#i dont know if i want to make new friends and connections anymore
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I feel like when anything happens controversy wise in the mcyt community, everyone jumps to be a part of it, theres this weird idea that if you arent taking action and speaking out then you are complicit in whatever is happening. This attitude is directed at the smallest random blogs to all the ccs. Its like to be considered a good person you have to take action against whatever the new "evil" is or you agree with it. So people grab their pitchforks and go off to hunt anyone who isnt participating in attacking the "bad people". You have to make a statement you have to make sure youre doing your duty, doing your role in defeating the evil. I saw the phrase "this isnt just drama this is abuse and its serious, not a fad" thrown around a lot when shubble spoke about her abuse, except all the people saying it were using it as a reason to attack anyone who wasnt taking action. And most of those people forgot about it already, they dont still talk about it and they dont seem to care beyond being a part of something, so they can pat themselves on the back and say "I did something, I helped defeat evil". I see it all the time whenever any controversy happens for anything Im into and it sucks, people stop being people if they arent doing whatever the crowd expects of them, if you arent fighting and making statements then you obviously agree with whatever the new evil is. Sorry, this is kinda long and rambley but this is a frustration ive had for a while. People forget that people are people, especially the ccs. Tommys evil if he doesnt say how much he hates wilbur , when he makes a song talking about how much the internet sucks hes a hero now because obviously this is his statement saying how much he hates wilbur, and he even made it a song! good job tommy. Lets overanalyze the song and pick it apart till he isnt a person anymore, hes an idea, hes the idea of hating wilbur, not his own person. The song couldnt have multiple meanings or be a complaint about the internet as a whole and his experiences as a whole, its just about wilbur, because thats who tommy is, hes part of wilbur and he needs to say how much he hates that part of himself to be forgiven for the crime of being friends with someone who was bad. Theres no one who was friends with wilbur who isnt a part of him and they all need to take a knife and publically cut themselves apart to proclaim their hatred of him, how they dont want to be a part of him thats just how it is. I really do hate the internet sometimes, it feels like no one is a person anymore except for whoevers hated, everything else is just connected to them, and has to be torn apart brutally by the masses or theyre bad and complicit or your bad and complicit, everyone has to speak out, even the people who just watched his videos, even the people who were friends with him who may be having a hard time, even the people who dont know who he is, even their pets, they all have to make a statment or they are part of him and his abuse.
I agree with this anon, and I think that a lot of this race to moral perfection really was just people getting swept up under the pressure of others 😔
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#like i definitely need therapy lol#not that i havent tried in the past nothings just worked/stuck like the therapists werent a good fit for me perhaps#so im trying to reach out again because holy shit#i want to a) get out of my phd and b) have normal fucking friendships#but its so hard right now when anxious thoughts take over SO much some days like i know i cannot do this on my own#i have good friends i know who will hear me out#but man its the same thing over and over again with me but in a new font sometimes i swear#and my friends dont need to hear all those anxious depressive thoughts lol like#once in a while sure esp my closer friends but all the time? nawr#i have been trying to journal but man the emotions just bubble up and i dont feel better until ive like said things out loud#so honestly just having someone to rant about the same issues over and over again might be nice lol .#but i need to find a therapist that fits which is the hardest part#i do think ive made small strides on my own which is nice#but the emotions are just so loud and genuinely affect my day to day like its so hard battling things on my own#im at the point now where im like this cant go on for much longer somethings gotta change#if i want to have a phd in the next year and if i want to maintain friendships normally#and esp if i wanna stay roommates with this girlie cuz holy shit its been a lot harder than i expected maybe#i dont think i can do it on my own without major reprecussions#bro its also been like so long#i feel like ive always had some human i was extremely fond of for the past ?? years albeit most of them were like fake right like in the kp#*kpop world so it was fine when it becomes a real person it is absolutely terrible let me tell u .#but its also been a habit like i didnt realize how terrible my thoughts w ys were until now cuz they really wernet normal thoughts at all#like i want to break free of having these kind of attachments to people in a way cuz the only way i feel like ive been able to deal with bi#feelings is by transferring them to a new subject which isnt what i want anymore#like i just want it all to stop!#i also feel like mentally ive gotten worse ?? than before ?? in some ways like#i dont know if i want to make new friends and connections anymore#the same way i was trying so hard in the previous year which is worse bc now my efforts are like#SOLELY on this one girl in a way which is NOT. GOOD.#ive been trying to have conversations with the third roommate but i have to force myself?
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spoilers for the latest dungeon meshi ep but oh my GODDD i love marcille my pobrecita.. i think ryoko kui wrote sexism's effects on marcille really well, i think it's neat how she's a silly little guy and other people kind of underestimate her and it seems she is often down on herself about her failures or, "burdening" others in a way that feels very authentic to how it feels to be a woman and have that extra pressure of perfection to dispell suspicions of your inferiority. it's just very much the feeling i gather from it which makes marcille so relatable. and then to put another layer on it when it came out that she did black magic, she's literally A Bad Ass she is LITERALLY a Badass which makes her doubt of herself even more starkly inappropriate, and in this new episode despite the Fact that she is A Bad Ass when everyone's being a BIG MEANIE to her she's like a sad puppy when people don't let her help with revivals and like idk if i missed something but she doesn't even push back against them saying they're going to turn her in in like, a threatening way, she is just... scared. which hurt me i just wanted everyone stop being so MEAN TO HERRR my POBRECITAAAA. MY TINY LITTLE BABYY
i also laughed a lot and freaked out catching up on the two latest episodes today. DEVASTATING miscalculation on chilchuck's part to protect senshi when laois has No sense of Social cue. really happy to see laois and kabru meet, they're really funny together and i see why people like them so much as a ship now!! i am ECSTATIC that shuro is out of the game in terms of ehem. courting falin. bro COULDN'T HACK IT gEDDEM marcille. get that red dragon lady.. and omg it made me SOOOO MAD that they tried to blame marcille for that like how could that even b her fault!!! >:((( its obv the mad mage's doing. i dont get it they r just big meanies!!! stop shitting on my girl!!!
i like how kabru is like laios if he had more social awareness and was a litle Conniving... and omfg i thought it was so funny and sweet how shuro and laios just fucking beat each other up 😭 shuro said i hate autistic ppl fr. no but im glad he showed up for laios & co. in the end.. sometimes you just gotta talk ur feelings out over a fistfight lol
it was soo so fun seeing everyone interact .. all these fun characters... i cant wait to see what happens next!!! i love this show literally one of my fav animes EVER now definitely its so good its SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!! im terrified not knowing when its gonna end and how im gonna cope when the season ends 🗿 methinks i will have to read the manga instantly after or i will go insane from dungeon meshi withdrawal..
