#it wasnt enough for it to happen once
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seeing friend groups die slowly is always such an experience cause its like. wow. ive been here since day 1 clawing at everyone's doors for attention and to hang out and to keep everyones schedules in mind and to be as inclusive as possible so we can all hang out
only to be met with the most increasingly dismissive, lukewarm response. and now that i no longer do that, yall would rlly prefer to let the whole friendship die slowly than ping your own fucking friends once or twice to hang out. you'd think years of friendships would do smth to yknow. bypass that anxiety of pinging ppl. bc youve known them for so long, or to be considerate and keep them in mind and remember things about them. yknow. treat them like fucking friends instead of walls that you can talk at abt your fucking interests, but i guess i wasnt that fucking relevant nor important each and every fucking time and these friends would rlly prefer to drift away than risk being vulnerable for 5 seconds
#it wasnt enough for it to happen once#it had to happen a second time#and a third one#and a fourth one#in the same fucking span of time#im just rlly tired im super tired#bc all of this keeps reinforcing this awful thought in my head#that im always going to be too much for everyone#and i'll either have to tone it down for ppl to give a shit#or just be eternally lonely over it#bc no one gives enough of a shit to reach out to me bc Prince Is Always Gonna Be There!#stop. taking me for granted please. im tired of being your extrovert friend to pass on the burdens of social interaction#i keep making a fucking fool of myself to get friendgroups to stay together#but you guys couldnt even ping me to hang out. yall would rather wait. and wait. for me to take that first step#bc god fucking forbid this friendship is a two-way thing
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NEW girlfailure! Girl who has firmly convinced herself that she's been struck with quantum immortality, and lives her life accordingly (reckless and stupid).
Ends up getting involved in a fight between two vampires and almost dies (but doesnt!!! immortality PROVEN!), and is rewarded by the winner with an opportunity to become her kin. However said vampire is kinda stinky and a heavy smoker (ew) so she just runs away instead, with her now questionably human body & cool new scars to chuuni out about
#my art#artists on tumblr#oc#original character#my artwork#drawing#digital art#kind of an overly detailed premise here but bear with me#quantum immortality is like. if infinite parallel universes where everything happens are real then theres one where you just keep surviving#every possible incident life throws at you even if the odds are crazy against you#and she believes she is that version of herself bc she really does have a cockroach like tendency to just keep surviving#basically her story is just her getting into shit bc she believes shes above consequences. and then theres that vampire observing her antic#while smoking 10 cigs at once about it all#bc thats what observing eyepatch girl here does to you#the matter of her body isss she wasnt quite turned but the vampire gave her some of her blood to stop her from immediately dying#and it was enough to have An Effect on her so itd be like ideal for her to stay under her supervision. but eyepatch doesnt want that#shes got lots of crazy scars from the incident and she feels very cool about them. but she also covers them up because thats also a cool th#ng to do#her cool secrets :)))))#oc lore#woah this got long. shouldve just made a post about it.
