#it was my fault'' that i got ulcers

[blunderpuff]

i told my mom that i think i'm getting ulcers again, and her response was "Well, why is it happening? What did you do to make them come back?"

and that is her approach to health and wellness in a nutshell. "If there's something wrong with you, then it was your fault"

[breathinlove]

sticky fingers ellie williams

read this

synopsis: you and your best friend got popsicles on a hot day, but ellie finishes hers first.

cw: swearing, dialogue heavy at first, homoerotic friendship i fear, hinted themes, dirty minded hoes who act oblivious, a whole lotta mouth and tongue but no nothang but slighhhhhttttlyyy nsfw.

a/n: idk what this is it just came to me as i had a popsicle in the morning lmao... i js missed writing.

you're walking home with one of best friends, ellie, after a day at the park. it was a boring and oppressively hot day. you had bought yourselves ice lollies to help survive the sultry weather.

"is it good?" ellie speaks, pointing to your yellow popsicle.

"yeah, ellie, it's good." you say, matter-of-factly.

"i love pineapple." she looks away from you as you come closer to the crossing, both you looking to the sides of the road in sync.

“i know, me too." you reply shortly, not giving her the time of day, rapidly crossing the street. ellie stays silent, but not for too long.

"well..." she mutters when she catches your trail.

"yes?" you know what she wants but you still play dumb. you're not gonna give it to her.

“just a taste—" she starts whining, and you cut her off.

“nope." that's all you say in response.

you turn the stick horizontally as you get to the middle of the ice lolly, you suck on it and she's snorts heavily. she seems to drag her feet along the sidewalk.

“please, it's so hot out here.” ellie insists on the subject.

"it’s not my fault you fucking gobbled yours." you giggle, flicking her forehead.

she lets out a cartoon-like ‘ouch’ and she pushes your arm.

"bruh, it was small." ellie complains before wiping sweat off her nape, where strands of hair stuck onto.

“doooon't caaaare.” you smirk.

you bite the ice off the stick and she looks like she's mourning its loss. ellie loves pineapple artificial flavoring, despite choosing not to eat too much actual pineapple because when you two ate a bunch of pineapple slices together, you ended up with prickled tongues and mouth ulcers. it wasn't fun.

you can read her expression well enough to let out a chuckle, almost choking on the juice that pools inside your mouth. she clicks her tongue at the sound of slurping coming from you, she focuses on the noise of lawn mowers on your neighborhood instead, but they're just as annoying.

"ellie." you mutter with a heavy breath, she can hear what remains on your tongue moving. she hums in response.

you know ellie's annoyed. you were friends, but you were afraid that you had spoiled her. whenever you denied her anything, she'd catch an attitude. and you liked teasing her. you thought she looked cute when she'd look away from you with a serious face over something so small as a popsicle.

“lukami.” you say, he contorts her face in confusion, and you slurp at the juices to clear your words.

“look at me." you repeat, now coherently, grabbing her cheeks.

“yeah? what do you want?" she looks at you, and you take a disgustingly loud and final slurp.

ellie knows the pineapple stick is gone now, and she didn't even get to taste it. she pictured herself tasting it off your lips, or even your tongue. she wondered if she'd able to feel the refreshment if she sucked on your tongue after all the sucking you did on that popsicle.

“guess what?” you smile, she takes a little too long to answer and you wonder what goes through her mind.

but well, she's nasty, isn't she? she wanted it, no matter if it meant licking around one of her best friend's mouth. she's upset, but she knows it's silly.

“what?” she shrugs.

"i have popsicles at home.” you say excitedly and you look giddy, your sugary fingers still on her face.

“whatever," she looked away, forcing away from your hold. "get those sticky fingers away from me."

"that's a great album, by the way." you ignore her demand, chuckling.

you mess with her cheeks, smearing her with the syrup on your hand. you left a spot on her lips, she licked it. finally, she knows what it tasted like and she yearns for more.

“you're so messy, ya know?" she smiles wide.

you look at your hand as she grabs and holds it where it was, against her lips. you stop on your tracks completely, feeling her tongue stick out of her lips and coming in contact with the pad of your fingers, it tickles. you giggle.

she hums at the sweetness of it and looks up at you from your fingers, what a kid!

"ellie, please, what's wrong with you?" you laugh, and she does too. sugar puts her in a good mood.

“should've just let me taste it.” she speaks.

you would've thought she was done but ellie takes your index finger inside her mouth for shits and giggles, her warm as the day tongue massaging your finger as she sucks on it.

“you're so stupid.” you say, using minimal to no strength to push her face with the hand she entrapped. she smiles around your finger.

you feel the desire to slide your finger further into her mouth to wipe that shit-eating grin of her face. you imagined how ellie would look when she gagged on it, the shock in her eyes would be amusing, you assume. these thoughts run around your mind.

you think she might have an oral fixation by the looks of it,you look around, making sure no one was watching this seemingly obscenity.

"god, ellie.." you sigh in defeat when she flutters her eyes shut. you watch, mind running around her soft features and braking on her pursed lips, tainted red from her late watermelon popsicle.

then she releases your finger, after god knows how long (now that your fingerprint is practically part of her tongue’s muscle memory). you snap back to reality, freshly cut grass smell hitting your nose and unbearable sun hitting your skin.

ellie looks proud of herself.

"it really was good. what flavors you got at home?" she asks and starts walking again. you clean your now spit dirty fingers on your shirt and walk with her, enumerating the flavors of popsicles your dad had bought and stacked in the freezer.

[explosionshark]

2024 AOTY

by me! your pal, bri-bri

originally i was going to just write up the first ten albums or so, but then i had things i wanted to say about the rest of 'em so i just kept going. that made the list really long though. so here's just the numbered list, under the cut you'll find my extended thoughts n feelings :)

What I'll Leave Behind by Void of Vision

For Your Consideration by Empress Of

Sanshi by Ripped to Shreds

Coup de Grace by Seeyouspacecowboy

Aumicide by Atrae Bilis

Children of the Moon by State Faults

Ridiculous and Full of Blood by Julie Christmas

Absolute Elsewhere by Blood Incantation

Lonely People [EP] by Love Rarely

Cutting the Throat of God by Ulcerate

Infinite Mortality by Replicant

I Got Heaven by Mannequin Pussy

Valerie by Tei Shi

Forever by Charly Bliss

You Could Do It Tonight by Couch Slut

World Fighter by Angel Sword

Hicimos Crecer un Bosque by Fin del Mundo

Ephemera [EP] by Ben Quad

Stygian Rose by Crypt Sermon

Infinite Void by With Sails Ahead

Vault of Horrors by Aborted

Revelations by Sarah Shook & the Disarmers

Steps Ascending by Stand Still

The Tower by Urban Heat

AOTY 2024

Full list here: write-ups for specific albums under th cut. Ranked somewhat arbitrarily.

1. What I'll Leave Behind by Void of Vision (metalcore) - absolute bummer that this will be the final album by these guys, but I'm grateful for the fact that I was able to see them a few times before they had to call it quits. Been describing this as like a song missing from the Saw 2 soundtrack or something that should have been playing at one of the clubs in Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines or something. I feel like that's accurate - alt metalcore with its nails painted black and a profound love of Nine Inch Nails. Strong lyricism drawn from real trauma, enough fun electronics to make them stand out from more generic metalcore acts, plenty of hooks and some sick breakdowns as well to keep things heavy. I hope Jack Bergin's brain never explodes again and retiring from touring helps him lead a long and healthier life. "Gamma Knife" is the highlight for me

2. For Your Consideration by Empress Of (Pop) - my favorite pop album of the year. Lorely Rodriguez is so insanely talented, this album has a pretty diverse range of sounds without becoming too inconsistent. I love that there's raunchy club bangers like "Femenine" right next to sappy love songs like "Kiss Me" and more introspective tracks like "What Type of Girl Am I?"