#dungeon meshi spoilers#this is totally just me rambling this show makes me so happyyyy#i usually hate rewatching stuff but idk if i just want to take everything or what#but i had a process of watching it like. rewatch old ep then watch new ep#and i also rewatched it all around ep 13 or something#but i think im going to rewatch it again just because I love ... so much..#is so good... need dunmeshi ..#i also need to develop my senshi tulpa more so my life is less disastrous#at least in terms of food and sleep#i slept until 7pm and then ate 3meals in a row so -_- need that senshi tulpa#lol the way laios did the im stronger than u thing but listed his food and sleep sched. as the reason 😭😭😭😭 beautiful . so beautiful#it makes me SAD that they tried to kill falin but realistically what else could they do.. i just dont want laios think monsters r all bad#or the rest of the crew. anymore...#may b theyre just friends and its the mad mages fault :((#and then kabru was like u have to kill orcs and im like NOOOOOOOOOo dont DO THAT#i was so SHOCOKED. SHOCKEKD when so many ppl were wiped out by falin. literally crazy sauce. broooo#i wuv dungeomeshi so much......#also i just have to say that shuro n laios fight? p gay...ngl#laios n falin r so similar its just falin is um. well better at masking#the Autism Twins (insert flame font(#its like i think shuro's feelings r genuine n not shallow for falin but i also dont think he knows her as well as he thinks.#i mean apparently he is Poor at connecting with others#love those guys. silly guys. the lot of em#chilchuck's being mad at marcile for black magic is a lot less annoying 2 me now that i know. other ppls react WAYYY worse#wuv em
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When you and your teammate are some of the only sober reasonable adults with emotional regulation skills and common sense on the squad and may now be building a quasi friendship out of semi-regular bitching sessions to determine how to sort shit out amongst the children or if we should just let it combust organically
#is this a friendship i think its a friendship we're starting to talk a little about nonrugger things amongst the rugger drama#i mean its mostly rugger oriented as thats our connecting interest but amongst the much needed bitching/problem solving#there is pieces of outside life filtering in which is nice#yes if i seem a little fixated on friendship its because i have very little locally and im audhd so its been lonely reaching 30#realizing all but a few of my relationships in life have been built on the value/use i bring rather than who i am as a person#and that almost all my local queer friendships were deeply unhealthy for various reasons. save maybe two.#so joining the rugger club was two fold- new sport and nee community. the friend aspect has been hard because I don't know how#to genuinely make friends anymore as my authentic self. i just dont. i just know how to be useful.#i know how to be needed#id like to be wanted
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is all life is for me anymore is just feeling so devastatingly lonely to the point where i barely feel like im functioning anymore lol
#handling things worse than i thought perhaps.#i dont doubt my friends love me but i can feel the anxiety in my throat again.#i know im difficult to deal with and sometimes maybe i do just wanna wallow with the idea that#i'll never be able to connect with people in the way i want.#i know its not true and i try not to be so down on myself anymore and it doesnt happen as often or as bad as it used to#i just dont feel good right now. everything feels slightly off and im dazed and feel like i make the wrong moves everywhere#well. w/e. i have things to do i cant afford to sit around and keep moping.#news with isaac
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Loneliness may be the worst of feelings.
#or isolation i guess#i know i have friends#i just#cant talk to anyone#and nothing makes it better#it needs to be someone in our heart properly#which is so rare#or at least someone who gets it#and no one in our life gets it#no one has DID or knows about RA or really knows most of us#except k and we know shes been wildly abusive#and i know the only way to change it is to.... meet new people#people who live close by#and for people who get it i guess it has to be online#but then you have to build those connections and i need someone now#like right nkw#i dont want to be alone in the world anymore
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whining hours . sry
#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i#just cant imagine it happening again#like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g#to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit#the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t#go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation#+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out#rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking#out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that#and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache#way too quickly and then explode or something. idk#i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots#and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont#have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me#+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk#theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have#stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is#for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part#makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny#it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very#aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate#conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think#itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th#weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk#i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up#<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im#just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but#wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me#like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to#talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings
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Real (a little rant of mine below, i start complaining on it so just.. ignore it lmfao)
I know life is full of goodbyes and hellos and sometimes you go away from people you love and sometimes they go away from you and that’s the way things are but I just hate it. I hate saying goodbye I hate letting go. I hate missing people.
#little rant based on this#i fucking hate goodbyes#sometimes i feel like its the better thing to do though. i don't wanna make people deal with me and as much as id like to just come back#i know i need to just leave them alone and let them move on with their lives. its the right thing to do#it still hurts. it hurts a lot. its just that way#people move on. i dont know why i cant just let go. i know these same people dont care about me or even think about me late at night#but i do. its all i do. i lay awake at night thinking about what could have been if i had just stayed or i could be friends with them again#it's a cycle#just something in life you have to deal with and I know im not special when i complain about stuff like this#i hate getting attached to people and knowing that eventually im going have to move on. to just.. stop. like everyone else#nothing lasts forever and this is a known fact. i know. i just idk.#i don't know or even want to make friends anymore. i dont think i can. my mind subconsciously compares experiences#with people i used to know and people that i just dont talk to anymore#i hate goodbyes so much that it resulted in pushing majority of everybody away because i cant stand the thought of them leaving#or i cant stand thought of possibly hurting them with anything i do. so i just leave first.#and sometimes i find myself coming back when I know i should let people go. I text them. I try to make conversation but then delete it#i think im being repetitive but ive just been really unmotivated and depressed lately#i hate being lonely but im scared of making new connections with people#and im scared to try and rekindle of what i once had with other people that i used to know#because most of the time they dont really wanna rekindle something that had no flame begin with#anyways i'm rambling#idk why i even did this.#if you read this 💀 bro why
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i feel like Evbo and Emf are different from most of everyone in parkour civilization, and it really adds to their dynamic
i like to think park civ culture is big on improving and looking after yourself and it makes most people not value one another or even have bonds or connections
This is especially apparent in the noob level where people would die quickly so its better to not get attached
and in the master level where you often form enemies than anything
even in the pro level its all about focusing on improving your own skills and doing your own thing. Most park civ citizens are closed off and dont bat an eye on other people, its the norm
Those two are one of the few people who helps others before themselves when it comes to it. I mean, theyre the only two people who actively did anything to fix the system
Evbo has always been someone who encourages others and wants to see others progress besides himself, indiscriminately
and emf seems to be someone who wants to help others (evbo), at first for the sake of greater good and a second time (jumping into the void) just because he wants to help his friend
Put two people who's whole thing is valuing another and have rarely ever been genuinely valued themself by others and you get yourself A Dynamic For Sure.
maybe emf's whole thing s'that he has always been one who helps the people he wants to succeed, but he never thought of himself succeeding anymore than what he already is. After all master is the highest he's sure he can get.. and his skills are very average for his rank. This is where he belongs, and he plays the part, as a small insignificant piece of a collective. He can't actually do more as himself, no that's evbo's thing! He's amazing and he's a walking talent, what emf is Supposed to do is support him!
But then suddenly, Evbo risked his life just to save him, and trusted him to be the new parkour champion
Him, emf, some nobody.
why? What did someone so great, someone who'd ascended above the highest rank he'd even known, see in someone so average?
but to Evbo, emf is so much more than average.