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i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans
#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies#westerner or russian. no other option#westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world#'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened#to eastern europeans during that time#forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too#its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT#god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history#for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people#and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good#FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world#fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough#vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion#i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect#which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea#perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things#idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso#horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me#the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it#(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low#i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like#you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone#will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored
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me: so yeah i feel super dizzy and lightheaded when i stand up and also just at random times of the day and also my heart just starts pounding randomly and it skips a beat randomly at least once a day and im also experiencing these other small things that i realized probably arent normal
the cardiologist: yeah, your heart’s beating too fast, but that’s just Normal Teenager Things™️! probably just like dehydration or something lol
#at least he sent me for blood tests and stuff#(which all came back normal)#and i have to wear a heart monitor for three days#my parents got mad at me because its been happening for a while and i didnt say anything#but in my defense i genuinely just didnt know that it wasnt normal#i thought that it just happened sometimes#also i didnt know the amount until i actually started to have to track it for the heart monitor#and maybe im not drinking Enough water but i genuinely dont think thats the main issue#i could be completely wrong but it feels like its more than that#we’ll see i guess#once im done with this and they get the results in and decide if they want to just brush it off or whatever#also had a nurse who was like weirdly insistent that i mustve been drinking a shit ton of soft drinks#just cause i mentioned that ill have a soft drink with meals sometimes (not nearly to the extent she was trying to say)#and she wouldnt believe me or my mom when we said that the soft drinks are pretty much always zero-sugar zero-caffeine#tachycardia#i mean thats what the doctor said it looks like#i dont really know what else to tag#chronic illness#maybe???#i dont know i dont have a diagnosis or anything so i dont wanna be like “oh thats def what that is”#also#pots#possibly#i did a shit ton of research on my own and i just really felt like what i was experiencing was lining up with it#but i dont wanna self diagnose
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oh my god it just had some kind of bad pacing what is this video length for
#barry.txt#friendly space ninja be normal once challenge#there wasnt even enough that happened in show to warrant this much discussion. its an adaptation of an almost 20 year old childrens book#it was decent if flawed. chill
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Man. I just get so actually legitimately sad each time I remember that toh ended and that we live in the post-toh world. Like it really is over.
Ms Dana Terrace has said that she'd like to do more given the chance (and after some quality time off of bigger projects, just to chill), but as far as we know, it's the end.
Heck, we barely got anything after the final episode, no books, no special merch, no dedicated little chibi shorts, nothing really, aside from the, thankfully fun, get-togethers of the cast and crew!
Idk. Ah well actually nah, I do know, that this show just meant an enormous lot to me. Incredibly huge, the kind that you can't break away from and wouldn't want to anyway. The kind that feels like, man, where would I be without it.
Happy 1 Year, to the end of The Owl House. Thank you, The Owl House.
I hope the future is bright, for all of us.
#The Owl House#TOH#Owl House#and tbh. its also why I havent exactly been posting as much!#I just. really miss it man.#and thinking so hard of how great it all was. gets me choked up for real lol.#I do hope theres more for us in the future. I really cant say for certain.#Cause to be less sentimental and more analytical for a moment#TOH was d1sney's biggest original ip hit that wasnt a movie for both such a long time and in a good long time!#Yes yes the internet doesn't always entirely mean the reality of things (which is why financially bcg is their biggest hit technically)#but to actually think back upon it all#TOH always had news articles and video essays and huge followings on tons of communities#especially on youtube! which isn't that easy! Youtube will always be dominated by bigger named things so the fact that toh DID get trending#number 1 more than once? Was incredibly impressive. And not just that but the viewer demand and count were through the roof! Huge in general#television numbers. All to say that is is that toh was an enormous hit. both financially and to people. so. yeah. It's. kind of in the air?#I guess? that no one really knows what could happen. I mean hell amph1bia is still getting books.#Granted....lets not forget ofc that disknee really. really. reaaaally doesnt. like. toh. ×^| but who knows!#personally? still hoping for a save the light styled game someday. or just some game that I can play on my switch someday.#but yep! Enough of my rambling. Thank you for everything The Owl House. really. Truly.