3. Sanshi by Ripped to Shreds (Death Metal) - very good year for death metal but I think this is my favorite DM record of the year. I've always enjoyed Andy Lee's projects and Ripped to Shreds has been my favorite of them for years but expanding to a full band has taken them to a whole nother level. Killer riffage throughout, insanely fun lead swapping between Lee and Michael Chavez. "Horrendous Corpse Resurrection" is easily one of my top songs of the year

4. Coup de Grace by Seeyouspacecowboy (Metalcore) - this was a big big SYSC year for me, in large part bc I ended up seeing them live so many times. Honestly initially I struggled with Coup de Grace because it leans harder into the dramatic, theatrical MCR/P!ATD style of emo than any of their other work, and that's not necessarily to my taste. This still makes the top 5 despite regularly skipping several songs on each listen because the rest of it is so damn good. Could not stop listening to it this fall. Safe to say it grew on me. "Chewing the Scenery" and "Subtle Whispers to Take Your Breath Away" were two of my most played tracks for the whole year

5. Aumicide by Atrae Bilis (Death Metal) - one of the most underrated death metal bands active rn imo. No sophomore slump for these guys, this record absolutely smokes from start to finish. It's heavy and it's nasty, but it still grooves. There's enough melody to make it addictive but they're still able to maintain the harshness that makes dissonant death metal compelling. "Hell Simulation" and the closing track "Excruciate Incarnate" are perfect examples of the balance they strike between those two modes

6. Children of the Moon by State Faults (post-hardcore) - 2024 was the year I discovered State Faults. Very much the experience of finding a band that is so much Your Shit that it feels insane that you're almost a decade late to the party. Children of the Moon is the best post-hardcore album of the year imo and it's not even close. These guys draw from an incredible range of influences to create some of the most affecting work in the genre - brutal and beautiful and profound. "Palo Santo" and "No Gospel" absolutely blow me away every time

7. Ridiculous and Full of Blood by Julie Christmas (post-metal? Noise? Julie Christmascore) - anyone already familiar with Julie Christmas' work does not need me to explain why she's such a powerhouse and anyone not familiar will be done a disservice by anything short of listening to her music for themself. All I can truly say about Ridiculous and Full of Blood is that it's one of the most dynamic, interesting albums of the year and I just hope to God she doesn't make us wait another 14 years for her next solo record. The band she assembled for this album is insane across the board, but in particular it was a delight to see her collaborating with Johannes Persson again eight years after the absolutely masterful collaboration with Cult of Luna. If you listen to only one song out of all the stuff I'm recommending today, let it be "The Lighthouse"

8. Absolute Elsewhere by Blood Incantation (progressive death metal) - everyone won't shut up about this album but in this case the praise is absolutely earned. Cosmic, atmospheric, brutal, spacey, heavy as hell. With a Tangerine Dream collaboration no less! Essentially comprised of two long songs, Absolute Elsewhere is a record you need to make time for, meant to be listened to in full to get the most out of it, but it's so, so worth it to take the time. A stunning, transportive piece

9. Lonely People [EP] by Love Rarely (post-hardcore/math rock) - my favorite EP of the year. A very exciting band, they fuse hooky, math rock riffs with post-hardcore intensity. Courtney Levitt's vocals are incredible - a combination of throat shredding shrieks and powerful, emotional clean singing that makes you instantly sit up and pay more attention. "Say Yes" was on repeat for me all year

10. Cutting the Throat of God by Ulcerate (death metal) - an absolutely crushing, depressive, beautiful piece of dissonant death metal. Undeniably heavy, but on this outing we see Ulcerate lean into some post-rock esque melodicism that elevates their sound even further. It's such an atmospheric album - grim and unrelenting, but strangely delicate in places. Top notch musicianship throughout, but Jaime Saint-Merat's drumming is just mind-blowing. The title track is a must-listen song for anyone who gives a shit about heavy music at all

11. Infinite Mortality by Replicant (Death Metal) - I noticed in my write-ups for the other two dissonant death metal albums on this list, I took a moment to highlight and praise the melodicism therein. That won't be happening for Infinite Mortality. That's not to say there's zero melody at all but to emphasize how much that's not the draw here. This album is an altogether darker, nastier, more menacing affair. There's a grime here, a dizzying, sinister undertone of violence. My first time listening to this record was as background music while I was reading Crypt of the Moon Spider by Nathan Ballingrud and there was a scene in that book I was reading during "Orgasm of Bereavement" where the combination of the sounds I was hearing and the words I was reading gave me a full-body sensory experience: goosebumps, a faint sense of nausea, slight dizziness. I can't think of a stronger album recommendation than that.

12. I Got Heaven by Mannequin Pussy (Rock) - ANOTHER BANGER FROM MISSY DABICE AND CO. Mannequin Pussy keep getting better and better and it seems like they're finally (deservedly) starting to blow up with this record. It's a joy to listen to - snarky, vulnerable, earnest, clever, joyful and pissed off in turns. "Loud Bark" is already iconic, easily one of the finest songs they've written in an already stacked career of certifiable bangers

13. Valerie by Tei Shi (pop) - my second favorite pop album of the year! Tei Shi's first independent release. The breadth of songs on this album is incredible - bachata inflected pop kicks the album off with the explosively catchy "QQ (QUÉDATE QUERIENDOME)" and by the middle of the record we've somehow transitioned to intimate, heart wrenchingly vulnerable meditations on a painful miscarriage with "Falling From Grace." Frustration with the major label rat race as well as evergreen pop subjects of love and heartbreak fill out the rest of the album, but no matter the topic or the style of the song, everything feels honest and confident. The Spanglish version of "Mona Lisa" is one of my favorite pop songs of the year

14. Forever by Charly Bliss (Rock/Power Pop) - talking about honest, vulnerable music! Charly Bliss made their comeback this year and it's unsurprisingly one of the best albums to come out in 2024. Forever feels like a great marriage of the sounds on their other two LPs, Guppy and Young Enough. The band is still leaning into the pop sound that clearly enthralls them but there's a welcome return for fun guitar riffs too. Also there's no album on this list that has a stronger opening than the three song run of "Tragic" to "Calling You Out" to "Back There Now"

15. You Could Do It Tonight by Couch Slut (Sludge Metal/Noise) - okay enough pop music time for something gross and gnarly and almost guaranteed to give you some kind of disease. Couch Slut have always been here to upset you - and holy shit are they good at it on this album. Each and every song on this record is a provocative, stomach-churning vignette in its own right but none moreso than "The Donkey" where Megan Osztrosits recounts a horrifyingly fucked up story of a friend's drug-fueled bout of self mutilation in Chat Pile-esque spoken word over massive, dirty sludge metal riffs. It's fucking sick. "Here's what happened when my friends and I got fired from a haunted water park" - tell me you don't want to hear how the rest of this story goes, even knowing it will end in a grotesque, bloody mess.

16. World Fighter by Angel Sword (Heavy Metal) - okay enough edgelord shit now we're back to having fun. I honestly didn't think there would be a trad metal release that would top Razor Wire by Mean Mistreater, and then I stumbled into Angel Sword this summer. It's just candy, man. Extremely catchy 80s style riffs, incredible hooks, gritty yet charming vocals. This album is dripping in neon, racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour with two topless babes in the backseat telling you how cool your studded denim jacket and fresh perm look. "Vigilantes" never gets old for me

17. Hicimos Crecer un Bosque by Fin del Mundo (shoegaze) - kinda wild that this is the only shoegaze album that made it onto my list this year but it is what it is! And what it is in this case is the killer second album by Argentinian band Fin del Mundo. If you like fuzzy guitars and ethereal vocals, this is the record on this list for you. Although labeling them a shoegaze band is accurate, it fails to account for the ways post-rock, emo, and dream pop elevate the bands sound to another level. It's a record that's soothing and engaging at the same time, well produced, clear sounding without being too polished. "Vivimos lejos" brings a charming kind of ASIWYFA-style combination of gang vocals and emo instrumentals, resulting in basically four and half perfect minutes of music

18. Ephemera [EP] by Ben Quad (post-hardcore) - many bands are doing the throwback 00s emo/metalcore thing right now, but few of them are doing it as well as Ben Quad on this EP. This is basically They're Only Chasing Safety-worship but that's fine by me. Frantic, melodic, scathing and nakedly emotional, I love the intensity of this EP. I'd kill for a full record in this style tbh, but for now I'll be happy with what we've got. It's an incredibly short 11 minute runtime so I'd really recommend just listening to the whole thing but if nothing else, don't skip "Your Face as an Effigy"

19. Stygian Rose by Crypt Sermon (Epic Heavy Metal) - epic heavy metal, I'm sure, sounds like the stupidest genre name in the world. But like, listen to Stygian Rose and you'll immediately understand there's nothing else that describes it as well. Big, heavy doomy guitars, fast drumming, crazy soloing, nimble bass riffage, powerful heavy metal vocals and lyrics about like wizards and evil kings and stuff? Lie to yourself if you want, but I know the truth. This album fucks hard. "Heavy is the Crown of Bone" and "Glimmers in the Underworld" are crushing, face-melting works of fantasy bullshit. I can't get enough of this album

20. Infinite Void by With Sails Ahead (Post-hardcore) - I discovered these guys through a collaboration with Pulses. last year and I spent most of the intervening time eagerly anticipating the release of their debut LP Infinite Void. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint. It's an incredibly confident and fun first record - firmly on the Swancore side of PHC but lacking a lot of what tends to annoy me in that subgenre (insufferable songs about the male ego). Sierra Binondo's powerful and diverse vocal range really takes these guys to another level in a genre where extremely talented musicians are a dime a dozen. Go listen to "Ryn" right now and tell me you're not at least a little bit in love now

