t get to see the resolve of Chris’ backstory, because his backstory is his present in FTWD. Think. About. It. This is the kinda shit you’d expect to hear 5 minutes of over sad piano music as the narrator looks off into the mid-distance on TWD. This is the kind of backstory you’d expect to hear from someone like Daryl, or Beth. Hell, this almost is Beth’s arc.

And, sadly enough, Chris’ arc being shown presently rather than presented as backstory is almost precisely what killed him. My poor traumatized son. My third and final point is to finally settle this bullshit comparison once and for all, bc y’all see fit to do my son dirty.

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3. Carl vs. Shane vs. Negan

You know what made Shane so despicable? The fact that despite the many chances Rick gave him, he continually fought only for himself and his best interests, he continually wanted what Shane thought Shane deserved. He was selfish, arrogant, close-minded, obsessive, and downright untrustworthy.

Does literally any of that sound like Chris? Chris, the boy who tried to help Alicia over a fence and got punched in the face for it? Chris who tried so many fucking times to alert Travis and Madison that he was NOT FUCKING OKAY and needed help but they ignored him at every turn? The boy who kept making steps to leave the group because he thought they were better off without him there? The poor thing might’ve turned suicidal if he had been forced to stay with them.

“But Clara,” you cry, “remember that time Chris shot an innocent man?”

Yes, I do. I remember when my sneaky son tackled Travis pretending he just wanted a hug. I remember my angry garbage boy taking so much satisfaction in axing walkers between a fence.

You know who else shot an innocent man? Carl Grimes.

You know who else repeatedly takes pleasure in killing zombies? Carl Grimes.

You know who acts condescending, dangerous to their own families, and remark on the fuckability of every woman they meet? Shane and Negan.

You know who DOESN’T act condescending, dangerous to their own families, and remark on the fuckability of every woman they meet? Carl Grimes and Chris Manawa.

Huh. It’s almost like... Chris would’ve been another Carl Grimes, if he had had a competent parent who’d recognized his trauma and helped him through it. If the writers hadn’t chickened out by the fandom backlash and decided they were going to see Chris’ arc through rather than cut it short while they felt like they were ahead.

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BONUS ROUND: Trauma, Dissociating, and Cries for Help

Let’s just peep at some things Chris said while he was alive, mainly in his almost-final moments.

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(when Travis is skeptical about joining James, Derek, and Brandon because  the Clarks are a perfectly nice group) “[Derek and Brandon] look at me different [from the Clarks].”

(When Travis says Chris is making a mistake by trusting Derek and Brandon) “I would hide at recess every day because the football guys used to make fun of me. What’d you tell me? ... The lesson was to fit in. I’m fitting in.”

(when Travis protests at Chris’ attachment to Derek and Brandon, saying he’s only known them for two days) “They’re my friends. James is my friend.”

(when Travis says they don’t need Derek and Brandon) “I do.”

(when Travis asks for the date) “No, dad, I lost track. What does it matter?”

(when Travis remarks he should’ve helped Chris) “I’m no good. Look at me. I’m no good!”

(when Travis asks what Chris is doing killing walkers behind a fence) “Making myself useful.”

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Like. Holy shit, how does this not SCREAM to y’all that this is a kid who has a history of feeling like an unwanted outcast and he needs help my fuckignfw GOD this boy just needed HELP

He’s depressed and dissociating and angry and JESUS. He latched on to Derek and crew in two days because he’s that fucking desperate to be wanted and included and in on the joke for once

TL;DR don’t come for my son because I am upset and moody about this and he will always be more of a parallel to Carl than to Negan or Shane and I’m so goddamn FRUSTRATED that the writers didn’t have the guts to just fucking finish his fucking arc and let him be at peace god fucking damn I just

FUCK