#it may get a bit more happy now
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Can you talk about trans!Curly a little bit more? I'm curios if you have any headcanons and the like
-💀
It's just such a thing in my mind because it adds a truthful sadness and differing aspect to mouthwashing.
If Curly was trans it adds the horror of the horribly selfish thought he could have easily been in Anya's situation. It could've been him but it wasn't and he so conflicted on the pit it put in his stomach that brings and the shameful relief it wasn't. In this scenario he is friends with Jimmy for a long time still. Jimmy likely knew him pretransition. Maybe he gave Curly weird looks then, maybe they never stopped after, maybe they seemed meaner. They are guys now, bros, both of them are. He doesn't really have to worry what those looks mean anymore, Jimmy just has that face with him sometimes. It's recontextualizing a lot of things for him that he was in denial about or too ashamed to admit. How naive he was being and how he let that get another person hurt.
Specifically with Anya, it's he knows the dread and fear she's feeling. He can understand it because he had to live with it for a good portion of his life, he knows it cause he still does, just in a slightly different way. It makes him think of all the times he's been alone with Jimmy, all the times he's been way more drunk off his ass and not remember the night, Jimmy was always with him the next day. Makes him think of the comments he would laugh off both because that's what guys do but because that part of being a girl says to laugh so Jimmy doesn't do something. It's the selfish realization that he was never safe and he's uncertain now too. Mad at himself for forgeting that feeling, espcially since for a long time he would've been considered the only woman on a crew (with all that implies) for a long time.
He should've taken those blinders off, step back into that position for just a moment and it's so much more painful that Anya likely came to him because he should've gotten it. Those thoughts don't leave his mind after the crash when he's in an even more vulnerable position than she was...
#this is less headcanons and more my thoughts of the intersectional horror this brings to mouthwashing which is also a thing it#already has but more directly in the mix vs just the class gender and positional struggle. like the idea he waited to confront Jimmy becaus#he could conceptualize the crime better because of experience with womanhood and also how it would've destroyed him in terms of being trans#like its weird to word as a comparison but thats kinda how empathy works as in an understanding and ability to project through aspects#like you found out your friend who has always had weird feelings about and relating to you is a rapist and got one of your other friend#pregnant and is now being openly hostile and aggressive towards you. You have only a few days to really think on all of this all the years#with him and how many oppurtunites he had that you blame yourself for giving him both in life and to do to you. You are starting to#realize that he may have done what he did to Anya because it was no longer viable with him or because of weird transphobia/homophobia#from Jimmy and god its so much and he should've know better and what did Jimmy do then - c r a s h#he is at such a small amount of mercy to Jimmy now and he can't protect Anya and it's terrifying because i know and you know that Jimmy is#giving him those weird looks again...#like it adds another layer of horror to things and while I don't think Jimmy would do anything to Curly it's heavily implied he targeted he#because of relatively more important position and getting Curly to have doubts about him as a power play and Curly knows Jimmy well enough#that him immediately exerting his authority and power would set him off after already having been mad about it and even when doing#damage control it still set him off. like its the horror of accidenlty siding with your oppresser and hurting other like you only to then b#stabbed in the back again by the person who took advantage of your nature like its so complext but my actual trans curly headcanons#are just a little bit happier like i imagine he was the first on the boys soccer team and a star player. maybe he and jimmy even picked ou#his first offical “boy” clothes and Jimmy picked most so he looked like the grungiest white boy but she was a boy so it didn't matter cause#it was with his friend who accepted him and I bet on the bed he looks back at all those moments and notices the little details that his#friend wasnt actually so happy but he can't be certain when he started looking so bitter or hes just imagining out of paranoia cause he jus#cant know and even if he could he wouldn't want to ask like god thinking about Anya and probably being a little glad if not heartbroken#that she did get out of it in the end like trans curly and anya destroy me even more its so upsetting like he didn't realize how much he go#you girl and waited to act like it was cowardice but then would she not realize what hes realizing? should that be a grace or more of a#condemnation in her mind like what are her thoughts? espically during the scene Jimmy hits Curly like she had to hear and what did she thin#they are tormented in a similar hells with the same demon and its fascinating#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing
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my ford homunculus is nearly complete
#gravity falls#Ford pines#stanford pines#wood carving#puppets#tomorrow.... he gets assembled#and then strung#and then next week he gets disassembled and a bit more detail added and then painted#but for NOW he gets assembled tomorrow#and also he gets an actual carved head soon. as soon as my fingertips stop tingling and my wrists work again.#AHHHHH I'm so happy with how he's turning out#i can't wait for him to be done!!! I think I may have set the worlds new puppet carving speedrun record#flugflebsty#that was my attempt at typing 'fluffle art'#my fingers may have stopped work on account of the aforementioned wrist issues#o well!!!#fluffle art
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(cw for a gun, mild blood and suicide in the last drawing.)