21. Vault of Horrors by Aborted (Brutal Death Metal) - it's Aborted! It's a cheeseburger. But it's a really, really, really good cheeseburger after you've been craving one for ages. This record has two gimmicks - all the songs are based on horror movies and each has a feature from a guest vocalist. Admittedly, I find brutal/tech death to be kind of wearying after a while and this tends to affect listenability for me, which is precisely why this album has a place on my AOTY list - I don't get tired of it. It's brutal and punishing but catchy and fun to listen to. Daníel Konráðsso absolutely does not sound like a human being on this. I bet his calf muscles are insane, because the double bass on this record is frankly disgusting. "The Golgothan" has my favorite riff of the record, but there's no bad tracks, honestly

22. Revelations by Sarah Shook & the Disarmers (Alt Country) - haven't really figured out a way to talk about this band that doesn't feel at least a little bit like deadnaming singer/guitarist River Shook but they've yet to change their band name so! Admittedly, not a very country heavy year for me, but if everything I've dabbled in, Revelations is the easy standout. Continuing the band's legacy of clever, honest lyricism and rollicking country rock musicianship, Revelations feels like the best version of their sound yet. "Motherfucker" is a straightforward, righteously pissed off ode to gross, predatory men in the industry, "Backsliders" is a good old fashioned broken-hearted ode to a bad relationship, while "Jane Doe" is the easy standout shot through with emotion, clever lyricism and brilliant guitar work

23. Steps Ascending by Stand Still (Pop Punk/Melodic Hardcore) - I was a teen in the 00s so I'll always be weak to that very Long Island melodic hardcore in 2004 sound that this album is evoking so perfectly. I love fast drums, I love posi philosophical lyrics, I love those melodic, angular guitar riffs, I love a guy shouting and I love gang vocals. Those things in combination just always work on me. "We Know the Score" + "Mysticism" are the perfect 'holler along at the top of your lungs in the car' combo

24. The Tower by Urban Heat (Post-Punk) - one of my most anticipated albums of the year. When they started the album rollout with singles like "Sanitizer" and "Right Time of Night" I had a pretty good idea that the final product would have a good shot at being one of my favorite records of the year. And of course I was right. Most Post-Punk isn't quite capable of keeping my attention, but Urban Heat are so damn good at songcraft. The songs on this record are incredibly dynamic, ranging from the snotty disdain of the aforementioned "Sanitizer" to the surprising tenderness of the New Wave ballad "Seven Safe Places." It's an incredibly strong showing from a really exciting band. I've heard they're killer live, too. Maybe if I'm lucky this coming year I'll get a chance to find out for myself.

And that's it! 24 for 24

Except for these also >:)

Honorable Mentions (aka albums it killed me to leave off this list so I'm cheating by adding them here)

Club Shy [EP] by Shygirl

Prude by Drug Church

It's Inside You by Candy

Sunrise Over Rigor Mortis by Beaten to Death

Verses in Oath by Hulder

Beating the Drums of Ancestral Force by Tzompantli

Agony & Wounds by Obscene

Cure by ERRA

Songs of Blood and Mire by Spectral Wound

The Cycles of Trying to Cope by Like Moths to Flames

Razor Wire by Mean Mistreater

I'll Drown on This Earth by Cold Gawd

Heaven Let them Die [EP] by Counterparts

Dark Superstition by Gatecreeper

[jewish-vents]

Being ethnically Jewish, adopted by goyim, and only connecting to my heritage and my culture as an adult was hard enough considering I became an adult in 2016. Since then my dad has become a full-blown conspiracy theorist, Trump supporter, and rabid Islamophobe. He's gotten involved in this weird offshoot of Evangelicals who think nothing bad can happen to "the Jews" (he NEVER calls us Jewish people, or people at all) so according to him there is no rise in antisemitism. Things have been like this forever. There is no rise in hate crimes or hate speech. The CIA, FBI, NSA, NAACP, and Jews are all lying or mistaken because his conspiracy buddies say so.

I get called slurs and babykiller and pedophile every day when I go to work on campus. (Apparently goyim think we lick babies' private parts? Their kinks baffle me.) My coworkers make pointed remarks or talk about hoping Hamas wins and look at me just daring me to get offended or fight them or report them to the department head, who they and I both know would side with them. I am taking care of my disabled father and my newfound stray-who-chose-me dog, I have been repairing the attic and spare room because my sister and her daughter have to move in at the end of the month due to their rent being hiked up suddenly, and I am recovering from having a bleeding ulcer back in December, during which I lost over half the blood in my body.

And added onto all of this work, I can't even come home to peace and quiet. I come home to more and more conspiracy garbage. My adoptive dad was always emotionally abusive and has untreated Bipolar Disorder. He's never been kind to me. But now he's dehumanizing me, saying things like "the Jews and people" as if those are separate categories, rambling about "the mystery of the Jews" which appears to be how we survived if people actually hated us (which is apparently in question), and constantly, consistently, repeatedly talking about the Holocaust. I got up to get peanut butter for breakfast because I'm so busy that breakfast is two spoons of peanut butter and I couldn't even get that this morning without being told actually, it's Jewish people's fault for dying during the Holocaust because they knew it was coming and could've gotten out.

I'm a bad person.

I snapped. I just started screaming. Not words, not even syllables, just full-body, loud, long screams to drown out everything he said. I screamed until my voice gave out and then I clamped my hands over my ears, shut my eyes and waited until I had enough breath to bolt for my room, throw on non-pajama clothes, and went to work. I can't take it. I can't take this. I can't deal with this. I didn't apologize and I'm not going to because if I do I might have to hear more of it and it's too much. When I was a kid he used to get angry and refuse to talk to me for days, sometimes weeks. I am actively begging Hashem to let that happen because I just can't take this anymore.

I'm 24. I'm not even 30 yet and I feel ancient. Childhood feels like a half-remembered dream. I don't remember what it was like to feel safe anymore. I had a fine day at work because I've started... I don't think it's exactly dissociating? I imagine myself as a main character in a video game narrating the contents of a visual novel. 'Angry Coworker #2 is overly dramatic. You wonder how much of it is performance,' I narrate to myself in the second person, eating lunch, 'and how much, if any, of her emotion is genuine. She is giving a 2012 early YouTube caliber performance. Your smile should look appropriately strained so she thinks her attempt has succeeded, lest she escalate to full-on theatrics.'

This cannot be healthy. But the last therapist I had just taught me to feel guilty for thinking about the part or things I can't control because that means I have only myself to blame for feeling bad. The therapist before that I caught zoning out on me mid-session and totally not paying attention. The one before that kept telling me that the things that stress me out don't actually effect me and I was self-victimizing because the rest of the world doesn't "have" to effect me.

I am coming apart at the seams. I am consistently narrating my own life in the second person and not eating dinner because then I'd have to encounter my father and working on something because if I work I don't have to think. I don't know how long I can keep going like this. If I ever scream at work like I did at home, I'd be fired, and pretty rightfully so.

I'm so tired. I can't deal with everything. I can't kill myself because there's too much work to do, too many people depending on me. I can't keep patiently gritting my teeth and listening to another hot take on "the Jews" every morning. I just want to sleep. I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. I can't do this anymore. I also have to.

.

[byjove]

Tommy is simply an animal to most, just a cat. For me she has been my will to live for nearly 6 years. When I got her around late May/early June of 2017, I had just gotten out of the psych ward for suicidal thoughts. Here was this extremely sick feeble little kitten fighting so hard to survive, who depended on me for everything, who gave me purpose, who had the will to live that I did not. She overcame. I did too. She was with me for my last 2 years of high school, for my ulcerative colitis diagnosis, for graduation, for moving into my dad’s house, for going to community college, for my parents divorce, for being kicked out of my family home, for dropping out of community college, for moving out on my own at the age of 19, for the time I’ve been practically housebound and bedridden. She’s my best friend and at times it feels like she’s my only friend. She really is an emotional support animal. She’s my soulmate pet. The thought of losing her now when my life is so dark is so crushing. I’m praying for her. I’m scared it’s my fault for not noticing the signs earlier but she got sick so suddenly. The doctors said the diabetes could be caused by the prednisone she was on or something worse like pancreatic cancer. She might not pull through. There’s nothing I can do but wait. I’m so tired and I don’t feel well myself. I wish I could cry but I don’t have the energy.

