#it makes me so emotional bc ive been there and I know how much that step means | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lunarharp · 2 months ago

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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles

#dragon age tag #i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below #weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type #it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me #if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year #almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol #tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3 #and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me #but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me #sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points #witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too #which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3 #my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free #Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...

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vampirecatprince · 1 year ago

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The fact that I've listened to Euclid HUNDREDS of times but it can still randomly hit just right and make me cry tho

#its such a gut punch /pos after the absolute journey of the rest of the album and its so pretty #its so optimistic despite some of the dark lyrics in it and it just resonates with me so much #it really feels like the musical equivalent of that point in recovery where you go 'FUCK IT IM GONNA AT LEAST *TRY* TO BE HAPPY'#and that's such a huge step when you've been that low and don't feel like you deserve it #it makes me so emotional bc ive been there and I know how much that step means #that song is probably the entire reason that one of our alters resurfaced as Vessel #sleep token #sleep token tmbte

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pandoratheprocrasticreator · 1 year ago

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no by all means keep judging cartoon villains solely by if they get redeemed in the end. i know some of us like to talk about other stuff like characterization or entertainment value or nuance as something that makes a good villain. but i think the only thing that actually matters is if the villain ends up on good terms with the protagonist at the end. all the Good TM cartoons with Good TM creators make the villains die a Horrible Death for being Abusers or whatever. and all the Bad TM cartoons with Bad TM creators Forgive Fascists by not making them get publicly executed by the 14 year old protagonist in front of the 8 year old target demographic.

i mean im so glad that more cartoons nowadays are subverting the psyop to support fascists that a few queer artists and queer shows definitely invented in 2017. there are so many popular cartoons doing that. it's almost like there are more properties killing their villains now and in the past than there ever were of properties that didn't do this. and it's almost like whether the villain gets redeemed at the end is more about the context of the story and its themes leading up to a narratively sound decision.

but you know. a few queer shows made by trans ppl were popular and they didn't kill their fascists and even had the gall to make them nuanced while also looking into the harm they did. guess it's trendy to forgive your abusers now because like two cartoons said so. out of like 40 other similarly high profile works that just straight up hit their villains with a bus or smth. by all means. keep heaping praise onto that one show about how they "let their villain just be evil" instead of talking about anything more interesting. that's so subversive, everyone's doing it!

#shut up pandora #check off my 'monthly rant about the treatment of the creators of steven universe and she ra'#this is because of the 'praise' ive been seeing for belos btw #yes i love his panache i love how much he fucks up everything and i love how hes beyond redemption #thats not because he was Born Evil and has always Been Evil???#ppl who show baby belos going out of his way to make calebs life a living hell and evelyn Rescuing this poor blond boy from his Evil Brothe #i am sending so many bad vibes at you rn #he isnt a good villain bc dana terrace decided to be 'subversive' by not redeeming belos #JUST being subversive while writing the story doesnt mean you make a good story being subversive =/= being good #hes a good villain because while his decisions are dogshit we can understand why he made them on an emotional level #and since gravity falls seems to be the golden standard for modern cartoons i guess #bill cipher also isnt a good villain bc hes evil and they killed him #bill is a good villain bc hes entertaining in the threat he poses #what makes a character a good villain is about stuff they do while theyre being a villain #dont just sum it up with 'duhhh they killed them at the end so its good' thats entirely dependent on the story!#anyway this is specifically about modern western cartoon fandoms #if youre telling me to watch shows that arent modern western cartoons or like. read a book then know that i do that already #this stuff isnt as big of a discourse topic in those circles but im talking about this specific circle rn

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orcelito · 8 months ago

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Thinking about using the journal I got for writing my dad's eulogy for trying to process my grief with it. The letter from me I found in his lockbox is still in that front sleeve, along with one of the memorial folders they had at the funeral.

I think I don't want to write it all on here. I think I've talked about my emotions too much as of late.