The average doesnt help him, doesnt believe in him, doesnt give him the chances to be able to be where he is at now, doesnt jump into the void like an idiot with no sure return. He's so so different than 'the average', Evbo has a trust and, dare i say, love for Emf that doesnt exist anywhere in parkour civilization
nowhere to anyone but to him and him only.
He was the first stars Evbo ever had seen. To evbo..
He doesn't look like the night sky,, the night sky looks like him.
They place a pedestal for one another in their own heads and i think that's precious.
In a civilization where everybody looks forward at the jumps in front of them and barely to their sides, to the people jumping with them
They look each other in the eyes, with a care and appreciation that's worth an extremely gay legend to be written about in parkour only to be summed up to "they were best friends" don't you know what it means to be more than allies in Second Era Parkour Civilization???
#parkour civilization#ghoust writing#pk civ#pkciv#parkciv#park civ#parkour civilisation#mavbo#evbo#emf#emf parkour civilization#emf parkciv#evbo’s master friend#parkour civilization evbo#evbo pkciv#its almost midnight fuck fuck fuckkk#ghoust headcanons
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pick a pile: your 2024 predictions 🪅
paid readings: ❀ kofi ❀ info ❀
note: this is a collective message, take what resonates and leave what doesn't ! choose the picture that speaks the most to you ☆
.・。.・゜✭
pile one ₊ ⊹
a song that might be significant during the year: magic shop - bts
an animal that might be of significance: walrus
spring:
in 2024 you will begin to feel indifferent about your current career lifestyle. you will notice that you need help and guidance when it comes to being overloaded with work and responsibilities. this will lead to getting new ideas on how to manage your work, not being all by yourself with it anymore. you are also going to find a new hobby, something that has been interesting you for a while but you have been too afraid to try. dont be scared to try something new, I see that youre scared of the judgement and would rather hide that passion of yours, its time to let go and free yourself from peoples expectations.
summer:
summer of 2024 is going to take a wild turn. someone new will come in, if youre in a relationship already your connection will deepen greatly. a chapter of your life and people in it will be left behind in order to fulfill this. you will be way more confident in yourself, not only when it comes to work but also when it comes to your emotions. I see you embracing the tower moment because you know the storm won't last long. your inner masculine will awaken and dominate during this period.
fall:
during the times where the leafs fall, you will be thinking of changing things up a notch. you will be pondering a lot about what kind of future you want to have. youre being encouraged to not fall down the rabbit hole of constantly being in your own head during this time. I see here that you will spend time with friends, but also with yourself a lot. be good to yourself and dont underestimate your power.
winter:
you will be entering winter with a lot of romance and passion, you and your destined person will take a step further during this time. this might take up some restless nights and make you anxious about commitment with this person. you will have to make the decision, whether or not you are ready for it, I see that deep down you are but your worries blind your vision. know that success is within you, you just have to take the path to find it.
.・。.・゜✭
pile two ₊ ⊹
a song that might be significant during the year: late night talking - harry styles
an animal that might be of significance: horse
spring:
the spring of 2024 will bring a rapid change. you will be influenced a lot, but will have to find the strength and courage to go your own way. a lot of people will be removed from your life during this time, this will be a good change. it might be hard at first, go easy only yourself and remember that the universe sends and removes people from or into your life for a reason, some stay for a season and some for a lifetime. the ones that no longer serve you will disconnect from your energy.
summer:
after the turbulent energy from the spring time, things will turn out great for you in summer. when it comes to your connections, you will be much closer to the people you love and form a great divine union with them. as well as more confidence, your career life will gain a lot of fortune, you will be in luck financially. nevertheless I see you being in your head a lot during these times, you sadly doubt yourself too much.
fall:
during fall, the universe will send you to your right path after seeing how much you've been in your head. they will send you information that will spark a light of hope in you, this will lead to you finally embracing confidence and taking the steps you were too scared to take before. the exhaustion from life will be gone during this time, its a good period to go above and beyond without taking on a too heavy load.
winter:
the winter time will be nostalgic for you, a lot of people from your past will come towards you to reconnect. this will be a hard decision for you to make, since some might not have treated you the fairest. you will need to go inside and check on yourself, what do you want? is it worth to risk another heartbreak, or will they finally treat you right? these will be questions following you during those times, be cautious but remember that you are a divine being, you will know what to do when the time is right.
.・。.・゜✭
pile three ₊ ⊹
a song that might be significant during the year: broken clocks - sza
an animal that might be of significance: panda
spring:
in 2024, you will finally free yourself. you will find ways to move forward and close the chapters that no longer serve you in the current times. I see you taking care of yourself a lot, being with the people you love and leaving behind the ones that have caused chaos in the past. financially, it's looking really good in spring. some fortune is on its way, maybe in ways you didn't expect it to come towards you.
summer:
during summer, I see you taking that financial gain to help people in need, your empathy peaks during this time a lot because you will notice how life has been giving you great fortunes. people will see you as a higher status after this, this could have pros and cons but nevertheless, you will have helped someone. this will grant them, but also you, happiness and fortune. remember that what you give to the world, you receive back twice as big.
fall:
fall is looking romantic and cozy, a deep emotional connection will be formed during these times. you will both take parts in healing each other, this could be past wounds or insecurities you carry around when it comes to love. this will help you regain your perspective on how you want to be treated and how you want to treat the ones you love. your love life is going to evolve to a higher status.
winter:
winter will bring similar energy, like the one you had in spring. this will be your final realization, a moment of light finally showing you the way. you and your person will make harsh decisions, but this will work out for the two of you in very good ways. the carefree energy combined with the fortune could be alarming, but for the most part it is actually the way you have always wanted to be.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜
reminder: a tarot reading is not absolute. this is for entertainment purposes only!! as a tarot reader, i will offer my opinion and advice, but will not interfere with the free will. any decisions made or actions taken by you as a result of a tarot reading are your sole responsibility. i will be honest in what i see and will not give false hopes or empty promises in order to keep you happy. a tarot reading does not replace professional opinion or advice. no refunds for paid readings !
#tarot#free tarot#tarot reading#reading#oracle#free readings#oracle reading#oracle messages#pick a card tarot#pick a card#pick a pile#pick a picture#pick a photo#2024 predictions#tarotcommunity#tarot cards#tarotblr#tarot community#divination#tarot card reading#shufflemancy#love tarot reading#tarot witch
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A positive Update
Friends, kind folk - Hello Again 🤍
Ever since my last update post, I've been thinking about it , a lot ;; I knew I needed time to cook and reflect, and im so glad I gave myself that...