Day 1-5 of drawing Re:Kinder daily for a whole month! I'll be doing that all month. ☺️
I did not draw Re:Kinder enough (said both sarcastically and genuinely, because while I know the statement is ridiculous I also do believe it www), so I chose to challenge myself. I will post these every 5 days to not clog the tag too much.
#re:kinder#rekinder#fanart#hiroto yamakawa#rei suzumura#aya hibino#sayaka akatsuki#ryou shimoya#takumi katsuragi#shunsuke takano#yuuichi mizuoka#AND CHIE!!!!!! :3333#now... commentary...#for the first one i tried doing the proportions a bit more realistic than the chibi like ones i usually do !#although it comes with the worry they may seem like teens in contrast of how i generally draw them^^;... i hope they still look their age😢#second drawing is based on an idea from my sister that hiroto’s more responsible attitude comes from taking charge more than he should-#-due to his parents both being depressed. so i tried to express that idea somewhat... its more speculation than anything but still#third one is HORROR MOVIE TIME!!! this one was very funny to me because i dunno whos house theyre in but ryou looks right at home www#certainly not takumi's because that breaks the law children have of “its MY house so if i dont want to watch this movie we wont watch it”#fourth is SHUNSUKE VS THE SCHOOL TESTS!! based on him throwing out his school tests on the trash as mentioned once ingame.#in case it isnt clear the 12 is a 12 out of 100... im afraid i dont know how to make it clearer😓.#chie originally wasnt meant to be there but the compositions i came up with felt boring otherwise. so she was brought in to fill in the voi#final drawing is here to remind you this is a horror game about mentally ill children i am so sorry#im aware it is a bit jarring compared to all the (mostly) fluff but the rng said it was a yuu day he doesnt get any fluff#ah yes sorry spoilers he wont be getting any fluff there will not be a single drawing where he feels joy😭 i am sorry for this#this is because the ideas i never really got to draw (that are here) of him are the sad ones because i feel such a pity drawing him that wa#but i had to get to them eventually because i did want to draw it anyway but i was going to keep stalling them if i didnt do em here#so sorry no happy yuu the whole month😢#anyway i may redraw one of these later down the line (when its no longer august).#i do these with time limitations so i dont get to push them to bigger steps but if i feel one should get one i may redraw it LATERRR
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💫✨ Precious Stars in the Sky ✨💫
Merry Christmas @fairymistrose !! 💖💙
I've been so excited to show off our favorite cotton candy girlies again 💕
Commission Info | Ko-Fi | My Links
#aaaaa I've been wanting to draw a gummi ship prompt for so long now and drawing mina and maril together for it just made it perfect#you know how excited I get to show you gifts lmao I've been so happy abt this one#last years exchange is still one of my favorite pieces I've made#BUT THIS YEAR ough everything abt the girls is always so dang special getting to draw mina (and maril) always makes my heart so full#I adore them with my entire heart and soul#I've already gushed a bit to ya over on discord but aaaaa I love you sm Tasha#your friendship is so important to me and I'm so grateful to get to share another year with ya#thank you for everything 💖💙#and as always#may your heart be your guiding key#I scream my heart out to ya more later 💕#kingdom hearts#kingdom hearts oc#friend oc#maril highwind#my art
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it's not mine, i'm a terrible puppeteer!
