#it was really fucking awkward lol

[hecksupremechips]

I went on a "date" with a guy a few months ago and I just remember us on my couch watching shrek 2 and him cuddling and getting all intimate with me while I just sat there like 🙃

[driftingballoons]

Day 2: Evolution

it may not evolution in the typical sense, but they can’t dwell on that right now

@heropartnerweek

[masterwords]

"What?" | 3x17 & 5x06 (Hotch the King of Petty strikes again)

[urdreamgirls-dreamgirl]

i made this silly little post and then just did the thing myself :)

“I would say that Steve is… relatively smart. For a human.”

“Hey!” comes an irritated yell from the other room.

Robin turns to face the doorway, turning away from the camera. “Zip it, human! I’m doing my interviews. I have important things to say. People are very interested.” She turns back toward the camera again, a smile plastered to her face. “Now, what was I saying? Oh right, Steve. He’s… passably intelligent. I mean, he’s no Einstein, that’s for sure. That guy could party.” She laughs.

“Okay, and how long has Steve, uh, been with you guys?” Dustin asks from behind the camera.

“Um, maybe a year, I think?”

“I’ve been Eddie’s familiar for ten years,” Steve grumbles as he comes into the room with a cup of tea, which he holds out for Robin to take. He turns to Dustin and the camera. “It’s really just a matter of time before he turns me.” He rocks back on his heels. “He said literally any day now.”

Robin smiles placidly, nodding at him until he leaves the room.

“Between you and me,” she stage whispers to Dustin, “Eddie is never turning him.”

“Could you explain what a familiar is?” Dustin asks.

“Well… usually a familiar takes care of you, you know, does the cleaning, shopping, finds you victims.”

“Victims?” Will, another one of the producers, asks. He looks a little anxiously toward Lucas, the camera guy, who does his best to ignore it.

“Yeah, like. Food. You know.” Robin takes a sip from her teacup, waving her free hand in some vague gesture. “Nancy and I are partial to virgins.”

“Uh, right. Better watch out, Dustin,” Lucas laughs a little nervously, nudging Dustin with his elbow.

Dustin scowls, but before he can respond, Robin says, “Don’t worry. Nancy’s forbidden us from eating any of you.” She smiles again, like that’s supposed to make them feel any better.

~*~

“Okay, Steve, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?” Dustin asks Steve, who’s fidgeting on the couch.

Steve pulls at his collar as he answers. “Uh, sure. I used to be a kindergarten teacher. I actually really loved it? But then I met Eddie at a bar. Thought he was, uh, pulling my leg, you know, about the whole…” Steve rubs his palms on his thighs. “Vampire thing? Is that what we’re calling it?”

“Yeah, being a vampire. Sure,” Dustin responds.

“Right. Thought he was joking. Thought it was a line, you know. So I… this is kind of embarrassing.” Steve scratches at his cheek. “Well, I went home with him, y’know. You’ve seen him.” He laughs a little nervously. “Anyway, I found out that he actually was not lying, much to my… absolute horror really.”

“And… what made you stay?” Will asks.

“I dunno,” Steve shrugs his shoulders, eyes darting to the side of the camera, like he doesn’t really want to answer the question. “It’s an interesting prospect, isn’t it? Living forever? Being immortal?” He shrugs again.

“So,” Dustin starts, drawing out the ‘o’ sound. “Are you guys, like… more than friends?” Lucas visibly cringes at the phrasing.

Steve laughs, bright and surprised. “Uh, no. No. Just, uh. I’m just his familiar.”

“But you’ve been here ten years?“ The way the question comes out of Will’s mouth makes it sound like he hadn’t really meant to ask it. Dustin cuts him a look, scowling again.

“Yeah,” Steve sighs, looking down at his lap. “Yeah, I have.”

~*~

“Tell us about how you became a vampire,” Dustin says.

Eddie, who’s sitting on the couch in front of the camera, scratches at his neck, just under the collar of his shirt. “Hmm. I was turned in the 80s. Can’t really remember most of it. Was at some concert and some guy offered me some coke or something in the back of his van. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in a field feeling like shit. Thought I’d had a bad trip.” Eddie laughs.

“And have you ever turned anyone?” Will asks.

“No,” Eddie tells them, frowning slightly. “Don’t think I’d even know how.”

“But—“ Will starts, but Lucas digs his elbow into his ribs, cutting off his question.

“What about Steve?” Dustin asks instead.

“What about him?”

“He said he’s been with you ten years. That you’ve promised to turn him any day now.”

Eddie smiles, boyish and sweet. “Well. I say a lot of things. And look at him. Who’d give that up?”

Will and Dustin look at each other. “What do you mean?” It’s Lucas who asks this time.

“A pretty little human who does anything I say based on the abstract promise that I might one day make him a vampire?” Eddie grins.

Next to Dustin, Will lets out a long exhale.

[spaciebabie]

shoutout 2 this person in my class who i can tell wants 2 talk 2 me really bad but instead of doing that whenever she has the chance she'll talk 2 whoever else is around and ignore me entirely unless im mentioned by name

[jellyjamheadobb]

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[widevibratobitch]

Since we're both as unwell about him as we are I consider you to be someone who knows a fair amount and what do you genuinely think the real James Fitzjames would feel if he saw the Terror's depiction of him? (As in watching the whole show)

HUH good question. first of all i think he'd be a little discombobulated by the very experience of watching a tv show but personally i choose to believe he'd at least be happy he was made into one of the main characters?? and that so many cool and sexy insane people are obsessed with him now <3

having said that. as much as i love show!fitzjames they did nerf him down A LOT. they robbed him of the joyous whimsy that was such a characteristic trait of the real jokester supreme fitzjames (show!fitzjames also has little to no relationship with his irl lieutenant buddies which. sad.)

we also know now that. most probably. he was actually fully english so i can only imagine he'd be Not Pleased about the cairn scene to say it lightly lmao imagine you and your adoptive family making significant efforts throughout your whole life to disguise the fact of your illegitimate birth and then 150 years later some people make a high rating show where they babygirlify you not only spill your secret to the millions of people watching (or secrets, plural, and make you call yourself a fake as a cherry on top lol) but they also get it wrong and make it Even Worse (from a victorian englishman's perspective) like stop guys he's already dead lmfao

having said that. he would have loved the britannia costume and the your nails are a terror line. i know he would.