2024 started rough for me; I fell severely ill again - I was too busy cursing my life and dwelling over how betrayed I felt by things still not getting better despite my efforts that I didn't realize I was walking into a self fulfilling prophecy. Its true that the struggles I'm going through are yet to be solved, that its gotten so much to the point giving up seemed easier, and that a couple individuals haven't been making it easier on me either; I swayed and i rattled and I steered within feelings ranging from confusion to anger to dismay and all of this back and forth did nothing but remind me of yet another self-destructive loop I just don't want to allow in my life anymore. Its exactly the kinda stuff that made me ill to begin with, and I've been so lost dealing with everything in between that i forgot to tend to the actual core centering all of this...
It grew unbearable how much emotional and physical turmoil I was pushing myself into, and knowing how intertwined these two elements have been; I had to draw a line before i majorly screwed myself over, gathering any bit of inner will to discipline myself back into some sort of clarity, enough to at least look through a lens OUTSIDE my pain for once, towards the kind of life I want to lead, and the kind of life I don't; and I came to an understanding.
From my physical state to my mental, to the people and memories I've experienced, both the good and the bad - I want to prioritize the good.
Not in a shitty ass, toxic optimism kinda way but in a "I want to prioritize knowing and living the possibility that even when it hurts, even when i want to be gone, even when life doesn't align - There's still every good reason in the world to keep moving forward, to face things from a perspective of growth & compassion, and to grow to love the promise of a better tomorrow even when today was unbearable." To know that I don't end or begin in my suffering, that the infinite potential I speak so fondly of applies to me, as well...
I want to be able to wield and create and share that goodness, too, Especially when it is already in decline...And for all gods sake, to internalize that all of this STILL exists and STILL matters even when it doesn't work the first couple or dozens of times.
As for my place here in Tumblr...I know the sentiment might feel silly to some but the experiences, memories, and connections I've made here have truly been such a significant force in my life, and i don't want to give up on that ;; Not because of my own insecurities, or an inner state of hopelessness, and especially not over a bunch of emotionally immature Anons that dont know how to handle themselves; I want to forgive all of that.
I'm stubborn, and there's an unyielding force within me that no matter how many times it is struck down, it proved itself ridiculously resilient. I'm perking up with with a fiery confidence realizing just how many times it rose back up, enough to realize it is an unchangeable part of me ;_; I shouldn't underestimate that force, and I want to keep living by its side. Whatever positive change I can sprinkle onto my life and the lives of those I care for, I will! And the reason why this space in particular is so important to me, is because so much of that already exists here, alongside you folks;
THAT'S the kind of energy i want to nourish and walk into the new year with! I want to continue growing as a person, challenging my inner turmoils, undoing the self punishing dogmas that still haunt me, stop flexing my teeth over things that don't deserve my time and god DAMN, just - indulge in the stuff that makes me happy, even when I'm going through unhappy times.
So yeah...I guess that means, I'm back & I'm staying ;_;)🧡
I know i may seem like a broken record when it comes to expressing gratitude but - Thank you, thank you thank you everyone who have reached out for me, who so fondly kept me in their thoughts and kept encouraging me whenever i was hurting, both then and now...You folks mean more than whatever ailment or struggle I can go through, and while I'm unsure of how the future will look like as I'm still going through various challenges- I couldn't have asked for a cooler, sweeter audience to have by my side whenever Its time to take a rest or hype over our sexy delicious blorbos!
Speaking of which....................I have been cooking quite a lot of things in the time i was away 👀✨ I most definitely intend to serve them, eheheh
#Ronkey Posts#Waving a tired yet happy hello#Back from the dead and ready to SLAY or just to relax and chill and remember that goodness is a force undying ;_;#i missed you folks so much...
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Chapter 2 Boyfriend Bonding
Cover made by @lizaluvsthis do not repost!
A Reboot of the next step! Last Chapter Next chapter Summary: SMG4 and SMG3 relationship changed after realizing their feelings in WOTFI 2023, now together the pair can take the next step together. That is until a strange gift arrives on SMG3's birthday making him face his demons from his past.
Tags: Fluff, Boyfriends, Love Confession, Watch Wotfi 2023 before reading, first love, mention of igloo
It was morning in the showgrounds, SMG3 woke up making himself a fresh cup of coffee. The events from yesterday felt like a dream, he looks around the room he is in “Living in SMG4 castle…my..” he blushes remembering the title his ex rival now carried. If someone told SMG3 back when he was a villain he would be calling SMG4 his boyfriend, he is pretty sure he would make sure that person wouldn't be able to speak again. After he grabs his cup of coffee he decides now would be a good time to catch up on reading, he walks to the guest room of the castle and settles himself in. Relaxing in the guest room he takes a sip of his coffee, then takes out ‘redeemed super villains weekly’ a magazine series he picked up after becoming friends with his ex rival.
He flips through the pages and notices the hit new interview is about a villain that changed to a hero all for love. He wondered if that's what really motivated the change in him, the connection he felt with SMG4. The moment their hands intertwined, the surge of warmth he felt. Was that the moment he first fell for the man, seeing him fight not just for the world but for his friends. SMG3 hums to himself lost in thought, until his boyfriend kicks the door open “AHHH!” SMG3 lets out a high pitch scream. SMG4 blinks seeing the coffee fly in the air landing on the floor, he then stares bug eyed at his boyfriend “SMG3! Uh i'm sorry about that,” he lets out a sheepish smile. He places his laptop on the table in the room before running out to get items to clean the mess.
SMG3 lets out a shaky breath as Four returns with cleaning products, he starts cleaning the mess as SMG3 glares at him “WHAT THE HELL?! You know not to bother me on Saturdays, it's SMG3 time where I drink coffee and do other things. So what is so important you kick the door down?” SMG4 finishes up the cleaning and gets up, giving his partner a wink. Grabbing his laptop he sits next to SMG3 showing him a list of locations, Three looks at the locations lost on what his boyfriend was up to. “Since we are planning to keep it low with our relationship, i was thinking we can do these couple challenges to warm up on being a couple!”
Three squints at the list, looking at all the challenges made the man want to walk out of the room. He turns to see SMG4 giving him a hopeful looking, Three sighs looking down “I have to ask man, Best chef? Dress me up? These challenges sound fucking stupid dont tell me you got them from wikihow?” SMG4 blushes at being caught, he looks to the side “un no?” He clears his throat in hopes that his boyfriend doesnt push the topic anymore. He points to the list determined to get Three to agree with one, he checked all over the internet and it all told him that the best way to bond with your partner is to do activities together. He always wanted a relationship, sure he wanted a girlfriend but it didn't change that he felt lonely for so long. Finally understanding what these strange emotions were with SMG3, well he couldn't be happier. Sure they were rival’s for years, but after fighting for so long he finally understood this all happened because they misunderstood each other. Now that they are together he needs to work harder, nothing will break them apart. “Doesn't matter man, I did some research last night and these challenges help bring couples closer together!”
He turns giving a soft look at SMG3, he blushes at the expression. With a sigh he looks at the list knowing he had lost to his boyfriend, he then points to one of the challenges. Excited SMG4 peeks to see what was picked “We all know im the better chef, after all Marty wanted my pizza recipe! Heh I doubt a scrub like you could do better!” SMG3 smirks at his partner. SMG4 lets out a chuckle, a smug expression on his face “I remember you burning eggs when we were stuck together, I doubt your cooking is that amazing.”