[track2hack]

02.08.2024

Ahhhhh miss Molly Moo-girl why do you hurt my heart so?? 😩🫣

She’s been absolutely amazing out hacking (genuinely couldn’t fault her if I tried!) but lacking any zest for life at all in the arena and during flatwork -bucking, total reluctance to go forward, crow hopping, head tilting, all the good things- and suddenly decided she’s going to be a sensitive wee princess about other horses being in her bubble and kicking out! 🙃🥲

Going on a bear hunt to find the cause of it and see if we can fix up my Moo-cow if it’s pain related or just being arena sour and grouchy about being unfit and out of work 🤞

Got her on a moody mare supp, ulcer fix, booking a massage from Joy, and we’ll give it a month and see how we go from there before deciding what next 🤷‍♀️🤔

(I think thoroughbreds just really don’t like me with this track record!! 🤦‍♀️)

[heartoftheancientsea]

I was just diagnosed with Crohn’s disease yesterday 😕 This is kind of a shock to me and kind of not… I literally never get stomach aches, but I had an abscess a few months ago which was the main reason I even figured this all out and got a colonoscopy. There are soo many ulcers in my colon it’s ridiculous. I don’t even know what to do now.. Like, is it my fault that I got this because of my diet? Does diet even have anything to do with it? It’s an autoimmune disease so I probably have had it forever and didn’t even know. And now I may have to go on some serious medication, where they infuse you at the hospital every two months, for the rest of your life, and it takes a huge toll on your immune system. I’m just so scared ☹️ And I’ll probably have to keep getting multiple colonoscopies, which are extremely unpleasant and being put to sleep freaks me out. It doesn’t help that I’ve developed health anxiety either. 😭😖😭😖

[deconstructivesurgery]

this is stupid and normally i don't believe much that posting about your personal life could be useful to other people but fuck it, i want to talk about what happened to me this year as i both somehow started feeling the celiac i've probably had for years and was diagnosed with it. two important lists! don't use this to diagnose yourself, i'm not an armchair doc, but this was my experience with this funny disease.

THINGS I THOUGHT CELIAC DISEASE WAS AS I GOT PROGRESSIVELY WORSE AND SICKER OVER TIME:

lingering stomach issues/ a sensitive stomach combined with a caffeine/lactose intolerance that i took an excess amount of pepto-bismol for. i ate fucking cream of wheat a lot because i thought it was a "simple food" that would calm my stomach. how was i to know?

a bad hangover, because after one specific day drinking out with friends it just seemed to get worse and so much worse. (i had had pizza that day and even alcohol with gluten in it, i know now). this spiralled, as i continued to get worse and worse. i feared liver failure, kidney damage, thought somehow i'd managed to drink enough to permanently harm myself despite being very careful about my alcohol intake due to family history.

see previous. kidney damage/failure. liver damage/failure. SIBO (small intestine bacterial overload) or other such small intestine/large intestine issues. ulcers. i feared every single stomach/small intestine/large intestine condition with vaguely overlapping symptoms that seemed accurate to what i was experiencing. it was at this point that i wound up in the ER for the first of several times.

a viral stomach infection, because that's what the people at the ER told me it was the first time i went before sending me home :) nevermind the fact i told them i'd been sick for a long time. long enough that even if it had been a viral illness, something would have been Really Wrong.

endometriosis/ovarian cysts/ some kind of uterus/hormonal-related misery that had somehow gotten bad enough to affect other parts of my body. irrational thought? probably, but i was panicking. people want answers when they're panicking and feel like they're getting weaker and sicker by the week with no end in sight.

dehydration alone. no other issue here, you just don't drink enough water. you're also strangely losing weight and suffering some kind of malnutrition? maybe you need to eat better. this was after going to the ER a second time, and being dismissed as dehydrated because i didn't drink enough water. i was confused. i drank water- enough of it that i should have been fine. i had never let it go to the point of suffering ill effects, but i didn't want to question anyone- you say it's my fault and don't question whether or not my gut is even fucking absorbing the food, electrolytes, and water i'm giving it? sure thing boss. my bad.

at some point i genuinely just assumed i was dying of something, not even going to lie. call me dramatic if you will but people do not take being incredibly sick constantly for eight months nonstop with grace. i was paranoid i had some kind of cancer no one was recognizing, or permanent intestinal damage of some kind.

THINGS I EXPERIENCED WITH CELIAC WHILE UNWELL:

Gas, bloating, a constant strange sense of discomfort in my guts, etc- a lot of gastrointestinal symptoms you'd equate with having some kind of stomach flu or stomach ulcers.

Bad acid reflux.

Constant nausea to some degree. Sometimes bad enough that it left me retching for half an hour, sometimes just a vague queasiness that drove me insane. I never threw up once over the span of this eight months, but I gagged and retched and felt like I was Going To constantly over this span of time. This was the worst to me personally, despite the pain and discomfort of everything else. I am still prone to anxiety attacks whenever I feel myself possibly getting even slightly nauseous now. Funnily, thought, I am not afraid of the concept of throwing up.

Bad stomach cramping, internal pains.

Awful fatigue. Like, BAD fatigue. Keep in mind, I already live with arthritis and mental illness, so I'm used to managing fatigue- but up until I started feeling Celiac symptoms, I had it firmly under control with medicine. I could barely feel awake at any time of day, I would sleep for 18-20 hours straight at times, all too often I couldn't even muster up the energy to move when I wanted to. I'd just lie there and feel like I was about to shut down and fall asleep again.

Brain fog, exacerbations of all the other symptoms of my other conditions. etc. Any mental health condition I had that I had previously had under control? Nope. You are the pinnacle of misery now.

Perpetual dehydration and malnutrition despite my best attempts at vitamins/hydration/electrolyte consumption and so on and so forth. None of that can do much for you when your body isn't absorbing anything. I also dropped weight like a stone.

No appetite whatsoever, of course.

When it got really bad, the insomnia I already had became so much worse. I suddenly couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried, sometimes even with the application of my insomnia medication. I would be stuck awake until I physically could no longer handle that, and then I'd be out again for up to 18-19 hours or more.

[k7l4d4]

K Reviews and Rants: Miraculous Ladybug Season 5! Episode 7

Hello one and all who have decided to give my rantings a chance, listening to me vent my repressed anger issues at a guilt free target!

Looking back, now that I've reviewed the whole series, this episode was when it became clear that the writers' were gonna pull some shit with Felix. Like, even ignoring how they have Marinette constantly moaning and groaning over the Miraculouses being "lost" (Not stolen, which is actually what happened), the repeated insistence that it only happened because of her feelings for Adrien were a red flag that, despite Monarch getting all the Miraculouses being entirely Felix's fault, the show wasn't going to hold him accountable for his actions. Because if they were going to admit he did a bad thing as well as the scope, they'd have to admit what he had actually DONE.

Now, onto the review proper. As always, please forgive me if my profanity offends you.

Episode 7: Passion 

Okay, we already got the "you were in love with Adrien, why are into Chat Noir?" crap from Alya... you know, it really, REALLY freaking PISSES ME OFF that they try and frame "being in love" as some kind of fucking CHOICE. Or that it's a "either/or" situation. IT FUCKING ISN'T!! A person can love, be in love with, or just plain crush on multiple people at the same time!! Emotions aren't some neat little box that can be checked, they are a complex aspect of what it means to be human, and the way this show trivializes emotional growth and personal feelings ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THIS FUCKING DISASTER OF A SHIP really, REALLY upsets me. 

And now we get Marinette ONCE AGAIN acting as if it was because of her fucking FEELINGS that Hawkmoth got a bunch of the Miraculous... while her out of control emotions regarding Adrien ARE A HUGE PROBLEM, they are not the reason he got the Miraculouses. Oh, and she just gave a bunch of shallow reasons why "loving Chat Noir is the better option." And can I just take a minute to say how disgusting that line of reasoning is? The idea of love, of an emotional bond between people, being some kind of commodity someone can give up, trade, or swap around without issue?!? Thomas... YOU ARE MAKING MARINETTE SOUND LIKE SOME KIND OF PSYCHO HERE!!! 

(And I'm still not even two minutes in!) 

I am going to be having to suppress SO MUCH of this season, I just know it. 

Honestly, what makes Marinette's ramblings SO MUCH WORSE right now, is that she comes off as a shallow fangirl gushing over how she and her idol are "meant to be together."

I mean, her crush on Adrien always had an undertone of that, but now it just feels so much worse. 

And now we get the "aren't you just running away from your REAL feelings?" Moment. Again, the idea that you can't have more than one crush at a time, or that one crush being unattainable for one reason or another somehow INVALIDATES it is disgusting on so many levels to me. 

Ughh... yeah, the way they are trying to make this a matter of "Marinette is running from how she feels" just gives me an ulcer. I'm gonna have to ignore it going forward, or I'm gonna get sick. Oh, and THEN we get a scene of Adrien waking up saying Marinette's name... I don't get the intent here, but that just creeps me out. 