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I'll bury myself with your suffering, if that's what it takes
#girls when they love someone so much yet are all to aware that they unwittingly cause them suffering#and would do anything to ease it for them#even die#i think about how she makes SEVERAL comments on how she wishes she was dead so thancred wouldnt suffer so much#when she suggests fusing with minfilia proper shes literally like. i dont care what happens to me anymore i want to do whatever i can#even if it means dying/disappearing in the process#she genuinely thinks this is the only way her existance is justified#as a vessel and stepping stone for minfilia#bc shes not strong enough not fast enough she doesnt have minfilias powers#and (as far as she knows) she doesnt even have thancreds love. the person she loves the most doesnt actually care about her (in her mind)#all her life shes been a source of suffering for everyone around her#her existance was a threat to vauthry and a source of grief for ran'jit#and grief and hope and hate and love and everything all at once for thancred#like he did love her. but he also hated that it wasnt minfilia. and he grieved having to lose one but also hope for whoever would surivive.#all she wanted was for him to love her for HER and when she couldnt have that she sought his love the only way she know how#by becoming the person he wished her to be instead#ryne waters#final fantasy#final fantasy 14#final fantasy xiv#ff14#ffxiv#art#my art#xanders art#digital art#fan art#xander being insane about ryne#tw blood#cw blood
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bye bela :(
#she doesnt come back in liams run sadly ;;#i can never get her approval quite high enough oops#(tbf tho im not making a Huge Effort since thats how it happened the first time and its a replay run anyways)#laya plays dragon age#liam for his part is. so so pissed rn#what the FUCK isabla what do you MEAN you need that relic???#like. what. you would trade having one guy off your back for having THE QUNARI hunting you down????#he is. VERY goddamn angry in that qunari compound. at isabela but also just in general at Everything#that being said he still cant bring himself to tell the arishok that isabela has the tome#in part out of spite towards the arishok but also bc he genuinely doesnt know if the relic was there and/or if bela has it now#and if it wasnt then isabela might get hunted and killed for nothing#and if she does have it? well theyre gonna find out soon enough#stop fucking acting like this is all his fault somehow#if it were for him once the qunari attack he'd frantically gather up his friends and gamlen and evacuate somewhere safe#he does NOT want to be in the arishoks line of sight when he goes on a rampage#(hah. we all know how that works out LOL)
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i need 911 to make henren happy and then leave them the fuck alone
#like how many times has henren had their kids taken away from them (or like the threat of it)#there was the cheating which lead to denny potentionally being taken away (im including the biodad storyline too because it was poorly done#and them trying for a baby which was just so heartbreaking and hard on them#and then nia (which at least that ultimately had a sweet ending but god it still hurt)#and now mara??#like fuck off#leave them the fuck alone#let those lesbians have kids!!!!!!#they want kids!!!! they want so many kids and 911 is just denying them#if i was a writer they wouldve been like swimming in babies by now#they are such good parents and you can tell they love being parents so fucking let them!!!!#like once the mara storyline is resolved henren better just be living it up and being so happy for the rest of the show#stop taking their kids away it is so fucked up and i am so over it#like why does that storyline have a chokehold on the writers#theyve done it to henren so many times and then they said yk what thats not enough lets take chris away too#STOPPP#it wasnt a good storyline the first time it happened nor the second or third or fucking ever!!!#im begging the writers to retire the take away the kids idea#please it is like the most unoriginal and uninspired idea ever and what does it even do????#nothing it just hurts and makes the parents feel like they arent good parents or that they dont deserve kids#i stg once mara and chris are home that better be IT#no more kids being taken away its so fucked#henren
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i think ultimately it was too many small things cumulating within the span of a week it's just impressive that it always happens when i'm in pms hell. god gave his worst mental illness combinations to his lamest soldiers
#thank fuck woulge played jackbox without me before i hit pms that wouldve been BAD#like i was bummed of course but it wasnt that serious. hormones really will fuck my shit up its so fucking bad#i take dismissal or being ignored or 'maybe later's as disinterest & then turns out ppl were interested!#but because somehow circumstances keep making it that im not there it communicates to me that they just did not want me.#& this. keeps happening to me. 😭 WITH SO MANY PEOPLE#so maybe im just not annoyingly insistent enough but id rather die than become a nuisance#if i offer to play with more than once thats already too much. id rather play alone at that point probably.#& dont get me started on asking for help. ill do it once then thats enough.#people have communicated more than enough to me that they dont care about doing early game content#hold up the beautiful soul who stole one singular madeleine yesterday?? BISCUIT TIME#mentwl illness cancelled im having a fucking snack BITCH
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Quivering and hooking my fingers into my mouth and biting down hard on them sobbing because the anime