The pair nod as they run out looking for judgings for the event, SMG4 notices Meggy and Tari arriving. With a bright smile he starts his approach only to be pushed aside by his boyfriend, SMG3 turns around sticking his tongue out at him before reaching the girls. Four glares at his partner watching the exchange “Hey Squid, me and smg4 are going to have a cooking competition. We need judges to try out our cooking.” SMG3 points to the castle, Tari gasps excited at the invitation “Meggy lets do it!” seeing her friend's reaction she lets out a small giggle “Okay, we are in!” Three smiles hearing the agreement.
The girls walk into the castle ready to take their place, while SMG3 smirks at his boyfriend. With that the men go inside setting up the kitchen with the ingredients needed for the event, given this was SMG4 castle and Mario’s house they mostly had ingredients for pasta. Three looks at everything frowning “Um wont this stuff just summon Mario?” Four chuckles giving Three a pat on his back “Mario is on a vacation with Bowser, I doubt a cooking battle with pasta would bring him back!” Three rolls his eyes “You underestimate our Avatar's love for spaghetti.”
Meggy walks to the kitchen and smiles at them “Alright ready boys? LETS COOK!” she hits a bell before leaving the room. The boys then begin to cook, SMG4 chuckles to himself as he cooks. Being friends with the plumber for so long has trained him in the arts of pasta, there was no way his boyfriend would beat him. Four turns to check on the competition when his eyes go wide, there he sees Three picking up two cans of beans and starts to dump it in the pot. He then watches as his partner slices the tomatoes, SMG4 lets out a small smile “Oh well beans to pasta shouldn't be too bad.”
The moment Four relaxed is when Three took out a bottle of hot sauce and started pouring it into the spaghetti sauce. Watching the sight was worse than any horror game SMG4 had to play through, deciding to be the best boyfriend he can be, he walks up to the man. SMG3 was humming to himself as he cooks, he pauses when he feels someone grabbing his arm. He turns to see his partner giving him a small smile “Yes?” now having his attention Four points to the man's pot. Three crosses his arms staring at Four “Um Three, you do know beans and hot sauce aren't really a thing put together for spaghetti?” Three scoffs “You don’t know the true power of beans, amusing to see it will be your downfall scrub!” he then blushes slowly slipping his arm away from Four. With a sigh SMG4 walks back to his station, while he cooks he couldn't help peek at his partner hoping Three wouldn't be disappointed when no one likes his dish.
Both men hit the bell to let the judges know they were done, as they walk out to greet the judge SMG4 gasps seeing they had an extra one. Mario was sitting with the girls waving at them, SMG3 smirks “Told you the spaghetti would summon him.” SMG4 playfully smacks Three as he grabs his plate and hands it to the judges. Three goes to the back to grab his pot, Four watches nervously as Mario vacuums the pasta in a blink of an eye. The girls took a bite and gave him a thumbs up, then noted down his dish was a seven.
Distracted with writing the score, Mario snuck up behind them and ate their spaghetti. Meggy stares at the plate surprised before turning and glaring at him “Oh come one Red that was ours!” “Mario is hungry!” he then smacks the table demanding more pasta, Meggy sighs giving an apologetic smile to Tari. The girl just giggles at what happened reassuring Meggy. The door opened catching everyone's attention, there SMG3 walked with confidantes showing off his dish. Four couldn't help himself from blushing, if there is one thing Four loves the most about his boyfriend is that cocky confidence he has.
To keep up the appearance of still being friendly rivals Four smirks at him “I got this in the bag, everyone loved my dish!” Three rolled his eyes amused, he then drops the plate in front of everyone . Tari tilts her head seeing the dish “Beans?” Three nods and proudly waves his hand at the dishes “Yep, It’s SMG3 special pinto beans spaghetti chili!” Each of them took a bite, Four was getting himself ready to comfort his boyfriend. To his surprise they didn't spit the meal out like he expected, instead Tari and Meggy eyes go wide as they start eating the dish as fast as Mario. The girls start crying from the spice as they finish it up, they all hold up tens for the score as Mario dashes to finish the rest of the pasta.
Four fell to his knees in shock, not only did he lose but he judged his own partner not having faith in him. He frowns, realizing how unfair he was towards the other man, slowly a plate appeared in front of him “I saved you a plate..uh! Not because I want you to try out my cooking idiot! I’m just showing off!” Three looks away blushing.
He takes the plate and slowly takes a bite, he couldn't believe how amazing it tasted. He could feel the spice burn him the more he ate, so he decided to stop eating before it got to the point he started to breathe fire. He puts the plate on the table before taking Three’s hand “This is amazing three! I had no idea you could make dishes like this, you're just so amazing.” he smiles softly at Three making the man melt. He gets closer to Four letting his own smile grow “This isn't the half of how amazing i am!”
Meggy lets out a soft cough “Hey um are we missing something here?” Mario’s stache grows as he sniffs the pair “Mario smells gay, are you two finally dating?”
They both let go of each other embarrassed, they got so lost with each other they forgot about the others. They panic unsure what to do, as SMG3 thinks over the situation, he knew he could trust them not to spill anything. With a deep breath he takes Four’s hand surprising him “YEAH WE ARE DATING AND IF YOU TELL ANYONE THERE IS A BOMB WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!”
SMG4's face goes red, he wasn't expecting Three to make the announcement to them so suddenly. Shyly he intertwined his fingers with Three, they both stayed there waiting to see how their friends would react. Tari giggles clapping for them “Aw I’m so happy for you two!” Meggy nods “Yeah i'm with Tari, It’s awesome you guys are finally together!” she then smirks at Three “Also the threat is hard to take seriously when you're so red in the face there Three.” SMG3 glares at her “Shut it squid!”
Mario silently stares at them, it felt like a dream for the plumber to hear those words. After years of knowing them and seeing the two at each other, even seeing the event that happened in a certain igloo, he couldn't believe the day came that finally they were dating. Seeing how close they were standing to each other and holding hands, slowly a huge smile grew on his face along with his mustache "YIPEE!!! Finally Mario knew you two were gay for each other!" He runs hugging the two guardians.
The boys smile hugging him back, the girls smile at the moment then run up to join the group hug. They spend the day chatting and telling the group how they got together and wanting to keep things low, as they happily talk about random topics a strange package dropped off at the castle along with other gifts. Hearing the sound outside Four nods at the girls to distract Three, he runs and smiles seeing the gifts “Finally it's here, now to figure out how to distract Three tomorrow to throw the best birthday party he’s ever had!”
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As an immigrant child, your new fic had resonated with me. It made me tear up eating dinner with my family.