Yeah... having Adrien just say Marinette's name to himself over and over again is really creeping me out. But Plagg's response of trying to make him pursue Ladybug again isn't much better. FUCK THE RELATIONSHIP DRAMA, JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!! 

Honestly, Adrien having FINALLY accepted that Ladybug isn't in love with him and is trying to genuinely move on, as well as his stating that "the only way to find out is to ask her" behavior would be really, really nice... if it weren't undercut by just how LITTLE effort the show has put into having him be a good partner (romantically speaking). 

And now we get Nathalie charging after Adrien in concern... this would be more believable if she hadn't spent the last three seasons simping after Gabriel and apparently having never said a word in protest of his endangering Adrien in the throwaway timelines, as well as her complete disregard for his feelings in S1. It's very much a "too little too late" vibe. 

...Okay, why the hell do we get a scene of Adrien being mopey over fucking BANANAS on his pancakes, and Nathalie treating it like it's something to scold Gabriel over!? Like, why is this that big of a deal!? Heck, he actually ASKED him if he wanted them on his pancakes, and Adrien AGREED!! Then again, Gabriel is a gaslighting jackass, so... I just do not know how to read this scene. 

And a back-and-forth involving Nathalie trying to pressure Adrien not to "force himself to please his father." I just... woman, YOU HAVE BEEN ENABLING THIS JACKASS!! YOU HAVE LIED TO, STOLE FROM, AND DECEIVED ADRIEN SINCE SEASON FUCKING ONE!! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU HAVE A FUCKING CONSCIENCE NOW!?

Okay, Gabriel trying to act like everything's fine, and Nathalie being super confrontational is just... I do not get it. This is annoying. I just cannot buy this. 

Also, this whole "reveal" of Nathalie having been a magical artifact hunter and having been Gabe's bodyguard... when the fuck did they set this up? When was this hinted at?? Point to me ANYWHERE in the series where Nathalie has EVER acted like she was anything more than a fucking OVERLY LOYAL SECRETARY!? And the worst fucking part of this nonsense is that she could just end this all at any fucking time, because SHE KNOWS HE IS HAWKMOTH, and this one scene established that if she honestly wanted to, she could disarm him of the Miraculouses without any problems at all. And if she still wanted to get the Miraculouses from Ladybug and Chat Noir, she could just DO IT HERSELF!! 

Nathalie... do not go and claim that he was only doing this out of love for Emilie. You don't get to say that, not when you sat back and let him attempt to DROWN THE FUCKING CITY, among many other excessive attempts to get the Miraculouses, for seasons now. Shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear this shit. 

Okay, Nathalie... you just admitted you saw a recording left behind by Emilie. Stating that she wanted everyone to move on. Yet you knowingly helped Gabriel, despite knowing all about this, the entire fucking time. DO YOU NOT SEE HOW FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL IT IS OF YOU TO TELL HIM TO MOVE ON!? Does THOMAS not see how hypocritical this shit is!? He probably doesn't, who the hell am I kidding. 

And now we get a scene of classic "manipulative jackass" Gabriel. At least he's fucking honest about this being a case of sunk-cost fallacy, but DAMN IT, this is literally all his own fucking fault!! 

I'll give a single point to Adrien for acknowledging that proposing to Marinette would be too much. But I am weirded out on why the show is dodging the topic of Adrien thinking that Nathalie and Gabriel are getting together. 

Okay, apparently Gabriel has been obsessing over the Ladybug and Black Cat since before Emilie even DIED. What the hell!? And also Emilie asking Nathalie to stop him. DOUBLE what the hell!? Dear fucking GOD is this obnoxious how hard they are trying to make her sympathetic. 

DO NOT GIVE ME FUCKING TEARS ABOUT NATHALIE "BEING LIKE A MOTHER" TO ADRIEN!!! I AM NOT BUYING THAT SHIT!! THIS IS THE WOMAN WHO COULD NOT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT LYING TO HIM ABOUT HIS DAD PAWNING OFF BUYING HIM A FUCKING BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO HIM AND STEALING MARINETTE'S GIFT TO HIM IN SEASON FUCKING ONE!!!

Nathalie... vowing to GET THE MIRACULOUSES BEFORE HIM DOES NOT FOLLOW EMILIE'S WISHES!! God fucking DAMMIT is this stupid. How many mental hoops is she jumping through in that gymnastics course she calls a brain!? 

Okay, WHY is Adrien coming to Nathalie at all?? I don't get it. 

And now we get a scene of Gabriel, ONCE AGAIN, talking to his wife's cryogenic coffin. Like, this is utter stupidity. Them making it that Emilie explicitly made it a case of asking that Nathalie and Gabriel don't try and bring her back, and then acting as if Nathalie hasn't been ENTIRELY COMPLICIT with Gabriel's nonsense since the beginning... this utterly pisses me off. 

Gabriel literally just got physically and violently THREATENED by Nathalie, yet buys her claiming that she's gonna try and bring him the Miraculous once and for all without any hesitation. Granted, he did try and emotionally blackmail her, but this scene makes him look both stupid and like a scumbag. 

Okay, got caught up to where I was last time... and dear god does how much this episode tries and brute force the audience into sympathizing with Nathalie piss me off. She was a willing accomplice who knowingly enabled Gabriel's abusive behavior and disrespected her alleged "friend's" wishes, and them trying to act otherwise in this episode INFURIATES ME. 

And now we get Adrien going "you're very special Marinette." Ugh... to me, this is a borderline case of damning with faint praise since, even when he's saying how Marinette "always has the right words," it just makes me think "WHAT WORDS!?" Marinette barely ever can even TALK TO THE GUY, and the few times she does, she's not saying anything groundbreaking or the product of amazing insight. And honestly, if Marinette giving him the very obvious advise of "stand up to and talk with his father" is groundbreaking to him, that just says more about how much abuse he's gone through under Gabriel's thumb. The fact that it's all wrapped up in more Love Square Drama bs just pisses me off more.

...For all that is good and decent in this world, I'm gonna ignore how much Adrien is acting like a lovesick moron and treating Marinette visibly freaking out and acting like a spaz as "making him smile." I just... again, this pulls back to how Adrien finds the traits of Marinette's that are massive insecurities for her a source of amusement and how the writers don't seem to recognize that that's not the kind of thing you build a healthy relationship off of. 

Uuugghh... even Tikki is ignoring Marinette's actual feelings on the topic. Putting aside how blatantly the writers are making Marinette's denial of being "in love" with Adrien a Strawman position by giving very weak and superficial reasons on why she's "going to stop loving him," as well as the uncomfortable idea that you can just STOP loving someone (even if they are framing it as Marinette not being able to, it's still a disgusting message), the way they are just having everyone ignore what Marinette wants in this situation is just aggravating. Tikki should KNOW that, whether it makes her happy or not, Marinette is making a choice to NOT pursue a relationship at this time and should respect it. Heck, EVERYONE should respect it!! For the love of all that's good, she could literally just SAY "I want to date you, but I'm not comfortable doing that until Hawkmoth is defeated." That is literally all she would have to say, and I'm pretty sure if the writing were even halfway decent, EVERYONE WOULD ACCEPT THAT!!! 

And the Strawmen Arguments just keep on coming! Plagg's thinking that Marinette and Adrien getting together will result in "boom the end of the world!!" doesn't MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL, since he has no real means of knowing about Chat Blanc OR Ephemeral, so NO, he shouldn't have any reason to believe that. And what the absolute FUCK is up with Tikki going "she's running away from her ReAl FeElInGs to pursue an impossible relationship with Chat Noir!!" I just... I'm moving on before I scream. 

And we get another case of the writers flipping the bird to their own rules by having Safari (and I'm grudgingly a fan of her overall design) use the power of Genesis (aka "Lucky Charm but better for actual fighting") to give herself ammo infused with different Miraculous powers. Seriously, they aren't even TRYING to maintain the facade, are they? Oh, and the fact that she had to MAKE herself a crossbow instead of, I dunno, turning some object into it or being gifted it as part of the Akumatization, something we've seen as far back as DARK CUPID, and thus basically wasting the power of Genesis altogether... they honestly aren't even trying with the Akumas anymore.

Okay, we get the return of Timetagger... who doesn't actually talk like Timetagger, and the fact that he's trying to blackmail Ladybug and Chat Noir instead of, you know, going out and finding them due to his power making that really really easy? Yeah... I'm just gloss over this, because plot. 

Tikki makes a good point on Marinette being more worried about Timetagger being back (even though he isn't). They are really just straight-up transplanting her obsession with Adrien onto Chat Noir, huh. 