#Listen to my problems#oh god the anime ...#i like calling myself a male fujo because fundanshi doesnt have the same rep and i want people to know what theyre dealing with#hang on i think i left tsukasa in the car#oh fuck my sweetie ..... !!!! he died of carbon monoxide :((((#i miss him so much ... hes like my muse but i cant use that word anymore after what happened with mars. once in a lifetime event#now i can only say 'i like himm :3' because i do. and hes my best friend#hes such a character hes literally all about momentum hes defined by it. Hes so intelligent and quick but when it comes to his life goals#and longterm direction you can kind of tell he wasnt banking on living long and it carries over. that kind of lifestyle and mindset that#held him together for more than a decade is difficult to shed. he hasnt had a chance to grow since the first time he realised his parents#wouldnt lift a finger to take care of him. it was all about survival and stitching blinkers into the sides of your head so you dont falter#dont think about how youre going to get through this just get through it. dont think about how youre going to be doing this for the rest of#your life just get it done. he clipped his own wings and chained himself to the rock he believed in so that when it was dropped in the ocean#he would fall with it without question this is a man who cut his own brake lines because stopping was not an option hes so coooool i cannot#stress enough how he was going to die a horrible death if the world hadnt ended and suddenly he was freed from all obligations. the second#he was awake though ? right back to it. suddenly its his job to recreate the world anew. pure. according to his ideals. nobody should have#to suffer as he did and he will protect them all... hes responsible for them all. it wont be the same as last time this time for sure theyll#get it right. Right? of course theres no room for doubt. that voice at the back of his head has to be crushed underfoot if he stops moving#then he'll fail and he cannot fail ... thats all there is to it he just cant fail. hes literally awesome ... my best friend tsukasaaaaa#and the other guy too i guess
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I hate how if you do art ppl will tell you to do something more valuable with your time. Dont get me wrong, they'll tell you your art looks so nice and stuff but then turn around right after like they didnt just say that and spout 'advice' at you. I hate how you have to prove the value in something to make it seem worthwhile. Like no Nisha, i dont do art because im good at it, i do it stay sane. I do it because it makes me happy. I do it because i stopped for a year and it was the most miserable year of my life. I dont care that it doesn't 'have value'. Shut up.
#esha rambles#art#what even decides the value of something?#does something that makes you happy not have value if its not making or going to make you money?#i hate this society that places so much value in time=productivity/money#what about happiness?? mental health???#ppl keep discussing declining mental health in society like its some big mystery#like idk have y'all ever thought maybe its the fact that everything we do has to have some kind of profit for it to have value?#i cant sit and think about life enough to find the beauty in it#every time i sit still all i feel is anxiety about life‚ the things happening in this world‚ whether I'll even get a job in the future#and thats not even scratching the surface#im feeling the anxiety crawling up right now as i sit and write this#and you know when i wasnt feeling this anxiety? WHEN I WAS PAINTING SMTH#im not even good at painting‚ i dont know enough about composition and color theory and hell about how the paint works#but GOD it gives me peace#i feel peaceful when im painting flowers#even if they look a bit weird and flawed‚ those are the only flaws in something of mine that i dont mind#i hate that people are alwas trying to take that away from me#i hate that i let them once#the tags are a bit big im sorryyyy#i just had to get it off my chest
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trying to find shit to do and ways to meet people is really fucking hard and i hate that people boil it down to "just join a club!! just volunteer!! no those opportunities aren't only available to me bc i live in/around a major city, you just don't want to help yourself and you're too picky and also you have anxiety, which is funny to me for some reason"
#i googled volunteer groups in my area and theres like. fifteen total. most are for kids or seniors#looked for clubs in my area and wasnt able to find Any results that werent just nightclubs or sports clubs#i am In Hell#levi.txt#i just. need regular irl social interaction so bad#i am not getting nearly enough to manage my anxiety and winter is coming on so its about to get way worse for me#i cannot let it get as bad as its been again. i was in a really dark place earlier this year and i cant go back to that#i just need smth to look forward to once every week or two and a chance to talk to nice people#and ideally id love for that to be other queer people but theres ONE lgbt group in the whole fucking area#and theyre not accepting new volunteers. and they dont run any groups i could join#and i know im coming to this w complicating factors (transportation is a major issue. money also)#but like. there really is literally fucking nothing to do in this godforsaken province is there#i usually kind of assume theres stuff happening and i just dont hear abt it. im not on most social media and im v introverted#but i really dont think there is anymore! i am genuinely finding nothing out here!#delete later
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Kind of fucked up how in CQL Sizhui visited his own family's ancestral graveyard and didn't even realize. Kid deserved so much better.