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#sona#tw derealization#tw scopophobia#(tell me if i gotta tag more fhsh-)#i actually love this so much lol!! :D#i thought i wouldn't post it but i like it tons so. !!#the shading is a bit weird but i had fun and love it anyway ^v^#also shoutout to my detestation of drawing clothing lol- every body gets the Stickman Treatment hvfhs#/man also i Love shading darker hair !!! it looks. tasty :33#//also i wanted to try some more yellowish-orangish tones but i Immediately went back to the purple side of the colour wheel lmao#i can't help it that's my home now hfvh#//also i'm writing a thing !! :D#which may not get finished but i'm so happy to be making things lol :DD#i had to pause though cuz. well i drew this in the amount of time i had a Moment so hfhshs#//'m gonna go now though !! see you !!! later !!!!!! :D <3
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Hello! I have a question about tyre pressure penalties. Why do they pop up so often and why now? It didn't seem to be a big topic a few years ago, what changed? The tyres, the bikes, the rules?
Thank you so much for answering
yeah, the rule was introduced in july of 2023, so it is still a very new thing! and... well, it's basically the bikes and the rules that have changed, whereas the tyres haven't changed as much as they need to. here's the tldr on why the rule was initially introduced:
so I'm afraid the actual explanation is going to be a bit longer and more complicated - but here's the most basic summary. if you don't read anything else, hopefully this will give you a general sense of what is going on here:
last few years: more aero, ride height devices, faster bikes = more stress on the tyres, more heat, higher tyre pressures
when you follow another rider, your tyre pressure may rise very quickly; when you're in clean air it'll get lower
too low tyre pressures = tyre may degrade which can be safety issue
too high tyre pressures = bike buckles under you, makes overtaking harder and crashing more likely (also competitive disadvantage)
controversy in 2022: leaked michelin document showing several riders weren't above minimum tyre pressure level. rules just hadn't been enforced -> teams demanded change
proposed rules in 2023 for minimum tyre pressure: seen as very strict + harsh penalties were criticised. the penalties were reduced, rule when introduced was still controversial
particularly heated discussion when it looked like it might influence the title fight, with both pecco + jorge receiving a warning
rules changed for 2024, made somewhat more lenient than initially proposed, but clearly it remains an issue
okay, that's the short version. let's give a little more context. discussion surrounding this proposed rule introduction really got going in 2022, as a result of a controversy surrounding the lack of enforcement of the existing rule. we've had tyre pressure rules since basically forever... it's just that michelin wasn't actually going to the stewards and saying 'hey, you've got to penalise these riders'. the thing is, all teams are chasing low tyre pressures to gain a performance advantage. you're trying to get the tyres to operate in the ideal window of grip level - if you're setting them low, you're attempting to ensure that you won't be screwed over if your rider ends up in a race situation where the tyre pressure suddenly rises outside of that level. see this from 2022:
so, again, to be clear: the existence of tyre pressure regulations isn't new, it just hasn't been enforced. the article I linked to was from a piece after jerez 2022. it's about how a leaked document from michelin confirmed that several riders, most notably pecco and ducati, had essentially run their tyres in an illegal manner but would not be penalised for it. this had been common practise for years and years, but at last other manufacturers were complaining about this state of affairs - which stemmed from a "gentleman's agreement" between the manufacturers and michelin not to disclose any breaches. for obvious reasons, this is not ideal. it's a) unfair from a competitive standpoint, and b) quite possibly dangerous. which also doesn't really make this bit ideal, does it:
and here's the leaked michelin document:
'only 0 laps' slay
so basically it was the manufacturers themselves that had kinda had enough of the status quo and provided the initial impetus for change (ironic, given where the rest of this post is going). the situation also wasn't helped by how michelin had told journalists like a race earlier that infringements were "very rare", which obviously they were not
which, okay. seems straightforward enough, right? teams are chasing performance advantages - but they should be penalised if they're pushing things too far. tough for them if higher tyre pressures are making them slower! the issue is... well, these fluctuating tyre pressures and how often they end up getting very, very high is actually a massive issue in and of itself. it doesn't just make bike performance worse... it makes the racing worse. from another article at the time, that outlines how few overtakes there had been in recent races and how this was a problem riders up and down the grid had talked about:
basically, the idea is that if you end up following another rider too closely, your tyre pressure might suddenly rise to the stratosphere. (obviously, you saw the reverse of that in assen - marc worrying his tyre pressure was too low and having to fall back behind diggia to try and get it up again.) it's described as quite a radical difference, not just in terms of performance (making it harder to overtake), but also in terms of handling... and ultimately safety, because suddenly rising tyre pressures can make crashes more likely. I'll give a bunch of quotes from riders here, but I'll also summarise them afterwards
and to get slightly more technical with this, here's how bastianini described the issue:
so, tldr for the above quotes:
even tiny changes in tyre pressure can make a massive difference in how the bike handles
following a bike closely can cause the tyre pressure to rise enough to make it start buckling under you, making it a lot easier to crash. specifically, it becomes really hard to brake in a controlled manner
it's easier to lock the front when you're braking in these conditions (with a smaller contact patch between tyre and ground), so you're compensating by pushing more when braking, with less grip - that's what makes you more likely to crash
this makes overtaking harder, essentially relying on bikes in front to make a mistake. unless you have a clear speed advantage, you may be stuck in a pattern where you gain but then have to drop back for tyre pressure reasons
it's very hard for the teams to figure out beforehand how to set the tyre pressures, not least because obviously it depends on what sort of race situation their riders will be in
and that's the problem in a nutshell. low tyre pressures are a problem for safety reasons. high tyre pressures are also a problem for safety reasons, plus come with the added downside that they have contributed to making the racing a lot worse in recent times. it's tough for teams to predict how they should set their tyre pressure, but some teams had been deliberately going high risk (low pressure) for a competitive edge - even if their riders weren't always aware of it. and the rule wasn't being enforced
so, let's tackle the obvious question: why has this become such an issue at all specifically in the last few years? I'm going to basically just summarise the linked article for this, though obviously I'd recommend you go read that in full:
the michelin front slick tyre has always been sensitive, though it's gotten particularly bad these last few years
the racing is both faster and closer now than it used to be, so these small margins have become more important
the out-sized aerodynamics have reduced wheelies and led to greater downforce during braking, which means you have more load on the tyre. to explain a bit more (from here): tyres are being pushed down by weight of bike + rider, the engine generates friction, which determines grip - and also heats the tyre up. more heat = more pressure
rear devices: dropping the rear of the bike on straights for reduced wheelies and to "adjust the angle of the downforce aero". so basically you're sticking the tyres to the ground, you're keeping the bikes super low, there's more weight, you're putting a lot of stress on the front to do the front to do the braking and you're braking from higher speeds. all of this raises the temperatures enough to be a problem
slipstreaming: typically a massive part of racing in motogp, as it gives the rider behind an advantage when following. the problem is if you have aero that's creating such a massive vacuum that it's essentially sucking the rider in... creating a lower-than-atmospheric pressure that makes it super hard to brake. because low pressure = good when you're on the throttle and trying to go fast, by extension low pressure = bad when you're attempting to brake and go slow
I hope this is like... more or less clear - we could get more technical with this and I'd advise you to follow the links I've provided, but I'm trying to keep it relatively straightforward. also, obviously I'm extremely not an expert on this either. basically, it's aero and ride height devices and sheer performance that are putting a lot of load on the tyres. increased stress means more tyre pressure fuckery and threatens the integrity of the tyre. high tyre pressures are dangerous. low tyre pressures are also dangerous. not ideal. these michelin tyres also fundamentally were not designed with aero and ride height devices in mind (they've been working on a new front tyre since 2019). there's a few different reasons why michelin hadn't been able to roll out more suitable tyres, including a) covid-caused delays, b) the reluctance of riders to actually test new tyres (preventing enough data from being collected), and c) the reluctance of motogp to force the issue by having enough testing and bullying riders into using the tyres. all this has meant that now, in 2024, we still don't have a front tyre that's really suitable to the actual bikes we have