Okay, if they managed to make it so that Genesis can not only make things, but make things containing OTHER things, with said other things including a technological crossbow capable of identifying and locking onto targets... why the FUCK has the Lucky Charm not gotten any kind of upgrade by this point!? 

No no nooo don't make Ladybug have a dumb moment IN THE MIDDLE OF AN AKUMA FIGHT!!! Ugh... they are honestly just making the idea that Marinette and Adrien getting together in any aspect look worse and worse with scenes like this when you pull off skewed priorities THIS BADLY. 

Ugh, seriously, the fact that they try to play off Marinette's obsessions as some kind of funny quirk is annoying. Doubly so when they have it happen when she's Ladybug, around Chat Noir, DURING AN AKUMA FIGHT. 

Honestly, the arrow tracking down Chat while he's carrying a Venomized Ladybug is the highlight of this fight so far, even if the fact that Safari isn't trying to swarm him with bolts (it's not as if she's at risk of running out!!) until one manages to hit makes me drive my head into a wall. 

Ughh... it's moments like Chat unironically asking if the bolt "is in love with him or something" when there isn't a crowd to be cheesy for that really make it feel like the writers are just slapping dumb blonde stereotypes onto him when they don't need him to be plot-mandated smart. 

And she finally uses multiple bolts! Good for her. It only took her apparently losing sight of Chat Noir to think of it! 

Okay, I gotta ask, do you know when they established that taking the Miraculous from someone who is Venomized unfreezes them?? Because I can't, honestly. 

And the awkward flirting just keeps on coming. 

And now we get a scene of Adrien wondering why they don't just make the Wish themselves... and we get the incredibly crummy reasoning on why the Wish is a trademarked Bad Idea, beyond the whole "erases and remakes the Universe" thing. 

Uuugghhh... moving on from Lady Noir flirting with Mister Bug at the absolute worst possible time. ...Moments like this, seeing Lady Noir babble LITERALLY EXACTLY LIKE MARINETTE is what always confuses me on how she could keep her secret in place. Honestly, the entire idea of "the suits influence he wielders" just annoys me, because it seems entirely lopsided into making Marinette act as flirty as Chat Noir... and if somehow Adrien is being influenced by the suit makes it confusing on how much of his flirtatiousness is artificial or not.

Aaannnddd we get confirmation that yes, Nathalie is every bit as much of a hypocrite as Gabriel. Because NO, it's not as if she can just TELL THE TRUTH. Oh, and we get yet another case of Gabriel forgetting that he can force wielders to obey him and punish them, like he did in Evillustrator. 

And we get the SOLITARY MOMENT in this episode I like: Adrien turning Marinette's habit of Ladybug of making up plans on the fly via her Lucky Charm on her and asking for her to trust him. Although I genuinely wish that it was an actual power the Ladybug gives a wielder, though. 

Lady Noir acting jealous in the middle of a fight over the literal supervillain "pursuing" Mister Bug... 

...Alright, this is my last part of the "Passion" Review, and I'm gonna be blunt. The way this episode treated Marinette's feelings was... disgusting. It acted as if "oh no, she can't POSSIBLY be in love Chat Noir, she's just lying to herself" and the way Alya and Tikki treat her like she's hopelessly in denial... I'm gonna be blunt. I have made no secret that I despise the Love Square. But when it goes to this length to delegitimize EVERY ASPECT OF IT outside of Adriennette... no. This is nothing to be proud of, Thomas. This is you acting as if your non-existent understanding of the intricacies of love and teenage emotions is some grand, all encompassing vision, and making Marinette once again the butt of a mean joke, invalidating her feelings, and just in general treating her like she's an ignorant little child who needs to be told how she's feeling. Get bent. 

Wait, one more. Adrien going "you mean so much to me" with Nathalie. Now, if this nonsense had ANY kind of set-up, of showing Adrien having a parental bond with Nathalie, that would be one thing... but it hasn't. By and large, Nathalie's only real role in his life has been as his dad's secretary, so all this... I'm gonna be generous and chalk it up to him having a big heart. But no, this show doesn't get to play retcon games like this anymore. It's BS.

[alectoperdita]

Random In bed with the mob details:

Mokuba went to school in London and now lives there full-time. Seto visits him every year between Christmas and New Year. It's the one annual vacation he takes.

No-fault divorce doesn't exist in Japan. Jounouchi's parents divorced by mutual agreement, and Jounouchi remaining with his dad was the leverage he used before he agreed to the divorce.

Jounouchi's mom remarried and emigrated to America about a year after the divorce. Jounouchi has not spoken to or seen either her or Shizuka since the divorce finalized. He also has no desire to ever seek them out, especially his mother.

Seto's a complete simp for Jou. It's only going to get worse as time passes. 😂

Seto and Jounouchi were each other's first gay crush. Like in most of my fics, I headcanon Seto as gay and Jounouchi as bi.

Jounouchi owns or will soon own a motorcycle. It's his baby.

Jounouchi regularly works out at a local gym that mostly has other yakuza-types as customers. He also has a punching bag hung in his apartment for when he has anxious energy to burn off. Amateur boxer.

Seto, when he remembers to maintain an exercise routine (it happens on and off depending on his case load), mostly does cardio. He has a treadmill at home that's more often collecting dust than not.

Seto is prone to ulcers. 😔

Jou and Mai knew each other from before he went to prison. She used to deal cards at the illegal casinos Jou once worked as muscle/bouncer at. She now works as a hostess/escort.

Jounouchi didn't go to or finish high school. After he ran away from the orphanage, it was not long before he fell in with the criminal underworld.

Seto speaks/reads/writes German at the C1 level, so business proficient and literate.

Jounouchi tries not to show it, but he often worries about the class and social gap between him and Seto. Tries not to let himself think of Seto as more than a friend-with-benefits. He doubts Seto would be exclusive with him (and he's wrong), but he can't help but be possessive when they're together.

Seto is intensely possessive and jealous, and he's terrible at hiding it. Does his best not to think of what other people Jounouchi might be fooling around with when he's not around (Jounouchi is not sleeping with other people but God forbid they actually communicate), but knows he can't begrudge them because they never agreed to be in a relationship.

They're both versatile. Together, though, Seto is partial to Jounouchi topping him. Jounouchi is mainly concerned with what Seto wants/likes.

During the first week after they reunited, Jounouchi constantly daydreamed about wooing Seto, such as sending him gifts (doesn't know his home address and sending flowers to the office could get awkward fast), taking him out to romantic dinners (and then breaking into a cold sweat at the thought of embarrassing himself), and making sweet love to Seto for hours. Kazuki is still teasing him about whoever's got his head in the clouds.

Seto has not jerked off this frequently in months/years since meeting Jounouchi again.

[hongjoongscafe]

Cancer awareness.

So last time someone asked me whether we celebrate Diwali or not I replied that we won't be this year since my uncle (my mother's brother) is on a ventilator. This was 11th November. On 13th November, my uncle passed away due to cancer.

Nobody knew he had cancer before. So let me take you on a journey of about four and a half months of cancer.

–July 2023.

So my uncle had a “wound” around his wisdom tooth. He was in pain and consulted a dentist 1. This dentist has done all the dental stuff in our family/relatives. A really good one. He said that it was an ulcer and it would be fine and gave some painkillers and other medicine to help it heal.

However, that did not work out and the pain only got worse. My uncle changed the doctor and went to the dentist 2. Now, this dentist is a well-known doctor and works in a very expensive hospital. And he has a clinic of his own. He said that they needed to extract the wisdom teeth. And after that, it will heal. So they did that.

The pain did not stop but it only got worse for even worse.

–August 2023.

When he did not get any relief, my uncle went to another hospital (which is one of the top hospitals in India). They did the scanning and we found out that he had stage 1 cancer in his mouth.

The doctors recommended he should get it operated and removed. So they did that. It was a shock for doctors that when they were operating on him, they found that it was not only in his mouth but in his throat as well. It looked like it started in the throat and its roots went towards his mouth.

They declared that it was not the first stage but the fifth stage of cancer.

Then his chemotherapy and radiation began. He was getting weaker quite faster since his upper jaw was operated on and he was on a liquid diet.

The treatment went on. He was fine at the beginning. Doing minor chores or taking himself to appointments. That did not last long.

–October 2023.

His health got worse and he was completely in bed. His breath would shorten even if went to the toilet which was just one step from his side. It would take minutes on minutes to get his breath at a normal rate.

It was around 14th October. We were there. My aunt helped my uncle bathe but things were not good. His breath was way too short and you could see his stomach getting sucked in when he was trying to breathe.

The next day was the day he was hospitalized.

The doctors said that his lungs were filled with water because of some infection which, to date, is not known.

They started taking out the water. They would fill many bottles every day. It was abnormal, to say the least, that there was that much water in his lungs.