When Saffron said, “This selfish desperation to know that I haven’t lost my connection to my home." It instantly took me back to being constantly teased by my friends for not being 'in tuned' with my culture like how they were, or how I desperately tried speaking in my native tongue with my parents, despite having a very clear american accent and them constantly assuring me that speaking in english is fine. My grandmother had passed earlier this year, she was the grandparent that I knew the least. I started asking about her from her sisters as my mother isn't in the state to answer anything, I've tried so hard to pick up the pieces of what her sisters have told me to construct an image of her personality. She used to constantly ask me to call her so when I read about Saffron talking about how video calls have were never the same and never enough, it hit me like a load of bricks.
Your fanfiction is so tremendously beautiful in describing the feelings I have felt all my life. How I know that where I am right now isnt home, but my actual home has been so unfamiliar after my grandmothers passing. I have constantly felt like I have disappointed her, so when Sunset confessed to the same thing, I couldn't hold my emotions in anymore. The ending with Saffron talking about how she would be waiting for Sunset to come home if she was her mother made hope that was true with me and my grandmother, if I were to ever reunite with her again when I pass away myself.
Thank you so much for writing this story. It was the most comfortable yet intense stories I have ever had the blessing to read. I am sorry for rambling and I hope this entire message makes some sort of sense? I hope whatever you're dealing with gets solved to the way you have hoped it would.
You have also made me see dal in a new light, it was never a food that I used to like, but I am willing to give it another shot lol
i looked at this ask earlier and had to take some time to process how to respond to this. i think tho i still dont really know how to, so i hope thats ok!
first of all, thank you so much for being comfortable enough to tell me ur story. it really means a lot that you would open up to me, a stranger, and the fact that you did so bc something i made had an impact on u quite actually moved me to tears. im a bit of a soggy mess rn lol. thank you again, truly.
second, i want to express my empathy for you and your situation with your grandmother. my grandad passed away before i could graduate, and it was during the height of lockdowns, so i hadnt seen him in a while. i didnt go to visit him in the hospital, so theres always this feeling of "what if i had called more? what if i had tried harder to visit? what if i spent more time with him?" that doesnt really go away. and, as a kid of 2 immigrant families, i can also really empathize with feeling a disconnect from your culture--when ur not surrounded by ur parents culture but u also visibly dont look like ur "from" the one u were raised in, it can feel really alienating, even though you havent done anything except just. exist in this sort of inbetween?
all of this i guess is to say that, i put a lot of my own experiences into this fic. and it's almost relieving in a way to know that u saw what i put there, and that this experience is something that other people have felt as well. thank you so very much again for reading ;v;
#lili talking#also ty for ur kind words toward my situation ;v;#i feel like im in a slow motion car crash or explosion or something but im getting thru it. one day at a time#and im happy that u might give dal another shot!#ive recently started going to a local indian place and aaaa i love their dal so much#its defo part of what helped fuel me to finish this fic haha
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I'm glad, that DC writers are changing constantly and therefore the characters are protected from the Bat-family. The Bats are the cancer of DC comics. There wouln't be any independant characters anymore if they could gez their grubby hands on the other DC families
That's another way to look at it.. I agree that they're trying a bit too hard to connect every character to the bats' storyline. so you might have a point there. maybe it would create more bad than good if they let batfam authors interfere with the other storylines... but i still wouldn't call the bats the cancer of DC. I think if you took the bats out of DC, it would lose like half of its charm and quality.
with all that being said though, i still think the biggest problem of DC romances (or comic book romance in general) lies in each run having separate authors. think about why harley x ivy worked. it's because both of those characters already existed before they got together. both of them were loved villains and later anti-heroes, they both have their own story, their own past and their own redemption arcs. they're both INTERESTING. and when DC made the risky choice of making them a couple, it worked.
i'm not saying it would work with any other characters, or that they should make all their major characters date each other. but if you want to explore romance in your comics you have to give the readers an actual relationship, involving two realistically written and interesting people. not a major character and their accessory love interest. that's my issue with tim x bernard, or jon x jay. no one will get attached to, or even invested in, these relationships because we don't know anything about the love interests. they're just some random people. even if you try to give them personalities they will still not have a story outside of their relationship with the major character. bernard and jay were only created so tim and jon would have someone to kiss. it's hard to care about them, and therefore their relationship. they're just boring romance side plots.
you can introduce a character with the sole purpose of making them a couple with one of your major characters and still make it work, like batman and catwoman. you can create chemistry with a new character just as well as you can with already existing ones. but i think we need more of the first option. less last minute love interests and more people falling in love. i think what makes DC special is that they show us so many different versions of their major characters, we get to see them grow and change (take notes, marvel) so it wouldn't be off-brand to see already existing major characters, like superboy and robin, ending up together. not when it's DC. to be honest i think it would be like super iconic of them to do that. and i also think that DC fans would much rather have their favorite characters end up with the kind of person they went through hell and back with instead of like, a random citizen. tim and kon have so many parallels. they're both people who didn't have to be heroes at all, but still chose to do it. they both struggle with carrying a mantle too big and the fact that they were not chosen for it makes them even more insecure. they also have a past together, they're close friends, they would take a bullet for each other. so much potential. dont even get me started on damian and jon. those two are like, literal mirrors of their fathers. they have huge legacies on their shoulders and they're like quite literally the only people that could understand one another. again, so. much. potential. i'm not saying they have to be together, but if DC was gonna write romance for these characters I wish it could have been with each other.
#DC comics#DC#timkon#tim drake#conner kent#kon kent#damijon#jondami#damian wayne#jonathan kent#jon kent#ships#thoughts#asks
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Ok gang I needed to step in I can't take this anymore. The recent Warrior Cats covers and field guide art have been driving me nuts and when this cover dropped something inside me just snapped are you happy Erins I finally did proper fan art of your furry soap opera are you happy now. I used to really like the new artists covers I was his number one defender but now I,m just genuinely concerned if they're giving him any time. Here's a ramble of my thought process if yall are into that: I see a lot of the time with people redesigning covers that they take a completely formula to the actual books and illustrate an actual scene. I love these but I have absolutely no idea what goes on in this arc so I would have to keep to the floating head formula. Since there's no official design for Moonpaw yet either I kept the characters the same (i would possibly have replaced Crowfeather with Moonpaw although looking back having Crow there for "the elders quest" might fit more). I myself have no designs for Leaf, Tawny or Crow so i just slapped on whatever. I did have the thought to reference The apprentices quest cover at one point, as I feel like this arc will just be full of references (Following a "friend since arc one", recycled plot points, the book being called the elders quest.. If they call a book "Out of the wild" you all owe me one million dollars/hj) but uhm that was boring and i had a different idea anyway :3 I wanted to put a spin on the usual floating head formula (literally)(I just made it profile instead of front facing) and i would like to imagine the rest of the books in this arc would follow this formula with a different character each time. I originally wanted to keep the blue colour scheme, but it was not giving gang im sorry. I can only shade with purples and yellows forgive me. The excuse i realised i could make half way through is that a sunset fits the name "changing skies" way better that a blue gradient. THE SKY IS LITERALLY CHANGING ITS RIGHT THERE. I also added the faint stars in the sky as reference to the problems with connecting to starclan tee hee. I was originally going to draw Leafstar blind but decided against it as i dont know how she loses her vision and I dont like drawing blind characters with milky eyes when its not accurate... I compensated by obscuring her pupil with a sparkle because she deserves to feel pretty Yeah i think thats it Obligatory Polish cover appreciation moment:
#artists on tumblr#warrior cats fanart#warrior cats#wc art#crowfeather#tawnypelt#leafstar#the elders quest#changing skies#warrior cats cover#warrior cats redraw
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just read ‘long distance’ and i was wondering if you could serve pain? jen walters was mentioned and reader exists, that means angst and maybe cheating (or even a hint of it?) please??? i love your fluff and smut pieces. also the angst (but i dont dwell too much since self harming is better left in the past for me) but i really like how you deliver pain. i hope this gets chosen and written, but no pressure ofc. thank you and may the spirit of creativity live within you.