#speculation nation #negative/#kind of. i guess.#the thing about grief is that it really just never ends.#so im done with the funeral. the time is over. here i am. hes dead. im alive. time to move on.#but it's not that simple. of course it's not.#but would my followers who followed me just for my writing even Care?#honestly surprised i havent lost more followers. or any? idk i havent been paying much attention to numbers #but i know it hasnt really gone down much if at all #i just feel. like im not the person that people initially followed.#and i dont know when im going to be that person again.#there's no enthusing here. anytime im making text posts it's about The Situation.#i wonder how evident my grief is to you all. i feel it in my every breath.#i havent been working yet i feel weak. it's hard to feel much at all.#either im existing and im helping with packing or im crying again bc i remembered my dad cant help me pick out a car now #(in the Vaguely In The Future me buying a used car idea. for after i get my license. whenever that is.)#or im crying bc of jackets or colognes or a letter in a lockbox or a stupid minions hat picture in a too-big frame #or laughing bc Dad In A Bag (his ashes are downstairs. im far too unbothered by their presence)#ive been having an... okay time. we watched Dune today and i started building a lego set. it was nice.#but im only ever Okay. emotions hard to access. interests certainly not accessible.#making it hard to be creative at all. im literally only going through the motions here.#theres no heart. i left it behind when i got that 2 am call and had to rush to the hospital to watch my dad die.#i left it behind when i touched his cold arm for the last time. when i walked out of that room & knew id never see him again.#i know a week is still far too soon to be over it. but im sick of feeling this way.#it still doesnt feel real. feels like im following the bad end route just to see. i should still be able to reload my past save.#but this is my life now. forever until the end. out of nowhere hes dead and hes never coming back #and it's just really fucking hard to care about just about Anything else right now.#i prommy im gonna use the journal next time i get the urge to vent about this. im sick of this crap too.

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

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pepprs · 2 years ago

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crying again lol ok

#purrs #and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking #damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I #miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out #FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks #being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i #even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just #text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or #at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju #just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an #and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be #been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode #and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b #be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a #breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing #on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here #delete later #like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway #and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy.#retreat tag

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whimsysalesman · 1 year ago

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having Big Feelings in the tags. you neednt read them, but you should go drink water and stretch your eyes

#makin one of those posts thats all tags bc i need to just do emotions for a sec #98% of the time i fuckin love being aroace. i like how i exist in the world and our flags fucking baller #but wooo boy that 2% of the time (my current state)#nothin makes you stare into space despondently while crying silently like knowing therenothing *wrong* w you per se #but there something fundamental to your existence that means your emotional needs will very likely never be met the way you need them to be #my roommate whom i love with my whole entire soul has their partner over whom i also love with my whole entire soul #and its making me so agonizingly jealous bc i want what they have so badly it actually literaly fucking aches in my chest #i want the banter and the cuddling and the intimacy and the love. the goodnight phonecalls and the undeniable proof that i am loved just #as much as i love and that i am a peiority in someone else's life to the same degree that i prioritize them #but i know i dont get to have that because i cant do it the way almost anybody wants #i want to fall asleep next to someone but i dont want to date. i wont do it. it makes me so uncomfortable #but without performing romance theres almsot no chance ill get to have that kind of deeply intertwined life #and like. i love my friends dearly and deeply. i vall them the loves of my life bc they are #but even those relationships wont get to be like what i want so bad. they all have or want romance and i know how that works #it doesnt matter that they love me too because when you have a partner thats the priority. i get it. its fine.#i dont mind stepping back from my friends to give them room to build the lives they want.#i jusy want somone to want to build a life with *me*#dont mind me in just tired and sad and experiencing the agonies of being 22 #theres a part of me that looks at all this and just says 'maybe someday' but ive been living off nothing bu 'someday' most of my life #and im dead fucking tired of it #idk man maybe im just mentally ill and have mommy issues who knows #anyway im going to bed now #if you know me irl and you read all this 1)this is NOT meant to imply youre doing something wrong. not your fault amatonormativity is this #2) ill be fine i just need to sleep and 3) i love you more than i know how to say and i always will no matter what shape our lives take

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inhiatusfromlife · 1 year ago

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#i should be studying for an exam i wont pass but like #i love korean so much it makes so much sense for my brain and the way i think about stuff and i love the way you express something in korea #it's different from italian but it still makes sense to me i don't know how to explain it #i can't speak it well enough yet but still i don't think i like it bc of kdramas i think i like kdramas because of korean #or maybe the writers are just that good idk #also it's been an emotional week ive been getting emotional over everything so now im getting emotional over the korean language LMAO #back to statistical mechanics i guess ahah xd (ill never graduate ever)

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caruliaa · 2 years ago

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yk i think like. im trying desperately not to depress people around me w how close to doomerism i can veer but like. at a certain point its like. the effort and exhaustion that goes into maintaining just being alive in this world is not worth what comes from being alive and like. girlies we may have reached it. el oh el.