so, what to do? now, obviously *casey stoner voice* maybe you should simply ban literally all this shit. strip off every single wing, chuck out everything that even looks like it might be applying for 'device' status, take a hammer to anything that wasn't on these bikes twenty years ago. also, just slow the bikes down! while michelin isn't responsible for most of this and being a tyre supplier in a motorsport is a notoriously thankless job, they are the primary reason why everyone is smashing lap records left right and centre this year. get rid of all of it. racing was better twenty years ago. return to the glory days, bring back the real sport *end casey stoner voice*
given they're not going to change the tech regulations overnight - and the proposed next ruleset (while far from perfect) does include changes that theoretically should help address this problem - it was felt like a more immediate change was needed. so over the course of 2022, there were more and more discussions about how you'd more firmly clamp down on teams playing fast and loose with the existing tyre pressure rules. initially, the new rules for tyre pressures and how strongly they'd be penalised were supposed to be introduced pretty early in 2023, with the introduction of a unified monitoring system that ensured these teams didn't like... just pretend their own problematic numbers were down to their inability to measure their own numbers
these proposals were met with massive backlash - and I think you should be able to guess why. these tyre pressure rules are about mandating a minimum level... but a lot of this post has been about why high tyre pressures are also a massive problem. as we've established, different race situations can also lead to very sudden changes - so if you're setting it higher to begin with, it might end up being so bad you cause a lot of crashes:
the other big complaint was about the harshness of the proposed penalties, which were initially going to be instant disqualification. eventually, once the rule was finally introduced in mid-2023, it was with lighter penalties:
another quirk was that, initially, it was checked through randomised post-race inspections. this is because they didn't want to just rely on the new system they'd installed in the bikes, but also wanted to manually check afterwards - which they didn't have the capacity yet to do on all the bikes. even with this change, the rule wasn't exactly universally popular. one complaint, expressed here by zarco, was with the idea that low front tyre pressures even are as dangerous as they're being portrayed as:
and again, the argument that this is bad for racing:
the more moderate version of this complaint was aired by aleix - the rule itself was fine, but the exact application was too strict:
this situation is the definition of lose-lose-lose. it's bad for riders because they're constantly having to monitor tyre pressures, running the risk of being penalised and also racing in a dangerous manner if their tyres aren't exactly right - plus racing in a dumb manner if they have to adjust how they're conducting their race to what their tyre pressures are doing, for instance by dropping back into the pack to get back to an acceptable level. it's bad for michelin because everybody's constantly complaining about this rule and their tyres - and while this rule they've insisted on doesn't necessarily appear to be the best solution for an imperfect situation... of course they're not the main party to blame for the imperfect situation in the first place. and it's lose for the viewers because, well, it makes the racing processional and at times extremely daft
now, there was obviously plenty more discourse about this, but the controversy really got going again late last year - at the height of the title fight, when both jorge (after thailand) and pecco (after sepang) ended up being slapped with warnings, with a penalty to follow with another infringement. obviously, given how close the title fight was, the idea that it might be decided by something this dumb was appealing to literally nobody. martin was particularly outspoken after sepang about how it was impacting the racing:
it was very visible in the sepang sprint how jorge was adjusting his tactics to this race situation - he just couldn't race normally because of the tyre pressure calculation they'd made not matching to the race situation. on the flip side, bastianini was given a warning after the race for his low tyre pressure... but well, he won that race, and it was obviously worth it for him to low ball it, given the absolute lack of championship implications and how the rules essentially gave him a freebie. which, if this is a safety rule, how is that a reasonable way of regulating it? you're allowed to chew up your tyres in a dangerous manner but just this once, as a treat?
as ever, jorge was backed up in his complaints by aleix:
make engineers less anxious 2k23
also, I do just need to quickly bring in another thing jorge said, because it's still very funny to me
no?? don't do that?? just because pecco also has a warning, that does not mean you can take all the risks you want?? how does that even WORK?? what if pecco plays it sensible and he doesn't get a penalty??