Hi, nonnie! I'm sorry you had to wait so long. I wasn't sure if you wanted a part 2 or an entirely new fic, so I kind of used part of what I already mentioned in Long Distance and continued in this fic. I didn't do full-on cheating, but it's still angst, and well... there is no comfort. I hope you like it!
Burn | Matt Murdock x Reader
Masterlist
Pairing: Matt Murdock x Reader
Summary: Matt comes home after his work trip and tells you something that changes your life forever.
Warnings: Angst, mentions of Smut, cheating
Word Count: 2.7k
You’re not sure what happened.
Matt spent a few weeks in Los Angeles to work on a case that would bring in some money. You didn’t mind; he does it sometimes. Since he, Foggy, and Karen opened the doors of their law firm again, work trips between the three have become more frequent. They’re making money now, and you would always support it.
You have also never been insecure about your relationship with him before. You and Matt have been together for years, even before the Blip, and you held onto each other when all of your friends disappeared. You thought you were happy. His job is going well; you are happy and don’t have to live paycheck by paycheck anymore. At least you thought so.
While he was away, you talked over the phone regularly. He always seemed so relieved to hear your voice. You often talked for hours, and you texted him sweet nothings during the day. He told you he appreciated it.
Every other night, you would retreat to your bedroom and he would guide you to orgasm after orgasm with the sound of his voice, and you would do the same. The toy he got you before he left for LA came in handy more than once since you could be connected over the distance now and still somehow control each other’s pleasure.
When he texted you he would be home earlier than expected, you were so excited, you took the day off, put on your best lingerie, and cooked dinner. You thought he would be happy to be with you again; he told you how much he missed you. He compared it very dramatically to a lack of air and that you were his oxygen, and you remember laughing at him. You have never loved a man as much as you love Matt Murdock, so it is only natural for you to get excited, right?
You talked about marriage before, maybe even kids. You planned a future together. Deep down, you’ve been waiting for him to pop the question. Foggy is an idiot and he let something slip one day, and ever since you have been vigilant. You thought that he might finally ask you after coming home from his trip.
You thought. That seemed to be the common denominator. You always just believe and hope for the best; in the end, things don’t turn out how you want them to.
You’re really not sure what happened, but something did happen because when Matt opens the door, he’s not even smiling at you.
“Welcome back!” you greet him with the brightest smile you can offer. Maybe he’s just tired.
But you know him and you know the difference between exhaustion and guilt; the man before you may be tired, but he is also struggling with the shame he inflicted upon himself, and it is not his duty as Daredevil this time.
He drops his bag by the door. You lean in for a kiss. “How was your flight?” you ask.
You’re in denial. Something happened, but you don’t want to ruin it. You don’t want to ruin this. You keep telling yourself it’s going to be okay, but you just don’t know what happened to get you here–
He evades your lips, simply hugging you briefly before answering, “Good.”
Your body trembles. “Matt.”
“What?”
“What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean, what’s wrong?” he retorts. He moves to the kitchen and grabs himself a bottle of beer. “I’m just tired.”
You frown. “Is that why you can’t even look at me?” you ask.
“Don’t be ridiculous, sweetheart–” the usually so endearing nickname sounds so bitter now. “You know I can’t see,” he says.
“You know what I mean.” You cross your arms. “Something isn’t right.”
His expression is serious, and it sends a wave of unease crashing over you. You try to push away the worry that gnaws at your insides, but it's hard to ignore the change in his demeanor.
He avoids your gaze, his eyes flickering around the room as if searching for something, or perhaps, avoiding something. Silence hangs heavy in the air, stretching the seconds into eternity.
That’s when you know that something happened, and it affects you because if it didn’t, he wouldn’t be so distant toward you. You taught him to always be open with you about his struggles, and he has managed to learn how to voice his needs, so it confuses you when he does neither and treats you more like a stranger than his girlfriend.
There was only one time in your relationship he acted this way and that was the day Elektra stepped back into his life, and with it, yours.
Your stomach churns. The hope you had built up crumbles, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. “What happened?” you urge again.
He leans against the kitchen counter, turning his head away from you. Tears are glistening in his eyes behind his red glasses.
“Matthew, please,” you beg. “Talk to me. Tell me!”
The room feels heavy with tension. His shoulders slump, and for a moment, it seems like he's about to break, to let the words spill forth. But just as quickly, he straightens his posture and averts his gaze.
"I can't," he whispers. "I can't tell you."
You step forward, but he shies away as if being close to you is somehow toxic. It breaks your heart. He looks disgusted, and you wonder if it's because of you. Maybe you used the wrong body wash, but that would elicit a different reaction. You didn't do anything differently today, you're simply excited, that's all there is, but as you look at him, he seems to be the exact opposite. Stoic, empty, cold...
“We've always been honest with each other, Matt," you say, still walking up to him even as he recoils. "I cooked dinner for you, took a shower, got dressed... and now you won't even fucking try and look at me. You've been gone for weeks! Please, just... I deserve to know what's going on." You reach for him, but this time, he moves away wholly.
The distance between you becomes a void that you could easily slip in and drown. His body language is a storm, causing the waves to crash into the shore and choke up with their cruel claws.
His grip tightens around the neck of the beer bottle, his knuckles turning white. You can see the faintest scars; you know he brought his suit with him, you just didn't think he would actually use it. "You deserve better," he says, more to himself than to you. There is the guilt you have been waiting for, but it still affects you because he is talking about you.
Your heart skips a beat. You have had this conversation many times in the past. "Better?" you ask. "Matt, what are you talking about? I don't want better, I want you." You laugh in disbelief, but he doesn't even smile. He's not trying to hide how much pain he is from the weight of his guilt, and it makes you scared for what's about to come.
His gaze flickers toward you, and his eyes reflect myriad emotions—sadness, regret, and something else you can't quite place. "You shouldn't want me," he loathes himself, “Not after... not after everything."
"What?" You place a hand on his arm, forcing him to turn to you. "I love you," you say.