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

my birthday was about a month ago and i got 3 presents - one from my parents, one from my sister, and one from my mum's sister (my auntie)

but about a week ago my mum was like you know, you never got a present from your uncle (my mum's brother) and [his wife] did you? i wonder if it got lost in the mail...

and i was like well no i didn't get anything but i wasn't expecting a present from them. or anyone for that matter.

my mum immediately goes okay well i'm going to text [the wife] to ask if they have tracking on your present

and i was like aRE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?? THEY PROBABLY JUST DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING!!! DO NOT DO THAT.

anyway the following day she was like so they found your present in the boot of their car!

aND I WAS LIKE WHY DID YOU ASK WHERE MY PRESENT IS?? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?? ARE YOU SURE THEY GENUINELY GOT ME SOMETHING AND FORGOT TO SEND IT OR DID YOU JUST PRESSURE THEM INTO BUYING SOMETHING FOR ME???

but this thought just would not. compute in her mind. anyway she's going to pick up the present today to bring to me.

i am going to send. a really. really. really. awkward thank you text to my relatives later.

[sluttyten]

My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes

[melrosing]

anyway in an absolutely wild turn of events I think I’m free of my hideous job and like. substantially richer for it??? lmao 2023 you really owed me

[eric-the-disposable-demon]

someone please tell me not to get back together with my ex someone please tell me not to get back together with my ex someone please tell me not to get back together with my ex someone please tell me not to get back together with my ex

[arctic-hands]

The subject came up today and I can't decide so I'm throwing it out there because I don't give a fuck and also having survived all of this kinda makes me sound like a badass

[opens-up-4-nobody]

House MD, my beloved 🖤

[milkstoner]

So I have this au idea and I don't what do you think k buuuttt imagine that everything goes wrong and Silver dies trying saving malleus for the blot like getting consumed by it instead of malleus, the ultimate sacrifice, and mallleus realizes it and in it grive uses one last spell, a time spell.

So he gets back in time but not like the beginning of the year o noo he come in the moment Lilia found Silver and he decided that now he is the one that is going to keep Silver, and takes him to the palace and basically raises him as his future consort and wife. So he is going to be with him forever the only one that it's not going to leave.

..... what do you think jajaja I would lo e to make a fic out of this but sadly my writting skill are 0 to none 🥲

OOHH I’m intrigued. Upon first reading this my first thoughts were, oh oh oh dadson mallesil!!! (Im nasty)

All of Malleus’ moves would be calculated in this scenario since he more or less knows what they lead to. And he has the chance to groom Silver his own way now. So both Silver and Lilia turn out different here. Lilia will think of Silver exclusively as an object, he might even despise him, and Silver won’t inherit the values Lilia taught him in the other timeline. But Silver’s attitude and personality are something unique to him and they shine in every timeline no matter what. It’s part of his very essence, no grooming will change that, and Malleus wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s his kindness, his selflessness, his effortless beauty.

Malleus doesn’t teach him the sword, instead opting for music, dance, literature, but not too much, and sewing. He tells Silver never to approach a weapon… but the boy is predestined to wield one, so when he sees Malleus’ weapons (his favourite is the spear, but he is also skilled with the sword and the bow—he has daggers and halberds, all hidden behind a magic case, because he doesn’t need them much, his bare hands do a great job of crushing human skulls), he is fascinated. He wants to learn how to wield the sword. Malleus hesitates. He refuses. Silver takes it with a disappointed look. If Malleus plays his cards right, Lilia won’t be seduced by Silver, and he won’t teach him the sword… which, well. Malleus is furious and teaches Silver a lesson. But… he softens after and finally allows him to wield the sword, but ONLY if Malleus is the teacher. He is the father, after all. (Sorry.)

Silver is docile and in his mind, all of this is very normal. He has no contact with the outside world. He is the only human he knows besides a doctor who is sometimes brought in from another land to check on him. (The doctor is very worried for him but he can’t do anything. Silver wonders why he always looks so… wistful.)

The rose garden is theirs. It’s their sanctuary away from all gazes. It’s so romantic… when Silver is old enough, like 13-14, this is where they first kiss :,} they get married when Silver is 15.

In this AU I feel like Malleus wouldn’t go to NRC. He already has Silver, all is well. But also… if Silver meets other humans, he might gain some awareness and become unhappy with his predicament. If this ever happens, Malleus will put everybody to sleep again 🚶🏻‍♀️

Sebek gets brought in when he’s around 14 to train for the army. He’s tasked to act as Silver’s retainer, which he HATES. He wants to be Mal’s retainer. He’ll be very uninterested in Silver, mean as well… you may be the prince’s consort, but you remain a human!!! I hope youre grateful to Malleus!!! Silver doesn’t care, which makes him mad lol.

Those are the #thoughts I can come up with… this is a rly good au we love a mastermind malleus

[ilkkawhat]

Heya! Hope you’re doing okay ❤️

well, i didn't cry today (and more importantly didn't cry at work in front of everybody) so I'm taking that as a sign that things are getting better...I hope 😅