anyway, of course neither of them ended up being penalised - though diggia lost a podium at valencia. with plenty of talk again at valencia, obviously it was a concern going into the next season, especially given the penalties were supposed to be escalated so that a rider would be disqualified at first offence. the organisers ended up changing their mind on this rule last minute - and now we have a mere 16 second time penalty instead. more importantly, the actual threshold was made a little more lenient:
relatively speaking, the situation this year... well, it could be worse. there's been a few penalties here and there, like fabio's in the jerez sprint - which obviously was a complete chaos race where fabio from pee five million on the grid really wouldn't have been expecting to run in clean air. (four other riders were also penalised there.) marc's assen one is particularly memorable, given it included those bizarre moments where marc let other riders ahead of him to get his tyre pressure in an acceptable range. that still wasn't enough and due to (according to marc, anyway) the bastianini contact he ended up just falling afoul of the laps you need within the allowed margins. of course, none of this is ideal. there's a bunch of ways in which it makes racing worse: for safety reasons, by making overtaking harder, by making it harder for riders to adjust to unexpected race situations. there's also not really an easy solution and no party here is 100% blameless. hopefully michelin will at least construct a new tyre that makes all this a little better. hopefully we can one day fire ride height devices into the sun
#yayy tyre talk don't we all love it#i'm sorry i don't think it's possible to write this up in a particularly entertaining way. it's tyres. it is what it is#tyre discourse in late 00s: political intrigue. hot girl shit. narrative juice. feud material. set up cold war cosplay. made casey furious#tyre discourse in the early 20s: boring. zero narrative juice. makes racing actively worse. also makes casey furious but in a less fun way#motogp#//#brr brr#batsplat responds#also general note to anyone who has sent me more technical or specific questions - happy to get them. may take me a bit#right now i don't really have time to answer asks that aren't 100% vibes i fear#this one's an exception because i feel like i have a decent grasp on it with minimal double checking required#current tag
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sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
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ok, got a bit of writing done and got caught up on my ims (i think?? lmk if i missed u)... now i think it's time for dinner & a bit of gaming uvu
#may do a bit more writing later but may also not#really just depends how lost i get in games :x#either way progress is progress; i'm just happy if i can get into the habit of writing at least a little every day#and also if i'm having a good time with it. which i am!! really trying to embrace the idea of not putting pressure on myself#we'll see how well that sticks when the inevitable downswing of my depression cycle hits but ajkshfsd#for now it's going pretty well!! lmao#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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gonna be a random thought to set down but just one thats been bubbling for a couple days so bear with me if you actually read thru this lmao but -
know theres always those posts that go around that say to not be afraid of setting boundaries or curating your space for yourself etc. and while those little reminders are always nice it is always an entirely different thing actually putting that into practice. and especially in cases where theres alot of entanglement with certain aspects of connections made ooc & ic in relation to yknow, rp and everything - makes things difficult to even consider unraveling just bc of how many layers and sometimes people or muses or plots that can be affected by setting & enforcing personal boundaries or looking out for yourself & your own best interests when it comes to how things may be affecting your mood or mental state.
august for me has very much been a sitting myself tf down and re-evaluating some things on a personal level and particularly with what im willing or not to tolerate or look past, and generally just focusing mainly on being at ease and not being so anxious with shit. and part of that is deciding to be actually more firm when it comes to what makes me uncomfortable or that tugs on a trigger etc rather than brushing it off. and for me at least the little stepping stones have been nice to see myself navigate towards in the last couple weeks and im proud of myself for that, considering ive habitually chosen for years to bite my tongue when things boundaries or thoughts/feelings are pushed or disregarded etc.
august ive been mainly focusing on just being a little more at ease & at peace for the most part and, it feels generally not so stifling or uncomfortable being in my little spaces again as it kind of has been for a while. easing back into things slowly so the burnout on a few fronts ive been dealing with dont get overwhelming but its just feeling nicer in my spaces again & rekindling that fun & love with things too.
sometimes things are simply necessary for your own well-being, even if it seems & feels mean or cruel or isolating to do. sometimes you do need to consider yourself first, and thats okay.
anyways.
good morning & have a good day everyone, im sending you all kind vibes & kisses to the sky <3
#[ 𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘦. ] ── * the yappening.#i may still be sorta ?? quiet generally across the board but ive been poking at things bit by bit. just not stressing about it.#my biggest burnouts have mainly been w/ writing & then playing texas bc of certain energy being put out etc & despite texas'#on & off issues game-wise its just been nice to chill & goof off on call & not get worked up or stressed while playing recently.#i just feel cozier & after having things kinda numb me out on two fronts this year already im just happy feeling comfy again.#ANYWAYS ill slowly work on being Human again & do some prompt rebagels & inbox calls etc soon-ish. ive missed being more#active & generally more present / pleasant lmao the summer/heat depresso's been in overdrive but w/ things being at ease now#i feel a lot better generally & my minds alot clearer than its been in weeks. sorry ill shut up now but love & miss yall <3
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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !
#speculation nation#negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february#actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when#so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh#i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it#and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it#and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found#but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots#which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies
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I'm just kinda thinking over what could it been had things gone just. Just every so slightly better
Had some fundamentals been challenged further
Had the right words be spoken
Had they didn't go all in
It's just so sad, because I ultimately do see them working on the right scenarios, but they're all just...fantasy, a fleeting dream, the unreachable
Oughhhh I love them so much. They're so doomed
#perceptive little crow#this is about teopeka btw#i just listened to something good can work and it was like 'man. this would've been the ideal'#because YES i do believe the first phase of their relationship was full of hope for the future for both ends#peka just found himself on a new world that seemed detached from the previous. he could start anew#tbh tho teo simply followed out of pity and a bit of hopelessness. I wouldn't be surprised if her life was just kinda shaking a couple days-#before she met peka. and after seeing what he was capable of she kinda just....relaxed. knowing it may go well after all#it was a gamble she took. but damn did it pay off. and she gets to enjoy the benefits for a fair amount too#then The Incident happened#then a new department that was the opposite of what she advocate for formed on the company she wanted to create#then she started being pushed more and more on administrative/executive roles and was basically out of the field#then she felt disconnected of her world. her passion. her people#no place to go to no shoulder to land on. she wasn't alone she just....was a deeply lonely woman at the end#sorry. im not even sure if this actually fits the direction I'd like her to go to on my au/fanfic. but ig it fits#anyways. maybe had stuff gone differently she would've enjoyed the benefits all the way through#she maybe could've had both sides of the cake#who knows#it's just kinda interesting to think about the gambles she took went it came to hlev/peka. both on moments of desperation/loneliness#both the same weird ass guy that she saw at first and went 'what the fuck is his deal'#both just...so endearing she can't help but love them#maybe she needs them as much as they need her#maybe any and all their relationships never were meant to last#but that's kinda dooming it further and honestly I'd like to see a happy ending (where i get to be with my crush x3!!!!!!)#so I'll leave one side to rot and the other to bloom. easy.#sorry im rambling too much now. night night
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I can't stress enough that. This upcoming event makes more sense when you consider RAD Weekend as not the end all of VBS's story or the thing that they are going for (especially because recent events make it clear they don't see it like that anymore) and rather... Something they HAVE to do. I have been all about how surpassing this event limits them and, yeah maybe I would have liked for them to have turned away from it entirely, but it is also a very important thing to all of them. Even when they have recognised that RAD Weekend isn't all they can do, they are still exceptionally stubborn kids that have said they would be doing this for a year. Of course they aren't going to let their dream stretch to its full potential until they get it done!!
Surpassing RAD Weekend isn't VBS's dream, rather it is a stepping stone towards what they truly want. It is quite literally the wall that keeps them from their true goal, a wall they had built around themselves that they are going to tear down.
#it is why they are doing it now. because at this point rad weekend isn't their end (maybe it never was and they just hadn't figured it out)#i do also believe that it is important that they get to grow past that event. and while i have my thoughts on how it has come about#we are getting at least another 2/3 years that explore what they will be doing after this event#the question around RW for me always was “what's next?”#so i am truly excited for what they will be doing next. and i am glad sekai is going to be exploring that#i don't think i would have been happy with RW being their end. since it leaves the question of what would they do after in the air#and that wouldn't be as satisfying#i also don't get the crowd saying this is throwing their development down the drain since. they aren't going away?#they're still going to have events they're still going to progress#if anything RW being done lets them develop more since. they may be beginning to relax now#idk i just. yeah#this is going to be my last post on the whole discourse bit of this event. from now on i'll just be throwing my thoughts out#when i can read the event itself
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Every once in a while I think about my old L.upin III s/i and the whole situation they had going on with him and man...