–November 2023.

During that time, they took his bone marrow and tested it. Just to find out the cancer has spread in his bones as well. The doctors did another test whose results took almost a week to come back. The doctors said that if this test was positive, they can do another treatment which was basically the last thing they could do to save his life.

The test came out to be positive. And they prepared the injection. They took him to the ICU in order to keep him under observation for 24 hours according to the protocol of that injection.

This injection was supposed to extend his life by 2 years (maximum). This was an expensive injection costing ₹2,00,000 and this was to be given every three weeks.

Things didn't turn out well.

His health deteriorated. He already had a kidney problem for a long. His kidney doctors had asked him to buy a plot just in case they needed to perform a kidney transplant.

His creatinine increased dangerously and doctors suggested dylasis. They did that too. However, nothing worked and finally after two days, on 13th November, he took his last breath.

.

I made this post to share something that happened to us recently. Never have any of us thought this would happen to our close relatives/family. Cancer is a tricky thing.

The main fault was of Dentist 2 that he pulled his tooth out. Cancer attacks faster when it is touched. He should have taken cautionary steps while treating.

What's done is done. He can't come back and we hope he finds peace.

I just want to share this so you are aware of it. Always get proper tests done. Never take things lightly. Even if you see minor symptoms of anything, get it checked. I don't know what to say right now. But at least let's stay healthy and cautious.

Cancer is a sneaky nightmare. It took someone so close to us within a few months. It was a horrible and haunting thing.

I hope nothing like this happens to any of you. I love you guys so please let's stay healthy. Look after your friends, family, and yourself. Life is too short for regrets❤️.

[shion-yu]

Day 1 - Sick

A snippet from when Cliff first got sick and some backstory for his parents. Whumptober 2023! I’m using the @ailesswhumptober's prompt list. This story is about my OC Cliff - here’s his profile if you’re so inclined: https://toyhou.se/23741453.cliff.

TWs: Medical talk

Claude Barrows was thirty-two when he met Hana Fujioka. He was eight years the girl's senior and that's how Claude thought of her: a young girl, full of fire and miraculously being published in multiple journals as the primary author despite her young age. She was all work and Claude appreciated that. He also liked how she blushed when he asked her to dinner, simultaneously scoffing at his request. She had walked away without answering his question, only to call him later that night to say yes. From then on, Claude spent what little spare time he had courting her. She blew him off sometimes. She'd take work phone calls during dinner and didn't know how to cook or clean. But Claude didn't mind those things. He proposed to Hana anyways. He suspected Hana's own father's desire for his daughter to marry a doctor had something to do with the yes he received, but he was still happy nonetheless. After all, all of his colleagues at work were married and after being let down before, Claude was willing to take good enough. 

When Hana got pregnant, Claude was excited. But Hana didn't want the child. She said she was too busy to raise a kid. So Claude promised her that he would never let the child get in the way of her career, and finally she accepted. They had a little girl, Moira, and Claude loved her so much that he couldn't wait to come home and see her every night, even if she was usually asleep by the time he finished at the hospital. Hana kept publishing papers and staying up late doing research. Claude made sure Moira always had a nanny and tried to go to her school events when he could. Money wasn't a problem, but time was: there was never enough of it. That was why they didn't intend on having a second child. Besides, now in his mid-forties, Claude was too old, he thought. But sometimes, even for the most orderly people in the world, things just happen and this time, they had a boy. 

By now, Claude had been promoted to chief attending and was barely ever home. He kept his promise to Hana - he made sure the kids were always taken care of, of course by someone else that he paid. But Hana was older this time - no matter what Claude did, the child took a lot out of her and Claude could tell she resented both him and their son. It made their relationship, which was already only a thing of habit, become even more strained. Cliff was the representation of their failing marriage and therefore Claude found him hard to be around. It didn't help that unlike Moira, who used to fly into his arms and bother him until he was forced to pay attention to her, Cliff was shy and nervous. They never bonded and Claude knew it was his fault. He regretted it, certainly. But he wasn't so willing as to change it on his own. 

That was, until he got a call from Moira who seemed on the brink of tears. "Dad, something's wrong with Cliff," she'd told him. "I just have a bad feeling. Please, see him." He couldn't say no to that. 

So there he was now, sitting across from his youngest child in his office. Claude was stunned at how sickly Cliff looked. The boy was thin with little trace of the athletic body he'd had in high school. Claude could see he was stifling a constant cough and there were dark shadows under his eyes. "Are you eating?" Claude asked him. 

"Plenty," Cliff replied, his voice rough. Claude was unsure if his son was being sarcastic or not. 

"You had another stomach ulcer. This time, it ruptured," Claude stated, having read through all of Cliff's medical records beforehand. He couldn't believe that Cliff hadn't told anyone about either hospital visit he'd had. Sure, the two of them weren't close, but this was something so serious that he thought Cliff would have at least told Hana about it. "The first time you had one, you saw a therapist for a while and it helped. Perhaps it'd help again." 

"It didn't help back then," Cliff said blankly. "I just said the right things so I could stop going." 

"Really?" 

"Yes." Cliff was very different from the last time Claude had seen him, though he wasn't sure if it only seemed so sudden because it'd been such a long time since they were last face to face. His son's hair was long and he spoke directly, rather than politely like he'd been taught. 

"You've lost twenty pounds since last year," Claude said. At one point it had been even more than that, but it seemed Cliff had gained some of the weight back after his stomach had been repaired. "If you're really eating, that does worry me." No answer. Was Cliff using drugs? Surely not, Claude thought. Although he felt uncomfortable, he began to examine Cliff. They slowly went through everything - eyes, ears, throat. Claude had Cliff lie down so that he could feel his abdomen and noted how Cliff seemed to struggle to sit back up. "Your lymph nodes are swollen," Claude said, frowning. "And your lungs sound awful. Are you using your inhaler?" 

"Yes," Cliff said. “Doesn’t help.”

"You’re still studying to be a lawyer, aren’t you? You must be busy.” 

"Yes," Cliff said. He was so wary. It made the guilt that was tugging at the back of his mind worse.

"Well, you were always smart," Claude said distractedly, focused on going through potential diagnoses in his head. The symptoms Cliff was having were not normal - neither was the amount of times he'd written down he'd been ill this year on his intake form. It could be nothing - but it could imply something very serious. Certain words popped into his head that usually never phased Claude when he was just working - but felt very different when applied to his own son. "I'd like to take some blood. Actually, a lot of blood," Claude said. He expected Cliff to ask questions, but instead the boy just nodded in agreement. "And we should get a chest x-ray. In the meantime, rest. You really don't seem well." Cliff seemed to laugh a little at that, which worried Claude. But he kept silent like he always did. 

"Why are you and mom getting divorced?" 

The question startled Claude and he cleared his throat before he answered. "We haven't... Connected for a long time." 

“Okay. I might pass out when they draw my blood." 

Later that evening, Claude couldn't stop thinking about their meeting. He realized that he didn't really know Cliff at all and it was very likely his fault. It was obvious even to Claude that he'd never been the best father, but he hadn't processed the stark difference between how he'd raised his two children so clearly until now. Moira was unmistakably his daughter, but Cliff... Claude didn't understand their relationship. Truthfully, they didn't have one at all, and that was the problem. He felt anxious and tried to distract himself with other work until he went to bed that night. However, Claude's stress only intensified the next day when some of Cliff's labs came back. The boy was anemic, his immune system was shot and the chest x-ray was suspicious of things Claude hadn’t wanted to consider, but couldn’t ignore now. Moira was right to push Cliff to meet with him, Claude thought, because if she hadn't, he wasn't sure how long Cliff would have waited. He remembered that Cliff never wanted anyone to know when he was sick or hurt, even as a kid. Maybe something else that was his fault. 

He called Cliff that afternoon. "Come back tomorrow." It wasn't phrased as a suggestion. 

"Uh, okay. Am I dying or something?" 

Even though Claude knew the question wasn't completely serious, he couldn't feel much else but panic at that moment.

"Don't eat after midnight."