He shakes his head. He never shakes his head when you tell him you love him. It's like he's telling you the opposite, that you shouldn't love him or that he doesn't feel the same for you anymore; the feelings swirling in your chest are confusing, and you just don't understand. Your mind races, trying to connect the dots, desperate to make sense of his cryptic words.
His grip on the bottle loosens, and he takes a shaky breath. "I- I fucked up."
Your heart sinks. The pain you had sensed, the distance between you, it all falls into place. The parallel between his behavior now and back when Elektra almost tore you apart. The pieces of the puzzle form a picture you never wanted to see find their way together.
"Did you... cheat on me?" you ask, the words catching in your throat. The mere thought feels like a knife twisting in your chest, but you don't cry, you simply stare at him, waiting for any kind of reaction.
It's the thought you loathe the most, but you seem to hit the nail right on the head.
Matt's silence is confirmation enough. "Oh God," you breathe.
“It was just a kiss,” he whispers.
“A– you kissed someone else?”
“Yeah.”
“Walters?”
He takes a shaky sip of his drink.
“Oh, my God, Matthew!” The cork to your heart pops and you start bleeding out, it seems. “What?” you ask. “Please, tell me you’re just messing with me. Please!” You want to get on your knees and pray to God that he’s lying, but he’s so quiet and his face is so stern, you can’t help but believe him.
The one thing he promised you he would never do, he did. And that is something you once told him that if he ever did it, you wouldn’t be able to forgive him.
The foundation of trust you had built with Matt feels shattered, and you struggle to comprehend how he could break his promise to you. Emotions swirl within you, colliding with one another, leaving you feeling lost and vulnerable.
He grabs your hand suddenly when you try to put some distance between you to sort your thoughts, his glasses now discarded, and he looks past you with so much pain in his eyes, you can feel your own tears near. He whispers your name.
“No,” you say. “I can’t–”
“Please, listen to me. I can explain,” Matt says. “I can–”
“You can’t! You promised… I– wasn’t I good enough for you? What happened, Matthew? What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing! You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. Please, it was a stupid mistake.”
“A mistake?”
He tugs at your arm again. When you don’t seem to budge, he sinks to his knees. Your throat tightens, your heart shattering on the floor next to him. He has torn it out with his bare hands, squeezed it too hard and now you’re nothing more than an empty shell, your very essence broken on the living room floor.
“Please,” he begs. His hands rest on your hips and his unfocused eyes try to search for yours.
The fact he only now thinks he has to fight for you instead of coming clear right away makes you angry, not just sad. You turned your back and that’s what prompted him to fight, even though he should have tried so much sooner.
You loved him with all you had, and a foolish part of you still does, but hearing the words coming out of his mouth that he betrayed your trust in such a cruel way tears down the walls you have been seeing through rose-colored glasses and cut your love for him into pieces with a sharp dagger.
Your best friend once told you that you should be careful, Matt would do anything to survive. Yet, you stayed around through the sleepless nights and the heartache. You worried about him every day and every night he went out as Daredevil to cleanse the streets, and you stitched him up without knowing what you were doing. You held him as he cried, offered him your endless support, and then some more, anything just to be loved by him, but he treated you so well. He gave you everything you needed, showed you a love no one has before and he was so dedicated, you felt at home with him. You trusted him with your life. You owe him your life, and yet, after everything you have been through together, one work trip to another State is all it takes for him to throw away years of history and kiss someone else? And Jennifer Walters, no less?
You never thought you had to be worried about anyone catching Matt’s attention. You had been so confident before, but now? Now you just feel useless, imperfect, and like a damn fool.
“Matt,” you whimper.
He holds on even tighter. “Can we talk about this?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.
You look up, but the tears are flowing freely now.
“I’m sorry. Please, I don’t want to lose you. I love you so fucking much, baby. Please! I can’t live without you. Don’t leave me. I can make it up to you, I promise, just… give me another chance.”
“Yeah?” It pains you to tear his hands from your body, but you have to. “If you didn’t want to lose me,” you say, “you should have thought about it before you decided to kiss someone else.”
He says your name, begging you once again to just stay. Talk this through. Stay. He is like a serpent in your ear, and you want nothing more than to give in, but when you reflect on your time together, you don’t know if you should even think about giving in.
Matt has been obsessed with justice from the start. He chose it over you more than once, and it took you many nights and many fights for you to get him to stay even for a night or two to be with you, the person he claimed to love most of all. And now you are supposed to stay after he did what he did? It may be stupid to react this way if it was just a kiss, but he never once said it was accidental, and that means he has thought about cheating on you. He kissed someone else, someone who isn’t you, and he set your heart on fire the same way he has set your life together alight.
Maybe he kissed her because she’s like him–maybe he kissed Jennifer Walters because she understands, and he has often accused you of not understanding. Maybe in her, he has found someone who won’t keep him from New York City just for one date night. Maybe in her, he has found someone who doesn’t break down crying when he comes home late because she thinks he died in a fight with a criminal. And maybe in her, he has found the woman he actually wants to marry.
Marry. The word makes you choke up.
As if he read your thoughts, he crawls toward you and stops you from walking away. He digs his fingers further into your hips, retrieving a small box from his pants, and God, do you want to punch him right now.
You were right about the proposal, but he was planning to propose and still kissed someone else, and that is a betrayal on a whole new level.
“The audacity,” you whisper to yourself.
Tears are streaming down his face and he looks as if he thinks pulling out a ring after telling you he made out (no, kissed) with Jennifer Walters in Los Angeles is going to fix everything.
“Please,” he begs, “I only want you. I wanted to ask you–”
“No,” you cut him off. “Don’t you fucking dare, Matthew!” You pull away. “This is… I’ve been waiting for you to do this for so long, but you… what the fuck? No! Especially not now!” Your body Wracks with a sob. “I need time, and I can’t do this right now. Kissing Walters is one thing, but telling me you bought a ring for me and still kissed someone else? It hurts,” you say.
It hurts too fucking much, you can’t breathe. He was your oxygen too, in a way, but he has cut off the supply and now you are dying a slow and agonizing death.
“I’m so sorry.” His arms drop to his sides in defeat, but he remains on his knees. “I never meant to hurt you,” Matt cries, “I promise! I just… I made a mistake.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
“I–“
“I’m sorry for falling in love with you. That was my mistake.”
Ouch. Now you have taken his heart, pulled it out and shattered it with one twist of your wrist. But he deserves it.
Matt listens to the sound of your hasty movements as you pack some clothes. He listens to your tears, your sobs, and the shaking of your muscles as you shudder. He listens and stays right there on the floor, his head lowered as God’s judgment comes upon him.
And within minutes, your heartbeat leaves his ears and you are gone.
You left him, and he deserves every last ounce of pain it inflicts on him.
He’s an Icarus who has flown too close to the sun, and you deserve better than him.
It wasn’t Jennifer who brought him back to life, it was you and it will always be you, but he screwed that up, too, and he has to live with it now. Without you.
The ring box slips from his hands and then, he allows himself to break down.
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