#/incoherent noises/#mdzs#cql#lsz#lan sizhui#lan yuan#having thinky thoughts about writing the breakdown im sure happened once he connected the dots#im positive even if it wasnt enough by itself to trigger something then it was for sure a last straw kind of thing#btw this isnt flippant or abstract im native#schrodingers mass grave of my ancestors right under my feet is my default state of existence#its not the same but its close enough to empathize
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think i genuinely just did the worst shift at a restaurant ever
#lowkey hilarious how bad it was#i fell over twice . both times while carrying multiple plates which broke. once with food they had to remake#the second time i bust my lip and chipped my tooth#AND . like 20 minutes into the shift i accidentally spilled white wine on an old lady#thank god it was white. she was wearing light blue if it was red i've started crying#AND i burned myself on a skillet because i wasnt paying attention#in fine now but like . what happeneddd#IT WAS A FOUR HOUR SHIFT TOO HOW WAS THERE ENOUGH TIME FOR ALL THAT TO HAPPEN#alas we persist
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Night shift or short attention span for the wip thing?
I’ll choose night shift basically Akihiko has this nightmare based on a real memory where he and Shinji got into a very heated fight that dissolved into like, chaos and angry beatings on Akihiko’s part and his nightmare is a warped version where he just keeps punching Shinji in a blind rage until there’s nothing left of him. He wakes up terrified and unsure of what’s happening and Shinji isn’t there BUT ITS OKAY HES FINE he’s just at work I think sadly unfortunately my man has to work a shitty convenience store job to make some money while trying to figure life out and he’s temporarily working night shifts so that’s why he’s gone and Aki does call him at work in the middle of the night for reassurance and asks if that incident really went down the way he remembers it (it didn’t). It’s kinda dark but has a nice ending at least
#ask#idk if ill ever like. finish and post that one hm#but what triggered this idea was like. the pain of a loved one crying and screaming over you but all you can do is sit there unfeeling#akihiko was mad at how removed shinji has become and how he just doesnt seem to care about anything anymore and its very upsetting#and aki gets really emotional and theyre fighting and hes crying and shaking but shinji isnt fighting back hes just letting it happen#hes just lying there and seeing his friend on top of him sobbing doesnt seem to affect him in any way cuz hes so emotionless#and akihiko just gets more mad at that and thats what causes him to freak out cuz why isnt shinji fighting back anymore#and then you know in the nightmare its warped with guilt and fear and ends with aki being so caught up in his reactions#that he doesnt notice how hes hurt shinji and its too late and hes killed him#cuz id say once everything settles down post canon theres a lot of lingering anxiety about everything#aki fears that he pushed too hard and drove shinji away and didnt notice his pain until it was too late#but when he calls shinji to get the real story it obviously isnt how aki remembers cuz he first off didnt kill shinji#what really happened was akihiko was sobbing and kinda just swinging haphazardly everywhere and landed some hits on shinji but not enough to#really fuck him up and it ends with him giving up and laying on top of shinji crying#shinji kinda awkwardly embraces him cuz what else can he do when he still cant feel anything but hates to see his friend upset#so the actual incident wasnt very pretty or happy but they made it out alive and are working things out now#very bittersweet very angsty shinji is so goddamn emotionally repressed i mean they both are actually#also on a lighter note shinji was just like on the phone with his bf during his shift and aki is like wait are you slacking off#and shinji is like bitch you literally called me??? and who cares id like to see these bitches try and fire me 😤#hes behind the register in a stupid uniform while horrible music plays theres like one customer there#theyre making direct eye contact the entire phone call
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