#pan rambles#My ramble is gonna be a bit somber so feel free to just scroll past it!#but anyways#I think about that insert a lot#They didn't want the life of a thief#They only started because their mother was being tricked by loan sharks to they simply stole from said loan sharks-#(oh yeah. this s/i had a mother and she's her whole character and e everything.)#(Most my s/is have parents but I never delve on them because their relationship with them is bad/complicated usually)#(this one is different mainly bc was more based on my Sona which may be called Panchi but is like it's own separate entity from my inserts)#back to the point though.#They didn't want to become a thief but ultimately they stole and now they felt like they had no other choice but to continue#They meet friends ofc but they still feel guilt for their life of a thief. even if they're closer to a robin hood type of thief#they still feel guilty. And then they eventually meet L.upin#and like it or not...they become charmed by him. They're both leaders of their own groups and pretty smart.#The two were on opposing teams at first but their groups eventually get along and Panchi is happy. They were always happy to help L.upin#and eventually they realize that the reason they like helping him/seeing him is because they've fallen in love with him#They've fallen for the great L.upin the T.hird. The two have had their ship tease moments but it never went beyond that#And unfortunately for them...The love isn't quite requited. There's this scene between him and F.ujiko at the end of Part 5 that just.#Hurts Panchi. The feeling that the one they love-the first person they fell for simply loves someone else.#oh man that reminds me of this moment in Part 4. Da Vinci gives each character a challenge of sorts near the end#Panchi was placed in a Perfect Dream world and their challenge was to find what was wrong with it/to snap out of it#what snaps them back to reality was the fact that L.upin wasn't in the “perfect” dream world. Their feelings for him were that strong#Anyways. point is. This s/i has a life they didn't want and in the end didn't get the guy-#It's quite a melancholic s/i when I think about them too hard. they work so much and never catch a break#A part of me still does like L.upin and wants to go back to shipping him but then I just get insecure (?) I guess. it's so strange#but anyways! haha thank you to anyone who listened to my kinda sad ramble!#I miss L.upin a lot. He has a special place in my heart
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#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me?#i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her#but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav#a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭#ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now#while im still a bit elevated#which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends#we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science#we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r#leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here#support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here#and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact#my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun#and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful#but im just really happy i got accepted here#and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering#the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy#means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved#this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b#honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh#its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop#and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better#its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and#this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt#ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like#defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr#unrelated#meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH#R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away
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Read ~60 chapters of Chainsaw Man today, WHEWWWWW-
#dee p thoughts#overall review so far: pretty good. author's style is very distinct and potentially offputting/unhinged so I 1000% get someone not liking#this for that reason. theres a lot of food for thought to chew on among it so I enjoy it tho. but I do think the plot in terms of arcs and#how they tie into character development/progression can be very...fast and sudden? couldve used more time to make the progressions more#gradual and natural feeling imo which is where I think the anime expanding on scenes enhances this. ex: aki's care for power and denji is#very sweet but it also feels a bit sudden in terms of...well how to word this? like it ultimately MAKES SENSE but the turning point makes i#feel like his care stems from them almost dying reminding him of himeno as opposed to. caring about them afdadljbkndlkj- yes its establishe#that aki views denji kind of as a little brother but they couldve had the trio cook a little longer imo like at that point I dont really#feel aki has had much connection to power either tbh but...I get it I get why lol-#THO I WILL GIVE THAT THE SUDDENNESS FEELING MAY STEM FROM ME READING ~60 CHAPTERS YEAH. just like? denji's relationship with makima has mor#gradual progression than the trio's imo which makes sense but we should strengthen the trio bond for extra impacttt-#thinking deeper I do think aki has individual moments with denji and power has individual moments with denji so its probably the lack of ak#interacting with power that makes me feel the trio isnt fully baked lol. kind of just shown annoyance and then happiness at her not throwin#vegetables and now you dont want her to die I guess thats what makes me feel something is missinggg#which makes sense at the end of the day I guess? whats important is their relationship with denji not each other? but eh still I guess we'l#jot this down as a personal preference of mine
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I've only been practicing drawing different angles of heads for two days now and I'm already so excited at the results I'm getting in just this silly sketch of Leo alone
#rambling#I'm trying to improve my art in all kinds of ways with making myself draw heads at different angles being one of them#since it's always been one of my weak points in terms of anatomy#so getting to see how good this sketch of Leo came out after practicing drawing heads at different angles first made me really happy#I'm shooting to make my art more dynamic but also expressive especially bc Leo's my most expressive OC so I Gotta do it for him#But that being said this may be for an ask that I got a little bit ago but didn't have the motivation or the time to tackle until now#so I'm excited about that too KLSDGKJJSDGKLJ But I'm also going to treat myself and draw him in another outfit as a treat#This is just one out of possibly two outfit WIPs for funsies#Also new signature reveal for this blog yeehaw!
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