[nowoyas]

yeah actually in hindsight it's kind of fucking hilarious I did shit all the time in school that I should have gotten in trouble for but because the rest of the time I was super polite and quiet and said "hello" and "good morning" in my developing customer service voice teachers fucking just refused to believe I was capable of doing any of it

I once came to school with a MASSIVE hickey on my neck like impossible to cover up and it was a uniform day that day so I couldn't do a scarf or anything and my teacher literally looked at me and turned to my friend and was like "now what does that look like" (referring to the hickey) and then he goes "how did you manage to bruise yourself in exactly the right way to make it look like you had a hickey" because it did not occur to him that I might have actually had a hickey

I straight up stole shit from a rude teacher and just never got caught

I FULLY CUSSED OUT another teacher because her insistence on sticking to an ~experiential learning~ method that made it impossible to take notes or study the material afterward meant I was failing her class and like yelled at her in the hallway about how I wouldn't be having daily panic attacks in her class if she were fucking competent and how fucking dare she ask me to "control them" as if they weren't directly her fault for refusing to help me when I kept explaining that I needed help in her class and then just grabbed my shit and walked out of her class and skipped the rest of the day and never got in trouble or even received a "hey don't do that"

I cussed out a chaperone for fucking blinding students to do a hand check at three in the morning on the band bus and shining a flashlight in my eyes WHILE I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP AT THREE IN THE MORNING and almost got kicked out of band and just insisted that I didn't do it and cried about it so I didn't actually get in trouble for it and because other students backed me up she was asked not to continue chaperoning band trips (which kind of saved her kid's ass because she HARASSED him and his girlfriend with like constant hand checks)

I would just straight up break into the teacher's lounge to buy the good sodas from their vending machine and no one cared

I once had a class-long religious lecture from a substitute that she started and wouldn't drop because everyone else in class was doing free band practice and I couldn't play because I had a bad mouth ulcer and my embouchure was making my mouth bleed and after she unprompted started lecturing me about god and jesus I opened my mouth, blood literally dripping out from the fucking ulcer, and explained to her that as she was an employee of the My County County School system, the establishment clause of the constitution prohibited government attempts to establish a religion and she was speaking to me as an extension of that government, being a government employee, so if she wanted to keep her job she should stop fucking harassing me for literally just sitting there with a rainbow pin on my jacket

I got away with WAY too much shit in school lmfaooo

[sassypotatoe1]

From my perspective it appears to be an increasingly prevalent opinion, especially among Christians, that cancer or other terminal diseases or conditions are either divine punishment from God or among the more science-minded of Christians your fault for how you lived your life (ie drinking, smoking, narcotics, bad diet, little exercise).

I'm here to tell you that this is not true. If you are still a Christian you can feel very welcome to believe that Jesus died for all our sins. The price has been paid, the punishment has been dealt, you are not being punished for your sins if you are terminally ill. You're just mortal and sick and it happens and it sucks, but you did not bring this upon yourself.

If you are agnostic or atheist rest assured that your lifestyle choices did not cause your terminal illness. Yes, some of these factors can contribute to the severity of your symptoms, and yes in very rare cases lifestyle choices can cause cancer (and I mean very very rare), but there are plenty of people who have the exact same lifestyle that came out of it completely fine. Terminal illness does not discriminate. We don't actually have a single clue what causes them, we just have some informed guesses that can't even be applied to every case.

We know dementia is the degeneration of brain matter manifesting in loss of executive function, memory and control over your body. We know that drugs, alcoholism, smoking, coronary artery disease or congestive heart failure can dramatically impact dementia symptoms and progression. We also know that plenty perfectly healthy people get dementia because of their genetics, and some even just out of the blue for no discernable reason.

The same goes for cancer. Some get cancer from smoking or constant ulcers from bad diet, but an overwhelming majority of cancer cases are simply just your cancer cells deciding to multiply and you can be the epitome of health and still get cancer.

So listen to me very closely. If you are terminally ill, it. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You are not being punished, you did not intentionally cause this, you did your best with what you had and your body still got sick. It's not your fault.

[twen-nee7]

it is the first week of june, 2023. my partner was supposed to be here at the end of april. he moved to portland, oregon, at the beginning of 2022 and we planned to live there together, but things didn’t work out on his end, and we decided to regroup in west virginia for now.

he got very sick in april. there’s a lot going on. i wish i could afford to go see him in the hospital, but i can barely pay the bills. we were supposed to see the cure together this sunday ):

weird little story below the cut.

march, 2022: partner moved to oregon, having landed what he thought was his dream job in appraisals.

i wasn’t thrilled. i don’t like cities, they aggravate my sensory issues, but i was living on disability with my dysfunctional and sometimes-abusive mother; i just wanted out.

i was putting in hundreds of job apps for the portland area, but then my partner stopped me. he hates it. we shouldn’t live there, get a job where i can tolerate and he will figure it out. he planned on being here in december.

i got my bachelors degree and a shitty job as a proofreader at a law firm, secured a place to live near the office in west virginia, and eagerly awaited my partner to get here.

except, he couldn’t find a job. his industry is niche. it’s how it is. march, he said. still no job. finally, he finds one! yay! april!!!

i’m barely making ends meet. any extra expense is impossible as i eat every third day of the week. soon, it’ll be okay and i can have food daily and not cry about money, maybe fix my credit score.

the flight date is inching forward, but my partner gets kidney stones. one is the size of a quarter. he goes to the hospital.

no antibiotics. no urinalysis.

tw: graphic?? his urethra is shredded, and he needs to use a catheter until it heals. they send him home. it develops an infection, so he goes back; he is in the hospital for a day as they siphon liquid out of his penis with a giant needle. there’s no way he’s making his flight. reschedule.

the day before he flies out, he has a high fever on his antibiotics. i tell him to go to the hospital, and he does. they run tests… and he has MRSA. in his penis. they give him antibiotics, but don’t listen to his allergies.

his heart stops for four and a half minutes after they administer antibiotics he is allergic to.

there is an indescribable feeling that comes along with someone you love being resuscitated from actual death. the story of what he saw was harrowing, yet enlightening.

that hospital lets him out the next day after they killed him, giving him pills for MRSA after a mere 24 hours on IV antibiotics. plane is rescheduled.

it is the day before the flight, today, but he isn’t going to be here.

a week ago now, he went to a new hospital. the MRSA spread. he had a stomach ulcer. his penis was turning blue.

due to the mistreatment from the prior hospital (which likely gave him MRSA in the first place, along with a whole slew of other problems), the bacteria was running rampant, eating his penis from the inside out. sounds kinky, but it has eaten through so much muscle and tissue that the outlook isn’t great.

my partner is the most cishet person i know. as such, he is very attached to his genitals. as of this weekend, he has daily talks with therapists to help him learn to cope with the very real possibility that his penis will be useless sexually. reconstructive surgery is in his future, and he will “only” lose “some” feeling if he’s lucky. (the use of therapists indicates to me that “functionally useless” will be the most likely outcome, though)

i feel so badly for him. truly. i can’t imagine what he is going through right now, all alone… it’s terrible.

i’m not worried about my end of the sex life, but i am worried for him. i find it odd, though, and maybe feel somewhat at fault for always saying i’d never date anyone who could get me pregnant… maybe i shouldn’t have thought like that. it’s stupid to feel guilt right now, too; my partner, who i’ve been with for seven years, is suffering a continent away from his friends and family.

but… the whole thing. it’s so odd.

[nipple-brains]

Looks like I have given myself stomach ulcers from taking paracetamol like candy for 3 years straight while it did nothing to help because I was too scared to ask my doctor for better pain meds for my chronic pain in case they thought I wanted opioids (don't) and treated me like a drug sleeker.

I've been in so much pain for months and gaslighted myself about it saying it was nothing, I was just hungry, and I'm just tired when I've been in agony and apparently I've just been making it worse keeping my head down and taking Panadol like my dad (a doctor) always told me to.

Medical trauma is so real and it's so fucking dangerous. I've avoided seeking medical care for this for about 3 months now, it could have gotten so much worse or killed me but I told myself I didn't want to be treated like I was seeking painkillers or that I didn't want to waste my doctors time. This is the culmination of decades of medical negligence and abuse on my family's part, especially my dad who made it clear patients were a burden to their doctors and should only seek help if you're dying. But this isn't just from them, every doctor I've had until my current one has treated me like a liar and acted like my chronic pain was just for attention while my body caves in around me and I become practically bed bound and I took over the counter painkillers until my stomach literally started burning.

I'm so fucking angry and upset and people are going to say I've done this to myself and like yes to an extent I did but I've also been taught that my need for help is inherently wrong and I am a burden who should suffer until they can't take it anymore because I'm just looking for attention anyway. Not to mention I'm fat so I'm just waiting for the day my doctor tells me it's my own fault I'm in pain and forces weightloss on me as my only option while ignoring the fact that I only got fat after becoming pretty much bed bound from pain.

Honestly fuck the medical system, fuck the systematic neglect of disabled and fat people, fuck my dad for teaching me I'm specifically a burden and should avoid asking for help until I'm dying.

I deserve better than this, I'm going to see my new doctor next week and refuse to leave until he gets me tests and treatment and until he gives me an alternative to paracetamol that will actually help my pain and allow me to have some of my life back and if he won't I'll be back every fucking week until he will. I deserve my life back, I deserve to not be in pain all the time, I deserve to feel safe in my body.